Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 390 - Spider-Man Jump

Episode Date: April 6, 2022

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Wuts gud broz. Classic cast, just the D.A.W.G.Z. and a bit early. How great is our god. We had a beautiful audience member sit in and watch the whole ep. Spider-Man jump 4 ever. Please enjoy. Support the show by going to sheathunderwear.com and use promo code DRENCHED to get 20% off your first order. Support the show and get 3 months free by visiting https://ExpressVPN.com/Drenched  

Hello, we're live. New York Post is they have the juiciest articles ever Are they juicing on whenever I scan articles for like four seconds before we do the podcast New York Joe's is New York Post has the juiciest scoop dude They they're the ones who they had a video of a dude getting killed by a shark like two weeks ago They really yeah, it was nuts this their one story is about a lady first of all she cancels her dream wedding They mentioned it was her dream wedding like multiple times three months out before a wedding she went through her Her fiancee's secret folder on his computer porn folder, and it was all porn and then pictures of like her friends and sisters and cousins

That's face-matching. He was doing NSA. I know bros use I know bros used to NSA FAP Yeah, where they'd pull up a Facebook and then pull up a girl who looked like her and just go back and forth He was an NSA and his fiancee called him called off her dream wedding dude I mean that is the that is the the best moment important is when you're scrolling through and you're like holy shit It looks exactly like that girl Immediately Yeah, yeah, it's funny about the New York Post is it it kind of Leans, right? I think so. Yeah, I don't look into it. I think it leads right so like right-wing people are like

It's the oldest newspaper in America They try to make it credible and then you get on the New York Post It's like some dude getting hit by a train in the subway like see you later asshole. That's like the fucking headline Yeah, it's the juiciest I have to I'm this thing's burning a hole in my pocket a pretty lady This isn't a sponsor yet, but they did send us a nice sample. Are they courting us? They're courting us with a nice sample What is it? Would you like me to do they?

They wanted us to have this Let me get that I'm gonna hang this up in my apartment my girlfriend's so happy Yardine garden respect. That's art, bro. This is art where they chip that down from the Sistine Chapel This thing's fucking a sheet sheet of metal. Is that the original life? You can put this in your oven and cook on it I don't think that's true, but where did they send you that thick bay in the mail? I I Don't know and honestly it caused some problems at first because I didn't open this my girlfriend did it was like who's that? She's like I was like who the fuck sent that and she's like, I don't know who sent this and who is that and I was like I've never seen that

They rule that's the only option It's an online company that only sends like tasteful thick babes thick babes that rainy would like on Twitter Dude I saw a I saw a Exceedingly I saw an exceedingly thick queen way up here. Just it made me. I don't know why this made me so happy I'm walking up and a lady came out. I'd say emerged from a Basement-level apartment. Oh, that's emerging. Just came she breached she breached came up for air Yeah, she came she came out from it and it's kind of leaned up against the thing

She must have been like 411 and just very voluptuous. She leaned on Yeah, like a little yeah, she like a black fence like a little like I'm leaning dude Like a wrought iron gate. She came up and just leaned on it dude Yeah, and all of her splendor and it's got some light in there and I was like dude There's just part of me that just went like just a funnel. It's a funnel spider dragging you back down that Basement apartment is laying there. Oh my god. Oh the sweet treats. Yeah, that's a turnip. That's a fucking root, dude That's a root vegetable. Just in the soil fat Underground fat incubating becoming fatter dude thicker more soft. No one can make a man happier

No one can make a man happier. What the magic at like that, dude You're not paying you're gonna fly in the web you get snatched and brought down by the fat lady. Oh my god Yeah, be pretty nice just for like three weeks. I'll be honest. That'd be very very nice actually no as soon as you nut You have to I would be very mad. I'd be like it smells in here. What are you doing? Because they're chilling that's the ultimate chill. Yeah, that lady was chilling. Oh, she was chilling hard as hell I was downstairs chilling. That's what I saw and I was like man. What a relaxed What a relaxed pace of life. Yeah, that was nice. I was did you listen to earthquake at all on rogan? Mm-hmm. It was funny because rogan's like I got to do something gotta work out every day

I feel like shit and it looks like I Couldn't be happier doing nothing. I love to do nothing. I'm happy with myself. Really. I was watching like damn, dude I want to get there earthquake. I need to ascend to that sick I'm just like chilling and being like nice. I did it. I would do. Yeah, that would be awesome Isn't earthquake not even that fat? No, he's not that fat. Did he used to be huge? I thought so you would imagine with a name like earthquake. I thought he was like Bruce Bruce level. Yeah, so did I I Agree, I think the thing is it's like people got him confused with Bruce Bruce a lot and Bruce Bruce is huge Yeah, earthquake. It's just kind of like he's like a big dude. He's just like tall

Like 250 at the most He's nice It's a generous way to describe a guy who's tall in 250. Yeah, that's thoughtful Yeah, I thought he was enormous. I thought he was like the fattest of the fat. Yeah Quick I thought he was guys. I was like, he's got to be dead right his name's earthquake Yeah, and I heard about him in the ninth year, you know early. Yeah, yeah two thousand Yeah, dude, that's a are we boring you dude What are you doing?

Lean back. They don't be scared lean back. I'm not gonna fall. He's fall. You're not gonna fall I was looking up earthquakes dimensions Mike start off. No, it's not he turned it back on I think Dude, you might have to take him out back. No, you haven't been around for a while First of all, you're a history major Yo, God knows a little bully You're a bully. No, you know, I missed you know, I'm you know, you came at him. You came at him on cam, dude He's changed. Oh, yeah, no, you don't you don't know the new guard dog. Oh, he's crazy. He's a superstar He's the king of New York comedy

Now you're the king of New York County used to be the king Coney dude That's metal you just tribute this thing and hose it off Might bring that into my air mattress tonight. I think it could don't you have like a painting of like a lady with an afro Yeah, but she's not that voluptuous. No, I mean, this is clearly just smart I am gonna bring now. I'm gonna bring that bring he has a lot of women in her house And I'm gonna add one more see how she feels I had to add a white queen, dude Oh, you put a snow bunny on the wall. I might be a Puerto Rican queen. Yeah, she borekwa. I don't know dude

It's pretty the way I have to tell these days with the honkeys desperately trying to look like a POC Desperately trying to look like a pirate of the Caribbean I'll tell you what dude, I got we didn't even talk about the basketball game yet. I know So we'll see because tonight we're gonna go do Legion of skanks. Yes, I Pray it goes well. I so do I I want the best some guys are acting like salty babies Yeah, dude, and I feel like I'm allowed to say that based on the way Jason treated me on the bonfire. He went on there and said some nasty. He made some good points, dude I was like, dude, I don't trust

But he's just not one of those guys I trust at all anymore. What the fuck are you talking about? What the fuck happened? I was crazy. That was crazy. I hope we can just Bring light to the situation going back there today because that will I'm afraid dude You you especially like I was talking with Billion Spud this weekend If you get in there and he starts coming at us, which I think he might it's possible You're a dickhead. I can't you're gonna hit him with like dude. Just keep it up. Dude keep working Matt's got brother level shit talk So like if dudes are talking like this Matt can easily

He can spin out a dork. Tell me you can open for you in Austin if he wants to No, that's That's O.L. That's super star status. That's true. Yeah, dude. Of course. He goes there. He's like, yeah, you can open for me We're talking basketball, we're talking sports. Yeah, this is like regular guy stuff come back down to earth The conversation that I tease you see the bottom. What do you mean? You're doing it do what he's gonna do Let me see the bottom of your hands. I could have swear they're coated in the gold of Hollywood stars You got a star they heard about your They heard about your Friday night showcase with O'Connor and said the kid

