Lucy & Sam's Perfect Brains - Ep 8: Year Delve Reloaded

Episode Date: May 17, 2024

The past has a real knack for devouring the future doesn't it? Lucy and Sam swore under oath to never do another Year Delve after the events of 2011. They have broken the rules and risk certain banishment. Thank you to everyone who listens to this - you will be rewarded so handsomely in the next life.Recorded by Naomi Parnell and edited by Aniya Das for Plosive.  Artwork by Sam Campbell. Theme music by Paul Williams and Sam Campbell. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If you are interested in seeing a live show, you really need to go to our respective and respectable websites. To buy tickets to see one of my performances, I might be coming to somewhere near you. I'm doing a bunch of different dates. It's samcambletour.com. I have a new tour starting in September and for information about tickets, you can go to my website. It's Lucy Beaubon. I can go to my website it's Lucy Beaumont I can't remember the website it's dot co dot UK but if you just google Lucy Beaumont website it'll come up with it okay thank you bye you gotta know your website I got nothing but love for the voice from above I'm talking God Jesus the Holy

Spirit the word is good are you ready to it? God always finds you if you're feeling lost. Jesus died for you, he was on a cross. The Holy Spirit is the name of the game. It's Lucy and Sam's perfect brains. One, two, three, four, five, six. Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. Hello to you, little boys from above. I'm talking God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit. The word is good, are you ready to hear it?

God always finds you if you're feeling lost. Jesus died for you, he was on a cross. The Holy Spirit is the name of the game. It's Lucy and Sam's perfect brains. One, two, three, four, five, six. Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. Hello to you, Lucy. Hello to you, Sam Campbell.

Do you know Campbell's, the brand? Are you familiar with them? It's a very English brand. Oh, the soup? Yeah. And I think the meatballs as well. Oh, I've never been called a meatball. No, I didn't know that they had a meatball involved. I've never had the soup either, I don't think.

Really? I think everyone would be quite surprised to hear that. Wow. It's pretty crazy to start an episode with an exclusive like that. It's true. It's true. Hopefully people don't switch off after they get, you know. They're goss. Everyone just wants goss. People are always like, what's the goss?

What's the goss? What's the goss lately? People are just after goss. People do want goss. Do you have any gossip about anyone sort of influential? I think I do actually. Do you? Yeah. I mean, you're no stranger to scandal after recently being attacked by a bee.

Who would have thought it, Sam? You don't know you're allergic until you're stung, do you? Because you've been bitten before, not bitten, but stung, by how many wasps? I've been stung by two wasps and one didn't do anything to me and one gave me an anaphylactic shock. So you're allergic to bees and some wasps? Yeah, I didn't think and everyone was with me didn't think like you're allergic. It just made me go like shaky but it turns out I am allergic to bees quite badly.

And how big was the bee if you don't mind me? It was absolutely massive. I was locking the door to an Airbnb and it just on my neck just, oh, and then my neck swirled up. And it latched in, didn't it? Yeah. This is, I did, oh, like the wasp. I remember the wasp like it did it and then when this, it was stuck in, like I could feel it stuck in.

I had to like grab it and it's little fairy buzzing body. This is new, this is, can we say just quickly a new sort of, I think blanket rule, no hairy animals. No, I mean, let's just, of course hairy animals, only mammals should be allowed to have hair. We don't want to see any more hairy insects. They don't need it. They don't need it.

They don't need it. They don't need it. They don't need it. A hairy caterpillar, why do you need to be hairy? There's men out there who are losing their hair who need it and there's some caterpillar going around. We don't do what you do. We don't, well, I don't have eight legs. I don't get to go to a cocoon and reinvent myself as a whole new being.

Yeah. It's dramatic, isn't it? It's very dramatic. And then like, there's other that you think, well, why don't you like frogs? Why don't frogs have hair? Surely they need it. Yeah. A hairy toad, perhaps. Hairy toad, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think we should have allergies as well. What are they? Like why, why does your body freak out?

Is it just, is it just to keep us humble? Just to be like, yeah, don't get too big for your boots, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Maybe. Is that the like hangover from when we were aliens? Do you think? Do you know?

