Lucy & Sam's Perfect Brains - Ep 21: School's Out

Episode Date: August 16, 2024

For the series finale, Lucy and Sam delve into the past to decide what's to come in the future. They're joined by a man instrumental in Lucy's life, Mr Richard Green.Recorded and edited by Aniya Das for Plosive.  Artwork by Sam Campbell. Theme music by Paul Williams and Sam Campbell. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. I'm talking God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit. The word is good. Are you ready to hear it? God always finds you if you're feeling lost. Jesus died for you. He was on a cross. The Holy Spirit is the name of the game. It's Lucy and Sam's perfect brains. One, two, three, four, five, six. Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above.

Hey Sam. Hello. How is it going in your part of the world? Hmm. I'm just in a hibernation period. I'm not even blinking. I'm not even bothering. I just sit there. Ah.

Are you drinking enough fluids? Oh yeah, I'm hooked up to all sorts of tubes. So it's sort of free-float, it's doing itself, sort itself out, is it? Yeah, yeah, I'm just sort of in a... what do you say, is it canatonic or catatonic? Kerikotone there. Stalactites, stalagmites. Oh, that's one of the only bits of information that I know. Stalactites hang down and stalagmites go up. Because like, tights, the way you remember it is because tights hang down. Oh, really?

Yeah. Oh, I'd love to see one fall. What, when no one's there or creating a horrific... Yeah, I'd like the cave to not know that I was there and to be hiding and to witness one shatter. Wow. I have seen footage of a moose shedding its antlers. You're joking.

I have seen that. I've looked that up. In a cave? Not in a cave. This was out in the snow and it just shook its head violently and both of its antlers came off and then it, almost like it was embarrassed, it ran away. Oh God, that must feel so good though, mustn't it, if you finally get rid of them. Imagine being a lizard and shedding your skin.

Well, but we do shed our skin. Every seven years, completely new skin. Let's mix that up. Let's have it not happen so gradually. Let's just have one day where it all comes off. Oh, God. You're just a new person. Yeah, all new skin. That'd be lovely. Which I guess this being, we're about to take a break. So in a way we are

shedding our skin. Would you agree? Yeah, we are. We really are. We've been in a cave and now we're stepping out of the cave. So we won't do this. School's out. Obviously, this is the last episode. If we were to do a bit of a debrief, how have you found them so far? Yeah, I feel like we've showed a lot of bravery. I feel like we are warriors.

Yeah. Have you enjoyed it? Are you wanting to do another series or do you think? Really keen to explore all the hinges because there's not just Stonehenge, there's other hinges out there. Yeah. And Mungers. Oh yeah, we want to do hate Mungers.

Not actually, we want to do every Munger except hate Mungers. Yeah. And I wondered about invaders, tax invaders. Tax invaders? Yeah. I wondered because obviously we've had an episode about summoning Richard Osmond and I wondered about if we could just talk to people called Richard Osmond. Talking about a guy who's got it together, he would never have odd socks, hey? I don't think so, no. He'd have the most beautiful socks from a high-end department store with a tasteful

pattern. I think he's very tidy, yeah. Do you think he irons his socks? I'd say worse that his staff would. He'd probably have someone just for that. I've seen his staff. It's almost like guys about to hit the waves in Plymouth. They've all got their boards, the ironing boards, because he has a different person to eye in each article of clothing.

And they follow him around holding their ironing boards. Is that right? Yeah. It looks like they were about to chase the big kahuna. I think he is one of the nicest people I've met in show business. Yeah. He fills me with so much warmth. Him and the guy, David O'Dowd, I'm like, jeez, I wish I had, you know, if you

could bottle that, if you could bottle that. If you could bottle that, you'd want to drink it? Yeah. He bought me a pencil from an airport once. Oh, why did you do that? He just did it as a present. I didn't ask for it. And were you at the airport as well, may I ask, or did he come from the airport with the pencil for you? Yeah, I think I was.

Yeah. He was just like, I brought you a pencil. Buy someone a pencil in your life. Just a little gesture. Yeah, someone who, oh, their life seems a bit fucked up. Buy them a pencil. So this is the penultimate, no. Is it the penultimate?

