Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 380 - Lobster Man (feat. Francis Ellis)

Episode Date: January 26, 2022

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Wats MF gud!!!! Frank the beast joins the D.A.W.G.Z. and shares the story of his confrontation with a lobster man. Frank's from LL Bean. Shane's a soldier in the Diaz Army. And Matt's bro had to bury a dag. RIP.

Hello, we're here live, dude. Who did that would be sick, though, to go back to like your longest relationship and just backstab them. Yeah, we got to figure out how you could possibly backstab them. Like, I don't know how I could like I'm trying to think out of all my brothers who I could backstab. You could take one of your brothers like wives. True.

That'd be a good backstab. And he would abandon your family as well with double backstab. Yes, you'd be the ultimate. That's a triple cross. That'd be crazy. Yeah, and then get her back and then be like, dump your boyfriend's wife or your friend's wife and then win your wife back and then kill myself and then kill yourself.

So you've ruined everything for everybody. That's such a crazy life. It's sick that dudes do that. So like, dudes actually like destroy everybody around them. Yeah. We're here live with our guest today, Frank. Here I am. Sup, bro.

Oh, Frankie. Good to see you guys. Yes, Frank from the neighborhood. I don't think I don't think anybody gets it. I don't think we get more hyped for a guest than when Frank. Bro, I don't know about that. I swear to God, Shane, for my honest reaction, he walked in. I said, dude, I got Francis.

He goes, oh, yes. Oh, that's so nice to hear. You were fantastic last time. You're so fun to be around. Oh, I have a blast with you guys. You can carry a cast. That's something I pay. I'm like, yeah, Megan, carry a motherfucking cat.

It's nice to have someone on the last one. You were I was really excited to hang out with you guys that time. We're probably not this time. Well, I'm worried I burned all my best stories. I got I got plenty of stories. All right, so here's topic number one, true. And I need to give you the full lead on this. You're going to be pumped.

So as you know, I got a personal trainer. Did you know that Billy mentioned it? All right. So today I had my first sesh. What was it like, bro? If you saw how out of shape. Oh, my God, dude, we were doing workouts. And I was like, I was I stopped to tell the guy.

I was like, dude, this is like the workouts we're doing is like rehabbing like a dude who was in a car wreck teaching me how to walk. They do mobility literally like stepping on a box. You're breaking bad after those shootings. Yes, dude. It's crazy. Yeah. Well, they do all that mobility shit now. So now they're like, let me see you do a squat.

They're like, twist your ankles 30 degrees. It's like, dude, I can't do that. I did one of those first spot Charlie horse. And he was like, wait, were you drinking yesterday? I was like, yeah, and it was 11. So I woke up at 10. I just like walked in and he was like, did you have anything to drink today? I was like, no, I was so dehydrated.

I got in there and did a squat, got a Charlie horse right away. And, you know, it's funny. It's the exact same thing that happened to me at West Point. Really day one for the first morning, we had PT in the morning. And they were like, all right, we're going to start with some squats. And I was like, dude, I squat 400. This is going to be nothing. And I went down and first squat.

I was like, oh. Yeah, did you get a horse on the first squat? I got a Charlie horse. Yeah, well, first one is West Point because we walked around all day. And then in the morning, we didn't drink anything. It was like 530 in the morning. I was standing doing squats. My legs locked up.

Oh, they're like, all right, we're going to go for a jog. I was like, I'm walking, dude. I'm in the back walking. They got to put you on a little cot to fucking carry you. It was crazy. Not a little one. Big one. Hey, we don't do that kind of stuff.

I just told you, I went to a personal trainer today. Not a weight shaming. He's just. This is body positivity, dude. This is the new direction of comedy. Think of the cot you would need. Think of the stretcher. I would literally need, like, instead of stretcher bears,

I'd need pallbearers, dude. I need a guy on each fucking rung. Need some pallbuckers. Imagine the old wars when they'd be like, get them on. They'd be like, eh. To this guy? They'd be like, yeah, this is too many lives to risk, to gather them.

Yeah, the new direction of comedy is body positivity. Like that. Genderqueer. Yeah, I am genderqueer. Even if don't attack someone for being tall, dude, that's crazy. Just thinking of the size of the bed, the gurney you'd need. That was all.

Yeah, no, no, no, it's fine. Look, guys, first off, I'm going to get attacked for even admitting to going to a personal trainer. And that's fine. You need to keep the machine your butt. I'm for that. I like it. I'm excited about it.

We'll see how long I can do it. Do you know why I'm excited that he did that? Because I want Shane to start spending money superfluously. I want you to start spending money in ways where you don't even need the things you're buying. You live in, you do so well, but you live in squalor. Dude, he's got plants. Look at that.

This is Tom's. Still. You live amongst plants. You're still breathing in. There were no lights on. There's no lights. Why? Where are the lights?

I'm not a girl, dude. Well, this is more of the old money look. A lot of old money, you have more of his lamps kicking around. So I'm going to tell you something about class, dude. He's from LLB. You're going to tell him about lamps. He's from the bean. Dude, you could model bean.

Oh my god. No bullshit. I was in one of the magazines. But I was blurry in the background mowing the lawn. Wait, what were you wearing? I was not in focus. Did they make you wear a bean? I don't even think.

I don't think so. It's really a good deal. They were shooting for dog beds. And they were using our labs, our yellow labs. What? And our labs are gorgeous. Out the window, mowing the lawn. But they put me in blur so that they would have to pay me.

You have to pay some labs? We had some good labs. How much did you fetch for modeling out those labs? They would give us the dog beds. That's how they paid us. That's still nice to get your dogs. It's nice to get your dogs to shine. Those are some nice dogs.

Those are big dogs. What were your dog's names? Well, the first was Waggy. And we got Waggy on my third Christmas. I was three years old. And I came downstairs. Oh, so Waggy's long dead. Yeah, but she started it all.

She was the matriarch. Because then she was such a great dog that we bred her. You guys would breed. You ever seen a dog have puppies, man? No. You won't forget it. Why is it disgusting? Well, it's really hard work.

You're having eight or nine children. Yeah. Let it go. And so you feed them eggnog to restore the calories they're burning as they get there. I was going to get some eggnog today at the training. Eggnog's pretty good. He was like, you need some noggin?

Oh my god, guys. You need some nog, bro. Thank god. So this is one thing I was worried about. If this was in a gym, there's the hardest part about being fat and getting back into working out. It's like, I don't want to go make a fool of myself in the gym. People die for that.

People die for that. It's like, I'm not making a fool of myself. I'd rather die than go, yeah, it's like a fear of public speaking where they're like, I'd rather die than give a speech. I'd rather die than go fall doing box jumps at a gym. Just pop a medicine ball. Just fall and shatter my shin doing a box jump.

Was it private? Was it like secluded? But it's private. Yeah, it's just in a nice little place upstairs, me and my guy. You've got to try to kiss someone just once and never bring him back in. I think we're getting close already.

Really? First time. There were sparks. I made him laugh a couple of times. How Jack dizzy? He's not. He's not? I mean, he's definitely strong and in shape.

But no, he's not huge. What do you want in your personal trainer to look like, ideally? I like this guy. He's a hunk. He's just a nice hunk. So you don't want the super Jack guy? I've had the super Jack guy as a strength and conditioning

coach and shit. I'm not for it. Just a huge Jack guy that's like, come on, pussy. Yeah, you've got to start inquiring slightly about gear. Just be like, so I'm trying to take the same next level. Yeah, he was like, what do you want out of it? What are you like ideal weight? What do you want to get to?

And I said, I should have just been like, I'm trying to bulk, dude. I'm trying to gain. I should have been like, dude. Where can I? Where can I score? I'm like, after two weeks of doing step-ups on a box and sit-ups, I'd be like, all right, dude.

Now it's time to take this to the next level. You're doing cat and cow. Dude, we stretched at the end. And I was like, Jesus Christ. I don't understand. What is the potential pushback against trying to maintain the bod, trying to maintain the show? Nothing at all, other than my friends and people

laughing at me for trying. Yeah, I hear you. But some people get, some people get picked. All my Instagram, I shared a story. Some guy just sent me a picture of himself flexing his back and ripped. People were like, what the fuck, take this shirt off. I'm like, dude, it's excellence.

Well, this guy's fucking shrimp. If you're taking a picture yourself with your shirt off and posting it online, that is good. But it was a classic back pose, dude. It was fucking, I mean, that's very funny if he does it jokingly. He said it was for, it was for Shat Nation. All right, well, yes, that's very funny.

People got pissed. I was like, dude, this is excellence. I like that. I really like, I admire men's bodies now more than I do women, I would say. I've shifted. And I think that's fine. Yeah, girls' bodies are gross, dude.

Well, you think about them? It's just, you kind of, you get about your taste improves. For sure. You know? You just get gay. Yeah, that's your theory, dude. It's all like I'm gonna act on it. Men become women with time and women become men.

I think that it takes a lot more work to have a super ripped back than to be in a bikini with nice boobs. True. Here's my problem with dudes that are jacked, that do nothing else. That's it. Yeah.

That's it, that's it. It's like sick, dude, do something. Stop going to the fuckin' gym. You gotta do something. Then you find the occasional guy who, you know, is super jacked and he's doing other stuff. I like what you do, is that what you're trying to get? No, I'm not there.