Do you know? Yeah. So you're saying that's what we, we were aliens and we you think? Do you know like- Do you know- Yeah, so you're saying that's what we, we were aliens and we are punished to live on this sort of prison planet until we sort of- My theory, yeah, my theory is that we were all animals. So we were all like animal, you know, obviously like we came from the sea and then like from chimps and stuff. And then we were just like, I think

aliens came. Forget Campbell Soup, I'm from the Primordial Soup. I think aliens have come onto Earth at different points in civilization to advance us. So I think that became like once when we were like chimps and then like reproduced with us so that we would then like be able to like learn, you know, um, like fire and how to make fire. Um, and then I think they came again, like, you know, and it was the pyramids. And so I think some people are a bit more alien than they are animal. Right.

Yeah. No, that, yeah. So they almost come for a bit of a master class. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think sometimes I can tell when some people have got a bit more alien in them. Do you believe in aliens? Yeah, I do. Absolutely. I would do anything to collaborate with an alien. Well, yeah. there was a man that got abducted in Todmorden and then he told the Daily Mail and then basically actually like men in black from MI5 came to his house and said, yeah, we know they exist. We totally believe you, but please stop talking to journalists.

Oh, yeah. God. stop talking to journalists. Oh yeah. God. Okay. Let's have a new, let's have a promise. If you meet an alien, but they say, don't mention it. We should have like a code word that we can say to be like, I have that word. We should, if I meet an alien, we should definitely have them on this podcast. Absolutely.

They should definitely come on. Dream guest, dream guest. I'd say Bob Mortimer or an alien would just be perfect. Today we are continuing our delve through the years. Basically, we've written down every year that we've been alive and we draw, somehow we've got different systems, but a year is selected and we discuss that year in incredible detail. We thought we'd get through a couple, but last time we got stuck and we only did 2011. Should I draw one out from my, I've got it in a plastic bag this time, all my years?

Go for it, Sam. Okay. A year has been chosen. You're not going to, this is serious. It's 2012. We've got to start shortly, right? The Olympics, no? Was it? It was the London Olympics, yeah.

Oh, was it? Oh God, yeah. Is that something that did, I mean, yeah, what was your involvement? Just everywhere, like suddenly pretending that everyone's not lazy and flawed. Somehow we're all like bloody gymnasts and we're all interested in decathlon for some strange reason. Oh, decathlon, that's sort of a French share. Do you know decathlon? It's like a sporting goods store.

Oh, I've heard. I've heard, yeah. Yeah, they're all French. If you want to buy a hockey stick from a French guy, that's where I'd go. Oh, I've heard, I've heard, yeah. Yeah, they're all French. If you want to buy a hockey stick from a French guy, that's where I'd go. Oh, really? And my friend and I used to play table tennis at the decathlon in Waterloo. Was it Waterloo? Yeah, around there.

We at the shop, they had a display table that you could play on and things got pretty serious. Oh, really? Oh, that's good. That's giving something back to the community, isn't it? Well, yeah. That you spoke, yeah. I mean, there'd be troubles, like there'd be big fights and stuff. But table tennis is actually pretty gnarly.

I feel like, cause a lot of people learn to play in prison and they bring that energy onto the, into the outside. Yeah. Yeah. I do like it. I like, I like, I do like it. I like, I like, I like ping pong. Why, why, why the two names? Do you think, do you think one sort of humiliates the other one a bit?

Yeah, absolutely. And they're both sort of similar in that they both start with the same letter. Yeah, but why would you need, why would you need ping pong if you've already called it table tennis? It could be a case of maybe it did start as a code word. People are like, you're not playing table tennis. And then someone says, well, how about a bit of ping pong? I don't know. Things do split off. I don't want to get into it with the Catholics and the Protestants, but things do split off. So there could have been a schism at some stage.

I mean, I've talked about this before, but Pope fever. Do you know what I'm talking about? When every TV show was about the Pope, it was like the young Pope, the two Popes, we were all into Popes. And now I feel like no one's really into the Pope as much. Oh, they are in Italy. Oh yeah. In Vatican City, I think they're really interesting.

