Lucy & Sam's Perfect Brains - Ep17: Hospitals

Episode Date: July 19, 2024

Aches? Pains? Low morale? Coma patient? Dr. Lucy B and Consultant Samuel C will see you now. Recorded and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive.  Artwork by Sam Campbell. Theme music by Paul Williams and Sam Campbell. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. I'm talking God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit. The word is good. Are you ready to hear it? God always finds you if you're feeling lost. Jesus died for you. He was on a cross. The Holy Spirit is the name of the game. It's Lucy and Sam's perfect brains. One, two, three, four, five, six. Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. Hey Sam! Hi Lucy, what's going on?

Nothing much, dropped my child at school. You dropped your child? I dropped my child at school. Oh, at school. Yeah, and I just thought, how amazing that this is free. They look after your kids for free. And they teach them a thing or two. And they teach them and they feed them.

They feed them? Yeah, they feed them. What kind of stuff happens at the school gate? What happens? Yeah, is it a scene? Oh yeah, there's politics. Really? Oh yeah, there's all sorts going on.

How are you? What have you been up to, Sam? I had an incident, well not an incident, but I was outside and there was a bucket, I was just on the street, there was a bucket full of doorknobs and I didn't know what was going on with that. Really? Yeah. So without really thinking, I took it inside and then later I thought, what am I going to do with these? And also these aren't mine, these maybe belong to someone. So I

took them back outside and well, these, like a couple saw me. And I think they, so now they're thinking that I just put them out there. I couldn't say like, oh no, someone else put these out here and I took them inside for a bit and then realized that that could cause more troubles. Why did you take them inside in the first place? I just thought, oh, these could come in handy or I don't know. I just thought, yeah, just, you know, spotted a bar. I thought I'd spotted a bargain. Yeah.

Was it just like a natural reaction? I've got all my doorknobs as well. Was that what you look around and thought, I don't need them? Yeah, I don't need replacements. And were they like knobs or were they handles or a mixture? And they were all the knobby ones, like what you'd see on a dresser. Wow, were they like old? They, I don't, yeah, maybe I could have sold them on one of those shows.

I could have had them appraised. They might still be out there. Have you checked on them? I haven't been out since. God, that was about, I'd say that was about 30. Oh my God, that, that cat all have been like from one house, do you think? I don't know what they'd been stripped from,

but there was not like a vein nearby. What if it's someone who's been nicking doorknobs? Oh, do you think it's a thief? Yeah, and then they've just thought, actually, this is my lifetime's worth of doorknobs that I've stole over the years, and I'm just gonna put them back. Maybe it's from that street.

Oh, and over the years, they've stolen everyone's doorknobs.. Yeah and people think it's you now. You've implicated yourself. You think they think I'm the door knob nabber? The door knob nabber? The door knob nabber yeah. They were only inside for about 15 minutes this bucket. Oh right oh that's fine. Yeah I didn't have them overnight or anything. To all the people who are accusing me of having them overnight, I didn't have them overnight or anything. To all the people who were accusing me of having them overnight, it's not true. Do you normally take things off the street?

Maybe I do, yeah. I like a community book box. Oh, do you have one of that? Oh, that's nice. Yeah, there's not always great stuff in there. It'll often be like a book about, like from the perspective of a dog in the war. You know what I mean? It'll be like

some really brave dog from its perspective. But every now and again you'll find you know a Sally Rooney or something a little more. Oh that's good. I like looking in skips. I've been taught to scramble about in skips from a young age. My mum used to hoist me up when I was a kid and have a look around in a skip to see what I could find. Oh, you'd get into the skip? Yeah, I would actually get into it. Yeah, right in the middle to get to retrieve the stuff. Wow. What was some of your prized finds? I remember once we got a picnic basket, a chair, a lamp, all sorts. And it's stuff that really, you really don't need, but you always see it, you see it in the house and think that's from a skip.

That picnic basket has lived. Yeah, it had a hole in it. That's why it was in a skip. Well, one man's trash. Yeah, and it's smelt of ham. Am I right in thinking that the subject of today's podcast is our perfect hospital. Absolutely, perfect hospitals. Yeah, so just to recap for the listener,

we've done perfect prisons. Oh, absolutely. We've done perfect graveyards. Perfect cemeteries. Do we do perfect utility closets? No, Sam, but we need to. That's on the cards and perfect universal adapters. Oh gosh, yeah.

