Loremen Podcast - S5 Ep6: Loremen S5Ep6 - The Evil Jester of Muncaster Castle

Episode Date: October 26, 2023

Hark, the jingling of bells! 'Tis two fools come to make merry. What luck! Alasdair and James recorded a live episode at the Bill Murray in London's London. The Evil Jester of Muncaster Castle features all the Loremen classics. We're talking bowls. We're talking Cumbrian superstitions. We're talking trombones and a comedian who kills (literally).  And that's not the last live show the lads have in them. Join... us... at the Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival for our Halloween Special - 31st October: https://www.designmynight.com/london/pubs/balham/the-bedford/cheerful-earful-podcast-festival-day-1 LoreBoys nether say die! Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 @loremenpod youtube.com/loremenpodcast www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. We did a live episode. Yes, it is a live episode, and it's recorded at the Bill Murray Pub in London. And if I'm not mistaken, things are about to get pretty Cumbrian, right, James? Like a curly sausage. Ooh. The luck of Muncaster. The luck of Moncastor.

The luck of Moncastor. A.K.A. the deadly jester of Moncastor Castle. Good afternoon. Is it afternoon? Is it getting to good evening time? What's the word on the street? Good evening? Good evening. Good evening. Good evening. Hello. The internet as well. I don't know what time it is there. Frankly, it could be any time. It's all times on the internet, isn't it? Yeah, it's an all-time internet. So we don't always rehearse the starts of these things. As much as that one.

We have been crafting that. And I said, I think, James, you should go on a riff about what time is it on the internet. Yeah, yeah. And I said, I don't think it would be a good idea. I think I'll run out of steam quite quickly. I insisted upon it. I said, no, they'll love it.

But you were right. You were right. It's a great start. They loved it ever so quietly. Yeah. right you were right it's a great start they loved it ever so quietly yeah so i've got a terrifying story for us all today i've been looking in one of the friends of the show haunted houses by charles g harper charlie g yeah chucky g og charlie now this book was originally published 1907 this edition is very 90, as you can see on the stream.

It's kind of scary, but I mean, this should be a leather-bound book, really. But that doesn't affect the contents. I want to talk to you about The Luck of Moncaster, or The Luck of Moncaster, depending on whether you're from the north or the south. That's very thoughtful of you, James. I would of Moncaster, depending on whether you're from the north or the south. Mmm, that's very thoughtful of you, James. I would say Moncaster. Especially as this is in Cumberland, which is no longer a county.

It's now Cumbria, I think. But the sausage lives on. Mmm. James, you can't kill a sausage. You might be able to kill an individual sausage. The idea. The idea of sausage. Whoever heard of a sausage who really dies?

No sausage ever dies. Have you heard of Lux in general? Alistair, I'll ask you if you've got a microphone. Thank you for throwing that one to me. The answer, James, is no. I've heard of microphone. Thank you for throwing that one to me. The answer, James, is no. I've heard of luck. Luck as a concept. As a concept.

Well, this is the opposite of the sausage because this luck is not a concept. It is a thing which can be broken. Can I just say that is the most confusing link you've ever done on the podcast. It's the opposite of a sausage because it's a thing that can be broken. Well, as we've just established...

How are these people supposed to make any sense of that? You cannot break a sausage. I think we just spent five to six minutes establishing that you can't break a sausage. But you can break a luck. So what a luck is, is it seems predominantly in the north.

One of the most famous ones is the luck of Eden Hall, and it's a glass vase that was apparently found... Glass vase. Thank you for the live interpretation. It was a glass vase. Glass vase. Glass vase. Glass vase.

Glass vase. That was apparently found by a butler a butler a butler i said i wouldn't say butler in the sort of poshest way and i ended up saying busler that's just a busy butler though isn't it a butler it was found by a butler uh near a well uh in the care of some fairies, some fae folk, some little people, and he frightened them off and grabbed this sort of elaborately decorated glass vase, a glass vase, and it gave the house luck.

