Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 388 - The Spirit of Lesbos (feat. Chris O'Connor)

Episode Date: March 23, 2022

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod yoooo. Hot 1 this week. Dr. $ponge joins the D.A.W.G.Z. to spread sum fake newz. Na jk we talk girl dads, porn dads, nerdstresses, the spirit of lesbos, and more. Bless you. Please enjoy. Support Stuff Island @ patreon.com/stuffisland Shows mssecretpodcast.com/dates/ shanemgillis.com/ Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook app, and use promo code DRENCHED to get $200 in free bets when you spend $5 Support the show and get 20% Off with the code DRENCHED at Lucy.co  

Hey, welcome to the podcast. We motherfucking live. We're live. We're starting over. So there's a mole at Barstow, you said. That's what they're saying. What the heck? Yeah, these guys can't catch a break.

Barstow, they got a fucking someone's veritas in them. Someone's lived veritas in them. Why? About what? I don't know. A mole inside insider. I don't know, dude. That's fucking weird. They're just, I don't know. Saying that there might be a mole feeding information.

There's probably one of the dozens of hot 20-year-old women that you have kicking around. Yeah, it seems to do starts. Maybe I should get in there and interrogate them. You should, dude. Lock them up. You should fucking strap them down 50 Shades of Grey style, because you're not sharing information to insider or buzz feed about you.

You better not be sharing any information about this blog. I think it's about the Picadillos. I think it's about the Picadillos. Oh, really? I think, yeah. I think about insiders getting in on the Picadillos, dude. I don't even know what there would be to secret, like, to figure out about barstool.

No, it's just juicy scoop. Someone's going to be like, what even could be the juicy scoop? It's just Dom's daddy behavior. It's just Dom's daddy behavior. Rone doesn't even like Fidelberg. You're like, what? What are you guys doing? I didn't read the whole thing.

I think it was more to do with the proclivities of a powerful man. Oh, you think they're talking about sex tapes? Portnoy's sexual. I think the other insider are like, yeah, he does. Dog chicks out. Yeah. Yeah, he does.

He gets a lot of pussy. It does get a lot of pussy. Wait, you're telling me that the very powerful guy that's, you know, millionaire? Yeah. You tell me. No, I don't know. They got the inside.

They have their. You're telling me. Their intelligence has uncovered. That that guy likes having sex? It's like, yeah, he actually is getting a ton of. They're in a cafe. Yeah, he's getting a ton of pussy. It's crazy.

He's actually getting more pussy than you think. Oh my god. Doggy stuff. How much pussy? Doggy? Doggy. He's dogging. I can't be seen.

I got to get out of here. I got to get out of here. He goes in like, hey, guys, did you see the game last night? The news sucks, dude. The news sucks, dude. It's all falling apart. Yeah. It's all falling apart, dude.

It's I don't think anyone's going to believe it. And dude, say what you want about Trump. He shot a fucking arrow into the mainstream media. I was like, you know, a lot of this shit's fake. And people are like, what? Yeah. They started to look into it. It just completely destabilized.

I watched the BBC this morning. Did you really? It was pretty fun to watch. Give it a shot. Actually, they had a Canadian correspondent that is 100% your Canadian impression. Really? I thought I, for some, Peterson's the only guy I've ever

heard talk like that. I thought it was Jess Peterson when you're saying all Canadians talk like that. Yeah. They talk like that. I think it's like the South here, but there's like a lady correspondent in Ukraine like, well, it's rather, it's rather peculiar what's going on here.

Really? Yeah. And the BBC? She was on the BBC. And then they, this one guy did like a, he was, he was embedded with some Belarusian guys that were going to go fight on behalf of Ukraine. It was clearly just a gang of fucking idiots.

One of the guys was from America. What? They were like, we're about to go fuck up Russia. It's just a bunch of dudes that were clearly like paintball guys. I might have been with them on the tactical gear. I might have been with them last night in my dream. Oh yeah, true.

I had a dream last night. I was in a highly disorganized operation where they dropped me in Russia with a couple of people. And we, I was like, I wonder how dangerous it actually is over here. And it was like, I was in Ukraine. I saw the blue skies were magnificent. I was like, it's actually a lot prettier here than I thought.

You love the blue skies of Ukraine. Clear blue skies of Ukraine, dude. And all of a sudden I got just the building I was in started getting bombed and shelled. And I was just like ducking debris and chunks of like concrete and like dudes came up and I just was like trying to figure out which side they're on. So I didn't want to reveal who side I was on, but I couldn't

tell them apart. So I kept being like, what, uh, what are you guys doing? Yeah, you guys. Oh, yeah. Nice. Nice. And I was trying to figure out your side where you are. I was just there.

I was just, I don't know why I was in. I was there. I was fearing the Russians. So I think I was there, but my allegiances were quickly flipped. Once I was like, I was about to be like, yes, crazy. It's crazy. In my dream, I was terrified. I was going to get shot.

Yeah, it's like a real fear. And then one dude sold me a gun for like 20 bucks. I was like, sweet. Now I have a gun. I feel so much better. That's good. What kind of go is it? It's a small guy.

It's a little James Bond guy. Yeah, a little PPSP seven, a little PPSP seven, dude. It was like fifth. I forgot how it was cheap. I remember being like, that's pretty cheap. I'm surprised. Yeah. Well, our economy collapsed.

Money doesn't really count. Yeah. I got a gun and I was walking around like, this is pretty scary, but everyone was pretty jovial for the most part in Ukraine. I think these guys, I think they were Ruskies. My, my, I'm glad you're reporting back on this. Well, just so everybody knows they're pretty jovial over there. Yeah.

They were interested in what I was up to. And I was just kind of like, yeah, man, it's crazy. I didn't want to come out and ask because I think they assumed I was on their side for some reason. It's tough. There's a war of all white people. Everyone's kind of like, yeah. Yeah.

What side? Who's the good guys? What are you doing? It's usually pretty easy to delineate. Who's the good guy? This is tough for some reason. Yeah. Very tough to be a, that was, that was a disturbing dream.

That was a very, uh, yeah. Although those blue skies, man, goddamn, they were magnificent. Yeah. Basically just wasn't your, I'm a wartime correspondent. I was there. Do it with the Astral tour. Beating in a building and exploding, having a building blow up while you're inside of it, like chunks of it flying was, that was disturbing.

That would be a negative experience. Yeah, dude. I can't believe you went through that. I was major, I was major. I mean, I pretty much did. Yeah. I was matrixing chunks of concrete. Just like, whoa, scary.

That's startling stuff. It's startling, dude. I know what it's about. When you put on the helmet as a wartime correspondent, I'm like, yeah, I could see a couple of them got dinged up during this thing, by the way. I heard some correspondents got some died. Yeah, you can rock. I mean, that's scary, but imagine being the mole at Barstool, dude.

True. Someone's going to put me in the ultimate headlock, dude. If they find out, there are some journalists that go to Ukraine and get hit with a rocket. There's also some journalists that, you know, interview moles at Barstool. Get the ultimate dead leg, dude. You think his henchmen would just be like, give him another Indian bird. If the Barstool guys got a hold of his older brother, they took him to the

back room. The Swirlies. Oh, it'd be some nonstop Swirlie waterboy. Just cupped farts. Right. Speak. Who's the mole, bro? I told him you got fucking pussy, but it wasn't me.