Lose the pen. The ultimate. This is the ultimate episode. You've got a pencil now, Lucy. You the pen. The ultimate. This is the ultimate episode. Yeah. You've got a pencil now, Lucy. You don't need that pen. This is the ultimate. So there's a lot of pressure here, Sam.

To go out with a bang instead of a whimper. A massive bang. It'd be good if this went properly viral. Oh my gosh. Yesterday there was a fellow who was not in a good state. Oh, right. Who was like, do you know what I mean? He had maybe had too much grog or something and he'd sort of collapsed next to the road.

And so I was like, try to help this guy. I was like, can I get you some water? What's, are you a gay? And he was like, not super responsive. And eventually this dude, other guy sort of helped me and we like helped sit the guy up and stuff like that. And I'm looking at this guy, I'm like, who is this? I've seen this guy.

So we helped this fella and sat with him for a while, even though he was saying some really strange stuff. He said he was from one of the biggest families in the world and that he won a competition. Anyway, so eventually we sort of sat him down, got him away from the main road. And then when I got home, this guy who'd sort of helped as well, he'd messaged me and I sort of looked him up. He's in a band that once went viral for being really rude to the crowd. Oh, really?

Wow. Yeah. It was a funny clip where they come out now like, yeah, we do rock and roll. You probably never heard of us. We don't care. And then when they left the stage, they were giving everyone the finger. And all these people online had been like, oh, these guys were rude and stuff like that. But they are rockers. And I was excited to meet, have met this guy.

That's amazing. Maybe you could like, is he still in your band? I think they're a pretty big band, yeah. I think they've opened for Muse. Oh my God. Tell me, it doesn't get much bigger than that. It doesn't sit. Maybe you're gonna be friends, like it's like a chance meeting. Maybe you're gonna be friends.

Should I have a look at the message? Yeah. Oh, you swapped numbers. I printed it out. He said, hope to bump into you in different circumstances. Ooh. Ooh. So what would I say?

One circumstance could be a meal. Yeah, why don't you list some circumstances? Ooh, yeah, what are some circumstances? Let me just quickly write possible circumstances. Maybe like an emergency, like a fire, a car crash. We're trying to move away from stuff like that. We want like really nice circumstances. Oh, sorry.

What about you bend down to smell a flower? We're trying to move away from stuff like that. We want like really nice circumstances. Oh, sorry. What about you bend down to smell a flower? This is so specific. And when you stand up, he's there and you meet like that. Okay, so I'm writing possible circumstances. I notice- What about you're running with a tray of donuts and he's running for a bus? A tray or a box? Is this sort of one of those like in the

city where you get the box? A box. A box of donuts and then you sort of bump into each other and he helps you pick the donuts up and say, oh it's you again and then you both have like have a donut. Yours both involved sort of like bending down and they're looking up and meeting our eyes. Yeah I've is it, oh, it's you again. And then you both have like have a doughnut. Yours both involve sort of like bending down and then looking up and meeting our eyes. Yeah, I've sent it. Oh my God. Oh my God, I'm weak at the knees. Would you like to be part of one of these sort of missions

to help colonise Mars or any of the other planets? There's obviously lots of light, extraterrestrial life on different planets. It's just, we're just not advanced enough to see it. I think all the big advancements that we've had have been because of aliens. Oh, I've got two things to say to this. It's interesting that the name Venus is a name, like Venus Williams. People should use the planets more as names. I'd like to meet someone whose name is Earth. You probably can't find them. Someone called Earth.

Yeah, living in Woodland. Series two, let's talk to someone called Earth. What about, well, Eartha. Oh yeah, Eartha Kitt, the voice of the villain in The Emperor's New Groove. Yeah, that would be a good final episode, isn't it? We talk to people that have got unusual names. So we talk to Venus Williams.

Yeah. Neptune, I think we could find a Neptune pretty easily. I met a little lad in a park and I asked what his name was because he was playing with my daughter and he said Arrow. Oh wow. Yeah. Did he like pointing at things? Do you know what?

