Lucy & Sam's Perfect Brains - Ep 6: Phone Experiences

Episode Date: May 3, 2024

Lucy and Sam get on the blower to some of their most powerful allies. It's important to go scroll through all of your contacts and ask people for money every now and again. One day people will be horrified that we put our phones in pockets and bags when they're not being used. This will be considered barbaric. Everyone's phone will have its own little house.Recorded by Ben Williams and edited by Aniya Das for Plosive.  Artwork by Sam Campbell. Theme music by Paul Williams and Sam Campbell. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If you are interested in seeing a live show, you really need to go to our respective and respectable websites. To buy tickets to see one of my performances, I might be coming to somewhere near you. I'm doing a bunch of different dates. It's samcambletour.com. I have a new tour starting in September and for information about tickets, you can go to my website. It's Lucy Beaubon. I can go to my website it's Lucy Beaumont I can't remember the website it's dot co dot UK but if you just google Lucy Beaumont website it'll come up with it okay thank you bye you gotta know your website Boys from above, I'm talking God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit. The word is good, are you ready to hear it?

God always finds you if you're feeling lost. Jesus died for you, he was on a cross. The Holy Spirit is the name of the game. It's Lucy and Sam's perfect brains. One, two, three, four, five, six. Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. Sam. Oh, Lucy, how's it going?

Hiya, Sam. Listen, how are you? Are you in the zone? In the zone? Yeah, do you feel like you're in the zone? What, the podcasting zone? Yeah, and just the, you know, when just things feel right, you're in the zone. Yeah, are we pod, you're in the zone.

Yeah. Are we pod, we're podcasters? Is that what we are now? It seems like we've sort of been hit with that whip that we've been, yeah. But are we like, we just, we make a podcast or are we podcasters? Like, do you feel like a podcaster or do you just feel like a comedian as a podcast? Oh, definitely the latter. I really wouldn't.

I mean, I feel like there's some real, there's people who they're on the microphone more than they are not on a microphone, if that makes sense. Yeah. I'm thinking, I mean, the name Ed Gamble springs to mind. He spends more time on a microphone than he does. Usually his chin is sort of slightly covered by a microphone. Yeah. Or is he eating fine food? Judging fine food, isn't he? Does he judge it? I don't know. Yeah. He's a fascinating guy. Should we give him a call? Yeah. Let's ring him. Let's ring him.

What are we going to ask? How long is it since his chin has been covered by a microphone? Oh, hello Ed. How are you? How are you, man? Yeah, good man. I'm just in Buxton. In Buxton? Oh, really? Listen, this is sort of sensitive. I was wondering if I could borrow some money. Now, what are you up to, mate? What's going on here? I'm just doing the podcast with Lucy Beaumont and we're just rigging people. I'm glad you found something to do on the podcast. I know you weren't sure what the format was going to be.

No, we're sure. We're sure of the format. Lucy, you've got to, you've got to, oh, you can't see, you can't hear Lucy. Can you just say something Lucy? Hi Ed. Hi Ed. Is this how you were hoping this would go? Yeah.

This is better than we thought. This is, this is good. This is really good. We're really happy with this. Who else have you called asking to borrow money? You're honestly the first person. I'm serious. That's not even, I'm not even kidding. You're the first person. Well, I take that as a compliment. It's a huge compliment. We were asking about, we wanted to know how often you have a microphone in front of you. Are you broadcasting more than you just just living your life? I don't think so. It's probably 50-50 at this point.

50-50? Wow. Yeah, I'd say 50-50. I guess I have the microphone and the phone in front of me now, so I am broadcasting now. So this could have put it up to 60-40? Yeah, we're nudging 60-40 now, I think. Oh, oh wow. You're such a pro. You make me comfortable. You make me really comfortable. I'm glad to hear that Sam. I want you to sharpen a pencil over my mouth. You make me feel something. Okay, well thank you very much Ed and enjoy that. What were you up to?

You went somewhere or you were going somewhere? I'm on tour and I'm just sitting at breakfast in a hotel. Your life is a fairy tale. You're incredible. All right. See you guys. You make me feel, you know, on the spirit level, that green bit, and then there's the little blob in the middle that's like equal and it makes everything equal. That's how you make me feel. Yeah. Oh, I'm glad to hear that. I love you. Oh, all right then. Thanks Thanks Ed. Bye.

I'm going to change my friend Henry Dudin. I've got a lot of permissions there. I've never received a Facebook telephone call in my life. I'm ringing you off Facebook. How are you doing, Henry? Yeah, not bad, not bad. And how's it going with you? It's going really well. Maybe we could talk about your hamsters. Yeah, I've just said, do you know how funny it is?