I told Buzzfeed you got head. Everybody knows Portnoy's getting a bunch of head now. Damn, dude. That must be tight to purely use power to get pussy. Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah. What's the point of power? I know, but it's like that feeling when you're just like like the Trump thing,

when he's like, you can grab a woman's pussy of just like, that must be crazy. He's usually got to kind of court and do a little song and dance, but just to be like, yeah, they're like, oh, fuck, I was waiting for you to do that. Like I knew you were great. Oh, I found I Googled myself. Did you? I wanted to see if there's any good news about me. Which cut?

Uh, let me see. You got some good press. There's a funny one now. It's always, although now everybody's doing. Shangela shares bonkers, Nate Diaz street fight story. It's like, no, yeah, don't do that. It's good though. No, it's a little layer.

True. Now it's all Nate Diaz if you search for it. Uh, no, hold on. There's a good one. You should call TMZ on yourself and that yo, Shane's going to be here. They come back. Yo, guys, come on. What the hell?

Leave me alone, guys. I'm at this. I'm going to this charity thing for. Dead gay guys. Fuck it. I got to go to this charity for your fucking gay ass dead guys. There's a bunch of gay dudes in the hospital. I got to go visit.

I was going to do a patch Adams for him. Patch Adams. Fuck, I can't even find it. This guy wrote a thing about like. Kid Rock has a show. I'm doing that kid rock. He's like, for an audience, I don't know who who would even go to this. Are you serious, man?

Notable names on there include fired SNL guys. Shane goes to trying to put his career back together. I guess by doing shows like this. What the fuck? What are you mad at? We used to mad at me. Leave me alone, dude. Yeah, that's all the fuck.

It's also insane. It's a weird blogger tendency to have like a blog with like maybe a thousand reads a month and be like hanging with no bodies, including Kid Rock. Multi platinum recording artist, loser, Kid Rock. So I searched his name because I knew what he looked like. Of course. I knew what the any time somebody writes a little bitch ass article like this. It's very fun to click their type their name in a click image.

Would you look like curly black hair glasses? No, he's not Jewish. Good drive. Fair enough. Fair enough. Actually, it could be who knows. But yeah, fella. Oh, man.

He's like the most. You got hit with like the. And then there's his Twitter. They love they love cartoons of themselves on Twitter. God damn. So I think of that guy being like he's trying to put his career back together. Yeah, I thought you were battling. I'd like to punch you in the belly.

You're you're going. I thought you I was hoping your opponent. No, I'm not going to dox the boy. I was hoping your opponent was less than we wanted for them to actually be a martyr. Yeah, that guy starts getting attention. Then it's bad. Then it's bad. Just being a martyr for like five people online.

Just like six different dudes that like Kid Rock are going to be like. Again, so see, they're calling me. They're attacking me because I'm a journalist. Yeah, that's he's basically in Kiev, dude. You might as well be in Kiev. He's he's he's pulling on Putin's fucking cape right now. That's who I know. Yeah, that's true.

And press the button. It's like have him have people being a journalist and keep Ukraine. If you're if you're a comedy journalist or like an entertainment journalist, if some if three dudes tweet at you, oh, my God, I can't believe I'm finally getting doxxed and attacked. I don't know what this like, even though I just wrote an article about a guy saying his career is a piece of shit. That's a deeper foe, to be honest.

I thought currently guy like the curly hair, dude. That's like they're kind of annoying, but you're hitting like a gay Magneto, dude. He's connected. Oh, that's it. That's not even gay. I doubt he's gay. But that's a straight. Doesn't matter.

Desperately trying to get pussy. You got hit with the craft beers like we talked about in voluntary in cell. You're dealing with an involuntary in cell who just buy nature battles and voluntary gay thought. He's like, I'm not fucking gay. You think once I bring down Shane Gillis on ball with the ball concert. Ball with the ball concert. I haven't been more excited for it.

I can't believe people are even will rule who could possibly be criticizing that show. You got to have a real stick up your ass to be like, there's a kid rock concert. There's a kid rock comedy show in Nashville. I don't like it. You got that crazy. That's going to be the best show I've ever done in my life. Yes.

But how many people are going to be there? It's at the fucking rhyming. It's going to be a sold out auditorium. It's going to be where it's going to be crazy. Could you imagine, though, just living that life? Is any other response? Fuck yeah, dude. Kid Rock's selling out in a comedy show. Nice.

There's not one for, dude, even like normally, like my agent, the Jays, the team, the teams, they'll be the Taiwan's. They'll be like cautious if I'm like, hey, I want to do something. They're like, why don't you not do that? Like how do I get on info wars? Let's not. But this one, I was like, yo, can I do Kid Rock's show? They're like, fuck yes.

Like even the people whose job it is to be like chill. To curb. Yeah. They were like, dude, that's going to be the coolest thing ever. Yeah, it'll be fucking awesome. Every normal. Like if I told my parents, they'd be like, sick. Is the kid doing stand up? I don't know the kid.

The kid might host. The kid's probably going to host. I think he's playing some music. I don't know. Holy fuck. The kids are going to murder. You know, didn't you go to somebody? You know, went to a kid.

I went to the Kid Rock pub, not a kid concert in Nashville. Yeah, five. Then we're doing comedy jam there after we're singing and Kid Rock's going to be singing. Kid Rock has a margarita set up. Yes, he does. Kid Rock's the fucking best. Five levels of party, dude.

Fuck. What are the five levels? It's just a different kind of party. It's just more white track. There's no different themes. It's all just tank tops and fucking. What is it? Like beer, beer, weed, Perks, Coke. And then the top level is just the N word bar.

You're allowed to say it. There's got to be some shine there. It's a moonshine. It's moonshine. Yeah. What's this menu? Can you pull up Kid Rock's menu? Dude, I do like I went to a Sammy Hagar has an excellent restaurant. Kid Rock got in trouble recently.

Well, someone like, no, someone threw like a bag of shit at a security guard at Kid Rock's bar during the pandemic. What's the scoreboard? Someone threw like a colostomy bag at a pouncer at his bar during the pandemic. It's got to be every week. He was open full capacity the whole pandemic.

So they're already on his case. Beast. And then someone threw like a bag of shit at a security guard when he's kicked out. Let me look up the menu. And they didn't shit in the bag. They got a colostomy bag. I believe so.

I heard it like it was like a year ago. It definitely wasn't. I feel like anyone with a colostomy would love the Kid Rock. True. That's a patriot's affliction. Maybe they maybe someone else robbed. Yeah, it's a patriot's affliction. It's like, well, you've just been munching wild shit.

You didn't fucking doing something. Damn. He turned it to nunchucks and was swinging it at two cops. His colostomy. That gentleman. Yeah, this gent right here. The fuck was it? What was his problem?

He was pissed. It was like a lib that fell on hard times, dude. Let's see. So he was pissed. Kid Rock was open during the pandemic. No, I think he was like getting kicked out for partying too hard. Oh, obviously. I'm pretty sure they deal with this consistent.

Yeah, that's nothing. And he wielded his own colostomy bag as a weapon. Yeah, he's like stand back. Effective weapon. Oh, my God. Awesome. Yeah, he's going to kick that for me. I mean, dude, that crowd.

