Lucy & Sam's Perfect Brains - Ep 11: Cemetery Mission

Episode Date: June 7, 2024

A disgraced person gives Lucy and Sam a highly intriguing challenge. Anything can be intriguing if you are easily intrigued. This one is all about cemeteries and the sound Lucy made at her first gig. Vote for us to be the next Prime Ministers!!!Recorded and edited by Aniya Das for Plosive.  Artwork by Sam Campbell. Theme music by Paul Williams and Sam Campbell. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I've got nothing but love for the boys from above I'm talking God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit The word is good, are you ready to hear it? God always finds you if you're feeling lost Jesus died for you, he was on a cross The Holy Spirit is the name of the game It's Lucy and Sam's perfect brains One, two, three, four, five, six Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above.

Hello listeners. How are you? How are, is that to the listeners are? Oh, sorry, I should have clarified. Hello listeners. Hello Lucy. Hello, hello Saf. Hello listeners. And hello, hold on a second here, listen to this. Hello, Aaron. Hi, Aaron. Thanks for having me. I'm kind of like a third guy on kind of surprise. Do you want to, because this is mainly a UK audience and they might not know who you are, Aaron.

Do you want to explain who you are? My name are Aaron. Do you want to explain who you are? My name is Aaron. I'm from Australia and a lot of the things that people have been saying and they don't have a strong foundation of truth. I don't want to take any questions about it. Is it things we can Google? Yeah, probably. I've been avoiding the internet for the last four years. Do not Google this guy.

Would you take some responsibility in anything that people might find or is it just not true at all? It depends on what part of it, but some of the stuff is pretty undeniable. Could we get a percentage of how much is true and how much is slander? It's nasty stuff, really, now that I'm saying it out loud. But I've been good otherwise. Yeah? Yeah.

Does it feel good to come clean? Oh yeah. It's always good to get stuff off your chest. Why is Aaron on the podcast, Sam? Listen, we have got Aaron on the podcast to give us today's theme. Sort of our theme, what do you call the theme or a mission? What have you got in store for us, Aaron? Lucy and Sam, Perfect Brands, I got a really hot mission for you should you choose to accept

it and that is that I would love you to describe your perfect cemetery. Do you think you're up for this? Wow. No one's ever asked me yet before and actually, yeah, I've got a lot of opinions on it actually. Yeah. I think, um, love the mission and can't wait to dive in. Oh, thanks Aaron. Thanks for having me.

Our mission was to describe our perfect cemetery. Yeah. What do you think about this? I think it's amazing. And I think it's about time somebody did and maybe were the people to do it. Is this an industry that has gone overlooked? Like they just thought, yep, that's cemeteries, that's all we're going to do with it and they

stopped exploring. I think you're right. I've never seen it like that, but you're right. Like most other public attractions are always updating themselves. I mean like parks just like a playground park or something that always gets a makeover like high street that always gets a makeover but they sort of just you're right Sam they just leave cemeteries. I don't want this to sound bad at all, but sometimes I go past a cemetery and I think, oh yeah, same old shit.

Sometimes I do, and I have so much respect for everyone in there and everyone who, you know, I do respect caretakers and priests and other people who are involved in that world, not to mention people who have passed. But come on, maybe we could have some updates. Well, I'm going to put it out there to you then, Sam. Can you please describe to me your perfect cemetery? First of all, no tombstones.

Right. No tombstones, iPads. So have you been to McDonald's or KFC? I have. You know the ordering system that they have there. Yeah, I don't like it, but yeah, I get why they do it. These ones are a bit classier. Yeah, these are a bit classier.

Can you order food or is it just to tell you about the person, is it? You can order, you might like this, their favourite meal. Oh wow. What, and then they deliver it to you at their grave? Absolutely. Yep. I think you're on to something. Yeah.

It's not bad. What information is on the iPad? And the iPad is where everyone's tombstone would be. Is it like on a stand for some reason? Right. It is up on the stand, yeah. So, yeah, it's comfortable, you can access it and it's one of the big screens. It's not, you know, a small one.

