Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 115- Hype Beasts

Episode Date: September 16, 2020

Shane is in AZ, Cusk is in the bunker. The D.U.D.E.Z. chat about Shane's shows, Paul Rudd's Public service announcement, Cutiez, America slipping in the global fat rankings, and a bunch more.  Support the cast @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Cop Merch @ mssecretpodcast.com/merch/

Holy fucking shit. We're here right now. We're live. We're live. The tech has significantly improved. Yes. Look at that. Look at that Yeti, dude. I'm still, I might still hold it. Yo, do you, dude? You might have to. What you up to, man? Halfway across. I'm happy. My heart's aching. Happy to see you, bro. I can tell how far you, I can tell how far away you are. I just feel my heart, dude. And the more it aches, I go, he must be out. He's coming back to Minnesota. The ache isn't lessened.

Yes. No, I'm still in this. Dude, I think I'm the first guy to ever do this. I was just like, can I just stay in the comedy condo for a few more days? They were like, yeah, I guess. Yeah, you just got to be out by Wednesday. I was like, all right, I'll stay until Wednesday. I'm just in a comedy condo in Phoenix.

People don't understand the comedy condos, dude. People don't understand that there are comedy condos out there. Well, this one fucking rules. This one, hold on. I'll give you a little. I'll turn this around for a second. You can see it's probably a little messy. But, yeah, the comedy condo fucking rules.

See those crunch berries? Ooh. I had some Captain Crunch going on. Yeah, if they were putting a comedy condo near my house, I would petition the neighborhood. I'd be like, yo, we can't let this thing in our neighborhood. We can't have a comedy condo in here. They're typically very, very bad.

This one's all right. This one's good. But, you know, you do get a weird dude in your apartment complex they're typically very, very bad. This one's all right. This one's good. But, you know, you do get a weird dude in your apartment complex once a week. That's what I'm saying. As a public safety thing, I'd be like, yo, we're not having no comedy condos in our neighborhood. Chances are there is an alcoholic sexual predator living in your apartment complex once a week.'s what comedy clubs like the catholic church

they just they're like all right we'll put you over here move them around with the atlanta funny bone no dude we just talked about this dude i uh yeah speaking of pedos hold on last night i watched i put on cuties bro all right so i didn't watch it i like scrolled through to get to the scintillating parts to see how wild it was because i was like maybe maybe it's not that wild yeah bro it's wild what was spud actually did a breakdown of it oh really they did a there was you know the fucking wet ass pussy dance where you're on the ground and fucking you know the girl does that and then teaching them all how to twerk and like slapping their asses while she's dude it was like

it was genuinely like man this is actually weird yeah i mean it although it was weird i thought i was thinking it was like you know there's that thing on the right where they're like constantly on the lookout for pedophiles hey man which rules which rules it rules and what's funny because hansen was carrying the torch by himself for years nobody everyone was like look at this weirdo and like people just pick it up hansen carried the torch for it dude he must have hit people with that show and they're like say what yeah but hansen was he was getting the bottom of the barrel pedophiles the right's not after the they're not looking for like indian dudes and retarded guys

hansen never did he ever roll up any like i heard Hanson. Said Cowboys are Indians. It's just retards and Indians. Goal of the game is to try to get a kid. I think Hanson actually found Epstein's Island. I think he found enough Indians and retarded guys that he connected the dots. And he was like, all right, so we got this guy working at Chuck E. Cheese. We got this guy going here. This dude's IT here. This is the FBI should have hired to bust. He should have just walked in that temple and been like, what are you doing here? cheese we got this guy going here this dude this dude's it here they go oh my god the fbi should

have hired to bust he should have just walked in that temple and been like what are you doing here what are you doing well dude it's like you know the people can defend the movie and say oh you know it's it's i think the thing is they're like they're preaching against pedophilia and it's like all right like we can all agree that you don't do that but like dude to have first of all to cast the movie everyone's talked about like casting the movie so there's 300 i think there was like 300 girls that came oh casting must have been fucking weird dude how do you how as an adult do you cast a young girl for sexual role because you have to there was a 40 year old man who was just kind of like, nah, 13 at 12 real is not that hot.

She's hotter than her. Dude, I mean, how else are you going to do it? Why didn't they cast a chubby woman? That's my problem. Why didn't they cast a BBW? There was a chub. Just one? There was one thick BBW.

Oh, my God. One BBG. One BBG. Was it really? What do the parents look like? They're African Muslim immigrants. Did they ever smash in the movie? I didn't watch it long enough.

I literally watched the one, the first dance scene. I was like, this. It was genuinely making me, like, I was like, this is weird that I'm watching this. Yeah. I was watching fucking Monday Night Football, and I was like, this is weird that I'm watching this. Yeah. I was watching fucking Monday Night Football, and I was like, oh, I'm going to toss this on real quick. Just sit on my phone, and I was like, I tried to record it to send it to the group chat,

and I think Netflix probably is a thing where you're not allowed to record from your iPhone. Maybe. Maybe there's, like, screen grab a Netflix show. I don't know. are you watching this on your phone yes what i don't think that technology exists well then i'm wrong maybe i just fucking missed the button you know but once it didn't record i was like i don't need to try to record this and then i was like man it'd be weird to hit for me to have that video on my phone

well that's time to get out of here dude dude that that's kind of the i like got into a one night i couldn't sleep so i stayed up and watched just like youtube cuties commentary and it's everybody on there being like i want to share how fucked up this is but i can't it's just young chicks being sexual and i don't want to be the guy being like yo here's the clip like i can't show the clip and dude it's like young chicks being sexual and I don't want to be the guy being like, yo, here's the clip. Like I can't show the clip. And dude, it's like, yeah, man, I, you can say the movie, like, Oh, the people should be able to do whatever they want. The movie is inappropriate, whatever. But it's like, dude,

from a work perspective, if, first of all, if I was like, yo, if I like, I was working on a script, I'm like, Shane, check it out. Here's what I'm going to write a movie about. Yeah. If you were like, dude, that's weird. I'd be like, all right, McKeever, check this out. And he would, everyone to write a movie about you know if you were like dude that's weird i'd be like all right mckeever check this out he would everyone i know would be like dude stop knock it off yeah i think that is kind of weird well they'd also be like how okay so say you make this your passion project is like 11 year old sexuality how are you actually going to make this we're like we can get some kids we can get come on like dude the fact that they were on set like no hump hump a little hard.

Like, there was grown-ups instructing her how to, like, grind the floor and how to be more – like, you're telling me that 11-year-old was that sexual or was that 11-year-old trained to be that sexual? Again, I haven't watched it. But it's like I'm thinking of checking it out, but it's like as a director, when you're trying to, like – I'm thinking about checking it out. When you're trying to tweak, like, a person as a director – when you're trying to tweak a person as a director,

we're trying to direct. It's like you have to tell an 11-year-old, did the 11-year-old come as sexual as the director needed her? Or was the director like, no, no, a little more sexually like this? Yeah, true. I wonder if they sent army recruiter type people to elementary schools and were like like who's the biggest slut here ma'am you got to serve your country the country of france true but yeah like

there's so many practical concerns of like how did they direct the child how was it and it's just kind of like i don't know man it's kind of weird it opens up a lot of uh weird shit to like dude everyone bitches about the movies. It's like, dude, there's so many parents out there. They're like, take my daughter, take my daughter, take my daughter. Oh, for sure. It's like, you fucking sicko. For sure.

But yeah, I was thinking, you know, also they changed the verbiage on the description of the show, which is funny. I noticed that. They didn't say hot kids anymore? Yeah, the description the description yeah the description of cuties was she joins a twerk team and now it's like a free-spirited dance team it's pretty funny yeah that's they got a little people like yo this is pedophile they're like

we gotta get rid of twerking and change it to free-spirited team, but then keep the scenes in. Yeah, man. I mean, I, I spot word from spud is he's like, it's soft core child porn, dude.

He's like this. If that's the thing too, if you're a pedo and you're watching that, that's got a rule. So as a rule of thumb, it's like, let's not try to get pedos pumped. Let's keep the fruit forbidden for the pedos.

That way we can roll them up you can't just be like they can be no no that's fucking cuties or they could be like i'm working on an art house film like why is there like an 11 year old getting her pussy like no no no no no there's a film set i swear he's not touching literally during the dance scene first off it's the first scene the first dance scene is probably like it's like a two or three minute like music video type of them dancing the girl instructing them uh and the camera's like zoomed in on their ass while they're dancing that's great it is it's weird well there there's a scene where what yeah nothing well there there's a scene where it's fucking weird i think the one thing i saw on youtube there's a

scene where a um like the girl steals her stepdad's cell phone and he's like give me my cell phone back she's like no she runs in the bathroom takes a picture of her pussy and then uploads it and then it's like the stepdad gets in trouble. Wait, where is this in the movie? Apparently she like they're, she's fighting with her stepdad. Like she has his phone. He's like,

give me my phone. I know you have it. And she runs into the bathroom, takes a picture of her pussy and then uploads it. And apparently again, I just saw this clip, but I guess like gets her stepdad in trouble. That was in cuties.

Apparently. Yeah. From the little YouTube clip. You get in big trouble for that. Stepdaughter's pussy. First of all, why are we giving them this idea? Dude, so you're a pedo. So now you're a pedo, dude.

You're thinking, this is pedo fantasy world. You're like, no, it's not mine. My stepdaughter was getting revenge on me and took a picture. And it's like, dude, stop. Damn, stepdaughter revenge porn? I mean, exactly. This is pornographic dude i just realized there's there's a park full of old black dudes that sit outside my house

and i basically mike every time i walk by them they like say something to me and i'm like okay every time i turned into an australian every time i turned to australia every time i was delivering all the t-shirts the other day there were so many of them that i just took my stroller and just filled the stroller with uh bags like boxes and bags of shirts yeah i pushed it to the uh post office post office was closed came back i said hi to them they came back with a stroller like all right now they say whatever like you know all right now i see you out there with the stroller and i was just like hello and i was like god damn it dude every time i try to just think of the first thing to say it sounds so ridiculous like what's happening

i'm 28 post office coast dude i did uh i did a fucking interview with this australian tv show here did you really yeah it was via Zoom. And the only, like, they're going to edit it out for sure. But the whole time I was like, I am 28. And they were like, what? But I was like, Love on the Spectrum. And they were like, you guys know about Love on the Spectrum? And I was like, it's huge here.

