Lucy & Sam's Perfect Brains - Ep 20: Responding to Perfectionists

Episode Date: August 9, 2024

Lucy and Sam check their mail. Remember once you open an envelope it can never ever be closed. Pigeons used to deliver messages but now they don't seem to know what to do with themselves. Oh well.Recorded and edited by Aniya Das for Plosive.  Artwork by Sam Campbell. Theme music by Paul Williams and Sam Campbell. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. I'm talking God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit. The word is true. Are you ready to hear it? God always finds you if you're feeling lost. Jesus died for you. He was on a cross. The Holy Spirit is the name of the game.

It's Lucy and Sam's perfect brains. One, two, three, four, five, six. Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. Hello Lucy. Hi Sam. How's it going? Well, you know me. I feel like I'm flying.

I feel amazing. You've just done a corporate, is that true? Yeah, I feel amazing too. Oh my God. What was your corporate for? I would say probably the most unusual experience of my life. And I mean, I know we haven't known each other that long, Sam, but I think you can imagine I've done some quite unusual things.

Absolutely. Topped them all. You're a freak from way back. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This was for Yorkshire Day and this is a wonderful guy. And he wasn't why it was odd. He's like an architect and he's a bit of a philanthropist. But he originates

from Yorkshire and he set up this like group of people and they're all very, very successful, mostly in property, but they're all from Yorkshire and they all meet and he puts on this amazing like three-course silver service meal for them and they have a guest speaker and then they have a prayer and they sing Ilkli Bar Ta and then a brass band appears and marches them into the street and they go to a pub, like a pub in London that has some sort of connection to Yorkshire. The one they went to last year had a direct line to Sheffield for some reason. I didn't stay for the brass band bit. Once you've seen it, once you've seen it all with brass music. Sorry, no offence. I feel exactly like that. Yeah. It's a bit like Morris dancing, isn't it? Do you have

that in Australia? Morris dancing, isn't it? Do you have that in Australia? Morris dancing? Yeah. No, no, we don't have that. I don't know if we have our own. There's definitely dances where people imitate a brolgar. Do you know the brolgar? No.

Huge bird, really big and thin bird. Big and thin bird. Yeah, and that's inspired a few dances. A few dances. But let's get this straight. You were this year's Yorkshire princess. Yeah. I was there representing Sheffield Children's Hospital.

So, I did it for charity. And am I getting this right? They wheel out a big Yorkshire pudding and people are like, oh, wow, that's, I don't think I've seen one that big. Suddenly we see bubbling at the surface and out you pop. That's exactly what I did. Singing, happy birthday,, Mr Yorkshire. Were you there?

It sounds like, yeah, it almost sounds like the Masons with their traditions. It was a lot like the Masons and it was in a building that was very masonry. It was in the haberdasher's hall and they had a protection racket for haberdasher's in the 18th century and now there's still money there. So they've got, you know, there's like weird, like Masonic Halls where no one knows what they are. It's all weird. And then Barry Rutter, who I do know from Hull is a theatre director. He got up and he did a song about Yorkshire puddings. I love these. I need to get into one of these societies.

Do you know the water rats? No. Who are they? The water rats is like an old, really old entertainment society. The leader is called the King Rat. Oh, a hat, yeah. Yeah. They've got little badges.

And if you're seen without your little badge, you can be fined by the water rats. Oh my gosh. And what do they do? Do they do philanthropic work? I think they do do a bit of philanthropy. Yeah. All these groups, it's all about the hang. Let's admit it. But some are satanic. Yeah. Even the satanic ones, I think people are like, yes, we love Satan. Really, people

just want to spend time together and have created such elaborate ways of doing it. But some apparently have sacrificed children and they think that like in the 60s it was really big and like, but members of parliament were involved. Did you hear that? And I maintain that they don't need to do that kind of thing. You don't need to do any sacrifices. Just spend time together. Just have a chat. I didn't really believe in it and then my mum knows, oh, we should maybe get her on the show. Once she's summoned, you've got to be really careful. My mum knows this dominatrix in Hull. And one of the things she does is freezes her own feces and puts it in a condom and then takes it down to London in

like a freezer bag and then picks up members of parliament on the dinner hour. She drives around with them. They've got a driver with, you know, you can't see in, you know, blacked out windows and she puts this frozen condom up places. I had an experience with a dominatrix over the weekend. Did you? Yeah, I ordered Domino's and watched The Matrix. That sounds like a really good evening. On today's episode, this is really embarrassing to admit, and this is sort of a confession.

