Loremen Podcast - S5 Ep7: Loremen S5Ep7 - Halloween Live: Hereward the Wake

Episode Date: November 2, 2023

As part of the Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival, James and Alasdair take to the stage on the spookiest night of the year. We meet the Saxon bad-boy Hereward the Wake, and ask - at what point does putting heads on spikes stop being a hobby and start being a job?  Accompanied by a fine bunch of Lorefolk (hand-picked like the spookiest of Scottish kale) James tells a story featuring way too many Mission Impossible rubber masks and more Normans than you can shake a spike at. (The French kind of Normans, not the Hale or Pace type). You can watch the entire stream in glorious 'technically-colour' on our YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwwVok7Tb7g

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. Happy Halloweek! The week of Halloweek! Oh yes, happy Halloweek. happy Halloween Happy Halloween to those who celebrate We did a live show It was another live, yes

We were joined by a select bunch of the spookiest teens available The creme de la brulee Slightly too select, really I mean, we had room for a few more Sorry, it's fine Thank you for coming Yeah, thanks, actually, folks So what was the tale, James?

It was the tale of Herowood the Wake Ooh, Halloween Halloween indeed I got a good spooky story for today And it's less spooky than I would have hoped, but it is full of daring do. And I don't know what daring is. I think it's a type of herring. It is an archaic form of daring.

Is it? Yes. A daring do? Which is why a lot of people say daring do, but those people are fools. Modern fools. And we despise them. I mean, the kind of people who listen to this podcast are like it's actually daring it's an archaic version of daring i don't even know why

i'm here they all have this information already is that like how like darren brown is a it's just it's an archaic version of darren brown yes his name actually is darren brown he changed it to an archaic yes as me and all of these people know, Darren is a... People are nodding. Darren is a strange... It's a stage name. His given name was Darren Brown.

Is Darren a real name at all? It is now. Is that another trick he's pulling on us? Guys, are you ready for a kind of pretty spooky story? Make it realistic. Well, you're in luck, actually, folks, because I've got a story. Phew. I'm going to crack on with it. Do you remember Edric the Wild?

Yes. And we teased his contemporary, Heriwood the Wake. Heriwood the Wake. Heriwood the Wake. Am I saying that right? Heriwood the Wake. It's either Hediwood or Heriwood the Wake. Okay. The Wake's always the same. It's like Darren Darren, basically. saying that right herald of the wake it's either heavy wood or header wood the wake okay the wake's always the same it's like darren darren basically yeah it's an archaic version of heavy wood

and wake is an archaic version of woke but he too was a historical figure and he has also got some legendary tales built up around him he was knocking around in the billy the conch times billy conks billy conks so we're talking we're talking 1066 we're talking sorry sussex sussex i'm gonna get that county right please learn where hastings is before we record so and these stories were written within 80 years of his death. So these are probably a little bit closer to fact than the other one, but not that much. My sources are Geoffrey Gamer's Histoire des Angles. Oh, yeah.

Which means the story of the Angle Englands. The story of the Englands. Are you translating it now as you read in your head? Live, live. Wow. And Gesta Heroade Saxonis. And then I'm getting bits wrong. Catherine Briggs, Dictionary of British Folklore

and Christ in a Hole. It's Christina Hole. Woo! Her. Oh, Christina Hole gets Woo! Woo! Her. Oh, Christina Hole gets a spontaneous, unprompted woo. We shabble on stage basically to nothing. We two alive people in front of you.

Is Christina Hole dead? Yeah, she died in the 90s. Ah, this is how you tell me. Oh, she was born in 1896 or something. Was she? Okay. 1897, 1898. I'm doing all these for the edit.

1895. Just say each number individually. 1895. Great. This is English folk heroes. This has got a better cover, though. This is witchcraft in Britain. Illustrated by Mervyn Peake off of Gormenghast.

Not the TV adaptation, which was bad. But the books, which were good. She's got mouths for eyes. Has she? I think so. Or her mouth's weird, and her eyes are also weird in a similar manner. No, they're trees. Are they?

Yeah. The eyes are trees, James. Oh, yeah, the eyes are trees. She's got trees for eyes. That's not spooky. It is spooky. It is spooky. You said, James, it's the kind of book that you would have to put face down so your kids don't see it.

Yes. It really is. It's proper Usborne book of ghosts spooky. The back of it has also got a really scary picture on it, but just slightly smaller. So you put it face down and then just pop a little coaster over it. Hopefully a square coaster, because a round coaster would reveal the corners of the scary image. Well, if you didn't like it in the room, imagine how it's going to sound on the podcast. They didn't even see it.