They were like, yes. What? Yeah. Really? Yeah, they had no idea what what was the show for uh i don't know some cancel culture q a in australia and they were like nah you can say whatever the fuck you want dude this is australia i was like sick uh but i think the lady hated me so we'll see i bet they edit that to make was pretty, I was pretty cavalier about the whole thing,

which they probably didn't like. What do you mean? What did they want you to be? Probably serious and answering questions. Yeah. They want you to put the duct tape on your mouth and be like, I can't be. Yeah. Yeah. Censorship. I was like, no, I get it. I understand why it was canceled. They're like, I kept doing an Australian accent. And she was like, to be honest, you're very bad at that

you're very bad at that and i was like no i'm not like i'm good at it and she was like what do you think the hardest accent is i was like chinese she was like all right you gotta demand the full tape dude you got alex jones or i at the end of it i was like all right edit this to make me look like a dickhead. See you guys. I'm so far. It's going to be. But it's in Australia, so. Yeah, true. Yeah, whatever.

It's love in Australia, dude. The Aussies will be like, yo, who the fuck was that guy? That guy ruled. Who was that? Yeah, I mean, it's weird. I mean, there's nobody in America who gets weird about different countries putting on an American accent. Everyone's like,

hell yeah, dude, that rules everywhere else. It's like, I'm so happy. I'm so happy when someone does it. I'm like, damn,

that's pretty good. That's funny. Cause it's always slightly fucked up, which is funny, but yeah, it's great. I don't know why people are such accent babies. First of all, it's not even like I get pumped.

I demand you speak in my accent. I know. Any other dialect pisses me off. First of all, say fucking speak it speak it now fucking even if someone comes up with a southern accent i'm like dude knock that the fuck off talk like me or fuck you up dude you lost the war dude talk right true that that dude honestly that should have been another condition. End slavery and knock off the mumbo jumbo. Like, yo, pataw, pataw. All right, man. Yeah, dude.

Fix that. Knock that shit the fuck off. And fuck all those pussies. Dude, I talked about driving that fucking Silverado on the Stan Hope podcast. And everyone on, like a bunch of dudes on the Reddit were like, of course he's afraid of a truck. Fucking Yankees are afraid of trucks. Shut the fuck up. All our listeners from the South are so rootin' and tootin'.

No, dude, they're the rootin' tootin'ists. That was making me laugh so hard to think about you white knuckling just like Grand Canyon turns in a Silverado. Well, I did get used to it, but the hardest part was getting out of Salt Lake. Dude, I didn't talk about it on the stand-up episode. I had like a weird breakdown where I was like walking back and forth

halfway from the truck back to the booth where the guy was working to be like, I don't need this truck. And then I'd walk the other half way back what am i fucking and turn back around sit in the truck when you rented it you were going back and when i was picking it up from the airport it took me i would say i spent 30 minutes deliberating on whether or not to try to trade it back in it was like a genuine uh i had to like slow down be like this is like a a mental, this is a problem.

I glitched out hard. Because then I was like, this is so dumb. What, getting the big truck? Well, not just the big truck, but I was literally driving it for 12 hours. So to get a fucking Silverado is very stupid. I should have got like a fucking, I requested a very, the small truck. Yeah. The fucking, it's like a Nissan something.

I don't know. It was the cheapest option. So that was the other thing. And they were like, here's the Silverado. And they're like, it's 600 bucks. I was like, all right, whatever. I'd rather pay $300 more than I thought to avoid the, even the four minute conversation of changing trucks.

Yeah. Why? Yeah. Why? Yeah, that's what I did. Why? Because I'm weird, dude. You could have got a Ranger. You could have got a Ford Ranger. There's a lot of good small trucks out.

The Silverado rules, though. That thing rules. Shoot an F-150 Raptor. It really does rule, dude. Raptors fucking rule. Pickup trucks are fucking sick, dude. I'm stoked the fact that you drove on the West Coast. Yeah, you feel cool.

You feel cool. You feel cool at every gas station pulling up, just fucking popping out. Oh, yeah. This old thing, don't worry about it. Big boy toys. You got me dipped. Damn, dude. How's Utah?

Is Utah as weird as people say it is? Yes. Is it weird? Yes. Yes. Salt Lake is fucking weird, dude. What is it? Awesome city.

It's just a city of whites, dude. Really? Whole city of whites. What's their deal? Just doing white. I heard Utah were the people who got kicked out of canada for being too white they're like dude you're too white for canada you gotta go to utah kind of i the mormons it's not like they picked utah i don't think i think the mormons were

bouncing around and people like get the fuck out of here that's mormon israel yeah utah it is and then i was getting in like debates with mormons about it about how it was dumb kind of like don't you guys think like the garden of eden's in missouri and they're like yeah yes so what are they doing out in utah uh setting up shop dude no one else was out there it was just them, and then I think they got rid of the natives. True. Yo, they false flagged the natives once. What do you mean?

They killed a bunch of settlers coming out west, and then they scalped them and tried to make it look like the natives did it. It was the Mormons, dude. Yeah, Mormons, they get rowdy, dude. Yeah, they're nasty, dude. Little nasty fuckers. Then they went out and got all the Samoans, dude. Yeah, they're nasty, dude. Little nasty fuckers. Then they went out and got all the Samoans, dude. So now they got jacked Samoans.

So they killed the settlers? They killed a couple of settlers. I mean, in one incident. They faked it a little. Yeah, and then they false flagged it to try to get the government to get rid of the natives out of Utah. Really? It was sneaky.

It's hard to hold down two wives dude natives are rolling around dude snatch mr steel yo girl every now and again dude we're all definitely mr steel literally kidnap your girl it's so funny mr steel yo girl this is chief steals your girl yeah then they they got samoans dude they went out to like the pacific islands and started recruiting like just jacked oh fucking rocks dude they went and got the rocks yeah they defend them against the steel your girls really unleash the rocks on them how did you convey how do you even do that i guess you just go out there and you have if you you have one cool thing, you can get the whole town to come

fuck the natives up. If you're like, check this out, dude. What was the thing they lured them in with? Lured the Samoans in? Yeah. Fucking walls? True. Look at this house.

We'll build you one of these we're on our way we have to go kill all these guys I don't think that's the reason they got the Samoans but it's funny to imagine it is yes it must not have taken much though to go over there and be like yo we need you guys to kill someone

dude that's scary as fuck just rolling up on like a a totally different island and like all right we gotta get these guys to kill people hopefully they don't just kill us as soon as we show up yeah the simones and and all those the pacific islanders were always tough like people always like veered away from them historically because they were actually like the one group of like native warriors that were all fucking huge. Like jacked. Really? It was a bunch of Troy Palamalas just running around just spearing old British

dudes. Damn, dude. A bunch of Kirk Cousins rolled up. Let me pause for a second. I gotta see if this is picking up, man. This lady's going to town. It's okay. I hear it a little, but it doesn't. Cool, cool, cool. I can tell you. It's driving me nuts, dude. It's right above my head. I hear it, little, but it doesn't. Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, chill, chill, chill. I can tell you.

It's driving me nuts, dude. It's right above my head. I hear it, but don't worry about it. I thought it was your lady, and I thought she was coming down the steps. Nah, she's cleaning. I was excited for a... Confrontation? No, just a look off camera.

I was waiting for the look off camera. Give her the eyes to be like, get the fuck upstairs. Dude, I'm cherishing my time. She's going away Wednesday till Sunday. Damn, where to? She's going to bring Maya back. I made a deal with her. Oh, that's right.

This is when we were supposed to do Magoobs. Yeah. Wait, was this right now? Yeah, we were supposed to this week. The 22nd. I thought that was like four weeks ago no what wasn't it oh yeah it was it was august it was august 22nd dude you you're in a fucking utah time warp dude i'm in a tough you might have totally lost your marbles walking back and forth you might have totally lost your marbles dude i did i did i did genuinely have like a weird like that was weird i don't know

what that was i'm just like yeah you rain manned out dude you went in like i broke i was like i gotta tell him to switch this i don't you know what who cares don't tell him to switch it just back and forth then i got in and i couldn't adjust the center console yeah and i was spazzing on it the center console yeah and i was spazzing on it the center console was up so it was just a bench seat in the middle and there's a little strap you got to pull to yeah so i was pulling the strap but i i wasn't pulling it hard enough i was going too weak on it i didn't realize i wasn't man enough dude this is over auto i was like i'm gonna break this fucking thing i was like. I was like, I'm going to break this fucking thing. I was like pulling it.

I was like, I don't want to break this fucking thing. Yeah, that thing's rated for retard strength for sure. It truly is. And then finally I got to a gas station. I was like Googling the owner's manual for the Silverado. I was looking at like PDFs. Dude, it was a weird half hour at least. After you decided to get it. Sweating like sweating armpit sweating not like hot sweating like nervous anxious sweating walking i was like if there

was security footage like yo this is creepy like it would be scary to see the footage of a dude walking back and forth getting in and out of a truck walking back and forth how many times dude three three three separate times of starting the truck turning it off getting out walking a road down a row of cars turning around and getting back in the truck yeah and i couldn't i tried to explain i was gonna start to explain that on the stanhope podcast but i knew they would never understand dude true they would never understand the comedy of it they'd be like well that's weird oh man sam talent me had such a fucking good time there did you really took mushrooms the last night we were there and didn't think first off shout out to sam for uh thinking he could beat me in a chug contest

come on bro was this on the mushroom night yeah we had just we actually had just taken some yeah and then we he he was like let's shotgun a beer i was like i'm not gonna shotgun a beer really and then he was like i was like let's just chug let's just chug a beer and he was like, let's shotgun a beer. I was like, I'm not going to shotgun a beer. Really? And then he was like, I was like, let's just chug a beer. And he was like, I'll fucking kill you in chugging. And I was like, kept it quiet. I was like, hey, you might. You probably will. Put a wager on it or no?

No, I just let him be like, oh, I'll fucking kill you in this. Boom. Got him. Really? And he demanded double. He demanded a rematch. What do you think happened there? Got him. Mr. Cool, dude. He doesn't even know, dude. He demanded a rematch. What do you think happened there? God, he –

Mr. Cool, dude. He doesn't even know, dude. And then – He had no idea. It was Mr. Cool. And then the mushrooms hit, like, right after we chugged two beers. I was just – I was gone, dude.

We sat up on the roof of Stan Hope's Funhouse and laughed about Stan Hope's cat dying. For a while. For about three hours, the hardest I've ever laughed. Thinking about Stan Hope, two. Two mushrooms is what I ate. Nice. Cap and a stem, twice.

Yeah, about a G and some change, dude. I don't know what fucks you up on mushrooms. I still don't know the measurements, but that works. That works that's a social dose for sure yeah we were just laughing about stanhope being drunk at his bar and seeing his cat die from like a scorpion bite and just him hopping off his bar being like meatwig no that was it that was the whole joke that was it it's so funny how if you're on mushrooms, that's like a head rattling, like, please let me stop laughing before I injure myself thing. Yeah, that's exactly what happened.

