Loremen Podcast - S5 Ep5: Loremen S5Ep5 - Kelpies of Kintyre

Episode Date: October 19, 2023

Kintyre is the name of a mysterious (and objectively NOT sexy) peninsula in the western highlands of Scotland. Alasdair plumbs its depths, skips along its beaches and gazes at its glinting surface, hypnotised by his own reflection. Oh yeah, and he also told James a bundle of tales from the collection of Cuthbert Bede. We're talking tartan pirates, shapeshifting kelpies and one very lucky ship's cat. Will Daft Wattie the piper be there? You betcha. And join... us... at the Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival - 31st October https://www.designmynight.com/london/pubs/balham/the-bedford/cheerful-earful-podcast-festival-day-1 LoreBoys nether say die! Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 @loremenpod youtube.com/loremenpodcast www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. With me, Alistair Beckett-King. And me, James Shakeshaft. Now, James, you like pirates, don't you? Yes. Yeah, desert islands. Sure, I love them. And sun.

Hmm? Gold doubloons. Favourite kind of doubloon. Yeah, exactly. Well, this story has none of those things, because it is set in the Scottish Highlands. Oh. But don't panic. It does offer grand theft cattle,

three spotted trout, at least minimum three. Nice. And a case of meowtiny. Meowtiny. That's going to make more sense in a minute. I hope so. Come with me, three. Nice. And a case of meowtiny. Meowton, that's going to make more sense in a minute. I hope so. Come with me, James. Yes. To Argyle and Bute for Cuthbert Bede and the Kelpies of Kintyre.

Hello there, James. Hello, Alistair. There. Hello here. And there. And everywhere. Most places. A lot of places. Hello here. And there. And everywhere. Most places. A lot of places.

Yeah, I am most places, yeah. You might be aware that I was up in the old Scotland. It's one of the places. Not long ago. It is one of the places I've been. I was in the Scottish Highlands in Argyle. Did you know, I don't know how this didn't come up when we did the Well of the Seven Heads episode.

Well, we were talking about Loch Oich near Glengarry. Yeah. You know, there's a big fissure that runs through the highlands of Scotland from Inverness to Fort William. You know, there's Loch Linney on the southwest side and there's Loch Ness in the northeast. Everyone knows this, right? I do not know. Well, bang in the middle. Do you know what that Loch is called? Loch Mo. Everyone knows this, right? I do not know. Well, bang in the middle. Do you know what that loch is called?

Loch Mo-what-ma-gate? It's called Loch Lochy. It's just a little lochy loch. They really ran out of names for lochs. Was that named by a phone-in vote or something? Lochy McLochface. So that's not quite where my story takes place today. But I noticed it, so I thought I'd tell you.

Nice. I'd like to take you to Kintyre, to tell you the tales of the Kelpies of Kintyre. Ooh, Kintyre as in Mull of Kintyre. As in the Mull of Kintyre, which is, just to clear things up, the Mull of Kintyre is a little bit right at the end of Kintyre, which is a peninsula, not to be confused with the Isle of Mull, which is just a completely different island.

It's quite nearby, but not as near as you would expect. I love a mull as well. You like a mull? Yeah, just having a sit and a bit of a stare at the wall. I think it's Gallagher for bald or bare, because there's not a lot of trees on some of these windswept aisles. The stories I'm going to tell you come from a collection by Cuthbert Bede, which is a name that immediately raised a flag for me, because it's sort of suspiciously familiar. of suspiciously familiar like it's a kind of name where i i might suspect that a listener had created a fake sort of lawmen bait book like it may as well have been called ken elm popper

bayless like i'm sure i've heard those names before those are two famous saints from from durham uh so i looked into it and of courseuthbert Bede is the pen name of the writer Edward Bradley, which he adopted while he was at Durham University. Oh. So we're not being trolled. Real guy, fake name. Ah. Just a coincidence. But it caught my eye, James.

Let me tell you. It's naturally occurring clickbait. Yeah. The book is called Argyle's Highlands. It was published in 1902, around 30 years, I think, after the author's death. Most of the stories take place in Kintyre, which is a peninsula. Literally, it means headland. And it's, you know, the way Homer Simpson describes Florida as America's wang. It's got a very similar vibe, although dressed to the left. Right. Rather than the right. Are you familiar with the Mull of Kintyre test?

