Lucy & Sam's Perfect Brains - Ep 18: Unthinkable Visions

Episode Date: July 26, 2024

Lucy and Sam investigate the mysteries of all those suspicious occurrences you never actually see but absolutely know aliens are responsible (or the government) (or electricians).Recorded and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive.  Theme music by Paul Williams and Sam Campbell. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers' internet. Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you, Rogers. I got nothing but love for the voice from above. I'm talking God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit. If the word is true, are you ready to hear it?

God always finds you if you're feeling lost. Jesus died for you, he was on a cross. The Holy Spirit is the name of the game. It's Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brains. One, two, three, four, five, six. Oh I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. Welcome to the Perfect Brains podcast. If you're listening for the first time, don't worry, you're in safe hands. Just, my advice would be to just relax. Yeah, do us a favour, don't go, don't be pacing. We want you relaxed, we want you lying face down.

Yeah, imagine you're having a blood test. Relax your arm. We give, but this podcast also takes away. It gives with one hand and takes away with the other. Do you believe that you have a gift of any kind? No, do you? Only this just happened just now, I guessed that someone learnt violin growing up. Oh really?

Like you're a bit psychic. Now that I think only violin, I think when I'm walking around, I can tell someone who learnt violin. My mum's psychic. Yeah. I think only violin, I think when I'm walking around, I can tell someone who learnt violin. My mum's psychic. Yeah. I think it's pronounced psycho. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

She wants, it's one of my earliest memories. You know when you have certain memories that you realise your parents are weird? Core memories. Yeah. I was sat on a bus with her and she turned to the woman behind us for no reason and said

your husband has got a pair of sexy women's shoes under your bed but they're not in your size and then we got off the bus. I like that. And I was like how do you know? And she was like I'm psychic. Any follow up to that? Well no because we never saw her again. She'd be straight home to look under that bed.

Well, you would, wouldn't you? Unless you didn't have a husband or a bed. Then you wouldn't bother. I have seen something like that, I think. Do you know what I've never seen? Oh, you haven't seen that kind of thing in a while. You don't see that, do you? No, no.

Would you like to begin? You never see a cow waking up. You see them asleep? Yeah. You see them plotting about? Yeah. You never see them waking up? No.

They are a mysterious animal, for such a popular animal, I still think we know so little about them. Oh, definitely. I think it's partly because they don't give a lot back. You know, when you see them in a field, and you say hello, or you wave, or they don't give a lot back. You know, when you see them in a field and you say hello or you wave or they don't, they're not very animated. They don't give you a lot. I think that's why we eat them basically. It's so true. It reminds me of certain green rooms I've been in where you're sort of like, they're looking at you, but they don't see you. Yeah. Oh,

yeah. Yeah. You're sort of just a shape. It's the same. You know, as soon as you get in a field, you're going to have to do all the work and you do, it's with sheep as well, you have to do all the work. They don't do anything. Yeah, wow. So would you like to see a care wake up? I would, yeah, I would. And if they don't, I want to know why, why they don't wake up. I don't have the answers. Yeah. I've only got the questions. But if you want me to hazard a guess, I think it's to do with the Rudders. I've never seen. Wait, I would like to see that. I've never ever seen it. No way. You've gone mad. You've got the madness. I reckon I've never seen a postman's knees. That's not to say that I've never seen a postman wearing shorts. Do you know what I mean? I feel like they all wear these long shorts but we're never catching

the knee and I do wonder if that's something that's been that has been beaten into them. They do and they've always got child's legs. They do and they wear shorts during it'll be it'll be hailing it'll be raining like hell and these guys are still wearing shorts. Yeah well it's because they've all got the same type of legs. For some reason, those legs still want to be covered up, but they look like they need to be. Yeah, they want covering. Length of sock? Quite high up.

