Loremen Podcast - S4 Ep9: Loremen S4 Ep9 - Chris Cantrill - The Ghosts of Featherstone Hall

Episode Date: August 3, 2022

A special guest CO-HOST this week! Fan favourite Chris Cantrill (The Delightful Sausage) is BACK and he has a great story all about an ill-fated Cumbrian wedding. He also has a bunch of stories that had to be either bleeped or edited out wholesale due to their incendiary nature. Do check out patreon.com/loremenpod for those sweet sweet bonuses. Alasdair will return! (After his Edinburgh run and probably a couple of days of recovery) Alasdair's Edinburgh tickets... https://tickets.edfringe.com/whats-on/alasdair-beckett-king-nevermore Chris' https://tickets.edfringe.com/whats-on/chris-cantrill-the-bad-boy The Delightful Sausage https://tickets.edfringe.com/whats-on/delightful-sausage-nowt-but-sea Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And then you just say it like I'm Chris Cantrell. I am Chris Cantrell. Cumbrian correspondent. Yes like that yeah um hadrian's wall special correspondent a place where they say up here the veil between the material and the spirit world is extra thin oh is that sc? Yeah, yeah. Everyone in Scotland looks like a ghost. Everyone in Scotland

looks like Alasdair Beckett King. And if you hold them to the sunlight, you can see, like, the veins and stuff and it's beautiful. Where is he, though? What's going on?

Well, it's August. Right, yes. He's a working comedian, so he's in Edinburgh doing his show. Aren't we all, mate? I'm in Edinburgh doing two shows. Oh. And I'm not moaning about it. Well, no, Alistair's just sort of, I think he's kind of thinking,

like, he wants to just focus on his show and make sure that's, like, the best thing it can be. And then I just thought I'd get some of like fan favorites in. Right. And you're not, you're not doing anything important. I'm doing two shows and I'm, I just want,

can please put it on the record that I am busy and then Alistair Beckett King. Yeah. But you don't care as much about what you, about your shows. Well, I have to say James, while I've been up in Edinburgh, I obviously go past Al. I see him all the time. I sort of, as much about what about your shows well i have to say james that while i've been up in edinburgh

i obviously go past al i see him all the time um i thought if i see him on the horizon i normally know well enough you know not to get cornered by him i just swerve down the side street but when i've seen him he's actually been doing another podcast what yeah yeah i've seen him doing another podcast with another really big giant, another different big giant, and it's called Fairy World and Magic Town, and it's a new podcast. So all I'm saying, things might not be as rosy as you make it out. What?

That must be a different Alistair Beckett King. Do you think there's two people that look like alistair beckett king funny you should say that because someone did send into the twitter a picture from late 1800s from early photography and it is alistair beckett king in that picture it's it turns out that yeah my co-host is a vampire. But all the time traveller, I highly suspect that Alistair is a Victorian who's travelled to our time. Because I've said stuff to him like, oh, turn that light on, that electric light on.

And he doesn't know what I'm talking about. You know, he's thinking of lamp lights. Yeah, he gets out some matches or something, I guess. Or he claps for a servant. He claps for... Yeah, so Alistair Beckett King, aristocratic time traveller. Honestly, mate, this new podcast that he's setting up privately without you, you're well rid of him.

He's a nightmare. Because he's going to go... What he's going go what he's gonna do as well he can gazump us because he can go back and start his podcast before our podcast starts it'll look like i'm ripping it off exactly i i suspect that it's a one and done i think he came from the victorian era for podcast ideas on a one on a one-way system, yeah. Oh, okay. Oh, like, and that's it. He's stuck here, like... And the fuel, it was like a horrible, cruel thing.