Yeah. Funny place, isn't it? Italy. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. I do. I think they've really nailed a few things. Yeah.

I just think there is an overreliance on pasta. I think pasta's so overrated, really. Really? I think pasta has just done so well for what it is, really. Because it's actually the sauce that does all the work. Yeah, you think pasta has been getting a bit of a- Pasta takes the glock. Pasta has been getting a free ride.

It's the glock. Pasta has been getting a free ride. It's not the pasta, it's the sauce. No one has dry pasta. It's the sauce. This bee that has attacked you has injected you with some of its venom. You like some of these opinions and I can't believe it. I hope no nones are listening to this. 2012.

So yeah, where were you? You didn't see any Olympic events. You didn't go down to watch, I don't know. I mean, the thing is, it was almost abusive in how it was televised because there was no one in this country that could get away from the Olympics. What did you think of the mascots Wenlock and Manderville? Who were they? Did you know Wenlock and Manderville? They were the two London mascots.

If you Google 2012 London Olympic mascots, you will see these guys and maybe your opinions will change. Oh, wow. Yeah. Are they based on sperm? Oh, they could be. They are. They've got legs.

Is it cartoon sperm? Yeah, they've got big eyeballs, but they've got they've got legs. Sperm don't have legs. Mine don't. How do they? OK. Well, what is it meant to be? It's so hard to say. Yeah. When Locke and Mandeville?

Yeah, when Locke and Mandeville. Do you think, do you like them, Art? How do you feel about them? I think they're great. Yeah. I think they're futuristic. They're unreal. They get me into the, into the mood for sure.

Oh really, there's one here that says the design features on them. They're very weird. The head shape represents the three medals won in each Olympic event. They've got a taxi light on them inspired by London's black taxi. They've got bracelets around them for the five colors of the Olympic rings. And they record everything. What do you mean they record everything? Their face is meant to be a camera because they record everything. Oh, and what is that? That represents that we're living in a surveillance capital.

Yeah, it's the future, isn't it? It's representing the future. Yeah, Wemmock and Mandeville are so strange. I think there's something a bit odd about it, if you ask me. I think I won the New Comedy Award in 2012. Oh, congratulations. I think I won the New Comedy Award in 2012. Oh, congratulations. I think so.

Tell me about the BBC New Comedy Award. Well, it came about for me at the right point, really, because I wasn't getting many gigs because I was a woman and it was very sexist at that time. And you would email to a promoter and they'd say, sorry, we've had a woman on this month. Oh my gosh. We might get in touch with you.

Some of them didn't even have any women on. They just, they just was this thing at that point of like, they just aren't funny. And our audiences really don't like it when you put a woman on. And, you know, some, some would say you might get a bit of grief because, you know, they just don't like seeing female comics and the females in the audience would just be as bad as a comedy star. They would throw cans at you.

They just would look really embarrassed and like turn away. I'll start talking. I'll go to the toilet. Like they would, they would sit, they would sit and watch the male acts, but then they would use any female act as a chance to go for a lube break. That's so nasty. They're missing out on some great gags. They just didn't think you did have any. It was quite hard to get really good at comedy because I got an agent really quick because I did the So You Think You're Funny at comedy because I got an agent really quick because I did the, so you think you're funny competition.

That's another tournament. Yeah. And then I came second for that. And then my agent, I got an agent and they said, you need to gig every night, but I couldn't because no one would book me. So winning the new comedy award meant that I could get gigs. They'd now, they would book me because I was the winner. So it was quite bittersweet really. I was annoyed that the same promoters that were turning me away, it was the same material,

you know, were now giving me a gig. Yeah, they're interested in how you've got a crown on your head. Isn't that the way? People just want someone who's been given the stamp of approval. Yeah, yeah. So it was the start of standup for me, really, 2012. Wow. That's exciting.