Well, not hardly funny, but I have gagoos which are chilean squirrels. And I've lost them both within the space of a month. They must have both had some sort of like respiratory disease. They've died? Tell him to check up the chimney. If he's lost a squirrel, it might have gone up the chimney.

Sam said if you've lost a squirrel, but no Sam, it's a hamster. It might have gone up the chimney. No, the hamster's died. Didn't he say it's a Chilean squirrel? Oh, sorry, did you say Chilean squirrel? Yeah, yeah, degus they're called. Shit. Are you allowed to have them?

Well the pest is exotic pets, so you kind of go, I got them from pets at home, the best batch, because they live for 10 years, that's why I get them, because I do like my animals, but it's heartbreaking to have hamsters and stuff tend to be what you buy kids to teach them about death. Yeah. Yeah. That's why I went with the ones that live for 10 years kind of thing because I just can't bear having them on a loop, you know, like losing them every two years or whatever.

He should get a pet. There's a shark that lives for a thousand years. Sam said there's a shark that lives for a thousand years. Oh, wow. I didn't know about that. Well when I went to Australia I saw the giant tortoise from the beginning of the opening credits to one foot in the grave. It was uh it ended up in Steve Irwin's zoo. Really? The actual tortoise? Yeah the actual one yeah. Wow oh that's amazing. Well yeah I'm going to ring you soon to catch up.

I'll speak to you soon then, Henry. Tell him he's perfect for me. Sam said you've been perfect. Bye. I want to discuss a few things that he was talking about, the Irwin family. Okay. What do you know about the Irwins? Oh, Steve Irwin. So there's other Irwins.

So there's Steve Irwin. It's a legacy. It's a family dynasty. Sort of like, I'm trying to think of, do you know the Daddos? The Daddos, no. That's another famous family in Australia where there's, I think there's like 15 Daddos. There's Andrew Daddo, Nathan Daddo, there's so many daddos. But the Irwin family, so it was Steve Irwin, then there was Terry Irwin, who sort of, it was his partner in crime and filmed him and they had a beautiful romance. Then there's the two children, Bob Irwin and Bindi Irwin. And not a lot of people know this, there is a third son. There is another one called Lloyd Irwin.

Wow. Yeah. And what, who are they all? What? They've covered up Lloyd Irwin because he doesn't like animals, he just wants to play on the computer. Wow. Okay.

What are some famous families here in England? Famous families? Yeah. The Royal Family. There's so much focus on them. Are there any other big families who are sort of making a play for it? Well, there's a lot of like, yeah, there's a lot of like old famous family, you know, like that have got like brands, haven't they?

Like McVitie's is a famous family, isn't it? Who's that McVitties? Yeah, and that lad who was made in Chelsea, he's heir to McVitties. And I tell you, it was a really interesting family line. The Guinness family are fascinating, if you want to look up. They're all very tortured souls. Really? So they've made that very, very, very, very, very thick drink. Yeah. Yeah. Somewhere in their dynasty, yeah.

Their great, great grandfather made Guinness. It's pressure. A last name can be pressure. You know, if you were born and you're actually a Guinness, you're like, all right. Exactly. I'm going to try Stephen Bailey. Do you know him? Stephen Bailey is a really, really good stand up. Hi, Stephen. How are you? I'm doing a podcast right now with Sam Campbell.

Oh great! I haven't told Sam yet but I think he'll really love that you call Prosecco your princess petrol. Oh my gosh, what do you call it? What do you call Prosecco, Sam? Oh, I call it mother's syrup. Mother's syrup he calls it. Mother's syrup? Yeah. No, I don't think it does anything good for mothers. I think it makes a lot of mothers actually. It makes my mother come alive. He said it makes his mother come alive. Oh really? Maybe it does then.

Maybe it does. What are you doing Stephen? I'm just at Euston heading up to the north. Oh you sound sad about that. I've got to go and see my boxing instructor, Niall. He's absolutely gorgeous. He looks like Hercules. Does he?

Yeah, it's the only reason I go. You know I've got no upper body strength. No, you're going to keep it that way so you can keep going. gorgeous he looks like Hercules. Does he? Yeah it's the only reason I go you know I've got no upper body strength. No you're gonna keep it that way so you can keep going. Tell him to watch his ankle tell him to watch out for his ankle. Well it's um Sam said be careful of your ankles. Be careful of my ankles? No I'm saying this guy Hercules should be careful of his ankle but I just remembered that that's Achilles. Sorry, don't worry about it.

