Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 346- Operation W.O.K.E.

Episode Date: May 6, 2021

WoOoOo. Hot damn!!!! Not sure if you're ready for this one ... The D.A.W.G.Z. ran wild in the concrete jungle? Confirmed. Francis Ellis, Ari Shaffir, and Joe Derosa joined the D.A.W.G.Z.? Confirmed. The cast was 2 lit? You bet it was.  Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod  

Oh, yeah, we're live dude 346 Come on, sorry so me good episode 346. This is natural. Yeah, three four. Yeah, we also we like gave ourselves about a hundred extra Just to look legit start comedy and like how am I doing like six years the goals in six months match Rogan We're gonna make episode 1249 that's smart. Yeah, you're like damn these guys mean business. Yeah, so bro. Oh, are we going? Yeah, dude We're live we've been live. Oh shit live his whole time. Yeah, what are you doing here? I don't know in New York I don't know. I'm doing the gayest city in the world, dude I mean, there's a lot of gays you're not completely wrong. This is last night when we walked through that park

What was that park Washington Square Park? Yeah, pretty gay Just like well like dudes wearing master stuff kidding skateboarders and jugglers Pretty good. You ever go down it. I love I love that park. Yeah She next shocked one time one time I went there on 420 and there was a big group of black guys passing around joints Yeah, and I smoked it with them and it was the the most diversity I've had That's pretty cool

Like And then we were all passing around everyone was like snapchatting themselves being like That didn't happen to us last night No, yeah, that's like a loss in the hood porn Well Are the guests already should fear we wanted to get the two least similar guests possible. Hmm. It's pretty close Over the cross and holocaust One time one time I saw

Walking out of Home Depot remember that Yeah in in on 23rd Street Yeah, and I Walked across the street to say hi to you and you had like your arm full of like light fixtures or something and I was like Hey, Ari, I good to see you and you're good. And I Pretty good You were spooked by me. Yeah, and I was like I work at barstool It's been you know, we've met each other at the office and you're like, okay, whatever

And I think you have a light that shines off you you had a cast on your arm too. Remember that You had a what? No, I remember that cast on your arm. Yeah, he was injured. What happened? I kill it dude. No, really. Yeah, I could kill it in life. So did you fall? Yeah, I skeed my fucking ass off I lost the race right there There you go, hurt your arm skiing. Yeah, you don't know. It's just fucking fun. Do you ski you guys ski? I haven't skied since I thought I could ski. I went through the lady up to killington in vermont and immediately fell off the lift I couldn't get up. Really? I was like a fat turtle at the top of the bottom on the way up

I was like, oh shit. I don't know how to ski and you jumped and no, no, I it's like off the lift I mean when you dismounted, yeah, just when you fell off the dismount went straight and fell while everyone went like People had to get out of the way. What was your next move? Uh, just stand up has it took a very long time to stand up and then uh, just slowly get down the hill Did you pizza? Yeah pizza the whole way dude. I didn't fall again though Dude, I mean you have to like stop every time. Good pizza will keep you from falling. Yeah That's one of those moments where like, hey start we have a noose over here like sweet. Thank you. I'll take it And the girl. Yeah, the girl I was with peed her pants when I fell and couldn't get up

It's so fucking funny her pants laughing at you. Yes Just standing above me cackling in a snowsuit. That's how every like bad guys from 80 skiing movies made This is what you're just down at the launch doing I'm gonna build a fucking development. I fell off one drunk. It was a burners easy Really? Yeah, and I he was on the one ahead of me and then I went on and I was like trying to like get my High-level movie put your poles underneath you and it kept like and then it was pushed me and I was just down And I some guys shut my head down It's like idiot. Yeah, I'm trying to roll and they're like stop the lift

And then Renize is like it's Irish of fear Now that's Jewish skiers, I don't think Seems like you guys ski a lot. We just don't really level. We don't go high. We don't go like compete But yeah, we all ski skiers here. Yeah, really Yeah, one of the one of the best ski lodges in the country is actually called the stein ericsson in deer valley Really? Yeah, I ran into mit romney in the waffle. Yeah. Have you ever skied jackfrost though? No big boulder Are these real? Sounds like a there's some of the premier skiing. Yeah, if you know a little bit about skiing jackfrost big boulder are the

top places No, remember I told you I can do a black diamond. Yeah, I know you're a coconut black diamonds or like if you go anywhere else They're like, I know you can't do it. You don't think I'm a black diamond skier. No, dude I can definitely start you went skiing. I've shredded diamond. I actually I thought it was when I was eight I went skiing that's when the ladies my Pants no, no because I did it when I was 14. That was the only other time after that That's when I was doing it and on the way up. I was with like some old man He like was smoking weed. I was like, can I hit that? He let me smoke weed with him. Really? Fuck. Yeah. Yes 14

Fresh black diamond that day. It was it was tight The time before that I got actually I literally got ran over by snowboarder and I cried on the mountain He tried to do it. I had fallen he tried doing a jump and just fucking trucked me This is like one time we were sitting there at me o'connor and beezer. We're in our Living room watching like the x games wrong. We were watching snowboarding and beezer was like I can fucking drop in on that hit that No, you couldn't and he to this day is like, oh, you're so cool, dude No, dude jack frost big boulder is different. You could do a black diamond there

I went to new york one time up like up there to ski and I like I was like I can do a black diamond I had to like just sit on my butt and like slide down. It was terrifying. That sounds like a whole location fucking challenge We do we can see that would be sick dude. Yeah This winter I'll go see you see what you wear to ski. I bet you the word this I want jeans the gap between his goggles and the in his helmet is so wide Yeah, you're a helmet guy No, I don't wear a helmet. You should Time out. Did you try to push this on me? I ski constantly

I didn't wear a helmet Dude, we go two years ago. Yeah, man. You wear blue jeans. You wear blue jeans. Oh my god, and if you bear a second Don't you dare wear a scarf and I know I don't wear a scarf anymore. You're not delivering mail You you and I have actually skied with us the same guy once that guy out in British Columbia You started it. You're like you two are gonna be best friends You've never said that don't turn on me. It's a track. Remember that time you met at home. Debo. You said that Those are your words. You tried to push the helmet on me also because you were like, what are your what's your helmet look like?

Nobody wears a helmet I'm telling you your helmet tilt probably terrible You you were the guy in football who looked through the the bottom tier of the face mask. Am I wrong? Dude, no helmets are for pussies, but I'll wear one though, but they're for pussies. There's no way around it You're a fucking bike helmets, dude I'd rather die. I'd rather go brain dead Hold on a second sodas actually made fun of me for having the perfect football helmet head

Like in a face mask You could rock a leather helmet real well So you followed him where were you guys? Well, I I went skiing out at whistler and we met there was a comedy show there That I did and it was amazing so much fucking coke there, dude All those people it's like wish Australians all they do is blow. All they do is blow out every fucking day That's true. Australians love cocaine. Yeah. Yeah, Australians rule And then when they finally get anywhere else like it's all fucking cheap here Can't stop doing it. They might pay the most for drugs

They might I think in australia everything's like it's probably prison. It's like five times what he should call that's my opener in australia I'm like, you know, it's general rule of thumb is the more expensive thing is the better quality is and with that in mind The cocaine in australia must be by far the best in the world Yeah, I was in I was in brazil and there was australians there and like one of the dudes I was with he was like luckily he was like south american So he went into the favela to buy coke and these australian dudes were like so fucking happy He came back and it was like jesus coming back to you on palm sunday I love it. I just remember all the australians were coked out in this hostel

So well that could also just be like australians. I know I believe that they were but they also always have that energy True they vacation holiday holiday. Yeah True good point. Oh, hey, I brought you guys presents I forgot. Oh, what? I thought you were saying like australians He was doing a bit. Yeah, I went to a brothel in australia at 10 a.m. On a tuesday It was the wrong time

You know, they were I mean, that's like they're that's like their c-squad, you know Everyone else who's who matters has gone off to bed. What did you do sexually? Um, we did we didn't we sat in the waiting room and they parade out the women one after another You kind of interviewed them and we passed on all you went to a hostel We were so embarrassed that we weren't going to do anything. We left them like None of these girls I thought you were saying you went to a hostel. You were in a brothel. We're at in in sydney Australia, it's legal. It's when you saw the women. You said no. Thank you. Yeah, they were it was so bright. I mean

It was so garish in the middle of 10 a.m. On a tuesday. We actually went straight from the I got y'all some pink lady apples because everybody Appreciate that Yeah, matt. I know you're into flair. So I got you a fucking drain you. Thank you, man. Whoa, dude How'd you know? Oh Fuck yeah, man. Fuck. How many guests do you have to bring fucking? You're the only one ever. Yeah, man I was

Man, this is not barstool, dude, dude. This isn't fuck around time I'm sorry, everybody. That's crazy So you were in the brothel and the women came out and you're like, what else do you got? Even you would have turned these women down No, I'm good. I'm good. The fuck Why are you doing stuff like that? I thought this was a roast or something. What do we just vibe and hang out and like Yeah, we're gonna talk about like rejecting prostitutes and spitting on them. I would have made love to them. Be honest

I would have paid my money and said let's go. I would there was how do you I don't know how you say that to a human Just like no, I came in here to fuck for money, but I'm not going to I think We we thought it was like We thought it was like going into a department store, you know We're like, well, it's been really nice, but we're gonna we're gonna come back your window shop. Yeah, we did Francis Francis is a lot like O'Connor like if he talks about pussy at all. I'm just like, you dude She was lovely and we had I went down on her. I had oral sex with her. Sorry. I'm sorry. That's yeah, true

That's okay. That's okay. No, you know, I feel bad for what I said. Where are you from? Uh, main You know, I mean why what what is it about main that I'm wearing on my forehead? I don't know This main replete with red heads are we I don't know. You just got a main vibe dude I wouldn't have said Atlanta Yeah, main or Alaska The thing they said in the brothel was that they all the women had two different like modes Yeah, and they were and they would come out and give you their pitch

And then they'd be like my name's whatever and I do this beast mode. No, I I do the girlfriend experience No, yeah, and they were like, it's very, you know, sensual we can cuddle kiss Oral and all that and and then all that kind of getting hard go ahead Hope you like me, you know, let me know see you later And then they leave and then the next girl came in and like gave us the same pitch And then three other girls came in same pitch and then finally the the madam who was like organizing the whole thing came And was like, all right boys, do you find anyone you fan seed and we were like, well, everyone gave us the girlfriend experience

