Lucy & Sam's Perfect Brains - Ep 19: Conch All Stars – John Kearns and Damion Priestley

Episode Date: August 2, 2024

Once again, the precious shell is passed between some very special guests who use its power to delve into the hottest topics of the moment. This is Conch All Stars. Recorded and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive. Artwork by Damion Priestley (and Sam Campbell). Theme music by Paul Williams and Sam Campbell. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers' internet. Visit rogers.com for details. We got you, Rogers. Pardon me if you would. It is hard, isn't it? It is difficult to picture a time before the conch.

That jaw-touching ancient shell that gives a voice to those that wish to speak for one minute without being attacked. This episode is dedicated to two brave men who didn't just wield the conch but used it to change history. Sit on the bottom step of your marble staircase and surrender yourself, it's the conch all stars The Holy Spirit is the name of the game. It's Lucy and Sam's perfect brains. One, two, three, four, five, six. Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. Welcome to the Conch All-Stars. This is everyone's favourite format, the format that's taken the nation by surprise,

and it's a welcome surprise. We take a minute talking and we pass with this, this old beautiful shell and we pass it between each other. And if you have the conch, you speak. It's as easy as that pretty much. And what alignment we've got, this is going to be mega. We've got the man next door, your neighbor Damien, and we've got the boy next door, comedy's sexiest stud John Kearns.

Let's hear from John Kearns. How would you describe this guy? I would say he creates worlds. Yeah, he was in a series called, I think it was called Top Coppers. Oh yeah, he had red hair. Yeah, I think it's called Top Coppers. Oh yeah. He had red hair. Yeah. I thought it was really good.

I thought it should have run a lot longer than it did. It got canned, didn't it? It was the last program ever shown on BBC3. He creates worlds and he destroys them. Please welcome John. Cairns. Christ almighty. I've listened to a few of these.

This is bad. This is bad for you guys. Well, we would like feedback. What was bad? Well, uh, Crate's Worlds. You say that to me a lot, you know, I don't know. There's very few people that can get in my head, but Sam gets in my head. But then you're referencing a sitcom I did a decade ago.

Yeah. I just remembered all the stuff you've done since then. Well, it's not. It's not. I don't... Let's do it. No, you're right. You're right. And you there and you look quite official looking because you've got the plosive board behind you. Well, yeah. No, I've turned up for your podcast and you two aren't here, correct? Yeah. Yeah. Let's do it. I'm in the podcast studio.

Let's do it again then, Sam. Not only does he create worlds, he creates the moons that circle around them, the rings that keep them in place. Is that what the rings are for on the planets? What are those rings for? List off some of his credits if you may. No, no, gosh there's so many. Don't list credits. He was undoubtedly the star of his series of Taskmaster but if you are familiar with the Edinburgh Festival you'll know that he has

won accolades. Was he the only person to be nominated three years in a row or nominated for both prizes? I think it was five. I think he had just a dreamy five year stretch. And his shows in Edinburgh are the most talked about shows ever. None of this is true. When I talk about him, I talk about him in hushed tones. People are like, what are you talking about? Who are you talking about? Just because my tones are so hushed. You're the, what's his name of our generation from the fast show? Charlie Higson?

No. Paul Whitehouse. Paul Whitehouse. You are the Paul Whitehouse of our generation. And he belongs to the Whitehouse as the president of modern comedy. Johnny, welcome to the Codge. Are you excited slash nervous? I'm nervous, yeah. I have heard a couple of these and it's not as easy as it sounds. No, it's not easy. It makes sense to be nervous, but use them, use these nerves.

Yeah, I'm on your side. Sam isn't, but I am. Yeah, he's quite a stickler for the rules, right? Yeah, yeah. You want to respect the conch? Yeah. You know what I hate? People have been saying rules were made to be broken. Tell that to the person who invented rules.

Like, yeah, and they were made to be broken. They're like, no, they were made to be obeyed. What are you crazy? Yeah, but it's human nature, isn't it? And free will and the human spirit. That thing, we naturally do want to break things. We wouldn't have evolved because someone would have said, don't play with them sticks and then someone else has made a fire with them. Do you know what poo sticks is Sam?

Oh, I know it's something to do with the river. Lucy mentioned sticks and I thought, I wonder if Sam knows what poo sticks is. It's quite a British thing maybe. Yeah, what is it? Is it a rite of passage? It's to do with winning the poo. Him and his mate dropped, they dropped two sticks off a bridge. Then you run to the other side of the bridge and see which stick comes out first. Who did that?

Winnie the Pooh and his mate. Hi, I'm honey. Hi, I'm sugar. They did that. I went to the New York Public Library and they have the original toys that it's based on, Winnie the Pooh. Look it up, Piglet, the original Piglet. Probably one of the foggliest things I've

ever seen. Yeah. Yeah. It's horrible. I auditioned to be the voice of Winnie the Pooh about eight years ago. And I was in that booth for about 20 minutes rattling through these scripts. And they were nodding along and then they paused and they went, John, we're just going to have a chat. They turned off the sound so I can't hear anything. I'm just looking at them through the glass. I'm like, what's happening here? I can see about, there's about 16, 20 people in this room because I don't know. And they're all having this big chat and it goes on for like two, three minutes and everyone's

getting involved. They turn the mic back on. They went, John, we want you to read for Piglet. So there was a discussion. I'd love to have heard what that discussion was, but they were going, there's no way this guy is a poo, because poo has a, he's got curiosity, whereas Piglet has kind of a panicked, we've got to stick by the rules. And they would have been dissecting me, looking at me through that glass saying, this isn't our poo, but I reckon

he can play a petrified little, what is he a mouse? He's got to be a pig. He looks like a mouse. Clifford the big red dog. What is he? Is he some sort of insect? He's not a fucking dog, besides him. Someone went, this is my dog. You go, well, it's not a dog, is it?

It's like a new breed of summon. Not a fucking dog. Why isn't it a dog? Dogs aren't that big. Dogs aren't red. Dogs aren't called Clifford. It's time to play the conch, surely. So you know how it works, John. We each take one minute speaking uninterrupted.

Cannot emphasize that enough, this uninterrupted sort of thing. What order should we go in? I think John should go first. Yeah, I'd like that as well. Okay, should we begin in? I think John should go first. Yeah, I'd like that as well. Okay, should we begin? So I was at the back of a magazine on the train coming here. There was like an advert for an auction house and it had like things that had been sold at auction. One of them was a book and it was a first edition of Lord of the Rings. It sold for 24 grand. I'm thinking, what kind of first

edition book, what can I buy now? I always think when Harry Potter comes up in auction and people are going, this is the first edition of Harry Potter and it's more than that. I think it's going for maybe half a million. I'm thinking I need to go to a bookshop and find, you tell me I've been talking for a minute. You've got to be joking to me. I haven't even got to my point of what I was about to say. Okay.