They're like, we got to give you a star on the walk of fame I No, like dirt coming here is that little note. No one fucking whoop your ass This is what I want to enact. This is what I want to enact We need to get a buds level training program for anyone. Oh, of course. Now that we're just about physically this podcast is a Physical phenomena, of course. You see me deadlifting today crazy. Yo, I had to do I had to carry a medicine ball today 180 what scoop it put it on your thighs and you got to carry it. There's a 180 Yeah, this thing sucked. Where'd he get that from? I don't know. It's for weirdos to carry around

But you had to do it like an atlas don't like you got to pick it up put it on your thighs and then hug it You carried and have to carry it you carry. It's so hard. You're Sisyphus as soon as you pick it shut up, dude Just leave the job turn the mic off for a little Turn the mic off for a little and then and then The big New York the New York showrunner your show runner now He's gonna snap tonight J. Oh if we're doing this sweet guard dog That's another thing. It's funny to go in there being like, you know, I hope it goes well It's like dude. We're gonna go in there instantly instantly be the meanest. This could be a friendship ending podcast

That's what I'm worried about. No, I'm gonna genuinely try to make him see his Just the shift in worldview that needs to occur You can't you can't you can't do this. This is crazy You can't play you can't You can't play to do basketball and react that way no not a lot of play you get banned from the game You have you might have to resign dude from the Academy of two on two basketball. Yeah, I mean, he's got to be done It's crazy. Don't just don't pride yourself. All we can do is say this is what I'm thinking We say hey go ahead and keep the money if you think the bet was unfair

Just keep it and force him to go. No, no, I made the bet you we look I'll pay it. It's fine It's like, okay, you agree again. This is the third time you've shaken on this fucking bet you psycho. Oh my god Now I hope he uh, I hope he finds peace in the situation He's he has to find the humor it eventually. No funny. It is. No funny. That's I know him. He's gonna be like, yeah It's funny. I guess yeah, he's like no, I see it. I understand why it's funny. It's just like It's just not cool It'll be like that

Now he has to be like, no, it's genuinely funny and I'm having a laugh. It's a funny thing It's funny That ain't gonna happen brother I brother we're going into the lions then dude But the funny part is you know Lewis and Dave are gonna agree with us. Yeah, like they're like this is weird They're gonna be like this is weird that you're this upset on a bet you made Yeah, somehow that that point's been lost a thousand times somehow. He doesn't Piece that together. He levied the challenge and then I think the bet

I think you made the wager, but he was he levied the challenge as like we'll do it blah blah blah And you're like don't do that. Don't do that. Yes, definitely. Yeah So the bet was made for sure Lewis was the one who made the bet true It goes two on two. Yeah, I was like, are you serious? You're right. You're right a thousand bucks and Jay goes Oh, absolutely perfect deal. Yes. I remember that They were dabbing dude hitting the dabs dude. That was that was a brain on drugs. There's stoner dabs Fucking stoner dad's it was costing their careers They're dabbed up. They're melting away. That was the dabs, dude

We might need to make a weed commercial like remember that one with the one the friends just stuck That's how I feel on lesionist ganks now. This used to be so fun, dude Now it's just too flat Stanley's sitting there. I knew I'd be a nasty Oh Well, it sucks it's truly it sucked. Yeah, cuz I don't want to fucking battle Jay. He's the man. I love Jay He's a man. He just dude just being a sissy about the fucking They gotta hang the LOS Jersey from the rafters But also also I gotta say watching the edit of the video I stink

We all stuck I know but I had no idea I knew my jumper was bad. I've never seen it Oh, I had no idea my shot was a full Hitler salute every time It's fucking crazy. It's not even close. You're a big man. It's literally It's wild you're a big So embarrassing this you're a big man, dude I get it your post plan. There's some of the post moves looked nice. They're nice The best when I got slapped in the face Yeah, Jay blocked my shot. He blocked me the one time. I mean, yeah, I think he blocked mine once. Yeah

That happens. He's just staying still. There's gonna be a hustle war I mean the hustle ward is going out tonight. I was going to actually Lewis for sure Lewis did hustle I've Lewis tried he did that's gonna be a man. I get that's how you got to get him You want to get them against each other immediately be like Lewis tried? Yeah, he's never gonna be able to deny that he tried and Jay didn't that's all you got to say and they'll both pass a lot of fighting on me I started talking about like the fight in the dog. It's all about it was sports at the end of the day. It's all about Yes, it'll be interesting We'll simmer we'll simmer by the patreon. We'll be like

Tired take a nice little nap before LOS. I'm just gonna watch hard as hell. I'm gonna play WWF 2k Can't stop dude. I'm a wrestling guy now. Yeah, I'm officially WrestleMania So LeMair came down. Oh Didn't even talk about did we did I even talk about the race the big race? No, so I so I was gonna go to Williams Grove this weekend Oh shit, I invited our pals down. I got an Airbnb. I invited our pals down Where was the be in Harris? The Airbnb was in Mechanicsburg. It's right down the street from my parents I've never been there before some old Airbnb or some old bed and breakfast. Yeah from it was built in 1790 It's pretty sick. Yeah, as soon as we get in there billion spotter like this place is haunted

It actually is it's terrifying. Yeah but So I scheduled a show in Harrisburg on Thursday To pay for the trip nice. So it was nice. It was paid for did the shows Thursday Which did suck because it was all family and friends Blows doing stand-up for your family and your mom is excited She brings her friends. No, I'm up there talking about fucking my girlfriend getting fucked by other people and stuff. Yeah Did you ever do you ever think about ending one of those with like thanks suckers and like running away?

Yeah, I've done that every time. Yeah, the first show I didn't there's in Harrisburg was right before SNL And I was like look this place never booked me to headline. This will be the last time I ever play this place You fucking losers. I'm about to be on Saturday. I love suck my fucking dick The next week I got cancelled So then like a year ago, we went back and did I think you did it with me Yeah, yeah, I remember the first one was with blizz and Beezer. Yes, and you and me Yeah, that was when the Amber Alert went off. Yep during blizz. Yeah, the second time it came back I was like look, I know last time I said I'd never be back here. I'll back. All right

And then yeah every time it's like look this sucks I'm just trying to get you guys money. See you later. I get to come down here and do my little talent skits Funny joke show. Oh That's your walk-a-walk. Yeah, dude. That's your funny dude. I got high the night before I ate a weed gummy Yeah, I call I had to call Matt. I had to call Matt. That was so I needed help dude, so So I my girlfriend has these weed gummies that she bought in Denver. Yeah, I ate one in Denver nothing Really, I must have eaten from a different container or something

Dude, you gotta really mix that shit up a lot of it didn't fuck with me at all In fact, I forgot I took it. I flew home. She was like were you fucked up? I was like, oh, yeah I ate that weekend. I know not at all. Oh Then I was like all that that was actually kind of nice. I didn't even really feel it was like relaxing Yeah, I think I was relaxed. Yeah, so I munched this one I got get in the shower 20 minutes later however long I get in the shower We have this new rug that has like black like Crumb, I don't even know if not crumbs, but like it's weird

It's like a rug placeholder the thing you put underneath. Yeah, it's got these black specks Okay, so the rug was off and I was walking on it So I'd black specks all over my shoe at the bottom of my feet again in the shower And they just sprayed everywhere and I was like What are these fleas? I started reaching ass naked in the shower for like 15 minutes trying to try to grab them But they would move because of the water your fear of pestilence is so I'm so I'm so afraid of it I got bed bugs dude. It fucked me. I know I had it before anyway in Mount Vernon. You're I was so afraid of bugs

