Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 316- Johnny Hollywood

Episode Date: September 23, 2020

California dreamin' turns to Pennsylvania livin'. Join us as we celebrate the return of our pal Lou Mizz.

all right what's up everybody what's going on damn low energy intro who me yeah well it was actually you had me thinking about noah's jacket noah is mark ruffalo from this much i know is true spoiler alert yeah sport you see the end of it you gotta get you some fucking white new balances that's just a full that's the only difference between like cool hipster not saying you're cool no not at all also not saying you're a cool hipster. Is he high or does he just look like that? No, those are two dopers. Okay, that's what I figured.

That's what I figured. Oh, yeah. Both of them are – oh, he's dropping. It's like, it's off of Noah. I'm like, this guy's fucking big. Yeah. Our whole – our squad sucks. Yeah, he was put off Mark Ruffalo vibes, and this much I know is true, dude.

I'd hate to see a sad Noah. I know, I hate to see it. A depressing sight, dude. Noah, can you climb a ladder and then fall off? I want to see how much you look like Mark Ruffalo. That show is probably the best show on HBO in a while. Wait, what is it? I've never even...

It's about a guy. It's about this Italian guy. Italian? Italian? Who thinks that his grandfather molested his mom the entire show. Jesus Christ. And he has a schizophrenic brother. And it's him trying to figure out if his grandfather was a molester. Molestor, excuse me.

Or he wasn't, but his life sucks regardless. But he's trying to figure it out. Meanwhile, he has a schizophrenic brother that's locked in a mental institution. He's trying to get out. So yeah, no., he's a schizophrenic brother that's locked in a mental institution. He's trying to get out. So yeah, no. He's a house painter. You look like a disheveled house painter with a really terrible schizophrenic brother.

Oh, I thought you were going to say he looks like he's definitely been molested. Well, no, because Noah's... I said that forgetting about the spoiler alert if you haven't seen it, because if you see Noah's breakdown matches up with the spoiler alert, but I can't reveal it.

It's a good show. What is up with Mark Ruffalo starring in shit about people getting touched inappropriately? He did that Spotlight movie, too. He loves it. What movie was that? Spotlight about them. It was like the...

They tried to lie. It was a lie about the Catholic Church. Yeah, the... It was like all the... Remember when the Jews tried to ruin Catholicism? I remember that. Yeah, it's the Boston Chronicle or whatever. Remember when the Jews tried to ruin Catholicism? I remember that. Yeah, it's like the Boston Chronicle or whatever.

They broke the news story about the church. What did Mark Ruffalo play? Did he play an 11-year-old altar server? As the Hulk? He was a reporter. Did you see that movie? I did. Dude, there's this... So the whole movie is about...

This is Lou Miziano. Oh, yeah, by the way. Welcome to the cast. So the whole movie is about... This is Lou Miziano. Oh, yeah, by the way. Welcome to the cast. So the whole movie is about kids getting molested, and it's heavy as fuck. And you're sitting there, and you're like, this can't get any heavier. And then halfway through,

they have to delay the story because 9-11 happens, and you're like, Jesus Christ. It's like this whole thing about kids getting touched, and all of a sudden they walk into a newsroom, and everyone's watching the TV. It's like, whole thing about kids getting touched And all of a sudden they walk into a newsroom And everyone's watching the TV It's like, oh fuck Did you leave that door open by chance, old lewdog? Nah, dude, that's

Damn, someone's blasting Steely Dan That guy just has nice That wasn't Steely Dan, that was Drake That was laugh now, cry later When you came in, was fucking West Side Story still happening down the block? Yes, there was a drum line. A lot of music going on. Wait, there was a drum line?

There's a full, like a marching band. Shit's, yeah. I called the cops on a drum line last night. Did you? They're back. They followed you. Dude, say what you want to say about Latinos, but they throw a fucking street party better than anybody.

Than who? Black people? No, no, no. True. You're saying Latinos have better parties. Than who? Black people? No, no, no. True. You're saying Latinos have better parties than black parties for black people? Without question. I don't know. Black people tend to.

I've seen like bouncy houses. True. Every once in a while they'll break out like a fun house. You don't see a lot of bouncy houses at Latino block parties. No, but you do see a lot of brass instruments out of fucking nowhere. And that's what I'm hearing. Oh, yeah. Dude, I remember when I was living at 19th and gerrard

like they wouldn't even because there's no no one's getting permits for that shit they just like one day you just wake up and like the whole street's just blocked off yeah we there would be i used to live on 15th and gerrard and people look right above that 16th people would i would get a knock on my door and be like yo you you need to move your car because we're inflating a bouncy house i mean i was planning on leaving but i guess i'll just keep it there it's already inflated i'm not gonna like make you guys deflate it and drive over it so i can get out oh i thought you made it seem that they that they inflated it over your car no they're just letting you know or someone would used to try to wake us up to do chores we had a block captain a very active block captain who'd be like hey guys let you know we're cleaning up you want to wake up i'm like dude it's seven

o'clock is that just like a poor homeowners association block captain is when somebody claims to be in charge of the entire somebody assumes power someone it's the lowest form of political power it's it's it's autocratic there's no vote it's not it's not uh you don't elect block captains through democracy. Someone just steps up and like, I'm the block captain. Right. And you're just like, all right, dude, I guess. That fucking stinks.

I just love watching LeMaire operate. What's he doing back there? He tried to turn a page in his notebook quietly, and it was very fun to watch. LeMaire, are we hitting red at all? What are the sounds? Hit us with some visuals. No, this sounds pretty tight. How are you feeling? Yeah, LeMare.

I'm feeling okay. Look, I was out. I was on the road, and I got some bad reports about LaMare. I had a couple of reports were flying in. There was no fat attacks. Although, someone did throw up on that deck again. It wasn't you. It wasn't me.

Someone puked on the deck, and I got to be honest. You were the one. I got a couple of people being like, yo, another fat attack happened. You returned to the scene of the crime just to puke again. There was one time where we were at the old house in West Philly, and we were all playing poker. And we were getting drunk and talking shit and whatever. And I called LaMera bee sting hands, and nobody heard it.

Except Chris Wood, who tapped me on the shoulder i was like that should have gotten more credit i was really fucking of course wood of course the woman is like yeah you came underneath it no one heard that's like how you approach the audience dude so i was at a roast battle shame was off off. I was on the home front, and I got invited to judge a roast battle, which is the best thing you can do. I can only imagine. I mean, you just sit there and just talk massive amounts of shit. You're a big roaster. Yeah, that was like the only—I mean, I only got into it because I wasn't getting booked at all.

And Pat Barker was like, just fucking come, sign up. And then it was an opportunity. You're good at it. Thanks, man. Yeah, it was an opportunity to just wear a, sign up. You're good at it. Thanks, man. It was an opportunity to just wear a suit and be a fucking dickhead. Didn't someone take you under their tutelage? A famous roaster?

Not Pat Barker pretty much. I was hanging out with Jeff Rawls. I'm cool as shit. Don't belittle my man. I won't belittle anyone. I'm saying you were studying under the belittle my man. I won't belittle anyone. I'm just saying, you were studying under the Roastmaster

who became scandalized. Right. Yeah, exactly. How'd that go? Oh, my God. Can I tell you? Can I just? No.

Oh. Well, I'll say. I'm just dealing in facts. You were studying under the Master. Also, can I just say, when I found out, the day that that story broke, I literally out loud was like well there goes

my career I'm like I'm not even fucking touching kids and I'm still getting fucked I don't think so oh I don't want to talk about it nice

you've been into 11 I'm staying out of this it I can't wait for it. I'm staying out of this. It's a valid question. I'm also really excited. What, did he do it? Yeah. I'm really excited for Mark Ruffalo to probably play him in some sort of box.

It's a valid question. I know. It's, yeah, the Roastmaster. The Roastmaster is just a tough nickname to have while going through an ordeal. The Roastmaster is on trial today. So I was in Minnesota at a depressing weekend. Depressing like week in Minnesota. Then I looked at my Instagram story, saw you with all of our friends having fun, dude.

