Loremen Podcast - S5 Ep9: Loremen S5 Ep9 - The Hereford Revenant (AKA The Welsh Zombie Vampire Wizard)

Episode Date: November 16, 2023

The Loremen meet a quadruple threat. This kid is no mere zombie vampire wizard. He's Welsh too. James brings in the story of a Hereford revenant who had simply too much going on. This tale is taken from Witchcraft in Britain by "Christ in a hole", it's Christina Hole. And from the writings of 12th century historians/liars William of Newburgh and Walter Map. (Do check out Wally's pic on Wikipedia. So cheeky!) LoreBoys nether say die! Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 @loremenpod youtube.com/loremenpodcast www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. Oh, Alistair. Yes, James? It's a real doozy today. Is it indeed? Yeah. to beckett king oh alistair yes james it's a real doozy today is it indeed yeah it comes from friend

of the show christ in a hole it's christina holes witchcraft in britain a banger of a book by all accounts james i often think that the the title of a story is very important yes what is the name of your tale today it's a welsh zombie vampire wizard. The Welsh zombie vampire wizard? Yeah, the very same. The Welsh zombie vampire wizard? Yeah, I'm sure there can't be many. The minute you're hearing a lot of people with colds on podcasts, and I think it's like, I think that you've probably got COVID there.

Mm, maybe. But you're sounding better, James. Ohames oh much better i think there's still a little something but yeah it's broadly workable i'm glad you've recovered pardon i'm glad you've recovered glad you're feeling better i thought you said i'm you're glad i'm in a cupboard i'm glad you're in a cupboard i i know that you are in a cupboard but yeah that's that's why it threw me glad i'm sad you're in a cupboard it's a nice cupboard it's got all the second tier duvet covers oh what tog are we talking oh no just the covers oh i'm sorry i've made a fool of myself actually we have one of them double duvets it's getting to the point actually where i need to crack that out you know when you have a duvet and then it's got a mate that velcros to it to double the tog?

I know very well. Yeah. We've got, I don't know if this is too fascinating, so stop me if it becomes too interesting. We've got one which is different togs on either side. What? So that...

How does that work? So that to choose a pronoun at random, he could have a tog which is thicker than her to choose a second pronoun at random. Oh, you mean like left and right sides? James, there's nothing stopping you rotating it by 90 degrees. This is a free country. I thought you meant like side heads and tails. And that also doesn't make sense.

But you could have that. I mean, the only alternative would be to put it on the diagonal axis of symmetry, like like toast but why would you want the bottom right corner of the bed warm ridiculous i don't think i'm making i'm i mean i'm not going to make sense when i do make sense ironically please go ahead i'm i thought you meant like imagine so we've used the bread analogy kind of because it's toasty imagine cheese on toast i'm imagining it i thought you meant you had different toasty. Imagine cheese on toast. I'm imagining it. I thought you meant you had different togs for the cheese and the toast. That makes no sense at all. How could you even do that?

They would be cumulative, James. Unless little funnels. Could you have funnels? No, you couldn't. No. Wait a minute. Also, copyright this next bit. Pop this next bit on a tape and mail it to me.

What brilliant idea have you just had? If you had a duvet, right, and its fibres were made up of little funnels so that when you wanted it warm, you put it on so you had loads and loads of little hats, side up funnels. Yes. And then to be cool. To be cool. To be cool, yeah be cool, to be, to be cool.

Yeah. To call yourself, you'd flip it over. So it was like trumpets blasting the heat away from you. Would that, would that work? I mean, I'm no scientist.

That's shocking to me. I guess, I guess we'll never know unless you find an investor for your hat trumpet duvet. The last thing I would want to do is trample on your creativity by saying that that definitely would not work. So let's find out. Let's get in the lab. Hi, James. Less talk of duvets, because I will have already teed up this story with the title, and people are going to be itching to get to it, because this is, of course, the tale of the Welsh zombie vampire wizard. Of course it's the Welsh zombie vampire wizard. How could it not be? How did it take us this long?

