Lucy & Sam's Perfect Brains - Ep 14: Cruises

Episode Date: June 28, 2024

Lucy and Sam embark on the seven seas with former Cruise Ship worker Jackie and find out about the laws of the oceans. Recorded and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive.  Artwork by Sam Campbell. Theme music by Paul Williams and Sam Campbell. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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God always finds you if you're feeling lost. Jesus died for you, he was on a cross. The Holy Spirit is the name of the game. It's Lucy and Sam's perfect brains. One, two, three, four, five, six. Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. Hi Sam. Yo, how are you?

It's a tricky one that one, isn't it? To verbalize. Yeah, yeah. Is there another way that you can signify it, a series of blinks or a hand movement? You gotta go through the, is it the roof with the smooth? Yeah, sometimes it's like I'm all over the shops and then sometimes it's like I'm not even bothering going to the shopping centre.

Well, I'd read years and years ago about your gut flora and your microbiome like years ago, like 20 years ago when it was like all hippie, a bit of like a hippie thing, there wasn't any science to back it up. And now it's all coming out that that is true about being macrobiome. And it was saying that people who were stressed or had trauma and stuff like that, they don't have a lot of very good gut flora. When it's a full moon, they reckon that the gravitational pull is stronger and that affects the gut flora.

And that's why on a full moon, there's more admissions to A&E. Today we're talking about cruise ships and cruising. We're going out to sea on this one. We really are. Yeah, it's the cruise ship episode. You know what I, if you, okay, this is my, if you wanted inheritance from an elderly relative, this is my plan. Do you think this would work?

When people go on a cruise, elderly people, it stops at different places. They get off and explore. If you found out that this person and they've got the pearl necklace, they are extremely wealthy, they've got those long ass gloves and you want that cash so badly and you need them to croak it. What if you found out all the stops, all the destinations they're going to stop at and you go to all those places and you dress as the Grim Reaper and you hide and just as they get off the ship, you sort of pop out and they see you and then you dart back and they

go, did you just see that? And so you really freaked them out and eventually they have sort of an episode and keel over. I think that's amazing because it's sort of a creative way to do someone in, isn't it? I think it's perfect because they're like, oh, he said he saw the Reaper and they go, well, I don't know, the Reaper, yeah. You'd have to cover up your own records. You'd be like, wait, you were, hold on a second, we've got receipts for a scythe and also you've booked travel, you've caught buses to all these different places the crews stopped at. You'd have to destroy the evidence. It's definitely something you should do a pamphlet on, or a blog, you know, either like a hard copy or a blog. I've got so many of these, I don't know what you'd call them, but I also had an idea if

you wanted to find out what people really thought of you. Oh right, tell us about that then. You plan like a huge birthday party and then you make a fake email address of a caricature artist and then as the caricature artist, you email all the people who will be attending the event and you say, oh, what are some of this person's biggest flaws and what do you secretly think about them? I'm going to do a beautiful, a really funny caricature of them. And then at the birthday party itself, you stand up and you reveal that you know all the things that they've said. Wow, that's brilliant. Why don't we do it?

Because you make a fake email, you know, Darren Rood pencil or whatever, and you go, oh, I'm a funny caricature artist. I'm just doing this wonderful picture. And then at the actual birthday, you stand up and you say, there was no caricature artist. It was me.

And now I know what you all think of me. And you reveal a real portrait and it's just like really well done and beautiful. And you go, never disrespect me ever again. I think this is a short film. You think it's short? I think it's a short film. It's got to go to, maybe not Cannes, but like a Copenhagen film festival.

Do you know, is that level? Just a smaller one where people just from the community would get in and they go, oh yeah, nice short films. No one's wearing suits to watch it. Yeah. You can't just sit on these ideas, Sam. Yeah, they need to be unleashed. That's what's good about this podcast because sometimes when I say these things to other

people, they do put up obstacles. They do sort of move away. Right, right. Well, you're hanging out with the wrong people. Do you think so? Yeah, yeah. You're a mover and a shaker. Oh, thank you so much. What are they? Yeah, they're stuck in the mud wrong people. Do you think so? Yeah, yeah, you're a mover and a shaker.