If two mulls talk about, do they have a conversation with each other? Yeah, it's the Scottish version of the Bechdel test. Yeah. Right. I pronounced Bechdel there. I'm so concentrating on trying to pronounce Scottish things correctly. I pronounced it Bechdel. Bechdel. Like it's so concentrating on trying to pronounce Scottish things correctly. I pronounced it Bechdel. Bechdel.

Like it's Loch. Like Loch Loch. The Mull of Kintyre test is a, supposedly, I don't think there's any evidence for this, but supposedly the BBFC, which is the British Board of Film Classification. So they're the people who put your certificates on your films. Your PDGs. Your 12As. Your 12As.

Yeah. Those folks. So if you look at a picture of the Mull of Kintyre, it does have a sort of a pendulous quality to it. Not quite peninsular, sort of taking the N, the second N of peninsular. Yeah, absolutely. An N and a Euler are irrelevant. We could take those right out. And the Mull of Kintyre test was the upper limit.

If the appendage in question were above the angle of Kintyre, that was not acceptable. But below that angle supposedly was acceptable for getting the old stamp of approval from the BBFC. Sort of related to this, you know, I think it was like a couple of months ago, there was like a thing going around about like, actually Edinburgh's way more westerly than like Cornwall or something. You don't really realise.

Edinburgh is more westerly than Cornwall? Something like that, yeah. Really? That isn't true though, is it? I think it is though. Is it? Or it's more westerly than cornwall something like that yeah really that's that isn't true though is it i think it is though is it or it's more westerly than bristol you're right you're right edinburgh is more westerly than bristol that's it is bristol and less westerly than cornwall but still i'm impressed by it because the country leans yes so in my head it doesn't lean does the mole does the does the the mole angle take into account this? That is a really good point, actually, yeah,

because if I tilt my head, that's actually a much steeper angle. That is offensive. It must be based on a normal hanging of the map, surely. Surely, James. Okay. Wow. Yeah. So Kintyre is a rocky but sexy peninsula with islands either side of it.

Isla and Jura to the west and Arran and Bute to the east, as well as just tons of other little islands. It's got some lovely place names. Witchburn, Grogport, Tangy. Oh. Noknahar. Oh, very nice. Which I think is the cartographer being surprised in the middle of naming knock-na-ha.

Or suddenly realising something. Yeah. Knock-na-ha. Knock-na-ha. Locky lock. He had to run out, so he just named some locks quite quickly after that. And the book, from what I can tell, is mostly tales of piracy and clan warfare, centring almost exclusively

around the theft of cattle sometimes sheep and on one occasion a goat oh when you think of piracy you tend to think of doubloons and parrots and and cool stuff but it's like a much drabber more sort of tartan oat fueled and cow focused form ofacy. It would have to be a really big treasure chest. To get all those cows in it, yeah. Yeah, to get cows in. But it does seem like for a few hundred years, the different clans were essentially shuffling the same few cows back and forth from different islands

and, you know, stabbing each other a little bit as they went. Not a safe place at all. The first story I'm going to tell you is the House of Thieves. And this begins, as Cuthbert Bede writes, in the dark mental days of Scotland, when the law was defective and void of sufficient energy. Are you sure this wasn't written by me in the late 90s? It was, no. You would have said it was like, it was radical. It was dark. Oh, hellish. that's what we said in the northeast things were either dark or safe i'm now embarrassed about the lack of the lack of imagination safe yeah oh yeah hellish in county durham so that's that's good

character yeah that's like a meatloaf album cover yeah Yeah. And that was for bad things, right? No, good. Yeah, it's like when kids today say hellish, they mean good. I was like, oh, that was hellish. If someone did a trick on a skateboard, I don't know. I wasn't really invited to those sorts of events. They probably did a really good yo-yo trick. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If someone walked the dog, you'd be like, oh, hellish if someone got shimano gears on their bike oh hellish i suppose you remember shimano gears i think it was a full year of my life where that was all anybody was interested in they're all shimano nowadays it's like it's the main brand of bike gear right okay were they new to the northeast up until that point you just had to jam some dry leaves into the wheel you had to take the wheel off turn it over that's a true bit of bike history to change gears at one point there were two gears and there was a cog on each side of the wheel and you had to take the wheel off and flip it over i mean what if someone's getting away that's that's not ideal. Don't pursue them on a bike in a chase situation. No. I favour a milk float myself. So the story of the House of Thieves, as Cuthbert Bede tells it. A traveller

journeying through Kintyre lost his way on a dark night and wandered on until he perceived a light. He made his way towards it and found it to proceed from a house situated in a locality, but seldom visited. He ventured to ask a night's lodging, which was readily granted. He was kindly used, had plenty of fresh beef and mutton set before him, and a warm, comfortable bed furnished him, and the people were affable and kind. The traveller slept well, and in the morning had a good breakfast prepared for him before he set out. And that's the end of the story.

