Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 457 - Honey Dipz (feat. Tim Butterly & Naim Ali)

Episode Date: August 26, 2023

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Tim @ patreon.com/fieldtrippin Support Naim @ patreon.com/duragandthedeertag Go to Philly Comedy Fest - Sunday Sept 3 Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com YO. We're here, don't fret. As you know, Big SG took a trip to the motherland. Hopefully he kissing the soil as I type this. Anyways, you know Matt would never leave you hanging in the Kahuna's absence. We got a scorching HOT cast with our best bros Naim and Tim. Please enjoy. God Bless you all.  Support the show by going to https://www.HamiltonDevices.com and use code DRENCHED15 for 15% off Get 10% off & free shipping at https://magbreakthrough.com/mssecretpod and use promo code DRENCHED Support the show by going to sheathunderwear.com and use promo code DRENCHED to get 20% off your first order. New customers can bet $5 on college football and score $200 in bonus bets. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code DRENCHED 

Damn dude How the dream is this you need the chill Welcome to the mother fucking pod dude welcome to you know yet another week dude of just gallantry pure fucking See that you ever seen three men doing extreme sitting you said this extreme sitting right here slow motion goal celebration This is what this is what's out there true dude. dude. Did you go fire all gotta do a subtitle this Whoa shit you wrote the edge of the jungle with the beans. I mean it is what it is. That's a lip-stall His manual me just go

Welcome naive welcome Tim. Welcome to the mother fucking pile. Thank you. You're having us. It's great to be there Thank you. Come on man. Thanks for fucking coming. Yeah, you changing a Ireland. I figured what the hell dude? It's Friday to the mother fucking pile. Thank you. It's great to be there. Thank you. Come on man. Thanks for fucking coming Yeah, you changed in a Ireland. I figured what the hell dude? It's Friday visiting the motherland Kissing the soil. I told his a told his family to kiss the ground for me my kiss the soil. Mm-hmm hell you Bring some dirt. I was like kind of like, you know, I wasn't kidding that much shame laughs and I went That was a funny thing of me to say That was a funny thing of me to say. Dude, what the fuck is up? Not much, man.

I had to peel myself away from video games to be here. I've been playing tons of armor, Khor, lately. No way. Really? No kidding, really? Really fuck. When we were in Tampa, I punished Matt with speedrunning videos. Just the history of Castlevania speedrunning is.

You used speedrunning is. No, oh my God. Someone plays a video game as fast as they can. So you know, if you beat a video game, you're a normal person, you're like, fuck yeah, dude, I beat a video game. Imagine beating a video game like I could do that faster. Okay.

Me and my friends used to compete in that, like when, when, when I'm a Zelda, yeah, Ocarina at the time, like that game came out, me and my friends was like, yo, who's gonna beat this bitch first, bro? Cool now imagine that and I lied and said I beat it first. I didn't I got to the final She's first he spliced it but then I love I spliced it, bro

So how do you it was it over then? Did you have you been living? Have you been carrying this lie the whole time? I had no nobody knows this until just now. I never admit that it never Damn, I'm sorry, Swizzy. Sorry, Michael Barnum. Sorry, Jim. You know what I'm saying? I'm bad. You out loud about that. I'm sorry.

Wait till the speed run down. I just heard the word. I have forums here about this. I didn't know you could lie about Zelda. I thought it was physically impossible. I mean, what? That's a deep lie. That's a deep lie.

It's like an enchanted, like, very first. And, bro, I made it to the end of the game before all of them did. I just didn't beat the final balls So doing my first so then with swissie beat the final balls I Really was like jealous, but I was like I did that already Catch the fuck up, but I got it already Yeah, I think like how did you end up doing like what was your man? I did ask him and then I went back and actually did it

I didn't even know how to do it You gotta defeat him, but what did you do so specifically? Then I went back and actually did it. I didn't even know how to do it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You got to distract me with the beat them. What did you do, specifically? Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty much how I did it last week. Yeah. I told him a lot of said that there were two different ways

to beat them. There's only one way to beat this boss at the end of the break. You told him you did the other way. Yeah, that's one way. You did like yeah, I distracted him on this side And then we just kept him from behind and he would like oh, I didn't even think about it He's not on his back. You can't do damage on his back. Well, I mean that doesn't even seem possible the way I did it Uh, maybe you'd like to show us

He had you a controller and you're like Oh, what a word with me, bro, and look fucking seven greatest. I'm shit out of bed He had told the whole class. I think N. I've been done. He didn't tell the whole clay I think the N64 is overheating, dude. We should probably turn it off Yes, we got turn it off. But got shot mom. Yeah, mom You want to steal home? I got to be home. Yeah, I'm sorry guys. I got to leave. Yeah video game lying is a Very specific form of lying. That's it. So, so nice. It's one of the first temptations for most dorks.