Oh, thank you so much. What are they? Yeah, they're stuck in the mud. They're stuck in the mud. Yeah, a bunch of horrible mud skippers. Yeah, don't let them trample on you, your conceptual shenanigans. Yeah, I've got all this,

I've got these people stealing my sunshine. So this is our perfect cruises episode. Absolutely. What are your experiences on boats? Well, it's in my blood. My granny and granddad are both from the same fishing community because hull, like most people in hull from like, you know, it's sort of all collapsed in the 70s, but pre 70s, most people's jobs were connected with fishing in some way in

Hull because it was a massive industry. It was a bit like, you know, the mining, you know how like there's whole communities that are involved in like mining, mining towns or steel worked out, you know. So Hull was fishing and both my granny and granddad's family, they were trawler men, all the men were trawler men. As far back, my granddad could research his family tree as far back as whaling. So before they were trawler boats, as far back as whaling. So before they were trawler boats, men in his family had been whalers and so they'd gone to see those really old boats. And then they became deep sea fishermen going to Norway and Iceland. And my granddad, he was the only one, he stopped the chain, he didn't go to sea. He went to sea for a bit, I think. But his dad said,

no, I don't want this life for you. It's a really hard life. And it's good that he did, because then it all collapsed, the industry. Really? So he would have been out of work anyway if he'd have gone into fishing. And did he meet your grandma on a boat

and did they share their first kiss in a crow's nest? Lucy, today we're talking about cruise ships and is it true that we've got a special guest? Oh gosh, such a special guest. A dazzling guest actually. A glitzy, glitzy glam glit-glit-glit-glit-glis. A glitzy glam glis. Right, really? We've got the three Gs. Oh, yeah. Oh, we've got, this is your 5G conspiracy. Glitz, glamour, guest, goddess. Go! Go. She is my best friend, Jackie, and she worked for years on cruise ships. So who better to have on this episode where we're talking about cruise ships? We've got an expert and guess what? She's Lucy's best friend and guess what again? She's an expert on cruise ships. She's got pay slips from P&O ferries.

What more evidence do you want? We rest our case. Hey Jackie. Hi Sam, you all right? I'm good, how are you? I'm good, thank you. Bit hot, I've just been shopping. Oh, we've got a shopaholic. Oh no, it's just Heron. Oh, we've got a shopaholic. Oh no, it's just Heron. Tell him about Heron another time.

Oh, Heron frozen food. It's really famous in Hull. Yeah, right on. Cheap freezer food. Yes, cheap freezer food. Oh, so you stocked up the freezer. Stocked up, ready to go. Ready for another pandemic. Yeah, shop till you drop. Shopah hole and get in the latest frozen goods. We're talking cruise ships and boats. I don't know why that's funny.

This is a serious multi-billion dollar industry. It's no laughing matter, thank you. Yeah, watch your P's and Q's. Sorry, P and O's. Watch your P and O's because we're... I think we should ask Jackie questions. I've got a question. Would you like to be frozen when you pass away with the opportunity to be bought back? Yeah, 100%. Will freezer? Can't go in my freezer, it's full. I'd like to be frozen in herring foods and then one day someone opens the big freezer

and I'm in there like that. With the frozen peas. With the frozen peas. With a price tag on, yeah. Yeah, I don't know how much though, probably one of them like, whoops. Because you've been dropped. Is that true, Jackie, have you ever been dropped from a height? From a great height or a small height? Oh, yeah, either or.

Neither. Absolutely not. You're in perfect condition. No bumps. I've never seen Jackie fall over. Wow. I've never seen a trip up or fall over ever in 20 years. This lady has never made a mistake. I've made loads of mistakes. Don't worry about that.

