Lucy & Sam's Perfect Brains - Ep 15: Celebrity Conch – Tim Key and Gill Adams

Episode Date: July 5, 2024

Lucy and Sam hand over the precious shell to their first celebrity guests. But, remember, The Conch is not a game. Please respect The Conch. Recorded by Naomi Parnell and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.  Artwork by Sam Campbell. Theme music by Paul Williams and Sam Campbell. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Wendy's has a new breakfast deal. Mix and match two items of your choice for only $4. Breakfast wrap, biscuit or English muffin sandwiches, small seasoned potatoes or small hot coffee. Choose two for $4 at Wendy's. Available for a limited time at Participating Wendy's in Canada. Taxes extra. Once again the beautiful and rewarding shell known as the Conch has been summoned. Once again Lucy and Samuel must attempt to harness its Concherian powers, passing it back and forth and of course not daring to speak when it is not in their grasp. Oh and did I mention this is an A-list celebrity edition? Conch. Boys from above, I'm talking God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit. The word is good, are you ready to hear it? God always finds you if you're feeling lost.

Jesus died for you, he was on a cross. The Holy Spirit is the name of the game. It's Lucy and Sam's perfect brains. One, two, three, four, five, six. Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. Okay so we are revisiting the Conch today and we have two special guests. So this is a celebrity episode of the Conch. It is and they are both celebrities. Yeah I think so. These are well-known people. Yeah they're well-known people that you wouldn't invite to every type of event.

I'd say even controversial in their...their personalities are controversial and they must never meet. Yeah, they're... I do, I do worry. Can you imagine being in a caravan with these two? Where would you least like to be trapped with these two people? In an intensive care unit? Mine would be in a soft play. First we played the conch with Tim Key. So we had a recent episode, we did the conch, which was a huge hit and people say we want more conch and we want celebrity conch. It's pretty simple. We have inherited the conch, which is the largest and most prestigious shell.

If you are holding the conch, you speak, if you are not, if you do not touch it, if you're not touching it, you are punished. And like, that's like one of the most inappropriate things you can do. It's pretty, like, it's pretty simple and pretty electric. Then it's the end, isn't it? And then we just go, do it't say anything, we just go. Are you going to introduce me? Shut up!

Who are you? Who am I? I'm the celebrity. You should recognise me. I am the celebrity. I'm the book celebrity. And you're in the shell. Oh my God.

We're going to give this celebrity an introduction. I just wasn't expecting the celebrity to have a baseball cap on. It just took me. Yeah, I don't exactly want to get recognised, do I? Could be anyone now though. Okay, well does this put you on the list? I wasn't expecting the celebrity to have a baseball cap on, it just totally threw in me. Yeah, I don't exactly want to get recognized, do I? Could be anyone now though. Okay, does this put you in the picture?

That's better. Need I say more? I forgot you had a hair as well actually. Hairs, I've just got one hair. We've got a celebrity who has only one hair on his head, but it's very long. So we will be introducing this celebrity with quite a long introduction. Not long, well we're not sure. So we will roll the dice and however, whatever it lands on, that will be the length of our introduction for this major celeb.

And who should I invoice or is that something where I just message you later? I'm going to roll the dice and work out how much do you should pay me. Okay, the dice is now being thrown. Five. Does that mean I'm getting a long intro? Five minutes long. I love that, five minute intro. Okay, today we have a very, Lucy, we've got a really special guest, an amazing celeb.

Oh, he's our favourite. He's definitely up there, isn't he? He is up there, but I also find him extremely intimidating. Don't you find speaking to this guy, you sometimes feel, oh, I've been rumbled? I do. I think he's the funniest man in the country. Potentially the solar system. Yeah, so he's very intimidating.

He has off days, you know, like everybody, so, you know. Oh, yes, yes, yes. He's certainly no stranger to a peccadillo, but he does not cast a dark shadow. This guy is known in our sort of world for casting a white shadow. A wide shadow, did you say? No, white, a perfectly white shadow.

Wow, he did a show in a bath. Yeah, he absolutely has done shows in baths. I think he did one in a toilet where he came out of a toilet. Yeah, he writes poems about stuff that no one else writes poems about. I read one of his poems where he like wanted to be around a pig, like someone brought a pig to a pub and he's like get me that pig. Yeah, I read one of his poems where like two people just on like a nice date and he just went and ruined it and I think it was like based on a true event just ruined this date for these people. He has featured in so many things um he plays many characters he was in the

Panama Papers that was sort of one of his big scandals when he featured in the Panama Papers. Was he in Jurassic Park? I don't know. He might have played like an IT geek. I think you're about halfway through the intro now. A lot of times people don't talk through their own introductions. I've been keeping my counsel. You carry on. I did not play a dork.

Carry on. Were you in it at all? I thought I wasn't supposed to talk. No, we could ask you questions in your introductions. Oh, of course, like the classic intro. Yeah, you sneak an interview into the intro. Yeah, go on. What's your question? We're on stage and you're behind the curtain waiting so we can sort of look across and peek at you and say things to you. Oh, sure. Okay. Okay, so he has the longest and most silver tongue in this entire business and

he keeps his tongue sharp. It is sharpened by sort of professional, like he just keeps it so you could not touch his tongue lest you get an abrasion. And is your friend, does he name, he lives in Brighton? He doesn't live in Brighton, I don't think. I don't know where he lives. I've never been to his house, but I'm dying to go. And I'd love to have a meal at his house. If I had to guess, South London, Forest Hill. Do you live in London?

