Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 321- Shrek 1

Episode Date: October 28, 2020

The weekend in Texas gets recapped, then we talk about an election night live show. We then talk about Mayweather sparring his gf, Chelsea Handler trying to wrangle 50 cent, Trad Cath, getting caught jerkin by ur parents, and a bunch more!!! Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Cop a tee @ mssecretpodcast.com/merch/

God damn, dude. We're back. Wow. Dang. What a weekend. What a weekend, bro. Unbelievable. You and Mr. Texas.

Nah, man. Old Longhorn Matt. Come on, man. Dude, I've never... That was like a duck in water, dude. It was like having a... I mean, yeah, it kind of was probably for you, like having an old road guide there,

like an old ranch hand you pulled up. There was some old ranch hand who already knew the land. Oh, it was crazy. First time down here. First time in Texas. I was like no i was here last month i mean dude i was here the whole time i was down the whole time i was here 20 years ago i know the lay of the land the whole time i was there i didn't stop squinting yeah you guys that's the texas sun down oh dude actually there was no texas sun we got down there yeah fucking freezing dude yeah it was cold and rainy the whole time cold as hell colder than hell colder than hell dude god i didn't have a goddamn sweatshirt we're just

two texas boys now true man well basically it was just us if you ever if you don't you know if you want to see what we were up to just watch that uh that was that one movie heller high water heller high water that was pretty much me watch the scene where the two guys wrestle on a farm that's pretty much what we did that's all we did did. Except in a hotel room. Yeah. In Dallas, in the city. Just two Texas boys wrestling. Yeah, dude. That was a fucking sick weekend.

That was awesome. That was awesome, dude. That barbecue. Oh, man. Yeah, that was a lot. Wow. That was actually, I think you were right. That was kind of ill-advised. Before a show?

Yeah. We just ate a bunch of barbecue, take a nap. That first, dude, I was sleepy mad. I saw you. I was sleepy mad. That was kind of ill-advised. Before a show? Yeah. We'll just eat a bunch of barbecue, take a nap. That first, dude, I was sleepy mad. I saw you. I was sleepy mad. That first, that Shrek one? Shrek one. That Shrek one?

That first show on Saturday, I was definitely sleepy mad. I was too, yeah. Low energy. Yeah. Dude, we ate a painful amount of barbecue and then slept until showtime. Until 20 minutes to walk down. You snoozed your alarm. The place was walking distance.

The show was at 7. I think your last alarm was 6.30. Snoozed twice. Yeah. Shrek 2. Shrek 2. Typically, I'm a Shrek 1. I'm not going to ever explain what that means.

You should never do it. Also, are you going to start plugging the shows up front? Oh yeah, fuck. Now I don't remember. Oh man. I wasn't prepared. Thank you. Good damn. What a memory. We got a big one coming one week from today. Live

election night at Helium Comedy Club. We're going to do a end of the world podcast. We're just going to copy. We're going to do a end of the world podcast. We're just going to copy. We're going to do what every single other comedian is going to do on election night, which is a live podcast, but we only have heavy hitters. True. True hitters. Yeah, we have

a nice mix too. We have some Democrats. We have two Democrats. Track two Democrats. I'm Green Party. You're Green. I'll be representing Green Party. I'm going to represent Green Party. Oh, you do? Nice. It'll be a full model UN.

Nobody's going to rep. Well, I know two guys that will probably rep the Republicans. Hopefully, War Mode shows up. That'd be tight if we can get them. If we can secure War Mode, that'd be big. If not, we can get some. I think, who else would be a Republican? Sid.

Sid the Kid, of course. Sid the Kid would be. It's good to get some black Republicans think... Who else would be a Republican? Sid. Sid the Kid, of course. Sid the Kid would be... It's good to get some black Republicans. Lamar Lee, black Republican. Nope. Lamar Lee's a Democrat. Are you a Dem? Yeah, he believes in COVID.

He's a Dem. Oh. I'm not a... I'm a part of the NFAC now. They're not fucking around coalition. Nice. We're black cons. What's the...

What are you guys after? You know, just equal rights for black people. Change. are you guys after? You know just equal rights For black people Change What's that? Alright You know Systematic change

But not messing with the Democrats No Gotcha Sick Pretty cool People on YouTube YouTube comments Already coming at LeMaire

Yo Comment below If you're fucking sick of Leemaire derailing every single show. Comment. Yeah, Texas ruled. I will say this. I've never been to a state where more people are up their own ass about where they live. New Jersey is pretty close.

True. New Jersey is very much like that. New Jersey and Texas. It is. It's New Jersey. People from New Jersey. We do things a little different here. It's Jersey, baby. Sorry you don't like my attitude. true new jersey is very much like new jersey and texas new jersey it is it's new jersey people from new jersey we do things a little different here it's jersey sorry you don't like my attitude it's like you're just driving drunk like an asshole yeah yeah you just drive like a piece

of shit sorry that's just jersey baby yeah dude it is god damn i just drove through jersey all day i do dislike jersey not all day you know it's two hours come on but still that's that's enough that's enough it's enough jersey yeah a question. It's enough Jersey. Yeah, Jersey drivers pride themselves on driving fast as fuck. And they're very serious about using the left lane strictly for passing. Speeding, going like 100. Exactly. They think it's the Autobahn. They live in New Jersey and they think it's like, no, dude.

I will say, though, I lived in Jersey for, I think, two years. If you have Jersey plates, they don't pull you over that much. I would speed. I mean, I was only 80 in my shitty car with bad struts. But I know people who drive out of state, and they get pulled over like crazy. I've been pulled over in Jersey a couple times. A huge source of Jersey revenue is out-of-state plates, beach season, snagging people. Oh, dude, all those highways, they call them safety zones.

They'll be like, oh, we're doing construction seven miles up from here. So for this, all those highways, they call them like safety zones. They'll be like, oh, we're doing construction seven miles up from here. So like for this 10-mile stretch, it's triple. Yeah, it's like 45. It's triple. And they'll be like,

and it's triple penalty. It's fucking bullshit, dude. Yo, triple pen. Yeah, Jersey's on some bullshit. I mean, their leadership obviously failed them, dude. One, Chris Christie. I hate Chris Christie.

Can't stand Chris Christie, dude. Groveling fucking yellow belly, dude. I can't stand Chris Christie, dude. Groveling fucking yellow belly, dude. I can't stand that guy. He was yellow. Him and fucking Ted Cruz, both yellow. Yellow as hell, dude. He fully kissed the ring and then now he's on ABC being like, I don't know what he's doing.

It's like, dude, I don't care. I have your opinion, but he's a fucking yellow belly, dude. Yeah, they're yellow. I mean, dude, Bernie Sanders kissed him. Now that we're from Texas, dude. Oh, we hate yellow bell I mean, oh, dude, Bernie Sanders. Now that we're from Texas, dude. True. Oh, we hate yellow bellies. Disgusting. I also, dude, if any of them were like, if Bernie Sanders had, when he was supposed to kiss the ring, WWE styled, was like, fuck this bullshit, I'm out.

People would have been like, oh, my God, this is awesome. Yeah. Like, what do they have on these guys? It's so funny for him to kiss the ring twice, and the second time everyone was like, what? Yeah, obviously. The first ring kiss was bad. He got worked against, you know, allegedly. No, no, no.

It was totally true. Yeah, so they got him. No, it's been leaked. No, the emails were there that the DNC was like, we got to get rid of this guy. Yeah. So that was real. All right. I'm very now aware that everyone's highly problematic.

That one's real, but because Russia found it, it doesn't count is that how it worked yeah the yeah they were like the left was like well who cares about that yeah what matters is who found this email and we think it was the russians so that's who we need to focus on not the fact that we're not even listening to voters we're just just picking who we want. Well, it's also, it is funny. Which I think actually they can do. What? I think a political party can just be like, no, this is who we're running. Oh, for sure.

I don't know. I mean, that's what they did. No, they can't. But it's like a magic trick. It has to have, everyone has to be convinced that like they did it. They're like, yeah, this is it. Yeah. Well, that's what they did this year where they had all the other major, like mainstream

candidates drop out the same day yeah so that everybody voted for biden versus yeah i know burn dog i noticed how they all were like i'm the person and all of a sudden they're like nah i'm cool yeah all of us are gonna drop out at the same time but all right pete bernie yeah dude yeah he kissed the ring but i can't when i see chris christie i never only ever watch abc when my wife's parents are over or so they'll like come over and they'll put on abc or whatever fucking i forget what channel he's on he just sits there like a fucking toad he is just like yeah i agree from a republican standpoint it's like dude shut up you fucking bitch he kissed the ring to covet dude he was yellow to covet he was like i shouldn't

have been at that party covet's very real he was He was like, you know, I'm going to this party, mask off, chilling. He got COVID and instantly was like, it's very serious. He kissed the ring, dude. He's yellow.

He talks shit until he gets fucking whipped. And then he immediately is like, I'm with whoever just beat me. He's like a stray dog. He is. He's just loyal to his abuser. Yeah, now he worships COVID. Now he's out campaigning for COVID.

Is he a Republican? Yeah. I think he's a mole. I think it's pretty clearly he's working for the D.S. I think he's clearly working for COVID. Don't talk about my fucking... Don't you dare make fun of my disease. Don't talk about my former New Jersey governor, dude.

True. How dare you? I would never besmirch the Garden State. God damn it, dude. Yeah. Yeah, Jersey, I'm telling you. Oh, wait, hold on. Before I forget, now that we're talking politics,

I do have to retract my affinity for Comey on Showtime. All right, let me explain. As I just criticized them for being yellow and turning on their own opinions, this is a true opinion. I was hungover, laid up in Beezer's Lair. True. So I wasn't exactly all there. I was emotional.

And I thought it was pretty good. And then I got home. My roommates were watching it in New York. And I just sat there and i was like oh fuck i was way wrong about this but it was too late i couldn't get my opinion back out true i couldn't be like look i made a mistake two hours ago i had to wait a full week to be like yo that shit sucked i apologize i was i was enjoying seeing trump even but then i watched a regular trump interview and i was like oh yeah trump's not this

yeah like it was brennan gleason's version of him was like like very like evil and then i saw a trump clip and i'm like oh yeah i forgot i thought he's great so you saw the real deal and you're like this is the least racist person in the room as soon as i saw him say he was the least racist person in the room i was like what was i thinking that's such a wild fucking take it is funny though because like if you do get accused of racism like that you can't there's nothing you can say there's nothing you can point to and be like no i'm not i know you can all you can do is trump out and be like i'm literally the least racist person here

i mean dude it's a sick i'm the least racist person i know i'll tell you the least racist person i know right now is Chelsea Handler. True. Did you see her little thing with 50 Cent? No, but I remember seeing her show. Least racist person. She did a whole show about confronting her white guilt. Okay.

Dude, she goes to a spoken word, like a poet jam, and then asks to speak at the end. And it's like, I just want you to know that i'm sorry it's a bunch of black people like what the fuck i think somebody even criticizes her on that which is good for them she's like oh yes thank you yeah she's like true this is actually true speaking of love being admonished and whipped dude well she apparently must be i guess her white privilege special gave her the necessary powers to remind 50 Cent that he's black and should vote Democrat. Oh, she did that publicly? Yeah, he was like, fuck this, dude.

60% rate. I'm not paying you shit. This is bullshit. And she was like, I had to remind 50 Cent he was black. Which, you know, maybe she's kidding, but it's like. No one on earth needs to remind 50 Cent that he's black, dude. It's literally like if you wanted to pick the blackest dude on earth, maybe it's 50 Cent.

Floyd Mayweather. Naturally, they're at odds. Mayweather and 50 Cent are at odds. They're boys, but they beef. They're Highlanders, dude. There only can be one blackest person on earth, dude, so they hate each other. Mayweather's the fucking man, dude.