The fuel of his time machine is dodos. And so he got to the future and found out they're all extinct, so he's trapped. It's exactly like the Marty McFly story. Yep. Pumping all of his Mock the Week money into, like, genetically McFly story. Yep. Pumping all of his mock the week money into like genetically trying to recreate the dodo. Going to Oxford,

trying to get that. They got that mummified one in the Ashmolean. Yep. He keeps sending letters and like, please can it be left alone with the dodo car with the first dodo. And then they're like, the Frodo. You're like, we need to stop stop and there's a picture of him please do not let this guy

anywhere near the dodo no matter how like made of candle wax and pathetic he might seem no matter how vegan he claims he is he's going to use this that's it that's the cover doesn't it feel good James to laugh again now that he's not here

you're free from under the oppressive vibe that Alistair brings to everything that he does we're having fun we're having a laugh at his expense we're having a laugh

well thank you very much though for stepping in to the breach once more hopefully this time we'll put any sort of Meg's Tea Rooms very much though for stepping in to the, to the breach once more. Hopefully this time we'll put any sort of Meg's tea rooms stuff behind us. Well, I would like to say a few words,

but maybe I'll do, I'll do it a bit later, but I have obviously, as long as it's an apology, we do have, I have sponsors that need to be honored. So yeah, we'll see. We'll see what's going on.

But you're like the Pele of comedy. Yeah, struggling with impotence. Famous for your erectile dysfunction and some other stuff. Just a good lad with issues. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bedroom issues. If Alice is not here can we swear I know we're not

allowed to swear on this podcast I'm gonna sit out why are you gonna do that I thought that was just Al because I sort of imagined Al's a bit

of a Puritan because I know that when I speak to him and every time I say like it flinches that's because you're saying it at him I'm screaming at him

throwing cans throwing cans at him and it's 3am and he's just you know we're asleep we're trying to sleep just putting the window down and you get a review in Edinburgh that I think was two stars

that said it was a great show so well performed so well written but you couldn't help but feel he had the energy of someone who's been up till 3am in the morning with someone shouting talking down a cumbrian correspondent talking that special i've upgraded myself to hadrian's wall special correspondent i think, I think. Oh, I like it. And I would like the fee from this performance to going to business cards that you give to your Patreons and say, Chris Cantrell, Hadrian's Wall Special Correspondent,

sponsored by House of Meg, T-Winged. But, I mean, it's not all laughs and jokes and taking the mickey out of time-travelling vampire Victorian Alistair Eckert-King. It rarely is. It rarely is fun at all when I listen to this podcast. You've got a tale for me, right? Of course I do. I've been investigating the area.

I've got two Edinburgh shows to write, so I don't want to focus on that at all. No, you needed some distraction. So I've decided to jump into the archives of the area and I found the tale. And it is the tale of the haunting of Yee Featherstone Castle. And then can you add in some like um like lightning crashes like that can you get the guy to do that whoever the guy is um is that you no he's doing an animal

show is he the guy i thought you were the guy that did that i thought he just showed up swanning does he ever stop like a recording you know like where you you're saying something to you trying your best and he's saying something and he's just like sorry i won't listen and he's like ha ha ha just got this text of dour brain does he do that not yet not yet because his phone is a little unreliable i'm getting ready for it to be honest i'm ready to be left behind. Right. So, wait a minute. Don't edit this to make me sound like an asshole. I haven't edited the thing. Yee, like, so we've had the crash of thunder now.

Yee, Featherstone Castle. Yeah. It's like a castle that's near me and about a sort of 10 minute drive from my house. And it's like off the A69 and you drive around these fields for five minutes or so, and then you get to this castle. And what I really like about it is it's a bit like decrepit, decrepit, decrepit, decrepit, decrepit, decrepit. Don't edit that, edit that so it lands like I understand words and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's this old castle just about in the geographical centre of Britain in a small town of Holtwistle. This is from a website called Medieval-Castle. And this isn't.co.uk, James. This is.com, so you know it's seriousco.uk, James. This is.com. So you know it's serious. That is big bucks.

This is big bucks. But I always think you drive, because doing comedy as well, you drive through little towns in the UK and if they're kind of nondescript places, they sort of sometimes put, you know, it's an interesting fact on the sign, like Holt Whistle, the centre of Britain.

Yeah, almost the geographical centre of Britain. Almost, not quite the geographical centre of Britain. And I went past, was it Bishop Auckland? Oh, yeah. The home of the first World Cup. Ooh, fancy. And I went past one in a sign that said, Keithley, Gabby Jones gives.