Is there anything else? And she's like, well, yeah Um, we've got the porn star experience, but I figured a couple classy new york boys like yourselves wouldn't be up for bad What's that one? And we were like, we're at a brothel at 10 a.m. On a tuesday, of course We wanted the porn star experience. She's like, it's very naughty, you know spanking hair pulling a bit of a choke anything goes We're like, yeah, that's of course, we're not trying to recreate failed relationships with whores He thought you came in a tent. You could get the whole day's worth. Yeah We're we're here to get the evil out so that we're prepared. Yeah, you want to get like you want to get like paid you want to get paid and shit

Yeah, you know Do your worst Yeah, you wait 10 a.m. Like were you up all night or were you just we came straight from the airport? So we're very jet lagged and we actually to the point where she brought air airplane butt and dick We didn't even Go to our air bnb. We came with our luggage and they were like, you can't stay here and then you turn them down We're like, you'll see

Uh, and then we left with our lucky way to roll way to get it out of the coat bag There the coat closet our rolling suitcases. How long on the flight is it 17 hours? And then you went straight to a brothel Yeah, we went straight from there to the brothel Because we've been excited. We've been talking it up on the flight. We were excited. I'd never been to a brothel before He's terrified. How could you ruin this? Start it over. Start the pockets over Is that noise? I wonder if they have uh They should start like a love in australia themed brothel where you go on a love in australia date

Yeah, you pretend to be it's an autistic experience where you tend to be on love in australia And be like plain switch And then smash dude those fucking losers on that show they could make hella money being a True that would be that would be a quiet sensation. Yeah, one of them There's michael michael on a sex date, dude. There's also uh, no the best one would have been who's mac Really nice guys. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's such a lovely die You're so happy. His would have been you ever see the porn where it's like made for like sensuality. It's like couples porn Yes, he would have made nice

Now I could have made nice It's as high quality as black is it's if not more so it's very gentle What autistic the the like romantic romance They like kiss for like an hour I promise I promise You know, that's child porn light new bios is child porn No, it is It's good. It is high quality. You're right. It's the next best thing new bios is yeah

It's yeah, it's it's uh, what's the It's like nicolob zero or whatever. It's like non-acoholic beer. It's like oh duals. Oh duals. Oh duals. Oh duals a child porn New bios. Okay. No, it's the one where it's like gentle for the first like five minutes and then they go hard Yeah, we're thinking of something else if when it's like Dappled dappled sunlight Yeah, you know like I love you so much and they kiss for like 10 minutes. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's not new bios Dude, that's like someone fucking their step sister bret I can see you had that I promise. Did they really I'm with Shane on this one. I'm dude. I'm certain breakdown

I've come to it. What was the plot you watched? Uh, it's like it's literally like the title of it's like loving Romantic. Yeah, really? I didn't search for that because I know fucking queer Think I'm not searching for love and shit No, I searched hardcore sex. I just typed xxx. It boobs I just go for crossover. I go for like new bios and bang bust. So it's like gentle gentle fucking in a van Those those scenes always start the girl is the cooking eggs in the kitchen and it's a nice kitchen And she's wearing her white her husband boyfriend's white t-shirt and then silk pajama like panties and then he comes in and he's

He's like rubbing his bleary sleepy eyes and then next thing, you know, they have morning. So he's fucking hard. Yeah, that's it That's how it starts If she wants she's just like stayed in bed I've been trying to tell them that You know, I mean just chill the already in the position. I'm gonna do what you want with your life, but true Hell yeah, this is awesome, dude I'm having fun. I wish that old guy would have stayed in here for a while longer I didn't see him. I've got a very live audience. I've been in the flow state

You guys ever got hookers? I have not I didn't know I went to the strip club one time with people and uh, they freaked out because I came out and I was like, yeah I just titty fuck that lady and they're like, what the fuck? I was like, you don't fuck these ladies They're like, no, and I was like, no, I just find the ones I can fuck. That's what I used to do But you know, well, obviously I'm married now. I'll be kid, but yeah, that was an animal, dude Yeah, I could take the shot. You take the chances. You're like, you can do you like ease it in or how do you do it? Okay, so if you're if you're going to You're going to a strip club and you want to like get the you know

The worst. Yeah, if you're there because you need to be there. There's two different things You can be having fun. I used to go there because I needed to be there Yeah, so I needed to be there so you go in there and you know, you shoot the breeze and They're like, oh, let's do a dance and you just go like I don't know. I you know, I don't really just want to go back You know, you kind of just peppered into the conversation You're like, I don't know and then they'll come out and be like, you know, it'll be worth your time And you're like, yeah, but they always say worth your time

But it's like, what do you mean by that? I say, what's that? What's that mean? Oh, you go right about it? Yeah, I go, what's that mean? And they're like, oh, and if they're vague at all, I go no and then at that point if they're they'll say That's very aggressive the sex workers. No, it was no, no, no. I'm gentle. I'm gentle. I think I actually freak them out I would like be so comfortable afterwards and start chopping it up with them. They'd be like Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, it's uncomfortable. One lady asked me for a ride to ride eight afterwards to get condoms I was like, nah, I'm not taking it. That's like a whole that's a problem. That's a different life I'm like, I don't want that. You're staying in that life. Yeah. Yeah. Once you get to your car

Once you run one errand with a hooker. It's a freaky friday situation. You're just in that life forever. That's like a tick Just attaches to your civic. Yeah, you know, it's like, where's my registration for my car? Francis, have you ever had sex with a hooker? I have not no What that was your one time and you didn't do it girls love when you if you tell like once you get out of like You know the wild stages of like dealing with prostitutes when you get like a nice girlfriend They love hearing about when you're with prostitutes You've got to tell You've got to tell them you got to be honest. They get so turned on by it, dude

It's like 50 shades of gray for them. What type of stuff do you tell them? Just tell them everything. Yeah I'm like, yeah, I should go to the wish I should get off the mega bus and go to the wishy washy. It was fucking sick Did you ever fuck them like, no, I only got a hand job Every girl asked if you've been with a hooker. It's like a weird thing to do. Yeah girls ask that guys ask have you ever fucked a black guy? Both of you are kind of like, I hope Yeah, man, yeah, it's pretty you should do it once is a cool That's what my friends have said and it's a lot like sex I think it's it's more like I haven't been to the places where it's so calm like when you go to columbia

I've heard it's new york has some hookers. Yeah But where like, how do you well they shut down back pages was a big one. They shut it down. Thank god, dude Why they shut it down trump shut it down. I don't know. He just because it was fucking it was messing up hard working americans, dude I was out there trying to work and that would just halt shut down back pages Yeah, dude, or door in his administration rolling up the pedophiles door in his administration got shut down That's because they're fucking kids doesn't mean everybody wants to fuck kids They ruined the pornhub too. Why what's born about it took down a bunch of cool stuff because a bunch of guys were jerking off the kids. Yeah, man They're taking everything dude. Yeah, I was

Mental cigarettes are going mental cigarettes are going that was actually No, I sort of got I think they're banning them. Yeah, what a tough time would be a black barbecues the barbecues the public parks are out It's never been worse to be a black pedophile They came out and said that too. They're like the african-americans have been disproportionately harmed by menthol So, yeah, yeah, all right, man. Come on. That's so That's a weird uh, it's a weird way to put it They didn't know you can probably put police. I mean, right? They got a lot of actually really

What? No About the crush they can just still do the crush so you can make your own decision That's a good point dude. It should be like red pill blue pill. Yeah They sell the tips. Uh, pop the king palms. You can do the crush, but who knows how long they'll be here for But yeah, they should get they should do it on you get a warning and they can crush if you want to crush Yeah, I don't think catch you that's a ticket They catch you crushing Clearly just another way to arrest black people

They're like we're gonna make menthol cigarettes illegal Remember after slavery they made no lawdering laws So they can still get there like cotton picked. So like are you hanging around? I was like, well, we can't get you out I was like, you're come on. Yeah, let's go. Yeah, they gotta do that They gotta figure out a way to still like your tail lights out might might even drive it like Yeah, this is the this is the point. It's a little too easy This is the most obvious like if you had to pick one menthol If you like make one thing illegal that just black people are gonna get arrested for yeah, they're called Cadillacs in jail

Oh come through with the Cadillacs It's all the black dudes calm also white trash Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, man. I mean, dude, that's that's a secret of the universe. Yeah Black dudes in white trash kind of fuck with the same stuff I should just get along It's a cooling mechanism that makes your throat less irritated which makes you want to be able to smoke more Which is why they're so harmful. It's minty

Yeah, I like a mental once in a while. Yeah, is that why they're harmful? That's what I've heard Like a regular cigarette people I heard they put fiberglass in your throat when I was 12 And I've been running with that ever since just menthols. I mean, it's a or it's something I heard when I was I heard that about all that's what I heard about dip Really? Yeah. Yeah Shit and I kept to that until I was about 30 I was like, yeah, cut your mouth up and then the tobacco gets in there Like, you know, you're retarded. I was like, what?

I sure I had to I had to stop but I still dip like uh, this is in it's like a nicotine pouch Is that the snooze? I think I don't know. I'm not sure the toasted stuff from sweden. No, do you spit? No No, that's probably the snooze. You probably know about the snooze, right? The spit is like that's like you're not coming my car if you're spitting. You don't spit. That's good Yeah, it's tough to open you go to you go to sweden and knows the Scandinavian countries that the women do this too What? Yeah, I heard about they have they packed the snooze in the lips. It's like You don't spit snooze, right? You don't

Between your gum and your lip. I just had a dental surgery on this. Oh, don't do that Definitely don't do that. Don't do anything. Yeah, definitely don't do that. Yeah, that would hurt like hell. Yeah I'm gonna give it a rip I like these nuts, dude I like it. I've always liked it. Yeah, but I was asking why am I nuts? Because I love when you say stuff like that because you just you just fucking throwing caution to the wind I can't tell you how much I want another bite of that apple, but I tell the off do it You guys told me no too. It's very crispy. I don't want to tell choose how your life for you do

What's Francis? What'd you major in at Harvard? Uh, government with a focus on the Middle East. Really? Wow, you wanted to bring down the muslims. Yeah, man No, I wanted to work for the CIA true story. Really? What are the CIA after? Aren't they bringing down the muslims? I think they are among them. That's one of their goals. You would have dug in nicely. They would have never thought you were an operative Well, you know, you're right. Do you ever see a movie, uh, bridge of spies? No, it wasn't bridge. What's with the one with Leo? Leonardo DiCaprio. Yeah, catch me if you can. That's if you can. Yes. That's the one. Yeah, that's the one. That's the one. That's got to be it. Siriana or the one with Russell Crowe? No, um, the one with Russell Crowe. Yes. You're right. Thank you gladiator

What's eating Gilbert grape? We're doing it. The cast is too litty. So Middle Eastern studies, US government. I know Do they tell you who did 9 11 in college? No Fuck it's bullshit. Secret save, Ari What kind of shit did they teach you about? Well, I

I tried to learn Arabic. It was too hard. True. It was fucking hard. Do you remember any words? You just made that up dude. That was racist as hell. No, that means uh, like and then there's you know, inshallah and then inshallah Yeah, inshallah Cleb now you're making that's a dog. What? Cleb. Okay Something like that. My brother-in-law is an Arab. I fucking hate him Hey, it makes me sick, dude. I'm gonna join the CIA now Do you see that new CIA commercial no join the CIA? Yeah. No. Oh the girl one. Did you see it? Is it you talking about homeland?

