Loremen Podcast - Xmas Pig with Sunil!

Episode Date: December 22, 2023

Xmas Pig everyone! This episode features everyone's favourite Sunil Patel - it's Sunil Patel! In the first of five festive specials, we explore the tale of a relatively obscure saint and a herd of porcine cowboy builders in Dorset. Endorse it? No, we forgot to do that joke. Join us at patreon.com/loremenpod for exclusive behind the scenes audio (and whole lot more).

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August 17th. Get your tickets now at kingsplay.com. Today, well, it's Christmas pig, Alistair. I mean, Sunil. Happy Christmas pig, James. Happy Christmas pig, Sunil. Thank you. Happy Christmas pig, Sunil. Do you know what a Christmas pig is? No, do you cook it?

No, you celebrate it. You celebrate it. Alistair, do you know what a Christmas pig is? do you cook it no you celebrate it you celebrate it alistair do you know what a christmas pig is yeah because i because i well i don't listen to our podcast but i've been on it a number of times like sunil and so i've just got caught up with what our catchphrases are like christmas pig yeah christmas pig everyone oh it's a catchphrase it well it it came from christmas times what it was was we were doing a christmas special And I think this was the second Christmas special. The first year we'd exhausted all the Jesus-based stories. Because obviously he features quite a lot of Christmas.

And who is the second most important figure in the Nativity story? Pigs. The little pig. It's just next down after Jesus, it was pigs. I think we've missed out the story of when Jesus put the demons in them pigs and then sent them off a cliff that time. No, that's not Christmassy. It's not Christmassy, but it's Jesus-y.

It's not in the Bible, is it? It's in the Bible! Yeah, but which one of the mad birds is it? It's not one of the main ones. It's canon. It's not apocryphal. It's not one they found in a cave 3,000 years later. No, because that would be the future.

Immediately you bring conspiracy theories to the podcast. Sunil Dead Sea Scrolls denier Patel. No, what it was was the poles shifted, so there's different civilizations just contributed to the same document. Just before we go on further, how old do you think the planet Earth is? 6,000 years. How flat do you think the planet Earth is? Well, I live on a hill so

looks pretty flat for a bit how hollow and full of dinosaurs do you think the planet earth is but no and so we ended up talking about pigs quite a lot at christmas and then that just became christmas pig and and it's now a thing it's just a thing now well it sounds quite wholesome doesn't it? It sounds like something you do at Christmas. What are you drinking, James? Water, softened water. Softened water, you pussy.

I add calcium to my water as a northerner. You're just great chalk. Like a barista with some nutmeg. Yeah, softened water. Well, Sunil, what with you being from Somerset Way, right? I've found a pig story from near

Somerset. Right, different county or same county? Oh, no, it's a different county. Devon. Devon, you ever heard of it? Yeah, I went there recently. Oh, yeah, what were you doing in Devon? Not a patch on Somerset. I was... That's actually its slogan. When you drive into Devon, that's what it says on the sign.

Where I want this story to come from is Braunton. Braunton. Oh, I know Braunton, yeah. It's a village founded by the otherwise unknown saint, Saint Branach. That's the report I'm getting here. It's an otherwise unknown saint. And I thought... Saint Kenneth Branach.

I want to know how unknown this saint is. So I went straight to Wikipedia and he does have a Wikipedia page. He's not read. unknown saint and i thought kenneth brannock i want to know how unknown this saint is so i went straight to wikipedia and he does have a wikipedia page he's not red he's blue on wikipedia yes every saint has got a wikipedia page just like every comedian's parents blue hyperlink and i thought of us three who's got a wikipedia page who could be described as otherwise unknown? Alistair, ABK, you've got a Wikipedia page. A stub, perhaps. A stub. It's definitely been listed as not noteworthy in the past by... Can I go and edit it now? You could. Nothing could stop you. But then I will find out what your IP is.

Hang on, I don't actually know how to spell your first name. This is my one defence against the hackers. Sunil's got a Wikipedia page, surely. Sunil, born 17th January 1980. Wrong. He's a doctor. Yes, okay. Did my mum write it?

Is it a different... It's called the Sunil of Dreams. What kind of doctor is she? Surely there's a disambiguation. No, I don't actually have a Wikipedia. You don't have a Wikipedia? No, I keep myself underground, you know, just for the people. With the dinosaurs.