That was amazing, John. What a great opening sort of gambit. I haven't even got to my point of what I was about to say. Okay. That was amazing, John. What a great opening sort of gambit. You're here and you hear the play and this is high risk, high reward stuff. You saw the first edition of Lord of the Rings. Oh my goodness. Yeah. What's the obsession with first editions?

Why are people so keen to get their hands on them? I know. Do they include things that have sort of been cut in other editions? Is that why? Has it got like, you know, Smeagol's got some extra stuff? Are there bonuses? Are there extras? Or is it just that's from the first print? Oh, he's not talking to me. Talking to the listener. I sort of am talking to you, but you've really got to keep your trap shut or some really rotten stuff's going to happen. Okay. So first additions is your question. What book now would you like to get your hands on so you can sell at

an auction house in the future? Okay. I would say, um, go. My mom found a book in a charity shop in Hull and inside it was signed by Richard Attenborough. He'd give this book to somebody and saying, I hope you enjoy it as Richard Attenborough. My mum bought it and then on my 30th she gave it to me and she said, I've not got anything to pass on to you wealth-wise

when I die, but I want you to have this book now and keep it for years because it'll be worth an absolute fortune. And I looked it up and on eBay I looked at other things signed by Richard Attenborough and it was a completely different signature, complete different writing. And so it was just a guy called Richard Attenborough. I remember he kept this book like 20 years to pass on to me as an heirloom. It's not worth anything. The book was called I Touched the Earth and the Earth Touches Me. Well, I've got a signed book by Nick Hornby. I've got a signed kids book, one by John Classen.

You know the guy who did the, what did the bear loses his house? Anyway, he signed it. Have you seen how people sign things now, these books, they don't sign the book. They sign a sticker and then someone slaps it in the book. Yeah. Yeah, but that's cheaper. Also Richard Attenborough, didn't he direct Gandhi? Yeah. It was David Attenborough. Did you know that? Yeah, yeah, I knew that. Brothers, yeah.

Which one do you prefer? Well, I get told I look like Richard Attenborough sometimes. Okay, so we're talking the Attenborough brothers and I wonder if there's some sort of rivalry there or something. Were they, I don't know, because Richard Attenborough directed Jurassic Park. No, he was in Jurassic Park. He played this great scientist who discovers mosquitoes in amber and all this kind of stuff. But his brother then did Walking with Dinosaurs, where he was narrating over 3D dinosaurs. And never once did he mention that. He goes, oh, and

by the way, my brother was in Jurassic Park. Surely that would come up. Like, why is he not mentioning that? Like, unless there's some sort of, unless something happened at Christmas, why didn't he mention that? You know, David Williams, I know a comedian called Dave Williams, and he once got mistaken for David, like someone came to a show in rural New South Wales and got him to sign all the kids books for their son because they thought he was David Williams. in the photos he looks so sheepish. It's the most sheepish I've ever seen someone look ever. Conch! I don't think he should have to feel sheepish. I think he should absolutely own that.

This is driving me mad. I'm begging you John, you've really... Mummy? Yes? Oh God. When will you be back? In a few hours. Do you want to come here and play the conch? Do you want to come and play the conch?

Where you have to talk for a minute. Is she going to play during my time? You have to put clothes on there. Are you talking to me or? The, the... Conch! Do you know David Attenborough? Sam, you might not know this.

He ran BBC Two. You know that? He was the controller. Was he? Yeah, he said he didn't know that. Yeah, he was. He ran BBC Two. This guy, you know.

Also their dad was the first... Oh no, I'm getting them mixed up with... No, no, no, no! I'm getting them mixed up with... No, no, no! I'm getting them mixed up with... No! Fuck! Fuck! Who did Question Time? Who did Question Time? Lucy! Dimple B! Dimple B Brothers! CUT! Oh! Never mix up a Dadimbrer and a Dimbly. I'm starting to get upset again about the sticker situation. I agree. And I don't like seeing an author who's signing like many, many books in a row.

It just robs it of all kind of meaning. I think they should potentially only be allowed to sign one book a day. Do you think that'd be good? And it's like to get a signed copy because they've only done one signature a day. What do you think about that idea? You're only ever allowed to do your signature once a day. So you can't, you know, and that might stop people from catching too many checks and stuff. And I could also say that Lucy has now been joined by us, a child. And we might, hello. We, I think we're going to do our first ever child conch if that's

okay. Child, you have one minute to speak. She's got to talk about something for a minute. This is the best mummy in the world. She lets me play Minecraft. And... And... You're the best mummy in the world. Okay. What do you think about children's authors, which is your favourite? We've been talking about David Walliams.

Who's David Fingeybob? That's exactly the right answer because you've only been brought up on Roald Dahl. No, I like Julia Donaldson. Yeah, she's probably the best out of them all, isn't she? Yeah, I like the groffalo. I like the groffalo. Snail and the whale. That's probably the best out of them all, isn't she? Yeah, I like the groffalo. I like the groffalo. Um...

Snail and the whale. That's pretty good. Um... I like... Um... Codge! You mean it's up? Okay. LAUGHTER This is brutal, that.

Ooh, that won't be long. See you in a minute. Cool, bye. She needs a bit of practice, but she'll get there. Who goes it now? This is brutal. That won't be long. See you in a minute. Cool. She needs a bit of practice, but she'll get there. Who's goes it now? It's me. Oh, you're not, you're not taking that time off me, are you? Do you know, David Dimbleby used to host Question Time and his brother on the radio used to host Any Answers. Wow.

Charlie the Chocolate Factory first edition signed seven and a half grand. Seven and a half grand. God, John is it true that you auditioned for the Gruffalo and they had sort of a big meeting and they said maybe we can get him to play that little mouse instead. I don't know the Dimplebee brothers, but they sound absolutely incredible. I like that they're covering questions and answers. It's hard, isn't it, with all these conversations around nepotism and stuff like that. It's hard to get a really good show business family dynasty going without people sort of tearing you to strips.

Oh dear, dearie me. This is a way of having a conversation. It's just ridiculous. It's a new way of talking that's catching on. There's sort of different counties that have started doing the conch and it's brought them together. Like actual people have done that and certain Pygmy tribes have started doing this as a new way of talking and it's solved a lot of conflict.

