Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 313a Return of the Stoner Dads

Episode Date: September 9, 2020

The D.A.W.G.Z. are separated by a few thousand miles and yet their spirits soar through the airwaves, taking on the form of two different podcasts for the week...actually four if you count the patreon eps. But the unity is still there. It simply cannot be destroyed. Anyway, please enjoy the eastern contribution to this week's episodes. Fired up some Stoner Dads for your listening enjoyment. We talked about girls getting air on ur bird and then about sucking birds for the rest. 

Everybody, welcome to Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, special edition. Shane's on the road. We're doing a little bit of a, me and Shane are split by geography right now. We're both doing episodes, so there'll be two main episodes, two pages. That's how hard we go. That's pretty sick. Most people would phone in some bullshit-ass Zoom, but it's like, dude, let's just rip. This is joint custody.

This is joint custody. This is weekends right now. That was actually the first thing I was going to say. It was like, we got to talk about how Shane's not here and how it's okay i'm tired every time shane's not here you have us on or at least me and i just uh listen i know you guys love shane shane loves you guys too but stepdad yeah you're the stepdads of shat nation i also love you guys and i feel like if you just give me a chance people get discombobulated. Like, what the fuck? Trips them up. Well, usually it'll just be I'll do it, but Shane's doing one too.

So you are getting Matt. Two Christmases. We still love each other, dude. We still love each other. It's just things are complicated right now. Matt's getting cummed in by a new dad now. That's all. I thought this was dad's house here, but that's fine.

It's mom's house. Stoner dad's house, dude. This is stoner dad's, dude.'s fine. It's mom's house. Stoner dad's house, dude. This is stoner dad's, dude. Hell yeah. Yeah, it's pretty sick. I love having stoner dad's. Stoner dad's is such a sick podcast. It's always fun to do it.

That could be like the Captain Planet, you know, Join Forces podcast. You know what I mean? It could be totally separate from this. It doesn't even matter. I mean, dude, if we could put all of our dicks together and then we each get a day of the week to wield it

that would be pretty sick I wouldn't cut off a third of my life if we had like all of our dicks and like I got like Monday nah I want the weekend but I guess I'd just be like guys can we power up again

is there any way we can get together and power up just again I mean okay never mind I would do that. Yeah? I don't think I would trade dicks with anyone else or, like, dick up with anyone else but you guys. Oh, hell yeah. I'll trade dicks with either of you right now.

I'll blindly trade dicks with most people. Most people. True. We'll go full teen us out. We'll join them up with our powers combined. With your birds combined. It'd be funny, too, to trade birds. I think a lot of times the downward angle of looking at your bird makes it look smaller than it actually is in real life.

So it'd suck to trade birds with someone and still like neg someone else's bird they need like the the trying on sneakers mirror at bird height true because you look down at shoes every shoe looks bad you're like yo did you give me all of your dick because i gave you all of mine i just wanted to make sure you didn't leave some dick in the car go check dude someone wild wild wested your dick transaction that was sucked dude they tricked you and you're like what you fed this thing before you waited i know you did you purposely didn't drink any water for two days we traded dicks i'd be sick too I'd trade dicks with fat people

because then it's like they got all that extra dick hidden in their body so you get a good discount they're like nah I'm only rocking like five and three quarters that's a fixer upper dick

I'll take it I'll take it and just get shredded dude do a little bit of keto probably be seven yeah make a couple trips to Home Depot

hell yeah dude that sucks when you get fat enough to have that acorn cap dick. You know what I mean? What were you talking about? Like when it actually... Yeah, yeah. You get like a bowl.

Yeah. You get like a half pipe. That's my least favorite part of my body is the soft area directly above my dick. Dude, how do you get rid of it, dude? It's like a fat pussy for dudes. It is. That's exactly what it is. I was trying to figure out a way to say it because it's like on women, it's kind of sexy.

Yeah. You get a little pudding in your panties. Yeah. I got to get all the pudding out of my panties. I think if you just do planks all the time, you can get rid of your dick fat or like your. Oh, I thought you were trying to increase it. You just do planks all the time you can get rid of your dick fat or like your oh i thought you were trying to increase it you just do it can create if i just like start eating my dick fat my dick fat it goes right to my dick fat when i eat like sweets yeah it's like that's gonna until you get fight club abs though that's the softest part of your body so i think it's normal to hate it i

think yeah i think it's an evolutionary thing yeah because you know yeah you don't what's the benefit of you know when you're contacting you want you don't want like a you'd be punching your only one big elbow and you know your wife because you should only have sex with her you don't want to be oh yeah i think it's a good thing because it like guarantees clitoral contact when you're fucking missionary that at least that's true i think no i think it's what it is i think it's like as your bird shrinks from being fat you get more of a clitoral punch I think it's like as your bird shrinks from being fat, you get more of a clitoral punch. It's an evolutionary thing. As your bird shrinks from being fat, it's just your body was just like, all right, well.

Because it used to be like powerful to be a fat guy. Like if you were fat, you were the king of the tribe or whatever. Yeah. And you had extra fucking clit power. Yeah. I thought it was because like your brain can't let you think you're not tearing that pussy up. So if you have that extra fat, my brain just sounds like it sounds like you're crushing.

You're only, you're only, you're only putting the tip in. There's a level of amateur porn that is usually like a fatter ball dude with like a big fat, like a scoop of ice cream around his dick. He's just fucking, he's always banging like a thailand

sex slave too it's always a thai sex slave it's like oh hanging out with a thai chick and it's like this woman's trapped those dudes always push from the bottom though i give it up for those dudes those dudes always fuck up from the bottom harder than any jack dude you'll see well you have to so yeah if you're gonna fuck up from the bottom, I think what that is, is, you know, I'm going to spit on here. Obviously, I never do this, but it's like you don't want your dick to slip out when she's on top. So you start fucking. You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You go up while she's going up.

You chase her up. You follow her back down. Yeah. As opposed to being like, could you move a half an inch south so you don't snap my bird in half i think they do that on purpose just to humble you they'll come all the way off it and be like just like hovering they'll all they'll go all the way above your dick and then come back down you're like what the fuck like when you're throwing a baby in the air you got a little bit of air okay don't get air it's like dude you can't get air on my bird. Look, this is totally rad.

I just need you to calm down. I need you to not get air on my bird, please. At least throw a 180 in. Just grind rails on my dick. Just only manuals on my dick. Yeah, dude. No getting air. I hate when people get air on my bird.

720. Comes back down and breaks my bird. I'm like, come on my bird. 720. Comes back down and breaks my bird. I'm like, come on, dude. I twisted my bird again. Yeah, the wife got air last night. She had about four inches

of air, came down, fucking took me out. I think of the ace bandage. Oh, man. Yeah, no. You can get air. If you want wanna get air out

that's fucking risky business that's terrifying that's like refueling a jet in midair it is dude the re-entry is all the way out

all the way in that's porn stuff that is all the way out all the way in it's such it's so ridiculous that's strictly

for dudes wearing sneakers in porn you have you need you have to have a you have to have a dick that wants pussy more than you do. You know? It needs to be like a divine enrata. When it comes out, it doesn't change trajectory. It just goes straight back in. It's like you need a dick that finds pussy for that.

True. All right. Well, this is great. I'll see you guys later. All right. We're done. Thank thank you see you on patreon oh my god we just watched some sick ass republican um propaganda which is pretty happy man i was on youtube today and i'm like looking at it being like dude this is the level of like

election time propaganda we're under like you go on and just like joe biden's a fucking pussy and you're like, can I just watch the shit I'm trying to watch, please? It goes back and forth between being like, Trump loves cops. Joe Biden's a pussy. And then I saw the, someone sent me it on Patreon of that video

I showed you guys of the Jack Black dude who's rapping about, like, how much he loves guns and Trump. Gun-toting patriot. Gun-toting patriot, dude. Lomera, how'd you like that? Mike, please. Dude, I loved it. I was in love with Gun-Toting Patriot. It's Lomera, how did you like that? Meg, please. Dude, I loved it.

I was in love with Gun Toad and Patriot. It's a bop. It's a great song. Did you see his shirt? What'd it say? It said Obamagagate. Like, Obamamagagate. Really?