I think he did. But that's because he was like four. They just do point at stuff, don't they? So that would be a good final episode. Do you know what? I think he did. But that's because he was like far, this is just doing point-out stuff, don't they? So that would be a good final episode. Well, this was the other thing I wanted to discuss. You were talking about how aliens have helped to shape us. Yes. Sort of like the Alexander the Great was, you know, they sent Aristotle to sort of teach

him. Yeah, but when those, like Aristotle, I think he's been inspired from energy from another planet. Oh, absolutely, yeah. Do you believe that they made the pyramids, aliens made the pyramids? No, I think the pyramids are man-made. But I think maybe they were designed by the aliens. But you do know that inside some of them, there's basically like engravings of the solar system. And how would they know how?

I've got to look at some of these hieroglyphs. Are you sure it's the solar system and not just a groovy pattern that they were trying out? I don't know. I don't, I don't know. I don't know. The seagulls outside my building have just broken the social contract big time and have started killing the pigeons. You're jerking. It's horrible.

Really? And they'll do it in front of like all these pigeons will be sitting on the wall and then a seagull will catch one and like just start gnawing at it in front of these. It's so beastly. They call them murder gulls. Well, something's going on because in the 80s and 90s, seagulls were placid. They didn't go near anybody.

They didn't try to take your food. I've got a theory. I think it's cocaine. Really? Yeah. I think a lot of the seagulls are on cocaine. They believe that seagulls have the souls of dead sailors. Have you heard that?

It's so strange that a sailor would want to eat a pigeon. And like now, it like sent pants, parts of corn wall. You can't sit and have fish and chips. They will come down and they'll take it. And they'd be known to take little dogs, mobile phones. What are they doing with a mobile phone? Ringing their dealer. Playing snake. They think the snake,

they think the snake in the mobile phone is a worm that they can eat. But I think what they're doing is on, you know, is the finding bags of cocaine. Is it not because people were feeding the seagulls and then they're getting just a little bit too bold? No, but that shouldn't make them aggressive. If people were feeding them, then they shouldn't, but they're actually, like you say, they're becoming bloodthirsty. And it's happening in the North as well. But the Southern seagulls are a lot more aggressive than

the Northern ones. It is true. If someone feeds you, it doesn't make you more aggressive. Like if I go to a restaurant, I'm not like, now give me the bill, I want to hear. I get more, I'm like, oh, thank you very much. And my compliments to the chef. Yeah. I wouldn't be like, I want to headbutt the chef. We need to investigate this. Because it is a thing.

We might need to go out to sea. I also wondered for the penultimate episode, I've got a film idea that I think you should co-write it and I think you should be the leading actor in it. So Star Vehicle? Yeah. Can you do a sort of a posh North Yorkshire accent? Hit me with an example of that and then I will sort of see how I go. Hello there. Hello there. Can you say this? My name is Jimmy Hearst. My name is Jimmy Hearst. Oh you're good at it, you're good at accents. Is that okay? My name is Jimmy

Hearst and I don't suffer fools, no I don't. Sam I think you do that better than your own accent. I don't think Australian suits you I don't. Sam, I think you do that better than your own accent. I honestly, I don't think Australian suits you. That's because this is my accent. And I've always talked like this, Jimmy erst. Fools, no business, I've got no business with fools. Because your Australian's not that good, I don't think so.

You think we built the pyramids? Are you having me on? Oh, kill you. I didn't know you were so good at Northern. That's brilliant. You've got the part. Oh, fantastic. And so what's he up to this Jimmy Hurst? So I can't believe nobody's wrote a film about him,

but I do wonder if he inspired Dr. Dolittle. Oh, so he's a real person. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So his name was James Hirst, or he was sometimes referred to as Jimmy Hirst. And he lived in the late 18th century. And this guy is fascinating. So he's from quite a wealthy family in this little Yorkshire village. He's always had this really good big connection with animals. He's always been able to communicate and understand animal behavior and train them and stuff. In marriage, this young bride, the love of his life, she fell in a lake and drowned and he never really got over it and so he lived this really... If only I'd asked one of those eels to save her!

And so he lived this quite solitary life and he didn't want to meet anyone ever again. And not after my love met her, watery grave! And he taught an otter to fish. Why didn't the otter teach him to fish? That's the way that thing that would be. Well, he taught an otter to fish with a fishing rod. He taught the otter to angle. And he tamed a bull and he used to ride the bull like it was a horse.

