Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 373 - Strictly Business (feat. Chris O'Connor)

Episode Date: December 7, 2021

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Chris and Tommy @ patreon.com/stuffisland Lez goooooooooooo. The D.A.W.G.Z. are back with the O'Conn Man, host of the Stuff Island Podcast w/ Tommy Pope. Topix include Shane's ideas for his comedy routine, everyone's secret dreams, and saw mills. We're comin' at you from all angles. MIGDONAL. 

It's time for the podcast. What's going on, bro? Matt, we're here with Stuff Islands, half of Stuff Islands, Chris O'Connor. McDonald's. I do like McDonald's, although I've been on a Taco Bell. Chris, if you ain't a chick like Chris, is that. Taco Bell. Was that an order from the Cantina when I pulled up?

No, that that is I got just a bacon and cheese this morning. Last night, you're on a strict bacon and egg and cheese diet. And he's half the bacon egg and cheese. And I saved the other half for later. And then later in the afternoon, munch, munch on a bacon egg and cheese. Yeah. And it's usually unless Tommy sneaks in and grabs it. What are your scoops? Stuff. And he always has the same excuse.

He goes, I thought you were going to eat it. Watch out. And now we talked about how to come out and bang you up. How are your bowel movements? Dude, you know what? I've been hanging out with a lady recently and I've been I like, I guess I've just been farting without thinking about it. I love how your bowel movements revolve around being around a girl.

Which is very sick. No, no, because you start hanging out with a lady. You got to you got to, you know, time them out there and ask, oh, you know, dude, first date, I took a dump. I go, I tell her that I'm going to the bathroom to fart. Dude, you have to just you have to be like, I'm taking a shit. I'll be right back. Yeah. First day. I did the first time I went in the apartment.

I was like, hold up. I came out like 11 minutes. Hold up, little mama. Hold up, little mama. I got the motherfucking bubble guts. I had the bubbly guts. That's the strongest thing you can do on a first date. Take a shit. Just say, pardon me.

You take your napkin, put it back on the table and say, I have to excuse myself. It's been going off like a half an hour. Yeah, at least a half hour. Don't even shit. Just look at your phone. And then come back out and say, oh, I did that. I took a hard. You took a dump. Day two. Day two.

Also evaded the question. How are your bowel movements? They're good. I have a pretty consistent every once in a while. I get one that's a little messy fucked up. Well, could you demonstrate a log with your hand? What kind of logs you working with? Solid logs, broken.

Yeah, solid logs. Yeah. Get a crumbled pillar. I have a couple where I have to like stand up. It's so long. Sometimes it looks like ancient. Chrome. Yeah, it looks like ruins, dude. Absolute ruins.

Wait, where are we just making fun of poor countries for being in ruins? I could have sworn we were making fun of like Mexicans for living in ruins. Go back to your ruins. Wasn't us. All right. Pretty funny, though.

Well, I must have been being racist somewhere else. It would be nice if America had more ruins. I'd like to go. Well, we do. We just have destroyed our ruins. Yeah, we did. We just built on top of it. And they weren't built out of the most durable material.

They're built. Our ruins are built out more out of like sticks and shit. Yeah. Well, we have that one. Isn't there like the Pueblo people they built into the careful to the rock? Careful, Chris. Hold your horses.

Pull up. That's rude. We have a Plymouth Rock. That's, you know, yeah. This is the rock. That was the rock that was there. Yeah. Yeah, we don't have like Stonehenge like like dolmens

and stuff. We got some mounds down south. True. Some Indians were piling dirt. True. Nice work, dumbasses. Nice going morons. A snake mound.

Don't we have those? Yeah, we have those like, yeah, like hill type things. What is it called when they do a flat? Actually, it's called a hinge. Like Stonehenge is it's not just the rocks. They flatten. They completely flatten the area. Oh, nice.

They tamp it. So it's like a circle. Yeah, and they tamp it up. So it's like a totally artificially flat circle image. People don't give the landscape the credit. Everyone's worried about this thing stick. How they got it all that shit up there. If people don't remember about the hinge part of Stonehenge,

do you? Yes. Right. It's a lot of dirt. That's about the negative space. Exactly. Yeah, look into that, dude. Why don't you start looking into that, Chris?

Dude, a nice hinge. I will. I want to get a nice hinge in my backyard. Just a nice flat, artificially flat surface. Yeah. Well, don't you have like a slab? Don't you have a concrete slab back there? I did a couple of things in my backyard.

I unearthed the concrete slab that was. You're looking for like bugs and rocks, right? No, no, I was at a level in my backyard. We're having some water. We had some water coming in. So I had to like, eye it up and see how I could divert the water. My family's really into that. My dad loves diverting water via landscaping.

Really? Oh, dude, our basement used to be gushing, dude. That is cool as hell. The closest I've come is sand castles, but that's always a very enjoyable moment when you dig out a little tunnel for the water. It's all the same thing, dude. It's all the same thing.

But yeah, we were getting big time water in our basement, and he laid some landscaping. He's really into like surveying where water's coming and how to like block it away from the house. Yeah, that's nice. A lot goes into it. I was controlling, managing water. I like managing water in the shower.

Let it run down my arm and I pointed at things. Yeah, you do. Like a, like a loogie I spit on the fucking tub and I'm like, you gotta get rid of that. I keep it lower than this. That's awesome. It is, it's a forced push. Yeah.

Yeah. Sick move. And I divert it. That's legendary. So fucking fun. That's my new move to anybody out there that wants to try to heckle me. Getting hit with that.

That's something you hear and you instantly want to steal. I could do that. You can do it. No, I'd be happy if you were in, bro. No, I'd like you to do it. Do you understand? I'd like you to do it. I think you, I don't know if I want you to do Hadouken,

but I want you to do it. Oh, you're so fucking. No, I want you to do a, who's the, who's the Marvel guy that you liked? You're talking about, we talk about from Street Fighter. No, no, I'm talking in Doctor. Oh, Doctor Strange. Yeah, I want you to.

If someone starts heckling you, you just hit him with like a. Dude, sending a fireball, someone's heckling you is the best. Yeah, like, get to the jokes. It would be nice if you spotted a guy kind of leaning on his chair and hit him with the bell.

I mean, that would be over. I might set up a plant and start putting YouTube videos out about Hadouken. Having a fake bad fall. Like, dude, that's crazy. Oh my God, guys, it's crazy. You should get, how much do you think it would cost to have security, like your own security to comedy club

who would like fucking like scared, like jack people up. Screaming people's faces. Like fuck them up. Holy fuck, that'd be awesome. It'd be a couple, it'd be a few hunch. I could give a guy 50 bucks at most clubs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, mother fuck this dude.

Yeah, yeah. If somebody talks, get in their face and be like, shut the fuck up. I'll fuck your wife. I'll fuck your wife. That'd be an easy fix. Yeah. Hit him with a couple of fucking,

maybe a huger and like 50 bucks. Yeah, give him an Adderall. Give him a fucking huger. Give him an Adderall and be like, dude, go wild on everybody. Maybe $100 and fucking 30 milligrams of Adderall to keep this thing totally contained. Just making girls cry.

Yeah. Shut up you fucking bitch. You bitch. It has to be big enough to beat up anyone's boyfriend in the room. What are you gonna do, pussy? Shut up. Get like three of them. Three giant dudes.

Fuck you. Surround the table. Just three major pains. Yes. And rain hell on anybody. Somebody orders too loud, be like, boys, destroy this fucking guy. You could do this. Yeah. Not in any funny way though.

No, no, no, no. Like I don't, I want to destroy hecklers without like wit or anything funny. No good comebacks. Just force. Pure violence. They don't kick him out. They just stand around the table and eat his food.

And who'd Adam eat his food? G here at his girlfriend. Big revolutionary war soldiers. Yes. And never stop. You have to give them quarters. They will take quarters. We'll sit down at your table and start eating. That would be, dude, I'm telling you,

you could do this and run a very tight ship. And people would be like, yo, we'll chill with that. Like if they get caught with a phone, you fucking step on it. Yeah. I wonder how much it would cost to maybe rig up some type of pulley system. So if you did hit someone with a Hadouken,

they flew to the back of the room, you know, or an elevate levitated and you force hold them. That's what I thought. Shut the fuck up. Dude, that would be so sick. You should go to Helium or wherever else and come down like from like nine feet from the ceiling on a cable.

Because you could rig yourself up. Like if they start getting you mad, you start levitating. If you were all black and they put you up in the ceiling and after the feature, like the hose comes back out, slowly descend from seven feet. You've been there the whole time. You've been a... You could do this, dude.

How dedicated are you? I'd be so happy. Would be so funny if they'd noticed me during the feature. During the feature set. Just on the roof. Like a bat, dude. You have to trick out the lighting, too. You can't be...

Descend slowly. A true vampiric entrance, dude. Oh, fuck. Oh, there's so much sick shit you could do. Yeah, if you got pulled out and I was supposed to be levitating, but I was too heavy, so my feet just dragged. You should be attached to pulling at all times. And have like your one leg lifted.

