Lucy & Sam's Perfect Brains - Ep 1: The Face

Episode Date: March 29, 2024

Have you got FIRST EPISODE FEVER or what??? Lucy B and Samuel C throw caution to the wind and begin their podcast with a highly complex study of the human face. They analyze each feature in shocking depth, beginning with the bits at the top and working their way right down to the chin and they don't go off on a single tangent. Only listen to this if you are operating heavy machinery please.Recorded by Aniya Das and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.  Artwork by Sam Campbell. Theme music by Paul Williams and Sam Campbell. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If you are interested in seeing a live show, you really need to go to our respective and respectable websites. To buy tickets to see one of my performances, I might be coming to somewhere near you. I'm doing a bunch of different dates. It's samcampbeltour.com. I have a new tour starting in September, and for information about tickets, you can go to my website.

It's Lucy Beaubon. you can go to my website. It's Lucy Beaumont. I can't remember the website. It's.co.uk. But if you just Google Lucy Beaumont website, it'll come up with it. Okay, thank you. Bye. You got to know your website. This is the first radio ad you can smell.

The new Cinnabon pull-apart only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. Sam, what are we talking about this week? Hello, Lucy. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Welcome. Today we plan to discuss and investigate the human face. Wow. The face.

It's not done a lot, is it? No. When was the last time the face was discussed that you know of? Oh, when was the last time the face was discussed? Maybe in a song, maybe in some ancient song, maybe in some folklore, maybe hieroglyphs, the Egyptians, some of the Egyptian people. Yeah.

What made you want to explore the face? I've been looking at them. Have you? I've been looking at people's faces. Do you believe the eyes are the windows to the surf? I do. No, I seriously do. Oh, hold on a second.

We've got a... Lucy, are you ready to hear the theme song? Yeah. Fantastic. I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. I'm talking God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit. The word is good. Are you ready to hear it? God always finds you if you're feeling lost.

Jesus died for you. He was on a cross. The Holy Spirit is the name of the game. It's Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brains. One, two, three, four, five, six. Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. What do you think? Can I just have a few minutes to reflect on it?

Is that okay? I really like it. Did you hear that? Wow. Thank you. Is that an original song or have you sampled that from? I got the help from this guy called Paul. Paul Williams.

He did the music, but I did the singing and the lyrics and the concept. Did you? And when you went into the, did you record it in a recording studio? No, just on the microphone, just at home. At home. And then did you know what you were going to say before you recorded it or did it just, did you let something in the room? It just came to me, yeah.

Did it? Because I read this Tom Wait, what do you call it, where they say something and then years later someone puts a meme on Facebook about it. Just a quote. Yeah, quoting. It's a quote. Oh, you read a quote.

I read a quote. I read a quote and Tom Waits said, sometimes when you're writing a song, you have to get out of the way and let whatever comes in the room take over. Oh, yeah, that's good. I believe in stuff like that. Do you think that's what happened?

Yeah, I think I was taken over. Because that's, I wouldn't even say that's, that's not a jingle. You wouldn't call that a jingle. It's jingly. I think it's quite prophetic. Oh, wow. Prophetic. Yeah, like there's something that a prophet might unleash.

Can I ask you about all the religious elements in it? Oh, yeah. Shall we listen to it again? Yeah. Okay. I've got nothing but love for the voice from above. I'm talking God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit. The word is good.

Are you ready to hear it? God always finds you if you're feeling lost. Jesus died for you. he was on a cross. The Holy Spirit is the name of the game. It's Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brains. One, two, three, four, five, six. Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. There are a few religious elements now that you say that.

Would you say 90% of that is biblical? On a percentage scale? I don't usually, you know, muck around with the percentiles too much, but, yeah, maybe about 90%, sure. But it promotes the podcast a bit at the end. Yeah, let's talk about the end then. The gunshot. The gunshot. Can we call it a gunshot? Oh, yeah. You were loud. podcast a bit at the end yeah let's talk about the end then the gun shot the gun shot can we call it a gun shot oh yeah you were loud it it was a gun was it okay you know it was a gun oh

definitely and did you shoot the gun that's not a real that's just a oh no no no that's just a gun shot that we got from the internet right but would you imagine, because you could do a countdown as well. Well, I think it's rude when someone just shoots a gun. And so what is the scenario there then? What is the listener meant to envisage happening at the end? Well, often a race starts with a gunshot. Yeah. So it's sort of let's get going.

No false starts. Let's hopefully get the record under 10 seconds. That felt like you did a countdown, you shot something, and then was slightly remorseful about doing it. Would you agree with that? I mean, there's different interpretations. I really just, as Tom Waits I think once said, I just leave the room and I just let the angels take over

and really fill me up. So what happened then? What did you shoot? I think it was just up in the air. Let's go. And then you went, oh, can we hear the ending? Yeah, well, let's play the whole thing. I got nothing but love for the voice from above.

I'm talking God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit. The word is good. Are you ready to hear it? God always finds you if you're feeling lost. Jesus died for you, he was on a cross. The Holy Spirit is the name of the game. It's Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brains. One, two, three, four, five, six.

Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. Okay, sorry, I take that back. Because on the third listening, actually, you're not remorseful. I think you've enjoyed that, actually. You know, usually the jingle sort of sets up the podcast. Sure. In tone, theme, perhaps.

Not necessarily theme, obviously. Just the vibe. Yeah. Would you say you're happy with this theme or back to the drawing board? So is God the Holy Spirit? Is that something you want to discuss during any of the episodes or is it just more sets us up? Yeah, it just sets us up. I mean, if that stuff kind of comes up, we love the Holy Spirit, you know.

I'd like to see what the Holy Spirit looks like. You always hear about him, but who is he? I don't know. I used to, because I went to a Catholic school and I thought, because I was at the back a lot when they did the mass, I thought they were saying in the name of the farmer his son and the holy goat i just it took it was years before someone corrected me well because there was a harvest festival i thought everything was to do with farming

what's the harvest festival oh it's a lovely thing that they do um where you bring in um tins of food and put them at the front of the church. And you throw them at the farmers. So getting back to the, what would you like to call the song at the beginning of the show? Well, I mean, I picture it as the theme song. Theme. Yeah, that's a nice theme. The theme.

Are you religious? Not really. No. I actually haven't thought about it enough. Like someone recently asked me, do you believe in God? And I thought, I'm not sure. Right. I actually haven't thought about it enough. Like someone recently asked me, do you believe in God? And I thought, I'm not sure. Right. I just haven't, yeah.

I really just need an afternoon to really get bogged down. Yeah. That's the thing nobody knows really, do they? No one really knows, do they? I feel like you knew in the song. The song I was pretty serious. But that's a different time, you know, when I had that made. I love it.

And I appreciate the work you've put into it. Thank you. It stays. For now, yeah. For now. We need to draw a diagram of the face so we know which bits to discuss. To remind us. Maybe we should end on the eyes.

End on the eyes? Yeah, don't you think? They are the big stars. But when you're discussing the face, do you start from the forehead down or do you go with which is the most distinguishing finger? Let's go forehead down. Not finger. We can start with there.

Most distinguishing feature. We don't want to get into fingers as well, do we? No one should have a finger on their face. Oh. I guess, unless you're in thought. When in my family, if you pick your nose in front of people, someone say, pick us a wardrobe, and I never knew what that meant. I thought, you know, like sometimes you have things

that just your family say, but you think everyone in the world says it. That was one of those things that I was humiliated by that nobody else says it. Stuff like, Sam, stay out of the shed. What is that? So pick us out a wardrobe. No, pick us a wardrobe. Pick us a wardrobe. Pick us a wardrobe.

And is that like saying, oh, while you're rummaging around and then maybe you'll find me a new? I think it must be. We would sometimes say you've got a bat in the cave if you've got a huge, disgusting wad of snot in your nose. Oh, right. But we haven't even, we can't, we've got to stay away from the nose. We're going to start with the forehead.

What did you just call it? The forehead. Oh, okay. You would never say the forehead? No. What would you say? The forehead. The forehead.

And you would say the... I'd say the forehead. You wouldn you say? The forehead. The forehead. And you would say the... I'd say the forehead. He wouldn't say that. Can you... Does it sound strange to you? He had a very relaxed forehead. Forehead? Forehead.

Sounds like Herod, like King Herod. Forehead. What would you call him? I think it is called the forehead. I get a lot of things wrong in life, but I'm sure it's forehead. I reckon you're probably right, but people are allowed to say forehead. Is that just you or is that the whole of Australia? Yeah, I think most people in Australia would say that

and most people in any civilised society. In polite society, we would say forehead. Your forehead is looking splendid, madam. Oh, the teeth I forgot about. Hold on. Oh, the teeth part of it. Wow, okay. Is that alright? I love that. You need to take a picture of that and we'll put it

on the Patreon. We don't have that. On our Twitter we have a Twitter account. We've got accounts. We're going to chuck that up. People need to see that. I'll label this now. We've got hair we'll start with the hair i think okay oh is that part of the face and then we've got yeah okay i would say it's part of the head oh well there yeah but you're still getting a little bit of it's usually

creeping onto the face yeah yeah yeah so you don't mean head hair just hair yeah okay that's a good distinction we're not allowed to talk about head hair, just head that's on the face. Eyebrows. Yes. And bangs, if people have bangs. Bangs. Okay. Then we go eyebrows. Okay, then we've got eyes, but we're going to save them for last. We're going to close on our, we cannot be talking about eyes too early. Why?

Well, people just listen to that and then switch off. They've got what they need. Oh, this is good. Okay, nose, nostril. What do you call these? These areas, is good. Okay, nose, nostril. What do you call these, these areas, like going down from the nose? Cheeks. Cheeks. And then what's this called, that passage?

Oh, that does have a name. Septum. Septum. No, I don't know that. I don't know that's true. We'll call it a septum. Lip one. This is a great diagram.

Teeth. Lip one. Do you, is that top lip? Lip two. septum. Lip one. This is a great diagram. Teeth. Lip one. Is that top lip? Lip two. Top lip. Lip one. Chin. And then that's it, isn't it? Is the neck part of the...

