Lucy & Sam's Perfect Brains - Ep 7: Prisons

Episode Date: May 10, 2024

Sam and Lucy turn their talents to ways of reforming the prison system. Their methods are 100% well researched, economically viable, and ethically sound.Recorded by Ben Williams and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive.  Artwork by Sam Campbell. Theme music by Paul Williams and Sam Campbell. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If you are interested in seeing a live show, you really need to go to our respective and respectable websites. To buy tickets to see one of my performances, I might be coming to somewhere near you. I'm doing a bunch of different dates. It's samcambletour.com. I have a new tour starting in September and for information about tickets, you can go to my website. It's Lucy Beaubon. I can go to my website it's Lucy Beaumont I can't remember the website it's dotco.uk but if you just google Lucy Beaumont website it'll come up with it okay thank you bye you gotta know your website I got nothing but love for the voice from above I'm talking God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit. The word is good.

Are you ready to hear it? God always finds you if you're feeling lost. Jesus died for you. He was on a cross. The Holy Spirit is the name of the game. It's Lucy and Sam's perfect brains. One, two, three, four, five, six. Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. Above, above. Hello. Hi Sam. So we're going to do a podcast. Yes, yeah.

Absolutely. How are you? I'm good, I'm good. Do we need to explain what it's going to be about then, don't we? Absolutely. We are going to try and solve every murder that's happened in the last 10 years.

What, even what, only the famous ones? No, even ones that people, that already people think they've been solved. We're going to go and find out who we think really did it. Wouldn't it be like a better idea to stop murders happening in the first place? Hey, that's not bad. I don't think anyone's doing that though. They're all going, oh, why did this happen? They should be putting in place measures to say, well, you know, you've got, there's other stuff

you can do. Yeah, personally on my own, I don't think I could solve anything, but I do think together we could. Absolutely. I think what's really good about this is people don't need to know our opinion on anything. So we're basing it upon them. No one's really crying out for it, but that's sometimes, yeah, people don't know what they need. Yeah, we're checking in on each other. Yeah. So what have you been doing recently? I'm in Belfast, which is in Northern Ireland.

I've arrived here to watch a show. What's it like being an Australian in Belfast? Well, it's good because I'm here with some English people and they're all on edge because all the Irish people mock them and go, all right, Governor, and like give them a hard time. So they're out of their comfort zone and they're like, whereas now I feel a bit more, you know, at ease. Because I really realized that your geography wasn't great when we first met and you said, where do you live? And I said, I live near Hull near the North Sea.

And you said, oh, it must be great growing up by the ocean. Did you go after school? Did you swim in the ocean? And it really made me want to take you under my wing that you thought the North Sea is something you could swim in. Is it quite cold? Oh, you'd die, yeah. Just straight

away? Yeah, yeah it's like minus 12 or something, you know like it's really cold in the water. People they jump off a bridge near where I'm from to die in the North Sea. I mean could they warm it up? Sort of this global warming stuff could kind of work in our favor. People suddenly going on a holiday to home. I think it's the color of it as well. I don't know what they can you can't die from a color. Brown. You can. Oh, yeah, you can. My friend is a climate change scientist and she's trying to turn the Yarra, the river in Melbourne.

They're trying to make that she's trying to make that swimmable. Will it happen? Yeah, I think that it's getting less brown every day. Like they are sucking up the brown or however they're doing it. It's working quite well. I went to Glastonbury this year and I lost all my friends and I made friends with the Just Stop Oil protesters because I quite like their high vis coats and I spent the day with them in the end.

Really? Yeah, yeah. I was more just checking on their mental health because they were quite young and I just felt for them that we were at a music festival and they were sort of letting themselves go. I tried to show them a fun time and but I don't remember doing it but I've swapped numbers with a lot of them and I get text messages every day. You better not be using oil Lucy. It's just a reminder of how not with it I was at Blastonbury. But they asked me if I want to like share a car with them or stay at their flat and it's wonderful. Oh wow.

I know, I haven't gone on any of these matches but I'm going to have to go on one because they're going to stop asking me soon. I've got that with a friend who we're supposed to play squash and every time I can't do it and you're like, well, I've got to say we've got to play soon or he's going to go, well, this guy doesn't want to play squash. Can you play squash? Yeah, any racket sport I really love. Actually, you can see that.