Do you like their tubs, those sort of fibreglass tubs? You know the tubs they push around with all the mail in it? Oh, yes, yeah, yeah. I see them all with bags up here. Oh, really? I'm in top country. Sometimes I'll see a tub sort of chained to a post and I'm like what is he up to? We've proven we don't have any respect for our postal

service that we've had that scandal. Yeah. God it's a nightmare that scandal. And no one cared about it till they made a drama out of it. Yeah. Who's that little guy? Little Toby. Is it Timothy Small? I like that, Timothy Small. I feel like we've spoken about Timothy Small before. Oh really? Timothy Small. Yeah. No, it's a guy called Toby.

Oh yes it is, yeah. Toby, what he did, he brought it to life. I do love whenever they sort of Hollywood, or that's not that that's Hollywood, but you know when they make something and then it's like, you know, someone will be playing a real person. At the end they'll show a photo of the person and they're like, and they look nothing like them. Yeah. You're like, oh, they got lucky. They should be glad. Some people don't meet the person, which I reckon would be so upsetting. Oh, I know. Imagine if, God, who would you

want? Paul Mescal was going to play you in the movie and you go, oh, I can't wait to meet him until, and they go, actually, he wants to just find his own sort of path with this. He's not going to meet you. At university, we did a play called Larking with Women, because the, you know, the poet, Philip Larking. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He'd gone, well, he was a librarian at Hull University and he worked with these librarians and I was playing one of these librarians and I got the chance to meet her. Oh. Started rehearsals and I'd done a role sort of meek and polite and then I met her and she said I didn't wear as much makeup as you and I wasn't as common. Oh my god. And she came and watched and she tutted all the way through every time I opened my mouth.

Did you sort of get revenge by saying things she never said? You're like, well, of course I am addicted to gambling. Have you ever done that by the way? Like talked about someone who's dead and then convinced that they can hear you and they're looking down on you? No, I haven't had that yet. I have it all the time. I think it's called anxiety.

You always feel like you're sort of being observed and judged. Yeah. Hold on, what's going on? I don't think I've seen that. Or maybe I have. Do you know what? You've never seen it. No chance, not in a million years. You never ever ever see it. You never see people using hair dryers on trains. I've never seen that.

Because they've got plug sockets. They've got sockets! I've seen them charge laptops. Kettles! No one's brought a kettle. When have you ever seen someone plug a kettle in and make a nice cup of tea? But all it's going to take is for one person to charge up a Black and Decker screwdriver. And don't give me the excuse that people are being polite. People are like, oh, they wouldn't use a hairdryer because that would distract other people. These people are animals. They're pigs. They're doing everything else. They're

playing some game. They're listening to music without headphones. Okay, here's a business. We get a wheelbarrow and fill it with electrical goods and sort of go on the trains and yeah, do you need anything? I mean, a printer. You could print. Oh my God. even things like you know those little jobs that you never get around to doing, but you would get around to if you had a three hour train journey like a shredder. Yeah, absolutely. Like bring your shredder, they've got electrical sockets. Toasty machine, you could get a sandwich, a cheese sandwich from the buffet cart and put it in a toasty machine and make a toasty out of it.

So how do we plan this? And do we go in with the trains or are we sort of undercutting them? I think it's that thing of beg forgiveness, not permission. You go, oh, I didn't know. I didn't know I was not supposed to offer this service. You just got to think out the box. You got to take risks. Especially on the train. I think some people have seen that but I wouldn't I wouldn't bet on it. If I saw that my eyes would burn. People putting a peacock's feather so that the

spot at the end of the peacock's feather is over their eye. You've never seen this where someone holds a peacock feather and the very end of the feather, it's got sort of a spot on it. A lot of animals have fake eyes, by the way. Do they? Yeah, caterpillars down sort of on their lower back have two fake eyes. Do they know that they've got them? Oh, that's such a good question. I don't think so. I don't think they're self-aware. But the end of a peacock feather, I can't believe you've never seen this. Looks like an eye. Yeah, it looks like an eye and someone will hold that over their eye.

So people do hold it over their eye, but you just don't think they do it enough? I just think everyone's on the apps now and seduction. I think if you've got a peacock feather, I think we need to see more of it. There was a man who lived in Lincolnshire called Jimmy, Jimmy and he would never leave the house without a peacock's feather. Is that right? Yeah, but he was a fascinating guy. He taught an otter to swim. No, sorry, sorry. No, no otters can swim. Sorry. He taught an otter how to fish with a fishing rod. That's amazing. Yeah, and he rode a bull into London. He tamed a bull and rode. The king has to speak to him because he was such an English eccentric that this is all real true.

