Loremen Podcast - Xmas Pig 2023 (2023) Pre Livestream Minisode

Episode Date: December 21, 2023

Get excited! We will be Livestreaming at 830pm GMT (330pm ET) an Xmas Pig Porktacular! at youtube.com/loremenpodcast subscribe and ding the bell for updates!

Psst, James. Yes, pst. I pre-pst you. I was going to pst right back. I knew you were going to pst, so I got in and I pst before you could. Nice psting. You're welcome. I mean, thanks.

You're welcome. You're welcome. That's what I say when people compliment me. I say, you're welcome. Pst, James, how are you? I'm a bit ill. Under the weather? Well underneath the weather.

Is this just middle age now? Because it feels like every fourth episode, one of us is ill, got a cold. Is that life now? I think so. In the winter, we have the colds. And in the summer, we have the allergies. Because of the old pollen, yeah. Yeah.

Such is life. What I need to do, Alistair, is rest my voice. Because we, of course, have a live stream on Thursday. We do, don't we? Big time. It's going to be on YouTube, right? Thursday, the 21st of December, 2023. 2023. Probably.

Nearly when then? Yeah, you didn't even do the right voice. I couldn't, I daren't. You pulled back. He's pulling a sponsor's listener. Probably our last live stream of the year. I'm going to. You'd pull back. Mm-hmm. He's pulling his punches, listener. Mm-hmm. Probably our last live stream of the year. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that. Yeah, unless it fails halfway through and we have to restart.

Yeah. Which is not beyond the realms of possibility. YouTube.com forward slash lawmenpod. Cast. Cast. I will learn. YouTube.com forward slash lawmenpod Podcast is where you need to go at, would it be 8.30 GMT?

Yeah, gumped. Yeah, 8.30. And before we do that, I've got a case update, James. Yeah? Yeah. Well, I've been listening to Uncanny, Danny Robbins' Uncanny, and he's always doing case updates. He is.

And now he's got a TV show, and we don't have a TV show. He does case updates on the TV show. He's doing case updates on the telly. So it's like I see what he's doing there and I'm going to copy it. Ah, that's a good idea. The problem is that our cases aren't really ongoing because the past is fixed. They're often around a thousand years old, yes.

That's cold. Not a lot of breaking news, but occasionally I find a new thing out that I forgot to include in an episode. Oh, yeah. So that's why I'm calling a case update. Overlooked research. Breaking. Yes. So this is a case update.

What's the ticket tape saying? It's a case update on the Durham Cathedral episode. Oh, yeah. Basically, a little fact about Durham Cathedral I found that it's too small to slip into another episode. So I was reading Satcheveral Sitwell's England. Satchmo. Nice one.

1986. This is, of course, the brother of Edith Sitwell. Uh-huh. Satcheveral Sitwell. And we're not going to be scoring this for names, and that is a shame. That is a shame. Because Satcheveral is a great name.

I see him as like a bag, a talking bag. Like, you know those, sometimes a handbag or purse to Americans has a face? Yes. Sometimes it's got like two buttons and a zip. Yes. You can imagine them talking like Zippy. Yes. That's definitely Satch.

That is how I picture Satch Everill. Satch. Satch Everill. Satch to his friends. Sit well. Well, Satch Everill seems to have been a sceptic, but he's looked into a number of poltergeist cases. So I'm planning to dip into that book

and maybe we'll hear more from old Satchmo. That's not who Satchmo is. No, different Satchmo. Different Satchelmouth. Satchmo is short for Satchelmouth, I think. Is it? Yeah. Because he had a big mouth.

Like a satchel. Like a satchel. Like Zeppe. Yes. They could also do George a little bit. But not George. But it's impossible to do Impression of Bunglele i'm sure i've said this on the podcast before it really annoys me that bungle doesn't have a distinctive voice was because there's multo bungo it feels like that's the first time

i'm hearing that phrase so maybe we haven't discussed this there's multo bungo there's more than one bungle is there yeah there's the original bungle that looks like the guy from the end of the shining yeah yeah and then the bungle that we all have in our minds the much more tolerable bundle yeah yeah the the original yeah now disgraced bungle i don't know if it is. It just looks peculiar. It's wrong. It's just not right. Can you slander a soft toy?

Anyway. We're going to try. So, Satch Everill Sitwell said of Durham, No view of Durham. No, I'm not going to do it in a different voice. I'm not going to do it in a bad zippy voice. No view of Durham could be. I'm going to say that again.

In fact, I'm pretty certain I said exactly this in the podcast when we talked about Durham Cathedral. He says, No view of Durham could better that scene from the window

of the railway train. Nearer approach but adds to the majesty of the first impression and induces a feeling of respect and awe. The central tower of Durham alone and in itself is a stupendous relic surviving out of the ancient night of darkness.

And he quotes a book called The Rites of Durham from 1593, which described basically the monastery of Durham Cathedral and all the things they had there. And when it comes to the common house, the Rites of Durham had this to say, and it's written in 16th century English. So there's some fun, fun spellings. Monks is spelt M-O-U-N-C-K-E-S. Whoa. Monkes.

Monkes. Monkes. Winter is spelt with a Y, W-Y-N-T-E-R. Calm down. Come is spelt C-U-M-E. Well, I'll read it now in as old and timely a voice as I can. On the right hand as you go out of the cloisters into the firmary. Now, I think that means infirmary.