Conch! I tell you which family dynasty is fascinating and they really need to make a Netflix drama series about it. I mean I thought about doing it but I just can't really bother to be honest but the Guinness family have you heard of the Guinness dynasty they're all absolutely do lally and they all actually look like a Guinness. No, no, their skin is is is white, pale white, like the top of a Guinness and their hair is jet black, like the the body of the Guinness and because they've been brought up in so much, you know, there's just so much wealth and you know, in high society, but because they've been brought up in so much, you know, there's just so much wealth and, you know, in high society, but because they've had no purpose in life and I think there's

been a lot of trauma and stuff as well. They're just, they're the man. God, Guinness paid for the massive chandelier in Westminster Abbey that hangs over the grave of the unknown soldier. Yeah, the Dimblebees. Their dad was the first journalist in Belsen. He was a wartime journalist and his report from the camp when it was freed is famous for being the first time the world knew what was actually going on in Germany. So nepotism, we think of nepotism like Lily Allen or... I can't have another fucking example. Oh, nepotism. Will Smith,

his kids are big. His kids are big. Yeah, they're big enough. Oh dear, they have grown and they're doing some amazing stuff. I like this stuff. Yeah, a war is only as good as its correspondence. I'm reading a book about John Steinbeck and he, I like this. I don't know if people have this much, I guess, reverence for authors, but he, during the war, he contacted Roosevelt.

He goes, I've got an idea for the war. I don't think you can do that. You couldn't just say to Keir Starmer, like, hey, I've got an idea for, and like get an audience with, maybe you can, I don't know. But he just went to meet up with him and he goes, man, you've got to get some planes going and drop counterfeit German money all over Germany. It'll topple their economy. And I think Roosevelt was like, that's good.

And I think they just never got around to it or there was some problem. But yeah, he just had this idea. Guinness World Records, what one would you go for Lucy? Codge. I'm good at making a sound of a dark creek. Sorry. Sorry. And I think I could do that.

I don't think anyone's done that for say 48 hours in a row. I could do that. I used to have a tick where I did that with my tongue over and over again. I could bring that back. I'd be slightly worried about bringing it back because it took me years to sort of shake it off. But I can't remember of anyone doing that. Yeah, those two.

Just those two, I think. I could do the sound of the Jubilee line. Maybe that'll get on the Guinness World Record. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Is that someone on the Jubilee line? What noise is that on the Jubilee line? What you're saying that's someone sat in a chair doing that noise on the Jubilee line. What noise is that on the Jubilee line? What you're saying that's someone sat in a chair doing that noise on the Jubilee line? I don't know. He could be on the district line, that guy. No, that's the sound of the Jubilee line. But what part, what's making that sound?

What part? It's when you're waiting for the Jubilee line on the platform, it comes in. No, no buts. I knew a guy who had a really long hair growing out of his leg and he applied to get them to come, but the hair fell off before the guy came. And the guy eventually came and he measured it and he said, you would have got the record, but it would have needed to still be attached to the leg for you to have gotten the record. So it was long enough. How is he dealing with that now? How is he doing? Oh, he's good, yeah, yeah.

He's always got stuff going on. What the fuck are you talking about? I mean, what, when I talk it's a problem. Shall we now go to 30 seconds? Yeah, let's go. Go on. It's hard to know what to say now because all I'm thinking about is

don't bring back that, that I used to do. I used to do a lot of them, I used to go like this and the way my mum stopped me from going, was she chucked her remote control out of my head. We were watching Birds of a Feather and she was like, I can't hear it. Do you remember Birds of a Feather? One of their husbands was in prison. Never knew what he did. I got, for my dad's birthday, my brother bought him a Guinness surge. Have you seen these things?

You stick them on the top of the can and they pipe out like how you get a Guinness in a pub. Oh God. There's so many things to talk about. I feel like Ethan Hunt in Mission Impossible and he's like, which wire should I cut? And then the guy goes, any of them. You could cut any of them. They're all so good.

A Guinness surge, is that just a, yeah, sort of a, my friend, we used to get free energy drinks because he did a crazy viral character. And they said the whole, all these boxes of them, and we used to drink them and go crazy. And we had so many left over, we'd just throw them at a wall. Gawd! I once, I once applied to be in this

like a triangle pyramid scheme. It was like a cheap Avon, you know, with Avon cosmetics. And if you joined you got these like free samples and they just kept sending me these free samples because they'd say, oh, how much interest have you got? And I was like, oh, there's like, I'd say about 50 to 100 women in the local that are thinking about joining.

So they would send me these free samples and then I just had them all in the cupboard under the stairs and I just stopped answering emails and calls and then every time I went to get the Hoover out I was just reminded of this absolutely ridiculous time of my life. They handed me free ages to send the samples back. All war is a symptom of man's failure as a thinking animal, John Steinberg. Also, apparently straight men don't read fiction. Lucy just kept going. She did a double.

Every now and again, someone can do a double if they want. Oh, there's a double? Yeah. So it goes back. We just... Well, whose is that? That's mine. That's disgraceful.

That's disgraceful. I wasn't expecting... We just went half half minute to... Have you guys got Fredo Frogs over here? This is sort of a pretty popular chocolate. You got Fredo? You got Fredo, surely? I knew a guy who played for the Wallabies. He was a rugby union player, but his brother was getting, you know when you sell chocolates for school, like raising money for charity or a trip to the snow or something, and he was bringing home so many chocolate, the Freddo frogs, and his brother, this former athlete was eating them all and he became very overweight as

a result and it nearly ruined his life. Just his younger brother bringing home these Freddo frogs. How are you not? What's that John? It's not my turn. You can't take my turn. He's going to start counting down now and you're going to start chirping up. No, you could have another go.

Because I was on the original conch. It means I get special powers. And one of the powers is I can decide when it's somebody else's go. So it's your go now. Right, how do you tell people that you probably can't say? The koala, the koala, what the koala? Caramel koalas, you don't get them over here, you can get Freddys. Conch! Oh right, so you call him Freddy. We call him Freddo and yeah, he does have a similar shape. I don't give a fuck about it. Yeah, we don't call him Freddy, we call him Freddo's, okay? And that's my special power as a guest that I've just introduced. I could jump in for 10 seconds.

I love seeing another side to people. So the Caramello Koala, yeah, that's sort of similar to the Freddo. It's just got bigger ears. It's a very similar shape. But yeah, same family, incredible stuff. Okay, that's me. Fuck. Gosh. If I hear someone or see on social media someone saying how much a Freddo is now compared to how much a Freddo used to be, I have to stop myself getting a knife and poking it in my

eye. It's just been used so many times. That and saying about that middle aisle in Lidl, how you can get like flippers. Yeah, yeah, that stuff's crap. But it's like when they interview MPs and the way they kind of try and not just MPs but like rich people, they go, how much is a pint of milk? That's the kind of test on whether you actually go out and can afford to, I mean, what's the test?