It was like, this is the funniest fucking thing in the world. Couldn't stop laughing. Then we went downstairs to try to like hang out with Doug again. Couldn't, it felt like you were trying to hold in a laugh. We were just both dying laughing. And he picked up on it. He was like, are you guys like laughing at laughing at me like what the fuck is wrong with you it's so funny uh and then yeah and then i woke up as soon as i woke up in the morning i like

tried to be like man that was funny and i was like oh that wasn't funny at all like that wasn't very funny try to put it all together you're like like, yes, I have. I was like, damn, that was such a funny fucking bit. I have a new closer. I was like, dude, this is it. Yeah, but it was good. Yo, I started reading his book. Sam has a book called Running the Light. Yeah.

It's fucking awesome. Is it really? It's really good. If you get a chance, check it out. I'll peep it out. I'm in an audio book wormhole right now. What are you working on? I got a couple open.

I'm doing all just mindfulness stuff. I have a bunch of – I'm in another plane right now, dude. You look jacked. Oh, dude. I'm at 2,500 push-ups of all in the month. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm doing 5,000. I can see it.

Dude, I've been ripping 200 a day for the whole month. Wow. Yeah, I've been getting swolled, dude. Wait, you've been ripping 200 push-ups a day? Every single day. Damn. What intervals? Like of 20?

I do 20 now, yeah. 10 sets of 20? Well, I'll do 5 sets of 20, take a break, then do 5 sets of 20 later. 10 sets of 20. Yeah, that was right. Yeah. No. Yeah.

Yeah, sorry. Yes. But yeah, no, I was um is that 2000 i'm doing 20 yeah sorry yeah i've been doing uh i'm trying to do 5 000 for the month i'm in i'm in this under armor app and with like my cousins and a bunch of my friends from home and uh it's so much fun it's like especially right now like everyone's kind of trapped in their house so it's so much fun. It's like, especially right now, like, everyone's kind of trapped in their house. So, it's been pretty fun. But, yeah. You're challenging each other. Just getting yoked, bro.

I'm leader. I'm leading push-ups, dude. No, I have everyone by 1,000 pretty much. Except for Billy. Billy's on my heels right now. Yeah, Billy's. No way Billy's going to let you win that. Dude, I don't think.

Although, I will say, you are just as much of a psycho competitor as him. Exactly. Exactly, so. You hide it. You pretend you're not. Yeah, it's there. Every once in a while there's a spaz. I think on the running group, I think I just kind of bother everyone

because it's always – I'll run like a mile and put a picture of – because you can take your picture afterwards, and I'll run like a – today I ran two miles, and I'll try to see if I'm done, and I'll do like.3,.2,.33 and for everyone i'll put like a picture of david goggins but yeah i just dude that's all i've been doing like and it's funny too because i'll like get on their ass like damn dude you guys fucking but it's like i have all day to do this they're all like all at work balancing all this shit i'm like what's wrong with you guys why can't you do this and it's like oh dude i'm ripping for 50 push-ups that you know it's pretty funny that's tight but yeah i'm

getting swole right now bro yeah you look swole man that's good yeah i'm bulking for sure dude fucking uh my britney joined this like fitness thing which is like you pay this guy and there's a it's all pretty much all girls i think it's only girls but her friend's jamaican so they have this like jamaican virtual personal trainer who like approves your meals and stuff it's almost like nexium sex coldy kind of it's like a sex coldy kind of thing because like there's a um it worked for a friend really well so she wanted to do it but the meal plans are from like jamaica i don't like it they make dude they make no sense you get them and it's like uh two ground provision to one piece of fruit to

one ground provision. Yeah. And it's like, dude, what the fuck? What can I eat? Like, but they're the women in,

there's like a group chat and they all call him, sir. He's not in this group chat. There's just the girls in there. And there'll be like, sir wants us to do this, sir. Once dude,

it's weird. Whoa. That's why I'm, I'm getting jacked right now dude there might be a jamaican personal trainer i might have to fight a personal trainer to the death dude fuck dude there's nothing worse than personal trainers i mean dude this guy's got a nice nexium sex cult going on right now yeah having a fucking group text about you calling you sir that you're not in it's daddy dude he's daddy for like 30 chicks who are looking to slim up and then they slim up and they love their daddy dude it's weird it gets really kind of creepy and unsettling uh yeah but it's like have you tried to bring it up to britney that you don't like it a hundred times oh i i i school it you can't do it you

can't do it oh no no so i i'm i'm like go ahead do your thing i've said i'm like this shit is fucking weird but i'm like but dude the pictures this dude has a website of just chicks in their underwear it's he so he like you you take a picture to start out and you get before and afters and this guy demands almost nudes dude it's crazy so this guy just fucking rules he kind of does that's why i can't hate on him he just so he's just in a fucking place in jamaica like all right eat like a fucking piece of grilled chicken and some fruit say some nudes anybody could do the diet coach dude it's it's fucking wild dude and he has like different batches he'll come on i don't know eat a fucking salad or something send me the picture it's really that's literally what it is it's and it's like if

you don't go by what his thing is he'll kick you out so he like rules with an iron fist and obviously the bays love this daddy energy so they all hate fucking trainer daddies. Dude, I mean, this guy's on another level, dude. Spud saw his work because they were – it was me. Spud saw it? Me, Brittany, and her friend were sitting there the one time and Spud came over and they were like, show me these – they showed me at first and I was like, dude, you guys are crazy. This is nuts. You can't be trusting this dude with all these nudes.

Like, this is wild. And they're like, no, just like before and after. Spud saw it and he was just like what the fuck is this like right away on it i'm like yo you i know you think he's just using this stuff but like he's either i'm like he's fucking these chicks for sure like dudes don't just get dudes in a position from is he living in jamaica just living in jamaica dude from jamaica oh just come down to sandals you you earned it it's over bro i mean you got you reached your goal come to sandals we're going to jamaica i might stop by oh we are

yeah the plan was trip before that plan was trip before what i know dude that's why the push dude i have to fight oh no i'm gonna have probably like four pieces of fruit and three but when you're down there when you're down there all all Jamaicans are in like pretty good shape. You're going to be, your head's going to be spinning, dude. You're going to be like, is that that motherfucker right there?

Why is he dressed as a waiter? Are you taxi driver? He still has his shirt off. I was like, why is that fucking waiter? Dude, he's fucking rich. There's that son of a bitch.

Yeah, dude, it is so funny listening to the group chat of just like, sir wants us. And like, dude, if, if people don't get along with them, chat of just like sir wants us and like dude if people don't get along with them it's just like this dude surrounded by sycophants it's like ripped chicks now who have like fat chick conf like lack of confidence sycophanting around daddy yeah for real this dude's got to figure it out honestly dude we got to go back to we got to go to school for personal training big uh day one dudes i'll just get the befores and be like nice don't even worry about it nice actually pretty sick plateau stay there

but yeah dude that's pretty much being like here's a workout plan take pictures of your food send it to me and he'll be like yes or no and then you just you naturally just lose weight it's just you know it's pretty simple but i i think he has the daddy thing going and i think that dude they'll sit there and argue if like if you ask a question they'll be like don't even bring that to sir's attention he'll get so pissed if you're like dude it's crazy yeah man that's tough i'm just i'm happy you seem to be handling it i couldn't when when my ex was going to a personal like I would look at their pictures of their like personal trainers. There's just one dude. I was like, this guy's a fucking clown, dude.

I hate this guy. And I was right. He did ask her out on a date. Really? I wasn't wrong about that. But she was like, he played college football. And I was like, this motherfucker. So I looked it up.

He was a fucking punter, division two. Come on. I was like, mother so i looked it up he was a fucking punter division two come on i was like so i'd be like i'd be like sitting at home playing like fifa for like four hours and she'd come home from the gym and i'd be like you see that fucking gay ass punter i got like dog shit what is funny i have to try to explain to her. I'd be like, fucking punting? D2 is not. She's like, he's active now. I was like, well. That's a dig. Fuck that guy.

Also, why is he getting so ripped? It's like, yeah, I used to be a punter. I'm just trying to stay in punting shape. It's like, yeah, you can stretch your right leg. Stretch your one leg. Yeah, of course not. You know this guy. You know exactly who this guy is.

Tattooed sleeves now. No, for sure. Jacked now. Didn't get pussy in high school. Jacked now. He might have got some punting pussy, dude. No, no, no. You don't get punting pussy.

You'll get like an English lit. Like, you'll get a weird English lit. In college, you might have got some punting pussy, for sure. In high school, no punter ever has gotten pussy once. Sorry. It's just the facts. They are literally lower than like band. Yeah.

High school punter? Well, it's just like the most disappointing position in the game. It's like, oh, we're giving up again. Send that guy out. Send the guy who gives up for us. Send out that surrender kid. Former soccer player. Send out the surrender soccer player. Oh, no. We were disappointed. Go ahead. Send out that surrender kid. The former soccer player. Send out the surrender soccer player. Oh, no, we were disappointed.

Go ahead. Send out the disappointment squad. Yeah, dude. It's too funny, man. I mean, honestly, I've been kind of – I think the fact that the dudes – I have the Atlantic Ocean working for me. That's nice.

You got the Gulf. You got the Caribbean Sea. Exactly. I got some distance, dude. You know, if he wants to try to make it up here, I'll deal with that. Yeah, but that's the thing, dude. He knows exactly what the move is. What do you think the move is?

Oh, I see you. I see you looking off screen. I'm peeping off. Are you peeping off? No, they're putting something back. You need to be here, sir. Dude, that's what I'm saying, dude i knew you heard the cleaning lady sir no no tell her to call you sir i'm like dude i love i actually love her so much

what i'm saying like you know she's great come on come on yeah don't be like, you know, he's great. Come on. Come on. Yeah. Don't be like that. You love your cleaning lady so much. She's great. She's a great person. She rules. She rules. She's great with my kid. I would love a cleaning lady.

I would love her. I would take care of her. True. I might, I might tell her. Are you trying not to say things? No, not at all. Dude. Oh, I thought you still loved it.

No, no. It's not like that, dude. I have a father's love now. So, it's different. Good for you. That was good. That was good. You have a father's love, dude.