It's a large size and basically every person makes a short film while they're alive about their life and you can watch it. Oh, wow. So like cinema, it's like cinema. Absolutely. I suppose some would be better than others. I mean, if they've been to film school, they're going to kill it, aren't they? Film school is now compulsory because you've got to spend your life making a really nice short for people to watch after you've gone. Because I feel like people, when they go, oh, I hope I leave behind some sort of,

what am I going to leave behind? What are people going to remember me by? An amazing short film that you've written, produced and starred in during your life. Wow. I mean, because a lot of people want to try and write a life story, don't they? Especially when they get older. And it's never that, it's not that interesting because if it was, they would have had a publisher. Yeah. If you have written a memoir and it's not being published, I'm sorry, but you did not

live a spectacular life. Yeah. So everyone, okay, and here is maybe a twist. So basically you can watch the short film, but also someone else is making a movie of your life and that's called The Real Story. So when you log into this iPad, it goes their story, there's two options, their story or the real story. Oh my God. And who writes the real story? No, they film you secretly.

Oh my God. I thought it was like an ex-boyfriend or like, oh God, if it's like a manager that you used to have, like the manager of your first job has to secretly follow you around. So you can either watch the short film that they've made, whether like, and then I did this and went to uni and oh my God, everyone said I was really amazing. Or you watch the short film that's been secretly filmed, that's been made by your first boss. Oh God, this is awful. Oh, okay. So there's a third one and that one is made by...

Is this too many movies? No, no, because I mean, no. I mean, if everyone gets a day off to go to the graveyard to watch all these movies, like, you know how they do like the Day of the Dead? Oh yeah, cemeteries are now compulsory. Like you have to go two days a week, no matter what. Two days a week to watch these shit films? They're not shit.

I think that's good because it'll become just such a big part of the culture that people are going to work really hard on their movies. They're so going to make stuff up and now you've got AI and stuff, aren't you? I mean, no one's had an interesting life. Everyone's going to be trying to do things in their life just to be in the film. That's good. Also, what about people who they keep putting it off and then they make their movie the day before they die?

They're like, oh, I didn't make my movie. And they're like really cramming. Oh God. And they're just like in a hospital bed and they can't breathe and stuff. It's just like, it's just the things in their room. They're like, why didn't I film it when I was 18 and I was looking good? Okay. So you've got your movie, you've got a movie that was made by your first boss, and then

a film that was made by someone you've chosen. So that could be a loved one like your parents or someone you trust who sees you. And is it compulsory? Like whoever you choose, they have to do it by law. So you could choose like Hugh Grant and he has no choice. He has to make it. You can. Right.

You've had to have been to their house for them to do it. That's the deal. You have to have been inside as well. You can't go, oh yeah, I was near. You've got to have been inside Hugh Grant's house with his permission and you can choose him to be your filmmaker. But does he, he doesn't have a choice. He has to.

You can't do more than 10 and you don't have to do more than 10. Because otherwise you're just spending your whole life making movies for people before they pass away. Yeah, sure. And then if you're like a dog groomer or something, if you're getting pissed off, I mean to keep making films, like you probably wouldn't mind. Yeah, I'm trying to groom these dogs. But if you worked in a florist, you just kept, I mean, it would drive you mad, wouldn't it?

It would just be like, I don't want to, I just like flowers. I don't want to make films about people. I don't want to make movies about people's lives. And someone might not even watch it. They might just watch the one from their first boss and go, oh yeah, I might go to the next grade. Okay, and what else is on this screen? We have your four favorite photos that were

ever taken of you that you can scroll through. It's your favorites. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Some nice pickies and there's a restriction. So you are allowed one nude, but that's restricted and the person has to sort of log in and prove. Yeah. Is that like a membership or something? Like the pack? Like- So that's how we bankroll the whole situation.

And we pay for the iPads is you pay a little extra to see the person's nude. Like OnlyFans? Maybe not nude, but like just something a bit like, okay, this is a nice photo. It's not grubby at all. Cause if the person the person's dead, I suppose they would have to sign up for it, would they? You definitely sign up for this bit. By the way, in my system, in my symmetry, that's the number one priority that we are so respectful and the nudes are so tasteful.

