Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 377 - The Plague

Episode Date: January 6, 2022

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Yuhhhhhhh. Happy MF New Year. Like a Pheonix from the ashes, Matthew has risen. The D.A.W.G.Z. are reunited. Please enjoy. 

What's up, dude? I'm fucking back. Oh, man. You're right up. Fuck. I'm fired up You turn it on for the camera. I was I do I what do you want me to say? You're showman. I am I'm the greatest showman The greatest showman dude. I am excited. You were stricken down We need to address this first things first because there were a lot of thoughts and prayers headed your way a lot of teas and peas I felt them. Could you feel the peas? Oh, yeah, I'll feel the teas Definitely felt the tea felt the peas more felt the piece for sure. Yeah, I mean they're pretty similar now You you've had some theories going on. This is your first bout with the yes, hopefully my last Hopefully your final because it is not a laughing matter

It sucked it's stunk. Hey, it was pretty funny the fact that I got tagged I was like were you like were you laying there like I wish I took the vaccine? No, I Though I did I Could see the first night that I got it like I because I got that I couldn't really breathe I couldn't take a full breath for like four days So I was like I could see how people go to the hospital from the shit for sure Because it was the only thing kept me doing it was just my foolish pride, bro I was like I'll die you have to die. I'll die before I go to the hospital with it

You'd be gay. Wait, weren't we just saying that? Yes. Yes. We're just laughing about it Dude, I was at healing and we're like, yo, if you go to the hospital, you're fucking gay I was laying in bed being like I can't get a full breath I can't go to the hospital Luckily, I taught myself how to belly breathe not too long ago So that's the only that that kind of that saved your life that eases the lungs I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm cutting you. This is your ordeal, but I have a lot of questions Yeah, cuz you I don't mean to put you on the spot now go ahead

But you have a lot of you have a lot of medical theories of your own. They did you put it any to practice? I Mean I tested the power prayer. Obviously it worked power prayer did get you power prayer fucking works Well, here dude, so what happened was I said it several our fathers for you and one Hail Mary Did you really think the Hail Mary is how Mary carried me through Hail Mary is what you pray in times of desperation. Oh, yeah That's the Hail Mary. No, I was a the thing that I so here's this is a good test I The night I started feeling really shitty. I took him like a

Ridiculously scorching bath. Yes, you would have that theory. I haven't thermometer to yeah So I like I filled it up to 105 let it cool a little bit So I probably stepped in like a 104 103 bath dude. I skyrocketed my fever. I was so fucked up So I was already feverish. I was like, let me I'm gonna break this fever down right now be done with this whole mess So just for the one so for the listener if you do feel like you have COVID or early on says maybe a hot bath Dude doesn't help dude. I spiked my fever Got out of bed. I was like that didn't I don't feel good and then I laid there I laid there I end up going upstairs. I all I could think about was a rogui said he had it

He was laying next to his wife and went I Gotta go in the other room. So I did that for an hour and I was like no I got to get out of your prayers and rogui's rogui's guided hot bath prayers. Oh, I didn't have any fucking medicines, dude So I was fuck. No, so I do I Lay in there. I'm just sitting there. I'm like, I don't feel well I think I have a fee I've had a fever forever and I was like I got to get out of this room So I I go upstairs and dude. I just laid up there. I was just going oh Oh

You're moaning dude. That's all I could do my whole body hurt my entire body hurt And I was hot cold my thoughts stop making sense. Like I was fucked up delirious fully delirious I had brain inflammation. I swear your brain inflammation. I looked it up. COVID can inflame your brain tissue Because I dude I had a fuck I had a fucked up case of it And also too like my body now. I'm worried. I'm gonna get it again. You'll you'll no you will breeze through That was the one thing. Thank God. I was able to do being like They I didn't freak out. I just like I just have to go with this and time will kind of take this away So I would like you and I start ramping myself up like but if I can't breathe what if Brittany gets it?

What she did by the way, I'm like good. We're going back and forth and then I would just go Hey, dude, what's gonna happen? What's gonna happen and the dude I would feel all the tension leave my body and I would just lay there and just be like Well, I'll just chill. Yeah, if I if I get that one. I'm in trouble The what the one you got? Oh, dude, it was bad. What you should do is what I do which is take vitamin I take supplements. I took vitamin D You're obviously not taking it right Oh, you're a long

He's a long hauler. Oh my god long COVID, dude So you got see the brain inflammation probably came from your lack of vitamin D. So what I do I'm at Matt listen here. You mean my omega-3s, bro. Matt listen to me So I take a nice I take some garlic. You gotta start taking viral. You gotta start taking garlic Yep, so I'll get you some I have some extra garlic. Look me up. All right You gotta get sunlight like I get vitamin D I take vitamin D then I get what time do you go out in sunlight usually usually by sunset. I'm outside for the first time Yeah, we want that when the sun's going down where it's lowest in the sky need that red that red hue

Yes, red wave no doubt and I'll give you some health tips to get you through this dude, please coach me What you do is have one salad a month and if as soon as you eat it your body rejects it Vicious diarrhea probably pushes out all your coat. I've gone to sweet green Four or five times. I've had vicious reese I'm on on onsite, dude as soon as you hit it soon. I just won. Yeah, you saw we had we had sweet green after our victorious day at Barstool. Yeah, and uh Yes, I mean salad was in the feces somehow it gets out. What it goes straight through It's crazy

You shit like an owl you just have scat. Yeah, exactly the skeleton of the salad comes out So yeah, I can give you some help that don't worry about that cough you still have yeah, it's dude It's so your brain swelled it you had Seriously the first first night I was like I got to get out of this bedroom. So I isolated I went into my I went to my like Third floor of a guest bedroom, and I just laid there and I was like fuck dude. I'm fucked like I'm fucked I have this it's official. I got cove it. I'm an asshole And then uh and bring it bring you wouldn't let me allow like around like I couldn't go anywhere near Maya I think you know Britney's pregnant, too

So I was like fuck dude this sucks and then to I got two days or the second the second day I woke up so that there's a nighttime. I was freaking out all fucked up I woke up that morning and in my head. I was like I think I could still maybe make a podcast by Wednesday I was like, let me get tested. Maybe this is like a two-day flu So I drive the only place I could go was 40 minutes away so I drive to an urgent care and Dude, I was on the road Just it was another thing too, and I would stand up my brain

I could feel my pulse in my brain, you know go And like I would kind of like go in and out of it like I'd feel myself kind of going offline a little bit Not I was gonna pass out. I was fucked up, dude I would go be sitting there I would feel extremely lightheaded and little like waves of like with that like Not still be shedding dude if I get that I'm dead not new see actually no true my my regiments too strict You'll crush you'll crush. I'll be fine, and you're not now. They're saying you're not contagious until after like three days That's that's because they need us to work again. Yeah as soon as the Democrats are responsible for the economy

They're like actually you don't have to stay in bed for ten days. Yeah, well my thing my thing with this is like alright, so We you know you're able to isolate this spike protein to make the you know Vaccine or gene some people call it a gene therapy, whatever you can make it you can isolate the thing to make it a vaccine Your name it you're like oh this one's omicron this one's fucking Delta and just now you're figuring out when the window of Transmissibility is after two years. It's like that's fishy to me, dude. Yeah, there's a lot of fishy stuff going on It's like dude You guys are just figuring this out that people didn't have to stay inside for ten days or yeah, the other thing you're saying it's like they're like Turns out we're gonna need we actually need to work it turns out. Yeah, they can't just sit around all day like lazy bums

