Loremen Podcast - S5 Ep11: Loremen S5 Ep11 - The Bakewell Witches

Episode Date: November 30, 2023

James mutters an incantation and whisks Alasdair off to Bakewell in the Peak District, a town famous for its variety of puddings. There, the Loreboys meet a pair of ALLEGED witches. Hear how they use their devilish powers to... make and sell women's hats. Oh, the horror! It's the legend of the Bakewell Witches*. *Story may contain innocent women and one lying Scotsman. LoreBoys nether say die! Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 @loremenpod youtube.com/loremenpodcast www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. With me, James Shakeshaft. And me, Alistair Beckett-King. And hey there, Alistair. Hi, James. Got a pretty spooky tale or a pretty sad tale depending on how you want to look at it oh yeah i'm all about the ambivalence well you're in luck because this tale is the tale of the bakewell witches sounds more delicious

than it is yeah i'm just mouthwatering, Ted. Help the witches survive the story. Ah, okay. Well, just give it a listen anyway. Find out. Maybe they will this time, for the first time. Alistair? Hello, friend of the show, James Shakespeare.

Hello, also friend of the show, Alistair Becker-King. Well, I was saying that in order to try and establish myself as the top dog lawman. As the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was sort of trying to position you as a sort of ancillary law person, which you've called me on it immediately. I think we're all friends of the show, though, aren't we? Everyone's friends of the show.

Are there any enemies of the show that you know of because we we should have made a few by now i hope christ in a hole it's christina hole takes it in the spirit that it's meant yes that's an affectionate nickname and people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones so i don't think we can start making fun of people who have silly names can we well i think we're the only people who are allowed to throw stones weirdly well right i said oh so we can say that as part of the funny named community yes exactly we're sort of reclaiming making fun of people's names are we or just joining in yeah it's kind of joining in isn't it on this one it's it's like a bit that I will reference this film again,

Back to the Future. What? When Marty McFly first sees George McFly at Lou's cafe. Yes, Martin McFly, yes. In the past. Louisa's cafe, yep. And he's like, you're George McFly. He goes, yeah, what of it?

And then Biff comes in and he sort of bullies George McFly a bit. Bifton. Big bifter. And then he turns his bullying onto marty mcfly what you looking at yeah but head dork thinks he's going to drown etc george mcfly like sneers are you doing the whole film here just to be clear are you summarizing a specific moment just this scene just the scene it's just the level of detail is extraordinary but it's such a the bit where george mcfly turns on he starts bullying his own son oh resonance yes yeah does that remind you of

when you traveled back in time and were bullied and was bullied by my dad yes yeah and i was thrown in a canal by my great-granddad yes is the grandfather paradox donkey shakeshaft edition yeah yeah i don't know how anybody starting the podcast today could have made sense of anything we've said so far yeah i don't know there was a whole scene of back to the future acted out yeah yeah they they better have seen back to the future because if they haven't i'll just act i'll just continue to act it out just continue to do the rest of them it's a great film i'm doing all the voice uh join the patreon for james doing the entirety of back to the future or that could be our christmas panto there's already a musical oh well forget it i'll just tell you a story shall i instead yeah let's do that instead yeah from the peak district

it is oh one of the top districts it is well it's up there this is this tale comes from tales and traditions of the high peak by william wood just one peak just that one peak the high peak is it weirdly is the name of the area right by william wood of eam we've had a few from this guy before this was the source for major andrea miss seward oh yeah oh i can't remember but i think i hated that major andre uh also uh the death token or gabriel hounds which was from the episode return of the gabriel hounds the gabriel hounds dickie's skull oh yeah these are all these are all classic episodes the minor and the ghost yeah i don't remember that one not the best name but it was Gabriel Hounds. Dickie's Skull. Oh, yeah. These are all classic episodes. Absolute bangers. The Miner and the Ghost.

Yeah, I don't remember that one. Not the best name, but it was the one where the guy got drunk at the pub and then was like, I'm going to challenge the ghost. That's about half of your stories there, James. And then was going to challenge a ghost and then thought he was getting dragged underwater or something and then woke up with his feet in a stream. Yeah, okay. That one, not a classic story i think that one well i think this one's gonna become one of the

classics this is oh good the witches of bakewell it already sounds better than a man with his legs in a puddle do you know of bakewell the town i well i know them for their tarts i hope that isn't i hope people of bakewell aren't sick of hearing about it, but I love Bakewell tart. Who doesn't? Describe to me your Bakewell tart. Well, there's two kinds that I know of. Ah, he's evading my trap.