You don't have to look at them, but everyone does have one if they want, but they don't have to have one if they don't have to. Okay. So it is up to you if you want people to see naked pictures of you on your tombstone iPad when you're dead. When you put it like that. Also, you can leave comments. So when you visit their grave, you can leave comments. Stuff about like if you met that person, you're like, oh, I met this guy, he was amazing.

Or like, oh, I never really liked this guy and also hated his nudes. Thought he looked crap. Oh God. Are you sure about this, Sam? I just, as a friend, I just want to check. Yes. Are you sure about this? You see someone saying RIP, like who even knows what that stands for?

Everyone gets also an original three letters. You can't use RIP because we've had that. We have like, you do like three new ones. Oh, like LOL. That could be right. If you were quite jovial. Mine might be GSG. What does it mean?

What does that mean? Go Sam Go. Go Sam Go. That's good. That's good. Cause it's like every single one, almost everyone says RIP. It's like, yeah, we kind of get it. Yeah. Oh, no, I know. And it's been overtaken by, I think, by the

Halloween market as well, you know, Halloween industry. Like it's seen as like, it's not a nice thing anymore, is it? It's like RIP. It's a bit a Grim Reaper-ish, isn't it? Yeah, it started so nice. And now it's just been, yeah, sort of creeps have gotten a hold of it. So we're going original three letters. What would yours be? What? Three letters?

On your tombstone. Uh, L-L-L. L-L-L? Live life like. What's that stand for? I was so sure one of them would be Lucy. No, but that's what you think, you know. Oh, absolutely. Okay, so what about this?

So you've got your three letters on this tombstone and it doesn't say what they stand for, but if someone can guess it, they get a bonus movie. Oh, wow. Okay. And what's the bonus? This is becoming like, a bit like a game now, isn't it? Like a fruit machine. It's sort of less of a cemetery and more what they have on the back of chairs on the plane, but basically, this movie has been professionally made by filmmakers.

So, Steven Spielberg, Peter Jackson, one of the big guys. So, if you guess the three letters that are on their tombstone, you get to watch a beautifully made, crisp, professionally made film about the person. You definitely give up your Sunday then to come to the graveyard. And this would be like something you do with the kids then, isn't it? Like I take my daughter to like a shopping centre but I'd be like, oh let's go to the graveyard and watch some movies. And it's compulsory so everyone has to go there twice, so Sunday and Wednesday or whenever. So Sunday you definitely have to go and you get to choose the other day of the week.

Right, okay. Oh my gosh. Final, you're probably wondering, I hope, what's happened to the body? Right, yeah, yeah. You are, that's what, something no one wants to talk about, is it? Yes. When you visit a grave, right, okay. So tell me then.

So the bodies are all, when you die, it goes towards science and medicine, no matter what. So there's no body in the… But we've got the people from Madame Tussauds working on this. Oh my God, right? So before the body is sent to the laboratory to be experimented on and to help bring about profound moments and to save the rest of humanity, they make an exact replica of the person and okay, so that person is sitting on a chair next to the iPad on

a chair and after you watch the movies, you sit down on the chair next to a perfect wax replica of them and you can get your photo taken with them. Wow. Oh my God. Can I tell you that my friend is an ambulance driver and they went to take a call that a little old lady had died. The family had been round and they'd said that she'd had rigor mortis. They found her quite late. And when my friend got there, she couldn't, she couldn't find her anywhere. And she'd put her like, you know, the, the ambulance keys on what she thought was like a, like a, like a table.

No. And then they eventually realized that she'd got rigor mortis stood up and had bent over and the family had put a tablecloth over her. My friend thought it was a table. Put the keys, the ambulance keys on her, on this lady. But the family were using her as a table. They just had put down respect. No, they didn't want to move her because she'd had a heart attack and died, stood up and then rigor mortis had set in so she'd sort of bent over and they didn't want to move

her from that position so they just put a cloth over her. Oh my God. And they didn't have a cup of tea or anything. No coasters went on or anything like that. No just the keys to the ambulance. Oh my God. We can't find your grandma. Is she near the table? There's no table in that room.

