Loremen Podcast - S5 Ep38: Loremen S5Ep38 - Bedtime Stories at the Midnight Library

Episode Date: June 27, 2024

The Loremen have been transported back to the Midnight Library, and Miranda has a selection of bonecurdling bedtime stories to horrify and delight you. These are original tales from the shelves of the Midnight Library, and they get rather grisly. Younger listeners and the timid-of-ear be warned! Content Warning: body horror and sound effects LoreBoys nether say die! Join us for another Loremen Live at The Bill Murray in London https://www.angelcomedy.co.uk/event-detail/loremen-live-again-18th-aug-the-bill-murray-london-tickets-202408181730/ Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 @loremenpod youtube.com/loremenpodcast www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

We're all built a little differently, and that includes our feet. Hi, I'm Sean from New Balance Toronto, and we know everyone has uniquely shaped feet, which is why New Balance shoes come in widths from narrow to extra wide. Our fit specialists are trained to measure and scan your feet to determine the proper size, width, and level of support for your perfect fit. Don't just guess, get the right shoes the first time. New Balance Toronto, your neighborhood fit specialist for over 24 years. Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore.

I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shakeshaft. And James, I think we're going to need a record scratch. Coming right up. Irrit, irrit, irrit. And at this point, I should say, I've only just discovered that you've been not replacing your vocal record scratches with real record scratches. Back when I used to edit this podcast, in the good old days, before this country went to the dogs, we had real record scratches. Back when I used to edit this podcast, in the good old days, before this country went to the dogs, we had real record scratches.

And you've just been doing it with your voice this whole time. Alistair, I don't think anyone's noticed. That's how good. Wait, was that a vocal record scratch then? Yes. I'm like a tired Michael Winslow. This is a very special episode of Lawmen. Yes.

By which I mean, we're not going to be dealing with important themes like bullying or anything like that. We're going to be revisiting the Midnight Library and things are going to get spooky. Do you remember anything about it? I got some Spider-Man pyjamas out of it, which I'm pretty happy with. Ill-fitting, I will say. The word that springs to mind is ill-fitting.

I remember it being very gruesome, though. Yes. Yes, I think we have to throw up a classic content warning for original horror writing that might be too much for our younger listeners and wimpier listeners in general. Yes, there's some real soundscape stuff going on. Oh, there's sound effects. And wimpier listeners in general. Yes. There's some real soundscape stuff going on. Oh, there's sound effects.

So younger or more timid ears or a combination of the two. Is that a phrase, timid ears? I think if you can have eagle ears, then you can have timid ones as well. Okay, yes. The timid eared be warned. The Law Boys are returning to the Midnight Library. Area. The Lore Boys are returning to the Midnight Library. I rip. Hey, whoa now. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That was, I've just karate chopped a wall for the second time this week. James, you're having a night terror. Yes, now. James. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That was... I've just karate chopped a wall for the second time this week. James, you're having a night terror. Yes, absolutely. Are you okay? If I'm honest, I'm surprised you're here because... I'm not usually. I'm as shocked as you are to find myself waking up here too.

This smells and sounds like the Midnight Library. I remember I got a knock on the door. I went downstairs expecting it to be a post-person. Nearly said postman, but it's the 21st century now. A post-human. Post-human sounds bad. I don't mean like post-human. I don't mean like a mutant, not like an X-Man.

That sounds like the 22nd century. Expecting it to be some kind of delivery individual. You know, your everys, your yodels. Little parcel on the doorstep. Open it up. Don't remember a thing. Did it say open me on it? Yes.

Ah, that's your mistake. That's probably your first mistake. This is the last time I listen to advice from a parcel. And now I wake up here wearing Spider-Man pyjamas. Very nice Spider-Man pyjamas. Well, let me return the compliment, James. You're wearing very nice, identical but slightly larger Spider-Man pyjamas. These are very...