I was in a hotel room just looking at it like pieces of shit. I was like jealous that you guys were having fun. Wait, what'd you guys, what'd you guys do? So we, so I was, uh,

it was funny. Actually, I rarely ever go on Facebook and I was like, I took all the apps off my phone now. So I have like even Instagrams on a desktop. That's a fucking move. I go on never now. So I,

I'm like, all right, I'm going to check all my messages for everything, you know, for like a half an hour and then just turn it all so i open up facebook and then lo and behold it was an invitation to judge the roast battle i think so i called and the beezer was doing it too so i was like fuck it man let's i call beezer whatever and i'm like let's go do this and uh started late as fuck by the way started like 11 30 that makes sense

they told me 10 i thought it'd be eight i assumed Roast Battle is a young man's game, dude. Dude, it's the youngest. It's a desperate, hungry young man's game. For real, dude. But we go out there. Long story short, we're out there. We're watching. Oh, I see La Mer, dude.

Two-on-one roast battle. Oh, La Mer. Wait, they stack people against each other? How did that work, La Mer? La Mer, I heard you came up with a pretty good plan that you were going to tag team. No, no, no, no, no. The plan wasn't to tag team. The plan wasn't to tag team.

The plan was to change the game. But we offered him. So you planned on changing the game. Yeah, we offered him a chance to get a. We offered him and we were like, dude, you get a partner. You can pick one if you don't. We had like a dance up. Who was signed up first?

What do you mean? So was it him versus one other person? No. Okay. No, no, no. It was me versus – you know Sean Gardini? Yes. Sean Gardini booked the whole thing like the day before.

So we had to like get last minute people and he asked me and I was like, yeah, this guy. He's my roommate. We can go against him. And then I was like, oh, I want to do a tag team. I got a friend. You can get somebody if you want. And he was like, I don't want to go with anybody. And I was like, alright. Damn, he rolled solo on you guys. Damn, and he fucked you up? He didn't fuck

us up. And he fucking smashed you. Wait, his jokes weren't better. He won because it was two on one. He smashed you. The judges his jokes weren't better. He won because it was two on one. He smashed you. The judges roasted us better than he did. Yeah. Well, yeah, the judges are always funnier than the fucking comics. Wait, so do you guys, like, in that roast battle, do you guys, like, sit down with each other and, like, give each other, like, ammo?

Or do you guys just go in totally blind? What do you mean? Because, like, in roast battle in L.A., it's, like, the person you're roasting like you'll go out and like get a beer and like a coffee and like no we knew The guy I knew us so we didn't have to worry about getting ammo Yeah We didn't even go into like we didn't we just made fun of the way he looked and like so wait you're this was your roommate You tried to tag team and he fucked you up? Look how defensive.

Look how defensive the boy is. LaMera, tell your side. I'll tell the true story. I'm telling my side. I don't know, dude. It seems like your roommate had fucking pictures of you in his fucking room with red string connected to it. He picked you apart.

Wait, did his roommate did he true detective you? Yeah. He picked you apart. If given the chance of this roast battle you should probably kill yourself.

And then Lemaire threw up on the deck and fell. Then Lemaire threw up in front of everybody. And collapsed. And got booed and collapsed.

He needed to lay down in the master bedroom. He had like a separate garage where he had all your. Wait, wait. So what's the true story? The true story is, you know, and the first battle itself,

it was Lamer. Correct me if I'm wrong. You were going for like a, a kind of a more like WWF theatrical style. You tried to be meta. You got to focus on. He was meta. I was meta. I was meta. You got to focus on just regular before you – you need to focus on regular before you can graduate to meta.

No, but that's what I do at the roast battles in L.A. Like I had – I have like a bunch of dumb like – at one point like halfway through a roast battle, I pulled out all my head shots and I started signing them and giving them to people. God, I hate that. I know. It's the worst. I hate what you're saying.

I had one girl. I had a girl planted in the audience that came up and I took her panties out of my pants and gave it back to her. You're doing magic out there. Oh, yeah, I did. It's wrestling. Oh, yeah. It's a lot of fun. Well, it's time to move home.

The magic show is over. Back to Philly. Well, so the mayor was going up against this guy. And it was a tight race. I thought the guy, to be honest, Lemaire had a slight edge on you guys. So the guy was legitimately winning. Hold on. I'm sorry.

Lemaire, can you tell me some of the – I know you remember him. What were some of the things you were attacking your opponent for? I was like Ned Arnold, boy rapist. You called him a boy rapist? Yeah. Fuck, I would have been cheering for you. Yeah, and then... Yeah, this is the saddest, like, this is the most disgruntled I've seen LeMay.

He was fucked up, dude. Because I won. We won. Our jokes are better. What would you have won? Because it was 2-on-1. They have a title belt that I really want now. Oh, yeah, you love wrestling, dude.

I love wrestling so I played wrestling it's wrestling you gotta go at it alone you can't have two people in the ring at once you know the rules of wrestling Vince McMahon would have you see no

we're going lucha tag we're going lucha tag lucha tag means when somebody else isn't speaking, another person can speak. Lemaire. Lemaire. You got your butt kicked. I didn't lose. You got your butt kicked and then you threw up.

You looked like an idiot. It's my first time on the show and I don't like this negative energy. Lemaire? I know. This is crazy. Normally he's so happy and fun. That's what I thought. That's what I remembered.

All right. So then there's this big old bubbly LeMair. I know. And then he had a fat attack, and now I think he's throwing up and collapsing. He lost a little weight. Now I think he's too cool for school. Those people are the worst. They are the worst.

Those people are the worst. Stay fat at heart. Yes. True. I'm telling you. I hate him. You've got to stay fat at heart. Yes. True. I'm telling you. I hate him. You've got to stay fat at heart. The gross battle, I'm an impartial judge.

The kid, I felt like he had an edge because it was too discombobulated. They were all good. They're doing a good job. But Beezer, the motherfucker that he is, points out LeMaire's shoes. This is what I think. And LeMaire, you were wearing some very pointy, strange shoes. You were wearing elf shoes dude i was wearing chelsea boots chelsea boots dude dude this is what you haven't lost enough weight

yeah dude what are you doing wearing chelsea boots i'm i'm fashionable i'm fashionable i look nice so he busts out he busts out these chelsea he's just like it's like those like chinese princesses that had to break their toes to put them in shoes. So Beezer's like, I just want to point out those shoes to the crowd. That's a great Beezer. The crowd starts dying. Beezer's on you. Beezer's on shoes.

Yeah, dude. He's on them. Beezer's like your dog, Matilda. Something happened where Beezer attacks shoes, especially on fat people because it gets you on the... When you get fat enough, you start leaning in on shoes. You start breaking them inwards. You ever see that? That's one of Beezer's favorite targets. If he sees a fat dude with sneakers

that are leaning in, that's what he goes for, dude. It was like a chain of events because it happened to be a semi-black audience. So when Beezer went at the shoes and it landed, audience erupted. You can't get roasted in front of black people, dude.

You can't do it. No. They're very flammable in terms of laughter at a roast battle. Black people freaked. That's probably what all that magic was about in LA. That's what I'm saying, dude. If he's a black audience, you're like, yo, look at this. People are flipping tables and shit.

So then, you know, I chimed in, and we just twisted the knife, dude. And then as LeMaire's leaving, his – So wait, this is after he took an L? After he took an L, we just eviscerated on about his shoes. And then as he's leaving, the point gathers a thread on the carpet. Oh, no. Took it with him for like five feet. To which I replied, LeMaire literally cut a rug.

It was like laughter. He like walked into a wall of laughing at him. Matt, you're forgetting about the socks. Oh, then he pulled up his socks and they were stretched so far we couldn't identify

the character oh yeah it was Andre the Giant was it those same socks no this time it was Mermaid Man and Combarnacle Boy I told him it looked

like Bert and Ernie but his ankles were so big it was like stretched out to unidentify yeah yeah LeMaire had his pre-diabetic socks on

dude oh LeMaire it was murderous dude it was but again the judge said and unidentifiable. Yeah, LaMare had his pre-diabetic socks on, dude. It was murderous, dude. But again, the judge said... The Argyle sucks. Hmm? Argyle. LaMare, I appreciate you going out there

and taking the risk, dude. Yeah, salute, dude, for being a soldier and going out there, but boy, you got... That's embarrassing. You got hit so hard that I got wind of it. True. You got made fun of so badly that shockwaves were sent to Minnesota. He didn't make fun of me at all.

You got made fun of. The judges made fun of me. It sounded so bad that I immediately kind of looked down at my shoes for a minute just to make sure. Just to be like, oh, fuck. I can't happen to me. Wow. So your roast battle, you tried a two-on-one, bombed,

and then your pointy shoes cut the carpet. Wait, no. Wait, no. Wait, wait. Wait, Lemaire, did you actually bomb, or the other guy just got you? He won. He won. This guy edged it out, to be fair.

