Loremen Podcast - S5 Ep3: Loremen S5Ep3 - The Legend of Edric the Wild

Episode Date: October 5, 2023

The Loreboys are back to doing what they do best - making mistakes via a podcast medium. Fortunately, James's snafu this week is quickly corrected. Listen, as he tells a thrilling tale, racked by self-doubt and undermining himself at every turn. Edric the Wild's adventure begins with the Norman invasion, and takes us from flooded Roman garrisons to burnt Shrewsburys (not a euphemism). Be sure to listen before your next trip to the town of Battle, near Hastings. Hint: it's not in Kent. And join... us... at the Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival - 31st October https://www.designmynight.com/london/pubs/balham/the-bedford/cheerful-earful-podcast-festival-day-1 LoreBoys nether say die! Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 @loremenpod youtube.com/loremenpodcast www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alastair Beckett-King. And if I sound a little bit different, that's because I'm James Shakespeare. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And if I sound a little bit different, that's because I'm recording on location in Scotland, researching future episodes. So please try to ignore the sound of bagpipes and lawn sausages, etc. Now I hear you've got a story for me, James. I'm glad you're not here, actually, because it's's very embarrassing episode I make a lot of mistakes very early on yes we do correct them strap in law folk it's the legend of wild edrick

hello Alistair hi James how are you doing I'm very well thank you good evening to you good evening to you too and evening to you, too. And good evening to the listener. Oh, yeah, and a good evening or... I can't believe we've never wished the listener a good evening or morning. Don't get me temporally started. Okay, let's move on. Are you ready for a classic Shake Shaft cinematic opening?

Oh, no. Yeah, yes. Yes, I am. opening. Oh, no. Yeah, yes. Yes, I am. Good. Oh, no. I don't know what to do. Okay. All right, just let me get my popcorn,

my oversized drink of soda, as our American cousins call it. Oh, yeah. And just let me unstick my feet from this carpet. There we go. Okay, I'm ready. Right. It's mid-October.

We're in Kent. A load of foreigners have come over and started a right old ding-dong. Sorry, am I watching GB News? I thought I was in the cinema. It's shot very cinematically. This is probably a drone shot at the minute. Anyone can do drone shots these days. Stop being impressed by drones, James. They're not that expensive to hire. They are if you get a proper licence. It's not even a drone. It's a Polaroid camera taped to a

pigeon. Yes, Alistair. It's 10.66. Don't you give yourself a clean edit to get away from my rambling. Sorry, it's 10.66. Yes. Which is clearly not an hour. It't be it couldn't be yeah it'd be six minutes past 11 don't get me temporally confused james i'm trying to desperately cling on to the time strands myself but we are in 10 66 we're in a field in kent it's a little bit frosty. It's mid-October and the dead and dying lay all around us.

It's very dramatic. It is, isn't it? Hold on a minute, James. Yeah? I can think of a very famous battle that happened in 1066. In Kent? No, not in Kent. In Sussex. What was that?

The Battle of Hastings. But the Battle of Hastings happened in the town of Battle, which is in Kent. How is the Battle of Hastings? First of all, not in Hastings. Do you think they got confused and went to Battle because they knew there was going to be a battle and then it just kicked off? Yeah, were you either going to go to Hastings or to Battle? It's the Hastings in Battle, which sounds a lot less dangerous than the battle in Hastings. Is battle in Kent?

I didn't realise. I'm going to double, triple check. Oh no. Battle's in Sussex. I would have thought it was because Hastings is in Sussex and battle is right next to it. I've spent my whole life thinking this was in Kent. My life is a lie. I hope this doesn't affect the film, James.

You haven't already had the posters done, have you? Oh, yeah. It said, just when you thought it was safe to go back into Kent. You Kent believe it. In Kent, no one can hear you scream. So many great Kent-based slogans that you can't use. We'll have to change it to Sussex. Right, right.