It basically is I don't know what it is. There's like an ad for the CIA. It's like a video of this Latina woman. Yeah, she literally is like I am Latina and She's like I'm a she's like I suffer from anxiety disorder. She's just like one of those. She's a woke And she's joining and she's in the CIA. What the fuck? Why would they why would they advertising it? They're like look how powerful these kick-ass women are in the CIA? Wow, it's insane They're trying to destroy the family they're gonna take all the wives and put them in the CIA

Obviously, this is the next level. It's the crazy and also every single military commercial is like i'm a black woman in the air force Nobody knows how to be It's only having the military be woke they like just come out of like bombing a small village and they're like What are we doing black ladies? All right. They used to properly target words They had the best white trash ads it was like are you ready to climb a mountain and fight a fucking dragon? Every poor white guy was like hell. Yeah, are you ready to face your worst tattoo? Now it's like, yeah Damn, dude, they have a CIA girl commercial. Uh, can we pause this and watch kim possible?

I need I need you guys to see this. Yes, you don't know how he's cartingy if you can't pause it You're fired It's edited. Yeah, let's edit it out. Oh nice. You can edit right with the point. We're all saying edit it. Yeah time Damn Yeah, buddy, don't worry about getting him a mic. Fuck him Damn cut him off ice fucking cold It might have been funny to include him after the edit Just have dorosa sitting down. No, it's fine. It's all good man. All right

You're doing okay So Francis, what do you think about that bitch that stole your job? Oh, yeah I mean, I find it strange that they are True that lucky next woman bumped you out, dude extending a beckoning hand to people with anxiety to what has to be one of the most Anxiety inducing jobs. Yeah Had me at latino. I was like, oh, sure sure sure, but then it's like I'm also pretty fucked up I

Get her a gun. Yeah, what's this gendered? I do remember on the application when I applied They said that speaking another language is a plus and that the languages they wanted you to be flowing in were russian mandarin portuguese and arabic Yeah, we got a fuck with brazil. Those are the It's like, okay. Well, these are clearly our our enemies, I guess and I didn't know that brazil was a country that a concrete company We got to take down the concrete company. I didn't know I didn't know the cia had a presence in brazil or Portugal is all around the world. Of course, but like the United States government can drop a bomb anywhere in the world in two hours

But I would not have thought that we were like the other thing made a lot of sense to me But I would have thought like, you know, north korea. They didn't even mention that but portuguese ahead of that Dude, what if they sent you to north korea and you had to pretend fully like go full makeup and everything they tend to be For the government would you kill you would you do it? Pick surface and I got out of her black face Korean face mocha latte. Don't make me say it'd be creative face. They're pretty fair skin north korea is very fair skin Would you put on the makeup and just like would you have pasta? I love getting dressed up? I I would have a country though. I sure do sure love my country. You would do it take a rubber bullet for it, you know Did you oh

Thought you're out protesting, but you know oh speaking of America. Um, you know, what's really cleaned up is and this is not a bit The dmv. Have you guys been there in a while? It's gotten good really they've streamlined it. Yeah, you ever get your you get your new real id the enhanced id Yeah, you got to get it. What was your experience? They're the most competent people I was in and out in 10 minutes where they hire white people We're not going there. There's not hired latinx serious question. Yes The place they're me they did have a lot of people with down syndrome. Do you think they fired them? Just for your your pleasure there and your experience. Oh, there goes my SNL gig

No, they did they had no for real. They used to have him the one near me. So You're telling me they they cut the it made some changes around there Well, they had I think they had a few of them, but those guys were just squirting hand sanitizer when you walked in That's all they were doing. That's pretty tight. Yeah, so they did a little reassignment little mean Don't throw me away. Don't throw me away. Yeah, I think they had like efficiency experts come in and be like, what do you do here? Man, that's nice. I'm glad you had a good how long did it take you top to bottom 10 minutes What? It's because of covid they're getting people in there. No, they were flying. It was it was really impressive

Hey, you might just turn cove it just turn cove it. Can you do your job? I was I was so nervous because I was Screwed I didn't I don't I lost my social security card and my driver's license And those are the two things you need one or the other you needed you need a driver license to get a social security card You need a social security card to get a driver license. That's what I thought I came in with a w2 like a Telephone or an electrical bill for my current apartment and then I swear to god my college

Transcript with my old student ID 3.31 you brought a Harvard transcript. Sure did. She didn't even look at it. I was like sure you don't want to Take a picture. Pass it around back there. You've never seen what I do Seriously take a look take a look take a look at the glass. Do you ever feel guilty walking around new york being this white? You know like are you ever like everybody hates me now? Well only in comedy. They do true. They don't like me here They don't like me here. They hate white people. Like what are you doing here? You got off in the wrong stop, dude What's dyeing your hair? I don't I don't think I need to it's it's getting blonder as I age so the red is fading

Which is good. It used to be way redder. He actually started dyeing it. You should go jet black The last time you should go jet black and leave the eyebrows Last time I saw Shane hold not the last time But one of the times I was hanging out with Shane and Andrew Schultz They were both uh, they pulled me aside at a party and they were like pulling up old pictures new and they were like, dude You used to be so ugly. Like what? No, I didn't say you were ugly. I was like you you've blown up You know, I wouldn't say glow up. Obviously. This was Schultz. Sure, but you were you were there. You were like, yeah, you told him You said that you were egging them on. Well, I was excited to see you. Yeah, I mean to you

No, I meant I was excited to see you getting pulled. Well, sure It's so fun Because he does he does he's a nasty little fuck dude. Yeah, he'll give it back. Oh, really? Francis is actually deceptively mean. Oh, come on. He comes at you with that Harvard like Who's a dude from succession tom Who's in the office with? I saw him at uh, my eleno once by himself. He was eating by himself Which one was tom the dude who would always fuck with greg was like the nephew who was the guy who was like married into the family

Oh, the door but idiot, but then he's like super devious He played uh, no, no, that's greg. That's cousin greg. That's cousin greg. Tom was his boss. Tom was one who was always bullying Oh, yeah, I'm just rasping you bro. Always bullying. I like that. He'll be like super serious. I was like, no, I'm just joking Yes, actually her ass gets cucked by the coolest thing you could do cucked by his red-headed, uh wife or whatever She's like, we have an open relationship and he's like, I don't really like that but okay Yeah, we didn't talk about the the commercial No, we didn't oh the latin. I would even address that dude. What do you think of that? It was too long first of all. Yes

Yeah, wait, but you like again Get to the fucking cells. Yeah, they didn't really sell it. They didn't go like join the sea. It just showed a picture of cia Yeah, they're walking across dude. It's so funny how you have these like, you know multinational corporations the cia Let's say you can assume they have perpetuated some massive amounts of evil on the mean now They're fucking woke. It's like the cia's woke everybody woke on the surface Yeah, but it's like pepsi bike buys like lakes in india and they're like we tell you we love mexican guys You're like, dude Guys are perpetuating global evil. You know what you know what the cia has done for me

Is it has made me very wary of drones? Oh, no, what do you mean? You see a drone and like uh, get in here. You ever see a drone like just out and about and you're like Is that you know, is that looking at me? Oh, yeah, you see that now. They probably never stop. Get in Um, I've seen a drone out and about I think it's ari shafir I love that great start. You fucking drunk, dude Nice sandwiches you drunk piece of shit You're up there

This is great Seriously, it's been fun. I've been both for real. Why wouldn't you help we want some sandwiches I knew that You want to talk body types? I'll destroy you in front of your ladies right now. You want me to eviscerate you? Gross off gross off gross off gross off No, it stopped it. Uh, why don't you just come in during the normal hours? I understand why it's so hard for you to play by the rules I didn't know when the hours come to the comic club at 4 p.m. No, it's not you're not coming for comedy You're you're coming to the sandwich the comedy come for a sandwich

This is the same much thing. What is happening? Are you a big sandwich guy? He stopped doing sit-up, but now he does sandwiches Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you stopped. Huh? He told me you stopped. I did stop This guy bumped me last week. Did he swear to god? He's right back to comedy Did you really? He bumped Francis? You came back just to bump Francis He's working the line it's subway so get out of my way, buddy. I'm here making salami sandwiches now Are you gonna Jared? Are you gonna Jared for your thing? I drop in a quiz nose now Dude, you're hammered

What happened? It's sicker than Mario, dude. It is sicker than Mario Oh Yeah, no, I we we might have had a few today, but whatever. I'm glad you dropped in. I was hoping you would yeah I could see you were itching to get involved. No, we were sitting over there watching the whole time We were laughing dude. It was fun, man. It was really fun. Yeah when I heard you were here. I was excited. I was like, oh, yes I was excited what I knew you were coming in. Yes, because Francis came in and I go, what are you doing here? He goes, I'm doing our um our I'm doing Shane's podcast with Ari and I go dude So Shane's coming in here and he goes, yeah, I was like I was like all excited to see you. Yeah