No. No. Keep the neck out of it. That's going to be a whole other episode, the neck. What about the ears? Oh, they're on there, yeah. So would you say the ears are part of the face? Yes, they are.

So they're not... I would say they're not, but I think that's an interesting debate. Are ears part of the head or part of the face? Yes, they are. So they're not, I would say they're not, but I think that's an interesting debate. Are ears part of the head or part of the face? Oh, goodness. I think they're surely part of the face. Well, you know, it's no one's ears are on the face, are they? Like, I've

never seen anyone who has... We need to start with the definition of the face. I think half of your head is your head and then half of it's the face. But you would think some people's ears would creep further onto the cheeks, but they never do. Some of them are pretty far back on people I've seen. Really?

And what about these people who the ear... Hold on, we're getting onto ears. We've got to start with hair. Okay, we're beginning with hair. Hair? Yeah. Is it protein? Is it?

I think so. Would you ever have it in a shake? No. But we swallow a lot of hair without us knowing. What are you talking about? Apparently we swallow loads of hair and we just don't know we do. Really? We're just on the tube.

You accidentally start sucking on a ponytail. Really? How does it get in there? Just from your head? No, just like you look it up. It's quite astonishing how much hair we swallow. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And is it, it's quite good for you? I don't know. Yeah, no. No, it's not. It's not, is it? Because it can get wrapped in, it can cause damage inside because it can get wrapped around all that stuff. Wait, that's happened?

Someone's been eating too much hair and it's become wrapped around their vital organs? Yeah, it's really dangerous. What about bald people? Yeah. Discuss. Bless them. You bless them? I don't have a problem with bald people, but I think it can really affect people, can't it? It's a shame.

It's not a community I'd want to upset. No. And it's something that men are very, male patterned, and this kind of stuff. Yeah. They can feel very insecure about it. Yeah, I get that. I get that.

But they shouldn't. No. They shouldn't. There's other things they should be more insecure about. Like what? Personality. Oh, gosh. Yeah.

A receding personality. Your personality is just disappearing. But I feel like if you're a bold person, you can never be a romantic lead in a movie. You can only be an action star. Oh, my God. Has there ever? There probably hasn't, has there?

Not that we know of. So no wonder men, because we focus so much on women. Yeah. You know, and actually. But no, it's true that I don't think there has been a. Ever. Oh, it's hard to. I've got none that I can think of.

My God. When was the last time you saw a little bald guy winning someone's heart? Makes me want to write it. You should write it. Yeah. What would you call it? Bald. Just Big Bad Bald Barry.

Big Bad Bald Barry. And he just wants love. He just wants love. Yeah. Big Bad Bald Barry just wants love. Big Bad Bald Barry just wants love. Yeah. Big bad ball Barry just wants love. Big bad ball Barry just wants love. Yeah. Take us through your hairstyles throughout your life if you would like to.

Well, do you know what? I've got different hair to most people in my family. So I never felt I fitted in because I have really curly hair naturally. Do you? Yeah, really, really curly. Wow. But as I've got older because I straightened it so much. With a GHD.

Yeah, I lost the curl. Oh, the curls are gone. The curl will come back if I sort of like, you know, for like go on holiday. Yeah. I just leave it, comes back. Or in like weird temperatures. Humid.

Yeah. But they used to brush it because they didn't know how to so they used to make my hair get bigger and bigger and bigger because no one else had curly hair so they didn't know how you had to look after it because it was tight curls you see so they would just brush it and it would get bigger and bigger and i would not and i wouldn't like it because it would just go it would go out not down yeah i think I've got the same hair. Have you? Yeah. When it gets long, it gets pretty wild. Does it? I turn into a bit of a curly-whirly.

I now really like wild hair. Yeah. But when I was a kid, I wanted it straight. You wanted it perfectly straight. The same as everyone else. I didn't want it to not fit in. Oh, you wanted it to fit in. It was all, did you embrace your hair?

I've never really done much with the hair. I've had a, it sticks up a lot. I had never really done much with the hair. It sticks up a lot. I had some really bad styles. What was that fad where it's just the hair and then at the front you'd sort of stick it up like a cowlick or something? A cowlick, yeah. Yeah, it would just turn up. And that was awful.

I can't believe we were doing that. I think where I'm from people call it a calf lick. A calf lick? Yeah. But I think they've heard a southern person say cow flick and then they've thought they've said calf lick. Oh, really? I think that's where it comes from because it is a cow.

It makes sense that it's a cow lick. Yeah, we were really into those. And we'd stick it right up with product. Really? We were in visors for a while to show our hair. I grew up in like sort of a beach town. Right. Well, yeah, I mean, like round Bagara and stuff like that. And, yeah, we were into visors for a while to show our hair. I grew up in like sort of a beach town. Right.

Well, yeah, I mean, like round Bagara and stuff like that. And, yeah, we were into visors. Visors. Which I've never seen that as a fashion thing again. In the 80s it was. Yet you were imitating the 80s. Maybe it was a bit of a throwback. Maybe.