Edit, edit it out. So Featherstone Castle near Holt Whistle, but sort of in this like rural land. I like going there because it's like, it's this old castle, but it's not in the best state. But I really like that. You know, it's got like, the thing that I always think that takes the edge off a ghost story

is double glazing. Yes, definitely. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's nothing spooky. You don't think, like, when you're looking back, you know, like the shot is a castle and you look back and at the top of the belfry,

you see like a sort of mad monk or a woman with her eyes bulging out on a spectral vision of hell. I just don't think you're going to see a ghost through a bit of double monk or a woman with her eyes bulging out on a spectral vision of hell i just don't think you're gonna see a ghost for a bit of double glazing no no and it's is less scared if you like see a victorian child that's crying and crying but you can't hear them and then you realize that's because they've got very well installed double glazing yeah it takes they've got absolutely bang on um and it's like, the colour's not white, it's like finished grey, which is very fashionable

five years ago. That was, yeah. So the oldest, yeah, so the oldest parts of this castle, it says here, date back to the 1400s, which is basically

the two o'clock of time. Yes. That is a tower. Just after Neighbours. Just after Neighbours, before Home and Away. And the tower was built by Thomas de Featherstone. And they've got this name now, which is de Featherstone Howe. It's Featherstone as we've been reading it.

And then just on the end, they've got H-A-U-G-H. So I'm saying it like Featherstone Howe. Featherstone Howe. In around the second or third decade of the 14th century. So 10 or 20 past two. 10 or 20 past two. And the Featherstone Howe family was still the owners of the castle until about the 18th century.

Afternoon neighbours. Afternoon neighbours. But there were amendments made right up until the 19th century. And it does have a tale of a terrifying ghost. That is pre-double glazing as well, isn't it? It doesn't explicitly say, but we have to assume it's before the double glazing. Yeah, it's before the Velux era. Yeah, I think now the castle is.

I think it's where, you know like where you go and like cup camp for a residential. Yes. Like those sort of places. So it's not like premier league of

the castles, but it's somewhere where you'd go, a load of scouts had to go and mercilessly bully one of the scouts. But you know what?

That scout would go on to be a comedian and he'd have friends and stuff so they could go to hell, really, can't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'd have quite interesting damage psyche, but he's still cool. He's still on the best podcast for dweebs who like ghosts. So the story goes from this, and this ghost story

concerns Abigail Featherstone Howe, who lived in the late 17th century, so definitely pre-double glazing. Good. And the story goes that she was in love with a boy from the local Ridley family, but she was due to marry

the son of a neighbouring baron. We'll call him Tom, in a sort of arranged marriage, which was probably, you know, down to her father, who was also the baron of Featherstone Howe. Howe? Yeah, exactly. But it's like basically what we've got here is, I'm reading this off the thing, but it's like we've got two dueling barons.

And they were like, like they did back then, they're sort of arranging the children like livestock for a political marriage. But if we know one thing, me and you, James, the heart wants what the heart wants. As was tradition, as we know, the wedding party, all with the exception of the Baron Featherstone Howe, who would oversee the banqueting arrangements left for a hunt following the wedding. Now, we don't do that these days. No. You have a fallout at a wedding with alcohol, but it very rarely turns into a traditional hunt. Legend has it that the bridal party were riding through this estate,

country estate, which is very beautiful, and there was an ambush possibly set by the family of, you know, like the Riddler kid, the guy that wanted to marry her from before. Oh, yeah. Yeah, like apparently his family like ambushed the wedding party. Although the new bridegroom thought gallantly, all the wedding party were killed in the affray. And I'm going to have to Google what affray means,

but I think it means a rook. It means a fight. Yeah. It means a big old country rook. So basically there's like, we've found out here, what's happened here is that there's some poshos and then some working class people have come and murdered them. And where my heart lies is now torn.

Because on one hand, it is sad to have all these people murdered. On the other hand, if they're the working class murdering the aristocrats, that feels good, doesn't it? Can you put that in? Last time, I'm trying to pick my words carefully because last time I said some very incendiary stuff that you had to delete. Yes, we did.