Who and what is the Wuzvw? Yeah, okay. The Wuzvw? Wuzvw? Hmm. Wuzvoo. I was flicking through, friend of the show, Christ in a Hole. It's Christina Holes, Witchcraft in Britain.

And as I mentioned last week, every page is a banger. Yeah. And that led me to the story of the Welsh Zombie Vampire Wizard. I'm getting the feeling that this guy has just too many things. Like, I don't know. You can't be the guy who has a top hat and the guy who plays poker. Like, that's two things. You definitely can't have four things.

You can't be Welsh and a zombie and a vampire and a wizard. Can you? Well, I think there's probably a few more things that I could have chucked into the mix, but we'll get to those later. I did hear actually on another podcast, it was a friend of the show, Nick Mason quoted someone in fashion who said, basically before you go out,

look in the mirror and remove one of your accessories. So like, I guess if you've got a fancy watch and you've got sunglasses and you've got a big chain, take one of them off. Take it down by one. Yeah. I'm guessing similar advice to the Welsh song, the Wozville. Yeah. Take it down by one, yeah. I'm guessing similar advice

to the Welsh zombie, the Woosville. Yeah, you've got to kill your babies. That's not something I should be saying to a Welsh zombie. I'm a vampire wizard. They're way ahead of you. Yep. They've definitely killed their darlings. Maybe decide whether you're more enthusiastic about being a vampire or Welsh,

which is most important to you. Don't make them choose so she cites denougis curialium by walter map would that be would that be latin you speak yeah okay has to be and i looked up walter map uh he is a historian well he's a monk slash historian from the 1100s, and he's one of my new favourites. A slash historian is a historian who's shipping a lot of historical figures. Oh, maybe that too, actually. I don't know. I wasn't certain when I said that whether you would get that joke, but I'm confident

some of the listeners will. No, I've heard of that. I've heard of Slashfic. Okay, all right. I haven't read any. I don't have access to the dark web. You have to go on the dark web for that, do you, James? Oh, probably.

I'm not downloading a Tor browser to find out what Sherlock and what's his name get up to. Peanuts, isn't that what they call him? Don't they? Pardon? Peanut. I misheard that again, and my mind was in a Slashfic world. No, it's Peanut.

In China, there's Slashfic based on Sherlock and... Snoopy? John Watson. Oh. I say the new, what, 10 years old BBC Sherlock. For some reason, they call them Sherlock and Peanut. Watson's called Peanut. Fine.

For reasons, I think it's a pun that makes sense in Mandarin or whatever. But yeah. But when you think about Martin Freeman's face and you think about a peanut, somehow they are the same. It does check out. It does check out. There's a bit of cashew in his heritage, I'd say. Whereas Benedict Cumberbatch would be more of a...

Oh, he's a Brazil. He's a Brazil to me. Yeah. He's a brazil oh yeah he's a big brazil nut oh uh just distracting us again from the old was wasville doing a thing at the moment with the with the children to and i'm trying to encourage them to eat 30 different plants a week like unique different things i mean this is simply your life yeah i'm a vegan i i don't know if i eat 30 different plants i do come back to the same plants it's not as difficult as it sounds uh we did a bit of a nut

grading the other day and brazil came out came out high as a vegan i guess this is like teaching grandma to suck eggs or aquafaba in this case thank you you very much. That is one for the vegans. That's very good. That's a very good joke for the vegans. Little joke for the vegans. Way better than my slash history joke. There's crossover. The two communities, yes. But back to Walter Mapp.

Yeah, Wally Mapps. If you haven't closed that Tor browser that you just opened to get up your Sherlock slash fic, have a look at his Wikipedia page and his picture. He looks such a cheeky little so-and-so, I think. All right, I'm going to do this now.

You'd already told me that he was around in the 12th century. I was expecting a photograph, I have to be honest. I know that I'm wrong there, but it is a drawing of a cheeky little so-and-so. It's looked very cheeky. He's writing his book with a trowel. With two trowels. Yeah, he's got a trowel in each hand. He's double troweling.