Underground, but also outside. Yeah, yeah. I'm surprised that you don't have a Wikipedia page. I'm sure I've said this to you, but I always think of you as being like the weeping angels from doctor who have i said that no because i wouldn't get it anyway well i'll explain are you not a nerd i obviously i knew you wouldn't know what what they were so first of all doctor who is a long-running science fiction television program yeah and he's also not really a doctor by the way he's not a doctor either and the weeping angels really a doctor by the way he's not a doctor either and the weeping angels basically they try and get you but they never move when you're looking at them but

basically whenever i look away from you you achieve some some comedy milestone or something you know you're in a movie or you're in a sitcom you're doing something terribly interesting but whenever i'm looking at you completely emotionless and seem to bring no effort in whatsoever yeah last time we met each other we were at dinner i'm not gonna be making anything well i was hustling because i'm always hustling i don't know i you know i've got my my blackberry out i'm networking i get it i get it i actually go harder over christmas just to get one up is that your secret when the rest of us are resting you did 12 months of hustle just over the Christmas break. Now, what I do is I take 363 days off

except for my birthday and Christmas day. And just with those two days, he's outperforming 99% of us. I did do a gig on my birthday last year and I did regret it just because I chose to do it because I thought it's my birthday so I'll just do it so I thought it's my birthday,

so I'll just do it so I can tell myself that I've done something productive today. Absolute waste of time. It's the thing with some companies, they'll give you the day off on your birthday. Will they? Yeah, I think because it's just annoying when it's someone's birthday. Speaking as someone who has a birthday,

which was the other day, I was very annoying around it. Really asking everyone, what are you doing this weekend? And then, oh, me? Oh, going out for my birthday. Happy birthday, by the way. Oh, yeah, happy birthday, mate.

Yeah, actually, thank you very much, finally. I'm going to Bird World for my birthday. You're welcome to join. Is it... Don't try and make a 1970s joke. Damn it. All right. If we go, we with a couple of geezers

we've got the cameras on so I can see your expression I can see when you're getting ready it's very 1970s to do some ironic sexism no I don't like birds so you're going to enjoy their cage no it'll be fun

I do like birds it'll be interesting haven't really done anything wholesome for a long time so well how about learning about a saint basically starts off the history of st branagh is confused okay and so what i've learned is basically tradition says that he traveled from wales to build a church in braunton and first of all he built it on a hill overlooking the village but it just fell down instantly so So he had a dream that he

was told to look for a sow and seven piglets. Wherever he found them, that was where he was supposed to build his church. Sounds a little bit derivative of St. Cuthbert in Durham, where it's a cow that tells you where to build the church. But, you know, I don't want to judge. As it says in Friend of the Show, Law of the Land, it offers a pleasant variation on the theme of a holy spot indicated by Oxen. Oh, okay. Who says that? Friend of the show, Law of the Land by Westwood and Simpson. But is this what he got

made a saint for? Yes, basically this was his miracle, was seeing a pig and making a church. No, you can't do that. That is genuinely all it was. Take it up with the Pope, Sunil. The alternate version of the story is he was attempting to build his church on one site, but the sow and piglets

kept shifting the stones by night to the spot where it now stands. That is the worst excuse from a builder for why a job isn't finished. Clearly you've got another job on. Don't tell me a sow and piglets are moving the stones.

Did they just let pigs out and about back then? Were they just wandering about? As we found over the Christmas pig period, there are a lot of tales of just loose pigs. Right. LP. When there isn't time to say loose pigs. And a lot of those LPs now are IP, sadly.

In a lot of churches, there are pigs and piglets like built into the masonry or into the carvings of the pews. And people always cite that as being like, well, that's because there was a pig involved in the building of this church. Again, according to a friend of the show, Law of the Land, a more likelier explanation is that it descends from a well-known Roman tradition about the founding of a city in the... That one by Virgil. The Aeneid. Aeneid. Yeah, okay.

Well, there's loads of pigs in that. Well, Aeneas landed at the mouth of the Tiber, where a river god appeared to him, and then in a dream told him that the next morning he'd see a giant white sow with 30 piglets. And this was a portent that in 30 years' time, his son would found a city there. And these words proved true. So... Oh, did they? What was the city?