He does rule. Both of them do rule. Yeah, but that was the... Except I think Mayweather occasionally tags up a lady that he's with. Every once in a while, he can toss a couple. He can't turn it off, dude. He'll toss a couple combos. Well, in his defense, he's a counterpuncher, so she obviously struck first.

True. He is a counterpuncher. Never even thought of that. She probably came in and he was just... It was a complete... Oh, you're saying his training kicks in? His girlfriend pushes over and he's just like

throws a fucking jab before even he's so quick before he even knows what he does she's like I don't want this car and he's like

he's like a werewolf like you know in werewolf movies where they're like go go run get out of here I'm gonna he's probably like

don't don't even try it and if you throw anything at him he he's just. Get hit with a four piece. Oh. Man, I'd love the footage of that. Just Mayweather getting screamed at by a lady.

And then throwing a combo. Just in his own house. Probably in like pajamas. Oh my God. Bitch. Well, yeah. there's no way he can temper like a settle down calm down like a woman beating mode i think there's no way he throws his like full fury so it's got to be like he's small does does he i mean true this is like the greatest boxer of all time i'm being real now i'm being real now. I'm being real now. This is a serious topic. Do you think he puts on like the head strap for her?

Oh, you think he spars? You think he spars? You think he makes her wear the sparring garment? Put the head strap on and the bodysuit and just start fucking working the body? He puts it on himself and then speeds it up.

Yes. He's like, let's talk about this in the ring actually can we please yeah let's settle this like no no I just want to I'm not going to hit you I swear I just want to

I just like to do all my serious talking in the ring it'd be funny to see like going into a fight like be like he had a pretty tough camp some of his sparring partners included you know they tried to match his opponent's style also he also sparred with a couple women

he also beat the he knocked out a couple sparring partners which which, you know, that's always good. That'd be tight if he refers to his ex-girlfriends as his sparring partners. Yeah. Tough sparring partners. Oh, man. That was making me laugh, dude. The Chelsea Handler thing was just like.

That's so wild. You know, and again, like I said, maybe she's like kidding around. Maybe she's joshing, dude. But if you think about it, here's a black guy who's like, I kind of like to keep my money. And she's like, no, you're black're black yeah you must be tax heavily it's just in order to be like in order for you to maintain your cultural her like you know your cultural whatever you need to forfeit money to this democratic party not even just a little like a sizable portion of your income must go to another party yeah or you're allowed to just be like quietly like well yeah i'll i'll say to vote for this guy but secretly like get the fuck out of here but that was that

was just crazy dude everyone like yeah yeah if you're if you're 50 if you're 50 yeah well he said he's about to be prospect it's about to be 30 cent dude i think you're fucking taxing him like man how much do that's how much do all of our parents love that joke true was. Was it you? Somebody was with me and they were like, my mom just sent me this off of Facebook. Really? And it was the 20 cent joke. That's a big joke. Damn.

Big for the boomers. So 50, that's a great joke. That's a boomer joke. Well, they've been calling, who's that rapper? 50 Cent? 50, $4 or whatever. Yeah, so they've been riffing on it.

They've been coming up with the perfect riff. It's a classic geezer joke. I'm not going to say how 50 came up with the joke. Maybe he was in the club. Maybe there's bottles going around. Someone hit him with Biden's tax plan. He was like, what the fuck?

Grabbed the phone, fucking tweeted. It went viral. Then Lloyd was just like, who, Banks? With his fucking dead eyes. He just like, yo, 50. Who, Banks? Banks was like with his fucking dead eyes, was like, yo, 50, I think you're going viral on conservative media, bro. Oh, dude. We had a... Or maybe Young Buck.

Remember the Young Buck news we got? Yeah, what happened? On the way to the club? I didn't look into it. We were just the... Very G-unit heavy episode. Yeah, all about... Our G-unit rules, man.

G-unit, dude. Still rule. Popping them things holds up man uh fucking uh we were we were in the uber yep on the way to the show and it was i think it was a chrysler 300 if i'm not mistaken true uh just to give you just to paint a picture that's it nothing you know just paint a picture it's chryslerler 300 in Texas. But we were listening to the local rap radio station, which I haven't listened to one of those in a while. They are the fucking wildest things. It's just a dude.

It's like a Funk Flex screaming dude. They're not like that up here. Oh, really? No, that was awful. True, I feel like up here it's like Latinas. In New York. Kind of sexy Latinas. In New York, for sure.

And then they get like, I've talked about this before. There's a lot of white Jewish guys in the upper echelons of morning rap radio. White Jewish guys. They kind of Ali G out a little bit. They really turn it on, dude. Like clue facial hair. Are you taking shots? No, I'm saying...

Are you taking a shot at my fucking sick goat right now? No, no, no, no, no. I know. You don't have an agendized goatee, dude. I have a very nice goatee. A lot of people... A lot of compliments are headed my way. I mean, again, a lot of compliments.

I noticed that there was a... Fuck, what was it? Oh, after Nick Cannon... After, excuse me, Professor Nick Cannon was saying how white people are subhuman. And there was like this white Jewish guy on like Hot 90 Million or whatever, like Hot 97 in the morning,

being like, yeah, that's what I'm trying to say, though. Like, you know, as a white guy. And he 90 million or whatever, like hot 97 in the morning being like, yeah, that's what I'm trying to say though. Like, you know, as a white guy and hip hop, you know, they had to give him his like five, he's like,

as a Jewish man and hip hop, I'm just saying like, this is kind of what I'm up against. And it's like, dude, shut up. Oh, nice.

Shut up. Yes. It's like, stop. It must be tight though. You're a white rapper and you're like victimized. Like sweet. Oh,

sweet. I get to be the victimized ones. This is weird. Usually I felt like I was kind of like stealing and stuff. Oh, sweet. Cool. Nice. Um, victimized like sweet oh sweet wait i get to be the victimized one this is weird usually i felt like i was kind of like stealing and stuff oh sweet cool nice um so we're we're in the car on the way and we're listening to the news via hip-hop radio in texas and the news that day was young buck young buck had been in uh some sort of domestic dispute i believe he somebody got shot there were shots fired his his woman and him had they were sparring yeah they had as he was training but

young buck apparently was supposed to do a show with this radio station so they were like yeah he got arrested you know they found guns and drugs on him he was beating his wife but yo hopefully buck gets out and can make it to our uh hot 98 fucking summer fest or whatever it was like oh my god like look man we don't take sides you know we just hope you get out safely and hopefully you can make it a hot 98 summer fest summer jam it's gonna be late that's absolutely the joke you open with and it's like dude please give us black fans as soon as you get in trouble, they're just like, this sounds like bullshit. Hopefully he beats this case and we can hang out. Prayers, thoughts and prayers to Young Buck.

I mean, it was pretty egregious. It was like he flashed a gun. This is what it sounded like. It sounded like he pulled a gun on his wife. They were like, look, man, we weren't there, and we don't take sides in these kind of, you know, we don't get in the middle of couple business. So please, Young Buck, if you hear hear this make it out the summer that's just family business that stays home shots were fired or something i don't want to i don't want to lie

on buck saint true that's the last thing we want true i mean they got the g unit camps got enough going on dude they're trending on fox that's gotta suck dude done everything to be like a cool and rapid and all of a sudden fox News is like, yeah, dude. I could be wrong. I think 50 likes that. Probably. I think he likes – he's a big bad guy type guy. True.

What's more, you know, being a bad guy than black conservative that's just about his money? I mean, they got to – you have to be – they have to be seen like, you know, to be like a rapper and then be like, I don't know, man. Come out and be like, I kind of like his economic pot it's got you know you probably go you probably start trending but numbers wise well i don't know if it was true i think just the thing like the proposed tax plan of anybody that makes over four hundred thousand dollars gets taxed 62 percent yeah so of course everybody that makes

over four hundred thousand dollars was like i gotta lose 60 lose 60% of my... That's insane. Nobody's going to vote for that. That's wild. Yeah, I've seen stuff about that before, how the tax plan gets kind of misquoted. I think that's probably the case. It's not this much, it's technically blah, blah, blah.

You would imagine that's the case. I'd hope. We're in the middle of a political war. These are classic tactics. Oh, by the way, he's going to take all of your money you're like fuck that yeah you know the other guy's racist but i think it is actually you know what actually i want to say i think it's uh i think there are proposing stuff like that in california that is like 60 yeah that was the other thing that only everybody in texas was talking

about was just the exodus of calians out of California and into Texas. I think there's legitimately like something in California that they're, they haven't passed it yet. That's a thing, but they are proposing like a 60%. It is a, from what I've seen, it seems like a hellscape.

California. It's just like high taxes, tick tock and fires right now. Like truly hell. True. Restaurants are pretty good. Beaches are fantastic. Oh, yeah, I forgot you were a Cali guy.

I'm so Cal, bro. Matt ranks Cali over Texas. By the way, listeners, Matt thinks California is cooler than Texas. I say I enjoy it more. I don't know if it's cooler. I'm a beach man, dude. You are a beach bum, dude. I love the beach.

I'm more of an Atlantic Ocean guy. Pacific's got nothing for me. Yeah, I'm more OP. I'm Ocean Pacific. I kind of like to have Ocean guy. Pacific's got nothing for me. Yeah, I'm more OP. I'm Ocean Pacific. I kind of like to have a wetsuit on. True. I'm an enemy of a wetsuit. Wetsuit's the enemy of all fats.

Wetsuit's the worst. If I wore a wetsuit, I'd be devastated. I'd look like Lena Duncum's. You'd look like Lena Duncum's? I would look exactly like Lena Duncum's. No way, dude. I would exactly. Atlantic Ocean?

Shrek 1. True. Atlantic Ocean is Shrek 1. Ians. No way, dude. Atlantic Ocean, track one. True. Atlantic Ocean is track one. I thought so too, man. Pacific? I had a big – I liked the Pacific last time I was in it because you can go in the Pacific Ocean. I mean they do this polar bear plunge in the Atlantic, but you can hit the Pacific Ocean when it's like 50 degrees out,

but the water is like fucking 45. I like taking cold plunges, but that idea of going to the Atlantic Ocean when it's like 10 degrees out and like going in like, you know, 35 degree water, I'm like,

that's just crazy. That's crazy. That's too much. That's nuts. I do have a shower I do in the exercise, or I have an exercise I do in the shower right now.

Heavy meditative exercise, dude. When I turn the water like all the way, I jack it all the way cold which I always did but I always would kind of like, like cringe and kind of fight it. Yeah. And now it's pretty tight. I jack it all the way cold, which I always did. But I always would kind of like cringe and kind of fight it.

Yeah. And now it's pretty tight. You turn it all the way cold, just full blast, dude. Just fucking give it to yourself. Did you ever do that before? Yes. It's almost like you can't breathe. You're like, it kind of takes your breath away.

I just, not trance out, but I just notice the fact that the water's cold while not reacting to it. Pretty sick. Nice. See how long I can hold that for? It pretty tight i have a dual nozzle so when i get out i turn the hot off first and then hold it and see how long i can handle the cold and i'm like oh i do that often well you can't not that's the other thing too i like i was like like this is cold water i'm like all right i think i'm not flinching turn it off as soon as i turn it off dude i just scream i'm like that's your exercise it just fucking flies out of you dude it's a very energizing thing to hit cold water you know add that with salt a little cold salt water now you're

talking like you're basically curing covid but you know i'm not i don't want to get depleted i'm not a doctor i'm not a doctor look i'm not a doctor dude yeah oh i forgot i i dude this is i don't know how this is gonna go for the episode but this is a spooky story really what you got fuck i forget the name of it never mind um fuck hit me with the gist of it it's nothing better than your wife what's she what's she after just just text me bro hit me with updates. About what? I'm live. I'm on air. Who knows?