Fingers are very well done. Maybe I've just been looking at a lot of AI, but the fingers are very, very well drawn. Everything else I'm not so sure about. He looks like the boy that turns into Casper, the friendly ghost. He does. He's got a, yeah, Richie Rich Casper vibe. But yeah, he was a historian, and I'm really warming to him. The couple of quotes that I've seen, they've made me like him.

The first quote is, If die I must, let me die drinking in an inn. Nice one, Monk. Being a monk really hit different in those days. Yes. Didn't it? They were drinking and reveling a lot more than I think they are now. Yeah. He doesn't hold back from having a pop at some other monks. So just for context, before I read this next quote, the Cistercians, which I presume is a pronunciation, is another format of Benedict monk. Right. So it's a sub-genre.

I think so, yes. Benedictine, right. He says, The Cistercians do not eat meat, yet they keep pigs to the number of many thousands and sell the bacon, though perhaps not quite all of it. The head, legs and feet they neither give away, throw away nor sell.

What becomes of them, God knows. So I think he's starting a bit of a flame war with the old Cistercians there. Yeah, I think he's blown that wide open. Is he implying that they in fact do eat the meat? I think he must do. And then this final quote, I know I'm not a fan of poetry, but I have been trying to work this out all day and I've got no idea what this means. I'm steepling my fingers in anticipation. Okay. If you can shed any light, that would help. The dead are alive and the living are buried by them.

It sounds like it. It sounds profound. It sounds like. Whoa. Wait a minute. What? The dead are alive and the living are buried by them. That's like a Smashing Pumpkins lyric.

Yeah. Oh. Does he mean like the memories of people? Maybe. All right, then. Okay, fair play, Walter. It's good stuff. Good stuff there, Walter.

You're back in my good book. There was another quote which was attributed to him, which was pretty dodgy. We've all done tweets that we regret with two hands at the same time. Yeah, yeah, that's how I tweet. In a cheeky grin. we regret with two hands at the same time. Yeah. Yeah. That's how I tweet. But he is notable because unlike other historians of the time, like William of Newburgh. Boo.

Boo. He's got a bit of a difference to him. Give us Wally maps. I think that's probably Newborough, not Newburgh. Yes. Just if you want to record a drop in, because he's also Newbury.

So it's probably not Newberg with a hard G. Newborough. You're just going to record just Newborough. You're so confident that that will let it in. Newborough. Ah, did I do an Edinburgh? Oh, no. I've done an Edinburgh.

Yeah, unlike William of Newborough, he doesn't let the facts get in the way of a good story, basically. Nice. Which is probably how he's ended up here on the podcast. On our podcast of all places. In an episode entitled The Welsh Zombie Vampire Wizard. Mm-hmm. Whoa, are you telling me this guy wasn't really Welsh?

It is in Herefordshire. It does take place in Herefordshire. So maybe not even really Welsh. Maybe not even Welsh. You just don't know what to believe these days. There's so much misinformation out there. So, yeah, his major work is Dinugis Curialium,

or Courtier's Trifles. The story concerns a Sir William Loudon, or Lorden, who came to the Bishop of Hereford, Gilbert Folliot, or more likely Gilbert Folliot, to seek advice. Gilbert Folliot to seek advice. So he'd lived in a house and he seemed to sort of have a bunch of people staying there,

like lodgers and stuff. And for some reason, one of those lodgers was a Welsh criminal. So, and that criminal died while staying in the house, but it is believed that that criminal was also a powerful sorcerer well it was the 12th century and that sort of thing did happen a lot the welsh yeah welsh people committed crimes a lot but also there were a lot of sorcerers knocking about yeah this one died and every night after he died he would return and every night where it says he did not rest in his grave he came back every night he would get out of his grave every night every night and called by name one or two of his former

neighbors the names he called at once fell ill and died within three days at the rate that he was calling their names how many people were in this house Because he comes out every night and calls two or three people's names. One or two. And then they die within two or three, one or two. Yeah. And then they die within three days. There's going to be nobody left. He's prolific.