They're snug. They're a onesie. They're very snug. They are snug, you're right. They're an all-in onesie. It's not all in there. I mean, some of it is out. It's sending me flashbacks

to i think i've talked about it before the time when flashback okay i had to wear long johns for an acting job and they um had to wear them i was playing a guy who was swimming in long johns in a pond you shouldn't you shouldn't swim in long johns they're so absorbent anyway please tell me sorry we i put these long johns on and basically the johns i'm not bragging but the johns were not long enough and um you're i've always said your john cannot be contained hey um and then uh the wardrobe assistant Lower De Gaze laughed and then got the assistant producer who Lower De Gaze laughed

and then got the director who Lower De Gaze had laughed and said maybe just take the top bit off and tie it and have the arms dangling down the front so I think it was more the size of the the Long Johns rather than anything to do with my...

But anyway, do you want to know the last thing I remember? Yeah, I do. Let's move from one distressing image to another. Well, I'd gone to bed early, of course, to catch up on my sleep, so I was 30 minutes into looking at memes. When suddenly... up on my sleep so i was 30 minutes into looking at memes when suddenly when suddenly i'm here talking to you about the length of my jonathan here we are in in some kind of some kind of red room it's ever so red but it's that disconcerting red that i think is described as ox blood most blood is that color yeah red red red yeah, I'm not a doctor, but yeah. Yeah, like I say, it smells and sounds like the Midnight Library.

I hear a sort of far-off screams, which I guess are people who return to their library books late. Most libraries don't have beds in them, though, do they? I guess a Midnight Library, by its nature, would need to. A little bit snoozy. Yeah, exactly. And then midnight. Usually we're called here for a reason.

Do you think there might be a reason this time? James, we can't just lie here waiting for Miranda or one of her weird friends to turn up. Let's just get under the separate blankets. Mm-hmm. And just try to catch a few Zs, as our American friends say. Yeah, I'm going to get under my duvet. Ooh. Duvet. I'd say du-vay.

Du-vay. But Americans do classy it up, I think, by calling it a duvet. Du-vay. But I'll get my duvet, and I find that if everything's underneath it, then nothing can get at me, but I don't feel like I'm going to get to sleep. I'm not feeling get to sleep. I'm not feeling any safer now that I've pulled it right up to my chin. Do you think if we ring this little bell,

someone will come and read us a bedtime story? From the Midnight Library, surely. Yeah, ring it. Ring it now. Ding-a-ling. It's a very masculine bell. It's a very human-sounding bell. It's a very masculine bell. Very human sounding bell. It's a deep bass baritone bell. Was that a knock at the door? Gentlemen.

Ah, Miranda. It's Miranda Merrick of the Midnight Library. I don't know why I'm surprised. I do know why I'm scared. Are you decent? People tend to laugh, but I guess that's decent. Yeah, I describe it as sort of a mid-level podcast. It's not terrible.

We'll take it. It's not off-menu, but, you know, we do what we can. Well, if you're ready, I would be more than pleased to lull you into a false sense of safety with a little nighttime bedtime story. Now that you're here, we may as well make use of you. Do you do requests? This isn't a 976 line, gentlemen. It's not like that.

That does cost extra. Do you think that that would help you fall asleep if I were to tell you something nice and sweet and comforting? Soothing, yes. I really want something soothing. Absolutely. Well, I have just the story for you. Are you ready?

Yes, definitely. Yes. Excellent. Let us begin. First, I want to welcome you both as beloved guests here in the Midnight Library. I say guests, you say kidnap victims, potato, potato. And I want to assure you that I'm not put out or annoyed at your short, unplanned arrival and request for a bedtime story as overnight guests here in our red room.

