Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 378 - Jeep Ka-Ping (feat. Tim Butterly & Sidney Gantt)

Episode Date: January 13, 2022

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/mssecretpod Support 2 Jacked Bros @ patreon.com/TwoJackedBros Support Dad Meat @ patreon.com/dadmeatpodcast Matt's Stand up Dates: Cap City Comedy - Austin TX Bananas Comedy Club - NJ wuz MF gud. The big DAWGs away on bizniz. So Matthew called upon the Stoner Daddyz to step in in his absence. A fantastic cast ensued. Please enjoy. Some bullllshid to address - We're in YouTube time out right now for disputing the efficacy of the WHO. We behaved so badly and we're so so so sorry. Idk what got into us. So the video will be going up on the Stoner Dads tube - and will be avail free on our Paytch. Our sincerest apologies.

I agree with you. I think as soon as a black lady listens to smooth jazz, all her hair falls out. She goes bald and sleek, like bald, sleek and hot. Oh, dude. She just has like out of nowhere. She's got like 50 very like clangly wrist jewelry things bracelets. I think they're called in the black community. Yeah. She just clacking while like talking with her hands at like a teacher conference. It becomes like a literature, like a high school literature teacher. Yeah. Just vibed out. Yeah. There's a lot of spoken word poetry. Oh, yeah. Yeah, dude. The smooth jazz shit is fascinating. I that blew my mind that I thought you were on or something thinking it got absolutely Tiger Woods respectfully that it was just Kenny G. I think it's maybe it's consumed

by black ladies. Mostly that's what that album covers all about. True. When you hear smooth jet when black women hear smooth jazz, there is part of it's like I should get a loft apartment and just like make very intricate salads and just have a lot of opinions that parentee for conferences. That's all that's all I can think about. That's probably one part of it. Then there's also it was like the number one anthem of offices everywhere in the 90s. So it was like the only acceptable thing. Yeah. So that's that is kind of now that I think about that 90s were another hard PC period. So it's like the safest thing is to turn on like but then you realize it's like oh, this guy's appropriating jazz. Yeah. I hate it is the background is the background music for

every CD ROM from the 90s. So I Kenny G got paid so hard. Yeah. Boney James is more of that's a deep cut for you guys. You'd have to be a real smooth jazz head like myself to know about Boney James. Real smooth jazz brain. God damn it. Yeah, Kenny G used to send the Chinese home. Yeah, that was a sick part of the documentary. They would play a song by Kenny G called Going Home at the end of the work day in China. It was mandated. Yeah. All across the land. It was mandated. No, I swear to God. We talked about this before. In the rice fields and shit. I believe we talk unless I just have dreams where I talk about stuff on the podcast and I don't. But I yeah, dude, that was a song. It was an official song. They would play in China. So his

song got I don't know. It's like I don't know if a government has to buy it. But it was like that was their closing time. That was their closing time. It is everywhere you're at every day it came on and basically the Chinese government be like, go the fuck home right now. It was probably actually like like, you know, the IP theft, everything was probably like a Chinese knockoff of Kenny G. There's no way it was the real thing. There was a guy with his daughter. He was like she was blasting Kenny G on a clarinet. And he was like, I've been training her whole life for this. And she was just so yeah, I mean, that's not hard. Yeah, you got a lot on the tree top. You're in China. You got a lot of kids who are like ripping oboes and stuff perfectly.

Yeah, they have an obo and child surplus. That is a funny I wish I had that kind of trope going on where it's like, you know how my parents are, they're just pushing me towards excellence ruthlessly. So yeah, I could use some of that. That would have been nice. Yeah, way, way nicer than what I got. They're just disappointed that I'm not a doctor. My parents are more like get a job. Yeah, wasn't very specific. It was like gain employment. Yeah, I kind of regret that my dad thought that was like the end all be all do that my parents were like if you get a job like you're basically done. Yeah, you can get a job. You're done. Yeah, that was it. And they were like they were like impressed. Like I remember

like I started making $20,000 a year. My dad was like, Oh, thank God. I don't know, man, I feel like we're going to run out of food all the time. Got a boy. Yeah. That's my son. It is $20,000 though. I would love it once. I know it's over a year. I want to get a job. I do want to get a job at McDonald's and be like pay me at the end of the year. And just get a lump sum. Just try to survive. I'll just like, you know, figure something out in the meantime. It's like $6,500 after taxes. Two tax returns. What's up? Excuse me, guys, I'm still recovering from long COVID. There's people who were like pissed it got me as bad as it did. What do you mean? Just being like, what the fuck, dude? He's

being a pussy. It's like got cocked by COVID. I wish I wish in parents. They're disappointed. I do have Asian, I have online Asian parents for sure. There's a few. I wish I wish it didn't. They want respiratory excellence from you. Nothing less. I was trying to be a slave to the narrative the whole time. I was like, this is nothing. Have you been taking NAC? You got to take NAC. What's NAC? It's like an amino acid supplement you take and it fixes your breathing after COVID. What? Yeah, dude. I had like lemon lime fluids coming out of my sinuses, not even like mucus. It was like I was breathing and then I would hear like a gurgle in my like up behind my eyes. What? I was like, whoa, what was that? And then I would start to taste a weird

thing and then I would launch out. It was fluid. I got the weird taste. There was like every now and again where I'd get like the I felt like COVID has a taste. You got rocket snot. Yeah, there's like a taste that comes down. It almost no sector from Mortal Kombat. Yes. I got like sector saliva. You get like robot saliva. What the fuck is that stuff? You get the web, dude. Yeah. I might have had sectors web pop out of my chest. That's all off and up sectors web. What did it taste like? It almost tastes like industrial, dude. Like there's like a new flavor. It's like there's a new twist on an old classic. There's snot. You know, you have snot coming down. Yeah. This tasted like snot mixed with a little bit of like WD-40 or like ground up Tylenol almost

something. It's chemically. It's weird. I remember like it would like and it rushes down the back of your throat and you're just like, yeah, fuck is that brand new bland brand new taste experience. I've never had it before. Yeah, dude. Damn. It's the bio curious. That was what I knew. I was like, this was grown in a lab for sure. This was a weapon. Yeah. We also, by the way, we're like suspended off of YouTube right now. Oh, I mean, it's, it's, it's not, no one's even going to see this. Who cares? Yeah, we're going to, this will be on a separate channel, dude. Put up on the Patreon. Put this on public. The what? Getter. We wouldn't have to, dude. Someone's on our ass. Someone fucking kicked us off. Well, suspended us from a video

from like 2020. Someone's on our ass and fucking nitpicking us. So we might have, we might have to get any suspect. Hey, Patriots, we might have to go to rumble and activate. We might have to go to rumble Patriots. We might have to go to Cheddar. I don't know what, what are the hot, what are the sick underground video sites right now? Band off video. Band off video is the ultimate. That's Valhalla, dude. That's where all the true dogs go after they create so much content, dude. They kicked off. I haven't touched upon that yet, but I will. No. Oh man. But yeah, dude, we got someone on our fucking case, dude, causing a problem. So we'll see what happens. It's funny. They like,

Gardini was like, yeah, I think our YouTube channel is down for a week. And I was like, I'll get around to sorting that. I haven't done anything about it yet. You're grounded. Grounded, bro. Oh, we're up. Can we up? We're still up. We just can't upload. We're in time out. We can't upload till Friday. No, maybe we'll just put this up on Friday. Yeah, we could do that. What if we get a good report card? Can we get out early? Yeah, good behavior. Dude, it's crazy how they can do that anonymously. It's crazy. You have to show themselves. They kind of, well, it depends. For copyright, they do have to show you like their email address. This, I don't know. This is like apparently. This might be automated. I don't know. It might

be because if you, the thing we read, if you disagree with a WHO, they can strike you down. It's weird territory we're getting into. If you disagree with an institution, it's like, what if they're fucking wrong, bro? What if they're wrong about one? I want to trial by combat. True. WHO. WHO, name your champion. Did you ever hear about the doctor that would be sick? Did you ever hear about the doctor? I think his name was Semmelwies. He was the guy who discovered germs before Louis Pasteur. I just read a book about people in Paris. So now I'm like totally French, but it was before

Louis Pasteur did the germs. There was a guy, Semmelwies, who was, he was a doctor, and he was working in a, like wherever you deliver babies, like a nursery ward or whatever. Delivery ward. Delivery ward. There's the word, bro. A maternity ward. I'm more of a science guy. I don't know all these words. I just, I'm pure like binary, but yeah. So he. Back then they called it delivery ward. Maternity, the word wasn't invented yet. I think they called it the fucking bitch box back then. Yeah, I work at the bitch box. But it was like, I think 25% of women were dying in these.