You're very fit, lean. You like going to the gym. I'm lean, I like to exercise, but it's all to keep my sanity. If I go like two or three days without exercising, I'm starting to envision killing people. I got home from the gym today and I was so happy. Yeah, you feel great.

I was like, nice. Started listening to hip hop, played FIFA. It was great, your beer tastes better. Really? Yeah, cause then you don't feel any guilt about it. I have no, almost none. Sure, but like that first beer after a workout, you think there's room for this.

My body has made space for this. My body's thirsting for this. What do you think the over-under on times I go train is? I think you'll stick with it. You think I'll stick with it? Yeah, I think you'll stick with it. Yeah, I think you'll stick with it, dude. I mean, it's good, you need to maintain the body.

I got, I had to, it's, look, before I was like, look, if you work out, you're gay. I still maintain that, but I needed to get gay in order to survive. Exactly. If I would have kept at this rate, I would have probably passed away soon. Yeah, it would have been fifties for sure.

Fifties I will pass away. You think fifties? Fifties, sixties, yeah. Well, though, Louie Anderson just made it to like 68. Yeah, dude, I got that. Yeah, you'll creep into like late, at least I guarantee you late sixties, late sixties. Yeah.

Just think about how much gayer you'll get as you get older. You'll get even gayer as you get older and you'll be in, you'll start entertaining. Everybody does this. Yeah. So my dad used to eat four soft pretzels every single day. And if you were to be like, yo, how about you mix in some vegetables,

you'd be like, the fuck, what are you trying to do? When he like went plant-based, when he was like 60. Yeah. For just for like a couple of months. But that would have like, he would have genuinely been pissed off if someone was like, yo, don't eat meat, and you'd be like, 10 years ago,

and he'd be like, what the fuck? Yeah. So you'll get, you'll get, we're all just getting gayer and gayer. Yeah, but if I get, it's gay or bitter, pick a choice. There's one thing, yeah, it is gay or bitter. It's gay or bitter.

I'm pretty bitter, but I've improved on that front. Now I am becoming gay. I've switched gears from bitter to gay. And that could, you know, it could be beneficial. This is a really interesting, there's really just a fork in the road. I didn't know there was two options. It's gay or bitter, dude.

Gay or bitter? That's it, you either get bitter and you're just like, yeah, I eat fucking chicken fingers every day. Yeah, yeah. And you just fucking die. Yeah. But everyone's like, yo, that guy was the man.

That guy was the fucking man. That is the drawback though. If you do die a fat king, you do celebrate. They like it more. Like, yeah, that guy fucking rules. Guys, arteries are hard as fucking rocks. Meatloaf? Yeah.

Dude, meatloaf, R.I.P. Although he was geased up a little. Yeah, he made it pretty far. He made it pretty far. And he wasn't that fat. He wasn't like a true fat. Yeah, how fat was, I don't know, like anything for love, he was pretty beefy.

He was beefy when he was, yeah, he was beefy, but he wasn't like, he wasn't like, if you looked at him, you weren't like, he's gonna die from that. Yeah, true, yeah. Yeah, he definitely had some years in him, I guess. It was nice to see the fat kings died. Louis and Meatloaf died on the same day.

And everybody mocked them. Yeah, what the fuck? The fuck? No respect, dude. No respect. Hey, let me ask you this. What's your goal for personal training? No real set goal right now.

What would happen if you started getting ripped? Would you stop? I would have to stop. Although at that point, I'm sure it would be too powerful. If you balked, if you balked and just quietly balked. I gotta be honest with you, based on today's performance, we're a decade away. We're a decade of consistent work.

You got a lot to work with, you know? Yeah, I mean, I got it. You can convert into muscle. Did the trainer ask you if you have big balls? Do you think that's funny to make fun of me? Do you think you're getting a big laugh out of this? Why are you so insecure about your big balls, dude? Why do you think I'm insecure about my big balls, dude?

I'm not. You laugh it up, dude. You have a good laugh, Sean. You got big balls? Mine are getting bad. What do you mean? They're just starting to go lower and lower. You saggies.

Like, I'm embarrassed. It's cause you're confident. Whoa. Yeah, dude, I still have boyish tucked in sack. What a big dude. What a big dude, it's crazy. No, if it's warm, though, like, the sheath draws them loose. Dude, the sheath makes them just a pillow.

Dude, a bean bag. Yeah, dude, if it's warm out, the dog drops his tongue. Oh, that's it. That's a cartoon dog. Coaxes. Coaxes them out, yeah. The dog drops them. It's like humming to a snail on the beach.

You guys know that trick? No, you hummed the snails? You got a snail on the beach. You hum to it, one tone, it will emerge from its shell. Very slowly. Same with, like, a... Snake in a flute. I was thinking hermit crabs.

Like, any sort of crustacean, I think. They like humps. They will come out of their shell to humming. What kind of frequency do you gotta hit? I go low. I go, like, a hmm. You gotta be able to maintain it. And you gotta go for a while.

That's how you hold a snail right here. Go ahead. Hmm. Against the shell? Yeah, close. Hold it right up. You like that snail? Because once you pull them off the rock,

they dive back in. Sure, yeah. And you gotta hum to them and let them know, it's okay. Come on up. Damn, the drone. Try that sometime. It's really fun. I will, next time I see a hermit,

oh, I had dreams last night, I was digging up sand crabs. Whoa. Dude, I don't even want to talk about that, man. I've been having the craziest, not that, that was nothing, the sand crabs being as pleasant. I've been having the craziest fucking dreams all week. Yeah. The most fucked up.

Why? Three, er, no, it was two sleep paralysis episodes. No. Full on hallucinations. I go into them. I fully, I'm like, let's go. You embrace it? Yes, I go full into it.

Why? What happens? What's on the other end of the tunnel? So here's what happens. So you get the like, you go into the tunnel. First night, it just led me into a dream and you kind of forget your dreaming. Then I realized I was dreaming.

I started chasing women around my dream being like, ah, instantly I kicked out. It just woke me up. I was like, fuck. Second night, I was trying to go into it. What happens a lot of the times is you start hallucinating your immediate surroundings. So I'm going like, it's just nothing but demon faces.

And I'm like, like, hang in there. And I like, finally, I thought I was getting out of it. I was like, Brit. And then it's like, I hallucinated my wife turning around going, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell. And I was like, oh, fuck, I'm still in it. And I try to hang on as long as I can.

But that, that spit me right out. I got fucking, but it dude, it's pretty sick. So are you always trying to stay in longer? I try to go in as long as I can. You're trying to harness the beast. I get too scared. You got to go in. It's so cool.

It's pretty fun. When I'm in it, it is always demons and sort of really bad stuff. You know what's crazy? Because it doesn't, I always, I'm skeptical when I hear everybody else's sleep paralysis cause it happened to me once. So every time someone's like,

I get it all the time, I'm like, yeah, right. But then I looked it up and it only happens to like 10%. Exactly. But it happens a lot to podcast guests. I think a hundred percent of podcast guests have it. Well, I'm not lying. I don't think you are lying. Maybe it's cause we were like creative guys.

Very possible. Come on, take that back. Maybe cause we're, we're more of a left brain type. More visionaries. I would say we're more visionaries. It makes me- Very visionary type. For sure.

It's okay with that. You guys, you should see me step up onto a box and hop into that size. But know how you get it to happen to you more? I've been getting woken up, almost like clockwork at four in the morning. So I have a daughter and she wakes up. Oh yeah, you're coming in and out of the sleep.

So my sleep gets interrupted for like 30 minutes and then I lay back down and it's- And it's stress related. Dude, you're under heavy stress. All last week, Stomach Bug ran through the house. Yes. I was just tending to two sick women, dude. Just barfing, two barfing women, dude.

Got to hold hair. That's the worst. Two barfing women. One time, one time I was skiing. I want to tell you this, you're going to like this. Well, mountain. Sugar love. And we used to go up there.

That's one of those today. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. We were, was that a Coke covered shit? No, no, no. That's just poop. It's a funny thing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Talk about yin and yang.

So we, we were up at Sugarloaf. We used to go there for, we used to go there for- See, it's funny. Thanks. Thanks, Gardini. We used to go there for New Year's Eve. That was the spot in Maine. You'd go to Sugarloaf Mountain in New Year's Eve

when you're in high school. And I was hanging out. You kiss your sweetheart on Sugarloaf? No. You didn't ever kiss your sweetheart? I didn't have any like girlfriends or anything. What? Yeah.

I know, I know you're trying to get to that story, that's what a bit of it. Well, I was a late bloomer. You didn't get any pussy when you were young, man? Not much, no. That's why you're a psychopath now. No, because I did catch up. That happens a lot.

Guys that didn't get any sniz, and then they get, I agree to work out every day. I agree with that. Abs and fucking slam pussies. No, no, I agree with that, but I did catch, I got it early enough that I didn't tip. Okay, okay. You were right on the edge.

You're being like, why don't they fuck, yeah. In time. Doing a little iPhone video. Why don't they fucking respect me? Yeah. The skiing in Maine's pretty easy, right? Compared to like. I mean, it's not steep or huge the way the West is,

but it's icy as hell. What about compared to the Poconos? Yeah, so I'm thinking, that's my. I think it's bigger. The Sugarloaf is the biggest mountain in the Northeast. But there's something to be said about swimming on artificial, or skiing on artificial snow. That's what they have on there too.

