Loremen Podcast - Xmas Pig with The Quantum Mechanics!

Episode Date: December 26, 2023

It's Pig Boxing Day! Do you box a pig? Or put a pig in a box? We simply don't know. Instead of worrying about that, listen to the final Xmas Pig special. James meets up with Pete and Ben from The Quantum Mechanics podcast to share a story about an absolute pig of a bridegroom... As ever, join us on the Patreon (www.patreon.com/loremenpod) for exclusive behind-the-scenes material. James put a lot of work into these Xmas Pig episodes, surely he has earned a spoonful of gruel? (Alasdair didn't lift a finger to help. Don't think about that!)

Psst, Alistair's not here again. I've gone rogue. I'm speaking to some other paranormal podcasters. It's the Quantum Mechanics. Hi, the Quantum Mechanics. How are you doing? Good, thank you. Yeah, really good. It's Pete and Ben, specifically. I'm Peter. And I'm not. We're all over the country. I'm in what I can only assume is a haunted house that we've rented for the Christmas season down near my in-laws. Oh, right.

Have you seen anything? Have you heard anything? No, but it's taken me half an hour to connect to you guys and the dog keeps staring into the corner. Oh, a haunted Wi-Fi router. Well, I think we might have brought a gremlin with us. Genuinely, something really odd is happening. When we three get together, there's always gremlins, right? There is always gremlins.

But I'm toasting you both with a wee dram for christmas oh it seems the done thing exactly christmas pig to you christmas pig to you peter christmas pig to all who celebrate thank you very much for the purposes of this episode the quantum pigs is that correct yeah or a pig mechanic but i suppose that's a sort of vet that's a butcher oh i suppose a vet or a butcher depending on how you look at it yeah so yeah well thanks very much for doing our christmas piggery yeah i'm very excited about the pigs thanks for having us are you aware of the christmas pig do i need to explain to you the context of christmas pig or are we all up to speed to be honest i don't know but i i thought if james says it's true it must be does it does it last all the way to hogmanay? Oh, lovely stuff. That is first class.

That is first class. Thank you very much. I've got nothing to add to that. I will see you all in the new year. When I knew we were having a pig theme, I thought I'd go trailing around to see if I could find some pig stories. And I started thinking that I'm sure there are many wives and partners out there have used the phrase i married a pig well in some folklore and fairy tales people kind of really

did and i've been sticking my snout into some european folklore where people mainly princesses have taken on a hog husband oh wow a hog husband now there's quite a few of these and weirdly there's a sub-genre that I found for hedgehogs. Now, I don't think that necessarily... No, there isn't. Yeah, there's many a story of marrying a hedgehog, which I think could have some practical difficulties. A pig, maybe, you know, because of the size,

you could potentially dress it up and convince someone who was, you know, very easily led. But a hedgehog is simply too small. Well, we'll stick with the pigs. One story that caught my eye was first transcribed into parchment by Gian Francisco Straparola in the late 1500s. Strap in.

So this came out in the 1500s, though they believe its folklore origins likely came a lot earlier and from China. But it's the story of King Pig. Oh, wow. Was he the king of the pigs or a pig that would be king? but it's the story of King Pig. Oh, wow. Was he the king of the pigs or a pig that would be king? I guess we're going to find out. We will have to wait and see.

So this is the legend of Gael Lotto, the king of Anglia, who was a wise and kind ruler, who was married to Urcilia, the beautiful daughter of the king of Hungary. Now, for many years, they tried for a child in air, but they had no success. I'm not sure why, but randomly, Urcilia, the queen, went for a walk one day, and she was feeling a bit tired.

You know, it's been a long day. So she lied down on some grass, and she had a nap. And while she was asleep, three fairies beheld her, and they were dazzled by her beauty, and they discussed how they might protect her with a spell. Sounded kind of them, right, Soph? The first fairy cried out, I will that no man shall be able to harm her,

and that the next time she lay with her husband, she may be with child and bear a son, who shall not have his equal in all the world. So good so far? Mm-hmm. That sounds a nice sentiment. Bit graphic, but yeah. Oh, it gets worse.