Aha. Lucy, you're the spotlight on you. Well, one thing, I'm sick of them always being outside. Indoor cemetery. We lived most of our lives indoors, especially in the UK. Why are we suddenly, when we die, we have to go outside? It's such a good point. I'll be so quickly to ask this. Will you have indoor and outdoor cemeteries as in what people have with pools or will they be exclusively outdoors?

No, they're all indoors. They're all indoors. But you can, they're like houses and you can choose which part of the house you want to be buried in. So when you say buried, will there be soil in the buildings? What I want to say is you'll be under like the floor, but like it'll be like a house. And then you just, so you're going to bury people under houses. Under houses. I'm not being truthful with, with what I really have always felt that I want to see the body I want to, I want it needs to be glass and then buried under glass. Oh, have you ever been on a glass, glass bottom boat where you can, all boats should have glass bottoms by the way.

Have you been on such a thing? Yeah, I've been on a glass bottom boat and I've seen glass coffee tables as well. This is so good. You know, like they did with that Listruss lettuce where they had it on a camera. Oh, is this sort of like, who's going to last longer, the lettuce or Listruss? And then I can watch the body at my own leisure, you know. I love the app. And what will it be called by the way, the app?

Uh, you but dead something, dead people. It's just called dead people. Yeah. There's a camera above every body sort of thing. Yeah, but you know, like, I'm separate, get me out of here when they're like in like a tunnel with rats and they've actually got a camera in there as well. Like I'd like the camera, I'd like to see a camera like right up close as well. Like different angles.

Oh, yes. Yeah. So how many different angles?, like different angles. Oh, yes. Yeah. So how many different angles? Nine. Nine angles. And do you have to, all the angles free or is it three, three free angles and the other sort of, the other six? Yeah, no, only like you get one angle free, but then obviously that makes you like, oh,

I just want to see, see just from that. And so you, but you can only do that if you've, oh, I just want to see, sick of seeing it just from that. But you can only do that if you've got like Sky Television. Okay. And can people opt out or does everyone have to have this sort of after they pass? No, I think it's only fair that if it's not your thing. I mean, culturally, it's a little bit looked down on if you don't because it's like, oh, so you just want to pretend. So you cared about when they were alive, but

now their body's decomposing, you don't want anything to do with them. Like, why don't you still want a relationship with them? Oh, so you get in trouble for not watching the videos. Not in trouble because it's emotional. For some people, they just can't handle it and that's okay, but it's sort of seen as a bit unusual if you don't. It is weird behavior to not want to check into that sort of thing. So where are these houses that have all these sort of, I guess, where people are being sort of live streamed? They're all on the East Coast of England.

They're called dead houses. They're all basically in seaside towns on the East Coast. And why is that? That's why I want it. That's amazing. So you'd almost have a whole street where it's just these houses where this stuff's going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you could walk through the houses as well?

Well, it also helps unemployment because there will actually be a lot of staff managing the cleanliness of the place and greeting people. And you'll have a time slot to go and visit. You don't have to visit someone who's related to you. You're allowed to visit whoever you want, you know. Oh, absolutely. That's yeah. So you're sort of stimulating the economy here.

Oh, totally. I'm reviving the East Yorkshire seaside towns. Well, not just East Yorkshire, East coast seaside towns. East coast. Yeah. Wow. This is going to put the East coast back on the map. Not that it ever left. I mean, come on, let coast. Yeah. Wow. This is going to put the East coast back on the map.

Not that it ever left. I mean, come on, let's be serious. Wow. So you just go straight under one of these chambers and there's nine cameras all facing all sorts of ways. Yeah. But some of them, have you ever been in caverns? Have you ever been in caves?