It might have come around again. Gosh, you can never predict fashion. No. Or maybe it never left the area you live in. Do you ever work at a supermarket? Of course, look at me. And were you a checkout chick? What were you doing?

No, I was never good enough to go on the checkouts. Fruit and veg? I just longed to go on the checkouts. Fruit and veg? I longed, I just longed to go on the checkouts. It was a completely new supermarket. It was brand new. So we had to do all our training in another supermarket. So what they would do is like basically watch you from afar to work out what department you should go in. And I just thought, surely they're're gonna put me in the clothing shop

oh is that the primo spot that's where all them the glamorous women went oh no this is when you really find out about yourself like how others perceive you they put me on cooked chickens put me on rotisserie oh no you were spitting the jokes but i was too small to reach on rotisserie. Oh, no, you were spitting the jokes. But I was too small to reach the rotisserie. Not only was I on the rotisserie counter, I had to wear, like, a hairnet and a big long coat. I was only, like, 16. Oh, no.

Because I couldn't reach up to get the chickens off. I had to have a box that only I, I had that I had to stand on. It was just like so embarrassing. If I saw someone I knew, I'd just, I'd die. I'd die. I'd absolutely die. I'd be so embarrassed.

And I smell of roast chicken. To this day. I got chased home by a dog. I got off the bus and a dog just like chased me. It wasn't far from my house, from the bus stop to my house. Chased me all the way home. That's awful.

And my mum, when I got in, she said, well, it'll think you're a chicken drumstick. Because you stink. You stink of poultry. It's lucky it didn't sort of get you. Yeah, and they moved me then. After the dog attack? No, not after that. I got a lot of burns. After the dog attack? No, not after that. I just got a lot of burns. Loads of burns. You get

so many burns when you work on... Were you taking the box home, by the way? No, no. I kept losing it as well. I had to ask people where my box was. Where's my special chicken box? But because I was getting burnt a lot, they moved me to pizzas. Oh, oh wow you know where you

you pick your own toppings and then i would put it on the pizza and is that um a step up in the world oh massively yeah yeah i didn't eat it's a bit cosmopolitan yeah well it's a bit italian even yeah not the ones i was me but i thought I'd invented the calzone, you know, I was really gutted to find out it had already been invented. That you were folding them up? Yeah, because what people would do, they would really take advantage of me. You know, you're allowed three toppings and it's just done by a scoop. You get one level scoop, but then people would say, oh, put a bit more on.

Oh, really? Put more on. The extra scoop? Yeah, and then put a bit more on. Oh, really? Put more on. The extra scoop. Yeah, and then when you put it on the little, it was like a little metal frame that then you put the cling film over and it was really clever because it was warm. The cling film had like, it's like a, like a bum hole. There's only way I can describe it.

Do you know what I mean? Where it goes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But when, because they have so many toppings on, it would like sag. So I would fold the pizza over. And that's how you invented the calzone.

Yeah. And I was saying to everyone, I don't know why the dust don't fold pizzas. And then eventually someone said. They do do that. They do do do do that. eventually someone said they do do they do do do do that it's timed we've been headlice but now we must become the lines in a far in a forehead are you gonna carry on calling it a forehead sorry no i just need to know i just you can yeah i just need to know it's coming. Okay. So I'll give you a thumbs up if I'm about to say forehead.

Okay. And a thumbs down for forehead. Okay. What's the biggest you've seen? Let's be honest. I've got a quite big forehead. Yours as well? Yeah.

I do have a big forehead. Do you remember a cartoon called The Moomins? I like Moomins. Yeah, I got called that at school. The same forehead as me. They called you a little Moomins. Yeah. Oh, but the Moomins were nice.

Yeah, they had big foreheads. Would you ever get a screen put in there? In my forehead? Mm. What sort of screen? Well, just like a little, like a computer screen. Like a projector? Yeah, like an iPad.

Yeah, like a touchscreen. That's not a good idea. What, like, you mean stick on? Like, how can I actually get a... Yeah, just, like, have that installed. Why? So people can watch telly on my forehead. Here's an idea.

You know if you go to someone's website, sometimes they will have their latest tweet? Yeah. Will be at the bottom of the website. You can have your latest tweet on your forehead. Like a billboard. It's not the worst idea. No, it's not the worst.

Oh, no. There's other ideas, isn. No, it's not the worst. Oh, no. There's other ideas, isn't there, that are bad? So you mean I need to cover it up and distract people? I'm just saying there's space there, there's real estate. On everyone's heads. Not just yours. On everyone's heads. We could put something there.

Some people are really in proportion, though, aren't they? Apparently that's what makes someone really attractive if they're really symmetrical. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Why is that then? Is that just like nature? There must be a reason.

Symmetricality must be somewhere seen like healthier for reproduction. There is a reason for everything, isn't there? Yeah, what would you rather look at, a circle or a disgusting lumpy blob? That's a good question. Do you get bullied only if you have a long one or what about a really small one? I don't think people with small heads, small foreheads get bullied. I think it is about having a big forehead because the fingers,

well, I suppose if someone's got no forehead and their hairline is their eyebrows. Yeah. My friend Stipe, he had sort of a small forehead. He wasn't bullied. He was very well liked. Was he? He was quite successful in life. He's done really well.