Yes. Do you live in Forest Hill? No. Do you live in North London? Yes. Do you live where everyone lives? No. Do you live on the hill? Yeah. Hampstead? No. Muswell? No. Do you live in East Finchley then? No. Do you drive? No. Have you got a camper van? No. Have you got a bicycle? A bicycle. Have you got any pets?

No. Why? Why? Yeah. My lifestyle, I'm often not at home. I'm a touring comedian. I sometimes do big movies, so I can't really have like a you know dog. All right that's five minutes we have a special guest as Tim Key!

Well thank you so much for that introduction. Tim how excited are you to be to feature on the celebrity edition of The Conch? Oh very excited yeah I've well I always enjoy coming onto your podcast and doing anything. So something with a bit of structure, I'm keen to get my teeth into. Okay, Tim, you know the rules. I know the rules.

You like the rules. I lie awake dreaming about the rules. Okay, we each take turns. First of all, we need to decide the order. As our special guest, you can may decide how we choose this order. Well, I want Lucy to hold the conch first, then I want the conch to be transferred to Sam,

and then I'll take the conch after that. And then who after you? Oh, after me, back to Lucy. Yeah, okay. That's not too complicated. So then it's sort of the same order again and again. Listen, mate. So we just go round in a little circle, stroke triangle with our sad little

shell and we see whether or not your game show works. It's not sad, it brings a smile to people and a lot of our listeners are having really bad days and this cheers them up a lot. Yeah, I bet. The problem is no one really takes the concert seriously enough. The order is Lucy is then Sam and then we and then Jim and then it goes back to Lucy, Sam again, Jim, well, yeah, it repeats. Who are you telling that to?

Because that's my order. It's all of our order. It's a shared order, mate. No, but that was the order. You haven't got a clue which way round we were doing it until you asked me. Imagine that, like you build a supermarket, then people are in there go, oh my god, the supermarket. That's my supermarket. This is my, these are my aisles.

That's such a mad example. we're talking about an order here how are you building a supermarket i would honestly the worst place i'd like to go ever in my whole life would be a supermarket that you had anything to do with and i do mean that one day i don't think i'll ever have my own supermarket but i will have a supermarket where one aisle is dedicated to my products. Mark my words. Did you know that they employ somebody to confuse the order of a supermarket so you don't know where you are, so you buy things you didn't want? That's why you go a bit off-piece, don't you? After the vegetable bit, you suddenly go, I don't know where to go now.

That happened to me this morning. I went to the supermarket to buy a mousse, a chocolate mousse, and I ended up buying a rake. Okay first up is Lucy to hold the shell. We will now begin if that is okay and it has been explained pretty well. Conch! When I'm holding this conch, this shell, I think about all the time somebody has said to me that you can hear the sea when you hold up a shell and you can't hear the sea and I think as a child it's your first sort of lesson in disappointment really and that adults don't tell the truth and that sometimes you have to just keep your mouth shut and go along with stuff because they didn't believe it either. When I think about the sea, I think about the seaside and all the times I've spent at the seaside and I think about people who have been to nice seasides, or live near nice seasides, have only been to sort of really decimated basically, seasides that have been

decimated by... Gotch! Okay, that was some really interesting stuff there, Lucy. Thank you very much. I do, I sort of agree. I don't know if it is a trick when a child holds a shelter, it's here and here's the sea. You are not. First rule, never ever interrupt someone when they're holding the conch. It's one of the worst things you can do.

It is so dangerous. It's so inappropriate. So, so scandalous and so wrong. You're like Paula Vennals. You are a fucked up person. So I think that it's about interpretation. So you're teaching people how to interpret things. So you're saying to the child, you go,

oh, you can sort of hear the C and it's about meaning. You're learning to interpret. No, no, that's not allowed. They're not even holding it up. Where's the conch? That's not allowed. Stop it, stop it. So it's like saying like, oh, a sculpture,

you can divide, you can have meaning from things. Okay, past Jim, Jim, when was the last time you cried? Conch. Is it my go? Yes. I'm holding the conch. Oh, so you've now asked me when was the last time I cried, so I can't just do my talk about the conch.

You can. Oh, okay. The conch makes me think of animals with shells. Animals with shells? So for example, lobsters, crabs. I did once go crab fishing with my godfather. We went to a place in Norfolk and then we would attach bits of turkey to the hook

and lower the strings down into the ocean and pull up these crabs which came in shells and then release them back, I think, because we were only doing it for sport. Gawdge. Good luck, Lucy. No, you're not even allowed to wish people luck during someone else's gawdge.