Scrap all that. Sussex. We're starting again. Can I go and get some new popcorn? Because when you said Kent, it went everywhere. Right, so Sussex. Where's Dover? Wait a minute.

Dover's in Kent, right? I'll be honest. I don't know for certain where Dover is. I know it's on the coast. Oh, man. This doesn't bode well. I mean, this is off to a terrible start. One of the worst openings I've seen to a film. Yes. I've never seen a film where the title appears and it says what location they're in, and then a minute later corrects that

to a different county. 1066 Kent. No, Sussex. Let's not get bogged down. So yeah, blah, blah, blah, all that again. But whenever I said Kent, think Sussex. Okay, okay get bogged down. So, yeah, blah, blah, blah, all that again. But whenever I said Kent, think Sussex. Okay, okay. Sort of takes the edge off the foreigners coming over in here. But anyway. Yeah, because nobody in Sussex could be a bigot. We're there, wherever that is.

Wherever it is, we're there. The dead and dying lie all around. And probably extra tired because they just came here from Kent. Yeah, they've been shipped over from Kent. They're stripped and dying light all around. And probably extra tired because they just came here from Kent. Yeah, they've been shipped over from Kent. They're stripped and mutilated corpses are all over these fields of Sussex. And picking her way through it is a quite upset woman. Oh, no. And with good reason.

A little title card comes up and i have checked this her name is edith swan neck edith swan neck yes edith swan neck james have you ever seen a film where a character's name pops up as a title because i i cannot think of one where unless she's about to go on a heist edith swan neck safe cracker I've never seen that happen in a film. No, she's looking for the body of King Harold, who's just been defeated at the Battle of Hastings, in battle near Hastings. Do you think the Battle of Hastings is famous enough

that we don't need to bring people up to speed? We've all read the tapestry. Which is not even a tapestry. It's not even a tapestry? What is it then? It's an embroidery. We don't want the podcast to just become us remembering things we've heard on QI, so let's carry on. But I'm pretty certain it's not a tapestry.

Oh, dear. My credit sequence is going to have to be redone as well. So 1066, Battle of Hastings, King Harold v. Billy the Conk, William the Conqueror. Billy Conks. Billy Conks. Billy Conks wins spoilers and edith swan neck loved the now dead king harold and she's looking for his body i need to cite my sources this is english folk heroes by christ in a hole is christina hole yes and i would like

to point out that the um erroneous facts are my own not hers one of the stories by the way of king harold's burial is that his body was handed over to billy the conch's right hand man william mallett yeah ancestor of timmy yeah up until the 1980s that must have been quite a strong edgy name william Mallet. It's like Jimmy Hammer. Yes. With the rise of MC Hammer, that's taken some of the credibility away from that name. Yeah, Billy Mallet.

So Timmy Mallet, do we need to explain Timmy Mallet for the younger and more American listeners? Can we explain who Timmy Mallet is? Timmy Mallet was a children's presenter. Lived upstairs from my dad at university. No way. Apparently, yeah. According to my dad.

Don't know if it's true. He lived upstairs from my dad and he wore clogs a lot, which was very annoying. Is that a euphemism? Or something? Yeah, where's clogs? No, I don't know if it's true, but I know that my dad told me it was true.

Your dad believes it to be true, or at least tells you. I, as a child, believe it to be true. So at the height of Timmy Mallet's Saturday morning fame, your dad was grumbling about the fact that he used to live upstairs... Flipping clogs. ...with his blooming clogs. Yeah, take your clogs off indoors, Mallet. That's what he'd be muttering about.

Yeah, blooming clogs. Even to me as a child off indoors, Mallet. That's what he'd be muttering about. Yeah, blimmin' clogs. Even to me as a child, I could tell that Timmy Mallet was quite annoying. He's sort of a deliberately wacky persona, brightly coloured shirts, funny glasses, and... His TV show was called Wacker Day. Yeah, and he had large sort of plush mallets, and he would bop people on the head with them. They were soft toys.