Capital O-B-A, yeah. It said Obamagate, but the MAGA was capitalized. I thought they capitalized gate. I was watching. That's kind of weird. Yeah, they capitalized all of MA-gate. They should have just done MAGA. They did.

They capitalized MA-gate. MA-gate, yeah. But yeah, it's pretty... I don't know, dude. I feel like the fate of our fake democracy rests in the hands of black voters. Because everyone wants the black vote so bad. Is that actually true? I'm starting to feel like it's a myth.

Nothing means anything. You think black people are a myth? Yeah. You think black people in the U.S. are a myth? Until I see one, I'm not just going to take your word for it. So you think black people are the true Hebrews, is what you're saying? I got some literature for you. Yeah, I don't know, man.

There's also a conspiracy theory. Yeah, melanated voters are a myth, dude. True. Everyone says, like, it comes down to the black vote. It's like, does it? Nothing comes down to anything. Yeah, black people don't even vote. Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

I don't know. There's a lot of guilt with black people not voting. Old black ladies will be like, there's so much like, you know, we did so much shit so you could vote. You have to vote, blah, blah, blah. My wife gets it a lot. But they're the first people not voting. They might not vote, though. They're like the NBA.

Only 20% of old black ladies are registered to vote. Really? Yeah. Do you hear about that? That was the NBA. The NBA is talking all this shit like everybody should vote, go out there and make a change. Only 20% of the NBA players are registered to vote.

Only the white ones. Really? I don't track it that much. All of the non-convicts. It's only... I ain't saying it. The green chair. Oh my god. I've't saying it. The green chair. That was the – Oh, my God. I've been possessed by shame before.

You never know. But I saw they were saying only 20% of the NBA is registered to vote. But, I mean, I can't imagine that more than 20% of the NBA is white. I feel like those numbers probably that's kind of racist no they're definitely not yeah and out of those white guys in the nba i would say what like 60 of them are like from like uh like the czechoslovakian yeah yeah yeah and the other 40 act like melanated voters well yeah i mean that's uh i don't i don't think i think majority of the country doesn't vote though that's the other thing they did a poll and like i think like at least 60

percent of the country doesn't vote do you think the white players in the nba are the black vote how i don't understand i just you know because they're in their canvassing uh you know what what the black players in the nba want and they just go out and they vote for their interests. I think the white players in the NBA are the black vote. Like my white wife, she represents my black vote. Do you vote? No, she does. Yeah.

My wife calls me from the voting booth, and I'm like, pick it. She's like, who should I vote for? And I'm like, let me hear the names. I'm like, do that one. She gets a lot of shit for not her mom's always like you gotta vote yeah i get it you ever well your your child is still very young but eventually you're gonna have to you're gonna give you some a child something that you'll have to save up for and the second they stop using it you're like what the fuck dude that's like two paychecks that you're just letting collect dust that's how old black ladies feel about voting true i can see that're like what the fuck dude that's like two paychecks that you're just letting collect dust that's how old black ladies feel about voting true i can see that being like what

the fuck yeah yeah but dude i don't i mean we're at the point now where it's like you know they're being like joe biden's weak he won't be able to handle it and they're like trump's a fucking it's like why why does the get an ad blocker well it's also i know i first of all yeah first of all i have to but why are you even letting the advertisers get to your eyeballs, let alone your brain, bro? For some reason, I'm cheap about YouTube. I have like a bazillion of subscriptions for $10 a month, but I can't do YouTube Red. I'm like, I refuse. But the – well, it's also like why are we – why does the – some seven-year-old's personality – like why does the fate of the nation depend on somebody's personality?

It's like Joe Biden is a fucking pussy, dude. Yeah. It's like – okay biden's a fucking pussy dude yeah okay what's that what are we what were you talking like the issues can probably be broken down like mathematically and by logic but it's like trump's a fucking dick because you're not actually you're not actually like voting on issues you're not voting on anything dude all you're doing is like voting on who gets like the bigger share of like what the military contractors are going to pay people to just do the shit that they want? Yeah, that doesn't matter.

They don't really even want the black vote because if they wanted the black vote, they'd be in there talking about which one of them gets more pussy. Yep. Who has the better sneakers? Let me see your guns. It's going to get there, dude. Once right now, the geezers are getting pandered to because they're the only people wait sid who what would what would you go after trump for to win the black vote so you can't say like here's what i'll do they're not going to listen when i say that you know who i mean right oh what would you what would your video about trumpy to get the black vote uh

first of all there's no way uh trump can dunk or even slap backboard on a layer he's not even smacking backboard on the layout dog you know come at me what's next after that i mean that's all i got yeah that's my whole platform yeah that's smack backboard right now candace owens and cardi b are beefing right now basically over this thing they're both being like i think candace owens i think she fired first she called cardi b illiterate there's called Cardi B illiterate. She was like, Cardi B's illiterate, blah, blah, blah. And she was like, Cardi B's, like the fact that Joe Biden is like giving an interview with Cardi B of all people, he's pandering. And then Cardi B gave a picture of Trump with like a, it's so funny.

It's Trump just going like smiling into a camera. There's black people touching him and they're in like spiritual rapture. It's pretty fucking sick. And she's like, this is fucking pandering. It's like it's all fucking pandering. Yeah, dude. Again, dude, I just don't even observe. I just want people to turn it off.

It's over. Yeah. I get people who send me shit about it. Like, well, it's like, dude, turn that shit the fuck off. That's my next corner I'm turning. Like, I've basically been cut off by all of like the people who love or plan on voting for Biden in my life. Next, I need to have a serious talk with anyone I know that's retweeting shit that owns the Democrats. It's like, dude, we don't even participate.

Get the fuck out of here. Shut that shit down. It does not fucking matter. Yeah, I've been trying to get my YouTube out. My YouTube, it's funny because I am, whenever I see a black conservative owning someone, I'm like, eh. And I'm like, I'm not interested. I see like a black conservative owning someone. I'm like,

yeah. And I'm like, I'm not interested. Yeah. It is still, it is still funny enough to at least like spare a, a little chuckle for it. Those are the best owning videos online because typically they're, they're owning like some white person that you really think should get it.

Yeah. You know, it's like, you just look at their posture and say, I hope a black person just ruins your day. Yeah. And then they come in there with their fucking conservative property i love it i love black conservatives ruining people's days it's fucking awesome to watch but it's like then again

it's the same thing of watching like you know some lady with like a weird haircut also also too i'm wondering like are there goss anymore or are they just like antifa now i seen goths anymore, but I do see a lot of ladies who would. I see, like, people who are, like, should be goths, but they just have, like, purple and blue hair now. Every white woman between 29 and 31 is goth now. And obviously it doesn't mean anything. Are they, like, repping, like, the, like, demonic spirit world still or is it just social justice? like demonic spirit world still or is it just social like justice i mean they they talk about that but mostly they just complain and uh bitch about you know staying regular and shit like that all boring old lady shit and then also they have weird eyelashes and eyebrows and they're like i'm

fucking goth uh you know i fucking hate my boyfriend all that shit that's all so you still get some goths because i haven't seen i haven't seen any i see people who, in my head, I'm like, you look like you would be a goth. But it's like, I guess they've stopped operating in service to the Dark Lord. Yeah. I think the Dark Lord might close up shop because all these fucking dumb bitches moved on. I might become a Mumiya guy, by the way. What? I'm thinking about becoming a Mumiya guy.

What's Mumiya? Mumiya Abu Jamal? You guys don't know about Mumia? No. Fuck, I was hoping you guys would know all about Mumia. Do you need a guy to shot a cop? Supposedly. He was convicted for it, but there's still...

Oh, he freed the Mumia, yeah. There's controversy. Yeah, I'm going to be a free Mumia guy. Pretty tight. Just try it out. See what happens. It's not bad. I mean, if nothing means anything, I might as well just do the dumbest, weirdest shit

I can do. Yeah, there should be little things. I'm going to get, like, little starter kits. Instead of you get, like, produce delivered to your door, it's just like, here's an identity. Here's all the stuff. Here's your subscription box. Here's your new weird shit for the month. Here's your crybaby box, dude.

Get really upset for 30 days. Never talk to half the people you know again. Yeah, I don't think we're supposed to be watching stuff. I don't think we're supposed to be trying to care about stuff that's not, like, within our, like, as far as we can, like, see. Absolutely not. There's wildfires in California. It's like, dude, that sucks. If I was in California, I'd be very upset about this.