That sounds lovely five stars no it isn't the end of the story james i reeled you in oh it does it does sound great in fact in a way you're right he gives he gives those kind people an excellent review because the next morning he's already on his way the sun's up it's nice and bright but who's this in the road in front of him three strangers and they ask him where he lodged the night before

and he says oh you know the little house in the area and the strangers tell him that house is a house of thieves and robbers oh

yeah and they demand that the traveller show them the way to the house so that they can be arrested and the traveller refuses

oh point blank refuses like you know like you say five stars he's like no it was good there and the strangers persist they say they are the worst robbers in the country said one of the men pulling forth a pistol and it is necessary that we should apprehend them if you do not show us the way to the house we shall think you're in league with them and we must take you prisoner. And the traveller said, Then you may take me, for I will never betray men whose bread I have eaten. Oh, okay.

And the strangers said, Basically, I have passed the test. Oh, it was an elaborate double bluff. I'm very glad you said that, said the stranger, because actually, we are the robbers who you stayed with last night. See? You have saved your life. If you had betrayed us, we should have shot you dead we are the robbers at whose house you lodged last night and we have

met you here in order to try you whether you had evil intentions against us this being the easiest way of dealing with that situation that we could think of well yeah well i mean i can think of an easier way what would you do james if i was the robbers in the house of thieves. What would you do? I would say, oh, no, sorry, we're full tonight. Oh, that's quite good. And just simply not let him in. Simply not let him in.

What about if you let him in and then put him to the test in the morning? That seems a little bit more convenient. The test is you quickly run ahead, but down a different glen, I imagine. Yeah. And then you pop out on the road and really hope that he doesn't recognise you from the day before. Well, what I've done is I've got... Or that morning.

I'm a thief, I've got a reversible kilt. That's really smart. Yeah. With poppers, probably. So you can just like... Yeah, and sweep around. Straight back on. And they'll be like, this is clearly a different Klansman.

This is the reverse of the tartan you were looking at earlier. This obviously is clearly a different tartan. Yeah, a bit of a weird line in Star Wars, that. Please move along. So he was all right. He got away. You have proved yourself an honest man, and now you can go on your way in safety.

So it was a dangerous land, but not if you were honest. Although several people who are honest did die. So, you know, your mileage may vary. What's more honest? Honestly, sticking up for the robbers who are nice to you. If I was trying to catch a robber's house, you wouldn't come in with going, hey, I'm going to arrest and probably kill some people.

Do you know where they are? You'd just go, anyone know where to get a great breakfast around here? I'm honestly not sure that would work for catching robbers either. I'm not sure either of those are viable robber catching strategies. Oh, I had it in there. It was this house down the road. That's the house of thieves, you mug.

You're dead. Now, according to Cuthbert Bede, one stormy, rainsome night in Kintyre, a man named David Fisher met up with his lover, Jean McCallum. And basically, all the hepcats were there. Gersey Ferguson, Tad Neill, Daft Wattie the Piper. What? Et al.

And while they were all drying out around a peat fire, they told stories of magic and adventure. One of which was the story of the water kelpie. Oh. Or, I'm trying to say it in Gaelic, each uisge. So that's horse water. So each is horse and uisge is water.

Right. Uisge, like wizge. Uisge. Like whiskey. It's like saying whiskey, but when you've just had a bottle of whiskey. What have you been drinking? Whiskey.

Whiskey. U-I-S-G-E. Whiskey. And Kelpie, I think Kelpies have come up in the podcast before. They're a kind of Scottish fairy slash horse. So according to Culperbead, the fairies always had a great taste for beauty and mortals and were ever on the lookout for lovely girls. Which is, I don't think we would approve of the Kelpie's behaviour in this story these days, but it literally was a different time. And also imaginary.