He was not a murderer. Absolutely not. He used to play Mallet's Mallet, which was a word association game where you mustn't pause, hesitate, repeat a word, or say a word that Timmy Mallet didn't like. Otherwise, you would get a bash on the head. He is a capricious god, Timmy Mallet.

He was quick to anger. He was. I'm terrible at word association games. I just think of the word the person just said. I find it really hard to think of any other word. You're good at listening games. You're good at, like, Granny Went to Market. Which one's that?

Oh, is that where you have to remember all of the vegetables? Yes, that's the game where you have to remember all the vegetables. That's what I call that. I call it the game where you have to remember all the vegetables. That's what I call that. I call it the game where you have to remember all the vegetables. So you're not that great at remembering things people have said. So anyway, that was the opening to my film. Billy Mallet apparently buried King Harold's body on the beach in an unmarked grave. On the beach?

Yeah, it seems very disrespectful. It's a terrible, it's going to be washed up. Too sandy, it's too sandy. You better not mark it because the marker would wash away so we're now just after william the conqueror's conquered but not everybody's conquered post-conquest there's still pockets of resistance and there's two reasonably famous historical slash folkloric characters from that time one is herald the wake we're not going to talk about him today we might come to him another slash folkloric characters from that time. One is Herowood the Wake. We're not going to talk about him today. We might come to him in another episode.

And the other is Edric the Wild. Ooh! A.K.A. Edric Child. A.K.A. Wild Edric. A.K.A. Edric the Forester. The original Wild Child and Forester. Wow. He encapsulates the three stages of man.

Child, wild, forester. I wonder what Edric we're going to see today. Yeah. Welcome to the forest. Things are about to get wild. Or childish. Or childish, yeah. He resisted William the Conqueror.

He fought battles. He unsuccessfully attacked a number of castles in the Shropshire and surrounding areas. He successfully burnt down Shrewsbury. What? The whole of it? 1069, yeah. All of it. The whole lot of it. His scorecard is looking terrible.

How are you doing resisting these invaders? Well, several unsuccessful castle attacks. But I did burn down Shrewsbury, a place where we live. Are you going with Shrews rather than Shrows, by the way? Oh, yeah. Some people say Shrewsbury. I think it is Shrews. Yeah, I believe that's accurate.

Well, I'm happy to take your word for it, because you've demonstrated such a firm knowledge of English geography in this episode. Yeah, it'll probably turn out to have been Chester. I'm pretty certain that's where Cadfile is set, somewhere in that area. Oh, yeah. I'm a big fan of Cadfile. Well, apparently, Herowood the Wake is more famous than Edric. To be honest, both of them nowadays, not that famous.

That's why they're on this podcast. The Lawmen Podcast. Congratulations, guys. You're irrelevant. With apologies to Timmy Mallard. Soz, Tim. Don't hit me with your hammer. Even though he was a resistor to Billy the Conk,

stories about him are still told that paint him in not the best light. And it's in part because, as Christ in the hole, as Christina Hull says, he had the misfortune to be the nephew of Edric Streona, Elderman of Mercia, that extraordinary traitor of whom William of Malmesbury says, This fellow was the refuse of mankind, the reproach of the English, an abandoned glutton, a cunning miscreant who had become opulent, not by nobility, but by specious language and impudence. I'd love to become wealthy through impudence.

This artful dissembler, capable of feigning anything, was accustomed by pretended fidelity to send out the king's designs that he might treacherously divulge them. Wow, not a good review. Reads like a one. Christen Holt, Christine Holt, describes him as Ethelred's evil genius. He's your Iago to the other guy. Jafar.

That Ethelred is Ethelred the Unready. Oh, I assumed so. What other Ethelred? Yeah, what other Ethelreds have we heard? Iready. Oh, I assumed so. What other Ethelred? Yeah, what other Ethelreds have we heard? I mean, I'm sure there's dozens of others, but he is the main Ethelred. Ethelred the Unready is a pun. Is it?

