Loremen Podcast - Xmas Pig with Maso!

Episode Date: December 24, 2023

For the third pig of Xmas, the Loremen gave to me... The Weekly Planet's Nick Mason! Maso drops in to hear an Arthurian legend that miiiiiiiight be linked to an absolute ledge from modern-day Australia.  Enjoy! And don't forget to join the Patreon if you want Xmas pig bonuses including behind-the-scenes audio! Visit patreon.com/loremenpod to support this nonsense.

Alistair. Hello, James. Hi there. I'm whispering because we've got a guest deputy and I don't really understand how Zoom calls work. Yeah, okay. So I think I'm talking behind their back. Me, me, me, me, me.

He's sleeping. Me, me, me, me, me. Am I right in thinking, James? I believe it's a number one party boy. It is. The self-proclaimed number one party boy. Oh, what's going on? Is it time to party, guys?

Is it time to party? Yes. Yes, May. So it's always time to party. Yeah, let's party. Hi, May. Hello. Hello, guys.

How are you? How did you get the spontaneous nickname number one Party Boy? Named myself. Am I quoting that correctly? Yes. The only legitimate way to get a nickname is to name yourself or someone gives you a nickname you like and you go guys stop it don't call me that and then it sticks that's how you do it i'd love to be called red

by you know an american lumberjack or something to have them well in australia they call you bluey you'd have to be bluey is that like the dog dog? Yeah, that's the irony, except Bluey is blue. Oh, because I know Bluey seems to be an Antipodean name for dogs, I thought. I didn't realise it meant any particular colour. It's red. It's red, yeah. What? What are you getting up to down there?

No way. You have blown the case wide open. Yeah, well, then it's incredible ginger erasure for bluey the cartoon dog to be blue that's outrageous i know right it's doubly ironic i think yeah is that an elaborate double irony yeah wow these are the things i think about when i'm not partying as if i have any time yeah so not much then not very deeply very little very little well welcome back meso and uh eagerly listeners will have noticed i've plucked up the courage to call you Maceo rather than Nick, which I did last time. And I felt really guilty because everyone seems to call you Maceo.

Oh, yes. Well, or number one pie boy, of course. Of course, of course, of course. I think of you principally as number one party boy and then probably Nick and then third probably Maceo. I think all those are fine. They're all on my passport and my birth certificate. So you can really call me any of those you wish. I don't mind at all. I'm just happy to be included, honestly. Well, welcome back. And thank you very much for joining us as a deputy law person

this wonderful time of year, because it is, of course, Christmas pig. So happy Christmas pig to those that celebrate. And so we've got some porcine tales for you this week that we want to run past you. And see if I approve. Yeah, yeah, basically. Yeah, sure. So first of all, I want to tell you a little bit about a place called Castle Andinus, which sounds a little bit like San Dimas, but it's not. It's Castle Andenus, which is a hill fort in St. Colm Major in Cornwall. And I don't need to tell you that is famously known as King Arthur's hunting seat.

Really? Okay. That's exciting. Okay. This is where King Arthur would have gone on his famous spectral hunt, the legend of which has kind of been rolled into the sort of the legend of the wild hunt that goes overhead. And I don't know if you heard about this may so but it's basically some nights there's a ghostly hunt that goes off in the air over britain and i think if you see it you're probably gonna die the wild hunt ideas the witcher from the uh from the video game and tv series and comic books and novel it's a franchise franchises content that's what we're all about right here now now the wild hunt so it's a franchise. Franchise is content. That's what we're all about right here. Now, the wild hunt. So, it's a ghostly hunt.