You can, you can. You must be able to wish people luck. You should know, Sam, that at any point ever, in any given day, you should be able to wish people luck. You should know Sam that at any point ever, in any given day, you should be able to wish someone luck. I agree. Why do you think people are shouting that out in your audiences? You get it throughout your whole set. Anyway, go on ahead Lucy. Thanks Tim. Good luck mate. Sorry for munching up the first 40 second of your shell time. No problem. Thanks for the luck. No worries. What are you going to talk about in your minute? The turkey that you put in the crab, that you give to crabs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go on then. Let's see what you got to say about that. Okay. So, well, yeah, what just happened was totally abysmal. And it was sort of like the underarm bowl in cricket when those two brothers and the chapels caused trouble with, don't, oh my God, we're not talking about the chapel brothers in my conch time. So I once went to Cornwall as a child and we caught crabs in a similar fashion. I don't know if we used turkey meat, but I remember meeting this like boy was teaching us to grab fish and he was like, yeah, check out this is my way.

And then all these other bullies came along and they were like, his jumper's not real. His sweatshirt. They go, it's a fake. It's not the real brand. And apparently in Cornwall, if you wear not the right brands, you can be bullied mercilessly. So this boy who was helping us, they came along and it was like, don't ever listen to him. He's got to fake his clothing.

They're not the real brands. He's bought them discount and they're not the real brands. CUT! You didn't do the last three seconds there. I'm not, I wouldn't say an obsessive follower of brands. Now, when I was a young lad living in Cambridge, my mom would take us to the Thursday market, which was a market held just outside of town on Thursdays. And what I used to like to get was big t-shirts

with like cartoons on them, like the wacky races or Captain Caveman. But these were big, these were big t-shirts. They were like 90s. So I think I wouldn't have gone on well in Cornwall because I didn't have all the latest brands. I just wore a, I'd wear a 90 with a Cartoon on the front. Oh, like, you know, wacky races

with a Captain Gaze man. Yeah. Okay, that's GARGE. Good luck, Luce. I'm still thinking about the, the, the Turkey that Tim lowered in into the, he called it an ocean, but I wasn't, I don't, I don't believe him. I don't think it was the ocean personally, like a river I was picturing. It doesn't, doesn't matter what it really was, does it?

It's in the eye of the beholder. And I started to think about turkey actually, because I didn't have turkey at Christmas with family. We always had chicken. And one of the first times I actually tried turkey was at a friend's house. And she said, do you want a turkey sandwich? And I was just blown away because I was like, how is she she gonna cook a turkey joint and slice off but no she introduced me and this was this GARGE! That was a good one. That was a total um, cliffhanger in a girl.

Let me just say this Sam, this is a little moment of your time but let me just say that the and I didn't really want to crash on onto Lucy's minute but I would say that it was the ocean not a river I mean these were like seawater crabs old school I think the trouble is sometimes people get intimidated when I say the word ocean anyway carry on John. You are the worst turkey dangler I've ever been dangled upon. By the way if you do invite someone words to the wise if you do invite celebs onto your show in in future weeks probably don't call them a turkey dangler. onto your show in future weeks. Probably don't call them a turkey dangler.

All more and more I've read that celebrities have abhorrent behavior and I didn't believe it. Now I do believe it. And I think that this celebrity has become evil. Okay, we're talking about brands. We're talking about huge t-shirts. We're talking about the ocean. Tim, when was the last time you cried?

You refused to say, admit it. Conch. I cried yesterday when I was watching a TV show. And I mean, the fact was that the main protagonist, he always has his plans ruined by his next door neighbor in this sitcom. And anyway, he arranges a dinner party and his next door neighbor comes around. And as always, you know, it's chaos because the guy ruins everything. And he's a little mean to him and everyone, everyone ordered sherry, even though he'd got loads of different drinks in, everyone asked for sherry. So he's running out of sherry. Anyway, then his next door

neighbor's wife comes around and no one even knows he's married. Anyway, at the end of the episode, the main protagonist asks the next door neighbour if he wants to go for a half to talk about things and I cried. I wonder why you cried about that, Tim, because I think most people wouldn't. I'll tell you why I cried because I... Oh my god! You're allowed to ask the celebrity one question. You are actually. And also, I don't think it's cool for you to every time it's someone else's

minute you're just clacking away like a little crab saying oh my god yeah like a little sad little sorry little termite and you're bright and hovel yes what's the question sorry Lucy? I wonder what why it made you cry though what I think it's because yeah he really really his life has made a misery by this guy but he sees the guy's in trouble and he just goes, let's go for a half. I also liked the fact that he said, do you fancy a quick half before lunch? I don't think I've ever said that to anyone.

Are you sort of like mourning not having a workplace? Codge, let's admit it, this guy is emotionally stunted. He's a turkey dangler and the fact that he cried from an episode of wacky races or whatever we're talking about is really upsetting. I only cry when I see a really beautiful painting or... Wacky races was what was on my nightie. Carry on. Okay so this guy cries almost every day. You heard it here first. Hopefully that can become an article in the Sun or something.

Tim Key cries every day. Actually, no, that's good. I shouldn't say that. I think men should, all people, what am I saying here? I think everyone should cry every day if they want to. Not like this, or maybe there is a time when we all get together to collectively cry. You must cry a fair amount, do you? So we've got, don't, no. Okay. Someone in my family had a stroke and it was only a mind stroke. You know, they were absolutely fine afterwards, but then they would cry.