I guess for the first night, you're just like, oh, I think I heard my name called. Yeah. And yeah, by the time you get to die, you've already got, there's other people who are realizing what's happening and what's going to happen. So the bishop, Gilbert Folliot, told Sir Walter Loudon what he needed to do was dig the dead witch or sorcerer's body up, behead it, then rebury it in the same grave after that had been thoroughly doused with holy water now for me that commits the ultimate crime of a recipe of the paragraph entitled meanwhile yes you're absolutely right there because what i would have done is i would have i would have dug up that welsh

zombie vampire wizard because that is what we are talking about in fact welsh criminal zombie vampire wizard to give him his full title, beheaded him, reburied him, and then gone, ow. And then you'd read the last section and it says... I was meant to preheat that oven. Dousing him with... I probably wouldn't even have got holy water at that point. Yeah, I'd have had to unbury him.

I might have even tried to cut corners and just pumped a load of holy water over the grave and just hoped it soaks in enough. Yeah. What's worse, the ones where they say meanwhile, or the ones where they say put the oven on at this temperature, and then you don't put anything in the oven for about 40 minutes. It's like, I'm not made of oven. Tell me to put the oven on at a reasonable time.

I'm just going to have it on in the background while I'm dicing the whole time. I'm just going to have it on in the background while I'm dicing the whole time. When they tell you timings of how long a recipe is going to take, and it's like cut 17 carrots in five minutes. No. That's a whole day for me. Yeah. Or at least one finger down.

And then how to adjust the timing for the cooking based on the presence of a finger. I just can't do those calculations. No, you can't do the adding up for a start. Without the finger. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So they they did all that and i guess they did it right or i guess they didn't do it right because it had no effect at all the welsh criminal zombie vampire wizard came back again and this night he called and i'm going to do my best impression of a welsh criminal zombie vampire wizard he called the name... I've forgotten how to do a Welsh accent. Hold on.

I need to do my get in line. I've forgotten my getting in line. Have you got a getting in line for Welsh? I don't know. Something... I've had my Welsh accent criticised by many Welsh people, but I think it's absolutely fine. I think it's fine. Okay, so...

Walter Lodon. That's Scottish. Okay, so Walter Loden. That's Scottish. That is Scottish. He wasn't a Scottish zombie vampire wizard. No, he's definitely Welsh. I think the other elements are complicating this. We've got the zombie and the vampire. Oh, I didn't get the teeth.

Hold on. I mean, ultimately, what he's doing is he shouts the name Walter Loden. Yeah, but what accent is he shouting it in, James? It's going to be Welsh. It's got to be Welsh. It's got to be Welsh. And I think that would sound a little bit like what? Walter Loudon.

It goes Scottish. As soon as you add the zombie to Welsh, it goes Scottish. Hold on. What is a Welsh person? A Welsh person would speak like that. They talk like that. They say, Walter Loud be like that. Normal. They talk about it. Easy. Walter Loden.

Walter. Walter Loden. It's gone Scots. Right. Well, I think we've hit something. Walter Loden. Welsh plus zombie equals Scottish. Equals Scottish. Which means Scottish minus Welsh equals zombie.

Yeah. I guess so. Yep. You can't argue with facts. No, it's a simple equation. Walter Loden, he says. Yes, he does. In a sinister voice.

Yeah. So like, uh-oh, he's got three days. That's my name, actually. He doesn't wait three days, though. Walter Loden. Walter Loden. I think that might be why, because. He doesn't wait three days, though. Walter Loden. Walter Loden. I think that might be why, because I keep thinking that should be a Scottish name. The name might be what's causing the problem.

Let me try. There was my bike gone. That's my end phrase. There was my bike gone. Dinner for Mike. Where do you mend? Alistair Beckett King. It's gone Scots again, even with your name.

Again, Alistair is a Scottish name. It has, isn't it? David Jones. Actually. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, James, you can only say Welsh names in a Welsh accent. It seems so. Every other name has to be Scottish.