So, is it the ghosts of hunters and they're hunting the ghosts of an animal? I think that might be the thing. Okay. As ever with these things, I always wonder, you know, when you've got a ghost with their horse, presumably they didn't die at the same time. Right. What happened in the bit between? Did the guy die and then wait for his horse to die and just sort of kick his heels around and then like finally i've got a ghost horse i can ride

around did the horse die first and the guy was like somehow tethered it in the afterlife i don't know what had it tethered for him but i probably murdered a groom i think it would be like you know when liam neeson was on a film and he with a horse that he'd worked with before and he said the horse recognised him. I think it would be like that. You'd get to the afterlife and the horse would be like, oh, there he is. Finally. He's back. I mean, your horse might die and then what you'd do is you'd kill a stable boy and then the stable boy would maintain the horse in the afterlife until you pass on decades later via natural causes and then you would take

over you know you then he would be he would be fired and that horse would be so well kept but so sarcastically groomed by that angry stable boy who grooming is really the only outlet for how annoyed he is about the situation would the main be all backcombed oh yeah all spiked up rebellious given a silly main cut. They talk about Arthur's hunt in France, even. There it's called La Chasse à Toux, which I think means The Chase of Arthur.

I said yes there as if I know, but that's also what I thought it meant. That's mentioned by Gervais of Tilbury and Etienne du Bourbon. Two of the big names. Monsieur Etienne Du Bourbon. Party's not full of Ferrero Rochers, it's just Bourbon biscuits, but it's still great.

Oh, do you have Bourbons in Australia? Is it like a Ferrero Rocher? Because we have those. It's like a custard cream, but with chocolate in every layer. I've not had one, but I'm imagining it perfectly in my mind. I've developed a 3D model of it in my mind, and I'm rotating it beautifully. I'm drinking it in, and it seems beautiful.

I like it. I can translate. Maiso, it's basically a naked Tim Tam. Whoa, how does that even work? It'd be spilling out all in the packet. So like two biscuits with a cream filling, very chocolate. Okay, I like it. Evidently invented by a 30th century French guy.

He tells of a woodcutter one moonlit night near Mont Duchat, which I think means Mountain of the Cat or something ruder, met a hunting party who said they were Arthur's household. And that's the extent of the story. That's the whole story. I love that. That's great wow i mean it's it's bordering on not being a story yeah i think that's more someone misled

a woodcutter but do you want to know what arthur was hunting on this wild hunt he was hunting talk toith and i have looked up how to pronounce that saying? It's a Welsh word. And I think it means big boar. Oh, very nice. Because it's a giant spectral boar that was originally of Prince Tared, but was cursed to take the form of a massive boar. And he's got poisonous bristles all along his back. And on his head, he carries a pair of scissors, a comb and a razor. A pair of scissors. Yeah. Just a razor. A pair of scissors.

Yeah, just a nice little vanity kit. Yeah. For his own personal use or for the use of the people that hunt him down? Is he like, I'll only be hunted down by the most well-groomed hunters in the industry. So if you could take a moment and toilet, if you wouldn't mind. I've got my own stuff. I've got my own kit. Mason, you've got quite a well-kept beard and quite quite

nice hair you must you must travel with a a little grooming kit like that oh absolutely yeah on my on my regular wild boar not on a spectral wild boar that would be crazy but i bring my emotional support wild boar on planes and so forth i have to buy him an extra seat i remember the days when you used to get your spectral emotional support wild boar that would be free yeah that's right but no i'm not sure why it had all that stuff on its head but that was what arthur was after he was after the vanity set on top of the and he chased it from ireland cross wales across the river Severn, down into Cornwall, where he sort of finally faced off. He wanted to check that it had all the stuff on its head as advertised.

So he got one of his men to turn into a bird and fly over and have a quick look. And it was all there, all legit. And then he battled it, got the stuff, and just pushed it in the sea afterwards. What? What an undignified end for the wild boar. There's a lot to unpack, I feel, for such a brief story. I think number one for me is the moment where he said, you there,

turn into a bird. Surveil the situation. I did notice that, yeah. That's why I'm so big in the podcast game. I pick up on the little things, you know? And he said, you, human man, turn into a bird. And he did. Well, I've never done it before boss but i'll give it a crack oh look i'm doing it i'm a bird now this is great are you some

kind of defense attorney nick how could you possibly notice such a small detail in someone's testimony that didn't ring true objection a man is now a bird i just started playing for the first time ever phoenix right my phone as a little christ as a little Christmas treat. It's like he's in the room. I'm also really confused because just like you, he's called Nick, even though that's not his name, or the other way around for you. You are called Nick, but we don't call you that. People call him Nick in the game with no explanation of why they're calling him that, because that's not his name. His name is Phoenix Wright. It's a tourney, sure.