My love is... Way to reverse that. I was thinking about how pure my love was today. It's like, it's unbelievable how pure my, like, just my love and my sexual energy is right now. Fuck me. That's so nice. That that's so nice i can't give myself a fucking compliment if i sat there and i was like damn my love is so pure i'd be like what the fuck am i doing god damn it that's all the stuff i've been reading about is how to just let your thoughts drift through your head and just be like huh anyway what was i doing just go about it dude

i've gotten called up to well first of all i think i might have i might start having the cleaning lady send me her macros and some pics now be like well i'm actually doing my own before and afters yeah that's cool what you're doing there brit but i got my own thing going over here sir sir i'd be actually technically it would be senor yeah make her just make her oh it'd be senor fuck you make her hit make her hit a sir in front of britney oh dude it'd be like if she's and she's like sir pay her five bucks extra to just call you sir whenever britney's around strictly you're dead dude i might be like oh my god yeah dude it's uh it's been actually well here's here's the kick here's why i'm not tripping about it because i'm that's funny to correct i'm sorry to correct spanish people

to show you more respect and be like, you mean who's dead? Pardon me? Who's dead? That's who's dead to you. Who's dead rules, dude. Yeah, it does. It's like, well, there's this whole thing built into a language. If you're better than the other person, they have to say who's dead.

Yeah, they have to call you who's dead. Yeah. Spanish, yeah. That's what I've been researching. Really? Yeah, Spanish. I'm stoked on that don't be excited that's another thing you want to talk about self-hating i might next time i'm going to save the clip of me trying to record something by myself please just to send you but dude it's i just sit here for again it's almost like the truck thing where it's like for two hours i'll record the intro dude i mean dude i'm i'm no insanity i'm no stranger i'm doing psych no academy right now

there's times where i'll be like and today we're gonna look into and i'll be like today we're gonna fucking look into delete dude i'm doing psych no academy and i have to do i'd like break i have to have class things and i have like little, and I'm talking in the window. It's 1,000 re-dos every single time. I made a new rule where I don't do any more re-dos. Now when I fuck – We've absolutely fucked ourselves into a corner of having the meanest, most dick-headed fans possible.

True. So, I mean, I'm not saying they're in your head, but there's a part of me that's like i'm gonna get shit on for whatever i do i gotta give them as little work with as possible as far as me being gay yeah this is older brother stuff dude i'm it's absolutely older brother stuff still shook dude i'll it's the same thing i'll start being like hey guys welcome to them like hey guys what am i hey guys what am i exactly cutie pie and i'm like bro i 100 deleted a hey guys yesterday hey guys uh it's shane and i'm sitting here like fuck dude yeah i went out and sat in the hot tub for a while i go run

the hot tub out there when i i'll start glitching all my intros and i'll be like doing it i'm doing a whole academy i'll do i'll do like 10 my rules if i do 10 glitches i'm like dude you're a psycho i'll go run just full psycho run like yeah yeah yeah and then come back and just be like hey guys god fucking damn it and do hey guys hey guys what's up today we're gonna be looking into like spanish colonization dude i should say i think i have no i don't think they save i have a new screen recording thing that i use but dude it's like oh the worst is when i'll get like four minutes into one and i'll be like yeah you know like kind of like the uh the jedis like i started talking about jedis and sis i read about it on wikipedia for like two seconds i like, all right, I have, I have this totally figured out and started talking about it. And just be like,

and the, uh, the Jedis, uh, uh, Jesus Christ, dude, it was so fucking funny.

Or I'll just say a thing weird. I'll just do, I'll like, I have a thing where I'm, I'm talking too fast or I'm kind of nervous. I'll skip a word. And it's kind of like nerd mouth where you'll feel like mush two words together.

Like a nerd dude. I can't explain it, but I'll catch it. get it i heard mouth you can't and you'll like say two words real quick or like leave a word out it's like god nerd mouth god damn it and you gotta just keep it moving no i was deleting her back and be like oh i forgot that word yeah or it's like it's not even a it's a specific inflection of nerd speak where they'll like it's like a they'll keep they'll leave space out between two i i have to replay it and show you when i do it i do it every now and again i think i understand it i believe i understand nerd speak yeah dude i'll nerd speak i picked up on i

got a keen ear for nerd speak if i hear it i because i'll be not paying attention specifically during like a class or something if i hear a nerd speak yeah locked on but yeah that's this is the negative karma for bullying it's like i i was torturing kids down to like the level of their soul in grade school a little bit in high school i really ragged on a dude in college for having a german tattoo convinced him it was like a nazi symbol which i'm paying the price for obviously right now now that i have a hate symbol on my body that guy that guy hexed you hate symbol yeah hate symbol and you're actually a nazi known right-wing podcaster true that which is basically the ss in modern america for sure people dude did you see the paul rudd video yes how good is that uh I'm so stoked on that, dude. It's about time these young kids got a good message from a celebrity.

I didn't hate it as much as I guess other people did. I didn't care. The problem I had was that – It wasn't one that got me. I didn't mean to make that like, oh, you care. No, I didn't mean it. I meant like I genuinely was just like – normally if something's corny enough like that, it gets me fired up. That one, I didn't mean it i meant like i meant like i genuinely i was just like normally normally if something's corny enough like that it gets me fired up that one didn't i didn't get

triggered it didn't really like i actually i did start to i did start to be like this is pretty gay that's all i got it's the thing that triggered me is the very end when it says state of brought to you by the state of new york and i'm like didn't get to the end oh dude just that would have that would have annoyed me peep the end of it well first of all he just pretends to be oh yeah you can screen share can't dude check yeah just let's sit through bring up the fucking cutie scene dude make the make the people watch what the fuck we're talking about let's go back yeah people think you're being a weirdo about it no not at all i'll bring up some cuties. Oh, what the heck? Let me bring up some cuties. All right, we're here. Here it is. How much of this did you watch?

Probably a minute. Let's peep out the whole thing. Yo, what up, doggs? Paul Rudd here. This bothers the fuck out of me, dude. The beginning was funny. Play it again. Play the very beginning again. Millennials need to wear masks because...

Yo, what up, doggs? Paul Rudd here. Governor Cuomo. Play it again. Play the very beginning again. Millennials need to wear masks because. True. Yo, what up, doggs? Pretty sick. Paul Rudd here. Actor and certified young person. A few days ago, I was talking on the iPhone with my homie, Governor Cuomo, and he's just going off about how us millennials need to wear masks. Because, get this, apparently a lot of COVID is transmitted by us millennials.

No cap. So Cuomo's asked me, he's like, Paul, you got to help. What are you, like 26? And I didn't correct him. So fam, let's. That bothers me when dudes try to be young. It's like, dude, you're not a girl, but. Real talk.

I agree. I agree with that. You're totally beast. So slide that into your DMs and Twitch it. Five check. Yes, Queens like like ourselves we want to go to bars we want also i was wondering is he just making fun of black people yeah that's it that's exactly what i thought the first time i watched it i was like damn dude yeah i feel like cuomo is like look paul we need to get a message out to the young

black teens of america pauld, you're our man. Oh. Hook up, do our TikToks. I get it. I'm not going to preach at you like some celebrity. This is a combo where I talk and you shut up and wear your mask. Hello? Oh, hi, Billie Eilish.

What's that? You're wearing your mask? Man, I want to stan you. You're so my ba mask? Man, I wanna stan you. You're so my bae. Yo, listen, hype beasts. Masks protect you and them all. Because caring about other people- Call black people hype beasts.

Listen, you hype beasts. That's thick. You want a challenge? Dude, I can't stand for this dude. What about that? Why is he one pant leg up? Challenge. That fun enough for you?

The first time I saw it, I thought he was making fun of Big Jay. Paul, six feet tall on the move. Big Jay does the one pant leg. I wear my mask and it's all I ask that you wear your mask. Please wear your mask. Just wear a mask. Just wear a mask. It's easy. It's simple. Please, it mask. Just wear a mask. Just wear a mask. It's easy.

It's simple. Please. It's not hard. People are dying. Hundreds of thousands of people are dying. And it's preventable. It's preventable. Just wear it off.

Yeah, I didn't see this part. I shouldn't have to make it fun. It's science. It's science. No! Dude. This is the shit. Again, the whole thing, oh my my god this is just corny bullshit

this is what i'm watching i'm like is this the new state propaganda dude oh like obey celebrities billy eilish whoever the fuck that is it's like i just talked to a celebrity and she's i'm a celebrity you talk to another celebrity and the governor our super cool governor through this hip state of new york is putting out viral videos it's like what the fuck that's the thing i watched that was just like science could anything encapsulate how fucking cunty and condescending the left is more than just that right there it's like literal propaganda being like it's science oh i can't believe we even have to explain this to you yeah it's like explain it please explain it like yeah and that's the problem too is like so that

okay so that's what that's the level of discourse we're expect we're giving young people like also yeah nobody you come to salt lake zero masks really it was funny i got off the plane i got on the plane in jfk where you know new york's very every single person's wearing a mask if you don't wear a mask people are looking at you like i actually i didn't see one person not wearing a mask yeah airport anybody salt lake got off the airport first off it was packed for some reason it was very funny because jfk was like relatively empty my plane was pretty empty landed salt lake and i must have been in an area where like three planes were boarding but it was just packed shoulder to shoulder with just white people without masks on and i was like damn oh yeah it's good to be back dude salt lake city then you get

into the city it's the cleanest city you've ever seen really just white people picking up trash just not wearing a mask just white people clean well pomo might have to well paul rudd might have to head out there dude it's it's dude paul rudd might have to tell the people of utah to wear a mask don't listen uh he's gonna false flag him dude scalp him and blame the indians he's gonna see all white people like man pretty good we're good here actually government yeah he's like actually you guys don't need to wear a mask. Dude, that thing of him just dressed like a black dude from the 90s and be like, listen, you fucking idiots. Who are you?

I guess it's like that. I don't know if that's what young people do. I've, you know, we have a babysitter who's pretty young. She doesn't like roll in here with a boom box on her shoulder like, yo, what's up, high beefs? I get the humor behind it, but it's like. For sure, for sure. That's what we're.

If you make that... If you point... If you shine a light on that article or that ad as if it's making fun of black people, then yes, it's very funny. Like, if you posted that and were like, this is racist, that would be funny. He could get in trouble for that being racist.

Dude, it kind of fucking... If somebody was like, yo, this is weird it's it is strange and again the end of it being like brought to you by the state of like just it's like it's science duh quoting paul rudd brought to you by the state of new york it's like you think i base my things on paul rudd like paul rudd's upset about something i'm like hold on hold on hold on let's you know it's science so first of all let let's hit up Paul Rudd to get the opinion. If it's science, why would you have a scientist? Yeah.