It depends like where you're buying it from. Also if you're a billionaire, why the hell would you know how much milk is? You're tired of him, is that what you're saying?? You're talking about being in touch with a common man. I think the only product that has sort of the price has actually gone down is slushies. I heard this recently, slushies were quite expensive. But then I think 7-Eleven were just like, make slushies just have them like really cheap. It's just slush at the end of the day. And then all the other competitors be like, yeah, it is just slush and they've had to keep them very cheap. And people just know that they'll buy slush and they'll buy some other stuff.

Gosh. That's right what John said. They do try to trick them with questions like that. And that's great. But what's worse is people fall for it as well. That's the problem. It's the public, isn't it? And how naive and brittle they are. But once people have decided something, they don't want to change their mind, do it.

And I think that's why we've been in the mess. We're in. I saw this video and this guy was going, how much is a Mars bar? And these guys were going, 8.5p, then another guy goes like 1 pound 10. And he's like, okay, how much is a pair of scissors? And they're like, what the hell? One there's like 4.99, the other's like, I don't know, six, seven pounds. They're like, that's where shops make their money on things that you don't know how much they cost. things that you don't know how much they cost? Gosh! Wow! So it's all sort of scissors.

Yeah, that's pretty interesting. What was the last thing you purchased? Hey, that's a good question. Yeah, Lucy, what was the last purchase you made? Gosh! The most impulsive thing I've ever bought, I know exactly what it is and I bought it about three weeks ago. And not only was it impulsive,

I bought it within, I'd say, about eight minutes of me being awake. So I woke up and I went on Facebook and it was the first advert that came up. I wasn't even fully awake and it was an earthen blanket and it cost 150 pounds. And it said that we're meant to like, when we lived in the wild,

we would sleep on the floor and be closer to the earth and the magnetic force. And what this blanket does, it changes the ions in you and makes you feel like you're sleeping on earth and you even plug it in. Oh, is it me? What is, it just sounds like you bought a blanket made out of, what, mud, dirt? No, it's got little wires in them, but they don't do anything. Wires, oh, do you know what? I bought something and they use it to...

Oh. CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT! Yeah, I'm interested in this new mattress. So it simulates the earth. Why don't you just sort of sleep on the earth itself?

Have you not heard of an earthen blanket? It was only after I bought it and put it on the bed that I decided to look if it worked or not. It doesn't. Do you reckon we should do 15 seconds? But I've bought other things that are ridiculous. Like when I bidded all day on a, it was a shabby chic country cottage dining table and chairs. And when it arrived,

it was for a doll's house. I, yeah, I bought a sofa. That was a doll's house. I bought a printer and I thought it'd be interesting to just put all the cartridges, to put the wrong ones in, like the red, wear the blue, and just see what would happen. And yeah, it just never worked at all. I just thought it would print some really interesting things, but yeah, it just got confused. I once stabbed a fly and I didn't know I was gonna do it. Like usually, as you know, like a fly would move as soon as you went near it.

But this fly let me stab it in the right. I got a mouse in the house at the moment and it ran out of my kitchen. I was like, that's great. And then it started running up the stairs. I was like, what the fuck? Can't go up there. I had flies recently and I feel like I just was so annoyed. I was like, I can't have flies that they left.

Like I felt like they picked up on my mood and they realised I was not happy about it. I love what they do with their hands. My granddad had badges in his garden and they caused hell on his lawn. Absolute hell. You've never seen so many molehills, it looked like the moon landing. And his next door neighbor said, make a jam sandwich for them and leave it out and they'll go. Will they like badgers like mashed potato? There was a kid show, do you know this Sam? There was a kid show called Bodger and Badger.

Oh, it's brilliant. And that badger, he was obsessed with mashed potato. I used to read this children's fantasy book, these books called Redwall, That's brilliant. And that badge, he was obsessed with mashed potato. Conch! I used to read this children's fantasy book, these books called Redwall, and it was all about like badges with like swords and things like that. And I remember I had a big cut on my chin and I put Benadine all over it. Now whenever I like smell that kind of smell, I think of the badges of Salamandastron. I think that was an amazing conch. We picked up such a flow there at the end. We're better with the smaller ones.

Yeah, we're better with 15 seconds. It's almost like having a chat, you know, like a podcast. Yeah, anything to promote or anything like that, Jonny? No, I've got generally nothing going on. What are you up to at the moment, Jan? Seemed to have a few magazines on the go. Yeah, I've got nothing on. I've just finished a tour. My show will be on Sky, now TV. Oh, that's amazing. Look up to the sky and you'll see John Kearns. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet.

Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers internet. Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you, Rogers. That was the wonderful John Cairns who really is one of the best comedy character actors of our generation. Pure dynamite that guy. Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock.

Let's hear from Lucy's former neighbour Damion. His name has got the O in it. Damien. Have you heard of the concept Lucy of a neighbor from hell? Oh, I have, yes. Well, this fellow, this guy is by all reports, the neighbor from heaven. This is your neighbor Damien. This is my old neighbor Damien,

who is by far the best neighbor I've ever had in my life and is part of the family. Emma and Damien and their son Thomas and they're a adopted family really. I don't know what I'd do without them. And they're thrifty. They're ever so thrifty. They love a bargain. Yeah, we are thrifty.

Yeah, we're very careful, aren't we, Luce? Well, you buy in bulk, don't you we Luce? Well you're buying bulk don't you Damien? Absolute everything in bulk. We go to a supermarket in Alifax and it's a budget one and it's called Barry's and you can buy tubs of tonic water, you know massive tubs for a quid and we fill it with everything like that, crisps, cheap, everything. Yeah we're very thrifty. In fact we're only saying the other day, our son came up from London and it'd be cheaper for him to get trained from King's Cross up to Alifax,

go to Barry's, do a big shop and get trained back down to London. It'd be cheaper than him going to Waitrose to do his shopping. And is he gonna do that? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, didn't have a clue what was going on for five years. Well do you mind if I scoop you up and throw you in the deep end? Sure. Well what I'm going to start off by saying is when Lucy sent the text through yesterday

about this one minute, I looked at Emma and read her the text and there was silence for five minutes and after five minutes I said what would you talk about? She had no idea at all. And I was looking around the room and I was trying to get inspiration just to think about something I could talk about. And I was just looking at all the bits and bats and furniture that we've got from your house, Lucy. So anyway, I wondered around the house and I made a little list and our house is literally full of your furniture and bits and bats. So I've made a look, this is just the tip of the