He was in Austria and this is, I guess in the, whenever, before people knew about germs, like mid 1850s, whenever, maybe it was early, I don't know, but he was like, dude, how come at this one place, none of the ladies are dying and all the other places, all the other bitch boxes, 25% are checking out and they're all showing the same symptoms. So he's like, I got to figure out what it is. He tried like laying them on their sides and doing all this other stuff. Try and tell them to shut up. Did you guys shut up? It's just fucking in your heads. You're not dead. I tried telling them that their enemies were fat. I tried everything that I can to help these

fucking women. They just died. Dude, so what here's what he figured out. So what they were doing in like, you know, I guess this was like a general like medical center, because the doctors were doing altopsies. So they would do altopsies and then it's be like, and then go, it will cut a dead body up. Oh man, like you're closing cinnamon toes. Yep. And then exactly, just be like done with that. And then they'd go deliver a baby and they would transfer dead people germs into a woman's vagina. So he figured this out. It was altopsies. And he said, look, after you do an autopsy, you got to rub your hands with like lime and like some other thing. And there's some shit on dead bodies that we're putting into girls vaginas

and killing a quarter of the women who come into hospitals to deliver babies. Dude, so this theory came out and he he demonstrated it. He was like, I have 1% of people dying as opposed to 25%. And this is why a film prominent Philadelphia doctor was like, well, doctors are gentlemen and gentlemen's hands are clean. And everyone's like, yeah, pussy, fuck you. Gentlemen's hands are fucking clean. Yeah, they just did my hands are dirty. He ended up getting kicked out of the medical community and died in an insane hospital. Which which one the guy said hands are clean or no, the hands of the gentleman just kept being a kick ass doctor. He tried to invent washing your hands and they were like, no, they were like, fuck you. That's for poor people.

We're gentlemen. And we don't have dirty hands. These girls are dying because they're dumb. It's there's nothing to do with us chopping dead bodies up and then delivering babies. This was dude, this game. This was like maybe late 1800s. Yeah, semi we studio. He ended up fucking dying from a fucked up infection. Ironically enough. It's so funny to imagine a guy going to deliver a baby in the 1800s, like instead of like the glove down the arm is just to be like, man, I chopped up this dead kid. I just chopped up a dead mom. Oh, hey, here we go. Yeah, pretty funny. That was that was making me laugh. I mean, because that is funny to think that like if you're a gentleman and she's dying and she's clearly a slut. True. That was kind of the

that was the thing back then. If women lose their mind, they'd be like, she's an immoral slut. Imagine how dirty asses were back then. I mean, it was it wasn't even like you couldn't even comprehend. When did they come out with toilet paper? No, prods. Get on that. Dude, all topics must have been sick back then, too. Just like a person and be like, I don't know. Ew, dude, he's also full of guts. Is this invite? No idea what any of this is, dude. This is gross. Jump in. 1857. Whoa. What were they doing before that? No, I think what did you do after you pooped before

18? I think they're probably like a towel. Yeah, I think it's like a river. Yeah, just like water. He was like a bad cowboy down to a water source after their touch. Look up early butt wiping technology. There was Middle Eastern countries. Yeah, exactly. You only you there was a in Lebanon they keep a pitcher above the toilet and you're supposed to like splash in your left hand and just like throw water in your ass like non bidet. It's like proto bidet. Manual bidet. Manual bidet. And then you in Lebanese culture, you don't touch it. Your left hand is your shithand. Little self fly. Yeah, you don't touch people with your left hand. It's considered like a really fucked up. What'd you say? Self fly. Yeah. Classic. All right. Why don't you chill out?

What do you got? No, are you fucking stoned? Like a little bit. I came here to honor my family. What are you doing? It's like me too, bro. Early Americans use dry corn cobs. What? Like after the colonels were out, it's like, you know, it's like kind of like the soft like husk. That's I know what a corn. Yeah, they just like they stick it in their butter cheese. I think they cheese great their butthole with it. I think it was like one insertion. That's what a corn husker is. They would never. So they use corn cobs. They would use leaves, handfuls of straw, seashells even. What? Yeah. And then when

paper became more prominent and expendable, they began to use like newspaper catalogs and like magazines and that's that's what my the one the guy who ran a place that fixed forklifts. He did not forever. He didn't have toilet paper in the place he worked at. Everyone had to wipe their ass with a magazine. Yeah, page in the magazine. He held it down like that forever. Now in his family, they're like toilet papers are fucking pussy scammed. Use a lady's face. Use a perfume ad on your ass. Yeah, it hurts at first, but you get pretty callous really quickly. I was telling Sid that was my mom's whole philosophy. She won't. She would never let us use soft toilet paper. She was like, you got to use hard toilet

paper because you got to be ready if you go somewhere that doesn't have soft toilet paper. I have the softest butthole. Dude, my mom built me for the road, dude. Dude, I was complaining about toilet paper the whole time. The whole time we're in. Yeah, dude, just crying. That is something I would like to avoid doing ever. What? Complaining about toilet paper while I'm on the road with my boy everywhere we go. Dude, I was just crying about my butthole. What kind of toilet paper do you usually use? I'm like three ply. Like Angel soft like Angel soft. Are you like Angel soft Charmin type? Uh, yeah, Charmin or Connell. Yeah, I'm Scott. I'm straight up Canadian down.

I'm industrial Scott, dude. Just give me like thin fuck it. Give me like rolling papers, Scott. I took Bible papers, dude. That's why I wipe my ass. But I rolled up like like Winnie the Pooh. I rolled up into like a mummy fist and I fucking just unsatisfactorily wiped my ass. I got a premium bidet from Amazon. It's hard to go anywhere else. It's actually, you know how like, you know how you get like a really bad like diarrhea cramp and you're like racing at home and you're driving really fast. I live for that now. I'm just like, yeah, baby, I'm coming home. That's your fast and furious. Yeah. That'd be a sick fast and furious gang. Just redlining your ass with the Crohn's dudes with Crohn's like, let's get back to the house.

Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. I can't. Your car just flips over and explodes. Fuck. Shit himself. But yeah, that still holds up. If you're getting pulled over, you can be like, I got a shit. And I, I swear to God, I think 75% of cops will be like, get out of here, brother. Get out of here, brother. You tell a cop you got a shit. They're just like 100%. That's always my plan. Yeah. Tell me, oh, shit, especially if you have a kid, like, yeah, my kid is fucking pants. That's the kid. I got pulls you over. Shit, you're pants. My fucking kid shit his pants. One time my, uh, one time Ben was like eight at the time and we were driving back across the bridge from going to see the movie and he was feeling sick because he ate too much popcorn with synthetic

butter. True. And he was like, oh, I'm going to throw up and I didn't have any, I didn't have an easy pass and I didn't have time. He was, I live right on the other side of the bridge. And I, I didn't have time to stop at an ATM to get bridge toll money. Sure. And I got to the bridge. I was like, Hey, look, man, my kid's about to puke and I didn't have time to go to any, is there some way you could just like grab the plate built? He was like, what you can do is there's a pull off road over there and you can go back around and there's a wah wah like five minutes back. You can go to that ATM and I was like, he denied that. Yeah. And then he likes, he had a state trooper like follow me down this path.

What? So that I had to go back and get $5 for the bridge. What a dick, dude. Yeah, dude. So that doesn't work with bridge toll operator. I've had the opposite experience. I've had the experience where I just can't also. Oh, and then he puked on the ground in front of a wah wah. I've gone through a toll on accident when I was driving for Lyft and I was like, dude, I fucked up and they're like, just come through. And I was like, thanks. Well, they have the on that bridge, they have the barrier even when you're using easy pass. So you have to stop, it comes up and then you go.

Yeah, I didn't have an easy pass at the time. I was just like, yo, I fucked up and made the wrong turn. I had to turn around. Can I just come back through and they're like, yeah, you got it. But they're also, they probably have no pity for people having to shit because they're in a fucking. They're just stranded all day. So they're probably like, yeah, he's got a shit or throw up. I've had a shit and throw up all fucking day. And I got to sit in this fuck. I can't abandon my post. I'm glad that's a job that I think is almost entirely gone now.

It's dude. It's gone. Yeah, it's not going to last very much longer. I mean, that's that's one you can say, you know, I remember the last time I saw a person in a toll boot. I see him every now and again parking in the airport parking lot thing. The guy, man, that's private business. I'm talking about on the highway. I think the PPA gets a fucking piece of that airport parking too. Yes. There was a big scam they did. I remember this before the PPA, I think, or maybe the PPA had a had their hand in it, but someone might run the parking lots. They do.

They're, I think, slightly before that or someone positioned in the PPA. One of my dad's boys brothers got caught up in like a million dollar parking scam at the airport, went to jail. I don't know if it was a scam or if it was like a fake shift. Like if you were like a big shot, they would just hire you as a fake parking attendant and pay you like $300,000 a year. Really? Something like that. But yeah, pretty cool hustle. This guy went to jail for like, he got in a lot of trouble for it. Good. Yeah. He's a criminal, dude. That's crime. I fucked the park. I took parking valour one time.

I valed, I valed for this company and I was supposed to give the valet service a bunch of money and like they were going to pay me and I just kept all the money and left. How have you ever gotten a job? A second job. The reference that you had. Yeah, the next job. You make them up. Yeah.

You just make them up. I had like five different resumes. For any different industry, I'd be like, oh, I have five years of experience in this industry. I have five. I just wouldn't make shit up. Wow. Yeah, man. You would heist. How long into the parking job did you pull the heist? Was it like first week?

First day. Pretty much every job I had in high school and it with either, well, it didn't even end. It would just be, it would happen to me too. It technically wouldn't start. Pretty much. Well, I did have the candy stand. I worked at a candy stand. That was, that was, I was honest as they came on the candy stand. But once the new owners came in, they were fucking assholes. So I go into, I would go into vengeance mode as an employee.

As soon as I had a perceived slight, I'd be like, okay. And I would start stealing as much money from them as I could until I either got fired or usually I just quit. I was like, this sucks. I would just quit. What was your, what was your favorite employment heist? The parking thing was one of my biggest licks. I feel like it's a single day. Yeah. The parking thing was I sat in a club in New Jersey and just, I didn't even park the cars. It was too much for me. I didn't know how to drive

stick at the time either. So I would just go like, yo, go park over there. And like, they were just piling me fives on my thanks. And then they would tip me and I just took all the money because it was just me. This is why I got slighted. It was supposed to be me and another person. The dude who got me the job didn't show up because, you know, he was just getting kind of fucked up at the time. And the other dude, the manager tried to big dick me being like, bring me my, he tried to pit me. He's like, bring me my money. And I was like, no, bro,

this girl, this gal is independent. So I was, I just never brought him his money. So he was like, bring me all the money so we can divvy it up. I was like, or and what I did too, this is actually really bad. I had everybody's keys and I just left early. So they all came out. Everyone had to find their keys on the board. I just abandoned posts with all the money. It was the Woodbiden New Jersey. I was like, this sucks. And I had like 400 bucks. I was like, I'm going home. I just left and I had to come out and I think these are my key.

There's just keys chilling on a board. So this dude never tracked you down. You never gave him your home address. They had, it was just my boy. They were like, yo, call one of your friends to help you work. And I showed up. My boy's like, yo, I'm not coming. So your boy got fucked. I mean, dude, he was not long for this job. Anyway, he know called no showed. So he know called knowing he was no call no showing was like, come with me. We'll do this job and split a couple hundred bucks.

And he was like, yeah, I'm not coming. I was like, this is bullshit. So I was like, you're like an expert in low level heights. I'll do this would be an incredibly terrible movie. At the end of it, I just bought like a half pound of weed. Now it's like my fucking efforts are complete. Now I take over. Do you ever think about like coming out of retirement for one last job? Oh man, I'm in the villa right now, dude. I mean, something could bring me out of retirement. You're in the villa.

I'm in the villa. I'm sexy beast right now. Yeah, there was the candy. The candy stand was a slow and steady just I was zapping, bro. That was like, I mean, they were asking for that. The cash register was just a no codes for anything. It was just like, you weigh the candy, you eye it up and you say, all right, that thing says eight dollars. Let me type eight dollars in here. That was instantly like, that thing says eight. I'm typing two.

Matt tax. And I would just do that stuff. I would stuff money in my shoe all day. I would and I'd work with other people and I would just like, you know, dude, I just imagine being his boss and it's like, Matt, I haven't, I hate to even bring this up. But it looks like over the past two years, you might have stolen $37 from Oh, dude, I was I was so I was make I was grounded at the time, too, because I got in trouble for I got paid $200, no, $300 to take the rap for alcohol for a senior. So I already had three hunch for taking a suspension. My parents are so fucking bad, dude. I took the suspect.

They at least respect the three hundred dollars. No, they told me they're like, you didn't get paid for this, did you? We would disown you because I was like, I felt bad for the guy. And then in my head, I was like, I also made three honey. So they're like, if you my dad, remember, he was like, I know some guy who does this shit, he goes to jail for money. He's a fucking loser, dude. He's like, taking the rap is fucking loser shit, dude. I was like, fair enough, but I also have $300.

So I had three hunch. So when I was so when I was grounded for taking the fall, then I got a job at a candy stand. Yeah. When I was at the candy stand, that's when I, you know, the lady who hired me, I was faithful as hell. And then they fired her and the two new guys came in and were like, why do we have a dude here? Because they only hired high like hot high school chicks. So the lady hired me and they were trying to fucking like edge me out. And I was like, all right, boys, we can play. You guys don't play hardball. And dude, I was like, I would take 50% of their sales every day.

I'd leave. I was leaving there with like a couple hunch every day. I was, I was killing, I was coming up off the candy game. And then that's when after a while they stopped, they like stopped putting me on the schedule. Obviously they were like, hold on a second. These sales numbers. They pass them aggressively, accuse you of stealing. They never even say they didn't accuse me. They were just like, yeah, we'll call you if we need you. And they just let it go. Wow. Maybe they thought you're actually, maybe they're like, you're right, hiring a fucking brutish man did bring our sales down.