He got Achilles and ankles mixed up and he was talking about Hercules. Oh my God. Yeah, I know. Can I apologize for that? And now he wants to apologize. Well, I accept it. You know me, I'm very forgiving. I'll get you a pasty from Greggs when I'm

next with you. Do you know Sam's never had a pasty from Greggs? Never had a pasty from Greggs. Never. What did he eat? I'm boycotting Greggs until both the major wars that are happening at the moment stop. Is it posh? Is Sam posh? He's boycotting Greggs, he said. Is he anti-Vinov? There's too many Gs in Greggs. He said there's too many Gs in Greggs he said. Is he anti-Vernor? There's too many Gs in Greggs. He said there's too many Gs in Greggs. Well, I don't know what to say about that but Greggs is quite highbrow. I mean if you go to Newcastle and something Manchester, Greggs have bouncers on the door. That's how protected they are. Wow. They're like the crown jewels. Yeah, I know, but with cheese and onion bakes, they're either too hot or too cold. That is true.

They need to send Goldilocks in there. Oh Stephen, it's been lovely to hear from you. Well it's been nice, you actually rang me. Well we don't know this is why. We just ring people. This one we're just ringing people. This one would just ring in people. Okay, I've got one in here, Lucy. Go for it. We need to go in this with some preparation. I've got the director Edgar Wright. Do you know him?

Edgar Wright? He made the zombie movie, Shaun of the Dead. Shit, he's a really big director, Sam. He's a big guy. What do you reckon? But this, I can't, we he really a big director, Sam? He's a big guy. What do you reckon? But this, we've got a plan. We've got a picture movie to him, surely. Okay.

It's best not to think in advance. We'll think of it on the spot. You think just go for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're always the best movies. Oh, that freaks me out. No, give me a topic. I need a topic.

No, but that's how all the best movies were made. Someone went in to pitch something and didn't have an idea and just made it up on the spot. That cannot be true. There's no way. No, honestly, the Godfather. What about complicated movies? The Godfather. No, that's not.

Do you think Francis Ford Coppola just went in and they were like, what do you reckon? And he goes, okay, it's a beautiful tapestry about the mafia and different generations and that's crazy. Of course. He planned, he met with people, he met with his nonna. No, he didn't. Nobody knew what they would do. Look at him.

Actually, that's bullshit. Sorry, I don't usually get angry, but The Godfather is based on a book. Yeah, but he just start, you just start, shit, shit, shit, what we're going to do about it, then you remembered a book he'd read. You remembered a book he'd read. What about Casablanca? No one's thought about that in advance. They do. I mean, I've never, I've actually never seen. I know it's set in the, okay. I'm freaking out. This is not so good. It'll be great.

It'll be great. Oh my God. Okay. This is not good. I feel really sick. Come on. Should I feel sick? No, you can do it.

Okay. Oh man, I just had an idea for a movie. It's about a laptop charger that sort of, that just follows all the people that have ever used that laptop charger and just of, that just follows all the people that have ever used that laptop charger and just all their different lives. So it's like a, you know, and at the end, the laptop charger comes to life. Thanks, Matt, and I hope to hear from you soon. How was that? Oh, fuck. Wait, no. Oh, fuck. Yeah. I thought that was brilliant. You did so well.

I'm just really well. I didn't think that was a good idea. You did so well. I mean, he's a massive movie director. I know. What if he makes it though? That could be pretty good. Oh, can you imagine if he rings back and he's just like, here's a hundred million.

Who do you want? Who do you want in it? He goes, well, I go, my first pick, Simon Pegg. I know you guys have got rapport. Oh, wow. I feel really, that made me feel like I'd been hit in the head. Is that good? Yeah.

I could see how much you struggle with that. Do you want Cathy Newman? We could ring Cathy Newman from Channel 4. Carol Vorderman, Deborah Meaden or Johnny Vegas. I mean all of them will be pissed off that I'm using this private contact to have for them to... You're sort of draining your clout like a cyst. It's insane. We shouldn't be doing this, but I reckon Vorderman.

Oh, God. Oh, this is hard. This is hard to do. Man, I just rang up, you're right, the big... You know, that was... Yeah, but Carol Vorderman's a nun. I pitched him an idea on his voicemail about it. What if he listens to that?