iceberg where I've got a coffee table, a TV stand, nester tables, F&M hamper for our logs for the fire, four wicker hampers, a wine rack, a massive pot in the garden with a six foot rose, lamp, toasters, sofa cushions, rugs, carpets, record player, a put up bed. Oh my god, Damien is off with a fiery start. So Lucy, I can't help but wonder, are these things that you've just sort of left there as an excuse to go and visit Damien more and more or do you just sort of lose stuff? Because I once lost half of my clothes. I'd washed the clothes and left them on a balcony and they all fell off. And I just lost half my clothes all in one foul swoop. But yeah, it's so insane

to think of all the little knickknacks and things you've left behind and have ended up in strange places. I mean, I've left so many hats in different places. I'd love to sort of go and visit them all and do a tour of all the hats that I've left in very different locations. So yeah, my question to you, Lucy, I think I'm running out of time, is why are you leaving all this stuff at Damien's place? What gives? And is any of his stuff at yours? No, none. It's because I spend money like there's no tomorrow every day. I don't like saving it. Once I've got it I like to just get rid of it and one of the things I buy is I like furniture

and home furnishing and home accessories and I've bought that much through the years that I realize sometimes I buy something I think there's nowhere put it. So I'll give it to Emma and Damien. Or I'll maybe change the sort of like tone and style of one room and then I don't need the things that are in there. And basically I know anything I don't want, Emma and Damien will have it. Even if they don't want it, they'll still have it. Which I think is a real sign of a good neighbor.

When they go, well, we don't, I said, do you want this rug? And they're like, no, we don't, I said, do you want this rug? And they're like, no, we don't really need it, but we'll have it if you don't want it. It's a lovely thing. That garage is just full of my stuff. Codge. Well, just moving on.

Loose, if you've got a king-size mattress, ours is 20 year old and it's gone a bit soft. So if you've got a king-sized mattress lying about then we could really do with that. And Lucy's house, when they moved into this house they had what was called, we called it a function room and it's got that much stuff in, you've never seen anything like it. It was full of sofas, beds, running machines, you know carpets, tables, chairs and it's actually now called the Heart Foundation room because it's like the warehouse at the Foundation Centre and you're very right Lucy, our house is not only full of all your things, but the garage is bloody full too.

Absolutely full to the rafters. Gosh, that is incredible. I heard a really interesting story. It was a jilted lover, sort of that kind of thing. This lady was sort of having sort of problems with a lover and she gave him the boot. He got kicked out. Then she noticed this awful, awful smell. And she goes, what is that? And she'd have people around and say, what's going on? It smells like death, it's horrible. They found out this guy had sliced a hole in the mattress,

just in the side and he'd hit it. He put like all chicken giblets and that kind of thing. And this meat had gone rotten and it was hidden inside the mattress. Wow. And she was like quite a high flyer as well. I think she was like a network executive. And you just think that stuff like that

couldn't happen to someone like that. Do you know what I mean? Like, yeah. Why? Just, I don't know, just for them to hide it inside the mattress. God. Well, I mean, you know, it's been scorned, doesn't it?

I mean, you do, you know, matters of the heart, you do, it makes you do weird things. Especially, it's quite a good idea because it won't happen, it's just happened over time, won't it? You know, the spell will get stronger and stronger. My mum wants, a boyfriend once cheated on my mum and whilst he was asleep, she went in his bag and she found a little Polaroid photograph of him with this new woman and so my mum said, she woke up and she said, come downstairs in five minutes and she kept the room dark downstairs and just put this little table light on and she stuck the polaroid to her forehead and he came down and she said,

what's wrong, what you looking at me like that for he was like take it off take it off and she was like i don't know what you're talking about but what's up and interrogated him well just on the back of a chicken in a mattress i'll tell you a little tale about a friend of ours called helen well friends called helen and howard who had a pet chicken called brenda and it was just ridiculous and And one day Howard knocked on the door and he was upset. He was nearly crying. And the chicken had died on the way to the vets. So I said to Howard, where's Ellen? Bring them in, bring, you know, come in.

So Helen came in with the dead chicken in her arms. She was sat there in our chair for nearly two hours and amongst all the tears and the, it was all, I mean, we were trying to be really sympathetic, but it's a, I mean, it's a bloody chicken bloody chicken and she says can we bury it in your garden so I had to say yes we picked a spot I dug a hole that was a foot deep in the garden thinking that we're fine looked it up on the internet when I went in to have a shower and apparently it has to be at least four feet deep and I'm going to carry on with this one. Oh, okay. Oh, God.

That's, yeah, that is called a cliffhanger. I'm hanging by tender hooks. Yeah, why do chickens need to be buried so deep? Do they come back? Are they sort of reanimate? Cops and badgers. Damien, I really, I'm begging you. Please, please, please.

The conch will not do. I'm so sorry. But if you interrupt me again, I really, I will just, I can't control what I do. My friend had bought chickens and he let his son name one of them. Do you know what he called his pet chicken? Smackwad. I always liked that. But yeah, I mean, we all grieve in different ways, I suppose.

Yeah, why do chickens need to be buried so deep? I mean, it is a shame that Lucy is the next person, but maybe she knows the answer. Smack one! Well, I thought it was an amazing story, Damien, and I'm looking forward to the next part from you. I mean, I do remember you saying you had to dig it three feet deep. I mean, it's partly, I think, living in the countryside, isn't it? You have all these issues with animals, don't you? I mean you're living near alpacas, horses, sheep, cows. I think you've had all sorts in your garden, haven't you? Foxes, badgers, and that little hedgehog you had. But yeah, please do carry on telling us about this because you buried it but I mean you was going to cremate

it but you thought it'd smell too nice and so do do carry on with the funeral oh yeah i've still got a little bit more time here and do tell them about when i got brenda's name wrong there you go anyway it were a foot deep this hole and it needed to be four foot deep to keep the dogs and badges from digging it up because they'd basically dig it up, they'd smell it dig it up and they'd be off and then you'd just be left with a damn big hole and a carcass. So I dug it down to four foot, the funeral service for this chicken wasn't for a week so it had filled up with water so we had to, you know, we had to get all the water out with an old ice cream tub. The day came of the funeral

and they came round in a, it was actually a Waitrose wicker bag with straw in and I had to get on my stomach because I couldn't get down to the bottom and drop this chicken in the bottom and there were a tub of cat food went in with it and some bird seed and the strange thing was And the strange thing was that Howard then started to say a prayer and it was a proper funeral. And it was a bit awkward. And we even had to have a little wake afterwards with a glass of sherry and we lit a candle. God! What I would do to attend this chicken's funeral. Was there a man of the cloth there? Any sort of, get the local priest around for that kind of thing? We didn't go that far. You're testing me.