They could be the biggest dude in the world. You start whipping fucking shit nunchucks out of the world. Easy shit. That's true. Get back. Get back. Easy. Hold on to that bed.

Easy. The negotiator must have been nasty. That's true. We've all wanted to wave our bag of shit around. But look, buddy, please, what happened? I was on my fourth order, dropped my black and mild. It's ruined. Some guy was calling me a vape and I fucking lost it.

Same. Yeah, the kid. I mean, how think of being a fucking lib reporter, seeing the Kid Rock show and being like, whatever. Dude, that's going to stuck. And I'm typing like, who's even going to this? Where are they publishing this stuff? Is there like, it's like pastes or something like that.

Yeah, dude, I mean, you should storm the building. They I'm here totally non-violently. But like, what's up? Yeah, what's up? What's the fuck? What's what's up? We storm the. So whatever that building is, just go in there.

But yeah, I'm here totally non-violently. But like, what's up? Why are you guys saying mean things about me? Yeah, why is it non-violently? Have the camera. Have the camera. And be like, what's your problem with Kid Rock Comedy Festival on the record?

What's up? How could you ever have a problem with Kid Rock Comedy show? Yeah, dude, you know, he has a five-tiered restaurant. Do we get the menu? We get the menu yet? What's the menu? Yeah, we got the menu.

It's going to be a good menu. The food is kind of standard, but he's got some nice drinks. Oh, OK, I did. This might get back to the kid, dude. Forgive me, sir. Oh, that is cuisine. Everybody. I think it's clear this whole crew supports Kid Rock.

Yeah, I love Kid Rock. And I'm on stage when I was there in Gashville. Do you support the kid? I mean, I like the kid. OK. Why are you hedging your answer? Why isn't it just an unequivocal? Yes.

I don't know what the kid's been up to. I don't know what I want to say. He's politically very active. He got pretty active. I think he was running for a second. He was running for Congress somewhere. He better. He was giving speeches like, fuck all those.

Wow, wow, wow. It was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, we've been letting that word fly a little bit on this episode. I apologize. I apologize. You shouldn't do that. You should not.

Well, you're quoting. I was quoting, but that doesn't matter. I know. Quoting the kid. That doesn't matter. Some fucking pussy cartoon avatar on Twitter is going to be like, he did it again. You got to stop him.

It might be the thing to derail, dude. If the kid calls you like, Shane, buddy, it's getting hot around the whole podcast. Dude, can you imagine? Dude, you're going to be able to come up. I'm going to come there and mosh door in your set. Please. I might grab a set of wings in his fucker.

I'm bringing this with the bros down for the weekend. That's Monday. The Kid Rock Jam is Monday. Monday. But Friday and Saturday, some of the bros are coming down for the comedy festival, the National Comedy Festival. Yeah. Damn, dude.

You are not, though. I don't think I can. Because you're cheering. I'm a cheater. Yeah. Because both you're cheering. I have two, yeah. Coming up.

When's number two? June 1st, allegedly. Nice. Yeah, June 1st. Is it a B, B, or a G? It's a G. It's not a G. It's a G.

Two Gs. Two Gs. Girl, Dad. Hashtag GD. You are a fucking girl, Dad, dude. I might not be allowed in the Kid Rock restaurant, dude. Probably not. Girl, Dad?

Find another kid? I could see a kid having daughters. I might swing hard left if I go girl, Dad. I mean, he's definitely got daughters. He might be Brooklyn Defiant, Dad. That's what I'm saying. You can go hard left. You might be Matt Defiant.

I just feel like I give my daughters, they can wear whatever they want. You have a problem with what my daughter's wearing? I meant to watch this. There's a show right now on Netflix. I got to look into it. All I saw was the trailer, but it looks pretty good. What is it?

It's called Pleasure. And it's about girls orgasming. And it's like, if you could go back in time to, and so you always knew how to come, wouldn't you? It's like a cartoon for girls how to orgasm or something. To the hell of talking about my daughters. Dude, what the hell brought you on this? They're interviewing, like, hold on.

They're interviewing, like, black ladies in hijabs. Like, I love orgasming. It's like, thanks, Netflix. What the fuck? They must. That must be one of those looked both ways before you say it. It must be like. They probably get hooked.

Some dude comes back from work and is like, the fuck. Don't go on Netflix talking about a dang orgasm. They hate that they were designed not to come here with me. Yeah, they can't. They're sick of it. Some of them can't think like if they could come fast, nothing would get made. No people would get made.

They can do. They can. I've heard they repeat. They can go back and forth. Oh, they can keep going. They keep going. It's just if they want to or not, you know what I mean? They can be like, oh, I came too much.

I'm done. Well, it's like a nicer version of being like, you're to get off me. Yeah, yeah, me. Sex is meaningless for women, dude. Completely meaningless. The point of all pleasure. My research. Yeah.

What I've discovered. I don't think there's as far as I've been able to tell. I don't think there's any. They're getting absolutely nothing. The vagina has as much nerves like the bottom of your foot. It's nothing. Yeah, it's nothing. That thing is a fucking old boot.

That thing stinks, dude. Get rid of him. There's no feeling. It's like a catcher's mitt, dude. It really is. They can catch a fucking 95. You can pitch. You could throw like 95 mile per hour right into it.

They'd be like, what? They hit him in the asshole. They'd be like, ah, fuck. Yeah. You can go down there and fucking. Nothing. I got attacked by a couple of middle-aged black ladies. I was propagating this myth in Buffalo.

I was like, women don't have. My claim to fame was that I can make a woman come. I can make a woman almost come every time we have sex. Yeah. And she was like, oh, you're not getting it done. I'm like, silence. I mean, you guys, you know, it's a you guys don't have orgasms. Dude, these ladies spaz.

They do not like it. I'm like, no, it's fucking fake. And I'm like, if you are having them, you're it's a mental disorder. They were just like, what? Yeah. I don't think they've ever come across that even as a joke in their circle.

Oh, yeah. That orgasms for women were a mental disorder. That was like the first. That was the breaking news that never heard that information. They piped down, though. It shut them up. Really? You know what's crazy, though, is in that in that commercial

or the trailer I saw, there's like a lady that's like, having a good time by myself. It's like, take it easy. Now, that's true. Psychotic. Yeah. But it'd be like, yeah, like bragging like, hey, I'm I don't have sex.

I just whack off constantly. What commercial is this? It was a trailer for the show that I was just talking about. Women being alone show. Yeah. Well, no, it's about women finding their orgasm. And I think they were advocating for finding it at a very young age, but I could be wrong.

Who knows what these Netflix creeps are up to anymore. True. It's like, don't you don't you want human contact? Not if you're a kick ass woman, dude, because all dudes love Trump, you're a kick ass woman. You might fall in love with Trump supporters. You might end up at a fucking kid rock rhyming concert. I feel like this is like this is a I feel like we're writing

a kid rock song here. Like you're talking about a kid rock new stuff. It's like a lot of women are becoming lesbians because good men are Trump supporters just to be annoying. Yeah, just getting track. Yeah. Just getting possessed by the spirit of Lesbos. I read a book and they talk about that apparently.

That's like a Greek thing. Lesbos. Lesbos is a is a God. It has to be Lesbos. What's the story of Lesbos? Dude, Steppenwolf. It might be the best book I've ever read. But he talks about the book, the arc.