But, like, frankly, I'm not affected by it. It sounds really selfish, but I truly don't care. Like, I see it. It's fucked up. If I know somebody there, I'm like, oh, my God, are selfish but I truly don't care yeah like I see it it's fucked up if I know somebody there I'm like oh my god are you okay but it's like I

it sucks it's fucking horrible but I have too much stuff on my plate I can't worry about fires yeah even halfway across

even if it was like western Pennsylvania I'd be like I'm eastern Pennsylvania yeah my place full fuck off I would love to know

like there's probably a couple different levels of work but like geographically and like emotionally how far is my radius of giving a shit? Basically, it's like California is on fire. Okay, can I still get peaches? Yeah. I'm good.

I'm totally good. Yeah, until it's, like, no more avocados. I'm like, someone's got to do something about this. Yeah. Dude, don't get me wrong. If it was useful, I would pretend to give a shit about a lot more stuff but i don't think it's actually very useful if anything it makes probably makes me more useless i become like a drag on the people that like depend on me and care about me so it's like i'm kind of doing everyone a favor by not

pretending to give a shit about stuff on mine it's like stay useful don't care yeah well like i said if i was over if like my mom was like being engulfed in flames as we speak i'd be like man this is fucking horrible but it's like dude do you truly or do you know nobody who's getting burned up there like it's just i don't know to me maybe um i mean it depends on where she's engulfed by flames true i mean i'm here you know where is she engulfed by flames yeah i just i know people who call me about the news like everything's so fucked up it's like dude to literally turn it off it's like how big of a problem gonna be if you shut that show off like if dude if i i've been watching a lot of smallville if i start hitting you guys with like krypton like kryptonian facts and all

this stuff if i do just turn this shit off you don't have to worry about that yeah i would say it's like dude no there's fucking red krypton there's green turn it off no you don't understand if you if you were in a position in life where like your boss can be mean to you and it'll ruin your afternoon you have no obligation to give a shit about anything that you can't see i think like right in front of you in real life the further the further you try to like solve the world's ills i think the deeper of a hole you get into until you're just like a boring old guy who really never did actually anything for anybody and you're just waiting to die yeah that's

why you need to have kids so you know exactly where your problems are yeah although you are creating some problems for yourself i mean those those are the problems you created you know it's like but but now you know exactly where they are so you don't have to make up other problems you know like my problems are at home with a babysitter right now yeah like if you're that's true if you're if you're like your life's cause you're like in wichita kansas and you're like we have to free uganda it's like all right i just don't you think it's like uh i think it is funny that you have people trying to solve all of like the ills of the world while also kind of trying to have a normal life or like trying to like be an artist it's like here's my new song by the way a cat and then they have to

like list all like their their causes it's like well then how did you make anything did you did you stop caring about that stuff while you made something what do you didn't care about you you weren't saying a cab while you wrote a song yeah so don't don't fucking put it in my mouth i recognize it's sad but i i can't pretend that i'm like disheveled when i hit when i see anything that's not like even with dude there was like helicopters flying above me and, like, stores getting looted. And I was in my house just kind of like, this will be over. This will end. This will end in a couple weeks.

You know, I don't know. Maybe I'm a fucking asshole. Dude, there was six gunshots. I was woken up by six gunshots last night. And I ran to my, I have a big bay window in the front of my house. I ran to my window. And I couldn't see anyone that was upset about it. And I couldn't see any smoke, and I didn't see any sirens.

I was like, what am I going to go outside? I just went back to bed. So someone potentially was shot six times with an earshot of my front door. And I was like, I got a lot to do tomorrow. I went back to sleep. I'm like, I wonder what he did. Yeah, I think that would help people big time. It's like, dude, turn off the news.

You know, stop worrying about, like, dude, Biden's hiding in his basement. He's no way. It's like, dude, okay. Dude, the Dems are going to blow this. Like, who cares, dude? It doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't matter to you. It's never mattered to me.

Exactly. My guys, well, back when I gave a shit, my guys, like, won elections. And, like, I got to watch, like, mathematically my life get worse because of things that they did. And I was like, ah, I kind of gave a shit about the wrong thing there. I should have put those resources somewhere else in my life. Dude, I say these are the new party lines. I feel like girls are Democrats, boys are Republicans. We should just rock it like that.

Okay, Democrats for girls, Republicans for boys. And then just let it rip, dude. I'm pretty – I'm sorry, dude. I don't mean to be political, but I think the Democrats are for girls. Democrats are for girls. Republicans are for boys. Let's all get along and move on. If you're a boy and you're a Democrat, stop being a girl.

Become a Republican. Isn't it weird also that they kind of think that once one side – they think that one side is going to eventually win everything and there's not going to be the other side. If one side wins everything, that's a fucking totalitarian regime. So it's never going to happen. They keep – you get Bush as an office, and then it kind of lies about weapons of mass destruction,

which kind of invades a country and kills hundreds of thousands of people. And everyone's like, you're a war criminal. And now people, everyone says war criminals. So, like, what does that even mean? But it's like, you know, then that happens. Then, you know, now it's like Bill Clinton. Then there's a bunch of scandals with him. So it's like Bush fucked us up so bad.

I'm going to take us here. Then the next Republican leader after Clinton is like Clinton fucked up the country. And they just trade back and forth. So both people are about to be like it's on and it's never on. They're just stagnated and it's getting fucked left, right, and center. Dude, the narrative right now is that like black people are being hunted by the police. White people are about to get like completely dunked on by communism. Both parties are being like, yo, you guys will die if we don't win.

And that's the state we're in right now. And it's like, neither of those are going to happen. You guys will be, it'll be the same old shit as it's always been year after year. They're just hyping up the fear factor on everybody. Because so many, dude, fucking like, I think like seven years ago, they did a poll. And they were like, do you think the government makes decisions with your best interest? And I think 30% of people said yes. So then that was before Obama.

So then Obama came. And all of a sudden, it's like, if you're like, yo, I think the government's all of a sudden it's like if you're like yo i think the government's full of shit people like you're a fucking dork dude what do you love trump so they i think the government psyoped us to get uh you know people have faith in government now because now if you're like dude i'm not wearing a mask like what are you a fucking piece of shit well and it's like you know i get not wearing it but it's like dude it literally seven years ago i forget people can look it up but there was a poll and it was like 70 of people were like yeah the government's full of shit now bumming me out if you say that now it's it's come about where if you're like you know the government's full of

shit people like fuck you dude what are you conspiracy theorists vote biden yeah all right i guess yeah i liked it back when we when we all thought the government was full of shit and yeah science was better yeah you know what mean? Like, science used to be cool. You know? And we used to know... Remember back when we... I don't remember that. Yeah, what are you talking about?

I mean, not that it was cool. You're talking Bill Nye or Neil Grass. Well, I was talking about... Nothing was ever cooler than when I would fill my school bag all the way up. I love dinosaurs. Name a cooler time in history. It's back when guys were allowed to be autistic that's what I'm talking about

do you remember back when we all had an awareness that science was incomplete right that it was an ongoing thing yeah and now all of a sudden people are just like well why the fuck isn't all the science out on coronavirus it's like dude science is an incomplete thing it's never complete we're always gonna be learning shit yeah you know and now People are just like, well, why the fuck isn't all the science out on coronavirus? It's like, dude, science is an incomplete thing.

It's never complete. We're always going to be learning shit. Yeah. You know? And now they're like using that against us. Lemaire? Excuse me, Lemaire. You're stoned?

What's that rumbling around? What's that rumbling around? It's just some water bottles. Oh. That's what happens. Man, you should have went with like two white potheads. around. It's just some water bottles. That's what happens. Man, you should have went with two white potheads. You got ethnic potheads.

That's not a good idea. You put ethnic potheads together, they just start doing their own shit. Honestly, they keep the chatter down. That would be sick if there was a constant buzz of chatter behind us. Like, yo. Like you start saying something to the man. He's like, oh, no, Matt, don't go in there.

Don't go in there. They're just showing each other viral videos left and right. Like, yo, check this out. Also, I'm proud of you guys. No one's charging their phone right now. It's pretty good. It's pretty good. The ultimate move, if they just constantly interrupted the podcast to show you pictures of fucking fat, naked women on the Internet.