I think I haven't caught up with him in a very long time, but he's gone on to pick up. He does some big cases. He's a lawyer now. He's not held him back? Not at all. What's your forehead like? Well, should we have a viewing? Okay. I can fit you in at three. We've got another people coming to look at all. What's your forehead like? Well, should we have a viewing?

Okay, I can fit you in at three. We've got another people coming to look at it. That's my forehead. It's absolutely fine. Perfect? Yeah. It's perfect. You've never honed in on it and worried about it or anything?

Worry about my forehead? Yeah. Not so much. I do worry about it being either, I guess, too shiny or having a bunch of lines on it. You haven't got that, but you're only 30, what? 32. Yeah, you haven't got any lines.

Do you use moisturiser? When I remember, it's not all the time. Right. But I bathe a lot. I live to bathe and I bathe to live. In water or sun or joy? Or in water. In ecstasy.

What do you bathe in? Redemption. I bathe in... Guilt. Regret. What do you bathe in? Redemption. I bathe in... Guilt. Regret. What do you bathe in? Some of these examples are becoming really pointed. Bubbles.

Oh, I do love a bubble bath. Right. But I used to say you could only ever have one bubble bath a year. You should only use one bath bomb a year. Otherwise, you end up on the streets. We are now moving down, I think, to the the eyebrows what do you think about the eyebrows i'll be honest with you i think they're weird i don't understand them i've and i've thought this a lot through my life yeah i don't get them i don't understand why they're there and i've asked like i've asked my mum in the past when i was a kid, why do you have eyebrows?

And she just said because it's to not let the dust go in your eyes. But I don't believe that. That's so weird, yeah. I don't know. Why do we only have them on top? Why don't we have another pair below then? I was at a party once and someone shaved off my eyebrows when I was asleep.

And honestly, I didn't think I looked that bad. I was quite light like i've seen some people around who've got rid of them and they look cool do they yeah yeah a little freaky but you know that's that's nothing that wrong with that what do you think of him i do i mean i get a little out of control every now and again i'll notice one hair that's making a you know a getaway and i'm like jeez he's getting a little wiry i do like them on really old people when they're like they've just gone feral yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah the thicker the better i really think yeah if you're gonna have them go crazy because of the kardashians like it set off a whole revolution they're trying to go as thin as they can are they

no it's about making them as wide and as big and as prominent as you can. But then it meant that like teenage girls copied them with marker pens and stuff like that. Oh, right. They're stealing hair from. Just people who don't naturally have very dark, prominent eyebrows making them look like that. And it just, it's been weird for a lot of years.

And I think now people finally like sorted it out oh you think we're the perfect eyebrows yeah like people now are like realizing what type of eyebrows they need and people who like thread eyebrows are getting it right and there's like there's a lot going on in the eyebrow industry it It's really turned the cost. It's an industry? Oh, my God. It's a multi-million pound industry. The eyebrows are the biggest moneymaker on the face. Oh, that can't be true. It's true. More than teeth?

No. Eyebrows. Well, if I was really small, extremely tiny, that's where I would want to live on the face. What? I would live in an eyebrow. You'd live in the eyebrow? Yeah, if I was a really small person.

What, and then how would you get to the other eyebrow? Would you never get there? Oh, on weekends, yeah. I'd cross the bridge of the nose and, yeah, go visit my friends in the other eyebrow. But some people do have eyebrows that meet in the middle, so maybe like they wouldn't. Are we talking about monobrow?

Yeah, they don't have that problem with wanting to get to the other side they could just it's just one yeah one well that's like the 100 meter pool as opposed to the 50 meter usually if you if you want to swim 100 meters you'd have to do a lap and turn around yeah but that mono brow it's like one big long stretch yeah like i swim in the slow lane at the swimming pool because i i dare put my my my face underneath to get to the i'm i'm probably at the swimming pool because I dare put my face underneath to get to the, I'm probably at the middle lane, I'm medium, I'm not a slow swimmer, but I can't get underneath, you know, there's like a big barrier, like a string thing. Yeah.

Yeah, and I dare get underneath, so I have no choice but to swim slowly. Wait, I don't understand this. So you can't get to the medium lane? No. Can't you just go in, jump in there? No, no, you can't. The only way to get in there is by going underneath it. Oh, you refuse to submerge?

Yeah. Why? Because I'm scared of my face going in the water. And why is that? Because isn't it like drowning? No. Why? You can jump up for air.

So you're saying your face has never been underwater? Yeah. This is an amazing exclusive. If someone had splashed me, yeah, but I haven't actually physically put my face underwater. You've never gone fully underwater. You've got to do it. Why?

You feel alive. Do it in the ocean. Promise me. But for that second, that's what drowning's like. So I don't want to experience it. No, no. You trust me. As soon as you're down there, drowning's like, so I don't want to experience it. No, no, you trust me. As soon as you're down there, you're like, this makes sense.

