Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 416 - 2 Fly To Die

Episode Date: November 2, 2022

Go watch Gilly and Keeves "The Special" @ gillyandkeeves.tv Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Buy Merch & Get Tickets to See Matt @ mssecretpodcast.com Get tickets to see Shane @ shanemgillis.com YO. Wuzgud??? Just the D.A.W.G.Z. on location at the Kahuna's hotel. Classic ep - scoldin' hot cast. We discuss every topic you could possibly imagine. What did you expect? Please enjoy. God Bless. Go Phil's. Go to https://heartandsoil.co/?utm_source=pod&utm_medium=campaign&utm_id=drenched & use code DRENCHED10 for 10% off your first order   Get 25% OFF @ trueclassic with Promo Code DRENCHED at https://trueclassictees.com/DRENCHED #trueclassicpod  

Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Today on... Today on the news. On the news show, we should go full news. We should go full media. Do-da-da-da-da-da-da. I saw a nice sign, speaking of politics, I saw a nice sign here.

It said, vote out the racists. What? Yes, vote November 8th or whenever. The racists. That we need to beat the racists. Really? Fetterman. Fetter person?

Fetterman! Someone calls him Fetter person. Fetter person. Dude, did you see that debate? Yes. I felt bad for the guy. Yes. Oh yeah, that's how we should start the podcast.

What? Hello. Good night. Yes. Did you see his opener? Killer. What'd he do? He was open.

They were like, all right, Mr. Fetterman, opening remarks to you. He was like, Pennsylvania, good night. Oh, fuck. I did that. Yeah, you hit him with a good night. He could have been like a medieval sense. Like, good night to you all.

It is a good night. Good night to you all. Dude, he said a fucking stroke. Yeah. He shouldn't be... He tried to beast the stroke, which I'm kind of like... Again, politics aside, on a personal level, I'm like, kind of goat shit.

Beast of stroke. The beast of stroke. He'd be like, I got this. But dude, I felt bad for the guy. I watched clips of it and it's like, sometimes I fuck up what I'm saying. I get it. For sure.

But he was, dude, I could tell he was hitting on that. It was just like, I know the feeling, brother. Imagine it doing it on a comedy podcast. Do you think that was bad? Imagine you want to get a punchline out and you flub it, dude. You got something you've been sitting on for five seconds. You're like, this is going to hit.

I got to get it. I got to get it. Fuck, too much time's passed. Yep. I'm going to try it anyway. He was trying to hit, he had some six jokes coming up, but there was one about Dr. Oz. He was like, you got an abortion.

You want to get, have Dr. Oz tell you want it? Or you want it to have a doctor to tell you what to do? And he was just like, fuck. Yeah, he was. Forgot Dr. Oz was a fucking doctor. I will say he didn't show any signs of like, fuck, I fucked that up. I saw a couple.

Oh, really? I watched somewhere he went. Like, fuck. Oh, really? I thought he was just like, I'm killed. Oh, no, no. There's a couple of times. He would go, I also think it would be to have a son

and name him Doctor. As his first name. That's nice. Just doctor, first name. Sir. It's like, I am doctor. It's like sick. That is nice.

Let me tell you, I might do that. Doctor? Yeah. I'm like, I have a son. I'm naming him Jesus Socrates, Dr. McCusker. The Phillies have a Jesus Socrates, Dr. McCusker. That's, I mean, this is good. I'm in a homeschool for like fucking 34 years.

Just get high as shit. She blows smoke in his face. Do you see that? Do you see the fucking elves? The Phillies have a picture named Sir Anthony Dominguez. What? He's not a knight. Sir Anthony.

How the fuck do they do this? They spelled it S-E-R. Sir Anthony Dominguez. He deals. He's nice. So his name is Sir. His name is Sir Anthony. Call me Sir. He can say, guys, call me Sir.

May I know Sir? Damn, they built these steadies into him. Yeah. You better show respect. We did it. Yeah. Fuck, I forgot I was wearing purple socks. Everyone's going to make for me.

Why? What the hell is wrong with that? Because I bought a pack of Adidas socks. I didn't know they were all different colors. It's time to mix it up. Purple socks. Yeah, it's time to mix it up, dude. This is, I mean, I'm going gray and black.

It's true. I want people to see me. Shut the lights out, dude. Sometimes I just don't want to be seen. I heard that. Do Latin mess. Just do full fucking. And another thing about John Federer person.

What are you looking at? Checking the shot. The shot's great. Yo, I'm sorry for taking a PA at you outside. I couldn't resist, dude. You dissed my whip. Bro. I don't know if I'm going to get a fat whip.

It was the right thing to do. Your whip stinks, bro. You've ever done a fat whip? No. See, I've driven ballet before. So I see a ballet brother. It's like, yeah, I'm just thinking. I'm reminiscing.

I mean, it's fucking piece. Let's park this junk in the fucking bag. You see a piece of junk like that pull up. You go, bro, your property value is dropping. This is the Sofitel. Hopefully the garage parking has a basement for this piece of crap, dude. My whip is fat.

Why do you drive that sack of shit? I have a choice. Do you ever feel like a dumbass when you're driving that piece of shit? Not until right now. Smoked the cigarettes like a little punk. He threw a cigarette out the window when he pulled up in that sack of shit.

Did he really? Or did he put it on the ground? Right on the ground. Noah was none too pli- Noah's Native American side started crying. Single tear came out of Noah's high face. It was upsetting to see. So Noah was standing on the corner when I walked around.

I was on the phone with William, and I turned around and I saw Noah like, and I was like, god damn, Noah's high as shit. He was like, I'm not high as shit. No, I'm not. I was like, are you high right now? I was like, a little. Then Gardini pulled up.

And then Gardini pulled up. Blast him, white snake. Yep. Flick the sig out. Flick the sig, man. What's up, ladies? He goes. Gardini, Gardini's so high-test on all the cameras.

What's up, guys? You don't know that. All the camera, Gardini pulls up. He's like, what's up, ladies? He punches us all. We're like, dude, Gardini, what the fuck, man? You girls ready to do a podcast? Ha ha ha.

Yeah, guard dogs are a little fucking piece of shit. Yeah, man. I truly, I've been getting, I've been starting to get very shaken up at the state of things. The old, first of all, the squad, the wheels are up. The speed wobbles are fully, everyone dropping like flies. Yeah. What is happening to the squad?

I mean, we're getting old. We're getting old. We're also being filtered through. I've decided an absolutely poisonous just environment in terms of like politically, socially. Yeah. We're fucked, dude. We're so fucked.

Dude, it's like, even if you can be like, I don't care about politics. I don't care about this stuff. They have, they've captured so many dudes at like the base of their skull in the worst way. We're like, if Trump, if like, he gets raided, there's probably two million dudes being like shutting their fucking phones down.

I mean like, motherfucking motherfuckers. And then they go out and fuck with people. We can't escape it. We're fucked. They have, they have on both sides. They have dudes completely compromised. And to just being like, what the fuck's going on? The sides have been fully conflicted.

And that's already, that's pushing out against everyone. And you're trying to have like a normal day and you encounter, it couldn't even just be that. But it's like, dude, we're fucking fried. I got pissed. I saw something the other day. Like, I don't even remember what it was. I saw a lady dropping in a mail-in boat.