You should add like an aerial aspect to your show. Yeah, a little Cirque du Soleil type. Just occasionally like ride up a curtain. You could do this. It's what it means. Dude, you could do this. You know what we tell you? It's to run along the back wall at healing.

Oh, my god. Real crouching tiger out of nowhere. Oh, my god. Just pop all your tippy toes. Dude, that'd be so sick. If you just jumped and just fucking levitated and came down. And never acknowledged it. Just back to the show.

I mean, how much were you talking to get a little crouching tiger action? Probably not that much. I was like, shut up, dad. You just fucking ran along the walls. Would you guys rather 69 your dad or get shot in the head? Bam. Fuck. Now, that's a show.

That's a show. I want to get into showmanship, dude. You are a bit of a showman. You played the little flute. I'm tapping my toes in the water. Yes. I pied Piper myself out on stage. I actually was just talking to Matt or Chris about this.

I'm getting too much into showmanship. What are you talking about? How's that possible? Half my set, there's not even material. I'm just up there like, have you guys heard of this? Have you thought of this? Have you even thought of it? Yeah, but it's so fun.

It's fun, but it's so funny to make for a bad hour. No, just why it'll be fun. This next hour, you should go pure physical comedy, big energy, act out. Demand a lot from the crowd. I just want to demand more. I need the crowd to give me more, dude. Yeah, if you combine pulley and flute, you start playing and elevated. I mean, you could say we're talking to show.

You can genuinely save yourself the trouble of developing material, which is a little bit of fucking. Yeah, you can smash watermelons. True, you can go through. I mean, I don't know his material. I'm sure it was. I might shovel watermelons up my ass. Give birth.

But yeah, dude, all good things. Let me tell you this. This is something going on. Tell me this. A guy I know passed away two days ago and my friend texted me and he said, this guy died. And I was like, oh, shit, like it wasn't. I hadn't seen him in 15 years, but he responded.

I was like, how did he die? And he was like, I don't know, but it was sudden. I was like, that sucks. And he goes, I pray it was suicide. Now, that was a typo. He meant to say pray it wasn't. Fuck. But then I was like, I was thinking about it.

And it's like, I hope it was. Yeah, you know what I mean? Well, the shit wasn't going well. What are they died accidentally? Yeah, true. I hope he fucking had a bad time. It was like, I'm done. You're saying like rather than being hit by a bus or something.

Yeah, I hope he didn't have like a good family. Shit was going well. And he just died. Yeah. I'll be. I'll be there. Family was just like, you know what, I'm out. What's what's the criteria for this wish?

What do you mean? You're saying like you would be better than if he like things started to turn around and he died. No, I'm saying if you find out someone died suddenly. Right. Your instincts shouldn't be to be like, oh, I hope he didn't kill himself. I hope it was. A freak accident.

It's like, no, I hope shit wasn't going great. I hope he didn't enjoy life and he lost it. I hope he was like, I'm out of here. This sucks. He wasn't ripped from a beautiful life. Yeah, it was just like, nope. He got all his affairs in order. I'll be a time to write a letter and be like, dude, you know what?

This fucking sucked. I'm done. Yeah, there's a lot of them. I think we've been having a lot of people do that lately. Yeah, a lot of people kill themselves. They're they're done. Yeah, they've seen enough. They've tapped.

Dude, now I'm not pro suicide. Not at all. But it's a mortal sin. It is. It is. Go to fucking hell. You have to be beheaded. Really behead the body once they commit suicide. Is that what it is? Yes.

What does that do? Is that save them from make sure? No, it's to punish them even further. They're headless in hell. You have to chop their head off. So they're in hell without a head. What culture is that? Catholic. Yeah, really?

That's not what we're doing. No, it's just in the do it. It was just in the kingdom of heaven. Oh, I stand by Ridley Scott. Someone kills himself. You cut after dead like behead. You have to cut their head off. For the sin they sin.

They yes. Fuck, yeah. Damn, dude. Things you feel about desecrating bodies in general. How do I feel about it? Yeah. What are you talking? Give me an act.

What would what would someone have to do for you to desecrate? They're, you know, court, like cut them up, send them to different parts of the world. Like Wallace. Yeah. Probably hurt someone I love to pull all their teeth out. Probably hurt someone I love. And we don't have after you kill them,

you desecrate the body. They're dead already. But you're like, yeah, if someone just killed someone in front of me, I killed them back. I probably keep killing them once they're probably just like start destroying them. Yeah.

Just like stomp them. Even like they're dead, like get off them. And I might just stop. Yeah, stop. We're just fucking rip off their genitals. I don't know. I like what we did with bin Laden. Allegedly.

Yeah. Push them off. Just dump them into the sea. That trash is gone. Yeah, it's true. But they're never going to find it. Alleged. True.

Yeah. Like what one Polaroid of them. Yeah. Oh, wait. I don't mean to be smirked at the teams. They cut a piece off them. I don't mean the teams probably got them. Yeah.

They might still have them. Isn't there something weird with the team? Like they're the guys that were on that raid are kind of getting whacked. Really? Something like that. I don't know if that's the one. I didn't hear that.

I think they're Navy SEALs. So they're probably dying, you know. In combat. Take it easy. It's like, oh, these people keep dying. It's like they're constantly going into a bin Laden-type compound. You know the teams love it.

The teams are going to hear this. Yeah, I swear to you. The last thing you want is the teams coming down on you. Yeah, you're going to have a red dot coming through your window. You're going to have a red dot during stuff, Island. Don't make the teams not like that. The teams would never keep a red dot on both of people's foreheads.

Dude, if you and Tommy had red dots, dude, having to sniper at your comedy show would be sick, dude. You're fucking around. There's a red dot on your chest. It's like, yeah, dude. I'm an ardent supporter of the teams. Oh, for sure.

I've always been. You're saying that I love covert ops. No, I'm getting that wrong. There is definitely a movie out or like a documentary, like a spud documentary that I was shown. Yeah. That was about some type of a team getting whacked. Talking about like a Clinton body count situation.

Yes. Like they've been getting fucking. They've seen too much. There's a convenient helicopter crash. Something like that. Yeah. Maybe. It's boss.

I'm pro assassination. I think we should be assassinating more people. Just, you know, in general, world leaders, get in there, take them out. So would you like it? Would you like this? If you had your druthers, who would you like to see? I don't know.

He would like Putin dead. Yeah, let's get Putin. You want to take out Putin? Do you crazy? That's a moral victory. Chris is part of the Democratic. Here's a couple of things. The Russian boogeyman.

Have you accepted that? It's not about that. It's not about that. Have you come to turn? You guys got another big pill to swallow, about five. He'll never come to terms with the Russian hoax. We're getting our news. We're getting news from different places.

I remember we argued about this. What was that one report that got totally just crushed recently? The dossier. One of them just got completely blown out of the water. The dossier was false. Fabricated. Yeah, but not much was built on the dossier. Really?

We're not going to get into it. But the Russian hoax. Guys, let's get back. The Russian hoax is real, you're saying. Let's get back to killing Putin. OK. There's a couple of things that I think we need to do to turn this. The teams are going to hate.

No, no, no. The teams are going to fucking hate him. No, I'm coming up with good missions for the teams. Kill Putin. Yeah, I don't want to kill Putin for no dang dumb reason. What are you talking? You know how sick it would be to kill Putin? What the fuck?

If we put a good squad together and got Putin, that's a big. That's come on. Do you think our interest conflict economic? You think we have like a economic problem? This is what I'm just saying. This is what I'm saying. Why do you want countries very divided? We need to liberate Australia.

Kind of like an Iraq situation. We need a new crocodile dunk. We need a new crocodile dunk. Big incentive fucking camps. I know, dude. They're getting sent to camps. The indigenous fucking indigenous are regular people. Both all of them.

Both. But we're worried about the backs. You're basically indigenous. That's how it works. Really? Yeah, that makes sense. You got to modernize your blood fucking pale face again. No, I was close to being indigenous.

I'm more of a pale face that got adopted by the tribe. True. Because I got back. But I didn't want to. For sure. You got nobody wanted. You loved it. Yeah, they're round and up like, dude, they're taking like first

nation, dude, whatever, and just fucking locking them up. Oh my God. Anyway, so nations varied. Your boys, I think if we if we kill, let's start a war with Russia. Just anybody. Chris is such a liberal. You got to start a war, dude. Warhawk.

You start to start a colony on Mars. Do some stuff. We need an achievement. It's all bad news all the time. Yeah, we can just reopen the economy. That'd be nice. Yeah, yeah, no, I'm so we need something. We need something big and someone's got to pay the price.

We don't need the dog and pony show, bro. No, you do. We don't need the dog and pony show. You do need the dog and pony show now, bro. We just need the return. I love dogs. I love you think the return. It's going to be the return will bring us back.

He's coming back. He's coming. Forty seven. He's talking forty seven. He's talking forty seven. He's talking forty seven. He's coming back. There's no fighting.