Yeah. So two things were different. So Jean sang a song in Gaelic, uh tells the story of a water kelpie it wasn't a version of he drinks a whiskey drink he drinks a vodka drink who's that again what are they called was it chumba womba yes it was chumba womba which is someone saying chew it's um when they've just had a full packet of chew it so Walter Kelpie spotted a lovely girl

a beauteous maiden walking along the seashore according to Cuthbert Bede and immediately fell in love and he invited her down to his watery palace beneath the waves and asked her to be his wife

and she was frankly a little bit curious and so she let him take her under the waves and show the palace. And she was like, yeah, it's fine, but I want to go home. But he was like, well, you said you were going to be my wife. And she thought, I don't know if I really want to be married to a horse fairy who lives underwater. And so she came up with a little scheme.

She said, oh, of course, I do want to stay here, but I need my spinning wheel. And she's back on the land. Yeah. And she was also thinking ahead. And also, I've kind of got a boyfriend on the land, a human boyfriend with legs and stuff. So he said, can i just pop back and get my um spinning wheel and he said yeah of course um and he let her go he carried her up through the waves and placed her safely on the seashore and there she was found by her lover lying in a

swoon he took her to her home and when she had recovered she told him what had happened he would not at first believe that she had really seen a water kelpie but he afterwards believed it for when she was his wife every morning they found three spotted trout placed just outside their door ready for their breakfast it was the gift of the water kelpie who had not forgotten his love for the maiden oh a bit of a sad ending there sweet yeah okay well is it depends how much you like fish i suppose they've got basically one move water kelpies and that is giving you fish that is not the last time a kelpie is going to give someone fish okay spoiler alert that's that's that's their move is it like chow like it means hello and goodbye. It's extremely flexible, yes.

Like, hellish. It means good or bad. Good means good or bad, if you're in the North East. So, after Genie had told the story of the water galby, David Fisher chipped in with the story of the shipwrecked cat. It would be more accurate to say the shipwrecked cat and the shipwrecked ship, and also David, because there were several people on that boat. David Fisher himself was

a mate of a ship called the St. Mungo sailing out of Glasgow under the direction of Captain Keir travelling from London to Montreal. Now, I think I might have a bit of an idea for a political joke here, James, so get ready. If it had been

Captain Keir Starmer, the boat would have kept going to the right. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Fun fact, Mungo's Hugh Grant's middle name. Is it? Oh, Hugh Mungo Grant. So he's called Hugh Mungo, which is great. Nobody with the first name Hugh can have the middle name Mungo.

Hugh Mungo? Yeah. Is what? Did he gain his powers in an accident? What kind of a name is that? Hugh Mungo. Cancel the rest of the episode. I just need time to deal with that.

I'm checking on Snopes. It's mostly true. How can it be mostly true? It's mostly true? It's Hugh John Mungoo but then that seal says hugh john he's got a huge john that's why they call him mull of kentire so david was on his way that's this really changes everything this information about hugh grant um he was on his way to Montreal and they had reached latitude 46 degrees north, longitude 34 degrees west.

I'm sure you know it well. 46 west? 46 north. 46 degrees north, 34 degrees west. Don't look for it. It's the sea. There's nothing there. It's pretty much bang in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Are you Googling to see where it is no i'm i can imagine the sea i feel like i can hear the sound of you googling it's the sea james just trust me it's the sea there's no land there did you mean the sea the sea the sea it's the sea the sea never has the sea been more the sea than it is at 46 degrees north 34 degrees west and they they came upon an abandoned ship, seemingly the Rinaldo. And that boat was supposed to be sailing from Quebec to Antwerp, but it had been abandoned by its crew

with, I think, 700 tonnes of timber in the hold just because of a little bit of sinking. But it's got timber full of wood. It's got a lot of wood and wood floats. So the boat's still, it's still floating, but it is, let's be honest, currently sinking. It's taking on quite a lot of water. But 700 tonnes of timber, James. Mm.

That, you know, oh, cha-ching. Mm. You can't just leave that 46 degrees north, 34 degrees west just to sink. And also, I told you the ship was abandoned. It wasn't abandoned. It was abandoned apart from a cat. Uh-oh. Who presumably was, by default, the captain.

Yeah, Captain Cat. Captain Cat. And according to David, it has often happened that when a vessel has been abandoned by her crew, a live canary, hen, or cat has been found on board board which has saved the vessel from being condemned as a derelict so apparently they deliberately left an animal there sort of vaguely in charge but with no real powers because it's a cat well that's what the cats want you to think they're actually just like mass murdering sailors yeah yeah basically it was the Demeter but the cat

had eaten them too fast. So they were barely out of Quebec before nobody left. It's the thing. It's the thing from the thing.