What's your biggest mistake, Jackie? I can't tell you that. Oh my goodness. Well, listeners, email in to LucyandSimsperfectbrains.gmail.com. What do you think Jackie's biggest fooeyball has been? She's good at covering her tracks, but can we find a single footprint of deceit?

So this is our perfect cruise ship and basically I'm speaking for you Sam but I don't think you've ever been on a cruise ship and I've never been on a cruise ship. But have you been on a cruise ship? No but I've seen them and they're huge. Well guess what? You're going on one. Is it true? An empty one. What I've heard, my intel, I have heard some really spicy stuff that you've worked on cruise ships and you were also sort of not arrested, but kept in one and locked up and some strange things happened to you. That is kind of true.

I went to the Caribbean and I got really drunk. They used to have this like all-inclusive place in Barbados where you could go and get drunk all day. Really drunk. And so by the end of the day, I was like, I'm not going back on the ship. I'm gonna live here for the rest of my life. It's brilliant. And they had to drag me back to the ship in a bikini.

I was about 20 with my sarong tied somewhere here. And basically, cause I was late back, I held the ship up and I was in really big trouble with the staff captain. And so he was like, you have to stay on board for three weeks. Don't get drunk. And I was like, really angry. And so I just had to literally be held captive, like not in a prison, but they wouldn't let me off for three weeks until I'd learned my lesson. But I just some-bathe. So it wasn't like a bad prison, I just sunbathe for three weeks. But when people would get off at the different destinations,

you weren't allowed to? No, I would just be able to wave off the duck like, bye, get me something from the shop. Did you tell people you're like, oh yeah, I'm sort of in trouble and I'm not allowed to leave? Or would you make excuses? You're like, ah, actually I think I might stay in the ship and play ping pong. What I did, because you have to have so many crew on the ship at one time. I would say, I'll do yours for you if you get me something while you're off the ship.

So, but like bartering, like they do in prison. So I'd be like, I'll stay on for you and you go get me some good cigarettes. Probably cigarettes or booze in those days. What was your job on the ship if you don't mind me asking? I did my research Sam and the best job on a ship, well probably not the best job but when you dock you're not able to open the store so you have to pick off every time you dock. If you work in the bar You've got to stay on board and serve people rich people beer or cocktails. What sort of things did you sell?

Really tacky souvenirs. You start in the souvenir shop That's like your first bad shop and then if you're good at that you get to do perfume and Jewelry, which I did and then what we would do sometimes if it was rough at sea and The perfume would rock a little bit. We'd knock a few off so that we'd have to shut Like oh the perfumes falling off the shelves. Oh, sorry everyone has to close That was a long time ago. It's like I reckon it's really strict now. You two wouldn't be able to do it Wait, do you agree with that Lucy? I don't think we would manage on a cruise ship. No.

I really want you to both go on one. I wouldn't mind being forced to walk the plank and then at the last minute sort of doing this amazing flip and then somehow getting back on the ship and becoming the captain. I wouldn't mind that. Tell us about the performers because they have like shows on these cruises. Yeah. If you've ever seen any kind of decent shows, don't expect that on a cruise ship.

So it's like every show you've ever seen, they're really tacky, that's the word I could use. They just do the same show night after night after night. So it's like a week's worth of shows and then they do it again. What is the show? Is it magic? Is it a magician?

Is it a magic person? Oh no, they have a, We once had Paul Daniel's son. He came on board and... I don't know his name. Young Daniels. Daniels Junior. I don't know. Anyway. He used to come on and be like a... An entertainer and he would just do a little show. I think he was a comedian. Baby Daniels.

Oh my dad did it better. Sorry. Did he apologise a lot? Well everyone used to go, oh your step mum's real fit. Oh my dad did it better, sorry. Did he apologize a lot? Well everyone used to go, oh your step mum's real fit. Oh my god. It was Debbie McGee, wasn't it? Wow. And then, do you know what else they had? Because I remembered this the other day. They had

gentlemen hosts. And so they would be like these old guys who would come on and like chaperone any ladies that were without a partner. I don't know if they were just chaperoning them. Oh, so this is a couple of silver foxes who will satiate the primal urges of some of the rich older women on the ship.