I can see why our ancestors lived down here. But our ancestors haven't lived in the virgin active gym, have they? We're moving to probably the funniest part of someone's face, their ears. Why so? Just wingnuts. People who are wingnuts are funny to me if someone's face, their ears. Why so? Just wingnuts. People who are wingnuts are funny to me if someone's a wingnut. What's a wingnut? Just their ears are slightly too far off their head. Off, off, off, what, like, what, sticky out?

Yeah. Yeah. A wingnut. Yeah, I like people that haven't decided not to get them pinned back. They've decided not, yeah, they've embraced. Yeah, it's lovely. Yeah. I love seeing someone with sticky out ears. It gives them so much character. It's so funny embraced. Yeah, it's lovely. Yeah. I love seeing someone with sticky out ears.

It gives them so much character. It's so funny. Or not, it's so good. Do you know people with big ears? Yeah, I know loads of people with big ears. Older men. Yeah. Because they don't stop growing, do they?

They keep growing. Mad. When you die, every part of you stops growing except the ears. Yeah. If you look in someone's old coffin, you'll find these huge flappers. Because I thought my granddad was eating too much meat, but then thought well no because he's still growing his ears he maybe needs protein do you stick stuff in your ears yeah yeah do you oh yeah like a cotton bud even though it says on the box don't ever do this feels so nice it feels good um i sleep a lot with um earplugs. You know, they're like putty ones that mould.

And then one time I only brought one with me to this hotel and it was underneath a flight path. Yeah. And I need silence to sleep. So I separated it and put it in both. Oh, you sort of halved it. Yeah, and then I still could hear the flights going across. So then I put cotton wool in as well, and then I could still hear.

So then I put tissue in, and then I was really struggling to sleep. And then, of course, one of them, the silicone earplugs got too lodged in the ear to take out. Yes, this is good. And then I was completely deaf in the ear that had been stuck in. And I was doing beer coffee, so that's why I wanted to sleep, make sure I could sleep. Yeah, you need a good sleep before these big TV gigs. Yeah, so I was totally deaf in this ear,

and I think it made my balance go weird, which is weird. So I was falling over a lot and they took me to um because it was at um you know the big film set place Pinewood but yeah it's at Pinewood they took me on like one of them buggies that they have oh right yeah film set to to the to the medical person and he was on the set of 007 so I got to walk on the set of 007 to be seen by the doctor. Wow. So he'd be like a stuntman, would be on fire or something, and then he got, this lady's got something in her ear.

Yeah. And did he get it out of the ear? He couldn't get it out, so I had to go to A&E. I wonder if when he looked into your ear, it was like the opening of James Bond. You know, it's like the... Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. Maybe it happened in the past and that's where they got their idea. Yeah. Did you get your ears pierced as a young person? Yeah, I got my ears pierced. Did you? No. No.

Are you going to? One? Ooh. No, I don't think so. I'd do it for a role. A role? Yeah. If I was playing, you know, an assassin or something.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I would do it. Because they all have their ears pierced. Most of them. And who pierced them? Were they a home job? Claire's accessories. Wow.

Yeah, they pierce babies. Do they? Yeah. I think it's mad that we've overlooked that you're allowed to take a baby into a shopping centre and let a woman, usually without, I don't mean that in a sexist way. No, no. It just usually is. Yeah, of course.

A woman who is not a medical professional to have a gun, a piercing gun, and pierce a baby's ears in front of a whole shop of people buying scrunchies and the baby screams in pain and then it's just forgotten about. I just, I can't work it out how it's not legal. Yeah. I did get pierced as a baby, I forgot, a belly button. As soon as they cut off the umbilical cord, they pierced it. They go, that looks cool.

But you laughed, did you? I liked it. Yeah. Yeah, I liked it. Did you? You liked it. I liked it. Yeah. Yeah.

I liked it. We have to move on to the cheeks. It's often the rosiest part of the human. Yeah. What do you think of cheeks? Have you got a feel about them? What do I like about them? I do like a cheeky, like I do like someone with big cheeks.

Do you? And like a funny cheeky person. A cheeky. Yeah. Rosy, cheeky. I do like someone with big cheeks and like a funny cheeky person. A cheeky. Yeah. Rosy, cheeky. I do like that kind of thing. See someone drinking a hot chocolate with rosy cheeks. I'd look at someone like that.

A nice cup of cocoa. They've been out on the ski fields and they come in for, you know, a nice hot chocolate. Why are they there? What do they hold? What are they covering? Throwing up balloons. Easy.

That's a no-brainer. Because they're hamsters, of course. They've got cheeks. Yeah, and we know what they do with theirs. What do they do? They store things in them. Oh, right on. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Squirrels. Yeah. They store. So should we be doing more storage? I think we probably can. We don't, like, we don't carry things at home from the supermarket in them because we could stretch them over time. It's like in Guinness World Book of Records,

you always see the woman with the eyes that have jutted out of her head, the long fingernails. But let's see the person with the biggest cheeks, please. Yeah. I want to look at that person. Because there's a lot of space. There's not much space. Why is it like eyes, nose, mouth, and then all this space?