It's the thing from the thing. That's not me not remembering something for once. That is a really easy film for people with bad memories.

I think my nan must have been on about it all the time. A lot of actors she recognises from that film. That's what's his name out of the thing. Yes, it is Kurt Russell. So David, very bravely, along with four of his crewmates, stepped up and volunteered to try and sail the sinking Ronaldo

back to Scotland towards the Clyde, presumably to weigh anchor in Glasgow. Did they still have to take orders from the cat? I believe the cat was more of a ceremonial position by this point, but they took the cat with them. That's nice. I think he might have been more generous to have popped that aboard the St. Mungo, but they took it with them, I guess, because he was a captain. Davies says that the weather proved foul and the leakage of the waterlogged vessel was so great that for 22 hours out of the 24, we were kept working at the pumps.

But we toiled on manfully for 18 days and at length sighted Cape Clear. Now, I looked this up to see how near to the Clyde that is. That is the bottom of Ireland. That's a little island off the bottom of Ireland, as far as I can tell. So they're quite far away from Scotland. There's a little island off the bottom of Ireland, as far as I can tell. They're quite far away from Scotland. There's an island in the way. And Northern Ireland. Don't want to be controversial.

So they should have landed there. They should have just put into the first port they came to, but the wind turned against them, James, and blew them back out to sea, and they drifted around the northern coast of Ireland and into the Northern Channel, which is the bit between Northern Ireland and the Highlands of Scotland. We came towards the Mull, which I think means the Isle of Mull, but it could mean the Mull of Kintyre. Not sure. And it seemed as though we

must be dashed to pieces on the rocks, but a sweep of the gale bore us away from the coast and we rounded the Mull in safety. As we drifted on to Sander, which is another island, there came a lull in the gale and curiously enough, this calm probably proved to be our destruction. For if the strong breeze had kept up, I think we should have weathered the rocks and should have passed on safely into the sheltered waters

of the Kilbrannon Sound or the Firth of Clyde. But the wind stopped and the ship, ka-chow, crashed into the rocks at the pretty much bang on the tip of Kinty into the rocks at the, pretty much, bang on the tip of Kintyre, Karski.

Yeah, right on the tip. The Rinaldo broke up on the rocks. David's four crewmen were clinging to a log when they were swept down to sea and he never saw them again. Oh no. That's like end of Last Crusade. Should have let go of the logs.

Shouldn't have been so greedy for the logs. It's like a polyamorous Titanic where there's four of them. I'm like, it is quite a small log, actually. Fair enough. Four seems a lot.

On the night of the wreck, the cat seemed fully alive to the danger because he was the captain. You don't get to become a cat captain not being alive to danger. He kept close to me

carefully watching my movements. When the hull smashed up and I leapt upon the floating log, the cat sprang up on my neck and there clung for life. During the five hours that I was battling with the waves, she kept her position and when, for the third time, I was flung on the rocks and sank exhausted, she then probably had leapt ashore. There was a great confusion on shore at that moment for the lifeboat,

which had been brought from Campbell Town, was just being launched. My cat got away unnoticed and I was afraid I should never see her again. But the next day, when I was awaking from my sleep, I felt something purring and rubbing around my face and opened my eyes. There was my poor cat. In some way, she had traced me to Leffenstrath. And she stayed with him there for three days

and she followed him to Glasgow and later to Demerara and finally ended up in the possession of David's girlfriend, Jean McCallum. Isn't that sweet?

Oh, that's nice. That's nice. The cat survived. Those four guys, dead. Yes. They should have grabbed onto that guy's neck.

700 tonnes of timber. That's gone. You're have grabbed onto that guy's neck. 700 tonnes of timber. That's gone. You're not seeing that again. Match sticks. Basically what they did was they found a cat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and then five men

risked their lives, four of them dying, to bring that cat to Scotland. It's a good cat, yeah. But of course What? Cat drownings

are not the only danger the sea presents. There are, of course, kelpies around, and I have one more kelpie for you. Oh, yeah. Before I pack my stories away. In fact, I have a story of the son of a kelpie. Son of a kelpie? So the name of somebody who is the lover of a kelpie is Lianan Shi. It means a fairy lover, basically.

