Lucy & Sam's Perfect Brains - Ep 2: Holidays

Episode Date: April 5, 2024

Lucy and Sam speak to two former holiday companions to talk about the various types of medicine needed while abroad. Recorded by Aniya Das and Ben Williams, and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive. Artwork by Sam Campbell. Theme music by Paul Williams and Sam Campbell. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If you are interested in seeing a live show, you really need to go to our respective and respectable websites. To buy tickets to see one of my performances, I might be coming to somewhere near you. I'm doing a bunch of different dates. It's samcampbeltour.com. I have a new tour starting in September, and for information about tickets, you can go to my website.

It's Lucy Beaubon. you can go to my website. It's Lucy Beaumont. I can't remember the website. It's.co.uk. But if you just Google Lucy Beaumont website, it'll come up with it. Okay, thank you. Bye. You got to know your website. This is the first radio ad you can smell.

The new Cinnabon pull-apart only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. I got nothing but love for the boys from above. I'm talking God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit. The word is good. Are you ready to hear it? God always finds you if you're feeling lost. Jesus died for you. He was on a cross. The Holy Spirit is the name of the game.

It's Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brains. One, two, three, four, five, six. Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. How have you been, everybody? I hope you have not been too stressed. Well, don't be stressed. Don't have any turmoil at all because today it is the holiday episode. Yeah.

Who doesn't? Like plenty of people don't like holidays, you know. I think it's if you have to combine the holiday with a mission. You know what I mean? If someone's like, I'm doing this and that's, I've got to do this. So, you know, you can't enjoy some of the great views because, you know, you've got to, yeah, whatever, carry out an assassination or, you know, whatever it is.

Of course, yeah. Just delivering bad news, isn't it? Yeah. Or a holiday from hell, you know, food poisoning from a prawn. That's hard. Yeah. Can we blame the prawns? When you look at a prawn, are you thinking like,

oh yeah, this will go well. No wonder they give us food poisoning. They look creepy. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. Yeah, they do. And things that look creepy do actually give you food poisoning.

Apart from rice and mash, they can give you food poisoning as well. Oh, really? Yeah. You're not meant to store them in the fridge for more than a couple of days. Two days and rice could, anyway. So, yeah, don't eat any animal that has big eyes that don't have any, you know, they don't

have like the white bit of the eye. They don't have the moche. They've just, it's all pupil on a prawn. Oh, gosh. Yeah, it is. Yeah. They're never thought of. But on the whole, holidays are great and everyone loves them.

And it's nice to talk about holidays because it puts everyone in that holiday feeling, doesn't it? You know, it's like sangrias by the pool and not a care in the world. Or we're just getting away from the rat race and into, you know, just a sort of more relaxed way of life. Paradise. And on this episode, we are talking to two holidaymakers, two travelling companions, so people that we've been on holidays with.

Yeah, yeah. One of them is a big star. He is a difficult man. He is known for his incredible poetry. Yeah, that sums him up. Maybe people wouldn't know he's difficult apart from you, but so that's interesting, isn't it? I've been on three holidays with this man and I couldn't claim to know him. Actually, I've been on three holidays with this woman and I

couldn't claim to know her. She still surprises me. Every conversation I have, she'll say something that shocks me to my core. And I'm 40 years old and she's been doing that since I was a small child. Oh, so it's a woman you've known since you were a child. That's a nice clue. Yeah. I mean, I've known her longer, but I only remember her from since I was a small child. I've known her from the womb. Who could it be?

Well, I'm hoping you get your ears as large as you can. We're coming inside them with our holiday episode. Okay, this guy is probably the number one holiday maker that I've ever encountered. He is known for his incredibly sparkling wit. This guy, his wit is pure San Pellegrino. It's Tim Key. Hello, Lucy.

Hi, Tim. How are you? Oh, I'm good. I just loved that introduction. I thought that was good. It was good, wasn't it? It was a bit shaky at the start, but he certainly got into his stride after a while, didn't he?

Would you say I'm your protege? Lucy, can I just tell you something that happened with me and Sam? Yeah. Right, so he and I were travelling in, have you ever been to New York? I have, yeah. Yeah, fantastic place. They call it the Big Apple. We were taking a bite out of the Big Apple.