The quote goes, Thus, if that glass either break or fall, farewell the luck of Eden Hall. Oh, so the look represents luck. So it's not as confusing as we thought. of Eden Hall. Oh, so the look represents look. So it's not as confusing as we thought. It's not as confusing as a sausage.

It's the opposite of a sausage. I understand that. It's the exact opposite of the idea of sausage. Now that it's been explained to me, that's exactly how I would put it. So in the past, specifically 1463, Henry VI, it says here, the most unlucky of monarchs,

gave Sir John Pennington, sometime after the Battle of Hexham, this bowl, the Luck of Moncastle. So this is the thing that was... It was a vase in the last story and now it's a bowl. So the Luck of Edinburgh is a vase. This is some classic nonsense going on. But we're going to Moncastle.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was confused there. And this is a bowl. All these different places have different lucks. One place has got a luck. There's a trombone. The Moncastle luck or Moncastle luck is apparently still there in Moncaster Castle you can visit it to this day if you go to the Lucky Cup motorbike race and buy a ticket you can go and look at the

magic bowl to the Lucky Cup motorcycle yes there's a Lucky Cup motorcycle it sounds like a thing from Final Fantasy is that a real event I think it's one of the new Mario Kart levels. But yeah, no, you can. It's still there and it's still lucky. And I say that question mark because of the stories I'm about to tell you. Moncaster Hall has passed through many different people, the earls of Moncaster. And in 1863, the Lord Moncaster, who'd married a Miss Constance Lestrange. Ooh! Which is French for always weird. They travelled largely in the east,

and they were coming back and they reached Athens, which is in Greece. The country, not the musical. And they were on the historic plane of Marathon. Now, they were travelling with some friends. With Lord and Lady Moncaster were Mr and Mrs Edward Lloyd, their child. Mr Frederick Grantham Viner. Weird name for a child.

A brother of the Marchioness of Ripon. Mr Edward Herbert and Count Herbert de Boyle which is French for well it's French for what you do to water before you make a cup of tea Herbert de Boyle yes you're Herbert de Boyle we say put the kettle on

but you know Herbert de Boyle de Boyle tu veux du rienter? je suis Herbert De Boil. I'm just going to boil that Herbert. I am Herbert De Boil. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what they say because it's like the joke, like I'm going to put the kettle on. Oh, it won't suit you. I'm Herbert De Boil. It's France. Classic Gallic humour. Oui. We've got some french people in because

that's why they're like enjoying that way more than any of the rest of it so far um so this the this bunch were surprised and captured by a band of brigands they were kidnapped basically in greece before nightfall the ladies and children were released. The men were taken to the brigands' secret lair. The next day, the brigands realised they needed to get word out that they'd kidnapped. They've planned this so well. They allowed one of the captives to proceed to Athens to negotiate a ransom.

And their terms were £30,000 in gold, a free pardon for past and present offences. I would have gone in for future ones as well. You can't commit a crime and demand to be let off crimes. It says here they're impudent terms. That is pretty impudent, actually. And they wanted some of their of their gang who

were in prison to be released and mr viner drew the lot to go and do it but he decided to give it to lord muncaster because he was he had a wife and and so on so lord muncaster went and he was warned that if they got the cops onto them that they would kill the remaining hostages. And Lord Moncaster went to the Greek government and they secretly prepared an expedition. And the brigands got word of this from their spies and they did kill those hostages. Oh, really? Yeah, they did.

Wow, I'm glad I didn't make any sarcastic remarks while you were telling that. Yeah, I think I'm going to cut out that Herbert de Boyle bit. So Herbert, he's dead now that guy whose name we were having a lot of enjoyment it was in 1863 so again if he was alive now he'd be dead by now he would be dead if he was alive he'd be dead good point um the brigands got caught and they were taken to athens and executed so happy ending yeah and it said that lord muncuster never quite threw off the gloom of this terrible experience and executed. So a happy ending. Yeah. And it said that Lord Moncastle never quite threw off the gloom

of this terrible experience and he erected a stained glass window in the church in memory of his unfortunate fellow travellers. What a downer of a first... Whoa. Are there any happy stories coming? Well, in the castle,

Moncastle Castle, a feature of the grounds is an extensive heronry. So it is an all-down. Oh, that probably took the edge off all his friends being murdered. Yeah. I am sad about that, but I do enjoy looking at a heron. Yes.