Oh, Father, please forgive us. This is the first time we've looked at our emails. I think this is our penultimate one before we go on our summer break. We've only just looked at the emails. But what the listener needs to know, we've talked about wanting to read them all the time. So many times, it's like, we've got about wanting to read them all the time. So many times it's like, we've got to look at those emails, can't wait to check them out.

Because we genuinely want to and we know that there's going to be really interesting stuff, but just life's got in the way really, hasn't it, I think. I don't want to be like braggadocious and like, oh, I've got this many emails. We have received 561 emails. I don't know how can I compare that to anything? Our inbox is positively engorged. You know, I got the train down to London today and the minute I got to Houston, all I can smell is raw bacon and it stayed with me all day, almost like it's in my nose.

Raw bacon, so what would that be? A pig? Yeah, but you know that like raw bacon smell? You know when you go into butchers? You know that smell? Oh yes. That's been in my nose all day, but why? Did you run into someone wearing a sort of an apron or? Well, I don't know, but because like raw bacon's flesh, all I can think of is maybe I'm smelling like the inside of my face. Oh, you think because it's maybe it's so hot that you're getting cooked. Yeah. You know, like when you breathe in, maybe I'm smelling my own flesh and it's not raw bacon.

And why do you think you haven't smelled that before? It's a really good question. Houston, we have a problem. Hormones. Could be Saturn returns. This is, we're digressing again. I'm digressing again. I'm digressing again.

It's not about us, is it? This is about you, the listener. Yeah. We finally pried open our email, our inbox. This is the first one. A new sign in on Mac. We noticed a new sign in on your Google account on a Mac device. If this was you, you don't need to do anything.

If not, we'll help you to secure your account. Can I just say we love our fans. If you had anyone stop you and say that they listened to the show. Oh, you know what I have had is someone who's been listening to the show and they've seen me and they freaked out. That's amazing. That's the dream isn't it? Yeah, it's like, I'm listening to you right now.

Wow. I think they found it to be a cosmic coincidence. And I said, I've just come down to see if you're enjoying it. They said me. Have you? I have twice now. Oh, no, no, that's not true. I've had friends like basically admit they don't really like anything I do. And they find me quite tedious to watch

channel TV, but they do genuinely enjoy listening to this partly because you're on it. But at least they've been engaging with them. But that's fine. And you've been invited to lots of things in Hull that haven't even... I really plan to go down there. But haven't even told you about them because I just know you wouldn't want to go. No, no, I'm geeing. I might relocate. But you've invited to a karaoke night at a pub, you've been invited to someone's christening and you've been invited to a 50th birthday party and I haven't even

bothered telling you. Wow, I do all of them. I don't want to turn on the Christmas lights, that's too much pressure, but I'll turn them off. I'll unplug. You put the cables away. Yeah. I put the cables away. I'll roll them up nice. It is nice seeing someone roll up a cable with expertise. What's the first email Sam?

Okay. This one's from someone called James. Their email address is from, I don't want to say it, but it's at an institution. Wow. Hello from the British Library Sound Archive. Wow. Hello Lucy and Sam. My name is James. I work alongside the curators here at the British Library Sound Archive, formerly the National Sound Archive.

I just wanted to check that you'd be happy for us to archive your podcast and add it to the British Library's collection. I can send you some further info if you'd like. It would be great to hear your thoughts if this interests you. What do you reckon? Yeah, but I'd like maybe if they sent me a book. Okay, I'm going to reply. Thanks for getting in touch. And also thanks for just clarifying that it's not the National Sound Archives anymore. That's good. Glad you changed the name. It wasn't a great look. We will be entering your

database. You may have our voices, but nothing in this life is free. How many books do we want? Four. Four books each from different genres. Of their choosing. Of your choosing. No overlap. No overlaps. In theme.