Yeah. How do you feel about it? He keeps saying you won. Yeah. Or the other guy won. I'll tell you. I know why he won. Was it your He keeps saying you won. Yeah. Or the other guy won. I'll tell you. I'll tell you. I know why you won.

Was it your partner that saw it? No, because we weren't in sync. We were trying to think. When we started, we had it tight. But then when Ned came back with something, it frazzled Jay and he. Oh, yeah. I knew you were going to blame your teammate. Did you hear that?

He's like, look. I'm not blaming you. Hey, part of me, this is my show. Please turn your mic off. Please turn your mic off. Noah, cut his mic. Cut his mic, Noah. blaming you. This is my show. Please turn your mic off. Please turn your mic off. Noah, cut his mic. Cut his mic, Noah. Thank you.

Look. Look. I've seen it before. Now, this is exactly what happened to Beezer and Wood. That's what Beezer said. I know. He told me that. He was like, this was worse than the mashup.

Which, by the way, there's no chance it was worse than the mashup. The mashup, dude. The infamous mashup. The mashup, which, by the way, there's no chance it was worse than the mashup. The mashup, dude. Infamous mashup. The mashup, dude. So I had to have told this a thousand times. It's like my favorite thing. So it was at, was it Frankie Bradley's? No, what's the name of that place?

It's Frankie Bradley's. The one that's upstairs? Yeah. So it's me, Kyla, Six, and Wood on the way to this show. And Wood and Six are doing a mashup. They were changing the game. Wait, what do you mean a mashup?

Instead of doing stand-up, they were both going to go on stage and do stand-up at the same time. It's already fucking stank. It's already fucking stank. They thought they were the Sklar brothers. It's just like, what are you doing? So they get on stage. Oh, good God, dude.

I mean, it's one of the worst bombs ever, and especially if you know Wood and Six. It's so funny. So Wood gets up there. Wood got up there first, and Six was still at the bar getting one more drink before he got on, and I think Six's mic didn't work at first. So they're just standing up there. Wood was Mr. Cool, dude. First off, Wood's Mr. Sexy.

A lot of people don't know that. Wood was going through a real hard, dark phase of he thought he was very hot for a while, which ate at me. I hated it. So I'm so happy to see this happen. Well, dude, it works until he opens his mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because he's – yeah, dude. Dude is fucking ripped. He's ripped. That's it. He puts a hat on. And then all of a sudden out of nowhere he's just like, yo, do you guys know about turtles? And you're like, get the fuck out of here, dude. Yeah, he's wearing like a big cardigan and he's on stage like, yeah, which one of us would you rather fuck?

Like that's how they opened. And they were like talking to people in the audience. And people in the audience were like – Neither? Neither of you? and they were like talking to people in the audience and people in the audience were like neither? neither of you? so then I started I'm in the back like yes, yes and they just kept trying to like say stuff

and they're like yo, tell this story they just bombed start to finish how long did they do it? but like long

it was like 10 to 15 dude, it was like a solemn like three day like Easter weekend kind of thing it was like it was like 10 to 15 dude it was like a solemn like three-day like easter weekend kind of thing it was so then they then they started asking the mashup is nuts they started asking people in the audience questions and one dude they asked him a question and the dude just goes simma down now so then that gets a big laugh that's's the first laugh. Someone in the audience just going, Simmer down now. And then everybody else they tried to talk to would just go,

Simmer down now. And they didn't think it was funny. They were just getting eviscerated. And then at the end, they get off stage. Did they turn on each other? Dude, not yet. Did they get angry?

Did they get angry? Because I can only imagine Six being like, Yeah, you guys are a bunch of fags dude no he didn't hit that he they were they were just taking it they were they internalized their anger that's way fucking they kept trying to get it to work and also they went over there my favorite part was they said they were gonna make fun of the host they're like like, yo, we're going to fucking crush this dude. What's that guy's name? Hey. Oh,

Robert. Yes. Robert rule. They thought they were going to get Bobby rule, dude. Bob rule, baby. He got them.

So they, so they trash. They, they tried to trash. Like they were like, we're going to crush him. They never got to him. They never made fun of him.

They, while they were leaving to just people that were, they hated them. Like viscerally, the whole audience, like we're gonna crush him they never got to him they never made fun of him they while they were leaving to just people that were they hated them like viscerally the whole audience like we're like these guys are dickheads like wood was sitting on a stool pointing at people with his foot he was like leaning back he was like which one of us would you rather fuck he's like and look at these abs like this is like an upside down turtle shell people were like but i was sitting in the back they were walking literally straight past me to go to the car i was sitting next to the door they were going straight to the car first off i had bombed that night and i was outside already in the car like fuck came back in just to watch them bomb way way worse but they walked past me and while wood i think it was six that was directly in front of me it was Fuck. Came back in just to watch them bomb. Way, way worse.

But they walked past me, and while Wood, I think it was Six that was directly in front of me. It was like, you know, get the fuck out of here. Bobby Rule goes on stage and was like, that was good if you like a podcast that sucked. And I was literally face-to-face with Six. Just like, ah! He dunked on him at the end. So then we get home. this is where the bomb it was six six sort of came to terms with it by the end of the night he was he was feeling oh no because he'll just get drunk wood is the type of guy that don't think about it for the next i bet he's still thinking about it they would had one of the funniest fucking

like one of those things that i'll just I mean it might be too mean to even bring up but there was a female comic that was headlining the show and he was like she's gonna go back to New York and tell everybody what's up

I was like I was like what yeah he thought his reputation was tarnished from it from the mashup from the mashup dude he takes bombing very seriously

then we're sitting yeah he does yeah yeah we're sitting in the living room back at the house and saving private ryan's on and it's like the opening scene and i was like we hadn't addressed it because it was very very serious how bad this bomb was like they were so upset they're in the car like yo fucking fucked it the whole car ride home was just them being like fucking philadelphia fucking sucks then we sit down we're watching the the opening scene of saving private ryan and i was like yeah this is like your guys mashup just the door opens they just get hit oh and so we're dying laughing six six is upstairs it's me and wood on the couch and then uh eventually wood

broke and just spazzed on me like we went for he went from dying laughing at me being like look at this this is you guys you guys suck and then finally he was just like shut the fuck up and i thought he was kidding so i like got in his face back i was like oh like joking and he was like i'll fucking kill you he fully spazzed that was the mashup but then they they did oh what made him spazz was he tried to pull a mare there, which is when you're in a mashup that fails, you blame your teammate. That's the move. So don't keep Mike off.

Yeah, we were downstairs and Wood was like, yeah, fucking, you know, like I did six couldn't. And I was like, I think that was a pretty mutual bomb there. And he was like, fuck you. Anyway, that was the mashup story. Great mashup. So Beezer was delighted to see this mashup take. To see the curse.

On the way out, Beezer felt, Beezer was relieved of his curse of the mashup. The curse of the mashup. First thing he talked about, he's like, dude, that was like my mashup, blah, blah, blah. And he was like, I could see him just like 20 pounds lighter. Yes. Releasing the mashup demon. And I've seen the demon is in LeMary. Look how you can see the mashup demons in him.

Look at him, dude. I've never seen a mashup go well. Like there's so many shows in L.A. where like the hosts, like they open with just like them riffing about their day together. And it's the fucking worst. I did that on my show at The Stand. I used to do it with Abby. And every time I would fight Abby. Like every show I'd be like, well this sucks.

Just immediately. Well people are comfortable with different levels of bombing more than others. Some people are like this is cool. Some people are like this is an unacceptable scene. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. LaMare, now I see you over there. You have a lot to say. You're very straight-faced.

You're very stern. Now that the demon has attached itself to you. Dude, let's exercise it. Let's get the demon out. There's no demon. I'll tell you how you don't get rid of it is blaming your teammate, claiming you won,

saying the world's against you. No, no, no. No, no, no. I accepted the loss long ago. That's my roommate. I have to accept the loss. I was just texting Jay. I was like, dude, no. I accepted the loss long ago. That's my roommate. I have to accept the loss. I was just texting Jay. I was like, dude, I almost blamed you.

I'm sorry. Oh, you didn't have to do that. No, LaMare, to be honest, he ruined it for you. He was wearing shorts. He was wearing shorts in a sports jacket. Also, as he acted differently in the house, I would imagine you would text him and be like, hey, can you do the dishes?