He probably thought to himself. Yeah. So that's an example of the luck that this magic bowl can bring you. To be the only escapee of a kidnapping. Yes, basically, yes. Incredible. Yeah. So James, of course, told me that he was talking about the looks of Moncaster et al.

And I clearly had no idea what that meant. So I... It was a sausage, basically. It's the opposite of sausage. It's sausage related. He tried to explain to me, but I didn't understand it at the time. So I decided,

not based on misunderstanding the message, to research some of the superstitions of the area, things that are lucky and unlucky in Cumbria. And my source for this is Ancient Customs and Superstitions in Cumbria. And my source for this is Ancient Customs and Superstitions in Cumberland by a Craig Gibson Esquire. By a Craig

Gibson. A Craig Gibson. He's very vague about this. That's nice and humble, actually. I'm not the Craig Gibson. I am but a Craig Gibson. And you can kill a Craig Gibson, but you cannot kill the idea of a Craig Gibson. And you can kill a Craig Gibson, but you cannot kill the idea of a Craig Gibson. He's very much like a sausage.

And this comes from 1858. It's two minutes to seven. See, I knew the time humour would come in. Apparently, according to him, Cumberland, as was, is full of omens, good and bad. They are abundant in Cumberland. It is a bad omen to see the new moon for the first time through glass or without money in the pocket. Oi. Mmm.

I wear specs and I'm always broke. Yeah, James, you're short-sighted and penniless. That's terrible news for you. Don't look at the moon. But this applies to young girls, so not good news for you. But if young girls turn their aprons at the first sight of the new moon and wish their wishes will be granted, it's a good omen to see the first foal of the year

with its head towards the spectator, but a bad one if reversed. And I assume that means the foal of the year with its head towards the spectator, but a bad one if reversed. And I assume that means the foal facing away rather than the foal's head upside down. Because if the foal's head's upside down, that means you've been caught in one of those traps from cartoons. Where you put your foot in a loop and it goes whoop

and you're upside down. So that is unlucky. It is unlucky to help anyone to salt. Shouldn't have to say that. Every grain of wasted salt brings a grain of sorrow

to the waster. Oh gosh. A hare crossing the path is ominous of evil and the writer says I have known people to turn back

and deferred important errands when it has occurred. Whistling maids are very unlucky and so are crowing hens. Do hens crow? They'll be doing an impression surely surely, of a crow. In short, he says, all sorts of incidents are made

to bear superstitious fruit, and events the most commonplace are endued with significance that ordinary people would never dream of attaching to them. The implication there being that no one who lives in Cumberland is ordinary. Those are some of the superstitions. There are many conventions and customs that are very strange. There's riding the stream, which happens on the River Ian. There's one Ian here who was just drifting off. He's like, what? What's that?

It's spelled E-H-E-N. I think I did, I listened to a video of someone saying it. If it's not pronounced River Ian, I don't want to be right, basically. They ride from the River Ian to the sea. They would get on their horses, they'd ride down the river, smashing things up as they went and getting a little bit tipsy along the way, I think it's fair to say. And is that good luck?

Well, this is a custom rather than a superstition. Yeah, this is just something to do. They did it once a year. It was a custom rather than a superstition. Oh, right. Just something to do. Yeah, this is just something to do. They did it once a year. It was a big deal, riding the river. Refreshments were levied or provided at certain places on the river, and as all members of the cavalcade had to partake of these, either by compulsion or choice, rude practical jokes

of a very moist character we're freely indulged in. What has Ian been up to? Another unusual custom in Cumberland pertains to the cracker Christ. Oh, woke up with the cracker Christ. Which does sound like a delicious biscuit, but is actually a curious misnomer for cockatrice or cockatrice. Oh, right.