Oh, it's so funny Oh, it makes sense. I'm afraid of being poisoned. I don't know why I was so I was reaching for these things grabbing them I was like hold them up to any time you think it's a bug and you hold it up to a light No matter what it is. You're like that is a bug Fuck where these bugs come from. Do I have crabs? What the fuck is this? Oh my god, and then finally I realized I was like, holy shit. I'm high as fuck Oh, fuck. I was like, oh, no, you're like and these bugs and I got bugs on me And I'm so high. I

Had to like stop like to think of being ass naked bent over in a shower for like five minutes trying to be like What night was this? What night of the week was this again? Wednesday Wednesday night. It was a nice Wednesday night Also, it was funny is I was like, okay, cool. I'm not gonna drink Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday. Good nice little four-day So I eat this weed on Wednesday. I was like the only way I can get it ejected out of this is wine Yeah, I need to get drunk. Yeah, otherwise. This is hell dude. I Sat down it was the night the United States played coast I get out the shower. I'm like I'm high as fuck. This is this sucks I'll put 200 bucks on team USA to beat Costa Rica Nothing I did it right before so I was like, all right, at least I can enjoy this soccer game

I sit down to watch the soccer game The only thing I can think of is because it was at Costa Rica. Literally. I sat there just like I How much it would fucking blow to be Costa Rican? That's all I was thinking was just like your country stinks. I Mean, yeah, it's beautiful. Whatever. I've never been there, but you go out the city is just a dump Yeah, like this building shit. Just doesn't work. Yeah, the whole country. You just it just sucks Yeah, nobody relies on tourism because they want to yeah, you know what I mean? It's never a thing like oh, yeah, well, just yeah, maybe it's not that bad, but when I was high I was thinking of like this just sucks

Like it's probably hot. I mean, I'm sure you get used to a lot of things, but like yeah, I know it's like living at the Bahamas It's like oh, yeah, it's like really sad. Yeah, it's like a cast system Yeah, it's always saying and then I was like I kind of understand cheering for them against us It's like this team that they're in Costa Rica Stadium. They're like, let's go. We need to win this fucking USA He's there like whatever. We're all millionaires now Anyway, so I really stared at the TV feeling bad for Costa Rica Didn't watch the game. I looked at the television for 20 minutes I checked the time when I realized all I was doing was thinking about Costa Rica and not watching the game

I checked the clock on the game. It was at like the 25th minute I hadn't I didn't even know what color The jerseys were you spent an episode of friends being like sitting there going Wormhole, oh, it was bad. Oh my god. I heard this story of a lady who got killed by an elephant From where? From my girlfriend's town Where'd you hear the story? She told me. Oh god, man, and it was killing me because this lady loved elephants Yeah, she loved elephants. She's from the middle of the country in America. She loves elephants

She's a rich lady. So she started a foundation To save elephants. Yeah, so she goes to Africa and gets fucking crushed by an elephant Yeah in her tent at night and It was just like And ground her up into the ground with his tusks and then I was laughing because Her she loved elephants and then her dying thought was it had to have been fuck elephants Oh, yeah, and that was making me laugh. I was like, what a fucked up I would have been in denial. She's like, this is a rhinoceros. This is a rhinoceros

An elephant would never do this She's like, oh, come in and grab a peanut from her tent. She's like No Turns out you guys suck Yeah, so that was that was Killing me. Oh god, when did she break the news? She like just like what? Yeah, all of a sudden dude, she was hit me the fucked up stories. Oh, yeah, a lot of them, dude She took you to the other room. She kept saying shit. I was like, that's kind of sad

I kept being like, is that funny? That's funny It's actually sad and then I'd be like, but that's kind of I guess what humor is when you think about it I hate we I hate it. I hate it I was like at one point. I was like I like smoked myself into being a communist because of how shitty Costa Rica was Yeah, I was like fuck America dude give Costa Rica some stuff I was like, what am I a communist? I This was a nightmare. I hate it. I hate it. I was fucking nothing dude. I'm Tony when you they fucked up those that batch

Dude when you make this used to happen to me when I would make gummies. Yeah, I tried some years Yeah, you mix it up mix it up You can do your best but a lot of times if you're using like an oil base a lot of them use coconut oil And dude you mix it with water and that oil sometimes it gets a pocket you get one gummy That's just a hot shot. I got a couple. I got the dud. I got the dud first And then this one was but then again for me like 20 milligrams is like I'm dead Yeah, I can't do it dude. I there's a huge difference if you get an alcohol tincture That's it's the chillest ever because it comes on in like 20 minutes. You don't forget. You're not always on doing something

You're just like This is it's just like dude. I'm sitting there like dude. She'd tell me a story and I'd be like That's sad, right? That's fucked up, right? But then I was high enough to be like I'm a communist And I was like, you know what's nice about weed you get to experience what it's like to think like other people So when you're sober you can empathize with them better. Yeah, I called you and told you that. Yeah, I was like, that's so gay I was laughing so fucking hard I needed matt dude. I called matt. I was like, dude Hopefully I was off service

You were laughing about Oh, dude, we could joke about it. That was the funniest fucking so I was like, I can't stop I'm a high and I can't stop thinking about nick bryant lying about all that Like all I could think about was how fucking funny it is if he has no evidence Now, obviously I believe I genuinely I believe I do believe him for the record. I believe I was just high And I was thinking about how funny it would be if he was on there like by the way Yeah, clearance thomas is a known pedophile He's just out here making shit up

I was laughing on the layup of him when he talked about getting pulled over with that dude Oh, it's so fun of him just having been like going for the gold and then being like, all right, dude Here's the story like three years later just sticking to it being like I can't take He was trying to yeah He was trying to get evidence of the compromising pictures. Yeah, which is the funniest way to get caught Searching for child porn and be like officers. You're just in time. I almost cracked the case fellas Like pulling him aside and be like, I'm with you guys. I'm trying to catch these motherfuckers Yeah, dude, I just hacked I just hacked zuckerberg's cloud dude. This is all his child porn

Fucking mark zuckerberg's the one doing this fellas. It's like, all right, buddy. You come with us. Get your hands off me. What do you guys see? No disrespect to him. No, that didn't make me laugh He's the man that did make me laugh very hard to think of that being an elaborate ruse just to see the prince the eight by 11 Dude buried in the mountains Something's like the gold if the real story. Yeah, something was like the sound of you Let's go out west and find the trove Out there the troopers get him Dude, here's the deal. Yeah, I think he started his research years before that but

No, I believe it's a funny gag to think about a dude getting caught with tons of child porn being like I'm the tip of the spear. I'm gonna catch these motherfuckers. Like what? You're the guy Nuh-uh, it's so fucking nuts. Yeah, so that was a driving home with that, dude I've rode dirty before I've never rode that dirty I rode a little dirty with like some at like a big bag of drugs Yeah, and I was like, oh shit. I forgot about it. And then I got scared Yeah, dude imagine driving around with that bro. I can't federal you're going to forever

And you're not only going to jail you're getting fucked up in jail Dude, I've driven with like two thousand like it in like an ounce of coke And I would do that any day over driving with cp driving with fucking like cp is your government Government blackmail cp. Not even just right. This is like, yeah, here's a picture of a senator fucking a kid Yeah, it's like a picture of like shoot you in the head. Just yeah Just say like you had a picture of like joe biden the president Fucking like really going in figuring a kid or something something whatever. I don't know something Maybe his son under biden clearly with cp on his say you had a picture of like, I don't know robert deniro eating an eight-year-old

I don't fucking know something hypothetical. I don't know dude that you're only looking at and bringing home for research purposes Do you think no, that's fucked up. No, you know how they make like celebrity deep fakes Like they'll see like kim Kardashian. Oh, they don't need a deep fake for that belief. Yes So they have like a deep fake of like mila kounas. Do you think they have like No, because then it's child porn even with the deep Still But do you think they're like, oh fuck you think this is real they can fabricate See, I can do whatever they want. That's real fucking cia. I got I was looking at porn the other day the cia made me look at

I was fucking pissed. They got you. Oh, yeah That was you know, they made you the cia made you look at teaporn for they got me in sci-op research That was a military grade sci-op crazy, dude That was doing deep research. You did some research. I I should I think I have you're gonna bring those motherfuckers down I've been on listed youtube video from like I've on listed youtube video That's like a guys in case they ever check my history. Just know I've been doing deep research. This is all fake Yeah, that's a good idea. We should all do that. We should first of all, we should just

Nix this whole segment and all well everyone needs to see this but everyone delete this in like 50 years Yeah, we can all come out and be like None of us were watching porn because they're all gonna see our it's it's they're gonna see our internet history I'm gonna stand by a lot of it. So why boy? So actually, you know what once a week I'm gonna there's gonna be something I would totally disavow There's hundreds of instances of just something that I would I fully regret. Well, I think here's the thing though I think it'll be I think that will be when all sexual taboo will drop because everyone's gonna be able to go into everyone else's porn history

And just be like who cares they should let dudes that whack off the weird stuff read to kids at libraries You know, they might let in the the drags They let the drags be like True, this is perfectly normal They should let dudes who whack off to like gang bang porn be like hey Let's read this book about guys who love gang bang porn. That's not bad Some of us like to stand in that line, dude So it was like the pool our dicks next other guy long naked line

Who someone sent me a video on instagram of like Like nine dudes in a line in the hood And like what y'all doing here? What y'all doing like we're in line, bro And it was just all them running train on a chick like behind some fucking Side of a house poor lady Yeah, I mean just getting paid cha-ching Cha-ching she checked out she refreshed her patreon tab and was like oh Oh five

Five dude subscribers. That's the car wash, dude, but did they pay? But did they pay she got after you run and train on someone you can very easily go Gotcha True it is strengthen numbers, but yeah, dude. There was a thing I discovered when I when I was uh Among the laborers when I had a I was in the laborer union. What's going on? What do you need guard guardian? You gotta start wearing all black stage crew. Yeah, look at me Yeah, I was asking note it. Could you please hand me my water? Wow, dude, I didn't want to what's up with that cup. Is that mold?

I don't know. I think there's no his pint glass. It's cool design. Okay. Sorry. No, I don't You know, I didn't mean to slay you before and you know That's really weighing on you big shot You're a superstar you're you're a great you're a great You're a great sweet kid, but there's a dark lust for power. Yeah We've seen this before I've seen this before one day. You'll turn on me. Oh, I've never turned on you guys If the prophecy range true, you might have to shadow the prophecy

Wait, what the prophecy? I can't tell you the prophecy. We'll affect the prophecy. I promise you that maybe you're the good one Perhaps, but I think yeah, we already had Anakin You could be Luke Dude, you're talking about the economics of getting head Yeah, dude, I was when I was working in the labor union these dudes would be like, yeah We hit the strip club and they would get like their dick stock for 20 bucks I'd always be like what and they're like, yeah, dude, that's how much it costs to get your dick sucked and I was like

What? Like, yeah, bro, you don't sorry, bro. You don't get privy to fucking hood prices. I was like, dude, that's fucking bullshit I remember being black dudes paying 20 bucks. They were like hit the strip club and like 20 bucks What and they were like they had a thing because like 20 bucks. I get like half of cherry pie on a lap Head, there's like hood strip clubs. You get like two minutes Dude, there's like hood strip clubs you go to you you go back out to the car Oh, okay, and like dude, we're just going to different clubs. It's club. We're going to different ones. Yeah, it was a club

They're going to the $20 bj ones. I mean, I'm going to the beautiful vixens one show and show until I go to the beautiful This is what I deal with she sticks her then she sticks her butt in my face and I go While getting a lap dance they try to you know when they do that like stand They're pushing your face. You're like, yeah, don't do that. I don't want that They have a fucking they have like a band-aid. I do that's what I want to do I just the fucking get lap dance the whole time. It's got close your eyes and hold your nose I'll just go It starts sneezing

Yeah, I just want to I want to have the the n95 and just bury it a chick's ass. It's like, yeah That's actually pretty nice. See what see what's on the outside when I smell that all day me like Just smell that all you're walking around all day just fucking Oh Dude, we're having drop. We're having fucking n95 drama at the daycare Yeah, they took a vote to see like who wants because they weren't letting you go in to like pick your kid up You had a weight outside masked up or like outside in the vestibule

It took a vote and like 87 percent of the parents were like, yeah, like let's Relax all this stuff and like let us in the building And it's it's just fucking nuts, dude. They're doing it now. We're Wait, who's wearing the kids have to wear an n95 not n90. They have to wear a mask. They're okay. It's it's like Two years enough, but they don't even they can take it off They're letting three year old They're making three year olds wear a mask to two two year old as soon as you're two That's the magic number

But they get breaks like we give them the fuck are they keeping these masks on these kids They don't and they even say we give them breaks too. It's like what the fuck's the point in doing that? Like we let them take it off and stuff. It's like, okay Who's running this place dude? Who knows dude? Who's doing this? There's people they they get it's a daycare Who you got to you got to find the head? I know I've talked about just like who's the one who made this choice We've talked. We did they ever tell you who's the Decider so they they go back and forth. They say we're following the health department

But then they also said but we also get we get to choose what policies will influence they give you a little razzle dazzle So it's tough to nail them down But dude, they're saying so now they're like there's been an exposure in the two-year-old class So either you're quarantined for five days or your kid can come in But the school has to test them nasal swab every day for five days a two-year-old doesn't understand what's happening They're getting a thing jammed like would you get it? You know, you know, you know feels it's fucking on You go in and they jam your kid Right up the nose for five days in a row. It's like the kid's gonna terrify the fucking kid

Like well, that's why they give the option. It's like you guys shouldn't even be thinking about jamming those little guys, dude Yeah, so let them all right. Let them stay home fair enough or just ask the parents Yeah, if you give an option, how about a third option? But yeah, do you guys give a fucking parents like no 87 percent of parents probably like Yeah, I don't want the kid here. You send them there. I don't care if they get covid They're gonna get sick. They're going to a preschool. They're sick every fucking they're gonna get horrific They throw up with the crazy diseases every day, dude. I threw up for a month She would just at night time wake up and just go

She would wake up and go my belly It is go Me and her are on the exact same schedule, dude every night. I'm just like I don't feel good again Dude, it was for like a month and you take him to the doctor and the doctor's like, yeah, I fucking they're just kids Yeah, their nose is run for like six months. It's just oh, yeah, it's just a pure not constantly non-stop, dude I went over to visit my sister's kids this weekend Yeah, all of them snot nose, dude non-stop But the best is the the young boy thinks that he's spider-man now sick

Oh, they all do every jumps off the couch and goes He holds his leg It's uh, dude, dude. I just went to sky zone. It's nothing but young spider-mans, dude They're all spider-man now you see a kid jump and as soon as they flip the wrist, you're like, oh, shit here it comes They fucking Because there's those like walls they like you can like climb the walls apparently it's off limits. I was Let me see that. Oh, shit. That's perfect, dude Oh

Fuck dude Damn There's nothing better one more. Let me see that Damn These things Oh, it's so funny though because he wouldn't do it. Oh, he wouldn't do it And then his sister came up and did it once and he immediately it's like fuck that Dude a spider-man landing is better than it's so funny the need a knuckle land the need a knuckle is classic

But a spider-man landing way more flair. Yeah, way and it's the best is just having a room full of adults go That was awesome and the kid gets up like Yeah, I know I am spider-man. Yeah. Well, I actually turns out I am spider-man. So pretty sure I got bit by a spider This is it. So you're gonna take someone so they're like, you know, they're as old as they are Which like almost seven I guess they think they're spider-man. That's their understanding of the world You're gonna take someone who's 10% of that understanding and be like, come here. Come here. Ha Jam their nose and they're just like, where the fuck am I? Where are my parents?

Why is this happening? But don't worry. There's only four more days. Oh, that's green goblin. You're in the green goblin's layer You have to use your spideys can be fired up, bro. It's gonna be fired up That actually might be the new onstage move instead of that just just Someone heckles me Jump off the stool. You gotta jump into the crowd. I fucking You said yeah, just sit on the stool like that It's nothing but that at playgrounds. You see every little kid jumping off anything and just landing like

It's about so far. I wish we had that. We didn't have that No, not really. We didn't have cool poses when you jumped down. No, we did. It was yeah, we didn't have anything, dude No, we did. I mean, I had spider-man, but not like that. I used to jump on the land I didn't even know to like bend my knees. I would like jump off of the shed and just fucking land like perfectly straight-legged and like We did have jackass though at a decent age. Obviously we weren't toddlers, but Jackass hit at the right time. We were able to jump off sheds into bushes. I mean, did you play x-men? We'd play x-men We did play x-men. We had we did have this, dude. We had Let's go

How nice was that? Be like, you're making me angry To like your dad He's like, shut up. Get in the car You're not gonna like this pops My friend kept trying to make me Cyclops who had pissed me off so bad. I'm like, that's wrong though. That's wrong though. Cyclops was cool Yeah, I wanted to be Cyclops. I wanted to be Cyclops too and I'm actually ashamed of it because I've heard you guys say Cyclops was gay So I kept it quiet I love Cyclops. Yeah, well your boy calls Wolverines like your Cyclops. Wolverine was too much, dude

That's claiming too much. It's true. I knew even at a young age Like I'm not gonna ever be the guy who thinks he's Wolverine. That guy is arrogant. That's fair. Cyclops is just a nice. He's like, what's the problem over there? See ya. I wanted the glasses That's another good one on stage If they did fully, you know, I'm I am transforming fully autism. What is going on? I fucking La Mer tricked me into liking La Mer was pumped that it was WrestleMania. So hungover I laid on the couch watching WrestleMania highlights with him And I was like, fuck wrestling is the coolest shit in the world. I forgot How was it? I forgot

I got the new wrestling video game last week. True. Perfect time for Mania being indoctrinated. I'm getting indoctrinated It's well first off it It's funny to watch. Yeah, it's fun to watch. It's so funny to watch the crowd like when the pin doesn't happen be like How do you kick out of this again, dude? And like a guy that comes out and it's like, hey, just so you know, Texas sucks and then the stone cold comes out It's like he's getting a whooping for what he said. Oh my god. It's so cold came out It is nice glass broke. I was watching it like he came out recently Yeah last night two nights in a row saturday and sunday. What do you matter every time every time 2003

When you hear the glass break that inner dude, it's in there still I just revert it back to 73. Yeah, I was kind of like I stopped watching cuz stone cold was done He's back smart move on there. He'll be he'll be done. Yeah, I think that was it I wish them like indian billionaire would buy the wwb Just make them all dance and stuff the other I mean they basically it's not far off really the whole point of the like It's like a 20 minute intro every time somebody coming out dancing. They all have their own phrases and move. They're all They all do spider-man's basically and then

The matches are hilarious Unless they're good. Sometimes they're really like good. Yeah, did you ever get into the reality shows of wwe? No, that's like right when I that's when I like tuned out the diva show is sick, dude Because they're like if you when you watch them, they're like I've trained my whole life for this Yeah Once they got into like because I feel like when we were kids it was obviously you think it's real. Yeah, but like they never They never Acted like it wasn't real

Now they're actually like actively like oh, he's a good wrestler. He's good at selling it like they're like There's kind of like a thing where like I don't know when we were young. It was like dude dx hates black people. This is awesome. Let's go dx beating the shit out of these black dudes. They're doing blackface Yeah, there's been a vatican too type thing on the wwe He certainly has people were like well actually maybe it is just but it we can get it's like no no, it's real It's real. It's still real to me. Damn it. Take it easy, buddy. We can just admire their performance like what performance What are you talking about performance? That is the good guy. Yes, that is dx. He stopped the bad guy. That is xpac

I saw him at the airport. That's him, bro I did see him. He was there. He was there He was there Did you ever break the walls that we are not break it down? I meant break it down. They used to break it down Fucking I was getting I fucking I made my lady watch WrestleMania with me. Did you really she enjoyed it? She had fun really laughed it was fun to watch But triple h was in the ring and she was like why is he famous? I was like he invented the socket Yeah

Anytime you see someone go he did that that was him bro. What an innovation in society imagine that Do you think he ever like actually got head while doing that is being like? Probably I might start keep my hands like yeah, I don't know why I'm saying start I might keep my hands like that when I get head next time I'm gonna start when I get head all the time. You're gonna start going like this. Just just keep just fucking Just going like pushing down the base a little That feels good. First of all, if you like rub your tummy while getting head if you like whatever that is here You push down on that you get yourself to crumb. Here's fucking really these legs

Dude, if you got a crumb tighten your thighs and you just like pull everything up. It's crazy You're like, dude, I want to I'm gonna don't look at me through the fucking mic stand talking about rubbing your belly Dude, if you want to come you squeeze your thighs as hard as you can And then you just go like this You get it right. I wish I had that. I wish I had you can squeeze your thighs. I can squeeze my thighs I'm saying I wish I had your belief in myself like to be like, oh nice. I figured it out Like the placebo effect on most of your shit. No way is real. I mean it is for sure for sure I believe you come faster if you flex your legs and go

Dude, it's an instant cake when you squeeze your thighs, you can't help but squeeze your kegels I might just be like using way too many muscles and squeeze my kegels True if you squeeze squeeze your thighs your kegels get engaged It works, dude, I believe you I'll try it. It's the up and down you're going yin upwards and yank You're forcing everything to your penis and balls all the blood's going right where it needs to go As soon as we're done, dude, I'm gonna go upstairs and say I'm gonna try an experiment. You might give me you might give me a head for a half hour straight Because that's how long it takes. I know that's what I'm saying. It takes fucking forever, dude

Um, we and you are in the same camp of like beginning head is almost too much. It's like Do we have sex? Yeah It takes so long that you just start feeling like I just instantly feel bad for the girl Yeah, just instantly like this is gonna take too long and then the second you think that it's over Dong starts to I get a thing. Yes. I get a thing where it goes Oh my god, this is gonna be a quick one for here. We go and then it goes away and then I go The hell happens. That was the worst and then the whole time. I'm like Are you okay, but yeah, it feels great

Now I'm yeah, also dude, I'll get ahead. I'll be dead silent Nice, I don't make it. I'm not like, oh, yeah It's really I can't do that. I can't moan. I can't make noises. I literally get head for an hour of just I'll just look at the ceiling Like no, no, no, it's gonna it's gonna. No, I like this. I swear. I like this It is This is the cycle. This is the cycle. I've done it before. I'm like, this is the cycle. This is winter. Yeah Something's coming. Something good's coming right around the corner

There's gonna be a crumb dude of big harvest The crops have withered the crops are fucking withered right now, but don't worry, babe Yeah, there is that's like the ultimate harvest that you don't want at all the crumb. Yeah Yeah, it's coming. Yeah, man, it's uh And then like I'll do a thing where I'm like, I've held it in so long I'm like, it's gonna be instant and then it just it's too sensitive and you're like, yo, whoa Hey, now hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Try to bury your butt into the couch. You're like, let me get out of here Trying to tunnel that

Yeah, wrestling's uh wrestling's gay. Oh, yeah, we need ads. Yeah, we gotta do some ads Hold on. Hold on. Here we go Matt and Shane's podcast is brought to you by sheath underwear. Oh, tell the folks at home about sheath Let me tell you guys about sheath. I'm wearing some right now same and they do feel good All right, they're gonna keep your balls off your leg Yep, unless you're fat Then your balls are pretty much always against your legs True that

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You know I did a large and I my my waist I should be a smear to him So pay attention because it the reason I'm saying this if your Penis gets sucked back in through the hole. It's disheartening. Oh, you're so you sit down in the car I got a double x man. I'm trying to fill that thing out. Yeah, dude You should try to fill out the double x's with a tennis dude It's off you sit back down and when I get when a turtle goes back in the shell on you get Oh, yeah, anytime you sit down the turtles back out of the sheath when you're dangling when you are dangling It feels very good. Yes feels good. You feel I go for a nice walk with the penis in the sheath

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All right, we did it very good. You want to do the other one or do you want to roll and then do that? I mean, what the hell it might as well do it. We're on a roll, dude Yeah, yeah, this one's express VPN. That's you know us. We look at you know us We look at plenty of shit online. Oh, yeah, that we don't want other people to know about Not the bad stuff, but legal stuff. Yep. What do you like to look at? Honestly, dude, I don't want people to know. I mean just porn in general. I would say I would say porn in general Yeah, I mean, dude, most porn now about it. Most. Yeah, exactly. What the fuck is this? What are these guys doing collecting our data? What the hell?

I will say if you're on pornhub I feel like at best a lot of people are like at least looking at incest Incest is like top of the fucking pack in pornhub. Yeah, I'm not talking. I hope that doesn't I'm not talking about stepsisters Because that's chill as hell stepsisters chill. There's like Oh mom and son my mom mom and son my sister that ticks me off. It's not real. So it'd be real if I lived in your house It'd be real. Let me tell you that Hold on. I'm doing an ad read Most of you are probably thinking why don't you just use incognito mode?

That's because incognito mode does not hide your activity and clearing your browsing history doesn't erase it. All right What it doesn't your internet service provider. It's gonna be my great moment when I go Yeah, I know that moment chill Your internet service provider can still see every single website you've ever visited. I know storm front Get rid of it You just were doing investigative stuff. Do you want to see what it was? Fuck that's why even when I'm at home. I never go online without using express vpn. Yep

Oh man, and if you want to go on silk road and like sell molly True. Well, that I don't know if they're endorsing it seems like they have to be indoors I mean, what else are they it's a useful tool if you go if you're going to do that Obviously vpn express vpns doesn't support that but I'm saying if you're going to do that you're gonna do cool shit Yeah, use a vpn. You're gonna want to use express vpn if you want to sell your nft on the blockchain Yeah, I love the fucking dude. It's blockchain technology. Oh dude for sure Uh express vpn reroutes your internet connection through their secure servers So your isp can't can't see the sites you visit. Yeah, it makes you look like you're in like 10 different

I like that you're gonna actually love this shit. I'm gonna use it for sure. Yeah, you're gonna love being like Uh, you can't see my isp for sure. Just be like the rock is a big Also, I take back everything I saw I said about the rock I've trashed the rock a lot. Yeah, I watched his fucking wrestle highlights the other day. I was like fuck dude Who have I become dude? I used to love the rock. You were a rock. I I loved mankind. I hated the rock But I still loved sure sure. I was excited. I was against them. But yeah, you're electrified when he comes out If you smell when you heard that you're just like, holy shit. This night keeps getting better. Yeah, sure for sure I'll give you that

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That's what's up. Visit our exclusive link Express vpn.com slash drenched and you can get an extra three months free on a one-year package That's exp re ss vpn.com slash drenched It's time to protect express vpn.com slash drenched to learn more Nice, you got a vpn going dude. If you need a fucking I don't think I really look at stuff, but I'll tell you what if somebody ever found how many times I've searched my own name That would be catastrophic I mean, you know how fucking dumb that is

And just to search your name and to be like, what are they saying about me? It's like stop looking at it True that is true. You can you can disregard the internet, but it is tough. It's tough on people or I was actually It's rare, but I was actually hung over enough to be like, I don't even want to look at it It was good Yeah, dude, there'll be days where I forget about it. I don't actively think about but like there was there was a couple days where I was like I'm hung over I don't even want I'm not even curious. Yeah, it's a it's a weird just bad It's a weird tab to have open in your head in terms of like the internet

I'll get caught up in it and be like, how do they like this thing? How do you start? My kid will be like pulling my leg and I'm like, good to see if they like the new pink Stop get off Yeah, I catch myself and I have to go. Okay. Yeah, this yeah, you're fucking psycho You gotta chill. That's what I do. I just dude. I meant searching my name on website Everyone's done it. Everyone's done it before the fuck Everyone's done it, dude. No, it's doing it now cut it out. You checking yourself out Hell yeah, no, that's a good worker

Fuck you doing sitting around grabbing dicks Pulling a pud to this vixen. Yeah, just keep looking at her. What do you think of that vixen? What would you do that? I can't stop looking at She's gorgeous. I like the fat. I like that too. I like this fat belly. That's my favorite part I do I mean, I have that that actually is from there down. That's the gun not far off. Let me tell you I think she's beautiful, dude. They're doing speakable things You would do on speakable things And I have a wife. I just admire her beauty and be like, hey, you know, well, I'm single. I'm a bachelor. That's what I would do

I would go I ripped those open a bunch of g thing You know, yeah, yeah, yeah, dude, and then this I would with my teeth I know you just got out of the water and your pussy stinks, but I'm going in Wouldn't it be at its best out of the seawater? Perhaps it's an instant balance Oh, it's beef jerky. That's kweef jerky, dude That is salted kweef

Yeah, dude, that's spicy spicy hot kweef That's good stuff beautiful picture. What so what is this service by the way? This is well, I don't know. Let's not get into the service. This is just a free sample If if they decide to sponsor us or if we decide to allow them Can I get a folder of that like a trapper? I'll get you a couple of things for I'm gonna give my kid like my mouse pad if I have a son. I'm gonna get a I'm gonna get them like sexy trapper keepers True everybody else is coming in with the horses and lasers and unicorns are gonna be like I feel like the white trash kids did tend to have shit like that on them. Really?

Yeah, there's always like white trash kids that had like a playboy like Fucking air freshener. Oh, yeah. Yeah car freshener. They stole from their dad like That's pretty tight. Yeah, I feel like the poor kids always had porn And how you play in cars on naked playing cards. It was like, whoa, fuck Whoa, yeah Yeah, there was a guy who had his car parked right by my bus stop that always had naked lady air fresheners. What every day I was on the way to the bus stop just In his car window, he must have seen it sometimes and been like

I'd be so happy If I had porn in my car and little kids kept like the boys on the way the bus stop were peeping it I'd be like the fellas And then I'd go Yeah You like that You guys you boys like that stuff. Yeah, there was a I told I've thought about this before there was a place in the farmers market Near me that was selling children porn like

My whole childhood this guy that was his living. He sold children porn and like oh, oh, oh, yeah I was like Still crazy the guy had a store where he would sell children like fireworks knives and porn You could roll up in there. It was just like that's fucking incredible. It fucking ruled. It was the fucking plug Yeah, that guy's actually cool as shit. I mean the fence in red dead Yeah, it was yeah, yeah, it was the plug dude. That's incredible though. I can't believe he never got in trouble He yeah, I'm sure yeah I'm sure the dad's kind of understood they're like dude stop

But I get it. That's cool as shit what you're doing. That's fun in al-Qaeda, dude Yes, you're giving the boys that was arms dealer dude. That was they were they fell into the wrong hands He was selling us like m80s. We were just like throwing them in the woods. It was dangerous You're selling kids explosive. You're selling kids dynamite. Yeah This being like sweet My dad did my dad might have found out he'd have been like fucking creep. Yeah for sure creep That was his big thing calling people creeps. He's a fucking creep a good move. It's a sick move I still suffer from

his He does impersonations of anyone who disagrees with him and I still do Fucking Brittany gets so mad at me. Which one is it because I'll be like and then you were like I'll start doing you got your dad's crazy. Yeah, I'll do the craziest impersonation of her and she's like I do not sound I'm like you're you're getting hung up on the wrong part. Yeah Yeah, I wasn't being mean. Yeah, and then you were like She gets so mad Yeah, of course, whenever anybody does that to you. I know it's the most

Infuriate like whenever I whenever I fight chris like I'll hit him with like Like the high and he'll be like I'm like, dang that's actually a pretty good one, dude You get me you get me fuck two people argue and it'd be like So funny Yeah, that's he hit me with that a couple times. I was like, all right. All right. There you go chris. That's a good one, dude You got me Dude, yeah

I got I got bay fired up the other day. I shouldn't I like I read an article and I was going She's gonna get really pissed. I shouldn't read this and I was like, let me find out what she thinks about it. It was basically there was a Some health lady from like new york the new health minister or whatever Came out and was like she started talking about calling white ladies birthing people She meant to call everyone birthing people. This was her mistake. She was like, yeah well, there's like she was saying that there's a big discrepancy between the deaths of white birthing people and Pirates of the Caribbean birthings. Yeah, Pirates of the Caribbean. He was his birthing people. He was his birthing people

But she called them mothers. She called she called the Pirates of the Caribbean mothers. She's called uh, mothers and then white birthing people. Yeah, that's a good one. It was a misite and then of course But then they started having this deep debate about like Like well, yeah, I mean that we're trying to get inclusivity like dude We're talking about ladies dying in childbirth. Yeah, and you're you're shoe horning that into there So just call them my moms To be like we're having birthing people die in child. It's like dude. Why are you complicating this issue? Yeah, just in case Some trans ladies watching this are like, what the fuck?

Why aren't they including me? Dude, it was that's why they're not saying women Birth exactly because being a woman doesn't necessarily entail that you can give birth Exactly. It's birthing people. You might have a dong birthing people, dude I do like the idea. It should be like birthing people chicks with dicks I like gender. I like the idea of gender not conforming. Just get it. We're gonna start getting the bad at we're talking about on the way Up just getting badass gender not conforming. We're like, you know, okay. Yeah, I'm gender not conforming. But like, yeah I think you should carry an idea to

They're gonna start we're gonna start getting that we have trans badasses CJ salute CJ. There's that other one CJ salute salute the ultimate that's the ultimate dude. There's another one too. She's a lesbian dude Chills with jones and stuff. Who there's a trans the chills with alex jones. I forget her name I remember now blair white. She did rogues classic heterosexual. I forget her name. Oh, yeah She's quite beautiful for a woman with the penis. Oh, I'm not gonna give it to her that happens Billy sent me a video today. I got tricked by one. What do you send you a trick? Really sent me a trap

Yeah, it was a beautiful lady rubbing her boobs and then she stands up with a doll I mean, obviously, I should have known it was coming. Billy doesn't just send you beautiful He's not trying to celebrate beauty. He's not trying to celebrate beauty. He's trying to trap me It's such a funny thing to do. It's just trap your friend be like, yeah I can't believe you're gay Dude, I'm telling you back in the day that was like You would hear those stories spill that spitter again with the lid on

I believe you but you did have it right there It's okay Yes, it's okay guard dog I feel like if you chew if you chew it should be on you to get like a silver spittoon To carry like a three-footer get what's stopping you Craft one you're a craftsman give Noah the mic dude pay you know what tell them what you've been up to Damn, you hear that? Yeah, here. He's snuck that in. You could be this is what happens, dude Biggie biggie wasn't lying, bro

Just mo money mo problems, dude. These guys. Yeah throw him a chuck him some money, dude Tell him to shut up Throw money at Noah. You should make one. You're a craft you're a craftsman. I'd like to make one He's been he's been taking a class with birthing people Really tell us a tale birthing people. Okay. Well, who else some of the the non-binary collective Are they non birthing though? Yeah, of course. They're non birthing. I'm sure they're I'm sure they're on the tea So there's formerly male identified non binaries in your birthing people They're they're formerly female, but they're on they're on the tea. They can have they can be birthing people

I don't know if you're on the tea. I'd be sick. You're fucking display trick. That's That'd be the best you know, that's a tea the next letter dude That's a fucking business idea. You send your boys like a tasteful oil painting. They're like, oh my god He's so hot you uh-huh let him hang it up in their house wait like Yeah, and I'd be like, yes, yo by the way, bro. Yeah, be like open the back of that picture On the back. It's just her with a dick It's a oh no a chick with a dick Fuck chicks with dicks. That was your centerpiece

Yeah, this is perfect. If you look if you listen to this podcast chances are you are a white trash fucking idiot Yeah, this would go well and you're living hang it right above the tv. I want to do a smoke your bowls What about a magic eye where if you look long enough you see the bulge If you fucking stand I'll be honest I like I like what I'm looking at If you hold your eyes for 60 to like 30 seconds fucking Oh my god, I see the bulge. Holy shit. I like that. They still respected her the fat belly button Oh, yeah, they didn't give her like a regular belly button. They gave her a nice It's a beautiful woman. You know, I mean

A frown dude if you get fat enough your belly button becomes just a frown It's gravity dude. It fucking collapses into a black hole So no you're in class with birthing people Yes, who also identify who also identify the birthing people are Ladies ladies yes, but there are so you if you saw a trans person you could go. Hello non birthing person Yes to a girl but you could have a male to female Yeah, but you could have a trans but you could have a trans though You could have a woman to male trans who's still a birthing person. Yeah, that's sure

Yeah, you could fall in love. She can fall in love with a beautiful. That's happened a couple times He could fall in love with a beautiful trans woman again pregnant. Yeah, I don't see what the fuck's funny about this, dude Yeah, you're laughing I'm totally straight face the fucking you guys It's There's nothing funny about birthing non birthing trans genders The fuck I recently snuck into the trans community Yeah in the last 50 years I became a trans my people are black

Oh man, should we Can't even talk about john stuart john stuart. Yeah He was he was a beast. He's he's still beast. He's still actually but man This is a tough tough watch john. That's just tasteful as hell. What'd you do? He's touching her vagina area, dude What the fuck I thought it was scratching sniff my bear I Am I taking me right now? I'm you're forcing me to take a knee, dude. You're forcing me to take action. I fucking take a knee. Don't make me

If Matt takes the mic, I take an m&m knee. You need to start taking spider-man knees. It's what everyone else is That would have been sick if Pelosi and the gang just one person was Dude, no, it's taking a class what the class is uh, yeah, let me hear the official class What are these four these don't You wear them for fashion. Are they fucking zero zeros? Let me see that. I got I got like pilot's vision. Let me see what the fuck's up That's for looks you look these are for these are hollister don't you dare fucking roll your eyes I have pilot's vision, bro. Are you being don't you dare roll your eyes? I have pilot's vision, dude

This should give me a headache. Yeah, it does nothing Those are you're trying to look smart on stage. You're trying to hide those eyebrows. I see way better right now. Yeah, I think I have eye problems We should start getting spectacles. Now. This is zero, dude. This is Point twos dude at best I should be dizzy right now throwing up, dude Yep That's that's that's that's true, isn't it? It's a bit of a metaphor in your life. Can't see too far down the road You know maybe in real life, but also

Can't see too far down the road. No, no before you attacked us violently about money You were we were talking about you were in a class a girl class. Yeah, big girl class girl class. Yeah, and you're Mike the much a gardenia stone you Mike in the mouth The uh What and you won you won the girl class. I yeah, I I win the girl class every single day Yeah, what is it? What's the class called? It's called introduction to fibers for non art majors. Okay. Yes And you beat them and I beat them every day you beat the girls. Yes at the rogue. I have to yeah Nice because I'm boy. I have to he took

I'm sorry. I took a girl class in college and he's beating the girls It's an arts and crafts class. Maybe you're a birther. No You think he's a birther? I I I leave the harm birthing. I leave the harm brother I You don't have to be the coolest guy in every story. Wait, what happened in this story? What I leave the harm My harm of chick. That's fucked up. That's bullshit. You guys. That's not a safe space. I was hoping dude. I have two dollars Here's two. Yeah, I got two dollars I'm sorry. I'm too birthing too birthing people birthing toddlers future birthing toddlers future birthing toddlers

Yeah, dude, and you're gonna talk about because there's a guy with a bunch of girls. Now it's a harem It's like it is when I'm there dude I can't even do this right now, dude All right, we're running out You ruined it. You ruined the whole fucking thing. We're having a fun podcast I'm glad you beat the birthing girls at their uh, that is that does rule going into girl world and beating them It's pretty cool. It's actually when I show them my projects. You have to beat them. Yeah. I mean, that's what I'm saying I have to

Project show what he made. I mean, I made a self-portrait He made a pinata. He made a big-ass pinata of his head. Basically. It's pretty sick. You made a pinata out of his head obviously You're obviously mexican That thing's awesome. Yeah kind of rules, dude. Damn Show the people. Yeah, show the people bro. Is that your instagram show the people it's on Noah's instagram and no Noah, what's your instagram handle? My instagram is Noah's paint. Noah's paint. Oh, yeah, he sells paintings. Oh, yeah You sell paintings. Yeah, buy his paintings. What are we doing? We don't yeah

Yeah, I'll buy a painting. You should thank you. You got anything like this Could you draw me hot babes? I could draw you hot babes for sure. No, could you draw a picture of me making love to my girlfriend? Yeah Doggy style. Yeah, absolutely just from memory nude, but shirt on for you. Yes fully clothed on me. Okay, except jack Awesome 316 t-shirt. Yes and she's like Yeah, for hair flying. Yeah, do you want to be able to believe what's happening? Yeah, gold helmet. No name helmet. All right. I got you

And her make give her like an anime face like oh for sure the uh, he go face Yeah That's actually a sick painting. Yeah, give her bigger give her huge tits And a tent actually make it somebody else tentacle make it not her Just every month send me a different painting of me fucking this lady and be like, I don't know what these I don't know what these sponsors are doing Just hang them up There's more money behind you in every picture. Just hang them up in my house

Damn think if a girl did that to you I mean it's fun when we do it, but if a girl did that if a girl put up a picture of her getting fucked by someone else a painting I've never punched a hole in a while. I've punched the pic. I would punch the picture I would first of all, I would lease a pt cruiser an italian job my own house I'd be so quick to steal that art Yes, where would you steal it? Where would you take it? I would fence would you replace it with a non-original the exact same Who would you replace it with? I would but I shrink the dick down. Yeah, and then at the end Then when you reveal it to it would be like you stupid bitch. You thought that was an original

I sold the original For 25 dollars. Yeah, I would I would do an art For some reason I would do an art heist and come back in and you know the end of the art movies Were they like murder their partner? I'll just come back in and shoot my partner true my birthing person my partner birthing person I was fucking Yeah, I think if you hung up a picture like that you'd have to execute your birthing partner Dude Guys guys, what the fuck that's the time. What an episode. Oh

Uh question. There's a there's some dude asked a question. I'm gonna address it. I'm not this isn't a purpose of cliffhanger So you'd ask a question. Oh, yeah, that guy emailed a question bro. That shit made me I didn't read it I didn't read it. Y'all y'all give it to you. We're gonna we're gonna We're gonna take a listeners question on the patreon Dude, is this gay? It's called Um, oh I have shows this weekend. Yes, I am going to be at the Palm beach improv thursday friday saturday seventh eighth and ninth of april the 14th 15th and 16th You can find me at good nights in raleigh

The and then i'll be in nashville for a week And then the 28th 29th and 30th. You can find me at helium indianapolis so Get get ready for that and then there's a nice little uk run. So on the Fuck, I don't know what it is. I think it's the sixth. I'm in manchester The eighth of may i'm in leads I don't know check it out Figure it out. You figure it out with shane gillis

Shane m gillis dot com shane m gillis. Yeah, dude, uh, austin 414. That's a big Austin 414 for sure cap city comedy club Uh, timonium maryland mcguby's joe calc 421, dude Day after 420. I think you should probably have a bit of a 420 show anyway on 421 Classic stoners. They missed the first day Whoa, what time is it? Whoa, I thought it was 420 today. I slept in. I guess it's 420 every day Uh, it's 420 somewhere, dude. It is

429 430 rutherford new jersey bananas comedy club. That's gotta be sold out. That's huge. I don't know. I don't know every week We'll see You'd be surprised No, that's the show that'll be people know. That's the best a weekend, dude That's the weekend So yeah, that'll be fun mcguby's joe calc cap city comedy club Austin I also I think will sell out But

It'll be very fun come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come Because I oh, you're doing austin, uh Capsic next week. Yeah. Oh, that'll be sick. Be very fun Dang brother, all right, uncle joe Felix. Hey, you got any big shows coming up superstar. When's the next one? The stand already sold out nice, man Whoa Whoa

Selling out the stand in new york You got to get those sunglasses that have like the slits Yeah Grills you're selling out you sold out the stand in new york That's pretty good, dude. That's really good Dude, yo That's really good. All right. Damn. I don't know how much longer. Sean's gonna be on the show So

We need to stop doing that dude. Don't you dare guys? This is guys. Don't you dare this guy code all hail the queen, dude What's her name? What's her name? Lindsay you think that's a good guess or a bet So you think this is a honky on vacation I think I I think it's a spanish goddess, dude That could be a spanish goddess. I think it's a spanish goddess, bro

But her hair is a little light for a spanish goddess the sun hitting it dude. Look at the top That is a spanish goddess. It could be the shade hitting it At the top. True. True. It looks like I mean, obviously the sun is hitting the name of the picture. It's gotta be a name on the back title Bow wow All right, we gotta stop. Yeah, we're gonna go to the page. We're gonna go to the patreon