Anyway, Sam let the side down and got tonsillitis. Oh, he told me about this. So I then had to go to a pharmacy and cancel all of my wonderful plans of tourism to take this Australian to a pharmacist, and he couldn't even talk. He just is using what I can only describe as weird sign language. And then we get into the pharmacist,

and still he can't talk. He's white as a sheet. I was saying it like this. I was like, take me, help me with this. Yeah, exactly. My eyes are painful. His tonsils are shot to pieces and then we talk to a very nice lady

about his terrible tonsils and then the one time he speaks in the whole expedition is when he says to her, my father's worried about me and points to me and she says, of course he is well it's not funny well it is funny it's a funny anecdote but why would you if you literally can't talk the one time you talk is to say that that i'm his father and then i'm like doing the maths

and thinking i can't be his father i can just about be his father and she did a beautiful speech about the importance of fatherhood and how, of course, he cares for you. It was really touching. Well, it's, I mean, related to his childhood, probably, trauma in his childhood. Well, hang on, related to who's got childhood trauma? Sam. Yeah, do you, Sam?

Well, both of them. Well, both of them and hers. Well, hang on. You think that she had childhood trauma? She was one of the most together people i've met in my life this pharmacist no just when they put that coat on and they're surrounded by drugs legal you know they then get a lot of power so they're able to hide hide that but of course why would you wouldn't be a pharmacist would you if you hadn't had childhood trauma

this is true all all pharmacists have childhood trauma and you try and deny that. They're surrounded by drugs. I'm trying. I simply can't. Wherever you see a pharmacist, you look a little to the left or a little to the right, what are you seeing? Legal drugs. But not just legal drugs.

Shower caps. Shower caps. A till. I mean, should we go round until someone can't mention another thing oh okay this is something that would be for sale at a pharmacy yeah and can i start just because i've got a good one i think safety pins oh yes safety pins i'm gonna go with um we're talking a uk pharmacist sam yes okay i mean a brush that you'd use in the shower or bath and one side of it is bristles and the other are like sort of wooden lumps to use on your back brilliant because they

are in every yeah i hadn't thought of that one that's very good in fairness have you got one lucy be ashamed for you to go out on the first round well i'd like to move away from toiletries. Yeah, fair play. They sell because I've had to buy them. And there's no way you can ask for it without just asking for it because I've tried to do, like, the movement of it instead. Sometimes you just can't do the movement of something,

you've just got to ask. It's like an apple. Worming tablets. Wormingirming tablets oh i knew it i've tried to like the in uh without i don't want to be crude but then you know the anal uh ring hole i've tried to make that with one hand and do the little wiggly worm with the other hand because i didn't want to say we've all got worms in the house can we have tablets so so sorry how many worms are in there by the way is it like hundreds or is it just five oh my god so many if you shine a light onto the area then the light makes them come out they're like little white threads and you can see their head and they come out to the light they appear out when i got got got it i found it the most freakiest thing because you can feel

they come out on the on the evening to lay their eggs around the anus ring and so you can feel them wriggling and i read in the middle of the night that garlic you could get rid of them with garlic so i i put three cloves of garlic up in the night and is that to attract the queen the queen worm just the smell is meant to kill them but i didn't once think you just ate the garlic oh you were supposed to eat the garlic and you had laid it out as a trap are you you telling me you put, I'm so sorry, I've just been horrible phrasing, a bit of a stunned silence for a bit, but are you telling me, Lucy, because you're like a big, you know, you're a big noise, big TV star, you put a clove of garlic up your anal ring hole?

No, three. Three, my bad, sorry. Three. three three my bad sorry but i did i did heal and then we had um sort of a lunch with a benefactor oh what what's this do you know much about benefactors and and things of that nature no i don't know what that is well because she doesn't have a benefactor sam because she's not an edwardian lady Sam's this kind of weird, basically, if you ever get the chance to go to New York with the Australian guy who you do your podcast with, I would say, words of the wise,

run a fucking mile because it's like traipsing around with Oliver Twist. So a benefactor is a very wealthy older woman who has tons of money and you sort of become, yeah, she benefacts you. She benef of money and you sort of, you become, yeah, she benefacts you. She benefacts you to the tune of, well, I don't know exactly what Sam was trying to get out of it. You get to stay at her stately manor. She has, I think, a variety of pets.

