Loremen Podcast - The Fairy Coffin Minisode

Episode Date: May 20, 2021

Un petit amuse-bouche ahead of tonight's LIVESTREAM on twitch.tv/loremenpod Alasdair Beckett-King regales James Shakeshaft with a delightful wee Scottish tale of faerie-kidnapping, coffins and knife throwing. A classic Friday night out, tbf. Prepare yourself for Scottish accents, several cockneys and a smattering of Orson Welleses.  And join us tonight!

James. Alistair. That's a good Scottish name, isn't it, James? It is, actually. Jimmy. Jimmy Sheekshout. That's you, if you're Scottish. If we were in Scotland, I would reply, aye. Would you? Aye. Is that how you communicate with Scottish people? Aye. No. No, isn't he? No, I didn't know how he do. Oh, I can only do very high or very low. I don't think I can do middle register, Scott. Yeah, no. That's why they have their low lens and the high lens.

They don't have the middle lens, do they? That's the midlands. Yeah. I'll either be tacking the high road or tacking the low. Those are the options if you're in Scotland. So, basically, tonight, Thursday the 20th of May. 2021. 2021.

We're going to do a live stream. And the reason I'm talking about Scotland is I'm taking us back to Edinburgh once again. One of the spookiest towns, I think you'll agree. Oh, yeah. I think it's possibly up there in spooky capital cities. Yeah, it probably is the spooky capital of the world. Oh, yeah. All right.

It does have the ghost bus tours. Sorry, I just realized that you were doing a joke like ghostbusters i i can't believe that they haven't noticed that and that used it in their advertising it doesn't say who you're going to call on the bus or anything no it's called ghost bus tours if they haven't then they can have that unless unless as similarly to the whole story unless i'm in edinburgh at the time because i'll be doing that joke so what i did we jimmy shakeshaft is i've got a story for you for this evening but for now because this is the the trailer for want of a better word for that um i have an even weir story about a scottish coffin oh Scott's coffin. A scoffing.

That's probably a name of a food in Scotland. Almost certainly is. Will that food have potatoes in it? Yes, it will. Yes. Is it food just potatoes and oats? Yes, it is. This story comes from Superstitions of the Highlands and Islands of Scotland by John Gregerson Campbell. That's the Scottish name you got there, John Gregerson

Campbell. It's good that there's a Scottish person, because if it was a Cockney, it would be Tales from the Islands and Islands. Just be repeating himself. And this was published in 1900, and it is a record of oral tales from the islands and islands of Scotland. And this story is called The Bridegroom's Burial.

It's very short, and I'm just going to read it to you as it's written, except for I'm going to skip over the bits that are in Gaelic. Ah. A young woman in Islay was promised in marriage to a rich neighbour, and the marriage day was fixed. She had a sweetheart. This took me a while to realise.

A different guy. Who, on hearing this, said to a brother older than himself that if he had means to keep a wedding feast, he would run away with the bride. His brother promised him all he had being 35 gallons of whiskey not to reinforce stereotypes about scotland but that was all he had that's all i've got mate i'm down to my last 35 gallons of whiskey wow really hard up on getting this the young man took the bride away and gave a nuptial feast himself that lasted a month so that's how long 35 gallons of

whiskey lasts that's just over a gallon a day. Well, by the way, everything I've said so far, irrelevant to the story. This is not Chekhov's whiskey. At the end of that time, when he was taking a walk with his wife, an Eddie Wind was seen coming. Eddie Wind. Alright, guys.

Eddie. Alright, guys. Oh, it's Eddie Wind. Pretend you don't know him. Oh, it's me, you know me, Eddie Wind. Pretend you don't know him. Oh, it's me. You know me. Eddie Wind. I'm in the islands and islands.

You could see, hear and smell him approach. He was a triple threat. And Eddie Wind was seen coming and as it passed, the young man was seized with sickness,

which in a short time ended in his death. Oh. Twist. Before his death, his wife said to him, If the dead have feeling, I ordain that you be not

a night absent from your bed. The night after the funeral, he came back to the consternation of his wife, which seems unreasonable. Women, eh? What? You can't live with them. You can't literally die and come back as a ghost at their specific request. She's still not happy. You can't after live with them.