Yeah, dude, who does that? Yeah, so that was that was a revelation. I was actually came in a good time that way I was able to kind of I didn't have to sit in my house for ten days, so Five days. I was out. I was right. I'm good and I had no choice dude cuz day So I got tested the first day definitely still have it. I mean, I know you give me I'm gonna be pissed off This you're not gonna get it dude. I'm telling you I fucking took so much zinc, dude I killed the virus is dead. You think you ended the Omnichromes. I might have actually ended it for all people It might have went through my body hit your brother. Yeah, Billy got it Billy saying it you were milking it and he's tough, dude

I just hope Billy a swift recovery, dude, you know Tell me this I like that life's too short, bro Like when you're in the grips when you're in the throes of a fucking devastating disease like I was you start putting things in perspective Yeah, I started saying I'm gonna start eating better. I'm gonna stop being so goddamn stressed Mm-hmm, so but yeah, I'm not gonna see it. Nothing but love for nothing but love for big bill, dude Baby brother needs some love toughest guy in the world, bro. He's tough as hell. He's tough as hell. He was out He's a long My family men of my family specifically my dad's side all kind of got hit and none of them would admit

They had it so they did it was so favorite I don't fucking have that shit because Billy gave my uncle a bunch of shit for it And then so Billy got it went to work for he like showed up for a minute when he realized he was sick He went home and was sleeping. It's my uncle was like fucking pussy the one billet Billy was called my uncle pussy for having it now Billy's a pussy then my Pussy forget it for even letting it affect you at all your pussy in my family So my cousin had it and he was like fuck that dude I don't have this shit my brother would call him and he's like you would hear him like at home

You hear kids and shit, and you know, he's like he was going home to sleep to our work So yeah, a lot of them cuskerman quietly had it. We're like fuck this is We all got it we all got it at the same time. Yeah, yeah, I'll admit dude it fucking it leveled me for two days But I never got to really chill because I got tested I did drive down to get tested like the first full day of it And then the second day I got to chill one more day then Brittany got it So by day three I was on my feet chasing my around. I had no choice God, so I was just like you know by then the fever had kind of subsided. It was just I just felt fucked up

That sucks. He dude. It was it was just we watched homework bound one and two. That was the other thing Fantastic homework bounds great. So yellow teary when shadow went right fried my fuck No, when they came back when they finally come over the hill that was the other thing too I swear to God I felt the weirdest part was I felt like I had concussion symptoms because like things in flame and they were I was reading A lot of people I'm getting brain inflammation from it because I didn't really sleep for two days I like like when I got in a car accident. I was awake for like two days. What was the cat's name? Oh Fuck this shadow chance and oh my god. I literally just saw this. Well your brain was in flame true

But I was crying my eyes out there and fucking homework bound Prissy missy. I think it's I think it's missy or prissy or something. Prissy. I think it's I think you're right about prissy Yeah, I think you look at the cat. We're gonna need to know cat from homework Dude when they go to San Francisco, it's so I don't think I don't think I remember sassy That's it sassy man. Somebody was out there listening to this screaming the answer. Oh, it's sassy. It's sassy I cried I cried on a plane. I cried you and me just cried right now I know dude. I looked over to watch to see you cry and you're going to us. Oh, I killed me, dude I was I was fighting it the whole way. I was like, dude, we're all cried out from homework bound

You can't be cried out 42 and one dude Buster Douglas the 30 for 30 if you have soul I put that on I went to my girlfriend's house for Christmas And we were all drinking I was like you guys got to watch this if you're gonna like this nice I made her family watch 42 and one I cry in the beginning of it I cry the whole documentary really all the whole time Anytime they're like, he's a chump. He's a quitter. I'm like, no, he's not he's got the heart of a Dude, there's a part when Buster calls his dad before the big fight and so his dad just goes let them hands go and see what happens Yeah

Yeah, dude, I like let's go. You know what crushed me recently was I watched What the fuck? smashing machine That's the documentary. I am such a dumbass You told me you're like, I'm just staying up watching smashing machine I was like that shit rules I thought you were literally talking about YouTube videos of the machine that I was like, damn, that's sick. You're just staying up watching

Damn, I'm sorry. Yeah, I was like, I mean, you know, I wouldn't see that escape in your radar But I was like I listened to like a dude. I was laying there in just the Throws it was day two and I do like nothing. There's nothing. I wanted to watch I was in bed Like oh, I can finally like watch it online ever. I hated everything and I'm like fucking don't watch this it sucks Nothing would hold my attention. I didn't want to read my phone So I just put on like a random episode of Rogan and it was the dude more plates more dates And they just talked about steroids for two hours. That's all and I just laid there I didn't comprehend anything they were talking about. I just listened to talk about stare

And I was like, I didn't know people knew this much about this the whole time of back and forth It's being like, oh dude that guy's all fucking here. No, they're David It's awesome It's just that being like well, you know, they could derive tests from a sweet potato And they're like, do you think they could derive tests from pig pig cholesterol? I was like, there's a whole sector of just male bonding. I'm missing out on dude Yeah, being jacked and taking roids Yeah, just being able to be like that guy's on fucking gear or just knowing about gear

But Rogan dropped a hint to this documentary the smashing machine during that and it's about guys in like the early pride days To wrestlers who are on tons of gear, bro Yeah, they're fucking huge and they were just every single match single leg takedown and then his headbutt people today So it was crazy. It was insane, but dude the one guy Think his name is mark the hammer Coleman. I believe. Yeah, he's a wrestler. Yes, Ohio boys. Yes, dude They go into Mars. So the other guy the smashing machine. I forget his name. He's a little more It almost reminds me. He's Tyson ish a little bit. He's kind of you know, they got a little flair to him Little attitude mark the hammer just fundamentals, dude. Yeah, he's just as fundamental

So he was like getting his ass kicked, but he ends up I don't want to ruin it But man's the heart of a champion. Yeah, I love seeing guys with heart of a champion, dude That's what made me cry. I watched his he did one so I watched that I'm like fuck mark one I'm pumped but I watched another thing on him that does like a behind the scenes Like where are they now type thing and it was him and like his life kind of like started falling apart like his wife Stopped talking to him but there was a match where like he got the shit kicked out of him and His he brought his daughters in the match and he didn't realize they just brought his dog

He just got knocked out and they brought his daughters into the ring and they're like screaming and crying He picks them up. He just goes hey guys daddy's okay He like brings them over to the guy who knocked him out like we're friends, right and the guys is like But dude in the thing towards the end of it the daughters are there and he's like, you know guys I did my best. I made miss. They're like a dead like a barbecue place. Yeah, they're like, we're proud of you dad He's like you start crying dude. It was like I was like fuck. Yeah, but he they're like We always remember you would like come home after fights. You just eat all night and he was like I trained hard after the fight That's my reward. He would just eat cereal by himself in the kitchen

It was kill me he was do Roy's fight like be getting these shit kicked out of them fighting people And then just beating like captain crunch by himself me like so what it's all about just dude He was got you know truthfully that kind of is what it's all about. It is dude It is get sitting down and rewarding yourself with captain God dude. So I treat myself quite a bit. You have to bro I reward I'm on a high reward system. That's champion stuff Mark the hammer dude. It's so funny. Yeah, it was there was nothing glamorous about his life He would just go take fights Get the shit kicked out of him. Sometimes he would win and like he would just come home and just munch fucking