Does she introduce you to other people from society? To high society, absolutely, to polite society. So we went and had this lunch with this benefactor tim tagged so i mentioned i'm like yes i've encountered through online the online world there is a potential benefactor and he sniffs this out he goes i'm coming to that i go really he goes oh yes i'd love a benefactor and you should have seen him at this lunch oh i love your shoulders and all this carrying on that doesn't sound like the timkey i've met though sam he started competing he started competing for my benefactor no no no no no no no he goes oh i love your phone case i've never seen one like that no no no no no this lucy what

he's doing is he's projecting he's like donald trump this guy he's he's he's saying he's describing himself and projecting it onto me this sniveling little rat couldn't get he couldn't get his table pulled his chair pulled in quick enough at that table he's pouring her water from this vast carafe yes he's he's honestly i couldn't get a word in edgeways it was like having dinner with john and norma major but did you want to get a word in edge what how was your feelings with this benefactor he absolutely did he was presenting her with bouquets of um flowers he goes yes uh my beautiful benefactor my neck i think i might have found the subject for my next poem. You are so enchanting.

At one point he stops, he clinks his glass with a teaspoon, and he goes, now then, some words about your complexion. What? Yes, yes. No, you don't, no. He starts saying, how smooth, he starts saying, I've got no idea how old you are, but you look like a 25-year-old.

That's what he said. Exact words. Words to that effect. Words to that effect. Words to that effect. Come on. What is this kid doing? He can earn money, you know,

and yet he goes to his weird directory of ladies, you know, to find some lady dripping with dollars so he can sponge off. It was a pretty horrible thing to see, I have to say, Lucy. I've probably had, over the course of my life, maybe, God, they add up, don't they? Maybe I've had 7,000 lunches.

I'd say this is hands down the worst. Wait, oh my God. At least I didn't let her hand feed me a meringue. So she gives you money then, Sap. Do you have to, I mean, I don't want to pry too much, but what's the arrangement? I think pry away. This is sort of just setting the scene.

So this lunch was just an introductory sort of thing, and if I go back to New York City, then I guess we'll see what happens with this benefactor. Lucy, do you want me to tell you what happened at the end of the lunch? No, but yeah. Two things. Obviously, first, he allows this wonderful lady to pay for all of the food and drink. And then he uses the classic phrase, which I've not heard in a while,

where he cozies up to her and says, shall we promenade? I didn't say that. Could you imagine me saying that? I don't know what a, is a promenade a balcony? I don't even – I don't know what you're talking about. Or maybe it was, shall we take the air? It was one of the two. I wouldn't know.

I think you said, a stroll is in the evening, my sweet little velvet boy. Then he goes off for this – he goes off for this – He said, may I kiss your velvet hand, Duchess? Or may I, Duchess? Then this little boy, it's like the worst ever remake of Home Alone 2 you'll ever see. This snivelling little wretch marching along behind this rich lady in the centre of New York.

Have you ever heard that phrase, there's no such thing as a free lunch? Oh, I have, yeah, yeah. I think that fits like an absolute glove with this anecdote. Well, this is why they've been around so long, these sayings. I know, they're fantastic, aren't they? And you can just whip them out when they seem appropriate. Yeah.

And I think this is a really good use of there's no such thing as a free lunch. You're suffering from paranoid delusions. Sure, she's a widow. Sure, two of her husbands have gone mysteriously missing. I don't care. I trust my benefactor. I mean, how old are we talking as well? Late 30s.

I'm serious. Are you joking? I thought she was in her 90s. She's in her 90s, right? The way that this panicked little Antipodean scurries around her, you'd think she was in her 90s. But no, she panicked little um antipodean scurries around her you'd think she was in her 90s but no she's actually a sort of glamorous society lady in her late 30s i'd say this doesn't sound like a wealthy benefactor this sounds like an attractive normal aged woman

basically you've gone on a date and you've took tim with you yeah yeah yeah i think that's what's happened we did actually go to an indian restaurant this is a good anecdote this is a this is funny we did a we did a show um at this at this place called the bell house and we invited i invited a guy this waiter waiter at the Indian restaurant, he was so nice. I was like, this guy's great. So I invited him to the show. It was on the 30th of December.