I got pissed. I was like, fucking mail-in bad. I didn't even know I was mad. I didn't know I was mad. I was like, those things are a fucking piece of shit. I got pissed off. You knew where that boat was headed, bro. True.

You got a little annoyed. You're like, fucking chill, Biden. It's just permeated. I think it's really permeated. Because it's all like 10 degrees of separation where it's like, that's closer to that, motherfucker. Who fucking hates me. And they're all in the same fucking team.

And they're in fucking cahoots against me. You know what was nice to see was James. James is still in my apartment, by the way. The Australian. What? He's just moved in. I thought he had to go. No, he's just there.

There's two squatters in our apartment, dude. There's a squad. There's too many squatters. The squad's fully compromised. True. That's kind of the ultimate Australian move, though. Just move in. Take it over.

You've done right by me, mate. Thank you. It'll take it over. But he had no... They're big land hogs, dude. They are land hogs. They're big land hogs. He'd treat me like a fucking ab ab.

You were there first, right? You should have seen it. I can say abbo for the pod. Shut the fuck up, dude. Sorry I lashed out. Yep, delete the abos. It's bleeding. Abos.

But he fucking... He got a taste of American commercials. He had no... He's like, yeah, there's a black guy in this. What is this? For you? Every single commercial, he's like, oh, another black guy. I was like, yeah, brother.

He didn't know. This is it. This is the... Yeah, they don't do that as much. He's like, what's this, a Nigerian woman driving a pickup truck in the city? Oh, yes, in Max Sains. I was like, dude, get ready.

Anything we have, it's headed your way, Australia. Give it five more years. True. Yeah, man. Well, that's nice. So what's his plan? I thought he was about to go to California. He is...

Actually, I think he left today. No, I'm not saying it. I think he left this morning. I must have been nice to have the Australian man kicking about. Yeah, it was starting, yeah. True. Having that nice guy.

It's nice having a guy in the house, also. You know what I mean? This way of the power dynamic. I'm fucked right now, dude. What? I'm outnumbered, brother. Oh, the girls. You're a girl, dad.

Brother, you're outnumbered, brother. Yeah, you're outnumbered. What are you going to do? You've got to even the odds a little. I told her I'm adopting like three 14-year-old boys in five years. Power, complete power move. Have you decided on the race?

Total representative. I might hit every category. Hit three Arab boys. That would be sick. And raise them. That would be sick. I might get like one Arab, like an Afro-Latino. Oh, Sir Anthony.

Sir Anthony Dominguez. And then, I don't know, the last one would just be Wild Car. I'll just spin a thing. Native. See if you can score a native. See if you can score a native. I might be able to. Those are tough.

Yeah, I would have sued them. Tough to come by. Pardon me for my telephone being on. It's OK. Yeah, that'll be tough. I don't know. How do you go about that? I mean, can you hit the agency with a racial preference?

Like a hard one. Be like, bro, I don't care if it takes 10 years. But like, if you have a Native American child, I'd like first dibs. I would like, yes. First dibs. You could go to Carlisle. Go to the Indian school.

That's where they used to get them. Really? Go down in Carlisle, PA. They used to snatch them and say, we're going to teach you guys. I told you who is it. Old Jimmy Thorpe came out of there fucking throwing the pigs and sprinting, jumping. I heard I told you who was like infamous for this.

I mean, it could be urban legend, but apparently Amish people snagged kids. What? Yeah, Amish people like they like they'll go around like white trash towns and look for like a drunk fucked up parent and like they'll just like snag the kid when he's real young. That's got to be a spooky urban legend.

Well, I don't know. Was it there? The drunk parents tell their kids, be like, look, if I get fucked up again, the Amish might get you. I've heard. I've heard that. I've heard like the Amish kidnappings a real thing

and they do it to kind of throw fresh blood into the pool. Yeah, because they're fucking each other. Yeah, I can't help it, bro. They all look so goddamn good. They all look so goddamn good. Look, I believe it. If you're out there fucking urine overalls, building a fucking barn every day,

how many barns do these fuckers need, dude? They ship them. They build like modular homes. Oh, yeah, they do. Holy shit. They've got to get paid, dude. They do. And then some of them go rum springer,

like grow fields of weed. It's like those dudes are wild. Yeah. I mean, I've said it before, you know. Wait, you met them, right? When we were at Notre Dame, were you there that year they were on rum springer? No, I didn't see that.

One year, two years in a row, I was tailgating with Amish on rum springer. What? Yes. What were they up to? Fucking getting obliterated. Shotgunning, bonging beers. What?

Full rum springer. That's when we discovered, we were like, how long do you guys do this, like as long as we want? You can go on rum springer. We're on rum. Squad's been on rum springer. Squad's since college, has been fully rum springer. And now rum springer's getting a little dark.

It's my dad's biggest, my dad's biggest thing. He always goes, that guy never came back from senior week. That's his big, that's his big indictment on people. Fuck. Never came back from senior week. It is still, it's beach week, 2008, 2006, 2006 beach week. That's so long. No, it's funny talking to the Australian boy.

He's like, you've got a good crew here. Other than the binge drinking, you do binge drink quite a bit, but you seem to have it under control. I was like, thank you, bro. He's like, now the rest of the fellas, that seems like a bit of a problem. I was like, it's starting to be, dude. The Ocon man had a day yesterday.

Really? Oh, I beat his ass, dude. What happened? So he wakes up, we go, we're watching the birds, dude. We had a wild one Saturday night. We had a fun one. OK. We played this dice game.

So Foley and Kevin Ryan came over. Fightance was over. We were watching the Phillies. So then I was like, dude, we should play a drinking game. I haven't played one. It's fun. You've reminded me, the vortex got me fired up. So I remember the 7's, 11's doubles.

It's a dice game. So you roll the dice. If you get a 7's, 11's, or a double, you get to pick someone to chug the cup. As soon as they touch the cup, you start rolling again. And if you get a 7's, 11's, double again, they have to go again. And you get to pick whoever you want the whole time.

So we go upstairs, we play everyone. I mean, Ocon man passed out after one chug. What? He literally went, he had to be carried down the steps. So this is well into the day. Oh, this is the end of the night. This is how it ended. Damn, you busted out a guillotine on everybody.

We sat there and tried, I mean, and it's so fast. Yeah. It's literally, you all get hammered in 15 minutes. It was really fun. But then in the morning, I'm like, dude. That was Saturday. That was Saturday night. So yesterday morning, we wake up.

I go downstairs to watch the Eagles game. Me, Tommy, and Chris are sitting there. I noticed Chris is sipping a whiskey. So Jesus Christ, brother. What are you doing? He gets another whiskey. You got two whiskies in the morning. He was feeling good.

It was very funny. He was the hair of the dog. He needed it. He had a hair of the dog and he was shit-faced instantly. And I was like, dude, you want to play sevens, elevens, doubles? You and me? No, dude.

I took him up to my room. What? I made him drink seven beers in like 10 minutes. And he passed out. The rest of the day, he was like, you put him down. Yeah. Made him go to sleep. And he had ordered Taco Bell and I ate it.

And I ate his Taco Bell. Oh, my God. I ate his. It was evil. I might have had a half a beer. He drank eight beers in for real 20 minutes of just I would roll the dice because he was so hammered, it was slow.