All this cheek room, yeah. You've got two external hard drives right there it's like someone has a spare room yeah and they don't store anything in it they just leave it as a spare room oh yeah or unless they have someone they passed away and they keep the room exactly how it was before they died yeah i've i've been to a house like that how was that we went to view a house share. Yeah. And the guy who lived there, we should have known he had a sign on his front door saying you are now entering Sock City. Please remove your shoes before you come in the house.

You're entering Sock City? Yeah, that's creepy. And because it would be my friend, because we were only like 22, we carried on. And now I would turn around. We're not going into Stock City. But we thought, oh, it'll be fine.

And we walked in and he told us off for being late. We were like five minutes late. We couldn't find his house. And then basically the rooms that it was his, because his mum had died. He'd lived with his mum. His mum had died, but he'd left everything. All her clothes were still in

the wardrobes. All her trinkets, all her little pot dolls. So my room... This is the Duchess's room. My room was just full of pot dolls and he was like, you'll have to leave them there. You can't move them. He was so scary. We thought he was going

to kill us. And then we started to think we could hear his mum in the cellar. Wait, so how long did you live there for? No, we just went for the, but I was sure I could hear someone saying, help, help. Help! Why is there so much space where your cheeks are? Because everything else is in the T-zone.

Oh, now we're talking about the zones, yeah. So the eyes down to the, and the mouth is like the little bit at the bottom of the T. Yeah. Like the serifs. What are cheekbones for? Well, here's a question. What came first, the collarbone or collars?

Collars. Probably collars. I just think there's a lot of space on your face. That doesn't, for no reason. Yeah, I agree. We need to be making, let's have a few more things on the face. Where the cheeks are, why isn't there more breathing holes there? Yeah, like gills. Yeah. That's't there more breathing holes there yeah like gills

yeah that's not a bad idea we could have gills gills on one side and on the other different ports for different like to charge your phone and stuff like that yeah or why not like lots of strips of eyebrows that could be good nice some people do have mutton chops or what about like holes just just some nice holes yeah or more Or more eyes. Why not more eyes? I think that as well. Or let's have even bigger eyes. Chuck them on the cheeks, have them even bigger. Thank you.

I think that would be really beautiful. I think that would be lovely. I think it would be. So what would you do with a space where the eyes are now? Where the eyes were. A little balcony. Oh, like a veranda. Yeah.

Now we've arrived at the mouth. Right. The only body part that can say itself. You can say itself. It's the only body part that can say itself. Mouth. Like a mouth can say mouth, but other body parts can't say themselves. What, because it can talk?

Yeah. But don't you think the eyes can say more than the mouth can? Yes, that's exactly true. The eyes can say, don't they say a thousand words? Or is that a painting? Either way, they're just amazing. Do we bother with the mouth? It's not that interesting.

Is it not? We can do a bit of stuff on the mouth. I'm surprised you don't think so. Do the eyebrows are more interesting? We just spent about 20 minutes on the eyebrows. But, yeah, I guess the mouth is probably the one you have to try and look after the most. Yeah, definitely, yeah.

And obviously in there there's teeth. Yes. Tongues. Teeth, tongues. Gums. The disgusting tonsils. Inside of the cheeks. Yeah.

It is nice. Yeah, the mouth is nice. The teeth are weird, aren't they? The disgusting tonsils. Inside of the cheeks. Yeah. It is nice. Yeah, the mouth is nice. The teeth are weird, aren't they? Teeth are weird. Have you ever had a tooth pulled out that's had a long root on it? I don't know. Like it just keeps going up into the gum? I don't know.

Yeah, they can get really long. Really? Yeah. How far do they go? 20 centimetres. That's crazy. Then they become the eyebrows. And people are getting veneers.

What do you think about this phenomenon? I think it's like most cosmetic surgery. It can be done well and done badly. Yeah, exactly. If it's good, people won't notice. I know someone that went to Turkey to have the teeth done. Oh. And those are bizarre.

They've done them crazy? Yeah. They've just done two big teeth, one on top, one on the bottom? Yeah, they chisel off all your teeth and then stick these like, but it's whiter than white. Yeah. Sometimes I met Kelsey Grammer. Oh, really?

Oh, my God, I can't believe I just dropped that bombshell. But, yeah, I met him at Claridge's. He was staying in the penthouse. Wow. And my friend had a private audience with him and I was invited. Whoa. And his teeth were almost blue. I couldn't stop looking at them.

I wanted to crawl into his mouth, I swear. Right. And just bathe in the blue. It was amazing. And his wife could solve a Rubik's Cube really fast. Oh, really? Yeah, she showed us. She showed us.

Yeah. I want that. I want that, wasn't I? She showed you. Next. I want that. I want that. I want that, wasn't I? She showed you. Next time you can come. No. He's pretty nice. I don't want to.

You don't want to meet Kelsey Grammar? No. Or maybe a bit. I mean, I was so nervous the whole time. And they were like, oh, do you want, they're so fancy clarages. And someone was like, oh, do you want sandwiches? And I was like, oh, no, no. And he goes, Sam, have a sandwich.