What about that? They got one? They got to do a Cricket Mobile commercial where they're like, the new Cricket Mobile 7 has 30 minutes of battery time. You can make it literally to work. Plug in your phone. But Sid, I think you're absolutely right, man. I think that's people now are like,

I just look, I just trust science. And it's like, which part of it, dude? There's like always conflicting views in it. And people are like, no, I can, you know, the one with the most money behind it. And it's like, oh, okay.

It's always, it's the science we hear first. Like that's the credible science. Like whatever information we hear first, if somebody in the lab coat tells us something first, we're like, yes, that.

And then anybody else comes out with something. First of all, like, so you take the coronavirus, for example, they were like, uh, you gotta,

you gotta stay inside. And then we're like, yeah, that's right. You gotta stay inside. And then pandemic came out was like yo but that's how we build an immunity we have to go and embrace this like fuck you dude stay inside yeah but like for years up until they said stay inside the science was get your immunity yeah like go out there and embrace it so like how did that even switch sign is sinus science caused uh the peanut

allergy well it didn't cause it but that was the the the thing was like dude keep kids away from peanuts all together like dude kids were dying because they had you know the peanut allergies and then they came out and they're like actually like they're like keep all the peanuts out of schools blah blah blah and uh and then they came out like actually no if you give your kids peanuts you're making the peanuts stronger you fell right into their trap mr planter dude but no they science said like no keep peanuts away from kids just like kids and peanuts can't be near each other anymore and then they came out and was like actually no the kids are dying because of that you got to expose your kids to peanuts uh like really and you know people would have been like i trust this dude i brought

when i was working in a when i had had a internship last year in high school, or I think I was in a grade school, I brought fucking Reese's Cups in there. And it was like the kids freaked out. They're like, holy shit, we have fucking Reese's Cups? And I was like, I didn't know I wasn't allowed to have them. So I had to walk from the room holding them. I felt like I was smuggling a pound of weed, dude. I was walking with Reese's Cups just like, oh, my God.

We had a lady. One time I was talking to a lady about her son's peanut allergies. And then Tim tumble rolled into the conversation. And he was like, what are you guys talking about? We're talking about peanut allergies. And Tim was like, oh, my whole entire diet is peanut butter. And the lady was like, oh, my. You would have thought he pulled peanut butter out and rubbed it on her kid right then and there.

Yeah, I was asked to leave a children's jiu-jitsu class I was coaching. Because you eat so much peanut butter? Well, because I just finished eating an Uncrustable on the mat. On the mat. Did you ever toast an Uncrustable? No. Time out. Let's get serious.

Have you ever toasted an Uncrustable? No, dude. My God, dude. Yeah? You got to toast it on high? I mean, I would imagine you have to toast it on high. It's frozen. They're frozen.

I haven't had one in a while. Okay. I think you would microwave it to defrost it. No, you leave it out to defrost it. Or leave it out. Yeah, it's true. If you microwave it, it'll turn into like mortar at the end. Yeah, it separates the peanut butter.

Defrost it. Toss one of those things in the toaster. Bro, an Uncrustable toasted. I'm already a two Uncrustable serving guy. I don't need to do anything that's i'm not trying to fucking make my bird disappear i've got a great balance half pipe i've got a perfect balance of fucking fat dick meat clit simulation and you know what i'm talking about true i'm not trying to fucking

ruin the if you doubled your incrustable intake dude eat an incrustable on the mat I was like putting the last bite in my mouth she's like doesn't have peanut butter in it does it

yeah what do you mean crust no it doesn't have crust I don't know why but I remember in my mind you with the

uncrustable in your hand tumble rolling into the conversation I literally rolled into the conversation I literally rolled into it so she asked you to leave

she asked me to go wash my face in the bathroom to get the peanut butter off of it damn I did not plan on touching any children

with my face yeah did the kid have the peanut allergy yeah a touch peanut allergy so if you touch anything that has been contaminated with the nut, you'll die.

I don't think her kid actually has a peanut allergy. Because I've watched her kid work with my kid multiple times. And every time my kids show up anywhere, they are lathered in peanut butter. Yeah, true. I make sure of it. Yeah, I gave Maya peanut butter pretty early. Oh, yeah yeah they tell you don't even try certain foods with babies bullshit no dude my uh yeah my pediatrician was telling us

or really my is was like there's like a window when they're little that like you can just give them whatever like just have some benadryl handy worst comes to worst hit him with some benny yeah like you'll get you'll know you see you and i are kind of lucky because our kids are like peanut butter color true so you can't really tell that's what my kids just show up my kids show up a hot mess everywhere they go but nobody knows because they're just oh the peanut butter camouflage yeah it's like driving a dark colored car you gotta get it washed less often true that is pb camouflage yeah i mean that that sucks. Sucks kids how to die. Do they die?

I have one of my dumb beliefs. I believe no one's ever died from a food allergy. I know my sister has a shellfish allergy, and she is one of her favorite delicacies is anything that's like she's alert, like this shellfish allergy triggers, and she'll just come home from a night out just looking fully bullfrogged out in the throat. Yeah. And it's like,

hell yeah, you got into some crab. Someone who used to buy EpiPens and just like pig on shrimp and just hit himself. It's like, fuck it. And it's Epi tripping, dude.

Yeah. I, it's funny too. When you get into the allergies between different races, cause it's like white people, I think have certain allergies. Black people have like, I've encountered like, like I'm i'm allergic to oranges i'm like what the fuck yeah that's a strange one it's like i can't eat melons is it fucks up my sight say what that's me really melons make i have an allergic reaction to melons yeah dude i still eat

them really it's that watermelon because i'm not trying to you know fulfill any stereotypes you don't want to die from it yeah local man dies from watermelon the worst the worst way to go it's a picture of you in a watermelon and the people i told you he wasn't black true black conservative can't risk dying from watermelon he's already writing the blog right now lamar is over there writing it like dude sydney ain't black he's allergic to watermelon oh man but yeah i've noticed that i remember uh the kids i worked with would hit me with allergy they hit me with allergies and i was like get the fuck out of here same when black people encounter me with gluten allergies they're like shut up and i'm like come on yeah come on

oranges come on i think there's something that's making people more allergic to shit too. Like lifestyle. I'm not saying there's like, you know, chemtrails or anything, but like, I think our lifestyles are making us more allergic to shit. Yeah.

A fucking lady I know who's like 40 years old just found out that she's allergic to corn. She was like getting sick and she had to go to a doctor and the doctor's like, you have a corn allergy. She was like, shut the fuck up. No one's allergic.

And no, she's, she's got to avoid corn. Yeah. I think, I think it's probably, I don't know if it's the, because they used to spray pesticides, I feel like, even more. But I don't know. Some people say it is like kind of all the pesticides. Or someone can say like the food's genetically modified. So now like people, your body's just like, what the fuck is this?

So I don't know. Yeah, I mean, it's not, we're not eating the original corn. Yeah. We're not eating maize. No. This is beefed up corn. My boy claims to have Landry strain of OG corn, OG sweet corn. Claims.

I don't know. Outdoors? I haven't tasted it. Is it outdoors? It's outdoors. Outdoors sweet corn. It's outdoors sweet corn. OG Landry strain.

Sour maize. Have you had a regular seeded watermelon any time recently? No. What am I, fucking homeless? Get out of my face. I only fuck with seeds. Seeded watermelons. I don't trust unseeded watermelons.

I mean, it's so fucking awesome when it has no seeds, but I had a seeded one yesterday i'm like holy fuck it's like every bite you're like yeah yeah fuck that pretty tight eating seedless watermelon is the most in the future i feel i'm just like dude we've mastered the world we fucking whip this bitch that's that's why black people eat watermelon because we get to spit the seeds out true yeah you only eat food where we also get to spit it out. True. Like sunflower seeds.

Do they still have that steakhouse where you can eat peanuts and throw them at the waitress? Yeah. Just throw the peanuts at the waitress. I'm thinking of Five Guys burgers. No, no, no. Not Lone Star. Lone Star used to be able to eat the peanuts and then just throw the shells on the ground. Sid, what's that black food that makes, where to spit the seed out, you have to cross the street really slowly? What's that?