True. The video game life. I know that I felt it. Yeah, I know that I think. I was curious if you ever been tempted to video game life. Oh, for sure. I still, I mean, I'd still deal with it, you know. Until I get both feet out of video gaming

and I'm still kind of like in the trenches, all the time there's just temptations. And you're like, oh yeah, I killed a boss in the first try. Technically, you almost did though. I almost did. You almost did take down the armor core six, but, yeah, I killed a boss on the first try. Technically, you almost did though. I almost did. You almost did take down the armor core six. But yeah, I said, your thing really crash or is that a video game? Why?

The video. I do. It's your thing really. I want to present myself as a virtuous and honest man. And there is video proof of this happening. Okay. Nice. There's a video proof of the black screen occurring.

The audio continues. I mean, I have nothing to defend myself in here. Did you have to go, did you guys all that right? You guys all that. Oh, absolutely. And then I had people saying that like, because I ran it back on them and I fucked around with them. I destroyed the student on my first and a half attempt.

I'm not on the second attempt. That's fair. And I had people saying that like that doesn't count. You're one aster. You beat him on the first aster. Yeah, true. It's an aster, honestly. It's an aster. He doesn't mean it's not the first attempt

it was you got taken off. I guess, but yeah, but here's the thing is like, I have to live with this is your permanent record. I know. Like throughout the entire Dark Souls series, how you do against like the first boss, like everyone wants to claim that you're so honest. You beat him the first time.

That's all I have, dude. I have nothing else. You're so honest. And this is so I can't, I can't, I can't, obviously I can delete the save and go back, but as a person, I can't go back. True. And have,

Yeah, you know what, I do, but that was it. It's for everyone to see. It's my heart's open and it's like, I, you know, I guess I can't really say I'm a first thing. I'm gonna say about how all of our ancestors are gonna see everything we've ever done. And they're gonna have to be like, a first thing about how all our ancestors are gonna see Everything we've ever done and they're gonna have to be like yeah my granddad beat our ancestors are our My predecessors are I always call my ancestors

Yeah, these are my cave drawings a babies babies. They're gonna be like yo. He beat it in one try I'm gonna use all my cave drawings and they're gonna go. Oh look at this dude are my cave drawings and they're gonna go, ah, look at this dude. This is a game fucking crap. Computer credit, I don't know why people have ancestors. I thought they were like a black word. True. You know what I think, you know what I'm saying, black will say ancestors. We don't talk about them.

We're not talking about them. That's a black word. Yeah, ancestors is for, and Chinese. And Chinese. They were the number one ancestor. True. And Native Native Americans also. True. They talk about ancestors. True. Really hear white people talk about ancestors. Chinese they were the number one ancestor right and native Native Americans also true

about ancestors true really hear white people talk about me just feel so ashamed about them to talk yeah exactly safe space to summon them to summon them please don't someone to please please no you know matter ancestors with baby I'm sure the fuck dude Yeah, if I did I need to help in my relationship like your wife is watching like

Yeah No, I'm lucky I can go back one to not even a generation one parent. I'm so lucky my dad is dead, bro He fucking hate a white people. Yeah, really what? dead, bro. He fucking hate a white people. They really what? Yeah Bro, he killed the white man. He killed the white 12-year-old boy when he was like no the he was 12 and the kid was 14 He killed a 14 year old. Uh-huh. He shot him. Okay. Okay. The 22 long rifle damn people know 22s can kill you Oh hell yeah, it was like 19 my dad was more than 19 36. It was like 1946 wait What the fuck your dad was more than 19 36. It was like 1940. Wait, what the fuck? Your dad was born in 1936. Yeah, he died when he was a missing an ancestor Born in 1936 he was bit by a vampire in 1961

Technically he had a lie for 40 years when he was born to be 12 He would have been 90 something right now. Yeah, wait. Almost. Yeah. He died at 86. He had just that. So you're not lucky. He's dead. It's just like it's insane that he lived that long.