Firmary is an abbreviation. For some reason, in Satch Everill Sitwell's version, it's printed Germery, which is, as far as I can tell, not a thing. That's just a nickname lots of people on the internet have for their dog called Jeremy, from what I can tell. Is it a joke because you get germs there? Yeah, but they spell it with a J, so I don't think so. Yeah, it's really confusing. I think it's just a mistake.

So as you go out of the cloisters into the Furmery, spell it with a J, so I don't think so. Yeah, it's really confusing. I think it's just a mistake. Okay. So, as you go out of the cloisters into the firmary was the common house and a maester there of the house being to this end to have a fire kept in it all winter for the monks to come and warm their mat, being allowed no fire

but that only. There was, belonging to the common house, a guarding or a garden. Oh, come on, mate. Give us a chance. Meet us halfway. And a bowling alley. Ooh. For the novices sometimes to recreate themselves.

And I'll be honest with you, James, the case update is that's it. Durham Cathedral had a bowling alley. Oh, nice one. I couldn't believe, for some reason is that's it. Durham Cathedral had a bowling alley. Oh, nice one. I couldn't believe, for some reason, it didn't occur to me that the concept of a bowling alley was that old. I've looked it up on a map from the Catholic Encyclopedia and I can see a map of the layout. And on the west side of the church is the Monk's Garden and bowling alley,

just north of the latrines and the prison. Oh. I don't know whyines and the prison. Oh. I don't know why they have a prison. People who won't stop cheating at bowling? I can see you're worried, James. Don't worry. There is always one of the masters overlooking to make sure the novices are behaving themselves. It goes on to say that immediately after mentioning that there is a bowling alley.

So, I just can't picture it, a monk's bowling. No. Is there an ice rink and a quasar laser? Yeah, there must be a laser quest for the nuns. You've got to have a laser quest. Quasar laser was what it was called in Durham. I don't think that was the actual brand. I think that was the mum version.

It was laser quest and quasar. Quasar. Whatever one called it, quasar laser, I think. Quasar laser. I see. So we just added, oh, I see. So that's like your Tesco's. Yeah, your Tesco's.

And your Cliff Richard's. I'm probably only going to find it by Googling Quasar Laser. Did you mean Quasar Laser? Ooh. Or Laser Quasar. The only other thing I've noticed looking at this map of Durham Cathedral. Is map the right word? Floor plan of Durham Cathedral. It's in right word? Floor plan of Durham Cathedral.

It's in the middle of the Cloister Garth. Durham Cathedral's got a beautiful cloister. It's in the Harry Potter films. And in the middle of it is, I assume, a fountain, but it's labelled lavatory. Ah. And I think there's potential for hilarious confusion to occur there. Now, I don't think I need to spell that out.

Obviously, lavatory, I guess, like performing one's toilet, means washing your face and cleaning yourself. But over time, it's come to be a euphemism. Yes, you're going to end up in prison, though, if you keep being that pedantic. After a night on the mead, bowling, I wonder if perhaps a monk might end up making a humorous error in the cloister lavatory. Oh dear, oh dear.

Well, Alistair, the Christmas pig special that's dropping on YouTube, well, not that it's happening on YouTube later today, if you're listening to this on the day of release, that's got nothing to do with monks. Yeah, not today from our point of view, because we recorded this several days ago, or now as we call it. Yes. If I said to you, Morocco, if I said to you, clever hands, if I said to you, beautiful Jim Key,

would you have any idea what I was talking about? I would have no idea what you were talking about, but I would be thrilled. I would be tingling with anticipation. Beautiful Jim Key. Beautiful Jim Key. It's got such a ring to it, and I don't know what it is or means.

Well, he was a performing horse. Ooh. As was Clever Hans, who was German. Oh, Clever Hans. Hans, not Hans. No, not Hans. Because say what you will about horses, the one thing they don't have is hands.

Clever or otherwise. Clever Hans the horse. Oh, if you'd said Clever Hans, I would have been like, sounds like a horse that can count. Probably from a German-speaking country like Germany or Switzerland. That's right. He was investigated by Oskar Pfungst. I think he

slumped down onto the typewriter while he was typing his own name into the story there. Oskar Pfungst. He's got a question mark and a hash or a pound sign as Americans call it. Did you know that Americans and a hash or a pound sign, as Americans call it. Did you know that Americans call the hash sign the pound sign? Yeah, not anymore because of the old hashtag phenomenon. Thank you, hashtag.

No, I want to tell you about a little fellow I like to call Toby the Sapient Pig, who's a learned pig. And yes, Alistair, I have his autobiography. The autobiography of learned Toby. Not a biography. Not the unofficial story like you would get for pop stars. It's written by himself. And actually endorsed and written by his own self.

Wow. The Life and Adventures of Toby, the Sapient Pig, with his opinions on men and manners written by himself. Toby the pig. Boom. Boom. Wow. Join us.

I don't know if I can wait to hear about a book written by a pig. Mm-hmm. Can I check? Are you going to pronounce it learned rather than learned for the whole episode? It hasn't got an asterisk. It hasn't got a lot. Is it not pronounced learned? I would have thought they put one of them French things on it.

Well, I tell you what, we've got a few hours or several days before the live to find out. Yeah, let's find out.

I'll have a look before the, yeah.