What do you mean? You just look like you could play a racket game. Yeah, I love table tennis. I think it's a great, the table tennis community in London, you're going to meet people who have been in prison. You're going to meet people who are, you know, businessmen who are coming down, people of all ages. There's this old Chinese guy and he's got the most amazing serve. He's a really big guy and no one can return his serve. And he'll just ace you every time and he just giggles like a bastard.

Like, hehehehe. Does he have just quite short games with people then? Well, when he's serving, yeah. And then when you serve, you can maybe win a point back. Has he been in prison? Well, I don't think he's been in prison, no. I suppose they would have ping pong in prison. That's where people get really good, yeah.

There's a guy who apparently can play with a brick. I've never met him, but they talk about him. And he learned to play in prison and he plays with anything. How can play with a brick. I've never met him but they talk about him and he learned to play in prison and he plays with anything. How can you throw a brick? He doesn't throw it, he holds it and hits it with the brick. Oh what holds the... oh gosh, what type of prison was he in then? I'm not sure what his crime was. I mean it can't have been that bad if he's out now right? Yeah but I mean if they're letting him play with a brick, I mean, it can't have been that bad if he's out now, right? Yeah, but I mean, if they're letting him play with a brick, I mean, I've been watching the documentary about prisons. I'm really into prisons.

This is crazy. This was my idea for a segment. Welcome to my perfect prison, Paranoia, my perfect prison. I used to work in one. Did you really? My idea was perfect prison. Describe your perfect prison. That's crazy.

Perfect prison? Yeah. I worked in it. I didn't want to leave. Really? Yeah, honestly, there's a prison called Ascombe Grange in York. It's a women's open prison. And I sometimes think about doing like a low level offense if I could pick that prison.

You know, when you've got like a writing deadline. Yeah. Because everyone was, oh, they were so lovely. Really nice. And it's in its own grounds. And it's like a stately home and it's beautiful. They've got an actual ballroom.

Wow, do they frock up and wear frocks? Yeah, they don't dance in it or anything. But it's fascinating because it's an open prison, they're either at the end of their sentence. So they can go out and work and come back. It just had a really nice vibe. I taught creative writing there. Not paying your TV license. Isn't that one of the big offences that people get up to?

I don't believe it's real, the TV license. I think it's all made up. You get letters, they go, we know what you're up to. We know what you're up to. We're going to come in and see if it's warm. It used to be something I used to worry about, things like that. And now I do think it's all a conspiracy. that. And now I do think it's all a conspiracy. What would your perfect prison be? My, I was thinking would be just one, I'll just have one, one, one prisoner at a time. One person at like a week sort of thing. I just think it'd be too stressful having all those people and having to clean their cages. What cages? What do you mean by cage?

In prison, they put people in cages. There was a nightclub called Position in Hull and they had cages. They were people dancing. Yeah. I don't know if they do have cages in prison, do they? Do you mean cells? Yeah. Isn't a cell a cage? Yeah, I think it just conjures up a different image, doesn't it? But you might want a cage in your perfect prison. Yeah, I'd have one guy in a cage? Yeah, I think it just conjures up a different image doesn't it? But you might want a cage in your perfect prison. Yeah, I'd have one guy in a cage. Is it just one cage and one warden? Yeah, it'd be hard for the money I guess but... How would you have prisoners one at a time then?

Well, as soon as I was like, yeah, they've done well. Like I think they've, you know, I forgive them for what they did. Let them run free through the cornfields or whatever. And then I'd get a new guy in, I'd go, well, send us another one. And they go, we've got one guy, he's awful, he's horrible. I go, listen, I've got the time and the patience, one at a time. That's such a great idea. But what about if you had like more than one prison officer, then you could have more than one cage, couldn't you?

Or is that not the point? When you have all these prison officers, don't do they start picking on the prisoners a bit and stuff like that? Yeah, but I suppose they're not one to one, are they? I mean, if you've got the resources to have one to one, how would you know then when they could go free? Well, first of all, they'd say, I think I am ready and then I would maybe test them in some way. So I'd go, I'm just going out for it to, you know, to buy some, um, you know, just for a bit of a shop or whatever, do you want anything? And while I was away, I would spy on them and I would maybe set up a scenario. For example, if they were an arsonist or a fire, you know, a fire bug, I'd

maybe leave some newspapers and some matches, maybe some fire wood. And I go, if they, and if they did light it up, I'd come back and go, okay, you're obviously not ready. You're back to your old ways. Well, I think that could work. If they're a murderer, I'd leave an innocent person and a big knife. And if I came back and they had done something, I'd say, okay, there's more work to be done here. What if you left someone in their cage and they weren't there when you got back? Yeah, okay, what have you done here? It sounds a bit like if Mr Men made a prison, Sam. Mr Men, those guys with the curly arms. Yeah, a new story from the Mr Men in prison. I think that's sort of how it would look. I mean, Mr. Happy was sort of looking after...