There's no fighting him. No, this is like a real like when Jordan returned from baseball. Right now, Trump's playing baseball on Mar-a-Lago. He's going to come back, dude. Dude, he might just be a permanent fixture. Probably. He might have to come back or his son because he will. No, I don't see anyone beating him.

No demo is going to beat him, dude. Is he on Instagram? Chris, what do you think the demos have done with this country? The Dems? Yeah. What are they? How do you think they've done handling this? You know, I think that they did OK.

My girlfriend made pancakes the other day. And I cleaned it up. So I have fucking pancake batter all over this. It looks like there's just jizz. It's just a jizz, buddy. All right, what are the Dems doing? That is the more pressing issue. Right now, we need to think about pancakes.

It doesn't mean you have a lot of jizz all over me. When's the last time you had pancakes? Homemade from scratch. I make them sometimes. They made them. It's too long. Phenomenal. Too long.

Would you bisque work? No, she made like she got the shit to make them. Yeah, eggs, butter. Yeah. Oh, how do you make it? I have no idea. I wasn't in there. Sugar?

I have no idea what she did to make them. What is in bisque? Probably I don't know. They kind of all the shit they can sugar it. It's all like you wouldn't make it, but they just make it from scratch. Kind of tastes slightly better than bisque. But really?

Oh, yeah. Fluffier. You got you actually have eggs and some eggs and some milk to bisque and it it fluffs up. Yeah, you could. Anyway, let's get back to what the fucking Dems have done. True Chris. I want to talk about wars.

We can start to turn this country around. That's what I'm saying. I'll tell you the war is a civil war. A secret assassination. You know, do you see the feds marching on DC again? The feds are marching? Yeah. Why?

They all pretended to be white nationalists. Oh, they did. They did a little. They just hired 500 FBI agents. They started marching? Yeah. What did they do? They just held up shields.

They looked like fucking dorks. Jesus Christ. I wanted to punch them. So they came up. What were they doing? Like you can't move us or like? Something like that. I don't know.

They love shields. True. They love pretending they're like Spartans. They might get sucked by a fucking lesbian. 300 fucked us. True. That movie 300 fucked us. Why?

Got all the white nationalists thinking they were fucking Leonidas. You know, they all love shields going around. It is a Persian tale. Yeah. It is technically an Aryan tale. So yeah, I can see why they got fired up on that. Here we go now.

Now we're back cooking. They're flying. Technically. I like a sneak. I like sneaking around. You would. I don't like the shield thing. Yeah, you like kind of like.

Silenced. Like manipulating narratives and stuff. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. Jeez, man. Propaganda. I wish we could just come together.

I'm just going to come together with you on this. I wish our problem. I wish our, I just wish your people would stop fucking locking my people up, dude. What, the indigenous? Yeah. They're getting locked in Australia. Germany's fucking backing the lock up game.

Germany's wild. Are they? Locked down. They're locking down the unvaccinated. Because the Omnicron's coming, dude. Omnicron, dude. Don't fuck around about it. I heard it was bullshit.

I heard we don't know much about it. Connor, don't get this thing canceled, dude. I heard it was. Oh, now you're Mr. I heard this was bullshit. I heard it was weak. Yeah, of course it's weak. It is. Yeah.

Well, we don't know. If you read the Atlantic, it's like we don't know the details, but apparently it's really not that big of a deal at all. But it isn't a big here. Some shows you can watch. I fucking hate. What shows do they recommend? Bullshit.

I don't know. I just always bullshit. Yeah. But yeah, that's what they do. They're like, here's what we know about this. Here's what you should think. They literally phrase it like, here's what to think about this. Yeah.

They're like, it's not a big deal, but also it could be. Yeah. Check this show out on Netflix. Here's the top 25 comedians you should watch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, dude, Omnicron is going to come get you, dude.

I'm not that worried about it. Yeah. Did you get your booster yet? No, I need to. Dude, I just saw a comment. They're running New York commercials. If you haven't got if you had the Vax over two months ago, booster time, and it doesn't even have to be the same.

If you got the Pfizer, you can toss them in there in a booster. See what the fuck happens. Just toss it in. I think the NBA said J&J is gives you two months. You got to get boosted and then the other ones like six. Really? Yeah. So they give you a six month span.

I was watching. What happens? It goes. How about watching TMZ? I watched TMZ. You ever watch that? Sometimes. Yeah.

Dude, that might be the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. It's bad. TMZ is a blight, dude. If we need that, you want to talk about a mission for the teams? Clear out TMZ. All right, this is bordering on what? Calling on terrorists. No, no, no.

No, we're talking about. I want a government sanctioned execution of TMZ. I was talking about them just getting up in their face and scaring them. They're getting the teams in there. The teams scare straight before they use lethal force. What the fuck are you doing? Yeah, just toss a flashbang in TMZ.

Dude, apparently speaking of the teams, the teams might be. The teams might force pull. Yeah, that was a force pull. I'm out of frame. He's one you close. He's one you in arms of each, dude. Yeah. No, the teams tickled.

The teams might be out. Apparently, Islamic terrorism might be fading, dude. Dude, they're estimating six million Muslims are converting to Christianity every year. It's an estimate. Really? Six million Muslims are converting to Christianity. And a lot of people are a lot of people who are like taking these

guys in are saying that they had dreams of Jesus and they're just converting in like pretty massive numbers. Do you think he's returning? He might be. I told you I listened to that radio show with the anti Christ is among us. Yeah, dude. If you watched, I watched, it was like a Dinesh de Susan. I forget who the guy's name was with his podcast.

And he was just like, why are you watching Dinesh de Susan? My feed, bro. It's my feed. It's my fucking feed. Wasn't that the guy that was like locked up? I'm pardoning him. I think Trump pardoned him. Is it the night?

I might be getting it. I might be getting names mixed up now. He did some wild shit, but he's a podcast. He was a political opponent of the Dems and they literally put him in jail. Is he a pot? Is he an author to making like dumb movies and the Democrats put him in jail? Yeah, he's like an author, right? I think it's just a wild fool.

I'll have to check my feed. I'll have to fact check myself. I think it was him. Maybe someone else. But yeah, dude, he was saying that like they're estimating again. It could be false. Be saying six million a year. I mean, see now, if you found out that the US government was implanting

Christ's dreams into Jihadi's heads, wouldn't you be? Wouldn't that make you excited? Yeah, I try to get my hands on that technology. What type of dreams would you give people? I would try to get him. I just want to have Christ's dreams. I'd give everybody wet dreams of Phil. That'd be hot, actually.

Just a global. Yeah, if you could force everyone to have a wet dream of their father. That might settle everybody down. It might humble everybody, quiet everybody down. Has anyone had what's the weirdest extreme you've ever had that you never told anyone about? Yeah. To come to mind, and I will literally never divulge this information.

I will never, never. Yeah, it's pretty wild. Was one of them gay? Yeah, I had a fucking gay dream, dude. It sucked. I woke up like, what the fuck? I had one of those in college. Really, we've all had these.

I got my dick sucked by a friend of mine in a dream. Oh, no, it wasn't that. And it was fucking crazy. I had a dream where I hooked up with a girl that I thought was hot in high school, but she was pregnant and trans. So she was hotter. So she was the hottest girl. It was. It was like in a cave or something.

It was really wild. Yeah, yeah, I've had ones where like I had someone animorph on me one time. They're similar. Well, they are more for all. And I was just like, sucking a guy's dick. And I was like, woke up like, oh, yeah, that can happen. Terrible stuff. They morph on you. You have, dude, I'll always have like a vague sexual dream where it's like,

I'm just with a woman. I know she's hot. And then it just kind of morphs to like three different people. Yeah. Some of them are your dad. Sometimes it's your buddy from high school giving you a head. And you're confused about this. Yeah, your defenses completely go offline, dude.

It is an interesting power dynamic that he was sucking your dick. And he was giving me a head sick in my car. I hate to believe it, but I'm pretty sure I believe it. He's in my car. Now we were parked in the Trinity High School parking lot. I remember this. Was it good? O'Connor. O'Connor.

What the fuck, dude? Was it good? You asked the hardest questions. No, it is head, bro. It is head, bro. Dreams are like prison, dude. It's not good. It's not at all. You do what you have to do in dreams.

You're trapped in there. Dude, the ego goes completely offline. You saw your fault. Yeah, your shields are down. Yeah, but was it good? Yes. It was really good. I didn't. I didn't think. They were like this.

I didn't have a nocturnal mission. Exactly. You're totally fine. That was just you're just dealing with like ancient apparatuses to work out complex things. Yes, getting hit off your friend is just symbolic. It's a collective unconscious. Dude, what the fuck?

I admit something to you, Chris. Yeah, you come out of your brag like I blew some hot trains. Yeah, his one's like, yeah, this hot ass girl. I fuck her in the kids. It just makes me laugh that you woke up and look. Yeah, I think God, there was no jizz. I'm pretty sure I like blew my guidance counselor from ice. Dude, that's what happens.