Who did you sort of leave in your wake? Who could we find in a puddle of, you know, who did you defeat in that final? I think the wonderful Sunil Patel. Oh yeah, he's really nice. He pops up in a lot of ads for banks. Yeah, he's a lovely guy. I wanted to text him when I saw him in the ad for the bank, but I was like, he probably

knows he's in that ad. The standup world, it is interesting thinking about like what, we sort of did this in 2011 as well, because that is sort of when we was, I started around the same time. We were causing trouble and we lived in an old nunnery and we do shows in the, and we found all these weird jars that the nuns, I guess, were doing experiments and stuff like that. Really? Yeah.

And we do shows downstairs because that sort of- Would you? Yeah. So it started in Brisbane, which was a bit tough. It was good. Like there was lots of gigs, but they were tough. The audience definitely didn't want to see it. So we'd put, you know, we wanted to get our sort of people, young people, whatever.

So we'd do shows in our own house so we could cause trouble and show videos. Oh, that's brilliant. Yeah, we all lived together in this massive, it was like, yeah, well, there'd been, I don't know how many nuns they were fitting in there. A bunch, I guess, if they were stacking them. But yeah, so we all had these sort of multiple rooms in this old, and some of them were very creepy, strange rooms. And yeah, in the downstairs, we'd put on these big shows. Wow. And who's we? How many of you? What's there? It sort of changed. Like people would sort of come and go. A lot of comedians, some people

who weren't comedians who I really feel sorry for, like imagine getting thrown into that house. comedians who I really feel sorry for. Imagine getting thrown into that house. Yeah, and my friend Greg, he went vegetarian at the time. But then there was a massive rock. It was basically this big nun stone. It was a big stone outside that had the Virgin Mary was carved into it.

If you can picture that, a massive rock that they'd carved the Virgin Mary into. And that was outside his room. And he said, you know, I've become vegetarian, all this. And then we found all these empty packets of honey baked ham outside, behind the nun rock, the nun stone. So he'd been secretly eating them and stashing them behind this, behind the Virgin Mary. Yeah. stone. So he'd been secretly eating them and stashing them behind this. Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah. Yeah, he sort of got busted.

Oh, God. It sounds amazing. Yeah, it's one of these, it was definitely an interesting time. It was a wild time. I feel like there's a lot of wildness. Oh, did you have a lot of parties? It was a bit of that and it was just people were feral and I don't know, you've got a strange diet and you're all over the shop living in this. I lived in some strange places definitely. Have you lived in anywhere as strange as a nunnery?

Yeah, I lived in sort of a shed for a while. You lived in a shed, Sam? Yeah. And there was a lot of sort of like lawnmowers and things, or like stuff that had like fuel in them that I could definitely, I think has affected me to this day. In the shed, yeah. And you just don't want to be in the shed where there's like a saw and there's tools and you just don't want to be in the shed where there's like a saw and there's tools and you just don't want to be in the same. You want those

things but just not in this so close to you. No, they're not cozy, are they? No, no. And you think that there was chemicals in there that have affected you now? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Part of me is still really in that shed. Where were you living in 2012? I was living in a bit of a commune really, like a massive shed house. It was this beautiful Georgian house and I was living with some very artistic friends and they had very artistic

friends and it was wonderful. I'd come down in the morning and they'd have had a party, because I was right up in the attic, and they'd have had a party. And it was just be full of like Finnish art students or like Norwegian theatre companies. It was wonderful. They had great parties. It was lovely.

But eventually they sold the house. I would have lived there for years. I was living with very lovely people. I think in 2012, people would enter your life more. You never knew you'd meet a Finnish person. I think there was just more chances to meet strange people. I guess I've lost a bit of the wonderlust or something. I think back then I was just, yeah, you'd wake up and you never knew what you'd find behind the nun stone. No, yeah, that's right. So what else happened in 2012?

Mass spider webs covered the flood affected areas in Australia. Do you remember that? I do, yeah. There'd been all this flooding, like really horrible flash floods, and then they were finding a bunch of mass webs all around the place. The spiders were going crazy. Wow. And black people thought it might be Spider-Man.

I think, well, maybe my theory is even more sort of balmy, but I think they thought that the spiders were trying to help because there'd been so much damage and people had lost their homes and stuff like that. The spiders were trying to help doing their part, which is nice. Do you think they was? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? They're like, oh, we'll help out.