Mr. White-collar crawling. Yeah, because he's serving 10 years for armed robbery. SIREN Have you worked in any...? I have worked at planting trees outside of prison. Have you? Yeah. But no real grasp of the legal system? I have worked at planting trees outside of prison. Have you? Yeah. But no real grasp of the legal system.

My sister's a corporate lawyer, I can ask her. Is she? Yeah. Oh, she could help you then. What would someone have to do to stay in the prison? Is it just to keep, they just keep walking into traps? Or that, yeah, they disrespect, if they they did disrespect me or if they weren't thankful but you know if I go I'm watching this and they go I've seen that we go oh okay sorry you have

done the wrong thing. If they're not nice to you? Yeah. Well and they don't like your film choices? Yeah. This is becoming a bit meta because will you want the criminal then do you think? No, no. The criminal then, do you think? No, no. Why do you think? No. Why do you think like that? Well I just, you know, I'm defending myself and you know, I need to be defended here. I've never done any.

I'm starting to wonder how you became the prison officer. At Warden. I just had this great idea for the one-on-one prison. They say, well yeah, give it a test. We'll give you a prisoner. We'll give you one of our worst guys who's been down in the hutch or whatever it's called. They've gone to hutchies now. If one prisoner is really bad, don't they go, okay, you're just too much. We're going

to put you in a hutch for a week. These, the words, they've gone, it's gone from cage to the hutch. I don't think it's a hutch. They call them, I'm so sure that they're always called cells. Yeah, a cell is just a cage, but they've got horizontal bars and no vertical bars. Wait, no, vertical bars and no horizontal bars, right? I just think when you think of hutch, you do think of poultry and even like a little ramp.

Like you need, like the things that go in hutches need help to get in the hutch. Yeah, well we can have a ramp. That's in the budget. So if they end up having to spend longer incarcerated because they haven't been nice to you, I want to know what your backstory is. Just someone who sees a problem in society, sees that these, you know, these prisons where it's like you got a thousand guys and what, you know, 15 guards, you just don't have all

the, you don't have eyes on all these guys, you know, causing trouble and carrying on. Were you a psychopath before you did the job? As the warden, no, perfect clean sheet of mental stability. Why are you watching videos with them? Did you say videos? Or movies, yeah. You watch movies in prison. They get movie night, Sunday night.

But not with you. Yeah, the warden watches. You're gonna watch it together. In the cellar, do they come, do you have like a- Private, private, a giant, we've got, so saving so much money by having just one,

because that's only one meal at, well, three meals a day. That's not that many meals. So we can afford to have a private cinema. Whoa. You've got a private cinema. In this prison, yeah. But you haven't put like velvet in it or anything. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Velvet, yeah, yeah. But you know, like the ones that the footballers have. This is 40X as well. So when there's action in the movie,

the seats shake and the full lux experience. And we're picturing you with your arm around them. No, not so much. No. I'll shake their hand if they've done something, you know, if they've done well and, you know, they're doing well with their homework and stuff like that. Homework. Yeah. Because as we prepare them to go back into society sort of thing. Because obviously the word that bothered me before was mhutch, but now the word homework is is is bothering me. Well they're studies you know, so we've got a library, we've got we've got you know it's a good it's a good setup. There's not you set them homework? Yeah, so if they say I want to get out of prison and get into, I mean, what's an

example of something that someone might want to get into? Horticulture. Yeah. Horticulture. Absolutely. I'd say, well, yeah, he's, you know, I'll print out some facts about mangoes and lychee's and all this stuff. And then, um, you memorize it.