Yes. In a Welsh zombie accent. In a Welsh zombie accent, yeah. In a Welsh zombie vampire wizard accent. It's got real Biker Mice from Mars vibes, this title. Yeah. Real samurai pizza cats. Yes.

Welsh zombie vampire wizard doesn't quite fit. It hasn't quite got the cadence. Maybe over here they'd be called like Welsh undead vampire wizards or something. The problem is that Welsh is one syllable. Where else? Because vampire zombie and wizard are two syllables. We need two syllables for the first word.

And then you got yourself and Ninja Turtles going on. Welsh zombie, vampire, wizard. Welsh zombie, vampire, wizard. Welsh zombie, vampire, wizard. Evil been beheaded. Walter Ludin. Gilbert taught him how to beat the Welsh. Welsh zombie vampire wizard.

Yeah, anyway, so Walter, that very night, as soon as he heard the Welsh criminal zombie vampire wizard shouting his name, he sprang into action,

ran out of the house with his sword, pursued the living corpse back to the churchyard, and with a single terrific sword stroke cut off its head before it could reach the shelter of its grave. Wow, the head that he already cut off several days ago.

Yeah, it had been reattached. So he'd softened it up for himself. I guess it was perforated. Yeah. Like a stamp, like an old stamp. And yeah, as it says here in front of the show, Christ in a Hole, it's Christina Hole's witchcraft in Britain. It never afterwards returned to harass the people of the town.

So if you're troubled by a Welsh criminal zombie vampire wizard, all you need to do is chase it down and cut its head off. Simply chase it down and cut its head off. Before it reaches the shelter of its grave. While it's out of its coffin, that seems to be important. Yes, while it's loose. James, what makes it a vampire? Wizard, I accept. Zombie, I can see, certainly.

Welsh, just about plausible. But what makes it a vampire? I don't know. Whoa. Wow. Wow. Wow. Where do I got that from?

I can't believe you're dropping vampire at this stage. I've also seen it described as a revenant. Ooh, like Leonardo DiCaprio. Yes. Hold on. How would it sound if he was to do it? Walter Luton. Scots again.

Scottish again. So that's the end of the Welsh zombie vampire? Criminal. Wizard. Criminal. Maybe that was the criminality was impersonating a vampire. I think I just saw it

outlined on the internet as that. So someone told you it was a vampire and James, you just believed them. And I did just believe them. Why not? You read it on the internet and you just took that at face value. You've got to start questioning the narrative.

I think it's because the people sickened and died when the name was called. And there was a kind of a vamp break. Yeah, that's not classic zombie behavior, is it? No. But it might have also been because there was another story called The Buckinghamshire Vampire recorded by him. And it might have got confused when I was writing the name of the episode. Oh.

The Bucky Vamps. Do you want to drop the Bucky Vamps in, or are you saving that for a future inaccurately titled episode? Well, the Bucky Vamps is a very, I mean, it's a simple story. Simple story, the Bucky Vamps. Stephen told him it. Stephen? Well, Stephen told it to William Parvis, which is William of Newborough.

This is like when your friends are talking about a friend they know, but you don't know. Who is Stephen? He's an esteemed archdeacon of the diocese. So I should know him. Yeah. The Bucky Vamps is told by William of Newborough. It seems there might have been a little bit of competition between Billy of Newborough and Wally of Map, because Billy of Newborough's Bucky Vamps is a similar-vibed story.

Is there sort of a Marvel DC thing going on? Yeah, very much that. So what it is is a man dies and is buried on the 29th of May. The following night, he enters the room where his wife sleeps and leaps upon her nearly killing her with fright and he does it every night the same so she has people come in to like keep an eye on her and drive away the dead husband this is i like this is kind of the same story but he's brought in an element he's brought in a sort of a damsel in distress yeah and then it says next the dead

man terrorized any animal in or around people's houses, which meant that everyone had to guard each other all night. I'm getting this, by the way, from the macabre observer at blogspot.com. Basically, they went to get advice from the Archdeacon Stephen, who went to see Hugh Bishop of Lincoln. I don't know if that's a typo, a job title or a name. Hugh Bishop. Oh, I'm not a bishop. No, no. A lot of people get confused about that.