So unready in this usage means ill-advised. Oh, like unprepared, unbriefed. And Ethelred means well-advised. So his nickname was well advised the poorly advised hello that's that is an absurd name and yeah it was extremely hilarious and it was like if your name was james shakeshaft he's terrible at shaking shafts yes so this guy edrick's uncle was the advisor to ethelred he's the guy he's the guy that the pun is referring to. Unky Edric is the Grand Vizier character.

Yes. Giving him bad advice. Pouring poison in his ears. Yes. Like Iago in Aladdin. I think it's Claudius in Hamlet. Yes, the Lion King. Edmund Ironside was also betrayed by him and Canute.

Not Canute. Yeah. the lion king edmund ironside was also betrayed by him and canute not canute yeah in canute finally killed or ordered the killing of edrick very justly as the anglo-saxon chronicle records which i've said it before and i'll say it again sounds like a newspaper i love that name read all about it i want something more saucy, like the Anglo-Saxon Enquirer. Oh, yes. Where it's like a three-headed pig born and is sexy. Question mark? If you put a question mark on it, it's not illegal to lie.

So that's why World Edric was a little mistrusted. Yeah, because he's his nephew of the worst Edric I've ever heard of. Although, as I've said before and I'll say it again, in 1069 he besieged and burnt Shrewsbury with help of the men from Chester. The Chestermen. Yes. Chestermen, assemble!

And they just, like, open a drawer and they all pop out. I'm imagining them as some kind of furniture, yeah. Their sort of big villain would be the Ottoman. Oh, yeah, and you can store more in an ottoman sorry please carry on he attacked herefordshire whoa the county he ravaged the county as far as the river lug and seriously threatened the norman garrison in hereford itself he was uncaptured and managed to escape williams advancing armies and in 1070, he seems to have realised that resistance was hopeless.

At some time between June and August, July, he submitted to the conqueror and it seems that he started working for William. In 1072... Hmm, like uncle, like nephew. Maybe. Well, that's what people were kind of saying. In 1072, he took part in the king's

expedition to scotland and then what happens after him is uncertain and that is in part why a legend that was still current in the late 19th century said that he was unable to die and was condemned to live on indefinitely because he'd given up the fight and to wander the earth oh that like the unfortunately named Legend of the Wandering Jew? Yes. Unfortunate is a little bit generous. The anti-Semitic Legend of the Wandering Jew would be a more accurate way of describing it. I don't know exactly that.

It's a medieval legend about an immortal character, sort of Count de Saint-Germain precursor. And it was a punishment kind of thing. Famously someone who yes, someone who scorned Christ while he was bearing the cross and you know how folklore Jesus is way more about vengeance than canonical

Jesus. He was like, never die. Everlasting life for you to reflect on what you've done. So other traditions are that he haunts the lead mines of Shropshire with his wife and all of his followers, and the miners refer to them as the old men. Love that. I love that. It's rare that a ghost brings his wife to work.

Yeah. Well, you'll see in a minute, actually. And they declared that the sound of the underground knocking was the sign of a good load. So he was one of the, you know see in a minute, actually. And they declared that the sound of the underground knocking was the sign of a good load. So he was one of the, you know, like a knocker. Yes, there's lots of knockers around in mines. What part of the world is this? This is Shropshire.

Oh, so quite far away from Cornwall, where I think we last encountered knockers. Yes. Wasn't it Redcap up your... Bluecap was the... Blue cap, that was it. Blue cap, I think, was the one in the mine. Yes, that was it. Sorry, red cap was red because it was dipped in blood. Never trust someone in a red cap. Never trust someone whose clothes are dipped in blood. Yeah, that's...

And legend says that whenever England was threatened by a serious war, he would ride out always in the direction of the enemy country. So mostly south. That's very impressive if you forget that this is an island and most of our enemies are likely to be broadly in the same direction. Broadly southeast. Greenland is invading. Let's ride northwest-ish.