Oh, no, this is a generic title. Yep, absolutely. It's not a single person. It's someone who loves a fairy. So had the woman from the first story stayed under the ocean, we might have called her a Lianan Shi, but she escapes due to a clever story about a spinning wheel. So does Lian mean fairy or Leanne mean lover?

She, S-I-T-H, Sith, we might say. Sheeth means fairy. Ah, the Sith. Like in your Star Wars programme, James. That George Lucas. What a cheeky so-and-so. Yeah, she or she. I'm trying my best to do the pronunciation correctly.

So there was a kelpie in an inland lake in the Western Highlands who fell in love with yet another beauteous maiden. After which she started to feel a bit weird about it because he was sort of a magical fairy child. And she really wasn't keen on raising the fairy and she tried to give it to the Kelpie saying, maybe you should bring him up because he's quite weird. And he said to her maiden decked with auburn tresses take thy son to thy embraces and each morning whilst i live spotted trout to thee i'll give oh hello yeah and she was

like fair enough i'll keep him then as long as as long as you're paying this sort of trout child support on a daily basis. It doesn't say how many trout, but we can only assume three. It seems like the correct number of trout. Yeah. So the child was known as the fairy man, or, now this is a tricky one. I would have pronounced it Dove Sith. D-U-B-H hyphen S-I-T-H.

But as far as I can tell, you don't pronounce the ends of the words. So I think the Gaelic for the fairy man, or I think it means black fairy, literally, or dark fairy. I think the correct Gaelic pronunciation will be something like douchey. Oh. Mm. And you know what? He was. This little kid grew up to be nothing but trouble.

Oh, really? Oh. Mm. be nothing but trouble. Oh, really? Oh. Hmm. The douchey or fairy man grew up to be something of a magician and an archer. He even got himself involved in some actual history. Oh. The Battle of Trygrunyart. Right. Or Grunyart Strand, which was, to be honest, yet another fight between two people who were

probably, I think, uncle and nephew. You know what clans are like. It's basically like The Sopranos, but in tartan. Yeah, less shell suits. Porridge instead of gabagool. Probably. So I won't go into full detail. I won't do like six seasons of backstory on this fight.

But I'll give you just the bit that involves the do-she. And this is Ara Fletcher's version of the story, as written up by Ron on islay.scot, which is a website dedicated to the stories of the Isle of Islay. Apparently, Lachlan Moore-McLean of Dewart Castle and his nephew, James MacDonald of Islay, had had a bust up over a small personal matter. Can you imagine what that was? Probably some cattle? It was the theft of some cattle.

Yes, yes. It started out, it was yet again another example of cattle related violence. I think it started out with a few cows uh but then over you know over months and years there's a little bit of land i think also on isla uh maybe a castle here and there after a while nephews uncles dozens of loyal men are being murdered left and right much presumably to the bemusement of the cows in question finally it came to a head with a battle on the Isle of Islay in Trae Gruenat

and the douchi magician and archer offered to help the big guy Lachlan Moore-McLean Moore-McLean well you're about to see actually less

quite a lot less he's about to make a really big mistake the douchi offers you know I could fight on your side in this battle and basically Lachlan, he's about to make a really big mistake. The douchy offers, you know, I could fight on your side in this battle. And basically Lachlan Maclean says, no, because you're like a horrible little magic man who nobody likes.

So get lost. Oh no. He would live to regret that, but not for long. So basically the douchy switched sides. And this is how Ron writes up the story. The hot August sun was blazing down on the fighting men, and during a lull in the battle, Maclean wanted a drink,

and as his water carrier was empty, I assume water carrier is like a flask, not a person, he crossed over to the well. Removing his helmet, he knelt to drink. Oh dear. James, you and I, we've seen films. He hasn't seen Saving Private Ryan. He hasn't seen any films. He doesn't know that the very instant you remove your helmet, Yeah. He hasn't seen Saving Private Ryan. He hasn't seen any films.

He doesn't know the very instant you remove your helmet. Yeah. He doesn't know, James. This was the moment Dushy had waited for. And like lightning, he shot the bolt from his crossbow straight into the back of McLean's neck. At such an angle that the tip came out his eye. Ow. Yeah, pretty nasty.