We'll do a bit of a test and if that goes well, um, yeah, we'll talk on a movie. Oh my God. You said you was a gardener outside of a prison. Oh, this was, they were trying to plant 2 million trees in Brisbane. This is my real life. They were trying to plant 2 million trees. It was a great initiative. And so I was, um, it was for a company called manpower, which

sounds a bit like something. It sounds like something else, doesn't it? Viagra. Yeah. And so, yeah, my, um, I mean, I don't know how old I was at the time, 18 or something. And so I just needed a job and laboring, you know, you don't need to have gone to TAFE or anything. So I joined that initiative and was planting all these trees and meeting all these guys and it was pretty exciting.

Oh, wow. Oh, it sounds it. I just wondered if it had sort of like, that sort of shaped what you thought a prison should be with a cinema room and one guy giving homework for a guy in a hutch. I did think it seemed tough. I don't like that they make them wear those horrible orange tracksuits. I do think they should be allowed to whatever they, they should be allowed to wear whatever I want them to wear.

In Guantanamo Bay? I think in lots of prisons do they wear orange. Oh do they? Oh in America they do, don't they? Is it? I don't think they do in this country. What do they wear in England? Oh that's a good question. I think it's quite minimalist. But casual. So your perfect prison then, do we need a round up of it?

Is there still more to tell me? Um we've got a pool that's about it. Oh my god. What? You have created an Airbnb this is one of those Airbnbs where you think you're booking an entire house and you get there and the owner is there and it's just because they're lonely. That's the word the word is warden it's not an I'm not the owner I the word. The word is warden. It's not an owner.

I'm not the owner. I'm the warden. Okay. This is like just a guest house. This isn't. I'm pretty strict as well. You know, I go, you are waking up at the same time every day. They wouldn't do that at any time.

You have to wake up, you know. I don't believe this is going to help someone. I think it helps everyone. So they get rehabilitated. I get a new mate. As soon as I'm sick of them, they leave. A new mate, a new prisoner comes in. But I feel like you have mood swings and you're dictated to how you're going to treat them

by how you're feeling. Like if they don't pick the same movie that you like or don't compliment you. Well, how are they going to survive out there in society, in the real world? You know, you've got to be agreeable. I've stayed in B&Bs with people like you. They're absolutely terrifying. I was in one in York in a guest house and she came into my room. She was 80 years old and I thought her hair, she had a hair up in a bun, but her

hair like went down to like literally like her knees and she had it down and she wasn't wearing a bra and she gave me a hot water bottle in the middle of the night and I asked for more beans in the morning and she brought, I said could I just have a few more beans? And the kitchen was quite far away from where I was sitting and she brought some beans just on a teaspoon, just really slowly. That's crazy. Over to me.

I wouldn't be doing stuff like that. You remind me of her. What do you think about people with chronic illnesses? Sort it out. Sort it out. Is this chat? Is this prisoner chit chat? This is stuff I'll talk to the prisoner about. I mean, we could, yeah, the prisoner and I could have our own podcast as well. Oh, wow. Am I the prisoner? Is this what you mean? Impudentially. Aren't we all just prisoners? In a way, yeah. I get into those things into those things of like where they say like nothing exists and it's all your imagination. I read stuff like that and it does bother me.

Like we've just imagined this but nothing is real. Yeah, I think some things have got to be though. Tin openers, they're real, aren't they? Yeah, like books and you know, liquid. Yeah, I think, I see what you're saying but you know, I do think we're all part of one big, big thing, you know. It's got to be real. It's like imagine the whole thing, they're not, it's just, what are we like at the dream of some sort of, you know, brain in a jar? Yeah, I think they're going to want to have more people around them than just you.

Why? I'm more worried about them at the moment. You're worried about these criminals? These people have shirked the rules of our society? Well, they're only human though, aren't they? They've done the wrong thing. They've driven into a pharmacy so they can steal, you know, fentanyl. Fentanyl? Or any of the, yeah. You know, have you seen how they drive into pharmacies? A crash and dash. Yeah, but the cubes in pharmacies are terrible, aren't they?