We can make stuff and we're like, we don't live in webs, but thank you so much. Oh, and there was a bizarre internet craze where you put a loaf of bread on your cat's head. Like I put its face through it. So it like framed your cat. So you'd cut or you eat or you'd cut a hole in the, okay. What do you think about that? I really liked that kind of thing. Yeah, so basically you get a slice of bread, you'd cut a hole or bite a hole into it and

then the cat would put its head through there and you'd see what happened. Yeah, yeah. I think it's mean, but it looks funny. Do the cats not like being sort of? The cats don't like anything though, so I just think fuck them. You might as well get amusement. I mean, what do cats like? So that was a big craze.

I don't remember that in 2012, people shoving cats through the room. No, maybe it was just in the UK. Tell you what else happened. A chicken nugget resembling George Washington attracts 5,000 pounds on eBay. Now we are talking. Yeah. It doesn't look like George Washington. It does. eBay. Now we are talking. Yeah. It doesn't look like George Washington.

It does say, we're looking at this nugget and it doesn't look like him at all. It looks more like president Taft. That's crazy. What, how much did it go for? 5,000. Mental. did it go for? Five thousand. Mental. And the other news story was, it became an internet sensation. A dapper monkey found wandering around Ikea. It was walking aimlessly in a fair coat around an Ikea car park in Canada. The monkey was spotted at Toronto Ikea in

an ill-fitted tunic. Ill-fitting? There it is in its tunic in a fair coat. So a monk, this is in 2012. This has been a very ripe year with many juices. The 2012, a monkey was found in the Ikea wearing a fur coat. Yes. What was he doing? Is there any, was there any follow-up to this?

I think he was looking for candles, tea light candles. What else would he be doing? It's some cheap photo frames and a toast mug. Yeah, just wandering the aisles. Why is it wearing a fur coat? That is so outrageous. I think that's the year that they said it was all going to be over, in 2012. The Mayan calendar, the Aztecs. Really? Oh my goodness.

Don't you remember that? Was that another one of these big dates? There's been a lot of those type of dates, hasn't there? And I've believed them all. I think we need another one. I think I liked the Millennium Bug and I liked the 2012. I think it makes you get your act together when you've got someone saying it's all going to go down. I was disappointed with that though, was you?

I was ready for it. The Millennium one? The Millennium one? Yeah. I think I was busy making a lantern for the celebrations. Yeah. It would take you a long time to make it. Yeah.

Yeah. We worked really hard to bring in the new year. Everyone had to, you know, we had to have a really, I mean, my mum was doing a lot of the work, but I was supervising. I was sort of involved. Yeah. That's wonderful. I was, well, I wasn't upset.

I was relieved that Putin didn't, you know, push the button and nuke us. I thought he was gonna wipe us out and that he had the nuclear capacity to wipe us all out. And I was looking into bunkers, I got in touch with a guy to get a quote for a bunker. Yeah. Because it never happened. I said to him, I'll ring you back.

I'm just gonna have a think about it. And I don't know now whether to go for the bunker. I think most people have bunkers and they are like, I think so many people I know have a bunker and just won't. You're one of the few people who admits to, no, seriously. Do you really? Yeah. I am so paranoid that lots of people I know have bunkers that are all connected via sort of tunnels and they're all meeting up. Oh God.

Do you think a conservatory is just a bit of a whitewash for a bunker? They say, oh, they've got a new conservatory, but really they've had a bunker as well. It's one of these things that you find out about. You're like, what? We were supposed to, oh my God, no one told me. And they go, you're supposed to just infer and understand that you need a bunker. You've cracked this thing wide open. I think most people have bunkers. You've busted this. Do you have one?

No, I don't. And I want one so badly, but I live on like the 11th floor of a building. So I don't, I'd have to ask them, can I, I don't know how I'd, badly, but I live on the 11th floor of a building, so I'd have to ask them, can you have a bunker without having a home? I think so, because you can have an allotment without having a garden. I might just get that, just get a small patch of land and then just have my bunker under there. Yeah, you could buy a garage somewhere, like a lock up and dig under it, in it.