Although in this case appears to have just been, think a bat. Basically, a local copyholder, which is like a tenant farmer, I think, in the local terminology, didn't have to pay the, whatever it is, the tithes to the local parish because his ancestor had dealt with a crack of Christ. I love a crack of Christ. Oh, I don't. Mmm. Oh, delicious.

Do you want a whole slice of Christ? No, just a crack. Just a crack of Christ. I'll just nibble on a Stigmata. The end of his two fingers, they're the nicest bit. the end of his two fingers they're the nicest bit the Cumbrian monster is alleged to have been nothing more formidable than a bat of extraordinary size which terrified the people in church or vestry one evening so that all fled save a particular clerk who valiantly giving battle again against this bat, succeeded in striking it down with his

staff, and for that his ancestors forever were freed from paying their dues to the parish. Because he battled a bat? Because his ancestor killed a cracker Christ. A cracker Christ? He killed a cracker Christ. There's a wedding custom, which I thought you would like. Wedding cake, pretty normal. Did you have

cake at your wedding, James? No. Arrogant man, James. We didn't. You scorn these ordinary people. We did a Japanese thing. We had a big sake barrel, which is but one letter different from cake. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't pronounce it kake. No. And you wouldn't have it in a barrel. No. Did you cut the sake? No, it's like it's got a wooden lid and you hold a mallet and you smash the lid. This is like Donkey Kong's wedding. It's cool, yeah.

And that's good luck. Yeah. Kagami Baraki it's called. And then do the guests have to like jump over the barrel? And then a load of bananas come down with the letters of our name, which is H and J. Very difficult to catch them. Some of that was true. It's hardly stranger than what they used to do in Cumberland, which was the tradition of breaking the cake over the head of the bride.

Oh. Cumberland, which was the tradition of breaking the cake over the head of the bride. Oh. And now there is a tradition, actually, there's a TikTok tradition of men who ought to be divorced pushing their wives' faces into cakes now in the present day. Is that, what? Yeah, I think the front row are nodding and you go like, just, I was about to say something about them that you can't stream. Mmm.

So I'm going to stop myself. Mmm. But I think bad things should happen to those guys but not specific bad things that are against the terms of service of youtube yes use your imaginations um yeah so um i've got myself distracted yes so um they would break a cake which i can only assume is harder and less icingy than our modern cakes, would be placed on the head of the bride. She would have a little napkin overhead

and it would be cracked into many pieces and then the pieces would be shared with the guests. So this is, I guess, just before the invention of knives. That was deemed the best way of splitting up a cake. I like it. It's sort of the Venn diagram between sort of wedding religious ceremony and karate exhibition.

Finally, I have a, I think, unique story about an individual superstition. I'm going to call this the tale of the Phantom Thumb. Woo! I didn't expect a woo, but I accept it graciously. You should do, yeah. We're talking about a man called Joseph Thompson,

who, through adventures that I do not know the details of, lost his thumb. To be fair, he didn't lose it, but it got cut off. He knew where it was. Crucially, they knew where it was. He knew where he'd had it lost.

It's figurative when we say he'd lost his thumb. He knew where it was. Crucially, they knew where it was. He knew where he'd had it lower. It's figurative when we say he'd lost his thumb. He knew where it was. By the big axe. But it wasn't on him where it ought to be. And so, have you seen the TV series The Terror? You've seen some of it because you recommended it to me and then you stopped watching it and I got annoyed. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The Terror is about Lord Franklin's ill-fated journey to find the Northwest Passage, but with supernatural spookiness. And I don't think it's spoilers to say, because it happened in real life, that they all die. Because, like, in real life, nobody knows what happened to them.