He would go get like 5g's in Tokyo and just come home and munch cereal And just be like I did it The Roids must feel good. Oh, I think the one we're talking about is Mark Kerr Marker smash machine Mark Coleman kind of had his head on a bit more straight, but he was also crazy Yeah, smash machine was like shooting up fucking like painkillers his name his nickname was the smashing machine Yeah, he was pretty nasty too. All they did was single leg takedown and then they would just get on top of you and just start Just killing you because before like jiu-jitsu and shit was really that big So yeah, and it's funny watching them because they they stay in as the UFC comes up and they're just old school

Dude, they're old dogs. Yeah, like fighting against the guys that knew how to fight. Yeah, and then you watch them fighting Do they beat the shit out of that happens to dudes and it's sad to watch it's tough But Coleman holds it down. He got some he got some belts. That was like watching uh ice man Chuck Liddell. Yeah, they tossed him in the ring with rampage And it was like Chuck's just an old tough guy It's like rampages. He murdered him. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's just a stronger blacker tough guy This is gonna be bad He's gonna wail on this

He though like chuck Liddell was don't give you obviously chuck Liddell tough Yeah, but like he was like what white guys thought was tough in like the early 2000s. He like had a goatee Yeah, it didn't goatee and it was like a mohawk like Oh, he ran into one jacked black dude. That would howl That's terrifying. It was sad watching these guys get older and they were like, this is all I can do and they'd have to go Take fights and just get like way more brain damage. They get knocked out at like a convention center like a community college Oh, yeah, dude. No, they were doing they were on like UFC and going to pride and stuff. Really? Yeah, dude, there was a there was a guy A russian guy, I think he was russian or like Ukrainian Igor Vochance

I think I think it was dude. He would just wear like eyes odd button up eyes. His gear was so fucking sick Yeah, I like the european guys dude. This guy was the russians in the eastern european. He was nasty as fuck dude Just a barrel chested. Oh, yeah, was he check? He was yeah, I think he was check special forces before he yeah, he was cool. Jesus christ He was on like a team that bust open one of the teams he was on and they were probably doing some real team stuff Oh, yeah, eastern european special forces. Jesus christ. They were probably committing some serious atrocities Yeah, dude, that was I'll tell you this I got in a bit of a bout myself. I got in a fight Oh, you did not a physical fight

But let me tell you something guys got a little bit of an altercation. Me and my lady went to the cheesecake factory in Irvine, california Speaking of the old pride steroid days. I was at the cheesecake factory In Irvine you're rewarding yourself. I needed another treat Uh, so this is my first time at a cheesecake factory. I've never been to one I've heard great. They're impressive. I've heard great things. They are impressive I think I know the one you went to was it in like a big outdoor kind of shopping center. That's where the that's where the Improvise I've tasted cake there. That's you have tasted cake in that shopping center I want to say this that entire shopping center is filled with nothing but fucking water heads

Every dude that every fucking person that worked there was a simpleton. Really? Well, the few that I encountered so I get dude we go in I get seated All right, I get seated that's important to remember you're seated by a hostess Yeah, my woman and I were see we're seated around the building outside We're the only ones within there's no tables. No one's even outside. Yeah, so we're sitting out there for like 10 minutes It was like, all right, obviously they forgot us So my lady gets up and goes and asks a bus boy and she's like Hey, can you send a can waiter come help us out?

This dude comes over and he goes Usually you have to check in Before whoa people serve you and we were like we did check in he goes. No, you didn't What I was like Yeah, we did what are you talking about and my girlfriend goes a guy with the blue shirt sadness here He goes no one's wearing a blue shirt that works here. What it was like Why would we be making this up? What the fuck are you talking about? There's nobody there. No one's there and then I showed I was like, all right

Well, here's the menu. I had to scan at the front desk. Yeah, how would I have this? He goes you could get that anywhere He's like, you know what motherfuckers have cheesecake factory, man. You're nothing special. He was like you could sit down and google that I was like, dude, why are you are you? What the fuck I had I said I was like, what time of what you think? I'm a fucking psycho that I'm gonna sit here and then lie to you What what the fuck is and then we got up to leave and I was like actually dude come with let's go to the front desk Yeah, oh, yeah, this is driving me fucking insane. It's a corporate restaurant

Dude, they'll probably give you a free meal for all that So I walk up and there were two women now at the hostess station and the one didn't seat me So he's like, did you see them? She's like, I've never seen this man in my life. I was like, why are you guys doing this? Why do you think America is most wanted? Yeah, and then the yeah, they were so mad And then the the one chick that checked us in kept her head down kept typing And I was like, that's she was the one who checked us. She wouldn't look up. We'll call a shirt She'd know the guy who walked us there had a blue shirt. Gotcha. Gotcha. And I was like, this is I was like just so you guys know

This is fucking insane I'm leaving but why why would I ever make this up? What they like I was like laughing at that point. I was like, what the fuck dude Why would I lie to you about sitting at the fucking cheesecake factory? And then I left and that was it and I was they apologized. No, they didn't apologize The waiter put his head down and wouldn't look up What he buried his face in his hands while I was talking to him It was fucking crazy

And then I I walked outside and I was like, I gotta go back in there. I'm gonna fucking Dude, it was one of those where like you leave a I couldn't go back in because then they won I couldn't come back in and be like, and another thing like you gotta just take it And I was like, what the fuck was that? Yeah, dude, that's I went into starbucks. Of course, there's a 40 person line And I'm like, I'm not gonna do that. So I left I go back in about 10 minutes later after walking around the line's smaller, but there's a Portley fellow behind the cash register. I'm not gonna assume his sexuality

But he seemed a little light in the loafers. Yeah, for sure. All right, he won't stop talking to every single customer Five minutes that eclipsed. So I leave. I can't take it. Yeah, I leave and I'm like, dude, what the fuck's wrong with me Get the coffee stand in line. So I walked back in It's the third time I've walked in and out of this starbucks I go back into the starbucks and while i'm waiting in line, I hear him say to a customer We're actually out of coffee right now. I was like, dude, i'm out of you. What you had to do? I left. I didn't get coffee I didn't get the cheesecake factory or coffee I went and got a nice ramen, dude, and they did it right. That's pretty they were very polite

That's cool. But I I had to walk the whole way to a uh, I went to a bookstore. I went to the borders I knew they'd have a starbucks in there got in there got my starbucks But dude That's crazy hearing a man go. We're actually out of coffee right now. I was I I lost it So you work at fucking starbucks, dude. Yeah, how's that possible have coffee? How's that possible? He was talking to people who was like, we're actually out of quarters right now So if you pay cash, you're gonna get a lot of dimes Is that all right with you if you get a lot of and I was just like I'm out. I have to leave

I have to go outside. My girlfriend was like, are you okay? She's like, are you doing all right? And I was like, I'm fine I'm doing well I walked back in he goes way out of coffee. I was like, I'm not doing great. I'm having a tough time God damn, dude. Yeah, I can't believe the attitude, bro. That was the craziest thing I've ever Ever been a part of waiters are basically front line front line workers. Yeah, but this wasn't even like their first responders This wasn't like a fish town hipster waiter that was like actually yeah, this was just a dude This was a normal dude. What it's crazy But brain is probably swollen from the light-skinned brother too. But you didn't expect that you expected white dork, didn't you?