He was like, oh, my. He was fucking dealing. Yeah, I was going as hard as I could. It was very fun. That's the thing. If you talk to him since, he'd wake up like, what the fuck was that? Yeah, but he did it.

He did it himself. True. But yeah, that was fucked up. I mean, I did that to him. I was like, come on, it'll be fun. Let's go play that game. He was like, I'll play that game. That was a fun game.

I was like, dude, it'd be fun as hell if we played it right now. One on one. Who was Tommy saying? Tommy, he was hurt. He was hurting for the night before. Yeah. The gang dude, I'm telling you. Party, it's senior weeks coming to an end.

Yeah. Party's got to stop. Party's not stopping. It has to. Yeah. I mean, it's pretty fun to watch. People can do it. I'm completely mystified, but I can't do it.

I love watching the economy and operate. Seeing him hurt, yeah. Then we got this week coming up. It's going to be a tough week. Yeah, dude. Me, Bees, Tommy, and O'Connor are going to Indiana for three days doing shows for three nights, and then going to the Notre Dame game.

Yeah, that's one more week deeper into the fucking internal hangover. All the girls are gone. It's just the fellas. Just the bros. It's just senior week. The girl, no, I'm saying it's senior week. You know how there's girls down there?

Yeah. Now it's just four dudes. Just bros. Chugging beers in a room. For the game. Just for the love of the fucking game, bro. I've been seeing way more jerseys on. I think people, a lot of bandwagon folks.

For the Fils? Fils, Eagles. I've been seeing like nothing but dudes in jerseys over hoodies now. You know, I pay attention to that. I'm looking around. I'm like, I haven't seen a lot of jerseys around here. Yeah, where were you guys?

Yeah. A lot of Fairweather fans, man. Not like me. When it comes to the Fils, everybody's a Fairweather fan. Yeah. Unfortunately. The only person I, my pop. A losing baseball, a losing baseball team,

there's nothing worse. Dude, my, my pop-off on my mom's side was the only person I knew who watched. He watched every game and he would just be screaming. You fucking bombs. The whole time. He would sit by himself in a house and scream at the Phillies. The Phillies were like, you fucking bombs.

It's been a decade. They sucked dick for one decade. Yeah. It was tough. Yeah. Fucking con candy, dude. It'd be fun at the beginning of the year. It'd be like, nice.

This is going to be a fun year. Yeah. This year was done immediately. The first month, they were terrible. And I was like, all right, this sucks. I'm out. It was a wild card. Didn't they get like, get lucky?

They snuck in. Yeah. They picked up. They went, they got hot. They fired their head coach early. Nice. The manager. Yeah.

I like that. They got rid of him. And immediately, immediately won. What? I think they had like an 18 game winning streak. So isn't baseball, someone was saying the other day that it's like, super, like it's all like been figured out, like almost formulaic now.

Definitely. What does that mean? I don't know what that, like, how does that work? Like, so you know who's good against right-handed, left-handed pitchers. You know what they're going to do in every single scenario. It's like blackjack. Yeah.

Where there's like, this is what you do in this situation, no matter what. Oh, OK. Like you hit on a fucking 15 or whatever. It's no longer about like a kid with a big dream who steps up to the plate and points. That happens. Now it's starting to change a little.

There's guys going, there's teams, like the Phillies this year were like, we suck at defense, fuck defense. We're going to hit home runs. OK. That can be, that can be fun. That's pretty sick. But no, it is very formulaic.

It's much more strategic than you would imagine. That's what I think. Now, that's what we're talking here. This is called, we're talking the ins and outs of baseball. And me, there was really no what the fuck we're talking about. Brittany asked me the other day, she was like, is there a strategy to baseball? I'm like, there's an immense amount of strategy, Brittany.

And I was like, I heard the other day from Shane, that there's actually a lot of strategy. I don't know how it works. So I'll have to ask. It's tough. That's what it is. But no, like Tommy knows baseball pretty well, and he can tell you where the pitch is going to go.

What? For the most part. Yeah. You can tell. It's pretty cool. I guess there's only so many combinations. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm mystified every time. I'm like, oh boy, where's it going to be? Where's it going? Where's it going? I never know. It is fun. I mean, playoff baseball is very, very exciting. Yeah.

Catching the end. It's been so fun. I hope they do it, man. But yeah, I'm used to regular season. The, you know, they've law, they're like 40 and 60. Yeah. Series in fucking Miami in front of 10 people. Yeah, it sucks.

It's dog shit. It's hot. They're all these guys are glaring in the outfield. This fly is really causing me problems. Yeah, we'll get it. We'll get it. Somebody's going to get this fly. Noah.

Can you sneak up on that? Sneak up on the fly. See if you can hunt that. It's right there. Get that boy. This is big for podcasting right now. I can get it. Oh, oh, you got it.

Ah! You got it. Man, I knew I'd get it. I saw him. He tried to fly away, but. I'd get it. I knew I would get it. You didn't know what the fuck it was.

No, that's how you kill a fly. You go slow, creep. Whoa. Yeah, that was, dude, because he looked like. He'll be back. He'll be back. That was a stun. Nah, he's, dude.

He went back down. I'll put an end to him. He's measured. He's kind of, yeah. He's kind of blended into this dark floors. I think he's gone. I saw him, dude. He went.

He's like Michael Myers. He rose. He rose from out from under your hand, but then fell back down. Speaking of Michael Myers, it's spooky time. It's Halloween season. Dude. What's going on?

You got a trick or treat tonight. Bro, I got trick or treating. I told you about my Big Mac pumpkin. Yes. This thing's the talk of the town, dude. It's still going. It's still the talk of the town. That thing's going to be a motherfucker to get rid of.

I'm going to hack it up. I'm going to hack it up on Trash Day and put it in a bag. I'm putting in like two bags. Dude, you know how big the pumpkin is? Do you have any photos of it? I don't think so, but dude, honestly, it weighs probably like 112 pounds. It weighs as much as a keg.

Nice. When I left Whole Foods, the guys where I got it from, the dude was like, I haven't seen anyone carry these. And I was just like. I'm going to carry this like an atlas stone out to my fucking car. Dude, literally put it back. That's exciting.

Kids have tried fucking with it multiple times. It's too big. Dude, they will now they've so they can't lift it. So now they try to roll it off of my thing. Dude, I caught kids fucking with it the other day. And I spazzed. What'd you scream? So get the fuck away from my house.

I was mean. I was a little bit mean. I came out because they I felt I like was standing there. I saw a bunch of kids walk by. I'm like, because my pumpkin got rolled already. So I'm sitting in my antennas up. I'm gone. Even motherfuckers better not touch my big bag.

So you're sitting in your house. I'm chilling, dude. One of the things in your mind is I get that pumpkins in danger. She's a big Mac pumpkin. I know what I mean. But I'm saying Google this thing. I love thinking of you in your house. Oh, yeah.

You got shit. There's kids. Yes. There's wives. Yeah. But people are fighting you. Dude, I was holding kids are screaming, but it's still in the back.

I'm holding the wherewithal. Yes. Be like, I know that big Mac pumpkin's a target. Yeah. I was in a fucking secure the pack. I was in a bad mood. I remember I only remember I'm in a bad mood. I'm holding my fucking baby.