I could sum it up in two seconds. If you don't want the book spoiled, just fast forward two seconds, but a guy who's 47 years old, and he's a hipster in like 19, like 25, because he's like, everything fucking sucks. He's like, look, here's jazz. And he's like, give me Mozart's magic flute, dude. He's like, I hate fucking jazz.

It's disgusting. So he's walking around me like, I'm going to fucking kill myself, dude. His life is so wretched and pointless. Then he gets pussy and he's like, hold up, hold up. He's like, this is pretty cool. So he's caught a woman, like, takes a man. He's like, going to kill himself.

And he stops at a bar to drink fucking wine. And he stops in there. It's German. What a bitch. Dude. He's about to kill himself. He gets some wine. Well, dude, that's what he was drinking.

He's the Steppenwolf. He's a super educated. He's like a wildly educated dude. So he stops him. What the fuck did he call the wine? The name of the wine is so fucking funny. He's like, I can't remember it. He's like, hello.

He goes to the old helmet. That's the bar he goes to. Been the old helmet again. Yeah. Dick reference, for sure. Goes in, a lady stops him and is like, you wretched creature. What's wrong with you? And he's like, oh, I can't go home.

She's like, why? And he's like, oh, I can't even say. And then she starts, she's like, she's like, eat something. She starts commanding him. She's hot. And he was like, I'll do your bidding. She's like, make some meat. He like, goes to sleep in the bar.

She's like, I'm going to teach you. She's like, make some re-interact with society again. But she sets him up with pussy. That's the whole thing. He's going to kill himself. She's like, no, you can't fuck me, but you can fuck this chick as her friends start fucking him. And he's like, it's actually fucking rules.

But he learns that the girl's like, I know how the other girl kisses. And he's like, how have you come upon that information? She's like, I'm not going to say. And he goes, what he sees her again. He was like, just to think of them entwined in the spirit of Lesbos. All that to build up, dude. I was in the woods walking my dog.

I started laughing in Detroit. He got hard. He got hard. It was. He got hard. He was with the girl the next night after learning that. And he goes, something about that knowledge of their inner counter with Lesbos charged me up.

God, especially when you really think about what most encounters in the spirit of Lesbos are like, oh, my God, two fucking four-year-old ladies with crew cuts after the fucking big high school fucking basketball game coming together. Or after you kill at a bar, you're like the best comedian in the world as a lesbos, the spirit of Lesbos. And like one of the old, like, remember the Sex and the City

episode that happens a lot. You get some ideas. You get ideas just murdering, dude, for a hip sold out crowd. They're all. And then they shotgun some a joint into your mouth. And you're like, oh, my God. For sure. Sex and the City Girls. We might be the Sex and the City Girls, the four of us.

You might be. You're Miranda, the guy or whatever. Is it Miranda, the one who's the red head? Yeah, yeah. You're Miranda, the Lesbos. That's fine. I like pussy. That's fine. I like pussy. You said you're a lesbian girl.

What would you know? I'm Charlotte. You're the old slut. You're Charlotte. Yeah, you're Carrie. You're Sarah Jesky. I'm the one who writes. Yeah, you're the writer. I'm the old slut. You're the old slut.

I see that. I'm Charlotte. I'm just a sweetheart. True. This is true. You know me. I do know you. This is true. I am the old fucking war.

Tommy's Mr. Big. You become Jewish to get married. Do I? Yeah. Well, Tommy has sex with you. Tommy fucks you in the butt. What? Tommy fucks you. He stuffs your island. Who's Tommy?

Good Lord. And there goes my. What would you do if you're with a girl and you knew she had encountered the spirit of Lesbos? Would that like with that flame, your passion? What if I had a fan, the flame of your passion? If I knew my girl, if you found out second hand that she had the flame of Lesbos.

She's experienced. No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't fan the flame of your passions. I think it would kind of annoy me. I'm kind of a neutral. Yeah, yeah, I'm kind of neutral. I'd kind of be like, why'd you do that? And you don't.

Don't do that. I'm kind of neutral. Yeah, I've experienced that. I've experienced that. Really? The girl I've been with has been like, I've I've laid in Lesbos. I've laid in the absolute spirit of Lesbos. I've been like, ew, it's kind of gross.

You're that much of a fucking. They never describe it as that great. Hating on girls, forbidding your daughter from being a lesbian is so fucking funny. No, if they're not have that in my house, they're like full lesbian. It's like, go do it for sure. But it's like a girl that's like, I was just being a slot one night. And it's like, ew, yeah, I hear you on there. It's nothing to be tempered with.

It's a beautiful celestial thing. It is a gorgeous thing. Spirit of Lesbos. Two women in love. Yeah, not two drunk chicks. Like, yeah, like we're making a mockery of lesbianism. I bet Lesbos frowns upon that behavior. There's I think so, too.

Yeah, no, there's no spirit there. That's a lifestyle, bro. The spirit's not there, but I will say everybody does enjoy it. The whole thing. Everybody even the old it pleases the entire world. Like even the old Lesbos are watching down to the bar stool, bros, everyone in the bar who sees two young girls making out is like, it's going well.

I never liked it. You didn't like it. I never liked it. I never liked it. Never turn it. It wasn't like that poster of like two girls on their bed in college. I hated that poster so good. I never saw that.

I hated that. It was like black and white. Yeah. Do I have this right in bed? Yeah. Oh, you know what I think? Every doing. Everybody had that.

Every the dumbest dude you knew in college had that fucking poster. What a moron. I didn't have so much. I didn't have the poster hanging stuff. How stupid do you have to be to have that fucking poster? The dumbest, the dumbest. Like, what did you think it was like you were going to bring two girls into the room and they were like, oh.

Whoa. It sets the tone. It sets the tone. I guess it does set a tone. You want to come study in my room and it's just two lesbians making it. Never mind that. Whoa. About this chemistry.

Whoa, you're a horny fucking guy. That's cool. There was so many dudes. Yeah. Do they have short hair in the picture? Yeah, one does. Yeah. OK, I've got me.

I've seen that 100. Oh, what is the other? Bro, I like it. I like it. No, you may not. You may not. You have to have seen this poster. No, it's before his time.

I don't know. Yeah, you guys. Kids his age have like porn hub stars on their wall. Yeah, we have NFC. That was big for us. That's still NFC. You guys didn't have anyone with lesbian posters on the wall? Not that I can recall.

I remember those study cards. I was kind of in a big, black, black, like culture poster. I got that. Yeah. I got a black light poster of a toad with like a big mushroom. Whoa. Sit under the tree. You didn't even get it.

Smoking a pride. You was a potted. Chris was a potted. Here's Ross to Chris. Oh, yeah, you went to Ross to mom. Wait, you had this? Study hard. My boy Marco Cordillo had that.

Sorry, Marco. You had that. It's about getting boners and studying. Yeah. You had that. Sorry, Marco. You did have that. I'm being factual here.

You didn't have a boner. You did have a study hard poster in your room, I believe. Damn, I'm trying to think. I definitely had a dumb poster. Dude, my one boy has a poster porn. His mom lives in his house, but it's his house. And he has just like playboy shots on the fridge. It's his house.