Oh. Well, okay. So I think we've found myself on my screen now, but Sam is furious. And we've also just brought up this man who had a minor stroke. For sort of wants to ask Lucy just to sort of, you know, dot the eyes on that one.

Is he okay? Is it a man or a? A man. A man, yeah. And so he had a minor stroke. He had a minor stroke, but what happened was he would cry a lot. Yeah.

That was the only thing that was left, you know, like he didn't have any other symptoms, but he would cry a lot. And we were at the seaside and there was a woman and a daughter, they were both wearing the same cycling shorts. He cried about it. Okay, it now goes to 30 seconds. And just a quick reminder that if you do talk during someone else's conch, that is considered not blasphemous, but really just shocking. It's something that people frown upon.

Conch. Okay. We are talking about the guy who cried because he saw two people wearing the same cycling shorts. Maybe, yeah, just the pattern, noticing a pattern. And he's like, oh my God, we are all one. We're all sort of... Yeah, I think sometimes noticing a pattern can, um, can bring tears to, uh, to, to someone.

Okay. Maybe, yeah, maybe something about that bicycle. So you remembered his first bicycle called, um, yeah, we don't know what it was called, baby reindeer, whatever. No, they were both morbidly obese. It went to my fast 30 seconds, but thanks for giving it a bit of a kickstart. Yeah I was thinking that. I don't think he's looking at you know effectively what they called you know prom queens you know like a mother and daughter pageant and crying his eyes out.

He's seeing two people who frankly I'm glad I've come to the end of my meal. Come on you've already chewed into 10 seconds, Lucy. Describe these, describe. Were you there? Yeah, I was there. In your estimation, do you think they were professional cyclists? Oh, no. No, they're not. So this guy is sort of crying because he's seeing two people who maybe shouldn't be wearing

cycling shorts. He goes, these guys aren't cyclists. And maybe that upset him, seeing people wearing the wrong gear. Do you know what I mean by that? Does that sort of make sense? Yeah, here's a question. Have you ever been called out wearing the wrong gear, turned up wearing shorts where it's not appropriate or sort of the wrong sort of, yes, style or overdressed? Oh my God, we've all heard about someone turning up in a tux when it's more of a casual affair. Tim, can you speak to this? But now we're back on track and things are okay. I think that one of the most shameful things you can do is when you go to a fancy dress party, but then you're not wearing a fancy dress. Or actually, I once went

to Loli Adafope's birthday. Have you ever been to that? So Loli Adafope has a birthday and she has like a dress code where it's like, you know, so everyone wears suits and stuff like that and I think you went there once didn't you Sam? What did you wear? Yeah shorts and a t-shirt. You're in this. I've never been invited to Lolly Alaphope's birthday party. It's actually a very no not intimate what's the other one? Well come one come all I think. Who else was there? I want to know who were they? What level? What level are they at? Do they have the people who were there? I want to know. I think I might cry. People were emailing now. We love the conch format. And most of all, we love the rules and how everyone obeys the format. And they're like, we want to do that.

We want to hear 100 more conch episodes. And I was thinking that as well. I'm like, this is going to last forever, the conch dynasty. And now it's just like, it's just been... By the way, can I just say this? I will say this. If you're using your 30 seconds to antagonize your celebrity guests by trying to get a rise out of them

because you think I don't play by the rules, then that's bad in its own way, isn't it? Conch. I think you'd fit in rather well at Loli's birthday, Lucy. I think it's pretty much much pretty near to your level. It's sort of like, you know, there's a lot of I think you may be one of the only people who've been on Taskmaster who wasn't there. Do you think maybe it's because you and Lolly live in different cities? Where do you live these days?

Are you living sort of more sort of you're in the north, aren't you? I would imagine. Yeah, but I'm fed up with people that don't invite people to parties just because they don't know them and they live in you know different yeah that is mad isn't it but I suppose that is good carry on you carry on well I just think you know maybe we need to rethink about how we invite people you know maybe you know, and I've got to, I just, can I just interrupt you Sam for a moment in your bit? You can have my bit. I'll take your 30 seconds. Yeah. Do you mind? We'll get it straight back. I mean, I mind, but what can I say? You've just. Well, if you're going to give me the 30 seconds, give me them. Don't interrupt. You play games. You really do. What I was going to say, Lucy, is me and Sam are going to Naples next month and you'd be

very welcome to join us. Can we do a webcast? I was going to end the episode with an invitation to the Naples trip as a surprise ending to the CODG. Well hang on it would be nice to be consulted if you're going to invite Lucy. You just invited her! Do you want to come on the Naples trip? You don't know? No pressure? Yeah I definitely do want to come. Do you want to come on the Naples trip? You don't know, no pressure.

Yeah, I definitely do want to come. You've got to wait for the con. Sorry. Whose turn is it? Is it my turn? Apologize to your... No, it's my turn and I'm giving you this half minute and you've absolutely wasted it.