I'm sitting there. I'm like this. Just then all of a sudden, I just hear chatter walk by. And I go, last time I came back, my big Mac pumpkin got rolled to the bottom of the street. I wasn't too happy or rolled off my sidewalk. So I'm like. But it's too, it's too sturdy.

And someone stole my sign, my boo sign. I had a ghost that said boo and someone stole that. And so, you know, that Britney took that pretty hard. I mean, this is trick or treat, though. It's this. You're impranked by the local kids. I am. So I'm sitting there and I hear the kids walk by.

And I just do. I literally instinct. I go, hold up. But they're going to fuck with that pumpkin. I'm waiting right by the door. And I hear we get like, we have like a metal handrail. Like you can hear it like people hitting it. I hear the hand.

That's my alarm. The handrail gets hit. Cracked the door open. I'm like, what the fuck are you guys doing? They already started bold and they rolled it off the sidewalk. Those fucks. Motherfuckers rolled it. I'm going to cover it and fucking a Vaseline.

It told Britney I'm covered a Vaseline and putting cayenne pepper on it. So someone rolls it. They're going to get on their hands and fucking. Yes. Burned up. But the. Yeah, I've been fighting.

That's a nice trap for local kids. You just started putting like poisoned dog food. In your front yard to kill the local dogs. No, it's like, well, I came out and like, so I come out and they're all standing there. You can't leave a target like that for kids. A big man pumpkin. Can you imagine what would you do?

I would have destroyed it. I would have stuck a foot through that. I would have destroyed that. You would have stomped that thing. True. And that's when I walked it back. But I came out. I'm on, I'm just like, I'm on edge already.

You're in all fucking 10 of your brothers and cousins. Oh, dude. We've been like running again. Dude. I stole, uh, yeah. One time I stole flowers off some lady's porch and gave them to my mom from others. Yeah.

So, you know, it's pretty bad stuff. But the, uh, me and my cousin both did. That's nice. My cousin did it too. One lady in my neighborhood used to get drunk and steal the flowers from our neighbor. What? She'd go out and cut them.

She'd be blacked out and the other lady would have to come out and be like, get that fuck out of here. What? That's pretty fun. Watching a drunk lady sleepwalk through the neighborhood. Yeah. Stealing fucking other people's gardens.

That is sick when, um, what was that sleep medication that hit and people started like losing their ambient? 00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:03,480 That's cool. When you're just kind of like, yep, yes, doctor, uh-huh. And then you fucking speed your car into like a gas station and you're like, what the fuck?

Yeah. Pharmaceuticals are pretty tight. Yeah, they're looking good. I regret getting the vaccine so fucking much. Really? I'm definitely going to die. You think so? I think you're fine by now.

I'll tough it out. Yeah, I think you're, I think you're good. But yeah, it's- I probably have myocarditis. You think? That's, yeah, I just, you know, I always, but they say you can get it from the fucking thing too. I don't know.

Yeah. I just, you know, I said, all I did when that came out, I said, God, if you want me to be here. Leave me here. I'll put my faith in you. Yeah. Not these big fucking companies. And I'm still there, you know, whatever.

I don't know. I feel all right about that. You did the right thing. I don't know. I mean, you know, just, I just, I prayed on it. That's all. Unless people died from you spreading the vaccine, spreading the disease,

because you wanted to be selfish and not get the vaccine. Possibly, but I think it's been pretty- So how many people do you think died off of you not getting the vaccine? I don't know, because I think the viral load's pretty similar to people who got it and did it. You don't, Matt, I think- The only you fucking dare.

I don't think it's pretty, it's out there. I'm going to put a hit out on that pumpkin. I've got a hit on the pumpkin. My big bank? I've got a hit on the Big Mac pumpkin. Dude, that was so mean. I said, bitch, I ain't never had no damn pumpkin pie. I came outside.

I was like, don't touch my fucking shit. I don't give a fuck. Don't touch my shit. Was it out of the door, like halfway through the door? Walked out into the street. Oh, nice. Like, don't touch my fucking shit. Like he did it.

I was like, I don't fucking care. What are you, punks? Don't touch my shit. Literally, as soon as I came back in, I was like- You're an old man, Matt. What the fuck was that? You're an old man. I know.

But I could have been like, let me see one of your pussies, lift this up. That would have been fun. Yeah. Like, let me see you. I'll give you 100 bucks if you can lift the Big Mac pie. Yeah, if you lift it up, you can smash it. You guys can fucking smash it against my ass.

How many pies do you think you can make out of the Big Mac? Bro, we can feed this whole room. We can have a personal pie. No problem. Shit, let me go. I haven't had any pumpkin pie this year. I have not either. Not yet, right?

I have not either. You don't eat pumpkin pie until Thanksgiving. I'm going to say that this year at Thanksgiving. I'm going to go. I wouldn't stop. I'm going to say, Shane, did you get dessert? I said, Mom, I ain't never had no day of pumpkin pie. Bro, I'm about to fuck you up, dude.

How many pumpkins can make a- how many pies per pumpkin? I'm about to show you a Big Mac pumpkin. Bro, this is kind of gourd I'm fucking with right now. That's the kind of- This is out of control, man. That's the kind of gourd I got. I got a pretty big one, too. I think it's even bigger than that.

It's- dude, I'm not lying. It almost goes up to like the middle level of that chair you're sitting in. Bro, it's a Big Mac pumpkin, dude. It's crazy. Bitch, you ain't never had no day of pumpkin pie. Dude, this thing is nuts. I got a Big Mac pumpkin.

I almost got three. When I- I'm not going to lie. This is exciting. I love the attention. I was talking to the town, dude. Shane, I was talking to the fucking town. Britty was getting text. You could never, dude.

Huh? You could never get a pumpkin like this. I need to have it outside my house. Matt, you don't have a big pumpkin like that. You don't have a big pumpkin. Bro, my pumpkin's- That's too big, dude. You don't have that.

My damn pumpkin's that big. That's a 350-pound pumpkin pie. Is that- oh, that's a Big Mac pumpkin from Nana's Bloomers. Nana's Bloomers. Is it a Big Mac pumpkin or a Big Mac pumpkin? I should call my lady and say, babe, take a picture of that Big Mac pumpkin.

Yeah, text her and say send me a picture with one of your children for likeness so I can compare it to a child. Hey, can I get a picture of that Big Mac pumpkin outside of our house? Shane doesn't believe me how big this thing is. Are you ready to feel like a man? Eat some organs.

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Pretty's been hard at work today, dude. She's going to be pissed. Why? Actually, she'll be very excited to do that. That's a fun treat. Yeah, she'll love that. She's been making jello shots all day. We're going to hand jello shots out to the parents.

Her idea. Good idea. That'll be fun. I told her, I'm like, we have to. I'll get, I'll black out if you don't hand these out. I have no throttle with jello shots, dude. They're good. Delicious.

They're going to be good. I'll be sitting outside handing out candy, so it'll just be. Oh, you're doing it tonight. Oh, you're giving jello shots to the parents while they're out there. Parents, yeah, to the parents. Fuck, I hope you fucking relapse an alcoholic. I hope a guy is just like, I can't, please, please. Although, to be, yes.

Come on, dude, it's Halloween. I thought about that. No, I won't push. I'll say, hey, if you want a jello shot, you can have it. Because I thought about that. If you're an alcoholic and you see jello shots on Halloween, you're doing it. What, who cares?