That's sunflower seeds. That's for sure sunflower seeds. That's why we eat sunflower seeds. Sunflower seeds are cross-cultural. Oh, for sure. White dudes spit them unsuccessfully out of their car, and they just land in the backseat. Yeah, like in the window, like in that window. like dude my uh so i was down florida recently and the lady came up um so we're at the house and the lady came up was like oh you know i live here this is a neighbor here blah blah

and apparently she was like one of the guys one of the lady's husbands just died and i was like oh that sucks she's like no it was pretty funny, actually. He accidentally poisoned himself. He tried to make himself a health concoction. A tonic? A tonic. The shit that was growing outside. He picked like, I don't know if you ever did this. When you were really little, you'd make potions.

You'd take weird berries and mix them in water. Three different sodas. No, my cousin used to actually try to make a poison for his neighbor. So he would mix these weird berries and mash them up with mud and all kinds kinds of shit and be like, I'm going to get her to drink this. I'm like, dude, she's never going to drink that. But this guy made a potion from like these weird berries, drank it, died. Dang. He made a potion for himself at like 75.

Fucking croaked outside. Jesus Christ. He's a 75-year-old kindergartner. Back, died outside. But apparently he had exposed himself. So I was like, you know, I was wondering why. Wait, as he was like. No, no, no apparently he had exposed himself so i was like you know i was wondering why he was like no no he he had exposed before okay wait he was greek so yeah oh well come on yeah that doesn't count wait i feel like i just lost time what do you mean he

exposed himself so i was wondering why the lady was being so kind of like yeah he died it was hilarious and but apparently like a year before he had like showed bird through like she was looking out her way he was out he actually exposed bird from outside her house he pressed it into the screen door i think the window he just like showed bird and was like sorry i didn't i know you're there i mean she's lucky she was living next to an old greek dude that ever had bird not exposed true like old greek dudes always have their dick out true like like all that like that's like the uh like the the closer you get to, like, the source of the romance languages,

like, when they get older, their dicks are never even... Speedo, for sure. It's like one of those Speedos with, like, just their balls on either side. Basically. It's like a thonged testicle. After they take a bath,

they go outside and dry it on the porch with a towel. Just individual bird rolling. Yeah, we should get into that. I would definitely show testes, dude. Yeah? Showing yeah showing tests i was talking about showing testicle cleavage years ago really yeah talking like hanging them out the side or just like i don't know what the mechanics of it would be but uh it's just got to be a hint you need to show a hint of ball yeah but then you get the pheromones flown and who knows what kind of trouble to get just show the one show your best one.

True. Just put the best one out there. Whatever hangs lower. Basically, yeah. Yeah. Let them know what you're working with. I don't know. Maybe, I don't know.

I thought about showing my balls. I think you're allowed to show your balls, aren't you? I think you're allowed to show your testicles. If you're like, I don't think that's a decent exposure. I think bell end constitutes a decent exposure. I can hear LeMire Googling it. Women can show a certain, because I know there's a law. You can legally show, I think, like an inch and a half of your butt crack. I think there's a limit on your butt crack before it goes from plumbers to moon.

So I think legally you're allowed to expose someone to like three inches of your butt crack. Yeah, I remember when. It's your God-given right the wwf figured that out with lita and she got to show her crack on tv every monday night they had the they had the ratio down what is it the mayor no dice what no testicles no testicles well what about that ass how much ass we found our movement uh What happened to it? What about ball skin? What about a flap of ball skin? What if you're like, hey, you want some bubble gum? I'll allow a little bit of ball skin.

Once it loads, I'll read you the legislature. On balls? On indecent exposure. I need specifics. It tells you specifics. If it's funny, does that count as indecent exposure? Does it read as like, thou shall not show any testicles? Essentially.

Nor any bell end? A person commits the crime of indecent exposure if with intent to arouse... What if you're just teaching? God damn. What if you're just trying to get somebody horny? With intent to arouse or gratify sexual desire of himself or of any person other than his spouse, he exposes his genitals under circumstances in which he knows his conduct is likely to cause affront or alarm in any public place or the private premise of another or so near thereto

as to be seen from such private premises. Wait a second. That's Alabama. So if I stood on my porch with my dick out to get my wife wet, that counts? That's fine. Unless someone else saw it. Unless someone else sees it and is upset about it. But you can shoot them because it's Alabama.

If they're on your property, they see your dick, you can shoot them. It's Castle Dock. Yeah. You need to be way on my property to see my dick. I can definitely stay in my ground. You need to be a burglar. But it has to be intent to arouse. So if you go to a playground and you're like, I hate this, and you take your dick out.

You're in the clear, dude. Well, the Pennsylvania statute. Tell me why I love Pennsylvania. With this one trick. I love how they had to figure this out in the 1700s. You can show your penis to your wife. Thou can show penis to wife. From thou house.

From thine house a person commits indecent exposure if that person exposes his or her genitals in any public place or in any place where the there are present or present other persons under circumstances in which he or she knows or should know that this conduct is likely to offend a front or alarm so if you're autistic you can just show testicles what do you mean yeah it says if you're aware that it'll it'll like mess somebody up then it's against the law if you're autistic, you can just show testicles. What do you mean? Yeah. It says if you're aware that it'll mess somebody up, then it's against the law. If you're clueless to the matter, you can do whatever you want. But could I be like... Claim autism.

Like if the cops showed up and I was like, I didn't know they were going to be pussies about that. Yeah, I didn't understand how they get upset. Yeah. It's a cultural thing. Damn. I already got my answer. Also, there was a... I've had a couple strolls and you know i don't really care about this but uh britney gets really upset when people pee in public and

like show full bird like we'll get like really daring public urinators who just like bust out a fucking hog and just pee and then she'll be like and it's like first of all i'm like dude you know she'll always be like is that person peeing are they peeing oh i like, and it's like, first of all, I'm like, dude, you know, she's like, she'll always be like, is that person peeing? Are they peeing? Oh, I saw their penis. It's like, well,

you asked three times if they're peeing, continue to stare and then you saw their penis. Yeah. You like craned your neck for the proper angle. that's kind of,

I hate that. It's kind of your fault. I mean, the dude was, and that's the other thing, the guy, I think he was like, no,

I'm just taking a piss, but it might be, cause I think people who need to show bird, it's like a real compulsion. Like they were like, they're like, fuck it. I gotta show, I gotta show it. And I'm just taking a piss. And he was like, I'm just taking a piss, but it might be because I think people who need to show bird, it's like a real compulsion. They're like, fuck it. I got to show it. I'm just taking a piss.

And he was like, flop bird. Dude, this guy did it. Two girls walked by, and he just like, hunk. I was on the other side of the street, but they got an up-close view, and they were like, what the fuck? So I think if you're like a have-to-show-bird kind of person, which it's not a nice thing to do, but appreciate the confidence. How much of your bird do you take out when you piss? This dude busted out his dick, dude, because she was like, oh, I saw his penis and I like saw it out of the corner of my eye. And I'm like, that was his dick.

And I was like, ah, God damn it. Yeah, it was fucking nice. Yeah. It's like a fat fucking dick. I saw it from my peripheral. I was opening a hoagie. What the fuck was that? Oh, he made a fist.

But yeah, he busted Dong out. He actually peed right in front of some public health building. It'll get cleaned up. Yeah, it was. Actually, I went by because she went home. We were going to the dog park. She left the dog park early, so I walked on that side of the street to see his piss puddle. It wasn't that big. So I'm like, this guy might have just been showing dog yeah it was like an

emergency piss yeah this wasn't yeah emergency piss goes like you could i would have followed that down the street into the sewer yeah this was like the last like 70 25 of the block yeah i've taken emergency pisses in public they run yeah they go you know a little waterfall off the curb down a thing this was just like a cat splat. Just like a splat, and then, like, it stopped, like, probably a foot later. I feel like you see ladies piss in Philly a lot. Dude. This might be the lady piss capital of the world. Spud has a fucking camera on his driveway.

It's nothing but people shitting in his driveway. People take shits. People take shits in his driveway, and ladies, like, dude, women, they're professionally dressed. They'll just stop and just spray piss everywhere and just pull their pants up and leave. Women secretly love pissing. In public? Yeah, outside at least. I don't know if they want to be witnessed, but they definitely, they're like, guys, I think I got to pee outside.