He told her not to be alarmed, that he was still sound and healthy, that he had only been taken in the eddy by the lady of the Green Island, and that by throwing a dirk, which is a type of knife, as I'm sure you're aware, at the eddy wind when she next encountered it, she would get him back again. The wife threw a dirk at the next eddy wind she saw, and her husband dropped at her feet. He told he had been with the light people, and in the tomb in which they supposed him buried would be found only a log of alder wood.

His wife's relatives were sent for, and they came thinking the young widow had lost her wits through grief. The grave was opened, and an alder stick found in the coffin instead of the body proved the husband's account of his disappearance. I would have thought him not being dead was enough evidence that he wasn't dead. Walking around talking.

I think we'll have a wee look in the coffin to be sure. You wait there, mate. You wait there. But I am here and I am alive. You know, let's not jump to conclusions. And that's the story of the bridegroom's burial. Poor old Eddie Wind. Blame him, that poor Eddie Wind.

What, are you bloody chucking knives at me? Jeez. She's got a blade. She's got a cutter. All right, keys. Have you been to a Scottish wedding? I have, yes. I went to one and the vicar had a kilt.

And part of the ceremonial thing is a knife. I think that would probably be a dirk. I think it's the only wedding I've been to where the vicar has had a weapon. He's packing heat. He's packing. In case bleeding Eddie Wynne shows up. He's carrying a piece, which in Scotland means a sandwich. I'm sure we've covered that on the podcast before.

Yes, yes. A piece means a sandwich. Have you got your piece and cheese? Anyway, so I told you that story, as you know, because it featured a scoffing, a Scottish scoffing. And I'm going to trail what I'm going to talk about this evening now. In the London Times, July 20th, 1836, a young gentleman you might be familiar with by the name of Charles Fort wrote about something unusual that had occurred in Edinburgh.

And for Charles Fort, I'm going to do an impression of Maurice Lamarche doing an impression of Orson Welles. Okay. Because that's as close as I can get. That sounds good. And it's going to come out a little bit Dr. Evil. That's fine. I'll try my best. Early in July 1836,

some boys were searching for rabbit's burrows in the rocky formation near Edinburgh. No. Near Edinburgh, known as Arthur's Seat. In the side of a cliff, they came upon some thin sheets of slate, which they pulled out. Little cave.

Seventeen tiny coffins. Three or four inches long. In the coffins were miniature wooden figures. They were dressed differently in both style and material. There were two tiers of eight coffins each,

and a third tier begun with one coffin. That is how Charles Fort reported the extraordinary tale, I think actually, by the standards of our podcast, quite famous tale. Yes. Of Arthur's Seat Tiny Coffin Stuff. I might have to think of a better name for it before we put the podcast out.

Yes, yeah, I think so. Arthur's Seat Cave Tiny Coffins. Arthur's Seat, colon, tiny coffins. I liked that he turned it to bullet points halfway through. Yeah, it goes I think so. Arthur Seat Cave Tiny Coffins. Arthur Seat colon Tiny Coffins. I liked that he turned it to bullet points halfway through. Yeah, it goes really beat poet. Yeah. Little Cave. Little Cave.

17 Tiny Coffins. Two tiers and then a third tier. Peas and the Fields. You can't show that now. Tell me what you want in the depths of your... I wouldn't direct an actor like this in Shakespeare. Tell me what you want in the depths of your... I wouldn't direct an actor like this in Shakespeare. Orson Welles' final film, Transformers the movie.

I think his final line in cinema is, Destiny, you cannot destroy my destiny. And then he explodes. That was actually his last words. They just happened to be recording it and they worked it into the film. He actually exploded. So, if you'd like to hear the Lawmen's take on this mystery, featuring me, Jimmy Shakes.

Hello. The Scottish James Shakeshaft. Aye. And Orson Welles, possibly. We'll practice. We'll work on the Orson Welles a little. Join us at Join us. twitch.tv forward slash lawmenpod

where we will be recording our episode live with you in the chat heckling and making better jokes that we then pass off as our own in the edit. Don't tell them that. Have I blown the whole gaff? Yes. Oh no.

8pm. 8pm. BST. British Summer Time. Psst. Bye. Bye bye. Bye bye. IsST. British Summer Time. Psst. Bye. Bye bye. Bye bye.

Is that you way up the road? Oh aye.