Yeah, that was a, that was sick. And then I had, then I went to Brewster's and that Brewster's a little more complicated, but they showed me the free baby cone button. So you had to like hit the buttons and it rung up everything automatically. Like, but if you give someone a free baby cone, hit free baby cone, it zeros out the register. So if anything landed on a totally even number, I would go free baby cone. The register would open. I would take the money, hold my fist and like act like I was messing with bills and put it in. And if it was like, someone got like a thing that was exactly 40 bucks, I'd go bingo. And I would take the,

keep the 40 bucks. Sometimes I got greedy. I got sloppy towards the end. And my boys always do. My boys would come and they would just wouldn't give me any money. I'd give them all ice cream. And then they hold on. I'd hit free baby cone, open the register and just hand them money back. I was a nightmare. I have a bad, I've bad employment karma. Yeah. So what is because I got slighted? If I got, if they didn't slight me, I'd be as honest as could be. As soon as they slighted me, I say, all right there. You ever think maybe you're too sensitive for employment? Yes, I think so. I think so. Especially imagine being 16 and be like, I deserve respect.

If you don't respect me, I'll steal from your business. I would steal to the point where I wanted the business to go out of business. Like I wanted to destroy them, not just a couple of bucks. I'm like, I'm going to destroy this place because I don't even know why Brewster's, I just didn't like being there. I'm like, this, I can't believe they're doing this to me. This job is boring. Dude, I was so whack when I was trying to give revenge on jobs. What'd you do? I would just stop doing my job at a high level of quality.

That's actually kind of sick though. That's kind of sick though. I was working at Wendy's in this fat manager. She found out that my sister was a chick that beat her up in high school. So she started being mean to me. I think they have a thing for the handbook in Wendy's about that. If Nicole fucked you up in 88. Yeah, it was, so I stopped toasting the buns. Whoa.

Yeah. So like, if you, if you worked the, if you were taking them down, that's like one of the, you're taking, that's absolutely taking a business down for sure. For like, people kept coming back complaining about their sandwiches because nobody, people don't even know that you toast the buns at Wendy's. They just knew that the burger didn't taste right. And they would come back and like, something's wrong with my burger. Yeah. Cause if you work, if you work the first window at Wendy's where you get the money, you're also supposed to be back there toasting buns the whole time.

You're supposed to ditch and then toast the bun. Yeah. You're constantly toasting buns. So I would just take the buns and take them from the bag and put them where they're supposed to go. Wow. Yeah. Got them. That's fucking it. Got them.

Fuck them, dude. Got what they deserve, dude. Yeah. Dave is probably sitting there and they're probably like, Dave, something's going on in the fucking, in his branch, north town branch or something up. You can't figure it out. You can't cause like, they send out like the expert, like internal affairs guy who shows up. The men in gray suits came out.

He gets all nervous. What do you, what do you guys hear? Right? I didn't know corporate was sending anyone out. How long do you typically place the buns on a warm surface? But what do you know about? The normal times in training. Clicks the pen to write down.

Okay. Yeah. Dude, their toaster was sick too. What was it? Because it was just like a conveyor belt and you would just like put them on the conveyor belt and then they'd pop out and you'd put them back together and put them where they go. I used to do that in college. I used to pre-make PB and J's and put them through the conveyor toaster and every now and again,

one would get stuck in there and I'd be like, time to leave. It's time to roll. Dude, one time my dad fired me from a job over a conveyor belt. What happened? He had a printing company or he worked for, I don't know, but he got me hired at a printing company and I was just doing silkscreen printing all day. So it'd be this giant like 5,000 pound machine and I would print like a binder with like whatever goes on it and then you'd throw it under a conveyor belt under a UV light dryer.

And the one material that he had is printing one day like kind of like bowed up. It wouldn't sit completely flat no matter what I tried. And one of them got stuck under the conveyor belt and started fire. Oh, yeah. And some fucking loser as dude like just stood there and I was like panicking. I had a small fire under an electronic device and I had to go to my dad and I was like, dad, I started a fire at your job. Please help me.

Like he was in an office like, you know, doing whatever the fuck he did. Damn. Yeah. And then the fucking loser dude was like, I've never seen that happen before. Fuck off before I was fired. Fuck off. Yeah, he should have helped. Something like that.

He should have helped. Yeah. The other thing I did at Wendy's when I was trying to take him down, is I started telling everybody at the window who ordered chili, how he made the chili. You told the secrets? I gave out the secret. So what do you, so they would test the way that the burger. I don't get kicked off a YouTube again.

Give me some secrets. So when you're, when you, when they would test to see if the burger was done, they would take a spatula and you would cut off like a very small sliver of the burger to see if it was cooked. And then that sliver, you would push into the grease trap. And then at the end, like somebody would take all those burger slivers out of the grease trap and that's what you ground up to make the chili. Oh, that sounds so good.

Yeah. Damn, dude. So I just started telling people that's how they did it. They just take a little bit of frosty and go, smokes up. That's actually pretty sick, dude. Yeah. Damn.

Yeah. Now you know. And it was like back and forth. Like some people would be like, ew, that's disgusting. And other people were like, that sounds. Dude, stop. Can I do that at home? How much of the burger grease gets in the chili?

Do I have to be extra now? Damn. I might go to Wendy's and be like, let me get the chili. I know. I know how you guys make it. Let this one marinate, please. Are they all, are they allowed? Yeah.

I guess you can do that. You could store all the meats. Yeah. The trap. Ain't no wrong with that. I mean, that's, that's pre COVID stuff. I don't think you're allowed to do that now with the fucking, that's the old normal, dude.

Take that up with Dave. It's a new normal, dude. Get used to it. All right. You guys please get used to the new normal. Stop belly aching about the new normal. I love that. That phrase is brand new.

Do your grease traps wear a mask? What? What'd you say about that? Yeah. You just put a, just put a mask on your grease trap. You're good. True. Fair enough.

KN95. I'm big on that. The KN95 mask? I've been on them since day one. I've been wearing them before. I used to walk around them before the pandemic. I don't fuck with fitted shit at all. What do you mean?

You got to, you got to sit down. Choose your words carefully, dude. Choose your words carefully. You get us kicked off, dude. If you're not down with fitted stuff, dude. My bad. You got to be down with fitted stuff. I don't love fitted.

I love a tight fit, dude. You know, you test a good respirator fit. You go, if it collapses against your face, you got a good seal. And if I don't have that, I'm not going anywhere, dude. Oh, yeah. I make sure my kids see me not wearing a mask in the Wawa. Dude. We go to the Wawa and they go,

Dad, I think we're going to have to wear masks. And I go, we don't have to. That's swag, dude. Yeah. Every time I'm nervous, I'm like, oh my god, dude. This could be so embarrassing. But dude, it's like a fat lady behind the cash register. She was like, could you put a mask on?

I'm just like, oh, yeah, my bad. What I do now is if I get someone who like spazes on me about the mask in a store, I get really polite and I go, of course. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Of course. That's classic dickhead stuff. Very classic.

This is vintage dickhead work you're doing. I literally go, oh my god, I'm so sorry. What was I thinking? I'm so majesty. I do it very, I know it's very slight. I don't go like, of course you're mad. I just go like, ramp it up. And you're like, oh my god, I'm so sorry.

How could I be so thoughtless? Is there anything else I could do for you? You're mad. That's how you have to do it. No, I just go like, oh my, oh my, I'm, of course, of course. They're always like, oh fuck. You get on both these, you prostrate yourself on the floor. Oh my god, do you hand them something to hit you with?