And all the other women are like, oh, go ahead. Yeah. It's a major insecurity. Speaking on behalf of all women around the world, it's a major insecurity for speaking on behalf of all women around the world it's a major insecurity for women to not be able to stand up and pee i mean dude imagine watching imagine if you all had to sit down and pee and your wife just like stood up and was like like checking her phone you're like fuck dude yeah fucking rules you're just like and i'm just like yo i see that little mark you left. I'm going to blast that.

I'm going to precisely aim and blast that off the side. I'm going to split your arrow. It's got to fuck you up. Dude, I remember the first piss that I was ever envious of was this guy,

this big dude, full public piss, but he was like walking forward as he was pissing. And I was like, I got to fucking try that Tried it the first time I tried to pissed all over my basketball shorts Yeah, if you ever see a dude walking down the street backwards and you can't see his hands he's pissing

down the street backwards and you can't see his hands he's pissing i've done a lot of backwards walks yeah yeah i mean saint patty's day that is like just people backwards walk pissing down the street yeah no it's actually a funny visual seeing like you as a young boy to see this guy just like i mean in in reality that's how you're supposed to piss. You're supposed to piss and like cautiously walk behind it. Yeah, with Sid watching you like he's watching a parade, like he's watching an astronaut go by. Like, wow. What angle are you using, dude? Mom, look.

Do you think someday? You're probably angling too high up. A fucking piss parade? Just every dude who can piss while walking down Main Street. I'm not going lie dude i'm starting to get a little bold in the public rest public bathrooms i've been flying a decent amount i've been stepping back i've been like getting i've been getting some distance a little bit of razzle dazzle i've been making up for lack of bird with just like fucking long shot just confidence i'm like yeah man i see what you got over there but can you do this and i'm back like a dude i've been sitting back for lack of bird with just like fucking long shot. Just confidence. I'm like, yeah, man, I see what you got over there, but can you do this? And I'm back like a, dude, I've been sitting back like a while just being like, say something.

Damn. I've gone through something about this, dude. I've been, I've adjusted since I, I've had so many like shitting your pants close calls. I've, I've fully adjusted to even the filthiest bathroom situation. I've gone full Indonesian toilet. I stand on the seat with my sneakers yeah i don't hover anymore dude it wears out your quads and i'm a bigger fella so yeah don you've crouched basically bro i did it in a porta potty when i was at the uh the hotel from twin

peaks when i was in uh where is that uh whatever out in oregon yeah yeah or uh washington uh there was like no no inside bathrooms and all the like porta potties outside were just demolished yeah of course they come like that yeah yeah so i well drops them off like shits everywhere in them bro i i went in one fucking jump did the 180 and just feet onto the the seat he parkoured yeah dude well because you can't touch anything inside to brace yourself to get up. Well, the dude who drops them off, I'm pretty sure a standard issue is you shit, you pee all over them, and then you write the N-word on the side.

Like, all right, it's all ready for you. Like smack the toilet paper going out. Pop, pop, this ready. This one's ready for you guys. There's a second guy with a clipboard checking it off. He's like, you got the N-word, right? All right. Oh, shit, I got to go back.

Someone else did two i think we're left from last time it's all good so yeah i've tried it since then i've tried it out in rest stops a campground bathroom i i just like splatter i guess you're are you dropping logs or like is this does this work with diet i mean dude i don't level shit i run the fucking gamut bro come on man i'm not whatever you're not gonna get married to one shit for the rest of your life, dude. I'm in a phase right now. I'll go loose. I'm in a big shrimp basket phase. Not even shrimp basket.

I'm in like a leech. I think it's an intestinal blockage. But it's like when you get those flat fucking snaky turds. I've been rocking. It's snakes in a can. That's the one I won't put up with. You sit down. You go.

And you look down. It's just like nine skinny turds. And you're like. No. I'll go full liquid inverted mushroom cloud like up the side of the bowl. That's the one I won't put up with. You sit down, you go, and you look down, it's just like nine skinny turds. And you're like, what the hell? I'll go full liquid inverted mushroom cloud like up the side of the bowl. That's fine. I won't do skinny snakes. Get that shit out of my face.

I've looked it up. I think it's when you're – I don't know what causes this, but I guess if I'm eating the wrong stuff, I can get – maybe it's super spicy food. Your intestines will kind of – I guess they inflame. And then there's like one spot of your intestines that are inflamed, and then the turd gets play-doh molded like it's like steam rolled Oh kinks the hose flat you've got a thumb over your butthole I got a bad I got a bad asshole dude my my great my grandfather my dad's I dude died of asshole poisoning he had an asshole stuff didn he concoct that in his back he died from asshole asshole took out my grandfather

oh man turns out it was asshole doctor you got a bad asshole toxic asshole dude how long do i have the so your asshole doesn't work and he was like, you're gay. You're, dude, you're like, I'm gonna get my asshole checked. Who would even check another man's asshole?

Let's talk about that in stand-up. Gay doctors only. I swear to God, I used to talk about this in stand-up, but it was family lore that he,

the doctor was like, we gotta check you out and he was like, fuck that, dude. He turned down like a butthole check and then just died

of colon cancer. He's like, that's fucking gay gay also crashed a trash truck into a bridge same day he didn't have the clear no he didn't have the clearance yeah and just fucking dude clearance is gay right it got bucked up dude yeah have you have you considered that maybe your nightmare hemorrhoid is like eye of sauron gathering strength right now and it's gonna it's gonna show his face again dude i'm not gonna lie i also found out i was uh it's making me fart i'm sorry it's all good you can fart dude my i found out from my we talked about this before on the podcast but the uh i i like for some sort of school thing i had to look into like um as far as they like as far as you can go back see like your grandparents like what what was up with their life and do like a whole like

family tree like genealogy thing because you're trying to assess like intergenerational stuff and like your personal family context and i my aunt was like yeah your great-grandmom dropped one of her kids into the skookle oh yeah i remember the story dude i was like we were down in florida and i was near the gulf and i was holding my we were down in Florida, and I was near the Gulf, and I was holding Maya. We're checking out the fish, and I was like death gripping. I was like, dude, this shit is fucking in the family. I was so scared of fucking dropping her in the water because I was like, we're feeding. There's all these catfish coming up.

It was super fun, but I was like, this is probably what got one of my great uncles, dude. Look at that catfish. And he was like, what? You want to feed the ducks? Imagine dropping like a fucking 18- old into the water that's it game over dude did i talk about the fucking the kayaking kid on here no when i was in uh when i was in the pacific northwest we went to this fucking campground i talked about this on dad meat but uh this fucking dad took his uh 10 year old son

kayaking they were in separate kayaks. And this river was, this river was so buck wild that I wouldn't even get into it. It was like a joke. Oh yeah. And they got separated. The dad thought of his kayak and he swam to shore and just watched his 10 year old go down the river. And it's,

that was the beginning of July. There's still people out there looking for the kid. Yeah. They're like, he might've got out and he might've escaped the river and like camped out. He had pretty good survival skills. Dude, the weekend I was there, I was swimming in like the lakes and shit like that. I got up in the middle of the night in a light rain and I was so cold.

I was like, I might die before I get back to my tent from like 500 feet away. And they were like, yeah, maybe he's out there. Maybe he's out there. So anyway, this dude just watched his 10-year-old just sail off out of his life. His 10-year-old probably found a dad that wasn't a pussy and was like, raise me. True. Please raise me. That was what my wife said.

I was like, can you believe the dad got out of the water? She was like, I would make you get back in. We'd drive back, and I would watch you get back in the river. Yeah, dude. That's crazy. That is crazy. So be kind to your ancestors, man. Who knows what the river was looking like that day?

Maybe it rained. The skugel? Yeah, maybe the Maybe it rained. The skugel? Yeah, maybe the skugel. The skugel. I mean, the skugel has a little current, but there's no wrap. I mean, also the water is like, it's basically like half water, half oil. So it was probably super dark. Do you ever, there was this one pool game I played.

I went to a summer camp one time, and they covered a watermelon in Vaseline, and you had to like fight over the watermelon in the pool who knows how slippery that baby maybe they got the baby a couple times like oh true and it was just like it was just gone yeah more it's like an iphone back then you're just like just a phone you should have leave the phone go to a fucking iran Iranian dude for crack baby repair. Ruined her marriage. Yeah, of course it did.