It's like we're creative. That's why we're thinking of all the options. I can see it. That was the guy that was the gayest dream I've ever had. And I woke up from it being like. I will. Yeah, it's like when you it's like when you get in like your girlfriend cheats on you in your dream and you wake up like I had a gay dream

and I woke up like mad at the guy. I want to beat him up. I need to fight him, dude. He's unfriended him on Facebook quietly. Like, I beat the fuck out of that guy. He thinks I'm some type of queers. I'm not a queer. Guardian, what's a gay thing you've ever done in a dream?

Be honest. I can't think of one right now. Yeah, sure. That means I was about your age when I had my gay first gay experience. Oh, it's coming for you, dude. I hope you're not a man until you do something gay in the astral realm.

Sure. Well, let you know if I do. Please do. I will. I think Chris is holding back on us. Oh, yeah. What? You've never had a gay experience in the astral realm. No. I mean, is it trans? I mean, it's kind of gay. But trans, like she had a penis.

Yeah. OK, that is impregnant and pregnant. That's fan. That's like a mythical creature. Yeah. That's a mythical creature, really. That's a centile. That's a phallic mother, dude. Yeah. You just that's actually probably we're achieving psychological wholeness at that point. Maybe rebirth through wholeness.

Yeah, I didn't feel any different. How'd you feel while you're doing it? I was like, this is crazy, but we're here. And it's kind of how it went down in my car in the parking lot. We're here. What are you doing? Dude, this is crazy. And, you know, who's your friend wearing?

Don't worry about it, dude. I actually don't remember that. OK, you tip, put your baseball cap backwards. It's nice getting head from somebody that throws it backwards. Yo, go, Dirst, dude, I need you. I can't help it. I need you to Dirst out. I'm glad you're getting fucking a kick out of this.

That's such a funny question. I was in KC, but I'm done with the dream. It's coming for all of us, dude. Yeah, homosexual dream encounters coming for all of us. Yeah, I mean, yeah. That's what the Mayans talked about. This is 2012. That's about when it happened when it did.

Probably when the Mayans predicted it. Mine was slightly mine was deeper into 20. 20, like 16 might have been right when Barack Obama got elected. I was like, no, that's oh, you're thinking Trump. Trump fired you up when Trump came. Oh, is that why you moved out from living with us? No, I would do a gay dream and you're like, I got to get a wife. And I shrugged it off quickly.

I did shrug it off, but I remember this is the first time I've ever told anybody about it. I think you told me. I think I heard about it. Oh, really? I told you this. All right, good. You can find it in me. Good. I'm glad I let that secret out to somebody. That thing was burning a hole in my soul for years. Sigmund Freud and his boys all accepted the fact

they had unconscious homosexual urges, and they would write each other letters being like, I don't know. I think my unconscious homosexual urges have been like affecting our relationship. And they'd be like, oh, it's totally cool, dude. I think I'm kind of gay for you unconscious. Everything I hear about seems like they're having a different experience. I don't like any. Everything I hear about Sigmund Freud, it bothers me.

Yeah, it's a lot of people. Every single time someone's like, yeah, he also said you wanted to eat your mom's pussy. It's like, all right, dude, why don't you fucking chill? Apparently, though, he bit back a lot of his stuff because he had come to the conclusion that women were hysterical because they were getting molested. And it also happened. I think his sister.

It's true. It also happened that his sister was hysterical. And his dad was a powerful man. And then he had to start. Then he started being like, that's when a lot of the weird mythological stuff kind of popped up. So apparently he put his finger on a button. They was like, women were just bugging out. Yeah, everyone was being fucking bad dads,

dude, naughty step dads. Everyone was being naughty real dads. Yeah, a lot of people. And then all these women are freaking out. And I was like, why are we having this weird public health crisis where women are just like spazzing and being like, I can't get up. And he talked to like thousands of them. They're like, yeah, I think that's just more of the.

Just women. Things. Well, you think it's bullshit. I don't know. That still happens. I mean, yeah, there's a lady. You'll lay down and be like, I can't do anything. They do while out. Yeah. I feel like it's affecting dogs. They're adopting a lot of dogs in cities.

And I've run into the most amount of nervous dogs. Ever in my life. Women should not own dogs by now. I'm fully with you on that. Yeah, they don't walk them. No, some do some do. Yeah. A lot of women just. But they they transfer their fear.

They talk to them like they're dog. Yeah. Yeah. The whole dog mom phenomenon needs to stop. Yeah. Yeah. Dogs are for guys. Man's best friend, dude. Yes. Women get cats. Yes. It's I mean, come on.

But yeah, dude. Yeah, women can. I've I've seen women can lock their dogs up for hours, dude. Well, I just feel like they go out, get drinks with their girls. Like, oh, I forgot my dogs. I tied them to the radiator. Yeah, dude. Don't. Don't create their dogs for like a day.

I see. I feel like just dogs aren't city people. Yeah. I'm seeing dogs should not be in the city. Humans should be in the city. True. But I know. But see, humans keep adopting dogs in the city. It bothers me, especially when they get big dogs. Yeah. That bothers me. Especially New York. It's a bad.

This is not a dog. This is the least dog city. And it's just like these dogs are not they're not getting what they need. But the other thing, too, is they're going to get killed. I know. So it's a tough dogs. Yeah. Fucking shelter. That's what they're getting from.

Oh, I might as well give a little lady in the tramp life. I. Yeah, they're alive, which is good. But the city stuff is dogs aren't handling. You should start a like a nonprofit that you mainly just like takes dogs from a shelter and then gives them like peak experiences and then puts them down right afterwards. I think people just need. Give him like a just a you know, just stay with the lady in the tramp thing

like a big like a full like spaghetti and meatball dinner. And then just fucking hit him with some fentanyl fentanyl. Fentanyl is the that's our actual. That's a good way to go. Fent hitting a dog with fentanyl. Yeah, that's not. I think that did what do they give them to kill them? Gardini, the Dini, dude, he loves being a part of the show.

If you didn't hear Gardini, Gardini said chocolate. You say it in the mic. No, I don't want to fucking sock. Yeah, we should punch you in the fucking. Yes. So you guys didn't. You guys missed it. I was like chocolate. Yeah, that's a good one, Gardini. Thank you.

But yeah, dude, speaking of people dying, did you see the documentary? No, the one you told me to watch crime. No, 1984 to 2020, bro. It might be the craziest shit on HBO. Is that some sort of deal? Some noise pollution. The dude. I think that's my woman.

Really working, leaving away in the kitchen, speaking, dude. So in the in the video, they start filming these fucking need a fucking snack after the podcast. Oh, she makes it during the show. Good. I demand it. Otherwise you freak, dude. If I, as soon as we hit pause on this, I'm on. There better be something to watch on, dude. Sorry. The.

So this is reminding me of some watch. So I'm in I'm in Raleigh. I'm with the kid. Nice. We come back. Yeah. It's pronounced Raleigh. Everyone gave me shit for its Raleigh, apparently. No, it's Raleigh. I like Raleigh.

I like Raleigh. Dude, the place rules by the way. Yeah, I really like North. I'm a big North Carolina hit. North Carolina is the best. Just flying over it. I was like, man, this rules. Yeah, I liked it.

I liked what I saw and I went in there like the trees. You like the forest all around it. It's nice. I like it a lot. The farmer blood had to be. Oh, yeah, big time. I was eyeing up the squares from the sky. Oh, what I do with that plot, dude. A lot of good lumber down there, too.

Yeah, a lot of good lumber. Dude, I do. I watch lumber cutting videos. Sorry. No, you run some lumber cutting. Yeah, you see a machine. They like a cutting like down a big piece of lumber into blocks. It's awesome. Really? The machine's like rotating it and cutting it itself.

Big blades. You know, they're certainly huge blades. There are certain types of light you're not allowed to use in a sawmill because it creates the illusion that the the blade standing still. Really? Arc lighting, I believe. Wow. Can't use arc light in a sawmill, brothers. You have to use specific light.

Anything other than arc lights. It's like putting a smell in propane. Pretty much. Yeah. It looked like you had a steel blade there. Chop your fucking hand right off. Yeah, you would do. How long do you think you last in a sawmill? I would stand clear.

I would sit and watch. You think you get chopped? You get chopped? I think I get chopped up. No, no, I would survive. I would just quit. So you're just sliding the logs up. I'm out. It's a good smell. I bet that gets done.

I bet first six are like, whoa, this is all true. Number eight thousand. Like I wish I had. I wish I had studied. My problem, my downfall is I hate dust. I hate dust. Yeah. Hate fucking dust, bro. It's nothing but salt. Well, they got a big vacuum

that sucks the dust right out of there. They're not filling that place with dust. Yeah, Matt, what are you, a fucking idiot? It's about the old school. No, we're talking lumber. We're talking real lumber. I'm talking the old. You're talking about what you read in a book.

We're talking shit we've seen. Dude, we went right past the lumber. I passed out. I've been there six fucking times. I lived in North Kackalacky. Oh, you did? What the hell are you talking about? You saw a lumber thing?

You ever been to lumber thing? I've been to Lumberton. Lumberton, North Carolina. Have you been in the mill? I thought, man, I fucking grew up in mills. You didn't grow up in a saw. You've never been, never stepped foot in a sawmill. Do you ever go to a sawmill?