He was such an English eccentric and he used to on a Sunday he used to blow a horn out of his window and all them poor widows used to come to his house and used to cook them a meal. And he's got the peacock feather you said? That was how you knew it was him, he would never leave house without a peacock feather. I wonder if he ever did put it over his eye. Oh and he's hanging around a bunch of widows blowing a horn so they all come to his window? Please. I miss when, to be well known, you just be completely nuts. In Sydney, there was a guy who would go to McDonald's every day.

This is at the Marrickville Metro. He wanted like a, just the syrup. So you know, like the Coke, the post-mix, the Coke is mixed with like soda water, I guess, that syrup. He wanted the syrup straight and wouldn't leave until like they gave him a cup full of this syrup. Yeah. And he was quite, was quite well known for that.

Like if you met someone from, they go, oh, I know that guy, the post-mix cowboy. My granddad for a while dressed like he owned a yacht. And did he have a yacht? No, no. Perfect. But we start, but it worked because we thought he'd won the lottery. He started to wear like linen suits. Everyone was like, wow, he's won the lottery. He started to wear like linen, like linen suits. Everyone was like,

wow, he's coming to money. I'm sure if someone started wearing a peacock feather as an eye, I think people start to talk. It's not so much you wear it, you sort of, you gently, you're moving the peacock feather and sort of, sort of swishing it around. Yeah. And that's sort of the final movement is landing it just over your eye. Ah, ah. Yeah. So you'll sort of be dangling and swishing it around and then that's where it sort of ends up. Burlesque. It's not Burlesque. I'm not interested in that kind of stuff. I saw a Mr Bean inspired Burlesque show once and it confused me. My final thing that I will say about this sort of phenomenon, I guess it's about being sort of an accept, this guy, George Miller,

do you know him who makes the Mad Max movies? Oh yeah. He is so good at casting. I don't know if it's him or if he's got someone, but there's a famous guy in Sydney called Danny and he has a dog called Smiley. He's a really old guy and he has signs that say like, smile today and like, give us a smile. And he just holds up these signs. Sometimes he'll get arrested because his sign will say, smile you cunt. He'll just sort of be hanging around at like traffic islands with these signs. But he's in movie, he's in the Mad Max movie. Wow. I think he must have just gone past him and be like, that guy's good. And he just kept him in.

Well, he's got people, there used to be a guy called Quinton who is a little guy, he was in a wheelchair and he was sort of famous. He would crash Big Brother, like they do Big Brother and there'd be a special episode where Quinton would crash Big Brother and he'd like zoom around in his wheelchair. And he was in the Mad Max movie as well. Why would I know that? And now we've got a new guy called Quaden. So there was Quinten, he's passed away unfortunately, but we all love Quinten. And now there's a new boy called Quaden and he was getting bullied at school, got dwarfism. And his mom made the video where she's like, I'm so,

but like all these kids are targeting Quaden. and now he's in the new Mad Max movie. He's good in the movie as well. He's sort of in like a truck protecting all these cabbages. Oh, can't I think of a better part than that? Oh, that's where, I mean, that's his first movie. That's where you start. You think you've got to be riding the surfboard and shooting a bazooka in your first movie. You start, you know, it's like at school when you, before you have a baby, you start off

protecting an egg. What did Cam Cruz do in his first movie? I think he was looking after an aubergine. You can't even imagine it. If I saw that, my entire life would crumble. Only two people on the planet can imagine it and I'm one of them. So rather than just say this is a fact, I want to pose it as a question to you. Throughout your life, if you think, I know you can't think of it, but if you can visualize all

the public places you've ever been in, in that time, have you ever seen anyone have to change a light bulb? Oh, I don't think so. I've seen problems with lights, but I've never seen a light bulb changed. Is it something to do with the government basically is what I'm saying? No, this is true. And then I feel like light bulbs are still talked about all the time. Someone recently asked me how many Irishmen it would take to change a light bulb.