How does one apply for such a position? I know. What a dream job. What a job. Like you just get to travel the world and dance with some women and do whatever you want to do afterwards. Madam, I simply demand that I meet you at the crows you go on a cruise as a passenger? Yeah, I would. But I would only go on like, yeah, I'd go on with you, Lou, so we could do it.

I like the idea of it. If you can get off, it's just, I was saying to Sam, I'm from a fishing family, but I'm not good at sea, I get really seasick. We did ferries once together didn't we, do you remember that? Yeah we would, we had a brilliant time on, they're doing this, they're saying what you call a Dutch dash Sam, where you can just have a ferry to Amsterdam from Hull, you just stay on it overnight and it's like a party boat, everybody, everyone just wants to like have a party on this boat. It's lovely. People get a bit loose on boats, don't they? They did on ours.

We played a game, didn't we, Daz, where you had to take this phone. I think it was a camera. I think it was that long ago it was a camera. Was it just a camera? Yeah. Yeah, it was, wasn't it? And you had to try and get the most sort of obscene photos you could in like 10 minutes and then bring it back and then we'd all have a look. Oh my God. the most sort of obscene photos you could in like 10 minutes

and then bring it back and then we'd all have a look. Oh my God. Going into people's rooms we didn't know, taking pictures of them running back. Oh my God, that's starting to get on the edge of beastly. It was. Oh, some wazzy snaps. Maybe that's like a slew of a gateway into cruise life.

Like you could just do an overnight ferry and see how you got on. Ferries have come a really long way. I think in the olden days, like a really long time ago, it would be sort of this horrible old guy in a cloak and he'd be like, give me three coins to cross. And now like ferries are incredible and you can pay with like a credit card. I don't know if that ever was a thing. I think that's in your mind. I know that ferrymen hate bridges.

And if you mention a bridge around a ferryman, they'll smack you with a paddle. Why do they hate bridges? They don't like bridges because you can just sort of walk across a bridge and you don't have to pay the ferryman. True. To a ferryman, a bridge is like AI. They're just like,

no, no good, not allowed, not appropriate. What would happen to you? Because on cruises, don't 50% of the people pass away? There's some stat where a lot of the old people pass away. There is a mortuary. Yeah, yeah. the mortuary obviously is in the crew area we used to have to walk past it to our storeroom and it would have a little sign on saying vacancies or no vacancies. Oh my goodness. You're joking. I'm not joking honestly it was like a little slider vacancies no vacancies. So if it was full would they have to airlift it off or something? Yeah, they'd have to like dock and get rid of them and then fill them up. If it was an old person's cruise, there's quite a few.

If it was a world cruise, it might be like five months that they're at sea. Wow. How do you get the job working in a morgue on a cruise? How bad must have you have been at the gift shop? You haven't told us you go magnet. Get down there with the staffs. How can we get this going? Because we've surely we've got enough listeners to fill our cruise. Oh, yeah. Perfect Brains cruise. It's not the worst idea.

What about the cruise ship that looks like a giant brain? You can hire a cruise ship if you want and have bring all your mates on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we're going to do it. We're going to have our own cruise. It's going to happen. Can I work in the mortuary? Absolutely. It's going to be really busy, isn't it? It's going to be the place to be. Okay, the perfect brains cruise. My thing that I'm thinking is obviously, so you're talking about when you go on the cruise, it does get loose. We've got Lucy and it's pretty

much everywhere you look. I think as soon as you go on the cruise, you choose a new name. So you're not the person you've been on land. What's the point? We're escaping. You're just a whole new person. And as soon as you get on our cruise, you get a haircut and you choose your new identity. That's a great idea. You shave everyone's hair as they come on. We're not shaving them, we're just giving them nice highlights and good and mohawks and trendy cuts you know. Maybe like stick on tashes and stuff. We've got mustaches, yeah you can be anyone on our cruise. I want to be called Gregory, he works in IT.