And in 1853, I'm sorry, in 1853 or 1854, before the outbreak of the Crimean War, a Rorington miner and his daughter saw a band of horsemen sweep by at Minsterley with Wild Edric and Lady Godda at their head. So he took his wife again. Glad it was a miner rather than a mimer because it's quite a difficult story to get across. We probably wouldn't have heard about it. And the father warned the daughter to cover her face and not utter a sound until they'd all gone past otherwise she would go mad.

Are we sure he wasn't a mime? Because that does sound like the kind of advice a mime would give. Put this hanky over your face and listen. And he'd got a couple of coconuts out again. Oh, there, here they go. He quickly put his daughter into an invisible box to protect her. I'd have caught up with them if it wasn't for this wind.

Look, we do the same jokes every time mimes come up. But write in and tell us when you got sick of that. same jokes every time mimes come up but um yeah write in and tell us when you've got sick of that so it's sort of confusing his legend with the legend of the wild hunt probably probably a naming thing but the girl by the way didn't heed her father's advice um and she said that edrick had dark curly hair and black eyes and a short green coat and cloak, a green cap with a white feather in it and a short sword hanging from a golden belt. And that was Wild Edric's last recorded appearance. The preponderance of green is suggestive of fairies. And your boy Robin Hood.

Oh, Robbie Hoods. Bobby Hoods. Another feature of these resistors was that they would live in the woods and they would camp and they would say that like being in a house made you soft. I've been camping with people like that. Yeah, I've spent a lot of time in houses and I am extremely soft. If proof be need be, here I am. I've been camping a couple of times and it's made me upset. Yeah, I've been camping with you. Two tall, flimsy men in a tent of times and it's made me upset yeah i've been camping with you two two tall flimsy men in a tent disaster dangerous yeah and christian hull uh points out that no one seems to have seen him in 1914 or 1939 so perhaps his punishment is ended oh yeah because they were

quite big wars weren't they those ones famously they were very big if we're still in a movie that's the kind of thing you would put in a film. Are we still doing the movie thing? I don't know, I feel... We lost enthusiasm for that. Yeah. So, Bowmere Pool near Shrewsbury. I'm going to tell you some legends about that.

And don't worry, it does tie into Edric. It did better. This is not going to be another wasted drone shot. Okay, because that pigeon's getting tired. Yeah. It doesn't look like a healthy bird. Okay, because that pigeon's getting tired. Yeah. It doesn't look like a healthy bird. But it's got such a good eye. Oh, it's movie magic.

So in Bowmere in Shropshire, there's a lake. It's a few miles south of Shrewsbury, and it is the setting of several legends. I've switched over now to a friend of the show, Laura of the Land, Westward and Simpson. And it is said that this pool contains a sunken city. A whole ancient city lies beneath it, which was drowned in a single night's flooding because the either Saxon or Roman inhabitants refused to accept Christianity and mocked the priest who tried to convert them. Wow, how big a pond is it? Well, it's said that it is unfathomably deep,

perhaps even bottomless. And unfathomably deep, I think, is a pun. Is that a pun? Because fathoms... Well, I suppose it's just, it could not be fathomed. Fathom, yeah. Like they can't tell how deep it is. Fathoming is how you measure depth.

So I don't think it's a pun. It just means it's too deep to fathom. It's just an accurate use of the word. Okay, I accept that it might be bottomless. Footnote, it isn't. But I accept that it might be. But how wide is it? What's its circumference?

Oh, Alistair, I didn't even know what county Hastings was in. Do you think I know the diameter of a lake? Whenever I mention a lake on the podcast, I know its exact circumference. You just never ask. The full dimensions. I know everything diameter of a lake. Whenever I mention a lake on a podcast, I know its exact circumference. You just never ask. The full dimensions. I know everything about it. Okay, give me two secs then.