I think they do it at night when the pharmacy's not open. Oh, okay. I do agree though, yeah. I went to buy ulcer medication and it took, yeah, too long. I do like herbs instead, like herbology and herbalists. Do you? Am, I don't know much about herbology. I'll always try and use a plant-based system,

science-based. herbology. I'll always try and use a plant based system science first. Yeah. And then when, when, when that doesn't work, then I'll go to the fancy. Do you like the plant based sausages? No, I don't like any of those mock meats. They're just getting it right. I think soon they will get them so they're gonna, they'll have it. I don't think they ever will. No. I think they will. It's like hair transplants. You don't notice anyone with like, no. I think they will, it's like hair transplants, you don't notice anyone with like um fake hair anymore, like you know they used to look so bad, they work on this stuff. I just think how, but like they are taking hair and putting it, transplanting it somewhere else, but they're not taking flesh and putting it in a vegan sausage,

I don't think you can reenact flesh. Yeah, they are working on it. I think soon they're going to be printing meals. What, like food stamps? No, like three, you know, these 3D printers, but with like, you know, meals. So you just print a sausage for breakfast. I can't handle 3D printers. I can't work it out. I don't get it. I don't understand. They do one layer at a time really quick, but like, and then it all sort of builds up. No, I can't. I can't. I've had myself 3D printed. They scanned me using... They did. They put me in a chamber and scanned me,

and I've got a small miniature version of myself 3D printed. Wow. Would you have a 3D printer at your prison? Oh, yeah, definitely. Really? Yeah. I'd say so. I might 3D print the whole prison so I can design it perfectly on a computer and then, yeah, definitely. Really? Yeah. I'd say so I might 3D print the whole prison so I can design it perfectly on a computer and then yeah, just print it out. Wow. I think there's a lot of people like me that can't even picture a 3D print. They don't want to

know and they can't know. They just don't get that technology. If you design something, I reckon I could get it 3D printed. I don't have that sort of mind where I can like, I once went up to a band and he was playing the guitar and I said, it's amazing that your guitar makes such a loud noise. And he said, it's not, it's the amp that's making the noise. And that's like, I can't, you know, it's almost like a caveman thing of just taking something at face value. It's a good example of how I can't understand like a circuit. I don't really understand scobies in kombucha. What's that? I think it's like this little creature that's in every kombucha that kind of makes it all happen. But this is because

you've lived in London and Brighton. Yeah. If your introduction to the UK was slightly more Northern Sam. Well, Northern people feed crisps to a baby. They go, get some crisps for baby. Yeah, I was brought up on crisps and jumbo sausage rolls because it keeps a child quiet for longer. They've got something that they can snack on. That's all it is. Now we need to, we need to, you've had some sort of problems and umbrages with my prison. I'd like to ask you Lucy Beaumont, what is your perfect prison? I think I'd like to make it very, very, like almost like, you know, the Tate Gallery, but not as boring.

Really? So even more paintings? Yeah, fine galleries just so less. And they shouldn't be because they should be fun. It'd be fun and interactive. And I'd have no harsh lines, try to make everything curved. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Like almost like a soft play. What's going on in these soft plays? Are you for them? No, they're just full of feces. Yeah, full of shit. I've heard that. Everywhere. Because they pay everyone such low wages, they don't clean it up. Oh, gosh. And it's all kind of foam, which is quite an absorbent material, right? Oh, just yeah, terrible place. I've been in a lot of them and look because I'm small, my daughter makes me go on it all with her. Yeah, you get in the soft play. And they never tell me

off because it's just I look like a child running around. And then I'm like the pied piper, other children whose parents don't want to play with them, sort of, they sort of hang off me instead. Oh, they enjoy it all. It's quite triggering for me, picturing softuring. But yeah, I would have it like I just think your surroundings are really important to how you feel. I did read about a prison. They looked into finding the most appealing color. And they found this kind of almost orange and painted or maybe it was a sort of an orangey pink. And they painted the whole prison that color and it did relax everyone for a while. But they didn't look into the long term effects of the color. So after a few weeks, all the prisoners went crazy

and started bashing each other. Really? Yeah. Oh, well, maybe I could have more mood lighting then. That changes throughout the day. Yeah. I didn't even think about design at all with my prison. It was more just like, how many guys are we getting in there? Let's just have one, then we can focus and really have a good time. But this is great.

But maybe I should bring my design into your prison. It's not a bad, we could combine prisons. I think I'd fill it with prisoners. You'd have a few prisoners. Yeah, 12,000. It's a lot. So you'd try and, you'd go the opposite way. You want to have every prisoner.

Yeah, definitely a lot. But they would all have spit, they'd like, I mean, is it just, we're no no bounds with this? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, the only obstacle is, you know, the edges of your imagination. Do you know what then? I just put them all in Universal Studios. Yeah, this is great. Yeah.