They have all artificial Maine. Not all, but like a lot of it. That's icy. Classic. That is, artificial snow gets icy as hell. I noticed that. It's not powder. There's just so much wind and there's so much wind shell.

I mean. That sounds great. It's like 20 below with the wind shell. All right, so you're up on Sugarloaf. You didn't kiss a sweetheart on these. No, we're going around. I'm hanging, I'm a sophomore. I'm a new kid at this school.

So you're horny as hell. Yeah, and I'm hanging with all the seniors. So I was in with the cool kids. But we were on a bus, one of those, you know, shuttles taking you around the village or the mountain road. We told everyone for drinking. This girl that I was hanging out with,

another sophomore, she had gotten a Gatorade bottle full of vodka, but she was new to drinking and she drank too much of it and she puked on the shuttle. And all the seniors told me I had to get off the shuttle with her, because the shuttle bus driver said, who puked, get off, get off. And so she got kind of kicked off and they were like, go with her, it's cold out there.

But I didn't know, I didn't really know her. And then we were out in a snow bank and she was like kind of about to throw up and she was like, hold my hair. And I was like, what? Is that my duty? You know, I wasn't with this girl. I didn't, am I supposed to?

Yes, hold her hair. Yeah, man. I don't like throw up, watching people throw up makes me want to throw up. So you said no. Well, I held it, but it was hard. I had to look away. You didn't do her bangs, you just grabbed her ponytail.

Yeah, I had a very loose, just a fistful. I didn't wrap it like I was punishing her or anything. Just a little rat tail. Yeah, a little Jedi braid. Where'd they drop you off? Like just outside? Yeah, the guy was so mad that she'd thrown up on the shuttle. They dropped you off on like the side of the road.

Side of the road, yeah. And then we had to walk, I had to give her a piggyback down the fucking mountain to her friends. What? She was bad, dude. And you didn't like her? No, I mean, I would have maybe if she hadn't thrown up. Oh, then you would have.

Just begrudgingly giving someone a piggyback is so funny. Your friends are over there, get off. She never reached back out of like, yo, that's very nice of you to shepherd me through my drunk experience. It was one of those things where I brought her into the hotel room that her nine friends had rented and were splitting. And they looked at me like I was the bad guy. Because here she was totally fucked up beyond belief.

But I had had nothing to do with that. I hadn't given her the Gatorade bottle. I hadn't told her what to drink. All I had done was held her hair and carried her home. But it's like, you deliver a friend in that state, you're always going to be the bad guy. I don't know, man. Also too, you guys were just like, what, 16?

Yeah, 15, 16. I was walking into a den of just total nonsense. So I was just 16 and your girl was like, oh my god. Yeah. And that doesn't really change. Yeah, you could have smashed. True. You could have, not her, I'm saying one of the friends.

That's that after your chivalrous. Yeah, it was just a loss of a night. Being a good guy never really works out. That's that early intel in you talking. They never settle for nice guys like me. Well, then I'll become the jacked handsome guy. Just ruthless. I don't think incels are typically jacked and handsome, right?

No, no, no. Then they become jacked and handsome. And they groom, do they retain their anger? Is it okay? For sure. And then they plow through women. Oh. And they do it calculated, it's gross.

I didn't know that. There's a whole world of these characters. And I remember, I forget what the fuck it was. It was like a early episode we were talking about. There's just this guy in Vegas. I'll never forget it. It was on a reality show. And he was like, all he did was go on dates with girls

on like Tinder. Oh yeah. And he was the biggest douche of all time. But he talked about it. He was like, yeah, when I was young girls never really were interested in me. And that's obviously the stem of who he became as a person. Was I'm just gonna live in Vegas and get pussy.

Yeah. It's all, it's just a revenge for. Just like a real revenge, like now I'm not in the friend zone. Yeah. Getting pussy kind of stinks to be honest. Yeah. I would say. I couldn't agree more.

It just stinks. It's like, what the fuck? You go on a tear of a few in a row. And they're just like, what the fuck? We get old enough. And it's like, yeah, you're like, I kind of know this. You know, you know what it feels like after a while. And he's just like, all right, it takes so much time.

It's like, catch a nice fat. Just save it up for two weeks. You know what I love? Just training. Working my tail off. That's what I'm saying. You need to get back to the iron paradise. Bro, I got to get back into my iron paradise.

Thankfully, I get back into my paradise on Wednesday. Do you really? You know what I've been calling the gym lately? The serpentarium. Serpentarium? That's where I grow the pythons. Those things look good. They've been eating rabbits.

They're going to feed later today. Oh, yeah. You're going to feed them. You're sucked up. I don't feed them. The ASPCA comes down on me. What are you going to feed them? You know, a couple of curls.

You're going to curl plates? Oh, yeah. I thought you were going to come hang out with us at the comedy cell. I feel uncomfortable there. Why? Why? Because the last time I came, you leaned into the booker

and you were like, this fucking guy wants to be here. Well, that was a mistake. And I hadn't had one too many drinks. And then everyone looked at me like, man, fuck this guy. Yeah, right. I was walking over to say hi. And I was sitting with the owner. I was sitting with the booker, the seller.

And I was like, this guy wants to work here so fucking bad. They just buried me. We all just made fun of him. And then I'm like, there's nowhere to go. So I was making a beeline to say hi to Shane. And I just immediately abruptly turned left to the bar and was like, could I have a corona place? But then we sat together.

And I was full of piss and vinegar. Yeah, you were in good form that night. I was like, dude, fuck all these people. I don't give a fuck about this. But then the next morning, he was like, you were crazy. I was like, dude, I regret everything. Every single thing I said. Well, I tried to give him a little bit of life balancing

advice, which I felt afterwards like I had overstepped. Now, you did the right thing. You were saying the exact right thing. Well, I'm glad to hear that. He was like, you got to have a life outside of this. You got to have friends outside of this, a real actual life. It was very much like when Rachel tells Bruce Wayne in, I think, The Dark Knight, don't let

me be your only hope for a normal life. Shit. But I would be willing. Very Bruce, dude. I was basically training like Bruce to that. Dude, my trainer's name is now Wilfred or whatever. What's his guy's name? Alfred.

Alfred. I'm going to start calling him Alfred. You should start bringing like some sort of hand weapon next time you go to shit. I mean, this is my goal. Teach me how to use this. While you're doing lunges. A staff.

Just with some num chucks as fuck. You'd respect that, dude. If you started using num chucks. I knew I was using it if I was training to do a staff. Yeah, dude, a bow staff would be nasty. Man, you know what's hard? Just squats with zero weight. Well, it's also hard.

Squats are hard with some guys being like zero weight. But some dudes are like, why are your ankles turning out like that? It's like, that's just with my body. No, he was very nice. OK. He knew this is a fragile endeavor. I can quit at any moment.

I'm very good at being like, fuck that. It'll be good. It'll be good. One thing I'm excited. It should tone down the drinking slightly. Yeah. Because you can't be hungover. I can't be hungover for my stepping up on boxes.

No. Especially if you have to face the guy constantly and have some dude being like, pooh, boy. Yeah, and you know what the saddest part is? Is thinking, because I haven't worked out like hard, other than Peloton, which you've seen. You're a fucking monster. We'll get into the Peloton.

He's a monster on the Peloton. I know, we talk about it. We'll get into the Peloton. But it's not even like, you know how in your head, you're like, oh, I can probably do that. Like I've said about when dudes watch war movies or like, and they're like, dude, I could have been special forces. Yeah.

It's like, I know I couldn't because I did one day of boot camp. And I found out quickly. I have no business near this. Same thing, I've been sitting here playing video games. Like, I'm probably still pretty strong. And I could have kept that lie going, dude. It was like Schrodinger's jacked. I still think.

And then the second I walked into that thing, I was like, I'm not even close to what I thought maybe I was at. They're just gaming, being like, take a break. I'm probably strong as fuck. Yeah, I'm probably still so fucking strong. But you, but you probably could still squat more than. No, I couldn't. My squats, my knees are fucked up.

Yeah, but if I were to burden you with a load, you'd be able to like, you would fuck up your kind of knees and shit, but you'd be able to go. Yeah, I can probably still. But you saw, we benched like five years ago, and that shit's gone too. What was the thing you were best at doing? Today?

Or like, let's just say historically, were you better at benching or bench? So you could, how many times could you put up 225 pounds right now? Right now, zero. You don't think you could do it one time? I bet I could not. I think you probably could.

Double 45s? Yeah, I bet you I could not. That's the, the combined way. Now, after a couple, couple sessions of stepping up and down on boxes. True. I might be back. Couple stretches.

I couldn't be back. No, today, today was nice. Throw a medicine ball around. That was pretty tight. That made me feel like an athlete. Do my votes to become an absolute unit? It's over time, slowly but surely. I'll see what I can do.

It's, guys, this is week, this is day one. True. There's such a, what a change of tone. What do you mean? Cause I was saying, I want to get jacked, and you were like, you fucking, and so. First off, if I got jacked, it'd be funny. I'm funny.