You'll be pleased to know that I've awakened our Natasha from her peaceful stupor to make a midnight snack to help you sleep. When I'm finished with you, she'll arrive with a little tray of warm milk from the bosom of some beast and her famous snake-shaped cookies that you needn't be concerned about the ingredients of. See how nice? And to ease you into your restful slumber, in your adorable twin beds with matching red sheets. They're red because this is the red room, gentlemen. So, please, no jokes about them being red to disguise the spilling or spurting of rivers of blood. How rude! Ah, to ease you into your eternal, I mean nocturnal, into your nocturnal repose,

I have also brought for you a sleep spell jar. And although it does emit an unusual odor, not odor, a bouquet, a bouquet not dissimilar to a mix of lilac, camphor, wormwood, and entrails, it is hermetically sealed. So, no matter how drawn to it or entranced by it you are, I do not recommend that you open it. Or go ahead and see what happens. I'm not the boss of you, currently. I thought it only fair that I should be up front with you

and tell you that there have been guests, totally in the past, who have not had such serene sleep in this very room. And those who were left with the ability to speak spoke of such silly things. All of these absurd stories are contained in a book that I shall read to you from. The Book of Ominous Bedtime Stories from, the book of ominous bedtime stories, which you do not need to point out to me, resolves into the acronym of BOOBS. I'm well aware. Honestly, gentlemen.

Now, let's see what our lovely book says. Let's see what our lovely book says. First, a few typical run-of-the-mill nightmares that have been documented by our overnight guests. Were you aware that different beings and associates of the library are said to induce nightmares? No? Well, they do. I mean, they are said to induce nightmares? No? Well, they do. I mean, they are said to.

A Mr. Cow Now wrote in his guest journal that we later found that he found himself out in the damp night air, lost among crumbling tombstones, and suddenly surrounded by a group of morose women in dungarees and canvas skirts, their narrowing stairs becoming more threatening as they approached him on the open ground. His writing then became extremely maniacal, and the last thing we could make out was that he believed he died from exhaustion as he was forced to dig graves and eat hair. Once, a Mr. Knott Smith stayed only part of the night.

Earlier in the evening, he had met with our Janet at the Broom and Fang pub and lamented that he had nowhere to stay for the night, so she graciously invited him to stay with us. By all accounts, he was nestled in snug in one of these very beds and fell into a deep sleep, only to be awakened by a persistent tickling and itching sensation of something just grazing the fine hairs on his legs. And no matter which way he turned, the fine rustling would wake him. He lifted the covers in the dim light of the room,

only to discover an enormous wolf spider snuggled close to him, with her four large prismatic eyes glistening up at him, her back shimmering with the crawling of her tiny offspring in motion. But the two gents I want to tell you about the most were Mr. Binkraft and Mr. Check It Bing, who were not unlike the two of you really minus the matching spider-man pajamas they stayed here with us in the red room for only one night and had no nightmares at all they had night terrors. The Book of Ominous Bedtime Stories predicts,

I mean, edicts, ah, it says, it says that the two erstwhile guests were visited in their dreams by the Midnight Library's very own house paralysis demon, Uriah Sleep. At the close of the late evening, the red room gave off its customary crimson glow, and the men gave themselves over to sleep. Each in the night became aware that they were no longer alone in the room together, and that someone else was there. was there. Mr. Check-It Bing was sure someone was standing beside him, but he couldn't open his eyes. His arms locked down at his sides were suddenly lifted by cold, clammy hands that grasp his wrists and thrusts his hands to his face. With frantic, fumbling fingers, he tried to force his eyes open,

but his fingers found only empty so, swimming with blood. For Mr. Bakecraft, there was something different. He saw the room fill with a low and gathering gloom, and the hulking silhouette slide down from the far corner. Struck silent and still, he watched as the figure took the form of a hefty, dirty farmer with brown sweat creeping down his greasy face. The farmer sat right down on the bed and leaned in close enough for Mr. Binkcraft to smell his sour breath as he spoke. Darling, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine. This here is Cindy, he sloppily said, his spit landing on Binkcraft's frozen face as he reached into the pocket of his grimy overalls and produced

an ancient pair of rust-crusted loppers with the name Cindy scratched onto them. Mr. Bakecraft could do nothing but watch as the farmer took hold of his riggered hands and began nipping his fingers off the rusty, dull blade meeting and rolled to touch his terror-locked face. The farmer leaned in again, saying, If you like Cindy Lauper, you way you meet Molly Hatchet. Andy Lauper, you wait till you meet Molly Hatchet. The farmer's voice echoed, and James' head exploded. I mean, Mr. Bakecraft's, uh, or bloated, or whatever. The rest of the page is still blank, and I guess we'll have to see what happens next. Are you nice and relaxed now?