I'm going to go to YouTube and Google it. Frankly, if you tell me its circumference, I won't be able to visualise that. Could you tell me its width? I don't know why I asked for circumference. Could you tell me its radius, James? I could tell you how far it is from Shrewsbury. That's not useful information. I want to know whether it's wide enough to fit a city in there.

I could tell you it is a site of special scientific interest as the most oligotropic, nutrient-poor body of water in Shropshire. The most oligotropic? It features in several of the medieval detective novels about Brother Cadfile. Does it? I'm back on board, James.

I'm really glad you brought up this pond. Here he comes. Here he comes. Yeah. This is me wearing a dressing gown, shaving a patch on my head. Wow. In 1986, a woman out for a walk

discovered the bones of a woolly mammoth and three juvenile mammoths in a moss and gravel bog sinkhole nearby. What a morning. I think I would have stopped at one woolly mammoth. Yeah. If I was on a walk and I spotted a woolly mammoth, I think I'd be like,

ooh, that's probably enough for me today. I wouldn't have gone, I wonder if there are more. I'll go home and I've found three more mammoths. Wow! There was a substantial Roman army camp there, and civilian settlement. Shropshire's oldest ghost haunts it. It's a Roman soldier who rose out to

find his lover who was lost in a sudden flood. And that happens on Easter. Is that the same flood, do you think? Well, maybe, yeah. But this is all me padding for time because I cannot find... How wide is the lake? It's a simple question, James. If this was Newsnight, you'd be floundering. Okay. It's got a surface area of 25 acres. U Newsnight, you'd be floundering. Okay. It's got a surface area of 25 acres. Useless to me. I don't know.

I can't visualise it. It's got an average depth of 6 metres. 6.1 metres. Not quite bottomless there. And a maximum depth of 15.2, which is certainly not bottomless. I would call it a bottomed lake. Well bottomed, frankly. Well, the reason they thought it was bottomless

is because they tried to measure it by letting down ropes with weights tied to the end and no bottom could be felt. Other people tried to drain it. Did they try to plumb the depths, James? Yes, they did, actually. But they found it... Plumb from the Latin plumbum.

It's a mean lead bum. Lead and bum, yeah. You would get a person with the heaviest bum and attach them to a rope. I don't think that's worthy of an etymology corner. I'm sure everybody knows where plumb the depths comes from. The lake is pretty spooky. It said you can hear the sound of the church bell ringing

on certain nights. When we did the Yorkshire Atlantis, there was a church bell that rang. Yeah. And you can hear the sounds of children screaming as it is flooded. Oh. Yeah. Pretty nasty. Pretty nasty.

And it's guarded by a big fish. How big? I don't know why I'm asking. Very. I haven't got the exact stats, but it's big enough. I can't believe you've done this to me again. It's said that Wild Edric is cursed to wander this sunken town as a sort of underwater spectre,

but there's also a big fish in that lake, and that big fish can't be caught by a net, and that is because... A net isn't trying very hard. That big fish...'t be caught by a net and that is because that isn't trying very hard that big sounds like a name you see james it does it does i heard that and i thought i'll make a little joke i liked it little bit of wordplay well the real reason is not because annette is lazy it is a physical net right but the fish has got a belt. In that belt is Edric's sword. Hold on, it's a fish with a belt? A fish with a belt and a sword in it.

A fish with a belt? Yes. Okay, I'm back on board. No trousers, no skirt, just a belt with a sword in it. This film is really close to jumping the shark. It seems, I was like, okay, wards and a few ghosts, and now we've got a fish wearing a belt. With a sword in it.

Like a wet Batman. And that sword is supposed to have belonged to Edric. How could a fish even draw a sword from a belt? I don't know. I don't know. I think it's just a fashion thing. But I suppose it spins in a circle and the sword cuts through the net. Exactly.

Tradition says that nearby condover hall once belonged to edrick and he was defrauded of it only when one of his descendants get it back will the fish give up the sword so that makes a lot of sense yeah yeah that seems reasonable i mean there's a few more things about wild edrick but that that's a that's a pretty good starting point to um to end the episode a good starting point to end an episode i see it's good starting point to end the episode. A good starting point to end an episode. It's a great starting point to end the episode. I see what you're doing here is you're trying to get a sequel. I had a two-parter episode and you're envious.

You're like, oh, can I have a two-parter episode, please? No. As with all great films filmed in Kent, standing in for Sussex, you've got to leave it open for the franchise. Yeah, you're setting up a sequel, yeah. Yeah. All good films do that, don't they, James? All of the best films. It's the marker of the best kind of film.

I bet Orson Welles was like, we all want to see the story of Rosebud, right? We want to see what Rosebud's been up to all this time. He was setting up the prequel. Yeah. So, with that in mind, are you ready to score? Yes, I'd be very happy to score. Excellent.

Okay, first up, names. Pretty good. I like Edric the Wild. And he had about five names himself. Edric the Wild. Wild Edric. Edric the Child. Edric the Forester.

I don't remember him being a child in the story. I think people seem to think it was something to do with his rank. But even then, he seems to have been leading people to burn down these Shrewsbury's. If a child told me to burn down Shrewsbury, I wouldn't do it. I'd say, does your mum know that you want to do that? Yeah, I would say, I'm an adult. You can't boss me around. I wouldn't try and help the child.

I would be instantly suspicious. I'd say, no, ask James, because he's more sympathetic. Other names include Edith Swanneck. Great name, great name. I hope it wasn't as long as a swan. It would have made it easier for her to scout around the bodies, though. It would. It would have given her a sort of

periscopic view the river lug wonderful lug cameo edrick usually if you tried to palm me off with like two guys with the same name i would mark you down for it but they're called edrick good solid name a real gold belt with a sword kind of a name some spellings have that ae linked together at the start adric adric which makes me do an et impression evidently adric we had ethel read the unready and an explanation of their name yeah well yeah the name is a bit familiar not classical or men fair but the explanation of the name was new to me so good edmund ironsides yeah king canute king canute friend of the show king canute and let me stop you there james billy mallet william mallet oh sorry let me not stop you there allow you to continue and of course william mallet billy mallet

i look i know this is a still pretty new series and uh i don't want to set a precedent but it's five out of five yes i don't want to set a precedent but it's five out of five yes i don't want to start too high but it's five out of five i've got no choice my hands are tied you say mallet i say five like mallet's mallet it's the first thing that comes into my head which is better than a mallet coming into your head which was the the rule of the game way better than being bopped on the head with a soft mallet yeah we have to point out it was a glorified cushion. Yeah, it had a face on it. Oh yeah, oh yeah.

It was an anthropomorphic cushion. Oh yeah, of course, listener. It was an anthropomorphic mallet. And I think it had its own little version of itself. A smaller, second smaller mallet, yep. And there was a cockatoo involved for some reason. We don't have time to really explore the mallet cinematic universe.

No. Or MCU, as I believe they call it. I think that's what they're talking about. Yeah, I think so. So, second category, supernatural. Well, we've got a haunted lake of indeterminate width. Which is haunted by a Roman in a boat, the sound of bells, the sound of children screaming.

Yes, and Edric himself. And Edric knocking around. And an uncatchable immortal fish with clothes on, or at least accessories. An accessorised big fish. Come on, what more do you want? That's pretty excellent. It did make an appearance quite late in the story. It was starting to sound like legitimate history for a while.

I think it's a three three because it was not replete with ghosts and spookiness the the spooky the examples of spookiness were all very good but like you know was it was it wasn't a real swan's neck so i feel like i was missold a swan neck that hall by the way condover hall it's got nothing to do with Edric in historical terms. He wasn't born there. He had no claim to it. Oh, the one that he supposedly lived in,

he didn't live there. Yeah. So the fish is really confused. But local tradition asserts that some 60 years ago, his angry ghost is said to have appeared at the hall and repeated his curse in all its details to the horrified owner and his guests.