He'd be like, hey, can you win a roast battle? True. No, I'm not giving him the chance. If I was your roommate, I would shit and not flush. That's fair. 100%. You're going to have to beat him in Yu-Gi-Oh!

or whatever you guys play. Sorry. It's NBA 2K. So, yeah, I will say, LaMera, that you should go at roast battles on your lonesome. That was too confusing. It was too weird. I didn't know who was going to talk when.

It was like the guy was dressed like Angus Young from ACDC. It was kind of annoying. It was the first time, and I told him I was going to wear overalls, but I changed my mind. I also said their comedy duo should be named Metric Ton. Was the other guy fat? He was just fat enough where it worked, dude.

It was fun. It was so fun. It was a good comedy duo. Oh, it was so fun, man. Wait, so how were the other people? I mean, it was fun. Everyone did well. The last...

Dude, LeMaire, let a lesson be learned from the last championship round when that one guy wouldn't accept his loss. There was a guy who went... Dude, the end was Gardini versus... Gardini rules, by the way. Gardini's the fucking man. Gardini versus this guy from New York who... You know, the guy came out...

Ilya Laskin. What? Ilya Laskin. Ilya Laskin. Ilya Laskin comes out and he uh Ilya Laskin he came out and was like I can't so he was do warm-up yeah for real so he came out and was like oh man I left like a Rosh Hashanah dinner or whatever for this and immediately the host was like oh I don't tell anyone that and he's like oh you're Jewish too and the host like

yeah but I kind of keep it to myself so then he goes so the whole all my feedback was just like i just really like seeing a strong gentile and you know god just constantly fucking around but then he lost he legitimately did lose but he was like you know i think he was just kind of fucking around but there's part of it that was like not trying to accept that but he made a good joke of it he was just like i can't believe i drew only down here to fucking lose this song yeah that's funny he was a good sport nice it was fun it was it was a oh the best part i in my opinion of the whole night was the i farted during the opening comedian set always funny dude never not funny listen if i know a lot of comedians listen to this podcast if you're an open mic in any scene if there's ever dead air during an open mic which there will be a lot of yeah get a fart

dude become legend exactly become legend rise above yes dude it was i mean the best part was it was like so the guy was on stage and we were on a bench right next staring at him like you could like breathe you guys i can reach out and touch this guy and i i had one i let out a test fart wood heard it wood was like oh yeah fart. Wood heard it. Wood was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wood. Wood turned around and was like looking. I was like. Woodman was delighted. Yeah, Woodman. He's like, yeah, you're an old dude.

And then. So I'm like, all right, that's nice. I'm going to. I was like, I could feel I had a tumultuous stomach. I let it gather. What did you eat that day? I mean, dude, I've been strictly just kind of like meat, vegetables, you know, fruit like that.

You know, I've been eating pretty clean. My body is going through changes right now. I'm having like butt puberty right now. That's what I feel. I had butt puberty from travel. You had butt puberty right now? From all that travel, dude. My butt caught my period.

I caught a butt period, dude. It sucked. Sorry. You're on the Oregon Trail. I did. I got a bloody butt. Did you really? Yeah. Happens. Yeah. Caught I did. I got a bloody butt. Did you really? Yeah.

Happens. Yeah. Caught a hemmy from the travel, dude. That was a lot. That was a lot of sitting. That drive was like a 12-hour drive in that truck. Hemi's good. I took care of it.

Went and bought some ass cream at the mall. Nice. Had to go to the Mall of America. To get ass cream? Walk to the Mall of America to get Pre to the mall of america to get preparation h it's very american i'll tell you what that's where the the the lady at the register i i buying ass cream sucks true it's very it's a bad experience yeah especially if you're like at a cbs did you buy an ass cream like with cond still getting pussy. I still have a huge dick, but also my ass is ruined.

No, it was a Muslim. Everybody in Minneapolis is Muslim. Muslim? Yeah, for real. Who would have fucking thought? I know. And so she still had the full uni on. With a mask?

Yeah. No, no. She was wearing the fucking... Oh, it's covered up anyway. Perfect to buy Preparation H from. True. No facial. No judgment. Just put it down. Just was wearing the fucking. Oh, it's covered up anyway. Yeah. Perfect to buy Preparation H from. True. No facial. No judgment.

Just put it down. Just your eyes. Perfect. I was like, thank you. This is good. It's kind of nice. Yeah. Anyway.

I had to buy. No, I had to buy. Yeah. When I had that bad hem. I think people tell me it wasn't even a hemorrhoid. It was like something worse. You had something wild, dude. I couldn't even walk, dude.

Yeah. Not even close. I used to have hemorrhoids that would literally almost blow up like a golf ball. That's what I had. I had something like that. Dude, it was fucking brutal. I said it once. I was one and done.

His was wild. Look, people get mad when we talk assholes. Sorry about that. Wait, really? Sorry, sorry, sorry. I do want to. A bunch of our dudes. People are like, Matt's always talking about assholes and shit.

True. Assholes and shit rule. Anyway, back to of our dudes. People are like, Matt's always talking about assholes and shit. True. Assholes and shit rule. We should, though. Back to the fart storm. That should be our philanthropy of just going out and going out to the guys in the streets and treating hemorrhoids. That should be our charity. We should.

I think we should just rebrand Preparation Age. I know. Does it have to be bright fucking yellow? It's called like cool guy cream. Yeah. Big dick relief. It's called like cool guy cream yeah big like it'll call big dick relief yeah put in a black box with lightning bolts on it yeah that yellow box is oh it's brutal dude i pocket it i'd fucking put it in my front pocket in my hoodie when i walked to the right i don't you can't be walking around a walgreens which is people are oh it's the last thing you gotta get

yeah yeah it's also in my bathroom, my guest bathroom. It's all like my butthole kit is. Why do you keep your butthole kit in your guest bathroom? That's the one I go to. Oh, okay. That makes sense. Because I leave a seat up. I'm a bad boy.

But, yeah. Oh, so I'm doing right next. I've got to hear this. I'm right next to the comics. I let a tester out. Wood gets a taste. Wood likes it. Wood got the app. Wood got the app. He got the sizzlers. He got the comics. I let a tester out. Wood gets a taste. Wood likes it. Wood got the app.

Wood got, yeah. He got the sizzlers. He got the app. Wood's like, I'm liking that. I'm like, yeah,

there's more where that came from. So, dude, this guy's going, going, and then it's a little bit, dead air between a joke. It wasn't even like a joke

that didn't land. It was kind of like a pause between stuff. Crowd goes silent. Dude, I'm on a wooden bench. I just tilt. I give myself like a 12 degree lift on the right cheek so loud dude he stops the crowd starts laughing he stops it's like did you just seriously fart during my set yes oh it was and then so that was the very beginning so that was like for five minutes

all four of us it was it was, me, Shaner, six. And we're on a bench doing a live comedy show, trying not to laugh, which is making us laugh harder. So much fun. Into the next warm-up comedian set. And then I started thinking about Ruby Ridge when you farted. I had just settled myself down. You might have been there for that. I think you might have been.

I just settled myself down from what was going on. Dude, I was laughing so hard that my veins were throbbing in my head. And then I remember when Shane farted during, there was Ruby. Remember Ruby? Yeah. So she was taping for Comedy Central. She showed up. I forgot about this.

So she showed up. And in her defense, she probably was. Because I think Comedy Central was like, please can one woman be funny? Women that do comedy, all eight of you across the country, please. Somebody send us a storytelling tape. I think it was for, what's that, Ari's show. This Isn't Happening. So she set up a camera, I think told everybody at the open mic, at a fucking open mic, that

she was filming this set for comedy central and it was like a 15 minute story so they gave her a 15 minute spot to tell this story at the raven what a fucking wild choice wild choice but all the comics stand in the back right next to where her camera was and she had been bombing for probably 10 of the 15 yeah at which point i did in fact unleash a very hard fart like a very aggressive lap the type of fart that you will get hemorrhoids from if you can push just pushing farts and uh it it reached the stage in raven which is crazy because that's a big distance that's big distance it was crowded there's mute there's a dj downstairs so there's music i mean that fart was so loud that she stopped place goes nuts she's like the hardest laugh of the set which was the best part we need to get that tape from ruby i do i

need that man i'm trying to get the tape of my fart from gaston oh you'll get that hopefully they filmed they did i think that's the thing i should catch on i think more if you're bombing as a comic, just let one fucking rip and then become a phoenix from the ashes. Or save your friend and let a fucking fart. That's so funny. Me and Six were talking about that, just farting on stage. Like while bombing. I've never seen anybody do it.