I want to be called Gregory. He works in IT. Do you do the computers on the cruise? No, no, that was his old job, but he wants a complete change of career. That's why he's coming on the cruise. Who do you both want to be? Oh, Lamond. Oh, you thought about this then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like always crying and he's mysterious and he's like up on the deck and he sort of enjoys the activities, but you can tell that he has a lot going on. So I might need him when I'm in the mortuary later on.

I'll keep an eye on him. I'm going to be Sandra and I work in Heron usually, but I've had a little windfall and that's why I've come on the show. Oh, that's lovely. Oh, so a little windfall, does that mean you've done well on a game show? Yeah, I was on 15 to 1. Is that still a thing? 15 to... I don't know, I'll make one up. The Chase? Oh no, Sandra won't be very good on the Chase.

She's not good at the Chase. It's too hard. There's one of them where it's a complete fluke. It's probably a scratch card. And let's say it was from a scratch card. Yeah, she's done well on a scratch card. And does she tell people that? Does Sandra tell people that she's done well on a scratch card?

Does she LeMondad? I don't know. What do you think? Wow, it's funny that Sandra herself might even have her own like secret story. Like she, Sandra has her own character on the film. Where will we go by the way? We're talking locations. Why don't we trick people so like we pretend that we've got off, but then you're actually looking round like an ancient ruin, but it's like on the ship. So like we say we're going to Rome, but it's like we lead them out, but they say we're going to Rome but it's like we lead

them out but they're back in again and you never really leave you just you just change the scenery inside the boat. Like the Truman Show almost. Yeah that's good because the problem with cruises is they can only really stop at places, no offence, by the ocean. This is true. So what about stuff like the Stonehenge we want to see, some of the Pyramids of Galaxy, you know? Uluru in Australia, the Great Rock. Can't see that on a cruise ship, can you? Yeah, no, but well not on the Pyramids. We can on ours. Absolutely. The Pyramids. You can see the Pyramids. The Pyramids are by the coast-ish. Oh, they're not far, yeah. Oh, but aren't they quite little?

They're just by a KFC. Are they? Yeah. Are you joking, Jackie? No, I'm not joking. So there's like a KFC and then camels and stuff. Pyramids, Sphinx, KFC. I thought this was the land of pharaohs, not the kernel. Maybe he built them. That's, we can't, oh my God, can we say that? I don't think so. I've heard really some interesting theories lately that maybe shouldn't even divulge, but apparently the pyramids, everyone's like, oh, the guys who built the pyramids were not having a great time.

I've heard recently that they were actually having not a bad time. Oh really? Like it was a stag do that just got out of hand? Do you think they were eating buckets of chicken? I guess all the burns they found, they were just chicken burns. What do you think about the the Sphinx, Jackie, if we can move to the Sphinx for a moment? Someone shot its nose off. They did. When I went to the pyramids, the president of China was visiting and so we weren't allowed to get close to them.

We just had to stand behind a barrier and look from the distance. Maybe that's why I felt like I was at KFC, because I was probably three streets away. Yeah, sometimes these dignitaries and things like that. When I went to Sweden, when I was in Sweden, I wanted to see the Wolverines and the king was doing like a march and like you had to like, you just have like, like we had to walk the long way around because the King was like doing some march through town and everyone's waving at him. How inconvenient.

I know. Let's not have any dignitaries on our cruise ship then. I've never had any dignitaries getting away with my holiday plans. You're not even Lady Di. No, but I stood in a parade to watch her and she touched my hand. Did she? Yeah, she touched my hand, yeah. But then I worked with Al Fayed years later.

Oh, did you tell him this hand has been Diana'd? Yeah. Oh my God. This is it. What's it called? Herons? Herons. Very different to Herons frozen food budget supermarket in Hull.