You're not funny. The reason you're funny is because of how not funny you are. That's a fine of me. I don't care. Shut up. I don't care how it comes out. Shut up. This is all you gotta do is just agree with him,

and then he reneged on his point. He feels bad now. Yeah, and then he feels bad. There is a soul in there somewhere. You just have to, it's under all that cholesterol. So you have to. See, that's funny. Dig deep.

So you're all, you're all on creatine right now. You're just started. I'm one weekend. How do you feel about that? Well, I'm a little nervous. You know, I'm a little nervous for like what it's gonna do to my kidneys. That's the thing.

You think? Yeah, they all tell you to do this super loading phase in the first week, but I'm not doing that because that scared the shit out of me. Dude. So I'm just doing five grams of that. You don't need to do creatine. Yeah, creatine is fine.

I've never done it. I'm curious. It's not like, I'm fine with how I look. I'm not worried about that. I'm just, I'm having fun. It's something new. True, something to do. You know?

Something different every morning to wake up and just be like a little bit. Yeah. Also, when you take it, it forces you to lift weights more because you're like, yeah, I'm worried if I don't lift weights, I'm just gonna look like, you know, a water balloon boy. That'd be nice.

That's a good look. See, I'd like that. You're gonna bloat yourself as much as you really bought. Figure out like the maximum water content your body can handle and hit that. If you were fully bloated. I could help you with the bloat. Oh yeah?

Full bloat? Full bloat? Did you get you some bud lights? Tonight, we'll get you about 15 bud lights. Someone pokes me in the stomach and my ankle just stops. That's the look. A hard bloat, get your face ready as possible.

Yes. Yes. You start tying yourself off at pressure points. Just get like all your circulation ready. Yeah, get like a purple hand. Take my shoes off, my toes are black. Just wear those sneakers a little too tight. On stage, wear sleeves and have like 15 rubber bands

right here and just throw out your set. Just be like, oh my God, take it out. Did you get a hermit crab claw? Just make it purple. Keep it in. Come numb to it. Dude, keep it in here. And then towards the end of the set,

just be like, well thank you guys. Gonna have a black, just a purple hand, dude. Be like, oh my God, I need to consult the doctor. Just have a rotting hand. Yo, speaking of consulting on my flight on the way to LA this weekend, they had to, they hit the fucking, is anybody here a doctor?

Over the loudspeaker and a lady had to rush back and help a woman who had a seizure. Whoa. Pretty rowdy stuff. Wow, it'd be cool if Joe Rogan was like, man. Joe Rogan, I talked to several. What is the thing that they will land the plane for for one person versus not?

They didn't land this one, but we were like an hour and a half out. So it was probably the closest anyway. Is it, is a heart attack they landed no matter what? He would think. Yeah, probably. I saw an old lady. A dead guy though would be tough.

If a guy died like early, do you think they'd be like, you know what, let's just ride this thing out? Yeah, if they're already dead. It's not gonna smell for a while. Yeah, ride it out. Put them on ice. Yeah, throw them in the drink cart.

Yeah, put them on ice, dude. I saw an old lady had a panic attack on a flight and like they did a similar thing. It could have been that, I don't even know. Yeah. I assumed it, I assumed a seizure or something stroke, something wild. Cause there was a loud commotion.

Really? Yeah, when whatever it was happened, I didn't see it, it was behind me. I was in my bed laying there and just like, what are these peasants up to? You should have gotten up and be like, can you at least just keep your mask on this entire time? I know you're going through it,

but we need to be reasonable. And it's about the collective right now. If you could stay master in this, I'd really appreciate it. You know what I realized? I'm going back to sleep. The elites, if you're an elite, they don't make you wear a mask.

I was up in my bed, up front, on the plane, mask off, dude. Was this jet blue? This was Delta. Oh, okay. I was flying Delta one. Now a lot of guys don't fly Delta one. I fly Delta one.

Delta force one. Yes. Some people question if it's even a real thing. Yeah, but it is. So secretive. With the masking? No, Delta force one. The mask.

Oh, yeah. Guys. What are your takes on COVID? Yeah, Frank. You know, God almighty. I'll say this, the sort of inevitability with which every single conversation you have with someone returns to COVID is really boring.

Very political response. What do you think about masking kids? Oh, yeah. He could, I told him the other day, he should run for something. That was a masterful answer. Too many skeletons. Too many skeletons.

Really? Yeah, yeah. Do you tell a full story about that fateful night on that snowy mountain? Well, it's more like, you know, when our, remember when the crazy rainstorm happened and everyone's basements flooded? No.

Yeah, that happened here, right? And it got all, everything flooded. Yeah. Our basement flooded and I stupidly forgot to change all the kids I had down there. The cellar flooded while people were in there. Which would happen in the flood? How's that tied to your skeletons?

Give me one skill. Well, there were just a bunch of people down there who, you know, for some reason were chained. Oh, Frank, you didn't change. Frank pulling Archie. They drowned and, you know. You could kill someone though. Of all the people I know that would, you.

I used to say, you know, people would give me shit for being a psycho. For eating too much. Really? And they would be like, there's starving children in your basement. That's what they would say. I said that was pretty funny.

So they would attack you? I always get this. I always get this psychopath thing. People think I'm a psychopath. I don't think you're a psychopath. Because of American psycho. Yeah. Why?

That's why. Why? That's a good movie, yeah. Why would you think people think you're a psychopath? I guarantee this guy wakes up and like stretches naked in the morning. No. True, what is like?

Looks in the mirror like today is your day, Francis. This coming from the guy who's literally stretching today. I had a nice stretch. And let me tell you, it was hard. All right, you guys can sit here and laugh. Yeah, what would your darkest like personal thought be that you could air? I have a, oh.

Hmm. You know, I have one person that I really don't like. Nice. Who? There's a guy who wrote an article about me. Oh, nice. That went so beyond where it needed to go. You know, it was so beyond the story

and was simply meant to make life harder for me for as long as possible. Yeah, I heard that. Yeah. And I have dreams often of finding a, I don't want to say like a hacker, but somebody who knows what they're doing with computers and just planting troves of child pornography

on his hard drive and then the FBI gets an anonymous tip and then they raid his place and find it on his computer and he's toast. That's my fantasy. That's the best revenge, by the way. Isn't that a good one? And then you know what you should do? You should commit a crime to get into that jail

and tell everyone be like, that guy's here for fucking a child porn. Jail is not good for people like him. Let's murder and have sex with him. Yes. Yeah. That'd be the ultimate revenge. You throw your own life away to get to rape him.

Or just visit one. You can just visit a guy, look a guy up in that jail, visit him and be like, yo, I got that. Well, that would probably be a little easier. Yeah, you know what I'm thinking. You get in there with him. True. So your penis is the one.

Hop turnstiles and that like, yeah, but the jail's weird because they might just like ship you to some weird place. True. Also, my boy's getting out this week, dude. My boy's getting out, dude. Who? Weezy.

Yes. Free Weezy, dude. You got a friend in prison? Part of your time, actually. He's in the county. Wow. I have two buddies right now. Two buddies who are locked under the lock.

I don't know anybody in prison. Dude, he's getting out this week. It's gonna be big. I just got word that he had a problem with Haselli. Really? What was Haselli up to? Haselli was fucking around doing some nonsense and he said, look, pal, if you get me caught,

I'm gonna fuck you up and he moved him. More to dingus. Yeah. So guys, here's what I gotta tell you. Yeah, what's it all about? Went out to UFC, went with St. Rogues, guys, has blessed me. Took me out to UFC. I got to sit there and watch the guys wrestle

and fight for my entertainment. Nice. I sat there and I watched the men and women fight to the death. Did you eat anything the whole time? I had chicken fingies. Yeah, fingies. I had some tendies.

Me and DC had some tendies. A lot of people don't know that DC munches tendies during the broadcast. Is that Daniel Cormier? Yeah. Fuck me. DC was like right here. They were keeping up with us.

Listen, some tendies to the side, dude, in between. Did you ever see his Popeyes video? No. He loves chicken. He does love that chicken. There's a video of him dancing shirtless and with Popeyes. He loves Popeyes.

Really? Yeah. There's a big thing people teased him on for a while. It was cool. The whole thing was cool. But this is the big story. The night before, me and Rogan did a show in Irvine. And one of Nate Diaz's bros, Nick, not Nick Diaz,

but his name's Nick, what up, Nick, is a fan. And he was like, I invited them to the show and they were like, we're not gonna make it, but come hang out with us. I was like, obviously yes. But then I had to work, seeing if Rogan's wanted to go out. Cause this is a once in a lifetime, Nate Diaz experience.

So I had to wait till Rogan's got done. And I was like, dude, I gotta do this. And he was like, absolutely go. So I get down there. I got down to the bars where they were on Huntington Beach at about 1.30. Oh God. The bars closed in like a half hour.

I got there at 1.30. Bars were closed and I walk in. Nicest guys in the world. Most like warm group of dudes, like Nate Diaz and his bros. As soon as I walked in, they were all very nice. They're like, yeah, fucking shotgun and fucking beer with us.

And Nate Diaz, dude, that was the one guy I've always wanted to hang out with. I've literally, from day one, I've been like, this is the coolest fucking guy of all time. And he was exactly who you would imagine him to be. That's always sweet when people live up to the, oh my God. How you think they are.