Yeah, yeah. But I will help. He said that the occurrence was not unusual. There've been many well-known instances. That's not strange. And what they needed to do was disinter the dead man, burn his body to ashes. So it's the same story, but with different characters. Yes. And that'll be how I got got confused i was ill a while ago he's no gilbert folio whatever his name is this yeah gilbert folio this hugh bishop yeah i'll stop you there i just wear the hat for fun one is there a bishop on this plane a lot of people think that i'm a bishop no but yes i'll

help i am hugh bishop unless it's a typo because this that's a decade old blogspot.com could be a time it could be these a huge bishop of lincoln it could be a huge bishop it'd be difficult if you're a bishop on a plane because they can only go diagonally so how would they get how they're gonna get in their own i thought you're gonna going to talk about headroom, but yeah, no, even more. Because of the hats. Yeah. Those are the tales. I think I've fulfilled my remit now.

I think you have, yes. I got Welsh, I got zombie, got a little bit of vampire and some wizard. Some wizardry. I don't know why they were a wizard, but it says they were. It definitely says that, right? Yeah. Yeah, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm itching to score this.

Come on, then. Hit me. I'm feeling quite judgmental. Well, you're going to have to hit me with the categories first. Okay, first up, names. Luden? Walter Luden. Walter Luden.

A fairly ordinary name, but remarkable because it's impossible to pronounce in a Welsh accent. Yes. Oh, that's interesting. That's an unusual phenomenon. Another Walter. Walter Mapp. I like Wally Mapps. Wally Mapps?

Yeah, I like the bookie vamps. That was an unintended addition, but I'm going to take the scoring. Yeah, it's valid. I'm going to allow this. Mm-hmm. Billy of Newborough. What else have we got name-wise? Yeah, Billy of Newborough. Yeah, Billy of Newborough.

Lest we forget Hugh Bishop. Yes. Yep. New- Newborough's before Hughborough's. Hugh Bishop is good because he's not a bishop, we think. So I'm going to say it's three. Okay.

The silliness quotient was just a little bit low for me. Hold on. I think I've got a way to eke out one more point. Okay, let's hear it. The was-voos MO was to shout someone's name. Oh, so names are actually part of the story. Surely. Gosh darn it, James.

I've no choice but to raise that to a four. Yes, I've eked it. I've eked it out. I'm not happy about it. No, I wouldn't be. And second category, supernatural. Very high. Yes.

Very high. Every night he came out. Every night, this undead. They beheaded it once. It didn't take- Twice in total. Yeah, the first one- And twice altogether.

He just walked it off. I suppose killing something by beheading it is not supernatural, but not killing something by beheading it, that is supernatural. And twice altogether. He just walked it off. I suppose killing something by beheading it is not supernatural, but not killing something by beheading it, that is supernatural. Extremely supernatural. And the bookie vamps, same modus operandi. Yes. Which is Latin for MO. Being a wizard, supernatural.

And the most supernatural creatures of all, the Welsh. Yep, it's five out of five. Yes. Five out of five for the spooky Welsh. Okay, third category. Steak for 30 minutes like a recipe like in a recipe and it would say bake for 30 minutes but this is a vampire as a pun it's confusing because steak is also a kind of yeah is a kind of food confusing pun yeah but yes we had two recipes for killing a vampire the first half of it's just going to be

like an essay about how much your kids enjoy staking vampires you have to scroll down it's like okay beautiful photographs of vampires but where do i get to the actual quantities they have the ingredients for killing an undead person on one tab and then the method for killing an undead person on the other tab so you I'm flipping back and forth. I'm flipping back and forth. My hands are probably covered with vampire accoutrements, blood and eye core, possibly eye core. I've got it on my phone.