I don't think people can make gas while they're on stage. I know. That's what I was saying. That's what I said to him. I was like, because I fart a lot. And I've never once on stage been like, oh, I've got to hold this fart. It's pulling the sword from the stone. If you're a comedian and you fart on stage, you

bow out. That's it, dude. We cancel comedy. Comedy ends after that. That's the whole point of stand-up comedy is to catch a fart. If you were in a big crowd doing stand-up and you put the mic... Actually, what you could do is be like

excuse me sound guy my mic's a little low could you turn that up so i'll be like i'm gonna whisper for this next bit so could you please turn the mic up put it put it the whole way up you're watching the screen you see the mic go down it's like that's it that's the best way to end a comedy special

I can't think of a better way to end a special I would quit I would quit Dave Chappelle that's it goodnight he throws it down

I would literally quit if another comic if I did that or another comic did it my efforts are futile. Yeah. I'll never match. You'll never be that funny.

I'll never match that guy's live fart. We're talking comedy, dude. It's good to have you back. Yeah. Matt's back in the game. True. Now we're talking comedy.

We are talking comedy. You want to talk comedy? Comedy. Bro, don't do the road. Anybody listening to this that wants to do stand-up, never do the road by yourself.

It does suck. That would be tight, dude. That was tough. No, it sucks. No, I'm saying just do shows in your area. If you want to see someone, you've got to travel to their area. You could be like almost a – There's a guy, Bob Marley, who's like the king of Maine.

He won't leave Maine? Yeah. That's swag. Bob Marley's like the king of New England. Bob Marley's super funny. Yeah. Oh, he murders. He came down to –

Yeah. I think Grubart opened for him at Helium, and he was fucking – Yeah, Bob Marley murders. He came down to, I think, Grubart open from Ed Helium, and he was fucking hilarious. Well, it's all these fucking road dogs that nobody fucking knows about that are killed. Like, dude, Chad Daniels, one of the funniest people alive. But nobody has any fucking idea who he is because he's just like, yeah, I live in Wisconsin.

I do the fucking road. Fuck LA. Fuck New York. I'm just going to do my shit. How'd you like the belly of the beast? It's a nightmare. You were there. It's a nightmare city filled with nightmare people well everyone's leaving dude you rogan i did i think cove yeah one of the better roasters rogan um dude this this is the way that

i describe la to people where it's like i feel like a lot of people in los angeles they confuse necessary bullying with intolerance. So it's basically like. I heard that. You know what I mean? So it's like you're like, so like you're a douchebag in high school, right? You get called a douchebag as you should. And instead of doing any sort of like self inventory or personal reflection, you move to the one place in the world.

Oh, of course. Where it's cool to be a douchebag you know what i mean yeah so it's just like and then they have the fucking balls to look back on their hometown and be like oh everyone in my hometown is closed-minded it's like no dude you're you're a fucking zero you suck shit and anytime i see someone like act like cool as fuck i look at them and i'm like i guarantee that there's like three plumbers in your hometown that know what a fucking loser you are yeah every single person in new york like anytime i you i used to be allowed to do all shows now they stopped booking me really anytime i would do all shows especially who you yeah they stopped i was good in all rooms

you are i would go make fun i'd say exactly i'd be like you all left your hometowns yeah moved here just to be like, they're so dumb. And it's like, just because you didn't have friends. You'd also be like, I found art and I'm here to bully you guys. You thought you could escape me. Well, that's the thing that they hate about it is that, yeah, they left because of that. It's like you're like the plumber from their hometown that's like suddenly better at what they love. You know what I mean?

What would be funny is like it works with stand-up, but it would be funnier if you were like a painter. You would just be like faggots. Fucking gay. Yeah. Dude, speaking of that, the other thing that was so funny at the roast battle was there was somebody – I think it was Dave Temple and Conrad Roth had their – they did like a live show. They have an intern. So their intern, wild man, dude.

This guy popped out of nowhere. He was like – yeah, I just like emailed him a million times on Instagram. That's just what you got to do. All these young dudes are just what you got to do, man. You got to bug people. You got to bug people. So he's hitting us all this and then he's hitting us with the scene. I won't say who he named.

He named someone who runs an open mic here. He's like, oh, that guy is a faggot and it was just like it was someone you wouldn't haven't even thought about in a while and it was just like what the fuck hearing like some young kid say it was dude it was wait do i know this person yeah oh i know do i know this person yeah you guys everyone here knows the person but it was like did he hit him with that he was just like he just brought this guy up out of nowhere and i heard him say that and i was like say what it was just funny watching the young the youngins the younglings dude well that's a weird thing too that people you watched revenge of the i forgot about that the younglings dude it was one of our enemies and i heard i heard it was an

enemy and he called me bro i loved the young I love that the younglings coming up to be the next guys who get bullied out of Philadelphia by the woke scene. Love to see them. No, but that's also kind of the shitty thing, though, about those youngling edgelord comics. They'll coerce a conversation just so you can hear them say the word faggot you know what i mean i've done it i've done it i remember the first i gave metzger a ride home from the boston some comedy festival in boston and i gave him a ride to new york and i was like fucking i tried to i tried to like trash like diversity on shows like to be like they should just be putting up whoever's fine and he was like yeah you need to shut up about that i was like okay he was like yeah that's

that's always going to be there you just need to be the funny white guy i was like yeah i agree okay yeah i know i probably repeated it on the podcast when i got out oh i forgot to tell you guys. I'm back right-wing again. Are you really? Oh, hell yeah. I was two or three weeks on the road just sitting in a hotel room watching. I watched enough right-wing stuff.

What were you watching? Just getting fired up. Actually, you know what? You wouldn't even – it's not even – open that with a lighter. I'm sick. No big deal. It's nothing. I do it. Oh, this's nothing I do it

oh this party trick I do no I listen to Douglas Murray's Rogies I got fired up dude are you guys voting? no I wasn't going to vote until old Ruthie kicked the bucket

what's up with her? she's dead you think it was an inside job or what? no dude I think she's 87 old Ruthie kicked the bucket. What's up with her? She's dead. I'm saying, do you think it was an inside job or what? No, dude, I think she's 87, and I think it was her time to go. Yeah. So wait, now because... You're working for the Supreme Court. I wasn't going to...

Now that the notorious RBG died, you have to vote. Also, I can only imagine that there was like... Because she had to stay alive. I can only imagine there was some intern at the DNC whose whole job was to just slap her across the face every time she starts to stay alive. I can only imagine there was some intern at the DNC whose whole job was to just slap her across the face every time she starts to nod off. True. No, they were for sure trying to keep her alive for another six months,

and she was just like... But she did die at the perfect time to help get votes. True. Yeah, that makes sense. You think Hillary could just kind of put a little pillow on her? Well, yeah, like Godfather 2 style. They just row Ruth Bader Ginsburg out in a boat.

So you're worried about the state of the Supreme Court? Yeah. You, the roast comic. You're worried about the balance

of the Supreme Court. That's right. You're worried about the Sith versus the Jedi. Wait, guy who opens craft beers with a lighter. Yeah.

You're concerned about the Supreme Court. That's right. Okay. I just want to make sure. Fucking, well, I wasn't going to vote for, like, I don't know. Hold on, wait, wait, wait. Name three Supreme Court members. Anthony Scalia.

He's dead, isn't he? No. You can't say Kavanaugh. He doesn't count. What do you mean? Everybody knows him because he got accused of rape. Didn't Scalia die? No, Scalia's still on. Who? Clarence Thomas. Clarencealia die no it's still on who clarence thomas

i thought his real name's clarence and clarence parents yeah you got scalia yeah scalia yeah clarence no uh No. Sotomayor? Yeah. That doesn't count. They named it. You can't be concerned with the Supreme Court if you can't.

You don't even know if certain ones are alive. What hellish forces was RBG holding back that now are just going to be a plea? Now because Ruth died, we're not allowed to have abortions. We're never going to be allowed. Which, by the way, we better be allowed to have abortions. We're never going to be allowed. Which, by the way, we better be allowed to have abortions, dude. I can't get a waitress pregnant. I might cry. Don't talk about that.