That's that's white dork behavior. No, it was a light-skinned brother Really? He had a bit of a white he had white dork behavior. Yeah, he's like actually you did not check in I was like, dude, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, well you fuck you do have like dark-skinned brother energy In terms of like no, I'm saying like I appreciate that greatly. You know what I'm saying? Yeah Like on the other continuum We're so pale or basically we're dark-skinned it essentially in terms of honks. Yes. We're dark-skinned us Tilda Swinton or whatever. We're all dark-skinned black

In terms of the inverse thing you got we got going on, you know, we're pale as hell I do battle with light-skinned brothers My energy does deflect I've I've I've battled before. I mean, you know the face I made too when he was like you didn't just like Immediately I was like, what the fuck dude? Like why why would I make this up? Are you crazy dude? Dude bearing your head in your hands and just being like just taking a dressing down and this guy just had his hands in his There's face in his hands and while I was like, dude, what are you doing? I was I couldn't believe what was happening

Dude, I was like, man, could you look up and tell him you checked me in she just kept typing. What the fuck it was crazy Nah, there was a time what I fully spaz in a restaurant one time where there was like There was a wine there was like a wine mark on a on a or there was a Lipstick mark on a wine glass. Yeah, and I was like, hey, we get a different wine glass and they were like The lady took it and didn't come back out for like 30 minutes I had to ask someone else She didn't bring us any of our stuff and then afterwards I got our tip

I stood up walked the lady who had helped us out our waitress like gave up on us And I was like, here's her tip. You can have that You know who spaz is hard on that is women that were waitresses who don't like that that don't like bad service Oh, yeah, my lady is fuming. Oh, she was she was like a bartender. She served. Yeah He's in the industry. Oh, she served. I'm in the industry. I'd say thank you So she was like this is she was like this is fucking insane. I would get like what is happening. Yeah That's pretty sick. She bartended. Yeah, I don't like that. I don't like that about her I think it's a terrible quality in her the fact that she barred in a reminder. I said, what are you a fucking slut?

Why would you do that? She wiped down the fucking. Yeah, she was a bar blench. That's pretty sick I saved her from the bar. I rescued her from bar wrenching rescued her from the tavern Just all the men leering at her in a tavern. I hate imagining men leering at my woman I hate if somebody leers at my woman. I'm fucking pissed flight dude. Yeah, so that was that was my uh That's I can't believe the cheesecake factory dude. The cheesecake factory fucked my ass so hard that I'm Even thinking about it. I get angry. Where was the manager? I couldn't do it. I couldn't I couldn't be a care. I couldn't couldn't be a Karen

So if you're if you were a manager at a cheesecake factory, I think for five years they give you a bmw So it's something like no. Yeah So you push you start pushing the beam get in there I gotta fix it from the inside you could get in you should get into the air Just take like a sabbatical of two years and fix the Irvine go to the Irvine cheesecake factory and be like i'm here You gotta fix that thing up, dude There's no excuse for it to be functioning like that. Not Irvine, dude. I like Irvine. You would I do I like Irvine I did not like Irvine a new port beach. See I didn't go anywhere

I went to that fucking shopping complex and back to my hotel the whole spectrum and Irvine spectrum. Yeah, and it is beautiful It's from the it looks like it's from the future. It's crazy. Yeah, it is the whole area is just Corporate headquarters. It looks like a screensaver. It's like green hills The sky is it's beautiful and I didn't like it. I the sky in LA bothers me. Yeah, it's never a fucking cloud It's always that blue. Yep. I just like a nice conservative beach town Yeah, I did I'll tell you this though when it comes to comedy crowds They are conservative, but they're not They're not they're republicans, but not the republicans that are fun really perform for

Oh, yeah, they're old schools If you go to like middle of pennsylvania and do a show people like let's fucking go These guys like I'm like if you're like Yeah, you guys like trump will be like fuck. Yeah, if you do it in Irvine, they're like, yes We are republicans They're the gay they're what republicans used to be there's like bush where they're like gay christian republicans When you say something they're like that's not appropriate for you to be talking about sex. Really? Yeah I could see that actually and I was ticked off about that

They were fucking stonewall on you. They stonewall. Well, it was also new years So on new years you get the dumbest fucking crowds on earth. Yeah, that makes sense So thursday and friday kind of sucked but saturday and sunday ruled how was dropping the ball? Dropping that, you know, i'm not comfortable with stuff like that. Oh, I know I was ticked off about that. I had to go back on stage and be like, all right, everybody have a good new year 10 I had to do the countdown. You should have gave him pitbull energy, dude I gave him quite the pit. I mean, we spent the last minute talking about Epstein's island sick me and jamar and bryan moses That's tight actually jamar neighbors. Who's

One of the funniest comedians to watch God that's possible. No one on earth doesn't give a fuck more Dude, it's he's a foster kid from Compton. He comes on. He's like, what's up, motherfucker? That starts like a hopper and dude, you can watch people like What is this? He's like, fuck you. Fuck you, bitch Like it's anyway. I'm not doing his comedy. No, that's that's the best he rules That's the best Yeah, it was a great weekend

That's awesome But you're I was loving thinking about you just being like, all right guys, let's go 10 No, I had to do it. I was like, are you gonna go contractually obligated? Are you gonna go see chris? You're gonna go fucking mr. 305. Who do you think I went with? I I was thinking you're gonna be like, uh, all right. Well, that was it. All right Ball's dropping. It's like nice work idiots. Yeah, I was about to say you Nice job dumbasses. You were here for new years listening to me talk about com and down syndrome. God, that's so fucking funny. Yeah

That must have been actually fun though. Yeah, I had a nice time I fell asleep at like nine o'clock On new years the whole squad was sick, bro. Oh, yeah, you guys were ravaged with the play We woke up to just like fireworks going off. We went to bed at probably 9 30. We're watching LOTR And dude, we got to bed at like 9 30 and I woke up at like boom. Boom. It was like 12 o'clock and we just were both like Everything is Passed back out second year in a row. We slept through the ball. You guys are geysers geysies, dude Yeah, you're geys. Absolutely. I would have stayed up this year

But I do love flying to the west coast and getting on a humans sleeping schedule That makes me feel good. Oh, that's actually yeah, because yeah, that's nice. I love that although it does hurt you on the late show Yeah, when you're doing a 10 p.m. Show And by the time you get on stage, it's like the equivalent of God, I didn't think about that. Yeah, those west coast late shows are tough. Yikes, especially on thursday guys Let me tell you about my life. Yeah, you got stuck on the fucking Mac in my ass on thursday It was one of those I was so mad I was like You know how when you get frustrated and want to cry? Yes

I was that frustrated and i'm rarely like cried for the only time I cry is when buster douglas Buster douglas, I usually cried moneyball stuff sports movies that make me happy Uh, but this was stuck on tarmac for three hours. Yeah after flying from new york to la And then finding out I shouldn't gave you that text. I was like, yo, by the way, you can fly right in orange Yeah, and then finding out there's a Fucking airport an hour closer right there. Yeah, I got it was right there I did the same thing I was I was so excited hitting you with all my irvine knowledge. It's the only place I knew you were and I was like

Check out this place. Check out this place. I wanted to I wanted to be like shut the I was sitting on a fucking tarmac, but I did get to watch iam legend That's tight. I watched iam legend and I watched city of god. That's two great moves. Yeah, I was pumped That's too good. Yeah, dude. I'm telling you between lotr and pocs Pocs parts of caribbean's I love going to pocs Dude, I mean, could you have dropped the ring into the vat of lava? Probably not You don't think so? No