Well, let's not answer it anymore. When was the last time you were hospitalized? Oh, that's a really good question. No worries. Oh gosh, so just my, just when I gave birth. I haven't been hospitalized. I've been to A&E a few times, but I don't think that counts. Oh, is that not hospital? Oh yeah, it is, yeah. But do you mean like, that was just like a visit where they told me it was all in my head and I had nothing to worry about. They told you your birth was all in your head?

Oh no, I mean, the visits to A&E, they said there's nothing wrong with you. But I mean, so the last time I was in natural hospital where I was in overnight was when I gave birth to my child, yeah. And was that a, yeah. How does that, yeah. Is that a, was that an interesting process?

It was very scary. Oh really? Yeah, yeah. And is that because they forgot to cut the cord and you sort of had that for a year or two? Yeah, no, it's good for hanging washing out on actually. No, very busy evening and they were run down. It's a run down hospital that didn't have enough staff, just your normal sort of NHS story. And

I wanted a water bath, but I wasn't allowed one. And I wanted to be able to walk around whilst I was And I wanted to be able to walk around whilst I was going through my contractions to keep the baby in the right place in my tummy. And I couldn't because they didn't have any mobile monitors. So I had to lay back onto a bed and be strapped to a monitor, which meant she moved and she was breech. And they didn't, but they didn't know she was breech until a lot later on. And they pumped me with drugs. And then right at the end, after 28 hours of being in labor, I had to have a C-section and I thought I was swallowing my tongue and was going unconscious. And then my eyesight went and then I saw double for two days and I didn't think it was ever going to come back. But she was a healthy baby. You thought you'd had twins for a second there.

Yeah, it did look like that. Yeah. But at the end of it all, she was a healthy baby. So you can't complain too much. It was traumatic for me, but she was born and they delivered her safely. So that's all that matters, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. The process. It's not about the journey. It's about the destination. It's

about what you get at the end. I thought people forgot the birth. I thought it was such an extreme experience that afterwards you don't even remember it. So then you can contemplate having another one. Because if you fully remembered the pain and the horrors, you would just never do it. Yeah, yeah. I've had that as well. No, not, not that with me. It's stuck with you. Oh yeah. Yeah.

I really live every day. Do you reckon anyone would listen to this while they're having their contractions? Yeah. Yeah, sure. They would do, wouldn't you? You know, these guys and they play flutes, um, so that it's Naacl, um, really be interested in coming out of a basket. Like babies are so interested.

Like they like appear, like if it's a difficult birth, they go chuck it on, throw on the podcast and the baby emerges. Cause it's like, what's this? These guys have got good ideas. How many brothers and sisters do you have? Oh God. I have, oh, just one. Oh, yeah. I don't know much about the birds. You seem like you might have a lot, you know. Do you reckon? Yeah. There's something about you that seems like you might have lived in a big farm with like five or six siblings. I was pretty feral, so I was definitely running around with a lot of kids, but they weren't all of my blood. You know, my friend Henry Stone has an amazing childbirth story. I should get him to give us a ring.

Oh, yeah, do. He didn't give birth, no. No, his partner. So that's not the story. Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh, that would be a good story. Oh, hold on. My friend Henry is ringing in. Henry, how are you? How are you, big brother? Good to see you. Tell us this. Let's just dive straight in. Should we dive straight in? Are you happy to dive straight in? Me personally?

Yeah. And Lucy, are you also happy to join this dive? Yeah, it's the best way to do it, isn't it? That's what they say. Well, a big change in my life is I have a daughter now. Congratulations. Thank you. I have a newborn baby. And this story relates to the birth of my child. Do you promise us that it will be a very graphic story?

Thematically there are some grotty elements that came into play. Mentally grotty. Sam and I have been friends a long time. We have another old and dear friend. He's both an electrician and a very, very funny comedian. And this is a peculiar way to start a story about the birth of your child, but it is a necessary, um, dalliance to go on. So a decade ago, our friend was working at the Sydney Opera House.