No, but I wish I ever did. If I'm using it. I wish I did it. I have no desire to have been able to flex on guys when I'm in my 30s to be like, I went to mills. I went to the studio. It looks like a cool place. Sawmill?

I hear you. It's just from Twin Peaks. Just from watching Twin Peaks. But every time I go home, my dad's fucking 32 years old. This thing, he's on my foot right now. He's been in every podcast. I don't understand how this guy's doing this.

He's hanging in. Try to keep, you should make him as a pet. He's the one I fucking hit. Yeah, he's still here. I knocked him out cold, dude. It's got to be the same fly. Slow as hell. Dumb as hell.

But yeah, dude, the, uh. He can't get him. I got him. You touched him? I hit him. He's fine, dude. He's down, he's down on the ground. No, he's not.

He'll never kill him. But yeah, dude, he didn't get him. I got him. You pushed him. Yeah, you pushed him, dude. I got him. I love you now. You pushed him.

Isn't a crazy amount of hits like a bug can take? You can flick an ant across the room and it's, there's barely any trauma. Yeah. Yeah. It's that exoskeleton, dude. So what was it? What would you like?

Oh, did you get to go to? There was, oh, you guys, you guys didn't hit the bars. There was a bar we went to. Is it with you or was it with bees? It was one, I was eating fucking sausage. Oh yes. Sausage gravy every night.

Yes. Oh my God. Was it a barbecue place? No, it was like a NC State bar. We didn't go. It's like right around the corner. Yeah. Yeah, it was right next to it.

And I was just crushing sausage gravy every night. That's actually delicious. It was delicious. While you're hammered, you're like this. I mean, three bowls of sausage gravy. See how this turns out. I actually did the exact opposite. I, the very first night,

I went to an Ethiopian place in order, I thought I was getting in for delivery. So I was like, I wanted to make it worth their while. I also got two entrees bigger than I'd share with Sid. I didn't know Ethiopian food. They just give you like, you wrap it up in this little like a, fuck is it called?

It's this type of like flat bread. Ineha. I called it, I was like, can I have the inertia? She was like, it's ineha. I'm like, all right, my bad. So I got two Ethiopian entrees. Sid didn't want anything to do with it. Yeah, sorry I mispronounced that.

You're at a strip mall in North Carolina. You know what I mean? Oh yeah, it was kind of. Like correcting you on how to say something in Ethiopian. Why did ask? Because I was like inertia and there, and there, and she's like, what? She was just at a loss.

Yes. I was like, what is that flat bread made from teflour? She was like, ineha. And I was like, yes, I'll have that. Yes, thank you. What she was? Ethiopian babes. All are beautiful.

And there was a, what's it called? Atresian or, what is it called? Ethiopian, there's also. Eretria. Eretria, yeah, yeah. And how do you say it? Yeah, Eretrian. So, Eretrian, Eretrian.

Yeah, Eretrian, that's what Eretrian. Eretrian, where? Yeah. And Djibouti? Yeah. Talking horn. Exactly. What are you talking about?

Dude, I ate two Ethiopian entrees and then went on, it was a mistake, dude. Wow. So full. Two full Ethiopian entrees. And then went on stage. So apparently that bread, the ineha, it's made of teflour and the point of it is you eat it

and then it like, it soaks up a ton of water and expands in your stomach. I don't get to eat bread all that often. So I was excited to eat this fucking ineha. Oh yeah, how to treat you. You never eat bread. Well, it's teflour, it's natural gluten free. So I pigged on, they had so much of it

and I pigged on it and I was like, oh, my stomach was so full. And the lady was telling me, she was like, this other lady at the club was like, yeah, you eat that because it expands in your stomach and fills you up. I already expanded my stomach with meat. Then I piled the bread and it was just fucking

foaming at me, dude. It was like on stage Friday night, like, fuck. Welcome to my world. Yeah, dude, that was good. Every time I'm performing, I'm stuffed. I'm so full. You have to eat a lot. And then the pig out afterwards is phenomenal.

I went on a date with an Ethiopian girl once and she took me to, she was like, you Ethiopian? Dude, pause, pause. This is something that you're gonna like living with. The three of us together, me, Chris and Tommy, is the loudest, all day, every day, is constant like. Ugh. Farts.

Ugh. Just body noises all day long. Yeah, it's three, I mean, we're dad's age. So it's the noises dads make, kind of sitting down, getting up. All right, I'm getting up. All right. What are you getting into?

What are you doing today? I'm gonna play some Xbox. Tell you what, these new games, they don't make them like they used to. It's the loudest. Farts, dude, it stinks. It always stinks. The ringtone is all maxed out.

Everyone, yeah. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Everybody just. Dude, my dad's ringtone is like, it hurts your ear. It's crazy. It's insane. My dad, my dad. I think he pays extra for it, extra doesn't pull it.

He gets ESPN alerts all day. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. And then the screen is like zoomed in, like so it's like four words. You got a new ring, the ring thing for the front door. So that thing goes off every five fucking seconds. And I'm like, dude, turn that notification off. He's like, I like.

They use all their notifications. They love it. They love notifications. They get news notifications, really. Yeah, breaking. Dude, what's your dad's zoom on? Is it zoomed in pretty hard? You're right about that.

The text, five words. Dude, it's huge. That's how boss is. It's huge. Rich boss. He'll be sitting next to him when he texts him. Dude, I saw a lady on a Kindle on the plane and it was just like four sentences per flip.

It was just like, dude, she was just. Just speed read. She's reading like cards against humanity. I could read it fully from the cards. I was behind her reading it alongside. It's like, this book sucks. She's reading like romance novels. Yeah.

Just zoomed in. Why? Why? These are perverts, dude. They're constantly, yeah. Women aren't fucking sick dumb perverts. Perverts. Yeah.

I always, I like to teach. They're not like us. I like to teach. They're not fucking gay dreams about their friends. Yeah, dude. I'm sorry. We suppress that. Yeah.

Well, we're not reading it on. We're not watching on the plane. True. You're watching it on the plane for yourself. Speak for yourself, dude. Every gay romance novel. Speak for yourself. Every time I find one.

Oh my God. You're watching porn on the plane? No. Do you guys ever go to the bathroom? Gay romance novels. No, I've never watched it. Gay romance novels are nice. Two dudes like, no, let me pick you up.

Oh, I think we were onto something here. What was that question you were about that? Porn on the plane? Did you ever go to the bathroom on the plane, Jericho? Yes. Thank you. You did? Not successfully, though.

Really? I didn't crumb. Did someone knock? No, I just fapped, fapped, fapped and was like, I don't think I want this that bad. This is more mental when I was like, I'm done. Yeah. It's a while back, yeah.

Try to fap on a plane. And I was just like, I don't want this. I've done it on a train. Fapped on two completion? Yeah. Oh, we talked about this. Yeah. On the Amtrak.

Yeah. Though you gotta watch out, though. Those doors can fly open. Yeah. No, you put the lock on. I know, but sometimes you hit the lock and it didn't latch. I've taken several pisses where the door is slammed, though.

Pop on it. Just whew. The doorways are like fucking 10 feet wide. Yeah. They're stopping at a station. You're just in there trying to be bouncing around. That's also kind of a feat, though, because you are bouncing.

Yeah. You added, yeah, adds. Sure, a little vibration. Yeah. Put your butt on like the shittiest thing. I've jerked off while driving before. Same. Yeah.

On the highway. Same. I had a rest stop in Pittsburgh. I'll never forget it. Dude, the first time I pulled over and did it? I pulled over. I did it on 95. See, that, to me, is sketchier.

No, I couldn't. A parking lot jerk is the most criminal jerk. It is. It is. It really is. I agree. I parked as far away. I parked in the back.

That's where those spots are more. That's the most criminal spot. No, I worked myself up to near completion. I said, I can't do this. Pulled over. Uncorked one. Back on the road, dude. Dude, the first time I bought a personal tub of Vaseline,

it was like, I bought it for actually, it's probably for my ass. I probably had a sore ass. So I was like 19 driving home, my Chevy Lumina. It was just like looking at it. I was like, dude, get ahold of yourself. And I was finally like, I'm just started fapping on the way back.

Like a suburban back road. I couldn't handle it. I never had that. I never, I always shared the Vaz with an entire family. You couldn't devastate it. You couldn't take a huge dip. And you're doing this in the car? Yeah, bro.

What did you do with your hand afterwards? I just wiped it on a thermal. I had to, I had to, I had to, my car was a mess. So I had tons of like old shirts. I was like, I was at work. Oh, okay. I was working for a builder.

I just fapped in my car. I was like driving around. I was like, yeah, I was like dropping checks off and shit. I was like, well, let me stop in this right day to grab some fucking Vaz for my sore ass. I don't know how to wipe my ass. And I, yeah, I just fucking fapped in my Lumina. I think I need to fap in a $500 car.

Dude, it's so fun looking back on it. I was like, none of it affected me. Yeah. Yeah, like a pound of weed in my trunk, fapped in my Lumina was like, nice, what am I gonna do tonight? I was like, no. That's great.