I legitimately don't know. We'll find it later. In fact, let's save the spooky story for the Patreon. Things are going to get very scary. It's going to be a very scary episode. It's not a bad idea. You think you're going to get spooky? I forgot it.

I was like, nice. I have a topic this time. That's so funny. Immediately forgot it. Actually, I'm curious about this. I have a – speaking of my bae. Do you – so if your bae was like, we have to share our location. Never.

You won't do it? No. See, I do do it because it's like – at first, I was bitterly opposed to it. Dude, you want big sister looking big sister looking for sure you want big sister looking in here's the trade-off though nah again it's a well first of all you know keeps your boy honest because it's like there's literally it's like you can't you don't do anything like i know shady exactly but i'm also i'm basically like a uyghur right now dude the fucking Fucking, there's a full, I have full surveillance.

I literally can't. Yeah, you're in a surveillance state. It'd be easy, it'd be easily like, because there are all things like, I get so nervous, I need to know where people are at, blah, blah, blah. I was like, whatever. So I thought about it first. I was like, absolutely not. That's a psyop, by the way.

Go ahead. You would think. That's a bay trick. I guess, yeah. But the other thing. It's a bay mind trick. The other thing too. You're a youngling.

Here's what, no, no. Here's what it's good for. You've been tricked. No, look. Here's what it's good for. When you want to. No, look. Here's what it's good for. When you want to fap. I've got caught fapping a lot of times, dude. It's guaranteed fap bliss, dude.

Because you just go, oh, I've got plenty of time. Damn. Can I blast? If kids have that with their parents. Oh, for fapping? Dude. Think of the risk we ran every time we fapped as young men being like, they just left for the grocery store.

People don't understand. Dude, if somebody forgets a wallet or a purse and comes right back in the house. You're done. Your whole sexual history changes in a blink of an eye. It's like you were just watching TV. Why are you in the computer room right when I left? Yeah. Wanted to search something.

I mean, imagine getting caught like hands down by your parents. You never got caught. I never got caught. Undefeated. No, did you ever get caught one time yeah you got caught one you got caught track one yeah that would happen one time run it down not like i just like didn't know anybody was home i was just chilling in my room you know throwing it down and down boom shock a lot yeah you were heating up so what you got like hit me with a scene you got

caught like dick on hand were you lubed like you have did you have materials you're looking at what was going on well how old were you just i was probably like 15 16 hot the hottest age yeah you were a cutie what was your body composition at the time oh i was i was fat i was playing football i was a big boy okay awesome the hottest way to get caught jerking off is with a fan. Laying down, standing. I did get caught once. A Jamaican caught me. A Jamaican man caught me.

Not by your parents, though. A bumbaclot saw me with my fucking, a rude boy walked in. I was ass naked, holding my dick asleep. But you were asleep. Yeah. Oh, sorry. Forgot about that rude boy. If no knock, he walk in, he cut me.

I forgot about that room, boy. If no knock, he walk in. He cut me. Hey, goodie, put that thing away. So you were standing upright or laying down? No, laying down. In the bed. Had the iPod. You were getting the Rudy.

The iPod Touch. The porn on the iPod Touch, you know. Was this the family's iPod Touch or yours? No, mine, of course. Fair enough. They asked for that that and what's it called yeah just didn't know anybody was there my dad just was like went my dad just like opened up the door and didn't didn't knock or anything just fucking through no knock one yeah yeah just fucking threw the blank on top and i just looked at him and my dad was just like...

Oh. Yeah. He hit you with the eyes? He was just like... And I was like... Wait, hold on. What was he like? He was just like...

Like horny? No, just like... Like he was horny also? No. He'd be like, feels good, doesn't it? He's like, yeah, that's pretty good, champ. No, just like fucking like, really, man? He gave you like, you're seriously jerking off?

Yeah, he's like, you're just like fucking like really man like he gave me like he seriously yeah he's like you're just like jerking off like somebody be mad at someone for jerking off like you open the door just like you really made me happy like it is funny to come in and someone just throws the covers under themselves and retreat just fucking so you just went full fucking no i just covered up my dick i was just like i was still like... I could see him. His face was exposed. So you weren't doing the old circuit. You weren't fapping under the blanket.

You were out of the blanket like a romance novel. Did he see your penis? I don't know. I don't think so. So the door opened. You pulled up. And then what look did you give your dad? I was just like,

Sorry. He starts sucking your thumb? Was that the end of it? Yeah, you just shut the door and left. It was good you weren't doing anything fucking weird. Like 15 or 16, you can do something weird while you're jerking off. Actually, back then, I kept it pretty. First off, I've never done anything weird.

I've never done anything weird. I never done anything weird i know you what you do weird things you're in the butt denial you see the butt you ever put anything in your butt no never did not a big fan of it dude not a big fan how would you know you're not a fan because i tried once thank you your honor i rest my case that's how you cross-examine why are you not into that no i don't know i've never even the closest i've come has been itching my ass then occasionally you slide something in there see what's going on there give a little one knuckle i'm a one knuckle guy i don't think i don't think i have the courage to like fully finger myself i think i've like tried to cross the threshold and i was like i'm not

about this bro you know You're not about it. I don't have this. I don't have an image. That's the Cali in you. I'm more of a Texas guy. Ain't nothing going up there. I'm more of a Texas guy. So what do you do?

Nothing with the ass. Just accuse your friends of playing with their ass and be like, I don't do that kind of shit. I've pointed fingers. That's your holster. It's just...

You fucking are gay. You're the one who does gay stuff it's a quick draw back to back 10 seconds okay you and me do have quick draws a lot just like you're the one who's gay i got there quicker so wait when you figured your own asshole what was that like while you were jay now no i was just in the shower i was trying to see okay all right i'm trying to see if i was i forgive that i oh but you were going into it it was sexual see if I was into it. I forgive that. Oh, but you were going into it. It was sexual. Curious if it was good. It was definitely sexual curiosity.

It was like, you know, I was like, am I into this? And I was just kind of like, that's fucking weird, man. Sure. Not even weird. Not like weird, like, oh, you shouldn't do that. It was like, functionally, I was like, I'm going to fuck something. I'm going to fuck my ass up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I was like, I'm going to fuck my ass up for this. That's what kept me. You're not going to get torn? Yeah, I don't want to. That was the main thing. I was like, I'm going to fuck my ass up yeah yeah yeah so i was like i'm gonna fuck my ass up for this you're not gonna get torn yeah i don't want to that was that was the main thing i was like i'm gonna fuck my ass up yeah so i got a feeling that somebody over there those two weirdos played hard any you two ever uh no yeah right you you lamar here's the rule of thumb if you go without a significant other and i'm not imagining you guys in situations if you go without a significant other for three years you automatically play with your ass at some point in those three years just happens no man champs a dry spell for that.

You're in a long dry spell. You're touching your ass. Maybe a 23-year dry spell. Pardon me. I've been in trouble for exposing your sexual history before, LeMay. I've received complaints about that before, and I do apologize. Oh, man. i that's called me jacking off who did dorian dorian deeds deeds call me jacking off where were you guys what do

you say wilmington north carolina in a hotel we were antiquing all day so you know i was tuned up you were what we're antiquing all day we're were looking for antiques. Man, I fucking hate you and Dorian as a duo doing gay shit all the time, dude. You guys were antiquing. You were like, oh, we're road comics. We're going to just scope the scene. We're going to try to buy antiques. Yeah, you guys are comedians in the car getting antiques. Yeah.

And then you. Dorian went back to the hotel. Dorian said he was going to go to the Target. I was like, oh, I got 30 minutes. I can crank one out right now. That's fair. Yeah. That's his bad, honest.

Yeah. What happened? He didn't go to the Target? He came back in like 10 minutes. Forgot something? No. He just went to the Target and came back in 10 minutes. True.

He only ever is after like snake pellets or whatever. I've been to Walmart with him. He had a pretty singular focus on the snake cream. So he caught you. He came in. What was his reaction? He was like, uh, uh, uh. So he started coming.

Like, I pulled my pants up real quick. So I was on. Elastic waist. Elastic waistband. Undoubtedly an elastic waistband. He's very swishy pants indeed. I pulled him up. It wasn't these, but I pulled him up.

And then he was like talking about Dorian's stuff. And I was trying to get him to keep talking about the stuff he was doing because then he would forget. But he noticed that that was weird. And he looked at me and he was like, oh, oh, oh. And he was like, I'll be back. And he just started. So he gave you time to finish.

You guys didn't like joke about it or address it? No. He was like, oh, I'm sorry. And then he left. Dude, I'll be back. So he gave you time to finish. You guys didn't, like, joke about it or address it? No. He was like, oh, I'm sorry, and then he left. Dude, you guys are weird. If I caught him jerking off, I would never, ever stop talking about it. A, first of all, if I caught Shane jerking off, I'd have to take him down. I'd have to fully physically contain. At first, I'd be like, I have to know that you're stopping.

So I'd fully take you down. I'd try to get it off. I'm blocking. I would try so hard. That's wrist control. I'm going to definitely have to put you in a stopping. So I'd fully take you down. I'd try to get it off. I'm blocking. I would try so hard, dude. That's wrist control. I'm going to definitely have to put you in a Kimura, dude. That would probably help. Put you in a Kimura?

If you were grabbing my wrist. Dude, I might put you in a Kimura and start wrist locking you, dude. Fucking. Full fucking. I'd put my feet on the wall and just fucking give you a full push. Dude, that's a great porn. What? Just a guy jerking off and then a bro running and trying to be Dude, that's a great porn. What? Catching the pros, catching the pros.

And then a bro running in trying to be like, stop, stop. And then be like... You promised you would stop. And I'm like, I'm trying. I can't help it. Chat, submit. Kissing the neck? It has to exist. If not, it will. If not, we should definitely consider that. If Patreon eventually runs out, we're going to have to get into the sex business.

No, no. Dude, honestly, if Patreon somehow takes a hard tank, we have to start just having sex on camera for OnlyFans. That's it. That's it. No other option. Do that or work. Yeah, yeah. What would you rather do?

Have gay sex constantly or work? That's tough it's a question it's not organic it's not organic I mean there's not you know obviously there's nothing man on man love

is the most beautiful thing in the universe but this wouldn't be organic homosexual love yeah it'd be two guys reluctantly we'd be forced in homosexuality

by fucking capitalism dude it's so fucked up I hate capitalism. I hate capitalism that forced me into being a sex worker. Anyway, Starbucks is hiring, but I fucking capitalism. I'd be just another fucking dude with a master's and a fucking unusable degree doing sex work on camsites, dude. On the cams. Fuck.

Man. Could happen. That wouldn't be too bad. We'd write some fucking fire points. First off, number one's a hit. That's Man. Could happen. That wouldn't be too bad. We'd write some fucking fire points. First off, number one's a hit. That's what I'm saying. Guy who needs help to stop masturbating from his friend. His friend wrestles him immediately.

Like, on-site sprints in the room and wrestles him. Maybe an elbow drop to enter the bed. A frog splash dive. Content would be good. One of us could be, you know, I'd be dog boy for a little bit. You would dog boy out? Dog boy for sure. It's hot it's hot right now dude i'm just gonna do whatever's trending on netflix i'm gonna do fucking you know i'll lip sync lip sync donald trump i'm gonna lip sync donald trump i'll be dog boy don't fire me up you and i'll be having sex don't you dare fire

me content creators that's a good show hey listeners if you like this you're gonna love sarah cooper's new smash hit on Netflix. That's pretty good. Now, that's what I call comedy. Well, first of all, dude, that's a serious skill set. Lip syncing? Lip syncing people talking to? Come on.