You are really testing me, Damien. And I also noticed that you have an O in your name. And am I allowed to sort of do a bit of digging of my own and inquire? Cause I've seen Damien's with an E. I think I've even seen Damien with an A. Never seen a Damien with an O. Sort of like the word champion.

And I would love to know the etymology of that. And we still need to get back to the story of Lucy and Brenda and how she maybe mistook Brenda for a did she call her Brenda by accident. Can I answer you? No. Okay. Gosh. I'm not going to lie, I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie.

I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie.

I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie.

I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not card to Brenda. And I got talking to Helen's sister and she said, Oh, you're really good friends with Helen. And of course I thought she meant the chicken. And I thought, why is this woman being so antagonistic? Of course I'm not friends with a chicken. And I said, no, I fed her once when they went away. And she likes it when you stroke her head while she's feeding. and then she looked at me like I was insane and I was thinking you're the other one that's insane. I mean even when Damien said

Brenda's died I was like oh my god I was like oh no it's not it's the chicken it's not Helen. I can't really go on anymore about the chicken that's about it but it was very uncomfortable we had to light candles like I say and have a sherry and a little bit of a wake and there were lots of tears and the worst bit about it was it was when I lowered it down into this hole, its head rolled around and it's eye just looked at me because it had been in a garage in room temperature for a week. Anyway, I haven't eaten chicken since. Honest to God, I'm not a vegetarian or anything like that, but I do not eat chicken anymore. Just going back then to the name, I just think it's because my mum and dad couldn't spell.

My first name is Damien with an O and my second name is John without the H, and everybody just said could your parents not spell? And that's the answer God, Damien John. Wow. My next, I'm sort of, I'm gonna keep probing. I wouldn't, yeah, we're done with the chicken stuff. That's been laid to rest. It's crazy that it sort of looked at you and then you haven't eaten chicken since. I would love to know the first encounter.

So Lucy, did Lucy move in next to you or did you move in next to Lucy? Who sort of arrived? And was it sort of fireworks from the start or was it slowly, you know, I mean, I know a lot of neighbors borrow a cup of sugar. Yeah, neighbors are sort of funny, aren't they? I don't really know my current neighbors.

I sort of, yeah, there's a bit of nodding, but not much chat. I'd like to get to know them better. Do you just knock on their door? You just get in there? Is that the first step? Just somehow getting into their space? Maybe I go, yeah, can you take some, can you take these four tables and this rug?

Maybe I can just start dropping stuff off there. How do you get on with these moves? How do you get into there? How do you infest, not infest, but how do you get on? The way you need to do it is live in a rural community that has had a lot of flooding. And then what you find is that people have a real sense of community spirit. And then the second thing you need is living a cul-de-sac where you have to go past their house. And also living a cul-de-sac where it's sort of

not on the main street. So post is a big problem because people can't work out where your house is. So that your neighbors have to like take posts for you and stuff. And I think, I think that's how I first met Damien. I was having that much stuff delivered. It was going to their house. And then they used to laugh about how much we had. And then also I have neighbors who have got a very different life to you because one of my receipts from a meal I had in London

blew into their garden and Emma and Damien got it and pinned it on the fridge and invited the friends around to see how much I paid for this meal. The tip on that receipt Lucy was more than we would pay for a meal. It was ridiculous and they weren't just, it was honestly when they put stuff out on a Thursday for recycling it was, our garden was like a landfill site. It was just full of people. There were bank statements coming through.

There was all sorts. And what you've got to remember is that when they bought the house next door to us, they didn't move in for about eight months. And Lucy had a father come and sort of do bits of work on the house. The first time I went round was when I saw wardrobes coming out of a bedroom window down into the garden and I didn't know just what was happening so I went round and introduced myself and then Lucy and John moved in and Elsay and it just sort of stemmed from there didn't it Lucy? Yeah. And of course Elsay was very young she was only a little baby so we used to help out

babysitting. Oh I'm in. I'm so sorry. I hate to interrupt someone when they're talking about a newborn. That just feels awful. Someone starts talking about a baby and I go, shut up. No, no, I really don't feel good about that. But that's, you know, that's the game we play. Ideas for receipts.

I've thought about this a lot. I went to an Ottoman cafe and I thought Ottoman, Ottoman Empire, you know, the helmets they had with the spike on top. Do you reckon they, what if they all wore those and they put all the receipts on the spike? I don't know. I like when you see the spike. I like the spike and more spikes. Oh my next sort of line of inquiry. Here we go. I'm going to hit you with this. So Lucy no longer lives there. Is there a new neighbor or who lived there before Lucy? who was the old neighbor? That's what I wanna know.

Who was the neighbor prior to Belmont? Before these started. I love the receipt and putting it on the fridge. Ha ha ha. Conch. The old neighbor was a man called Bernard and the lawn he had was absolutely, you'd never seen such a pristine garden lawn.

And he told me, whispered in my ear, I'll tell you the secret, I've he told me, whispered in my ear, I'll tell you the secret, I've never told anyone, put tomato feed on it, that is the secret to a luscious green lawn. And he lived there with his wife and they, do you know what, the weirdest thing about it is when we moved in, one night I went to bed and I felt a ghost dog get in bed with me and it was so real to me at the time. I could feel the weight of it, I could feel the breath of it, I could feel the tongue, everything. And I was like, God, there's been a dog lived here. And I told

everyone and everyone was like, you're mad, you're absolutely mad. Anyway, went into the garage and in a box there was a picture of a St. Bernard dog and Bernard bred dogs. Well, I'll tell you something, Lou say it wasn't a St. Bernard that lived there. It was an Alsatian. Oh yeah. I've never known a dog bark as much. It used to bark from when we woke up in the morning to when we went to bed at night.

And there was one day when it was Father's Day and I can even, I can even, this is going back, what, 10 years, Emma, 10 years. I can even, I'm gonna bark to you how it barked. Oh, no. It went woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof. And it was Father's Day and we went to bed that night and we were laid in bed with windows open

because it was June and Emma just said, I have had enough. I have had enough with this dog barking. So you ruined it, didn't you? And we just said, you need to stop this dog. And then all they could say to us was, well, we live in that end of house, furthest away and dog lives in end closest to you and it's tough.

It used to say that our cat aggravated it. Oh my goodness and I know exactly how this ends. Oh, this is a really grisly tale. So your cat has been aggravating this dog, sort of walking up and down showing off as they tend to do. You're also, you're ringing them this dog woof, woof, woof, woof. You end up poisoning this dog. It's incredibly clear what's happened to you. I know exactly what you have. You poisoned this dog. You thought that was the end. It appears as an apparition, as a spirit, as it goes. It gets into bed with one Lucy Bowman and warns her, As it goes, it gets into bed with one Lucy Bowman and warns her, and warns her you are living next to murderers. I have got this.