No, right. Yeah, it's really, it was a simple time. I know, I gotta work on that. Simple time. I gotta work on that. I've been like, all right. So we talked about last podcast. I did my 10 days sober.

Yeah. Okay. And by that, I mean one day. One day? Yeah, I made one day. Totally sober. It's completely. What was the, so you did,

dude, you have to watch Life of Crime 1984. What, you think, did they turn to the bottle? They turned to other stuff, but it shows you the life. I turned to the bottle on the second day and I felt like a bum, dude. Dude, these guys. I was having too much fun.

I had to turn to the bottle. And since then I've been strict. Well, at least you're having fun. These guys are having bad times. They're having bad times. One guy gets hit with a $50 a month child support check and he's like, I can't fucking do it.

Like dude, it's 50 bucks a month. He's like, they're coming at me from all angles. I'm gonna use. I'm gonna use. Yeah. They followed him for 36 years, bro. That's crazy. And documented their lives.

Man. You're not going to want to use, dude. You watch this, you go. Not to give a spoiler. One dude literally like explodes. It's like, they want him at this horrible. Jesus. What do you mean?

How does he explode? All he dies and all of his fucking fluids just leak out of him. Dude, they show it. It's fucked. It's fucked. And was the camera crew the first to find him? No, but they show the shit.

They got the pictures. Then the guy was dedicated. He goes to the morgue. What a kind of shitty guy. Unzips the bag. That's a weird thing to do is just to film losers for 36 fucking years and not help them. Yeah, that's the thing.

Well, he'll film their kids being like, mommy, your track marks look bad and stuff like that. It doesn't help the kids. Is he British? Nah, he's like a white dude. He's from HBO. He's an HBO guy. He did a thing in the 80s.

He did a Life of Crime 1984. Filmed it. Everyone's like, this is pretty sick. Dude, it's them shoplifting. This is the funniest shit. They just crouched it in like a clover shop. They're using sneak. They're using their sneak abilities.

If you hit B in Crouch, no one can see you. They bring in their own box, and they just flip it down in the store and wait, and they stuff shit in it. They go to the box. They go, metal gear sound. They use the box? Dude, at one point, they stand outside of a store. There's merchandise, and they just chill.

They just go and grab a box and run away. Dude, it's the funniest shit. They make like 80 bucks, and they're like, working man's a sucker, dude. It's so fucking fun. That's your mood when you hit the scanner? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I've laid off the scanner.

You have, but. Now I'm on the middle of an eight-fold path, dude. I've read the first one. I was like, don't steal. I was like, shit, fuck. Damn it. It's gotta be funny to see how many times over that 36 years, they're like,

does it get any better than this? Dude, they're behind the hog in the beginning, and then it's like two hours of just like, oh. Yeah, it's fucked. But give them credit, 36 years is a strong run. Yeah, it was, it was. They were institutionalized for a good amount of time. They get breaks.

They're so funny. They're in jail, dude. They're like, I'm going to fucking get out of here. Have fun again. And you just watch life slowly catch back up to them. Guys like, they fucking asked me for 50 bucks a month. I don't know if I can handle this. Damn, I want to watch this.

Dude, it's so fucking tight. How long do we have? It's two hours. All right, fuck. It's two hours long. What's it on? It's on HBO. It's good, bro.

Is it new? Yeah, it's relatively new. Dude, so that's the whole point of my reason I was talking about, well, actually, I want to hear about your phone off the wagon. It fell off the wagon. Didn't even get on, dude. I had one foot on the wagon.

You had one foot on. It flew off. So you're chipping. You had a couple, you were chipping. You had a couple BLs. I was just on a skateboard on the back of the wagon. Yeah, I was hanging on to the wagon. Night number one, I hit the speed wobbles pretty hard.

I was like, oh shit. No, it was too many shows. Dude, yeah, I guess that'll get you. They were coming at you from all angles. They came at me from all angles. I literally got peer pressured into boozing. Somebody came in and was like, what? I was like, I'm just gonna go a couple days off.

They were like, why? Drink, they got me. They got you with BLs, but have one. I had a couple BLs. That happens. How quick was the progression to get hammered? The first BL, you were like, you're right. It's just about discipline.

It is. They have one. Dude, they all do it. What happens is you go to the stand for fucking 10 hours. You know how hard it is to sit at the fucking comedy club for that long? Yeah, it is. Just having people coming up to you like, hey,

what's up, hey, the whole time you're just thinking of this fucking cold. That was cold pills. My plant ally calls to me. Those cold foamers, true. That is your plant ally. That made me feel good when we had that conversation. It's an ancient fucking relationship.

Oh yeah, we're talking about the Mesopotamians. There was, there had to have been, as ancient as booze is, there had to be one civilization that kind of stumbled across Bud Lights. For sure. You think so? Like kind of a close to a Bud Light.

Hey, water down the mead. I can drink these all day. Yeah, just getting wrecked. Being like build that fucking pyramid right now. For sure. Like why? It's like fucking listen to me. Herod apparently was a drunk.

Yeah. Herod the Great. Wasn't it the monks and stuff that were making the booze? They made some of them. Some, yeah. I thought that was their thing. They were like, no, we're praying. Oh, they made it.

Just getting wrecked. No one's allowed in, because it's very sacred up here. So there's a chance. Yeah, it's a good move. There's a chance. It's a men's only bar. Yes, it's a men's club.

Yeah, dude, there was a Buddhist ex that like. It's a McKinsey club. Yeah, dude, the Buddhists had fucking a, they had like temples and they like had basically like indentured servants. They had like lots of money. They had so much money. They would slowly, the emperors would make money

and they would just all eventually find its way in the Buddhist temple. Yeah. The emperors would be like, no, you guys are shut down. They would take their money back. Yeah, we knew it. We just watched the Passion of the Christ. We know all about how Herod acted.

Do you really? He was a fucking drunk. Yeah. Punches Pile was a power hungry freak. He wanted to. I kind of sympathize with punches. Yeah, I mean, he wanted to. He wanted to.

And Judas. They were coming at him from all angles. They were coming at him. Punches was coming from all angles. No, I'm not talking. I didn't read this in the Bible. I'm talking strictly the Mel Gibson depiction of this. It's probably historically more accurate.

Perhaps. Punches genuinely went through greater lengths than they demonstrate in the Bible. He was like, come on, guys. He's like, you're not saying you're like a worldly king. And he was like, no, my kingdom's out of this world. He's like, come on, guys, let him out. Yeah.

He kept going, kept going. That's why they scourged him. He's like, they whipped up the shit out of him. He's like, come on, right? Yeah, isn't this enough? And his wife allegedly had a dream being like, don't kill that guy. And then he did it.

And he's like, so he was all, he was there. He was all angles. He washed his fucking hands. He thought Caesar was gonna come for him if he didn't fucking manage this situation exactly. Yes, yes. He was in a real tight spot. Didn't he get killed though?

Didn't Punches pilot eventually? Didn't he get executed? Sure. I think he got executed. I think they called him back and fucking cut his throat. I think Judas also hung himself. I don't know.

Yeah, he hung himself. Exactly. You think they have seen Judas? You think he didn't? Maybe. That's a good theory. He was framed. Oh yeah.

What was this? Punches pilot was ordered to execution by Caligula. Yes. Caligula got him? Caligula did not. And that sucks. He ran into the buzzsaw that was Caligula. Caligula the retard got him.

Yeah, dude. That's tough. But yeah, Punches, Judas felt pretty bad about what he did. He did. I think in Christianity, we should forgive. I do. You know?

I forgive Judas. I forgive him. That was the ultimate right? That's why, dude, that's why Jesus washed everybody's feet. Oh, we were talking about that too. Props to the fucking thief that was getting crucified also.

True. Went up that last second Hail Mary by being like, yeah, dude, you are pretty cool. I love you. And Jesus was like, you're coming with me. Yes. Fuck yes. And the other guy that was like, shut up, both of you.

He just went straight to hell. Dude, I had a very difficult experience this weekend that pertains to all of this stuff. So, dude, Saturday. So, Friday, I'm only going into Friday night. Friday night, we watched the Kenny G documentary. Awesome. So fucking good, dude.

It turns out he's cool. He's a fucking raging dickhead. He's a raging fucking dickhead. It is very funny to watch. Makes him cooler. It is funny. It's hilarious, dude. But maybe we'll talk Kenny G on the page, real good.

I could talk about Kenny G for a while. A lot of the Kenny G fans are out here. I was fucked up, dude, from watching. I didn't know anything about the guy when I fully got a taste of his personality. Me and Sid would just like come back and get stoned. So I'm like sitting there watching the Kenny G doc and I was like, have to be like,

I guess I know about Kenny G now. I was like lay down and go to bed. But yeah, so dude, that's why you started. How good is a fucking post-show hotel movie? How good is it? That's when I fell in love with the industry. True. That makes sense.

I got done with a comedy show, Come Home, and you're like, this is the only thing that's on TV. You're at peak loneliness. And it's like, this rules. Now, I had the bees. Bees were sitting on his bed looking at his face. Share the room with a dude. Share the room with a grown man.