The city was... Rome, surely. No, it was Alba Longa. And his son was called Asanius. I feel bad. I do know the story of the... I've read the Aeneid, so I should know that. Yeah.

What's it about? Go on, then. It's the mythological story of people leaving Troy after the fall of Troy and founding the Roman civilization. That's why I thought it'd be Rome. And Rome's on the Tiber. I thought Rome was founded by the two little boys with the wolf mum.

It is. Yes. And Remus. You should know that from Star Trek. Yes, you should, actually. You daft nerd. Yeah, so that's your basic sort of pig buildering. You know, 30 pigs equals 30 years, but one big pig equals a city. Yeah. It's just simple maths. That's the exchange rate.

Yes. So, yeah, I mean, it's just a little Christmas pig tale, just to wet the Christmas whistle. How did you find that? What's Christmassy about it? No, it's got pigs in it. Oh, sorry. It's Christmas pig.

We're trying to put the pig back into Christmas pig pig pigs aren't inherently oh you're trying people have forgotten the real meaning of christmas pig yeah well there's christmas hams aren't they yeah actually that's a front i don't support any of this pigs in blankets no there's uh you're commercializing it it's not about that it's about just pigs being themselves running about interfering with builders no i like i like pigs you're on the defensive now we've got i've always been they're very intelligent creatures can't see the sky can they can pigs not look up no they can't look up is this what do you mean like no you gotta hold it like um like a barrel so she's a pig's like and then you tilt it back down it It's like, oh, tilt it back up.

To be fair, I don't look up that much either, but I can see the horizon from my hill. I've never seen you turn your head in any direction. I don't have neck. I have very little neck. This is the angels thing. This is the Doctor Who angels thing. You're like a Tim Burton protagonist.

You just have to move your head and shoulders together. You're like original Batman. I know know it's not the original batman i have the build of a um front row forward don't know where you don't really need neck you just you just need thick or fat bit in the back of head forehead like a battering ram let me grab hold of that you need a real blunt instrument of a head basically so wait a minute do you mean pigs can't look up or pigs can't conceive of sky i don't mean a bit of both i think i don't think they have different words for they know they can't look up their necks can't go

up is this a continuation of the dogs can't look up thing from is that true based or shawn of the dead or something it's not true nick frost thought dogs couldn't look up to be fair they don't have much neck either some do the longer dogs okay yeah i think Frost thought dogs couldn't look up. To be fair, they don't have much neck either. Some do. The longer dogs. Okay, yeah. I think their necks don't go up into the air like a bird or something. They don't do that. Okay. But you can roll a pig over. I've seen pigs rolling right over.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They can rotate on that axis, James. Nobody's... Well, they just need to go on their back and look down. Do they go on their back that much? Depends. A sow. A big sow would. Yeah, I guess. For 30 piglets. You they go on their back that much? A sow, a big sow would, for 30 piglets. You'd be tired, wouldn't you? Or go on a hill, or be on a hill. That's exactly what I said. They could go uphill.

They could be on a hill. A very steep hill and they could see the sky that way. It was my only pig fact, guys. I hope you've learned your lesson. I'm looking at all the different things you can Google after Alistair Beckett King wife mother tore hair mother I can understand wife but mother you're not going to believe this is sixth one down

doctor who I was I did one line in a podcast that explains that do you want to know what I get for Sunil Patel I'm your first up tv writer lovely second Sunil Patel whisper I mean, first up, TV writer. Lovely. Second, Sunil Patel whisper. Oh, so he's a TV producer. I thought you... Did you not do an advert? You're always doing adverts. I thought you just had a famous whisper. Cashing those sweet paychecks.

Cadbury's Brunch Bar, that was. Are you obliged to mention that? Yeah, yeah. It keeps you... It keeps hunger locked up till lunch. No, what's that? Shreddies? I think that's Shred shredding they're actually quite strict about not using other

people's catchphrases and slow motion and worryingly uh considering how cheeky i've been uh on this recording next one down is sunil patel murk oh like mercenary like a mercenary m-e-r-c-k yeah yeah it's the drug company. Oh, okay. Probably some sort of pharmaceutical rep. Oh yeah, and then P-W-C, which is probably rude. No, that's PricewaterhouseCoopers. I know why Sunil knows that, but why do I know what that says? These are all very professional people.