No overlaps in theme. In theme. No autobiographies about people in sport because they haven't had an interesting life. No autobiographies of sportsmen. We've read them all. Yeah, or Jay McDonald. That's good because then they're not going to send them, but we don't need to, you know. Yeah. And then what do I say? Lucy and Sam. Okay. We've got so many emails. Do you just want to say a key word, Lucy? And I can search

through the emails to find that word. Oh, that's a really, really good idea. I mean, I'd like to go with the keyword of whole, you know, because obviously it means a lot to me. Okay. So this is Segment Idea from someone called Naeem. Hi Lucy and Sam. A huge fan of you both. My suggestion for the podcast is if your brains are so perfect, you should be able to answer

these questions. Oh, this is some sort of a challenge. Right. If one train leaves Hull at 5 a.m. traveling at 60 miles per hour and the second train leaves Australia at 7 a.m. traveling at 70 miles per hour and the distance between Hull and Australia is 455 miles, what is the exact time that the collision will occur? Oh God, can we report this email? Report it. I'm writing that. We are reporting you.

Yeah, just to the authorities. Yeah, to the authorities. By the way, we know the answer. That's good. Okay, next key word to look up, Lucy. Germany. Oh, we've got some. No.

So this is someone who sent a photo of themselves. Oh my God. This is someone, a really funny person with a funny hat. I'm from County Durham in the Northeast and there's a guy who rides his bike around town everywhere dressed in full tradition German dress. He got knocked off his bike pretty badly a couple of years ago and the whole town chipped in and bought him a replacement bike. What's, what, what significance is that? Why would we, what are we meant to do with this information? Yeah, that's good. What do you want us to do with this information? I hope he's okay, but this is a bit above our pay grade. I'll type in a code word and this time you can post the message back to them.

And I am going to write the word rude. Oh, here we go. An interaction with Lucy is the... Okay, here we go. An interaction with Lucy is the... Okay, here we go. This is from Robbie. Dear Lucy and Sam, I wanted to email as first of all, I love this podcast and I'm so glad that you've created something that puts a smile on my face while I travel to work. The second record I wanted to get in contact is because I have a connection to Lucy. The year is 2020 and COVID has not struck yet.

A pilot for a new show called Hull Raisers was being filmed and I saw that they wanted extras to film in an art gallery in Humber Street. Does any of this ring true? A lot has happened since then. I had a very lovely time filming and enjoyed the on-set catering a lot. At the end of the day, I went to say thank you to Lucy and you told me I was the best. I very honestly believed this. I want to know if I actually was the best in this un-aired TV pilot. I say this also because not to be rude to the other extras, but a lot of them were college students who were maybe not as camera prepared as I was. I'm just going to be honest with you because you said that you felt I was honest at the

time, but I have no recollection of you or your performance. You could say a stab in the dark. Oh, I like that. A stab in the best. And I was being polite, but it doesn't matter what I think. Yes. Loves it. She brings it around.

If you believe you're a good actor, you need to persevere because as creative people, we have to be our biggest champion. Fantastic. Thank you for reminding me that the channel four budget was so low that we were using college students for Exus. Had to use talentless college students. Good luck. I might attach a little picture to this.

What have I got on my desktop? I've got a picture of some pigs looking over a fence. Of course you have. Of course you have. I'm going to type in worm. There's a few. Here are the headlines. Albino gecko from John. Constructive from Jack, reincarnation from Carl, or almost timely news, a large language model power technique from Christopher.

What was the one critique in it? Constructive criticism. Yeah, critique. Are you sure? Yeah. Greetings Sam and Lucy. As per request, I am writing an email to you to provide criticism. The criticism may or may not be constructive depending on your response to hurtful comments.

Okay. I'll get right to it. I'm furious. I'm extremely upset and beginning to question my loyalty. The last podcast on animals was a complete sham. I'm mad as a worm. I'm continually sickened by title choice subsequent performance.

You must be quivering in your boots while reading this, as you should be. It's time for someone to speak up and sham you. This criticism is aimed mostly at Sam Campbell. Lucy is actually really nice and gives it a good go. I respect her and think she has a great smile. Did you write this? I didn't, I didn't, no.