I have been in a cave, yeah. Yeah. Are you allowed to have a walking tour around them as well? I once did a tour of a cave and I was the only person who was doing the cave tour. This is the Dunmore Caves. The guy left for a bit to take a phone call and I was just alone in a cave. It was crazy. He went through, it was supposed to be like 40 minutes and he did the whole thing in like

15. He was like, yep, there's that, there's that. He didn't give me the full spiel. At one point it was just me in the cave looking around and being like, oh yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah. Sorry about that. If you're going to go in a cave tour, make sure you're with a big group because then they'll really give it the show. Sometimes we're in character, aren't they, as like a person who used to, it's mad and you think we're in a cave. You don't have to pretend

to be this character. You live down here, work down here. we can see your jeans underneath you. Underneath your cloak. Your cloak, yeah. This is the cave of Sauny Bean, an old friend of mine. Yeah. Oh, this is a good point. How much of that stuff should be allowed? Because like when you do dungeon tours, should people be allowed to act in things that aren't movies?

No, no, like you say, like the London dungeons. We want to learn about dungeons, not what's really hammy over the top acting. Yeah, it's not even over the top, is it? It's like... No, there's not enough air down there. It does affect your acting abilities. If you put Kaplan Shett in a dungeon for just a week, you'd be like, she's not great.

Oh, why don't we see it the other way? Why don't we go to all these places where they have these, they're not even semi-professional, these amateur actors like London Dungeon, the Sherlock Holmes Museum, this cavern that I've been to. Why don't we round them all up and make a film with them? That's a great idea. Rescue them from doing a Jack the Ripper tour, take them from this obscurity, make them famous. Yeah. Yeah, that's what they all want. And while they're away doing that,

we secretly sneak in tour guides who are really sensible and dry and just give you the facts. Yeah, and then they never allowed their jobs back. They're not allowed back in, they try and get back in the dungeon and it's all locked up. We are back to your cemeteries. What happens at the funeral, by the way? Are you making any changes? I think people should be at the funeral, but you don't always get that chance, do you?

Oh, so you're saying that funerals become compulsory? I mean, I don't know about you. Do you know when you do stand-up gigs and all your friends and family go, that feels a little bit like a few? That's the closest you'll ever get to feeling like you're at your own funeral, I think, especially if the gig goes badly. That's one of the worst experiences you can have. That's when the family come and it all falls. You want to show them a video and you go, this is what it's like when you're not in.

This is how it can go. Yeah. And when they say, when you finish it and you meet them at the end and they say to you, how did you think it went? Oh, how did you think that went? Yeah. Or when they go, oh, well, I was laughing. My dad said, oh, your uncle went to watch you in Brisbane.

He said he didn't understand it at all. My granddad, he'd never been to see a gig before and he drove me to one at a place called Bridlington Spa, which is a seaside town. And as soon as I walked in, I was like, this isn't going to go down well. The audience were like all sort of quite elderly couples and they were all quite frustrated and it was the worst gig. And I looked, I looked at, like as I looked out on the stage, there's a big glass window and you could see onto the beach and I was dying on my arse. Like no one was laughing and my granddad couldn't look at me and he drove me there and but whilst I was on stage someone was, I could see someone on the beach writing cunt

in massive letters in the sand. I didn't even have it in me to like try and make a joke of it like because it just had lost like all my, there was no humour in my body at all. It was just like fear. And then on the way home- No juice, no juice left in the lemon. Yeah. And on the way home, he drove me back and it was just silence in the car. And then after about 20 minutes, I was like, are you all right? And he was like, oh, my granddad said, oh, I'm just trying to think of like better jokes for you. I was trying to think like- My grandad said, I'm just trying to think of like better jokes for you. I was trying to think like, Oh God, I've never felt, I had no money at the time.

I had no prospects. Like everyone was just thinking you've messed up your life. Oh God. I had to like lend money off people and sleep on couches and I've never, it's the most depressed I've ever felt. Now you're a star. It just took a long time. You know, if it had happened like a year later, everyone would be like, oh wow, but it took

15 years. So by the time I, yes, I have done well now, but nobody's impressed because it's taken so long. People are impressed. I didn't tell you this, but I went to watch you recently at a show on a seaside town. You might not have seen me, but I went out to the beach and you know what I wrote in the sand? What?