Like, you know me, it's Paul Rudd. I'm from Ant-Man. Anyway, what's up, black people? Anyway, what's up? What's up, white beasts? It's me, Paul Rudd. Hello, blacks. We can wear your mask you guys get it dude yeah man there's a whole level of internet thinking now that's like it's science this is everything it's just incomplete thought it's pure obedience

incomplete thought and it's like dude i'm not saying like take them off it's like there should be you got me you got me on a good day bro it was a lonely day in here and i watched plandemic you got me on a good day dude it's literally whatever the most recent propaganda that i've watched is what i'm all in on peter just so happened to have watched just so happened to have watched plandemic so i immediately investigated pedophiles yeah that's a good way to be yeah plandemic slaps dude plandemic it's whatever i watch dude every single day yeah well i mean as soon as somebody tells me like like i'll talk to someone and they're like i'm like yeah man like i was watching that thing hundreds thousand people

like that's a that's a lie i'm like okay uh, man. Like I was watching that thing. Hundreds of thousand people like that's a, that's a lie. I'm like, okay. Maybe. Yeah. Right now it's the two possibilities are that there's a, you know, like a horrible, horrible pandemic murdering everybody, or there's not. And it's a lie. And it's like, I don't like either.

I know. Swear a mask, dude. Just listen, slap it on. It was dude. Again. I, I, when I go to stores, I always put it on. I don't want to like, it's the same thing. Like'm i when i go to stores i always put it on i don't want to like it's the same thing like i don't want to yeah yeah make people feel weird or just be like or just go somewhere and be like i'm that it's like you know i i understand that but then like to have paul paul rudd not him specifically but like governor cuomo and being like let's get

the young people fired up with a celebrity and talk about billy eilish and blah blah blah i i fucking hate that line of thinking to be like look you're a retarded idiot here are three celebrities being like i do it so you should too and just saying ironically mentioning science it's like dude if that people are always they are always gonna wear masks i was thinking about that. What do you mean? People are going to keep wearing masks. Oh, dude, we're China, dude. We're China from here on out. I used to always be able to have a good old laugh when I'd walk around. A good laugh.

I'd be like, look at them wearing fucking masks. It's so funny they wear masks. Now here I am. Now here I am. I guess, dude, is that what it's like in China now? If you don't wear a mask, like every Thursday, everyone's like, dick. China's been on coronavirus lockdown for like 25 years That's pretty funny

They've been rocking out like this is what it's like to live over there Fucking Paul Rudd Probably sends you a message Paul Rudd's over there yeah Hey You wanna do that? You wanna do the Paul Rudd in in china video it is ant-man oh but yeah dude it's like that must what that must be what it feels like to get like kind of a

constant government propaganda especially if it's one-sided at least we have like two retards gigantic retards fighting each other in the political sphere china's just godzilla mathra just retarded guys destroying cities in their wake just fighting each other china's just one home team dude if you like it it must rule be like yo we're all on the same page there's rules but like i mean if you were if you were chinese and like like, let's say Trump – like, if they were that level of fans, of, like, hardcore Trump fans. Yeah.

And then it's like, yeah, he destroyed the other political party. It's just him now. Oh, shit, we got the best economy in the world. Fucking everybody owes us money. Oh, shit, we're expanding like crazy. It'd be like, yo, that's a hype beast, dude. Those are definitely some hype piece for sure dude those they must be so fucking stoked on what's going on yeah if you're

getting like if you're trying to number one dude dude if you're like super loyal to the party and they hook you up it's like no this rules dude china number one dude we need to get taiwan true sick of hong kong dude we gotta go get them. I wonder, man. I wonder if we'll fall into... That's what everyone keeps saying. We're gonna fall into like a socialist... Everyone's convinced when both sides are gonna fall into some sort of like tyranny situation.

Yeah. It'll rule either way because either way I get to be like a fucking renegade in the night and be like, carry the torch, Paul Revere out and be like, stop. It's also gotta be... Yeah, for sure. It's also's also until we get like beheaded early and they erase everything we've ever made and uh well people yeah people are super judgy that's what happens people are super judgy about people in totalitarian systems it's like dude i i'm feeling like just like a couple they there's a little totalitarian breeze blowing around that i feel here and i'm like i wouldn't

fuck i'd be like locked in my basement like please don't fuck with me that's terrifying to go against like it's so scary yeah dude yeah i'm afraid of like youtube taking us down yeah think of like them actually like coming to your house they probably just taking your shit but you didn't fuck i literally if you really think about how powerless you are i mean everyone's they can't take our guns it's like dude keep your one gun they can bomb you well no i will say that the guns actually and for a while that's how i thought i was like yeah i mean what's what good is that gun gonna do against a tank but they're not gonna be i i would be shocked if if the boys dude if the boys turned on us yeah i well that's that's also true too we always forget too that like you know people like oh it's one gun but it's like yeah but like dude think about 200

million people with guns it's like that's a fucking problem that's a motherfucking world war z dude they don't even have to be accurate they're just gonna be hordes of people i mean what were the government do you think the government would nuke if all i mean i you know i don't i'm gonna get my house fucking stormed but like if if everybody were to just roll up with guns and be like, yo, fuck off. I guess you couldn't do it because it would devolve into a war itself. Like, all right, I get to be Trump now. They would all be like, I'm Trump.

Yeah. No, I don't think... No, I think we're good. I think we're all right in the United States. I think we're all right. I think our totalitarian state is going to be much more just... The closest we'll get is like de-platforming and fucking wild surveillance yeah and i mean i doubt it's gonna be like do you see what they

did in iran no they fucking executed that wrestler what it was like a famous wrestler there not like wwe but like oh i think iran's like good at wrestling. I could actually see those guys. I think Iran has some – yeah, like Jack Terry dudes. Yeah, man. They're those dudes that come from the UFC and whoop ass. Yeah. Yeah, dude, if you see – yeah, that's one of my rules. That's one of my betting rules to the UFC.

If you see a guy from a stand, like if you see some dude from like Uzbekistan, it's like pick him. He's going to – that guy is a retarded man. Just a teen wolf, dude. That is going to murder someone. a stand oh like if you see some dude from like uzbekistan it's like pick him he's gonna that guy is a retarded man just a teen he's gonna murder someone they're all t-wolves jacked dude they only ride on the top of their cars they're absolutely different than white people they are not white people dude for sure if you're from like georgia or teen wolf yeah khabib is not a white guy no he's something else dude catch him terrifying bro he probably has a professional driver just so he can surf the top of his van everywhere he goes yeah there's the instagram i found it i'm late to it but it's called look at

this russian it's an instagram page it's the best it's the best thing in the world dude it's just russians it's just videos of russians doing thing in the world, dude. It's just Russians. It's just videos of Russians doing just wild shit. Fuck that rules. Russians rule, dude. I'm coming around. Russia does rule. Russians fucking rule. Russia's white China.

What was I saying? Oh, they killed this guy. He was like a famous fighter, and they killed him for going to a protest. He got executed by the state. Yeah. For protesting, and the world knew about it. So that's to tell.

Like, that's a tough. Yeah, that's true. That's when you know you're in a city or a state that's fucked up. Yeah, and the whole world is like, don't do it. Yeah, and everyone there is like, well, yeah. And the government's like, what are you guys going to do? He's ours. Jesus Christ.

That sucks. Yeah, that's true, too. People got to stop being babies here. I mean, yeah, we are having all of our civil liberties slowly stripped away from us but at least it's slowly stripped away from us you know what i mean it could be they could do it faster and more aggressive at least they're like being like nah come on guys you guys are still in control of everything we're dragging our feet rock the vote guys get out there it's not even it's not even like we're dragging our feet or like fighting it It's just like a dumb herd.

It just takes forever to get everybody to like, you know, nobody's resisting. It's just everyone's just fat and slow and looking at like getting distracted by shit. It's like, no, no, no. Come on. This way. Keep walking. I'm kind of pumped about how fat we are as a country. It does rule.

That fucking rules. It sucks. I think our fatness is dropping a little. I think we peaked as far as the fatness. I could be wrong. I don't think kids are as fat these days.

I could see that, yeah. You remember seeing Drexel's campus? I swear to God, I didn't see one fat kid on campus. Yeah, I guess. I swear to God, I didn't see one fat kid on campus. Yeah, I guess, well, I think you might have been, you know, your eyes might have been diverted

because there's definitely, I went to Drexel, there was a couple fats. Well, you went to Drexel. True. You went. Yeah. Yeah, when I went,

there were fats. We were like the last generation of fats. We were the last generation of kids. We're the fattest generation. I might be the last of the fat he can see.

We might have been the fattest generation, dude. For sure. We were the last group of kids. I might be the last of the fat heikins. You might have been the fattest generation, dude. For sure. We were the last group of kids that got fed sugar constantly. True. I just had Captain Crunch. I still have it, dude. I'm the last of the fat heikins.

We actually might have came up on the worst nutritional era ever. Because in like the 50s, it was like, you know, you'd have bacon and shit. But there was no like candy to be had there was no sugary cereal it was just like bacon uh grape nuts or whatever that like really fucked up shitty cereal like the original cocoa pebbles that are like grape nuts that are actually rocks yes it was like that eggs bacon whole milk you only got like a quart for a family of 10 they They're all kind of like weird skinny ripped. And then we came with the Reese puffs and let me, it was a party. Yeah.

And then all of our dads that used to be skinny jacked and jacked were like, you fat pussy. Well, yeah, dude, you gave me pop tarts and soda for a decade. Yeah. We got fucked dude.

But in terms of our whole fats and now the new kids are not as fat. No, dude, not at all. I promise. I've seen them. I've scoped out college campuses. Yeah, their schools – Dude, the schools now are like making you eat fruit. My school choices were soft pretzels, chicken fingers, or like a rib sandwich.

Like when I went to high school to buy lunch, my only options – You pretty much eat fast food all day, every day. Yes. I ate fries every day. I eat soft pretzels and liquid cheese every single day. And I would bring a thing of Cozy Shack rice pudding and crush that before lunch. Then I'd go home and eat bagel bites. I'm surprised we're all not dead.

Yeah, it's wild how bad the food is that they gave us. Yeah, we got fucked, dude. I got some – I think i might go vegan dude really no no chance but i don't know i was eating lunch meat today or yesterday and i was starting to feel grossed out by it yeah just like i don't know i might damn dude they they thought i was gay before i was like i don't like driving a truck i they they thought i was gay before i was like i don't like driving a truck i think i'm gonna become a vegan damn it oh nate diaz is a vegan i think i'm gonna join him it's kind of the ideas are both jacked styles p he was a guy from the locks he's a vegan

yeah i get high kind of a sick pat yeah it's kind of a sick power move i did it for a month it's pretty awesome dude i actually i think i did it for a month. It's pretty awesome, dude. I actually – I think I had – You can't give up wings, dude. I literally cannot give up chicken wings. They're delicious. I bought a big pack of them. I made chicken – I knocked people's socks off some chicken wings the other day. I made them.