Have you heard of it? It rings a bell. I was talking to Sam. It's just like, yeah, one of the main features of the country of my birth, just to talk about my birth. And he says that during the lunch break, the universe spoke to him. He felt like divine intervention. And in the presence of these other tradesmen, he knew that he was about to hear something rather spicy. And he took out his iPhone and pressed record. What conspired was a three and a half minute long recording. It was so crazy that he uploaded it to a site called SoundCloud, which is

like where you can host audio files and share them around and stuff. Did you go to SoundCloud, Lucy? Yeah, yeah. More than the Sydney Opera House. Have you had anything on SoundCloud yourself? Oh yeah. I've just some beats. I've had some beats.

I didn't know you made beats. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe it's a conspiracy theory. Maybe it's just like this sort of story that gets like traded around amongst blokes, but they were like talking about how they had heard these like whispers in the wind, these rumors about how in a country called Papua New Guinea, on remote job sites there, men who work there were so starved for affection and female attention that they're all in the

habit of seeing sex workers. But the bosses of the people on this job site saw that as being intrusive to the workflow because they would always be leaving the job site to go to town to visit these sex workers. So to rectify the situation, they allege that the bosses of the work site purchased a monkey and shaved the monkey and brought that to the work site and allowed all of the working men access to a shaved monkey, which was apparently really good for productivity. Why did they have to shave it? Great question. I want to, yeah, why they had to shave it.

Also, the question is raised, who was in charge of shaving it? You know, like when crazy stories get told, it's always like, yeah, so apparently what they did was, I got this monkey and they shaved it. Who is they? Is this the royal they? Through very quick twists and turns, it becomes broadly about conspiracy theories on the whole.

So you don't believe it? What's the male version of an old wives tale? I believe it's that. An elderly bloke's lullaby? So our friend recorded this audio. It's on the internet. It's an amusing curio that I've had in my life for a decade.

I've returned to it perhaps every two years and had a laugh at how psycho it is basically. It's an amusing curio that I've had in my life for a decade. I've returned to it perhaps every two years and had a laugh at how psycho it is basically. It's legendary. You'd sort of just be sitting around the living room and you'd throw this on. Just prior to becoming a new parent, when my girlfriend and I were preparing to go into this hospital to have our child,

they like tell you, I don't know if you had this Lucy where they like, get, you know, when you're giving birth, you want to like set the mood. You want to like, you can have this birthing suite and you're, you're allowed to, if you want to have a candle, you can have a candle. And if you want to have LED lights of your choosing of your, the color of your choosing, you can do this. And music is a big one. Nintendo Switch. Yeah. I wanted to have firecrackers, but they said, no, no. So we bring our Bluetooth speaker and we're like, oh, what's the playlist going to be?

And on SoundCloud, the app, we have a lot of saved mixes, smooth tunes. You know what I mean? Or is it bold of me to suggest this is a bit of chill wave? Look, knowing me for as long as you have, you can suggest that. And I will confirm that there is some chill wave in the airwaves. Because if a baby is born during some chill wave, that's, you know, you're going to have sort of a relaxed life. Well, you know what they say, chill wave, chill babe. In the hospital, we went in at like midnight and then our daughter was born at like 9am.

So we're depleting the playlists. We're bleeding tunes. You've run out of Brian Eno. Eno more. So we get to a point in the night, it's so late, it's like 7 a.m. and she's like into the pushing stage. It's like the movie scene. It's like the comedy movie scene or whatever where she's like, they're like, push, push, push. And she's like, I can't. Then through all this, the playlist stopped through the Bluetooth speaker. I heard the rustling noise of a phone that is in someone's pocket. And then I just, while my partner is giving birth to her daughter, I heard in the room, men's voices going, yeah, so the

most fucked up story I ever heard was that because it was in my favorites on SoundCloud, started autoplaying in my daughter's birthing suite over my Bluetooth speaker. It was the midwife like, oh, what have we got here? It was right in this moment. It was like this, push, push, and no one, everyone was focused on that. And I was pretty focused on my partner pushing, but still hyper aware of what was going on. So no one else clocked it immediately. And then the midwife was like, oh yeah, well, that changed pretty abruptly. What was that? Was that like something new? I just kind of lied and I was like, oh yeah, the algorithm, I guess, I don't know. You know, you can easily

get out of digital trouble now if you just say like, the algorithm. But they weren't believe it, they'll have thought it's you're warped and you really wanted that at the birth of your child. And yeah, this sort of most wholesome moment in my entire life was sullied accidentally by digital weirdness in the form of a gruddy conspiracy theory playing out over a loudspeaker. What if the baby jumped out and go, I was listening to that. Yeah.