Apart from that, they died. They definitely died. Yeah. And there's a bit in it where it's quite... It's really, really scary. It's very serious. But there's a bit where Franklin dies, but all they get back of him is his leg.

And they have a funeral for the leg. Honestly, it's the funniest thing that has ever been on television. It's such a, it's, I don't know if it's meant to be funny. It's like they're preparing it and then you see the reverse angle of the coffin and it's just a leg in the coffin. Is it a full-size coffin?

It's a full-size coffin! They don't bring leg coffins! They don't do leg coffins actually. They've got limited supplies. It's like a four-year voyage. So it's a normal-sized coffin with a leg in it. But what if he hadn't died but just lost a leg and he came back and there's like oh where's my coffin I suppose that's not the first thing you say

I suppose it wouldn't come up until he died and then they go oh yeah we used this coffin didn't we for the leg that time we should have used a smaller one so I can only assume that they they built a an adorable tiny little thumb coffin because his thumb was buried in the churchyard, of course. Yeah, consecrated ground. But then he started to feel a strange sensation, which I think is probably similar to phantom limb syndrome. Basically, he felt pain on the stump, the thumb. And Joseph Thompson concluded that this was caused by it being buried in consecrated ground. So he had it exhumed and buried in a field,

and then the pain went away. And so he demanded to his friends, you know, you mustn't bury me when I die. Do not bury me in the churchyard. If that much pain was caused just by the thumb being buried in the churchyard, imagine a full body's worth of pain. It's more than 10 times more. Because it includes the other thumb, for starters, and then all the other bits.

And indeed, they were as good as their word. You could go and see a stone pillar, which was the marker of his grave, in any old field with an inscription that I think probably is the most pedantic grave inscription that I've heard. Excellent. And you know we don't normally stand for pedantry on this podcast, but I'll make an exception. This is the inscription on Joseph Thompson's grave. Joseph Thompson may here be found, who would not lie in consecrated ground died may 13th 1745 aged 63 when he was alive how could he be aged 63 when he's dead yes Someone really needed a rhyme for five. You didn't have to...

They don't normally rhyme. You didn't have to make it rhyme. I guess the grave inscriber... Ding, ding, ding. Yeah, must have been like... He had that in the lock-up for whenever someone died in the year ending in five. Like, I've got something.

They wouldn't let me do this in a churchyard, but we're in luck. Any old field. I could do my gags. Would he have anything for any other years? I'm desperately trying to think of rhymes. Super. Thank you. Just reminded me of the number seven.

That's good, that's good though. I can see why you might have thought that the problem there was us thinking of other numbers rather than thinking of funny things that rhyme with numbers. Yeah, no, you're good, you're good. There's at least four and seven. There's an example of a number? Do something for that chance. Okay, he died in 1867.

He was not buried in the churchyard, so therefore will not go to heaven. Underlined. Oh, people were like, oh, metrically it wasn't very good. It rhymed, though, didn't it? Who are you? The guy who did this grave, you peasants. So that's the story of the Phantom Thumb. Oh, wow, that was a good little story.

I like that. Oh, great. Especially generous applause, considering James got nothing for the opening story. Realised that. I realised that as I started clapping. People are not going to applaud. It was too sad.

It was a very sad story. And if you thought that was sad, well... I've got a tale of murder, but it happened about 200 years previous to that. That's fine. Fine. That's fine. Let's have a laugh.

Come on. Yes. Let's enjoy the fun crime of murder. In Moncaster Hall to this day, or Monle Castle, it's referred to as both online. I call it Moncastle. Save time. Oh, yeah. Moncastle.

Moncastle. Moncastle. Moncastle. Moncastle. Didn't actually save that much time. No, no. It was almost as long as the sausage was size. There is a portrait of the 16th century jester Thomas Skelton.