Mercy, mercy, mercy. I just keep walking like I didn't know they were talking to me. And then they're just like, oh, he's black. He can do what he wants. You're not allowed to tell a black person twice to put on a mask. You're not allowed, you're not really allowed to tell them to put them on at all. From what I've seen. Well, you can like, you can gesture to your face.

You can like make a gesture. Typically what happens is if someone sees you without one, they take theirs and they just, they adjust it. That's something I've noticed. They go, yeah. Or they're like, throw their back against something. Even though you're tensing away, they're like, like you're a, like a bad dog or something.

I'm going for grandparent glory. I just so badly want my, sitting with my grandkids. Like, did you do any of that shit? And be like, fuck no. Absolutely. I was gay. Fuck no. I used to work with guys that didn't believe in asbestos.

It was the best. Whoa. Yeah. I remember we had a shutdown and job and the one guy's like, your uncle's afraid of the bullshit because he's a pussy. I'd be like, I think he's right on that. I think there's a good idea. Stuff's the real deal.

Those guys love dying though. You do get asbestos. I, there's, I've met like a handful of asbestos deniers that are like, bro, you're going to get it. You're going to get it. This is like back in the nineties. They'd be like, dude, it's not what they say. They were installing it and everything.

Yeah. So we had probably seemed unavoidable. True. We had asbestos in a candy cigarettes. Candy cigarettes probably were asbestos. It probably did to smoking them. Probably were. We had a, in our grade school, the library was just wall to wall.

I remember the one day that you guys can't go to the library. It's all asbestos. But asbestos is fine as long as you don't break it up. As long as it's not like in the air, you could, if this was, if these were asbestos walls, fine. It's just the install and the, and the demolish. Yeah. So I have a, I have a basement floor that's covered.

That's half covered in asbestos tile. I'm working on stuff in my house. This is where I'm probably going next. Dude, I've taken, I've chipped up asbestos tile. Bro, I'm sorry. It's crumbling every time I walk through the basement. It's friable. So now it's friable.

Is that the word? Friable means, yeah. If it's, if it's like able to become airborne, you have friable asbestos. Yeah. I noticed that like on my foot the other day, and I was like, oh God, I'm fucked. I'm just tracking this into like,

there's a connected garage in the basement. I'm just tracking this into a small room that I sit in every day to like work from home or, or do like Twitch streams and shit. Yeah, you'll be, you're dead. Dude, I've chipped up asbestos tile a bunch of times. Okay. Before they got like super, like you need to hire like a strictly asbestos dudes with the fucking like plastic bug mask.

Dude, my dad would hit, you know. If it's a DIY job and you're doing it one time. You'll be fine. You'll be fine. You'll be fine. Just, you know, just get a cool dump guy and be like, hey, I got something. You got a hot load.

You know, I would just throw out some at a little bit at a time and put it in the regular trash. Dude, I microdose paint into my trash. You can throw out latex paint now. Can you? Yeah. Well, this is strictly oil based. This is the most harmful stuff.

Yeah, that stuff stuff. That's, they're not, they're not too keen on that stuff. Yeah. Yeah. If you take contractor bags, you can throw it, you can throw a car battery away in the regular trash. It doesn't matter. Oh, you can throw anything.

You can throw someone's head away. Fuck. Yeah, dude. Send. All you got to do is you got to next time the kids go away, you run a tile chipper. You know, you just fucking and then you take one. You do, it's a, it's a right to pass.

You hold your breath. Man of the house, dude. Yeah. You just take the spestos. Yeah. And if we said it's just part of the floor, I'll come do it with you. I want to die.

It's not that much. I'll come do it with you. I kind of want to die. Spud got me to stop using paint or tape when I paint. I think you just got me to not use a mask while I pull up a spesto in my face. You should wear, you should probably protect your face. Bro.

I was a big, on the construction site. Me and Matt are on pussies, dude. We don't wear masks. On the construction site, I was the biggest dust pussy you could imagine. I hate dust, dude. I hate it. Anytime dust kicked up, I'd be like, uh, can I get a mask, Danny?

He'd be like, here, here, here, here. Dude. My uncles would wear them with no strap on the bottom. Your uncles had to brutalize you over that. One time I asked for a pair of gloves to help pull a tree stump out of the ground. And my uncle was like, what are you, gay? Yeah, dude.

We were, yeah, it's, we're in a place one time where it was asbestos. There's like, there's not just asbestos like tiles and floor. They have asbestos, um, like insulation on pipes, dude, that's the one that gets you. It looks like a cast and you just hit it and it's just turn, you know, the dust kicks up. But we, there was like these windows with like asbestos caulk.

And I remember it was just like, they were running machines in the building. We couldn't break the windows out because they were asbestos caulked. So it was just like the building was just blue with diesel smoke. Was this like the best material ever invented asbestos? Yeah. I think it was just like the number one material ever.

I think it was like hard as hell. Yeah. So it's probably cheap to make and it was, I think some guy made it and was like, yeah, I definitely want to sell this stuff. Whoa. Didn't they take an ingredient out of four loco? I'm going to start.

It's probably, it's probably asbestos is in four loco. Asbestos is the original four loco. That's what gets you fucked up. I think asbestos, like. I'm going to start using it. If it was so good, dude, like, dude, the government can't tell me I'm not allowed to use asbestos. True.

How are the sickest materials available? I think it, look up the properties of asbestos. Is it good? I think no. It's good. Asbestos is sick as fuck. I mean, imagine if you found out like tinfoil. The fucking poosies.

Imagine if you're like, they're like, all you have tinfoil gives you cancer. You're like, bro, tinfoil's a shit. Yeah. Tinfoil's crazy. Never giving up tinfoil. Tinfoil's the fifth element, dude. I was thinking about that the other day,

like how, how disrespectful it is that we just toss out tinfoil. You should be reusing it until it falls apart. That's not a bad idea. No, after you use tinfoil, you're supposed to make a really cool ball out of it and just throw it around for a little bit. That's true.

Every single piece of tinfoil you ever use. That's still a reuse. 00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:51,680 Yeah, just collect it. That actually is a good idea. Oh yeah. And then you just rub it around on a table for a really long time

until the table starts to have like metal shavings on it. And you're like, oh, you're looking at the smooth edge of the tinfoil ball. You don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Go on, man. You're like, oh dude, I've perfectly mirror polished this edge of the tinfoil ball.

Hell, you might be a different, this might be a different mineral now. I've tumbled this. Is this quartz now? What you got? Asbestos is naturally occurring. Nobody made it. It's just like a naturally occurring silicate mineral.

You're a fucking shill, dude. There's six different kinds. Really? Yeah. It's a silicate. It's not even a drug, dude. It's a, it's a long thin. It goes in the air.

Bro, it could be drugs. It's a, it's a long thin fibrous crystal. That's how it grows. What? And they just, I guess they just like compact it to make like, like tiles. So what you tell me it's in the earth? It's in the earth.

Asbestos is in an earth? Welcome to earth. What? And then someone who was, I get, were they synthesized? Why did they give up on it? They could have fixed it, I'm sure. Because the particles are like,

the silicate gets in your lungs. Yeah, but you know how they make, remember when they started making like car glass different to make it safer, just do the same thing for what? I don't know. Yeah. It's the same thought process.

Completely non-triable. Pokes filled. Yeah. Well, dude, the asbestos, the asbestos like particle looks like a fucking medieval weapons. What the hell is that? That's asbestos, bro.