That could have been a joke. Do you know what you do see? Oh no, I don't actually. I'm wrong. Oh, you wouldn't even read about it, let alone see it. Do you know what you never see? And if you saw, you would combust. Have you ever been in a sauna? I have been in a sauna, yes. Have you ever been in a sauna? I have been in a alone see it. Do you know what you never see? And if you saw, you would combust.

Have you ever been in a sauna? I have been in a sauna, yes. Have you ever seen splash rejection? Or have you ever witnessed someone coming in and saying, would you mind if I splash the rocks? And have you ever seen someone go, no, no, we're all good in here. Don't splash the rocks.

No, no, everyone has always let them do it. And to be honest, I think it's because half of people who you saw on this don't know why you do it, but don't want to ask. Absolutely true. People feel lost in there. And then the people who think they know what they're doing in there, just take control.

They come in, they go, mind if I splash the rocks? And already you're so hot. You don't know, like you've forgotten your middle name. You're like, oh. Yes. And then suddenly they're adding, and it makes the rock scream.

Have you ever, have you ever seen someone do something in a sauna? So like, most people just sit there, but everyone are now and again, someone will do something, and then you can't take your eyes off it. So one woman we saw she was knitting. Oh my goodness.

And another woman had this like massager and she was massaging the lady in front. It became like a performance piece because we're all sat like semi naked sweating, like watching these women like perform this task. I've seen, I used to go to a sauna and there was rules and there were guys that would come in and it was like they'd read the rules and say we're going to do all of those things. So it'd be shaving in the sauna, adding your own concoctions to the rocks. You've made that? What is it? Where do you get that? What is it? They go, modify that and then you're too embarrassed. You go, oh, of course, add that. I've never seen it before. I don't know

what it is. I don't know who you are, But yeah, add that to this. And people confess in the sauna as well. I've seen people sit like, talk about their lives and- Oh God, really? Embezzling and stuff like that. You could write a little film based in a sauna. It's another bad idea. Oh, and it's also a good place to get something off your chest, I think, as well. Because you're among strangers. They're all listening. As you say, if anything happens in the sauna, suddenly that's what we're doing.

Maybe it's a good place to have therapy. Oh, they do hot yoga. Maybe we could do a warm podcast and the temperature goes up and up. It's like those boiling frogs. There's a saying like, no one's happier than a frog that's slowly boiling. Yeah, it doesn't notice it is because it happens so slowly. Yeah, let's do that where the temperature slowly goes up so by the end it's just extreme heat. Yes, let's do that. Can't see it, won't see it. Unfathomable, that is just unfathomable.

I can't fathom it. I don't even want to see it, no. I don't want to see it. Not gonna happen. Sorry. You never see someone actually in a hammock. We had that hammock when I was growing up and I used to I'd have like a cup with a straw. Yeah. Maybe full of Milo. Do you know Milo? Do you want to drink Milo? No, no. Oh, it's a great drink Milo. Milo's great. So I'd have that and there was just, the distance was so perfect that I would flip around in the hammock. Do you know what I mean? So like I'm still in the hammock, but I'm flipped around. Yeah. And I'm, it's just, I'm peeking through and I would sip and I would drink the Milo through

the straw. Yeah. So I'd flip around and I'd be sort of suspended. Did you not feel upside down? I was, I was upside down, but I do do not, I mean I'm still facing and I'm drinking this straw and I said to my sister, I went to her room and I said oh come you've got to see this and I showed her and she wasn't impressed. Wow it sounds like a really lovely early memory. It was actually quite a cold memory because I thought if she's not impressed by this. Oh right. Yeah. Yeah. Was your sister impressed by anything you did? She had a chair that had, do you know Orlando Bloom? Yeah.

So she would cut out pictures of Orlando Bloom from magazines and then decoupage them and put them all over this chair. Oh, right. So she had a special Orlando Bloom chair and I was never allowed to sit on it. What does she mean to you? She wouldn't let me sit on that chair. That was it? But think about what that represents. That's pretty mean. So yeah when was the last time you were in a hammock? In an Orlando Bloom chair? No in a hammock. Oh four years ago.