And what he used to do on a Sunday, he used to invite all the widows, all the old widows from the village and he would make them lunch. Now I'm very interested in this part. Yeah. And so he was invited down to meet the king and so he rode down on his bull, but his bull, you won't believe this, smashed into a china shop. Sorry, mate. I cannot make it. My ball has literally just

run into a china shop. It's horrible. Teacops strewn. But I must say we've got to cast real widows. I don't like it when someone plays a widow in a movie and they're not actually a widow and they've got some horrible sort of, you know, prying husband. What's your ideal age of a widow? I would say 60 and up. When did your fascination with older women begin? Did it start?

It's not a fascination, it's a lifestyle. Guys, it's the ultimate episode and it's time for an interview with Lucy's... This is what we were trying to get at before, is you were talking about Aristotle and Alexander and the aliens shaping us. We have an exclusive interview with Lucy's teacher. Mr. Richard Green. Yeah, with Mr. Richard Green. Roll the tape.

Hello, sir. How are you? I tape. Hello, sir. How are you? I'm fine, thank you. How are you? Mr. Green. Is that the one you could call me? The Green Machine. Oh, the Green Machine. That's amazing. So you helped shape Lucy, would you say? To an extent, yes.

I mean, she's not very different from when she was a little girl., the only when she came to me she didn't speak as she does now Oh, so there was a bit of the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane Absolutely. Yes, she was very correct as a little girl Wow She was always a little bit sort of Zany she never saw quite clicked on really sometimes. She never really seemed as though she quite understood what I was saying. You're saying she never quite clamped on to reality. I mean, I'm not saying she was thick. She wasn't. She was very clever.

No, I'm saying that. No, you are. You're quite bright. She's pulling the strings. She's the architect. Yeah. So, Richard had, I can't even describe to you how amazing this place was. He had a performing art school, but it was in an old church where the roof was still sort of missing, wasn't it? And it had pigeons in it. It was like a derelict church. And he walked in and it suddenly became this eccentric musical

theatre world, didn't it? And you had everyone who worked there was all, they were a bit odd, weren't they? Yeah, they were odd, yeah. Deliberately. Well, I'm a bit odd myself, aren't I? Yeah. You know what reassures me? In your background, you have many certificates. Well, actually, not certificates. No, I know what you mean. Oh, they're not certificates? No, no, no. They're the plans, drawings, architectural plans. Oh. Are you from Australia, by the way?

Yeah, busted. You are, aren't you? Yeah. Yeah, I certainly am. Yeah. Can I call you Dame Edna? Absolutely. Yeah, yeah.

Rest in peace. One of the greatest. Yeah, she was. She was. So you've got the strange plans and you've got certificates as well. Oh yeah. Rest in peace. One of the greatest. Yes, it was. It was. So you've got strange plans and you've got certificates as well. Oh, yeah. Loads of certificates.

Yes. Loads of that sort of thing. Was you a primary school teacher before you did? Well, junior. Junior school, yeah. Was it junior? Yeah. Yeah.

But then I taught you at Sixth Form College as well. There wasn't much studying involved. It was just- Wasn't there? No. Do you remember sometimes you used to say, who are you? What lesson is this? Oh yes, that's right.

Yes. What are we doing today? Yeah. So you basically were in my life from being about seven to being 18. And I remember your mother as well. Yeah, you thought she was bad. Oh, Miss Jill Adams. She's mad. Absolutely mad. I mean, I love her to bits, but she is mad, isn't she?

Yeah, yeah. Sam has met her. Has he? Oh dear. It's okay. Yeah. Don't worry. Do you want to hear my verdict? Yeah. They're mad.

Yeah, she is, isn't she? But she's a very good writer. You would never believe it, but she is a very good writer. Yeah, she is. You didn't teach her as well, did you? No, my partner did though. He taught Jill. Oh, for real? Yeah, at the art college, because she was a very good artist as well, did you? No, my partner did though. He taught, um, Jill. Oh, for real?