So, Hedewood is the son of Leofric, which means Friendly Kingdom, who was the Lord of Coventry. Friendly Kingdom? Friendly Kingdom, yeah. And his mum was Godiva. Yes, that one. Oh! And his mum was Godiva. Yes, that one.

Oh! Who rode through Coventry protesting the bad taxes put forth by her husband, Leofric. She protested her own husband's taxes? Yeah. I don't know anything about the story apart from the nakedity. Yes, the nakedity was... She protested her own husband's bill? Yes. Yes. Yes.

It's just one of those weird protests, like Spider-Man trying to get on top of the town hall. It's just, it's confusing. A naked Spider-Man would be very confusing, because to be honest, how are you going to tell it's Spider-Man? Yeah. Not just a good climber. And unsurprisingly, Hedewood was a bit of a wayward son with these sort of parents

they're protesting each other's bills in his teens he and a bunch of his mates would collect by force his father's rents and tolls and then just keep the money so these terrible bills he was going and just stealing them no wonder he thought he needed more rent because he wasn't getting any because his son was stealing all the rent yeah what a family well he worked it out in the end and he petitioned the king to banish his own son the king was how did he persuade the king to do that in the usual manner of being naked yeah probably yeah the king was edward the confessor by the way just just you know one of the main ones there yeah uh and i looked up and confessor refers to like his sort of piety and stuff like that it wasn't like a liar liar situation bound to tell the truth about everything like oh that was weird that when your wife rode around naked because of something you did that time

it wasn't like that he actually used to be one of England's national saints and I shed that in very odd wine he used to be one of England's national saints pre St George times I think that fact is worthy of the voice you did

while saying it thank you very much heraldic sidebar by the way just going back to King Edward I think that fact is worthy of the voice you did while saying it. Thank you very much. Oh, heraldic sidebar, by the way. Just going back to King Edward, he succeeded Cnut's son, by the way, who's called Horthacnut, which is very funny written down.

It's like you've stubbed your toe. Horthacnut. Yes. And yeah, after this, all his friends, Hetherwood's friends abandoned him, apart from one, Martin Lightfoot, which is a cool name. These characters are coming and going really, really fast, like the start of a heist movie. Well. Do I have to remember all these names?

Not so many. Okay. Then he went to Scotland, to the court of, hmm of Gisbert of Kent of Ghent. I'm not sure if it's a hard G or a soft G. It's either Gisbert of Ghent or Gisbert of Gent.

It all sounds I mean like a night out. And here and this is mentioned in almost all versions of the story, he I mean like a night out and here and this is mentioned in almost all versions of the story he slew a huge Norwegian bear and that is all

the detail anyone ever goes into in Scotland a tourist bear polar bear the one version that slightly goes into more detail reveals that it was a caged polar bear. Much less impressive. That's rude, isn't it?

Yeah! First of all, you've locked up a visiting bear. Second of all, someone's just come up and killed it. Gee is it Bert. You need to run your court better. And Heriwood drew the envy of noble youths because of his derring do, Darren do. noble youths because of his daring do darren because it was darren too which is a haircut like darren's do you know what i discovered i don't know about you when we were in school people had like coke can fringes so you'd have pretty much a grade one across i say you not me i look like this um but you'd have almost all your hair shaved,

but your fringe you would keep, and they would sort of gel it into an arc, like a waterfall. And we called it a Coke can fringe, because if you did it the proper way, it had the- You could keep the Coke can. The circumference, like a holder, yeah.

You could hold the Coke, if you did it that way, it would just be a handy place. James, you've leapt ahead of me. No. In fact, I was back in the north recently, and the young lads have all got the inverted Coke can fringe. They've got really short hair and then a really long swooping fringe, but this time it curves upwards towards God's light. Oh, good.

Finally, finally the northeast. Yeah. You've accepted the power of God to hold a Coke can in your hand. I mean, maybe one of those mini ones. Maybe one of the little ones, like a party one. Yeah. So back to the story. So back to the story.

Just a little fringe aside. That's a good one. Thank you. So he basically had to leave Scotland. He went to work for a Cornish lord called Aleph. And he got involved in a love triangle down there as we all do in Cornwall and so the daughter of Aleph loved the son of the Irish king and uh he Heddaward would transport letters back and forth between the two oh so when you say he's in a love triangle

oh no he's facilitating a love triangle right yeah he's Oh, no, he's facilitating a love triangle. Right. Yeah. So he's not one of the points of the triangle. No, I said... He's the hypotenuse of a love triangle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's this love triangle's isosceles. Okay. Don't challenge him on that. We know maths.