You got to adjust. It's weird. We had the nighttime talk and we were like, same thing. You're like, yeah, like adjusting, getting comfortable. Oh, you both make noises all night. Yes. Dude, me and bees hitting the snores, dude. I have to wake him up.

I throw pillows out of like, dude, shut the fuck up. Yeah, we didn't have any, at least I didn't hear him snoring. I don't know if I snored, but yeah, we had some peaceful nights. Dude, the second day I wake up, said the kid might be the ultimate road dog, drive seven hours down, gets up the next day.

His brother was two and a half hours away, drove to his brother, hung with his brother, drove back. So it's a five hour drive. Then the next day wakes up. What the fuck was his brother? He's in North Carolina, he's just two hours away somewhere.

His brother didn't come to him? No, he's like, he has like a kid. So Sid wanted to go see his like, he never had his one of his nieces or nephews. So he goes and he just handled biz, dude. That's trucker blood, seven hours, five, yeah, that's a lot. Three days, bro.

And then he's doing the whole time. His secret though, he like watches YouTube videos while he drives. So he's like, oh, I can't wait to watch his video on the drive. Oh, I can't wait to watch his video on the drive. Dude, so I wake up and Sid's gone. So it was just me.

And there was a bookstore like two miles away. So I took a trek. I walked to a bookstore, fucking, I missed time to pee. I was chugging water. I always buy way too much water when I go to a hotel. Then I'm like, I gotta finish this. So I'm like, walk around the full bladder, peed outside. That was pretty, that's a good town for peeing outside,

but a lot of space. So I go into this bookstore, I find this book that was like, it was like a 10 cents. I got it from outside. And it was, it was such a, I go home and I'm such a good book. I'm engrossed in it.

It's like all about like finding meaning in life. It's written by like a Jesuit priest. It's like one of the best books. They're great, dude. Tiny little book I'm selling through. I'm like, who is this guy? It's like two hours before showtime. Look it up.

Dude, the guy was a pedophile. I was like, motherfucker, motherfucker. Well, sometimes they know the meaning. Hey, dude, dude, he nailed it. But it was, and here's the, it was, he had sex with like, he was at a high school having sex with young girls. And I was like, 12 year old, bro.

And I was like, motherfucker, dude. You never look, you find a little short thing. I remember there was like a meditation thing that I listened to and it fucking, I loved it. Right? It was fucking 10 minutes. Someone had mixed it with some music and shit. The guy's voice was great.

And I shared it with Gerben. Cause I was like, it's really good. Do not tell me who this guy is. Yeah. Do not tell. I don't want to know anything about this guy. The first thing Gerben did after he listened to was look it up and realized the guy became like an alcoholic

like killed his wife or something. Dude, I didn't want to know anything about this guy. It killed me, man. I was, I was like, this guy is just a great book. And I looked it up and it was just like, yeah, he fucking, you find something short and sweet. That's perfect. Never looked that person up.

True. Yeah. Just let it be just the, just the R late. I'm going to finish the book. Yeah. I tried to get back into it right after learning. It was like, yeah, it's going to have a, and it's such a beautiful book.

I'm like, damn, this guy was just thinking this all up. Meanwhile, like having sex with 12 year olds telling them, he's like, I'm just sexually awakening you. You got to start separate the art from the artist. And the only way to do that is to never look up the artist. You can't do this fuck. This is stabilized me was right before. And then I had like, so I'm like, oh, great.

And I was like, and I had to do that show afterwards. I was like, I was bummed dude. I was just like pedophile. Yeah. This is, I feel like it's kind of similar to the gay sex and the dream situation. I'd much rather, I'd blow a thousand guys in dreams. That guy had never to hurt young women ever again.

Probably why I blew that guy to pay for his sins. Protect him, dude. Every time. Save the child. I didn't scout or what? Yeah, you saved a child. Probably did. Every time you blow a dude in your dreams, you save a kid.

Yeah, kid gets his wings. Priest is just like, nevermind actually. I think I have to go do a funeral. Yeah, dude, a Jesuit priest abusing the girls. Although I thought he was abusing boys and it was a girls and I went, not as bad. Isn't that fucked up? That's literally what my head did for a second.

I went, I'm like, that's horrible. And I was like. Yeah, that's bad. It's crazy though, but it's crazy. My brain, all my verbal coding. You were just like, at least he's not gay. Literally, dude, the synapse is fired to the point where I went, and I went, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, you gotta block the bad ideas. Crazy. But it's funny that it does occur. Right. I was just kind of like, I guess, you know, because it is worse when you hear about young boys, you're like, oh, the fuck. Yeah, I was young.

Young girls are equally as bad, but it just gets filtered through that and not gay filter for a second where you go. Eh. Yeah. No, no, no, no. The guy fucking little boys who feel like is incurable. The guy fucking little girls,

you're like, you just got to. Jerk. Jerk. Bump it up. You just missed the high jump through the bar. I went right through the bar. I was like, bro. Yeah.

And what a fucking dastardly thing to do. I'm sexually awakening you. It's like, you fucking bastard. Yeah, you're trying to come. Because he, dude, you read this guy's book, he could have got any of us. Yeah. This book was great.

Yeah. He's like the waters of pleasure, but an inch deep when you sit from them, you come up with sand in your mouth. Yeah, you never want to look up. Okay. You never want to look up the author. Yeah, he got it.

I read fucking, there's this book. It's called Mine Comp. And then I Googled the guy who wrote it. Turns out that could be like, what? Yeah, just discovering it, Hitler. What the fuck? Oh, fuck. Turns out that Hitler, he's a real jerk.

What the hell? Just page one, just be like, yeah, all right. Oh. Three pages in it. What do you do? He advanced. Speaking to my very son. Yeah, he was.

If anyone came across that book without coming across what he did, there has to be somebody who was like, there's definitely somebody who didn't know Hitler wrote Mine Comp. They didn't get the history channel, they're just in China. Yeah.

Yeah. They play Kenny G's music in China, by the way. Really? I bet. When it's time to go home, they play Kenny G nationwide. Kenny G going home comes on loudspeakers and everyone has to go home.

I mean, that's definitely totally true, but I like it. All of China? In certain provinces, at least. I like it. It's the national. Sorry to nitpick that bitch like of me. I don't know, it's a very fair matter.

I apologize. It's a very fair point. I think wherever where the technology resides, that's part of their blast. And their cities are on programming. Like they do prayer and like, it's Kenny G going home. And they're like, it's a very pleasant melody.

The guy makes his daughter play it on like a clarinet and he stands there with his pants pulled up all proud. Like, see? Do you see? Do you get it now? You see the melody? Did Kenny G go through like a hard rockin' phase? Not at all.

He invented smooth jazz. Yeah, yeah. But did he take an interesting route there? Not at all. Not at all. Sorry. When you said he invented smooth jazz, Gardini went real fucking like, like Michael.

Dude, that clip, when she's like, they're like, why do you want to go to Poland? She's like, Auschwitz? He knows a lot about that shit, by the way. Michael's research World War II, I think, pretty deeply. You gotta watch out, Mike. He likes, he loves the Allies. He supports the Allies.

Yeah, he's... Well, he's Australian, dude. The Allies rocked down there, protected them. True. They were about to feel the pain, dude. Yeah, dude. The Japanese were not happy with the boys down under. They wanted to come in there.

Yeah, man, they could've gotten them. Now seeing the state of things, they're vulnerable. Now, the Japanese might liberate them. That would be nice. What a nice twist that would be, historically. The Japanese liberated them? Their showings? Yeah, from the, yeah.

The Australians under the fascist regime. True. The communists. Yeah, what's going on in China? Are they lockin' down? They're doin' whatever they... Yeah, that's dude. They're havin' fun.

Kenny G come on every day and find a lock down. Yeah. This has been their life. They live in a G prison. Yeah, dude. You come on, it's like, do-do-do-do-do-do-do, and if you're like, now I want to stay out,

some guy comes in. Some guy hits you with fuckin' sticks. Hits you at the fuckin' home, dude. Put you in a fishnet. Remember when there were netting people earlier in COVID? Dude's were trying to run there, like, come here. That's how they kept the case down. They kept the cases down, dude.

And hit with nets. Yeah, they'd drag you into your apartment. You'd even know that your window turned to metal. You're like, what the fuck? Seal you in. Hit you with a net. They'd get netted while walking down the street. How many old people do you think

they just quietly grabbed, just died in like a fuckin' window? Yeah, that was on that HBO thing. There was an HBO COVID thing, and they would like, they ran out of space or whatever, allegedly. True. And there was like dudes with their moms,

their geezer moms, like, in ambulances. And they were like, I'm at this hospital. So you got to either take her home or, but we got to use this ambulance. So we got to take her out and just take her out on the street. The guy would sit there.

Also vaping increase. Kenny G would come on and he'd have to drag her home. What happened? I'm going, I'm looking right into the wind. Really? Yeah. Okay. What the fuck, Chris?