He was just fucking hilarious. The whole time he was funny. If anybody asked for a picture or anything, you said, like, hell yeah, let's take the picture immediately. The second there was one person that seemed like they were being confrontational, he attacked them. With zero hesitation.

Zero, dude, we were standing on the corner after just a jacked dude walked up with a tank top. And he did have a scowl on his face, which is all it took. And he was like, yo, you think you're tough? The guy was standing there like, oh shit, Nate. Do you think he knew who Nate Diaz was? Oh, I'm sure. So do you think, do people come up?

If you're wearing a beater publicly, you know who Nate is. Fair point. He knew who he was. Do you think that people come at Nate Diaz on the street simply to test themselves? I can't imagine anyone being that dumb. That's like, cause dude, he didn't. Someone did a John Claude Van Damme?

Actually, I think they beat the shit out of John Claude Van Damme. Really? Someone beat the shit out of John Claude Van Damme? It's one of them. Either him or Steven Seagal. But they were like in their fifties. Someone beat the fuck out of them. So Nate Diaz is what?

He's a, like, he's a welterweight? He's, he fluctuates. Lightweight? Yeah. So it's like, what, 170? Got robbed against McGregor the second time. So, but okay, let me ask you this. At what point, even though you know who he is,

but you're just like way bigger, does it matter? Or does he, could he beat up a six foot five, 270 pounds? He would clear this room. Yeah. He would clear this room of us. I would, all four? Yes. You think of the four of us?

Yes. Jumped on him. Well, the problem is he would hit one of us so fucking hard that it all be like. Dude, Rogues would clear this room. Listen, I'm not. Did you ever do jiu-jitsu or any of that stuff? No.

I did jiu-jitsu for six months and there's dudes I'd be like, I didn't know anything and I was like, I'd go to dudes like I can definitely beat this guy up and it's the most disorienting thing. Cause there's dudes that are just like, so small, so skinny and they just fuck you up and you're like, fuck. Dude, I got my ass beat by box steps today.

If Nadia is through a punch, I'm laying down. I'm not saying, I'm not saying us. I'm just saying is if there's a, you know, some monster who does fight, but obviously isn't in the UFC or is trained or something. I think even the dudes in UFC don't fuck with him. Really? Number one, because he's willing to fight on the spot.

He's willing to get a charge. But aren't a lot of those guys, you watch like the ultimate fighter, they fight in the house all the time. Yeah, but those guys aren't the real guys. Like three of them, now they are, but the old ones were like, I'm a fucking bartender from Boston.

I'm trying to get into the UFC. Yeah. I feel like if for a professional fighter, you'd probably need like, if you had maybe five, five or six very dedicated dudes to like, straight bum rush fearlessly at once. Yeah, you could probably like, you know, so you just need one guy to kick him in the head.

Well, even if he's beating up two people, one person just kicks them right like the neck. So five civilians versus Nate Diaz. I think if they were motivated in a cohesive group, I think, yeah, I think they could do something pretty bad to them. Interesting. One sacrifice, one or two of your mates.

One or two of your mates is getting fucked up, dude. Yeah. Fucked up. I don't think we could. I'm not saying he wouldn't be doing like jiu-jitsu to us. Cause then, yes, you could kick him in the head. Yeah. But it would just be him standing and throwing punches.

Yeah, but if you did the 360 circle, unless he last samurais and just did full too many minds and was like, Nate Diaz doesn't roll alone, dude. He's always got a squad. He's got squad. And he'll stop them boys. Also, let me attest to this.

The squadron does not stop grappling the entire night. Yeah. They are nonstop different dudes would start grappling. And I would stand there like, please don't get me, dude. Please none of you get me. Did no one, no one tried to. No one got me. Thank Christ.

You ever have someone put their hands around your neck and they know what they're doing? That's hell. That is hell. And then it would get serious. They would start grappling and start like rolling. Now that I hang out, now I'm a UFC guy. Once they would start rolling.

And then the dudes would be like, all right, let them go. And they would roll and wrestle as hard as they could until finally they'd have to pull them up. Was this inside the bar? This was outside for an hour, at least one hour after the bar. And then it came time to get an Uber back to Nate's Airbnb. Chaos.

No one called an Uber. Everyone sat there for an hour going, where's the fucking Uber? And then two different guys would start wrestling. It was fucking, dude, it was heaven. It was heaven, bro. That does roll. It was everything I wanted.

And then we got back to the house. The house was everything you thought it would be. It was everything. It was an Airbnb on the beach, but it wasn't like nights. It was like beer cans everywhere. And it was just 10 dudes. They were like two girls, 10 dudes, just guys vibing.

This guy having their bongs. It was guy having. To their bongs and nunchucks. Dude, yes. Laptop plugged into the TV blasting rap on YouTube. It was heaven. God, man. And that's the funny thing is,

he wasn't like a dickhead. Cause they didn't know who the fuck I was. And the guy I was with was thankfully, he was hyping me up a little. That helped. They didn't do right when I met him. Hog, what's up dude? Let's drink.

I mean. Yeah. You don't think he's got any idea who you were? No. An idea has no idea who I am. Yeah, but you're co-signed by Rogan, I don't know. That helped when they found out why I was there. Yeah.

Yeah, it's also. But man. It's sick to see people hold it down like that. Pumps me up. You see a squad hold it down like that. And every dude was cool. And they were all like, we're just here for having fun. When everyone was wrestling like that,

there's no room for cattiness either. Everyone was wrestling. Everything settled immediately. Like boom, immediately, dude. They'd start wrestling and they would be like, yeah, get that motherfucker. Boom, boom. And he'd start lightly punching whoever was on the ground.

Any sound effects? Yeah, every time. So how does it end? How does the wrestle end? Does someone tap? The last wrestle I remember was a guy that was refusing to tap. Who was getting choked out.

And they were like, all right, that's enough. So someone does eventually stop it. They all were like, all right. And eventually it was like, yeah, that's enough. And they know the breaking point? I mean, the guy, they're all, I would assume they would all refuse to tap. That's how the squad works.

You cannot tap, dude. Wow. I mean, dude, coming back. Which is, if one of them came near me, I'd be like, dude, stop, stop, stop, please, please, please. Pull out my wallet. Please, dude. Going back to the five on one, I'm telling you,

I think it is possible. I'm not underestimating a professional fighter. I'm saying us four on the street, Nate Diaz is walking towards us. Yeah, that's the thing. That's the problem. It's the real life. It's the real, because it is like, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Dude, dude, dude. Yeah. One of us gets just out cold and other things. Stop, stop, stop, stop. What was the guy who was- But we premeditated an attack. That's a different thing. Premeditated, I hear you.

We got, oh, this was so funny. When we got done, me, Norman and Ari got done with. Rogan, we went out that night, we were eating. And I forget who asked him, like, who would win a fight, all three of us versus you. Without even hesitating, he was like, me. He would fucking- All three?

Me, Ari, and Norman versus Rogues. Rogan would fucking slaughter us. All three of you guys, though. Yes. What have you poked his eyeballs? Have you seen him throw a kick? He's nasty, yes. That's vicious.

Dude, that kills one of us, for sure. Okay, yeah. I forgot about kicks. I forgot about kicks. Yeah, the kicks. Dude, the kicks are coming out of nowhere. Yeah, that fucks up my whole battle plan. Dude, wait, my shin's broken.

The second one of us would try to grab a leg. You're catching like a flying knee. I forgot about that. I forgot about the kicks. I'm thinking of just a guy like, and you're like, he punches two of you, another guy like grabs his neck and just like punches him in the middle.

You can't grab their neck, too. They're good at like figuring that out. Shit, man. How many guys do you think you would need, 10? I think to get Rogan. 10? No, we would need three more, me, Ari, and Norman. Six guys.

Double us, we can take him. Ari's useless. Did you guys simulate this up? Ari's totally useless. Dude, you never know. He could be the last one, he could be the final guy. Norman, I would imagine, would be totally useless. After today's experience, I'm useless.

Nah, dude, you're gonna be- That's three useless bros. He's gonna start worrying about you if you keep these sessions up. Rogan's gonna be like, hold up, wait a second. If you went in- He's gonna be sitting like this, dude. The only move I have is to slowly walk towards someone.

That's gonna result in the hardest fucking roundhouse to the body. I love the idea of this melee against Joe Rogan happening and Shane sees a box and he's like, hang on, guys. Watch this. Steps up on it and then Rogan kicks it out from under him. Dude, my box steps are out of this world. What if one of you jumped off of something

and you think that improved the chances? No. If one of you jumped off of a trash can- Oh, dude. Dude, watch the kicks. Okay, two guys. And then watch me and Ari and Norman do anything. I know, his kicks are vicious.

He would slaughter us. Those back, that back kick is burnt in my brain on YouTube. The sound of it. And he's done combat sports his whole fucking life. You need to ask how many guys you think, realistically, how many guys you think he could take? Depends who, obviously. True.

Me, Ari, and Norman, they're a weak trio. Non-train fighters. Train fighters. Frank might be able to handle me, Ari and the fuck. No. I'm not a good fighter. I got my shit kicked in. What's your, what's some fight stories?

No, man, you told us a fight story. Yeah, have I told you that? Yeah, what was it? What happened? I got beat up by a lobster man. Yes. What? Up in Maine, yeah.