He just holds it down, dude. That's too much, you know? Is what it is, bro. You want a little tease. Guys being guys. Yeah. It's still, by today's standards, it's tasteful. It's just like a very light bush,

tits and like a hiked up skirt on the fridge. And it's got that like soft glow, whatever that is they used to put on playboy pictures. No, it's like. Those are good. Tastes brushed. Yeah. I'm always kind of like, that's a sick thing to own.

So you're like, yeah, hang porn off of that. What of it? Old playboys. I'm a guy. Playboys are good. Putting porn, just like being a dude and just having like a piece of porn on your wall and just being like, what? I like to look at it.

Kind of rules. It kind of rules. I like to look. I might start tacking some up and be like, I remember I went. You're a girl, dad. True, I'm forbidden now. You cannot do that. I don't want the insiders to be out of less books.

Yeah, that's what you should put in the basement. Yeah, you should start stacking the basement with just. Thank you. Just tape. Weird porn. I'm going to be a porn dad. Becoming a avowed porn dad. There are some severe porn dads.

We did. We had one in our school. That's how everybody wax off as young men. You go to your friend's house that has a born dad. Porn dad. Y'all get the tapes. The mags. Dude, it was mags.

We had mags laying around in this one dude's house. You'd reach the top shelf. Be like, nice. Let's go. Nice. A good porn dad. Jackpot. Fucking horny dad.

Dude, I'll never forget. My parents went over my like, my whole family went over to my friend's house for like a dinner thing. You like that, Tom? Tom, did you? My dad is such a horny dad. Wait, you were a porn dad? Your dad was a porn dad?

Oh my god, he had a stack like 15 high. Did you just disseminate? Oh, yeah, absolutely. You spread the good word to the gospel? I had like 30 minutes before my brother came home, and I would run in his closet. I'd take a snapshot visually of the angles that they did for it.

And you had to put it in the VCR TV that was combined. Wow. And you'd beat off, but you'd have to remember. Where it started. When he stopped. Oh, yeah, where did you stop? Rewind it to the, you know, the guy in the fucking hat. Yeah, yeah.

It sucked off. What's it like? So as I remember, I get hornyed up again. And I have to charge, charge something. Was there an element to like, was there an element to like, seeing what your dad got into? Were you like, nice? Or was it like, did that add to the eroticism?

This is first generation porn. So it was like all bouffants on the birds. Like they were 70s, 80s, 80s. Did he have deep throat? Do you have deep throat? No, it was, it was just horny, wild choking and shit. It was like, as far as they got it, wasn't this his first generation? No, deep throat was 70s.

Yeah. Yeah, that was the first generation to get like, hit on the porn. Like, yeah, that was like a, my dad still holds it down, like, shits for perverts, bro. I don't look at that. Oh, come on. It's respectable. But he's got it.

You found out your boy got into porn in the 70s. You'd be like, the fuck, what the fuck you doing? Look, I doubt that, dude. I don't know why you think, I don't know why you think dudes are horny now. Because my dad is like, dude, that shit's fucking weird. Your dad's, was it politics? Your dad's a, your dad's a McCusker. He's like, no, I don't do any of that shit.

And it's like, are you sure you weren't addicted to tranny porn? He's like, no. Nah, porn's bullshit. I'm on a no fab. It's like, weren't you the one addicted to porn? No, that was a different time, dude. That was a different time. Then he's like, you know who really likes porn?

There's this weird guy. He would tell me a story about a weird guy. He went to, there was a dude who repaired his lawnmowers. I've talked about this before. There's a dude who repaired his lawnmowers and he went to his house, he has lawnmower fixed and he was like, hold up, I got to sell all this porn to this guy. And it was a dude from my grade school.

It was a girl dad. From my grade school was trying to buy the porn. It was like, can I watch it in your house before I buy it? And the dude was like, what the fuck? No. Yeah. And my dad was like, holy shit, I know that guy. And then told everybody at my school.

Told all the other dads. And they all, I watched them all laugh at him one time in an eighth grade dance. Oh my God. You know, that guy's a fucking sexual pervert. He's probably gay because he was trying to jerk off in this dude's basement and fix my lawnmowers. Oh my God, dude.

He got run out of town. No, they all just laughed. And then he was like, whatever. Did he wear it well? Oh, not at all. I don't think they told him at all. Oh, he was like a nerd. I thought you were saying like they were at an eighth grade dance.

They all laughed. I remember like, dad, what are you laughing at? He's like, nothing. Go back and they're all like, he was a nerd girl dad. So he like was his daughter was a second generation nerd with all due respect, was a second generation nerd. It had the lineage was pure. Yeah.

He was a full like weird tippy toe walk nerd. Oh, no. He raised a very quiet and polite nerd, nerd stress. And they're dead. The typical walk, I think, actually is genuinely a sign of autism or religion. I think it is. I think it's like when if kids are walking, like if they walk,

it just means you're gay. Expert panel. It's either you're retarded or gay. We're not sure, but it's either you're retarded or gay. Or is just a remnant of a nerd has to be on the tippy toes for a while. They have to be on the balls of their feet. Ready to fucking dodge.

Shit, the guys are hanging out. You're fucking quiet. Hey, what the fuck's up with you? Sleuth. Yeah. There was a good there was a good pervert debunking my my lady's hometown as a small town. And there was a prostitution sting and it caught like 30 dudes.

Damn. It caught the whole town. Like everybody's dad is like mug shots in the paper. Oh, man. And they steal your car, too. Back in the day, they would put the things out and we also confidence they like confiscate your Toyota. Yeah, they would just shame you caught with a hooker.

They take your car. They take your wheels and then put like put you in the paper. You're just like explain your kids. Like I can't drive to soccer practice. I was getting sucked. I was trying to get sucked. Why don't they just go right for the pimp? Why?

Because you keep the money going. No, but you want to get that you got to cut the head of the snake off. They don't want to do it. It's just it's a money thing. No, they're going to like hush money that opens up to imagine your local township, the guy who has a law practice gets busted. It's bro, 200 G skis. You'll be out of the article.

We're going to fucking crush all these other dudes. Yeah, all these dudes are done. Yeah. Dude, cops love hookers. I'll come out on the record and say cops love hookers. Yeah, it's good business. You're behind. I mean, they they fuck them.

They catch them and then they get to bang them and they're like, all right, you can go. Yeah, they fuck them. Oh, you think? Yes. Yeah, I saw it in that movie, Monster. Yeah, exactly. Is that what you saw?

Yeah, exactly. And I think what was that other documentary like the 87th or something? There was like that thing about like the Brooklyn police guys in the 70s. You became like wildly corrupt. Oh, yeah, yeah. It was this what yeah, it was the 87 or 78th precinct or something. What a squad, though. They're good for them, bro.

The whole unit just wild in the fuck out. It's a whole other life, dude. There's a whole other alternate alternate life path I could have taken up. What, being a dirty cop, dirty cop or a white collar criminal? If I stuck with my could have been a dirty cop, I'll give you that. I don't think you could be a white collar criminal. How so? And I'll take this.

I'll take this amiably. How do you think in order to be a white collar criminal, you actually have to be a good businessman? Yeah, no, fair enough. I couldn't do it. I'm not saying I'm not criticizing you. I'm talking like some insider trading. Yeah, but I think you have to you have to know what a good trade was.