That's the particle? It looks filthy. No, that's like what it looks like in nature. Yeah, look up. That's fucking wicked. Right. Look up a asbestos particle. From what I understand,

this could be bullshit, but someone told me the particle itself is shaped like a fucking, like a spiked weapon. Oh, like shuriken? Look at that fucking thing, dude. That's gonna get in your lungs and get you. That is cool.

Yeah, man. Dude, I was a full-on dust pussy at work the whole time with my dad, and there was a guy who, he was total anti-dust pussy, and he was, that was the guy who told me, as a man,

you never apologize to anyone ever. Just hand him a piece of candy. Very George W. Bush. He's like, you just walk up and go. He used to work for this guy. Like, I used to work with Sam Jr. He never apologized.

He'd come up, he'd be wrong as hell. Hand me a piece of candy. That's how you knew. You never, man, never apologized to yourself. Like, that's a horrible fucking- I like that.

This is big. Just go up and use the N word at work. Here's a sugar daddy. That's two pieces of candy. Here's a fucking king-sized kid old dude. Fuck. That's how black people

start getting diabetic in the early 70s. He's being shabbed. White dudes hand him candy. Yeah, a lot of office black grandmoms missing feet. Oh my god. Yeah, that guy, he was dead serious. Like, a man never apologizes.

This is, that was a level of consciousness from like the sweet, we skyrocketed levels of consciousness from like the 60s to now. Oh, yeah. We never get enough credit for it. I was just talking to Ansley

about this the other day. It's funny to me how we don't give a shit like if a kid falls in a well anymore. Like, remember society used to stop. Like, dude, you don't even know when it happens. Like, when miners get trapped in shit, we don't even know when it happens anymore. Society used to stop when that happened

and we were all like, did they get out yet? Yeah. Dude, you know that- Well, there were those cave kids, remember? 2010, 2010. But did you know that this, like this past week,

in Pennsylvania, a dude got stuck in a mine for eight hours? Did you even know that? I think a lot of people are anti-mines. You'd have a lot of people in like coastal elite cities that'd be like, well, that serves them right for being down there

and destroying the environment. I hope they all stay down there. The coal is making my environment bad. And I hope everyone gets trapped out there. I thought my environment seemed a little nasty. It must be that guy kicking up dust. But, dude, it is a degree warmer today.

Yeah, that guy died, by the way. Yeah, I got stuck in a mine. After eight hours? Eight hours. Yeah, they found him crushed. He was crushed. Yeah, he got crushed. I don't know.

What did he get crushed by? A gigantic rock? Yeah, he was like- It's a concept of time, actually. He began to ponder as soon as the lights went out. Did he get crushed by a gigantic rock or a bunch of tiny ones? He was like child support payments, crushed him.

Now, he was like in some sort of mining equipment that got crushed. What? Yeah. Do you know if you're digging a trench and you're up to your waist and the trench collapses, you'll die? If you're up to your waist and-

Disagree. I do, look it up. I'm motion 30 certified, bro. Yeah, but they're being overly safe. That's for like- Oh, dude. No, that's because the average person would die, but I wouldn't.

Here's what happened. Not this person. Dude, my core is so strong. Warnings are for their average Joe's, dude. Not exceptional people. If you guys took dirt, you have no idea how much that weighs. If you're in like a four, four and a half foot trench, you get all of a sudden-

It's like having thousands of pounds on you and your heart explodes. We have four hours of Wim Hof training, dude. Speak it up. It's never gonna stop you guys. Let's set it up then. Dude, I'll just shrimp out of that. Get the fuck out of here.

You guys wouldn't fucking die. Set it up. Say it to this guy, Tim. Show me this tower. In 2017, he died in Northwest Washington after being waist high in a trench and it collapsed. For how long? You guys, you guys-

Look at his little ass legs. Your dad died, dude. You were like this time. Yeah, let me see this guy. He had four children and one grandchild. He was too old. He was too old to be doing the job. They have a monument.

How am I a pro? He's a big body. They have a monument of him in the town, dude. It's just waist high on him. Looks like it might be like five and a half feet. Yeah, he's a big body. He's way- dude, they have a monument. It's just his bust in the town.

Never forget, dude. I'm telling you, that was the one thing from the OSHA 30 that I was like, whoa, that's crazy. I'm guaranteeing I would survive. Speak on a note. Oh, sorry. Can you hear me, please? Thank you.

According to OSHA- Gardini, turn me the fuck up. According to OSHA, trench collapses are rarely survivable. Did you know that just one cubic yard of soil weighs up to 3,000 pounds? Cubic yard. Yeah, yard's pretty big. I get that.

But I'm in the cubic yard. Three by three by three. Then it's completely around you and the pressure is weighing on you. Only up to my waist. Yeah, what I'm saying is I withstand it. Say goodbye to your legs, bro. I didn't say anything about my legs.

I said I would live. That's how I work out my legs. How do you want to live a half-man? You'll be a geo, dude, you're saying. I barely want to live as a whole man. Oh, man, that's what's up. You should be like the Black Alien Project. You should do the Geodude Project.

Just like, cut me, dude. Just give me. What's the Black Alien Project? You ever heard of the Black Alien Project, bro? What the hell? Dude. Enlighten us. The Black Alien Project, I heard about this on Rogan,

actually. I listened to the Rogan where he talks to more dates, more plates. They just talked about testosterone the whole time. So, dude, it's my favorite shit to listen to. You ever think about dropping your T-levels and going to the doctor so you can get a supplement? Uh, no, I think I'm going to wait till I'm super old

and then just go aggressive with Roy's Black Alien Project. Dude, that guy's doing that to himself in real life. Oh, cool. Body modification. Body mod. He's cutting off his fucking fingers. Yeah, that happened. He's taking the bones out of his hand.

Dude, it's fucked up. A guy. Now. Yeah, he has claws. This guy, he got plates put in his skull and he indented his skull and he looks like an alien now. It might be the most intricate blackface. He went all the way.

He probably wants to run for mayor. He's like, yeah. Was he just like done getting pussy? He was like, I'm done. I got it all. I got it all. Oh, I've seen the action. He's just getting started, dude.

He's just getting started, dude. I just stole garden. He's lying. So that was funny. Yeah, I thought that. That's mine. But yeah, he, uh, yeah. So that's, you ever think about getting any body mods?

Uh, just peanut enlargement. That's it. That's fucking it. It's a peanut enlargement. I was telling you that. What method would you go with? Aren't there a couple of different methods? Uh, I would go with one when you cut that muscle,

that cursed fucking muscle that keeps most of your dick inside your body. And you just kind of slide it. You, you know, take a little bit out, pop the handkerchief out a little. Oh, okay. Like an expanding curtain rod. There's a tendon. There's a tendon that keeps your dick inside your body where,

I mean, isn't that a cruel fucking joke, dude? I don't know, man. I got all these dick up in me, dude. What's all this dick doing up around my motherfucking ass? Dude, I need it out in the world. God, dude, I got a fucking, I got a whole other dick. It's probably, it's probably, it's, you know what? It's probably like the toasted bun.

If you took all that dick out of your ass, something would be off. I'd worry about that. Nobody would know what, but they'd be like, this dick isn't right. It's soggy. Why is it dick soggy? You get that last inch and they're like, Oh, is that like inside the body dick you put it in me?

Uh, it's supposed to go, or you just maybe wouldn't feel anything. It's not bad. It's just different. True. Just like a Freddy, like you have like the last portions, like a Freddy Krueger dick never gets skin. It's just muscle.

Just nightmare on Elm Street, dude. Yeah. But I would go, I would go as big as possible and I would wouldn't care about functionality at all. Okay. I'll just lay down with women and show them my humongous fake penis. Just be like, yeah.