Took her toll. She's remarried. Like the baby was gone. It was a gone, like the baby. As far as I know. Unless, you know, unless you just fucking. Because a lot of parent drop stories, it's like you pick it right back up. Yeah. You know, and it's like, ah, you still tell the story because.

I want to do babies float. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. There's that thing where they like take newborns and throw them in water and they have like that swim reflex yeah huh i mean there's noah yeah noah floated in a basket that might have been mostly bad yeah basket was mostly that's the thing if you're taking your kid to the water take a wicker basket true at least we'll end up in like the hands of the pharaoh we'll end up in a really cool book at some point i'd be sick if we floated all the way up to the northeast and got to like the head contractor i'm gonna name this baby james yeah man that's uh i was like dude that would fucking i would the whole time i was there i was like all right even if you did sink could i like see and would i jump it dude the whole time

was like doing math of like jumping yeah partly being like also that'd be pretty sick if i got the saber cool no i'm like kind of tortured by that question because she goes she comes in the pool with us and i'm like would she hold her breath if I just went under real quick? I'm curious, but I'm like, also, could she gulp it in? Yeah. Dude, one time we were at a playground, and Finn was – my son was on a slide, and he was sliding down, like, on his stomach. And, like, as he was sliding down, he was, like, saying bye to me. And then one time he did it, like, I dove on my stomach and grabbed his hand,

and he still recalls that as, Dad, remember that one time you saved me on the slide what was he about to like go down and get crushed i just did it for to be funny it was just like i got you you know just like it was life or death yeah yeah yeah he still remembers that as me saving him pretty tight dude it's it's and i feel like a hero every time i think about it it's pretty sick you fake saved him fake saved him? Yeah. And my auntie was there, and so was his grandmom. His grandmom also saw it. So she's like, he can take care of my grandkid. Pretty tight, dude. Yeah.

Did you see the guy who ditched his son? What did you hear about him? No, we got there the day that the search party started. Yeah, come on. I'd be in the river right now if I needed to. Also, dude, there should be a rule. If you jump into a river like that and save someone else's kid. That's yours.

You should get the buck their wife. No, give the kid back. You should get the buck their wife or take their kid. It should be like a carnival. You get to pick. They're all on the same prize level. I mean, naturally, you should at least get head. Yeah.

Look, man, here's your kid. I need head right now. It just has to happen. It's a perfect prize because any woman would suck to get their kid back from her. For sure. For sure.

I wish I could start that stupid fucking sentence. I'd be so pissed. That's the girl's version. Be like, well, I was supposed to suck his dick and I didn't want to. You're telling me you're going to suck his dick

and our kid floated down the river? What the fuck? Get out of the way. I'll do it yeah give me it come here that's actually what it should be like if the dad is there tim jumps in saves their kid the mom should get to choose which one of them suck tim's dick yeah either she would want to so badly that she would do it or she would be able to force her husband to true that would be so sick also first of all 2020 swag is the new answer to all those questions like

would you suck a dick for a million dollars yes for sure yeah i don't trust you if you act like you wouldn't like for a million dollars no it's like film it actually i don't know yeah i go back and forth on that i'm like i'll take a million and it's like like here's my dick how did we get rich again I have to get a million dollars. And it's like, here's my dick. How did we get rich again? You're like, oh, here it is on YouTube. It's like your grandfather blowing some guy. Thumbs up in the camera. Don't worry about me. I'd be like, dude, you loved us.

Is it that serious? Dude, if I was like, you know, say like I was like the great grandchild. Say I found out my great grandfather could have sucked a dick and I could have been like Donnie trump basically the son yeah coked on yeah they're trying to say he's coked out yeah they've been saying he's been snorting adderall for years yeah same thing so i could i could have been coked out at the rnc at the boys party the boys republican fucking nomination i've been like dude my dad fucking rules i'll do we're probably my great grandfather blew somebody we're half a generation from from dudes just sucking each other for clout. Dude, I'm telling you.

I was in social work school, and there was a guy being like – I made out with some of my male friends. It's like a new thing to be like – It's pretty gay to not be gay right now. It is. Among young kids. I feel like I made it to this point. Yeah.

I feel like I made it to this point. Yeah. Right. Like in my neighborhood, there were so many circumstances where dudes had to end up sucking a dick. And I made it out. Like I'm 40 now. It's like I'm not going back. What was the circumstances? Just dudes making other dudes suck their dick.

You know, like we'll be hanging out at a thing and be like, all right, it's time for somebody to suck my dick. And I like jumped out a fucking window. It's like I'm gone. that literally happened like so yeah i'm gonna say his name too because he got me hit by a car but my uh my cousin for not sucking dick my one of my uh my cousin trentis we were hanging out at this dude's house and both of them like the guys who we were hanging out with they were both a little retarded like a little autistic but the older brother was, like, he was more functional. Puppet master.

Basically. And he came in, and he locked the door behind him, and he was like, all right, somebody's sucking my dick. And my cousin tried to start laughing like it was a joke. I didn't know if it was a joke or not. I fucking jumped right out the fucking first floor window. Not even hesitation. Also, I always wanted to jump. Win-win.

Their window was like, it was one of those windows that was low enough that if you, like, you could step out of it and be touching the ground and still in the house at the same time. You went head first, though. I always, I dove, tumble- dove tumble rolled got up ran went home uh told i went straight to his house my cousin's house yeah to tell his mom what happened and then they all went down to the house and they were banging on the door and everything it was it was a big deal that's a big fucking deal it was a big and then like it's molestation they got in and they got uh my cousin they got him out and it was like, we're never talking about this again. Yeah. Yeah. Like,

I mean, he never expressed whether or not he did suck the dick, but he had. That's usually the first sign of having sucked the dick. Yeah. Yeah. But not it.

Definitely not. What do you mean? Damn, that's fucked, dude. Yeah, it was pretty, it was pretty ridiculous.

You know, I'm, I'm just like. How'd you get hit by the car? He, so, uh, years later,

which was probably retribution for me leaving him to suck a dick, it was almost as if he planned it. He came into the rec center and was like, yo, you want to go to Brunish's to get some hot dogs? Which should have took that as a sign. And then we crossed the street and there was this dog in this yard. It was never on a leash and it would always run up to

the hedges damn and then he like loved to get chased yeah so he was like yeah sorry sorry as soon as the dog started running towards us like he was like yo it's coming and i started running and he pushed me into the street but he was pushing me to get me to start running with him so we could both run together. But I was like, I knew that dog wasn't going to come out of the yard. So I was trying not to run and he pushed me and I was like stumbling to the side. Save my energy in case someone made me suck a dick. The last thing I remember is him backing up. Like he like pushed me.

Then he started backing up and I was like and like i woke up in the hospital damn yeah yeah he pushed me into a car jesus christ yeah do you see this dude at all i saw him recently i went to uh i went to potstown with a friend i saw him he just bought a new motorcycle and he never ridden a motorcycle and drove it all the way back for like 10 miles and almost died a bunch of times. It was just like, yeah, you're still fucking living a risky lifestyle, dude. Yeah, dude. How many dicks you suck today?

I thought I was bad babysitting. I would like lock myself in my parents' room and just jerk off to like Swiggle Channel. I was like, man, I was a shitty babysitter. But, dude, I was a saint, dude. Yeah, well, he was my age. We're the same age. Yeah. So, I mean, he wasn't babysitting me. I. Yeah, well, he was my age. We're the same age. Yeah. So, I mean, he wasn't babysitting me.

Yeah, he was saying, yeah. But it was, yeah, he was always, like, all of the big trouble that I ever got into, he was responsible for it. Like, I'd never, I was never the person to, like, yo, let's go do this slightly illegal shit. Yeah. He would ask me to go somewhere with him, and then next thing I know, it's like, oh, by the way, we go do this slightly illegal shit. Yeah. He would ask me to go somewhere with him and then next thing I know it was like, oh, by the way,

we're doing this slightly illegal shit. Sounds like a motherfucker, dude. Yeah, he was the motherfucker. I mean, dude, that's like, this is as bad as it gets. Yeah.

They said that the other dudes were kind of like, had some like, alt-ist stuff going on. Yeah, the dick-sucking guys? Yeah. Yeah, they were fucked up. Jesus Christ, dude.