He was wearing his bean, dude. The lobster man do not take kind of the LL beanies. Well, I mean, I bet he was wearing bean too. He was wearing Timberland boots and kicked me in the face. What? I'm tall, six, three, I mean. How big was his lobster man? Huge.

Beefy, and he was flexible. What the fuck was his problem with you? And how'd you know he's flexible? Because he kicked me in the face. Oh, okay. How'd you get your leg, and he was wearing car heart pants. Wait, standing. Yeah.

Jaw. Through car heart pants, kicked you in the fucking face. Yeah, middle of winter. December 23rd. Oh my God. December 23rd, and it was snowing. What was your beef for this lobster man? In Maine, so Portland, Maine,

I grew up near there in Freeport, home of LL bean. Yep. I say this because I've heard Shane's a big LL bean fan, which made me laugh at him. I got one bean jacket, I'm pretty pumped. I'm gonna bring you a present next time I go home, please. I'm L.E., I'm all Lanzan, no offense. I'm Lanzan.

That's just poor. No, dude, Lanzan's poor? No, I used to get, my godmother used to give me a $15 Lanzan gift certificate every Christmas. You used to throw it out. Yeah, I don't even know how to value that. Tell you what, if you were in some end, that lobster man would have been like, what's up, bro?

Could be. He'd be about lobstering. Or he'd be like, who's this preppy douchebag? I feel like Lanzan's end is prepier, but it's cheaper than LL bean. LL bean, you get real woodsmen wear that shit. No, dude. Yeah, you're eating up.

When you're in a lobster boat, there'd be some bean, it's just some end, they're like, get on the boat, bro. That's what I'm trying to say. He would have been, they think they're like, if you're an end, they raise the lobster man, raise their leg up, they're like, they check their kick, like, nah, it's cool.

They give you a hand to get on the boat. That's all they do on those boats. On those boats, they're just like, huh. So you challenged the lobster man. He sent you to hell. So we sent you to the depths of hell. Did he put his claws on you, too? Just the feet.

We were, it was December 23rd, two nights before Christmas. I was sophomore in college, I was all my high school friends. Sophomore year is not a good year for you, bro. No, but this was college now, so I was 20, and we went to the bars in Portland. They close at one, so it's super early, which makes everyone sprint through their drinking.

Especially if Piss's lobster man off, I talked to a lot of lobsters about this. We're always like, dude, the bars closed so fucking early. Well, because they wake up so early, because they wake up early. The bars be closed. I'm trying to get my L.B. in the wet. Trying to get a little wet.

So you come out of the bars at one o'clock. No, we go to the pizza place to get Bill's pizza, and it's where everyone would go. And it's where the lobster man is. And we file into a booth. Yeah, Bill's pizza, after a long night of drinking. We got a couple bucks from the hall, it won't last long. I'm starting to think you guys don't want to hear this.

Oh, what are you guys doing here? I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I was giving it textures. I like the sound effects, it's like an NPR thing. This feels like, yeah, what is that? Prairie Home Companion. You guys are Prairie Home Companion-ing. Yeah, the Prairie Home Companion.

I never listen to NPR. Yeah, whatever. In Land's End, that surprises me. That's definitely a- Land's End stuff, your mom will get you. Thanks to the little snarky bitch, dude. Oh, you bring it out on me. I gotta fight back.

True, it is good. I appreciate that, my hackles are up. All right, so the lobster man. So we're in the booth, the lobster man comes in. What toppings, what toppings do you have? I don't even know. Lobster, the lobster man. Lobster pizza, one, please.

The lobster man comes into the bar, you're chatting with a girl about books you've read, and he goes, you think you know everything because you read these books at Harvard? And then you're out at Bill's Pizza and he slams a fucking thing against the window, and goes, you know that girl? I got a fucking number.

How do you like them lobsters? All right, you're at Bill's Pizza. Oh man, that went better than I expected it to. You're at Bill's Pizza. There, and I'm with my friends, and then a bunch of kids that we used to, our big rivals from La Crosse are at the next booth over, but it was like a, we had playing against them,

but they were fine guys. And so I got up and went and said hi to them, and I was catching up with them, but I wasn't like friends with these guys. And then these two girls came in, and they were fighting each other, these girls. But it was like not cool fight. It was like angry women, like hair pulling kind of,

yeah, they were in the thick of it. And one of the guys at this team, whatever this group of guys I was talking to, yelled like, you know, look at these, look at these whores. I don't even know what he said. Yes, yeah, you told this on the podcast before. I've told you on this on the podcast? I don't remember this.

Then I don't want to tell it again. Unless you told me this. I don't know. I've told you this in this room. I've never heard this. I don't think I, if I haven't. Keep telling it, these people are new. Okay.

They don't care. So the cross team called them whores. Did the cross team try to rape them at all? No. Did you and your buddies on the lacrosse team try to rape those women? Again, not my buddies. You know.

They're rivals. Rivals, but I don't know if he said, whatever. He said something like, look at these idiots or something, yeah. And then one of their boyfriends came over and was like, to his credit, I still remember this. He was like, we're trying to get them to calm down. Please don't make it worse.

He was like nice. And then one of the other ones said something like, keep your dogs on a leash. Galax bros. And they were just like, they were all shitfaced. And I, by the way, I was not inciting this, but the guy, he's standing over us. We're all in this booth and he cracked the guy

who said that in the nose and his nose exploded, exploded all over the pizza, which had not been eaten. He ruined the pizza. Yeah. And you said, I'm not gonna stand for this. I remember being like, I'd never seen, I'd never seen that really happen, you know what I mean? And it happened so fast that I was just like, what, what?

And they immediately got out of the booth and then his buddies were like, all right, it's going. And then the group of guys was like, they were pushing. And I'm like, am I part of this? Like I wasn't sure, you know? Cause I was in the booth with them, but they weren't the guys that I was there with and they weren't my friends.

But I was like, that was pretty, I remember thinking like, that was really unjust. And I was like, I feel like I'm supposed to do something here, but I didn't know what. And we pushed towards the pizza counter. And then the guy, apparently this happens a lot at this pizza place, Bill's Pizza. I think it's gone out of business now,

but there were fights there all the time. Cause it was where everyone would gather when the bar is closed, there's one pizza place. It was open late and the guy pulled the fire alarm instantly, the guy who owned the place, which like summons the police or whatever. Yeah, it's like pouring water on fighting cats though. Yeah, and then I was like, all right, this is getting bad.

So I went outside thinking like, I don't, you know, whatever. That's when you met. But the guy through the first punch was already out there waiting. And I come out, it was a swinging door that had a bell over it. I still, I still can hear the bell. Like I'm signaling like ding, ding, here we go.

And I walked out and he was squaring off. And I'm like, oh, okay. I guess I'm supposed to fight this guy. Oh man. And so I, you know, I got into what I thought was like a fighting stance, but we were kind of like far, we were like six or seven feet apart. And then I think in the process of me

closing the distance to him, I just put my hands down and he kicked me in the face. And then he got on my back because I was on my hands and knees and he stepped over my back like he was saddling me. And then he grabbed the back of my coat collar, hoisted me to a good height for him and started just teeing off.

Like he was hitting a pinata, my face. And he's swinging around my face because he's behind me. It's like riding me. That had kind of helped, I feel like though. No, not real. I mean, I couldn't put my, I couldn't put my hands up to I'm on my hands and knees.

I thought he said he hoisted you off the ground like. No, no, he's, I'm on my hands and knees and his legs are over my back. Like he's straddling me and he's grabbed my collar and he's just hitting me as I face the other direction on my knees and he got me like probably seven or eight times. And then finally he stopped because I think he realized he was going to kill me.

And then he helped me up and I looked around very like woozy. He said, who are you guys? And he goes, we're lobsters, we're the lobstermen. We're the men of the Dutch princess. Yeah, how'd you find out about the mass trade? Out of Balfast Harbor. Well, I looked around.

How did I find out that he was a lobsterman? Yeah. So there, I'll get, I'll get there. But I'm almost done, I promise. That's a great story. I looked around, every guy from our group, this group of guys that I should not have been fighting for or with had fought a different guy from his team

and everyone had like tied. They were all lying on the ground, groaning. There was no clear winners except that my guy was totally fine. And then he, by this point, I remember like they were, now the cops were coming and so they started getting into a cab and I walked over to their cab and I went,

are you guys okay? And the big guy who'd beaten me up was like, yeah, are you? And I'm like, yeah, you know, I've always wondered if I could take a punch and I'm honestly like happy to know that I can. And he was, and then we like dapped each other up, which, you know, I probably shouldn't have done because it was not, I did not, I was not in good shape.

I had broken my orbital bone, I had hairline fractures in my gums, my nose was broken, I ended up having a huge surgery on my nose because all the bones healed over my left nostril and I couldn't breathe out of that. Let alone do- No, that's good. When the adrenaline's flowing, you have to be-

You gotta go, hey man. I was- Fair fight. Yeah. You're the better man. Totally. I thought that was cool though. Like I was like, man, that's good sport, you know?

Combat and- No, you should have said, do you know who the fuck I am? Do you know who my father is? I will make your world a living hell for what you've done to me. And you should actually find out what his name is. Well, I know who he was. Which is how I know he was a lobster man.