Yeah, at the art college, because she was a very good artist as well. Do you think the madder the mother, the greater the talent? Ah, ha ha. I've had some very difficult mothers. You get a lot of stagey mothers who want to push their children and stagey fathers as well, they're even worse. And Sadie, I was also taught by another lady there called Sadie. Yeah. Smelly Sadie's father's as well, they're even worse. And Sadie, I was also taught by another lady there called Sadie. Yeah.

Smell of Sadie. If you did though, didn't you? She did smell of piss and a room that she taught in smelled of piss. And even the books. They smelled of piss as well, everything smelled of piss. You took a book home and you could smell it on the book. She was a brilliant drama teacher, wasn't she? And she had it.

She was brilliant. She was so knowledgeable. Yeah. So knowledgeable. Do you remember she had a wig, but what she used to do was in summer, her head used to make her rich. So you'd all sit in this classroom. It was like in a Victorian classroom, like a Bible study room in this church. And she'd take a wig off and hang

it on her walking stick. And you had to get up and read a drama monologue and she'd time it so she'd light up a fag and you'd do your monologue and then she'd put it out and then she'd make the next child stand up and then get her fag ready. And she would smoke, because there was about 20 kids in this room, she'd smoke 20 fags in this little room whilst you were trembling because her wig was on her walkie-talkie. The wig on the walking stick, was that almost like your scene partner? You'd deliver your lines to it? Yeah, because she didn't want to look her in the eye. Yeah. And if you did something,

because everyone had a whole accent, but she wouldn't let you do it, would she, Richard? She wants to get the whole accent. So if you said H instead of H, instead of H, she'd go, it's not it. Are you so scared? And you, you, you lent pronunciation with her. Yeah, but you spoke quite well. Yeah, I've got worse through the pronunciation with her. Yeah, but you spoke quite well. Yeah, I've got worse through the years. Yeah, much worse. How long did you work as a chalky, Mr. Richard? Oh, I taught for 40 years.

Wow. At the same time, I was directing productions as well. Oh, fantastic. And do you have these connections with many of your former students that you have with the Ms. Beaumont? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, Sheridan Smith is one of my ex-students. Really?

You've heard of her? Yeah, I love Sheridan Smith. She was great in The Teacher in 2022 and The Castaways in 2023. And what was your schooling like in Australia? I think I just had sort of a similar experience in that I had all this energy and imagination and I got sent to a drama school out of school as well. Were you a good actor?

No, I was really small and I had a lot of anger so I'd always get cast as sort of an angry businessman who'd come in and yell at everyone. And are you still small? I'm about one metre in height but I'm looking to get a lot larger. But is it important for a teacher to have a signature look? Yeah, I suppose so. I remember when I talked to the junior school, it was the first day of the lesson and it was the nine-year-olds and I came in, all the class came in, and then this woman entered in slippers and she came in and said, hey, are you Mr. Green? I said, yes, that's right. Oh, well,

you've got our Wayne in your class. I said, oh, yes, Wayne, yes. She said, now look, our Wayne has bowel problems. I said, oh dear. And it's no point being subtle with him, Mr Green. You got to go up to him and say, Wayne, have you shit yourself? I said, Oh, I've heard this. And so from then on, all the kids, you say, hey Wayne, have you shit yourself? And usually had. Do you have a last question for Richard? There's a big debate between blackboards and electronic whiteboards.

Do you care to dip your toes in this or do you want to steer clear? No, I'm not going to dip my toes in this at all. I never use a blackboard or the whiteboard or any other board. I used to sit on the table and just talk to the class. We didn't do writing on blackboards or whiteboards. whiteboard or any other board. I used to sit on the table and just talk to the class. We didn't do writing on blackboards or whiteboards. You never wrote anything down and neither did we. You're making me sound awful. That's not quite true.

No, it's not. But I had the best time of my life. It was loads of fun. But then when I went to university, the first lecture I went to, they asked me about Marxist theatre and about Karl Marx and I said no one's ever talked about his brother Groucho Marx. Anyway, I think that's enough, I'm going to go now. Fantastic interview with Mr Richard Green. He basically has this amazing connection still with all his past students, especially if you went to his theatre group. So in an interview with some stage magazine, they might say Richard Green was instrumental

in my career. Yeah, he was. So big plans for the podcast upon its return. I want to ask you for the next series, will that still be the theme tune or will you change it or will I change it? Oh, have a crack, I reckon. I just don't think it's something I could beat.