It's really like a gang of dudes? That's a fucking bad hombre. That's a bad hombre, man. He was a bad hombre. The Democrats love him. The Democrats want him ruling your streets. Yeah. He was always, I felt like he was always trying to like apologize for getting me hit by a car without actually saying I'm sorry.

As if, like, if he admitted it, I would sue him or some shit. Yeah. But he was always, you know, like, every time I see him, I feel like he's still trying to be, like, really sorry about that. You know, like, he didn't mean to. Push you in front of a car. You know, ruin your fucking life. What was the plan? To get you away from the dog so it was like lesser of two evils?

Just to get me running with him so that we, so we would not be being, like that was every single thing that resulted in me getting in trouble was like him trying to get us chased. He likes, I mean,

he's playing his motorcycle. He likes high risk activity. Yeah, like there was like the, there were these, these, like really jacked dudes. They were like stars of the track team

and they would always, after they would like work out by themselves, like outside of the school and they would hang out at this one part of the rec center and then one time trenis was like yo let's go let's go talk to uh you know uh chiron and them so we're like we go up there and talk to him like i think we're going up there to talk to him he has a handful of like gravel rock and like as soon as like and i like we're going up to talk to them and he's like slightly behind me and i'm like yo what up cory what up and then next you know you just do it and then they just come at us of course and like i didn't even realize what was happening at first so like i i didn't start running fast enough and it was just like

i barely they just swarmed on me it was like i must have got hit like 30 times in a second and then they were just by me chasing him oh my god but yeah they fucked me up i have a theory do you think that maybe his like fixation on like this chase bullshit and you was uh because you escaped the the day where he was forced to suck a dick and he was just constantly reliving that situation he was the one who wanted to get sucked right no no no he had to suck had to suck oh okay and sid escaped i thought there's i was gonna say i was like why would you want the dude who was sid sid made a a sydney-shaped hole in the wall and he was like i thought this was the guy i thought he was pushing in front of the car for getting away he was like mother so no no that guy's out of the picture then yeah he was

always he was always uh he was always a, yo, you want to go? He would like literally come up to where we all were and be like, yo, you want to go get chased? Yeah. He was trying to,

he was trying to like, he was, he was trying to recreate that scenario and come up with an outcome where he didn't suck a dick. He was trying to get away. Yeah. He was trying to be you, dude.

He was trying to get me to suck a dick. In one way or another. Yeah. I mean, dude, if I was ever jealous of anybody for anything if all of us were sitting in the room and you guys escaped and i ended up blowing somebody i'd be like he's trapped in a race yeah yeah yeah yeah had like if i didn't trip and suck that bird i probably would have beat you guys out just to try to get over that dude it's like i gotta run

i gotta run dude i could and he did a cool. He went head first out a window. I know. That fucking rules. I mean, but I say all that to say this. That is why still to this day, if I was offered a million dollars. Yeah, I'm not doing neither now, dude. Can't do it. I'm running. I'll take your money. I'll get three million out of it.

Sure. I'm going to run away and then run back. Thanks, sir. Pleasure. Yeah, I can't I can't imagine telling my family I love them

and then turning down a million dollars for just eating a little bit of cum yeah I assume you have to swallow too that's a big deal I would say

throw it in dude add it to your macros yeah put it on my tab yeah that's that's the age old question I don't know now hearing this

it's like do I run do I arrange this whole situation oh I won't be forced to I'll do it for a million dollars but i won't be forced to yeah i hear you saying it has to be like a have like a meeting bring some briefcases it has to be oh if there's no briefcase it's also off it can't be a digital transfer i need i want to set this up and then assault the person who when they're like ready he's like fuck you here's how it works dude

you show up with a briefcase it's got a million dollars in it. I don't know what a million dollars looks like, but it perfectly fills this very nice, like dark metal briefcase. It's handcuffed to your wrist, right? Okay. Before I start sucking, we also handcuff it to my wrist. There you go.

Maybe there's only one key. Maybe there's two sides. I don't fucking know. I'm going to tighten my tie against my neck. You got to make him come so hard that the handcuff rattles off his wrist. Yeah. Yeah, dude. For a million dollars, I would make that dude come so hard that he'd be, like, worried about his own identity.

As if he isn't already. As if he's not, like, asking himself questions. He was like, oh, this was just supposed to be uncomfortable for you. It is funny, though. If you think about it, it's like, oh, this was just supposed to be uncomfortable for you. It is funny, though. If you think about it, it's like, all right. I used to go up like 120 feet in the air on like a lift and like just hit like there's like cut down metal beams and shit, which is pretty dangerous. And there's guys who like go to war for like college tuition. But it's like, you're not going to suck a dick.

It's like if you break it down, just you know if you're just seeing we're all sucking dick in our own way dude yeah i mean it's it's pretty nuts for me like now i'm not gonna suck dick i'm gonna go i'm gonna go fight over here i'm gonna go enter combat i mean dude this is retarded i mean there's the opportunity so stupid yeah true this is a dumb would i would but this is stupid i will say say you probably could suck enough dicks to go to college. Oh, for sure. But you couldn't be an engineer. You typically wouldn't get paid to be an engineer.

Meaning going to the army, then you can just like... I guess you could suck your dick and be an engineer. Yeah, I feel like... You're right. This is junk. I'm losing my mind. I'm having a hard time even tracking the logic now. Well, I'm saying there's a lot of dangerous jobs that guys will do,

and it's like, yo, go suck that guy's dick. And they're like, that's not fair. The least likely you look to suck a dick, the more you could get paid for sucking the dick. True. No, that is true. Yeah. So maybe spend a couple of years learning how to weld first,

looking like a guy who welds. You've got to look tough. Up your dick sucking numbers. We're not leaving the topic ever point of story is you gotta look tough make a couple of like selfie videos in a pickup truck start smoking cigarettes now just trying to know my value is all that is true though all i'm saying is they're only 12 of the popular no that is true well Mayor what do we got time wise

wow perfect nailed it 8 minutes that was easily dick sucking we cut that out we got a tight

37 minutes yeah well let's slide in the page do you guys have anything you like to address Shad Nation with anything coming up or anything cool yeah I mean yeah you guys have anything you like to address chat nation with anything coming up or anything cool yeah i mean if you guys want to see some live stand-up comedy if you're near woodbridge new jersey next week i'm doing a drive-in show hell yeah other than

that you'll catch me on two jack bros yep listen to fucking dab me follow me on twitch.tv slash tim butterly i'm somewhere around philly on friday night It's 9-11, so we're doing a comedy show. Is it 9-11 today? No, it's Friday. That's on my comedy show. You're doing stand-up on that day? Yeah. God damn it.

He sounds so enthusiastic about it. You should come see me. I want to do outdoor comedy. Oh, you're going to be in the drive-in? Two different places. Two different places. Where are you doing today? I don't know.

I think it's in East Falls. I should have looked before this, but I'm not the plug-in type. You know what I mean? I feel icky. Edit out my plugs, dude. I don't even want to. Because if people want to know I should have looked before this, but I'm not the plug-in type. You know what I mean? I feel icky. You know what? Edit out my plugs, dude. I don't even want to. Because if people want to know me, they'll find me.

Don't worry about it. Yeah, tell them to come to the show. People need you. I'm going to be in East Falls. Are you going to be there? No. I might go to watch. Really? Yeah.

Hell yeah. Careful. Careful. Careful. Last time you rolled up on a show, you had a fat attack. you're rolling up on a show. He had a fat attack. Yeah, I have nothing, man.

Catch me on Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. Catch me on this. Let's do fighting games again soon. Yeah, fuck it. Oh, hell yeah. Can I also check out 2JackBro's Patreon too? We're on there.

Yeah, check out all the dad meme Patreons. Check out all of them. No, seriously, just check out Two Jack Bros Patreon too We're all on there Yeah check out all the Dad meme Patreons Check out all of them No seriously Just check out ours I mean honestly Like most of the people That come to the Patreon

For Two Jack Bros Come from Slide through Slide through I don't really have anything All I have is I'm building a website right now Super sick

Can't wait So I'm about to put it out Can't give you the deets Cause it's not here But that's it Hell yeah Hell yeah Well thank you

Thank you Lemaire Thank. Well, thank you. Thank you, LaMare. Thank you, Noah. And thank you guys for coming on. Let's go to the Patreon. I have to pee. Later. Yeah.