Listener, he's evading my trap. Have I evaded the trap? You have. The commercialised Bakewell tart. No, no, no. I'm doing the peak accent. Okay. That's how the locals say it.

Yeah, I think that's what they say. The commercialised Bakewell tart. I think we just got banned in America. It has icing on top and even a glacier cherry. Is that the word I want? Glacier cherry? It can't be a glacier cherry. It's got to be a glacier cherry.

It's got to be a Class A cherry. A Class A cherry on icing. But the other kind has, I don't know if it's marzipan or pastry on top, but it doesn't have the icing, doesn't have the cherry, but both of them are delicious. Yes. Well, that's the cherry bakewell is what you've described. I've described a cherry bakewell, right.

Your Mr Kipling pies, those are cherry bakewells. Mr Kipling. Then yes, you've got the bakewell tart, which has got like an eggy, egg and almond topping, and then jam, and then pastry. Then there's another one. Whoa, a third? Which is... A third tart has entered the ring.

Yeah. Now then, I've got myself into hot water recently by getting things wrong. So I'm just going to double check my earlier search history. And the one that I had when I visited Bakewell was a Bakewell pudding. Oh, this is news to me. I've never heard of such a thing. If you go on your Wikipedia's. Yeah.

Wikipedia's. That's where the cool teens hang out. It's a rad website. It's an incredibly unappetising look, but it is a delicious pudding. So what does it look like? It looks like... I'm just going to search now. It looks like someone's roughly cut a round bit of pastry

and just dolloped some jam on it and then baked it. Revolting. That is a horrible picture. But it's delicious. It's a very bad photograph as well, the one that comes up. It's a horrible item, hideously photographed. There were three shops in Bakewell that claimed to be the origin of the pudding. Why would you?

Is that like the way innocent people sometimes come forward and confess to a crime for the attention? A common story was first made by accident in 1820, and they seem to have kept that look. You don't say. Yeah, I dropped some jam on some pastry. But that isn't even the tale I want to tell you about. I want to tell you about the witches, the witches of Bakewell.

Not to stay on tarts for too long, but what's good about the Bakewell tart is the name is already advertising itself because of Bakewell. Oh, yes. You see what I mean? I never even realised. It contains a recommendation within the name. I don't think I knew it was a place.

Really? I thought it was like advice for making it. Oh. Are you going to tell me that doughnuts come from Krispy Kreme? The town of Krispy Kreme? It was a guy. It was a guy called crispy cream actually three guys claimed to have but anyway it's fine but they did it by accident

didn't mean it to be this crispy just a little bit of history of bakewell then while we're while we're talking about the name according to the saxon chronicle friend of the show i always read it on the train another sidebar to this sidebar what was your local newspaper called i think it would be the durham advertiser an advertiser in durham yeah so it was mostly you know like little adverts for if someone had a chest of drawers they wanted to get away um or a cup and balls to sell have Have I said before about when we used to, young whippersnappers do prank calls to the people advertising things in our local one?

No. No. Now, tread carefully here, James, because I only, as I'm sure I've told you, hate prank calls. Oh. So you're going to have to, this is going to have to be really hilarious

to impress me. Okay. A grouch. Me and actually one of the witnesses to the snuffling beast rang up about a baby sling. A baby sling? A baby sling, yeah. I guess it was a papoose or something.

For catapulting a baby? Well, you're two steps ahead of me. Oh, okay. I see, I see. Basically, we pretended to be Americans and my friend rang up and said, I'm ringing up about this baby sling we just gotta ask you said we pretended to be americans we should have said we pretended to

be james stewart the actor james we as children put on the voice of the actor james stewart and phoned up oh we gotta ask a couple of questions here. You say it's a baby sling. That was the, I nearly named him. That was the other guy who was involved in this. That was your co-conspirator. My co-conspirator was like, yeah, we got to ring up about the baby sling. We're just, me and my pal John here, we're just getting, we're working out. And then I shouted from the other side of the room,

how far does it sling them? And they hung up. Good joke. That's not really a prank call so much as a little sketch just for an audience of one. Oh, no, we recorded it. Okay. This is the day before mobiles.