But the – not bragging. I'd be like bummed. I'd be like sad in a world without wings. It's honestly – wings are delicious. But, dude, you stop eating – Is this seitan wings? There are. Se wings? There are. Seitan?

There are. They're so good. No, there's some really, really good ones. Well, Shane, if you knew anything about me, you would know that seitan is all – seitan is literally wheat. Oh, okay. That's my kryptonite, bro. So you can't have it.

Oh, the fact that you even bring up seitan from a person who's gluten compromised. You fucking hype beast, dude. I can't believe you're gluten. Yeah, dude, I can't believe it. People are slowly finding out we're just complete pussies. Be like, I think I'm gluten. Don't bring up Satan. But yeah, dude, the...

We just got confirmation on a pretty good guest for the Patreon. Just putting that out there for the listeners. Pretty good. And if you don't want to come through, no big. No big, but don't worry about it. A lot of you are going to like this one. No problem. No problem.

Damn, that's fucking swagged out, dude. Yeah. Major league swag out. Major league swag out major league swag out yeah that's gonna be a tough one that'll be fun that'll be fun we'll see this will be it'll be yeah we'll see it'll be interesting um yeah hopefully it works hopefully this gets done but yeah so yeah you're gay you. You are allergic to gluten.

Yep. Diagnosed gay. But yeah, dude, the vegan thing. Oh, do you want to do you want to? I should do this off air. Never mind. I was gonna ask you, you want to feature at Helium when I'm there in October? Hell yeah.

What day? What day are you doing it? Don't you dare fucking bail on this. I'm going to California in October. So as long as it's not that day. What day? I don't know. I'll find out. 15th, 16th, and 17th.

I'm at healing. I think we're in the clear. I do think we're in the clear. I hope so. Because then we can do a little live cast, too. People need it, dude. They need to see you. The reason I brought that up is because it just reminded me of the gluten allergies.

I ain't oh fucking queer it's my favorite gym i'm excited to do stand-up now it's so funny now that like now that i can't do it i'm like this will be kind of now i'm like looking forward to going and doing i'm like this will be pretty fun dude i've been telling you wait till you see what it's like we have fans true and it's easy to pack everything out now because everything is quarter capacity oh i was selling out everywhere I've gone. That's what I'm saying. Except, oh, dude, I forgot to tell you this.

Up here, the club here, you run into some rough ones. Look, I have two things for fans that come to shows. Please don't yell any of our catchphrases during my standoff. It's weird. People were hitting you with catchphrases people were yelling oh hell yeah hell yeah like non-stop hell yes non-stop people being like that's junk that's junk like dude i don't want to kick you out for yelling like for being excited true but yeah that was that was a tough one. Saturday late show here ran into a buzzsaw of a crowd, dude.

Probably the most retarded crowd I've ever had. Really? It must have been just literally the club of – oh, fuck, I forgot I was going to stop saying retard. Oh, yeah. Gave it up. I haven't said the other one. True.

Now that I think about it. That's a big win today. Probably hit one. That's a hype beast. That's a hype beast, but I'll probably hit one on the page. Dude, I got to show out. There must've been a gathering of like the retarded part of our fan club.

Really? They want to pregame. They must've pregame together, joined forces, come to the show Saturday, late show, which sucked because Saturday early show ruled. And it got,

got my confidence up I was like damn dude I'm fucking good at this then it's I watched I watched in the back in terror as the way this this crowd operated the whole show I watched them destroy every opener really and then when I got on it was just VP, people just, if I bring up, if I'm like, yeah, my dad, like 30 people are like, Phil. It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nice. It's funny.

But man, and then I just see normal people. Sure. No, for sure. You love when it's a fucked up crowd unless you're headlining. It sucks. It's horrendous. I have to do 50 minutes of just, like, putting out fires the whole time you're on stage.

Like, whack-a-mole of just retarded guys yelling out something I would say. Dude, when I was at Topgolf, when I was at Topgolf, yeah, really, when I was at Topgolf, it was the last show of the whole weekend was just like, dude, it was like a bachelor party. Yeah, just the boys? It was the boys. Just the dogs? It was the dogs. The dogs were ruling hard.

They came in, immediately were like talking shit to other comedians, and then. That sucks, dude. Don't encourage that. Well, there was, the problem even wasn't so much the dogs. They're actually. And it is funny. I get it. They get respectful during my set, but there was, it was just nice. You know,

when there's like not that many people there, but everyone's hammered. So there's like space between a bunch of like space junk hammered people just floating about the crowd. It was, it was so bad that I was, whatever show is now, it's kind of nothing. You go up there and you're like there's true any worse true i i did not really care but it was crowded enough like sunday like last night was pretty empty or two nights ago was empty the crowd yeah and it was great that was my favorite show yeah it was like fun to just fuck around i didn't care at all but no this dude this was like literally like yeah dudes screaming that's that sucks

yeah and then i forgot my opener was autistic nice i forgot about this as soon as i got on stage a bunch of yeah he had asperger's and a bunch of the dude a bunch of the dogs were fucking yelling right away and i was like sorry to everybody this is my fucking autistic fan base and i was like ah fuck sorry about that to the opener it's just like it's silly criticize people for being autistic i think he would have laughed an old autistic he did he did laugh he was a pal my he's very funny although bro somebody hit an n-word on thursday in the crowd not a dog was not a dog it was just it was not a dog the dogs wouldn't scream the end yeah no this guy so what the autistic the kid with aspirins he's also an african-american black fella gotcha he's a black fella he's a real hype beast and he better be wearing his

mask dude i'm calling he was wearing he was wearing a suit. True hype East. He rules. He was looking for a queen. He was looking for a queen. He and I went scrounging for pussy. He was great together. He was the man. That's a good wingman, dude. Great wingman.

I was joking about it. I was like, autism is so close to being just like a true player. Like you would just walk up to women and be like, no, you're ugly. Keep walking. I'm like, damn, dude, this damn dude this guy no i'm not gonna kiss her she's ugly nice uh so my my the kid who's on stage he i keep calling him kid the guy the man who's on stage sure he had a bit about like fucking a white chick and the white chick asking if she could say the n-word and he was like people have done way worse to get pussy i don't care yeah like it was funny uh and then like three jokes later this guy in the audience is like how come you're allowed to say but we're not like it wasn't even part of the yeah he just screamed it he screamed it twice

same thing jesus christ hard hard r i was in the back like oh my god what the fuck and i was about to go on stage bullshit what's going you got the mutts jackson get out of here dude he's on he's on serious serious thin ice what do you do he keeps trying to take ownership of the basement, dude. He keeps dumping. Like, nasty diarrhea dumps. Still does. Still does. I had him in the Cobra Clutch today down in the basement.

I was trying to bring him to it, dude. It was so funny. I, like, whenever he – I know. I, like, go down. I smell it. I'm like, you motherfucker. So, I go downstairs. I verify the dump.

I see it splattered. I go – so, I go up and get there they all they hide they scatter dude they take off yeah so i go and i find him he's curled up so i'm like he knows so i grab his collar i gotta bring him to the thing to be like don't stop shitting down here yes show looked it up on youtube and apparently this guy was like it doesn't work but so i'm like trying to get him to go to the thing and he won't go to the dump and he's bucking back on me and i had him in a cobra i had him almost like a triangle today just like i was like dude i might i might put you out i might kill you

are you looking at him right now yeah dude look at that boy asshole dude he's a fucking dick he's very funny he's such a dickhead i praised him we had him britney you had him in the crate for like five nights i can't show him again he's very funny. He's such a dickhead. I praised him. Brittany, you had him in the crate for like five nights. Show me him again. He's very cute. Yeah, I was like, don't put him in it. I fucking pled for him not to be in the crate. He's such a jerk off, dude. He went there today.

Today I was down here. I cleaned it up. Me and him had our little quarrels. We made up. I took him to the DP. I can't say it out loud. I took him to the dog park. We made up. I took him to the dp i can't say it out loud took him to dog park and we made up i took him to the dog park and you know we get home and then i'm sitting here down here working on my computer i see him go to the exact spot that he dumped at

and just kind of like sat by it sniffed it and i looked at him like i shot him daggers out of my eyes i'm like dude i will this time i'll completely yeah if he did it in your face huh he won't do it like in front of you he just sniffed the spot and like looked at me and i was i looked at him like go ahead dude i dare you and he just came back down and sat down i'm like dude don't even try it dude i'll kill you he got used to just peeing down we went away to florida and he got used to peeing down here so he thinks it's sweet right he thinks he can just come down here and pee he thinks it's sweet he does dude so well it's that does rule for him i mean imagine if you never if you you know you had to wait for someone

every time you wanted to use the bathroom yeah dude it's like yeah it's just a fucking as far as he's concerned we just added a new bathroom to the house he's like oh sweet this place has two bathrooms now sick perfect dude and it's the work it's like worst. I work down here every day, so I'm down here. It's just the diarrhea dog smell with the cleaner combined. The first four hours of my day is just smelling dog shit mixed in with orange terpenes. Dog shit's so bad. Dude, it's the worst, man.

I don't know why the fuck he eats that. He's had diarrhea for a month now. And then as soon as he'll-'ll probably had fucking Captain Crunch for breakfast. He's probably on my diet, dude. That's how you get diarrhea for a month. Dude, he's, he's fucked up right now, but you know, we were, we wrestled a little, I choked him out over the dump. I fucking gave him the, yeah, dude, he was bucking.

And instinctively I caught him in it and I was like, well, I got to chill. Well, that's just, that's just your training. My white belt kicked in. And, dude, it was such a secure position. It was so funny. I was like, this is actually pretty decent. And, dude, at one point I thought he was on the ground. That's actually a pretty good joke.

I thought he was going to get me. He, like, gave me the crocodile side eye, and I'm like, bro, we can actually fight. We have beef right now. So if you wanted to fight me, it would be on. He would fuck you up. He would fuck you up. He would fuck you up. I don't know, man.

He would fuck you up. He's so strong, dude. You would kill him. You would win the war. Dude, if he clamped on my arm, I might bitch out. He's bit me, messed me around. He clamped and fucking torn and ripped. I'd have to poke his eyes out.