I said, oh, you should come to our show. It's on the 30th. He goes, the 38th? Did you say, yeah? I said, no, no, no, no, the 30th. He goes, 38th? Sam is so bad at any social interaction that instead of just, like, breezing over that, he says to the guy, what are you talking about?

There isn't such a thing as the 38th of December, mate. The reason is, no. No, there's not. You know that, Lucy. What does it go? I just can't remember now what it goes up to. What does it go? It runs out of steam before 35.

Let's put it that way. What does it go up to? Sorry. Are you joking? No, I just. What do you think it goes up to, Lucy? Some of them do change. Admit this, Tim.

Admit that some of them change. Admit that some of them muck around and change between 30 and 31. No, but Lucy knows what it goes up to. What do you reckon? I'll tell you what, though. it is so hazy around that point no i know no one's in a good routine do you know what happens people stop connecting days to dates it throws you it really throws you i mean i don't that's not the new year to me anyway i don't celebrate that i'd pretend it as i don't sell you know then what what day does christmas what um new year eat i've forgotten huh what is it can you remind me i'll tell you what i'm getting the 30th because it's the 25th is christmas day

i've in my head i thought it was the 35th was christmas. I'll tell you what, you'd suit very well working in this Indian restaurant in Brooklyn. But what I mean is, when is New Year's Eve? The 31st, isn't it? Yes, yes, absolutely. And then everyone says that it's the start of a new year. Yeah, fair play to them. It sort of is.

No, not for me. No. When do you think the year sort of, are we up and running yet, do you think? The new year – are we up and running yet, do you think? The new year is the 1st of September. So that's the sort of, you know, the sort of academic new year theory. No, no, but I think it's – No, not even. Yeah, but I think the academic new year is that because that is the new year.

What was the sort of following for this theory? Who's on board at the on board that's when the seasons change yeah that that is that that i that i do agree with the season does change around about then everything renews itself then no i'd say that there's an argument for i think more stuff is sort of renewed in sort of you know april no we shed more skin then as well yes mate we we renew ourselves in in september she's got you there oh no i think she hasn't got me there hook line end well she's she's just said that we're snakes and do you do you always feel creative i always feel like i can tap into something then not in january when september yeah i can tap into that's when you

that's when actually all your ideas begin and i think the pagans thought that that was that's the new year as well it's like time zones i don't i don't believe in time zones i stay on the same time zone if i go away so where what's the longest period where you've gone somewhere, not got on board with their time zone and made a bit of a fool of yourself? Florida. Right. And so when you arrived in Florida, what was your daily pattern and how well did it fit in with the Floridians? I went to bed at six o'clock in the evening. And then I suppose that also means, if we're being brutally honest were you waking up at sort of 2 3 a.m no i went to bed at 6 and i woke up at 4 a.m that's pretty good i reckon yeah what

are you talking that's probably what mark warburg does no you're just sticking up for your podcast friend no no i thought about that academically i'll tell you what i'll tell you what sam if someone says uh what i would do is go to bed at 6 p.m. and wake up at 4, I think the last thing we need is someone piping up with, yep, pretty good. But I didn't have jet lag. Lucy, I'm going to ask the million-dollar question now. Are you ready?

Did you enjoy your holiday in Florida? No, because I had to go to bed before my family went out for dinner. And then I woke up at four, but, like, I didn't want to wake anyone else up. So I just, like, went on my phone for hours. We're almost ready for another Pretty Good, I think, Sam. Be careful, though, spending time with this guy, because especially with these poems, we've been on three holidays together. We've been to New York.

We've been to Belfast. We've been to Sweden. And, you know, during the day, hanging out, all this stuff, at night you go on his Instagram and he's written all these poems about you. I'm serious. We had a great day in Sweden and then suddenly at night I'm reading this poem. He calls me the termite. He goes, yes, the termite's behaving like a bloody plum.