The day before mobiles. It was a cordless phone, a cordless house phone, and you could tune the radio to it, basically. So we tuned the radio to it and recorded it onto tape and made a little bootleg tape of skits. A collection of evidence. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did it by accident and there was two other people.

It could have happened in two other houses. So anyway, according to the Saxon Chronicle, ours was the Bambury Cake, by the way. That was our local paper. What? That's a much better name. Again, this is local foodstuffs. There is such a thing as Bambury Cake. I think it's like an Eccles cake, to be honest.

It's very much a currants in dough situation. Well, Bakewell have got three, so we know. But no one will take the blame. Book up your ideas, Bambury. That's what I say. Prior to the arrival of Edward the Elder in 924, Badacanwalan was the name of Bakewell. Badacanwalan. Badacanwalan.

Badacanwalan. Badacanwalan. Which means the bathing well. Ooh. And that sort of evidently slurred into bakewell but a camera land which is definitely easier the way it's spelt there's a stretch of one two three four five consonants in that b-a-d-e-c-a-n-n-w-l-l-a-n boom we're all happy and it's bakewell. So I'm going to get cinematic again. This has got an edge of cinemania.

It feels a bit like a film. Right, yeah. We're in London. Should I be picturing the scene, James? Yeah, picture the scene. Okay, I will. I'm picturing it now. We're in London.

The early 1600s. The swinging 1600s. The swinging 1600s. The swinging 1600s. We're in a cellar. Not sure what bit of London, but a bit of London. So glamorous. And a watchman is making his way down the cellar. He's got his lantern.

He's making a bit of noise saying, Hey, you. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Who's down here? Because he's from London. And down there in the darkness of the cellar is what William Wood, the author of Tales and Traditions of the High Peak, refers to as a Scotchman. A Scotchman?

A Scotchman. Which also sounds like a cake. I assume in this case was a human being. A Scottish person, yes. Right. And that Scotchman is in tattered shirt and trousers and smells somewhat of alcohol and the watchman apprehends this scotchman in this cellar and takes him before the magistrate

purely on the basis of being scottish and drunk is that a Well. I hope it's not. He took him before a magistrate on suspicion of having been concealed in an unoccupied room for sinister purposes. So he arrested him on suspicion of being in a room. I think that bit is very easily provable. Yeah, he was definitely in that room, but for sinister purposes. It is a thing. I've read a good book called Night Walking, which is all about the history of people walking at night time and how it was basically, I think even in Roman times

and up to medieval times, before you had lights, it was kind of illegal. Like, curfew was just normal. Any crime that was committed at night time came with a stronger sentence like a surcharge because it was committed at night time yeah there's a surcharge for criming at night really yeah because people were terrified of the night so he gets him in up in front of the magistrate says where are your clothes did the magistrate ask that question yeah where are your clothes is he australian maybe that question? Yeah. Where are your clothes?

Is he Australian? Maybe. He's had a long day. Carry on. Mate, where are your clothes? Where are your clothes? To which the Scotsman, Scotchman, according to this,

I'm going to say Scottish person or Scotsman. I don't need that heat. There are Mrs. Stafford's house in Bickwell, Derbyshire, replied the wary Scotchman. I did not wary enough. Was there enough wariness in the voice? I felt some wariness, but not a lot of wariness. They're at Mrs. Stafford's house in Bickwell, Derbyshire. That's where his clothes are.

Yeah, Bickwell in Derbyshire. Why, have you walked here with only a shirt torn into ribbons on your back? I came, I don't know how. T'was like a wind. But Mrs Stafford came same fashion. I was in bed at three o'clock this morning. At Bakewell. And Mrs Stafford too, but she's gone back. And her sisters too, I thinks it is, said the wily villain. Why? Villain or victim of teleportation? Okay, now we're going to go to it. We the wily villain why villain or victim of teleportation okay now we're going to go to we're going to flash back okay to allegedly 3 a.m this morning now there is a bit of

a there's a potentially a dark end to this so i'm just teeing people up we're not let's not have too much fun all right because there's potentially a real miscarriage of justice happens. But it's also, I'm not 100% sure, because the Azizes, Azizes, Azizes. I can't remember. It's whichever one we don't think it is. Yes. So I think it's Azizes. Yeah, one of them or probably a fourth, Azizes. Because Azizes is more fun.