I just know you get the scoop. You go to the company, you go to, like, say, I think insider trading is, like, remarkably easy. I did it. I did it in high school. We did a stock market simulation. I went to the other class. It was before us found out how it was going to break. And I was inside of trading and I got someone told on me

because I couldn't keep it to myself as it worked out. There you go. I started. I told him. I couldn't keep my mouth shut for two periods. Dude, I had a brag. I was like, I was like, what the fuck? And I was like, dude, I just went to the dude and they were like,

and the kid fucking told on me. Oh, yeah. He tiptoed over to the teacher. But the teacher, what a fucking dork. Beast of a teacher applauded me being like, I'm so glad you did that because that happens in real life. No, he goes, what an awesome. How awesome like that occurred within my class. He's like, all right, everybody, there are pieces of shit in society.

We were lucky enough that Matthew here exposed himself. That is that is he praised me. He goes, that was all right. He's like, nice. But you're right, I'll give you that white color. I mean, although you're too magnanimous. Here's the thing. Here's what I will say. White color.

I would have been a grease man. Every white color job I had, I would sell like perks and fucking, you know, I would go like find my boss's weed in different cities. I would have been a mid level grease man. OK, so you're like, yeah, you're you're like red and Shawshank redemption. I think so. Who's red is Morgan Freeman. Morgan Freeman. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, you guys know how to get things.

Yeah, definitely. Definitely. Wait, the cool black guy. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah, I would like sell. I would walk around his office and sell Adderall. And like my boss is respecting me greatly because of it. Really? Hell yeah.

I would bring weed. Bring I guess you are helping the company get work done. For sure. I'd bring weed into the one dude. And I like I'd be like, dude, it's totally some bags. I had halls. There was one halls bag. That did reduce the smell of weed. So I brought it into the office and left it on this dude's desk.

And he's like, dude, my fucking cubicle rinks. I'm like, my bad, dude, bugging out. Yeah, I assured him I'm like, it's a totally smell proof bag. It wasn't at all. It wasn't at all. It was fucking just to fuck it. But just get it out. Go home then. My bad.

He's fucking stupid. Sorry about that. Put it in your car. I changed his fucking background the one time, dude. Do a little girl crying. How do you handle it? No, no, sorry. It was a little boy. Excuse me. It was a little boy crying in his underwear.

He handled it very poorly. I would not like that. Fucking the boss came in. I was like, dude, it's a joke. The guys like to fuck around here. That was not a welcome office prank. Yeah. Dude, a little boy crying in your underwear on your back.

I was fucking buried down. I would have freaked out. Dude, I had this old dude that works next to me that would lose his fucking mind. Because you know, whatever the button combo is, I forget what it is. You can just invert the screen, turn his screen upside down.

And he had no idea how to change it. And he would literally get in and be like, slam the keys. Be like, where is he? Where is he? Like every day. Oh, my God. Fuck. Yeah, putting an older person's phone in Chinese is a sick move.

It's over. It's over. It's a meltdown. I would melt down. I would spaz. I should have shared that one meme about Hunter Biden. Fuck. Speaking of the devil, dude, what's going on with Hunter?

What's going on with your boy, Hunter? Yeah, dude. Remember the Russian hoax? And now Hunter buys it. What's up with your boy? You don't seem to look into that stuff, dude. I've not been looking into it. Is the word pedophile, you mean anything to you?

He's fucking kids. Apparently, that's what I hear. That was the old story, too, right? You're going to say, that's old hat? That old thing? The moment I learned Hunter Biden's name, he was associated with fucking kids and crack. Meth.

Meth and crack. Yeah. Having sex with that. Those are the only things I know about him. He's a bad hombre. He's a bad hombre. Yeah, he's a bad hombre. There's a whole scandal, too, about having sex with a,

what's he doing now? When your brother died. Wasn't he on the board of, what's it called? There's a company in Ukraine. He was on the board and he was just funneling money. I didn't hear about that. Yeah. I thought he was selling art to various oligarchs and stuff.

He was doing all types of wild stuff. Millions and millions. Yeah, art is definitely money. God, that must be sick. All of our people do meth and be that stratum of society. I feel like I got this big art deal on meth. Well, he was a fucking moron. They were just using it.

True, yeah. He was out doing crack and they were like, nice. Yeah, true. We own Biden now. We have his dumb son. That must be tight, though. I cried for myself, I almost said it. That'd be cool to have that work of mine to be like,

we can burn the Biden legacy on this one deal. Like, nice. Yeah. And what was the deal? I don't know. Just fucking. Yeah, I forget exactly what it was. I don't think you're allowed to say.

Some people say it has to do with the biolabs in Ukraine. But it's like, I don't fucking know. I don't know. That's a hot topic right now. That's another one you're not allowed to talk about. That's where I got off. Chris, that's where I got off. I went through the Ukraine-Russia lifecycle

where I started looking into it, got really mad, realized I didn't know enough about any of it, and stopped looking at it. And then the biolabs thing came out, and I was like, I'm going back to just watching crap. They're coming out now. Anyone who comes, I think they were saying on the view of fucking acclaimed conversationalists that were like,

I'm just saying people used to get locked up for that. They used to come and take people to jail. That's treasonous. Yeah. So they're saying, if you now say biolabs, you're basically a Russian asset. Biolabs. You should be apprehended by the authority.

What was going on? They're saying there's biolabs in Ukraine. Yeah, I just saw one tweet of virology. Stuff like that. Stuff like that. A bunch of them. That's literally where I just checked out. I saw some tweet that was like, they're launching birds

or something into Russia. That was the plan. Ten birds into Russia? Yeah, like infected birds or something. And I was like, you know what? Whose tweet was that? I don't know. Kid Rockson.

Kid Rock. I was just like, you know what? I can't spend another minute looking at this. Yeah, I try not to. Yeah. I try not to. Although I did watch the BBC this morning. Did you?

What'd they say? About 12 minutes. Nothing. They're just as bad as everybody. Yeah, man. It is funny, though, that it's a possibility that this whole nonsense of the COVID stuff did start from the Wuhan Institute of Virology.

And there doesn't seem to be a big push into it. China is still saying they have zero COVID cases, I think. Yeah, Anthony Fauci's retired, because it's not real. True. They're telling the truth. Yeah, good. I only just read Tim's tweets. Good point.

That's kind of my news. I watched Sager and Crystal Ball for, I watched six minutes of their videos. He retweeted this New York Times tweet. This is an article. Experts say a new generation of less destructive nuclear arms may make the prospect of a nuclear strike less unthinkable than it once was.

Thanks, New York Times. Wait, less? What was it? The New York Times is basically saying the new nukes are a little smaller. Micro nukes? They're pretty cool. Nice.

Yeah, they do that. That I picked up in the little time that I spent. Oh, micro nukes? Getting furious about that. We'll get a scare of nukes for another four years. There's local nukes that you can launch. What? They're like, yeah, they're tiny nukes.

You can deploy just in the battlefield or something. Damn, soon we'll be able to uber nukes. I think it's against the Geneva Convention. Yeah. Tiny little guy. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I'm not scared, dude. I'm not scared of nuclear warfare at all, I'll be honest.

You know what, so just like, if it happens, I will have played no role in creating it or something. That's what you think. That's what you think. I'll just be, that'll just happen. You think your hands will clean your blood? There's no amount of me looking into Twitter that's gonna help one side or the other settle

whether we get nuked or not. Once your guy got no power, you really stopped digging into things, didn't you? No, I stopped digging into things. You were digging into that Russian hoax pretty hard. We get nuked, it's all our faults. What? It's all our faults.