His surname is like someone trying to say skeleton and shave a few seconds off over the course of their life. Thomas Skelton. Some people say that he was the originator of the phrase tomfoolery. Because Tom, Tom Fool. Other people say he definitely wasn't tomfool had been a concept around for a long time can you think of any other examples of concepts that cannot be killed james sausages thank you thank you very much that's a good good point actually yeah yeah

very good left field now it's absolutely crucial j in the edit, take out the earlier riff. Yes, definitely. That makes no sense. The episode is just going to be the isolated of that guy saying sausages. So, yes, Thomas Skelton. Tom Skelton, he was a jester. And he was the jester to Sir Pennington. Now, either his first name is

Ferdinand or Alan. Shall we have a little vote on which one I should go with? Let's hear it for Ferdinand. There's a bit of wooing going on. Let's hear it for Alan. Yeah, he's Sir Alan. The Alans have it. The Alans have it. Yeah, so Thomas Skelton, he was the j The Allens have it. The Allens have it.

Yeah, so Thomas Skelton, he was the jester and he... Well, this is from the official website of Moncastle Castle, moncastle.org, and it's a lot less sinister than the other stories I've heard about him, but it says that he played pranks on people. He would sit underneath a chestnut tree that now bears his name. Were they moist pranks? That would be my...

How moist were the pranks, James? Funny you should say that. Because if people asked him for directions and he didn't like them, he'd send them off on a route that led to quicksand. What? Which is the very definition of moist.

Isn't it? It's not wet. It's not dry. It's moist. He's got us there. I was about to challenge that, but you're right. Quicksand's moist. Yep.

And to this day, little humorous little things seem to go wrong in the castle, like people's equipment gets turned off. Oh, it's the curse of Alan striking you, James. That's not Alan. Sorry, that's Alan's jester. Oh, I'm sorry. Thomas Skelton.

Tom Fool. Tom Fool Skelton. The original Tom Foolery. But the much more salacious story is the story that I'm going to tell you now. So, Sir Alan had a daughter called Hellwise. Nice. H-E-L-W-I-S-E. I don't think there's any other way of pronouncing that right.

It's Hellwise. Hellwise? Hellwise. Well, she fell in love with a local carpenter. The way that happened was she sneaked out to a dance dressed as a shepherdess. And a local guy cracked onto her wild will of Whitbeck. The original WWW.

But instead she copped off with a carpenter dick. Simply his name. She fell in love with this carpenter. But a local knight wanted to marry her, and he heard off WWW that she was copping off with this other guy with this carpenter. Oh, so the first guy who tried to chat her up starts spreading rumours about her.

Awful, terrible behaviour. And the knight, or Sir Alan, went to Tom for assistance in getting rid of this carpenter. Why would you get a jester involved at this point? Well... I can't think of a single murder plot that would be... I cannot think of a single murder plot that would be improved by the inclusion of a jester.

That's the sentence I was trying to say. I could think of plenty. It would be way more fun. You know, tapping the balloon way more fun to you know tap in the balloon and then knife you know the balloon you know the balloon well the bladder on a stick the bladder on a stick so while you're looking at that you don't see the blade but you do hear the jingling of bells that's the last thing you hear and tom went along with this because that carpenter owed him money. So he already didn't like the carpenter.

And so Thomas Skelton lured the carpenter to the castle, saying that Hellwise wanted to meet. So, so far it's so safe by the bell. But it turns. Because the jester... Who's Screech. I see him as a Screech character. Very much a Screech figure. He got the chippy drunk

on very strong cider and then took the carpenter's own chisel and mallet yeah decapitated with a chisel you're gonna be there for a fortnight with a chisel and a mallet i mean even once you've got through, you're like, all right, back out. Yeah. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. It's disgraceful, isn't it? It's going to take ages.

It's more like an alternative to comedy. Get a saw. You don't have saws. You would think, actually, a carpenter would have a saw. You'd think. Then he, there's two stories. He either took the head to the knight or Sir Alan, or he...

And this is the quote from Thomas Skelton. I have hid Dick's head under a heap of shavings, and he will not find that so easily when he awakes as he did my shillings. Mm, right. I mean, you can't say anything nowadays, can you? I guess that was really funny. As post-decapitation humour goes... It's laboured.