You'll tell her when she's older, or will it become like a big family secret? Maybe you say, when you're 18, you can go on SoundCloud. I'm interested in your advice. Would you say that honesty is the best policy, or should I lie? Always lie. That's my face.

I back that up. I lie to the twins all the time. That's my face. I backed that up. I lied to the twins all the time. That's my story about now being a dad. What a fantastic story. That's a really good story. It was gripping. Thank you so much for joining us Henry and for sharing that.

You should make this episode about digital weirdness. Well, for a while it was about hospitals. Gone in a different... What changed? When was the last time you was hospitalized, son? I... Oh, goodness. I'm in the hot seat.

I cut my finger very badly. Oh. So I bought a knife from the internet. I was fascinated by... I wanted to just have like, you know, my cooking experience. I wanted to start my culinary journey. I bought this really beautiful, it was called the chef's knife. It's like, I couldn't believe I was even allowed to have it. The chef's knife, you're telling me I can have the blade of the masters, but I can steal fire from the guards. The chefs, you know, this is the knife the chefs use. I was like, they're

going to let me an amateur, you know. I'm the reason a lot of restaurants have laminated menus. I got this knife. So I had a gig in Putney. That is crazy. Yeah. And I didn't know where Putney was. Like I thought it was just going to be quite close. And at the time I was living nowhere near Putney. And so I texted the guy with no excuse. I just said, is there any way I can pull out of the show? I didn't know where Putney was. And he says, no, we've got you on the poster. You've got to come and perform. And I've never tried to do that before, like pulled out of, without just no excuse. I was just like, I just don't, can I not? I don't know, Putney, I don't know, sorry.

Just don't want to go to Putney. He's like, of course not. And then I'm apologizing. I'm like, I'm don't, can I not? I don't know. Putney. I don't know. Sorry. Just don't want to go to Putney. He's like, of course not. And then I'm apologizing. I'm like, I'm so sorry. Like I'm coming to Putney. I said, well, let's cook something up first. And I'm cutting some sweet potatoes. And I sliced right through and into my finger. And so I'm gushing blood. and I'm like, oh, that'll be okay. That's okay. Oh, and I wrap it up in sort of a homemade tourniquet and it's just not stopping this blood. Oh, God. Yeah.

So that was just coming through thick and fast. And did you get to the gig? Well, no, because I started texting him. I was like, I don't know if I'll be able to make the gig. I've just cut my finger very badly. And he won't have believed you. Well, it's exactly this boy who's like, oh, you know, the wolf, yeah, the wolf crier.

Of course, he's like, what are you talking about? I go, oh yeah. And so now I'm sending him photos of the finger. It's like I'm like proof, proof. But you could have got them off Google images or something or from another time you could, did you put like today's newspaper, well, not today's, but that day's newspaper,

that's what you meant to do. I shared the frame. So I poked my own head next to the finger like, oh. So I didn't think of that. Yeah. So I just had my like my eye in my nose. Oh my God. Yeah.

So I'm sending him all these pictures and he sort of says, enough pictures. Like I'm sending a lot. I'm like, you know, when you have to need, you need like five forms of ID to, I was like, here's another picture at this angle, this angle, this angle. Can't come.

And he's like, all right. This is if your driver's license. Yeah, so I really regret that. And to that Mr. Putney, I'm like really sorry. I did go to A&E, sort of all wrapped up. I had the finger. It's kind of fun when you're on public transport on your way to A&E with like a, like I'd hidden the hands in sort of tea towels and all this kind

of stuff and then had a jacket over it. I don't know, I felt interesting being on the bus with people not knowing that my finger was bleeding a lot. Oh, I bet. Yeah. You would have got a lot of sympathy though. Well, I just didn't want people to see it, but I was also smiling because I had a secret. Have you ever been in hospital for like a long stay, like actually admitted into hospital? For a big stint. Yeah.