All ready to be tucked in by our Natasha? I'm thinking it's going to be a long night gentlemen good night well I wouldn't say I was relaxed I don't feel any more soothed than before if anything I'm a bit more chilled to the bone yeah

oh my horrified mortified Horrified. Mortified. Petrified. Yes. Oh no. I'm very much at the affide end of the spectrum. Rather than the elaxed end of the spectrum. I'm so far from elaxed.

Relaxed or chillaxed are the only two I can think of actually with that suffix. It's good to know my story was effective. Yeah. I have to say the title warned us but I've got to say some of these stories were more than ominous some of them were bordering on

grisly horrifying I think when the most comforting thing that you can take from a story is, well, at least that spider found a nice home. You know that you've heard some pretty scary stories. It's hard to home a giant spider. I can tell you that there aren't a lot of rescues in the world for giant furry spiders, unfortunately.

I must admit, the thinly veiled Beckett King and Shake Shaft in there, I thought that was an excellent Alistair impression. Mm-hmm. That... Yes. Yeah. I don't know about you, when I was a kid, my parents got me one of those books where they put you into the story. Wow.

Do you remember that? I had Disney's Peter Pan. It was a low-quality production. I'm not sure if it was licensed by the Disney Corporation. No. And I didn't appear in any of the drawings. No, no, no, no. Because we didn't have the technology in those days.

But I was in the text. Every so often, Peter Pan would just check in with me and say, what do you think we should do, Alistair? And then I, in the book, completely outside of my idiom, would be like, whoa, let's get Captain Hook groovy. And then Peter Pan would be like, all right, that'll be mainly a me thing. And then he would do it with loads of good drawings and stuff.

And then it would come back to me. Oh, that's nice. He'd be like, thanks, Alistair. And I'd be like, don't mention it. That's lovely. So very similar to what our book, the book of ominous bedtime stories, it predicts. So it was quite like that, but with more fingers breaking. I'm sorry to say's the book is never wrong

uh-oh yes same with that peter pan book never never on very concerned about my fingers now my finger my finger count james i think we've got one chance to get out of this situation. Yeah, go on. With an old fashioned story score. Yes! We've just got to do what we do best. Get the band back together, play an epic jam, score some

stories. Yeah. I'm unafraid. Bring your worst, gentlemen. I'm going to have to do some scoring soon before I run out of fingers. How far up can you count? Can you get to five at this point? Currently, yes, I can This is the perfect time then for the scores Right, so let's kick it off with a bang

with names because there were some glorious names in there Mr Bakecraft which is a great pun on my surname. Yeah, yeah. It reminds me of lockdown times when I became one of the sourdough bros.

Yeah. Sourist bro. James Shakespeare's Crafty Bakecraft. That is a YouTube channel that should have existed. It should have. Mr. Check It Bing just vaguely sounds like I'm engaged in some kind of financial transaction. It feels like a contactless payment is occurring.

Just like, check it, bing, done. Check it, bing. Like, your flexible friend is very much in that. That was the credit card thing, wasn't it? He was called your flexible friend. They anthropomorphized the MasterCard. Right, as your... Should have named him Mr. Card.

And you've got to be a grown-up. Mastercard implies that he's like a 12-year-old aristocrat. Young Mastercard. Yeah. Don't give a 12-year-old credit. Oh, the young master has got into the gun cabinet. What did you think of our lovely sleep paralysis demon, Uriah Sleep? Uriah Sleep?

Well, our more literate listeners will very much enjoy that, I think. It's such a not-me. Being as it is an allusion to a book, James. Oh. Yes, he's a literary character. What book? I can't remember which book

Uriah Heep is in. Is he a Dickens? He's a Dickens character. Now I'm not sure. There's a place in my town called Bleak House and that seemed... I'd change the name, guys. Well, it is also a rock

band, Uriah Heep. Very old Uriah Heep. Not sleep. Uriah Heep. Very old Uriah Heep. Not sleep. Uriah Heep. We do have rock and roll references here. I'm sorry. I'm throwing the horns. There you go.