I'd have no other choice. You'd have to kill the boy. I mean, dude, there's a thin line of love and hate in this house between me and my dogs, dude. and ripped i have to poke his eyes out i have no other choice you have to kill the boy i mean dude the thing there's a thin line of love and hate in this house between me and my dogs dude i would have to poke it if he i'm if he gripped my arm i'd have to hit both of it both if not one of his eyes with the stooge he has no he has no idea with the stooges i'm over here talk me and britney talked about that recently she was like what would you do if the dog bit Maya I'm like I'd fucking I'd have to kill them yeah you'd spaz and kill them

I'd fucking kill yeah I'd fucking murder them dude I'd kill both if one of them bites her I'll kill both of them clean slate dude it's bath time you're putting them in the bath today Jackson's shit on the floor so I clean that up and I'm beefing with Jackson me and him make up pretty quickly I'm like you know what man

I gotta start training you better it's not your fault my bad but then so I'm sitting down and I'm beefing with Jackson. You know, me and him make up pretty quickly. I'm like, you know what, man, I got to start training you better. It's not your fault. My bad. But then, so I'm sitting down here. I hear Brittany yell. Apparently while the commotion was going on, Matilda went upstairs. Brittany had like her meal plan that she has to take a picture of. For sir.

For sir. She has her two boiled eggs. Her two boiled eggs and a piece of toast with cheese. First of all, the meal plans are two boiled eggs with a piece of toast and cheese. First of all, the meal plans are two boiled eggs with a piece of toast and cheese. I'm like, that sucks. That's not a good meal plan. I'm telling you, sir is a fraud, dude.

Sir is literally just like – One piece of cheese or one piece of Wanda bread. Yeah, you eat the Wanda bread and send me a picture. One ground provision. And send pics. Yeah, what are the grams of provisions what's he talking about is he trying to say protein no it's like there's like ground provisions or like anything like a i think it's like a root vegetable but also broccoli fits in there it makes no sense dude there's no there's

no uh i mean i'm a big law and order guy i'm big on law and order there's no you're big on law you've always been big on law and order i I'm big on making... I forget what the fuck Biden's... What's his thing? He's not the law and order president. Oh, he's... What's his phrase? It's like... Bring back...

Bring back build or something. Fucking, it's weird. Yeah, it's some bullshit. Yeah, Trump's keeping us safe. It's some bullshit yeah trump's like i'm law and order president i want to have the federal guard here i want nothing but the federal guard oh dude so britney makes her plate for sir she's about to take a picture dude i hate sir i know who sir is hate him. He's a motherfucker right now. Right now, I have all the problems in my life.

That's just one of them. I put him on the back burner and said, I'll deal with this when this comes. Damn, you need to go to the Team Joe store. What's that? Team Joe? What's he got? That's Joe Biden, bro. That's Team Joe.

Sorry about my bad. What's he have? I'm Team Joe. No malarkey. Yeah, none of that fucking malarkey. No malarkey. Yeah. None of that fucking malarkey. No malarkey is a sick fucking phrase. Also. He's against,

he was against gay marriage pretty hard at one point. Was he? Oh yeah. It's pretty, he's pretty explicitly. It was like, you gotta get a Latinos. Just get a Latinos for Biden t-shirt.

That was just wearing around. Yeah. Get a black people for Biden. Build back better. Yeah. There you go. That's what it around. Yeah, get a black people for Biden. Build back better. Yeah, there you go. That's what it is. You can buy Joe Biden hand sanitizer, by the way. Can you really?

Yeah. Unity over division. Fuck yeah. Did he take that? Did he take my fucking shirt? I think he did. And it's actually a pretty basic white tee that son of a bitch wow they're doing like they're trying to make like cool fashion oh they're propagandist yeah it's like crop top for a girl uh like a long-waisted tie

tie shirt you know what i mean oh yeah like goes past your knees type thing he's got shirts for like cutie he would be sick of making cuties aged apparel imagine jb i think i genuinely thought this i thought that was a sam hyde t-shirt sam hyde posted that posted that on his instagram and i think i dm'd him and i was like yo how do i get one of those and it was a it was from joe bine's website now that i see it that's fucking fucking hilarious. God, I'm gay. Long story short, Matilda ate a piece of bread with cheese on it, which is a building block of healthy nutrition. I'll take a raw half of a grilled cheese. Damn.

That's crazy. Dude, i mean it works bread piece of bread with cheese on it yeah you're not supposed to have that that's not that's not fitness dude that sucks i'm mad hearing that somebody ate that and it's not like uh it's not good you can't dispute it. There's no wiggle room to be like, hey, man, what about – the culture around the thing is like if I were to have a dairy intolerance, all of the sycophants are going to be like, can't hack the fucking program. You can't do it with sir.

You got to eat cheese. You got to eat cheese if you want to get jacked. Is it to get jacked or just lose weight? It's both. Oh, really? You get jacked off just lose weight it's both you you you oh really you get jacked off the well you lose you lose and you bulk it all depends on your goals sir is just trying to break you down to build you up sir only that's the other thing too like yeah i'm just trying to lose sir only wants you to be slim thick for his before and afters you can't have that's why you have to bulk you have to bulk because sir needs you to be

slim thick you can't just be real thin unless your wife is in the military or the thin blue line yeah she cannot call another man sir no fuck no that's you got dude you have to kill it she doesn't she doesn't right that's what's pretty sick if she doesn't that's good yeah i was like look man just get your little meal plan, get your workout plan. And, you know, she doesn't really like it. She has a very rebellious streak about her. Don't let Sarah find out she's rebellious. That's all you're going to turn her on.

He's only going to get more turned on. Well, that was the problem. At first it was kind of like, fuck this, I'm going to do this. And I'm like, just don't. Don't get Sarah upset. Look, I don't want you to get Sir upset. Don't get Daddy upset with us. Sir might fuck both of us, dude.

He might come. We might. Dude. She's jeopardized all of us, dude. We're in the scopes. I'll let you know when he comes, dude, because we might have to bunker down for a couple weeks. I don't think he'll be here, but when I go over there, I go back to him.

Dude, 100%, he's getting. He's coming, dude. 100%, he's getting you. He might, dude. In Jamaica? True. It's not that far. Down in Jamrock? Oh, he's on a, yeah, for sure.

I'll be furious. If we go down there, if we go down there and have to like, serve up to their wife. Man. Dude, if I had a race, if I had a race, Sir Junior, dude, if I had a kid and he started, if I had a race, if I had a race,

sir, junior, dude, if I had a kid and you started, if I had a Jamaican baby and you started bossing me around, dude, that would suck. It's fast as hell. What's wrong with you, daddy? You're a batty boy.

And I'm like, stop it. Stop it, sir. Sir, junior, please. Knock it off. Sir, junior, please. Yeah, that'd be a fucking tough one, dude. If you – I think I've only seen it in movies,

but like dudes that go on vacation with their wives and they fuck somebody at the resort. It's a sick move. It's the worst. You got to fly home, dude. Yeah, I was thinking about that today actually like i was really thinking about like pervert dad energy and how there's some dads who just can't get it together and they're just like just malicious perverts for their entire life

malicious perverts i was like thinking about it like you know because she's going away for a couple days and there's like there if i didn't have pure clean sexual dad energy it's like there's dudes who their wife leaves and it's like hookers grabbing a bag of coke like it's on dude and you just have to button it up you said as soon as they come back you have to just be like oh hey babe i'll miss you it's like dude crazy oh it's i'm not it's not even like a judgmental thing it's just so much to keep together to try to be like all right hopefully my phone bill doesn't get checked god it's it's i feel guilty if i do weird things and i have literally no one to answer to yeah if i'm not anchored i can't even imagine i'll go off into orbit if i'm if i'm yeah you're a wild boy i'll fucking just i see how it happened off but it's like you know you there's there's a you hit a point where you're

like all right i'm responsible for other people's like a new entity's well-being and if i horn dog out there's about a hundred percent chance that it'll affect this little creature negatively and very unfairly and i'll one day have to be like i was horny i had to come i'm sorry that your life is hard now but it's so funny because i'm so i'm always like dude i i know i'm all i'm like yeah i'm like six months then talking shit i'm like it's gonna come for me dude the cum reaper is gonna come for me and i have come reaper does come for you it comes for us all exactly so i'm like let me not get too fucking high and mighty but dude it's like i just pray right off the cum reaper does come for you it comes for us all exactly so i'm like let me not get too fucking high and mighty but dude it's like i just pray i put off the cum reaper so like i don't do well you just gotta remember the cum reaper it's not worth it like i in when i was dating uh

you know my last girlfriend the one before uh in a long relationship i was like man i should be getting pussy i should be out fucking and then now i then now I'm out fucking a little, getting some pussy. Sucks, dude. I'm in a comedy condo in Phoenix eating cereal. That's what comes. Yeah, you want to know what comes with getting pussy? A depressing world. Yeah, dude.

It's fun, though, and pussy rules. Sure, of course. But you got to be willing to make a lot of sacrifices in order to get a lot of pussy. Not saying I get a lot of pussy, but you know what I mean. I know what you're talking about. My whole life, I feel like my life pattern was I'd get a girlfriend and be like, I'm not getting enough pussy. This chick's holding me back.

I fucking rule. I should be getting so many pussies. You're that dude who's regularly getting pussy for no reason confidence. You're like, I could be getting so much more than that. And then you go out and you're like, ah, yeah, I forgot. I'm kind of a fucking weirdo dork and you're like fuck and then you get pussy again you're like i knew i was the man and you're just you know you're like oh dude fuck this i gotta get back and then you after like 10 times like no i'm a weirdo dork i've come to grips with it and then you get to a certain age where you're just kind of at least for me it's like i've stopped

deluding myself that chicks want me per se like they just like this is a probably a very paranoid and very negative way to think but like i just to go out and be like yeah this chick thinks i'm hot it's like no i just would make her life a lot easier and it'd be cool and then you know so that's how i view myself so it's oh i never ever once thought anybody thought i was hot yeah not that but it's like you can delude yourself and be like i'm gonna look so good i'll be so good at sex and i i i i also have never been good tricked into thinking i was gonna fuck anybody well that's good dude so i go out purely like this girl just saw me do stand up i can fuck her yeah yeah it's gonna be bad and it's gonna be i mean it'll be funny the spell will last till midnight the spell yeah the spell i gotta hurry up it was funny these and phoenix these dudes were like do

you want to go to this bar like it's a good place to pick up chicks and i was like literally the only girls i can fuck are the ones that were at that show that's a hundred percent i'm not going to a bar and picking up chicks you should start going to a bar and just watching yourself doing stand-up on youtube and just be like just wait till someone comes out like oh hey you have strong daddy energy dude i am daddy dude you have stronger yeah you have strong sir energy dude i think you can pull i think babes or whatever no i can't i can't stand up i mean the the quality of bay drops tremendous like if i could set it like helium or something yeah yeah i mean that's yeah you're you're yeah you're fishing at the top of the pond at that point yeah that's what's nice

about new york yeah every night and then the girls are just very very pretty so you have a chance to talk to a pretty girl but then i'll and then every once in a while i'll see a pretty girl at the bar that wasn't at the show i'll try to talk to her and it's very it's so funny the difference they're just kind of like huh they're like oh hey like what's up hey like. I'm like, oh, did you see the show? Nah, that's what I do. It's nothing. It's like, who are you? That's so fucking funny.