But Carol Vorderman's a numbers lady. What do you mean she's a numbers lady? She gave me her mobile number in, you know, strict confidence that I wouldn't just wing her for... Abuse it. Abuse it. It's abusing it. Well, let's go Johnny Vegas. I think he'll be pissed off with me as well. We're going to have to ring him both, aren't we? We'll ring him both. At the same time? Oh God, what a group call? No.

Like a conference call. Can you do that? I'm going to do, right, Vorderman first. I'm going to say, I can't ask her for money. So I'll say we're just, we're ringing the most famous people on our phone, on our phone contacts to see if they'll pick up and you're the most famous. I reckon you've got to pitch her something. You've got to pitch her something. I can't, I can't do that. Are we doing it? Oh God. Yeah. Say it is for charity. Say it's for Alopecia, but you've

got to say it's for something. We can't get in trouble here. This is Carol's. Oh wow. She looks great by the way. Oh, not that. Oh, she's not answering. You just got straight away no answer. I rang her and she wasn't answering. You heard the dial talk. Right, Johnny. You heard. What are you up to? Say what are you up to? Say Carol, what are you up to? Doesn't she look amazing? Carol Vorderman looks amazing. How old is she? 21? Do you know who she is, Sam? Oh yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, she's 20, 21. Right, Johnny, he's not going to be happy about this. He's been building small yurts or something. We could ask him about that. We'll go for it. He isn't answering either. I'm going to put the phone down. Right, I've put the phone down. I can't leave it too long. They've grown all these people, Lucy. They're all going to bring you back. They're all going to bring me back. Shit. Do you know who I'll really pick up? Who I'll always pick up to me.

Who's that? My granddad. My granddad. It's gonna be a beautiful one. He's never not picked up. Hello, I've got to get you on the phone. Hello? Hi granddad. Hello granddad. Well, it's so, well you know all these fights and that's going on all over the place, isn't it? I mean, you just can't believe what it must be like to live in places like that, really. Yeah.

It's awful, isn't it? Absolutely. I'm not eating Greg's until they stop that stuff. And it's not just one country, it's all over, isn't it? I know, it's awful. This is a comedy podcast though, Grandad. Oh, yeah. Alright.

Er, my comedy, I think. What about them moles in your garden? Have you still got them mole holes? Oh, yeah, yeah. But, no, I've done all that now. Oh, did you kill him? Erm, I got a guy down, yeah. Who caught him, yeah.

He killed them? A mole man? It was just one mole. Was doing all that damage, yeah. Bloody hell. He laid a trap. What did he do with it when he caught it, do you know? He left it in to the care of anybody, any of us. I see, I see. it do you know? He left it in to be carried anybody any of us.

Can I ask a question what does he think about to help him go to sleep? Sam's got a question for you grandad you can't hear Sam but he said when you need to go to sleep on a night what do you think about to send you to sleep? Tell him I'm not telling him. He's not telling you. It's a secret. Really a secret thing? OK, that's OK. I pretend I'm 18 again. He pretends he's 18 again.

Yeah. And what does he get up to? I wake up in the morning and find I'm not. Yeah. Did you know, Sam, that, you know, when I was born, my granddad was there in the hospital when I was born and he went and shaved his beard off so that it'd be the same age as me. Has he still got it?

But nobody recognized you did that because you've always had a beard. So you came in, was that right? You came back into the hospital room and no one knew who you were. Who are you more proud of, your beard or Lucy? Who are you more proud of, your beard or Lucy? Oh, that's sad, that's sad. I'd have to say Lucy. Lucy. Oh my god. Yeah, so my granddad is the father of my mum and we've had my mum on the podcast and Sam found her quite frightening I think Grandad.

He's frightening yeah, he's not the only one, he's not the only one. I found her frightening. Aww thanks so much Grandad, thanks for talking to us. Okay then. I'll ring you later on. Okay then, bye. Alright, thanks grandad, bye. Bye. Oh that was not, he's so nice. That was nice wasn't it?

I wonder if I can ring my grandma, Sible. Oh yeah, what's the time? Well she's in Australia so who knows, yeah that's going to be tough. Now I've only got her email, I can email her, but that's not really podcasting dynamite, is it? No, if you got any- Email your nana. If you got any other- I can email, I can ring my dad.

I can ring Terry. Oh, hey, Terry, how are you? I'm good, how are you? Oh, it's Susan, what the hell? Hello, I was ringing Terry. I didn't know it was going to be you, Susan. How are you, my son? Oh, my beautiful mother, how are you? Oh it's Susan, what the hell, hello. I was ringing Terry, I didn't know it was going to be you Susan. How are you my son? Oh my beautiful mother, how are you? I'm good, yeah I'm good, I'm just recording a podcast with Lucy Beaumont and we were just rigging people up, calling people.