We know maths. Yeah. Just leave it. Don't say anything or think anything. Yeah, and... But Aleph, the dad, he wanted her to marry a different Cornish lord and it got as far as the wedding,

it got as far as the wedding day and Hedewood really ruined the wedding by dressing up in dark clothes being unrecognizable and just sort of sitting in a sulk like a goth yeah just being really grumpy at the wedding who is that goth at this wedding it's ruining it for me i'm trying to do a cornish accent it became it became more cornish yeah as it went on i I liked it. You're Cornish, right? A bit. Yeah. What do you think of the accent? Okay.

Now in the Cornish language, that's the highest compliment they can pay. As good as it gets on the peninsula. So yeah, he's grumpy at this wedding. He basically causes a massive blood bath by having a sulk because they pass around a cup and he's at some point decided that he will never drink from a cup unless it's handed to him directly by the daughter of this lord.

So he doesn't drink from the cup. And everyone's like, who's this grumpy goth at this wedding? Someone challenges him and he kills them. And then he kills basically everyone there. Right, so when you said he spoils it by dressing in black, really it was the murder that... For me, that's the point

where it tips over. Yeah, no, but if he hadn't have... If he hadn't have gone in disguise and been really grumpy, then Aleph would have known who he was and just gone, oh, that's just Heriwood being Heriwood.

And it would have been fine. But no. I don't know. To to some extent if you're fooled by someone just wearing black you have to take some responsibility you're gonna need to get on board with that for this story all right okay so he killed them all apart from the daughter took her to ireland worked for the irish court for a little bit at this this point, though, 1066 happens. Right, yeah. And we all know what that means. Sussex.

Kent. Ghent. Sussex. Sussex. Billy the Conk. Sorry. No, it's not bidding. We're not having a county bidding war.

Calm down. The Palacios County of Durham durham no is that right did i get the words in the right order there were some sounds in there yeah that's a cornish blood i would say so he's like right i've got to get back to england i've got to sort things out he sets off in his boat and he gets blown off course and lands in Flanders. That's quite badly off course. I don't know if you know where Ireland is. It's a long way from Flanders.

And where England is and where Flanders is. That's a big storm. So basically he ends up in Flanders. He starts working for the local lord. Does some more fighting. I mean, this his cv at this point fighting yeah yeah the cv is just went there killed a lot of people and the respect of everyone and what were you doing in this period uh storm that was a storm yeah you can see there's a bit of a gap in your cv between ireland and uh fl. What happened there? Big storm.

The biggest. Finally, he gets back to Lincolnshire. And this is the tale that I'm going to end this first section of How to Read About on. Now, wait a minute. You can never have too many prepositions. We'll choose whichever one is grammatical in the edit. Yeah. too many prepositions we'll choose whichever one is grammatical in the edit yeah so he gets back to lincolnshire disguises himself for reasons that are unexplained and he goes into a house and he finds the people in there quite upset and they're saying that the castle's been taken over

by normans the french army people you're just explaining for that table yeah he's disguised in this household they're like it's really bad the normans have come here they've taken over the castle used to belong to that hereward guy hereward's mother's getting harassed by normans the army um again and again hereward's little brother has stood up and slain two normans so the rest of the normans the army have got together and they've beheaded hereward's brother and popped his head above the castle gates. He's not going to like that. He killed an entire wedding party for no reason. So I dread to think what he's going to do in this situation.

He was not happy. He revealed his costume and was like, I'm Heroard and you're right, I am upset about this. And I'm going to do something about it i'm just gonna have a quick nap first because i'm tired because of the storm etc and he led down uh and he's just drifting off and then he hears like the sound of music not the film just explaining for that table thanks good catch and he wakes up and he's like what's that noise what's going on and it's the castle and they're celebrating and having a big party because they've just killed his brother he's very human so what he does he gets his mate martin martin lightfoot Martin, Martin Lightfoot, and they sneak up to the castle. They take big, long, black cloaks with them, and they disguise themselves,

and they hide in the shadows of the porch of the castle. They call it a porch. Where everyone's shoes are. Yes. This is a no-shoes castle. That's fine. And that's fine if that's their choice, and they let people know when they come in. I've got no shoes castle that's fine and that's fine if that's their choice and they let people know when they come in i've got no problem with it by the way they're they're listening in and

the people are partying there's there's a minstrel and he's singing very rude songs about the brother that heads on the outside of the castle because it's been taken off of the body which is a very polite way of saying he's beheaded and he's put on a spike i'm he thinks that bar has spat his last bar well one of the women there who was from the castle is like guys you know the brother of the person you kill this hero at the wake his cv is just i've got it here but it'll take about 20 minutes to read there was a storm don't worry about it. You want to watch yourselves. And the Norman knight, self-explanatory that time, right,

is like, go on, sing some more. Go on. And gets the minstrel to sing even more boardier songs about it. And the minstrel starts singing. And then all of a sudden, one of the shadows detaches itself from the wall and draws a sword and slays that Norman down. Yeah.