Yeah, it's weird to have taken a thing that was kind of funny. Her lip syncing Donald Trump on TikTok. Kind of funny. Yeah. And then just being like, let's make a whole industry out of this one shitty bit. And that's all. It's wild. It's crazy.

No, it's just a lemon. They see a thing gaining some sort of critical mass. And then like these people in the industry just go to a human being and just squeeze a bunch of money out of them. And then they're like, all right. And they're like, yeah, we're going to put you in way over your head. And a lot of people are probably going to hate you. But we're going to toss you on. We're going to give you a yeah, we're going to put you in way over your head. And a lot of people are probably going to hate you. But we're going to toss you on. We're going to give you a special. We're going to have you speak at the Democratic Convention.

Yeah. I mean, there's no, like, you know, long-term plot. It's just kind of like. But here's the thing that's tough about her. So Sarah Cooper's the lady who does the Trump impressions on TikTok. They are funny. But all you have to do is close your eyes. Not watch her do the imitation. And it's still funny. Because it's just Donald Trump saying wild TikTok. They are funny. But all you have to do is close your eyes, not watch her do the imitation,

and it's still funny because it's just Donald Trump saying wild shit. Yeah. So it does hold up by itself. Exactly, yeah. You don't even need her imitating it. You can look away, and you'll get the same enjoyment.

Well, to be fair, originally I didn't know that's who it was, so when I was watching a little bit of it, and I saw them lip syn syncing some like political speech. I'm like, oh, they're stealing this lady's. Oh, it turned out it was. It was just her. Just lip syncing stuff.

Fun times. Also, too, you know, not even like, you know, whatever. Someone gave me money to, you know, watch me sit in my basement and decarboxylate fucking weed or whatever I do. You know, I'd be like, sweet. Yeah. Yes. But it's also like it's not even her. It's like that's the, you know, TikTokification of like Netflix.

Like, what else are we doing? Like, 10-second videos are pretty cool. Like, what are they about? It's like people lip syncing. It's like more people watching. Get her on. She's hosting Kimmel this week. Nice.

Yeah. This is wild, dude. Yeah, it's just how it goes, man. Because it really doesn't have to do with, you know, people are like, what the fuck? Why would that go on? You know, if there's people doing stand-up for 20 years, it's not it's just how it goes man because it really doesn't have to do with you know people like what the fuck why why would that go on you know if there's people doing stand-up for 20 years you can get it's it's not about that dude it's just about some guy knows someone at netflix they know for sure they can sell it and that's going to be whatever it is and they just go cha-ching and they just you know just steer people right through with yeah so it's like you know it's what

it is yeah bro so then we watched some good stand-up we watched a little nate some bar got some nate bar gotsy he's the man the the goat yeah he's pretty he's one of them yeah he's one then we watched some good standout we watched a little Nate some Nate Bargatze he's the man the goat yeah he's pretty funny he's one of them yeah he's one of the goats

true G he's pretty cool it was nice hanging out on a tour bus what did you think of that that was cool I've never been on a tour bus in my life

never had to either it was cool or I've never been on one either it was fucking weird man it was cool you know you like sit there and there's a television screen

it's funny they figured out problems on that bus they have like a tv across from another tv that way like nobody has like the shitty seat yeah i was like seeing i was like that's pretty cool although dumping that was cramped quarters for dumping you're not allowed to dump on the bus i did like the idea of being trapped in a like a bus and having no other thing to do other than play video games i I was like, that's pretty sweet. Yeah. Like, oh, we had an eight-hour drive.

There's nothing I can do. All we can do is play video games. It's like, that's a kind of like a, I like that. Yeah. I just want to be trapped. I just want to be dominated by my circumstances in the gaming. I want to be stuck. Remember the UFC fight?

It was a jacked mom. It was a mature natural versus clearly just a stepson. And we were like, dude, one of them is going to get stuck in the cage. Who were the fighters? I forget.

The girl was not Kazakhstan. Oh, she was from Uzbekistan. Something Murphy. The lady's name was Murphy. Murphy versus Uzbekistani. Yeah, but look it up. Look up the Murphy card.

Dude, I swear to God, that was the, it was a lady. First of all, the first UFC lady with big tits. It was a professional masseuse, dude. It was the pro. Dude. Yeah, but look up the Murphy card. Dude, I swear to God, that was the – it was a lady. First of all, the first UFC lady with big tits. It was a professional masseuse, dude. It was the pro. Dude.

Yeah. So before – sorry. We're right now. We've both become unstuck in time. This is an absolute time warp. But so before we leave the trip because we started after the trip, so, you know, pay attention to that. Try to follow if you can, dude. I didn't follow.

What the fuck are you talking about? Well, we're jumping timelines. Okay. What the fuck are you talking about? We're jumping timelines. Okay. So now we're back to before the trip. I just want to make sure we're chronologically recovering. Oh, okay. So before we left to go, I'm about to hop on a train to go to New York so we can fly out of New York.

One of my boys, I'm not going to tell who it is, texts me. The boy. Literally every story. He's the man. It's just that dude. He's so fucking. We refer to him as that dude. One of the funniest fucking dudes without trying i swear to god when trying to he's also pretty fucking funny but so you know i haven't seen him in a while you know he's handling

some motherfucking business yeah he's off to his he's got business yeah he's trying yeah he's got business with tan too so you know i'm like oh shit i haven't talked i talked to him the day before i'm like you know i'm like you're doing great it's awesome so he hits me he's like he's like yo dude uh where are you i'm like you know my my phone's like low as fuck i'm about to get on this train i'm like kind of stressed i'm like fuck so i'm like what's up dude and he's like yo dude big favor man i'm in i'm in a jam i'm kind of late for like a family fun you know he had to go do something and uh it's like a family function he's gonna wait you know it's five or something pissed off he's like my fucking car doesn't work he's like i'm up in the city right now like what are you doing up here he's like i'm late you know it's five minutes we pissed off he's like my fucking car doesn't work he's like i'm up in the city right now like what are you doing up here he's

like i just got a professional massage i'm like a what and i'm like i'm around people i'm in 30th street station so i can't be like you got the fucking wishy-wash so i'm like are you at the uh you got the the wash like real quiet and he's like the what i'm like the wish the wish the wish and he's like what are you at the fucking wishy-washy and he was like no dude no this lady's a professional masseuse I mean

she's an escort but I mean yeah so I had to get him like a fucking $60 Uber so he spent he needed money

for the Uber because he spent all his money with the masseuse he blew his load a professional masseuse professional masseuse he went and got a professional

massage first of all he's like Matt she's a professional masseuse I'm not gonna fucking pass yeah. A professional masseuse. Professional masseuse. He went and got a professional massage, first of all. He's like, Matt, she's a professional masseuse. I'm not going to fucking pass this up. She's a pro. It's so funny the way he was like, I just got a professional massage. Is there ever any need to specify?

Yeah. Like, I'm getting a massage today. It would be like it was a professional massage. Yeah, it was a pro. This wasn't no amateur. So he actually made me very happy. Honestly, I was like, I am absolutely going to transport you where you need to be.

I don't want this jamming you up. So he actually, you know, he's like, I'm going to pay you back. It's so sick to go into a thing with no plan for next. Like to just be like, step one, professional massage. Step two, we're going to start making phone calls. Try to get out of this. I'm going to start making some phone calls. We're going to start moving money around. I need to be somewhere.

I do think it was at one of those unemployment cards. Oh, he thought he had more. He had his last. And he's like, I'm obviously going to get a professional massage with this. And this one probably has. This should kick in by the time I need it. And then he tried to swipe it. It was like, eh.

He's like, fuck. Oh, man. I wonder if the professional masseuse got paid. That could have been a fucking, you know. I think they must. They have to. That could have been a common run. Like, what is that called?

Like, four square? Or what's that thing called? It's like the mobile credit card swipe? Oh, you think they get paid pre? They have to get paid pre. It'll tell you right away you right away but if your card i wonder if you went to a professional masseuse and you were just kind of like they must make you pay up front i believe they have to because every positive if you're going to professional masseuses you're also the type of guy who would take off true and run yeah i would say it's about 10%. Post-nut? Yeah. What a feeling that must be, just running down a street,

having just come and ripped off a fucking masseuse. Oh, that must be crazy. I mean, it's got to be tough. You'll get stabbed very quickly. Oh, yeah. Some actually, a city worker just shot a sex worker. Male sex worker. A city worker?

A city employee who worked for the DA's office. Just, you know, the official story is... Sounds like he was getting a professional massage. The official, well, that's what I'm thinking. The official story, and I don't want to besmirch this man, but the official story is just... You better not. There was a DA worker, a guy who worked in the DA's office,

and there was a male sex worker who was absolutely a hero. Could have happened to anybody. Absolutely a hero. His Patreon failed. I think they were living in the same vicinity. And the male sex worker was like, Halt, I'm robbing... He started to rob him.

I guess the guy was wearing... Why would he say it like that? I don't know. He's a male sex worker. So, obviously, he's refined. How do you think he said it? Halt. I thought he was like, halt.

Well, I mean, I think what happened was the DA employee saw a guy. I think he was either wearing an Indian headrest or a construction vest or a police uniform. It was a village person. I don't know how male sex workers dress, dude. I'm pretty sure it's one of four options. Village, yes. Construction worker.

Village. It was just so funny to have a DA guy be threatened by a male sex worker, and then he shot the guy, killed him, and the city was like, we looked into it. Yeah, it's legit. The guy was clearly getting robbed by a male prostitute. What does the guy's profession have anything to do with it? It was just weird. It was weird that it was a guy who worked in the DA's office just happened upon a burglar, like a male sex worker who was out i guess was like i

guess i'll try strong arm robbery today sick of sucking dicks damn that's a tough one well that makes perfect sense what you're saying true i'm sick of sucking dicks oh were you just saying someone canceled his patreon yeah his patreon failed he was like fuck dude i almost mind if men see it i was like i'm pretty sure i thought of this i'm gonna steal this right now he was like fuck dude i was mind of mencia and i was like i'm pretty sure i thought of this i'm gonna steal this right now i was like oh that's funny i'm like i think shane just said that i was mind of mencia it was like nah that's mine damn i just watched mind of mencia last night how is it not the show the fucking uh the showtimes thing on the the comedy store fire they're covering rogues saint rogues oh him smiting the devil dude true that's the archangel

saint rogues he sent he sent mencia to hell dude that was pretty wild man that was he got on stage They're covering Rogies, St. Rogies. Oh, him. Smiting the devil, dude. True. That was the archangel St. Rogies. He sent Mancini to hell. Dude, that was pretty wild, man. That was. He got on stage. He was like, your real name's fucking Ned. Cut this shit out. Just crushed him.

It was brutal. How close was that to 8 Mile, the movie? That was 8 Mile. Was that like? That was absolutely 8 Mile. Because that's kind of an unfair thing. It's like, everybody from the comedy store, put your hands up. Yeah, put your hands up.

He's like, notice Ned's hands down. And everyone's like, everybody from the comedy store, put your hands up. He's like, notice Ned's hands down. And everyone's like, oh. Yeah, that was, I think. Ned took out a green card. Carlos Mencia took his green card out on stage. He was like, oh, I'm not Mexican. And he was like, is your name Ned or not? He's like, yeah, but.

He was like, oh. Yeah, it was great. Yeah, people. Louie's in that. What? Louie is in that. What? Louie is in the Comedy Store documentary. Showtime. The gods slowly return.