Are you serious? Yeah, yeah. Do you want to be on the podcast? I'm not suitable. You're suitable. Don't say that about yourself. You're absolutely suitable. How about Terry? Terry's too flashy. He wants it too much. What are you up to, Susan? Have you been rowing? What are you doing? No, I've just come back from Melbourne. I've had a wonderful time. What were you doing? Garden shows. Oh, a garden show. Going to art galleries.

What a cosmopolitan woman. Did you see any garden gnomes? No, no, no. Beautiful gardens. Oh, incredible. What kind of a live thing now, am I, Samuel? You might be, I don't know. Yeah, I think so. What do you think is the future? Is your beautiful friend Lucy there? Yeah, she's here, but she can't, we've got our connection. We can't hear her. You can't hear her, but she says hello, I think. Hello. Hi, Susan.

But my question to you is what do you think is the future of gardening? Hello? The future of gardening. Rocks. Rocks. Thank you so much. I'll ring you properly after this. Your mum has got the most beautiful voice. No, she doesn't. Do you think so? I don't see you as Australian until you

speak to someone else from Australia. Do you know what I mean? I'm like, oh god, do you know Australian people? Absolutely. That was pretty thrilling that was a pretty thrilling one I thought. She's lovely, isn't she? She sounds really chilled. Is that because she's in the sun a lot? Yeah, yeah. She'd be sunbaking right now. She'd be out in there and she's just been to Melbourne for a trip. So I mean, she'd be on cloud nine really. Can you imagine if my mum had grown up there? What an easier life I would have had. My mum picks up the phone waiting for a fight. She's in fight or flight mode just constantly. Fight your aunt!

I really like your mum. Can we ring her more often? Yeah. I mean, we could get them talking. You know, my parents ride around. This is so embarrassing. They're like, oh, do you know what I mean? This is talking about worlds collide. My parents ride around, this is so embarrassing. They're like, oh, do you know what I mean? This is talking about worlds collide.

My parents ride around on a tandem bicycle together. No. I'm serious. Are you joking? My mom hates it because there's this app called Strava where you can set records for how fast you go down certain tracks. They have it, I think, for running and for cycling. My dad is trying to get all the tandem bicycle records in Tasmania, where they live. So she

wants to look at the scenery and look at the foot, but he's trying to speed along to get records. And she whacks him on the back. Well, I think we can wrap this up. I think it's been a really successful podcast personally. We've lit a flame and we've gone near a few bridges is the problem. I'm a bit worried about some of them. No, let's not worry. It's too short. Don't worry about it.

It's best I don't worry about anything ever. I do. I worry about everything all the time and it affects my sleep. Oh God. You've just got to imagine yourself when you were 18, carefree. Like my granddad. Oh, yeah. I didn't need to know that. He was so nice. He's lovely. Yeah. Maybe a bit on a downer. Oh, some of the war stuff was a bit much. No, no, it wasn't though. We've got to confront these things. Yeah.

People go, oh, that's disgusting. Turn on the fucking news. Look at what's going on in this world. Very true. Well, Sam. Okay. Well, let's, you know, Sam Campbell, signing off. This has been Lucy Beaumont and I'm not going to sign off yet. I'm going to wait around and I'm going to sign off last. I'm going to clean up and wait until you've all left the podcast room. I'm going to clean up, maybe reply to a few emails and then I'm going to sign off. Okay? Oh, really?

So when we finish these Zooms, you often stay on there and just... I stay on. More because I can't find the button that turns it on. But I'd like to say... We've got to promote our email address. Oh, sorry. Yeah. You do it, Sam.

We have got an email address and we have been getting so many emails and they are all, well, hashtag gorgeous, they're amazing. Please email us at lucyandsamsperfectbrainsatgmail.com. Please make, we want long emails, a thousand words. It's like an essay at university. It's got to be over a thousand words. And we'll read them all, all of them. Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above.

Um, hey Sam. I'm actually trying to make a film about laptop chargers right now, so what's the deal? Are you trying to blackmail me? Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. Oh I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. What if you commissioned Picasso to paint your house and he just painted it white? Would you be annoyed? Wouldn't it be good if you could pour miracle grow onto other things, such as pizzas? Have you ever thought about what a beach might be like if it was made from digestive biscuits? Have you ever tried to cry about something you're not thinking about?

If you would like to listen to a daily podcast that includes subjects I've mentioned there, then please listen to the Rob Orton Daily Podcast.