Sunil Patel, artist. That's not me either. Finally, Sunil Patel Nationwide. That's me. Which is a request and a current reference to an advert you're in at the time Sonil Patel Nationwide that's me which is which is a request and a current reference to an advert you're in

at the time of recording that's it with Dominic West Dominic West yeah ooh I haven't even seen this advert I don't know

you got away with it it's been bloody I've got a Dominic West fact what's your Dominic West fact from Sheffield is he is he know that from the accent

second fact has no concept of the sky can't look up Dominic West Is he? Is he? No, that from the accent. Second fact, Gaz no concept of the sky. Can't look up Dominic Wesker. Did you Google that? What, you? Yes, on Opazel Nationwide. It was just the next one down.

Was it? Bloody hell. Yeah. I always keep tabs of what I'm being Googled for. Do you not have your Google Analytics notifications turned on? I don't want anything

to do with that or nothing to do with that. Well, I'm going to set it up for you. Just find out what your keywords are. Actually, well, your name isn't that common, so you would only get very relevant results, right? Yeah, it's just me. I suppose your name is, as we've demonstrated,

somewhat more common than mine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't believe the number of people that get higher up on the search rankings than me. I'm annoyed, to be honest. Pricewaterhouse Cooper. They're just people who work in jobs like normal people they're not celebrities they're not doing the cabris brunch bar they're not misremembering the cabris brunch bar slogan they've not been invited to do this podcast

they haven't even been on lawmen when you say friend of the podcast law what's the book called the law of the land yeah they don't book called? The Law of the Land. Yeah, they don't know they're our friends. Oh, they don't know they're your friend. Okay. No, the book is a friend, which is really a damning indictment of my childhood. No, but it's like if I met Dominic West, I would talk to him as if we had met because I know who he is, but he wouldn't know who I am.

And that's our relationship to the book. Sheffield. Just show him a photograph of the sky. Yeah, get him an angled mirror. Blow his mind. I now have a famous namesake as a musician called James Shakeshaft. No way!

There's a second James Shakes? There is a second. I thought there could be only one, but no, there is another. Because didn't you look up the history of the name Shake Shaft? Of course I did. And a lot of it was to do with... Onanism.

Onanism, yeah. Yes. There's no way they put that in history books. They did. They would have used euphemisms. That doesn't mean the same thing. Yes, that is the origin, one of the potential origins. It also might have been like an army pike

man oh right and my guy was so nervous and so shaky that he became his surname yes yeah basically same as the spear guy that some people have heard of what's that one same route shakespeare same same army position oh yeah so you forgot norman lillard's name and william shakespeare no the second one the shakespeare one that was more of a riddle from you i did give it in the form of an annoying crossword clue he's the guy um they said wrote them plays oh no here we go that's the guy they framed for writing those but it was somebody else obviously he wrote the plays on a grassy knoll but who's this James Shakespeare character then and do we need to do something about it

I heard of him from Six Music I was pottering in my kitchen and one of the DJs that I don't like so not Huey came on and said and our next track's from James Shakespeare and I genuinely was shocked like what have I done

oh it's like Black Mirror it was it was like an episode of Black Mirror was it good music it's alright

it's kind of folky of course it's folky I didn't even need to ask weirdly he's got a bit of the look

of an Alistair Beckett King oh yeah you've got a folk look yeah with my looks and your name

and any amount of musical talent we could destroy this guy we could destroy this guy. We could get one play on six music. I'll make you some beats, guys. Oh, lovely stuff. Oh, no, I'm still top.

You're still top. There he is. You're still top result, though. That's pretty good. Top of the results, yeah. How many Shake Shelfs are there? How many Beckett Kings are there? There's one other Beckett King, which is my sister.

Not to dox myself too much on the internet, but it's basically, if you find one it's us you've hyphenated your parents so that there is you are there are only two um i'm down to me and my sons and this lad this singer oh and this other lad and i think there's one to do with football and probably their parents as well right maybe that was the thing about my dad's funeral there was i really did have a sneaking suspicion there was going to be a secret family. Really? Why? There's so many people that look like me.

And he was quite the Lothario. But I don't, I think we're straying from the true message of Christmas Pig here. I do feel like we've drifted, yeah. Happy Christmas Pig to you, Sunil. Thank you. Happy Christmas Pig to you, Alistair, and to you, James. I still don't really know what that is.