It was Heroid. The shadow was Heroid. The shadow, because he had his black cloak on and he'd snuck in pretending to be a shadow. I think it would have been better if he'd been the jester.

It would have been a lot more, it would have been way more surprising and a lot more like Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. What I'm doing is improving your and a lot more like Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. What I'm doing is improving your story and I'm improving Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. Funnily enough, they do say a lot of the bits of the legend of Hedderwood ended up in the film Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves.

Really? No, in the Robin Hood legends, the Robin Hood legends in general. Him and Martin slay 15 of the Norman knights. Well, that's less than he killed at the wedding. Stick their heads up on the outside. That's a lot of heads to stick up. Yeah, they're getting through a lot of blue tack. Isn't it?

Well, yes, that ends part one. That was merely part one. Yeah, give it part one. I take it, James, from your subtle nod to me that that means you'd like me to tell some Scottish Halloween superstitions. Oh, yes. Cornish accent.

Superstitions. Let's talk bogles. Oh, yes. What you gonna do when they come for you, bogles? What do you mean, bogle? this comes from our friend of the podcast cuff that beads history of argyle which i referenced in the kelpies of guitar episode a few weeks ago i remember a highlander was benighted on the moors when suddenly he saw a light which at first he imagined to be one of those two stars called by the Argyle Sherman,

Fiery Tail and Guide of Night. But soon he found he was mistaken for the light began to dance before him, being nothing more than the Ignis Fatuous, Will-o'-the-Wisp. The Highlander, however, concluded it to be a Bogle. So a Bogle is the Scottish version. I think it's the origin of Boogie Man and Boyman, as we correctly pronounce it in this country, as well as boken and bokeyn. And he begins to call upon every power he can think of to free himself from the grasps, the clutches of the will-o'-the-wisp. James, in that situation, who are you going to call? Bogle busters? Close. No. I'll give you another chance if that situation, who are you going to call? Uh, Bogal Busters?

Close. No. I'll give you another chance if you want. Who are you going to call? Ghost Bus Tour? Ghost Bus Tour. Like a bus tour. You know in Edinburgh there's a Ghost Bus Tour?

Do they know? I hope they know. They must know. But I don't think they do. Well, you were close. It's the Duke of argyle he calls upon um saint peter and paul and the virgin which i assume means mary and none of it works and and eventually he says he commands the the spirit to leave in the name of the duke of argyle and it's like oh duke of argyle's on my case, it's gone. I think it only works in Argyle,

but if you're in Argyle and you're menaced by a bogey, call upon the Duke of Argyle. So we'll be getting on to Ray Parker Jr. to have the song updated, to say who you're going to call Ghostbusters, or if you're in Argyle, the Duke of Argyle.

Cuthbert Bede goes on to quote, in Gaelic, the bogle is best known as the Bodach. And Mr. J.F. Campbell in his popular Tales of the West Highlands, Volume 4, when speaking of the Halloween observances, which, by the way, were witnessed by the Queen at Balmoral, at Balmoral on November the 1st, 1869, different Queen. Probably. With their bonfires and blazing torches observes it seems that the ancient eastern veneration for the sun and for fire which is recorded in the vedas still survives in the

west highlands in popular superstitious observances which resemble ind Indian religious ceremonies. Perhaps Bodak the Bogle may once have been Buddha the Sage. Now, I'm not an anthropologist. I have no expertise in this area. That's nonsense. 100% that's not true. I put money on it right now. Absolutely no way is the Scottish bogeyman also the Buddha. They just both begin with B, you maniac.

It was so easy to write books in the old days. You could just notice the same letter and be like, maybe that's the same. Chapter two. Is the bogle the Burger King? Is it also the Burger King? The bogle. Just because it begins with B.