You should make an effort to destroy his fucking existence. Say it right now. No, don't do that. I'm not gonna say his name, but the reason I know is because I wrote- I don't want this guy coming after us. I wrote a blog about this at Barstool and then the guy read it and messaged me.

What'd he say? He was like, that was me. I remember that very well that night. Like- This guy fucking owns you. I've been, but he was like, I've been following your work at Barstool. I didn't know you were that guy.

I think you're funny, yada yada. And then I was like, we went back and forth. I was like, what do you do? And he was like, I work on a boat. You should say, have you been training? Cause I have. Round two? I'd like to see you someday.

Let's meet at Bill's Keepsit. Dude, he was huge, man. He was like, man tough. I mean, he was man tough and then he threw a fucking kick to your face. That's fucking insane. Yeah. I'd like to know more about this guy.

What type of kick was it? Do you remember? All I remember is that all of a sudden I was on the ground and then I had tread on my chin. That's how I knew it was a kick. That's how I knew what had happened. Did he do like a Billy Jack where it was just like, and his leg just like-

No, I think it was like- Yeah, I don't think- It's a real leg, by the way. You just saw that. True. What is this leg joke? It's not a joke, man. People think I have a fake leg.

That is fake legs. Now that both of my legs are fake. I like that. Oh man. So, you know, that's the story, but I had to go get, we all went back to my buddy's place because we were gonna sleep there.

God damn. And we did what dudes do, which is that we recapped the fight. Of course. But this, now I was back with the guys I had originally gone out with who had just been watching this whole thing happen. Oh man.

Not involved. They were yelling, the police around, they were like- Yeah. And they all started to try to insert themselves into the story. Being like, when one of them,

I jumped in and I was like, none of you were anywhere to be found. Where were you when my orbital was being smashed? That was your team. You should have switched to the rival team. At least they had some fucking- I know. They had some heart.

Well, they were, because they were standing up for the guy who had gotten punched in the nose. Who's nose was destroyed. They were the aggressors. They were the verbal aggressors. Agreed. Agreed.

They were the verbal aggressors. The lobsterman obviously is the man. Yeah. And he wins in this whole thing, I feel like. That blows, that you had to be the victim. Yeah, but- But it was gonna be somebody.

Yeah. The next day, it was December, it was Christmas Eve. Yeah. And I drove home at seven in the morning and walked into our home as my mom was like baking Christmas cookies

and my face looked like beef tartare. Yeah. Oh, he said, lobster man got my face, mom. He said, mom. Mom. He probably dropped her plate.

I was like, was it a lobster man? Francis, was it a lobster man? I had to go get a- Is that like an LLB nice pack? Frozen lobster tails. Yeah. Damn.

I had to go to get emergency dental work done on a Christmas Eve. Because the regular desk wasn't open. So I had to go get emergency dental work done to set my teeth and all that. Damn. You were mangled. It was bad.

Dude, you said you took like six, seven punches like that? I might have been more. I have fucking no idea. Even still, that's- Untouched. The guy was untouched. It's just ace after ace after ace. What a jerk.

It's the perfect game. After the kick. I mean, I'd still to this day give him credit for relenting. He relented. Should mercy. It's like a hockey player. Also, it might have been his girlfriend

who was fighting one of those girls. Yeah, somebody was like bitch. That'll put you in the biggest rage too. You know what else? This is a funny story. Speaking of hockey. You see P.K. Subban's brother got heckled with a racist taunt by a player.

No. P.K. Subban's brother is in like the Southeastern League or some shit like that. He's not in the NHL, but he was playing and an opposing player who has since been cut from the team due to this, I guess acted like he made like monkey gestures at him, which is terrible. But then I read the story

and it was P.K. Subban's brother was trying to punch him in the face. Which is funny. Because it's hockey rules, you're allowed to fight. So you're not allowed to be racist. But it's funny that in any other situation, if a dude tried to attack you and you just went like, ooh, ooh, ooh, you're allowed.

He's just trying to beat your ass. It's mortal combat. But in hockey, then you read the story and he's like, yeah, I was trying to fucking punch him in the face. I can't believe he was racist. Well, I can. It is a weird clash.

Yeah, it's a weird clash of values. That's the time to be racist. Yeah, if somebody's trying to punch you in the face. Self, that's self-defense. That was self-defense. That was self-defense. You can't claim self-defense. I'm only racist when my back's against the wall.

You can shoot somebody in your house. Yes. But you can't be like, get out of here, you pollock. I don't know, it just made me laugh. That's the rules. Yeah, that's kind of. They were like, well, yeah, you're perfectly in your right to punch that man in his face.

Yeah. But his words, he's out of the league. Sticks and stones. Sticks and stones, bro. Does not apply. Yeah. Now I'm not condoning what that man did. Of course, I would never.

It is weird. It's a weird arena for that kind of stuff. But it is funny to be like, he was right. He said something mean to me. What if he was trying to attack him? He's like, I fight monkey style, dude. He might have been like channeling fucking. You can't make the sound effects, though.

Even if that's. I'm not sure that he did. I'm not sure that he did. But either way, you can't, you can't do any monkey related. You can't, there's no monkey business. True. That's true. No monkey business policy.

Good rule of thumb. Yeah. In the next time, though, at least he knows he plays again. If he's like, let me just actually, let me fight this man. I don't wanna. Yeah. Just a regular fist fight. I don't need to be racist.

The old fashioned fist fight. But yes, to circle back to the coolest thing that's ever happened to me, hanging out with Nate Diaz was the best thing in my entire life. Is it? It was, it was, yes. It had to be. Yeah, that's pretty.

It was a dream. That's cool. And then it was exactly what I wanted. Wow. Just watching him operate. Yeah, you've always wanted to get under the hood and just see him in action. To see what that was like.

The whole squad ruled. Was he smoking a lot of weed? Yeah, there was some weed. I did not participate because I don't like that stuff. But I did, oh, this is the best, this is the story I wanted to get to. This is not Nate Diaz related. This is at the UFC.

I'm sitting behind the commentator's table. So Megan Allevi, guard dog, you know her. She's a sweet angel. Yep, boife to Joseph Benavidez, former flyweight UFC fighter, yes. She's a pretty lady. She's a beautiful woman. And she was sitting directly in front of me.

I was sitting with other members of the UFC like production team. So she turns around and waves at somebody directly behind me. While I'm eating the chicken tendies. I'm sitting here with a box of tendies and I look up and she was waving and I went. She looked at me and went.

Dude, it was crazy. It was, it was insane. It was Shane Day, dude, you know what I'm saying? Dude, I thought I was like everybody loves me. I'm eating tendies. A beautiful woman, smiled and waved and I went. And while waving, I realized what was going on. I was just like.

My brother killed me with that one time. A lady was like, hey, and I turned around and he was like, dude, not everybody's fucking talking to you all the time. Yeah, that one hurt. That's understandable though. That's fully understandable. It was just a reflex wave.

But then I was smiling, waving back, eating chicken fingers in the front, hunched over in my chair because there was nowhere to put the tendies. I was holding a tray and I went, from me to you. I waved to somebody from this distance. Oh, and it's that close. It was this close, dude. She didn't give you, she wasn't like, hey.

Dude, she literally looked like I didn't do what I did. She acted like it didn't happen. She was like, okay, who the fuck is this guy? And then. You should have offered Tendi, she went. It was, then the ring girls would walk by every second. They're pretty. Oh my God.

They're pretty girls. And everybody has to pretend they're not staring at their asses. They're perfect asses. Every single person that I was with was like, I would notice it every day, every round. They would walk by and everyone was like, I was. You're greedy.

I'm gonna tap the guy next to me. A ring girl caught me a couple of times. Really? Because they would round to the bend. Isn't that the point of them? They would round to the bend and I'd be sitting there going. It was smiling at them. It was the same three girls all night.

It's the same three. So every time they'd walk by, I'd be like. Tendi. You shouldn't have done that again. But if you're sitting that close, don't they assume that you're somebody? And I know I make this joke a lot. They could have thought I was like a special guy.

I was up front wearing like a fucking NASCAR t-shirt. You were eating tendies. You were a good boy. I was a very good boy. They probably thought you had like 20 million GBPs, dude. This might be the ultimate, it was the ultimate GBP trip. It was the ultimate GBPs. And they sit together on the other side of the ring.

I'm sure they sat down and they're like, do you see this guy? When they come out, you should do a full closed eyes. Yeah, just. I mean. Can you film in there? Yeah, I got some sick footage. Just a fucking. Yeah, but then I was filming and I looked like such a dork.

What, the film? Instead of taking it in, I was standing there like. And the guy standing next to me was Rogi's driver and his guy. Yeah. So I'd be filming and I'd stop. Every time I'd be like, what the fuck am I, who am I? Who do I think I am? That's nice to catch a little glimpse.

I kept, and then I'd be like, oh, it's Dwayne Wade. Zoom in on Dwayne Wade. All right, who else did you see? Dude. Jackass. I got to meet those guys. Oh, that's cool. That was GBP city.

That's pretty sick. I mean, this was the GBP trip. What's GBP? Dude, yeah, the ultimate experience. It was, if I could have picked who to meet. Yeah. Who would have been Nate Diaz and Jackass. Which guys from Jackass?

I met Knoxville. Nice. Pontius and the guy who invented it. What's his name? Jeff. Tremaine. Yeah. Fuck.