It's not your fault. I was about to bring that up to Brittany. Like, dude, there might be people, but I'm like, you know what, dude, I'm sick of not having fun. Yeah, we can't have Snickers because one kid has a peanut allergy. Now we're all going to have Snickers. That kid can fuck off. Yeah, man.

Alcoholics can shut the fuck up. Yeah, if you can't handle it, you can't handle it. Some guys can't handle it. Some guys have to stop. Just say no. Some guys can ride through it, dude. Some guys can ignore all the warning signs. Keep rolling, dude.

What's the intake? What's the alcohol intake? What's the jello shot intake? I think it's a shot. No, I'm saying what's the alcohol intake for the bros every week? How many nights a week for the squad? For the squad? Yeah.

Well, not to name names. A couple of them are every day. Right. A couple of them are every single day. Yeah, that's a problem. The O'Connor man can come and go. Gotcha. He had a nice period of surprise.

He can stop. Yeah, right now, but now he's on one. Yeah. He's on at least a week straight. Yeah. Going into another week straight. And you cool it down, and you'll pull your heels. He can, he gets really depressed.

Yeah. He can stop for like, he'll stop for like two weeks. And I hate when he stops. Really? I hate improving Chris. He tries to like read, and he like gets a book about poetry, and he's like. He's trying to save himself, dude.

Yeah, but he's trying to save himself to become an idea of what he thinks he should be versus what he is. Yeah. But you do have a keen sense of identifying people's 00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:11,880 I know the kiss, man. And he's fine. Yeah.

He's doing well. I mean, he's fucking up. He's fucking up his life like every week. But that's pretty good, dude. He's fine. He bounces back. He's a rubber band, man. True.

He is, man. He's getting after it. He gets, yeah. But no, that's still on, dude. He's not like, he's all right. He's all right. I get, I do. I'll go, I get that though.

It gets you after a while. It's like. It's the most fucking depressing thing ever. Yeah. But it's also, it starts becoming a thing where it's like, it helps with everything you're doing. Yeah. You know?

Hell yeah, especially if you're doing stand-up. Yeah. Yeah. So that's, that's me. I mean, it's obviously pales in comparison. That's me with coffee right now. Coffee's the best. Dude, I'm completely addicted to coffee.

Like I can't not drink it now. Yeah, it's fine. It's, dude, it like is a drug for my body. It is a drug. I get fucked up and then I have to lay there and be like, all right, in three hours, I'll feel better and I'm not drinking this shit again tomorrow. I get so spun out.

Yeah. Waking up in the morning, getting a cup of gel. Shane, you don't gotta tell me, dude. It's the best. You don't have to tell me. I'm fighting like second cups at 11 a.m. That's how fucked up I am. It's how fucked up I am.

Mike, I'm lucky. Dude, right now it's merely grace the fact that I can drink one cup and not completely melt down. Dude, I start the day with like a 20 ounce cold brew from like a, yeah, so much caffeine. I wake up and I'm just like, I love all my friends so fucking much. I got to text everybody. I got to call people.

Dude. Then an hour later, I'm like, what do you want? It's all I want to do. It's pound Joe. I want to eat bacon and pound Joe. And just go handle my day. It's all I want to do. And I go and I sit in my office.

You want bacon? Yeah, eat bacon. Eat bacon and pound Joe? I eat bacon and pound Joe. That's what I do. You're keto, bro. It's sick. But then I'll eat.

I made muffins yesterday and ate like nine of them. Dang. Muffins rule. I like to do a thing with like, like Maya likes to mix stuff. So I just made, I completely won a baked goods recipe. Just I was like, I was purely like throw this through like tapioca flour. I remember being a kid and I feel like my mom was always making something.

Yeah. A lot of times. Brownies. Yeah, dude. That's, that's kind of stuff. They stopped making brownies. That stopped a little bit, dude. It's like, dude, that used to be constant.

Yeah. The mom, it might have been the last great moms, bro. Probably. Greatest generation. They thank God our moms weren't cursed with Instagram. Yeah. The moms now are fucked, dude. You have to do it.

Bernie is good on the baking front. She'll make some sweet treats. You know, always like, I always be like, babe, stop with the sweet treats. Come on. And then you sit down and you have a nice cookie, chocolate chip cookie out of the oven. Yeah.

They're delicious. I did, I did it to myself with these muffins, dude. If you use tapioca flour, it turns an end. You know, that's stuff that, which I'm going to call it, that Brazilian cheese bread, that's tapioca flour. It gives it like a gooey consistency. I went nuts with that stuff and made cupcakes that were like almost like gum drops. They were fucked up.

It was a fucked up texture. And I ate like nine of them. I'm like, these are fucked up and I ate nine yesterday. Yeah. What, what type of cupcakes? Apple cinnamon, bro. You know what I mean? That's awesome, dude.

It's this time of year, man. Apple cinnamon. I'm hitting cloves. I'm hitting. You are an autumnal guy. Very autumnal, dude. I love the autumn. You know, I have an autumnal playlist.

I have an autumnal playlist. It's just autumnal jams. What's an autumnal jam for you? Oh, dude. I mean, that's when I get into my Nick Drake bag. I get very autumnal. I got a nice autumnal one. What you got?

I haven't listened to it in so long. Let me see. I'll give you my autumnal vibe. That's all called autumnal swag. I think I spelled that wrong. Fuck. What was the word I mispronounced at one time? The Fleet Foxes.

These are an autumnal band. They're all, yo, they're on my autumn playlist, too. I listen to this and I walk around. That's enough. It's a nice autumn song. It's a nice autumn song. No fucking surround, dude. A lot on the tracks doing.

Not a big deal. It's nothing like, something like stuff like this, dude. Back into rain. Back into tears. I'm kicking leaves. Oh my gosh. Yeah, so nice. So nice, dude.

This is a good time to be a parent. Yeah. Halloween night's a great time to be a parent. Yeah, dude. Take your kid out. It's the most fun. Then you get to see at the chill. Handing out candies.

So fucking fun. You get this Thanksgiving and Christmas. Those are sick days. Yeah, they're all fucking Easter. Easter sick. Easter baskets, nice. Easter's been kind of, Easter's been getting fucked up lately. Really?

Yeah. I mean, it's just like the Easter basket has been kind of like, dude, we used to get fucking regal Easter baskets. And now it's a lot of like kids are getting kind of fucked. I mean, for their best, you know, it's that way they're like diabetes and shit, but. True. We used to get it regal.

Do you guys hide your Easter baskets? They started doing that a little bit. I always, my parents would hide the Easter baskets. Yeah. You wake up, you got to search the house. That's fun. That was fun. Ours were mostly just on the table,

but I think they tried to hide them a couple years. But dude, coming down, we had a first, my Easter basket was, there was a big chocolate egg of some sort with like some sort of filling. So that was the first thing to try to like munch. You spend the whole day munching like a fucking, a chocolate egg the size of your cell phone.

I'd get like a new guy filling or something. I'm not bragging. That would be the center of the basket. And then it was just like, I mean, dude, I remember tropical Skittles coming, hitting my fucking basket and being like, dude, what the fuck, they did it again. Many M&Ms in the fucking, come on, dude.