The kingdom of animals you say. Over the duration of your underwhelming 32 minutes, you barely touch the topic. The world is full of super exotic, powerful and rare animals that have anatomies a mere human could barely fathom. Yet you decide to cover dogs and camels? I know I've said this once, but I'll say it again. I feel like I'm on fire. I'm furious.

Here's a list of animals that you could have covered. I'm furious. Here's a list of animals that you could have covered." And then they've just got a list of animals. Anteater, sugar glider. Yeah, what do you reckon? Yeah, he's got a fair point, isn't he? We've covered just quite basic domestic. I'm responding, you are the animal, mate. And a lot of people think my smile is enchanting. Okay. Should we look at our first ever email? Oh, we've got a few from like doctors. Let's do type in the word doctor. Oh my God.

I don't like this. So this is from a doctor from Melbourne, Dr. Callum, and his email is the subject line is Sam Campole. Lucy and Sam, something amazing is happening. Sam's whole accent is starting to emerge. Episode 11, 26 minutes, 25 seconds, the way he pronounces over the top. Maybe Lucy will start to develop elements of an Australian accent next. I will be listening closely.

Wow. I hope by the end of the year, you both have incredible hybrid accents. Each sentence, a beautiful swirling double helix of Queensland and East Yorkshire. Oh, that'd be nice, wouldn't it? Yeah. What are we writing? That we're hoping to physically morph into each other. And that is basically, is found out our experiment. We are hoping to morph into one being and we would like to come and live in your laboratory. You have to feed us. And take us on day trips. And take us on day trips. Yeah.

Thanks, doctor. You are better than an apple. You've got a fan. Have I? Yeah, you do. I didn't notice that was Susan a fan. I thought you meant an email. Should we type in the word fan to find out more psychotic email?

Okay, here we go. Birthday message from my nephew. Dear Lucy and Sam, next week my nephew, Leonie, celebrates their 40th birthday. Wow. How is that possible to have a 40 year old nephew? If you are older. What are you, 200?

Nephews shouldn't be over 40, that's so, well, that's wrong. They're a big fan of the podcast and they have nothing but love for the boys from above. If you could share a birthday message for them, they'd be ever so full of hope. We can do that. I think it's their birthday has been, this email's from April, but- That shouldn't matter. It shouldn't matter.

Okay, what do you want to write? You should be able to wish someone a happy birthday any day of the year. So I'm going to write, hello nephew. Why don't you say that? I think it's disgusting that you've got a 40 year old nephew. No one should have one. Nephews should be like children. I know what you mean. I find it freaky when people have got a nephew or a niece that's older than them

and they're younger. Yeah. What are they trying to prove? It's just something's gone really wrong with that family. Something has gone very wrong with your family and we are on the phone with, you guessed it, the authorities. Thank you for all your emails. And if you'd like to email us, it's at Lucy and Sam's perfectbrains.gmail.com. Yeah, we've really enjoyed this and we are definitely going to do this again. We're going to go through them all now.

Maybe not now, we'll put it off a bit longer, but we are going to go through them all and we're going to find our favorites that way. So do email in if you want to ask us a question. You just think about these, all the years and all the people that are listening to this and who knew there'd be so many, we love our fans. That's all I can say. We love them. We love them all don't we?

Yeah. Odd people though, odd emails. They're strange people. But we wouldn't want it any other way, would we? No, absolutely not. A bunch of stiffs listening to this? No way. Keep flying your freak flags. Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above.

Hello this is Nish Kamar and I am thrilled to tell you that I'm back on tour doing the thing that I'm second best at. I'm not telling you what I'm best at, that's my personal business, with my new show Nish Don't Kill My Vibe. Yes, that is a Kendrick Lamar reference. I'm so cool. If you enjoy classic humor about subjects such as the climate crisis and income inequality, why not come down? Tickets are available right now at nishkamar.co.uk We are traveling the length and breadth of the United Kingdom and doing a show in Dublin from September till November And it's going to be a huge amount of fun. Get your tickets at nishkamar.co.uk