Oh, I thought you meant that video with Rogan. I was like, I thought it was just Bobby Kelly there. Ari, not Bobby Kelly. Wasn't Bobby Kelly in that? No, you're thinking Bobby Lee. Oh, my bad. Bobby Kelly. I was like, dude dude you're not even

Mexican dude I'm thinking Bobby Lee my bad yeah I thought I thought you were saying I mistook

two Asian comedians I was like god damn it no that's fine that's fine dude I would never call you out on that

thank you that's the last thing this podcast needs is more heat yeah fuck so you're watching the documentary

no that's all they had Louie in there yeah Louie was interviewed what did he talk about just talking about the store chilling

not really he's like oh this place is cool yeah anything any other questions for me no he did

he did his special there so that's why they're talking about but it was nice to see him in a show on show time true

you saw basically Lazarus just in a really it Showtime. True. You saw basically Lazarus. He's risen. It's possible. It is possible. I need help. I need to become the greatest comedian of all time

to then get one interview. Damn, there's just a dude in the hood right now who's like, some say there's powers to bring people back from the dead. You're young Anakin, dude.

I'm like, what is it? Tell me. Joe Rogan podcast somebody called Joe Rogan you need to be on Joe Rogan yeah the actually dude

I watched that Kanye interview with Joe Rogan oh my god dude I will say I'm excited he's in we both got into

Star Wars I keep saying we were having a lot of parallel thinking you and Kanye both got into Star Wars. I keep saying we were having a lot of parallel thinking. You and Kanye? Both got into Star Wars, the original Lucas prequels. Spade put me onto them, not going to lie.

But we just so happened to be watching them. The original Star Wars? Now we worked up to the original. It's crazy to give someone credit for putting you onto Star Wars. No, no. Well, I didn't know anything about the prequels. The prequels like the ones they just made? No, sort of. The Lucas films.

And then there was the ones post-Lucas that Disney did. Oh. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. So you're talking about like episode one? Yes. Clone Wars. Revenge of the Sith.

Exactly. Sith is shit, dude. Sith might be fucking track one. That's what Kanye was saying. Revenge of the Sith is track one. So I was, you know, I've been pretty pumped on Revenge of the Sith the last couple weeks.

I said Spade was the one who like specifically was like watch this movie. Oh, okay. So, yeah, not Star Wars in general. Yeah,

it's funny. It's like someone was like, yo, check out Star Wars. And you're like, I've never even heard of it. It's sick. So in that interview,

at one point, Kanye West just starts being like, dude, I've been watching Revenge of the Sith. It's like those three movies are like, dude, I've been watching Revenge of the Sith. Those three movies are so fucking good. I used to watch Revenge of the Sith. We used to go to my friend's house and watch. Dude, that was my Shrek.

I was my nephew going Shrek. They'd be like, what do you want to do? I'd be like, Revenge of the Sith. Shrek 1. Revenge of the Sith. Throw it on. I used to watch it nonstop. It rules.

You're not in bad company. Kanye said he's watched it at least 10 times. I think we should explain Shrek 1. Yeah. I've said it 90 times. I'm pushing it hard. It won't hurt, yeah. I need it to come out.

I need that to be a saying. You dropped a break, Rom. It's your nephew. Shrek 1, dude. Shrek 1. It's your nephew. If you ask my nephew what his favorite movie is or what he's watching at any time, he goes, Shrek 1.

He's mad that you asked him. He's dismissive. Do you like Shrek 1 or Shrek 2 which is your favorite Shrek 1 he like goes back to watching TV although you know

but in his also in his defense he does have taste I was like who do you like better Shrek or Donkey and he's like Donkey I was like damn

good call Shrek 1 is fucking sick Shrek 1 holds up and then also just being like Shrek 1 Shrek 1 before you even answer like what Shrek do you like better Shrek 1 is fucking sick. Shrek 1 holds up. And then also just being like, Shrek 1. Before you even answer, what Shrek do you like better?

Shrek 1. Yeah, I guess you got to see like a young, like a kid who's like almost two, like laying in a bed in the dark and be like, what are you watching? And just being like, Shrek 1. Sweet. What do you want to watch? Do you want to watch Cars? Do you want to watch something else? Put shrek one yeah fun times so now anything good is shrek one yeah that was the whole time

down in texas it's very fun so let's get serious so you're talking about so louis in this documentary yes that's big time shrek. Louie's Shrek. How long of a... They just just asked. I don't know. I was like half asleep and kind of drunk. Gotcha. Were you like kind of drunk?

Maybe I dreamed Louie. Maybe he's not in it. I'm just talking. That's your pink elephant? Yeah. You're just like, Louie's on showtime. The guy. Louie's back.

Showtime. It's a lighthouse. You know, I'm lost at sea, dude. I see a beacon of light. I'm like, yes. Yes. There's a chance out of this. It's also funny I see a beacon of light I'm like yes there's a chance out of this it's also funny too

you're in a drunk fevered state you're just kind of like oh god I feel like oh Louie it's like a fucking

mystical vision yeah he's there I'm happy when I see the guy you go back out like I saw Louie on show people like Shane he wasn't on show

I saw him I saw him on showtime it's about a special yeah yeah it's about a special yeah yeah it's coming around dude i'm telling you once they this is my prediction you know hold me to it i think the democrats will take power and then they'll cancel cancel culture in their own way they'll be like look guys this is getting ridiculous yeah that's my predict that's that's what i think's going to happen. That's just my prediction. I disagree.

You think so? I think it'll go on for a while. I think we've got another, we've got a couple years. We've got a long time. Yeah. Maybe a decade more of just nonstop fucking like, what? Perhaps. I don't know.

We'll see. Because here's the thing. If the Democrats win, the left if the democrats win the left won't consider that a victory the leftists like the people that are like hardcore fucking like yeah we'll vote for biden because he's better than trump but we need more than what he's doing people that won't say out loud they support law and order they will they refuse to yeah antifa is an idea law and order i'm not gonna say it yeah that like further than that like people that want the green new deal, shit like that. Yeah.

Dude, how about Biden saying he's going to shut down oil? Dude, I mean. And Trump was just like, ooh, repeat that? What did he say? That was fucking hilarious to just be like, that was big, everybody. Let's stop the debate. Repeat what you just said. People were like, yeah, we're going to stop doing oil and do all renewable energy. I'm like, fuck yeah, that's fucking sweet.

But it's like. Yeah, but it's just not feasible. That's what I'm saying. Exactly. It's the same thing with immigration. It's like, fuck yeah, that's fucking sweet. Yeah, but it's just not feasible. That's what I'm saying. Exactly. It's the same thing with immigration. It's like, we should let everybody. In my head, if you ask me, I'm like, yeah, we should just like, yeah, we shouldn't even let everybody in.

Let's let everybody in. It's like, that sounds good. That sounds great to me. But as I got older, I'm like, you see the videos about there's like billions of people who are starving. I mean, I've said this before, and it's like, it's just not feasible, dude. It's like having a party. It's like planning a wedding, and you're just kind of like, I should invite my whole neighborhood.

It's like planning a wedding and then all of a sudden like a bunch of Mexicans want to come. And you're like, no. Well, it's like even when you plan a wedding, there's like your own like people who might be attached to your family in some way. And you're like, the place only fits this many people. I only have this much money. And it's it's like well you should invite 300 more people and you're like that's economically completely infeasible you're fucked up and it's like how do i put this yeah exactly so you know true i'd be all for it i'm all i'm all down for it people like yo there's and the other thing too is like the fair thing to do would be like if you're if you were like

you know like 100 knock down the wall you should be would be like if you're if you were like you know like 100 knock down the wall you should be all right well you you have to like what is not foster but like what is it called when you when you like take in like a foreign exchange student host i think it's called a host you should have to host a foreign family that's totally fair i would be like all right that's cool if what if you're like yeah we should you know if you want to go like full bore against immigrant anti-immigrant any kind of immigration laws like you know no one's illegal it's like okay that's cool it's fine cool we won't do that uh but if here sign this little thing saying you can host a family that's all that's all i'm saying it's an interesting take yeah i think djt actually did

hit people really i think well he sent he was like all right you guys want to be uh safe haven states no problem yeah send anyone over we'll send everyone over to your guys' side. I liked watching the media pretend Trump didn't absolutely dominate that debate. Yeah. It was fun to watch immediately after them being like, well, that debate probably didn't sway anybody either way. And it's like, nah, dude, I watched it. That was a guy who could kind of think versus a guy who literally was just up there. It's a fair assessment. What? I mean, at the one point that actually was like. That was a guy who could kind of think versus a guy who literally was just up there. It's a fair assessment.

What? I mean, at the one point that actually was like – But he would make fun of him and Biden would be like, huh? It's kind of hard to watch. At the one point, my favorite play of Biden's, I think this probably will win him the election, is when he looks directly at the camera and goes, come on, guys. You know I love tools and hammers and belts in Delaware and Reading. Text 8442 to Democrats. Guys, you know what I love? Tools and hammers and belts in Delaware and Redding. Text 8442 to Democrats.

If there was ever like a tough part. I'm like, oh my God, he's speaking to me. If there's a tough part, he's like, yeah, I'm talking to the camera. You, you know me. Damn, and Trump ethered him on that. That was the part I was like, eee. Yeah, that was a rough one. It's like, you know what I love about the suburbs? Delaware.

Come on. Come on. Come on. And then Trump goes like, will you stop with that weird part? That's what won him the election in 2016. I mean, that's what he said. I paid all these guys. These guys are politicians.

I'm not. That's what he literally said during that. He was like. Here they are. Fucking. Oh, they're trying to shut me down. That is. This is vote stuff.

I guarantee it. What? Yeah, they won't even talk to their fucking they're afraid i had to take that they feared i tried taking another call last time same thing they're just people who call you who just don't answer the phone it's like yeah i don't even think that's a person no i don't even know what that what's happening what's going on sorry about that but yeah that was so that was the point in the debate when uh when trump got his he regained his little stability. Because the last debate, Trump sucked. Blew it. I would say he lost.

People will say he didn't. He was just so fucking annoying. And it was like, dude, this guy sucks. If you can't definitively beat him, that Biden in debate, you officially lost. Well, he just, I mean, he just needed to shut the fuck up. Yeah. So then they implemented that mute button. And it was like, oh shit shit trump's way better at this

when he's not allowed to just fucking scream the whole time he just wouldn't shut the fuck up yeah i mean think about this like if you had seen this is a this is a fair uh let's say a fair question that was like unthinkable during like when obama was running against whoever if obama was sorry i just started thought about you running in a room while i was jerking off it's like a mental patient getting like held down by like orderlies no no we're like an eagle city yeah imagine if obama was doing that like the whole time like uh uh uh oh dude he would have gotten fucking eviscerate for sure so that is a fair point it is although he would was he against hillary

yes like dude imagine the back when it was obama versus hillary this is my original point when it's obama versus hillary you know i just spit out like symphonies dude that's kind of almost you know did you see the kanye i was drunk and so i threw it on i was i was playing fifa and i put on spotify on my xbox one put it on i was playing the new fifa and so i just put on the rogan episode with kanye and it was like i was like am i fucking hammered i was like i I genuinely listened to it for like an hour. And I was like, I must be fucked up because I don't know what. If you're drunk, no, no, that's not your fault. And then I listened to it sober the next day like, all right, this was incoherent.

If you're drunk, it must be the most torturous thing. That was crazy. I watched it on a plane. I had total undivided attention. So I was like, I hear, you know, there's like an overarching larger point. There's an overarching,

I love when your elbows slip off. I hate this fucking chair, dude. You picked green. I gave you the option. That's because green is. I know, dude. Secretly, I wanted the green. But yeah, I watch it. Also, I'm very,

I'm really, really pulling for Kanye to not be like totally nuts. So I'm watching. Yeah, I remember. We had somewhat of a heated debate on this podcast. I had somewhat of a debate with Spud as well. Where I was like, no, Kanye is a fucking crazy dude. He is crazy.