Because it was treasonous. So I'm just trying to... Some of your more treasonous stuff, yeah. I'm trying to pick... And for the American people, all I'll say is I should have said that and as midnight passed the Baron

who wasn't there remember he was organising the banquet arrangements and I don't know what that means but I think that means when we've got people over and I find small talk quite stressful and full on,

I'm always first to do the washing up, you know, like it takes me away from having to like hobnob with Nicola's brother about like, I don't know what, whatever he's into Joe Rogan or something. Do you know what I mean? Oh,

right. Right. Yeah. So the Baron, he was still sitting at home alone and he heard the sound of hooves arriving outside the castle now he's probably thinking hang about i'm ordered um i ain't got anything from coming from amazon from ye olde amazon yes obviously back then it's called the amazon they had an an extra on the end. So the sound of hoofs, the door

opened, following which the ghosts of Abigail and the wedding party entered, making no sound, and here is the dead ringer, passing straight through solid objects. Now, that could be, back then, would have been

like a chest of drawers, or a wardrobe, or a statue of drawers easily or a wardrobe or a statue or a table that has a candlestick on it a table with a candlestick on it and a ghost passing right through now these days that could be a Playstation 5 an Amazon Alexa and I think if a ghost

we need to test this but I think if a ghost passed through your Playstation 5 it'd wipe all your top scores do you know what i mean oh yeah invalidates the warranty it basically bricks it next update corrupt invalidates the warranty save data corrupted it's pretty spooky stuff and now which i'm going to corroborate i'm going to back this up with a bit of investigation. Go on. It said that every year on the 17th of January,

on the anniversary of the tragedy, the ghostly wedding party will appear and go through the house, through the castle. What are you thinking of that? I like a tight timekeeping ghost. I don't know. I'm just looking up what happens on the 17th of January, any sort of particular, you know, if it's an important date,

it's the birthday of Zooey Deschanel. Is it? And Al Capone. Al Capone. Not in 1400s. No, no, Al Capone died. He did, didn't he? Properly died.

But did Tom Hardy ever go with him? He does big choices, big roles. Done a lot of wrong-uns, hasn't he? Old Tom Hardy. I like Tom Hardy. I think what I like about Tom Hardy is he always does like a sort of voice for a character. Do you know what I mean?

He's never just talking. Cause I've fallen into a niche as an actor where I just do every line that I'm giving exactly as I'm talking to you now in exactly the same character. And there's two different schools of acting. This isn't a voice. It's a character I've been working on for some time. One is you just read all the lines exactly as you normally speak, and the other is

you come up with a little voice. Yes. Both equally valid, both as good, really. Are you working on any voices at the minute? I've got my... I've got Glammoggan, my Glaswegian detective.

Oh, yeah, go on. He's like uh i don't want to go at the hoose you know like that right yeah they're like glenn moggan there's been a motor at the old jedi witherspoons and he's like i don't want to go at the old Jenny Witherspoons. And he's like, I don't want to go out the hoot. I just thought this is going to be coming out whilst Edinburgh is on and you're going to be doing your shows. Do you want to plug them? Yeah, but I'll be in Edinburgh, not in Glasgow. There's no Scottish people in Edinburgh.

Not at this time of year. Not at this time of year. They all flee, just people from London. Well, I've got friends that live in Edinburgh. And what I really like is we know the city is completely different places. You know, it's very difficult to be like, where shall we meet? Because I know Edinburgh in terms of, you know, like temporary pop-up venues and stuff.

Like, oh, meet me at the Chuckle Dome and stuff like this. And they're like, what's that? Do you mean the university? This sort of thing the abandoned warehouse i listened to this story of mad max where it's like very much on anyway it doesn't matter i'm not getting into the nitty-gritty because who knows me and tom might be working on a new upcoming buddy buddy cop film where he does a little voice and i talk exactly how i always talk it could be glenn more glenn morgan glenn morgan glenn morgan glenn morgan the glaswegian detective

will you are you saying the glaswegian detective in what you think is a glaswegian accent out of interest or is that still your normal voice um glenn mor, the Gladswijsend. Van Mogen, the Gladswijsend detective. Oh, wow. Okay. You thought we were just getting a spooky ghost story, but this is an audition. Are you happy?