I guess Nick is short for Phoenix, but it's not. Some people with the first name Nicholas are bold enough to say, my name's Nicholas, but you can call me Cole. What? They take the middle bit out. And I'm like, that's not bad, actually. No way. It's too late for me, but that's not bad at all.

What a power move. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that, I think, is where you get Santa Claus, because it's Klaus and it's Nikolaus. Is that the back? You mean Big Blue? The back end, right? What?

You've taken the remains of the thing that you blew open before and just blown all them open as well now. Unbelievable. That's what we do here at Lawmen. We get to the bottom of things. A fractal blowing wide open. No matter how closely you look at something, it blows wide open. Shout-outs to all the Coles out there who are just like no that's me i'm not i'm i'm i'm going my own way anyway

this man turned into a bird yeah guy turned into a bird meno menu uh he was uh it turns out this guy had previous he was the enchanted knight he was a shapeshifter and that's how come he could turn into a bird he was cursed by his stepmother i think oh a little bit unsympathetic of him as a member of the shapeshifting community to use his powers to help kill a boar who is really a prince absolutely yeah so you know where's the solidarity that's a very good point he could have he could have pecked galahad's eyes out instead and then the poor could have gone on the run this i've never heard of this. This is fascinating because all the Arthurian legend movies and things that I have seen, it's all about, you know, the Arthur and Lancelot and Galahad and the romances and the betrayals. But I've never heard about the bloke who turns into a bird. So, this is good knowledge.

Or the boar, honestly. I mean, a little elaboration on Menuh, the shapeshifter. So he went and found the boar and saw that it had six piglets or boarlets. I don't know. What would they be called? Baby boars. And he went for the old scissors and the vanity set. All he managed to get was one bristle and the boar shook and sprayed poison all over him.

And Menuh is injured from that point forward in the story. Poor guy. Oh. Okay. That'll be a lesson to you. A spectral boar poisonous also. That's interesting. Yeah.

It's hard to see King Arthur as the good guy in this. And can just spontaneously have little baby boars as well. God, magic's fun, isn't it? Magic's fun for the purposes of narrative, isn't it? You you can just do anything you want it doesn't have to make any sense that's great i think the names of the seven children are going to be badly pronounced i don't know how we know the names of those pigs well but carry on i don't know how the history records their names i mean i'm apologies to the welsh for what i'm about to do. Grugin Grych Erient, which is silver bristle. Gwyndog Govinyad, the hewer.

Turch Lawin, no translation. Gais, no translation. Just Turk. Just a normal pig name. Banu Benwig and one unnamed boar. Misk. That's how you know the rest are real, because the bird guy only had time

to ask the names of six of the pigs and then they flew off or whatever afterwards, you know. If he'd known them all, you'd know he was making them up and it was a silly, silly made-up fantasy. But if you know some of them, it's real. It does make it more realistic. It's more convincing. By the way, sometimes a juggler drops a ball to remind you that it's difficult. It's real. It does make it more realistic. It's more convincing. By the way, sometimes a juggler drops

a ball to remind you that it's difficult. That's true. Yes. That explains why I was booked on so many stand-up nights. This one is the example. Let this be a lesson to the rest of you.

This is what happens if you do think you can go up and do it. We've got a great show for you tonight, folks. Except for one guy. You'll know it. You'll know when it happens. Well, that brings me on to my next tale, actually, which goes all the way to your lands, Maceo, to Australia.

Oh. Is it a curly little tale? Like a wild boar? Oh, yes, it is, actually. I've been wanting to say Royale Tim tam from earlier when we talked about the french tim tams the moment came and went that's been on my conscience for for minutes so i just had to get it out if you could put that back in and make me seem like i'm quick that would be back in the timeline that would be great we will keep this bit though now and you won't have said anything yeah Yeah, good. Great.