God, what a sweet guy. Yeah. I wasn't I was different than the reaction when I told you Really? No, it's no it's a vastly different. It was just like, hey, what's going on? I'm doing Shane's podcast. You're like, oh The first time you come on here to fib The first exposure I ever had no, I already knew that you were asking what I was doing Huh, Francis is gonna say he followed you around. No, no The first time I ever saw Joe DeRosa was when he was on stage at Madison Square Garden. Yeah That was huge. I sold that out. Yeah. Yeah, you crushed. I sold out two shows

Bill Burr was there to open for me They went they went top to bottom there. You didn't ask to flip the lineup. Yeah. Yeah, it was wild dude. It was so cool I had blinded and uh, and bill burr opened for me. He did pretty good They seem to like him. I think he has you think he has you think he has it? No I've heard I've heard the sandwiches are great. They are they're good. I've heard why would you stop doing them at a certain hour though It's a pop-up. It's not a rest like like like it's not a restaurant It's a pop-up inside of a what's a pop-up just make the fucking sandwich you're doing like a like a highlighted thing inside of a Functioning restaurant like you can't do it all that you have to do it during certain hours

So they're able to maintain in a common. Yeah, but isn't a pop-up sort of a novelty moment Where exactly where but if you're doing it consistently, would you call it a pop-up? Well, that's what I'm saying a novelty wouldn't be We do it all novelty is You know a succinct number of hours Very limited windows sandwich or that's exact. That's what makes it a novelty. Yeah, right? Yeah Oh, this is it. Aren't you Arabic? Huh? Aren't you? mostly

Egypt, yeah, just like my brother-in-law that motherfucker I don't like him either I'm on Marse d'Orc Huh Do you not actually get on? No, he's awesome. He's great. Good. Yeah. He's the man. That's cool. I haven't met it I truly have not met an Arab. I didn't like They're kind of always No, I know but no shit, dude

Look how mad I got. Am I not like you? Oh, no, they don't like me He's Moroccan Jew. His brother married a Palestinian Jew Burbers burbers. No, no And uh, the families do not like each other and then after um, remember they like, uh, shot off that place for making that cartoon Yeah, yeah All his Facebook friends are through his, um, brother-in-law is like brother. I mean sister-in-law's family. They were like, you know, you shouldn't make fun They were none of them were like, that's fucking terrible. Exactly Dude, I worked I worked next to this guy when I was in arbor toyota this guy. I shouldn't have said that but

Edit that part out that part in please This, uh, I think he was Syrian or no, he was Iranian And when the pulse nightclub shooting happened in Orlando where the guy shot up a gay bar I was sitting next to him at work and he was like, yes, but on the one side They shouldn't have been committing no sins Yo, you can't tell anyone that I was like, dude, I respect it It's pretty funny that you think that way

Ari had the funniest tweet of all time. You might have had the funniest tweet of all time when bernie madeoff died Oh, that was great It was so fun because you got in all the shit for the kobe tweet, right? Yeah, you can bring that up This is so, no, hold on. This is so funny That part out, please Ari No, don't cut this out. This is so funny. This is so funny that Ari

Just we think it's like that's funny And you liked it. You liked the kobe too. That black dudes were calling me and going I gotta give up to Ari. This is so funny But when bernie madeoff died and Ari goes Normally, I would trash this man who was terrible for dying or whatever and he goes, but I've learned my lesson All life is precious And we need to salute bernie madeoff right now I was like, dude, that was like one of the funniest fucking tweets I've ever read

You know what? I just I had a joke before that about uh, I was thinking, you know how like the Muslim guy was working with was like, but they shouldn't have committing those sins It'd be funny if white guys defended school shootings and shit like that the same way like muslims occasionally They should have been at that shopping center Should have been at that fucking movie. Why are they seeing the dark night? What were those kids doing in social studies? On the one hand it is very bad Why was that kid math class down I

Like to see you guys together. It's a great combo. I keep thinking we're both going to go to talk and kiss Do you ever bang any of the hookers you've never kissed a hooker You got friends that you've never open mouth kissed a hooker. No, what's a hooker? Yeah, he's got friends. I've done it, but he's never done a hooker. I hardly know That's the that's the main line you go. Look I get doing it. It's just not for me. Yeah, I went down it with my guys About select for pay Enterprising whore Also hooker hooker is not bad reverse comedy team

The reason the reason it's uh, but it's not a sex worker. It's different. It's like that's an umbrella statement Are they rolling actual hookers? Again? I don't understand why the fuck cares about their rights Fuck we should kill them group. I mean if you say prostitute if grand theft auto taught me anything It's that you can kill them and no stars appear You know, there's there's a lot of uh, like educated upper class white ladies who are getting into sex work So they're getting into it being like actually we need right. It's like dude. Oh, yeah, because they're all Changing it. Yeah, this is the only thing a second uber job of upper class. Yeah, it is and that's truly what it is It's it's it's it's middle-class white ladies getting into something and then saying I don't want to be tagged with this thing

That I look down upon Money hungry I looked out upon so it's not cool to call it this anymore. That's really Oh, you want to get a mic cut that part up, please? Oh Do they have one more like would you kiss? Yeah, try it again. Take two on that. Take two on that Should I say that whole thing again? No, it's okay. Okay. My bad. Was it very quiet? Do they have one more mic I'm sorry for the roses on your ass

I'm sorry for tone-policing you. I'm on you, dude It's gardenia He might get you watch out It's fucking good, bro. What are your notable rosemasters? Oh Um I'm here. Why would I not know them? You're gonna let them talk down to you like to have to Yeah, it's got fucking roasted. I just got fucking obliterated. This is literally the room spider got killed him This is it. This is exactly how it happened. Shit. Yeah, he said you don't know fucking entertainment, dude

You wouldn't know him, dude Damn, I never would have thought Ari and gardenia would have a beef Francis fuck him up. No, Francis would wail on gardenia. Look at him. He's going to the six. He's nervous. I think the uh There we go Oh I think they uh, the like upper middle white class ladies went from burlesque to Yeah, they saw what they were getting. They're like

We could just suck some dick burlesque is like the gateway hordom to Yes, the marijuana his work. Yeah, it's it's stripping. It's stripping for people with english There was a I was reading there was there was a piece that came out about a lot of the women who went to only fans Who were then getting like outed and then losing their jobs at like only yeah Yeah, the losing their jobs at like the non whore jobs or something. Yeah, and then they were like, I don't know what to do Now I'm only making you know 16 thousand dollars a month on only fans And you're like, well, clearly that was better than your work. You should have you should have committed to it fully Anyway, yeah dive in they don't have benefits though. No, they're just punishing themselves

Constantly pretty much everyone on our only fans every porn star every stripper is is also a fucking prostitute. Yeah No, that's not true pretty much everyone. That's not true. What are you doing later every stripper? It's like what are you doing like we can talk that's not true. You don't have it's like I think in like some You can make sweeping generalizations like that about but not about that. It's most No, like like Joe loves sex workers. I think it's true if you say like all Jews are evil, but that's different Do you know what I mean? Yeah, but like I don't think you can say it about Do you know what I mean? But yeah, no, they all have their price

It's like a united you could bribe the united states government, but you just need like a billion dollars so, right? Yeah I was in LA. There was a I went to a strip club and it was uh They they stopped serving alcohol after like one in the morning of the strip clubs I don't know why and then I got a lap dance from this girl and I was like I was like, what's your name? And then she gave me her name and then at the end of the night I was like, you know, I'm here for a week

Like let's hang out She was like, okay, and she gave me a different name like a human name and then um And then we were like texting Yeah, and she and then we texted for like a couple days and then she gave me another third name So she had like layers of of how she wanted to present herself She's probably gonna rob you with scopolamine or whatever that stuff is. What is that? They blow it. Oh Yeah, that works. Is that real? Yeah, it's sure chloroform a lot of people die from that all the time face

And then no, it's a powder. You just got it's like a plant. You go Really if you breathe it in Happen to buddy of mine. They were really fucking stripped down naked all this money was gone. Everything's gone Yeah, you go into zombie mode for like three hours. Oh my god Princess like she told me her name was angelica And then the jay at the end of the night. She's like my name's frank I And then after that she's like my name's bobby

Damn, it's like can we go back to angelica? I'm a stripper now. I got to come back and work as a bouncer in 40 minutes Dan frances, you probably fuck hard you've partied bro. Yeah, he's like Francis you're probably behind me. You don't fuck hard. You know, I I had my fun. I had my fun We have a bigger penis. You know, it's fine. Look at him. He's a specimen for sure. Yeah, take it out for sure Slap it on the table. Would you show your penis? Uh, no He's got the dick of fucking Cobra Kai face, bro When you were playing like high school or college sports and the guys were like, uh,

You know you shower were there guys on your team who would like work it up a little before they came into the Yeah, I don't even know any of those guys Maybe pull on it before Yeah, I do that before the doctor. Yeah, dude, do you really I watch porn in the lobby? Yeah, hell yeah, you can't present your boy. You can't show your boys a small dick. So you you yeah I would sometimes accidentally go too hard and that's it. Yeah, that's it. You guys it's a thin line You're like, oh, calm down, you know, true. It's distressing now. You can't be too hard for your boys. No, no Definitely, you certainly can't be soft. True. If you're showing your boys your penis, you definitely have a semi

You have some respect for them. Yeah, exactly. There was one kid on the team Who matters everyone thought had a big dick, but I was like you can see the veins like it's it's engorged You know what I mean? Like you knew that he was and this was the lacrosse or Uh, this was yeah lacrosse. Yeah. Yeah, that's my that. Yeah, you guys probably got some decent dogs in there The cross guys, fuck. I might have to talk about that fucking duke shit. I mean like normally You know what, lacrosse and also to like rowing guys, like I swear to god, like I didn't know this when I started comedy like I started to meet dudes that went to pen that were rowing guys And like those guys crushed so much fucking ass

Like fucking clinko at the bottom. I was like let me plump you up before you go in front of your boy's naked, dude I don't know. I don't take it. No, seriously, dude. Like I like rowing guys like they would like it was insane It was insane in Philly. They have big dicks. Why did you have so much crossover with rowing people? Because rowing was because rowing was big in Philly. This is down by the docks. The boat houses. There's like seven right on top of each other. Yeah, it was a huge thing in Philly, the boat houses And I never knew that when I was a kid, you know, you drive by the boat houses and they had Christmas lights on I mean, yeah, it's nice. That's cute. That's that's good. Christmas houses in summertime. You could smell the pussy It started to hang out in Philly. I was like, oh, that's where the rowing guys go

And every one of them always had like chicks and like it was uh, it was a scene Well, the Winklevoss ones were both big-time rowers really and they I mean I was after them, but they they hooked up with the hottest girls. Did you ever see the little rascals? Yep, worked then too. Yeah took her out in the lake. Yeah. Well, that was a row boat. That wasn't quite the tv show crew What would you call a crew boat? Uh, I don't know what you'd call it. I don't imagine a row boat a galley. No No

Like an eight person narrow Rowing boat Oh, no a row boat is when you have both of them and you're going out to a bigger boat to a lighthouse What's the kind where they got from like Fiji to Hawaii and they got that one little sideboard? Yeah, yeah, yeah an ocean I feel like nautical knowledge is like a measure of whiteness. Is it the more you know about nautical terms the whiter Not a lot of black rowers No, what's up? Yeah, where's the fucking rowing commercial trying to get diversity?