He's a different thinker. I'm also, I'm not a full anti-psychiatrist, but I do... He's a different thinker? I think he's a little different thinker, dude. I mean, the thing that was disappointing... It's a funny way to describe retarded people. Come on. No way, dude. I don't mean it like that. A bunch of a different thinker, dude. I mean, the thing that was disappointing. It's a funny way to describe, like, retarded people. Come on. No way, dude.

I don't mean it like that. Bunch of a different thinker. Well, here's the thing you have to ask. You have to ask, is he legitimately a billionaire? Because that's a thing that really kind of, he's like, well, I'm a billionaire. And you're like, all right, that's the old rule. Like, people who are billionaires aren't crazy. They're just eccentric.

So it's like, pulling together that kind of, he does say he brings in $30 million a year. So it's like, is that a millionaire? Like, you know, to me, I'm like, how are you a billionaire? Yeah. But apparently, I think it's like if you add up all the assets, all this, all the stock, all this, blah, blah, blah. So it's like, all right, maybe so. But, yeah, he does – that whole thing kind of I did find a little bit annoying when he'd be like, that's just a symphony. It's like –

Yeah. It's scattered. I do that. It's got my scatterbrain. Well, it's just weird to hear like he's a self-proclaimed genius. Yeah, that's very annoying as well. And it's like you're a music producer that designed like Crocs for Adidas. Like –

True. He put people in like Matrix outfits, like torn up – Sweatpants, minimalist obviously. Torn up in Matrix outfits. Swept man. Swept man. Minimalist, obviously. Torn up future clothes. Yes. And Crocs. And was like, I'm a fucking genius. I'm Walt Disney.

Yeah. Shut up, dude. Well, that's the thing. I like his mission. I've never listened to any other music producer and been like, genius. Like, I'm never like DJ Khaled. Genius. Can I be fair? All disney did was draw a fucking

mouse music is harder than drawing a mouse okay yeah you think chingy's more talented than uh walt disney yeah disney hasn't done shit you're right other than control the entire united states he didn't do that bob eager does that well kanye's about to he's trying he He didn't do that. Bob Eager does that. Well, Kanye's about to. He's trying to do that. No, I hear what you're saying. That's a fair point. But there is that thing, too. My point is, you know... Wait, you're going to...

I don't know enough about Walt Disney, but I bet he did more than draw a mouse. He hated the Jews. I do remember that, which is kind of why I'm standing up for him. No, the mayor's point is not that it's just like you can almost break down anyone's thing into being like well what you're just doing this like yeah but he's comedic genius like well going around joking i would say comedic genius is fine yeah if you are

a comedic comedic it's subjective they're not saying i'm a genius that's true that that's one of the things that kind of is the rub with him is that he's constantly calling himself a genius. Like I remember watching like a fucking like MTV Cribs episode or something with him

and it was like a painting and he was like, this is how I see music. A lot of people hear it. I can see it. He sees call it. And it's just like, all right, dude.

Yeah. Take it easy. No, well, the thing that kind of. Go ahead. It's called synesthesia. It's a thing. Yeah, it's a thing. Yeah, sure. I have a little bit, but yeah, it is what it is. No, well, the thing that kind of... Go ahead. It's called synesthesia. It's a thing.

Yeah, it's a thing. Yeah, sure. I have it a little bit, but it is what it is. Yeah, I can see it. I can see the words come out of his mouth. I swear to God, I have a very low-grade form of synesthesia where if I stare at a thing, the world goes black and white. So it's the opposite.

All color vacates. It happened to me at church. You have dog eyes. I get dog eyes, dude. I literally do. I start to werewolf out. When I'd church i'd stare if i stared at the priest for long enough the priest would be in color everything else goes in black and white and i just go and eventually i like like that so it goes like schindler's list like the girl with the red

jacket yeah kind of that's all but it hasn't happened i haven't i haven't stored stared at a priest for a while so it hasn't happened but like dude they used to freak me out when i was in church when i was really yeah everything would go black and white i remember constantly being like fuck i might have to be a priest fuck yeah oh you thought like that was your calling that was your vocation because they told us the vocation is that fucks you up it's when you go to catholic school forever they explain what like the calling is that priests get you're a fucking kid you're sitting there like am i getting called that's like you literally still believe in santa and like all that shit and then they're like also god's magic and he's gonna tell

you when he wants you to work for him yep so you're like in your head you're like i'm special god would want me to work for him first grade yeah it's wild bugged me the fuck out yeah i remember just thinking i literally it went way too long before you Priest. You're like, that's just my thoughts. I'd be like, in first grade, like, I don't know. Fuck. I legitimately at that point was like, you know, if I'm being bad, God's watching me. At that point in my life, I was like, you know, first – being like a first, second, third grade Catholic school religion teacher must be awesome. Just hitting like first graders like – and then the bush was fire, and they're all just like, holy fuck.

Yeah, but I remember learning about it like it was just history. And I was just like, yeah, all right. So when you were a youngster. I remember learning about religion class. And I literally just took it, obviously, as the truth. I'd be learning about stories in the Bible, and I'd just be like, yeah, of course that happened. And then I think around like fifth grade you're like yeah virgin birth go on again obviously come on I have no idea what sex is

they're like and she was a virgin and we're all like nice sweet hot yeah that's pretty good and then yeah I think it was like fifth grade me and all my friends were together like you guys ever think like God's not real and they're like yes like all of us like at once like admitted to each other like yeah i'm pretty sure this is all bullshit right like yeah dude yeah i remember we were my friend andy's house we were behind the shed what are you guys doing back there on the fort building the swamp that was the name of the fort building the tower swamp we were building the swamp that's right dude i was uh They had me until about high school. High school teacher.

High school is when you hit it? Well, he just wrote God, Easter Bunny, Santa Claus. He wrote Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, God on the board, and I was just like, I can see that. Oh, really? Yeah, and a kid cried. It was actually sixth grade. Now that I think about it, because I was at St. Joe's.

Sixth grade. We were behind the... We had just stolen some parliament lights from his dad we were smoking some parliaments and we were like you know I think this is God things

bullshit right and everyone was like yeah I've been afraid to say it yeah that's a tough one to try to which was tough

because I had just gotten off of a very serious God kick I was like reading the Bible hold on I loved God so your religion

at first you were super religious and then I went Hicks as soon as I had a cigarette i was like god's not real put on a leather jacket if you're an advertising fucking kill yourself yeah the um this is texas legend bro true damn that's well i'm more fascinated about your religious period i had a strong religious period. I used to love it. You were very pious. Not in a bad way.

Very non-mystical. Very straightforward religious. I was a fucking traditional Catholic. Like a bishop. Like an old bishop. Yeah. God, that's so funny. I loved it.

I mean, dude, it is tight. If you can keep that alive long enough, being super religious. Sixth grade, I remember playing football and praying before plays. In my mind. Like sitting there praying before every single play. How good did you do? You probably did awesome. I was a Division I athlete eventually.

That's what I'm saying. Probably through the power of Christ. And then when I abandoned him in college, and look what happens. I fell apart. Now I'm just a fat. You've been smited. I have been smited. You'veited smited by our lord and savior i do need to come back to god back true dude maybe i should just become a christian comic

for sure except like a hardcore christian comic that's like violently anti-semitic not like a guy who does like you know fun bible jokes like a guy who's literally like muslims are going to hell yeah for sure we need to we need to cut their heads off like westboro light yes you could church up the westboro not like full westboro baptist have westboro baptist big dude chill yeah this guy's edgy you're gonna get us canceled i should only do specials at westboro for like the 12 family members that live there. It'd be a sick place to film a special.

Oh, dude. What's the difference between fags and Jews? Nothing. They're both in hell. Am I right, Westboro? Preach. God damn, this guy's good.

Oh my God, dude. That'd be so... I mean, you could probably get a couple... What was that other church down south? It was called... Fuck.

I talked about it before on here. It was like people were like going... Yeah, you told me about this. Yeah, it was like a full town. Like a KCC, KSE, or whatever the fuck it was called. But it was like people going back to like hardcore 50s trad cat values. Trad cat rules. Yeah, it's like no birth control, no this.

You can get excommunicated for real. Sick. You can probably tour down there a little bit. Yeah. Just like a hard life. I think I just got Auburn, Alabama date. I'll be heading down to Auburn. I'll be trying to find.

Just try it. Do like the Tradcats 5. I think the Tradcats aren't really well liked down south. Really? They don't really enjoy the Catholics as much. Really? Yeah. I'm going to have to go down there and give them what for what for i'm gonna bring down the bible you might have rain fucking fire

and brimstone on those fucking dumb southern pieces of shit you're basically going doing missionary work so this was sorry now my i'm so this is the uh the thing i liked about the interview is that i i like where he's going. New traditional regime or new religion regime of being like, you know, we're all going to get super religious. Okay. Did you hear his idea of having a 30,000 person, not religious like that, but like 30,000 person stadium? Stadium singing gospel music?

Having people, I mean, the ideas are fantastic. How good is our God? Yeah, it's pretty sick. I was like that kind of fucking rules yeah his idea of kind of like cutting through like material culture and like we got to learn how to start like growing shit we got to start doing this all that stuff i'm like this fucking stuff is sick yeah but then again the problem is you're hearing these ideas and you're like this is sick and then like the thing that i found disappointing was that like

rogan would ask him straightforward questions like how do you structure your day and he would just be like you know a funny thing about me being a genius and it'll just like go off on a thing i'm like god damn it man i'm pulling for you yeah i'm pulling for you to be like he just names different ceos he just names different like business moguls that i've never i don't know them he just talks about it. He just throws their name out. Jack. You have no idea.

No, he's not talking Jack Dorsey. He's not Jack. No, but he'll just be some random name, and he'll be like, over at Gianchi, or some fucking thing. When he says, look, when I was with Gestalt Seclair, and he saw my sweatpants, and he was like, oh. Yeah, dude. Look, I will say, have you retracted some of your statements on Ye?

Because after seeing that interview, I think I stand correct. Well, not stand corrected. That would be wrong, right? I stand correct. You stand on firmer ground than before. That when I said he was... He seems kind of just like a bit of a loon.

Yeah, I mean, again, I... He's great. I like his music. I love his music. No, no. And I'm cheering for him, and I like to see him do well. It makes me happy. It makes me laugh when he does well.

Me too. But... The thing that I'm... I think... This is where I'm hung up on him. Yeah, the things you watch, you're like, God, this is so disappointing. Like, I hate...

Just hearing someone refer to themselves as a genius is weird. Not being able to answer straightforward straightforward and it didn't look like he like was evading like he didn't want to but he'll just like how do you structure your day and he'll just start going but i think he's on this thing where like whatever comes to his mind he has to say because he's in like pretty serious communications with god in his head he's like you know he's like i said god make me never feel pain my mom died right after so this dude's pretty convinced that like you know he's on like some like old testament prophet level yeah which is i'm like that's cool i kind of do enjoy that damn you're gonna love fucking uh good lord bird oh yeah you're gonna love it dude that's exactly what it is i kind

of enjoy that it's fucking uh john brown just completely like i I'm here from God. Yeah. And just wiling. It is exciting for him to watch that. You know, for a guy to go out and be like, you know, maybe we shouldn't, like when he calls like abortion culture, like we shouldn't like totally be celebrating that. In my head I'm like, all right, that's kind of sweet. Yeah. But, yeah, again, when you watch a dude, you're like,

is this guy just ignoring the question on purpose? Is he not? It was tough. I was pulling for him and I was like, I do get the overarching thing he's trying to say for the most part but it was just kind of like yeah yeah that was that was a sigh on the plane i was just i'll tell you what i didn't like about it what i didn't like about it was lemare lemare defending him what just now that's what i didn't like about

the kanye interview well i think lemare being like I think he's a genius do you think well then if you think he's a genius who else is a genius in music that like if that's what you're saying because if you're if maybe we just have different standards for genius because if he's a Bieber's a genius no Bieber's not a genius so you have to produce to be a genius you have to produce so DJ Khaled but he doesn't genius he doesn't rap that much stuff. So you have to produce to be a genius. You have to produce. So DJ Khaled. But he doesn't rap or anything. He can sometimes. He did once. He's got one hot bar. Yeah.