The second fairy said, i will that no one shall ever have power to offend her and that the prince who shall be born of her shall be gifted with every virtue under the sun nice every virtue even mutually exclusive virtues i was just going to go there there's a there's a problematic clause there isn't that but yeah yeah it's going to get more problematic for the queen. The third fairy, she kind of starts well, but then she goes a little off piste. She says, I will that she shall be the wisest among women, but the son whom she shall conceive shall be born in the skin of a pig,

with pig ways and manners. And in this state, he shall be constrained to abide till he has have three times taken a woman to wife whoa i i don't know i i got the feeling the other two fairies were like what's going on we just done these lovely wishes right we're doing nice things not like weird pig like blind date pig in a poke the queen wakes. She doesn't know anything about this, right? For the best. Well, she is, because in a few days she became pregnant.

And when she gave birth to her son, indeed, he had the form of a pig and not a human being. Now, the king just didn't really take this very well. He wanted to put the child to death. You wouldn't, would you? No. Well, it's interesting. He says, I wanted to spare the queen the shame of giving birth to him which i think's a bit typical man because obviously he had nothing

to do with it right you know what i mean he mellows and they decide to bring the pig boy up as a human being rather than a brute beast now the pigling prince was loved by his mother, and he grew up and even began talking like a human being. So I think he's a bit kind of human-pig hybrid by the sounds of it, right? Right. Apart from his looks, there were other telltale signs of his swine-like nature. He would walk around the village. Now, he'd be fine. He'd be absolutely normal until he came across a puddle or a load of mud,

and then he'd just roll around and wallow in it all day okay this is normal three-year-old this is standard three-year-old stuff well as he got older after he'd been wallowing in the mud he said to his mother in a grunting tone it says which i think is very you know i'm not doing the grunting tone but he said to his mother i wish to get married and his mother again bit cruelly i think said do not talk so foolishly what maid would ever take you for a husband and think that any noble or knight would give his daughter to his one so dirty and ill-savoured as you wow that's just rude that's yeah that's tough love from the mum now the pig prince just wouldn't let it go and finally his

mother had a plan and her plan basically involves bribery and the abuse of power. Oh, okay. She's royalty, you know what I mean? So she goes to, there's a poor woman in the village who has three daughters, and said, if your eldest daughter marries my son, you will have riches beyond your wildest dreams. I think there might have been a little veiled threat at the end as well, but, you know, I'm trying to keep it a bit more disney you know what i mean so the two were married but it wasn't

a match made in heaven on the wedding night the bride said to herself what am i doing with this foul beast this very night while he lies in his sleep i will kill him oh right okay this is escalating this is on their wedding night yeah i did escalate very quickly and it gets a little bit darker because the pig prince he hears these words now he said nothing at the time but when they went to bed he gets into the bed when she's asleep it says gets into the bed which was stinking and dirty as he was he defiled the sumptuous bed with his filthy paws and snout he laid down by his spouse who has not long fallen to sleep and he killed her? He killed her.

He got in there first. Accidentally, though, is this? Oh, no, no. It was deliberate. He didn't like the insult and thought, she's going to kill me. So he got in first. So although he's the shape of a pig, he still remains the sentience of a human. Yes, that seems to be the thing, apart from when he comes across mud

and then everything goes out the window. Oh, he's just trampling it right, I see. Oh, he's some sort of porcine hybrid. Oh, I like that, a porcine hybrid. Well, this murder of killing, at least, well, we think murder, don't we? Didn't go down with the queen, his mother, and the king starts thinking about killing his son again, which he wanted to do originally.

But again, it kind of calms down a bit. Really? The pig prince. I suppose it's got to. Yeah. Well, the pig prince, rather than be wracked with guilt, he kind of doubles down. He goes back to his mother and says, I want to marry again.

She goes back to the old woman who's now only got two daughters left oh no and gets one of them to marry him again so this is second one i mean i to be if you can imagine what the best man speech on the first wedding that must have been pretty strained but to do it like to have to come up with a whole load of new material because it's going to be the same guests well And the father of the bride speech again. It's just going to cross out the name, change the name. The wedding breakfast menu is going to have to be very carefully considered. Oh, good gosh, yes.

No bacon butties in the morning. No pigs in blankets. Hog roast. That's a classic wedding staple, yeah. It's a classic wedding staple, yeah. Yeah. Well, the pig prince marries this second wife. Now, this marriage ended the same way as the first.

No. The prince kills his bride, claiming she would have killed him if not. How does he know the plan, firstly? And is it only him that's saying about this plan? Well, the first one he overheard. Right, okay. The first one he overheard. The second one, he doesn't really go into detail of the plan.

I think he thought this defense works for me i'm just going to use it again you know what i mean so no she would have killed me so i killed her first right okay oh i see i see i see i see i can see where this is going yeah i can it's quite presumptuous and again it's interesting the number three again always the number three yeah yeah yeah and three little three. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And three little pigs. Exactly. That's what I was thinking, yes.