Fuck late night True that. Thanks you think It does Yeah, well, dude, what else is up, man chilling, bro Chilling idea. This is this is ideal. This is awesome. It's awesome. It's awesome. I'm only two hours away. Yeah, I guess so Philly Oh, really? Yeah, normally we record there. I usually What part of Philly? Art museum

Nice, dude. I like it down there That's right near the boat house. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. I walked by all the time. I was driving through the city like a week or two ago And they seem to have redone all of the roads The whole city is completely modernized. What are you talking about? I'm telling you every street that I saw the worst roads on dude. I'm telling you every street I saw was brand new paved. They probably just paved the street where you were. It was a lot of streets It was smooth center city. Yeah Like it was because I grew up outside of Philly and I started comedy in Philly

Philly overnight became I mean there there are sections of Philly where you would go down and you'd be like Did they just shoot the opening scene of rocky here? Like it was like desolate. It was and overnight it was like the hippest place on fucking planet earth Like I don't know what happened. No, it's still there's still parts that like they're the murder rates flying right now Oh, really? I mean murder city the breaking record. Yeah, they're breaking records right now 33 up from last year. Yeah, that's high. That's a fucking And they hit 500 they hit 500 last year 500 percent

And now they're up 33 percent from that normally they're around I just looked at it last week I've been talking about for a week 500 every year. Yeah. Yeah. Wow There was a six person shoot out near my old house on 37th and melon. Nice. It's the okay corral That's that's what's exactly what that was. It's what was saying. He said it was like an old western, dude Six dudes just shooting it out. What do you think they're sent? Do you think they did a draw? Yeah, for sure. Do you think there's some mentals? When I started when I started comedy and Philly my opening joke used to be Philly Where's where's the good part and it would get this huge fucking laugh and now it's not like I mean there's still stuff happening

But like no, it sounds like example fish town used to be A disaster and now it's like still there and it's worse like there's coffee shops And I love when a local government is just makes a decision like we're making that nice now They kick all the homeless and the fucking they're just like we're making it nice They build a boardwalk or something. Yeah, and it's just like within two years. Yeah, they move them in orange county They, uh, you can't be homeless. They'll pick you up and drop you off in california. California. Yeah If you're homeless in orange county, they'll pick you up and just drop you off drive you to beco pretty much Yeah outside santa limits and speak get out of here, dude like rambo

Do you guys ever think about if if you were to watch something unfold like a uh someone Homeless or something is about to like attack A An elderly nice person. What's the guy look like the homeless guy? You know, you know, you know homeless. Yeah, okay. Yeah dirty Okay, um Would you step in fuck? No. Yeah, oh, yeah, dude. I'd kill him We could which one end his story life homeless guy. No, you would not Oh, I got a good one. I was walking right in china town. I was walking past this

There was walking into a shop. Yeah to get some water and there was a Homeless lady just clearly dead. Yeah, what like a black lady on the ground like clearly odying and I like stared at her for a second I was like All right, I'm just gonna go into this job And then when I came out people were like helping her and I just stopped and be like what happened I was like, should I help and they were like, no, we're okay. I was like, okay. Good luck. Oh, thank god. Yeah Yeah, I watched her dying and I was just like Damn, I gotta go. I'm late for dinner. I gotta get this water

I saw dude on a bike get a fucking courier or like a delivery guy get hit by a car going through red light Flipped and fucking fell and I jumped off my bike. I called 911 and then they came pretty fast and then like uh And then I was like, fuck I went put my bike off to the side and I was like And I was like, how's he doing and the guy the ambulance driver was like, who are you? I'm like, I'm the guy who called the hero. Hello. We're good. Thanks. Damn. Yeah Fucking respect that must happen all the time though here like where's the news? In New York. Yeah, it must dude every single time somebody gets hit or something. There must be 12 white people like what's going on here What are you guys following the rules?

I gotta say I gotta say about Ari. It's like it's like people will never expect it because he makes like insanely crass jokes on Instagram and And he's he's a very edgy guy. He's a jerk. Yeah, he says outlandish. He's the first guy Honestly, and I've been with him in situations in public where somebody needs help He's the first guy to be like, are you okay? Do you need help? He really truly is like a humanitarian And then my patreon's all like kindness and stuff I mean, look at this. He came he came with gifts. I'm not being funny. I'm serious

You're not being a funny guy, but he came he came and gave us gifts. No He's a sweet guy. He's I've seen him out in public where like somebody's in like a little bit of a bind He's like, are you okay? You know like it gets involved. He sticks his nose. Yeah, it's fucking business. Well, I can't help it I'm clearly more Thanks, bro I've been thinking a lot I've been thinking a lot that um, you know to to intervene

Especially given how many people are picking up phones and taping Altercations. I had that thought with the lady. You just I don't need to go cops You just need you need one moment where you're the guy on camera Like bending down and breaking it up or or or or for me the one I really want What situation are you going to say? This is the one I want. This is the one I think about a lot someone A homeless person pushes A nice like elderly Asian woman into the tracks of the subway and then I the train's coming But there's enough time where I jump down and I sort of cover her and push her into the trough

And we and we and the train comes over us And then we scramble out and where I'm like, we're all good here and by that point everyone's filming Yeah, and then when you punch that homeless guy, that's when they think it's gonna start and they go Who's this fucking? Yeah, those those edit it and do you like sexually assaulting an old asia? Yeah, yeah, right Here's how you here's how you here's how you carry that out perfectly after you save the lady from the tracks You come up Everybody goes look at this homeless guy that pushed her in there and you go stop

And you give the guy a sandwich. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You love sandwiches roses sandwich. Yes That's what you do. And then you then everybody's like, oh my god. Look this guy is Yeah, that's your next commercial Oh, that should be your first. Yeah, I'm gonna do it. Let's shoot it. I'm down. Yeah, I've been dealing with crippling anxiety and I I'm a latina second generation Well, how many years do you have here? Have a hand sandwich? Yeah I like that

It's good to hear a fantasy. I have a bunch of those my favorite. I gave you one of my favorites I have one more if you don't mind. Oh, yeah, please. The other one is active shooter Situation developing food court of a mall. I'm on the second floor of the atrium, right? It's a big open space crunching down some like auntie aunt Ann's pretzel bites or something at the court Yeah, but I'm up. I'm a buck. So I Oh, so you're perched. Yeah, I come in wearing, you know Fucking paintball gear or whatever and and he's got all kinds of 3d printed guns And I I I flying squirrel

Off and land on him and crumple. Oh from above. Yeah Telescope is fine. Like maybe he fires up Yeah, a few a few rounds get out But you know, no, maybe one guy gets hit in the calf or something. Yeah, and and I land on him and I telescope his spine He's paralyzed. Maybe dead and uh, and and and maybe I like you got to get a little injured, right? So like a sprained wrist. So you're wearing a cast. Yeah for the president We should also unbolt his guns like pop the clips out and be like You're gonna want a couple people to die first because otherwise

So it's it could have been a lot worse He has my pressure of shame in the same situation the guys down there. He starts firing. She has like oh shit Yeah, definitely Picking up some of the victims food Exactly. Yeah Joe, you want to get in on this and make jokes about me? Yes. No, no You say you do that though shooter comes into the Walmart, whatever it is, right? You jump out boom boom boom you take five shots that were meant for five other people, right?

And as you're bleeding out in pain and people are billing the shooter You just you just you just arm the shooter and you just go It's not his fault It's not his fault. He had a tough life and then you're dead You would be the greatest if you go it's not his fault He had a tough life and people would be like, I don't even know how to handle this kind Yeah, I got one. I got one that you guys probably also out of the fantasy where it's like you're at a diner There's like a table of black guys. They're talking too loud. You stand up and just fucking start whaling

Yeah Shooting I think you just pass the ball to a fucking autistic kid. He just rains threes You know, that's you got a lot of hits. He's just fucking nailing threes, dude. Those autistic kids can shoot Actually That was hot as a pistol that day The way you could do it is is You just arm the shooter. Yeah. Yeah, you just arm the shooter and say everybody and everybody goes You're a hero and you go no, I'm not this kid is and then you hand the

The glory to an autistic kid or something. You go this kid's a hero and everybody cheers that kid And then you just kind of walk off then you're good, dude. Yeah walk off. Yeah, and then you extort the kid for money Then you just get online and cyber cyber bullion into a into a shooting of his own We should probably wrap this thing up, right? What are we looking like? Yeah hour 19 But you got a lot of cuts to make there. Oh, yeah, never mind. Let's fuck it. Keep it rolling Oh, yeah, we had a little bit of a we need a sandwich after this. Would you make one? Come on, Joe, please Pop it up. We'll pay you money. Pop it up. You know, I've got to cut my thing right now, dude, negotiate You're gonna show up your cards

Joe be a friend. That's all right. That means I bet the sandwiches will be better. Oh, yeah drinking a little you'll be like I'm gonna take some chances on that job. It's nice You're making nice Italian nice Italian. What's the one with the cherry with the cherry the cherry peppers like they have in The Philadelphia on the eastie. I don't like the names today. She flipped Joe. Yeah, she flipped Joe I know you don't want to hear this. You're trying not to look at me then the names are gay though Huh? The names of your sandwiches are gay. I don't use gay as an adjective like that, dude How would you describe it? What do you use gay for like not sounds? Are you like, are you like gay? I use it for happy. I'd be great to start using gay as that

Gay means happy Try that in public. Try that when you go on the fucking tonight show like we're having such a gay time here See how far it gets you I will. I will. Jimmy founds a good dude, man. Oh Why do you say that? What's the joke there? Just to be like you're calling jimmy. He's like, he's gay Jimmy found your gay. I've always thought you're gay as fuck. You're so gay dude. I watch the show all the time. You're fucking gay And it's like, hey, don't curse like you're right. Look how gay you are keeping it about to not curse it include everybody

To me founds gay. What a great fucking title for this So gay We don't need that. I always thought you're incredibly gay. I heard he's very nice Yeah, most gay guys are He's he's been boozing. I think he drinks a little Really He was cool, but he was like he definitely gets a little he definitely got a little like Palsy

Whoa He was pulling your pigtails The one joke I remember Jimmy found when he popped into the store before he was at tonight's show He was like earliest s and l and he came with sobel and he was like, uh, this is one joke He did I remember and he goes, uh, you know, so I try to pump my gas I put 20 dollars in and it goes like 1990 1990. I do one. I do 92 1993 so the one I pay I go here's 1991 That was it classic. Yeah, and then he got and then he put his hands on joe and he titties joe. Did he go up on you?