I would have slammed dogs. I struggle. I struggle with discipline. I mean, dude, it's a real question I was bugging myself out about that because there's the lord of the ring. I wouldn't have gotten I wouldn't have even gotten to Mordor Mordor got the ring and be like, well, why can't I have it? Somebody's gotta I should be the one with this. I need to bring this to the world of men. Yeah Yeah, dude, it's Man, I I was that was the thing I bugged out on the most where it's like There's all these battles all these big epic wars, but you know what lord of the rings rests on Common folks surrendering their fucking unquenchable thirst for power. Oh man. That's so deep token

Yeah, I was laying there my blanket is being like Damn, we do all have to give it up. Don't wait. It'll take every last fucking one of us Oh That's nice though. Yeah, it was great. It's really nice. You can do that. Yeah, like have those types of I can't really What'd you think when when he when he dumped it like when you see him with the ring? Are you being like, oh my god When I was a young man, I liked it when I was young. I was able to like be gay Yeah, and get into stuff and have fun. Really now. I'm just a fucking Dork, you can't get you can't get in the fucking Dorcas, dude. I sit there. I'm like fucking Elijah wood looks like a dumb ass

Fucking to be fair Sam wise is a fucking retard. That's how I spend every movie I was wondering how you thought how you like I did not like Frodo. I hate Frodo really and Sam just mr. Frodo Mr. Frodo, we're gonna be home back to the Shire soon mr. Frodo I don't think we're making it. There's some people I like in that I used to like legolas Gandalf, yeah, they're the same. They're the exact same off the fucking girl Gandalf's awesome Dude when he banishes that thing. I was so pumped. I saw those fire demon. Yeah, yeah Fuck did that ball rug takes that thing down to hell fucking ball. I saw the lord of the rings movies in high school

I was so high. I didn't remember any of Pippin might be the lamest fucking character Pippin's the one full of two keys. Yeah, he is a dumb dickhead He's constantly causing trouble. He causes trouble in the fucking tomb when he knocks over like a well bucket and all the orcs come He's a dickhead. Yeah, dude. He grabs the crystal ball like an asshole. Oh, yeah, he was he was pissing me off Constantly fucking they should have cut his head off. They should have sent him. Yeah, they should have thrown him down that well But he did he did play You got the trees involved got them to gondor. Dude, that's all I kept thinking about I was like, we need the king of gondor to step back up. Who's that? We need is a sick president

Oh, yeah, we need like an absolute statesman, dude What if that's what's happening to to bind right now? He is somebody's whispering Fauci's whispering poison into his ear for sure, and then once you dispatch Fauci And then biden just comes back to full health and he's like, what the hell was that talking about? He's king theater. Yeah Yeah, dude, we biden could be that he could be the right now because he's getting his soul sucked out of him He's just a mere steward right now. Yeah, I was talking to spud about it. Dr. Fauci

Spud was like Fauci's just chewing cherry tomatoes just Dude, you got to watch if you haven't watched Lord of the Rings, you got to go back and watch it It's might be the most important movie of our time. Hmm. Could you surrender? I kept the whole time I was like, could I surrender the fucking ring? No, dude, you're power hungry as fuck. It's everything, dude It's a greedy power pigs. Yeah, it goes into everything. You really all we all are dude. Yeah, I was like, dude Could I start was like you think about it? Oh my god. This one. I've never yeah We went we went to bars all of that and you should have seen oh my god, dude He wanted to walk around the office to see all the beautiful women that worked there

And then he was eating cake. He got birthday cake. Yep. You go in there and eat cake In front of the beautiful women It's supposed to turn that down, dude. How did you feel when you were eating cake and beautiful women walked over? nervous Dude, so did you throw your cake out when the women approached? Yeah, I did Let me set the seat. Did you they made the cake no one was eating it I would have been rude if I didn't eat the cake. Don't eat their cake. Adam forced it on you He did but I was happy to have it because me tell me gone hungry

Dude, you didn't eat your fucking greens man. You didn't even eat the greens because I had too much I had my dessert before my supper And it's wrong to bring your greens there. You throw your greens out No You still have your greens you have you brought your greens in the uber. I don't I don't remember seeing the I didn't see any fucking you threw your fire. I bought you those greens. I can't believe I smashed that dude I that thing was gone. Yeah, I haven't trapped yet though. Well, that's good. Your body's not destroyed yet You're still young my body

So yeah green touches my intestines the chlorophyll spews them out. It's the power of the sun. Yeah, you know the sun's actually green No, I didn't know it emits mostly green light. Really? Who told you that will smith planet earth All my facts come from right now, dude That show is so crazy. It is funny to I know we it's it's common like everybody everybody's like, oh, I'm autistic. I'm for you. Everybody's saying that now It's kind of like the new i'm depressed. Remember when i'm depressed was in style Exactly now everyone thinks they're autistic. It was fun to see you actually be autistic today If you put

If you put matt in this situation, he's not used to or like anytime we did an episode at the stand It was fully autistic I was less autistic today You came out of it, but you were hitting them like I know you but you'd be hitting them with like Statements that would they were everyone in the room was like What the fuck is this guy? You know Manhattan rises 14 inches? I learned it while watching will smith's new show This was back before will smith back when he was on summertime like this was the summertime era of will smith

Holy shit, dude You obtain knowledge and then you don't realize that no one else knows what the fuck you're talking about So you're like, you know the will smith book back when he was in 1987 when he was doing this I'll see it and I'll go I can't wait to tell and you check that into a conversation Soon as I get it go ahead. I'm just like blah. Yeah, I like it. It's a nice thing Fuck man. That show was killing me. You want to answer the internet is great. That was fun You getting hit with sports questions. Oh, dude. That was too fucking fun. We would win this or that thing It's like man. I don't fucking know that was them being autistic. They asked us who would win a

Polar bear at great white and you and me were both like a great white But then they just talked for bears they talked about bears for like five great white, bro He's like you boys love bears. You want to talk bears. You guys want to talk and I get it I like bears. I side with the grizzly versus the silverback gorilla and a lot of people disagree with me I like a big grizzly That's pretty that's fair big. Who do you go with versus silverback? Yeah, silverback apparently is the smart answer Is it really I look at the thumbs with those big grizzly paws Yeah, that's true. That's a tough. That's a tough one. It's a tough call. That's way harder than fucking polar bear shark

Yeah, that's actually take some thinking I did a shark. We just ram a fucking polar bear underwater polar bears are slow swimmers I don't think they are no, they're not as fast as a shark compared obviously not as fast as a shark That's what I'm saying. They didn't talk about the width of the pool That's what they didn't include We want eight feet deep is seven feet deep Seven feet dude a shark's on a fucking smash. That actually probably doesn't hurt the shark There's nowhere for the polar bear to move out of the way really. He's getting It's they're swimming polar bear polar bear. Can't you like it can only it can tread water or swim and a shark's gonna swim circles around it

literally Yeah Put its fin up dude. Just let it know since I was a young boy. I've had a great affinity for great white sharks Same, bro. I'm never gonna sit here inside against them in a fight shark week, dude Shark week was so sick, dude That's always that's the best about having nephews and shit seeing them get into stuff Like going through phase like truck phase. Yeah space phase Dude, my face is my brother's kid. He's four. He does a thing now. I'm still in shark face

Maybe he's five and he's four or five But he'll do a thing where he'll walk up the kids at a playground and go my name is mac m a ck Do you want to play with me? He lays it all on the line. Nice dude people some of them some say, you know, they're like, yeah, let's do it some kids go no and he's just like Just walks away. That's good that he's he's gonna he's gonna be a fucking psycho If he's already like facing rejection He's gonna never mind rejection. He's gonna be an animal when he gets older. That's a good point