Yeah, I think that's true actually. I hold my hands up, mea culpa. But I think that's nice, didn't you? I like having a poem written about you, Sam. These poems were written with a poison pen, that's all I'm saying, seriously. Why can't we have a nicer name instead of the termite? But that's Australian, isn't it? I think there was one earlier, wasn't there?

The sponge. I like the sponge for you. No, no. What about the angel or paradise boy? Paradise boy. What about anal ring hole? Come on. Lucy, can I ask a question?

Are you the brains behind the operation? Oh, God, no. No. I would hate for you to think that. I've spent three holidays ruling Sam out of my inquiries, so I was assuming you must be the brains. I've got to go. All right, thank you so much, Tim.

We got so much there. That was fantastic. We got so much there. People say stuff like that. So what are you then? You're Sam, aren't you? Yeah. And you was on that programme with our Lucy.

Yeah, yeah, we shared the stage. Did you watch it? Yeah, I didn't watch it. No. Why? Why don't you check it out? It's a hit show. Listen, I'll give it a go.

I didn't watch the first episode. I watched the first 20 minutes. It was annoying. Sorry, I'm allowed to say shit. It was annoying the shit out of me. Because she couldn't even get out the door. No mother needs to watch that. No mother needs to see that.

I was blindfolded, Mum, when I was on my hands and knees. I didn't know what was going on. It's like I can walk out of a door. Yeah, I know, but I know you don't, Ian. It's like you're not good at anything. I'm not being rude. She's not good at anything. Half of it's like I can walk out of a door yeah I know but I know you don't I and I it's like you're not good at anything I'm not being rude she's not good at anything half of it's my fault I didn't even let her walk on walls on the way to school she held my hand I walked on them so mum this episode is called holidays so we're talking about um our holidays that we've had with people

so me and Sam have been talking to Tim Key one of of Sam's friends. Do you know who Tim Key is? No. No. He's a nobody. He's a no-hoper. So I just wondered if you wanted to share your memories of a holiday we've had together. Oh God, do I have to?

Yeah. How many have we brought? We've been to New York and we've been to Spain, haven't we? Oh no, we've been to Portugal. We've had a few, haven't we? Have we been to New York? Yeah, we went to to Spain, haven't we? Oh, no, we've been to Portugal. We've had a few, haven't we? Have we been to New York? Yeah, we went to New York, yeah.

Do you remember that first one we went on? Are you sure we've been to New York? Yeah, yes, we went to New York. Anyway, which one? Oh, Spain. Yeah. Do you want to talk us through that? Oh, God.

Well, you see, the thing is, I've realised now that when I used to keep you off school and we used to go on these spontaneous holidays, I just really – I was having breakdowns around that time. And I've learned the error of no ways. Do we have to talk about that? If you're happy – because I'm a very – when I interview, I really grill people. So if you're happy to go under the microscope. You grilled me.

I can take it. I'm going to throw you on the grill, unfortunately, Jill. I really am. I'm like a piece of lamb. you on the grill. Unfortunately, Jill, I really am. I'm like a piece of lamb. Jill on the grill. Now, here's the first question, Jill. Do you become a different person on holiday? I think you go on holiday thinking you're escaping your problems.

And then when you get there, you realize, actually, you're always in trouble wherever you are. So we went to Spain, me and my mum. It was our first abroad holiday. I was 16 and it was a big moment because my mum was taking me away on our own. Big moment because I could afford it. We hadn't been able to afford it, have we?

So it really meant a lot to us, this holiday. And we stayed in the hotel near the airport, airport didn't we because we had a really i won't go that far it wasn't an hotel what was it it was like it was like a uh it was like what they call but like a porter cabin was it i wouldn't behave i wouldn't behave the way i did if it had been an hotel you'll know that so we knew we had an early flight and i woke up in the middle of the night and you'd gone. Where had you gone, Mum? I'm laughing because I know where I'd gone.

I'd gone, what did you mean? Well, I was like, what, how do you mean? Gone as in out my head? Had you gone physically or mentally? The thing is, I'd been skinned. I'm not trying to justify it. Well, I am. I'd been skinned for a long time and then suddenly I came into some money. I'd worked hard for that money. Don't get me wrong. It won to justify it. Well, I am. I'd been skinned for a long time. And then suddenly I came into some money.