I know exactly what's happened here. I have used deduction and I've solved this. And Damien, I know exactly what you have done. And I cannot believe that to stop this dog, you have laced its, what's the popular dog food here? Anyway, you've poisoned it. I know what you've done. And you're going to jail. this is a citizen's arrest.

God. Wow, yeah. And then do you think that Helen knew about it, and then she was like, will you bury the chicken? And Damien was like, no, and she was like, will you bury that dog? Yeah. Because why else would they bury the chicken

in Damien's garden? Where she's like, well, why don't you just bury it near the dog? I've never thought of it, because Damien is probably one of the most upright members of society you can find, but now it does feel like it's all unraveling. Ah, and he does have a machete. I did see a machete.

He said it's to cut wood. I mean, you just cut a lot of wood. I could safely say there's no one in Great Britain who's got more wood in the garage than Damien has. Tons of it. I would like to know Damien what you're going to do with all that wood and if it'll ever go down because it goes down like a few bits and then you reload it. So yeah, did you kill the dog? Do people know that you kill animals in the village and what do you do with all that wood? Well no, in answer to your question, we did not kill the dog. But I always remember it, it was my mother's 60th and we had a little Dewey garden. I remember Bernard coming up road and somebody stopping him, one of the neighbours stopping him at the end of our drive.

And it had died. And I sort of went up and said oh dear oh what's your dog oh it's passed oh poor thing what were it called? Lilo or something? I said oh poor Lilo's died and I mean it's awful that it's died but we were quite pleased in a way we were quite pleased and as for the wood we need wood for the fire to keep us warm in the winter that's our that's the only reason why we have wooden garages there's tons of it absolutely tons of it there's logs there's need wood for the fire to keep us warm in the winter. That's the only reason why we have wood in garage. There's tons of it, absolutely tons of it.

There's logs, we'll burn anything. In fact, in our garden, we've got your picnic bench and it's gone all off and crinkly. So we're gonna cut that up and that's going in garage to be burned in winter. Oh, I owe you an apology, Damien. I am so, so sorry for accusing you of murder. I just got carried away and I feel really bad.

It was because of the way you dismissed it so casually that I think you didn't do it. You're like, no, no, I didn't do that. Because I think if you accuse someone of murder and they go, no way, how dare you? They've definitely done it. But the way you're like, oh, no, no, no, I didn't do that. Yeah, I'm really sorry. I've got to learn when you point a finger at someone, you're pointing four fingers back at yourself. And so many apologies for that. I really feel really bad.

And to invite someone on a show and then to accuse them of killing man's best friend, it's just, I just feel so bad and I need to reflect and reset and just to listen and to amplify them more. Yeah, yeah. The stuff there, this wood, do you ever carve anything? Ever carve any gifts for the local people in the village? Are you into carvery? Do you carve? Damien is a budding artist. Conceptual sort of abstract art he does. He got, you got really into it, didn't you, one summer and you just didn't stop. And now all your corridor walls are full of them. They're sort of like misshaped faces, really. And they're all in your garage.

And you'll paint on anything, cause well, won't you? And they just kept getting better and better to the point I was like, I think he's a prodigy. Is he, and you're one of them people I think you can put your mind to anything, can't you? And you've got such a collection of spoons, haven't you? You've got lovely antique spoons. And I just found that I used to just love

going round to the house. And cause it was like a little sitcom really, one tick. So even Emma, you're ever so lovely. You go around, they make you a gin and tonic, no matter what time of day it is, and then you'll have a look at this abstract art and this spoon collection. Yeah, well just moving on from that Luce, that artwork, yes I did one of you and at one point you said can I have, can you send me a picture of all your artwork through, because I'd love one for my wall, can I have, can you send me a picture of all your artwork through? Cause I'd love one for my wall. And I sent them all through

and you never got back to me, did you? You never got back to me. And I just think, ah, she's just pulling wool over my eyes here. I thought she wants, I thought it'd be my first commission for Lucy Bow Mom. Nothing, absolutely nothing back. I spent ages, I got them all out and put them

all up at the floor, the floor was covered in them, taking little pictures of a group of six here, a group of six there, and I sent them all through to you and I got absolutely nothing back. So I want to ask you, how should I read into that? And yes, I do like spoons, I've got some old spoons, I like 17th century spoons. Just something about that silver that's been manhandled for 300 years. Gawd! Wild scenes here at Centre Court. We haven't seen anything like this for a long time.

Oh my goodness. Arrows are flying thick and fast. Oh my goodness. Love the accusations. So yeah, so she goes, oh my, I'd love to see one of your art. Oh my goodness. I cannot wait to see how Bo Morton handles this.

I used to know an old man who'd paint only on eggs was his sort of canvas. It was fantastic. Yeah, it was through my friend Stipe, a Croatian guy I used to spend a lot of time with. And we'd go over, I don't know how we knew him. We'd know this old guy and he would just paint beautiful. He'd paint you on an egg.

And they were just everywhere, all these eggs. I liked watching him blow the yolk out of the egg. He'd put two holes in it, one at the top, one at the bottom, and he'd blow out the yolk, and then he'd paint on the eggs. Anyway, Lucy, conch. And talking about eggs, there was an Easter egg competition

that I had to go around. Well, yeah. And you had to paint an egg and it was a competition and take it in. And my mother, who she was kicked out of art school, but she did go to art college and she was very good at art. She decided to stay up all night and she was very good at art. She decided to stay up all night and make an egg wiener curry and made it out of plasticine in sort of a spitting

spitting image style. This like grotesque egg wiener curry because obviously it was the 90s and at the time there's been the big hoo-ha with egg wiener curry stopping milk at school. So my mum thought it'd be really funny to make an Edwina curry. And I took it into school and everyone was shell shocked by how clever I was and how good at art I was. And I won the competition and I had to stand up and get this prize in front of everybody and pretend that I made it. Well, the only thing I can say about eggs is that I eat them.