Dude, I would eat all of it, dude. I would eat all of it in like two days. Yeah. And it was. And it didn't affect me. Not at all. You wouldn't be sick. Not at all.

You'd be totally fine. No, yeah. I mean, maybe you didn't, I don't know. Or we get candy mouth and that's when I'd stop. Yeah. I'd get like a weird coated tongue and I'd be like, I would fucking just like pound of soda and just run around outside.

Oh. Yeah, it's crazy, dude. I got, I got a big day today. Oh, yeah, dude. When we're done with this, I'm headed straight down to Citizens Bank Park to watch the World Series of Baseball. They should say the World Series of Baseball because of poker.

True. It's time to differentiate because who knows, I could be going down to see. World Series of Comedy. World Series of Comedy, you remember that? That's a big one, yeah. Yeah. It's the most prestigious prize in comedy.

It's one of the most prestigious prizes. World Series of Comedy, you did it. I participated in that. They had one in Harrisburg. It's like a preliminary thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I did it and it sucked dick. Yeah, I think, I think I did.

I don't, I can't tell. I think I've blacked out comedy contests from my head. So I did one. I did the comedy cabaret comedy contest and like, that was a pretty big one. I brought out most of them other than our, you and I's, but I think, you know. I don't remember any of my life until winning Philly's Fund.

I was like, I came into consciousness and was like, wait, what's going on? Why is everyone pumped on me? Oh man, everybody loves me. What happened? All the other open micers are hugging me. Soon to betray me and stab me in the back within about a year, about one year later.

Dude, that was weird. Because then people would stop and be like, yo, I just think you were a fucking asshole, but like, you're actually kind of cool. And I was, thanks man. Thanks for taking, what, what's changed? Why, why would you say that to me right now? It's like, thanks.

What's changed, bro? True. But yeah, it was nice. I haven't hung out with Foley and Kevin Ryan in a while. Yeah, the bros. Such a fun hang. And it was all Philly guys. So we got to sit there and talk about

former open micers that we hated. Dude, do you remember this guy? I'd be like, yeah, that guy fucking sucked dick. Yeah, that's the best. Fuck that guy. Well, when Foley was like, one of the earliest gatekeepers of Philadelphia comedy at the Raven Lounge, him and Chris Conran.

He's a hell of a gatekeeper, dude. Yeah. Those are two big dogs. Foley wasn't that big though. Not then, no. He was, he was a big dude. He's big, but not like, god damn. He hadn't become a Titan just yet.

He is a fucking Titan. Yeah, dude, he's a big dog. He's slimming up, I think. He's working on it. He's slimming up. Yeah. He's been going to the same, the trainer. As you go.

He goes to the Tommy's trainer. Nice, dude. Yeah, him and, him and Chris Cotton, like, would tell you, like, you suck. Yeah. You have to go on to that. You're, you can't go on the first half. And it was so fun.

And then, dude, it just, he's fucking neoliberalist, dude, that took over. The Marxists. It's Marxist, neo-Marxist. They all became Marxist. Liberalist, dude. Post-modernist, dude. Took it over.

And they fucked it up. They literally spiked the ball. They're like, no, let's just put everyone It's like the crowd stop coming. And it's like, yeah. Crowd stop. They also, they also, when they, when they became neo-Marxists, they gave credence to guys like,

who's that fucking maniac? Who's the one white dude, maniac, shaved head? I mean, bro. Big guy, Ron Dickles. Oh, yeah. They give credence to them. They're like, this is hate speech. They kind of beatle juice.

It's like, no, he's not. They beatle juice dudes like that. Those dudes just materialized. And we're like, blah. Yeah. I'm here to scream. They're into the mic. They're genies.

He's an evil genie. It doesn't he drive around with like a speaker? Yeah, man. He got banned from helium. So he like parks outside with like a Volkswagen bug with a megaphone. Is it like pro Hillary Clinton? Isn't he like pro Hillary Clinton?

I don't remember. I don't remember. I think he is. I think he is. That's a pro Hillary neocom wall. He's the best, dude. He's truly the best, dude. He was so fun, dude.

Oh, when he did digital graffiti. Dude, I remember I hosted the Phillies Funniest Contest and he was in the bathroom. I think he might have been drinking five hour energy drinks and he comes out. He comes out literally just goes, whoo kicks up like to his head out of the bathroom like you're on next. He's like, wow.

Kids walked out. It's like, you're fucking pussy. He's like, oh, it's the best. It's like, look at this lady. What are you, a dyke? Yeah. Shit. You get people like boo.

Yeah, you guys can't handle real comedy. It was crazy. Plus he's him. I'll never forget opening the door, full fucking kick and being like, let's fucking go. And I'm like, that's champion energy right there. That is champion energy. Dude, doing lines of blood.

Allegedly, I don't want to put that on. He came out. It looked like he was energized. Snorting a five hour and then going out and just screaming slurs into a mic and being like, fuck you guys. You don't even get it. I'm the next great comedian.

Yeah, it was great. That was so fun to watch. You know what, I do look fondly back at the time in the open mic scene. Yeah. Those were very fun days. It's so fun. It's so much fun.

That's the thing. You go to high school, grade school, and college even, and you have this social world just built into your life. Then you leave college and you're like, oh, I'm supposed to maintain that myself? And it's just, I'm not going to do that. It's impossible. Yeah, I'm never going to call my friends.

That's crazy. Yeah, it's like, I need to be in the same place. Go to work, then go back and go to sleep. But comedy was like going back into another one of those 00:40:51,880 --> 00:40:54,040 Yeah, you get clicks, there's a ball of bros, dude. It's fun, you fuck around. That was very, very fun.

Next thing you know, you're 34, sitting around. Yeah, man. It's fucking around my hotel room. Yeah, true. I ask myself these questions every day. Yeah, but shit kind of rocks. It rocks, dude. I came in, I went, I-

Truthfully, shit kind of rocks. Dude, I came in- I'm done with the doom and gloom. I sit around and I'm like, I don't fucking care. Now, dude, shit rolls. It's crazy. It's literally crazy. I stopped in before this.

I went, I was just sitting butthole. I did stunter dance. I came in from pounding coffee and getting stoned. And I came back to my wife and was like, I'm in a rush. I gotta go. I'll be back. I can't, I can't.

I was like, I stopped before I left. And I went, what the fuck? Yeah, you can't do that. You can't. I get stuck in it all the time where I'm like, what am I doing? It's like, yeah, hell yeah. Think about what you're doing.

It was juice. It's awesome. I turned around to her and I went, how fucking crazy is this? And she was like, get out of here. Get out of here, you damn crazy kid. It's crazy. It's the best.

So she's like, are you stoned? I was like, not really. I drank more coffee and I smoked weed. That's exactly what Noah said. I was like, no, you're high off your ass. He goes, no, I'm not. I tray Noah the dark guard. He goes, I have four coffees.

That's exactly what he said. You have, this is your protégé. Dude. Sweet Noah is the protégé. I use my fucking Play-Doh, dude. I'm so critis. I'm so fucking obsessed with goddamn Play-Doh right now, dude.

What's going on? I saw you post a picture of the book. Bro, it's, I can't stop thinking about it. Tell me what's going on. I didn't realize how sick Play-Doh was, dude. I always heard about it and I was, I didn't know the extent to what the dude was up against. I don't know the extent.