Perhaps it could be. Perhaps it could be. Perhaps it could be. That's the good thing about perhaps, isn't it? You can say anything. Cuthbert B. goes on to tell a spooky story that I'm afraid I have to apologise

turns out quite sweet. Aww. Do you reckon you can handle that? But it's quite spooky. So it seems that the young people of Glen Lusser, which is a river, don't confuse it with Glen L lussa which is a river don't confuse it with glen loose which is a village

in the region of wig town shire wig what i knew i wasn't gonna get that past you wig town shire wigton shire wigton shire wigton shire but it's scottish's like Wigtonshire. Wigtonshire? Wigtonshire. Yeah. Wigtonshire. What? We're not there. We're not there. We're near Glen Lusser, which is on the peninsula of Kintyre. And the young people there had many a tradition around Halloween, all of which centered around working out who they were going to marry.

The main one, of course, was was kale pulling we're talking about kale the cabbage you've heard of that the most romantic vegetable yeah the lads and lasses would would join hands with one another blindfold themselves and wander into the cane fields and just just pull out a stalk of kale you spooky teens what mischief will you go up with i mean at this point essentially it's farming but but then the nature of that stalk of kale would make a prediction about their future if it were if it was and they used the word sweet i'm not sure any cabbages are really sweet it was sour or sweet crooked or straight if it came up with a big clod of earth that meant that they were to be rich and if it came up bedangling it meant that they would be poor there would be light of purse after that of course they would play at cracking and burning

the nuts which again what again is a practice of divination we're talking about the the edible kind of nuts james okay then i don't know what they did there. What do they mean, though? What does it mean? The cracking of the nuts. The turning of the shirts is even more baffling. Hello. What you had to do was dip your shirts

in a dead and living ford, which is a river that has been crossed by a funeral procession. And young men, yeah? A dead and living ford. Not a car. And then they would hang their clothes to dry over a bonfire and and simply wait wait until the spirit of their future wives would emerge from the dampness to go oh these aren't going to dry

and rearrange them you've hung them up really badly and we we're in Scotland. And they would turn the shirts over. So the youths in Glenlost had tried all the usual ones, the cracking and burning of the nuts, the turning of the shirts, et cetera. And when they had tried these and several other games and had used charms and words in order that they might dream or see something by which they might know their fortune, they got to egg dropping oh you

gotta drop them now we immediately skip on as if we the reader all know what that is is it a reverse egg apple bottling with eggs which is much easier where you spit an egg into a bucket there's clearly i i don't know um there's clearly water involved because then one of the girls filled her mouth with the water in which the eggs had been dropped and went out quickly to run around the house now it's not clear to me if this is standard egg dropping and everyone's going yep that's just what you do with egg dropping someone fills their mouth with the water that the eggs have been dropped into and runs around the house

or if everybody's looking at each other like what's wrong with Caitlin why is she being like this oh it has to be the center of attention so she ran around the house

mouth full of egg water who hasn't come on in our younger days when trying to divine our lover. Is it divine our lover? Is that what they're trying to do? In general, yes.

As she was pegging around the house, she met a stranger who was dressed in a soldier's uniform who said to her, did you see John? The girl, yeah, it's not that scary. I can try it in Gaelic if you want. I'm fucker to yen. I beg your pardon.

I'm fucker to yen. Okay. Ian, Ian. I can try it in Gaelic if you want. I beg your pardon. I beg your pardon. Okay. Ian, Ian. It's just Ian. Ian, Ian. It's just the name Ian. It is just the name Ian, really. The girl was terrified, for she knew well that there was no soldier at that time in Glenluss,

and she darted back into the house and told what she had seen, a spectre. Then they all ran out to see the stranger, but no soldier was there, although they searched everywhere and were unable to find the person who had spoken to the girl. They took it to be a ghost, and basically nothing was talked about, because not a lot happens in Glen Lusser for several weeks.

But the winter passed away, and talk moved on to other things, and the girl began to forget almost that she had seen a ghost until one day in the market at campbell town she saw some soldiers landing from a ship they'd come all the way from the east indies where they'd served for many years and as they marched up the main street from the key who should be at their head but the very soldier whose ghost had appeared to her on halloween yes with an apostrophe. Hello Ian. Hello Ian? Hello John. Are you disappointed by that twist? I thought it was gonna be Ian. Ian is John. What? It's the Gallif version of John. But who's the

ghost? John. Ian slash John. So he says, have you seen me? Shut up, you're ruining it, James. Yeah. It was him. His name was John. In fact,

he turned out to be the cousin of a friend of hers. That's nice. So that's convenient. So there's an in. It's like, oh, you know, your cousin's with my friend. Oh, small world.