No, it's beatable. It's a, yeah, you could beat that. But I think. No, it's beatable. Yeah, you could beat that. But I think people would miss Spice from Above. Oh, we could play both. There's no rule against having three or four theme songs. You know, we could have 15 songs before the show even starts. In series two, I would like to be tempured. Oh, what's that?

Have you ever been to a Japanese restaurant? Teppanyaki? The tempura is sort of like a batter. It's like a thin deep-fried batter. Oh, right. You want to be covered in batter? Oh, both of us, yeah. I think that'd be a good start.

At the start of the episode, we get tempuraid and then we just see what happens. What would the fryers? Hmm fry us up. Okay okay. Yeah okay okay. Well I'll always have some sort like I've never completely got an ingrown toenail, but I've always got something on the go that could warrant... Oh, an ailment. Yeah. I've been looked at if you want to go and do that together. Why don't you cut my nails?

Cut my toenails. It won't be nice. They're really not nice. They don't look good. Are they gnarled? They just look like my granny's feet. A tribute to her. If we didn't have shoes, our feet would be able to do more of the things that we do. Are they gnarled? They just look like my granny's feet.

A tribute to her. If we didn't have shoes, our feet would be able to do more of the things that our hands do and toes would have the functionality of fingers. Oh wow, because they're constricting. My feet can do a lot and I know they can do even more than I'm willing to explore because they're sort of like double jointed. And I know that my feet can do a lot and I know that I'm not letting them. You think they could operate a switchboard? I can make them dance. They can go in at the middle. You think they could play piano? Yeah. Oh yeah. And I know that they can.

You think they could operate a forklift? I think they could run a bun stall at a fate. Who would be after one of those cream buns? At primary school, people used to gather around and make me take my shoes and socks off. And I used to do this little dance with my feet. Really? Yeah, and no one else seemed to be able to do it.

Because three little toes at the end of my feet, they're bobbing up and down to this groovy beat, and I can make them wiggle. I think this episode, Sam, has been working out what to do for the episode, something about getting covered in batter and a look forward in time. So I feel this episode has been like past, present and future. Oh, you've taken the words right out of my mouth. I'd like to report

you for theft because I was going to say a lot of that same stuff. Yeah, I just want to say a big thank you for you. It's been so amazing to surf the airwaves with you. Yeah, well done Sam. Don't go missing, will you? What, you think I'm gonna go missing? Well, I don't know, you're one of the people that if no one ever heard of them ever again, you'd be like, I don't mean that like you won't be missed, I I mean there's something quite transient about you where you could belong in any time or in any country and it felt like you exploded onto our screens but then equally if you left I think everyone would be like oh yeah I don't find that weird. Does that make sense? It's a strange one to have said about you. Yeah, I feel seen, but in a way where the eyes that are looking at me are very sharp.

No, because I've always said to people, you remind me of them, you know from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Please don't say Mike TV, please don't say Mike TV. No, you know Willy Wonka, Gene Wilder, the original Willy Wonka. you remind me of an Australian version of a young Gene Wilder. Oh really? And he has that elusiveness that, what I mean, I don't mean like if you disappeared no one would be bothered. What I mean is that you see there's quite an ethereal quality to you that you may just be here like a Charlie's angel, like for a short time and leave your mark on comedy and then disappear. I mean that in like can't pin you down.

Wow. I don't mean like your career is going to end. I mean that you're on another plane, like you're in a different energy zone. Because you just appeared. I just sort of just appeared. I think I appeared in your life, but I was in a few other people's. I was sort of living near Emirates Stadium and stuff like that.

So you had a life before you started. You were around. But yeah, no, thank you so much. It's been a lot of fun and I can't wait to explore more formats and to really try and, I don't know if we'll ever hit the nail on the head, but I think we're gonna do some really, really interesting stuff with that nail. All we can do is our best. Yeah, we lost the hammer a long time ago.

Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above.