He's gonna be Elon musk. You got to start spelling your name. But yeah, my name's chain sh any Do you want to hang out you want to play with that might be a good pickup line at the bar for the sweet ladies Oh, definitely my name's Shane sh any do you want to play with me? Definitely, dude? Hey, babe, you want to play or dude? I thought about we should get into like, um Hey, hey little girl. You want to play tonight? You want to play with me? You got to get into like gentlemen culture of just like making social connections and like throwing little gentlemen callers having parlors We do have a discussion in the parlor. Yep. I'm listening. I'm listening to a book right now

And it's uh, it's a story but it's all about that time of like french aristocracy gentlemen Dude, it's so fucking funny. I'm just being like that guy's a fucking snob and I'm like, oh, hey, what's going on? Well, they all hang out. We're kind of that's comedy. Yeah, dude It sucks this guy and then you see him in real life. You're like, fuck. They're great. They start doing well and you're like Fuck this guy. Yeah, dude. It's so fucking the book. I'm listening to right now. So funny with that shit He's a fucking snob His family's poor He just dude, it's so fucking funny. Do you know any snobs?

I do there's the I don't I can't think of any but they're what they were dealing with it was funny What they were dealing with in this story. They were like, there's a french word for a show boon say and there's no real They're saying like there's no real translation. But what they described was a climber They're just or if you want to call them butt dogs butt dogs So it was just butt off french butt dog culture and this guy like butt dog his way to the fucking top of france That's what uh families and it pissed people off. It's what the sun king had going up Versailles Really, you know that no built Versailles to make all of the lords live with him What and they all buttdogged out to see who could be his favorite

What they'd live together and would butt dog as hard as they could To be like, I got to watch him put his shoes on today And they would butt dog to see who got to like sit closest to him all that Whoa, dude. Yeah, he built like a basically a reality show. He built like the bachelor for himself And for everyone who forced all the french aristocracy to butt dog out dude. It's so funny Like I like it. What the dude would do He would find prominent families that were in like a tough He said you are a great butt adult

He would find like a prominent family Who needed to like sell stuff off because of short term money problems And he would quietly arrange like stuff with american museums and that's how he made his fortune Yeah, but they are all everyone kind of were like you love schemes. I do you like you've always been a fan of french aristocracy Was like this is a dirty shameful business dude of like selling anything they called him a dealer Like he's a fucking dealer And that was like a big and he he presented that he get very pissed off. I uh In other news. Yeah, there's a new movie coming out and it's cool. It's called the 355. It comes out this week

I can't wait to see it. It's a super spy group of hot international women What they all look like they weigh about 90 pounds and they are kick ass And they're from other countries and the chinese lady is helping american lady. So I don't know who the fuck they're fighting Yeah, what's cool is it's called the 355 because something about like george washington had his Female spy network. We're their descendants. It's like do you understand that in the revolutionary war Female spies would have been dirty whores And hookers that slept with british guys Honeypots, bro, which that's what should that's what the movie should be instead of women like we're kicking ass

Yeah, it should be like we're gonna go fuck like the most famous The world leaders and uh, we're gonna take advantage of that. Yeah, I was uh, I was talking. Yeah, they should I was talking lotr butterly and it the lady fucking You know the lady fucking gets in there at the end and at least they did that I don't like that. Well, they at least did it where it was like, you know, she's kind of like, oh, shit Like it's like a parent. She's a lady in a war So at least they did that and i'm like dude if that were any movie now would have been like five chicks It's like, oh shit here come girls all the orcs. Yeah, it's girls. They're like

Now the orcs would be like they're not as strong as men. We can beat their ass Like they you know the bad guys in every movie. They're like, you're just a woman. What are you gonna do? Yeah, and then a girl like she does like a fucking five foot in the air jump kick that clip and it's like Yeah, that's they got to knock it off, bro. They can't They cannot knock you know what I saw this week I went and saw a movie after my debacle at starbucks and cheesecake factory when I sat down and saw the kingsman I like it. Was it good? I usually don't like corny action flicks. I like this one. It was pretty neat I think you'd get a big kick out of it. I probably would you would like it

Maybe i'll go to the matinee. You should check it. Yeah, you know go to the theaters matinee mccus You should go maybe i'll have to take my wife to a night of the theaters Your wife would enjoy a night at the theater. I'm a aristocrat, dude I think we're both aristocrats now that you're mentioning it. Yeah, I think i'm more of a fat cat You're just a gentleman. I'm a gentleman dealer, dude. I'm gonna be a sly fat cat, dude Really? Yeah, it might be you're gonna plug me into the aristocrat network. That's what happens You can plug someone in and once I start doing well, I start calling you old boy. We're gonna have fun tonight old boy You got chap

Chap is a good one Yeah, dude, you just have to like get away from all things money and just be a gentleman It's just very disgusting even mentioning money is disgusting. Oh, dude. It's completely distasteful. It is distasteful You can tell new money. Yeah, you can tell new money just bloodlines families, but his family Here's what here's the deal with their family. Yes to tell the thing. There's actually a gentleman from virginia Yes, went out to chicago. I'd be a gentleman from pennsylvania son of a You know, the he's the heir to the salesman fortune and teacher fortune

He's the heir to the assistant girls volunteer basketball coach fortune Yeah Dude, yes. Hell yes, dude. I dude. I felt so good to get out of that room, man I hadn't been isolated like that in forever. Yeah, I bet two days, dude I do that every weekend on the road. I isolated in a hotel Then I have to go to stand up after what I'm dude Yeah, that's kind of nuts. Actually, I gotta start walking around. I walk when I go to the places I walk I walk I walk it out. It's important. I should walk too much though

I'll do like five miles in a day and then be like man. I'm fucked really tired Yeah, I walk around by myself and just fucking actually publicly urinated in rally. Did you I did I was slamming water Whenever I go anywhere. I go to a supermarket and I buy way too much water No, that's a good thing. Well, it is but then I go water is nice. I gotta drink all of this water So I'm constantly pounding it and I was walking around rally all these, you know No one does public bathrooms anymore. I'm bullshit. Yeah, they don't dude So I got stuck in the middle of nowhere and I'm like I had it was like level 10 had a pee So there was like an old bank that went out of order and I went back there and pee behind the tree

Speaking of public urination, I saw Andrew Santino posted a video of our buddy Chris O'Connor pissing into a fountain. What the heck? I was pissed. Where was this? I responded to I said, this is crap, dude. That's crazy. Yeah, that's bullshit. That's a crime, bro That is a crime. At least I had a decency to go hide behind a tree, dude Yeah, you can piss in a fountain and be like, uh, look at me. I don't like it People in my social circle found out that I went and peed outside. I'd be fucking laughed out of my house You'd be laughed out of the fucking city. You'd have to move. I'd have to move Dude, I'd be laughed out of my seat at my courtesan scene. The word would get out though. Even in your new city They'd be like, yeah, I heard he urinated into a fountain

Hmm, it's very lowly behavior What do you think? Do you think Ardennes could be a gentleman? I think we could bring A fucking oafish beard. What? Yeah, you gotta go clean. If you're a gentleman, you can't have a fucking beard Clean shaven, dude. Maybe a mustache Yes, you do have a nice mustache. You start wearing some gloves too, like some dress gloves, white gloves I dressed up as Santa over Christmas and wore some white gloves and they are nice. How'd you feel though? The gloves were the best part