Which is not exactly how Cuthbert Bede tells the story, but the gist of it is the same. The douchey struck the decisive blow in that battle and tipped things in favour of Jimmy MacDonald. And so those, I should say, are Cuthbert Bede's stories and that is

the end of my story of The Kelpies of Kintyre. Oh, that's a lovely set of stories. Thank you. Thank you. Would you care to score? Yes. Yes. Okay.

Let's go for it. My first category will be names. Now, you did sneak in an early name just for the... An early name? There was one name that you were just like, oh, Lochlochie exists, by the way. Don't forget that. I just dropped a Lochlochie in at the top. It was a love, lovely name. There was one name that you were just like, oh, Loch Lachie exists, by the way. Don't forget that. I just dropped a Loch Lachie in at the top. It was a love, lovely name.

And could you please remind me of the names of the people at that party? I just want to hear them again. Of course. They were Gene McCallum, Gersey Ferguson, Tam Neill, and Daft Watty the Piper. Daft Watty the Piper. Daft Wattie the Piper. As well as David Fisher. Of course, David Fisher was present.

Daft. David Fisher also present. Boring name. Daft Wattie the Piper. Daft Wattie the Piper. And then there was that douchey kid. The douchey. I mean, look, it's no Lucius Doucheus.

He's never going to be the douchiest character we've met on the podcast. Or the louchiest. Or the louchiest, nor the douchiest. But the douchey, that is a good name. So, yes, big time. And Grogport, Tangy and Knock Nahar. Five. Thank you.

Can't fall on them. Thank you. Thank you. I'll take. Five. Thank you. Can't fall. Thank you. Thank you. I'll take my five. Thank you. My next category is, and I've got a weird feeling about this. I think you're going to try and knock me down,

but Supernatural. Right. Yes. So Kelpies are Supernatural. And also cats are Supernatural. I'm not so sure. I'm not so sure. Timber is supernatural.

It's like an abandoned ship is spooky though, isn't it? Yeah, kind of. Never seen one in real life, but I imagine it would be. I imagine I'd not want to get on it. Wait, do you not believe in abandoned ships, James? Oh, yeah. I believe in them when I see them. I believe some people think they see abandoned ships.

You're not exactly a nautical fellow, though, James. I've been on a ship. I've been in a dry dock. Oh, okay. I didn't mean to impugn your knowledge of maritime matters. The thing about the Kelpies, are they horses or are they people? Great question. Or are they centaurs? Are they seies or are they people? Great question. Or are they centaurs?

Are they seahorses? They cannot be seahorses and reasonably expect to carry on a romantic relationship with a human woman. Come on, lads. Surely not. It's not feasible. Especially since seahorses house baby seahorses. The male seahorse has their babies in a little pouch. Yeah.

That's not going to work with a human baby. No, you can't have a bunch of human babies. Not practical. In a little pouch. Yeah. That's not going to work with a human baby. No, you're kind of a bunch of human babies. Not practical. In a bum bag. No, it couldn't happen. No, impossible. So yeah, iach is the Gaelic word for horse. So they are horses, but also they're sort of not horses sometimes.

Depends if they're trying to woo the ladies or not. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, they clean up nice. And the douchey did look pretty much like a normal person. Douchey one. Yeah, it's not very supernatural, I'm afraid, Alistair. It is very supernatural.

There's two kelpies. Well, I'll give you one per kelpies. So it's two. And then there was just a cat. What about the ferryman? Just a standard cat. But the ferryman's also magical. It's not clear how.

He's good at archery. All right. All right. Two. Sticking at two. All right. All right. We did well in names.

It's fine. My next category is It's the Thing from John Carpenter's The Thing. Excellent. I'm not quite sure. I don't think it's going to be a high scoring category, but too cool a title not to try. It's an homage to It's It from Stephen King's It. An homage to, I think, one of the worst categories

you've ever come up with. The lowest scoring category. And used twice. Yes. Over two episodes. You'd probably probably very inclined to give me a high score if I were to

do a an homage to it but the cat on the boat is a little bit John Copter's the thing yeah yeah exactly

I'm imitating it almost convincingly the cat on the boat a dog on a helicopter I know the dog wasn't on a helicopter but it was near a helicopter

no I'm pretty certain the dog was on the helicopter and it was a dog on a helicopter. But it was near a helicopter. No, I'm pretty certain the dog was on the helicopter and it was chasing a Norwegian man. Is that why it crashed? The Norwegian had to run after it, warning them, watch out, there's a dog in that helicopter. It's a really weird, confusing film. It's a very bad dog.