Azizes is more Bowie, so it's probably Azizes. It's not that, it's Azizes. Azizes. Confident, confident that it's the Azizes. Aziz's is more Bowie, so it's probably Aziz's. It's not that. It's Aziz's. Aziz's. Confident that it's the Aziz's. Was it our sizes? There was a bit of fun to be had, but we went the other way. Yeah, so the records of the Aziz's, whatever, have been lost for this time. Convenient.

So we don't know if quite a bad thing happened ultimately, or if this is just all wholesale story. But we're going to tick back the clock to 3am that morning. Dong. Tick, tick. Dong. Dong. Gnob.

Gnob. That's a bong backwards, but that does... Yeah. To be honest, it sounds good. That just sounds like a bong. That was me doing backwards ticks. That's the best I could do. Oh, it sounded That just sounds like a bong. Well, that was me doing backwards ticks. That's the best I could do. Oh, it sounded like you were doing a bong.

Oh, I said the other kind of bong. Right, yeah, yeah. Sorry. I don't know anything about that. No. We're back. It's 3am. The Scottish guy, he's in bed,

and he's awoken by a bright light shining from between the floorboards. What's that? What's that light between the... By the way, we're in Bakewell now. We're at Mrs Stafford's house. That probably came up in text on the screen. I'm in Bakewell, by the way.

Oh, what's going on here in Bakewell on the first floor? For Americans, first floor is your second floor. That's the second floor. To Americans, but to us, it's the first floor. There's something going on, don't there? So he started peeping through the little gaps. He was peeping through the little gaps. Have a wee peep.

And underneath was Mrs Stafford and her accomplice, and they looked like they were preparing for a journey. But it's night time, James. That's illegal. It was fully illegal. To go anywhere at night. Why would you want to go somewhere at night? Also, I think in the past, getting ready to go out probably had, there was more of a look to it.

Whereas nowadays it would be like, oh, maybe they've got a coat on and they're patting their pockets to see if they've got their keys. Doing that little dance. Phone, keys, wallet. Ding, ding, ding. Time to leave. But in those days it was like, pouch of monies.

Jing, jing, jing. Probably a bald ding, ding. Time to leave. But in those days it was like, pouch of monies. Ching, ching, ching. Probably a baldrick, perhaps. What's that? Is that a sash? Is it? Undercoat, overcoat. Yeah, undercoat, overcoat, under-undercoat. Over-overcoat. Under-hat,

over-hat. Yeah. Yes. And then he heard Mrs. Stafford repeat the following lines. Over thick, over thin, now devil to the cellar in London. And immediately

they vanished and all was dark. And he was startled and the lodger muttered to himself those same words. Through thick, through thin, now devil to the cellar in London. Now, you notice there, Alistair,

he's made a small error in his recitation. Oh, no. They said, over thick, over thin. He said, through thick, through thin. And as the last word was delivered, a rush of wind blew him to london through right bushes hedges everything into a cellar rambling over hedges and ditches yeah exactly and then in a moment he was seated all tattered and torn beside mrs stafford and the

other witch in a lamplighted cellar in lond. And the witches were tying up large parcels of silks and muslins, which they had purloined in an instant from shops in the area. They've been teleportating Robin. They've been doing some teleportation burglary. Wow. I mean, if I could teleport stock out of shops, I wouldn't go to London to do it. I would just teleport the stock directly to Bakewell. They have to go through the portal because they have to say it and they have to grab it and then

say it again i see okay okay yes fair enough fair enough i don't know why they then i'm not still not sure why they need to go to a seller but okay i guess they're just getting it all together maybe i don't know why i don't know why i'm not a criminal look i don't want to i don't want a non-witch playing to these witches exactly witches. Exactly. And their fabric-stealing scheme. I'm sure they know their business. I'm not a teleporting criminal. I don't know how it works. With the best will in the world, I'm not.

And then Mrs Stafford immediately hands him some wine. He immediately drinks it. Of course he does. Of course he does. And immediately falls asleep. Mm-hmm. And then he's awoken. And then I was woken up by your man here coming down.

No, I've started riffing now. Yeah, I didn't think that was a direct quote. I was woken up when your man came here, knocking on the police, waking me up. And, uh... Who's that down there? Are you Scottish? Because I was Cockney for a start, and then I became Australian. Well, that was the judge, I think, was Australian.

Oh, yeah, because I'm Cockney. I'm going to take you to meet my Australian friend. Unfortunately, that judge has a whole paragraph of speech now, so I'm going to have to do that. Right, okay. Great. He's told this story. He says, ah, ah, this is witchcraft.

Clear case. Clear case indeed. Take down his depositions. him some clothes away to bakewell seize the accused witches convey them to the country jail try them on this good man's evidence and execute them immediately praise the lord which worked quite well in that accent i think yeah it sounded really good yeah and. And as William Wood says, ridiculous and incredible as this may appear now, it is in fact irrefragable and undeniable

that Mrs Stafford and her female accomplice in witchcraft were executed in Derby 1608. Right. Well, I was about to try and refrag it, so... Well, you can't. I'm glad to know that it's irrefragable. It was irrefragable. Saves me the trouble of trying and refrag it. Well, you can't. I'm glad to know that it's irrefragable. It was irrefragable. Saves me the trouble of trying to refrag it.

It's been fragged once, leave it. It is irrefragable. So they were definitely executed. Yeah. So on the evidence here adduced, that is to say a Scotchman had had some of his clothes detained by Mrs Stafford at Batewell because the clothes were at the lodgings when they went there.

Okay, so that corroborates his story of teleportation. Yeah, that's all the evidence. No wonder he sounded wary. He's absolutely spinning a tale. This is early 1600s, so James I is going to do his discovery of witches and what not. I'm going to have to jump in that I don't think a discovery of witches... Was that written by James I is going to do his discovery of witches and what not. I'm going to have to jump in that I don't think a discovery of witches. Was that written by James I?

I don't mean the TV show. Yeah, I think the book is called A Discovery of Witchcraft and it's by Reginald Scott. And I think James I's book is Demonology. Ah, yes, you're right. Popular belief held that all obtainable copies of Discovery of Witchcraft were burned on the accession of James I in 1603. Well, Discovery of Witchcraft was a book debunking the idea of witches. Debunking? Debunking. But it proved to be irre-debunkable.

Irrefragable? I think Discovery of Witchcraft explained how you could do things like basic conjuring tricks really and give the impression of being a witch yeah yeah so i think uh reginald scott was more of a skeptic oh yeah he was sort of out of step with the the rest of his times yeah it dismarketh sundry egregious impostures did it if i remember rightly yeah oh it's all coming back to you now, is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And in certain principal chapters and special passages,

hitteth the nail on the head with a witness. That's what Gabriel Harvey wrote in 1593. He said it hitteth the nail on the head. Is that a five-star review? Yeah. Mate, mate, it's really hitteth the nail on the head. Four stars. Stars.

There was an extra Y in there. Yeah, S-T-R-R-E-S. Staris. Ye review, Red, like a faiva. Anyway, yes. So you think, I suppose, if you were caught semi-naked and drunk in London. Having been concealed in an unoccupied room for sinister purposes. As we know, he's illegal.

That's almost as illegal as going outside at night, being in a room. Being inside at night. Whoa, what are you doing? Being inside a room? At night. The only thing you could do to really get yourself out of trouble would be to say where's witches witches

did this to me blame an innocent milliner in Bakewell yeah I mean what's more plausible that witches were

teleporting from Bakewell to London to steal fabric burgling witches or a Scotsman was drunk which is

I mean it could be either. Mm, exactly. Let's err on the side of caution and execute those women. Yeah, hang two women. To be safe. Yeah, as I say, as far as I can see, the Azizes records for that time were destroyed in a fire

in, I think, the 19th century. So, yeah. We can't check. We can't see it i can't you can't really check it according to william wood willie woods during the long parliament three thousand supposed witches were executed in england dreadful fanaticism willie woods coming strongly there coming out strongly against the executing of people for witchcraft. Good for him. Good for him, yes. Good for him.

Also, on the Lawmen podcast, we think executing people for witchcraft is usually wrong. Yes, definitely. Most of the time. You know what, Alistair? You know what you've done there? You've hitteth the nail on the head. Yeah, thank you. Thank you.