What was your plan for your bunker? How do you go on as far as to make some designs and what would you chuck in there and what would be in there? Obviously safety was key, so it was just to withstand a nuclear holocaust. That was my only brief. Yeah. What are we looking at here? Well, but maybe a water feature outside.

Oh, outside as in on top? Yeah, yeah, to cover it. Yeah. Oh, great. And would that be a clue that would the water feature contain clues that there was a bunker underneath sort of thing? Yeah, like a child screaming, like a statue. Wow. Oh, I'd love to have that guy on. We should chat to him, this bunker.

Yeah, I think it's called Ray. The real guy, he really makes bunkers. He is one of those bunkers. He is one of those where he's always preparing for a nuclear holocaust. Oh yeah, they're called preppers I think. Yeah and it's good because he's so paranoid about it. He's a good salesman because he's like, you're saying like he's like, how have you not got one already? Like we better get this sorted. God I'm so, oh I need a bunker immediately. It's a hangout as well. It'd be a great place to hang out like in that 70s show, you know, where they go downstairs and it spins around?

Oh, no. Oh, that's a TV show where they'd go downstairs and the camera would spin around and it was pretty fun. And who would you be linked up with your bunker? So would it have tunnels to other destinations? Oh, it'd be lovely. That's the dream. Also, it's each man to themselves. I just think it gets complicated if you're rationing food. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, it gets to a point when people are,

then you need a bunker for your bunker. Yeah. I just, I don't like going to tapas. I don't think I'm going to be able to share food with people in another bunker. Yeah. Oh, do people who have bunkers go down there just to prepare? They're like, well, this could become my life, my existence. Do they go down there just to acclimatize themselves and spend time down there and have a bit of me time?

Definitely, because they've spent a lot of money on it and there hasn't actually been a nuclear threat. I think they go down there to imagine what it'd be like and. Yeah. Otherwise it's a waste of money. Yeah, you want to get some use out of your bunker. Oh God, I want one. How far down do you go?

Is it like a hundred meters into the earth? I don't think it's that far at all, to be honest. It's just sort of underground level. Oh really? Yeah. I thought they were really far down. I think like the government ones are, but I think the ones that Ray makes. Ray's bunkers.

Ray, yeah. If you're listening to this and you've got a bunker, email in at Lucy and Sam's perfect brains at gbell.com and share us some photos of your bunker. And we want to do a virtual tour of it. And we want to come and visit you in your bunker and eat some of your biscuits. I think we can gather that not that much happened in 2012 that we want to talk about. That's what we've learned. I mean, you became a champion at the BBC New Comedy Award.

Yeah, you lived in a nunnery. Yeah, I did live in a nunnery and that monkey was found. I can't believe it was, there's something wrong about wearing a fur coat, I think. Well, it doesn't need it. Back to your thing about insects with fur. Do animals have already got fur need fur coats? Need fur coats. No. Surely we're not going to get blow back on that. That's great.

That's like a Furby made from real fur. It's just, there's something wrong about it. Yeah. Like a hairy person doesn't need a fur coat either. The only people that need fur coats are beautiful, beautiful, rich, older women. And they look very glamorous and sophisticated. And don't you look elegant this evening, my dear. So true.

Well, that's it, isn't it? That's it. I think we've crossed off another year. Yeah. We've, yeah, 2011 and then, yeah, I mean, by 2012. Hopefully we, I mean, I'd love to get, to rip into the 90s or even some of the more recent years. Yeah. Well, let's see what happens.

Absolutely. Are you still enjoying this premise of choosing a year? No. Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. Hello it's Rob Orton here. Now I've got a podcast called the Rob Orton Daily Podcast. It's a short poem or story or amusing on a particular subject every single day. What if you commissioned Picasso to paint your house and he just painted it white? Would you be annoyed? Wouldn't it be good if you could pour Miracle Grow onto other things, such as pizzas?

Have you ever thought about what a beach might be like if it was made from digestive biscuits? Have you ever tried to cry about something you're not thinking about? If you would like to listen to a daily podcast that includes subjects I've mentioned there, then please listen to the Rob Orton Daily Podcast.