It is insane that he lived that long. And he didn't quit smoking till he was 77. So wait, he killed a white guy in 1947 and Thompson, Georgia. And then my grandma sent him to New York. What was the penalty? Nothing, because my grandma put him on a train and sent him to New York. It is gonna win him.

It's about to say, yeah, I'm surprised. I was like, I must have gained him community services. Yeah, you know, he did it. You know, I did it. I did it. I did it. I did it. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm soft on crime, 1940. I'm soft on crime, 1940. I'm soft on crime, 1940. I'm soft on crime, 1940. I'm soft on crime, 1940. I'm soft on crime, 1940. I. Soft on crime, 1940, South. Yeah. Oh, no, he was going, hey, he's there. They burned my grandma's down. Oh, no. Just looking for my dad. Yep.

That's one way to do it. Where is he? Where is he? Not in here. Oh, you not here? We're never gonna have nowhere to come back to. Well, then you burned the house down to go. It's kind of like Skinner's box, then.

It's like, was he here? Is he here? Is he not? You don't know. You don't know. He could have been in there. You could have not been. You don't know where he is. True. But he was on his way to New York when he did that.

I do like that period of time. You could do something terrible and it's go to another state. You ever change your name? You good, bro? He's gone. Mm-hmm. He's gone forever. Oh yeah. My dad's actual name is John,

but when he moved to New York, everybody's name was Joe. That's how he did when he was in World of Legends. Criminal genius, dude. Yeah. I'm gonna talk to you in. Yeah. I'm going to drop these names. I'm going to drop these names. And, damn, so what, what was the fight about?

He's working a supermarket and he said these white kids pushed it so back in a day, you would take a foot locker with you to the supermarket and you put all your groceries in there. And tie a store. And I guess you would pull up your car. Two of us up. I don't will pull up your car two or three some bottle for the tiny guy in a referee I'll take a whole foot locker take a small, you're gonna milk a tiny referee

guys like let me know if I can help you I think it's like the you need it in the cover it's like what's the mood the unique wait so what is a foot locker it's like a chest it's like a chest with like a lock on it. So you would bring a chest to the grocery store? People would bring like a chest.

A treasure chest? I mean, not that heavy out there. I can offer you a time treasure chest. Yeah, similar, very similar. And these kids, and my dad was working there and he was like, help people put the groceries inside of the foot locker and he had clothes it, put it in the back of the horse and buggy

and whatever the fuck they had back then and then They pull the fuck off right? I signed up car Just cranking it in the front Yeah, so then what these white kids how do you think he was blasting like jazz out of that? Oh, he was dumb in that shit bro Yo, and all out of he up into my dad You never know what the frasks we were talking about Like, even recently Yo, and all out of here up to my dad. That's what I'm gonna be proud of. That's what he was.

Like, yeah, even recently. Really? And then so he was, he was filling the foot locker. Oh, then they pushed the mishada, they pushed the mishada one. And the foot locker? Yeah, and then they locked, they closed and locked it. But this one, this foot locker,

like I guess they didn't belong to anybody. So he just left it there and then they didn't find them to the next day. So he got out of here. Oh, he ultimately worked your dad? Yes, they locked him in some shit and he was stuck there for like a day, bro. What?

Hell yeah, dawg. And then he freaked out. Yeah, I bet. He knew these kids played. So he went up, he said he like went up in the tree with his 22 long nose rifle. Well, his dad's 22 long nose rifle. He saw him playing and he said he let off one shot

and hit the kid in the neck. Kid died. That shot. Damn. So they, I mean essentially that's like buried, it's like the fear of buried alive Yeah, hell you he was buried alive basically One of the people that worked at this store opened it like oh shit the fuck is this when they opened it was you like

It was like there was like a running track in there. There were tons of sinkers bunch of helpful gentlemen Drip like a fish eaters A bunch of helpful gentlemen. Drip like a fish eaters. Drip like a fish eaters. Yeah, bro. Damn, that's fucking wild. So he would let him out.