I better not get a waitress pregnant and have to move. I'll get embarrassed, dude. I'll start crying if I think about it, dude. If I think about RBG dying. No, I'm talking about abortions. I'll be like Kanye, dude, and cry. Because Ruth died. We can't be sluts. We're not allowed to.

She was the guardian of the sluts, dude. She was. She was like, go ahead. Go ahead. Get raw dogged. Yeah, fucking. Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. This is a very Veritas heavy podcast. I was getting to the truth. sorry um sorry this is a very veritas heavy podcast i wasn't uh i wasn't uh i was gonna vote until um july when they all or was it august i don't remember when they all got together to like come up with like a coronavirus relief package again the pandemic you're referring to yeah and then fucking yeah and then fucking they couldn't come to a decision and so then they all just get to leave for three weeks and we get to fucking pay them.

It's like, dude, fuck you. Yeah. It's such a bad. And also, I hate I don't like Trump, but I also I hate Biden's commercials where he's just like, I saw one where it opened or he's just like, hey, it's me, Joe. Like we like fucking frogs together in a creek somewhere. Yeah. That's just Joe. Joe from Delaware.

Joe from. Yeah. That's old Sc. That's Joe from Delaware, dude. That's Joe from Scranton. That's old Scranton Joe. Yeah, it's tough, dude. It's a tough state of affairs, but I'm glad you're going to go out there. Stop the evil that is. It's just me. Who do you think Trump's going to put in the... I have absolutely no idea.

A bae, dude. He promised a bae. Did he? Which is gay. He was like, it's going to be a woman. Well, if you think about it, his people are going to vote for him no matter what. So if he can somehow get some very kind of unstable Bernie bros, he can derange them, dude. Yeah, but the left doesn't care about gender or race if you're right wing.

So you can put a woman in there. If she's conservative, they're going to be like, cunt, fucking women shouldn't have jobs. Like immediately. You put a black dude in there, they'll be like, fucking. Then they say some bad words that I don't say. No, well, he could put in like a moderate. Not the N word. I was thinking like, you know, uncle.

You think they'll call him an uncle? They call him an uncle. They start yelling uncle. True. Liberal whites love calling black people uncle. Which is wild. They've hit me with've hit me with it a couple times mayor will you say it for me real quick uncle tom thank you that was the one i said it you said i'm melanated by association though true i have a little bit longer leash dude i heard that but yeah trump could appoint like a centrist or even liberal leaning supreme

court justice because then he would sway some like you know people who are like extreme lefters who are like yeah i don't know you think wait you think he's gonna do it before the election yes for sure that'd be a great political move he's gonna dunk on him with like the oldest most decrepit white dude it's like like the power up his fan base. He did. I watched him. He promised a woman. But obviously, he wasn't really a promise.

He was at an arena. He was at one of his events. And he was like, who here wants a man? And some people cheered a little. And he was like, no, who wants a woman? And they were like, ah. Oh, I imagined him being like, strange. And then he does a thing where he walks around the stage like, well, that's it.

Like, the crowd said it. People spoke, dude. People spoke. He he's like i just took a poll here cnn i'll look at him he pointed him in the back he's like it just took a poll it's fucking it ruled pretty funny dude yeah so lou what's up you're gonna stop the tide that's it dude i'm off the buck stops here dude i'm not fucking around you need to a job. What judge would you want in there? Who's on your radar? Randy Jackson, dude. That's his all-night. We're going to overturn Roe vs. Wade.

That's a no from me, dog. That's going to be a no from me, dog. True. That's actually a good pick. Dude, he'd look good in that robe. He would. He'd look good in that robe. He would.

I mean, honestly, also, it's like Donald Trump is the president. Is it insane to think that Randy Jackson could be on the Supreme Court? I nominate Judge Judy. Yeah. Like, it's not nuts. Also, I think, is Kanye running? Is he not running? There was problems with his ballots, apparently, but, you know.

They're trying to stop him. They're trying to stop him, obviously. They don't want strong black conservatives. I'm back to right wing, so I'm back to Kanye does rule. What determines whether you go right or left? The last thing I've watched. 100%. The last thing I watched.

Usually the last guest on Rogan that I watched. True. If I watched the Bernie Sanders episode, I was like, oh, yeah. Maybe I am gay. Then I watched Douglas Murray, and I was like, oh, yeah. Maybe I am gay. Then I watched Douglas Murray and I was like, it's time for me to speak up. That's a true battle. It's not Republican, Democrat. It's gay versus retarded.

That's what we're fighting right now. We're fighting gay versus retarded. Absolutely. People are like, you've got to bring back, get dinosaurs out of schools. And people are like, we should be able to kill kids. And I just happen to be a gay retard. Damn. You might be the chosen one. I might be the chosen one to kill kids. And I'm like, no. Yeah, and I just happen to be a gay retard. Damn. You might be the chosen one.

I might be the chosen one to ascend. You're gay enough and retarded enough to bring balance to the force, dude. You've been watching Star Wars and I'm into it. I love it. Do it. Do it. Yeah, next time you think you have to fart at an open mic, I want you to imagine me saying, do it. Do it. Just do it, dude. You have to fart at an open mic i want you to imagine me saying do it do it just do it dude you have to fart at open mics oh my god especially if it's silent it smells oh it's even

that brings me back when i started me and matt in the back of the healing at the helium open mic every once in a while you just catch a fucking hard toot out of Matt. Catch a creeper, dude. A quiet one. That's just a nervous stomach, dude. Yeah. Just letting out. Dude, I do silent but deadly, so I'm not a big... Really? I don't have...

I'm a big time sound hound. Shane's the same. Dude, you look like... Shane's awesome. You look like you're made of farts. No stinks. No stinks. Just sound.

Very rare smell. Very rare? Pure air. Bursts. It's like... Do you guys like to smell your own farts, obviously? I don't like them them but i need to know what's up with them every once in a while i'll still do one will be like a a new scent yeah you know you get hit with one that like smells different it's like whoa yeah what's going on yeah i'll still do a little diesel and you're like

what's that about dude if i'll rip ass in my bed dude i still i'll cover up really oh yeah catch the full experience? You'll go full IMAX on the phone, dude? I'll pair it with some wine. It's time to move home, though. What's up? It's time to move home. Yeah.

You can't be out in L.A. smelling your own fart. You can't be out in L.A. putting a blanket over your head. How was the party out there? Were you Mr. Cool? Were you Mr. Cool or not? Oh, dude, I dove headfirst into a pile of cocaine for three years. Damn, did you really? Yeah, I've been out of working nostrils since like 2015.

Wow. Nice. So you were Johnny, you're full Johnny Cage. Yeah, it was. Mr. Hollywood. Hollywood Lou. It's cool until it's like, yeah, it was pretty, I'm not going to, yeah, I don't regret it. It was fucking, I would like go to like, I found myself in like mansion parties where

people were like passing it around on like trays. Like people would walk around with like lots of coke cut on trays. Damn. Like there were fucking hors d'oeuvres and it was fucking awesome. Is that what the coke world's like? You just auto, you just start doing coke and start meeting powerful people? No, it's like, it goes either way. I've done it that way, and I've also ended up in a dive bar bathroom at 7 a.m.

with some guy named Ace who's trying to pitch to me his app idea. You know what I mean? Oh, God. LA, just everybody's pitching something. Oh, it's the fucking – Doing coke and pitching something? Everybody's on all the time, like not in a fun cool way that's everyone on coke everyone's on coke and it's also i've never seen it like permeates every

like level of society like i've done coke with dishwashers and i've done coke with like famous people you know what i mean like it's like it's across the board like everybody famous people is on cocaine what famous people do cocaine uh you know who I mean? Like, it's like, it's across the board. Like everybody famous people is on cocaine. What famous people do cocaine? Uh, you know who I did? This is, it's not the most famous,

but this is my favorite person is I did, I did a Coke with a beans from even Steven. Damn. I was just talking about beans. I gotta be honest. He does not look good. Really? Oh my God.

I didn't recognize him for a while. Cause he looks, dude, he looks like he's been doing meth for years. Damn. And so we're sitting there, we're doing key bumps in this dive bar in fucking North Hollywood, and I'm like, you look really familiar. And he's like, yeah, you ever see even Stevens? I'm Beans. And I'm like, get the fuck out of town, dude.