So what happened is like, right, we've got MESO coming on. It's Christmas pig. I need to find an Australian pig based story. I'm going to put my money on it now. You will not succeed in this task. You won't find a story. Hey, BK, this is going to be so embarrassing when he doesn't have one. We're going to laugh at you.

Oh, I can't wait. Come on, James. You haven't got a story. God, embarrassing for one of us and not the other two of us. I tell you what. Why would you have set it up so confidently? And then not have one. You don't have a story. I don't understand storytelling.

That's why. I'm the example. Podcasting is difficult, actually. Well, I did skip him back but 10 years to let me take you to oh yes the remote western australian town of port headland in pilbara 10 years ago the 1990s wow what a time the late 80s we're so young then and we're still young now yeah oh yeah that, yeah, that's right. I don't know anything about Port Hedland. I wish I could help you. I'm looking at it on a map, and it's not far from Mount Sheila.

Oh, nice. Which is, I think, a classic Australian place name. Absolutely. Mount Sheila. He's going to tell us everyone called Sheila isn't called Sheila next. Mount Sheila populated entirely by blokes. So, you know, it's that classic Australian irony again. And there's 80 Mile Beach.

That's a long beach. 80 miles? 80 miles. Wow. So this is in the De Grey River Rest Area, which, again, you know, going by previous examples, I imagine is probably bright yellow, a pond, and very eventful. The De Grey River Rest Area, it's basically what happened. A camper reported seeing a pig guzzling a beer. There was a loose wild boar.

Classic lad. And basically the headline is, Swigging pig hogs 18 beers at campsite and then picks fight with cow. Yep. The listeners can't see it, but I've stood up and i'm saluting an australian flag because that's one of drinking too much and then getting into a fight with somebody who's unsuspecting that's the most australian thing you can do pretty much especially in what is essentially the outback equivalent of a car park so that's that's that's where you do it that's where you drink too much and start those fights. So that's beautiful. That's

great. He should be on our money. I don't know why he's not on the $50 note. This drunk pig. He's the greatest Australian here. An eyewitness said in the middle of the night, these people camping opposite us heard a noise. So they got their torch out and shone it on the pig

and there he was, scrunching away at their cans. And the visitor estimated the pig had consumed 18 beers uh james oh you're known for your vocal talents what do you think that would have sounded like a big scrunching scrunching scrunching the word they used on 18 cans of uh broadly it would sound oh you've got the pressure there. Oh yeah, he's opening the beers. It's not just eating them. But he's going from the side.

He's not... Oh, he's shotgunning them. I don't know what that means. I don't know what that means. I'm not sure. Is that shotgunning? I'm not sure. I hope no one knows.

I just keep going. Let's hope none of the listeners know what any words mean. The eyewitness went on to say, then he went and raided all the rubbish bags. There were some people camped right on the river and they saw him being chased around their vehicle by a cow. Oh, so the cow was a do-gooder. Yeah, maybe it was a have-a-go hero cow. Leaping in to try and put a stop to his rampage.

And the pig was reportedly last seen resting under a tree, possibly nursing a hangover. last seen resting under a tree possibly nursing a hangover i mean it's it's certainly possible isn't it but i would imagine he's you know he's practiced he's he's had a you know he's had a hydrolite beforehand you know he's probably had a glass of water in between each drink yeah probably sift sifted through the bin for a kebab afterwards and i think that's something he's probably he's probably fine this guy yeah this guy's fine. Yeah, I don't need to tell you, but feral pigs are considered an invasive pest in many parts of Australia, and the state government advised people to report sightings of feral pigs so they can be removed, also in this case laughter,

and the feeding of the animals is discouraged. Doesn't mention about having a beer with them, though. Not forbidden, but frowned upon. Yes, exactly. It also doesn't mention, and I think it's interesting, these days a brand of beer would claim to have been drunk by the pig. But this is anonymous. I'm imagining him, he's gotten one of those big wooden paddles

and it's got the little samples of all the beer on it and he's having a little tasting of everything. He's going for a beer flight taster. Yeah. And it's just got away from him. He said something to a cow. He didn't mean it. He said he was going to have just one.