It's very different to Heron's night bridge in London. We've got to get on a boat. We've got to get a boat going. We really do. How many days are we doing? We're doing a year, yeah. Oh, we're going for it. I don't think a year, Sam, I think a year's too much. You think longer than a year? Why don't we make it biblical 40 days and 40 nights? Yeah, that's really good. What about a special deal, 40 days, 50 nights? And instead of just, let's just go and get a boat. If we get enough tinny,

do you know like a, what would you call that? We'll just get in some speedboats and let's just go and get a boat. If we get enough tinny, do you know like a, what would you call that? We'll just get in some speed boats and let's just go find a cruise that's already going and just get them all off it, kick them off. All right. Pirates can do that. We were once chased by pirates. So you were attacked by people with weapons? I tried to, not me personally. I was just selling perfume. I was all right. Did you see them though? Did you see the attackers? I didn't see them Sam but people on the ship did. And did you have a lot of romantic endeavors Jackie? Being on a cruise ship locked up with lots of people. Oh yeah there's a lot of love boat action going on on cruise ships. Wow. You had a few sweethearts? Not with passengers because they were all much older than us, but yeah, the crew kind of all get involved.

Not all at once. So these cruise ships are sort of an orgy of flesh. I bypassed the lower end and just went for how many stripes they had, because you get more privileges. Really? The higher up, the more stripes, the better. These are stripes on their epaulettes. Is that what they're called, those little?

Yeah. Yeah. And they have a bigger cabin, so more stripes the better. This is stripes on their epaulettes, is that what they're called? Those little short, yeah. And they have a bigger cabin so you get more space. So you're a bit of an epaulette chaser. I've never thought of myself as that but probably, yeah. We are talking to a stripe grabber. An epileptic. Epauletics chaser. That's a different part of my life which we shan't discuss today.

Well we will have to have you as a guest again because, oh my God, that was just so juicy. So much juice. Jackie, do you have any advice for our listeners who are going through... Yeah, what advice do you give to them or what kind of mantra would you tell them to live their lives by from now on? I don't think I should be given any advice if I'm honest. I've made a lot of mistakes that she's still having to replay over and over again. But if you had to say one, if we said, just something there, if someone's like,

oh man, I'm really going through it, anything that you would say? You only get 80 summers if you're lucky. Spend them wisely. 80 summers if you're lucky. Well yeah, if you live to 80 you want to get 80 summers. Oh that's pretty good. I think we've got a name for our cruise ship. 80 summers? Sandra. 80 summers. 80 summers. Sandra's 80 summers. Oh, that's another story. That's really good. Sandra's 80 summers. That's really good. Sandra's 80 summers. That sounds like ansomers. No, don't do that. Just 80 summers. She emailed me, yeah, ansomers. Really? She offered me a job. Yeah, she said she wants to be the dress as a little bear and dance around in a cage.

With a brown eye. I've got copper stiletto to the face, but it's good money. Do it then. Add some money and we'll buy a cruise ship. Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. Wendy's has a new breakfast deal. Mix and match two items of your choice for only $4. Breakfast wrap, biscuit or English muffin sandwiches, small seasoned potatoes or small hot coffee. Choose two for $4 at Wendy's. Available for a limited time at Participating Wendy's in Canada.

Taxes extra. Hello, this is Nish Kumar, and I am thrilled to tell you that I'm back on tour doing the thing that I'm second best at. I'm not telling you what I'm best at. That's my personal business with my new show, Nish Don't Kill My Vibe. Yes, that is a Kendrick Lamar reference. I'm so cool. If you enjoy classic humor about subjects

such as the climate crisis and income inequality, why not come down? Tickets are available right now at nishkamar.co.uk. We are traveling the length and breadth of the United Kingdom and doing a show in Dublin from September till November. And it's gonna be a huge amount of fun. Get your tickets at nishkamar.co.uk.