The hook'em horns. That's right. Just throwing a few horns. Probably best to stay on the good side of supernatural forces while we're here. Yes, definitely. A few horns. There you go. I thought it was going to be some sort of wet-in-the-bed illusion,

more like a urea sleep. I would like to tell you the story briefly of Mr. Cow now. Oh, yeah. He was attacked by the Dungaree in canvas skirt wearing. Yes. Ended up eating a lot of hair. Oh, yes, yes, yes. The League of Lady Gravediggers had him.

The L of LGs. The L of LGs. L-O-L-G-D, actually. L-O-L-G-D. Had him digging graves and eating hair, as one does. Mr. Cow Now was someone in the village that no one really liked at all. And my Aunt Hilda turned him into a cow and people who still didn't like him and couldn't remember his name just said, well, he's a cow now. So he became Mr. Cow Now. So it does have history. It absolutely does. And Mr. Knott Smith was a gentleman who looked

exactly like Mr. Smith, but was, in fact, not Smith. And he became Mr. Not Smith. Oh. He was a doppelganger. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. One of the most dangerous types of gang. So nothing happens by accident in the library or in the village.

The other names we had, we had Cindy Lopper, Molly Hatchet. I like Cindy Lopper. Is Molly Hatchet, was she a band person? Yes. Was she a musician? There is a kind of a rough rock and roll band called Molly Hatchet. Ah. Though you see, there is a rhythm to my madness.

You could have a Billy Horror Day. Potentially. That's very good. Oh, what else have you got? Probably a Miley Crazy Virus. You're very good at this, James. I can't think of any horror-themed pop star. Taylor's Crypt.

Those are the three pop stars I can think of as well. What about just Bjork, but said, like, you're being sick? Just like... That's not really a pun, is it? It's just a horrible noise. It's good. It's good. I like it.

And I don't think there was a band called The Farmer, but perhaps there should be now, since he was so cruel to Mr. Backecraft. I'm guessing that he'd be into country music, probably. Yes, I do believe pj starvey oh very nice oh excellent starving is not good it's not a good thing to happen it's not it's not as scary as a hatchet i'm glad we've cleared that up yeah that is a lot of names including several that we just came up with now and yours were a bit better than mine, but still, it's a team effort.

It's got to be a five. Yeah. Really? Really. The only thing I could potentially lose you a point for is that someone has done the best misunderstanding of my name ever. There's a top two. Okay.

And it's a joint first place for somebody who emailed me calling me Jake Shameshaft. Oh no. Sounds like a judgment. It certainly does. My word. And, and the actual police that called me James spacecraft.

That's the best. So, yes. But I still give it a five. There's more than enough to make up for that. Well, thank you so much. I'll spend my five very carefully, I promise. I won't buy junk with it, I promise. I should say, some of these scores are delivered under duress.

Yeah. Oh, I'm trying to keep all my fingers, Alistair. Okay, okay. And I'm trying to keep on my fingers, Alistair. Okay, okay. And I'm trying to keep these Spider-Man pajamas. Actually, they are growing on me. They bring... And you.

Yeah. They bring out my eyes, which is also one of the worries. Which is, yes, that should worry Mr. Check-It Bing slightly. So I think second category is going to be supernatural. Yeah.

Very supernatural. I didn't realize Mr. Cow Now was now a cow. Now. It makes perfect sense. Now I know. Now I know, Mr. Cow Now. But the thing is, is digging graves as a cow. How?

Now? Cow Now? How are you digging? I mean, maybe he's pouring like a dog, like a dog but with hooves. Would you imagine a better for digging? Because if you were offered a garden fork or a garden spade to dig a hole,

you're going to pick the spade every time. And if you're going to pick a dog's foot and a cow's foot, one represents a garden fork and the other, the spoon. The garden spoon. What? What are you talking about what i'm doing is i'm i'm wondering i'm wondering how a cow

dug a grave and i'm thinking it's gonna have to have been supernatural he might have been turned into a cow after after that story but i think he dies of exhaustion yes he got tired of in the story no he does die of exhaustion i beg your pardon, you're absolutely right. Scarily enough, he writes down that he died of exhaustion, which is even more terrifying. That's why I thought at that point he was a human. Do you know how difficult it is for a dead cow to write a memoir? It's very difficult.