So you need to produce a rapper. You got to do everything. There's nothing he can't not do. Well, no. He can't do a podcast. Cannon's class was pretty lit. No, I hear you well he can't speak he again i was watching it being like you know i was following it i'm rooting for the guy

i know a lot of it i was kind of like it was that it was a little more discombobulated than i'd hope for and then you know when especially when they started being like here's another symphony for you it's like dude it's called not knowing what you're talking about i'm the king of it i do it all the time yeah it's like you know when you just speak all disorganized and be like nah dude that's just like who says i can't talk about one topic at once it's like you can talk about as many topics as you want but for like functional coherence and understanding we tend to try to speak linearly like we all can understand it helps um so yeah it does kind of suck, you know. But, again, it's like the thing that I find encouraging is that he'll be like,

he says he checks his own ego. He uses God now instead of having to fuel everything through his own, fueling his whole, like, things through his ego and all of his actions. He's like, seems like he's on a different type of path. So I'm kind of excited. That's cool. Genuinely, I'm excited. And Jesus is King ruled. The music he makes is great.

The last couple songs he came out with are awesome yeah and in terms of being a genius yeah I think lyrically

not a genius at all no lyrically he is pretty bad he's crafty there's songs like the one fucking

Father whatever it's like it's the most beautiful music ever and then he comes on he's like if I fuck this model and she just bleach her asshole and i get bleach on my t-shirt i'm gonna feel like an asshole yeah

and people like yeah true genius well it's like no that's a retarded guy screaming over an incredible beat that he made beautiful beat it's tough i mean i don't think people are supposed to be called geniuses until after they're dead. Because, you know, because it's kind of one of those things where it's like... Or the boss. True. Excuse me. You know, because it's like, you know, I would say Louis is a genius stand-up comedian. At comedy, yeah.

Yeah. So it's like, you know, but I'm not... If I were that into music, you know, if I were... I'd have more of a different radar for, like, who's a genius. I think that was a little marriageable. Yeah. But, yeah, the Kanye thing, I was torn. I, like, enjoyed watching it.

I'm glad he got the spins. Glad Rogan was kind of like – I mean, that's the other thing, too. Like, the guy's kind of weird, but, like, that's the thing. If you're that weird and you're also making, you know, say $30 million a year and all this other stuff, you know, given all that's true, it's like, should someone be medicated? That was the big question Rogan kept trying to get answered. Like, should you be medicated that was the big question rogan kept trying to get answered like should you be medicated out of that so you know but i the one

thing i don't think he should be medic well i don't know no i know it did sound like a lot of people did want to help him out when he was wiling yeah for sure the thing i get caught up on i'm a utopianist so i i get and dude it's a fool's errand. It's an absolute fool's errand. That's like what the commies want. You're like a commie. In some ways. You're a Cali boy. You're a Cali boy. I'm more of a Texan.

True, true. I'm a utopianist. But, dude, that book, The Denial of Death, I just finished it. I finally finished it today. He basically knocked some sense into me. He talks about utopianists and how it's like, you know, we're basically dealing with billions of years of just,

I think they say like, like fibrous material being munched between molars, flesh being eaten and excreted with foul, with gases most foul or the stench most foul. It's basically like

billions of years. When was this book written? I think in the 70s maybe. Okay. 60s, 50s. It was written old enough to be like homosexuals or perverts. Yeah, that was great. That clip you sent me. And it won a Pulitzer. About our enemies? Yeah, maybe. 60s, 50s. It was written old enough to be like homosexuals or perverts. Yeah, that was great.

That clip you sent me. And it won a Pulitzer. About our enemies? Yeah, so it did. It has that kind of language. Turns out all of our enemies are... Perverts. Sex perverts.

But it talked about utopianists. I was like, dude, if you really look at what's going on, we're part of a process of just life. That's just like, not even like you're like my life, whether whether it's good or my life just yeah exactly not even my just being like there's this life force within your life dude it's now or never true well that's that's the you know that's the old like copy of a copy that we've gotten to but he's talking about like there was your cells that like inhibit it inhabit it like fucking like unlivable gases that were like and like squeezed through that into like fish eventually that were in like the pre unlivable gases that were like and like squeezed through that into like

fish eventually that were in like the prehistoric ocean that just eating each other shitting each other out and then eventually there was like you know dinosaurs if you believe in that woolly mammoths humanoids and then so there's like this pulse forward of just like uh limitless expansion life you know whatever dominating your environment and now we're humans and we're self-aware. And it's like, so the whole point is if you're, sorry, it's a symphony. But the whole point is if you build a utopia, there's that life force within us that's, you know,

we've inherited from billions of years of evolution that someone's going to try to be like, and like just win the whole thing in a quarter. And it's like, you can't, there's no way around it. So there's like your life, quote unquote, like my there's no way around it so there's like your life quote unquote like my life's good or bad but there's like

a real life force inside of all of us that's just like like propelling us towards shit and it's like it's kind of I think that's the

Genesis idea like here's paradise oops here's a snake unavoidable you can't get out of it so that's that's you know that's when Kanye

starts doing his utopia stuff that's how I get hooked into it that's the whole point I'm like yes and then you know obviously read the denial of death and it's like i need to be more stoic dude true that's all you can do in the face of this that's that's the end of the book stoicism

again it really is our you know what you've said before whatever the last thing we read we're like this this is obviously how we feel well it's track one every time it is dude and that's that's what that was kind of the whole point of it it was just like dude we're dealing with a horrible terrifying scary shitty reality and anything that makes you feel good about that we don't even know why we're here or why there is life so like the only way it can be dealt with he was saying the only way it can be contained is some like a rational kind of belief system which to some level whether we're like the biggest science head being like no man's going to cure all of our own problems and everything's just another version of like that whole like salvation thing so pretty cool yeah it is cool

pretty good yeah i can't add too much the book's fucking the book's sick but that was that was sorry that was the thing from kanye of like i was rooting for him so hard that his thing of like you know we're gonna totally redo the way we do everything which i'm like yeah that's fucking rules but you know i think that was in a buchowski book where he was like i'm looking at the ocean and being like everything's in there just eating and fucking and shitting kind of the exact same yeah that's all life is just taking craps that's or but you know what you gotta do crap is making me laugh taking a crap i was like i'm gonna get the bills i'm a crap what do you mean on your crap no just saying i'm gonna crap oh no it's hilarious about the crap tell them something like i gotta take a crap take a crap if a girl comes back from the bathroom

be like what are you taking a crap crap's a good one see i'm excited for a massive overhaul of how i'm a comedic genius dude i'm a genius same there i mean knowing that crap is funny knowing that crap is funny shit is there i would say there's genius there dump out dump out was track one for a minute the crap is so funny crap's currently struck oh i'm gonna crap my pants sorry sorry i'm late everybody had to crap i just had to crap a rest stop in new jersey sorry i'm late or just had to crap a rest stop in New Jersey. Pardon me. Sorry I'm late. Or just go to the doctor with a hemorrhoid and be like, well, I was taking a crap the other day. I started noticing some lower abdominal pains while I was crapping. Doctor, I had just taken a crap when I noticed.

I always thought crap was more of a scattered stuff. If you need a stool sample, just be like, yeah, if you could just bring in some when I noticed. I always thought crap was more of a scatter. If you need a stool sample, just be like, yeah, if you could just bring in some of your crap. Bring in some of your dog's crap. I'm going to pee.

You have to tangle? Yeah. Also, I do think, I think genius is in the eye of the beholder. I think that's, look man,

because dude, imagine like, there was probably people who watched all that and were like genius I don't know I don't think anyone

first of all again my nephew does watch Shrek 1 with pure like genius he was like oh my god Shrek 1 was genius

I've re-watched Shrek 1 I've watched it fucking 30 times anytime I'm home Shrek 1's on well imagine you're a little it's like a sports bar in my house

like there's like 12 TVs and it's all Shrek 1. It's fucking crazy in there. There's Miller Lite and 12 TVs. Dude, imagine the classic three-act structure for a kid, how it's always like, oh, my God, this guy I'm fully pulling for is about to lose. All the cards are stacked against him.

The deck's stacked against this guy. And you're like, have I invested two hours into a total trend? Like, is Shrek going to fucking die? Is Shrek not going to get his son? And then Shrek's victorious, and you're just like, Shrek won! Shrek won! It must be like betting $100,000 on the Super Bowl. Dude, and also, the donkey gets just raped by a dragon in the middle of it.

Just viciously raped by a dragon. Does he really? Yes. Just fucks him. The dragon fucks the donkey. They have kids. What? Well, the donkey fucks the dragon.

It's a female dragon. Donkey gets up in it. Oh, but the donkey. They have kids. What? Well, the donkey fucks the dragon. It's a female dragon. Donkey gets up in it. Oh, but the female dragon has her way. Has her way with him. Nice. That might be why Shrek won. Shrek won, dude. Shrek won.

It's hot as fuck. I almost said his name. Maybe he's just getting fired up, dude. Dude, that's hot as fuck. Dude, did you see the new Shia LaBeouf video? No. He's in a music video. Very NSFW. Really? Shia LaBeouf video? No. He's in a music video. Very NSFW.

Really? Shia LaBeouf is... So the video is like... So he's Shia LaBeouf for 100%. LaBeouf? LaBeouf fucking rules, dude. He did the... You see the Fast Times read where he got super stoned?

Yes, that was great. I could have sworn he was on something. He was fucked up. Yeah. But he might have been drunk too, but that was pretty funny. But he's in this music video. It's like, they're just right off the bat,

they're naked in a bed. You see boobs. Yeah, you see boobs. Is this a YouTube video? It was on Vimeo. Fuck Vimeo, dude. They gave us shit for inappropriate content. How the fuck did you know?

Vimeo did? Yeah, I'm pretty sure they- But we're not artistes. True. LaBouffe might be a genius. Also, I think you're allowed... He showed Flaccid Dong, which... Oh, I've seen this video.

This is an old video. What? Yeah, this is old. Where he's... They're going like... Unless he's got a new Dong video. They're going like this? Yeah.

And like, she goes under the sink? Yeah. That's old? Yeah. It was on Google News today. What the fuck's Google News doing? Really? Well, then this is the second Flaccid Dong music video he's been in.

Pleased to announce me and Shia LaBeouf, Flaccid Dong brothers. Oh, you guys have similar flaccids? He's a reggie. He's a reggie. Dude, how about people trying to act like Hunter Biden's dong is normal? What's up with it? Biden's got a piece. I didn't see.

Oh, you saw the flaccid. Hunter's got a flaccid dong, dude. Yeah, he's no artist like me and Shia LaBeouf, dude. No, he's got a plump dong. We have a fucking perfect artist dong, dude. He's got a plump dong. That he's no artist He's no artist like me And Shia LaBeouf dude No he's got a plump dong He's got a fucking Perfect artist dong dude He's got a plump dong That's why he's taking

The easy way out You have a flaccid A flaccid teen True Teenist You'd be like this Yeah if you're a flaccid teenist dude You're in the art video

Just Oh yeah Dude the video's so fucking funny Just then I'm like Are they about to have sex or not And eventually they just go Are they like crying in it Is it crying Maybe I'm thinking Of a different video Has have sex or not? And eventually they just go. Are they like crying in it? Is it crying?

Maybe I'm thinking of a different video. Has he done two Flaccid Dong videos? You're thinking of a different video? This video came out like five days ago. Okay. There should be an older. Call me like you hate me. I believe there's an older Shia LaBeouf music video.