But this is doing it the other way around. Wait a minute. What did the wolf do to those pigs? It didn't marry them, right? No, I don't think so. No, no. Well, they couldn't provide a stable home, could they? Oh, nice.

Very nice. So the pig prince got over the murder of his second bride, and he starts pestering his mother again to marry the last of the three testers, who's called Meldina. I thought you were going to say Mel B. I don't know. They didn't tell me what the other two were called, but this one's called Meldina, so there you go.

Now, this third marriage did have a better start. And in fact, the story gets a bit racy at this point. I quote, The pig prince kissed her on the face and neck and bosom and shoulders with his tongue, and she was not backward in returning his caresses so that he was fired with a warm love for her. I reckon it was about to get to the loins and the chops.

There's a little bit of kind of metaphor and innuendo, I think, going on here, do you not? And that warm love was 180 degrees or gas mark seven for 35 minutes until golden brown. Bit of olive oil and then some sea salt. So, yeah, they have a bit of a caress. They have a bit of a snogging session, by the sounds of it. And as soon as it was time for retiring for the night,

the bride went to bed and awaited her unseemly spouse. And as soon as he came, she raised the coverlet and bade him lie near her and put his head upon the pillow. And she covered him carefully with the bedclothes and drawing the curtains so that he might not feel cold. It sounds like their first wedding night certainly went better. Okay, we're panning across to a window and the curtains billowing. Curtains are drawn.

You can make up where you go from there. But we're hearing the noises of oinking. We're hearing a rhythmic oinking. It's horrible. And the odd grunts. I mean, I'm nearly 50. The same thing happens. The conclusion to the story,

I have to say it gets a little bit weirder than it has been so far. What? I beg your pardon? No, this gets really surreal now. Does she turn out that she's a goose or something? No, that would be not as weird as what goes on next. The pig prince tells his wife he has a secret and he will confide in her if she promises never to tell anyone. And she agrees.

Is it that he murdered her sisters? No, he didn't know he didn't go into that be now sure of his wife discretion and fidelity i don't know how he's sure of her fidelity but there you go he straight away shook off from his body the foul and dirty skin of the pig and stood revealed as a handsome and well-shaped young man, and all that night rested closely, folded in the arms of his beloved wife. So he kind of takes off his skin. Yeah. In the morning, the prince puts back on his pig hide and carries on as normal,

like the pig prince he is. What, as a normal pig? A normal pig prince. A normal pig prince, yeah, like every other pig prince. Yeah, got it, yeah, right. I couldn't quite figure out why, but this is what he does. His bride keeps her promise of not telling anyone for a while,

but eventually she tells the queen his secret. And this is after she gives birth to the couple's first child, who's a fully human child. So maybe that was the kind of motivation for telling the queen. It gets weird. The queen doesn't believe the story.

Oh, she thinks she's been having an affair. She decides to go to the pig prince's bedchamber with the king in tow and get a look at what really is going on in the couple's bedroom. I mean, no wonder he became a pig serial killer. Yeah. While they, Prince Pig and his bride,

are in otherwise, well, I guess kind of engaged. As he's slithered out of his pigskin. That's not a sausage, sir. The king sneaks into the bedroom, picks up his pigskin, takes it away, destroys it. By burning, I think. Would have smelt nicer, I think. But he took it away and destroyed it. Right, so he now can't transform back.

No. And then the story just kind of ends the king then gives up his throne gives it to his son and they all live happily ever after wait so he just maintains as a human for the rest of his time yeah yeah no he's fine he's just a human everything's fine where was this east anglia when it was well so the story apparently originates in china but it was written up in the 1500s in Italy. But yeah, it said something about Anglia. I don't know if there's an Anglia region of Italy.

So the King of Mercia, was it, or something? King of Anglia, who was a wise and kind ruler and was married to the beautiful daughter of the King of Hungary. It's royalty. They just get around. It's all over the place. I have to say, looking at your reaction while I've been delivering this, I can see why my pitch to Disney went so badly.

Yeah. The King Pig. It never got off the ground. Prince of Pigs. That sounds like a really delicious pork-themed curry restaurant. The Prince of Pigs, yeah. The Prince of Pigs. But that is not a way to live your married life.

No. Well, which one? Which married life? We've had two deaths. Yeah, two. Well, let's not. Yeah, let's not be about the bush. Yeah.