No, no, he was cool. He was cool. He was just rough. He likes the rough house a little He wasn't rough house. I mean like we got shit faced and he just kind of kept me at like You got nice eyes It was that kind of actually it was exactly like drinking with shame It was the same thing Yeah, it was the same thing. It was what you do when you drink. I like this guy Truly life today's episode is brought to you by truly Seems cool. I already is very nice of people. Yeah

I don't like when he impersonates neil young that's that's something I take offense to I never saw that I've been calling. It's pretty offensive. I've been calling billy with some neil young's really because it matt's brother bill We make fun of him for being gay. Yeah Matt's brother. He's he's big. He's pretty. I like to call him because he drives a truck So he's he always answers. So I'll call him and do a neil young. I got a nice neil young going About just fucking him I forget. I forget what it was What is this like? What's when you what tune is it that's it?

Stuff like that And then there's that one too. Thanks You can do it. It's easy. Oh, yeah, it's so easy. That's a great neil young. It's one of the easiest ones. Yeah Give me another bar. Give me another bar I've been in bill's ass I sucked on his dick Oh I've been a minor in bill's ass hole

He loves it he gets a kick out of it It's fun to do call it calling bill and singing gay stuff. You're making a trucker's day, dude That's it. Ain't a trucker with some gay neil young on the road, dude. He's like, I ain't gay It's the best part for the song, dude. We're all with it bill. Yeah, come on bill. You like gay stuff. Yeah Can you do a neil you can do a neil young? You know, definitely. Okay, you good at impressions. Well, I heard that australian earlier That was awesome. That was a great australian. Yeah, it's generous. Um, no the only one I ever had was was uh, owen wilson But everyone it's such an easy one to do. Let's hear it. Let's hear owen wilson Completing the suicide uh completing the suicide. Yeah, he tried to kill himself. Yeah, wasn't that owen wilson did

There's a wedding crashers Yeah, the bowl was too dark, dude There's right before wedding crashers. Oh Wow That was his rebound because he uh, yeah, he was like, I'm reading don't kill myself books I mean, if I'm gonna do it, it's gonna be in like a place like Maui or a while. Yeah How do you try to kill yourself? Yeah, that's first of all me and homeboy here. We need to sort some stuff out It's pretty good. That's great

That's all right How do you try to kill himself? I don't know Yeah, can we see I'm reading don't kill myself. What? Oh, so, oh, so he's having fun. Yeah They both oh, that's true. That's the movie. Oh, that's right. It was a risk thing. Yeah True Luke is my favorite He's done nothing with his life. I know he's so good. Yeah He's all he does is he knows that he's so good at being like a quietly frustrated man

Like he's so great in every movie Luke is so good. Wait. Why? Yeah, Luke's so good. Old school old school old school Idiocracy are great. And you know, it also was pretty good that that horror film vacancy. That's like a bad Wait, hold on. How do you try to kill himself? Yeah Huh? He slid his wrist and took pills. Yeah, it took a bunch of pain. Damn. Oh, that's a guy who wanted to do it There's no like, uh, you know, he got party. Maybe he partied. What kind of pills? Yeah, true. What kind of pills? What kind of pills

It's the kind that make you cut your wrist. Maybe it was just on something. Yeah, he was on one, bro Joe you crazy it probably didn't say I would think those guys don't try again if you took viagra It would definitely and then you cut your wrist it would it would Honestly, if you took too much viagra, I think you would have a heart attack. I'm serious. Yeah, you have to cut your dick Yeah, well, I think yeah, I think if you they say if you get like I think it's called a preaprism When like your boner won't go down. They tell you to slit your wrist if you're if you're in dire straits Just

Well, you're not gonna run into that problem Joe That's all you did today in the bathroom you saw his penis in there. How was it? I could see you had a good penis. Oh, I could see you had a big floppy. Yeah. Yeah, he didn't work it up I was kind of shoving it back. It looks like it would be like very soft. It's still floppy And shoving it back up into my pussy It was a nice head for sure the head was mostly head like a tip like a nice fat Do you have to splint it in do you create the finger splint and feed it? I cut talking about big dust big dick stuff. Yeah, like uh split it open. Let the pee fall out

You know what I have to do to make my dick going what? Lean forward I was just making a dick joke. Yeah, you guys talking about big dick stuff talking about little dick stuff Yeah, I got a fucking hog dude. It's uncomfortable. Really? Yeah, it's a problem Does it change things between you and people and they find out about it? Yeah, dudes have a problem with me more So I try to like keep it under wraps And then chicks, you know, they won't leave me alone. Yeah, how big is your penis? It's not about that It's more about mass and like power He's got a big yeah

Art's got a cock in the truest sense of the word. He's a coxman. Yeah, he's got a cock I'd like to downplay it, but it's like, you know, yes, it's jordan. How you go to the basketball? I can't be like, you know, we're like stop. You're one of the best, you know Lamont jordan is a buddy of mine played over at uh Francis, how do you feel about being in second place in the dick contest? It's the only reason I upplayed mine I feel good. I feel good about my chances. Yeah, I feel like you got a nice hog on you That's what I said. Yeah, I would think so. What's your tuft like though? Is it red? Oh, yeah

Yeah, well big dick on a red It is tough. Look like fucking little orphan Annie's fucking afro Ron Weasley's goatee It's tough to sing in hard knock life from People always ask me that they're like does the the carpet match the drapes. That's the thing. That's what they said Yeah, I'm like, why what who has drapes or carpet. All right. Well, where are we talking about here, Francis? I don't say this. I swear to god. I'm not saying this to bust your balls It are our ginger

I wouldn't call you ginger. You're almost a blonde strawberry blonde Are your pubes almost translucent? I feel like when you get down to the pubes on with the hair color like yours They're almost like see-through or reflective like fishing like fishing string if you rustle limit Yeah, like fishing string. It's phosphorescent. Uh, no It's like diving under a wave in an algae bloom, you know Yes, right Yeah, right. Yeah, you catch her in a jar and you bring them home and you're like, oh, they twinkle. They twinkle No, they're uh, it's it's it's it's redder here than than here

Really because these don't get sunlight. Can I get a good look? You can show me your bush I'm pretty trim right now I thought I was going to have sex with my girlfriend today Dude, his body is no It's a little bit of chest hair too. It ends right where Francis had a landing You know shame You look pretty gross. You look ridiculous. Remember the atel joke The atel joke when he he would talk to

There's a redhead walking through the crowd to sell her and he goes, excuse me miss and she goes yeah He goes, how long do we need to date before you felt comfortable with me calling you clown pussy? She's like, I'm just eating upstairs Don't let her go to the bathroom We would say fire bush Francis's dick root was crazy Oh, he's getting another Dick va dude, you saw that. Yeah, dude. There's uncomfortable

No, hack it off First place So I think in that is the the pubes of the horns You guys got in the ring. We got in the ring. Got the horns. No, there were no horns. Yeah, don't get mad at the bull Just a fucking trimmed out. He's a sleek torso. Oh, oh, that was too sleek. Yeah. He was arousing for us. Did you shave up? No, I go with the grain but at some point when you get to the base, you gotta you gotta come from the other side Do you shave your balls too? Yeah, no

It's a tough one to get to though. Look when you have orange pubic hair Listen to me people describe orange hair as a as a shock of red hair If you had hair that was legitimately described as a shock people you would do what you could and they're straight too, aren't they? They're straight. They're straight. They're totally straight. Are you kidding me? Straight hairs. Oh, that was a good joke. Okay Francis, my bigger question is What happened after you killed the elders in your town? Destroy him. Destroy him. I don't even get it, but I laugh because I wanted to show to the gorge, but you look like Malachi

Who's your older references? You're an old man Yes, Francis There must be a king of a reference of a movie that you might have heard of Well, you don't laugh at it, you fucking Francis Fair enough, fair enough. This one's pretty funny on all our parts Oh boy Real harsh stops. Yeah, man. Well, I like it harsh stops. Hang out time. It's good. Hang bro

episode 470 You guys don't want to do a shot together? Yeah, up what? Strawberry liqueur Oh Well, you can do whiskey if you want. I said strawberry liqueur. Yeah, all right Are you guys on board? Washington. Yeah, I'll do a shot at tequila. Can we do a shot at tequila? You know mad, you don't have to mad son. Hey, why are you guys one of those sandwiches? Why can't we have the sandwiches they can't have the sandwiches

Is there any do you throw them out if you don't have any leftover do you give them? Is it like is it like vaccines? We have to chuck them in the garbage because There were never any sandwiches What it's just the thing we've been saying to people. No, we have no sandwiches. No, I've seen them There's no way you came up with all those gay names for a joke The eastie. This is the That'd be nice. Finally now some good ideas Where was that?