That's all I would do. Yeah. But I wouldn't do it. Obviously I, the only way I would do it is if I actually talked about this this weekend, if I survived my wife. So if I became a widower, that's the first move. All is me.

Not a lot of money. Get like, I would spend as much money as that guy spent turning himself into a black alien to getting like the most grotesquely large penis that doesn't work. It was a dude from South America that did that. He just like kept stretching his dick with his hand until it got, so it's like, it's like down to his ankle. And he, he wants to get.

I want to go bigger. Go ahead. And it's like, he wants to get his world record for like biggest dick, but he can't, he refused it to prove its functionality. Why would you? What do you got to prove at that point? I mean, I don't know. Dude, you'd probably have to piss twice for the, just to get all

the way out of your death. You have to siphon it out. Yeah. You like it, man. How, he's really got a dong down to his legs now. What do you start with? Yeah, but it's, it's all just like. Or his gains.

Yeah. It's like that horrifying skin. He has to like, can I see this man's penis? He has to like, wrap it in socks. I've seen like the picture before. I mean, you guys all got to wrap your dick in socks? Because it's so big. It's crazy.

I mean, obviously, it's just, he like, he cuts holes in socks. Can I see? Yeah. Pass that over here, please. Oh, why? You got coosies on. Worth it. Worth it.

So worth it, dude. This is one of his hang. Was it? This is the one of his bulge in his pants. Oh my God. Is he wearing the same shirt in both? This is probably the same photo shoot. Fuck.

He's not all my shirt money on getting my dick like. Can we timestamp that and put a picture of this man's penis, please? God, I mean, we can't, yeah. Yeah, blow out the tip. Blur that out, but just show the length. Yeah. Good God, I can look at this all day. Dude, I love the Etsy dick sleeve.

Dude, that's absolute pride, dude. Side phrase. Like, no, get my side, get my dick from the side. God, did he stand there like a general, dude? It's a hang. Yeah. I want to wait. Is he wearing socks and shoes, but his pants are off?

Obviously. It's tight. Obviously. He's got penny loafers on. At that point, you can only wear a baseball stare. Those are his dick shoes. Those are Mexican basketball shoes. God, I mean, dude, would it be gay to start a sport called Jesus Christ?

Dude, the smartest sport called dick fighting. We're like, dudes, Mexican guys who stretch their dick down to their knees, getting to sit there and just fucking battle boss each other. That'd be a sick fight. So all he has to do is prove that he can get erect, and he refuses to do it. Yeah, why would he? I don't know. I mean, he wants the record.

If you want the record, you got to play by their rules. No, he's going for having the longest soft dicks, the best record to break. Hard dick is like, okay, dude, obviously your dick's already a boner, who cares. Soft dick is the record, is to get it booked. Some guy gets hard. Some guy gets hard and is bigger. Yeah, it's kind of fucking gay, dude. I stay soft as hell, dude.

Being sexually turned on is gay. I'm sorry. Does the biggest dick in the world make you hard? Control yourself, dude. You're letting someone else control your body? I stay soft all the time, dude. No, I didn't damage my penis, dude. I'm stretching it down to my knees.

I still love pussy, obviously, but he won't get hard. You don't have to get hard at that point. I just saw a picture where he looked kind of hard. I'll try to show you. Pleasure. He's just holding it, though. He's holding it. He's squeezing the base.

That's his tail is all his time. No, it's not the base, though. He's, oh, I guess he's... What? He really, he's wearing the signature in every picture. I think it was one photo. No, my God, dude. It looks like he's got some blood flowing.

That's a fake butt. That's definitely a fake boner. Whoa, dude. He looks like he's in the long dick circle. I genuinely think... He's kind of waiting around. I genuinely think he just has one of those fake porn dicks that squirts like a gallon of milk.

Oh, yeah. I think this dude might have futonari, dude. This dude might be a futonari. I don't know what that is. I love watching. Oh, you don't know about food? You don't know about food, huh? Nah.

What's that? It's a porn genre where women wear penises and pretend they're real. And then it's an anime thing where they just grow them, but they're animated. I don't think they're real. They're just animated cartoons. I don't think that really women in Japan can grow penises. Yeah, that's junk.

Yeah, I mean, that's... That's junk. You know, you're more... You were saying you're into kind of portly or stout women right now. I'm getting there, man. No, he said fat. I'm going back to my roots. He's in the full-on fat.

Yeah. What do you think about that? Dude, I think it's sexy. Well, now that the government's trying to crack down on my fat bitches, yeah, I'm like, yeah, bring them, bring them. Trying to save them. You know that roll that comes like right up above the pant line, right below the shirt.

It's the sexiest thing on earth right now. When did that start occurring to you? Like, I think when the CDC said this, that people are getting COVID. It's just funny to watch. You're like, you fully inhabit your nature. You're like, no, it's hot, fat chicks. Oh, yeah, it's like last week.

Last week is when I noticed that fat chicks were kind of hot. You must be like a... What's the urge around them? It must be like a vampire on a neck, dude. It must be like... I just want to get in there. I just want to like lift up a roll and put my hand in. Dude, if you started inducing fat chicks like a vampire,

that'd be the fucking classic. Man, do you want to be immortal? Man, I made 100 years old. That is genuinely one of the funniest stereotypes that black dudes love fat white ladies. It's so silly. And so true. I haven't made it there yet.

I'm like, right now, the brown fat ones are the ones that have attracted me the most so far. Amen to that. I've been, dude. I got bit by that bug a long time ago. I still stand by that, dude. Making love to this large woman. Yeah, I mean, I did it one time.

Well, the problem is with large white chicks, you can kind of see their circulatory systems a little. It's pale enough. You can kind of get a glimpse of like... Their prominent veins. You kind of get it. You get a little magic school bus action on the outside. But a big black lady.

It's all mystery, dude. You don't see any of that shit. It's the important part. When you see chicks veins, it's kind of like... Yeah. When you see like white chicks, boob veins, I'm always like... Man, the fat black chick that I was banging back in the day, I didn't know if my dick was in ever.

Perfect. Yeah. That's all you need. I mean, it was in something. It was in something. Yeah. I came. Obviously.

You know, but it was just like, I couldn't handle... Like, my ego couldn't handle not knowing whether or not I was fucking her. That sounds pretty fat. Yeah, she was fat. She was a good one. She's the type that I'm attracted to these days. I mean, imagine that, though.

Anywhere. Just anywhere on the bod. Oh, God, that feels good. What's that? It's my torso. Dude. Oh, fuck, dude. Did you imagine going down on the torso,

just like eating out a fucking torso? I would. I would. Sounds amazing. Just randomly throwing your mouth around. No target. Just like fingering that like elbow fat. Just like fingering it.

Yeah, that'd be awesome. Yeah. If I could do it all again. I'd go like 40. I think that's what a haka is. It's like, it represents like going down on fat chicks. Oh, what? Like in New Zealand, when they're doing a haka.

What's a haka? You know, when they're like, you know. At the end, with the tongue out. We're rugby teams dancing to each other. That's what a haka is. You want to know this? You've seen viral... I know what it is.

Now I know what it is. I know that like when like some guy dies, his football team comes and does a haka at his funeral to eat out his wife. To be fair, to be fair, I think there's a biological thing. If you went to like a country that was just like, you know, not doing that well. And they just the point where they don't have beautiful fat women. And you drop them like a four hunch.

The men would be like, I'm getting it. It would be beautiful to you. If you were in a place where like... I'm above you to look like ants carrying a great boy. Like from high from the plane. The hive mind would take over. You must transport this thing back. Yeah, that's undeniable, dude.