No, I don't think so. I'm usually a day tripper. What about yourself? I haven't either. Touch wood. So we're designing our own perfect hospitals. Yeah, sort of run me through it. What have we got?

Right. Well, I don't like the way they smell. Oh, so you went starting with the scent. It's not a bad smell. I would really like to scent things. What I'd like is more plants in the hospital, like a scented garden. Like you walk in and it's just like an orchard,

lots of jasmine, lavender. I think what would be really good for people, it's like an, you know, like an atrium. I mean, I know maybe I'm stepping across the line here to suggest something for your perfect hospital. Could we have a little waterfall in there? Oh my God. As you walk in at reception, I think you need to walk in and you're almost healed just by the fire. Yeah. And some people actually say I'm okay now, I'm going to go home. Yeah,

thought I had arthritis, no way, just needed that. Yeah, so it's quite botanical. Yes, oh very botanical. Have you seen Greece too? I can sort of picture it. Yeah, I think I have. I know that they have moved from cars. They've moved on from cars to motorbikes. I know it's Michelle Pfeiffer. Yeah. But do you remember that the Frenchie was the beauty school dropout? They do a scene. Do you know, is it in Greece too? Or is it in Greece one? Where like it's like a dream sequence

and it's hair in a perfect salon and there's like motorbikes flying and like people that dress as angels. Is there the guy who comes in just to sing one number? Beauty School dropout? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like that guy. Yeah, that's Greece 1. Yeah. Oh, right. Sorry. Yeah. I would like basically that reenact, they reenact that on a loop, you know, like as if it was Las Vegas. So they've got like showings like 11, one and five something. But I think there needs to be a performance piece near the waterfall.

So you've got sort of, yeah, all these beautiful plants. You've got a crooner, let's face it. You've got a crooner. Yeah. A mainstream crooner as well that everybody knows. Buble. Not Buble. You've got a problem with Michael?

Yeah. Geez, hate to burst your buble. We'll definitely cut that. That's not staying in. Actually, I'll leave that in to show that, yeah, sort of a rare miss from a master. Do you know about this movie called Megalopolis that's coming out? No. It's Francis Ford Coppola who made The Godfather and all this kind of stuff.

And he has sold his vineyards. He had all these vineyards and he self-financed this movie. And the movie has a moment in it, apparently, where an actor who's like in the actual cinema while you're watching the movie interacts with a character on the screen. Oh, that's good. Yeah, I'm so excited to see how that goes down. But how will they do it in every cinema? They're going to hire actors.

Like, this is huge. If you're a little actor who's listening to this, thinking, oh, no one's watching my show real, I can't get a gig, go to the cinema, go to Odeon right now and say, listen, I heard you've got Megalopolis coming. Let me be the actor that interacts with the screen. Oh, that's brilliant. Yeah. It might get more people going as well.

Oh, friends and family of the actor. But cinemas have got that bad, but if I go in a cinema now and there's other people, I'm like, oh God, I hoped I'd have it to myself. Oh yeah. I did when I saw Clifford the big red dog, we had it to ourselves. That is so sad that the public,

like usually you think a dog of that size and of that complexion, everyone would want to see it. There'd be lines around the block. Basically, I want a big opening. I want it to take your breath away. It sounds like the Garden of Eden pre-snake. Yeah and then I'd like lifts that drop you down, they drop you down onto whichever ward you're going to. You know a bit like, I feel like I was like a shuttle. Oh like when you need to go from the north terminal to the south terminal or something. Yeah yeah and it will take you to your ward and that's when you get the five star experience because that's how it should be.