Don't be ridiculous. Oh, wow. And I could have died. I couldn't believe it. And did you? Yeah. But yeah, these cele no, no. And he goes, Sam, have a sandwich. Don't be ridiculous. Oh, wow. And I could have died. I couldn't believe it. And did you? Yeah. But, yeah, these celebs, the lives they lead. I don't want to be bragging about meeting Kelsey.

I've never met any other celebrity. Sorry, to boast. You never met any other celebrity? Not of that. Not of, like, a Kelsey grandma. That's my one where I was, I couldn't believe what was going on. But you met Frasier. That's true.

Yeah. That sounded cool. Yeah. He is Frasier. That's true, yeah. That sounded cool. Yeah. He is Frasier. Sorry. Wait, so I told you this, I've told you this before, and I said,

oh no, that is Frasier. I was going to say. Well, that's weird, because I'm sure you said that Frasier. Because I was going to say. Well, that's weird because I'm sure you said that Frasier's wife also showed you a Rubik's Cube. Ooh, the chin. Thoughts? It's got to end somewhere.

Can't keep going. Yeah, that's true. How long is this face? Wow. Yeah, the chin is a nice ending. Yeah. Yeah. I like the chin.

And then it's a nice chin. Chin. It's a nice word, isn't it? Chin. Chin. It does sound almost like goodbye. Chin. It sounds like they were going to call it something longer and then.

Gentlemen. Gentlemen. Yeah, there's some great chins. And some people obscure their chin with a goatee. Okay, we have finished with the chin. We love the chin. That's a great feature. Now we can move on to the eyes.

We're allowed to now, aren't we? Yeah. They are, as you say, the window to the soul. Soul. Yes, window to the soul. They're also just... they're so much an encounter they just, they can whisper, they're just amazing aren't they? It really is

and everyone's eyes are beautiful but some people's eyes are just so beautiful aren't they, like you just can't help look at I think my daughter has beautiful eyes Oh that's really nice They're changing colour now.

Not that they're not beautiful now, but up until recently. So you think they've sort of peaked? Yeah, they were. It wasn't that they were more beautiful. It was just they were quite unusual. They were so piercing blue. Oh, wow. It was the most piercing blue I've ever seen.

And not that blue eyes are better. It's just they were just so striking, you know. And I just, yeah. Were they ever too overwhelming? Such was the piercing nature that you just, I just, I need to have a rest. No, not to that degree, no. Wow. No, but they were just, but they've changed.

They've gone like mine, they've gone green. But people would stop us in the street and say her eyes are amazing. They go, how much for one of them? I'll give you a grand for one of your daughter's eyes. Wow. Because babies' eyes are born blue. Are they? Yeah. Every baby's eyes.

I thought we didn't even have them when we were born and they take about three months to come in. Eyes? You didn't think eyes? You didn't think we eyes? Okay. Isn't that, do you mean cat's testicles? I might be talking.

Because they take, they don't come, they're inside and they take off. Until they're ready. Yeah, and then they pop out. It's a myth. Babies are not born with perfectly blue eyes. No, right. But she was. She had them.

Yeah. Oh, that's so nice. Yeah, eyes, even like the cruelest, rudest, crudest person, I think if you look into their eyes, you'll see something. There's always a glimmer there. Yeah, yeah. I just remembered I wrote a poem about eyes. Okay.

I could read it out. Do you mind if I try and find it? Please do. Okay, okay. Yeah, okay, I've got it. Eyes aren't just the windows to the soul. They are the traffic lights to an exchange. They can shine, glisten and glow.

A person with no eyes is blind. What do you think? I don't think it needs a reaction. Yeah. I think it just needs to just be. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I don't think, I think we just need to just be in silence for a minute.

Not a lot of podcasts are doing a minute of silence. Okay. Well, I think that wrapping it up on their eyes was perfect. They're so good. And, yeah, this is, I guess, just to our listeners. Yeah, try and see as many things as you can. Yeah, what's your favourite part of the face maybe? Oh, yeah.

Is there anything we missed? Is there something you've got on your face that no one else has? Eyebrows, head, shoulders. No, we got it all. We definitely got it all. I think we covered the face. If the listeners want any other subject for us to really go in depth with, I think we've gone really in depth with the face.

Who's done the face with this much? You're right. I think it was a really great idea. I'm glad that I've spent this hour talking mostly about eyebrows. But it would be good to, I think I've enjoyed going in depth with this. Yeah. If there is another subject that people would like us to go in depth with that they don't think gets talked about a lot, I'd like to hear it.

Yeah, and be careful. We are, we're forensic. We are like two lasers. If you choose a topic, we will, yeah, we'll go there. Yeah, and be careful. We are forensic. We are like two lasers. If you choose a topic, we will go there. Yeah, we are. What's it called? Dezel and Pascoe. We are like a modern age Dalzel and Pascoe.

Yeah, Dezel and Pascoe. Oh, we got a beautiful email. It's Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brains at gmail.com. Wait, no, it's.com. .com. .com. Luciansamsperfectbrains at gmail.com. Shoot us an email, please.

Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon Pull Apart, only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply.