Loremen Podcast - S5 Ep15: Loremen S5Ep15 - 2023 Almanac Part 2

Episode Date: January 11, 2024

And lo! The six top episodes of 2023 (as selected by the Lorefolk via patreon.com/loremenpod) appeared! Lets see which tales were tall enough to make the cut: 06: Strawberry Hill Gothic 05: The Tanuki with Yuriko Kotani 04: Cornwall's Loneliest Vicar 03: The Ghostbusting Parsons of Penzance 02: The Croglin Grange Vampire 01: The Wold Rangers with Amy Gledhill And stay tuned at the end for a spooky bonus from Bec Hill's episode... LoreBoys nether say die! Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 @loremenpod youtube.com/loremenpodcast www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. With me, Alistair Beckett-King. And me, James Shakeshaft. And also Alistair Beckett-King and James Shakeshaft from the past, because this is an almanac episode. It is. It features us as young whippersnappers. Way back in 2023. 2023. We're up to 12 months younger.

And it's not just us, James. No. It's guests. It is. Who are we talking about here? Don't spoil it. A vampire? Okay, so I won't spoil it. Alright, well just get on and do the episode now. Alright, well let's do it.

We'll do then. And now it's the episode. Yay! James, level with me. Yeah. In the last episode, we announced that there were 14 top episodes from last year. Yes. And then we introduced eight of them. Yes.

And in this episode, we're doing six. Now, was that division intentional, or did we think we'd done seven? No, I can count. Okay. Mostly. can count okay mostly it was the the nature of the votes meant that the the bottom eight pretty much all had the same amount of votes but the top six are actually different so the top six are actually good so if you thought last week was a bit rubbish this this week's episode is going to be brilliant is that the idea your socks are going to be not clean off your ear socks are going to be

knocked off i'm going to put an extra pair on just to be knocked clean off. Your ear socks are going to be knocked off. I'm going to put an extra pair on just to be ready. Before we start, can I read a letter? Oh, yes. Is this a summons? It's not one of the summonses to the Aziz's. We occasionally get lovely letters from listeners. And this is one of them from Lynn in America, who sent us an email about Yorkshire voices,

which I'm going to read. And it's all about accents, and I'm not going to read it in the correct accent because I don't know what a Columbus, Ohio accent is. But Lynn says, James and Alistair, happy new year from the heart of the US Midwest, Columbus, Ohio. I was born in Columbus and have lived here most of my life. Like most book eyes, brackets people from Ohio.

Good morning. I can recognize accents from nearby states, West Virginia, Kentucky, Indiana, Pennsylvania. I honestly didn't know that those places had their own accents. Good for them. That's a lot of states to be nearby. That's a lot of states to be nearby. I think all those states are bigger than Britain.

She goes on to say, however, I've never had a good understanding of British accents. After listening to your podcast for the last few years, I'm starting to recognise a few accents. I can now recognise Welsh. Could she recognise yours and mine? She doesn't mention our accents. She says Gordie.

She means Geordie. She's got spelling in brackets. She's not sure how to spell Geordie. And Yorkshire. Oh. Quite insulting not to include Lancashire, the accent for which you're famed, James. Or the South.

Yeah, or any of the Southern accents. In general. She concludes, the only problem is that now when I hear a Yorkshire person speak on YouTube, I expect them to start yelling about Trebeks. Trebeks. Trebeks.

Thanks for all your hard work. Please keep it up. P.S. What is a Trebek? Imagine getting all the way through that episode with no idea what Cantrell was talking about. Ah, yes, I can. Easily. I can see how it can happen.

Easily. Any time spent with Cantrell, you finish thinking, what was he talking about? Oh, that's a lovely email. Thank you for that email, Lin. Thank you for all the nice emails that people send in. I wish I could help you more with the accents. I can almost recognise Welsh Geordie in Yorkshire myself. And, of course, Lange.

I have to say, Jenny doesn't have a very strong Welsh accent, does she? No, but maybe it's the accent that we do when Jenny comes on. Oh, okay, yeah. Oh, I don't know if I would learn what Welsh is from that. I don't know what's wrong with that. Move on, move on. Yes. Alison, let's get back to counting down

the top 14 episodes. We're at number six. Number six. In at number six, it is an episode from April the 27th of its series four, episode 42, Strawberry Hill Gothic. Certainly, in my opinion, one of the best episodes to feature a cravat made of wood. Exactly. And let's listen to the origin story of that cravat.

Well, that's the weird thing about Strawberry Hill House, because if you're imagining something sort of Tim Burton-y, it's not that at all. So you and perhaps the listener might want to pause and ask Jeeves, or indeed Alta Vista, Strawberry Hill House, to get a sense of what it looks like. I've just seen that picture of that old lady getting a cake. You're still looking at a picture of her? She's looking at them going, that's not a bacon sandwich.

There better be bacon in the middle of that cake. What's the filling? Bacon? What do you think you're doing? I eat bacon. You come to me on my 109th birthday without a bacon sandwich. This is when Bob Dylan played the Godfather.

Asking for a favour. I'm going to make you another. You're carrying a fume. Oh, wow. It is pretty cakey, though, Strawberry Hill House. It does. Yes. Oh, absolutely.

It looks like a wedding cake. Yes. The exterior is white. The interiors are full of bright reds and blues and Ostrogothic wallpaper. It's a bit much. Oh, it is way, way too much. It's like if you did Disneyland, but with the budget of Metroland. And now you have to know what Metroland is to really get that analogy.

Have I told you about Metroland? No. Did your parents trick you into thinking that the French Underground was your favourite theme? Was the theme park, yeah. A very, very, very flat roller coaster. Yeah. So in the North East, we've got the Metro Centre, which is like our version of a big out-of-town shopping mall.

Oh, yeah. Like in East London, you've got Bluewater. Yeah, sure, Bluewater, ain't it? Or Bluewater, if you were to pronounce the letters in that name. Bluewater. Metroland was a mini theme park inside the Metro Centre, which had its Metro gnomes, which were people dressed up as gnomes. And I'm aware, as I say this, that it sounds like a lie.

But it's true. We had gnomes, giant gnomes. Was the Metro, it sounds like it lie. Yeah. But it's true. We had gnomes, giant gnomes. Was the metro, it sounds like it would be futuristic. It was more medieval. There was a Strawberry Hill House-style fairy tale castle, but you couldn't reach it. If you tried to reach it, you fell into a hall of mirrors. Oh.

So my entire childhood was spent trying to work out how you could get to the fairy tale castle. Walpole coined the word gloomth to describe the effect gloomth to describe the effect he was trying to achieve uh right it's not the noise that the helmet made that'll be more of a i think because really he was he was in he was in bits james there was nothing left of conrad that is he isn't he's not coming back later on like, oh, it was only a small helmeting. Just when I thought I was out, they helmeted me back in.

Just when I thought I was out. Bob Dylan playing all the parts. Yes. Oh, no, the head of a horse. The whole thing is a sort of weird fake. You know, it's full of things that look like stone, but are really plaster or papier-mâché. Walpole wrote that my buildings, like my writings, are of paper and will blow away 10 years after I am dead. Which is not quite true because the building is still there.

But unfortunately, his vast collection of art and treasures and oddities has been sold or lost. If you go there, it makes the place even weirder because it's got these just empty rooms. There's just nothing in most of the rooms. And he used to have loads of great stuff. He used to have Dr. D's magical speculum. Wait a minute.

Not the kind of speculum you might be visualising. Good. Is that the bit between the front and the back? It is an obsidian scrying mirror, now in the British Museum. And when you use it to look where? He owned a wooden cravat. Yeah. Yeah, you heard me, James.

A wooden cravat. This guy was off the hook. I like that. I like a wooden cravat. It was carved by Grinling Gibbons, the incredibly talented woodcarver. So it looked like lacework. And he would wear it.

And he'd be like, what do you think of my lace cravat? And they'd be like, yeah, normal. And then he'd be like, it's made of wood. Knock, knock. I'm actually wearing a wooden cravat. I've got splinters all over the chair. He had a China goldfish bowl, wherein, tragically, his beloved cat, Selina, drowned trying to catch goldfish.

In the end, it was the goldfish who were victorious. And James, that means that the cat sleeps with the fishes, I just realised. Oh, the cat sleeps with the fishes. So he created a magical place, a magical fabrication, I suppose, and filled it with stuff that appealed to him. And crucially, not everyone liked it. He asked, I think, a French woman, Lady Hollande, or Holland, I guess, how she liked Strawberry Hill.

And he writes, she owned, she did not approve of it. And it was not digne de la solidite anglaise, or I think roughly translated via the old Ask Jeeves, worthy of English solidity. So, yeah, it was too frivolous. It was too silly and funny. And he was not at all bothered by that. And he goes on for several pages about how it didn't even bother him. In fact, he was laughing.

Well, I know that's the sort of vibe of someone who perhaps does care but to be honest i i think he should have known he's gonna have a silly house if he's like knocking around with a wooden cravat uh yeah he writes it made me laugh for a quarter of an hour which is uh longer than i believe he actually laughed for like i like a good laugh but a quarter of an hour 15 minutes lots to think about there yes yeah so the building is still there the strawberry hill house yes the building is still there you can go inside it's all. You can go and look at it. The insides have all gone. You can go and look at it. Can you go in it? Largely empty rooms.

Yes, you can. Really? Is it like National Trust where you break in and enter? No. It's not Urban X, exploration. No.

You're allowed. You're allowed. They've got carpets and everything. Oh. Not for long when you've been in there. Is that why it's cleared out? Did you go around with a van? Are you accused me of being a carpet thief yes this is

an established backstory that i have that i've forgotten about no no i just added a new thing to the mix time traveling vampiric carpet thief i seem like a carpet thief the kind of guy make sure that carpet is properly tacked down watch your carpets here comes abk and to the next episode then alistair number five well this is one of your stories james it is it is from august series four episode 54 it's got a special guest it's got a special guest it's got yuriko katani and we chat about the tanuki and which i do some wonderful acting and also baffle baffle myself and you with taxonomy i have since looked it up well let's listen to the episode i'll do my clarifications at the end yeah click explain afterwards and what we're going to be talking

about this time is sort of a yokai it's the tanuki i've heard that word before you have have you heard it where have you heard it i have heard it in a little known indie franchise called super mario the plumber super mario plumbers that's what it's called super mario plumbers mario become yeah become tanuki tanuki mario i have to be clear for me it was raccoon mario because that's what it said yes and i would say to my mum on when i played it on the super nintendo or snez he's become a raccoon and now he can fly. And she would say, why can a raccoon fly? And I would say, oh, mum, with his tail.

Obviously. And now in retrospect, that doesn't make any sense. So please explain that. Well, the Tanuki is a Japanese raccoon dog. Wait, it's a dog? It's a raccoon dog? It's referred to as a raccoon dog. And I've done some cursory research on the various forms of dog-like creature, which runs the full gamut from polar bear, the biggest,

What? all the way down to the smallest, the least weasel. The smallest dog is called the least weasel? Yeah. A polar bear has a dog? That's mind-blowing information. I knew it. I knew that bears were dogs

because bears look like people in dog costumes. I've said it before and I'll say it again. But if a bear tells you, leave me alone, you leave it alone. Definitely. I mean, they are massive massive on people in bear costume news there was a recent report when i say report there was a recent news story is this i think this is really serious news if it's the story i have heard also about the sun bear in china nope that's not totally different story Carry on. There's a load of people saw a bear in a zoo in China standing on its hind legs.

And because of the way its skin folded up at the back and it was stood up very straight, it did very much look like a human in a bear costume. And that became a story in the news. As spokesmen pointed out, it was 40 degrees heat. If there had been a human in a bear costume, they would have died. It's just science. It's simple science.

My shockingly similar story was there was a news report about a Japanese guy who has a very realistic dog costume that he wears. Oh, is that the collie man? Yeah, and it's been reported this Japanese man dresses up as Border Collie and it's nonsense because it's not a Border Collie. It's a rough collie.

He looks like Lassie. Border Collies are black and white. Lassie! It's ridiculous. Get your facts straight, the internet. It's not a Border Collie. Yeah, details, please.

So this story is confusingly called Mugina, which is the name of a Japanese badger rather than a tanuki, which is also a real creature and also a folkloric creature that's a shapeshifter that's cheeky. But at one point, basically Mujina and Tanuki were interchangeable words, even though they actually referred to different animals. Right. But in this case, Lafcadio Hearn is referring to a Tanuki. It's very confusing. I'm Googling Mujina right now.

M-U-J-I-N-A. The Japanese badger. Got it? Because it's not that. It's still a tanuki. Just Google a picture of a badger and then immediately dismiss that from your mind because that isn't it.

Oh, we have a word. Onajiana no mujina. Same whole mujina. We get a phrase, which I knew. What does that mean? It means even though they're not related, it's nothing to do with you, but actually it's the same

Wikipedia puts it I think the most succinctly but confusingly Amujina is an old Japanese term primarily referring to the Japanese badger but traditionally to the Japanese raccoon dog, Tanuki causing confusion adding to the confusion it may also

refer to the masked palm civet great, so there's three animals that it could be two of which are mythological Adding to the confusion, it may also refer to the masked palm civet. Great. So there's three animals that it could be, two of which are mythological. And in this case, as we'll find out when we read the story, it's referring to a shape-shifting animal that is never in its non-shape-shifted form. Okay, so, Regina, this is a story from someone who died 30 years previously.

So let's say, as a rough guess, Lafcadio heard it around 1895. This is someone who died by 1865, and it happened to them when they were younger, so we're talking early 1800s and this guy at a very late hour was walking up the akasaka road in tokyo up a slope called the ki no kunizaka and there is an ancient moat which was very deep and very wide with very high banks on it and as he was passing that he saw a woman crouching by the side of the moat,

all on her own, crying quite a lot, weeping bitterly. I know you should be sympathetic in that situation, but my suspicions are instantly aroused. He was concerned, this guy. He was maybe... You're a. He was concerned, this guy. He was maybe... You're a better man than me, this guy.

He said, oh, Jochu. I hope that's not a demeaning or offensive term. Did he add that? A very, very woke historical Japanese man. Tell me what the trouble is, and if there be any way to help you, I shall be glad to help you. And it says

here he really meant what he said for he was a very kind man just to really sort of hammer it home wow yeah it seems like yes i didn't realize the story was gonna go in every way to make me look bad and she continued to weep hiding her face from him in her sleeves and he said please listen to me this is no place for a young lady at night. Do not cry, I implore you. Tell me how I may be of some help to you. And she slowly rose up with her back turned to him, continuing to moan and sob.

And he put his hand lightly on her shoulder and said, listen to me, listen to me. And then she turned, dropped her sleeve sleeve stroked her face with her hand and the man saw that she had no eyes or nose or mouth oh what and he screamed and ran away she was a please correct me yuriko she was a no pero no pero yes What's a no perrobo? I'm not saying it right, but I'm scared. No perrobo? Yeah, yes. No perrobo.

It's basically got no face. It's got a head with no features at all. Oh, so not holes, not voids, but just blank. Just smooth like an egg. Ooh, like my face. But without beard. Yeah, without the beard. My smooth like an egg. Ooh, like my face. But without beard. Yeah, without the beard. My face without a beard.

Completely blank and featureless. Oh, yeah. How terrifying. He ran away. Yeah? Unsurprisingly. He ran and ran, never looked back. Then he saw a lantern far away.

This is why you should never help anyone. Every one of these stories teaches the same lesson and it's just don't help people. Just please don't help people. Please don't help anyone. Every one of these stories teaches the same lesson, and it's just don't help people. Just please don't help people. Please don't help anyone. But he saw a lantern, and he ran towards it, and it turned out to be the lantern of an itinerant soba seller. Soba is a kind of noodles, right?

So this is basically a fast food vendor. Yeah. Very sophisticated, Japan having fast food in like 1860 fast noodles the london equivalent would have just been a man in a hole with some hot fat like some some awful maybe some some tepid awful but he would have slapped you he would have just slapped at you with his hands no implements nothing just hands we got over to the sober cellar. Nothing to slap. And he just flung himself down at his feet, crying out, ah, ah, ah.

And the sober man said, corre, corre, here. What's the matter with you? Anybody hurt you? He says, no, no, nobody hurt me. Only, ah, ah. Only scared you, queried the peddler. Robbers?

No, not robbers, not robbers. I saw, I saw a woman by the moat and she showed me. Oh, I can't tell you what she showed me. Ah, hmm? Heh. Was it anything like this that she showed you? Another. Said the sober man, stroking his own face, which therewith became like unto an egg.

It didn't become unto like an egg, did it, James? And simultaneously, the light went out. Ah, terrifying. This is really scary. I thought there was going to be a fun monkey thing in it. Nope, just scary egg face people. So how many no probo did we have we've got

we've got the first woman the woman who I have to say I was immediately suspicious of I thought she was a raccoon

or something and she was going to have a monkey's face no not a monkey what are they dogs raccoons maybe a raccoon they're raccoons

then there's the the sober cellar very convenient but terrifying yes three maybe three out of five because there were three there were three They're raccoons. And then there's the Sobazella. Very convenient, but terrifying. Yes. Three, maybe? Three out of five?

Because there were three? There were three, as far as we know. Oh. Because they could be anywhere. They could be anywhere. Alistair, I've turned my camera off for this. I imagine if I could reveal myself to have an egg for a face. That would be so terrifying.

Have you set that up? No, I haven't, actually. I've just thought about it now it would have been chilling i think what is that what are we seeing it's my thumb that's your thumb it's my thumb wow how you've i'll just put it near the camera yeah did it look like this thumb oh it's easy to do on a zoom call actually you could be an opera bot anywhere any one of us could be an opera bar on a zoom call i'll make i'll make it a four james because you went to the trouble of impersonating an opera bar yourself so back there when i said i i seemed to imply that the polar bear was the biggest dog and the least weasel was the smallest dog. It's not quite as clean cut as that.

So it seems, from my cursory research, that carnivores are split into two main families, the caniforms and the filiforms. like feely forms feely forms which you don't want to feel because that includes the tiger i want to feel a tiger it's broadly cat like and dog like but to say that the polar bear is the biggest dog that's misleading at best i can't believe you would say something that was technically not 100 accurate on the podcast james well i think i made up for it with my wonderful acting yeah what a great impression thank you very much so who's next well i don't know if you remember

we didn't just put out podcasts this year we did some field reports too and you did one whilst on your holidays in cornwall in in britain's cornish cornwall district yes in cornwall's glittering cornwall yeah the pasty quarter of britain and i to kind of get you in the mood for that i told you a story about cornwall's loneliest vicar in series 4 episode 48 just to establish the vibe i would have in cornwall a lonely bitter character yeah no in 1931 in in cornwall the reverend frederick william densham took over the reins of a church? The holy reins? Yeah.

He hopped into the vestments. Yeah, of St Bartholomew's. It's on the edge of Bodmin. The moor. The moor. Just jumping in with some facts that I know. That's a moor. At one point, it was the remotest town in Cornwall.

Until they built a road, then it became less remote. Hold on. Does that mean there were no towns remotest from where? Anywhere? I think it was just difficult to get to. Right. Because there's surely towns to the west of it. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. That would be more remote from me, where I am now. I think we've had a few of these places. It seems to be the thing in Cornwall. To be the most remote. To. To be the most remote. You're the most remote. And the locals initially found it to be a little bit strange, but they came to accept him.

They come to regret it in a way that lays that comedic trope that when you first meet someone and their idiosyncrasies are quite cute and that, and then after a bit you come to resent them and, you know, that trope. Yes, absolutely, yes, yes. Bit bit like that but with a vicar right so what were his eccentricities and idiosyncrasies he hated organ music oh he stopped sunday school what yep i mean both of these things rule so far, I have to say. These sound tolerable. He refused to hold services at convenient times.

Refused to hold them at convenient times? Yep. He had very strong views against smoking, drinking, gambling, and all forms of entertainment. And anything fun? Yep. Okay. Saying they were not in the Bible, so could not be right.

Okay, but it was the olden days in the Bible, wasn't it? There's loads of things that aren't in the Bible. Yeah. Imagine if he was confronted with a DVD of the film Goodfellas. Poof! Blow his mind. I tell you what he wouldn't do, he would not pirate that DVD. So this guy was believed to have taught in India

and he was a big fan of Gandhi. He was a Fandi. Yes. He was part of the Gandham. The Gandhi fandom. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. That makes sense. He named one of his Alsatians after it,

because shortly after he moved into the rectory, and this might have been one of the things that started to turn people against him, he bought a litter of Alsatians and just let them roam around the village what well it's just a pack of wild dogs just a pack of wild dogs until one of them gandhi killed a sheep that's that is very un-gandhi it's very un-gandhi so what reverend densham did is he built an eight foot high barbed wire fence around the rectory. Around the sheep's.

No, around his own house. Oh, around his own house. Okay, that makes sense. I would have just built a large fence around each individual sheep. But I suppose you do you. Nice one, Densham. But then that meant that people couldn't come and visit their vicar very easily because he was now protected by... An eight foot wall.

Yeah. And a pack of dogs. It'd be like The Great Escape, but in reverse, like trying to get into a prisoner of war camp. Oh, you spoke very good Alsatian. Well, thank you very much. Damn! I nearly got in.

He also painted the walls of the church red, yellow, and blue to try and perk people up. Yeah? Yeah. I bet they loved that they didn't actually okay two years into his tenure he was murdered and no one saw anything they tried to sack him yeah yeah they went to the what you know like the the bishop or whatever and they had an investigation and he argued that he'd done nothing wrong in ecclesiastical law and he was exonerated

there's nothing in the bible against painting walls the color that upsets people is there or having a big wall around your dogs did come out also that when the secretary of the church council tried to stop him from improving the church reverend densham threatened to kill him ah okay still fine though turns out fine yeah is that fine yeah there's nothing in the bible against killing people is there or threatening to kill people maybe he's maybe he's got us on the technicality there yeah the entire church council resigned and people just stopped coming to church and this is the 30s like yeah church is a big thing they haven't got dvds of goodfellas we've established they did not have dvds legal or illegal they didn't even have pirate dvds

so he preached to an empty church for 20 years 20 years 20 years do we think he really did the sermons with no one in there well yes, yes. He made cardboard cutouts of the congregation. This is very odd behaviour. Yeah. He kept a meticulous log. And here's a couple of examples. Say what you will about him. Kept a meticulous log.

As in a diary. No. Because given how this bloke's going, it could have been bits of wood. Could have been a small piece of wood. It was clean, gosh darn it ever so clean actually he he smashed up all the furniture and ripped up all the floorboards for his fire because he was he constantly complained about the cold he's a very peculiar figure so going back to his yeah i mean this i mean i'm just not sure he everything's going that well there no well here's a couple of examples of what was in this log no fog no wind no rain no congregation or it would say

severe gale with hail very cold no congregation he made these sort of wooden cardboard figurines of of congregation and he wrote like little name slips of previous vicars this is according to the independent on sunday from 1981 there was a there was an article about him he can't still have been in in office not by then no no no no this seemed to have been an article because an american book came out called the mad emperor of the USA and Other Great Eccentrics. I see. So he's mentioned in this book. To be honest, I feel, I mean, this is independent on Sunday.

I feel this article is a little bit of filler. It's not front page news. 30 years ago, Vicar, odd. Was strange. Vicar was strange. The final sentence is, however, the truth behind the legend is unlikely to be discovered now and perhaps it's better left that way it's not really incisive journalism

do you want a little bonus ghost vicar while we're here oh yeah yeah please yeah i mean that was just very sad that was very sad is this is this ghost vicar going to be more upbeat because that one was oh yeah big time yeah the bummer okay yeah this one's from 30 the 1300s ralph de tremer um his ghost can apparently be seen from time to time he was a heretic he apparently did the black mass oh they they wouldn't like that in the bodmin region and burned the host burning the host that's jesus's body if you're a catholic in those days the last two things might be true but he did he he was one of the vicar at the time that was like this thing about transubstantiation thing is that that can't be right he got in trouble right so he did he didn't believe that the host was literally the body of christ so maybe he burned it to make that point that was

that was quite a sticking point at the time it wasn't the only thing he burned he resigned in 1334 from being a vicar but he did return to the vicarage to rob the next vicar and burn it down. What? So, yeah, this is vicarage. That's your room. That lock doesn't really work, but I won't worry about that. Yeah, so you've got my number if you need anything. No, I can't smell smoke. See ya.

Jingled off down the path. Do you want my theory to blow this case wide open so that vicar densham it said that when he made his congregation he also would write down the names of previous vicars and so yeah label some of his faux congregation with those names maybe somehow one of those congregants could have been the heretical ralph de tremor yeah after tremor and he may be somehow using the power i don't know a black magic or something yeah yeah maybe accidentally brought him back clearly and he probably animated the is the the effigy made of made naively in sort of straw and cardboard. Exactly. Probably appeared to him on the landing.

Oh, well, I thought maybe he was doing the church service and the cardboard head slumped down and he went to grab it. And he, oh, paper cut of a finger dripped a little bit of blood on it. Ah, classic, yeah. And then, yeah, that that night that night he is a rustling there's a cardboard gargoyle coming for him yeah two eyes made of wafers yes probably made of communion wafers mouth drenched with communion wine we can't know that didn't happen it definitely happened james i visualized it when you described it it clearly happened

yeah yeah yeah so that's uh the story of cornwall's loneliest vicar and i don't think anything einstein did was could have been taken badly could have been misused in cinemas now uh right so you're ready to score did you say sorry did you see that christopher dolan said of oppenheimer um that like he was the darkest character of any of his films even darker than batman it's like whoa do you realize that oppenheimer's a real person you imagine just like he created the bomb it's such it's such it's such a big deal they're almost it's almost insulting to go like wow this is actually almost as serious as batman film three films i made about a man who dresses as a bat to punch people wow this this adam bomb stuff is a big deal but there's that bit isn't there when the in i think

i don't know if it's in batman begins and he's like the criminal's like who are you and he comes and he goes i am become death the destroyed worlds master openheimer i know you've made a and you regret it but we have to keep going I don't want to bury another Oppenheimer. Some people just want to see the enemies of America burn. Let's do the scores. Why so physicist? That was it. That was all I could think of.

That's very good. He was a very odd fellow. He was. That was all I could think of. That's very good. He was a very odd fellow. He was. He was. It seems to be a slightly accursed parish with the other guy who was doing the black mass and eating. What was it? He ate the Holy Host. No, he chucked it in the fire.

You're supposed to eat it. You're meant to eat the Host. You're meant to eat the Host. It sounds wrong, but that's what it says in the instructions but not cook it so james correct me if i'm wrong i think we're staying in cornwall for the third top episode of the year yes it's a tale from you from you from your own research no well thank you very much it's series four episode 49 the very next episode the ghostbusting Parsons of Penzance. Da-da-da-da-da-da. Well, I must say I found the people of Penzance,

I found the people of Cornwall in general to be very sweet. Yes. At one end, but actually savour it at the other end. It's another Cornish pasty crack. I did have a vegan Cornish pasty oh good in the telegraph museum what yeah the newspaper not the newspaper the concept of the telegraph the the concept of an undersea cable ah connecting uh britain with canada america india and some other places and what did they have bits of it oh yeah yeah the um yeah. Just west of Penzance is where all of those cables used to,

and to some extent still do, come inland. Ah. Where, you know, young, clean-shaven men would sit in a cave, literally, during the wars, and just listen to... BEEPING That's not music, that's just a noise. You know what the kids like, James. Ah, those kids.

Those crazy 1940s kids. Now, Mrs Baines lived on Chapel Street, which is the oldest street in Penzance, and it used to be called Our Lady's Street, I assume because it's right next to St Mary's Churchyard. Not because it was named by Geordie. Poor Lady Street. Near Vandervoor Lane.

Ooh. Which presumably is a lane leading towards Vandervoor, which means the Great Road in Cornish, which is the road connecting Penzance to Mousel, or was then. Mousehole for any of the people who've read it. I'm pronouncing it Mousel, because it's written Mousehole. It is Mouse. It does look like a mousehole, but surely that can't be right.

If you're driving on the way, there's a sign that says, height restriction, Mousehole. And it's like, I should think so, because they're really little. But when I said that to the driver, he didn't find that funny at all on the bus. I was like, I should should think so because they're really little but when i said that to the driver i didn't find that funny at all on the bus i was like i think so it's really small did he just tap the sign that said people should not stand in front of this sign or speak to the driver yep yes he did and which is a real feat these days because they've got bulletproof glass is he had a really long thing he poked it out through the the air hole yeah he was like eugene tombs from the x-files she decided to teach him a lesson she herself crept out in her bed

clothes into the orchard at night and started a shaking of the one of the apple trees a shaky shaky shaky and the apples started falling to the ground. Classic scrump technique. Yeah, just your basic scrumping. Yeah. And according to Billy Botts, the rustling of shaken branches and noise of falling apples awoke him and seeing somebody, as he thought, stealing apples from their favourite tree.

Yeah, I think you see where this is going, James. Yeah. He up with his gun and let fly at his mistress, exclaiming at the same time, Now you thief, I've paid ye off for keeping me out of bed to watch ye. I know ye I do, and I will bring ye before his worship the mayor tomorrow. Ah. That wasn't one, two, three.

He didn't actually say one, two, three, it seems. He said a real whole long paragraph um and she replied lord help me i'm killed and fell onto the ground oh no these old timey people were i suppose it's the old twitter they like to just constantly commentate on their lives yep that's that's that's her taking selfies with the apples someone who can't believe shot by own gardener dead hashtag what hashtag literally killed hashtag i am killed everybody knew the old lady by her upturned and powdered gray hair under a lace cap of antique pattern by the long lace ruffles hanging from her elbows, her short silk mantle, gold-headed cane and other trappings of old-fashioned pomp. There are many still living

in Penzance who remember the time when they wouldn't venture on any account to pass through Vandervoor Lane after nightfall for fear of Mrs Baines's ghost. Sometimes she would flutter up from the garden or yard, just like an old hen and put yourself on the wall then for an instant one might get a glance of her spindle legs and high-heeled shoes before she vanished oh oh that's very wicked witchy isn't it yeah she she moved unusually from being a visible ghost to going full poltergeist oh and she also moved from the garden into the house. She started smashing things, doors, glass. Her spinning wheel could be heard. Spinning.

Spinning. An example of what that might have sounded like. Yeah. So, James, here we are. There's something strange in the neighbourhood of Bandevore Lane. Who are you going to call? I don't know. Parson Singleton. It know parson singleton did it did it did it

it's parson singleton even after she was laid the sound of her spinning wheel remember that yes you remember people of the house continued to hear it until at last it was discovered that some leather which had been nailed around a door to keep out drafts was loose in places and that the whistling of the wind through this made the peculiar sound oh sorry kids it's haunted leather it was just noisy leather just squeaky you know the way leather trousers go yes it's the same as that but for doors when sometimes you sit in a fancy chair you have to say it was the chair it was it was the chair it was the door it wasn't a ghost it was the door now do you remember i mentioned saint mary's churchyard yes nearby yeah full

name saint mary the virgin church having a right old dig it's been there for a while but the current church was built in 1835. And I can tell you, James, it looks brand new. That was the first thing I said when I saw it. It looks brand new. All sharp edges. It looks like it was made of Lego. I thought it was fake. And I was saying this so loudly, a helpful churchman, just a man who was standing in the churchyard, came over to explain oh really so the opposite of the old bus driver earlier yeah he tapped a sign saying i'm actually happy to talk to you you're not in london now a medal around his neck that said please stand in front of this sign and

talk to me he explained that the rock there is very very hard so while you and i james might be used to saying church is made of you know workable sandstone yeah your sandstones all of intricate carvings yeah gargoyles grotesques yes there is a difference grotesques are really rubbish ones it's not not not like that in penzance no the stone is so hard that it's relatively flat it's relatively undetailed so the church still looks brand new even though it was built in 1835 it just doesn't have any fiddly bits i can't back all of that up some of that was just told to me by a man that was told to be a man in a churchyard so there was a ghost in saint mary's churchyard around about the same time as mrs baines walked abroad on a nearby lane and people would avoid

walking through the churchyard at night would Would it tell them facts about stone? Because I think I might be putting two and two together. James, wow. I'm genuine. If it were any less hot, I would have had chills. I'm boiling. People were afraid to walk through St Mary's churchyard, but not one jolly jack tar, not one bold sailor.

He wasn't afraid of ghosts. One dark and rainy night, a sailor who neither knew nor cared anything about the ghost of St. Mary's in taking the shortcut... Sorry, just a quick question. Do you know you're doing an accent, or is it like sometimes when you've

been there so long, you've just picked it up? Yeah, I've just gone local, yes. It's very good. Don't get me wrong. What I've just gone local, yes. It's very good. Don't get me wrong. What happened? I forgot where we were. Sorry, I interrupted. He was taking a shortcut through the chapel yard. He came as far as the chapel porch when the ghost issued forth on the path

and stood there bobbing its head and waving its shroudings before him. The sailor said, I'm going to make the sailor a Geordie. I don't have any evidence, but I sort of feel like he's a Geordie because what he says is, Hello? H-A-L-L-O-A. Hello?

Who or what are you? Said the sailor. I am one of the dead. The ghost answered. If you are one of the dead, what the juice do you do here above ground? Who are you down below? Said the sailor.

And what he did was, punch the ghost in the head. He decked him, James. Did you say decked in school? Yes, yeah. In down south. Yeah, he decked him. He leered him out. Oh, he decked him.

He just decked him. He's totally decked him. He's just decked. He's just decked, the lad. He's just decked a ghost. Oh, he's decked him. He's decked him. It's the words lost all meaning. I've said it too many times. He decked a ghost. It's the words lost all meaning.

I've said it too many times. He decked him. What is the devil afraid of, James? I don't know. Give me a second. Okay. Let me think it through. All right.

But every second you waste, that bird is making annoying noises. Think about that. People looking at his feet. Eggs. Close. Oh? Surprisingly close close it's unbaptized babies ah really yeah everyone knows that yeah yes he must have loads he must be thick with them yeah everyone knows the devil is afraid of unbaptized babies and of course it comes to him he slaps his forehead he goes unbaptized babies, he says aloud. And his clerk interrupts and says, bless me sure.

Tis a wonder I didn't think of that before. Now, I'm not doing the accent now. It's written like this. Right. Why, old people, who are the only ones that know anything, say a babe in a house is more used to keep evil spirits out of and than a five-pointed star cut on the dorsal or any number of horseshoes nailed to the lentil. Offensive? Yes. Okay. It's very hard to read

because it's written in dialect. I've got yet more ghost-laying parsons for you, James. GLPs? Yeah, this is the story of Wild Harris. The Bookaboo. What? Well, I think it might be the origin of the word Boogab Wild Harris. The Bookaboo. What?

Well, I think it might be the origin of the word Boogaboo. Oh. Bookaboo is an evil spirit or Bookadoo. Doodhu meaning black, black spirit, evil spirit. Right. In the Cornish language. And is it the origin of the game Buckaroo? Could be.

Let's see how much he manages to balance on this ghost. There is a horse involved. Wild Harris is the ghost of Kennegy Manor, also known as the Squire Spirit. According to Margaret Ann Courtney. That's one person, right? Yes. He was killed while hunting when he fell from his horse.

The horse was startled by a white hare, which is believed to be the spirit of a deserted maiden which crossed its path. H-A-R-E, hare, obviously hair obviously he loved a damsel who was an orphan but his father and cruel housekeeper schemed against her and one day she turned up drowned only perhaps to return in the form of a rabbit which uh precipitated the death of wild harris himself oh an omen rabbit bright eyes presumably red-eyed we don't know according to botrell on winter's nights the squire's ghost with a dozen or more of his old comrades in inverted commas or shuts like spirits would assemble in the bowling green summer house where they might

be seen and heard from the mansion even talking singing and i'm sorry to say james swearing yeah and shouting in a state of uproarious mirth what's he so pleased about this ghost this naughty ghost he was uh he was a party guy he was uh he was a bedlam boy he was a hoodlum so he'd ride about hunting as a ghost he would he'd go about drinking with his pals as a ghost. Nothing anyone could do could stop it. Lesser Parsons tried and failed to lay the spectre. Enter Parson Polkinghorne. It's Parson Polkinghorne. James is not afraid of any ghosts. He is not afraid of any ghosts.

He is not afraid of no ghosts. No, he isn't. He ain't afraid of no ghosts. I'm not afraid of any ghosts. There's an invisible man sleeping in your bed. Who are you going to call? What the bloomin' hell is he doing in there? How do you even know?

That is inappropriate. Ew. No, that invisible man is cancelled who be you intending to call uh yeah i don't pirate or a farmer might say it this is this is the episode that i think if you were going to ever use an episode to get yourself I think if you were going to ever use an episode to get yourself, to basically, it's a voice reel for you.

Yeah, yes, it is. I can play so many characters. I play, I think, a flap of leather at one point. Yeah. A spinning wheel. A spinning wheel. A flap of leather that's mistaken for a ghost of a spinning wheel. You play a Cornish pirate, a geordie sailor well okay it's it is award season so you know get get listening and nominate me for any of the available awards best voices and

noises best noises in a podcast medium abk so we're up to the top two we're down to the final two whoa the final two from the top 14 episodes okay i'll tee you up and you could say it's from the 18th of may series 4 episode 45 it's the croglin grange vampire the croglin grange vampire it's not even true this one no but it's a really just goes to show that people have people do not care maybe it's the more fake they are the better the storytelling is because you can yeah perhaps that's the problem yeah the more lines there are the more narratively satisfying the story he was obviously known in his time and i think basically it kind of looks like there was a game on to see how ridiculous a story you could get into one of augustus hare's books by telling it to him

oh right if that was a game it has been won by captain fisher row of thorncum in guilford oh go on formerly of course the fishers were of Croglin Grange in Cumberland. Croglin. Croglin, like a boglin. But a crog rather than a bog. Is that a posh toilet? Or a less posh toilet? Is it right to say crog or bog?

Cumberland, of course, is now Cumbria, which is annoying because Northumbria is now Northumberland. Come on. They've switched. That's just really irritating. That's not neat. Croglin Grange itself was a one-store Come on. They've switched. That's just really irritating. That's not neat. Croglin Grange itself was a... It was a one-storey house.

What a story. The end. Captain Fisher's family had left it because they were moving up in the world. They went off to Guildford or something. Fancy. And they let it to some tenants, two brothers and a sister.

It was a blazingly hot summer one year, the first year that they were living there. And the sister couldn't sleep. She hadn't even closed her shutters because it was so hot. And I'm going to read you the story in quite a lot of detail because it's pretty good. But feel free to jump in with gags

if you get the opportunity. Certainly. When they separated for the night, all retiring to their rooms on the ground floor, for as I said, there was no upstairs in that house. It's a bungalow. The sister felt that the heat was still so great that she could not sleep, and having fastened her window, she did not close the shutters. In that very quiet place, it was not necessary. And propped against the pillows, she still watched the wonderful, the marvellous beauty of that summer night. Gradually she became aware of two lights, two lights which flickered in and out of the belt

of trees which separated the lawn from the churchyard, and as her gaze became fixed upon them she saw them emerge, fixed in a dark substance, a definite ghastly something, which seemed every moment to become nearer increasing in size and substance as it approached every now and then it was lost for a moment in the long shadows which stretched across the lawn from the trees and then it emerged larger than ever and still coming on on as she watched it the most uncontrollable horror seized her she longed to get away but the door was close to the window and the door was locked on the inside. Oh. And while she was unlocking it, she must be for an instant nearer to it. She longed to scream, but her voice seemed paralyzed, her tongue glued to the roof of her

mouth. It comes closer and closer, James. A horrible thing with its nasty little face and its flaming eyes until she hears scratch, scratch, scratch upon the window. Scratch, scratch, scratch. I mean, it's a bit like that other story of Augustus Hare with the scratch, scratch, scratch. Yeah, with the scratch. He got into a scratch in. Yeah. He had a pet donkey as well. She felt a sort of mental comfort in the knowledge that the window

was securely fastened on the inside suddenly the scratching sound ceased and the kind of pecking sound took its place oh then in her agony she became aware that the creature was unpicking the lead of course it was the old days. So it's one of those leaded windows with little diamond-shaped pieces of glass. Yeah, it picks away the lead, and the tiny diamond-shaped pane of glass falls into the room. Blink! And then a long, bony finger of the creature came in and turned the handle of the window.

And the window opened, and the creature came in, and it came across the room, and her terror was so great that she could not scream. And it came up to the bed and it twisted its long bony fingers into her hair. And it dragged her head over the side of the bed and it bit her violently in the throat. I honestly thought she was going to get away. Yeah. First time I read it.

She really doesn't. Eventually, she does manage to scream. The boys hear the scream they come pounding in the door's locked they kick down the door the creature i assume it goes in some way shoots back out the window and disappears into the night right uh she's in a swoon completely passed out eventually she wakes up wakes up and I think this demonstrates Augustus' hair's gift for natural dialogue. She wakes up and immediately says

What has happened is most extraordinary and I am very much hurt. It seems inexplicable, but of course there is an explanation and we must wait for it. It will turn out that a lunatic has escaped from some asylum and found his way here. Fair enough. Fair enough. Doesn't sound like she's in shock. She sounds yeah um and so naturally they go to switzerland to get away from croglin

grange for a bit and allow her to recover she seems fine after a while she insists that they return to croglin grange just as a little aside the r and r in the past was way more flamboyant just going to switzerland yeah yeah like, if I feel a bit ill, it's like I might spend a day watching the telly under a duvet on the sofa. You wouldn't go to Switzerland and dry plants, make sketches and go up mountains, which is exactly what she did.

Unlikely. To recover from vampire attack. Although, to be fair, I've not been attacked by vampires, so I don't know how that would affect me. Well, like you, James, she was level-headed and brave and decided she had to return. We have taken it,

she said, for seven years and we have only been there one. And she goes on to say they'll have difficulty letting it because it's only one story high. So we'd better return. After all, she reasons,

lunatics do not escape every day. Uh-oh. I've got a feeling that might be portentous. Well, they return to the house. Did she say touch wood at the end? I think she turned to her other and she said, I definitely won't be attacked by a vampire again. Cool. Crossfade. It's March. She's getting ready for bed. Now, of course, she's not superstitious,

but she's cautious. She closes the shutters. But they're the kind of shutters that don't go all the way up to the top. Those peekaboo shutters. In the following March, the sister was suddenly awakened by a sound she remembered

only too well. Scratch, scratch, scratch upon the window and looking up she saw climbed up to the topmost pane of the window james it's it's the vampire again oh god i'm sorry to inform you it's the vampire again in it comes kapow but this, they're ready for it. The door isn't locked. The brothers have moved closer to rooms. So they're in there in time. They're sleeping, James, with a pistol under their pillow. So they come in USA style, you know? Yeah.

Kapow! Ting! Hold on, I've got to reload. One of the brothers fired and hit it in the leg. But still with the other leg, it continued to make way, scrambled over the wall into the churchyard, and seemed to disappear into a vault, which belonged to a family long extinct. The next day, the brothers summoned all the tenants of Croglin Grange, and in their presence, the vault was opened. A horrible scene revealed itself. The vault was full of coffins.

They had been broken open, and their contents, horribly mangled and distorted, were scattered all over the floor. One coffin alone remained intact. Of that the lid had been lifted, but still lay loose upon the coffin. They raised it, and there, brown, withered, shriveled, mummified, but quite entire was the same hideous figure which had looked in at the window of Croglin Grange with the marks of a recent pistol shot in the leg. And they did. The only thing that can lay a vampire. They burned it.

Oh, okay. It's not the only thing, as far as I know. Yeah, I know. I can think of at least three others. And she specifically didn't invite it in. It doesn't quite fit into the vampire mythos. But maybe that's what makes it more realistic. That's what makes it so definitely, definitely true.

And I will just add the little footnote that Charles G. Harper, of Haunted Houses fame, went there and it's clearly not true. Oh. There's not even a place called Croglin Grange. What? It's such a great name. There are, says. G. There's not even a place called Croglin Grange. What? It's such a great name. There are, says Charles G. Harper, Croglin High Hall and Low Hall,

both are farmhouses very like one another and not in any particulars resembling the description given. Oh. Croglin Low Hall is probably the house indicated, but it's at least a mile distant from the church, which has been rebuilt. The churchyard contains no tomb, which by any stretch of the imagination could be identified with that described by mr hair oh charles

chucky g chucky g you've ruined it for everyone you've ruined the vibe or is he in the pocket of big vampire of big big vampire yeah yeah i tell you what is that the sound of something being carefully hushed up and stifled guess we'll never know not even a house called it if there was a house it would be a mile away from the church yeah i think that charles g harper doth protest too much you know this place goes all the way to Charles G. Harper, James. So that's the story of Augustus Hare and the Croglin Grange Vampire. That's a great story. I love that.

Well, that was the Croglin Grange Vampire. What's number one, James? It's the question everyone is asking me. People are hounding me in the street. ABK, they cry, what will be the number one episode of 2023? 2023. And then a friend of theirs says the 2023. 2023.

In a little voice. Well, Alistair, it will be no surprise to learn that we peaked very soon in the year. This was from the 2nd of February. So it was like one of the first episodes we did and we never scaled these heights. Oh yeah, it was downhill from there. Absolutely downhill from there. Absolutely downhill from there. It was series

four, episode 31. That's when the slide began. This did feature a special guest. With Amy Gledhill. Yes, it is. The Wold Rangers with Amy Gledhill. Amy Gledhill. I think she deserves her own echo.

Yeah, I think she's earned an echo. Basically, we're talking Wet Wang, we're talking Lily Howe. We're in prime Gledhill country, and I would like to introduce you to a range of characters known

under the sublique The Wold Rangers. Wow! range of characters known under the sublique the wold rangers wow i've never heard of the wold rangers i've never heard of the wold rangers i told james i was going to do a podcast about the wold rangers and i think your mind went immediately in the direction of megazords yeah go go wold Yeah, go, go, World Rangers. No, New East Riding World Rangers. Heart. Acid. All the different, I don't know if they have the five elements of Yorkshire. Yeah.

Did you say acid? I said acid for some reason. I can't really remember Captain Planet. I don't think there's any. Whippets. Flat caps. Yeah. Stereotypes.

Yorkshire pudding. Puddings. Yeah. So from the mid-19th century, the Woldrangers were, well, it depends who you ask. According to Driffield's Council, and basically 20th century sources, they were like the nomads of Yorkshire's East Riding. Driffield Town Council describes the Woldrangers as a nomadic tribe of gentlefolk of yesteryear who trod the ancient green lanes and bridle paths of the spectacular Yorkshire wolds. So they're either kind of happy hobos,

kind of noble sons of the soil, or, if you read 19th century accounts, murderers. So there's sort of two different opinions about what they were. I think we're kind of in the area of the fraternity of vagabonds. Are they mutually exclusive, though? Being a murderer and being a happy hobo. Some murderers must be happy.

Ooh, I've never thought about a happy murderer before thanks for introducing my brain to that good for them it's crucial to say that these were these were real people and basically what happened was the industrial revolution to summarize quite a lot and there were fewer jobs in the countryside and And so there wasn't enough labor to go around on a farm. And so Yorkshire was full of people who basically went from farm to farm, doing work, sleeping in barns, without having a home, without having a full-time job. And this was characterized as sort of a quaint and fun thing that they really enjoyed. And I don't know how true that was. What do know though is that they had some incredible nicknames so basically just to save time i'm going to take my five points for names now

okay as i read you a list of their nicknames are you halfway there with the go-go world rangers yep so what i've done is the names are so good, I've included three names in this long list of names that are not real, that I have invented. Oh. So just to make it fun, I'm going to pit you against each other, James and Amy. Can you spot which you think are not actual names of real individual world rangers? Mm-hmm. Ready? Yeah.

Okay. Do we have to guess as we go along, or do we guess at the end? I think you can guess at the end, but feel free to chip in if you want to remember one. Okay. Mm-hmm. Snaffling Jock. Hmm. Mushroom Charlie.

Hmm. Slapface Ned. Methylated Annie. Mucky Lena. Come on. Some possible characters for you to play, Amy. What are you saying? I just think that's within

amy's within her range i think she could be a mucky luna tin whistle joe three-fingered jimmy famous for his short temper quinitin tarantino staffordshire bill soldier tomoggy Sam, Simon Pepperami, Stamp, Tom Fraud, Slenderman, Long Charlie, Spanish Prince, Mr. Soft, Ginger Joe, Horse Hair Jack, Mad Halifax, Dog Geordie, Kroom Mabel, and Ben Wilson. Who I assume had a nickname, but for some reason wasn't noted down. And so his name has been given. His real name was like, you know, like Hydrochloric Phil. So what do you think? Did any of those strike you?

Only three of them you made up. Only three of those I made up. The one that mentions Pepper Army has got to be made up. Okay. Yeah. All right. Pepper Army. to be fair the last of the world rangers died in the 90s so it is conceivable but they heard of indeed ate a pepper

army but oh yeah you were right simon pepper army was not a real nickname i made that up i'm i'm sad if it's right but is it quinn quinnitin tarantino all right quinnitin tarantino quinnitin Tarantino? That's correct. Quenitin Tarantino. Quenitin Tarantino. Yeah, no, that is... I added that one into the list. But there's about five that I pegged as absolutely made up. Now it's difficult. I'm pretty sure... I want to put half of my pot on Mr. Soft. But... Oh, Mr. Soft. Why do you want to put the other half of your pot

um i think i think methylated alice was she called methylated annie methylated out no that might be true because she might have been on the meths can i ask what was there was a jimmy in there what was jimmy's name three-fingered jimmy three three-fingered jimmy i think it could be that one because i think it's under the radar enough where if you were making one up and sleeping it under you wouldn't call it like big massive crazy Karen you'd be like three finger Jimmy maybe that's maybe it's too subtle and also maybe it was in tribute

to your fellow host James Shapeshift in which case I'm taking that half of my pot off Mr Soft sorry Mr Soft I'm going to put my full pot on Ginger Joe on Ginger Joe. On Ginger Joe?

Because he's from a viral video from about 10 years ago. Well, so is Slender Man, but you've ignored Slender Man completely. Oh, the Slender Man. Slender Man. I know. I think that one's, I think that is true because I think that would be too obvious to put in as a trick. Unlike Quentin Tarantino.

And Sam in Pepper Army. I think Amy thinks I'm a lot more cunning than I am. It's just going to be Ben Wilson and he couldn't be bothered. Yeah, he's just an IT guy, Ben Wilson. Um... Shall I tell you?

Yeah, go on. James, is that pot definitely off Mr. Soft? Off Mr. Soft, fully on Ginger Joe. Okay, well, it was Mr. Soft, obviously. That's a character from a mint advert. I couldn't have... Yeah, but Ginger Joe's a character from a viral video. Yeah, but... Your boy in the corner, Ginger Joe.

Tell him, man. Yeah, man. Yeah, man. Well, I've never seen that video. Ginger Joe, let me tell you... Is that got off the bus with my day saver, smoked a reefer in the carna laid low did a grand theft auto what mr soft how come everything around you is so strange he was a

very soft mint he was a soft ginger joe was a man with an air of authority piercing blue eyes a hawk-like nose and and a flaming ginger beard. Whoa. The Wold Rangers these days are a group of people who've set up trails you can take throughout the Yorkshire Wolds, and they've named them after different Wold Rangers. Wow. You can go on their website,

and they've done loads of research into the individuals, so you can see drawings by... Methylated Annie? I bet they're scary. They're frightening. They're done in biro and she's basically coloured a whole sheet of A4 paper in the spiderwebs.

Their research is based on Angela Antrim who interviewed loads of them and drew beautiful illustrations of them so you can see drawings of several of these characters from the 80s, the last surviving Wold Rangers. They must have been very hard. When King George V visited Driffields,

Ginger Joe refused to shift out of the way, sitting on his favourite spot in town. And so, according to their website, the hapless vicar was forced to conduct the service of commemoration as the King of the Wold's Green Lanes and the and queen of england stared each other out oh what a character oh i can't imagine this character sounds completely made up the the the look of him you've described and the the contempt he has for the crown i can't imagine i described exactly me james i don't know if you realize what you're saying but he looks exactly and sounds exactly like me air of authority piercing blue eyes i'm not always accompanied by a dog and a

chicken who i keep tied to my leg which ginger joe did one of his best friend the chicken worst enemy so that was number one james is that the end or have you got some honorable mentions for me sorry all of these were voted for by the law folk uh in the discord on the discord on the discord which you can join if you join us at patreon.com forward slash lawmen pod so what we did we asked people to say what their favorite episodes were and then people voted on that and that has given us this countdown and people did kind of list certain highlight bits from the episode in order to kind of you know remind other people why they liked them so much all that says about

series 4 episode 41 somerset fairy tales beef pagoda no no idea what that means just a great code name it does sound good even the phrase honorable mentions to me sounds like a euphemism for a judge's genitals. Wounded his honourable mentions. Don't mention his honourable mentionables. And I would like to thank all of the deputies that we've had over the year. And I would like to list them. I would like to list them. Have you got that list?

I've got the list here. Are you going to list them in full? I'm going to list them. Have you got that list? I've got the list here. Are you going to list them in full? I'm going to have a go. So I would like to thank Amy Gledhill, Jenny Collier, Nick Mason, King Charles. That wasn't a guest. That was an episode title. King Charles. Yeah, no, I don't think he came on in the end.

He had stuff on. Tom Mayhew. He was really busy. Yuriko Katana. Unexpectedly busy, to be honest. Beck Hill. Amy Jeffs. Miles Benson

and then of course our Christmas pigs Sunil Patel, Bethan Briggs Miller Mesa again, Danny Robbins and the Quantum Mechanics thank you ever so much deputies for your hard work over the year and thank you the listener for listening

to us it's all we ask and also we do also ask you to join the Patreon the listener for listening to us. It's all we ask. It is all we ask. And also, we do also ask you to join the Patreon. You don't have to, but come on. But you get bonus episodes.

And in fact, after the end bit, I'm going to play a little bit of a bonus episode from Beck Hill. She told a really, really good, scary story that happened to her. And it's lovely. It's just spooky.

So we'll pop it in after the end credits, which will be coming up right now. Is that now? These are them. These are those credits. Oh, it's happening. I've called them end credits, but they're not credits. It's not really credits, it's just a little bit of music.

Yeah, it's just some music. And we say, that was that. And join us on the Patreon.com forward slash LawmanPod. That was that. Join us on the Patreon. Yeah, that was that. Yeah, for things. So join us on the Patreon.

Should we do some new stories in the new year? Yeah, probably some. Yeah. Yeah, let's do it. All right then. We'll check out that bit of bonus stuff, everyone. See you later, Lawfolk. Bye.

Happy New Year. Still Happy New Year. then we'll check out that bit of bonus stuff everyone see you later law folk bye happy new year still happy new year so when i was writing um the most recent horror heights book i was uh filming i was in the middle of filming make way take away which which is a kid's show on CITV, rest in peace, the channel. Not the viewers. Not the viewers, no. Awful, what happened? Everyone is watching the show. We filmed some of the show in a big house in the middle of the country just outside of Manchester. side of manchester and uh someone needed to stay at the house for insurance purposes um so that if no one would come in and steal all the cameras and everything such a spooky setup

yeah this is a real definitely a big old country house in the middle of the country yeah and all the cast and crew well i was the cast but all the crew and everyone was staying in this hotel nearby. But it was like a 10 minute drive. And I realized that if I nominated myself to stay at the house, because I had like, the green room was one of the bedrooms. So it meant that I could stay there and then sleep into the latest time possible and get up and put my makeup straight on. I didn't have to get up like an hour before everyone else and do the makeup because it's kids tv so there's no makeup artist it was me and so i was like i insisted that i would be the person who looks after the house and the first year we we uh the

first series we filmed there and it was in it was uh like spring and it was beautiful and it was like a week and a half in this big house. And, you know, we'd have these lovely like dinner all together outside and everyone would go back to the hotel and I'd have this lovely house to myself. And I'd watch the sunset and in the morning I'd get up as the sun was rising over the lawn and I saw an actual deer at one point. It was beautiful. And so then the following year I insisted that i'd be that person again because i had such a nice experience the first time but we were filming during uh um sort of winter going into autumn and not winter but it's like that you know how there was no spring

this year it was like just yeah and so it was um it was a lot that, and it was dark and stormy, proper dark and stormy night, and everyone had gone back to the hotel, and I was staying in this room, and I was writing the book, and at about 9.30, there was a knock on the door, and that was really terrifying in itself just because I was like, I mean, we're in the in the middle it's not a neighbor it's not like someone who's just it's not going to be a post worker or something yeah you're a millennial people don't just pop around and knock on our doors no no text or something first i um

was a bit worried about that sort of then ended up eventually coming out the room there was like a mezzanine level and I couldn't see anything I couldn't see like out the window to see if there was anyone there or whatever but there was another knock when I was standing there and so I went down and there was two lots of doors because you got that little mudroom area

where it's like people take off their shoes so I opened the first front door and then sort of tentatively opened the first front door and then sort of tentatively open the second front door and uh and it was a sound guy and the sound guy was like oh sorry i didn't have your number i realized that i left my thing uncharged if i don't charge it now won't work tomorrow i had to come back and charge it so i was like okay phew and also i've been dead for 10 years heart rate returned what's that also i've been dead for 10 years but anyway yeah yeah yeah and he's been dead for 10 years yeah all the best sound guys oh yeah no worries mate i'll leave you to it uh i went back

upstairs and so i was writing i could hear him go i'll see you later and i was like all right bye mate and it cut to about 11 o'clock at night and I'm still writing. And suddenly I hear the front door bang and then like footsteps walking around. So I start yelling like, hello, and I thought maybe it's the sound guys, come back. And then it stops. And so I just sort of sit there for a little bit trying to work out if that was what I heard or if it was something outside or something. And then just as I was like, maybe I just heard something, I could hear the footsteps again. And so I ended up going out to the mezzanine, looking down into the entrance part of the house. And I couldn't see anyone and i stood

there waiting for ages nothing happened but i was still a bit freaked out about it and uh one thing that made me nervous is you know filming um when there's when you're filming somewhere they will have those little neon arrow signs that they'll stick on telegraph poles and stuff that say like Unit B or something like that. And it's a little arrow. And those things are so that the camera people and crew and all stuff know how to get there. And because we were filming with different people each day, so they knew how to get off the main motorway to get this house and then something occurred to me that any savvy thieves might recognize that what those arrows mean and follow them and be like oh look this big old house with no cars parked out the front let's rob it or something and so i was like oh crap i'm not built for this so i called the um producer and uh told him and he was like, oh,

if there's someone in there, call the police. And I was like, well, I don't, I don't know. I don't know if there is anyone here. I'm just a bit weirded out. And he was like, I can come round. I'll be there in about 10 minutes. I don't want to go. You would have had to call a cab.

And I was like, ah, and he was a new producer. I hadn't worked with him before. So I didn't want to be like, just, you know, I didn't want my first impression to be like, ah, and he was a new producer. I hadn't worked with him before, so I didn't want to be like just, you know, I didn't want my first impression to be like, oh, the woman working on this show is scared of, you know, the wind or whatever. And so in the end, I convinced him that we should just do a video call and I'll look around the house with him on the video and we'll make sure. So I did a whole tour of the house. I went down, I went into all the rooms, turn on the video and we'll make sure. So I did a whole tour of the house.

I went down, I went into all the rooms, turn on the light, turn off the light. Now, if an old big house in the middle of the country on a dark stormy night isn't scary enough, add to that the set of an abandoned children's TV show, like just a room full of kids' show paraphernalia and a bunch of cameras pointing at you when you walk in the room it's just quite creepy and so but i went through i couldn't find anything checked all the rooms kitchen laundry and then as i was coming back out i realized that i hadn't sort of checked

the door and as i went to check it i realized that uh when i opened the first door to the mudroom, the second door was blowing in the wind. And what had happened is the sound guy hadn't shut up properly. And so it had been banging back and forth. And obviously the wind had been making the floorboards creak and all this stuff. And I've misheard it as footsteps. I was like, okay, that's fine. I know what it is. So I shut the door and locked it, shut the second door and locked it. And so I said, no, it's fine.

I know what it is. It's all good. And then the producer sort of laughingly said, well, you realize if someone is in there, you've just locked them in there with you because you can't leave without the key. And you've just locked them in there with you because you can't leave without the key. And so I put the key on the counter next to the door and I was like, well, if anyone's in here, you can let yourself out. Like, I'll leave you alone now.

And I sort of went up to the room and I was like, yeah, it's fine. It's fine. Went off the phone call. So I start getting ready for bed anyway. I'm clearly just tired. You know, I'm just getting to that stage now. I was in the middle of writing about a ghost. Like, clearly, it's very suggestible.

And then I remembered that I'd not turned off the light in the laundry. And I'm an environmentalist. So I was like, I'll go down. And as I went down to turn off the light in the laundry, I called my mate Steph to recount everything that happened to her because I was still quite full of adrenaline by this stage. And as I was coming back from the laundry, I was walking through the kitchen and the kitchen door was on one side of the main entrance and on the other side of the main entrance was a sitting room. room and as I came through the door I I saw what I can only describe as um the end of someone's shoe quickly taking a step back away from the door the doorway of the sitting room opposite me so as if someone was about to walk out and then realized I was coming around the corner and

quickly stood back um to hide themselves in the corner and quickly stood back to hide themselves in the room. And I sort of screamed and said to my friend, someone's here. And she was like, well, and I said, someone's here. And I just immediately hung up on her so I could call the police. Oh, God. And, oh, no, sorry. The first time it happened, I said, someone's here.

And she said, what? And I said, I just saw someone step away from the door and she was like are you okay and then i stood there for a while staring at the door thinking maybe i just saw a shadow or like maybe it's again just my mind playing tricks on me and uh and as i was sort of telling myself everything was all right because i couldn't hear anything um i just saw just the the tip of a shoe start to step out and then then retract again retreat again and i um and at that point that's when i sort of hung up on her went to call the police and as i was dialing 999 uh the the shoe came out again and then stood still long enough for me to realize that it wasn't the tip of a brown shoe, but a mouse.

It was just a mouse. And of course it was a mouse because it's a house in the country. And of course, of course, it's a mouse. Why would it be the tip of a brown leather shoe? It was that moment that I realized that if that mouse hadn't have come back out, then like what my brain had done was, because those are just two separate incidents. I saw a mouse and then there was like a door hadn't been shut properly,

two separate incidents. But my brain couldn't not try and form a pattern by putting those two things together. And because it had originally decided that there was someone walking through the house, even though I dispelled that, even though I'd found the cause of it, it still had this mental image of a human walking around in the house. So as soon as it saw something that confirmed that mental image of a person rather than logically going oh that's a mouse clearly you just saw a mouse running across the floor because it's the country it just it just went oh well clearly that's the end of a shoe because there's someone walking around the house and if the mouse hadn't have come out to this day i'd be going i don't

know what i saw but there was something there because eventually i would have gone to check the room and there would have been no one in there and i would have been like i swear i saw someone stepping back away from the door shoe ghost it was a mouse wearing giant shoes yeah that's how it's clomping around the house. Well, I declare. But it was so interesting because I'm quite, I'm a skeptical person, but it really made me fully understand why some people like swear blind that they see things or heard things or whatever, because my brain could not, it just couldn't think, oh, it's such a dumb thing is like a it's two separate

tiny trivial things like it just kept trying to marry those things and creating a thought that wasn't that didn't exist and so I have a lot of empathy for people who are swear blind that they see stuff because I get it when your brain can't comprehend something for a second, it reaches for some pretty weird explanations.