But you don't see people in them? No or having conversations with someone else in a normal chair. I can name you old chairs where someone would sit and have a conversation but not you don't do it in a hammock. It's time to just give it up. Oh you think cut them down? Yeah it's like homing pigeons, telegrams. Release the hammocks back to their homeland. Don't see won't see. Do you know what I don't want to see? I don't want to I don't want to tell you. Put that permanent blindfold on me as in surgically attach it because I don't want to, I don't want to tell you. Put that permanent blindfold on me, as in surgically attach it, because I don't want to see it. A blimp? Yeah.

What is it? So you don't even know what a blimp is? No. A blimp is an airship. Do you know the Hindenburg? That was an airship that went down and someone yelled, oh, the humanity. That's where that quote comes from.

You don't know blimps at all? I didn't know what a conch was. A blimp is like the biggest balloon in the whole world. And what does it do? I don't really know. So Goodyear, the tires, they had blimps to advertise. So it's an advertising technique. It's like this massive balloon that flies. You've never seen a blimp? No, honestly. Yeah, I haven't seen a blimp in Yonks. That'd be a good title for a song. I haven't seen a blimp in Yonks. By who? Where have title for a song. I haven't seen a blimp in Yonks. By who? Where have they gone and why? You know why, I know why. It's because of the internet.

Advertising can be done on there more now. Which I think is such a shame. And the blimp is also not intrusive. So when advertising, just every website you go, it's in the corners, it's in the sides, it's creeping about and on bus shelters, advertising should be an optional thing. So it's in the sides, it's creeping about and on bus shelters. Advertising should be an optional thing. So it's like, if you are open to maybe seeing an ad, you should have to look up to the sky. Yes. Because it's like, okay, maybe I'll see an advertisement and you look up and there's a blimp.

Yes, yes. And I know this podcast has ads, but that's not our choice. We'd much rather have blimps with Chris and Rosie Ramsey's podcast on the side. I have seen something like that I think. You know what I've never seen. Oh you haven't seen that kind of sort of thing in a while. You don't see that do you? No, no. You know cyclists, cyclists with cycling shorts. Absolutely. You never see them start off on a bike. You're saying that you never see cyclists without the bike. Do you ever see them off off on a bike. You're saying that you never see cyclists

without the bike. Do you ever see them off the bike at all in a cafe or anything like that? Yeah, see that. Yeah. But you never see them actually mounting the bike. I don't know if I have. I've seen them in both other phases. Is there something vulnerable about mounting a bike? Yeah. So we can put this one in sort of the basket with things they don't want us to see, but we'd like to see. Yes. yeah. Yeah. Are you a cyclist? I do sometimes ride a bike, but I'm not a cyclist. I'm not one of these guys, all gear, no idea. I don't have like the stuff. Are you familiar with centaurs? The person who's got a horse's body? Oh, yes, I am. Yeah.

What about that? But it's someone with a bike body. Oh my God. Well, that's what they sort of become, isn't it? And the legs, boy, indirectly, apparently apparently if you cycle so much your legs become like those two metal bits that attach to the to the wheel. It's absolutely true. Hold on what's going on I don't think I've seen that or maybe I have. Do you know what you never see? No chance not in a million years. You never ever ever see it. Okay I don't see casts too much anymore. So we're talking some people with broken arms,

but I've seen a lot of orthopedic shoes. What, around people's arms? No, on their legs. Really? I feel like more people are hurting their legs than their arms. People have learned to take care of their arms, but I see a lot of people wearing the orthopedic shoe,

the moon boot. My mom's got a moon boot. Case in point. And when she didn't want to go somewhere, she pret My mum's got a moon boot. Case in point. And when she didn't want to go somewhere, she pretends she's broken a toe again and puts it on. And when she has it on, she says, David Beckham had one of these. The moon boot turns me into a werewolf.