How many years ago? 60 years, presumably 60 years before this book, which is very old. First published in 1948. Okay, so in the late 19th century, he turned up to a house he'd never lived in. Yeah, and just started kicking off. And got really angry at the people who lived there.

Yeah. Look, I've kicking off. And got really angry at the people who lived there. Yeah. Look, I've rented in some dodgy places, and that sort of thing does happen. People will turn up very angry about a situation you didn't create. This has nothing to do with me. It's like, I'm telling you, you've got to take it up with the landlord. We're just students. And I know you're angry, and you needed to get that out.

To some extent, you just want to shout and that's okay, but we can't help you. So, okay, that was an undeserved three. I think you're marking me down. Do you want me to knock it up to four

because of an angry, confused ghost who's at the wrong address? Yes. All right, it's four then. It's four. Thank you. Make a mockery of the scores

if you're allowed to just ask for more. It's four. Thank you. Make a mockery of the scores if you're allowed to just ask for more. It's four. Okay. A five and a four. Third cat. I've got hardly any numbers left. Franchise potential. Okay.

So you planned this. Can I hear you rubbing your hands together? Yeah. That is the sound of me rubbing my hands together come on but i don't think it has franchise potential just because you ended by saying and that is just the beginning and then add no more information about how it's just the beginning we have got spinoffs we've got prequels we've got the whole 1066 doodah ding dong oh yeah Duda Ding Dong Oh yeah The invasion of Kent Yeah that was Wherever it Is said to have happened

We've got Hero of the Wake Spin-off series He's just vaguely mentioned He's also doing His own resisting Mm-hmm We could go into

Whatever What on earth Happened to Edith Swanneck To give her that nickname No No I don't want a I don't want a

Swanneck spin-off Where we find out The origin story of Enid Swanneck What's her name? Edith Swanneck Edith Swanneck's nickname no i no i don't want to i don't want a swan neck spin-off where we find out the origin story of enid swan neck what's her name edith swan edith swan next origin story it'll be a six-part miniseries that will be poorly received um i think it's a it's a three and it's a three because i don't think this has great franchise potential you got you had one edrick and they gave you one sequel and he was not that well received. The reviews were very mixed.

They said he was wild. They said he was a child. They said he was a forester. Very mixed feedback. Three at best, I'm afraid. Which actually is the ideal number of films to have in a franchise, isn't it? Four films, too many. It's one too many.

You've ruined my box set. Final category then, Big Fish. Yep, it had one. Came in late, but boy, boy oh boy did that have an effect on the story it really did yep really an unexpected big fish with a belt and in a way william the conqueror was a big fish in a small pond and that pond was england or whatever it was called in those days france too because, because he was, of course, French. He was French.

And I think I did quite well to get through the whole episode without really mentioning that or having a go at him or anything. You're not going to back this up in any other way. You think you're going to get five just because you've got one big fish who wears a belt? Yeah, there's a picture of me holding a big fish, and it's got a belt on with a sword on it, and that's in pride of place.

Okay, all right. Well, I'll tell you what I'll do for you, James. I'm going to give you a three, but you can tell people it was a five. You should have seen the score that got away. Good episode, James. Well done. Lawn sausage, by the way. L-O-R-N-E sausage.

Not like your garden sausage. If the listener wanted to hear you make inaccurate statements live, is there an opportunity for that, say, around Halloween? On the 31st of October, 2023, as part of the Cheerful Earful Comedy Podcast Festival. So come visit, come say hi and get chilled to your bones. Chilled to your David Bonies. And I'm Alistair Beckett King.

What's going on? Hello? Okay. Sorry about this, James. Something's happened. And I'm Alistair Beckett King in the time tunnel. MUSIC PLAYS