So it's not surprising based on the ghost thing and the cousin banter that they quickly fell in love. He had a little bit of money saved from no doubt respectable behaviour in the East Indies. Yikes. Yikes. We don't have to think or worry about that.

They did not long keep company, but were married and had settled in Glenlusser before the next Halloween. Oh, Halloween. that they did not long keep company but were married and had settled in glenlusser before the next halloween oh hello ian so yeah so that's the some some scottish traditions that i um don't know what they were yeah but we know the names of them and that's enough in a way so back to hennaward after that bit we killed all them Normans the army put the 15

head spikes on the thing people start hearing about him 15 he's getting a bit of a

movement about him people are joining him but other people are hearing about him

the Normans the army and they are getting angry with him he ends up holed up on

the Isle of Ely the Isle of Ely you may have remembered it from an earlier episode where we called it the Isle of Ely. The Isle of Ely. You may remember it from an earlier episode where we called it the Isle of Eli. And thank you very much, everyone, for your emails.

It's the Isle of Ely, and it's surrounded by boggy marshland. And the Normans were trying to ride up to it, and their horses kept getting stuck in the bogs and drowning. And it says kept, so they did it more than once. So what they did, they came up with a cunning plan. They tried to build a big dike out of earth and wood in order to dam up the water, to drain some of the bog.

The problem with these places, these highly defensible spots, is that it would be rubbish to live there. Because you're in the middle of nowhere surrounded by a bog. But no one can get to you, but you have to live there. So it's a double-edged sword. And even like your Amazon deliverer, they're just going to pretend that they've tried. That's just a photo of it sinking into the bog. That's an Amazon horse.

So what they did, yeah, they made this dike and they got to the, they finished it. All the builders knock off for the night, apart from one who lingers back and pulls back his hood. Not another disguise. It's heroin the way.

What? And he gets his Zippo lighter and sets fire to that dike and it burns down no that wouldn't happen because it's too damp it would be too damp

yes well he did it well he did it did he because he didn't because it would be too wet well he did he's in contact

with the river well it was him and he did do it but it's not realist well in the end Billy the Conk was so annoyed oh by the way for people who've never

heard the podcast before william the conqueror yes that is conqueror aka billy billy the conch he was not a believer in witchcraft or anything like that and this is where it actually has a spooky bit he employs a witch to try and get these ingles out these angles out these english just like the sheriff of nottingham yes Just like the Sheriff of Nottingham. Yes, just like the Sheriff of Nottingham in the film, Dances with Wolves. That's not right. Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves.

Yeah. I could see in your eyes the moment you went for the wrong film. Yeah. It was very weird. Before he said it, I was like, he's not going to say the title of the film. But I also can't remember it. So I can't help.

Robin Hood, The Postman. It would have been Waterworld after he knocked down that dike. That would have been like Waterworld. Kevin Costner would have been at home from the film Waterworld. Dancing with a wolf. Princing with a thief. I don't know. Tinning a cup.

These are all of the Kevin Costner films. J-F-ing a thief. I don't know. Tinning a cup. These are all of the Kevin Costner films. JF-ing a cave. That's tickled me. Right. Billy the Conk, William the Conqueror. Do not like witchcraft. You didn't believe in witchcraft. Even that Halley's Comet thing,

which is the Halley's Comet is supposed to have passed over before the Battle of Hastings wherever it was and nobody really knows it's a mystery no one can never know yeah he didn't really

believe in witchcraft but in the end he employed a witch from France got us shipped in oh he wouldn't use one of our English witches no

wouldn't trust him no he got them brought over I like this because it's like he's a tough detective who's been he's a tough detective who's been paired with a partner.

And they're like chalk and cheese, James. But they need to solve this case. Yes. And that's the one thing they agree on. They're like chalky cheese. This cheese is chalky. So she lodged in Brandon, which is a place. Not a character from a 90s TV drama. she was staring at this bmb with this lady who was

widow who was who was known in the area that she let people stay at her house she basically ran a bmb is it a long-winded way of saying it there's another case of i'm miming a hood being no no no she was she was like is she about a mission impossible fake face herself she was just a normal traitor and okay

and also staring at this B&B was a potter some dopey Saxon traveller

selling his wares wherever he could this guy couldn't even speak French let's let our guard down around him. They did, and they spoke about their plans in French

in front of this dopey Saxon potter. J'avais un plan. Oui. I have... Méchant. I have... I did look up some French things. Yeah.

Triton. What's that? Newt. You looked up the word newt? Newt. That's not? Newt. You looked at the word newt. Newt. That's not going to come up in a plot. A newt. Where is the newt?