Absolutely undeniable. I'm telling you, that that would be a sick reality TV show. But today we found a country where there's no fat ladies. And we're breaking one. Yeah. Just a portly. We dropped the fattest Wendy's manager we could find into a country with a made up name.

Do you ever see a vice documentary of people with different lifestyles in us and like they pull in a giant fish in the whole town just like chops it up and takes a piece of them? They're all fucking the fat lady a little bit. They're all fucking beach. I called back in the neck. That's what I got back in the neck. Different parts.

It would, it would call, it would, dude, it would disrupt the geopolitics of like the neighboring tribes. It, things would fuck, like the, the leader would get assassinated and like the next... It would disturb the entire like... Dude, Don Cheadle will be in a movie about something that has to do with this. A very serious like Oscar movie. She's the most beautiful women I've ever seen.

Yeah. Yo, where are you posting up on this fat bitch to surf up? Where are you posting? I got back in the neck. Where are you going? It'd be like 101 Dalmatians, dude. I get him where I fit. I'd probably just fap to the scene.

I'm like fap to the scene. Oh man. Just a bunch of guys with very yellow eyeballs. Patience. They all got like button down shirts that look like they were dug off of corpses. But their names are all like Steven and shit. Steven Kim, I'm not going to make up a fake African.

I mean, dude, it could happen in like, you know... Oh man. It could happen. Edward? Yeah. My name is Edward. It could happen in like Eastern Europe. Sure.

No, yeah. But yeah, it wouldn't be as joyous as a celebration though. Yeah. You know. They would be like, oh, like if you brought a fucking man. This celebration would be so joyous. Just a bunch of dudes in like very thick cable knit sweaters and they're going like a circle around

or like stomping really hard. It's two different, different fat bitch celebrations around the world. The government would intervene, dude. The government would be like, we're getting her out of here. That was the funniest. I mean, it's actually, it's a horrible human tragedy, but that one book I read about, I think it was Darfur,

like the government, the government, I don't know why people, they think, the government says people made this up, but they would like come down and like Blackhawks and just like shoot villages from the sky. And then like everyone's like, well, fuck this, we'll go to Kenya then. Government's like, we didn't fucking shoot them.

They're just walking, dude. They're just leaving and walking just because they're being dickheads. Like they were coming down and attacking. And I think it was, yeah, it was Sudan. The government was sending like Arabian dudes. Go take those lands because we don't really fuck with those guys because they weren't independent.

So like Arabian dudes would come and just like chop you up on horses. Then the government was sending like fucking helicopters to attack you. And they like, they walked, all these dudes walked to Kenya being like, yeah, government attacked us. The government's like, no, we did it. That's classic government though.

Remember when I was like, migrants were coming? Like the caravan was walking up north. The government mistreating these fucking immigrants and they'd be like, nah, dude, they're just gay. Anyone that leaves our country is fucking gay. Let it be known right now. Dude, turn them back. Don't let them.

We're going to give them a whooping dude when they get back here. Yeah, it was so funny just to be like, we didn't do that to them. They like walked for like two years. It wasn't that bad. That's what it was. It wasn't that bad, dude.

We didn't shoot at them with helicopters. We hovered over them and threatened them that we'd have Arabian guys cut their heads off. As much as I hate governments, I admire how they move and get down. I was like, you see those hearings the other day with Dr. Fauci and they were accusing him of the shit that he did.

And he was like, nah, I didn't do that. You were talking about the very new ones when they hit him with the documents? Yeah, a random man, Paul, was getting them. Dude, this is going to come off of YouTube. Watch out. Yeah, absolutely. He wipes.

It's OK. Dr. Fauci's a god. He is absolutely a god. So when you're I think you're describing like that thing they got from DARPA where they like turned down this fucking document pisses me off. But yeah, apparently they like linked it

to like military funding. The military said like, nah, bro, we're not doing that. That's G.O.F. or something like that's the nature of it. That's so sick to just be like, nah, that thing that you have evidence of me doing. No, I mean, dude, the fucking government can take files and go with black markers. Like no one can read that shit.

If you want to read it, you can read the parts that we did into it. It's crazy. Every time I see him like, yes, dude, I wasn't going to read this anyway. Speed reader. This is missing crucial information. Well, it's funny when they're like,

we need to unseal the JFK doc. They're going to get it and be like, yeah, they have the CIA shot him in the head. And then they'll be like, yeah, well, here it is. No, we didn't. They got him 50 years ago. Anyway, so what are we up to now? And be like, we're telling you the truth right now.

All right. Don't be fucking around. That's why I don't know. That's why I don't know. Don't be fucking around. Yeah, they just unsealed the document about it. It's like, I love the government. I love it.

You like me too, obviously, dude. Any government institution, it's just if they say anything, my brain just goes, of course, yes, yes, of course. This is how we have our best interest in mind. Ever since I had COVID, I was just kind of like, you know, rules the fucking leader of Japan, the leader of China. Sorry, that was not one of my better moments, dude.

It's late. I should be sleeping. Whoa. Japan just took down vaccine mandates, allegedly. That's what's up. Pretty sick. Yeah, that was just late, guys. Where are we at hour-wise?

Yeah, let's just keep this at an hour. That last two minutes, we don't need that. I was trying to say that I just all of a sudden was like, totally alliged to like the president, the communist leader of China ever since I had COVID. I was just like, that jeep ka-ping is a, all right, fuck. You know what, that's his name, isn't it?

Is she a ping or something? Jeep ka-ping. Matt, come on, dude. God damn it, all right. Now you gotta call the episode jeep ka-ping. That guy's on or something. That was a joke I was trying to make, but it's 9.22 and usually I'm sleeping.

All right, let's get in the, let's slide in the fucking page, bro. We got, what a, I got a couple of things. So I gotta talk a little, a couple of little things. What do you guys, do you guys have something to pop in here? Are you, are you guys going to waste? Are you guys doing a- Oh, me and Rainey in the column?

Yeah, we're gonna be at the stand next week on the 20th. And we're all being on the 21st. Just look, just to look up our fucking Twitter bios and buy tickets to our cool ass show that we're gonna do. And then, oh, dude, I'm doing a show with Gardini on Friday. Oh, hell yeah. What? I said too.

Yeah, hell yeah. Hell yeah. This Friday. Yeah, this Friday. 14th, January 14th, check us out. Nice. Yeah. February 4th and 5th.

Me and Matt will be in Indianapolis. Big, yeah. We just added the late show too. So I think there's like 11 tickets left. They might be gone. Damn, might be gone. Also, so we'll be at, also we'll be at Cap City in Austin, Texas on Friday, March 18th, Saturday, March 19th.

And I also just added a late 1030 show to Austin. And we're gonna get it in. Banana, this is big. This is huge, dude. Banana's Comedy Club in North Jersey. April 29th, April 30th, show Friday to show Saturday. That's the big leagues, bro. Wait, am I coming with you for that?

If you'd like. Fuck yeah. I texted you about it. You didn't respond. Actually, no, I didn't. I texted Gardini. I was like, I'll tell Sonny when I see him. Sorry to slay you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, my bad. It's great. Yeah, you know, sometimes you get late. Gardini's supposed to let me know. Like. Yeah, it's late. Sometimes we say things, dude. It's my B-day.

Gardini's B-day. And he's still gonna be working. We're gonna be working on your B-day? Yeah, dude. Never take a day off. Damn, bro. Straight baller. Grinding.

So yeah, so bananas. That's the big one, dude. Up in North Jersey. Banana's Comedy Club. It's gonna be sick. Very big, dude. And I think we'll have the links. We're gonna put the links in the,

links in the show description down below. All right. Sorry. Page you're on. Let's go.