That's the only thing I don't do, I won't paint one. I won't do anything other than boil it, scramble it or fry it. That's my remake. A poach. A poach, yeah, poach. Yeah, we've got a little container and it's a two segment container

and it's absolutely wonderful. And what you do is you put a little bit of water in the bottom of each side and then you break your egg in and you put the top on and you just pop it in your microwave for 50 seconds And they come out Beautifully poached two beautifully poached eggs and I just want to go can I mention something else Lucy? You know, you know what we were on about, you know, you give us stuff The only thing you haven't given me back

Can you remember that time when we were in London on Westminster Bridge and you were dancing with Emma and you were dancing so much and laughing so much that you wet your pants and the only thing I had on me was a hanky-tee. Gosh! Oh my goodness. This is amazing by the way. Oh so if you're ever accused of something a great idea is to deflect and Lucy did that beautifully. So basically she's commissioned some artworks. Damien's got out of his trouble to lay them all out to photograph them.

No response. Finally, these accusations see the light of day. Beaumont panics like nothing else. Starts going on about eggs, egg weaned the curry. It's an incredible, incredible move. I think Damien's fallen for this completely. He goes, oh, I've got some egg memories. Here's how to get the perfect egg.

And then suddenly the bridge incident comes to the light of day. What happened on the bridge? Lucy is dancing so much with some people that she has weather pants. I cannot wait for this one. This is prime time stuff. Put this on ITV, end BBC,

boom what have you got to say? Most people couldn't tell you what the favorite omelette was but I can, I know exactly. It was a place called the Happy Omelette in Hull and it was before its time they only sold omelettes and people would say, come in and say, do you do other stuff? And the man would get so angry with anybody like, it's called the happy omelette. I only do omelettes.

And these omelettes, they weren't just any, he made them a five egg omelette. Everyone had to have a five egg omelette. And if you say, I don't, I just want a smaller omelette. He'd say, no, this is the happy omelette everyone had to have a five egg omelette and if you say I don't I just want a smaller omelette he'd say no this is the happy omelette and it would be the size of a plate and he'd flip it over and they were I mean it's made me want one now actually and they always add cheese in and he used to do this one he was just fetching it it was like sweet corn peppers onions but it was absolutely gorgeous and that is my still my omelette, it's not there anymore.

Gorge! Do you know, Lucy, it's funny you say that, do you know why? Because out of all the things I've ever cooked Emma, the only thing she's ever said, just let everybody know I do all the cooking in the house, Emma doesn't do anything, the only time Emma's ever cooked for me was when I had a, I was digging back garden out and I'd escape and I just said, look love, can you just put some tea on, just anything. So she did bacon and egg and sausage and she'd come out after an hour and said, your tea's ready. And I walked in and I didn't want to be, you know, I didn't want to sort of say that looks awful or anything, but the whole plate was just covered in baked beans. And then she said,

when you cook me a meal, just put beans to the side because it makes everything really soggy. And she just said to me, she just said, she nearly cried, she was really upset. She said, well, everything was burnt, everything. And I had to cover it with something. And the only thing I had that had liquid in it was the beans. So many grievances this episode. There's just things that I feel like are escaping through the net. I mean, I hate to harp on, but what did happen on the bridge? Can we not go back to the bridge? All this omelette stuff. Come on, let's go back to the bridge. Things happen, things occur. And also what do you guys think happens after we die? Do you reckon we meet our maker in any sort of way?

Or do you think it's just over? I mean, I flip between, I'm not sure. And what would you want to happen after you pass away? It just seems strange. Like are you, you, like, what are you? What are we? What's going on? Yeah, what happens after we pass?

What do you think? God. So we was having a day out in London and there was a busker and he was playing music and there was some lovely tourists. They were student, I think they were all sort of student age and me and Emma just got caught up in the moment and we started dancing with them and hugging and it was like, it's just so joyful and we're all enjoying ourselves and then uh me and Emma both realized how ridiculous we looked and I started laughing and I weaned myself and I didn't have any it wasn't like you know a lot just a little bit and so Damien gave me his hanky

to put in my knickers just to sort of like you know mop mop it up a bit until I found a public toilet. And I think Damien's gonna go on to say he never got his handkerchief back, which as I introduced him as quite thrifty, you would imagine I would say a lot of people would say, don't worry love, you've pissed on it, I'm gonna let that go. But I love the fact that Damien wants that back. God!

That's very true, Lucy. Yeah, I would expect you to, I mean, you'd have washed it, wouldn't you? You can reuse a handkerchief once it's been washed. But no, don't worry, that's forgotten now. You can have the handkerchief. Just changing the subject back to Sam's question, I don't know what the hell happens when you die. All I know is you stop breathing and

that's it. I don't think there is anything. I'd like to believe that there is. I'd like to believe that when I die, the minute I die, there'll be this lovely big lounge, a bit like an old people's home, with my granddad sat there and me, you know, my auntie and my other granddad and everything's lovely and we have a good old catch up and a chat but I just think once the lights go out, that's it. That's only my view. Gaaarrrch! I really liked that. Well, I think, I mean, I reckon we're about to call it, you are such a fantastic guest, Damien. You're just amazing.

Can we, and this is serious, can we, do we have permission to use one of your artworks as the episode artwork for this episode of our podcast? We need to, I feel, my co-host, what she has done to you is downright criminal, and we would love, with your permission, to use one of the artworks as our official podcast episode artwork, if that's okay with you, if we can get your permission.

You're incredible. It's absolutely fine. Damien, it's not your turn, but sorry. Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. Above. Well, Jay. I've only just got an Apple phone, haven't I? Been on bloody Nokia for it.

I've got on my main screen. Right, I'm going over that. On your main screen though. I just minimised that. I've got this Google Chrome icon on my blue screen. Right, so we've now got an icon on blue screen. Yeah. Google Chrome. Yeah, icon on blue screen. Yeah. Google Chrome. Do we log in then? Yeah, click on that one. If you double click on that, it should load it up.

The operation can't be completed because the item Google Chrome is in use. Oh, so you've got Google Chrome then. Right. And it's a round circle and it's got green, red and yellow and then a blue dot in the middle. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers internet. Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you, Rogers. Yeah. Yeah, that's a lot. Yeah. We got you Rogers Yeah

Yeah, right we're gonna do that Lucy Nearly Let me get me chair that were like magic, yeah. Hello Damien. Hello, Damien. Hello there. Sam, isn't it? Sam. Yeah, yeah. Hello, Sam. Sugar's MEC. Hello, this is Nish Kumar and I am thrilled to tell you that I'm back on tour doing the thing that I'm second best at. I'm not telling you what I'm best at. That's my personal business

with my new show, Nish Don't Kill My Vibe. Yes, that is a Kendrick Lamar reference. I'm so cool. If you enjoy classic humor about subjects such as the climate crisis and income inequality, why not come down? Tickets are available right now at nishkamar.co.uk. We are travelling the length and breadth of the United Kingdom and doing a show in Dublin from September till November. And it's going to be a huge amount of fun. Get your tickets at nishkamar.co.uk.