Conch. You're in now Lucy. You can check the dates if you like. Yes, I'd very much like to come to Naples in Italy. I'm a bad flyer, I have to take things to make it okay and then I have to put my sleeve in my mouth so I don't shout out we're all going to die. Okay we're now going to go to 15, should we do 15 seconds now? Oh 15 sounds great yeah I've got some stuff that will fit into 15. We also are gonna spend a day in Rome after April,

so that's part of the trip. And we are gonna go to the Colosseum and sort of see where the gladiators trod. Do you like some of their weapons, including the mace? And if you were a gladiator, what would your weapon be? There's a question for Tim. If I was a gladiator, I would imagine,

I would get all trussed up in a nice metal suit, and then I would favor,iator, Big Eve, I would imagine I would get all trust up in a nice metal suit and then I would favour, as my weapon of choice, your friend of mine, the old lasso. My dad went to Rome and he was trying to find out if people from Rome, say, went in Rome. He was asking like, just like waiters and bam and but just didn't get anywhere with it. Oh, I really, yeah. We're in a bit of a nice rhythm there. like just like waiters and bam and but just didn't get anywhere with it. We're in a bit of a nice rhythm. We were in a nice rhythm and then you do things like this and you just don't learn your lesson and I know why you do it but it's wrong. We want to go on Vespers and can we talk about Vespers?

Let's get on a let's talk about Vespers. We're gonna have, you can't even imagine Lucy, how thin some of the pizzas we're going to eat are. So be like vinyl, I promise you, vinyl and cheese. No Chicago town. It would be completely the wrong spirit of things if you arrived in Naples and started plodding around looking for a Chicago town. The thing that annoys me about you, Chad, is that...

You need to cut out, because I'm saying... I've got something good to say about the pizzas. You've got 15 seconds. It's really sad the way you're looking, thinking, now it's going to be all me for 15 seconds. It's crazy. I'm going to invade yours. I don't care anymore. OK, so the pizzas in Naples are so thin that you could slide them under a laboratory door. You know, like at a laboratory where they keep it,

they don't want any bacteria getting in. These pizzas are so, imagine if I was allowed in my time to have said that tidbit. That was good. You must admit that's good. And now obey the order forever. Conch.

Sorry Sam, my bad. The pizzas we're gonna eat, Lucy. Honestly, let me just tell you this. This is gonna shock you. The pizzas you're gonna eat, you could do some decent origami with them. I promise you. Conch! They're like tissue paper with cheese on.

Yeah, exactly. These pizzas are so thin, a piece of tissue paper would blow their nose on them. Hang on a minute. A piece of tissue paper would blow their nose. A piece of tissue paper would blow their nose on the pizza. Conch! Who's got the conch? Who's got the conch? Who's got the conch? Ooh.

Should we go to five seconds? Oh, five's good. Conch. Why was turkey the meat to catch the crab? Said you read that somewhere. Conch. Okay, let me just tell you this. If you're going crab fishing with your godfather, you let him choose the meat.

Could you imagine if you if you then whipped out a different alternative? Could you imagine if you whipped out a mock meat? A mock meat? A mock meat. If he was attaching turkey and you said, like, this no chicken, this no cluck. Oh, I've got a quick question for you, Sam. Why aren't you shouting at your co-hosts for doing 15 seconds in the fives? A mock meat. I don't know if that was right or not, but I guess the...

Where's he a step? I tell you what, 1983 wasn't crawling with Faken. I have to tell you. Well, I worked with Faken I have to tell you Well, I worked on the pizzas in FDC and then I actually just went to a plant-based circus and the ringmaster was really cruel to that eggplant Are we doing jokes in our five seconds now? Are we doing jokes now five seconds now? I went to a circus once in Russia and they... the line... doesn't matter. Well, thank you for having me on the game show.

Conch. It was a real pleasure, you know, receiving the conch and being heard, which is something that you can go days without in 21st century London. So actually to just finally have a little moment where there's some respecting eyes and ears on you, where you can say what you think, how you're sort of tackling this endless puzzle of life. It was actually a bit of a tonic for me. So thank you for that. And wasn't that interesting? Oh, very interesting.

Next we played the conch with? Jill Adams, my mother. Yeah, we got Lucy Smoll, a wild person. A 61 year old wild child. Hiya. How are you? Mama Bean? Yes, I'm good, thank you.

Okay, are you ready to take part in the conch and how do you feel? Are you nervous? Are you excited? Are you running the gambit of emotion? Yeah. So, have you had previous episodes where we've played conch? No. Oh.

Well, you'll pick it up as we go along, okay? Yeah. Have you ever taken part in something like this before? Not at all. You know what the conch means? What conch means? I didn't know. No, I've never heard of it.

It's an ancient old shell and whoever is holding the conch may speak and it is passed between. It's a really ancient and really quite important shell. Oh, I love shells. You go first, Sam. I go first, then Lucy, then Jill. Yeah, that'll give me a chance to warm up.

Don't we begin? Conch. I saw first, then Lucy, then Jill. Yeah, that'll give me a chance to warm up. Don't we begin? Can't. I saw someone today using two phones at once. Have you ever seen, this is my question for you, Lucy, have you ever seen someone with two phones who's in a good mood? They're always stressed out. Have you ever seen a two phone user?