He only went out for one, and look at him now. Basically, we don't know what that pig had on its head. It may have had a little miniature vanity kit, and what I'm conjecting is that is that one unnamed boar. Oh, yeah. You know, it sailed away to find its fortune and was last heard of in the De Grey River rest area fighting a cow. It's probably the mystical immortal pig from earlier,

from Arthurian legend, that talked to that bird that time, that was betrayed by his fellow man who'd been turned into an animal by magic and then he was like, I'll flee across the oceans to Australia and then I'll, and boy, I'm a bit thirsty though, aren't I? No, I'll have a, I'll just have a few.

It's been a few hundred years. I'll just have, I'll just have a couple and then I'll be fine, I think. I'm just going to let my bristles down. My poisonous bristles. I like that because it ties everything together we don't want you we got two options it's either the same pig or they're opposing forces that are going to meet

sometime godzilla versus kong style you know we have the two separate narratives and people go it's very similar there's similar there's similar themes there i wonder if they'll ever and then you bring them together in a big blockbuster movie and you have them destroy the city and it's great. Yeah, because their hunting grounds are quite equally epic, aren't they? They are very epic. Because there's King Arthur's Seat, whereas I'm visualising the De Grey Rest Area as basically a car park with a public toilet. That's right.

And maybe some camping, but I'm not sure it's actually encouraged. So equally extraordinary backgrounds for these people to prepare there whilst we have discussed that everything is content i think i might not put this out because i think we've just invented the cinematic hogiverse i'm gonna get i'm gonna get on to universal do you think they'll go for it probably yeah yeah they'll but warner brothers they'll buy any crap why not why not just, it's fine. Cool. All right, then. Well, did better out of that episode than I anticipated.

We've got a franchise, guys. Merry, merry Christmas pig to your bank account. Cha-ching. Just maybe a little brief little Christmas pig score. Okay, sure. Category the one is naming. Well, those pig names were pretty good, and you made a real effort to pronounce them.

They were Welsh, and that's worth at least an extra one. Talk toeth. They're good. Big pig. And there was a silver guy, and there was Mr. Bristles, and there was the big man, and there was unnamed pig. Those are all good, I think. Little Johnny Squeaker. Yeah, that's right. I think. Little Johnny Squeaker.

Yeah, that's right. I think those are good, yeah. We've got Gervais of Tilbury, Etienne du Bourbon. These aren't pigs, in case the listener has forgotten. These were humans. And they seem exotic, but probably in France, they're probably quite mundane. But we're not in France.

And we've got Mont du Chat and Mount Sheila. That's right. Oh, those as well. We've got the two. Mount Sheila. Oh, yeah. I forgot. I brought that one in. So I'm very attached to Mount Sheila.

I was going to say something quite low, but now that I've remembered. Well, there's a place called Big Fish Hook. Or is that a shop? Anyway. Western Australia. Western Australia. Tells you all you need to know, doesn't it? Yeah, that's right.

Yeah. What it's got in its favour is accuracy. Pretty Pool Park. That's not a very good name. I think it's a four. Excellent. Okay, that sounds great to me. It's a good solid.

Absolutely, yeah. I wasn't sure if we were going to lose points on the names because some names were the reverse of what they mean, as we learned. So I wasn't sure if that was going to detract or add to the scores. So I think four is fair, and we should move on to the second category, Supernatural. I forgot about the Blue East Candle. Sorry, Supernatural.

Oh, very high. And a drunk Australian? No, impossible. A drunk Australian pig? Couldn't happen. Having a fight with a cow? Even more ridiculous. I liked it introduced some elements that I'd never seen before, like the guy who could turn into a bird.

I've seen plenty of Arthurian Merlin and whatever. I've never seen a guy that just throw in the guy that could turn. I'm loving that we got a fresh thing I'd never heard of before. So I think that's great. I think that works very much in its favour. Le chasseur. Yeah, a pig with just basically a hairdresser's accoutrement in its bristles. That's very weird.