Stop undermining Christmas Pig. Right, it'sair, and to you, James. I still don't really know what that is. Stop undermining Christmas Pig. Right, it's been a vague story about a saint who built a church near a pig. This was like the Scrooge of Christmas Pig. Can't just say pigs. You bookkeeping staff, there's more lines from the Muppets version. Is this a Christmas special?

Yeah, it's the Christmas special. Why do you think we keep saying Christmas? I'm looking in the background of your... Okay, Alistair, the background is quite Christmassy. That's quite nice. Yeah, that's a Christmas special? Yeah, it's the Christmas special. Why do you think we keep saying Christmas? I'm looking in the background of your... Okay, Alistair, the background is quite Christmassy. That's quite nice. Yeah, that's a Christmas tree there. I've got a goth Christmas tree made of bones. Goth Christmas tree?

What's that? It's made of driftwood. So it's very spooky. Didn't know goths celebrated Christmas. Well, we do. You're not goth. Don't call yourself a goth. I'm a goth now.

Hey, what am I wearing? I'm wearing a black Dungeons and Dragons hoodie. Black and red. So I think I know a thing or two about counterculture. Have either of you two got advent calendars? Yes. Yes. Which ones?

We've got a chocolate one that is raided on the regs. And I have a vegan chocolate one, which they've really captured the taste of bad advent calendar chocolate. It tastes exactly the same as rubbish, real chocolate. Is it like Hershey's? Yeah. Really cardboardy. I feel like it takes on the taste of the, real chocolate. Is it like Hershey's? Yeah. Really cardboardy. I feel like it takes on the taste of the box.

Right. You know? My mum bought us four advent calendars, one each. One each for the parents, one each for the kids. Two dairy milk advent calendars, one Hey Dougie, and one Paw Patrol. Which one did you go for? I wanted the dairy milk, but I wasn't there on the 1st of December, and the kids bag-zied the dairy milks each,

and I've been relegated to Paw Patrol. I've got a Paw Patrol advent calendar. With, mum doesn't listen to this podcast, bad chocolate in it. Is one of them in the shape of a bone? Please tell me at least that it's shaped. The Hey Dougie one and the Paw Patrol one, they're both canine, yes. So it all looks and tastes like dog food. Right.

You can go to the shop tomorrow and buy whichever one you want. That's a good point. Yeah, yeah. We're grownups. Yeah. But if you had to choose a Cadbury's chocolate treat, is the one you'd recommend the one that you think stands out from the others? If I had a choice of all the Cadbury's.

If you had to choose of all of them. Or any brand. It doesn't have to be Cadbury's, but I just thought you're probably a Cadbury's man. Cream egg. Brunch bar isn't a treat. It's actually very good for you. It's actually nutritious. It's basically a workout.

For the mouth. It's like eating celery. It's taking calories to eat it. You can starve just eating Cadbury's brunch bars. It's like eating celery. It's taking calories to eat it. You can starve just eating Cadbury's brunch bars. It's like rabbits. I reckon if you ate just Cadbury's brunch bars, you'd probably lose a lot of weight. As in, it's bad for you.

You'd be pretty ill. It's good to have a varied diet of different flavours of brunch bar. I tried to wrap this up really nicely and neatly, James. You derailed this with advert calendars. So when it comes to the edit, I don't want to be getting complaints in WhatsApp. I don't feel like much has happened in this podcast. We don't need to do the scores.

We don't need to do anything. No, I'll score something. It's going to be out of five as ever. So first category would be supernatural. Zero. What? It came to him in a dream. Yeah, that was God. That's not supernatural.

Yeah, pigs moving bricks is just nature. Zero. Okay. Zero out of supernatural. Yeah, and pigs moving bricks is just nature. Zero. Okay. Zero out of five. Second is naming. We've got St. Brannock who's almost unknown. And Broughton.

No, it's pretty... Couldn't be a more sort of beige name. I think the scoring section was a mistake. I think it's a very low score. Okay, final category.

Given it's Christmas Pig, the score is this category is Pig. Five, yeah. Yeah, it's more than five because you had that sow with loads of 30 30 yeah 36 38 pigs in total oh i saw i thought it was out of five yeah it is out of five but it's got to be a five great well thanks very much yeah christmas pig everyone christmas pig