If you're sick, you need a bit of luxury. You need a bit of pampering. So you would pick your pillow. You'd pick your duvet. You'd pick your bed. I don't think you should be able to sort of decorate your room. But what about like wall stickers? You know, you could pick some nice little stickers

to go on the wall. Yeah, sticker pack. Yeah, sticker pack. Yeah, sticker pack. Or like, depending on what you're into, like allotments, golf, frogs. Some people like frogs, collect frogs and stuff. I reckon I've seen golf stickers. I've seen frog stickers. I've never seen an allotment inspired sticker. But you know, like someone digging a carrot or whatever, you know, I'm trying to not discount anyone, well, no matter what age and what, and what your interests

are, there'll be a variety of stickers. I wonder if there's ever been a mix up at the sticker factory, you know, on the front of CDs, like rap albums, it will say parental guidance needed. Yeah. Imagine if they accidentally got those confused with the stickers we put on apples and say so everyone's thinking, oh, I need to, I think my dad's gonna come and watch me eat this apple. It's interesting. I like it's down.

It's in the earth's, well, it's not in the earth's core but it's quite far down your hospital. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll build into the ground, yeah. And so you go down, so say I've got some sort of, you know, horrible disease. I've gone down, I've decorated my room with a sticker. Yeah. Oh, and I meet the doctor. Maybe you can choose like different eras, Victorian era. Oh, you can get a witch doctor in or a... Stone Age, Druid, Victorian, yeah, Chloroform. What about leeches? Oh yeah, they did put leeches on. I mean, it'd still be advanced, modern, but you'd put a little twist on it.

One of my favourite places in the world is the Jorvik Museum, and I think it's had a big effect on me. In York, have you ever been? No, I've never been. What is it, the Jorvik? I think that's what I'm trying to recreate, that you can pick a time from history and your therapy can have that sort of theme. We need to go Sam. It's built on what they know is a Viking town.

Oh nice. So when you first go in, you see the what, well, it's actually built around the corner from the Viking town. So they've recreated the remains underneath the floor. So you look underneath the floor and you can see the outlines of buildings and stuff. And then when you were a kid, you think, oh, this is it. And there's, you know, the like normal museum, there's like artifacts, you know, in like little cupboards and stuff. And you think, all right, yeah, it's normal Viking museum.

Then you get on a cart and you get transported into a Viking world. My goodness. This little cart like Disney takes you into this whole town and it's all like robotic, you know, robotic Vikings, but they've made it smell like a Viking town. So every time you go past something, there's a different smell. It's incredible place and you totally believe you're there and you do learn a lot. The way to your heart is really through your nostrils, it seems. Yeah, it's just isn't it. So I'd like to incorporate that, you know, so if you're like,

oh, could I have Victorian twist on having Matt Hounsells out then- Yeah, I'd like Viking to sort of have a look at this rash. Yeah. Is that the same doctors? So they're back there with like sort of all these different outfits waiting for you to choose? Is it the same doctor or? We pick doctors that also like to do amateur dramatics.

It's tough, isn't it? Because you can be a brilliant doctor, an incredible surgeon, but you might not have the greatest personality. But then sometimes there's people who are very flashy. They go, oh, yeah, yeah, it's this, it's this, but then, you know, they've got no clue. Exactly. And I used to teach doctors this, I used to teach them interpersonal effectiveness. It was my actual job. Oh, really? So you would teach them how to make a patient feel really comfortable and relaxed? Yeah, yeah. And did you ever have doctors who you go there, you've got no hope? Yeah, we had to grade them really badly. Yeah, give them, and it was just about trying to make

that sort of like personal connection, just be nice really. It's not that they weren't nice, they just didn't have a very good bedside manner. So I used to have to pretend to be a young teenager that needed a colostomy bag. Oh yeah. Like walking the office, you know, I'd even like knock walking and they'd have to tell me and then I would grade them on how well they told me. Can I have a crack? Yeah. Okay, so if you're you're you're outside. Yeah, shall I knock? Oh, hey, dude. How are you? What's up?

Oh, good. Thanks. How's it? How's it hanging? Yeah, pretty good. Yeah. You know, just been at the skate park, you know, just not even skating, just hanging out and chilling and sort of, yeah. Oh, that's cool. Drinking a 40 and yeah, man. Yeah. Oh, so yeah, like what's going on? Like how are you doing? Like you feeling good or? Yeah, but I mean, you've brought me here, you had something you needed to tell me. What

is it? Oh yeah, for real. We got those tests, we just did that test. Oh tests, boring, but no, we did, it's serious. We did do a test on you and yeah. How do you feel about bags? What type of bags? Colostomy. I don't know what they are. They're the coolest accessories since the... Oh wicked, are they? Since those little yellow stars that people put on their blemishes.