Who'd you Santa for? The kid that she is? My girlfriend's nephew Yeah, I did a little Santa Claus for the family. Fuck. Yeah, there was a nice. I got another spirit. It was fun. Damn. That's awesome Yeah, I can tell you had fun down there. I did have fun. I mean, it was great I just drank and watched football Pretty tight and the mom cooked excellent meals. Oh, man. It was a nice time. Yeah, man. That is nice And I won big on some big bets. Oh, yeah It's a bit of a better now a bit of a big gambler. Yeah, you are a rambling gambler. Don't worry about it, dude

Let's let's keep this between us. You're a rambling gambler, man Hey, it's one of my places. Don't let it get in out amongst our social circle. We can't do we found out I was a gambler Oh my god, dude, totally disdainful. Although you could be a gentleman gambler. You can embrace that and make you some He enjoys a bit of sport. I was winning on parlays. You like parlays after watching pocs. They call parlay a lot Parlay Yes, yes, where are we at? Time was this 47 minutes? No, we're past 47 50. Okay Hell, yeah All right, we can do it. We can stretch it

Dude, but yeah, so just to give you the glimpse of my kovat journey. I had two days just laid up full fever Third day. I uh, dude, so I couldn't breathe the third day. I couldn't get a full breath Do you think you should apologize for how how nonchalant and cavalier you worry about kovat this time? You don't think you should make a public apology to the camera? No, I should not and say listen folks You might think it's fun to be like I love Trump. I'm mr. Fucking cool

But when it comes to this disease It's no laughing man. First of all, it's definitely a bio weapon. I felt it in my body and I'm like this is a bio Yeah, you could tell it was different than anything could fully tell that this was man-made I'm telling you dude like I still have like a weird taste in my mouth like this was man-made Oh, yeah, could you smell did you lose that I could smell? Oh, that's nice. I couldn't get a full breath until like day the end of day four That's why day three Fucking 17 boxes come up t-shirts and sweatshirts. Oh, no, which we Paul's obviously merch

I don't want to contaminate the bros and uh Dude and so they're just sitting I saw that I had to receive them day three. I'm still fucked up Pull 16 boxes and I'm I'm in like a robe and a hoodie. I'm sweating my fucking balls off Bring them inside and I go like It's time to get back to life and I start carrying them down the steps. I got five boxes down the steps I want to take a breath and it felt like my lungs were made of stone Just went and I was like, oh, no

Then I was like, I'm done. No more work went up. That's when we turn on the homework bound and dude I was like that'll help turns out. I can't breathe. That'll help they Hocked up a longer and I was I got that full chest expansion. I got my breath. I'm back on line, dude I was what a scary prospect. I was shitting myself, dude. We're not being able to breathe stings, but luckily I have plenty of experience with panic attacks So like I my head I was like I could distinguish between what was panic and what was genuine sickness

I had something I had something that when I was coming in and out of that starbucks after the cheesecake factory I had a Intense tightness to my chest. Did you really and I had it from before from the tarmac Damn sitting there. I had an intense like I think something's bad. It's stress, dude Stress will kill you bro chest tightness stress will fucking kill you. Yeah, it's that's the Number one quest of learning how to just kind of ebb and flow with these kind of things without stressing yourself into oblivion Because dude, it's so easy. You can fully let it all go and it like everything just works out itself There's no need to be like

Like every time like something doesn't go my way. I'll just go And it's just totally unnecessary. Did you kick a bag or anything something like that? Oh, dude Are we allowed to talk about? Yeah, dude. Oh my god. So it was day four five I've been trapped in the house all day. I got brain swelling from fucking from omicron I'm fucked up, dude. I was getting angry and dude britney was just picking at me, bro Just fucking every little thing and at one point she hit me with something that I was like Stop fucking picking at me and I got up and we just went food shopping and I just went And I was about to kick a bag, but I noticed there's asparagus in it

I was like, ah, shit. I don't want it and dude. It was completely not my choice I was out of my body in terms of like I had no control I go to kick it and I see the asparagus and I kind of like pussyfoot it So I just go like just kick this bag and she turned and looked at me and I was like Just stomped up the steps and then I was like, I'm going back. You stomped him. No, yeah, I stomped away I've seen I've only seen you once and it's during a video game, but I can imagine it's the same energy Battle with the lady and stomping up the steps. It's it's the same energy times 10 I bet I'm all the way turned up slam a door when you get up there

Uh, no, I wanted to I like I was looking at walls and I was like, and I was like, don't do it And I just going upstairs went And I just wanted to fucking slam something I was so mad. I haven't gotten that mad in forever. Really? But then I came right back down and I was just like You gotta fucking stop breaking my balls, dude There's certain things you do not need to bring to my attention. Yeah Okay Dude, but we're cool

We worked it out. We were everybody. Hey listeners. We're good. Hey guys. We're all good, man Sometimes, you know when your wife's pregnant and you both have coronavirus you get a little bit on each other. Oh, yeah No, that's totally and I have no fucking like to stand on dude. Yeah. I'm sick. I'm doing goddamn everything, dude Yeah, and you can't go to your pregnant sick wife and be like Yeah, so you just have to fucking take it dude. You don't have a leg to stand on there's nothing you have to just go Okay, I'll wait Okay, but you know again, you know the base pregnant too. So That's exciting. Yeah, I am pumped. I'm genuinely pumped. They have two little two little squirts, dude

Two little carpet crabs, dude. Just kicking around But yeah, dude, that was like I got level 10. I haven't got level 10 mad in a while It was just it was blaming on the omicron, bro. Blame it on the brain swelling, but I got like I spazz, dude Blame it on the Yeah, there was also Like spaz out dude, you have to spazz and I went up and I would come right back down and like any other thing Yeah, yeah, that's what I was doing with the cheesecake. I was thinking I was trying so hard to come back and be like, oh and one more thing

Oh, yeah, you'll be getting a fucking letter from me or something I'm not gonna let this I was thinking about after a show Being like hey everybody after parties at cheesecake factory Everybody head over there. You don't have to check in just sit down. Oh my god I could have done it and I would have said it would have only been the dogs Oh, it would have only been the wildest bros that were probably already blacked out and screaming Oh, god sending them sending the dogs into the cheesecake. You could have you could have unleashed a scourge upon the fucking hellish rash upon them

Uh, oh, this was making me chuckle quite a bit. Yes thinking about I was watching cnn's new years Have you you get to watch it at all? No Do yourself a kindness. I'll check it out. You're gonna like it. What are they doing? It's all the anchors. They really let their hair down They do it. That's like the thing they do is Anderson cooper and don lemon get fucking hammered. What and they act extra gay Isn't one of them like a gay sexual predator. Yeah, uh, don lemon The hell yeah, well, he rubbed his balls and Rubbed his hand in the guy's face and said allegedly allegedly. He's a gay sexual predator. He might not actually he's a gay sexual

Predator, that's an allegation. It's an allegation and again, you know, I don't care what guys do But you don't predate upon other gay men. Do that's a code. That's the gay men's code, dude We're allies. We're strong allies. True. Absolutely. Um, but we don't take kindly to mail Especially not male or male sexual assault. No, that's not a joke. At least if it's guys on girls, we know you're normal Long hauler, dude Long hauling and homophobia We I didn't I wasn't homophobic best. You're homophobic me Of the two of us. Who do you think is more homophobic? Not me