How am I supposed to use my fingerprint to open my phone when it's covered in holy water? Have you even thought about this for a minute? No. Hugh Bishop. Hugh. Or Gilbert Folliot. Or Gilbert, Monsieur Gilbert Folliot. even thought about this for a minute no hugh bishop what's french for any of these words vamp where i learned famously in my french oral exam you learned the for vampire? They left me in a room with the dictionaries. And did it come up?

I made it come up. They asked me what I had for breakfast. And I said, small children. And they looked at me really weirdly. I went, oh, je suis un vampire. A star. Immediate A star. And I got a C.

What? You got a C for pretending to be a vampire? A French vampire. French oral exam. Yeah. I was going to say mon die pretending to be a vampire? A French vampire. French oral exam. Yeah. I was going to say mon dieu, but a vampire wouldn't say that. So stake for 30 minutes or until dead through. Yes.

Well, I was really sceptical, but then you told me that story about the French exam, and it really plugged me up. So I'm going to say a three. I was going to go for a two but um i was impressed excellent okay then my final category always a bit much though it was a bit much wasn't it that welsh zombie vampire wizard welsh criminal zombie vampire what do you think pick a thing slash bucky vamps who also became a bit much coming back from Coming back from the dead to harass his wife. Harassing your own wife is bad enough, but all local animals?

Yeah. I mean, I disapprove of both. Mm. But it's certainly his pattern of behaviour is escalating. Yes. It's too much. Definitely. They're bikers, okay.

They're mice, fine. They're from Mars? What? What? What? You expect people to believe this? It's just not likely. Yeah.

Yeah. It's absolutely too much. So, so I want to give you five, James, but, but I'm looking in the mirror. I'm just going to get rid of one of those.

Throw that away. Damn that fashion person. I can't remember the name of. And you take it up with Nick Mason's quotes, because that's a great quote. I'm using it now. It's a four. Yeah. Okay.

I'll take that. Great story, though. Well done. Thanks very much. Even though I accidentally goaded you into including a second extra story. No, I think that was for the best. I needed to fulfill the remit. You did it.

God bless you, James. There was that noise on the wind. Can you hear it? What is that? It says, James, it's Scottish again. I've gone Scottish. Is that a Scottish Welshman there? What is...

What's his message? Join the pigeon. It's a Scottish Welshman there? What is... What's his message? Join the Patreon. It's a Scottish vampire. It's a Scottish Welsh vampire. Yeah. I think they'd say something like, look you, join the Patreon. Join the Patreon.

I'm a vampire zombie. I think this is going to... As a marketing technique, this is backfiring because it's implying that they're going to die within three days of joining the Patreon. You won't. Probably. Most won't.

Most people won't die. Within three days. That's the guarantee. That's the lawmen guarantee. Whoa. So, James, vampires. What's the story? Well, they're like...

They're like zombies. They are like zombies. Oh, no, wait a minute. That was my vampire joke. I forgot. I forgot about my vampire joke. I should have done it. What's your vampire joke?

Well, vampires, they're just picky zombies. No, just the blood for me, thanks. All right, you've redeemed yourself in this almost vampire-less episode. Yeah, I just shoot-porned it in there so I could forget to do that joke. Yeah, sorry, everyone. But you did get a bonus story

that I told purely out of guilt. Well, James, what can people do if they want to support your misrepresentation of historical monsters as vampires? Well, they can go to patreon.com forward slash lawmen pod and for a small fee, they will not only become a deputy. They'll also become vampires. No, they will get access to the law folk discord.

I think it's time we took Shake Shack down. Who's with me? No, no. Let's get him, folks. But do join do join the patreon yeah why not yeah feel like you deserve money for for this for this for you james i i it feels more like a bribe to to be better to try and be better but what it's like what is money if not a bribe to do a job? Like in The Grass, or whatever it's called in America, in the old Private Eye films, where they go up and they slip him the money.

A stool pigeon. The stoolie, yeah. They give him extra money to give him more and more information. The more Patreon supporters we get, the more accurate the stories we'll get. I'll stop throwing in random things that are wrong, like the county where the Battle of Hastings happened, or whether or not someone was a vampire.