Really? Yeah, yeah, these are cool. You know who's got one of these? Who? Lewis Capaldi. Lewis Capaldi? I love Lewis Capaldi. Yeah, he's got one. Who else has got one? I think Dua Lipa's got a couple of them actually. Oh really? Yes.

Well, I'll sign you up. How do I get hold of one? I've got them here. There you go. Let's hook that up. I'm good at hooking that up. There we go. And off you go.

Yeah. Take it easy, dude. Oh, cheers, man. Take a chill pill if you want and I'll see you later. Sam, that was amazing. Was that good? Yeah, yeah. That's exactly what I was wanting. Why don't you become a doctor? Do you think? Yeah.

Okay, so you've got these doctors who are also sort of period actors. Is your hospital private or public? Oh god, always, always public. Yeah. But no, there's no private hospital. Well, they've sold all the private hospitals to make this hospital. That's so lovely. And how many doctors have we got working? 72. Fantastic, beautiful number. And what we've got, my favourite job in the hospital is we've got friends. They're just called our friends. And they're just, they are, they're handpicked, I handpicked them. The retired people that have worked, you know, maybe in like primary schools or dog hostels, they're like the nicest people you've ever met. They're really warm and friendly and nurturing and they just come in because they're bored at home and they come in and they just chat to all the patients.

It's time for a visit from a friend. Yeah, yeah. Because they do do that in some hospitals anyway. Oh, they have these people? Yeah, they do. But I've got it on a bigger scale. And even if you don't like them, they're going to have to hang around you and be afraid. I just don't want anyone spending any time on their own. Even if they'd quite like that. If you come in this hospital, you're not going to get any time on your own, no peace. No, not at all.

You're going to go to sleep and wake up and there's going to be somebody there staring at you. Do you know some hospitals have their own radio stations? Yeah, they do, don't they? And they're weird. They're all weird. Hospital DJs are unusual. They're a funny mob.

And the less said about them, the better, to be honest, because- Oh, okay. What if a show is really good? Like if someone started the Desert Island Discs, and that was for people who'd slipped a few discs, if that had started on a hospital radio, we wouldn't even know about it.

Do you think that's maybe how Radio 1 started? It started in a little hospital and they said, we've got to get people who are not injured listening to this. That's mine, Sam. I'd like to know about yours. Yours sounds simply heavenly. Oh, thank you. And Sam, I'd like to know about yours. It's yours sounds simply heavenly. Oh, thank you. I want to go there.

I want to sort of feign an injury or maybe deliberately bang my knee just to get in there. Well, people do. That's why we've got security. Yeah. Prove it, prove it, prove it. Prove it, yeah. Okay, My Perfect Hospital.

First, we don't have any, how do we get people there? It's all helicopters. Oh, okay. My perfect hospital. First, we don't have any, uh, how do we get people there? It's all helicopters. Oh, lovely. It doesn't really matter what your injury is. So if you've fallen down a ravine or something, of course we'll come and get you. But even if it's sort of a mental health problem, we are going to send a helicopter. I've never been in a helicopter, uh, just cause I didn't think they were safe, but I can see, like if you're real, you'd love to go up in one to get to hospital. Oh absolutely you're probably going to perish anyway so go up in with I love ambulances but um yeah we don't have any anything like that. Right right. We're just not

interested we've got choppers. Right got it. So your hospital if I can recall was down quite low. Yeah. Mine's up high. Oh really? Okay, so it is a revolving hospital. Oh. Have you been to a revolving restaurant? No. Really? No. You've never been to a revolving restaurant?

No, where have I? Oh, maybe they're a lot bigger in Australia. I think they've got them here, surely. In Australia it's like, they're up quite high in towers. Right, I don't think people can be bothered here. What to spend? I've been on a revolving dance floor at a nightclub called Planet Earth. Planet Earth? And they've got a revolving nightclub?