I'd worked hard for that money. Don't get me wrong. I haven't, it won't dodge it. And I went mad and I overbought everything, including maybe my medicine, you know. When she says medicine, Sam. Don't grasp me up. It was my medicine.

When you say don't grasp me up, you know what she means. I'm sort of putting two to two. You're smoking the peace pop. Listen, I'm autistic. You know, it should have been. I should have had it on prescription anyway. That's not my fault.

So I just did what I could to survive. Anyway, the fact is, Sam, right, I had a decent stash. And I somehow got it into my head. You see, you're not making rational decisions when you're a bit high, let's be honest. Yeah. But how did you get this stuff? How did you get this stash to

Spain? I didn't get it to Spain. What are you on about? Listen. Oh, sorry. I don't want them banging on my door. Well, it's just asking a question. It sounds like well, can you explain then? It sounds like I shoved it over my ass and got on the plane and, like, the goodies started dealing when I got there. I said no such thing.

I would never say something like that. This was innocent. I was innocent, but it was a little bit high, shall we say. So, you know, I'd got the munchies. I'd bought all these goodies. And there was a big box of, you know i'd got the munchies i bought all these goodies and there was a big box of you know them celebrations sam's australian you need to check does he know what good you know oh yeah a couple of sweeties candy and i bought this uh i bought like a big thing of celebrations was going on all day i ate them all and then and then i looking and I thought, do you know what? I'll get rid of my medicine by turning it into little sweets.

So I woke up at this point. So I woke up once to see my mum was no longer in the hotel room. And I didn't know if she'd been kidnapped, abducted. Because why would you leave a hotel room when you've got like a five o'clock flight in the morning I didn't know where she was I fell back to sleep I woke up again she was eating lots of chocolate and then I woke up again and she was putting her medicine into wrappers and at this point I was like what's going on what's going on? What's going on? Something's going on. Yeah, but Sam, you've got to understand I went to art college.

They did look like sweets. I decided against it anyway. So I woke up again and my mum had made, had fashioned a pipe, shall we call it. She'd fashioned a funnel as long as her arm and was smoking that out of the window of the hotel room see i can't i can't remember whether i'll lose the child at me and said what what you know what i mean i don't i can't remember the i i like to think i came to my senses by my own accord but

that might not be true anyway so i decided right well, right, well, I can't waste it. So I'll get rid of it a different way. So she says I fashioned the pipe. I have no fucking clue. Sorry if I'm not allowed to swear. You can say all of the craziest words. I had no fucking clue, Sam, what was going on at that point. I shouldn't have even been getting on it.

You sound quite angry, Mum. Can you just sound less angry? This is a happy memory of a holiday we had. It's a holiday. It's traumatic. You can carry on telling the story, but you sound quite... Sorry. I just want to say to the listener...

Sorry. It might be quite triggering because you sound very angry. You don't need to be angry. Okay. It's all in the past. That's all I can remember about it. But having said that, Sam, we went on holiday. We had a lovely time, didn't we, Lucy?

Yeah. So when I had to then wake you up to get the five o'clock flight, you couldn't move. Yeah, but I was well behaved on the plane. I was asleep. So you fly to Spain.

We get rid of the stash. Where do you get the stash? That's history. Oh, so no more questions about the stash. Where do you get the stash? That's history. Oh, so no more questions about the stash. Hey, listen, you never ask somebody where they get the stash. Oh, yeah, sorry. That's no-no, Sam. Sorry, sorry, yeah.

So don't worry about it. It's all, yeah, the stash is there. Why are we worried about the stash? Enough questions. There is no stash. The stash is gone. There's no fucking stash, okay, mate? Then you fly to Spain.

Yeah. We're in Spain in this hotel. Beautiful. Let's just put it this way. It wasn't normal. There was nothing normal about the hotel. There was nothing normal about the holiday. Lucy didn't poo for four days.

I said to her, I've got a feeling by three o'clock you will. I went on the roof. I was really constipated. I got on the will. I went on the roof. Yeah, I was really constipated. I got on the roof. I went on the roof for some reason. The door shut. I got stuck up there. But at three o'clock, on the door, she pulled.