Poor guy. Yeah. Beans is in trouble? No, Beans. Fuck. He was the guy who'd be like, he would talk. Yeah. I loved Beans is in trouble no Beans fuck he was the guy who'd be like I loved Beans dude

Beans was great I think Goldberg got his life back together you see that he did he did get his turn around the goalie from

Mighty Ducks dude he just had a post where he was like I'm celebrating three years of sobriety with a new set of teeth I'm like good for you Goldberg

quack quack quack quack yeah like most hockey players yeah true you need to replace those those chomps so you've been out doing doing blow mr hollywood yeah it's been cool is the goddamn other side of the pillow out there and then the goddamn chinese flu comes along and it's back. Back here.

Home, baby. Yeah, dude. Nothing's going on. And it's also, it's like, you know. Party time's over because some guy ate a bat. Yeah. Ruined everything. Munched a fucking bat.

And we have those fucking bugs. Don't forget about them. Oh, those spotter. Two-part effort. We don't get the bugs. I haven't run into the bugs yet. We got them pretty bad over here, dude. I did a number.

I definitely went full USA on some lanternflies the other day. Dude, I've talked to a few vegan fucking hippie people that are like, save the trees, save the birds, and they're like, fucking motherfucker. They curb stomp those fucking things. I love it. They do. They will American History X the shit out of them. Hey, hey, hey, hey shit hey hey hey come on man

we don't glorify racial violence sorry dude not everything's about Hollywood I know whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa

we're about unity sorry sorry turn it on yeah turn it on you're in the hot seat maybe you're in the hot seat

dude I'm riding Mr. Hollywood no that's what's up I was super excited to have you. Yeah, that's such a funny thing to like... I know you moving home, I think, is good. Fuck being in LA right now.

Also, go to New York. You know. True. Dude, stand up. Move to New York. I was a fucking idiot. I was like, I went out to LA to like change and become a different person because I didn't like who I was here.

And then all I did was just like, you just double down on... You just became a worse version. Well, it's like the thing. It's like, you know, when you go to a new And then all it did was just like, you just double down on, you just became a worse version. Well, it's like the thing. It's like, you know, when you're, when you go to a new place and you try to like make friends, you kind of get thrown like the first lifeline that's like tossed to you. You know what I mean? Cause you don't know anybody. I'm so autistic.

That sounds like such a nightmare to go to a place where I don't know anyone and be like, well, so you go, so you go out there. Yeah. I couldn't do it. So you go out there and like, you know, you don't really like make too many friends. And then all of a sudden one person's like, I like to do cocaine. And like oh i can i can do that i can totally fucking do i'm great at that you know so it's like yeah you just sort of like fall into that into that trap and i'm i'm honestly i'm super grateful that corona happened because it's like you know it's kind of redundant to say

but like your reality is your reality you know what i mean and when you're in the soup of it like you don't even fucking realize what you're doing. You want to do some coke tonight? I mean, yeah. Was beans the first person that approached you? I'm just glad to get home and get out of it. You want to do some coke?

Yeah. I mean, that's the thing. It's like, if you're, if you're like, if, if I'm,

if it's not around, I don't care at all, but it's like, dude, the minute someone's like, I'm gonna do a bump. I'm like, uh,

yeah, absolutely. It's three o'clock in the afternoon sure wow coke's a tough coke instantly transforms the whole scene you're into into like an episode of shark tank oh everyone's just like dude oh fucking dude that's literally me out on this network here's this pyramid marketing scheme that's that that's my coke stance and also i also noticed this is that when I laugh when I'm on Coke, I laugh like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas, where he's like.

I had to spike, huh? True. I'm glad you're off the junk. Yeah, get off the junk. Yeah. Sweet, Lou. You're looking filled out, dude. Dude, I put on 15 pounds since quarantine.

It's good. It looks good. I don't look like I'm fucking dying anymore. Yeah, it looks good. You're a handsome guy. Did you kiss any guys in LA? I did. Yeah, I had a feeling.

You did. You kissed a guy? I kissed a guy. I, you know. One? Yeah, we were coked out of our fucking minds. That's what happens. It's rumpus time.

You want to go to LA? You want to be Mr. Cool? You're going to end up kissing a guy. On coke. And then you're going to have to move home. Well, it was one of those things where it's like, you know, coming up in, like, middle school and stuff, like, you know, everyone gets their balls busted for something.

And, like, I was always, you know, I was always the gay guy. That's, you know, he calls me gay Lou more than anybody. And I get more pussy than anybody in this scene combined. Well, you go in as a Trojan horse. Yeah, you coke with waitresses. Yeah. It's not that impressive. Time out.

You're going in as a Trojan horse. You lure them in. Yeah, because if you tell a girl you're gay, they let you touch the boobs. Right. That's a cheating. That's a cheating. And I got to be honest. If you're trying to work on the douchebag, you know, part of you, never repeat what you just said.

Oh, yeah, I know. That's a just said oh yeah i know that's a tough one so you found a guy oh yeah you're special yeah we were um yeah did a bunch of drugs together and then we ended up sharing a bed because we were at a house party nightmare dude i did and then i looked at him and i was like you want to make out and he was like i thought you're straight and i was like yeah but i have to know so yeah so we ended up like making out for like 20 minutes then i were like stubble rubbed together at some point i was like yeah this isn't for me and he was like well i applaud you for trying and i was like all right cool good night and that was it nice my bravery dude that's a nice thing lamar what do you think of something like that when you hear something like that i just i don't know

tell me what you think i want to I want to know what's going through LaMare Lee's head I thought I immediately thought about the stubble I was like stubble would be my main concern yep

that would be I would more of a dick the dick concern would be no that's I'm sorry to do that I shouldn't have brought up your sexuality

that was inappropriate well I appreciate when people are out very honest about it yeah I like that you kissed a guy no

and that's fine it was not you know it was also that's not something that I would have done had I stayed here you know what I mean

I'm glad you could have got somebody here no but it was just like because in LA it's like dude it's like everyone's like fluid and nothing matters

yeah you can't build a family out there. No. Oh, God, no. You think so? No. My mom was like, oh, maybe we'll move out.

And, you know, Cooper's my godson. He's like, maybe Cooper will grow up out here. And I'm like, I'm moving home. Absolutely. Fucking not. So you did it for your family? Of course. God damn, dude.

So you need a Republican Supreme Court, dude. You need a... Yeah, you should be praying for a Republican Supreme Court. Dude, yeah. Out, out, out. You're going to knock off you should be praying for a Republican Supreme Court. Dude, yeah. Out, out, out. You're going to knock off all this rumpus time out in Los Angeles.

You need someone to say, quit making out with each other. It's not right. I do like that. I like when people are open,

out and open. Yeah. I appreciate it. I admire that. You admire it? Yeah, I do. I'm a girl. you ever kiss a guy?

I should go to... I should be in the Supreme Court. LaMari, you ever kiss a dude? Like a... What – I should be in the Supreme Court. LaMari, you ever kiss a dude? Like a – What? That's a yes.

I thought so. That's a yes. I thought so. That's a yes. Not like a thing. Not like make out or nothing. Just like – Why?

Yeah. For a bit. That doesn't count. All right. That doesn't count. Sean Preston and I would make out for bits. That's not real Noah

ask me I might ask you or that nose ring I'm not fucking gay bro come on man take it easy that's those fucking dad jeans talking Levi's

$20 down at fucking JT's I got TJ Maxx and JC Benny's

messed up so I had to point it a little to save it you said JT's that's how you

get out of a mistake what you should have thought is just fart right in the microphone damn we have fun it's getting toasty in here it is that is a man what a tale That's how you get out of a mistake. What you should have thought is just fart right in the microphone. Damn.

We have fun. It's getting toasty in here. It is. That is a, man, what a tale. What a sordid affair. It's important for people. Now, also, it's not like, also, Lou is, from what I've gathered, my short times in L.A. is pretty respected in the scene.

Like, everybody's like, he's good. So it's not like you went out there and fucking failed at comedy. No, no, not at all. Yeah. And Lou is good at stand-up. I want that to be known. Thank you. But you went out and you had a little too much fun.