It was a revolving dance floor, yeah. My friend broke the leg because they slipped on a vodka jelly and they weren't allowed to revolve the dance floor after that. Oh, so they had to, because of your friend, they had to pause the floor? Yeah. So you do need to be careful if you revolve in sick people. So a big focus is on coma patients. Oh, okay. Are you fascinated by people waking from comas?

Yeah. Okay. So basically, when you wake from the coma, you want to find out all about all like everything that's been happening sort of thing. Yeah. Yeah. So we have the celebrities. Like Davina McHale? Well, it's based on the person.

So while you're in the coma, they sort of, you know, get in touch with the family and they say who was their favorite celeb. When they wake up, if they wake up, they are going to get, be in for just such an incredible surprise. Oh, that is just so lovely. And then, but they might be, because sometimes they attach different pasts and stuff, don't they? They might then think they were like in a relationship with that celebrity or... Okay, so you wake up and Timothy Spall is leaning over you. Wow. He says the Berlin Wall has fallen. The Iron Curtain has fallen.

Oh, and then you just, the person would just cry and cry and cry, wouldn't they? Yeah, yeah. So that's for the Kermit patients. That's such a lovely little touch. I think that is good. And also, have you seen the Brighton 360 that goes up and down? Yes, I have. Yes, I have.

Yeah, so I forgot to say that while it's spinning, it also goes up and down. Yeah. So it spins and it spins fast. The doctors need a lot of training. Oh, what? You mean that's what you want it like? Yeah, up and down, all around.

When you're lost, you are found. Ooh. No beds. What? I just don't think beds. We're gonna go sleeping bags. You're not torturing them. I have Sam. I'm just checking it. I'm just checking. You know, you know, you're perfect prisons. And also we're putting these people to work. Sure, you're sick, but you can at least work six hours a day. It's gonna be like your perfect prison, Sam, where you had one prisoner at a time

with just you, the prison guard, and you made them watch videos with you all day. Did I mention I'm the only doctor? Because that's the problem. People go, oh, I'm getting all these different opinions. They go, oh, this person says this, this person says this. I'm the only doctor. And what I say is the law.

Why do you want to make them wear? They're selling merchandise. Oh, God. Oh, and you don't get told that it is a hospital, by the way. So when the, oh, this is good. So when the helicopter comes and picks you up, you go, where are we going? They go, we're taking you somewhere. And the helicopter pilot also says, they go, oh my God, we, sorry, we, we, we have to stop here. We're on our way to the hospital, but we're

just going to make a quick stop for sort of fuel. And then you, they'd land on the helipad, you get taken down to this spinning world and you don't think it is a hospital, but secretly we are analyzing you and we are making those treatments. Oh wow. So by the time that you escape you actually go oh and they go that was the hospital and you go oh my god seriously you're having such a good time you don't even notice that we've taken it we've sucked out those kidney stones. On the question of public versus private, it is free. No, no, no, you have to pay. It can be free if we get to practice cosmetic surgery on you.

Wow. Wow. What do you reckon? I love it. Oh, cheers. You could be our first patient. Would you ever think about combining both hospitals together? Oh, your sort of forest and my sort of spinning revolving hospital. Yeah. That's not a bad idea. That's been our perfect hospitals. We'd love to hear

your perfect hospitals. I absolutely would. Please email us at Lucy and Sam's perfectbrains at gmail.com. Put in the hospitality in... wait, wait, usually you say put in the hospital in hospitality, but we're putting the hospitality into hospitals. Oh, I've got nothing but love for the boys from above. Hello, this is Nish Kamar and I am thrilled to tell you that I'm back on tour doing the thing that I'm second best at. I'm not telling you what I'm best at. That's my personal business with my new show, Nish Don't Kill My Vibe. Yes, that is a Kendrick Lamar reference. I'm so cool. If you enjoy classic

humour about subjects such as the climate crisis and income inequality, why not come down? Tickets are available right now at nishkamar.co.uk. We are travelling the length and breadth of the United Kingdom and doing a show in Dublin from September till November. And it's going to be a huge amount of fun. Get your tickets at nishkamar.co.uk.