That's really odd. I always love the element of a story where it's like, if you see the supernatural thing, you will die. Which always makes me ask the question, well, how has anyone heard of this then? Wouldn't they all be dead? Very good point. But that makes me love it all the more. Exactly right.

Exactly right. Somebody probably wrote it down with a little quill. As they were dying. I saw it. I'm dead now, if you even care. Bye. You know, bye. Tell everyone not to look at the wild boar hunt.

No worries if not. I think it's fine for Supernatural. If it's covering the entire sky, then he's coming to Australia. Exactly. Backpacking. It's got to be huge for Australia. And then definitely the same pig went to Australia.

Yes, that's pretty extraordinary. Brilliant. Thank you very much. And then I guess the only final thing to do as it is an Xmas Pig special is the category of pig. It's got to be high, right? Yeah.

How many babies? Seven. Six named, right? Yeah. How many babies? Seven. Six named, one unnamed. Easily exceeding the number five there. And we don't do Ludo bounce back rules. We only do outside church thermometer rules. Everyone knows that about us, no bounce backs. Yeah.

And I like the fact that there was a story about a pig and then we scoffed the idea you would have another story about a pig. We didn't believe it could happen. We didn't believe it. And then you did it. You found another story about a pig and then, you know, we scoffed the idea you would have another story about a pig. We didn't believe it could happen. We didn't believe it. And then you did it. You found another story about a pig. Yeah. And that's wonderful.

Yeah. That's two pig stories. So maybe we should give it two out of five. Oh. Wait, what? We could. We could ruin James Shakespeare's Christmas very easily with an arbitrary number. I've seen the opportunity.

Yeah, that's right. Don't call me the Ebenezer Scrooge of Christmas Pig, but I could give you just two points here. I think the spontaneous pig generation, I think it's tied with the magic. The fact that this man was turned into a pig and then he secreted like seven more pigs, I think that's worth a lot. Thanks, Mace-o. Yeah, that's exactly right.

You know the true meaning of Christmas Pig. Okay, in that case, James,. Thanks, May. So yeah, that's exactly right. You know, the true meaning of Christmas. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. In that case, James, you there, boy. Yes. What day is it today?

Christmas pig, sir. It is Christmas pig. Go to Australia and get me the biggest pig you can find. The 18 beers as big as me, sir. It's probably five. I reckon. I can't really throw that into the scheme from Scrooge. Do you agree, Nick? I think so, yeah.

I think so, yeah. It's a good five. It's a five-pigger. I think he does. I think he does. Yes, thank you very much. Wonderful. Well, Christmas pig, everyone.

Christmas pig, everyone. Christmas pig. Thank you very much for joining us again, Mace. Absolute pleasure. Thank you. You're very welcome. Thank you, Nicholas. Is it Nicholas, not Nick not Nick Nick Nickaparius

oh that's a good one too I should try them all out shouldn't I all the different names ah but yeah it's wonderful to be always happy to be on the show I mean now I obviously

can't listen to that episode because I'm a regular listener to the podcast but I can't listen to anything with my own voice on it oh no so thanks

for depriving me of an episode for a week gentlemen we'll read up you oh if you could do that if you could do a if you could localise it if you could put my own voice on it. So thanks for depriving me of an episode for a week, gentlemen. We'll read up you. Oh, if you could do that. If you could localise it. If you could put, you know, get a local Australian actor to redouble my lines, that would be great.

I'll just dub over it with my flawless New Zealand accent and that will be fine. It'll just sound a bit like you're from Johannesburg. This is a New Zealand guy that's lived in Johannesburg for all his life, as have all his family. But you alluded to your own podcasting skills, Maiso. I enjoy your podcast very regularly. Thank you so much.

It's the weekly planet, isn't it? That's right. And we talk about movies and TV shows and comic books and video games sometimes. And we talk about your big blockbusters and your superhero movies. However, that industry is going currently very well, very, very well. And we have a lot of fun. So if you've not listened before, check it out. It'll be great.

Cheers, Maceo. Bye.