Didn't you? Yeah, I don't have it anymore. But when I was younger, I used to have a problem. I didn't want to go to toilet on holiday. Yeah, but I did. Bizarrely, I did go to toilet at the time you said I would but why was you on the route because obviously I lost you again obviously I'd lost you a few times before we got to Spain and then I lost you again why yeah but why and we

never really it's good to have this chat I don't know why you was on the roof of the hotel. Well, I think I can answer that probably because you can obviously have this gift. You could tell that at three o'clock this thing's going to happen. So I think if you have a gift like that, you do need to get up high. You do need to go on the roof. You need to be close to sort of celestial up there. You need to get up high. So I sort of understand that.

Oh, wow. No, Sam, I just went past the door and it was open and i thought i'd have a look that's it there's no no the you know i don't even like heights you shouldn't have left it open to be honest it's their fault it's one of them doors that when it shuts you've had it oh really so you could yeah you can't open it again so you got trapped on the roof yeah she was trapped all day on the roof. But at three o'clock, bang on three o'clock, she... Yeah, but don't use my bowel habits. As I say, I don't have any psychological problems with that anymore. But don't use that to distract from what...

So you saw a door, it led to the roof and you were on it all day. You were on the roof all day. I can't even remember how we got you down, how we found out that you were on the roof i mentally rang you up hold on this how did how please explain the mental phone call just for just for the listener and for me and for everyone well lucy knows this and it started when she was in the womb she rang me a taxi it was snowing i shouldn't have been out at that time of night. I was heavily pregnant. I was in a doorway on Annalibra Road. And I heard a little voice in me, in my head, saying, don't worry, mummy, taxi's coming.

I didn't know she was female at that point. But a taxi came. Can you just do mental phone calls or can you also send mental texts? Hilarious. Or can you also send mental texts? You're a hairy fuck. So what was the average age in that hotel, would you say? Because we went out of season, Sam, as well, so there was nothing else open, just this one hotel, nothing. Well, what was good about that hotel is no matter how shit you look or what age you was you looked a hell of a lot better than everybody else in that hotel they look like they've

been sent there to die i aren't being mean but they had a good time didn't they that it actually had the opposite effect i think it was the karaoke on the night and uh do you remember that family in the swimming pool we went in the swimming pool i'm not kidding you it was that hot you could have boiled an egg it was that hot it was illegal i got into my head that was trying to kill everybody it was like we realized these two old women they were like miss maple where the love say do you remember we thought they were murdering everyone and we were convinced that there was, like, something going down. And it was his family. They were, like, tomato colour. They were so red in the pool.

Yeah. They'd gone so red. And they looked like they were about to burst. Every time we came down for breakfast, there was an old couple missing. Yeah. And we thought that they were dying, but I don't think we ever thought,

well, they've just gone home. I think we thought everyone started the holiday the same day as us. So when we saw people leave, we thought they're dead because they were old. But actually people start holidays at different times. So people come. I think that's what it must be like when you're in an old people's home. I mean, it's not. I mean, we were young.

We shouldn't have been around that many old people because she bound. Naturally, it's only human to start thinking about death. And then you met a waiter, didn't you? I didn't know what, we went for a meal and then you left again. Oh, I had a little fling, didn't I? I don't know. I've never talked to you about this. My ears are shaking. I want to hear this so badly. to talk to you about this my ears are shaking i want to hear this so badly i mean i needed a bit of young around me because uh to make up for all the old that was there every day and so i sort of swore the young waiter you know what can i get you an entree what's going on here so how did this

how did this all oh he's from bradford he won't now well listen it came in handy shall we say i wasn't interested in him as much as I was interested in, like, you know, where the action was, shall we say. Yes, not so much the mind as the body, as the flesh. No, no, Sam. I just wanted him to go and get some medicine. Oh, my God. So you were having a fling.

It wasn't a fling. There was nothing romantic. He was just... No, I was using him for his information. So there wasn't even... There wasn't a fling. There was nothing romantic. He was just... No, I was using him for his information. So there wasn't even... There wasn't a single stolen kiss? Oh, he tried it on, so much shocking, yeah. Listen, I'm not going to admit everything.