That's my first question. What else do I wanna know? Oh, do you like handwritten letters? And have you ever received a very important handwritten letter? I think that's a good start. So we've got handwritten letters. Have you received one? Are they important to you? Have you seen someone using two phones and did that freak you out? Have you yourself written a or received any beautiful letters lately? Have you ever seen Siamese twins people who are connected by the head or the arm or anything like that? Okay, that is...

Conch! Sam, they have lovely questions to ask actually. No, I haven't actually ever seen someone using two phones, but I've seen drug dealers like texting on one phone and then texting on another phone. I had at the time, burner phone, and I thought it just meant having a second phone. So I went into Vodafone and, cause I wanted a second phone, just you know, one that without the internet on,

so I wouldn't get distracted. And I said, I'm looking for a burner phone. And they said, I don't think you meant to say that out loud and we can't give you a burner phone. And I said, why? And they said, well, it would be illegal for us to sell another phone for drug dealing. I was like, no, I'm not drug dealing. I just don't want Google on it. I just don't want to have social media. I tell you what I did see though, the other day in Scarborough I saw Jill. Go Jill. Oh me? Yeah look you've got a timer. Oh right well I'm well I have had two phones not a burner phone because I'm not a drug dealer but uh yeah so I went to see my dad the other

week and he's got a red case like mom so I came home with this phone and I had my phone as well and uh he couldn't get in touch with me to tell me that I had his phone. That's not much of a story is it? No, you're going to have to get better at this. But it did show up me. So anyway, so I said to him, well, this is going to keep happening. So I got... Gone. Okay, so can I begin?

That worked best. Just don't stop, it's the other person. Sorry, Jill, I'm so sorry. You dirt, stop, it's the other person. Sorry, Jill, I'm so sorry. You simply mustn't interrupt someone else's conch. It's one of the worst, it's just a diabolical thing to do. I actually really enjoyed that story of the mistaken identity, the prince and the pauper, the two phones getting mixed up,

the similar cases. I can't help but wonder, did you have a look at his phone and does your dad have any secrets? And I'm sorry if that's an inappropriate question, but it is. When I was talking about people with two phones, I meant, yeah, like they're kind of exchanging, they're not using both at the same time.

Yeah, and the burner phone, drug dealing. Should we not even have phones? Let's have a year without phones, eh? What do you reckon? Just one year, no phones. Put them all in a sack and then untie it at the end of the year. See what happens. See if people have forward stronger connections. I would really like to go back to having no phones because when you had no

phones you would just have a house phone and you just said to someone, right I'll meet you at the bus stop at seven o'clock and then and there was no problem with it absolutely no problem everyone got on we didn't need it the other day i saw somebody in Scarborough it was a woman on a mobility scooter with a wedding dress on and she was she was staring it with one hand and she was eating a bag of chips with the other hand and she had a veil and the bottom of the wedding dress was sort of like trailing out of the mobility scooter onto the ground and I think I can honestly say she was one of the happiest people I've ever seen. I wonder if she had two phones. You see I thought you actually meant someone like with one phone in one

ear and one phone in the other ear but yeah that would that would be a madness actually wouldn't it? And oh and I haven't written... I don't know what's going on now. Jill go! Oh well funny enough I saw a lass the other day on a push bike on the phone eating a kebab so there you go so I think I don't want to go back to having no phones I live on my own and I'd literally I wouldn't have anybody to talk to having no phones. I live on my own and Literally, I don't have anybody to talk to all day. I'd have to talk to myself, which I do anyway

What I like about phones is for example the other day I was walking down the street and they've taken to parking on the path which annoys me So what I like is I can trunter to myself as I walk down the road and people just think I'm on the phone. But really I'm calling my set of Astons. And the other thing about phones is how would we take selfies? Oh my god, way to end on a huge cliffhanger. That's selfie stuff. Oh my god, that's juicy. That's a papaya right there.

I think I missed it all. I'm not a selfie taker, but anyone I talk to who's sort of younger than me, they're all taking selfies and they take hundreds and thousands. They are taking a lot of photos. So when you get a selfie from someone that's gone through such a process. It's sort of wild. But yeah, I've never really been a selfie taker. I do like getting my photo taken only really at the passport when I'm getting a passport photo. Because every other time people go smile, and I am smiling and people don't ever recognize

my smile as a go. They say, smile! And I'm like, I'm trying. I think I've just got an unnatural way about me. But when I'm getting the passport photo, they go, oh, this is perfect. Oh, the camera loves you, baby. So that's the best time for me to have my photograph taken.

Do you like having your photograph taken, Lucy? Caw-ch. No, I absolutely hate having my photo taken. And most photos I have my eyes shut and it does everyone's head in. So they sort of stop taking my photo now. I think I've got a little bit of a complex because one year when I had a school photo taken,

my mum said that my teeth had grown but the rest of my head hadn't grown and she said they were too big for my mouth and she said I looked demonic and she had it on the fireplace and she said that when she was hoovering my eyes followed around the room so she took it off. So I think since then I've always been quite insecure about having my picture taken. I would like to go back to when you said, did my granddad have any secrets? And I think my mum should tell you about when we went on holiday and he tried to give us a strap on to take with us. I'm still processing the trauma of it but I think she'll explain it quite well to you. God! I never said you was demonic.