Why would they be saying? Because she's a witch. Oh, right. Yeah, I forgot she was a witch. I completely forgot she was a witch. She wouldn't have been able to get those bits through customs. So she's going to have to source them. She'd have to work with English newts.

Yeah. It's like, oh, they don't. It's not the same. Where? You cannot get the newts here? No. It's because I'm after the I. The English cannot cook a newt. We're not making fun of the French language.

Just the people. And that potter slipped away in the night after hearing that plan. He was, of course, head over the wake. For the listener, that sound effect is pulling off a... Yeah, an Impossible style face mask. Yes. Which he's taken one off every time.

Your face gets a lot wider when you put something like that on. So they should do it, but they should use CGI to make their faces really wide in the films every time when it's someone wearing a fake tom cruise in some of them there's someone wearing a fake tom cruise and then there's tom cruise wearing a fake someone else because they can't have a scene without tom cruise in it i think there's one with tom cruise is wearing a fake one who's wearing a fake tom cruise he's wearing three layers probably i haven't seen them all his face should fill the entire screen oh Oh, it does, though, doesn't it?

Anyway, at the battle the next day, the Normans had set the witch on a high wooden tower overlooking the battlefield, and she starts doing a French incantations, frinkantations, and as she gets to the, apparently to the third set of chants, Hereward motions to the English

and they set fire to all the reeds and they all catch fire. And all the Normans, they're baffled, there's smoke, there's fire. They start running around. They lose their way.

They fall in the marsh, in the bogs. They're drowning. So they're too hot and too wet now. At the same time. That's annoying. The tower catches on on fire the witch falls to her death and hereward has saved the day once again well himself yeah yeah yeah he ends up making peace with william ultimately after all this after all that well he's still got some people after him because he's made a lot of French enemies.

Frenemies. No, that's already a word. Sorry, we have to get rid of the old meaning of frenemies now. For French enemies. That's the archaic. I have way more French enemies than I have frenemies. You do now. Yeah, he eventually ultimately died hereward

he was at his house asleep and a bunch of French knights surrounded his house and broke in

he did manage to kill another 15 of them but he died putting their heads on spikes because it's just

too exhausting so strenuous no and his sword and lance broke are you telling me that they sent 16 knowing that 15 was his limit too exhausting so strenuous no and his sword and lance broke are you telling me that they sent

16 knowing that 15 was his limit they sent and then the last one was like dead well they sent 20 okay

round up yeah number 16 Ralph de doll as far as I can tell a human not a doll

Ralph yep that's what it says there da doll in your handwriting it says Ralph da doll so and Harry Wood's

one out of weapons at this point all he's got is his shield and he he frisbees the shield right in the guy's face I don't know why I looked in the line of the frisbee

so vivid the way you mind it. Yeah, and just as he does that, the other four, because remember there were 20 knights behind him, and they all stab him at once, all four of them with their lances, and he's deaded. Yeah. And that's the end of Heddaward the Wake. And they say that if there had been four men such as Herawood,

the Normans would have been destroyed. The people, no, the army. It was the army again. had if there had been four men such as hereward the normans would have been destroyed the people was the army again 60 normans would have been destroyed at a time though a go he could do more than 15 he just did 15 in a go yeah in units of 15 of 15. Yeah. Good story about a horrible, really, really violent man, James. He's one of England's heroes.

Is he? It turns out, yeah. Good thing all of our other heroes are great. No downsides. So good, you don't even need to look that up at all. Yeah.

So that's, that's them. That's the story of Hero with the Wake so thanks very much great story James thanks very much you ready to score me? yes I am

nice first category first category supernatural alright well mine had a ghost of a man

who wasn't dead and asked to see his own name he said you know john and it's like you are john and the ghost so that's quite rubbish frankly normally i don't judge my own stories but that's pa poor. And running around a house with a mouthful of egg water is hardly better. It's not natural, but it is. Take natural, but take supernatural. In your story, you've got a witch who's just about to bust out an incredible incantation when the natural forces of fire, gravity, and wet, the three elements, conspire to kill her.

So it's low, isn't it? It's as low as a witch in a bog. It's as low as a witch that's just fallen from a big wooden tower into a bog. And the pointy hat is going to make her penetrate the surface of the bog all the quicker. Yes. So she's going to go straight down.