It's very impressive, really. And the stomach jammed with hair the way that it was. Deeply supernatural events. All six of them. All four stomachs. Four of them, sorry. I fear, James, we've run into some kind of enigma slash conundrum.

In as much as the thing that would make this most supernatural would be if these stories predicted our futures. Yes. But we don't want that to happen. No. Ooh. So should we deliberately give it a lower score to protect ourselves? But if we give it a low

score, then the Midnight Library is going to exact its revenge and make it happen. It's quite the paradox. That's exactly why I described it as a conundrum, James. We're in big trouble. Ah. Should we just go for a three? You do know that it's already in the book of boobs, so... Oh, no.

Do what you must do, gentlemen. I thought it was just a calculator turned upside down, but it is actually a book. I think we'll just have to go for a three. Just a safe three. Yeah, just go for the safe. Whenever I don't know what to do, I just go for a three. Just a safe safety three. Yeah, just go for the safe. Yeah, the safe. Whenever I don't know what to do, I just go for a three in this podcast.

So, yeah, a safe old three. Safety three. I will graciously accept my three without holding a grudge or making any veiled threats against you for future happiness. Yes. That's all I can promise. To be honest, if they could become veiled, that would be nice because they've been quite out in the open so far.

Just drop a doily over one. It's a cobweb, Alistair. You know it's a cobweb. That's not a doily. Final category, horror slash bloodlust. How lovely. Because that's what I'm getting here. Yeah, it was terrifying.

This was terrifying there was a lot more sound design than there normally is in our podcast I'm not used to hearing the cracks of bones and etc the closest we've come is me doing a record scratch noise

sometimes I do an impression of lightning but I think you edit that out oh very nice I can do a wild cat oh that is good i've actually never heard a wild cat before so i have no way of knowing how accurate that is but it's terrifying see i'm a multi-talented witch. Have you ever had a monk jack, by the way? I'm sorry, a what? A monk do what?

A monk jack or a monk jack? It's a type of deer. Oh. What does one do with one? How does one jack a monk? A monk jack. I'm not sure if it's T or a K. Now you've said it seven times, we all understand what you're talking about.

It's munt. It's munt jack. Munt jack. Is that a kind of cheese? It's a kind of deer. A deer? Which looks quite cute, but they bark. Like a fox that needs lozenge. Do they have fangs? Yeah, no, they they bark. Oh. Like a fox that needs

lozenge. Do they have fangs? Yeah, no, they're cute. They've got little horns, but they're like cute little bambis. Oh, alright. But they make a terrifying noise. No, I've not had a muntjac. I'm just googling it here in the other bed. Just googling it from the bed.

Oh, they're adorable. Yes, they do have devilish horns oh now i want one but they the baby ones are gorgeous but the sound they make that was a duck and i think one walked down our street the other night just making that noise and it half woke up both me and my wife and we both have very different ideas about what was going on. I kept saying, there's a beast in the road and my wife kept saying I think the children are coughing.

And I went, no, it's coming from the road. It's a beast. It be the beast. It's the beast. There's a beast in the road. And so this creature roams where you reside? I live in the countryside. You must.

It's just a countryside thing. You get animals down the street when they're coming back from the pub. I see. If you want to beat your reputation as a yokel, James, you're going to have to start using the word animal in place of beast. And put down that pitchfork and flaming torch. It's like a goat's foot. It's for digging graves. That's what it's for.

Well, in the category of horror slash bloodlust. Bloodlust. Bloodlust. I think this is very high. A six. Oh, it's... I mean, if I could give it three sixes, I would, because that would be the most accurate,

but it's got to... We max out at five. We could do, like, five droplets of blood, like if this was a review magazine for, like, heavy metal bands. Oh, I like it. Yeah, or blood. For your Bjorks and your PJ Harveys, you know. Throwing some horns again now.