Dude, can you do a sketch where you do where you do uh, uh dating on the spectrum and just you just I completely like yourself Yes We talked about me going on the australian love on the spectrum and being like my friends signed me up for it I'm like, I don't know why I'm on this thing And then they're like you want to play twitch while we're waiting for our food. I'm like, yeah Every single thing they're like, you want to look at dinosaurs? I'm like, yeah, I love dinosaurs It's uh, it's the best show ever. Well, it's number two. There it turns out. There's a better one All right, so this one is

Love the number one show is called the specials and it's about a house full of people with down syndrome in england They're partying. They're having fun. Number two is Uh, love on the spectrum. It's on netflix. It's about australians with autism dating each other in front of cameras Okay, and it's great and somebody Submitted you for this you're saying. No, that would have been a joke. Yeah. Okay. Okay Someone didn't actually submit me for it. No, no, but I'm saying like the rub But you were like, no, I wouldn't do that. And then you were like, I'll play twitch

Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I got you. Yeah, just slowly realize that It rules we all unite on to do that There was one a reality show that came out about about deaf people during um, sort of dating and stuff Did you see that one? No, that sounds funny. It's like deaf you. I think it was called There's deaf people fucking it was called shut the fuck up Cut that part up Those are more of that Yeah, so they were deaf and dating there was a there was a college. It was cool. They're all they're signing everything and it's uh,

You know, it's fascinating. There was one guy who was only half deaf And so everyone else would be giving their Interviews or whatever and they would be signing and then there'd be subtitles and then this guy would would speak As if to flex that he was not completely hearing impaired. What does half deaf means like? You're gonna be like, I'm fully I'm not one of you fucking read darn pussies. There you go. I'm here again ass Damn it. Oh You got pickleback chasers Come on. This is a mistake

I'm not pouring myself a chaser. I just was thirsty or whatever. I'm gonna pour myself a chaser. She brought chasers. Oh nice. Oh really? Thank you, Matthew. Oh problem, bro Thanks. Wow the stand rules. This is a rule. This is the most Ari has ever acknowledged my existence This oh, you have to this won't happen again. Let's go back to america Absolutely This is the best podcast of my life Cheers Really, I thought I was good. What kind of was it? I thought it was good. I was just

Yeah, I like how you were few to say the name of it No, that's fine. Joe I was I um when I met you you were a lot thinner I Was yeah, and what's amazing to me is that I've watched you chain smoke cigarettes And one would think that that would make your skin look bad and yet your skin is immaculate stressed out That's exactly my thought you've expanded to push the wrinkles out of your face. Yeah. Yeah I don't other shit. Honestly. Honestly said I ate the elders in my town. Yeah, that's for earlier. Francis Francis I can't I can't argue with you. I can't argue with you. I was on the zoom the other night my friend and uh

She goes, oh my hair is getting gray and I go really I go I don't know what I'm doing, but I go it's nothing's having an effect You know, I I should be withered at this point. Yeah. No, you look great. No wrinkles are kicking in Hair still curly and full. Yeah. Yeah, you do something with that hair. You keeping it. He moses it I'll do shit with this. Yeah, we do I'll do shit with this. Oh, come on. I'm trying to say you have nice hair. Yeah, you know what I do with this hair Right aid shampoo, dude. That's it. That's it. You're leaving something in there. That's right. It's shiny No, I use a product, but I don't want product use product on your hair. What is it? Uh sea salt spray

the blue bottle I get it on amazon, so I don't know the name of the product But I use a sea salt just hammered in the morning spraying sea salt I gotta go make some sandwiches I got a hair chain. I get a hair kid a grenade glass Oh, man, I love the roses I love call I call him. He's always sad. It's great. We're both always hungover Yeah, it's nice. It's like we gotta cut this out, man

Shane's another dude that people say like, uh, he's a he might be a dick. He's this he's this I've never heard anyone say that about him. He calls it. No, people say it all the time. I was like, well, you and I say it the But no, he'll call me in the morning and he'll be like, what's up, dude? And I go, nothing. What's going on? He goes, just call and check on you, dude. Are you good, dude? Like, well, that's because you were sad this whole year Like you guys are the best guys. I fucking know And I love it. You guys are just the best thing of the mile ever Let's remember the second of my forever

I gotta drop dead later at the end of this episode, there'll just be an in memoriam Can we do a jump up and take a fight? Yeah, we did it. Uh, we did one of the funniest things I've ever heard. We did an apartment crawl in LA when I lived in LA and uh, I go It was like christmas. We no no listen. This is really funny. We did an apartment crawl in LA I get christmas and I go guys we need to do this every year. This is so special And then Pete Holmes goes Joe died later that day Me and Pete Holmes on the same page

It's just name dropping. Yeah, big doggy. That's how you say young. Okay, big doggy me and Dave Navarro. We're fucking What a weird one He went to like he just as he was saying it he was like which celebrity which celebrity and just Dave Navarro through in there me and tignatara Powerhouse We went to christa leah's house. Whoa, dude shots at the LA comics. Is that how you feel? Yeah, how you feel about the LA guys dude speaking of shots Me and fucking tignatara. We're doing shots. Yeah. Yeah with joe rogan

I've been listening to leah's podcast pretty good. Really? I haven't he's funny. He still does it. I love his podcast Delia Oh, it's all he talks about. What's that shots with the charges now the charges No, he talks about the charges brought against him It's like three hours a night. It's pretty good. Does he actually talk about it? I don't listen. I'm just kidding Me and f marie They're brian de palma's house with christa leah tignatara I

What happened I saw f marie abraham play shylock, uh, the jew that's his name in um Oh, uh, merchant of venice and brought in on on stage. It was really good. Nice Really? Yeah, somebody's like who's titty fucking and she reached into her pocket. She's like, here's one Man, man, you got any tight celeb stories Other than sharing the mic with the celeb. Yeah, this is it. Let me tell I'm gonna be talking about this later We're going back to the bars in delco. I mean With michael ritchards

Once yeah, yeah, it was in front of me in line in her most of beach at a starbucks And I was like just fucking dad for mouth. I just nodded to him. I didn't really meet him That from out. Yeah, no, you honestly are you never saw those I hope you're already looking up crack house pictures of dad from out. No, he's on his phone. Texan. He's fucking around Trying to get pussy because he's texting his other open mic buddies saying you guys aren't gonna believe who's down here Joe de rosa and tig nataro Oh, there's there's like there's like actual real photos

Of the dad for mouth and a crack house before he died No, what he's dead. Yeah, he died right after starbucks. All right. What's this guy's name? Really? I promise you're a producer No, what's this guy's name? Mild mannered nope, that's not it max right max right I This picture of a crack and he's about to he's about to kiss it dude. Dude. What the fuck? Oh, he was having fun in a crack house What's going on bottom right who the fuck got in there and took those pics to his gay partner left and then

He's a happy partner. Sure. Yeah And then the two exchange the smoke. Oh, there's some other guy comes in and just takes his clothes off immediately That's a part that's a fucking Well, that's such a fucked up That's such a shitty thing to do to somebody after they die is be like, you know, look at them being gay and doing drugs Just let the man die Damn, they brought a they brought a bull into the next star That's it. Damn. Look at that. That's such a funny like comic book layout too. It is of that storyline. It's like stanhope

It's like stanhope And he Historically was so against alf and they were like after the last episode he walked up the set and didn't talk to anybody He was like, I'm I'm above this That's what's so funny about it to me. Yeah, you know, but yeah, I think they call him alf star where I'm like, alf is the star He's just on alf Shocking sliver. Who was it? Was it foley that's ran into philip seymour Hoffman? Yes, dude So he saw philip seymour philip seymour Hoffman on heroin like riding his bike in new york and foley was like yo phil

He said he just kept pedaling He had his arms down. He had his arms down. No, age fully age Hank He had like his arms. He said he said he had his arms straight down. It was just pedaling No, like clearly on heroin and he was like yo phil I was with joyan grigioni one night. We were going to a diner in new york. You were running count of name drops I haven't heard of It's so annoying. We're going to a day drop you. Are they like I was Anyway, we're going to a diner to get dinner one night and we we what we saw a taxi cab crash into a

Scaffolding and the scaffolding crashed It was one of the worst accidents I've ever seen It was insane a kid stumbled out of the back of the cab covered in blood and we like helped him because we were like Dude, are you okay? Like what do you need? And we were off machia. No I swear to god. We were standing there watching joyan was like, we're giving rock cider a special We were standing there watching the whole thing. He's about to cuck you dude. Oh my god We were standing there watching the whole thing unfold

And a crowd was gathering and all of a sudden philip sumer hoppin wrote up on his 10 speed And I looked at joyan and she goes only in new york Amazing that yeah, he had the ability to count the gears on his bike. I I don't Got him. I told you Francis is a mother. I'm sorry, joe. I love you. I don't stop The uh, it wasn't a great story, but it was why it was weird. No, it's a great story So it's more often to found an accident and you watched philip see more often Like ingest an accident

You have an enemy now, frances is going to be angrily jerking off your pictures for like three years psycho Blowing his face and knock him out. Yeah, frances is a psycho That's why I roll with him. This is my squad. I know this guy's willing to kill Francis is my number one hit hit people Fucking nuts Francis hates your guts Fuck that they were boys

Yo, you know, we're boys We're fucking dude, I'm gonna do that. There was a there was a comic here last night that hates me I'm not gonna name. Oh, I know who I don't don't don't don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that at all because these people are psychos one of them emailed Uh, please whoever's listening this don't email anybody that I've Ever don't email anybody in my life. Anyone who listens to pacas. Why don't you even have emails? It's uh, you're not the crowd. I appreciate the sentiment though

She forwarded me the email. I appreciate the sentiment he was trying to someone hit someone hit someone hit up an x What? Oh god, wait what to try to fuck her. No to try to be like you should have No, he wasn't Well, I don't it's only gonna encourage more of it. So I don't want to do that I'll tell you what encouraged more of it when you said hey fans. Don't email this lady Don't email any of my family members or relationships. Wait, what were you gonna bring up some chick who hates you? Oh, yeah Yeah, that's what we want to hear. Fuck I forget what I was gonna say You remember now that we brought it up again. No, no, but just exactly how it just

Yeah, I'm gonna do that to her. That's what I think I was gonna do I'm gonna see her and be like, you know, you know, we're fucking boys, right? Because I tried to do that to her like 12 times. We're boys to the end last night over No, no, no, they'll figure it out to me under the table. I won't say don't worry about it We'll tell you after because it's gonna be a problem text to me We're gonna have to delete it if they find out to me under the table. I won't say because they'll all I'm at her on Twitter. You can delete it if I say anything. I will not say anything. I just want to know right now Text to me on the table. Yeah. No, no, don't do it. We're gonna end in fucking