Yeah, like the bottom of a swing ball. I'm with the audience member who said, what? That's Cornish for yes, good reference. Is the swing ball not... Oh, you mean the stick that a swing ball is attached to? Yeah, the sting ball set. This is classic dad business. We, the cool teens, when we think of swing balls,

we think of fun in the garden, playing with a swing ball. Whereas you, it's like, I suppose I'll get the swing ball out. I'm going to have to drive this into the ground. And then just try and sit having a minute's peace and quiet. Yeah, I wish I hadn't sat so near the swing ball. Shouldn't have sat within its radius. It's a one out of five for a Supernatural. Sorry, James.

On this hallow of eves, shame on you. But my second category is naming. Names. Yes. They were great. Da doll. Da doll. Da doll.

Gisbert. Gisbert. Gisbert from Gent. Gisbert from gent gisbert from gents yeah even harrow with the wake is pretty good nut yes canute half the nut his son if you're not that hungry pop the rest in the fridge what What was that? Tor Frida was his wife. Yes.

The French for toad is crap-o. I like that. Bonjour, Monsieur Crap-o. So I think it's pretty good. I think it's, yeah,

I think it's a four out of five. Okay, solid. Do we agree? Great. Yeah, fair enough. Because there's no time for democracy. We used to do loads of voting when we started,

but the general zeitgeist has moved on. It's like, democracy is passe. I'll just decide. I just need a Cornish noise. Then next category is... It's not worth dying for. Great category, James. What does it mean?

Can I just say objectively a great category? Well, you know, it puts me in mind of Brian Adams' hit song. Oh, The Summer of Brian Adams.

Which I believe was called Don't Tell Me It's Not Worth Dying For. Does anyone want to correct me on what it was called? I think there were some brackets in there, but yeah. I think it was called

Don't Tell Me, brackets, It's Not Worth Dying For. Sure. Brackets, Brian Adams. Asterix from Robin Hood. Tink up. From Robin Hood bracket, Prince of Fish. Bracket Prince bracket.

It was one of the most bracketed number ones of all time. And that's why I was in there for so long. Because they bought the brackets and they were like, we're just going to have to keep these. Cut that. Cut that. because they bought the brackets and they were like we're just gonna have to keep these cut that cut it cut it just a reminder i think that's a great category thanks no time to go into what it means no reason to no reason to think about it. Well, no, they take a lot of... I came up with it, just to be clear, in case we edit that bit out.

It was my idea. I think it's a really good category, better than the category suggested by the law folk. Ah. Yep. And it's five out of five. Yes. Which is a judgment both on the story

and on what a good category it was. Yeah, a great category. Great category. Okay, final category. Normally we keep the best category for last, so it's weird that you have done it in this order. It is a mask of Tom Cruise on a spike. Which sounds more threatening than it was meant to be

yeah it's a hate crime really what you described it's very threatening it's some historical figures and and they're on a spike and they're wearing one of their mission impossible masks what's happened here is you've tried to please everybody and i've really and i've really not pleased one person in particular. The suggestions were, I think, numbers of heads on spikes. Yes. A very good strategic choice because there's loads. Yes.

And Tom Cruise masks. An extremely weird suggestion. But it encapsulates the... Oh, it captured the spirit of the story, absolutely. Tom Cruise. There was a strong element of disguise in the story. A recurring element of disguise. the story. A recurring element of disguise. Okay, all right.

There's a head on a spike and you think it's Herowood's head and then you go up and you pull it off and it's not. It's a bloomin' Norman the Army man.

Well, I mean, part of me really wants to give it a low score to sort of stick it to the audience. What? But I am actually, I've been yelling

a little bit. you know i i should be a little bit more grateful thank you for coming out um on halloween i mean none of you look like you were invited to parties but still you might have decided this is sorry i made myself laugh this is sorry I made myself laugh at my own cruel talk Cornish Cornish for charm

it's five out of five yes it's five out of five to try and win back a little bit of the audience's approval which was thanks folks

not an enthusiastic round of applause there I'm so sorry please keep listening to the podcast bye done Please keep listening to the podcast. Bye. Done. James, I was being quite unruly towards the end there.

Can I say you handled it very maturely. Thanks, actually. Yeah, you were very mature. You're a credit to the school, James. I've been very impressed with your autumn, I're very mature. You're a credit to the school, James. I've been very impressed with you all term, I have to say. Thanks. Do you want to plug the Patreon? Yes.

Yes. Get extras at patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod. Do you want to tell the listener about your extracurricular activities? I mean the Patreon. I was trying to do the best with it. Yes. If you mean the Patreon. I was trying to do the... That's weird. Yes, if you join the Patreon,

you'll get access to the Law Folk Discord and you just get to chat to other law folks. They're blooming lovely. It's a Cornish noise that means rude king.