He wouldn't wait too far, but you don't kill. Oh, you deal with it. You got locked in the face. I did. If someone locked you in a foot locker for a day, I would say, deal with it. You can't kill somebody for that. That's nuts, bro.

Dude, but you've never been in a foot locker. Put yourself in the mind of a 12 year old spasming. True. Yeah, that's true. All right. 12 year old spasming. True. Yeah, that's true. All right. 12 year old spas, definitely. In 1932, because back then it was just like, and you get away with my daddy's gun.

Yeah, man, you fight six cops for way less. Yeah. All right, come on, the God damn it. It was Christ, dude. Let me pretend to be a good guy. Jesus Christ, I did. Wait, for what? I beat up six cops before.

At the same time? Yes. Well, they didn't, Oh yeah, you were a boxer, but they were a boxer. Yeah, you're a boxer. They just wait like video game guys. They like, they like,

they go like this, they make what they fingers like this and go down like shuffle around you and shit. Anyway, for you to hit them first. Yeah, true. I guess they come in one of the time One at a time do a bit of kung fu. Yep. Take one out Did you do any of those like you like get low and sweep your leg backwards on them? I just take take five of them down at once

Hit them all in your turtle moves, bro I'm still fascinated by That whole situation who let him out of the locker, I think when he said it was his manager that worked at like the Supermarket. Yeah. And he said the manager was a white guy. He said the guy let him out and he would like, all right, time to get the work.

And he'd like, fuck this job at Ran Home. Oh my God. Did he have to like piss in the locker or anything? He pissing shit all on himself. Oh, oh my God. Yeah, I mean, this is your building the case. Yeah. What?

Dude, so imagine, but imagine how, we have to examine like first, second, I mean, this is your building the case. Yeah. What? Dude, so imagine, but imagine how, we have to examine like first, second, third degree murder. If you were locked in a tiny box and shit on yourself, and then finally thank God, so I'm gonna let you out and it's like back to your shitty job. It's like, it might be gun time. Oh yeah, for sure. I mean, it's obviously, it's not, you shouldn't shoot.

I swear if that's the first thing you hear is your boss like, all right. You're like, oh yeah, you're away back to work. Oh yeah, might freak out. Yeah. That might be Thomas Net. It's understandable. I was on time.

You can't shoot people, bro. You can't. You probably gotta win the kid or something. You should. But also, what was 1940? Yeah, you get away with things in 1940. Yeah, there was, you know, I guess. He said one of his neighbors killed another neighbor

because he like stole some of his tools and the guy never got locked up. Yeah. That's a 1940's crown, but not even. That's a 1940's just disagreement, bro. Yeah, it happens like every day now. If you do construction, somebody steals your tools and you're like, wow, go home Depot.

Yeah, it's a good thing. You don't kill them. Yeah, but back then it was like, you had your little tin pale, and it was like your great-grandfather's one where. Oh, yeah. Someone stole it, your whole business clapped. Yeah, yeah.

I had a way of accessing bolts and loosening them. Now I'm out of business. Yeah. Right in. Damn. That was something for one thing just to tank your business. Yeah, dude. Damn, bro.

I could loosen that. Yeah. Otherwise, you see that I'm paying Kittler shit on Netflix. No, what is that? You know, see that? I'm very, I'm very, Ozzy Cotton. Is it like a dramatic didn't see that? I'm very much. OxyCot. Is it like a dramatic size version of that?

It is. Nice. But the fact that a matter is a bunch of people die from that shit. And he's motherfuckers, this billionaire still. Yeah, I don't think he's that business. They got away. I left it.

You lived it. Yeah, man. I watched my mom go from Dr. Dr. getting new oxy-tron stress. Damn. Yeah, dude, I went through it. That stuff makes me angry. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that's the stuff. I don't really like it very much. Yeah, you're going to take it per... It was nuts. I remember, I remember, it was almost when the painkiller stuff was like a pro... It approached like a tsunami. People were just like, yo, they're putting out, you know, they're talking about...