Oh, true. Yeah, he's drunk. He's gonna tell me. Look trust an egyptian with shit with information. Are you nuts? You taking orders from him? Do it. I'm not taking orders. Oh, well now you put it like that Yeah, I'm gonna tell him. Do what I have to say after. Both of you guys are fucking idiots Anyway, what I'm gonna say to her next time is you know, you know, me are fucking you guys you and me are fucking boys I'm gonna get a hammer to get in there. Fuck just in her drill I said he hates me This lady Oh, we're not done yet, um, write it on his leg. But yeah, I saw her last night

Yeah, just just do like write spell it on his back like touch his back in the letter I even got off. I even got off stage and I was like, I got off stage and I was like, you're gonna do great and she was like I was trying I kept fucking whether I kept being like Yo, hey, how are you? I was trying so hard to be like, yo, what's up? And she's just like no It was that bitch joy bay That fucking whoopee golberg Francis how bad for real though real talk no, yo real talk no no cap right now

How bad would you Beat the fuck out of dorosa like what would you do to him if he broke into your house tonight if dorosa the cat burglar Do you like the egyptian thief that he is if you tried to he tried to rob one of your grandparents tombs Like a true egyptian he tried to rob your grandpa's yeah, he was just drawing like an eyeball If he brought scarabs to your house, what are those? What's a scarab? I don't like a big beetle. Yeah, what if you started drawing like uh Hieroglyphics in your pay he spray painted a fucking yeah, but like the mean ones, you know, yeah What would you do if you caught him spray painting hieroglyphics? I would um like a dude with an alligator head

Francis don't buy into this Come on. No, dude. You gotta defend your parents house. I know I know thank you. It's your parents What did you do involved in that if I saw joe dorosa spray painting spray painting hieroglyphics In my parents house Inside because the fumes might get them. You're like, man, I did not know this guy You caught him in the act I didn't know he had this in him. You're looking down for the second floor of your parents house and you see him I'd immediately flanks and when you because I know it's gonna be a soft landing so

Oh He said he's gonna jump on you from the second floor to be a soft landing It would be though No, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna indulge in this garbage Like a man I met um Harrison Ford once that was oh, yeah Oh, wait, listen to this. This is crazy. Yeah, listen how rich listen to how rich this guy was uh, I was nine nine years old Yep, and uh, my mom went to college with a woman. What college shoot Princeton There's the first class of women at Princeton. My dad went to clarion

I've never heard of it I Really is Your dad went to Sphinx high school Got him Yeah, God, he's had don't make me put Francis back on you Francis a whale on you Oh

It's so funny Shane eat snack well's desserts, you know what I mean? He's got a cupboard full of I mean I'll tell you what I did the ultimate mistake is going I didn't go to The funniest I know what's gonna happen now. It's just a nice reddit rumor that I It's so funny Yo, all right, I'll stop hold on dude. I did I have gone to zumba a couple times nice uh O'Connor discovered A certain subreddit where they make fun of a certain podcast today and it's the funniest

Like he got on there was like it's so funny knowing there's just a subreddit of like 20 000 dudes that are just constantly hateful Oh, yeah It's like a 50,000 gloriously funny It's so funny and it's like maybe the fighter than the kid is actually great because of what they spawned this creative environment True Perhaps there you go. What's a new good way to look at it? Oh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. My mom went to college with a woman who Years after they and left college ended up marrying the king of jordan king hussein

Okay, her name was lisa halby the guy who beheaded your parents Jordan was always uh allied with all the Yeah, um And I know exactly where israel had to come down It was gonna be like, you know hentler was a good guy Also, but israel gave them what for your people just butt-fucked his people Oh, they tried to start shit and you guys seven days war

Said no every war. How about every war? Yeah, you guys rocked them. He's one sided a bunch of dorosis came running across the field He came at us with chariots and we're like You don't want that shit. Yo, bro, you know, we're fucking boys Yo, what the fuck so your mom's friend became a princess Uh, yeah, mom. Oh queen queen the queen of jordan. Yeah The queen and then they had kids and well, anyway, the whole point is when they went and filmed, uh, the last crusade And he and the john's last crusade probably the film that at In jordan that scene in the end where they go into the temple. It's called petra

Like a landmark a historic landmark car. They carved shit into a fucking wall Giant temple like three-story temple into the fucking mountain. Damn. That's Doros's ancestors It used to be Yeah, yeah Like a stop for people who are going across the desert to like fuel up basically Um, and in order to get that they had to get the permission from the king Obviously, and then he was into it spielberg spielberg was was the director And so they were like he was going out of the film set every day and he became good friends with Harrison Ford

We went to their 25th wedding anniversary in england. I was nine years old And this is at the time of last crusade. It was after like but not far after he had yeah And he had maintained his friendship with uh, With the king and so I like I was young and we were sitting there at the table And this helicopter comes over the house this massive mansion lands in the garden And outsteps Harrison Ford who had been flying the helicopter With the king of jordan. They were just taking a joy ride. Yeah, and they came up and sat at this table with us and I

Ended up talking to him for like and then we went and planted a tree together. He talked to indiana jones playing a tree And i'm nine years old. I'm freaking out dude, and he's still like Han Solo Dude, he's young. Yeah indiana jones shape. Yeah. Yeah, right. This is not wrinkled You know gravelly It was the best like celebrity thing I could have Awesome when I was nine years old and and then we and there's pictures of us like walking

He me and harrison walking through the gardens together like planting this tree to commemorate their 25 years of marriage So you you were like you and indiana jones had like a michael jackson mccollie colkin thing Just about and and there's one last piece and this is the best part Uh at the end of this like whatever dinner the he ended up Getting a piece of the royal jordanian official stationary And he wrote a note to me and he goes to francis. May the force be with you always harrison fort Yo, i still have that harrison fort is definitely trying to fuck you. How great is that? I have that letter. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, i don't have a frame, but i show joe the picture

Because joe's like a fucking huge dork for this shit. Why would it not be framed? Why would you not frame that? That's why would you know what indiana jones was based off of Egyptian grave robbers No, it's based off of the guy who went to study. I think it was like zoroastrianism. Oh, yeah Yeah, he was like parent. It was this paranoid guy who pulled guns on everyone He went to india He's pulled guns on everyone really and that's what it was like. It's a frenchman. He was just fucked up Wow, that's sick, dude. What?

What? Dude, where's his other hand? I see it. I like to look at it. Man. I love young francis. Yeah, man. He was a little snack. He was a little strawberry shortcake I'm gonna like it because you like that. Oh, it's his own thing You know that's his phone, right? Just comment the n-word I was commenting. I rule I'll leave the like though. I do like it. You got to get in that frame. I know I know

Yeah, and it's got the emblem in the seal call him up right now really quick. Call him up. Do you have his number? No fast forward, uh, like I don't know 12 or 14 years. He's gone through puberty Now the king has passed away of jordan and so she's now the queen mother She's no longer the queen because obviously they're the son became the king. Oh shit and um And I'm seated at a table for her their 60th birthday for the queen's 60th birthday. We're at the same estate in ascot england And now I'm like 25 whatever and I'm sitting next to princess iman Their daughter who was named one of people magazines 25 hottest royals under 25

And I'm hitting on her all night and we're like drinking and I'm like man. This is going great Like firing off jokes. I asked her if she wants to go for a walk in the gardens very princely We go out to the fountains and I lean in to kiss her and she backs away and she goes. What are you doing? Oh my god, and I was like, oh my god. I'm sorry. I just totally misread this She goes if my brothers see you try to do that, they'll kill you destroyed her honor You're not arab And I was like, oh my god, and they meant it her her brothers, uh prince abdallah and

Hashem were uh right there up on the like dance floor or whatever. They almost jumped down and squashed. Well, they didn't see us But like I didn't think that I was I was just like lead you on like that I know But it i'm so glad I tried. I'm so glad I tried. You could have been a friend. I took a shot at kissing a princess No, that was a test dude. They weren't testing your metal. You're like, no, but I'm better than an arab That's that yeah, I'm glad I I'm glad I laid it on the line though. Did you think I was jewish? I That's pretty cool. That's crazy. Man. I'll be just fill up some more hoppin story

That's every every once in a while like francis from like I hate to be that this is the hackiest thing You can say when someone's like in comedy from but dude, you're a loser What do you mean you went to harvard? You were eating you knew harrison ford. You were at like a royal dinner and you're like, I'm gonna go to this open mic night Yeah, and you know what must be sad for you guys That i'm doing pretty well Because I wanted to prove to you bums that even if someone who doesn't need it can still succeed You don't have to be a dick. I'm being i'm kidding. You don't have to be like that. I shouldn't have said it

This is like a mario batali. We're going working at mcdonald's like, what are you doing? Yeah, this is my i'm having more fun here than I ever did with princess iman, you know Harrison ford. It's like you're coming to america wishes. She could be here. Yeah She got divorced shortly. She got married and then shortly divorced really She went to sandhurst texter, dude, which is the british, uh, like navel academy army academy shane's brother got into there I got in no, it was me. I got in you got west point the fuck dude. You gonna disrespect me on this thing He's a fucking trooper. I'm a troop. You're what you're a troop. Yeah, technically. Yeah troops You know, it's funny anytime we talk about people are like

Shane used to shut the fuck over like dude. I know it was a failure. Yeah, you got in the west bank Did you leave when I went I went for three weeks and you quit when the bmi let in let in as soon as I Yes, as soon as I saw women. I was like man, you really went to west mcdonald's Yes, and they're like you fuck in your face like hey, dude. That's not cool. That's actually exactly what happened They started yelling at me and they're like, where the fuck are you going? I was like i'm going home They're like, don't do that, dude Yes, oh, yeah, they changed the tune immediately. They're like, dude. It's not so bad Damn, I should do that on stage

If I don't get a joke while i'm like, i'm leaving. I'm gonna leave this job like, no, no, come on. Come on. Come on Someone in the crowd would be like, oh, please. Come on, man. Start packing your bag I'm going home Yeah, all right. Well, I think we've reached joe you you about sobered up yet. Oh, shit Huh? You fucking drunk Oh, fuck you Look, that's the that's the eyes. I want I want a couple drinks in you. I want to side eyes. He's right by you

Pass it hound I Joe, you want a lady? You want a lady? Oh, pick lady apple. No All right, you're good Wow Yeah, let's watch Hey, man. Hey, hey joe Damn, it's like starting a food fight. Oh, fuck, dude Damn, dude

All right. Yeah, stop this. This is done We've had enough you ruined it. You can't be throwing apples. This isn't fucking rampas time. Oh, yeah