It might be. Oh, I'm sure there is, dude. True. I'm sure this isn't the first time. Dude, it's very tasty. You remember the art exhibit he did? When was that? he just sat in a room and you could come in and do whatever you want he said a chick raped him what yeah yeah yeah he like sat in a room with like a paper bag over his head or something it was like an art exhibit uh he's he's into like high art

also though you know he's dangling that that penis out there and saying hey come get me can't be showing that penis girls girls love that the greeks knew it the one thing that girls one weakness is a flaccid penis dude then we'll fully bow to that yeah that's fucking crazy they know that's a man that's gonna work dude first of all that's a good that's a good uh that's the whole civilization that all those paintings were just showing like penises are in charge dude please yeah i mean first off it's not even like a up for debate teenesses just are in charge it has to they have to be i mean dude hunter biden has a donger what happens when donger gets in control he's getting a foot crack

crack foot jobs crack foot jobs dude you need a teenist if that's a god-fearing penis you're gonna stay away from amphetamines you You've already got a fucking teenist. The last thing you need is speed. No, thank you. Yeah, pardon me. No, I can't. What does this thing do? No, thank you.

Shrinks your penis even more. Adderall Bird's wicked, dude. Adderall Bird is... I'll take Adderall sometimes and go to a rest stop or something when I'm driving. I'll be like, oh my God, I forgot. First off, I forgot I did this. I shrank my bird. It's wild. stop or something when i'm driving take my like i'll be like oh my god i forgot it first off i forgot it did this i shrank my it's like wild oh it's dude adderall t-misses you know it's otherworldly it's i've never seen anything like it's a penis time machine it is it takes you back

to your travel back to grace i can't thinking of my nephew watching track one and getting like that invested into it. Dude, I'm telling you. It must be like the first six movies until you're like, I'm sensing a pattern here. And then fucking Smash Mouth comes on. It's just like, hey now, you're an all-star. You're just like. That might be where sports betting has its allure.

Because you get to fully watch a thing again and be like, oh, my God. Oh, am I victorious? Yeah, exactly. Except sports betting is very dark. That's what I'm saying. You lose. I know. You lose.

You're just like, I'm a fucking idiot. Why am I even betting on this? When you win, you get that first fucking. You get absolute track one. You're poor. Whatever the first movie is you watch. Dude, I watched Willy Wonka, dude. And I cried and shut it off.

I'm like, they're lost in a tunnel. He's fucking spinning. Oh, you couldn't get through it. No, I fucking. My mom was like, yeah, I I cried and shut it off. I'm like, they're lost in a tunnel. He's fucking spinning. Oh, you couldn't get through it? No, I fucking, my mom was like, yeah, I didn't make it through that. Well, the tunnel scene was terrible. Yeah, it was very scary.

It scared the shit out of me. I'm like, all right, it's a movie about candy. This is pretty tight. Little kid, no one thought he'd make it to the factory. He's there, and Willy Wonka's just like,

what do you even know? What's real and what's fake? Yeah, we got fucked up once. Shut this shit the fuck up. You got that. I got fucking, the rap Watership Down, which was like a cartoon rabbit. real and what's fit and i was yeah we got fucked up you got that i got fucking uh the rap watership down which was like a cartoon rabbit i think i've talked about you show me that that was watership down was not it was like british 1950s 40s like cartoon all they did

was fuck you like they had just survived world war ii and they were all like fucked up weirdos well making like videos of like death i think yeah i think you must be used to your family dying here here's a cartoon rabbit i think back then in britain they would like as soon as you were born they would just like put you in like a shitty like matilda school like they were like they found out that like that fucked up a group of kids by putting just taking kids yeah yeah anytime like you listen to pink floyd it's like what are these guys complaining about school yeah that's what nuns were about yeah nuns you just have nuns you're like oh sweet here thank nuns are just babysitters yeah god was like baby just

lesbians that beat the shit out of your kids true god sent down a bunch of thick lesbians a bunch of lesbos to crack your kids for also just slap your kid in the face for a cursive let's time out here. Imagine being a priest, right? We're not even timing out. Imagine you're a young priest and you're like, all right, man. Let's take a quick T.O. T.O., quick T.O.

You're a quick priest. You see a hot nun. In your head, you're like, I'm definitely going to fuck this. Like, there's no other dudes in our world. We're just going to hang. We're going to parade. Like, definitely going to smash. It has to happen.

Yeah, for sure. Dude, you're going to parade. Like, definitely going to smash. It has to happen. Yeah, for sure. Dude, you're with people who are like, like, cannot allow to have sex. So you are a gay man. There's a couple of them. There's a couple of people who aren't gay. I've known people who are. Some that aren't gay,

but they do their best to get rid of those guys. You know how catty gay men are? So, no, dude. Think of being like a group of gay priests, and then there's one straight dude that's like, you guys going to watch the game later? And they're like... No, I think these are alpha gay dudes.

They are all pretending to be alpha gay dudes. They're like, I love sports. Look at my CD collection. Look at all these cool Frisbees. Kids, you want to come hang out? Look at all this cool stuff I do. Yeah, I've heard there's there are dudes who are uh like super hetero but they typically have girlfriends or like frequent professional

massages like pretty priest oh yeah dude they get professional massages oh yeah bro really oh yeah i mean dude i'm telling you i mean of course you're imagine being single for fucking 30 years sorry sorry he was giving you ass JK JK JK he gave you the look that Noah's dad gave him when he caught him

jerking off Shane's like yeah right Noah's dad opened the door he was like yeah well Dorian opened the door and came he opened the door

and went yeah Dorian did you guys come at he opened the door and went yeah Dorian did you guys come at the same time were you like one two three no you did not

ejaculate at the same time he left that's just tour life dude you guys are on tour sure dude I did finish were you guys taking turns playing

were you guys after he left yeah when he was going he was like I'm gonna take a walk I was like well he's providing me more time so I was like I'm gonna take a walk I was like well he's providing me more time

I thought you guys were taking turns playing like groupie like one would be groupie the other one would be true do you guys ever role play yeah

alright I'm the comedy I'm the king of comedy and you're the groupie you're like I'm the headliner oh wait I mean let's not get crazy here

I'm the feature alright I'll play middle this time I'm sorry I'm'm dude yo that's just comedy big dog and i know i'm just big dog for real it's like all right i'm gonna play the feature and you're gonna play the unstable 40 year old lady who just got divorced who has like some weird you're gonna play the blacked out 40 year old woman you're gonna play the black you're gonna give me a ride from the club yeah in your shitty car you're gonna play a lady who

shouldn't be drinking on antidepressants. All right, go ahead. And I can't get hard. Perfect. That's how it goes. That's the road, baby. Oh, my God. Where are we at?

We should go on a page. By the way, before we go on a page, it's going to be very spooky. I'm going to tell you some several. I have a spooky topic too. Unsolved spooky mysteries. Yeah. We're going to find, this is going to be our Matt Shane's first spooky episode. What really happened

to Hitler's lovers? Did you ever hear about that? No. What? Averbron? You'll find out. Or more of multiple bays. He had a couple of them.

He's a concubine. He had a couple of them. Hitler gets a, he gets a pretty bad rap. He has a couple of just kidding just kidding i'm on his case he i don't know i mean how funny is that fucking video dude i've always hated the all the hitler facts yeah there's always like people who like talk about history like through like it's like you know he uh he had i don't know it's always just facts about him it's like his

farts stunk he was It's always things like that. They probably did. Well, no. It's just too much. Well, you're saying people go too hard on Hitler. I'm not saying they go too hard. I'm saying they always give you these random. True.

Totally meaningless facts about him. I think he wrote a lot, though. I think he left a lot. I think he had intimate diaries. And he had an inner circle. Yeah, dude. The guy was an artiste. I mean, I know he had an inner circle.

So he probably wrote diaries. Back then. He was telling them all? Back then. Big asterisk. Big asterisk here. Great men. Or men who were of global importance.

Great in the term of magnitude. I'm affecting world history. Guys that were pretty aware they're affecting world history tend to keep journals of some sort. But again, I'm just going off the fact that I have Hitler facts. You think anyone's journaling is like, man, my farts fucking stunk today. You could have been like, dude. I can't believe how bad my farts were. I know that I'm affecting the world and that this document's going to be important.

My farts keep stinking. You think that was his moment? I have chlamydia again. I'm gay. That's one that circulates. You think that was his moment. I have chlamydia again. I'm gay. That's one that circulates. You think that was his fucking big thing? He farted under the blankets? It was like, oh, oh.

It's like, wait a second here. Sorry, guys. Would you go to the page? I knew that was coming. That's junk, dude. That's not what we do here. I apologize. That's a joke.

I want to apologize to everybody listening on behalf of my friend fucking Matt, my former friend, now that he said that. That's a joke. That's a funny, that's anti-Hitler, dude. That's a very funny joke. Anti-Hitler, dude, come on. That Hitler came up with the gas chambers by Dutch ovening himself. That's a great guess.

All the time, too, a lot of Holocaust, and I was like, if you ever had metrazine or whatever it was called it would explode it was like maybe he was just flatulence enough it was just his fart

alright sorry sorry I don't want to give those people a platform you don't want to give them a platform but yeah I immediately take back

Hitler Hitler did not smell his own farts the gas chambers were engineered he did smell his own farts had nothing to do with I take that back

I'd like to apologize for that statement and assure everybody the gas chambers had nothing. Yeah, he did smell his own farts. Had nothing to do with the... I take that back. I'd like to apologize for that statement and assure everybody the gas chambers had nothing to do with farts. They were just there. Do you have any dates? November 10th and 11th, I'll be at... November 10th, I'll be at Zaney's Nashville. And the 11th, I'll be at Huntsville, Alabama. We just added some dates. I'll add some more.th. I'll be at Zanies Nashville and the 11th I'll be in Huntsville,

Alabama. We just added some dates. Oh, that's more comedy club of Kansas city coming to Kansas city, the 27th, 28th and 29th of November. So the fucking like day after Thanksgiving hitting the road, dude,

nice back on the road. Yeah. I got, I got a couple of things in the works, but I can't talk about November 21st projects. November 21st. Soul Joel, Soul Joel's amphitheater there's one of my things the return dude yeah soul joel had beef it was a schism dude now we're boys how'd you settle it back what was that how did it settle i'm a draw now so what that's how that sounds was it like hey what's up or like

uh yeah we we had talked before we had to yeah you guys weren't talks well we there was just one of my least favorite things, you've seen me deal with this recently on the road, which is where there's a beef that's just an accident. Sure. Like a misinterpreted text or like, it fucking kills me. It bothers me so much.

Like an accidental beef. Yeah. Where it's like, that wasn't what I was just saying when I was texting. I was being friendly. I was joking. Yeah. It's something similar happened with Soljo.

Yeah, I got it like me and him had a miscommunication and that annoyed the fuck out of me that that was a beef because then you get word of it

where it's like yeah he said he fucking hates you and it's like what from Matt what this is literally how I started to fight

in 6th grade I went to two cemeteries that guy said you suck true and he was like what the fuck's his problem true I wonder if I did get tricked

I wonder if somebody out there was just like this could be funny to just tell both of them they don't like each other. That's actually a hilarious thing. I know somebody who's... I know somebody involved... A little schemer. Yeah. A little schemie leepies.

A little schemer. You think he poisoned the well? I think a little schemie leepies. You think he just fucking burned the bridge? Maybe he was doing that behind my back the whole time perhaps because you know i tried to bring him along a little in the scene yeah and i kind of everybody i was mutual friends with with him hates me really you think he's fucking maybe he was behind my back perhaps Perhaps. Perhaps. I'll find out more on this spooky Patreon episode. And I do have

Hitler facts. Alright, we're going to chill with that stuff. It's Patreon.