I was always jealous of kids at school that got one and then everyone could write on it. Oh, the nice signatures and stuff like that. Because like guest books, I love staying somewhere that has a guest book. Oh, do you? Do you like writing in it? Oh, always. Yeah, I say staying somewhere that has a guest book. Oh do you, do you like writing in it? Oh, always. Yeah.

I say, oh, what a beautiful, beautiful place. This is God's country. You could ring up God. If you rang up God from around here, it'd be a local call. I still feel really bad about when I was touring, a guy had an A3 professional photo done of me and it had, you know, proper Sharpie and he said, can to Mark and he said with a K and I wrote kark and I said will it rub off and he said no I felt so bad. You can't even imagine it. If I saw that my entire life would crumble. Only two people on the planet can imagine it and I'm one of them. You never see sheep waking up.

I feel like we sort of covered this one. No. No. Yeah, I've never seen one waking up. OK. And I'd like to. Yeah, you're good. I feel like I never see a harp case, like a case for a harp.

I have, though. You've seen there? Yeah, there was a girl that played the harp at school. And she'd taken her hand in a case for a harp. I have though. You've seen that? Yeah, there was a girl that played the harp at school. And she'd taken around in a case? Yeah, I'm so sorry. Does that mean you win? I'm sorry. I've just been honest.

I mean, it is mad, the case. It's on wheels and then it like opens up. Yeah, I've just never seen that. And I've seen harps in public and I thought, how did you get that here? Yeah. I thought they lowered them in on helicopters. I don't know if I've ever been this depressed. I'm so sorry but equally. I'm really low. I don't know I've never seen them then

transport it. I don't know how the heart got wherever she was taking it. Is this too big to get in a car? Yeah but you have seen the case. Yeah... Sorry. That's okay. I've never seen it. Oh, wait, I would like to see that. I've never ever seen it. No way. You've gone mad. You've got the madness. I know... I know that they're there. Ooh.

I know that they're there. And I know it's a big... issue. I've never seen a pothole. You've never seen a pothole. You've never seen a pothole? No. Not even on TV?

Oh God, yeah, I've seen one on Facebook. Yeah, they're on Facebook. I feel like I've seen one being rectified. I've seen one being filled in. I've seen them being filled in. But by the time I was there and I got on the scene, they go, this has been taken care of, mate. Keep walking.

That's what they do to me. They go, come on, come on, keep going, move on. How are they made? Aliens. Basically pot holes are just them trying out making sinkholes. I never knew that. I've never seen someone cutting a ribbon to the opening of an event or a building. I've never seen those huge scissors. I've never seen the mayor doing that kind of thing. You've never seen anyone buy those scissors and then they say, why buy such big scissors? I'm yet to see that.

Or we could open something. Yeah, that's a good idea. Not a bad way of ensnaring a mayor. I think some people have seen that, but I wouldn't bet on it. If I saw that, my eyes would burn. Oh, I've got a handsome snowman I've never seen. Oh my God, you just don't see them.

The design of the snowman is so strange, how like homogenized, like it just seems like they thought, and that's what a snowman is. They're so, it's so weird that everyone sticks to that formula. So this is in a world where people haven't made a snowman. You said, make a snowman. They wouldn't all make three

sort of giant balls that sort of, you know, slowly shrink as they go up. They wouldn't go top hat, carrot nose, sticks for arms, a scarf. Like it just seems strange that that's been landed on. Going back to trains with electrical sockets, I think really what we're trying to say with all these is people are like sheep and they're just they're just They just follow the crowd. These snowmen are ugly. If you think that you have Made a handsome snowman. Would you send us a picture in? Yeah, send us a nice piccy. To Lucy and Sam www. Jesus Christ. Oh

I've got nothing but love for the boys from above Jesus Christ. Nish don't kill my vibe. Yes that is a Kendrick Lamar reference. I'm so cool. If you enjoy classic humor about subjects such as the climate crisis and income inequality why not come down. Tickets are available right now at nishkamar.co.uk We are traveling the length and breadth of the United Kingdom and doing a show in Dublin from September till November and it's going to be a huge amount of fun. Get your tickets at nishkamar.co.uk