Take all the families that are trying to impress the kids away. Yeah. Take all the families that are trying to impress the kids away. Yeah. Everyone that goes, I've been to Disney and Universal and everyone that goes, I think they're terrible people. Yeah, I don't really like the mouse. I don't like Disney, but yeah, some people they've dedicated their life. I know like adult people who go that, you know, childless people and they go on holidays there and stay and they get other smells and... It's a terrible place. I'd take everyone out there and make them go on a proper holiday. Yeah, go camping. Go camping.

Exactly. Do adult things. I would just say, you know, you're a parent. You can't relive your childhood. Your children just want to spend time with you. Go camping. And then I would put all the prisoners in Universal. And Disney as well? And Disney, yeah. Are they allowed to go on the rides? Yeah, they can do whatever they want, but they'll have like therapy sessions and stuff.

I'd have like a therapist for every prisoner. So what's that 12,000 therapists? That could work. No, I don't. I want between five. Oh yeah, that works out. That could work. No, I don't. I want between five. Oh yeah, that works out. Yeah, yeah. And it is all very holistic. It's about sort of showing them love and care and attention. But there's no point remaking something when I think universal will be fine for them.

I don't need to rebuild the prison. Yeah, you've already got the space. Yeah, yeah. Maybe you were describing this sort of curvy mood, maybe that could be where you are in like, you know, they often have a tower up in the middle prison where you can look at all the prisoners. So you could live in a kind of a nice place in the middle. No, I don't want to look at them. No.

I don't want to be there on a daily basis, if that's okay. Oh, yeah. Well, you've got a whole yeah yeah touring and stuff yeah. Yeah so I just um I'll check in yeah but not even on my phone like a pager do you remember the pagers? So the prisoner's fine is that what it sends you text? Yeah yeah. Yeah prisoners are great fantastic. Yes yeah that that That should do it. Yeah. Just an update. Yeah. Maybe a spreadsheet. An Excel spreadsheet. Yeah. Like a weekly of how many have escaped, how many have gone and how many have got back. Yeah. You just look at that. Sounds good. What kind of food are we serving? Is it just the stuff at the park? Oh, maybe the stuff at the park, but there does need to be more vegetables.

So true, the greens. Yeah, I've just started growing veg. I've got really, really into it. I can see how it takes over your life. Oh, gardening sort of thing. I added it up. I think I've spent £800 on growing some sweet corn and a few carrots. The soil costs so much money. Is the soil the big cost? The soil is a big cost when you get it wrong, when you order tons of it rather than bags. Oh, you've got too much soil. Oh, I've got so much soil. I'm quite embarrassed how much soil I've got. It'll come in handy, you never know when you'll need that.

It's but it came on like a forklift truck with a big and it's just in my driveway. I can't do anything with it. We're talking like an industrial size that I bought. I just thought it was good soil. I thought it was good in them little bags. I thought that's why it was expensive. I mean, I feel like you can do some, you've got to do something with this soil. Over the years, I will, but obviously it's too much. But yeah, but I've grown sweet corn and carrots.

Yeah. And I do think it's really important for people to grow things. So we would have to make an allotment somewhere that will really help. Would you have done anything like that or is it more just ping pong and making them watch films you like? Yeah, just order in delivery sort of thing. It does feel like yours is more about surveillance than mine.

There is a lot of surveillance, yeah. One prisoner, thousands of cameras. It sounds mental. It does sound a bit mental. Did you ever go to Asterix World in France? No. That's a theme park based on Asterix, the comics. And I went there as a child when I was 10 and I don't remember anything about it. So I don't know what happened there. Oh, what it's's got it's erased from your memory. Yeah I remember like so my parents um tricked me they were oh we're gonna go to is it Disney World or Disneyland in France in Paris.

Oh yeah Disneyland I think. So they said we were going there and my sister was so excited and then we turned up and it was Asterix World. It was like well you didn't didn't think we'd notice? But then we went in and I don't remember anything and I don't remember the next day. So what's going on there? And they drugged you. Maybe some of these Visigoths, I don't know. What did you say? The Visigoths.