Yeah. That dog isn't a trained pilot, he's shouting, but it's in Norwegianwegian so they don't the americans don't understand um but also um kelpies they seem to be shapeshifters you said yes sometimes they're horses sometimes they're not the thing from john carpenter's the thing is a shapeshifter that is the thing about the thing from john carpenter's the thing it is that it's a shapeshifter the The Thing is a remake of the film The Thing from Outer Space, I think.

In that, it's a vegetable that represents communism, I think. You can't really make anything a film in those days. About communism. They could make anything about communism. It's about a beach ball that eats cats, but the beach ball represents communism. And they were like, here's a million dollars, which is a lot of money in those days, i.e. now.

Off you go, lads. They should have done the alien aliens thing, shouldn't they? Yeah, they should have. The thing and then the things, which is less... I think it goes thing and then thingies and then thingamajigs. And then the series tails off when it's just called Wassnames.

Yeah, Thingamajig versus Wassname. Nobody liked that. Too dark. Thingamajig versus Wassname. Whoever wins. Summer, summer, summer. Easy to write, though. You've got to give them that.

The screenwriters did save a lot of time there. They just got a bunch of nannas in. The stormy night in Kintyre. Yeah. They're all trapped inside. I think I'm in close to give you... Daft Wattie's there, if it is even the real Daft Wattie. It's kind of spooky.

Yeah, okay. I'm going to go for a four because I like the film, the thing. Great, great. I'm happy. I'll accept it whether I've earned it or not. For my final category, I know you were quite impressed by that little bit of satirical wordplay I did earlier.

Oh, yes. So get ready to, to, to make an effort to enjoy this in a similar manner. Fishy tales, fishy tales, James.

Fishy tales. Fishy. Cause there were, um, fishy tales fishy tales James fishy tales fishy because there were um quite a lot of fish in the stories oh and it's a bit fishy like I'm not sure

it's true yeah you're getting it yes I see so we've had minimum three or four fish a day

probably yes six fish a day multi a day multi fish that's a lot of fish. Where do you get all

these spotted trout from? Can't tell you. I know a guy. If he is a guy. I'm not sure that all of these stories happen. I don't know David Fisher's story.

Sounds a little outlandish. I feel like he might have exaggerated a bit. About the cat? He might have beefed up the cat a little bit. Yes.

Just a little bit to make it more exciting. Maybe these stories of the traveller and the... Yeah, the Airbnb. The Airbnb assassins. And that stinks. Mm-hmm. And what else stinks? Okay, then.

Fish does. Bad fish. You're right. This is a bunch of fishy tales. Yeah, five. Got to do it. Oh, five. Got to do it.

All right, you're doing it. Okay. It's very incredibly fishy. Yeah. On fishy tales. Yeah, five. Got to do it. Oh, five. Got to do it. All right, you're doing it. Okay. It's very incredibly fishy. Yeah. On many levels. Yeah, yeah. I just didn't expect it, frankly, and you sort of caught me off guard.

Also, you had at least six fish, actual fish tales in there because they were giving out three fish a day. The tales of the fish. Yeah. Yeah, it is five, i'm gonna stop apologizing i'm gonna take up space i'm gonna yeah i'm i'm gonna defeat my imposter syndrome and collect that five cha-ching thank you very much in the bank you pop it in the fish bank yeah thank you

well thank you very much james you've um You've given me fine food and a delicious breakfast. Yeah, don't you dare tell anyone where I live. Your secret's safe with me. I'd literally die before giving you a bad review on Yelp. on the album it's a meowtiny like because the cat was in charge James right

did that click into play okay okay hey James it just so happens that old Cuthbert Bede has a couple of Halloween based

tidbits in that self-same book Argyle's Highlands yeah hey are we doing some kind of Halloween-based titbits in that self-same book, Argyle's Highlands. Yeah. Hey, are we doing some kind of Halloween show, the Lord Boys? Yes, yes, we are. You don't say. What an extraordinary coincidence. Part of the Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival on the 31st of October, 2023.

2023. In Balham, and you can buy tickets online. Well I hope people do buy tickets actually. And I might share those Halloween tales then? Please do. Well I will.

Oh yeah. And they made a TV series. Is that the TV series? That was a remake. They were like what if the thing had CGI instead of

puppets? And everyone went, it will be, we wouldn't like that.