It's pretty awesome. Is he the cave? Well, Play-Doh wrote the Algor of the Cave, but Play-Doh is kind of like, he's like, yeah, it's all soccer. He's bro, I'm just, I'm the best. He was just, yeah. But no one really knows.

Cause Play-Doh, or Socrates last words we're talking about, when he was in jail, kind of sick. He, when he got finally arrested by the, you know, the pro-democratic conspirators, it just got like beat, the Spartans hated him. And then whatever, it was a bunch of bullshit, but. Spartans kind of ruled. They ruled, they ruled.

The Spartans were like philosophies, gay. Yeah. They went to war with the Athenians. We need to start killing everybody. Yep. But then there was pro, so here's what happened. It's very funny because what happened. Didn't the Spartans always call them gay?

They're like these fucking boy lovers, these fucking homos talking? Probably. Cause what happened. Stop talking. Dude, what happened in the, in the polis was the, the Spartan, the Athenians were like, we're the shit. We're the best.

The Spartans were starting to kind of threaten them. And then a bunch of turncoats were like, yo, we're pro Spartan. And then they started attacking Socrates, being like, fucking get this. Cause he was like, no, you're Spartan now, huh? And he started fucking with them. And then he already made a bunch of enemies

with the other guys. So then the Spartans were going to take them out. I would also have hated the Spartans. Dude? Yeah. If I would, I'd be a fat guy and like a toga being like, dude. Fuck. Shut up.

Oh, dude, we get it. You guys are tough. He fucked people up back then. Cause he'd be like, why do you think that? And they'd be like, this is a matter of a, and he'd be like, huh, huh? And dude, he was just a humiliating people. Cause there was dudes who would get paid.

They were called the Sophists. So they would like, if you were rich, you'd be like, I got a higher guy to make my kid like a sick ass philosopher. Yes. And he went and he talked to the, and you, they'd pay these guys tons of money. And Socrates was like, yeah, well, like how do you know that? And they'd be like, dude, shut the fuck up.

Yeah. The first guy that could think that must have sucked. You just have a spear and a shield. And some guys like, what are you doing? And you're like, I don't know. Dude, what the fuck is your problem? I'm a fucking idiot. So they hated him, but then the Spartans somehow,

they fell out and then the other guys came back. They're like pro democracy guys, but they hated his ass too. Would you say you're a modern day philosopher? I don't know. I made a comedian podcast. He went modern day philosophers. No diggity. I'll let other people make up their minds for that.

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? I'm not leaving you hanging. I was, I was leaning forward, but I see it. But yeah, it's one of his best sayings, dude. What's that? He's like, hey, man, get married.

If she's a good, if she's a good woman, you'll have a good marriage. She's a bad wife. You'll become a philosopher. Hell yeah. Beast, dude. The drill. When he was being sentenced to death, dude.

When he was being sentenced to death. Were you reading that? Just like, in your basement, just got done with a fight. You're like, I started. I just wanted like this. Yes. I guess I now I think about it. I guess I am pretty fucking smart.

Dude, he's, he's in jail. He gets arrested. He has to drink the hemlock. I'm going to get a big pumpkin. If anybody touches it, I'll become a Spartan. Immediately screaming people. Don't touch my shit. Don't you book.

You see this house the fuck away from it. Stay away from my house. Don't touch my shit. I don't care who did it. I had him on my ring doorbell. I immediately went back to the ring doorbell. I was like, I'm going to identify these children. I wanted to see who was the kid I was talking to.

It really wasn't him. I went, I looked at the ring doorbell. I said, check the tape. Check the tape. I said, yeah, it wasn't him. I'm sorry. So what happens with the dude? So yeah, I did redo that.

I read that quote and it's went, it was just a little like shard of pleasure. Oh yeah. Yeah. Everyone's right. You see, you see one that resonates and you're just like, fucking nice, dude. So in dark times, those help.

They do. Those quotes. I mean, reading about, dude, he, oh man, I can't get over how just beautiful the guy's life was. Damn, did I ever tell you, when me and my ex broke up and I was like, I have to be good at comedy. Did I ever tell you the poem I used to fucking like?

It's Bukowski. I think you did tell myself. I had to because I always talked about this fucking thing. Now that you're saying that, now you're saying it's a beautiful thing. It's called Roll the Dice by Bukowski. That's fantastic. And God, it's so gay.

Yeah, but still, you need it. I was in a dark spot. My girlfriend had left me because I was trying to pursue my dream. Dude, go all the way. Go all the way. I would sit by myself. If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start.

If you're going to try, go all the way. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives, jobs, maybe even your mind. Go all the way. It's long. It's long. I'm not going to keep doing it, but... It gets me going, dude.

That is pretty sick. All the way. There's long. There's a long thing. Then he goes, whatever, fuck it. I'm sorry. What's the rest of it? No, not a big deal.

Doesn't matter. It's fucking awesome, dude. If you're going to try, go all the way. There's no other feeling like that. You'll be alone with the gods and the knights will flame with fire. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Very so, Craddick, dude. All the way. All the way. You'll ride life straight to the perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is. Come on, man. That fucking rules, dude. Now you're sitting in the fetal position in the shower, crying.

Now you're sitting there. You're crying. You're sitting there, you know, under the water. Oh, yeah. You hear Tommy and Chris there. Tommy out there in the living room fucking... Scream laughing at a death video. You realize you threw away a life.

You're sitting there just like, fuck, I have one spot this week. The creek in the cave at fucking 2 AM. That's the whole... I think that's the trick. That's coming for everybody at some point. That? It's either going to come for you in a completely self-determined life as possible,

or you're going to phone it in and it's going to come, dude. It's going to come times five. That moment comes. But when it does, you need a nice poem. True, but you still can't let it come. And, you know, if that's the case, just get a Lamborghini, cheat on your wife, and do what you need to do to fulfill your destiny. That's the way to go.

That's called going all the way. That's what Bukowski's talking about. He's not talking about pursuing a higher art. Cheating on your wife? He's talking about like, dude, fuck this bitch. Get some fucking pussy, dude. See if you don't... Yeah, that ends up...

That's a shower. That's a crash hour. Dude. Cheating on your wife is definitely sitting in a bathtub like, what the fuck have I done? Nobody wants to laugh about it with me, but it's my favorite thing to bring up as jokes. Cheating on your wife?

Cheating on your wife? Cheating on your wife? Dude, it's hilarious. It's so funny. Because fucking is funny. Fucking is funny. Yes. You look like a dumbass, right?

And you're destroying a family. So your dick feels good for like five minutes. And then you get dawned, and you sit on the edge of the bed at the hotel. Somebody sat right there. Where are you sitting? Right here. Same thing.

Just like, trill. Fuck. Some fucking lady's like, I'm going to call your wife. You're married, you piece of shit. You told me you'd leave her. I thought you were like kind of cool. And like, we're saving up for a fucking mini Cooper.

Yeah, dude. Convertible mini Coopers are cool. Yeah, it's crazy. I was like doing the dishes the other night, and it was just like, dude, like. Guys do it, dude. I get how the body gets away from you. They rip it.

You get horny, dude. Everybody gets horny. Fucking horny. And it's like. You have to bait, dude. Yeah. I know. I do this.