You've already grasped me up. I'm not going to start giving you all the details of my... Listen, I was a woman of a certain age. I still had it going on. He was, like, handy to know. And I'm sure we had fun. I can't remember. So it can't have been that earth-shaking, can it?

Were there any other big dramatic moments, any other big scoops on the Spanish holiday? Oh, I bought myself a cat suit. A what? I'm sorry? A, I bought myself a catsuit. A what? I'm sorry? A catsuit. You need to explain. Do you know what a catsuit is?

A jumpsuit, you know. Is that a leopard print number, like a onesie sort of thing? No, it's like a... It's quite tight. Look it up after. Yeah, I'm going to look it up now. Emma Peel catsuit. Oh, my God.

You didn't buy one of these. This is outrageous. I thought I was hot. This is one of the most promiscuous things I've ever seen. I'm outraged. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

So now you can see why I thought I had it all going down. I had it all going on because I bloody did. You see, in my head I've got long legs. I know I have. I do think I've got long legs I know I have I do think I've got long legs and they're disappointed every day like you you think you've got long legs and then you look down and they're not yeah well what it is is you think you've got long legs so you buy things that really you can only get away with if you've got long legs now I I did once wear a PVC capsule and have my photo taken for the whole day and they mailed for a column

and I thought I looked amazing and everybody did and then about two or three years later I get these pictures through the post of the real pictures and I ring this letter and I say what are these, what have you sent me these for these look now like, because I thought

you know I'd like a copy because I looked hot these look nothing like the picture that went in the paper. Do you know what she said to me? What did she say? The airbrush, it elongated my legs and airbrushed it and fiddled with it. I thought I looked like that. I wanted to be on the side of buses. Like, fuck, I wasn't.

You came with me to get that capsule. Do you remember? No, I didn't didn't no I didn't come with you I was in town with my friends enjoying being a teenager and I got a text on my phone saying I'm in a sex dungeon trying on a pvc catsuit and I can't do it up can you come and help me and I left my friends and came and zipped your catsuit up for you in a sex shop in the basement was that because of me back no they're just you I don't I don't know you you've we haven't got long arms either I think you thought you had longer arms and you could do the catsuit up yourself I do have one final holiday question go for it so you know on on holidays sometimes people don't like all the tourists they go oh all these people the tourists do you think they

should build a whole new country that's just for holidays well you're not going to get rid of tourists are you but i don't know i don't know what you've confused me with a question i'm sorry so this is where we're talking about building a whole new country just in the middle of the sea and it's just for holidays so it's like a holiday country and it's got the best beaches the best mountains it's got everything and there's no local people everyone there is a tourist it's like a new a new holiday country yeah but you'd have to have local people because who's going to work in the shops and the restaurants and the bars? Fuck, that's such a good question.

You want to talk that through? Maybe robots? Maybe cyborgs, Jill? You need to think about your questions before you ask them because they don't make sense, Sam. Sorry. But, you know, I've enjoyed meeting you, Sam. Yeah, it has been so fun. This has been just amazing.

Thanks, Mum. Thanks, it has been so fun. This has been just amazing. Thanks, Mum. Thanks. See you soon. Sam, do you need therapy? Do you need to talk to someone? I mean, we've all gone through a lot with those stories. Yeah, I think Tim and Jill are just, yeah, too. I'd like to try and go on holidays with other people.

I think Tim and Jill should never meet. I think they're so opposite. We should send them on a holiday together. That would be so interesting. Would be. I don't think they'd get each other, you know, from very different walks of life. I don't know.

I mean, they could both wear their cat suits. Who knows what will happen? That's true. They both write poetry. My mum writes poetry. Does she? I found a very sexual poem when I was a child that my mum had written. It was mortified by it.

It burned my eyes. Oh, my God. I think the best poems do. But I've enjoyed that. I think, you know, maybe we've learned a lot about each other and about our holiday companions. Yeah, we are the people that we interact with. So I think that was a've learned a lot about each other and about our holiday companions. Yeah, we are the people that we interact with. So I think that was a great way of learning about each other

through your parent and one of my parental figures. Yes. My mentor. Do you want to tell us about a holiday that you've been on or any kind of trip? Yeah. Shoot us an email at lucyandsamsperfectbrains at gmail.com. This is an official email address.

Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above.