To double murder plus reverse pig role play thing going on. And I think the third sister, she kind of forgave him for killing her two other sisters just that didn't seem to factor in i'm not sure i trust anyone's judgment in that story right i'm perfect i i completely agree i think i think there's something odd going on there if i do say so myself i think there is something else going on there i think it's the human pig baby murdering two sisters marrying the other and then sloughing off his skin of a night of passion with the third sister. Which his parents go and watch. Yeah, and then the parents come in and watch it.

Yeah, that's a bit weird, isn't it? That's what makes Christmas so hard. Is that not the pig Christmas you were looking for? Christmas pig, everyone. Is that the end of the story, does they all that is the end there they just lived happily ever after i think they're all very very scarred from their experiences can i score it yes go well like the sloth skin like you should do yeah with a with skin for crackling okay so naming i enjoyed san francisco so jan francisco Straparola was the guy who wrote the story in the 1500s

based on a Chinese, we think, legend. I'm going to the disco with Straparola. The king's name was Gaelotto, who married Urcilia. It feels like the vicar forgot Celia's name. Urcilia? The pig prince was basically just called the pig prince. The two first wives were not given names. And the third wife was Meldina, which that's quite a nice name, I think.

It's quite a fairy tale name. Meldina and Melbina. Yeah, you've got Mel B, Mel C and Meldina. Yeah. And Scary Delicious Spice. And Seven Spice that you're going to rub into your husband's sloughed-off skin. I think it's a three because a few people just didn't have any names. And maybe that's to protect their identities because I imagine, yeah,

there's going to be a lot of safeguarding going on after this story. Yeah, I think some of the names were redacted to protect their reputation. And then, well, supernatural, the fairies, they were definitely supernatural and they came in quite well with their first two wishes.

I'm not, I'm not sure that those wishes came true. Well, she did have a son. She did have a son. First one was about having the son yeah there was this feeling that he'd be kind of kind and virtuous is it virtuous to murder two sisters and then live your life as a pig yeah uh yeah i'm not sure that i suppose there is the thing

you know accepting who you are that's all good yeah i don't think it's virtuous to murder two sister i don't think it's virtuous to murder two anybody I don't think it's virtuous to murder two. Anybody's I'm going to go out and say, I'm with you. Call me part of the woke karate. The Christmas spirit has really got to you. The whole pig Prince was very magical. The Meldina would accept him as a husband was, I think that was unnatural.

So that's going to, it's going to be a four for supernatural for me. Good. Yeah. And then final christmas pig category is of course pig now whilst there was only one pig well the story really hinged on it and he was king and he was and he was prince and then and then king but he was no longer pig when he was the king his pig ways had been renounced for him which means the title doesn't

work does it his pig leather jacket had been thrown on the fire this pig in king well i think it's a christmas pig four because he's got to be about the pigs it's just that he stops being a pig at the end which for the score of pig is um unsatisfactory would there have been a five if he'd have if he'd maintained his his pig-like, pig-ish, swinish nature. Although he wanted to, it was only his father who burnt his skin. Yeah, that's a normal sentence. I'm not pleading for an extra half a point here, but... He wanted to remain a pig, but his dad burnt his pig skin.

Big skin, yeah. Surely it's four and a half. We don't do halves, Ben. My goodness. Unbelievable. Four is still pretty good. Petereter you definitely bought home the bacon yes very nice well christmas pig the quantum mechanics how do people find your podcast these days i'm guessing it's on the internet right yes well uh they can just uh if wherever you get your pods if you search for the quantum mechanics paranormal podcast or you can visit us at facebook

and at tqm podcast we made it harder for ourselves because if you just search the quantum mechanics and if we'd have known this four years ago you will end up in a very involved uh sort of teaching lecture from oxford university about actual quantum mechanics and then you might wonder why those people went on to the lawmen podcast to talk about pigs so it's very important to look out for not the very high-end one add the quantum mechanics add paranormal at the end and you'll find it we've done some stuff together haven't we we've uh staked out the stones over in ensdon to see if they move on over midsummer are we going to do stone watch 2024 that's i think so come on

we've got to watch those stones if we turn our backs even for a second they could go down to the river and have a drink are we the last time we saw each other we were in a haunted antique center we spent the night there yes that was very spooky yeah that was weird i had a weird vibe at that place i must say and that's on youtube isn't must say. And that's on YouTube, isn't it? The whole video. That's on our YouTube channel, yeah. What do you search to find that? Quantum Mechanics Paranormal? Yeah, podcast.

That special is called Halloween Special 2023, Night at the Swan.