Why are you trying to show off for the podcast? You were crazy. Dude, I walked out. If I put my money on the Russia thing, dude, it turned out to be a total fucking hoax. I'd vape in the face of COVID. It's not a face. You're vaping in the face of Omnicrone?

Crazy, bro. Dude, I came out when Omnicrone got announced. Chris was weeping. Now I'm going to be able to go to all my fucking cool festivals because they're Omnicrone. Man, you always put me in this situation where I got to take myself out of the world. Omnicrone.

I know you were crying. Constantly trying to correct this. We know you weren't crying, but you did, Joe. You are fake news. You cried. You were like a meanie. You were like a meanie. Constantly.

You cried when the hoax was not real. No, I didn't. You didn't? OK, never mind. But you're going to get shut down by Omnis. Omnicrone? Omnicrone. No, I'm not.

I'm not worried about it. Oh, OK. I mean, it's a fair. It's a fair fear. I fear for. I mean, I honestly think it's like if they try to shut things down again, it's like long, dark winter. I mean, give me another one.

Mayhem. Give me another one. I love it. There's going to be a lot more rip. I actually I love them. Long, dark winters. I had a good time. I told you I just went out.

Yeah. Yeah, you you escaped. You were fucking. I was out. I was out on the range, dude. Yeah, you were chilling. It was actually. I was out there with you.

Yeah, it was great. Yeah, Chris was out on the range, too. You guys had a good old. All you have to do is just go out. Oh, you're thinking. And everybody else is gone. And that shit rules. Remember the highway?

Remember the highway? It was so nice. Oh, my God. The first time I drove when I drove to Stanhub's. Yeah. I drove across the country and it was empty. Yeah, it was fucking sick. And then you'd stop for gas and it was fucking 10 cents.

Yeah. It was wild. The drive the drive down to North Carolina or South Carolina was incredible. The drive back to Virginia. Oh, yeah. It was all just like fuck that was awesome. The open road when you don't have any tokens.

Things get dark when everybody runs out of tokens. No tokens. And you're just like, fuck, I'm just stuck here. I can't go anywhere. Yeah. Yeah, we had tokens. Can't see my plans. Can't see my plans.

You got to walk to the seal. Thanks. I would. If you're you know what you do with your friends. Well, you make. You and your boys get down. You're friends. You guys are big about Arby's on the road.

I there was there was a brief stage in my life where Arby's buff, buff chicken. Yeah, sandwich. That was nice. I was a beef and cheddar guy. They do have the meats, bro. They're the beef and cheddar. The meats.

Hold the onion roll, please. Plain roll. I know I was. I hate it. I didn't want that into just cheese. To the I was I hated vegetables when I was young. They give me an onion roll and Arby's. I was fucked up.

Yeah, I was going back in like I said no onion roll. Plain roll. I can't taste onion. I hate vegetables. Yeah, I fucked up. My palate was back in the day. I've always liked onions. I love them.

They're delicious. I like the flavor of them. I hated the idea that they were like the texture. They were vegetables. I was like, thick onion. I don't like that. A red onion texture is great. I'm not a big fit.

Yeah, like a crunch. Dude, my my grandfather's eat them like apples. You just munch. That's crazy. He was munching on. That's dude. He escaped Ireland like 1924. Was he just crying the whole time?

Just you just munching on. Why not an apple? Oh, dude, he was munching on. You just fucking grab it on it and I'm like more OK with someone biting into the outside of an orange. I'm just Michael now. He's eating an onion. Where are we at?

Time wise, you know, I'm going to pee pee. Yeah, I got pissed so bad. Yeah. All right. Well, guys, dude, that's the end of the regular podcast. Let's do you want to do dates? Yes, dude. Thank God you have.

Dude, I'm fucking strictly business. I would have never done this. You see this, bro? Yeah, the business man. Oh, man. I'm what Brandy gave me. Yamaha. Professional sponsor, dude.

Special for me. I like American stuff. Really professional fisher, bro. Like American made. Well, dude, it's American fishing team, bro. Strictly business. Shout out motherfucking brandy. I'm more of an Evan Roode guy.

Hmm? This is Yamaha. Please, dude. On New Year's. I didn't know what you said. Yeah. It's an American motorboat engine company. What's it called?

Evan Roode. That's a good motor. I'm with you. Yes. Evan Roode. I got to represent. They got a two stroke. They got a two stroke.

Very efficient. What's the one boat? They're like fucking a million dollars. There's a million dollar boat. Dude, there's a type of, oh, I'll forget. My dad was pointing them out. Hold on. New Year's.

Yes, do the dates. All the people, all my West Coast players. I'll be at the Irvine Improv. And then the 6th, 7th, and 8th of January. I'll be at Caroline's on Broadway. And then the 13th, 14th, and 15th. I believe I'll be at the Tacoma Comedy Club. And then the 20, yes, this is the one.

20, 21st, 22nd, Summit City in Fort Wayne, dude. That's where it goes down. That'll be nice. Yes. I'll be real soon. Yes. Y'all be in St. Louis, January 1st, and the 8th. January 1st?

St. Louis Healing Comedy Club. No, no, my bad. January 7th. OK. Sorry. January 7th and the 8th. Thank you. I was going to say, they're hitting you with the New Years?

No, dude, that would be fun in no way. I actually think I just canceled mine. I'm trying to cancel my New Year's Day. Because the Omicron? Because I'm trying to go to the Fiesta Bowl to watch my Irish. Yeah, get out. Or I might stay in LA and go to the Rose Bowl football game. Where's it at?

Where do you got to do New Year's Day? New Year's, I'm in Irvine, California. But I could fly out to Arizona anyway. Do it. Just no show it. You can't no show. I know. That would be a sick move, though.

Dude, it's what you're doing. Burn every bridge, never doing improv again. Just go watch Notre Dame, Luz, Telcoma State. Claim Omicron. Claim Omicron a day off. I've been thinking about claiming Omicron. Trust me, I've been doing too many of these fucking shows. I've been thinking about hitting it hard.

I've been exposed. I've been exposed to Omicron. Just to be careful. I can't come to the show. I need to play video games for 12 hours. Instagram the next day is just us hammered. Like the Omicron really took me out, dude. Omicron, he's got me fucked up.

Omicron might have led you back to the bottle. Something hit me. You might have had the Omicron. I was stricken down, man. You had the Omicron. The Melancholes. Dude, Indianapolis, February 2nd. No, February.

I'm getting these twos and fours. February 4th and the 5th at Heal Him Common called Indianapolis and Austin, Texas. March 18th, March 19th, Cap City. Uh-oh, Austin. Yeah. Maybe we can figure something out. Dude, that'd be too funny.

That'd be hilarious. That's just a fun idea to have. That's a fun. That's it. Chris, what you got? I'm in Florida this weekend, December 10th and 11th, Fort Lauderdale. Then in Philly, I think, with you guys.

Oh, yeah. Right? That'll be just 22nd and 22nd. That's all. I show out, dude. That's been so long. Bro, you put us in Philly. So that.

This is so funny. Maybe come for the hang after. Yeah. Might have a little fiesta in there. Oh, yeah. That's company party. Yeah, that is company party. I'm not sure Heal Him Knows it's a company party.

Company party? That's company party. That's a holiday party. That's going to be a nine-hour podcast. Let's just say that. We don't leave the stage. That is strictly business, man. You're exactly right.

Also, check out Stuff Island. Oh, yeah. Check out Stuff Island. Listen to Stuff Island. Chris and Tom. New episodes dropping every week. Yeah. I was listening to it, dude.

I was out on the road. I was listening to it. It's fun to listen to. It's all right. It's very nice. I like it a lot. You and Tommy have a very fun dynamic. Oh, my god, dude.

Just who's calling each other? It's like the battle for who's trying to be the piece of shit. Tommy's dad and you big time. You're bucking his reins. And it's nice to see who gets left with like. There's a lot of conflict. You're being like, Tommy's like, you can't fucking cook.

So fun. So fun. We'll see. We'll see what Tommy comes up with. Yeah. And then I'm in Phoenix for New Year's doing shows down there. And then you're going to go to the festival. Yeah.

I'm going to the festival a hundred percent. I got to get it down there. I got to cancel my show to get down to Arizona anyway. Yeah. It's got to be a short flight. Let's look it up right now. L.A. to Phoenix. Yeah, I'll be short.

Yeah, but I already have. But worst case, I can run a car, dude. Cross the fucking mountain ranges. That'd be good to do with the Yomi, too. Get a drive. Especially New Year's Day after I've definitely blacked out the night before. Yes.

That'll be good on champagne. That's always an easy hangover. You might want to think about this drive, actually. So you're going to die. Flight. Yeah. That's you. You're not even going to get to cruising altitude.

No, I'm going to check it. I got to see the Irish dude. Marcus Freeman, the new era. Oh, dude. We'll talk Marcus Freeman on the page. Sure. Let's get on the page. This is going to be mostly dedicated to college football.

Yes, please. And what was the other thing we were going to talk about on the page, Kenny G? Kenny G, yeah. All right. Goodbye.