Exactly. Well, I'm hoping that my story won't keep you awake all night and that you will be able to get some sort of sleep and we'll just see if the prophecies in the book comes true or not and we'll see how you do in the morning.

Good night, then. Night. Nighty-night. Is there a way to stop the ceiling glowing? I'm afraid not. Okay. I'm afraid not. The thing is, I've got, like, ginger eyelids,

so they don't really block out any light. When my eyes are closed, they're basically open. They're like the Invisible Man in The Invisible Man. I'm the Invisible Man. They're from The Invisible Man, yeah. The problem with your eyes will be solved later, I do believe. Good, good stuff. I think you'll find that problem will be solved for you.

You could use this eye mask, which it humorously looks like a bottom, but I think in the Midnight Library it might just actually be a bottom. I'll just wrap that bottom around my eyes then. Well, say what you will, it blocks out the light. Well, gentlemen,

it's been a pleasure to have you here and to tell you a comforting bedtime story, which I do think you are comforted by. That's the way I choose to think of it. And I'm going to leave you now. And shortly, our Natasha will arrive with her milk and cookies and comfort you even further. And then you can drop into a sound, sound sleep where I'm sure nothing unsettling or horrible or blood-draining will happen. I'm sure you'll be so, so comfortable all night. Thank you, gentlemen, so much for being here.

Thanks, Brad. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Oh, shall I return with forehead kisses? Too late. I'm going to have to adjust the bum to make a bit of forehead space visible.

Good night, gentlemen. Good night. Good night. Oh, James, I think she's gone. Good night. Good night. James, I think she's gone. Memes. Are you looking at memes on your phone? Yeah.

Well, I've got the bums on. I've got the bums on now. Can you describe any of the funny ones to me? Because I can't say anything. It's just the lady pointing at the cat. It is funny. She's so angry with that cat. And this... Good night, sweet prince.

You king of Oxfordshire. The beast. Stop talking about the beast. It's like sharing a room with a farmer. I suppose I should call it steak and not beast flesh then. Well, terrifying, wasn't it? Blood curdling. Yeah, my blood has definitely been mildly curdled, at least.

That is off. That's definitely off. You don't even have to sniff that. That's off. Alistair, can I do another little record scratch for you? Can you? Irrit, irrit. Brilliant. Irrit, irrit, irrit. It's like a record was in the room being scratched.

It's promo time. Have you got something to promo or plug? I do. In fact, in a week's time, my third book, Montgomery Bonbon Mystery of the Manor, will be published in the UK in paperback, audio book, and e-book forms. Yeah, so you can get the audio audiobook and just listen to more of this but with even less convincing accents.

Can you read along? Can you read along to the audiobook? Yeah. How would that... You could hear me and read. Yeah, and then when you hear this noise, please turn the page. No, we don't offer that.

Don't do that anymore. Fair enough. Well, do get't. We don't offer that. Don't do that anymore. Fair enough. Well, do get that. What's it called again? Montgomery Bonbon Mystery at the Manor? Correct. Have you got a podcast

there in the works there, James? I do. If you like hearing my voice, then you could listen to Rural Concerns, which involves other law folk, Chris Cantrell of this parish and Sunil Patel

also of this parish. Here's my impression of rural concerns. I'm going mad. I'm in a hole in the countryside. Well, you should be in a hole because you deserve to be in a hole because you're an idiot. Beep. Obviously. That's my impression. That's very good.

That's what it's like. That was Chris and then Sunil and then James. It was like, listen to a mirror that also had Chris and Sunil in it I can't really do the voices but that's what it's like also a slight warning for that I do do some swears

there's some swears in that one so that might shock you it's not as scary as this episode was though no gosh no we'll probably pop a little there'll probably be a little cheeky little bonus

after the music as there usually is nice little bonus after the music as there usually dog again I'm holding up like a glowing bone toy does that exist is that a thing like a glow stick in the shape of a bone

oh I don't know but there should be for dog raves hmm