I don't think so. Oh yeah. Yeah, it's everybody's fault. Oh yeah. The fact that you know nukes are out there and you're not actively petitioning to denuclearize the world. Yeah.

It's your blood on your hands. I, yeah, I don't know. Or all of our hands. It sounds like, well, that goes the other way. They're like, you need the nukes. That's why everything's been so peaceful for so long. Cause nobody, everyone can nuke each other. It's like, all right, I guess we just...

Yeah, it's the first time every world leader can die during a war. It's only been like 50, 50 years. It's pretty good. That's pretty good, man. Compared to the last. I guess so. Yeah, it is.

True, but what I'm saying is. It's incredibly good. If one of those gets fired off, well, we would have worked constantly though. Not really. Not the scale of it. There's no way they could launch. I mean, there's no way.

The whole world would end in second. I think Putin's full of shit about launching a nuke. Yeah, I think, I mean, yeah, I think it would be... What's the play? If he nukes Ukraine, what's the play? By the time, first of all, we would know before he started launching them that they were launching them.

That's what I thought. And then we would launch them. Nice. And then everyone would, like it would be... You think everyone would launch them out of retaliation? I think Europe would be like, we're not doing this. Yeah, they might fire them off though. Where would he fire one?

If you fired one at the US or at Europe, they would launch them for sure. Yeah, they'd be devastated. I don't know, you're right though. Europe might just take it. Oh man. I was just talking to someone that was like, I don't know if Biden would do it.

Like retaliate with a nuke. It's not what he meant, it's a choice. And also, what do you think? Yeah, at that point, if they get the fuck out of the way, they're like, shut the fuck, get out of the way. Yeah. Get out of the way, you fucking hate it. Military would just completely take over.

Yeah. The supplies would become very different. I could see Biden being enough for a bitch. We'd all be in the military, not by choice. I could imagine him being enough for a bitch to not launch one of them. What's nice is though, is if it was Russia. But the whole country would be like, annihilate them.

I think if it was Russia, wouldn't it be the West Coast? They get it? Yeah, I think so. Well, the thing is, they're all in subs. So it's like, we're not launching nukes from here. They're gonna do a little nuke set, like a sub. That's all the nuclear, China has nuclear subs, Russia has a couple, we have tons.

We would surface up in the thing and like, what do they do? No, no, they launch it from the underwater. Out of the water company? Out of the water company? I think there are the Ohio class submarines. Each one of them has like 24 Trident 2 nukes. And each one of those Trident's has like 20 warheads in it. And like, half of those are duds.

Like you can't stop them. They'll launch a warhead. That warhead will separate into like tons of warheads. Oh, you can't like, yeah. You don't know which one's real or not. You get one of those subs would annihilate a country. You think like the whole country? Yeah.

Whoa. Jesus Christ. And those, those are all over the place. You're like, that's it. Chris, I don't think you know shit. I think you know whole country. When it comes to boats. I know.

I don't think you know shit. I promise you. That one, one submarine could destroy the United States. I mean, well, not the entire United States, but like major cities. You hit a bunch of major cities. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, dude, that would be like,

and those, those China has those, and we don't know where they are. They're off the water. You know, they're off the West coast. I dare China to shoot a nuke, dude. They better not. I'll go over there myself personally. Yeah, Mazvedal got charged with felony battery.

Really? Of course it's red pill, dude. He really lost the war. Deast. Lost the fight and got a felony after it. That's a real bummer. Mazvedal. Who did he hit?

Colby Covington. He found him at a restaurant in Miami. Beat his ass. Colby fucking had his location on when he was like talking shit. Dumbass. Something like that. I think that was it.

I'm not sure how he found him. Did he beat up Colby Covington there or not? They got in a fight at the restaurant. There's no tape of it yet. It's can't come out. Damn. Wow. Mazvedal's a red pill too.

He's a red pill. He's so red pill. Yeah, it's because he's from Cuba, dude. He dealt with the communists. He hates the fucking... I thought he's Peruvian. Nah, he's Cuban. He's Cuban.

Yeah, Miami. Nice. By way of Cuba. So what would you do if we got nuked? Say like, Oregon got nuked. I don't know. What? What do you mean by a plan?

What would I personally do? I'd go, fuck. We should nuked them back. Would you enlist? What? Would you enlist? Yeah, but I'd go. I'd want to like fly helicopter or something.

Really? I was watching, I was listening to like... I was listening to... You wouldn't fucking enlist. Zero chance you would enlist. Now, if enough momentum got going. First of all, you'd get there, they'd go, no. Yeah, yeah, of course, of course.

It's two old ones. I think the minimum age to enlist is like 35 or something. Nah, that'd be, dude, they would wipe that. If we got... No, there's a nuke, yeah, there's... The old dog. No, I'd get in there. But I'd get into a thing that took like,

it would take like a lot of training. You know, they'd have to train me for five years before I could like get into the fight. Yeah, I was briefly in boot camp, and that is how it works. They go, what do you want to do? And it's up to you. You go, I want to fly helicopters, and they go, great.

They'd be like, you're color blind. Yeah. You can't do that. Yeah. That would tell me I want to be a kamikaze public. I want to fucking die. They actually might be like, we are interested in what you have to say.

If you're like, I'd like to just blow them up by myself. I would like to go to destabilized countries with propaganda. That'd be pretty tight. Yeah, you could do that. What type of... You'd have like propaganda posters that are like, Russia's actually gay.

Oh, for sure. Just spread rumors. Just start spreading rumors. Putin kissed a guy that one time. Putin sucked a horse. Putin sucked a horse. Yeah, dude. He's spreading that...

That would work in Russia. That would be... That would fire them up in Russia. Like good Soviet style propaganda posters of like a horse getting just deep through them. No, it'd be all memes, right? It's like the new front of the battlefield would be like, can we make the best...

Yeah, the Russians were the best right wing. All the right wing comedy was Russia. Yeah. I remember that. Dude, having Putin have to come out in every episode I come up with. I did not blow a horse. Oh, I mean, fully once.

What are you talking about? Fully every single time. You damaged your traffic of democracy. You spread about flying helicopters. You spread about submarines. You did spread fake news. And I hit with... You spread fake news.

Six-year-old. You spread fake news and you won't admit you spread fake news. Dude, our democracy, you damaged our democracy, the fabric of our democracy. God, dude, I'm just trying to... Admit you spread fake news. When did I spread fake news?

The Russian hoax. What do you think happened with the Russian hoax? Don't do that. You try to do that every time. Well, because I actually know and you don't. I want to know what you think. I thought it's been debunked. You tell me.

It has not been debunked. You're the one who's been obsessed with it. Tell us. What was it called? That's different. What was that? That was the thing that like... You tell me.

They used basically law. You fucking bitch, man. No, no, no. To be like, I've been the one spouting off about it. I've been the one doing this. I know people are like, I don't know if that's true. And you're like, well, then you tell me about it. Because what happens is I get trapped.

Debunked pizza gate. Debunked pizza gate. I get trapped. Then it must be real. I get trapped saying... Just instead of trying to be funny on a podcast, I start reciting facts about the Russia investigation. It's fun.

And then it's like, I look like a fucking asshole. Well, that's fun. And then you just lob grenades at me the whole time. It's a fucking nightmare. I don't want to talk about this. It's like, you fucking say that boring Tristan... No, give me a shot. You know it.

Democracy dies. Yeah. If you grain falls, democracy as we know it will die. Yeah. What is that fucking Chinese crap? What the fuck is that? What is that? I got some green tea.

No, that's nice. That's Japanese. Oka. Japanese is a strong ally. Yeah. So it was Hawaii. My Wakanda water? My Wakanda.

Well, Chris, you spaz. It's kind of all I wanted. What, an hour and six? Nice. I've been looking at my telephone. Oh, shit. Yeah, sorry. Fuck.

Sorry, everybody. I'm so busy trying to save this country. We're trying to save it from the Russian hoax. Let me see. I got him. Good. We got an nasty advertising coming up soon. Talk about Lucy, what you like about it.

How do you use it? Favorite flavors. I love that green raspberry. I like mango. Woo, mango is nice. Mango is good. In fact, I was even able to lower the nicotine dosage because I was getting like fucking heart murmurs.

It's time to fucking chill. So you're hitting the Lucy stuff hard now? Yeah, it's good. Nice. What do they have? They have lozenges? They do have lozenges, Chris. Much more.

Gone lozenges and the pouch. I'm a pouch guy myself. Also, it's great for an aero planes. I used to dip on planes. Back when I was, you know what was nice? I would dip, I would sit coach. So shoulder to shoulder with somebody and dip the whole flight.

And I'll tell you what, people get a real kick out of that. They like that. I'd wear gym shorts and I would dip. And then order as many drinks as I could. Jesus Christ. Yeah, that was a menace. And then just, dude, that reminds me. I know we're doing a Lucy read, but dude,

I was cranking farts on this flight. Oh, yeah. On the flight out to Denver. Now on the way out, I was hit with just the first one I hit. I was like, oh, like I could smell it myself. But I was in one of those pods. It was like one of the first class planes that has like a bed, which shit rules.

You stunk your own pod. I stunk my pod so bad. And one of the times as I farted, a storter came in and was like, stunk her head in the pod. And I was like, yo, she must have just got crushed. She was like, unzipped it? Dude, stinging up first class is the best. I stink up first class.

And it makes me very happy. Because also, this is what I wear. I'm wearing a fucking sweatsuit. I have a shitty mustache and fat. Everyone's like, there's no way there's guys sitting in first class. That's class war. There's blue bloods that probably never smell

in a fart like that. That they're kind of like, what the fuck? Is there been an adult man drinking Bud Light and eating Kraft macaroni and cheese for a month? What are these farts? It must be like, my God, what is that? Check out the full line of products at lucy.co. Use promo code drenched at checkout.

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Yeah, those, those. They didn't give you like a mat and chains. Drenched. Drenched. That's our thing. That's our thing. It's a funny joke Matt had about, there's no law against being soaking wet

and going into establishments. This episode of Mat and Chain Secret Podcast is brought to you by Draft King Sportsbook. Get in on the biggest college basketball tournament of the year. Drenched is great. Get in with Draft King Sportsbook. Chris, who you got in the tournament? Chris, we're doing a fucking ad, dude.

We were talking about going to Fogo Day Chow as a group. Everyone just soaked in water. Just running around all day, soaking wet and bothering the rest of us. Who you got? Who do you have in the tourney? Who's left? Who do you have?

St. Peter's. Zaga, maybe. Can zag it. You're picked for a Gonzaga. The Zogs. The Zogs, the Wild Zogs. I like Zogs. Anyway, new customers.

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Had a share of over $250,000 in prizes. Every time I see a gambling commercial now, I know it's coming for me. Yeah, they work. I like gambling and I know that AIM won the first two games they played in the tournament. One of which was a play and I was like, nice, I'm going to bet on the Irish.

This is fun. And then I had them, Notre Dame was getting five and a half points. They were up one with like two minutes left. I was like, perfect. I went on stage, did a show. I was like, nice, easy win. Got off.

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Yeah. That was a dream too, I had. Really? Yeah. He had a dream. I had to go into class and I left class and swam and walked back in soaking wet and the teacher was like, what are you doing?

I was like, what? Can I not be wet? There's no balls against this. I can be wet if I want to be wet. And then we decided there has to be an actual like, there has to be a limit to how wet you can be. You can be a little wet.

You can be damp and go with no problem. You got it right. Technically, can't they get you for making a mess? It's not a crime. You're soaked. I mean, a restaurant can do whatever it wants. That's the thing, they could do whatever it wants. You could be like, the fuck, dude?

Are you serious? You guys are kicking me out? Right. I fucking fell into a puddle and I'm hungry. Right, yeah. Yeah. I need to eat and I'm gonna make a change. What the fuck?

I'm hungry. I'm starving. Yeah. You could also slowly drench yourself. You could come in with like wet hair. Man, I got caught in the rain and like hit your sleeve. That would be amazing. Just go to the bathroom.

Just keep getting waters. Just keep getting waters at the table and being like, spilling accidently, spilling it. Go to the bathroom fucking. You could fake a disease and splash quite a bit. True, yeah. Just splash everywhere. Just glass of wine all over yourself.

Yeah, I'm so sorry. If you do a multi-colored dredge with like wine fucking sauce. Pick up the pitcher. They're like, sir, please don't. It's like, don't look. I need to be able to do this. This is important for my recovery.

Yeah, be a farmer. Oh my God. Yeah, you can get drenched. We gotta do that. We can do it. Look, if you guys donate a bunch of money to us, we'll do it. Just go in somewhere wet.

I'll pass it out. Go to a restaurant just for the fuck of it and see. Just see, just film the reaction. I think you could get away with it. Just being soaking wet and foggy to trial? Yeah, with like your shoes squashing. I wanna be exactly. I'd like to go to like a Knicks game like that.

Like go to like a stadium. Yeah, then you get in a fight. If you're soaking wet? Yeah, somebody would be like, man, disrespectful motherfucker. No, but you're decked out in Knicks stuff. You're just soaking wet. If you're soaking wet, a black guy at the Knicks game.

A black guy's gonna be mad at you. A black guy's gonna be mad at you. They might think it's kinda hot though. The drip. Yeah, if you were soaking, it might be like, damn, that guy's fly as hell. If you were super wet, they'd be like, oh, fucking, well. I can tell you right now, I can tell you a black dude

would be mad at you. He'd say you're being indignant. He'd say, sir, I'm drenched. I'm not indignant. That's indignant. Honestly, that's a good question to see like who tolerates being drenched the most. Yeah.

I bet Mexicans have no, they don't bat an eye. Just a perfectly sunny day afternoon game just be like, it's gonna get caught in the rain. Got drenched, got drenched, drenched, that would transfer me. A truck splashed, I was in the underpass, if I got sucked. Yeah, you couldn't say you were coaching the Little League team and you won the big game. That's a good point.

They dumped Gatorade on you and now you're here. Yeah, I didn't have time to change. That's a good point. We'll find out. Well, guys, we're gonna switch over to the Patreon. Chris, thanks for joining us. Yeah, I drank this whole fucking thing. Thanks for having me.

Take a tinkle. Goodbye.