Anyway, it's good to talk about pussy getting. It is, dude. There's one more thing I wanted to complain about that would make me sound gay. And I forget what it was. Never mind. Disregard it. Oh, yeah. I forgot the rest of. Disregard it. Oh, yeah. I forgot the rest of the N-word story.

Oh, yeah. He got kicked out like right away, which was – it took a minute. And it was funny. The host didn't see it happen. The host came in and was like, all right, I'm going to bring you on. And I was like, you got to wait. That guy is getting thrown out for saying the N-word. What did he say?

What? Like everybody – dude, I've never seen – it put a damper on the whole show like hard yeah like a very hard like oh fuck like this is it was actually like depressing yeah dude screamed the n-word and then was like while he was getting kicked out it's so funny first off his wife yelled trump usa which actually i commended her as soon as i got on stage i was like that's a ride or die bitch dude like she her husband was going down for an n-word and she was like i'm she was the band on the titanic dude the titanic was singing and she was like i'm going down with

my man started hitting the trump usa the guy stands up while he's getting kicked out and he was like what is this fucking communist russia he was like all right you fucking socialists like was yelling at the audience calling everybody socialist and then on the way out his wife started a biden chant damn they probably made love when they went home that night they're like what was i think they i think they paced out front of the club for a while that was the reports and i was like a patriot's gonna roll on me because he screamed the n-word and got kicked out of an establishment oh imagine finding that wife will just be like what like i don't know well you didn't do anything they think i bet their argument is like why can't

we say exactly and it's like well look if that's your argument, it's dumb. But also, don't yell it in public during a show to a black guy. True. Yeah, also, I wonder. From the darkness. From the back of a room. Well, imagine, too, if it was just like, okay, yeah, you know what? Good point. Go ahead.

Have at it, guys. Like, what are you going to do with it? That's the question. Yeah. What's the use? I can put it to use. What are yeah what's the use i put it to use what are you talking about you can put that to use talking like a friendly greeting oh i wish like a oh that's all i would say what's that dude well that's a dude every two words exactly if we were black that would be it. Yeah. It's the ultimate dude.

We would be so cool. It's the ultimate dude. It's the ultimate dude. I mean, it's my- It's the final dude. It's my handicap, and I live with it. The fact that I can't reveal my boys, but, you know, that's just- I accept that.

My boys? Damn, how sick would that be? I mean, think about how much closer you or your boys would get, dude. That guy's right, dude. We're being fucking shat. That guy brought up some good points. He brought up some good. He just wants to get as close as possible with his boys, dude.

One of the boys. I don't want to. Nah, never mind. I'm not going to rat out a fan. Yeah. He was sad. He was sad that I told him to shut the fuck up a lot during the show. Really?

Yeah. He was very heartbroken when I came outside after the show. Well, he was sad. He was just trying to have a good time and vibe with you? I'm so sorry that I was, like, ruining the show. He was, like, hammered, and I had to tell him to shut the fuck up, like, 12 times. Yeah. He wouldn't shut it.

He came outside. He was a little teary-eyed. He was sad. He wouldn't shut it. Came outside. He was a little teary-eyed. He was sad. He was a sad boy? He was teary-eyed. Oh, man. And he was like, can I get a picture? I was like, yeah, dude.

That's what it's all about, dude. You can't kick the dogs out. The dogs love it. They're having fun. You can't boot them, dude. I mean, basically, that was me putting fucking Jacksonson in a sleeper me and him were jackson he was shit and literally that was the exact analogy i used dude i was like you're shitting in the kitchen oh my god i was like you're like a dog i gotta put to sleep i swear to god i said that that's wild that's so fucking

funny there's a guy i'll be quiet i was like yeah all right, I'll be quiet. I was like, yeah, you learned your lesson. Oh, my God. There was a table of people in the back that just – dude, there was a table in the back that the guy faced the table. His back was to the stage the whole time. And they talked. It was just people that just talked the whole show to each other. I was like, dude, you guys are like – this isn't like – I think they thought it was like a TGI Fridays

and just sat there ordering appetizers, talking. Just chill. That's so fucking funny. I was like, what are you doing? I was like, I don't care, but come on, dude. That would be sick if that was our version. You know like the Beatles would have young chicks who would cry when they'd see them?

We just have young men stand up and they're just like, why can't I say the N word? Whoa, whoa, slow down, slow down. Wait till you see it. Wait till you do stand up a couple times with me it'll be like holy you it is dude we are literally the beatles of just fat like it'd be you and me running down the street and fat autistic dudes chasing us hold up check this video out check this out look at this check out the covid numbers but we do they're they're literally the best dude the dogs are so fucking funny easily stop giving me drugs dogs that come to shows please stop three different people gave

me acid in salt lake city yeah dude i was like dude what are you doing the dogs are wild i forgot i had it and i drove i drove down to sandh's with like a lot of drugs in my suitcase yep and i forgot and then i remembered while i was driving i got scared yeah dude i would like go to jail i think there's not a lot of people on the roads right now man you're just doing you're like running some out-of-state plates and shit and you go out-of-state plates and you go through like legit checkpoints like fucking border security checkpoints he lives down by mexico yeah you're in like you were in like drug trafficking the routes of drug people traffic drugs they typically avoid that area because they're looking for drugs usually stay north so you went cert a you were down where

they would have pulled a bull over but you're sitting tall in that pickup truck i had you up i did i got sunburned on my elbow oh you can't really see it anymore i had a sunburn right i want you to shoot a ford commercial out in the desert so bad of you just like slowly backing up and like kind of going up on a rock and coming not being able to back up just backing up and like professional driver on a closed course and you're slowly like yo backing out dude i i don't know how much i got to say of it on the standout podcast but the star party in utah bro it's amazing backing out of that

driveway was the most stress i've had in a long time that was the most stressful experience i've had in a very long time backing out straight back out of a driveway in this fucking truck. Both sides are getting scraped by fucking branches. And the car in front of me is like bumper to bumper. They were in front of me facing me. And I was spazzing. You should have rammed them. I almost did, dude, because I kept falling off the road into a ditch.

So I'd have to ramp back up onto the driveway. And then I'd have to slam on the brakes seriously it was probably like a 40 yard eventually i was like fucking i'm going off roading and then i almost slammed into a post there was like a driveway like a gate i almost fucked this car up you have to just keep going just drive through their gate just leave yeah i i was embarrassed to go back because everybody there watched me like the like rick the guy who runs the star party came down and was like oh man i didn't mean to make you reverse out of there i'm really sorry like everybody sat and watched everybody gazed at the stars and you know

contemplated their own like mortality and how how you know small we are in this universe and then everyone turned around and watched me back out of a driveway was like look at that idiot oh it's like parallel parking unsuccessfully times a million it was it was the exact feeling of parallel park like when i brought that up to sam he was like that's like back parallel park i parallel parked in front of a venue where it was just my fans and they watched me trying to parallel park like they were lined up outside to go into the show yeah that's stress but this this was the most yeah this was the most stress i had the opposite experience one time where i pulled up there was some sort of heavy metal concert outside of punch not punchline but whatever that venue is right next to it live

nation film more and there there's metal heads wrapped around the block and i pulled up in a i forget what i was driving at the time i think it was somebody i think it would have been spuds work it was spuds work van and i pulled up parallel i was blasting some live kenny loggins so the metal heads are looking at me right away there was a tiny spot and they're rooting against me they were like look at this fucking pussy blah blah blah blasting live from the redwoods dude i whipped it was it was really it was luck like i didn't think i was like fuck it i just like let me just see if i can get in there got in within inches blast you're good i'm decent right now but like dude this was a tight spot got out and the fuck the metal heads are like nice spot.

And I'm like, you guys ever listened to Kenny Loggins? So they just looked at me and were like, fuck it, dude. Like you guys like that Loggins. And they're just like, fuck. Yeah, dude. Damn. Going into the punchline. Yeah.

It was pretty cross that night. Nah, probably bomb. That's good confidence. I always bomb. No, you know what? I don't know. I hate this fucking stage it's like nine feet high yeah yeah yeah absolutely hate going there this was a tall

stage out of phoenix real tall gives me the shivers dude it gives me the heebie-jeebies every time to be up that high and just be like yeah oh so i don't know uh yeah and then somebody's screaming suck our dicks to our enemies like all right great a lot of people here haven't seen the listen to the podcast thank you oh it's so funny there's like normal people you know people that don't know who the fuck i am sitting on like a date night and there's just dudes all around i'm like like that's fucking so fucking sick it is funny it is very funny what i know what you mean stop doing it yeah when you're actually like you've been trained to like scan the crowd get it going and people just like it's like a dicks you're like yeah all right back to square one i'm getting hit it's actually karma for the turd true everybody. Everybody would yell turd. I thought it was very funny.

True. You encouraged it. Now it's pure karma because now it's just Legion of Skanks fans screaming. The Juggalos. What about the Juggalos? Talk about that. And it's like, all right, well, hold on. That's hilarious.

Yeah. Well, that's all right. It's all low. It's all low, dude. I all it's all low it's all well dude i love you fucking low when they come out they're at you see them right away they're jacked they're just like fucking they're sitting in a seat like this and they're somewhere jacked somewhere jacked you'd be surprised somewhere swole and then the other swole lad swole lad at the last show was it really swole lad that gets me i think it was like a snow hat over his eyes dude's classics classic jack lat two fucking elite lads in utah by the way really yes yes dude the

lads are coming out latinos for the like we are like trump dude we have like a sneaky high approval rating with the lads yeah dude i'm telling you i get all the messages i deal with all the messages from patreon and stuff and a lot of the three a lot of lads coming through dude great great boys dude i i'm i'm always secretly so stoked when i know the lads are stoked on the club when it's a lad dude yes it does make me hype it's so sick to have lad fans um all right let's let's wrap this up slide in the uh you heard it though so come to helium october 15th 16th 17th in a stress factory in connecticut 8th 9th and 10th and i think we're doing mcgoobies in october as well i'm gonna try to get matt to come to a couple of those when's the mcgoobies i'm not sure i think it'll be in october though yeah hit me up i think the

mcgoobies is the beginning of the month i'm going to verify the 15 16 17 right now in between these um and coming up next we may or may not have a patreon so don't get your hopes up but it could be with sam hyde from million dollar extreme absolute baller could be could be we'll see go down we'll see what happens dude we'll see hell yeah dude all right bro my god