I think I'm off the knock. So I'm getting my full fucking powers back. And good boy, dude. Yeah. But here's the thing, though. I already, I talked to Brittany. I said, I need maintenance. That's nice.

I need, like, bro, I need that. Work that in. I'm not pressuring you. But like. That's pretty hot. That's the kind of stuff I like. Let's trade stuff. Any type of J maintenance wise is fucking cool.

Dude, purely, purely mechanics. She could literally just slide under me on a skateboard, dude. Whatever. Whatever. With a rag. Just put me up on a lift. You're leaking. You're leaking pretty bad.

Your ass is pretty dirty. We cleaned your ass out. But yeah, man. No, yeah, you must. You must. You must go all the way. Roll the dice. You must.

God, I'm so fucking good. No, dude, that fucking. You know what else? It was during a pretty intense breakup and I was considering getting a tattoo. Oh, dude, what were you going to get? I've done it several times, dude. What were you going to get?

I don't know. I want to be loud. It would have been the lamest. It would have been probably something involving this poem. I would have, I would have been so embarrassed. Hey, man. It's not the first time.

Anytime I've been through a serious breakup or something dramatic, I've been like, I should get a tattoo. Yeah. I don't know what that is. I have no idea, but it's happened a couple of times. It's kind of sick. Like three different times in my life,

I've been like, I'm getting one. Really? Yeah. I'm surprised you haven't pulled the trigger yet. I won't. I'll never do that. Well, I don't want to say never, but because that's a tight one, dude.

Why did you get that? Because I was in, I told you, I was in a lunch truck with my brother and I was talking shit. I had just, I'm working with my brother when his lunch truck, I'm sitting there and I'm like, dude, anything I say, it was him and we had a female employee

and it was me and we're sitting in there and I'm sitting, I'm just little, we would make like the cold brew iced coffee. This was like years ago, back in like 2008, 2009. Before they were. But I didn't know. We, I didn't know really what it was. I knew like, he used to put it in my house.

So I would have this big apparatus in my kitchen where like, it would be like five or 10 pounds of coffee beans ground up and you let water sit on them and it slowly drips down into like a syrup and you filter that, you like refine that. Is that what cold brew is? Yeah. So I'd come down every morning and be like,

seem to be like, how's the cold brew? Cause I'd check the yield and be like, it's nice. We got a lot of syrup. You guys have been making shit. You guys never stopped making shit. Dude, this is like 2009. Good God. So I come down and I'd be like, bro, nice yield last night.

We got a lot of syrup. I didn't realize how strong that shit was. You guys are definitely farmers. You're a farmer's blood. It's out of control. That flies back. I knew he would be fine. He did rise.

Michael Myers is part two. I thought he felt true. His back is jaws too. Dude, I would come down. I would, I would drink that syrup. He's supposed to water it down. So we would do cafe con leche and I'd pour some milk and dump some of that syrup

in there. And dude, I'd be... Cafe con leche. I have a cafe con leche. Dude, so I'd be... I said, no idea what you're doing. This is some coffee. You're like, it doesn't match any on me, bro.

That's a cafe con leche. This is very European. I know. He's been a truck. It's like cafe con leche. So he's pouring like basically like liquid fucking amphetamines into a cup. But I mean, that's dramatic.

But still, I was like, dude, I was getting zoomed. Bro. So I was like, I'd be in this lunch truck. Be like, yeah, pretty much anything I say, I do. Like if I say something, I'm going to do it. I'm going to be talking shit this truck and the lady was like, didn't you say you're going to get a big don't tread on me tattoo all down your back,

like the 50 cent tattoo? And I was like, I'll fucking, I'll get a fucking tattoo. And I said, dude, I somehow threw this was like, and she was like, I'll get it. I'll get a fucking tattoo right fucking here. She was like, my friend's a tattoo artist. I was like, fucking call him. She called him and he was, she was like,

I said an appointment. And I was like, okay. And the dude called. I was, I'm not fucking doing this. Fuck this. And the dude called me and he was like, bro, like shit so slow. I just want to make sure you're still coming in. Everyone's canceling on me.

And I went, motherfucker. Oh, dude. I went in, dude. And I got the snake and they don't tread on me. And then I try to cover it with more stuff because the fuck you don't remember that. Try to cover it up with the cool background. The desert background.

Can I see it again? It's like a girl desert background. Funny as fuck. It's a girl. It's look at that cactus is humiliating. Dude, the skyline's nice. Skyline's sick, but that cactus is crazy. The cactus is the only thing fucking it up.

I know. Don't tread on me is fucking wild, dude. I know. I don't think I ever let that sink in. How insane that is that you don't tread on me, dad. Dude, if I just got a red flag, dude, that's a great. That's a fucking insane thing. It's not that bad.

For some reason with you, it's not that bad. It's every now and again, I pop my shirt off. I forget I have it. And it's but my thing is it signs me up for a whole thing that I'm going. No, it's not like that. It's like, yeah. I was I had like two weed plants in my house.

And I was like, nobody can tell me what the fuck to do. Yeah. I had two shitty weed plants. That does suck that that got. God, bud. Really? Yeah. Then it got like hyper politically charged.

Yeah. I was just like, fuck yeah, dude. No one can tell me what to do. It's still it's cool. It does. It is cool. It does rule. I fight the battle of like, yo, I should go all the way.

I'm like, am I getting fucking sleeves or the fuck? You should not get. I'm not. I will not promise me. I won't. Trust me. I won't. I won't get any more tattoos ever.

Never know. The only thing I fight against is Bible versus, dude. That's the only thing I'm like, bro, getting some Bible verse tats would be nasty. But I'm like, dude, no, no, no, no. Bible verses would be tight. I fight them off every week, dude. You should get pictures of your kids on your chest.

That'd be sick. While UFC fighters have just full portraits of their family members. That would be sick. Yeah, they're hilarious. It's a baby's face and it's like. No, I decided because that was the thing. I'm like, I could fix this with that.

And I went, you know what? No, I'm not getting any more fucking tattoos. Yeah. They're a waste of time. I'm over two on tattoos. I'll hang it up. You can get a Bible verse, dude. Bible verse would be that.

That's the only ones that get me. Bible verses are pretty sick. Do you have one of your Proverbs is the shit? I have like 10, dude. I could get. I have like 10. But yeah, I'm not. Come on.

Oh, brother. I think comes to me. I want to snag that thing. Go ahead, dog. If you snag it. I made contact, but I didn't snag. I got him. It's dead.

What a fucking snag, dude. It's dead, dude. Did you find the body? Hold on. Give me the light. I saw him go down. All right, dude. I smashed that thing to smithereens.

Wow, that was crazy. You grabbed that, dude. Bro, I'm at the top of my fucking game right now. Yeah, there it is. I see him. I see him. It's official. Zoom in, Garde.

That's big. Snag, saw him, and then threw him down and stomped him. I got him twice. Hold on. Let me take a picture like the guys who found Saddam. All right. Where are we at? Oh, my gosh.

We should switch to the page, right? Oh, hell yeah, dude. All right. Let's switch over to the page. I'll record them. Thank you guys for listening. We have to switch to the page. And we're in a hurry.

We have to get to the World Series of Poker, of World Series of Baseball. Thank you for coming.