Definitely, definitely. I've heard you say some stuff. Come on, dude. Matt. I've heard you say what you heard me say Do you want me to tell him? Let's go tit for tat No, dude, we actually behind the scenes me and Shane were like, yo, it's you know, comedy It's funny, but like we should we need to do something. We need to protect the ally We're allies. Yeah, like dude. We need we need to do something like gayness is important and you know It's just annoying that people just can't get down with Two guys having sex. Sorry jizzing on you. It's 2022 2022, dude, and you you If you don't want to see a guy jizz on another guy, dude, you're the fucking problem. All right

You're the one. Hear me. What next time you're with your dad Next time you're with your dad rather than being all like, oh to speak dad, honestly I don't care if a guy jizzes on me and just just tell your dad that it's 2022 It's time to go home and if he says anything never speak to him again Go like this go dad get fucked And then leave the house Dad, I know you've thought about sucking dicks before at least for a second Doesn't mean you're gay, but it's time for you to get over it. Just say that and then if they say anything other than

I'm gonna say mom. I know you've thought about sucking snatch bitch You fucking dumb bitch and if they don't take kindly to that you leave and you never speak to your parents ever again Yeah, it's time to it doesn't matter that they raised you and poured their life the best they could if they're not down with social issues Abandon them into old age and let them die alone. Okay 2022 I hate when I go home and everybody around me is a fucking dumbass republican Whenever I go home and I'm like, oh my god, I just roll my eyes, dude because I'm you know me I'm nice. Yeah, dude. So like if my dad starts with his shit. I'm just like

And I grit my teeth and I get through the holidays Listening to fucking ignorant trash. I don't know how many more have any though, dude I it's time. We start discussing whether or not it's acceptable to go home and even hang out with your parents If they're gonna spout bullshit. Yeah, dude Crazy I would literally still go home if my dad was a Nazi I'd be like, yo, my dad's wild. Yeah, if Phil got it if latiners like Phil decides like It's time to bring back the right collecting paraphernalia. Yes. I'd be like, all right, Phil Fucking less weird than women's basketball

What would you rather do? Have your dad be a Oh, this is me never I'm being mean to Phil dude. Phil's not mean but I think I know what you're saying I can't tell you how much I love my dad Dude, I know we know you love I know I love my dad. I'll I'll shoot the question. I'm gonna be so fucking sad when Phil dies Oh, man. I might quit comedy when Phil dies That makes sense. I might be done. Jeff. Just toss on. I'll say there's nothing funny anymore You have to pick up the team fills the fills the laughter in my life. Yeah, you have to pick up the team, dude Yeah, I'll have to go coach with those girls with those girls. So what would you I mean the answer?

I thought you're about to ask me. Would you rather your dad be a nazi or a women's not a peddler Fuck dude. Did you just call my dad a pedophile? No, I thought you thought that you were making that connection You were just trying to do the thing the for real. Obviously the answer is you want your dad to be a nazi over a peddler Obviously, yeah, I don't think your dad doesn't have a funny bone his body bro in terms of that nonsense I'll be honest. I'm pissed. If I thought if I bring it up to debate if I even know if I even thought he did I would confront you live I would whip his ass I would confront both of you guys live you confront me and my father live on the podcast

I've sussed I I've sussed out your whole situation not a goddamn pedophile in your guys's house No, there's not a pedophile not a goddamn pedophile anywhere near that place. Thank christ You seriously, dude. How'd you grow up in a pedophile house, dude? You're not your dad Dude, don't put that evil on board Not your dad not your not your He's getting mad

I said not your dad one out of every who else you No, I'm not your pedophile. I would never I would never say anything like that about you. Sure. Yeah, you would I hear all the Nasty things you say behind my back. Yeah, you're right. I did say a bunch of what the fuck. I'm just kidding. What do you say? You should have seen him at bars a little mr. Big shot Calculating dude. No, no, I saw the dollar signs in his eyes I was hanging out quiet mind of my own beeswax like I always do You said something nasty do you remember when you said something nasty? No, that was good fun. You know, that was good fun That was fun. Okay. All right. Oh when Matt says that it's good fun when I make a joke

First of all, that was a joke for us. Only we knew what we were talking about That wasn't out into the public sphere No one knows what was going on there So we'll ever know. Dude, Gardini gets so heated I'm not gonna say anything about his family Are you loyal dude? You love your familia. Yep. When they die I don't know what I'll do either. Yeah

Well, mainly because I live at their house. Well, you'll assume you're the heir to that empire True that you have to rise you could wait them out. In fact, you can even start slowly poisoning them with arsenic I would never do that. Just put a little bit of poison in their food every day. I love my say you guys must have omnic arms Kovie's back Yeah, you could you could yeah, you could slowly take your geysers out little asbestos Having a pedophile dad would suck ass Dude one out of a thousand dads is a pedophile dad. I would say yeah, there's definitely pedophile dads out there There's a lot bro. We had a couple kicking around our parish, dude

Yeah, a couple of the old dudes checking out that fucking that crap, dude Find boy ass that little fucking kid porn, dude kid porn these dudes are chaperoting dances and shit, bro Of course they were you hear that Louis bit the Yes, yeah, yes I did it's like the guy's best at it or dudes barely containing themselves Uh Well, dude, let's get you over to the patreon. We still have several more topics to discuss

Guys, if you haven't joined the patreon yet, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah, man, I mean you might as well get while the getting's good in there too. Yeah, true. You never know Maybe I was gonna be so sweet. Maybe someday. Maybe someday. It won't be as sweet. Maybe someday me and matt'll realize We should try to make money before it's too late. True Um, it'd be fun to think about what we would do. I I know what I would do if I didn't do stand-up What's that? I would just go work with like the va talk to vets Talk therapy. That's awesome. Yeah, I would I would rather enjoy that. I would do uh

I would sell Hondas at bobby ray hall honda mechanics brick pennsylvania And then on saturdays Fridays and saturdays I would go to williams grove racetrack And get fucked up and look at cars. Hell. Yeah, and then I would sell cars. Fuck. Yeah, and then That'd be that'd be a good life Yeah, what a fucking rule I'd work my best so that I could be one of the few salesmen that gets off on saturday Which is a rare treat and I'd say look I'll come back here and be the top salesman, but I'm not working saturdays Yep, they'd say how the hell you're gonna be the top salesman without working saturdays

That's our best sales that say boys watch watch watch me you will never see a man work this fucking hard And then I would probably not work that hard Matt you got a show coming up. Yeah, uh, st. Louis st. Louis is sold out though, but That feels good to do little 50 cedars and be like Uh, I'm doing carolines on broadway the sixth seventh and eighth this weekend um But that could be sold out which would be a nice treat for me. We should probably start That's a very nice treat. We should start doing these like the first thing. Yeah, we should and we always wait

13th 14th and 15th of january. I'll be at the Tacoma comedy club in Tacoma, washington Please come Yes, sir I'll be in indianapolis helium indianapolis Uh, friday february 4th, and I just added a late show saturday. I see it. It's already selling out. I can see from here Yeah, friday saturday sold out friday february 4th and 5th. You better it look every fourth and fifth Yeah, if you're listening you better hurry up friday sold out two fridays got one ticket left Get it while you can get it and I just the 10 30 shows spanking new

So hopefully I don't show my fucking ass. No, that'll say if you're selling out already a february show It'll sell out. Yeah, so that'll be nice and then I'll be in austin, dude cap city When is it cap city is Let me see here. Oh, that's not till later, right? Yeah cap cities march 18th and 19th I'm at dania beach improv then Um guys, yeah, come on out guys Thank you for listening to our podcast and join us on the patreon if you if you choose