Mmm. Yeah. And to this day, you still hear the sound of a body being dragged down the stairs. Thud, thud, thud. And the wailing of Hellwise mourning her love. And the chiselling. And probably some chiselling.

A little bit of chiselling, a little bit of neck chiselling. Just the tinkle of bells. With each chisel. Blink, chink, chink. And a little jingle. Cha-ching. Blink, bling, bling. Jingle.

Yeah. It's hard to describe in an audio medium there. It's very difficult to do three sounds at once. Yeah, it really is. Chisel. Chisel, mallet, jingly bells. Yeah's very difficult to do three sounds at once. Yeah, it really is. Chisel. Chisel, mallet, jingly bells. Yeah, the squelch of carpenter flesh. Well, don't blame me.

I wasn't involved. No, we're just the messengers. Yeah. But yet there's plenty of ghosts at Moncaster Castle. In the tapestry room, you hear the sounds of rustling skirts. Now, I'm no Poir poro it's the tapestry room if you don't hear rustling in there i think that's what's weird and there's reports of unseen babies crying and a 3d shadow figure glides towards you and then vanishes that's cool yeah that's

3d oh futuristic yeah is it does they have like smells and they spray water on you as well like That's cool. Yeah, that's pretty cool. Ooh, 3D. Ooh, futuristic. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, is it? Does they have, like, smells and they spray water on you as well? I don't know if they have smell pots. Do they have smell pots? I don't think it's a 4D tapestry room. It'd be good if it was on, like, hydraulics so the whole room's like... Well, the opposite of that is staff say that visitors approach the door of the tapestry room and they hesitate as if fearful of venturing inside.

Is that because tapestries are quite boring? Yeah, I think that's just loads of people go up to the tapestry room. No, no, thank you. And yeah, Skelton's ghost is meant to be heard to this day doing pranks, hopefully a little more lighthearted than his final prank. Is it a prank to behead someone? I mean, it's a closer. I'm not saying...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't know. It's very hard to follow. Yeah, you don't want to follow Skelter. Yeah, you wouldn't do that as a middle spot. No, no, no, no, no. It's sort of prop comedy, I suppose. But they still do... They have a competition to become the jester

of Moncastle Call and you win a wooden hat so you can enter a wooden hat a wooden hat and a year's supply of beer some genuine enthusiasm there I shouldn't have led with the hat there you go

that's the story of Sir Thomas Skelton, the murderous jester of Moncastle Clown. The evil jester. Yes. Was he the first evil clown? I feel like he might have been, the original, yeah. It's It from Stephen King's It.

Oh, no. I forgot about our pithy category. It's It from Stephen King's It. The greatest category known to man. Should we just get into the scores then? Let's just do some scores, yeah. Okay then. Well, first up,

I'm going to go supernatural. Well, I can't really remember any of the stories. There were... Basically, there was nothing supernatural about the horrible tale of kidnapping. Yeah, that was. But there is a magic bowl that's meant to tale of kidnapping. Yeah, that was. But there is a magic bowl that's meant to bring you luck. Yeah, oh yes, multiple bowls.

A bowl of vase and a trombone. Yeah. The triptych. Yep, yep, BVT, yep. My story had a phantom thumb. It was just really a ghost. It was the ghost of an idea of a thumb. Yeah.

We have the eternal sausage always with us. Yes, yes. That's quite, that's, you know, immortal, the immortal sausage. What do we think? I'm going to throw you to it. But then you've got the rustling tapestry room. Yeah. Then you've got...

It seemed quite supernatural as you were telling it, but now in summary, a pathetic showing, an insult to the people who've come. Thomas Skelton did pranks from beyond the grave which involved turning off equipment probably quite important equipment as well given his MO and it's bad luck to see a deer

in my story, that's quite supernatural what do we think law folk in the room out of five? it's very generous no support for the four three and a shake of heads over here It's very generous No support for the four there Three and a shake of heads over here Three

I think it is actually It's okay but I think it's three in a disapproving tone Yeah So it's a three And maybe you could have a little think James Yeah It's a pass No halves

We don't do halves We don't halves. We don't do halves. We don't do halves. We don't do halves. This guy halves. Get out. Get out of here. Get out of town. So category the second is naming.