Four stars. Thank you. So that's the tale of the witches of bakehall great story and the liar of scotland yeah and the untrustworthy scottish man still when i believe they teleported i was quite enjoying it it was quite fun a lot of fun until i realized you just made that up yeah you don't see a lot of teleportation in stories no and not for nefarious dealings either just seemed like a fairly low-scale use of teleportation. If you could teleport.

Mm. Mm. I'm going to get so much silk. And anything else? Nah. And she's a milliner. I am a milliner, so I'm, yeah, probably going to find use for those. A milliner's a hat, specifically a women's hat maker, right?

Yes, that's right. Yeah, so all she's doing is just keeping up a millinery and as a day job and it's just a way of getting you know extra stock in yeah so witchcraft is just a sideline because because millinery isn't really bringing the money in quit the millinery and just become a just become a full-time witch a full-time teleportation thief yeah you could just steal money and food and really cut out the the whole millinery part of the scam. The middle mill... The middle millin' man.

Yes, cut out the middle milliner. Shall we move to the scores? Yes, let's do the scores. Excellent. Okay, right. First up, naming. Names. A welcome return to Willie Woods.

Yes. Of Willie Woods. It's not a place, it's a person. Thankfully. But there could be a place. It could be, but you don't want to be visualising it. No. I am now. Let's reverse out of that mental image.

Okay. Yeah, sort of actually, there's not that many names, are there? Mrs Stafford. Back to Willy Woods. Just plough straight back in there. Slam it back into first. We've got Mrs Stafford, which is a rubbish name. We've got Bakewell, which is the name of a tart and a thing that you do to a tart.

Yes. Great. There was a brief mention of Friend of the Show, Saxon Chronicle, and also Edward the Elder, I think made his pod debut was yeah eddie elds eddie the elds old eddie the elder badikhan wulan badikhan wulan yeah yeah no one else had a name the scotchman we didn't even correctly name his nationality the scotsman the scottish man the watchman the watchman and the magistrate none of them had a name no um so i think it's The Scottish Man. The Watchman. The Watchich Man. And the Magistrate. None of them had a name.

No. So I think it's a two out of five. Both of those two being for Willie Woods. Lovely. Who's been on the podcast before, but I'm still enjoying it. Yeah, quite rightly. Next category. Supernatural.

I'm going to say it's high. Really? Yeah. Because the evidence of the Azizes... Azizes. Our sizes. Which one is it? Yeah.

The evidence of the Azizes has gone up in smoke. So we just don't know. And I really like a bit of teleportation. I really enjoy the mystery of him being whisked. And not as he intended through the normal, I guess, a portal. But through the medium of um in being whisked and not as he intended through the normal i guess a portal through the the medium of wind yeah i guess the witches when they did it they went up in the air so a bit more like a witch on a broomstick type vibe oh right they would have kind of done an arc but somehow still landed in a cellar yeah Yeah, down the chimney, maybe? So there's still some teleportation.

And they're obviously then able to get into other stores, cellars. According to Malleus Maleficarum, if I'm pronouncing that correctly, which is the big book about how you catch witches. Oh, yeah. But witches can't really do anything because witches don't really have magic powers, according to that book, because that would be against God. The powers that they have are all the powers of the devil.

So the biggest power they have is the power over your eyes and your ability to see. So when you see a witch flying, it's actually just a devil carrying the witch. But you can't see the devil. And that's how, yeah, that's their understanding. That's their explanation for how their nonsensical belief in witchcraft is congruent with their religious faith uh it's just devils who are like green screened out of the world just picking stuff up and moving it about right so it could be that it could have been he was being dragged there by devils he invokes the devil at the start right

yeah that's the thing it's um that's what the little incantation is. Over thick, over thin, now devil to the sever in London. Which we know now that it doesn't work. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but no one repeat this, because maybe I just haven't got the powers. Maybe. I mean, that does sound like quite a lot of comedy venues in London.

You could be forced to riff your way around a milliner routine in seconds, James. Oh, no. Completely naked. So, in conclusion, it's five out of five for Supernatural. Yes. My next category. Okay, that's everything to play for. Is Justice is Blind.