It sounds like a wedding party of ghosts has walked through your larynx. So what do you think of my tale? I think that is an excellent and spooky tale about Featherstone Castle and the Featherstone house. House. So, I mean, I think we should go into the scoring section, but now I feel very exposed and aware Alistair's not here for the scoring section. Well, this is it.

I normally run roughshod over this bit and don't really, do you know what I mean? Yeah. So let's just do it. What do you think? Yeah, let's, all right. Okay, so first up, you need to sort of present the score. This is a peek behind the curtain.

You need to present the scores to me and then I give you my judgment. Of course, of course. I mean, this is my third time on. I should know it now. At least a little bit, yeah. At least a little bit. So what are the two sort of classic categories? There's supernatural and there's naming.

So pick one of them first. Supernatural. The first category for you to vote on is supernatural it's uh it's strong isn't it because there's a whole wedding party's full of them and they do come every year one ghost no this is we're talking like this is a bride a groom an auntie an uncle uncle, a greengrocer, the butcher, the sort of waspish youth of a baron from the village or something like that. Do you know what I mean? This is like an extended cast of ghosts.

And we didn't go into the detail with it, but I'm pretty sure that some of these ghosts can take their heads off and stuff. Probably. It depends how they died, I suppose. And maybe some of them can do, do you know, like in Beetlejuice where he gets a really little head? Yes, I know the bit in Beetlejuice where he gets a really little head, yes.

So I've not, I forgot to say that bit, but that bit was on the website listing. Strongly implied. It said, the bridal party, some of them could take their heads off and others had little tiny heads like Beetlejuice. And is that hyperlinked to the IMDb page of Beetlejuice? Yeah, yeah, I've just clicked it and I've ended up on, yeah, like not the best website I've ever been on in my life.

But not the worst. But not the worst. Yeah, so there's that. That's one. What would you give it? Do you normally give it out of five? It's out of five, yeah. I think it's going to be a four because it's very good.

It's a lot of ghosts and they're regular and i like that okay that's good i don't think i've ever done this well i'm normally like you've both been mean to me so then at this stage i fully opted out and i've like just left the phone call because i'm annoyed alice has done his impression of you normally for the last bit alice has done his impression of me um and then I've just been like, that feels like working class and working class crime. And then someone's called you a giant. I don't know who, but it's sort of just. It was one of the two of you,

where you were both using the same voice. Next category, I'd go as your lawyer. Yeah. I'd say you go for naming. Okay. warrior yeah i'd say you go for naming um and i don't okay let's go for naming as the next category great choice i've got in this one we've got the featherstone we've got featherstone castle and we have the featherstone how clown including abigail featherstone how we also have the riddleys they're not well-to-do. They're not putting on airs and graces, and they will murder an entire wedding party

for aggrieving their 17-year-old son's romantic advances. So they're like, I love, I'm sort of seeing them as, you know, like the Mitchells off EastEnders or something like that. Or the Dingles off Emmerdale. Yeah. They're like, oh, what are you doing with that car? I'm putting hay in it! You know what I mean?

That's the Ridleys. And the third family is this neighbour in Barron, and we only got as far, we didn't give him a surname, but we called him Tom. I mean, a lot of those names are the word feather and stone, which are two very opposite things feathers and stones so that's quite that's that has a level of intrigue

i think it's gonna have to be like a a gear three because i like feathers then how okay so i've got three for feather three for naming that feels good yeah it should do and the final category well normally you'd come up with one at this point of your own well the one that i'm going to come up with is oh yeah does this story feel like we're having fun without the presence of abk and maybe and maybe we should make this a permanent star thing what do you think about that oh i well that puts me in quite a spot doesn't it i mean um it's like people speaking out against jeff bezos isn't it what talking against allister talking against allister is jeff bezos a time traveling vampire as well so what so what's your score but is this is this more fun without

al it's like a fridge i don't know if five's good or or one's i don't know if five or one is going to get me the result that i want you know like on a fridge inside a fridge the setting yeah so i'm gonna say three okay okay that's. You've gone for political right down the middle line. Absolutely. Absolutely. Self-preservation. Okay. I get it.