There were some great names. There were some great names. Alan. Alan. Me, Ferdinand. The River Ian. The River. I think it's a five just on the basis of those two.

The two that I can remember. Hellwise. Hellwise. Hellwise. Yeah. Tom, the Tom Fool. Tom. Tom Skelton.

The Carpenter Dick. Yes, Carpenter Dick. Boyd in the Bag. Yeah, Count Herbert de Boyle. Yes. Herbert. Herbert de Boyle. Yes. Robert. Robert de Boyle. Constance Lestrange.

Constance Lestrange. Can I just give this a five? Yes. Okay, it's a five out of five for names, James. Great work. Thank you very, very much. So, my next category is not so lucky. Oh, because the looks are actually quite unlucky unlucky none of it has been lucky for almost

anyone involved yeah and even my examples of things that are lucky almost all of them were unlucky they weren't that lucky no no so so what was the category not so not so lucky i think it's pretty high yeah well it's four or five Yeah. Is it four or five? Four. Okay, it's four. A lot of people coming in hard on four there, James. Yeah, that's... I think it might be a three, actually, from the way they said four,

but let's go with four. Keep your fingers crossed. Thank you very much. And I think the final category has got to be the idea of a sausage. Really? Conceptual sausage. category it's got to be the idea of a sausage conceptual sausage yeah just the idea of sausage but i don't know if that can be captured in a number because it's it's infinite isn't it it could be captured in a number by a monumental mason if we made a little rhyme about it okay all right um so alright So is it five for the idea of sausage? Yes

Alright, surprising enthusiasm I thought you were going to have little tolerance for James' nonsense there But he's won you around again with his charm and charisma I hate when he uses that Yes uses that yes um the um the the the concept of a sausage is always alive and that's why this category deserves the number five put that on my gravestone don't put that on my gravestone it will confuse me even in my i'm gonna i going to put it on your gravestone. Don't put that on the gravestone. 12 people don't live as long, so I should outlive you by two inches.

And I'm going to put it on your gravestone. But two inches is not long. It's not long. You've got to get it done before the funeral. I'm going to be hurrying. It's going to be a real sort of heist situation. I might get a team together. Might get a jester involved.

Clink, clink, because they're good. Evidently they're good on the old dink, dink, dink. How's your chiselling? I haven't chiselled in a long time. Or at all, because I'm a jester. Well, you've got to learn quickly. We should say our thank yous. First of all, I to say a thank you to

Jemima to Lindsay's Jemima for some flapjacks I got a gift, look at that I got a Back to the Future mug given the nature of these stories I'm terrified of dropping it and I have some flapjacks which I've been forbidden from sharing

with the room and I'm going to eat all of myself. Sorry, I don't make the rules. There's for me. And thank you very much to Kieran, who's been doing the live streaming stuff. Thank you, Kieran. Thank you very much to Bill Murray for having us.

Thank you very much to you for coming. Thank you, law folk. Good evening. Good evening. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Well done. I really enjoyed that, James.

You know what? An idea has just occurred to me. We should do another live show. We are. What? On the 31st of October, 2023. 2023. A.k.a. Halloween. Come to the 31st of October 2023? 2023. AKA Halloween. Come to the Cheerful Airful Podcast Festival 2023.

2023. And James, please tell me tickets are available via the internet. Oh, perhaps they are. Oh, marvellous. There isn't a boost credits for this one, but if you want more material, go to our YouTube, and you can see the whole video of this, and see how inept we are in real life.

And again, I entreat you, if you want to see how really, really, really inept we are in real, real life, come to the Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival 2023. 2023.