Right. Sort of a play on blind justice. How is that a play? It's not really a play. I've just said it in a different order. Rearrange the words. Okay. Just change them around's just, it's not really a play. It's just, I've just said it in a different order. Just rearrange the words. Okay. Just change them around.

So who's blind? The Aussie guy. The Australian. The Australian. Well, like, come on. Oh, you mean figuratively to the truth. Is that what you mean? Yes.

He has the wool pulled over his eyes by that naked Scotsman, Scottish man. And that would be annoying for him because sheep farming is the backbone of the australian economy exactly and where did he get that wool did he steal it did he use his portal to steal it from a seller probably he probably did yes we're stealing it from an honest aussie trader that guy comes up with an absolute C&B story. Yeah, absolutely. To be fair, he's riffed that in the moment with a hangover. So that's not that bad. Well, yeah, it's pretty good, but it's not believable. It is, evidently, by this guy.

Yeah. But I think he's very, very credulous. This is witchcraft. Clear case. Clear case indeed. Yeah, you could just say anything in those days was witchcraft and people would be oh yeah yeah that's quite sad yes uh okay having just said that it was supernatural

and they were definitely witches uh i'm gonna have to give this a high score because they were definitely not witches because there's no such thing as witchcraft and if the if indeed they were executed it was wrongful there's two wolves inside of you, Alistair. Are there? One of them. Yes. It's news to me. One of them is lurking inside a basement for sinister purposes. Right. And the other one hitteth the nail on the head.

Okay, yeah. I didn't really understand that, but... No, me neither. I'm going to say it's four out of five for whatever this category was because it's less fun.'s i do think the execution of innocent people is um is less fun than witches teleporting yes so one point knocked off for unfun and hopefully this particular story is not true let's hope it's not true let's hope for the first time on this podcast we've told a story that isn't true. Yes.

And my final category. Okay. It's read the small print. Yeah, don't recite a vague recollection. If you're going to incant, make sure you... Get it right. Yeah, get it right. Because there's a big difference between over something and through something.

Because, yeah, yeah yeah yeah oh the old wind dragging you through walls and bushes it would look good in the film though it would have been a good sequence all the way from derbyshire though yeah it's quite far i think you'd die in a car it takes hours yeah and that and we've got the m6 toll yeah what was this category again there aren't any other examples it's small read this also that's it so i was thinking that you were going to come up with some brilliant legal loophole of the judge forgot about no the fire of the records there probably is some kind of notice there saying, hey, don't burn this. Probably don't set this stuff on fire.

That somebody overlooked when they set it on fire. And when the Scottish guy went to lodge at the witch's house, there was probably some sort of contract that was like, don't peek through the betwixt the floorboards. Yeah. Even if you see a spooky light. Yeah, look, peek ye not twixt the floor planks yeah and also when he was visiting london someone should have warned him that it was illegal to

be scottish in a hole yes at night it's a four as you as you i don't need to tell you that yeah i should have checked that beforehand yeah yeah you've slipped up well let's just get into our sleepy bags and try and pass a peaceful night here in willy woods don't peek between the woods no matter what you hear we'll see i'll just hammer in these tent pegs oh no oh no i've gathered some foliage to make a small fire and i'll be honest it stinks they didn't survive did they james yeah no i don't think, did they, James? Yeah, no, I don't think they did. If they existed... If they existed, they

died. And if they didn't exist, they were never alive. As I often say, they were still alive today. I think they're being alive. Yeah, at the end of the day, it is what it is. Stop saying things are is what it is about witches. It is what it is though, isn't it, at the end of the day, it is what it is. Stop saying things are is what it is about witches.

It is what it is, though, isn't it, at the end of the day? That's the very thing about witches. Things are not what they seem. James, I'm confused. Me too. Alistair, in this, you allude to me doing stand-up about millinery, and that's an actual thing, and if you listen to the bonus episode,

you'll hear the actual stand-up about millinery. Or if you'd ever seen me gig circa 2014 to 16 the options are learn time travel or join the patreon patreon.com forward slash lawmen pod that's for the patreon not the time travel it's time travel that's a little little time travel paradox yeah yeah you. Yeah. You'll get it. You'll get it one day, probably. Are you suggesting that they might not be ready for it, James? Yeah, but the kids are going to love it.

Nice. Good.