I don't, I don't respect it, but I get it. Well, it just seems there's more. I'm having a great time, but there seems to be, there's been a lot of editing so far.

A lot of slander has been cut already and, and wishing death on people left left, right and centre, that's gone. Yeah, I get that. I'm sorry. You've demanded sound effects. You've insisted I don't look at you in the eye. Yeah. But then you've got very flamboyant glasses on that you keep adjusting. They're bifocal. like very flamboyant glasses on that you keep adjusting they're um they're by very vocal so should i like um so we sort of at the end should i sort of plug anything that i need to

plug yeah what what are you what are you doing just just a couple of things so first off if hey guys if you're off to the edinburgh festival looking for something to do you could go see alice the baker king um if you need a good if you need uh if you're looking for somewhere to get out of the rain or you could come and have a real good old laugh at one of my several edinburgh fringe shows which seemed like a brilliant idea in march 2022. But in August, it's a very different tell. No, I'm having a great time. I've got two shows.

I'm doing at 12.45 p.m. The Delightful Sausage, which is my double act. The Delightful Sausage, no, but see, at 12.45 p.m. And then at 4.20, I'm doing my solo show called The Bad Boy, which is all about me being not a great dad, but still cool and just definitely have to worry about my heart and stuff. And I guess the only other thing is I've obviously got to say just a few words about the local economy, about, you know, I live in the border regions of the UK and it's sort of like lots of self,

like entrepreneurs sort of running things. So I'd be amiss not to mention house of Meg on Hadrian's wall near Gildsland village, a traditional tea room. Right. Yeah. What? Yeah.

No, no, carry on, carry on. A traditional tea room serving. Hey, it's got one hell of a menu. You can get, people think that house of Meg is just about trailbakes, but it's so one hell of a menu you can get people think that house of megan's

just about tray bakes but it's so much more than just tray bakes what it's you can get cups of tea cups of coffee a hot chocolate marshmallows in you bet sir see this is another voice this isn't this is a third voice this is your salesman voice you got a baguette you can have baguettes you can have bacon sandwiches you know stuff like that sandwiches stopping but yeah

obviously everybody knows about the Trey Bakes and bear in mind House sort of transatlantic vibe which is really

setting my hackles up and bear in mind House of Meg doesn't have like a website really or anything. It kind of just runs it off a Facebook page, but who needs SEO when you've got Treybakes at this delicious, delicious Treybakes.

And this guy's like the Willy Wonka with Treybakes. He's always trying different things, you know, like a tiffin with chocolate orange in it. Like a... Is he feigning injury? Pretends to be lame to lure the kids in. To lure the kids in.

Well, don't make it... That makes it sound... House of Meg is not... Nobody's... Nobody's tricking kids in the house of Meg. Nobody's luring kids anywhere.

And I'll tell you, the perfect marker of how good these Trey Beggs are, I've never been to a village that has such a high amount of childhood diabetes. These kids, none of the situation, but they keep going back for more and more

to the point where they need to drop their insulin, medically regulated. Thanks, Chris. So check it out. It's on Hadrian's Wall, part of the Borderlands region in Hadrian's rich Roman history place. Check it out. Check it out. Eagerly, listeners will have noticed Alistair wasn't in that episode.

He's up in that Edinburgh right now, August 2022. He's up in that Edinburgh right now, August 2022. He's doing his show Nevermore and tickets are selling like hotcakes or a drawer full of oats that's been left in Scotland. Either way, get online and get getting them tickets if you're going to be up in that Edinburgh. Oh, and thanks very much to Chris. Unsurprisingly, there was quite a lot that was too hot for the main pod. But if you want to check that out, head over to patreon.com forward slash lawmen pod. And there'll be a bonus episode up very shortly.

And we've got another guest deputy law person next week. So see you next week.