Did I? Oh, I wanted this guy for life. Sorry about that. Right, oh God, the strap all this scared me for life. Yeah, so we was going on holiday and we have a taxi waiting in the drive. We was going really early, weren't we? And we was about to get in the taxi

and my dad came running down the drive shouting you forgot your strap on you can't go nowhere without your strap on listen your mother never went anywhere without a strap on and uh i didn't even know at that point that our Lucy even knew what a strap on was but she got it before i did and there we yeah we was laughing about that it was, I mean, it was quite handy really. It's a thing you put on your suitcase so you can pull it. But I've actually used a strap on, I'll be honest. Oh my God, some of the, this is nail biting stuff. I don't have nails anymore. I've started chewing on the toenails. Chill, chill, chill, you can't do that to a fella. How could you? How could you? Oh my goodness, I'm on the floor, I'm

riding a record, I'm spinning. I don't have any, I know that suitcases, the wheels on suitcases and luggage, they only bought that in in the seventies, which I thought was gonna be quite an interesting little nugget and now it just feels, it pales. It pales in comparison. God, I feel like that's, yeah, that's almost my time. I really wanted to get, I want that conch back in Jill's hands as soon as possible to hear more about this. Well, strap on.

Conch. Thank God, it's my go. I feel like my responsibility now to the podcast and to whatever sponsorship deal we get or now won't get because they've listened to this episode is to try and I am basically the breakwater between what was just said that my mother used to strap on. And so I think let's divert it, shall we? Let's talk about the Middle East. I think the only thing we could talk about now is the trouble in the Middle East.

I'm also willing to talk about rock erosion, how we're damaging the seas, pollution. Maybe we should talk about pollution. I feel like climate change has sort of like gone off on a tangent a bit now. I just feel like no one's that bothered anymore. Like, God! Well, I'll be honest, I've pulled in the sea and I pulled in the sea not long ago, but I was desperate. And you've got to understand the east coast has got a lot of that rock erosion and you can't get up to the toilets very quick because you literally you're climbing through this foam mist it's like a yellow sort of foam that's coming through a

pipe this is the beach I went to not long ago anyway I was desperate so they said to me well what you need to do I had a cosy on what you need to do is is is wade in so the water's right over the top of you and then pull your cosy down and have a quick poo so I did that successfully but when the um when the sea went out again it it took me costume and I was still pulling. Sorry Okay, congrats on your success by the way. Oh my goodness I was owned out for a tiny moment then who gave you the advice to do that to do that action goodness My dad we used to stay at Mon Repos, which is like this beautiful Beach near Bergara and he to, it was pretty funny.

Everyone, so if you were local, you weren't allowed to go and look at the turtles, lay their eggs, unless the turtles came up on like the camping side of where the locals would camp. And the tourists had most of the beach. So if a turtle came up to lay its eggs, you know, you might not get a look in. So everyone was always on the lookout

if they were going to come up where the locals tents were. And my dad once put like a sort of a washing basket on his back and appeared from the water. And I mean, I thought it was funny, but people were so angry because they wanted to see a turtle lay its eggs so badly. And it was Terry Campbell pulling a prank. I can't believe you tell people that you pooed in the, in the seat. I mean, everyone's still now waiting to hear about the strap on, but now you've put in the seat. I mean, everyone's still now waiting to hear about the strap on, but now you've pood in the seat. And I just think Sam's doing such a lovely job

to try and keep things a bit more buoyant and natural. Is this still recording or are you telling me off? This is Lucy's card, you're not allowed to speak. Sam gets really upset about interrupting. There will be some sort of federal punishment from him to do even. Am I allowed to say my iPods are only on 10%? gets really upset about interrupting, there will be some sort of federal punishment from him to sue you. Am I allowed to say my iPads are only on 10%?

Is she allowed to say her iPads are only on 10%? That is a little, yeah. Yeah. That's one of the few things that's allowed. Maybe you should have two iPads, like you've got two phones when you stole your father's phone for some reason. I don't know what you thought you would get out of doing that. But that's me done. Right, well my iPads are only on 10%. What do I do if

they cut out? What shall I do? How am I going to hear you? Anyway, you can't answer me. So what I'll do if I can't hear you? What will I do? I don't know what I'll do. So what we're talking about? What we're actually talking about now? Oh right, now I once funny enough did a radio interview in an house that was about to fall off the cliff and this woman, she said she went for a walk and she saw this woman and she was hanging her washing up and behind her there was a cow. And as this woman was hanging her washing up, this cow fell off the cliff.

You don't expect that, do you? Erosion, are we talking about erosion? Can I just say there are so many incredible threads and we are weaving something of a true tapestry here. I'm so fascinated about your radio interview. So you were in a house that was about to fall off a cliff. This is some lemony snicket stuff. I can't believe that.

Wow, that's a true commitment to broadcasting that you were in a house that was about to fall off a cliff and you still thought, you know what, I've booked in this radio interview, I'm going to carry it out. And if I fall off a cliff, or was the radio station itself in the house that was about to fall off the cliff? That's what I think we all, I speak for the listener, that's what we want to know. Who was about to fall off the cliff? Was it you?