Pro. She's a pro. That's what I wrote, pro. She's gone pro. This is it. Oh, God. I would never think. She's God, bro. This is it. Oh God. And I would never think that you would have such stories. In my mind, you're like straight to the top sort of thing.

There were only 50-50. I mean, I either did really well or really, really badly. There's nothing in between. Did I ever tell you this? The only reason I carried on doing standard was I knew I wanted to try it. So I went to the, I got the Megabus from Hull to London and back then it took like seven hours on the Megabus because it was when Megabus was like first introduced and they, I think they thought they needed to take it to every town in the UK before they took you to your destination. And then they streamlined it a lot more. And then I did five minutes at Camden Head. It was a summer time, you know,

upstairs at Camden Head. It was really, really hot. So it took me like seven hours to get there. And then I did my five minutes and then I went up to the stage and there was a window open next to the stage. And it was stage and it was really busy in Camden and I just went to take the mic and a car horn went off outside, but it looked like I made it with my mouth because it was the exact moment when I opened my mouth to say hello. And they thought I'd made that noise. They thought, and they stood up and gave me a round of applause. That's a standing ovation. It was a standing ovation before I'd done anything.

Obviously, I didn't say I didn't make that noise. Then I carried on with my set, but I already had them gripped, you know, so. That's your first ever time doing comedy? Yeah, and honestly, if that hadn't happened, that sort of, that buzz of getting the round of applause, I wouldn't have carried on doing it, I don't think. I just want to know the people who were watching that as well. They were like, oh yeah, stand up. Yeah. God, we saw this.

We saw this young girl once. She just came on. You're not going to believe it. She sounded exactly like a car. I swear to God. Well, I was only 27. You got all this stuff now. It's all gone woke.

I'll tell you what I like. Oh, okay. This is a message to people in traffic. If you're thinking of blasting that horn, just do it. Just do it. You could be igniting something really powerful. Beep that horn. A star is born. A star is born. Should we do any recaps of our perfect cemeteries?

So your recap Sam is very technology-based, iPad heavy really. Absolutely. And film heavy, motion picture heavy, would you say? Oh yeah, yeah. You can watch a few flicks at someone's grave and really see just, you know, different sides of the story. Doing away with gravestones and like pay-per-view, almost pornographic. At times, at times, within a limit. Nude photos.

At a hefty price. If the deathy wants it. Absolutely. And your perfect cemetery, well, once the person, okay, so they, after their, okay, so your perfect cemetery, they're in strange houses on the East Coast of England. They are beneath glass floors. People can walk through and look. If you don't have the time, download the app and you can look at them from nine different angles.

Yeah. But yeah. If you don't do that, we're onto you. They've barely been watching the dead person app. Bit strange. Yeah. Yeah. It's okay, but a bit weird if you're not. Yeah. Yeah, in this society,

in polite society. Well, Sam, I mean, we've learnt a lot. I've learnt a lot. I learnt so much. And can we, if we can say a thank you to Aaron for giving us this mission. Oh, Aaron, thank you. So, what was Aaron's last name? Aaron Chen. Aaron Chen and we can, and UK people, we can look him up, can we, and see him on YouTube. Yeah, he's so funny on YouTube and he's going to be in Edinburgh. Oh amazing. Well thank you so much to all of our listeners. No, but really, thank you. We're mad grateful. What can we do for them though? Oh gosh, I'd do anything.

I'd jump through the hole in the DVD. Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. Hello, it's Rob Orton here. Now I've got a podcast called the Rob Orton Daily Podcast. It's a short poem or story or amusing on a particular subject every single day. What if you commissioned Picasso to paint your house and he just painted it white? Would you be annoyed? Wouldn't it be good if you could pour miracle grow onto other things such as pizzas? Have you ever thought about what a beach might be like if it was made from digestive biscuits? Have you ever tried to cry a beach might be like if it was made from digestive biscuits?

Have you ever tried to cry about something you're not thinking about? If you would like to listen to a daily podcast that includes subjects I've mentioned there, then please listen to the Rob Orton Daily Podcast.