Well, it's also, it's like. I'm just trying to make Matt laugh. I know Matt loves it. Shane being stern is so funny. But it's like that thing where it's like, you know, I'd have a good set and i'd get off stage and i'd be like why do i still feel like shit and then it's like yeah it's like you're not going back to a green room with like you or six or shane or yeah you know what i mean it's like you want to you know what's the point of doing it if you're not doing it with your fucking boys true that couldn't agree more you know that's why i was so that's man had the same

thought i was out in minnesota just eating dick after dick in a mall, dude. I lived in a mall for five days. Did you live in there for real? Unfortunately, no. They even kind of dicked me on that. Normally, they put you in the nice hotel in the mall. Got wind of that. I was out across the street in just a ridiculous hotel.

You were in the motel of Bangladesh? I was in a bad motel. Were you really? No, it was fine, but it was one of those new hotels that's just supposed to look modern, but it's just cheap. Right. It was fine. What was nice is they had a shuttle,

and I was one of the only people staying there. So the shuttle was just, I'd be like, yo, will you give me a ride to TGI Fridays? I'd be like, hop in. He'd me a ride to TGI Fridays? I'd be like, hop in. He'd drive me across this big-ass parking lot. I'd go get hammered at TGI Fridays. Call the hotel. I would call the hotel to get picked up a bit.

Can you send the shot on to that guy? Wait, you'd just get hammered at TGI Fridays alone? By myself. Yeah, like that fucking stinks. And that actually, no, no, no, no. That actually ruled. I had a moment while I was walking through this fucking mall, getting drunk at TGI Fridays, all this,

where I could either sit there and be like, fuck all these people, fuck these trash stores, fuck this, how dumb do you have to be to be in this, to just be like, this is actually awesome. This rules. Getting hammered by myself at TGI Fridays is cool. Within the Mall of America. Yeah.

I had to think to myself, it's time for me to just fully embrace capitalism. Like the worst form of capitalism, which is franchises in the middle of America. And just, you have to embrace it. So I, you know, first night, Bud Light's to the ceiling. Sounds like a mystical experience.

It was fun, dude. I sat there, ordered a steak. It was great. Dude, this sounds like your version. This sounds like a white trash version of like drinking ayahuasca. I had to travel out into the wilderness. It's just you drinking Bud Light Tall Boys

and ordering steak at a fucking TGI Friday. You know what? I get it. I get it now. Fuck. That's awesome. I'm dumb now. I could have had a good one there.

I was going to give myself a Native American TGI Friday's name. My new name is Whiskey Glaze. My name is Light Bud. But no, Bud Lights were flown. And also, dude, I tweeted it and it made me laugh. My tweets, I was bordering on like, look how quirky I am tweets, which I regret. I don't want to delete them. I thought they were funny.

But I was hammered and I was at I was at TGI Fridays and fucking on the jukebox somebody was somebody played Dragula twice

dude I thought that was you no I come on I was fibbing did I tell you it was me I fibbed

oh that's so funny. I'm ashamed of myself for fibbing. Dude, no. Trying to make myself Mr. Cool. You got to take ownership. If somebody plays Dragula, it's like, who did that? I think that was me. No, I was sitting there, and somebody was playing it on the play,

so nobody was even getting up. You couldn't even identify. It was like a game of Clue. Billy controls the jukebox down the street from his house, and he put on like an hour of kenny loggins for like five bucks that fucking rules i will listen i would sit there and listen to danger zone for three hours he fucking kenny loggins dude so you you dragula dragula valid i did steal dragula valid on the phone with you which i am truly regretful of. Me, probably like five different dudes. That's it in this TGI Fridays.

Totally empty. Everybody just looking at their phones and just Dragula just blasted. Yeah, it was social distance and everybody was just one guy by themselves. That's awesome. Dragula. It was social distance, but there was just groups of one. It was all groups of one. Business travel, basically. Just dudes looking at their phones.

Nobody looked up once. And just Dragula blasting while people were drinking Bud Lights that were like 48 ounces. That's awesome. Yeah, and it was actually nice. Well, Cosco, if you're going to get drunk at TGI Fridays in the Mall of America, what's the song you're going to put on? Dragula is actually the best. Dragula is probably pretty

sick. When I go to a jukebox, I like to, if they have that Biggie Smalls album, put the interlude of him just having sex really loud. That's one of my favorite songs to put on. Yeah. And,

or I like to do Atlantis by Donovan. Oh, let's go on. It's just that song of a guy being like, in the Odin times, the Atlantean people,

they just talk about Atlantis for like six minutes and then they go into a chorus. Dude, it's the funniest thing to put on a bar. That's a good one. Yeah,

put on Donovan Atlantis is a really good one my go-to is uh night moves by bob seger just because everyone like because i've done it before and i like watch the crowd and like everyone just kind of like nobody looks at each other but they just kind of do that thing where they close their eyes and they're like that's a genuine nice thing to do just like put on some night moves about this moves I promise Dragula is the one Dragula is in that situation was so I should have played the Notre Dame fight song

I do usually pick that that's fucking gay no it's very funny at a bar everyone's like who the fuck put this on yeah putting on college fight songs don't talk to me about gay Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Everyone's like, who the fuck put this on? Yeah, putting on fights at college fights. I don't know, dude.

Don't talk to me about it. I'm going to be rude. Go ahead, go ahead. More human than human would be... Anything by Rob Zombie rules. He's so good. He's so fucking gay Oh my god dude

What'd you think of his jeans? They're tight They were what? You can't make fun of his jeans dude Why? Cause he's fucking Turning and twisting around dude With dudes in bed

You gotta wear pants that tight dude I can't believe I can't believe our guest is gay Damn Dude I'm That's how the younglings... That's how some of the younglings are now, dude. It's just like...

Everyone's my other big... I try it out. Dude, I was in... When I was in gay school, when I was in social work school... Where were we at? Tell us. We're at one out of...

Oh, switch over? Switch to the Patreon. We're going to switch over to the Patreon, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, shit. Before we do, we got to... Matt's coming back on the road, dude.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Matt's doing stand-up again. So, October 2nd and 3rd we'll be at Magooby's Joke House in Timonium, Maryland. It's barely even the road, too. Barely even the road.

But we'll get you out there. Sure. We are going to get you out there. I'll be in Texas. Yeah, Texas. So, October 2nd and 3rd and LaMare's going to come with us. And maybe even fucking Noah

if you want you I'll get you to a mashup I'll get you oh no but I'll get you a hotel you'll get you guys two twin beds

get the get the boys in there true and then we're gonna do a live podcast I think Saturday night the 3rd so 2nd 3rd

we're doing stand up 3rd we're gonna do live podcast 15th 16th and 17th Helium in Philly So second, third, we're doing stand-up. Third, we're going to do live podcasts. 15th, 16th, and 17th, Helium in Philly. So that'll be good. So Helium's a live cast. Helium's also a live cast.

So the 3rd and 17th, we're going to have two live casts. Oh, boy. Yeah. I mean, we can Patreon if they suck. The 23rd and 24th, Hyenas Comedy Club in Fort Worth and Dallas. Now, you're not coming to those? I'm coming to Dallas. Oh, you are coming to those.

Not to the other ones. So Matt's going to come with me on the 23rd and 24th to Fort Worth and Dallas. It's been a while since I've been to Fort Worth. And then, true. I went there for a rugby championship back when I was in high school. You played rugby? Hold on, Lou. We're doing dates.

Sorry. And then the 10th, November 10th, I'll be at Zaney's in Nashville, and the 11th I'll be at Huntsville, Alabama. So the 10th, I think O'Connor's is coming. I think you subbed out for those. Yeah. I was going to come, but I was like, they're doing the week. Bring in a reliever whenever you want.

I'll fucking fire O'Connor. Yeah, keep O'Connor on thin ice. I told O'Connor that you're back, dude. My number one running back's back. He's going to be getting less touches. I told him he was a third down back. I was like, we're not going to cut you. I basically gave him a hard knocks talk.

I was like, come into the office. We need to talk. I was like, look, I love the work ethic you're putting in. You're putting in a lot of hard work. We are going to sign Matt. Now, he just lost a majority of his touches. If you have O'Connor on your fantasy stand-up league

move him to flex. This is like any given Sunday where O'Connor's Dennis Quaid and he's Jamie Foxx. Actually, I'd say in that analogy, he's more of a Quaid. He's my long-time ace Hall of Famer.

He's coming back. I got O'Connor coming in there thinking he's Willie Beeman. My name is Willie Beeman. I keep the ladies creaming. Hell yeah. We're going to slide into Patreon. Oh, yeah. We're going to go to the page.

So come to those shows. Matt will be with me. It'll be great. Thank you. Excited.