Was it the radio station? We're talking sort of about precarious things. So we've got the the headphones are at 10%, fall off the cliff. How long do we have left? Climate change, erosion, time eroding away. If you only had one day left to live, well, how would you spend it? Conch.

That was brilliant. That was really epic conch making. I appreciate the art form of that. I would also like to know about when you did a radio interview in a house falling off a cliff. And then I thought, oh, I can't remember ever telling me that.

But equally, things like that happen so regularly that if you came home, if it was when I was living at home with you and you said, I did a radio interview in a house that was about to fall off a cliff, I probably wouldn't have batted an eyelid to be honest, because the day before, like a spaceship would have landed

and you would have been abducted. I mean, there was that time you stole a cap and called it Elizabeth Harley, and then a woman came round to get it. And I think you put a pearl necklace around the cap to try and make it not look like her cat. And then she was like, that's my cat, but with a pearl necklace on, there were so many things that happened. It was Elizabeth Taylor and it was a D'Amonte necklace. That cat used to sit on my head.

Love me. Listen, she went on holiday. The last went on holiday. No, the last was at college. The last went to university. Her dad was left to look after it. He didn't. The cat came to me and when she came on from uni, she came knocking on my door and said, have you got my cat? She said, it's called whatever. And I said, no, my cat's called Elizabeth. Elizabeth anyway So what was the other thing the other thing was what he was? Oh, yeah, so it was for women's hour It was for women's hour radio for women's hour That's what the edge of the clear the ounce at the edge of the cliff was and dad just written a

Play called off out was which was about prostitution So I was talking about that. Oh I guess if I could choose whether I wanted to hear what the program itself was or more about that house that was about to fall off the cliff yeah I'm glad that I didn't have to make that choice. So Elizabeth Taylor I can't help but wonder what happened to that cat and did the necklace fool her at all she goes oh well yeah my well, yeah, my cat never, never wore a pearl necklace. Time to keep looking. And we were talking about erosion. And I think that it can happen in a lot of different ways, but just the sea and how powerful waves are, they can just erode cliffs away. Isn't that just amazing? So that's just about if you

do something every single day, you never know the difference you can make. And you've got to live one day at a time. I've still got 10 seconds. And, and also make sure you drink enough water and also start a small business. Sam, again, I just think I really appreciate the craft that that you're showing here, the wholesomeness that you know, the drink the drinking water. And it was almost like a Jerry Springer monologue

that I'm trying to divert the fact that my mum wrote a play about prostitution and talks about it in a house that was falling off a cliff on Woman's Hour. And of course, what the listener is gonna be thinking is why was she wearing a strap on? And did her father have any secrets when she took her phone and I hope we never find out anymore to do with that and I'm hoping that that Apple, that 10% battery that is left on my mum's iPad is going to go any minute

and we'll just basically wrap up this without her and the listener or they'll be left with especially listeners that you know there's a bit some listeners that have led quite a sheltered pure christian life but you know liked us on taskmaster and thought was listening. Well I was so I'll tell you for why I had a strap on. Go on Jill. I'm a 16 year old grown ass woman you're telling me that in my life I haven't experienced putting a strap on. Of course I have, of course I have. I lived with a gay man and I found it

so anyway there was a rubber one. I got one, I used to be a columnist and I got a rubber penis sent through the post. It was huge. This one, a strap on, this was one that you stuck. It was like a big suction on one end and you stuck it against the wall and I suppose you back talked to it. I mean, it was huge. I mean, he was a big lad, he was six foot two, but this was even big for him. So anyway, he stuck it on the wall and my dad came round. stuck it on the wall and bit off camera. CUTCH! We're going to switch to 30 seconds now. CUTCH!

Okay, so you did trigger a memory, not a memory, but some knowledge. Those suction ones, I think bald guys like to slap them on their heads, I've heard. So you borrowed this strap on, you borrowed that from someone you were living with and when they went in to get it back, did you put a necklace on it and say, oh no, this is my strap on. That's my question to you. Okay. What's your favourite thing you've ever purchased?

My favourite thing that I've ever purchased hasn't been sent yet but I saw it on an advert on Facebook and I instantly was like I have to have this and I know that I'm going to use it forever and basically what is it? It's this like it's like a prong thing and but in the shape of a duck and what you do is you pick rice up with it and it shapes the rice into a duck and then you put it like well recently recently i mean i i love buying out me anything um i like things been given for now as well so don't let that stop you but recently this might sound awful but i bought this stuff like you put in your wheeler bin do you know wheeler bins well you know your slot bin well mine stank because i'll be honest i went and stayed at george's for 10 days forgot about the slot bin and of course it's nasty they have maggots

Oh! What is that? What is happening? What is happening? So this was our Celebrity Conch episode? Well definitely. This format isn't going anywhere, is it? Let's be honest. Oh I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. for the boys from above. I'm so cool! If you enjoy classic humor about subjects such as the climate crisis and income inequality, why not come down? Tickets are available right now at nishkamar.co.uk. We are travelling the length and breadth of the United Kingdom and doing a show in Dublin from September till November. And it's going to be a huge amount of fun. Get your tickets at nishkamar.co.uk.