In Asterix, there's all like the Druids and the Visigoths. Visigoths? Yeah, the Romans, just all these different sort of cultures. And were you disappointed? Did you want to go to- No, I wanted to go to Disneyland. Well, why did they do that? I don't know, they're sick people.

It happened years later, they said we were gonna see the Hobbit, the Desolation of Smaug, and then we went to see Philomena. And it was like, you can't say we're doing one thing and then we do this other thing. Why, why would you do that? Cause they didn't think you'd see the thing that they originally wanted to take you to.

I think it's money. Oh gosh, and then... I think they were cutting corners. This is why then you became a prison officer. It might, that might fold into that. Yeah, they're kind of scared. Oh heck. Oh, I feel really bad for you. That's terrible. Oh, it's not that bad. It is. That's really wrong of them. Asterix well-found shit.

It was pretty shit. You don't read the Asterix comics and go, oh, this should be a theme park. No, you don't. And it'll have been all in French, I bet. No, I mean, I didn't mind that. I like, yeah, yeah. Do you like the language? I do like French.

Can you speak French? Papito. No, no. No. When people say they like the language they usually know some of it. Oh no, no. I wouldn't know any of it. I know house is the same. I don't know any either but we went to France and my daughter asked me if I knew any and I just said totally catch chat on le mat. She was really happy with that.

That's all I wanted to ever know. I think, I mean, I know like with like Cortez and, I mean, it's like all this stuff with the Aztecs, that was just like a peasant girl that was, you know, going between the Spanish people and the Aztecs. It was just like, there was like one girl who could speak both languages and she was like, you know, these great empires were both resting on just this one peasant girl.

Really? Yeah. So she could have really spun that either way and be like, like depending on which way she wanted to. Yeah. Wow. I didn't know that. Yeah.

I don't, I'm pretty vague on the details, but I think there was this girl who was like kind of, not respond, she shouldn't feel bad at all, but I think the fall of the Aztec empire was a bit on her. Oh, that's a lot, isn't it? It is, yeah. But maybe she wanted that. She's like, I don't like these Aztecs. Some of the sacrifices are a little inappropriate. Yeah, it's a fascinating time.

I do think aliens came down at around that time and helped them. Oh, definitely. I totally believe that they did help make pyramids and they did show them what the solar system was and they did bring like compassion and empathy. Oh you reckon they didn't have that? Humans didn't have that sort of thing? No, no. They did seem a bit bloodthirsty and brutal back then so maybe yeah. Yeah, do you think that?

I think those prisons sound great. Would you like to do a roundup? Let's round this up. So yeah, the aliens, we do think that the Aztecs were influenced by the aliens and, you know, to them compassion and kindness and some of that kind of stuff. We do think that you have had issues in your childhood with disappointment. My childhood was fine. And so you are perfectly placed to have an individual prisoner with a cinema room and a pool. And depending on how you feel on the day, we just don't know. There seems to be a lot of levels to you.

Whereas you're going to bring up Universal Studios. Hey, I know you guys have sort of a business operation there with families and stuff. We are going to put dangerous criminals there. I'm going to run the joint from a spreadsheet. I'm not going to spend too much time on it. Well, that is our perfect prison then, doesn't it? Pretty perfect. We've sorted the prison system. It needs more focus, doesn't it? Oh, I forgot to mention the electric chair. Oh, okay. I want you to know those chairs at the airport. They give you a massage. I want to have a couple of those. Yeah, definitely some of those. But they don't they don't electrocute people. No, they just massage them.

Oh, so you don't mean electric chair on death row? Oh, we'll have one of those as well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I thought you'd have a death row. More like a deaf avenue. I can picture you having. Okay. So this hasn't become a roundup. This is definitely an extension. When you said, oh yeah, I'll definitely have deaf rear. So do you want to electrocute people on massage chairs? No, that'll be a different chair. That's for the good times. There's the massage chairs. Oh, so you've got two tapes and you could sit in the wrong one. Maybe outside their cage, there's both the chairs.

Just to remind them, okay, this could go either way. Do you wanna have a good time? Do you wanna relax with a mate? No. Okay, we're sorted. I think we can all gather what the both prisons are gonna be like. Yeah, text in at 19386,

which prison would you like to be incarcerated in? Perfect. That is our perfect prison. It's great to join the podcast revolution with you. Done. Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. Hello, it's Rob Orton here. Now I've got a podcast called the Rob Orton Daily Podcast.

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