That's sick. And the other guys, the new guys. Which I'm excited to see. What's the new, what's the new bros? I don't know. I forget. I didn't know they got fresh blood in the jacket. I got fresh blood.

And that's how I met them. I got fucked up. Where do you scout Jackass blood? I thought that enterprise was gonna, like not to be a dick. I thought like there was nobody left to do that kind of shit. Like those stunts made sense in the 90s. But now I'm like, I think, I guess I'm just older. That's all it is.

I think about that. I'm like, that's cool. Did you guys ever do. No, Zach Holmes. Zach Holmes. Yeah, dude. I fucked up. Zach Holmes.

Known as Zachass. Hell yeah. Nice. Ben Margera used to skate at the boards and blades skate park we'd all go to. And he would like, like do bamstropping before he did Jackass. He was like a nasty pro skater.

So we'd all be like, fuck bamstropping. That's Ben Margera, dude. Yeah. He's gonna do the big job. I met Ben a couple of times in Westchester. He was sick. Dude. He was a nice guy too.

He was cool. He gets a bad rap. In Westchester, people would give him a bad rap because he was cool. Dude, apparently the legend had it. Legend had it. Ben Margera respond. It was a dream.

Your skater, you just want to get sponsored. You get free stuff. A legend had it. He'd pop a trunk outside boards and blades and like hook people up with shit. That was the legend. Like, yeah, bam will hook you up with like spitfire wheels. If like, if you catch them out by the car.

Dude, we need to give props to Zach Holmes. What's his deal? That's our bro. That's how I met those guys. Dude, obviously. He came over to him and his lady, I think came over to me. I don't know if it was his lady. Actually when Moreno lost the whole arena is all lads.

Yeah. It's all Mexicans. Yeah. Moreno is the Mexican fighter. He lost. So the whole place is boom. They're a tree stay. And I locked eyes with the lady that was with him and went.

We had a good chuckle. It was a fun moment. That's a revolution, dude. So then at the, there was a Viva revolution, dude. They leave it out. And then at the end that they came over and were like, hey, we're fans of what you guys do. And I was like, sick, dude.

Can I meet everybody? And they're like, yeah, come on. It was sick. That rules. It was a nice time. Yeah. It wasn't like I hung out with the jacket. I just shut their hand.

I was like, I think you guys are really cool. That was the fucking, literally was the coolest shit. Still is. Yeah. It rules hard as fuck. But dude, when like that shit hit initially, I remember being little and just being like, there were so many kids who were like 14, 15,

be like, I know what I want to do with my life. It's clear now. I want to do six stunts with my boys. It's all I wanted to do. We did six stunts. I would like look at them. I'm like, I don't know if I could jump down that hill. I stood back a little.

Let my buddies jump off the deck. I was, we were right there. We would sleepovers in my place and we had a little point and shoot digital camera that could shoot like 30 to 60 second clips at most. Oh, perfect. All you needed. And we would strap on like bike helmets

and then get this single mattress and then go out to the ravine, which was really steep. And we would ride the mattress down the ravine, like a toboggan. And we would, the best part was always doing the intro. Like I'm Francis Ellis and this is the ravine thing. Like, yeah, that's, you know, cause they would always intro. I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is this.

Yes. What's, what is the, what's a ravine technically? I think it's just a steep embankment that typically has, you know, some sort of water running down the bottom of it, but it might not. It's just a very steep bank. So you guys would go down into the, would you guys have a,

we would ride it down. It was so steep you could ride a mattress down it. Whoa. Damn, were there any six spills? Any gnarly? Oh, we would, we would tumble. Did you bail gnarly? We would, we would tumble.

We'd be all, you know, cut up. Wow. The squad would be bruised up. But we were wearing our helmets. True. Yeah. Well, we didn't send that anywhere. We, we have a tape of me and my boys jumping off sheds. Pretty sick.

That's good. That's good. Jump off the shed, jump off the back deck, jump off my one friend's roof into some trees. We got, we got a little rowdy dude. When I was like real little, I used to jump up by myself, I would climb a shed and just jump off of it repeatedly.

That's pretty tight. So I would just like go home and like get in it. Catching sick airs. You could take it. I was addicted to it, dude. You could take it. You are an air hog. I'm not gonna lie.

Hey, where are we at on this? Yeah, I think we're like 120. 120, wow. What a sweet treat for you fellas. That was. So we got to switch over to the Patreon. Yeah. I'll get out of here.

You think you're going to get out of here? What the hell? I gotta get home. Feed the python. All right. That's fair, that's fair. So you're not going to join us for the Patreon? Dude, I got, dude, Indianapolis.

I just had another day. Nice. Friday, I had another show. Nice. So Indianapolis. Let me get these things out there, bro. I'm all the fucking business right now. Just added the late show to Friday, February 4th.

So that is open now and. Nice. Austin, it will be, let me see where this is. Austin, I believe is in March 18th, March 18th and 19th. So, dude, the big one, bro. You know, this is the big one. Bananas. Bananis.

Bananas, Comedy Club in North Jersey. That's going to be. I'm doing that one soon. That's going to be insane. That's going to be nice, bro. April 29th, April 30th, dude. Bananas will make or break me. If I fail bananas, I'll never work in this fucking.

Dude, I did bananas once and I forget who it was. We were talking about a headliner. There was like a picture of them on the wall. I was like, damn, they're great. The owner or the manager was like, yeah, I wish he was here this weekend. Jesus. And she accidentally said, she just said it.

And I was like, yeah, I wish I was somewhere else this weekend. The fuck, lady. That's crazy. You should have hate me. No, she's great. That was just a one, that was a slip. It was a slip and I was brand new. Yeah, it's a funny thing to say though.

17th, 18th and 19th of March. I'll be, oh no, that's March. That looks like it could be the comedy works. I gotta figure that out in Denver. Denver, I'm coming in March. Get ready. 17th, the 18th and 19th of February. I'll be at the comedy connection in Providence

and it looks like we're adding another show Sunday. That's eight shows. Must be nice. Let's do them. Yeah, eight fucking shows. God damn it. 24th, 25th and 26th, Matt McCusker will be with me in Salt Lake City.

How about that? Salt Lake City. Never been, never been. March 3rd, 4th and 5th, West Niaq, Levity Live. Wow, what a great show. What a great audience. Ha ha ha ha ha. Frank, what do you got, bro?

I'm doing bananas February 18th and 19th. Whoa, whoa. If you can't make it to the comedy connection, make sure you buy tickets to Francis Ellis. Yeah, come check that out. But the big one for me, the big one. I got a big one. Gotham Comedy Club.

Oh nice. April 8th and 9th here in New York City. Maybe one of you guys can do a little. A little drop in. A little drop in. When is it? The 8th and 9th? April 8th and 9th, yeah.

That always looks so cool on that stage too when they film. It's great. That works awesome. Don't be at the Palm Beach Improv, the 8th and 9th. 8th and 9th of April, don't go, get out of New York. You're not going to want to be there. April 8th and 9th, head to the Palm Beach Improv.

Frank, thank you for joining us. My pleasure, thank you guys. It's always a treat, dude. So much for having me. You're the best. It was a blast. I really had a good time. You guys are good folks.

It's nice to think about that lobster man just getting another notch on his belly, hearing this and being like, yeah, that's me. Yeah, hell yeah. Yeah, I kicked the guy in the fucking face one time. I like to believe that when he tells people that story, they don't believe him. I beat up that guy Francis one time, that comedian.

Yeah, right. You keep pumping the team, dude. You keep pumping the team. They're going to be like, no fucking way. Yeah, that's right. You pump that creatine up. I'm trying, feed the Bithons. Do you ever pray that his ship goes down?

Do you pray that the lobsters feed on him someday? No, the real horrible, I mean, my brain, you're not taking it far enough. You want global warming to increase such that the water temperatures rise and become unhospitable to lobsters such and they will continue to migrate north, which is already happening and he's out of work.

Yeah, you want him to work on that boat forever. Yeah. Backbreaking work. Very little rewards. I always wonder. You want him to be Manchester by the sea. You want him to have that life. Yeah, I want him to be.

I always wondered if the elites would sacrifice the global ecosystem. And I'm like, I guess they would. To settle the score. Yeah, they would. Absolutely. I thought I was like, yeah, they won't ruin the whole world.

I tutored the kid in Manchester by the sea. Really? Yeah, the kid who won and got nominated for the Oscar. Lucas Hedges. Wow. Tutored him for the ACT. Nice. He's from Brooklyn.

What do you score? I don't remember, actually. I'd like to make that public information. Yeah. Yeah, it's important for us. He's done really well. He's been, you'd like that guy. Really?

Yeah. He's crushed it. He's in so much now. I'd have to take a look at his face. I have to Google it. He was in mid 90s, that Jonah Hill skateboarding movie. That was pretty solid. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's the older brother. Oh, he's the older brother? Older brother. All right. Well guys, this has been a hell of a time. Frank, thank you. What a pleasure. Matt, as always dude, it's such a pleasure working with you.

Sean, you're one of the best, dude. You're up and coming. Best in the business. You're up and coming. Thank you, Sean. Yeah, dude. I can't wait to see what happens with you. I can't wait to see it.

Me neither. Okay. Thank you.