Before I ever even heard of anyone getting a prescription, they were already talking about how you just chomp it and break the extended release. Yeah, I knew about people abusing OxyContin before it even hit the streets. Oh, that's crazy. You think, well, I don't know any street walkers who are just fucking panhandling and using drugs. And then it was like, one doctor gives you the prescription.

There's no support in place. It's like the mid 90s. And I just, dude, I watched it tank this lady. You was at ground zero with it, too. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, I watched doctors be like, nah. And then it was like, well, I'll just get a new doctor. And you go to a new doctor. And they're just like, yeah, you're in pain.

Here you go, man. And then they, they like, you know, they hit the, they hit us with a fibromyalgia, which is like, I don't know how real that is. It shows up, it doesn't show up, I don't think on really anything. It doesn't show up, I don't think on really anything. That's the thing, and then it's like, you argue, because it's like, oh, I'm ill, and it's like,

no one believes me, and then it's also like, I read years later that it's basically a syndrome that comes up after you've like really gone deep on painkillers. And then when you're off them, everything just hurts. I thought it was when girls are in a bad mood for too long to get five hours out. Oh, it's got five room high house.

Let's be that time with them. But if you ask me, that's what it is. She got five room high house. It has me, that's what it is. Yeah, it's when moms get addicted to smoking cigarettes in their room. That's the five room high house. It is. Yeah, it's when, when moms get addicted to smoking cigarettes in their room. That's why I'm from my LG.

Dale. And then a Comcast introduced a Turner classic movies and it was just over. Yeah, I think if it becomes not fair enough, you get fiber my out. Yeah, early onset must be nice. Five or my out. That's like HIV and AIDS. What the fuck? Just enter it as much. Yeah.

She used to like throw herself on the ground in like the driveway of emergency rooms. Like she would throw herself in front of the ambulance so that they would put her on a bed and take her in. Oh god damn. Yeah. She's gonna hit you with the morph. Yeah. You're gonna get something while you're waiting for it. Yeah, I don't even like being sleepy so much.

I don't get it. What the fuck are the point of being sleepy, y'all? I hate being sleepy. I hate just getting sleepy naturally. I've got a lot of my body doing this to me. I do. It's a woman thing. Women love sleeping.

They do. You're right. I think sleeping is painful. Same, I hate it. It's a waste of time. I know. You know my sleep routine is right now? What?

My sleep routine is I stay awake for as long as I physically can and then I fall asleep going like, No! And I'm like, that's it. Like when I fall asleep, I'm dead. Yeah, you're dying. And then I wake up and I go, Fuck, it's suck.

I don't feel like all of it. And I wake up and I go fuck it suck And I just like I slam things around to make coffee in the kitchen. Yeah Three and a half hours of sleep. Yeah, I go never again I just sit here for three days Over my wife and she's sleeping with just the most people peaceful expression on her face I'm just like what the fuck are you doing? What's your problem? What the fuck? How you enjoy dream land?

I'm not here in the real world. We're stuff to actually happen. I can't remember anything every day. Like say you're my wife. I get up every morning. I look over and she's just couldn't look at more at rest. And I get out of bed. You should choke her a little bit and run out couldn't look at more at rest. I'm gonna get out of the show batter. You should choke her a little bit and run out of the room.

Oh, yeah. A little quick one. Yeah. Thank you, Trevor, about what? I try to stay in the same position all through the night. Really? Yeah, I try to stay on my back like this. Mm-hmm.

Old night, bro. The most nice I do it. Like when I was in college, my room was like, bro, you sleep like you in the casket. I'm like, I'm practicing, bro. You see what I'm saying? Yeah, well, it's back. It's the best way for you I'm practicing, bro. You see what I'm saying? Yeah, we're going to be practicing. Yeah, we're going to be practicing. Yeah, we're going to be practicing. Yeah, we're going to be practicing.

Yeah, we're going to be practicing. Yeah, we're going to be practicing. Yeah, we're going to be practicing. Yeah, we're going to be practicing. Yeah, we're going to be practicing. Yeah, we're going to be practicing. Yeah, we're going to be practicing. Yeah, we're going to be practicing.

Yeah, we're going to be practicing. Yeah, we're going to be practicing. Yeah, we're going to be practicing. Yeah, we're going to be practicing. Yeah, we're going to be practicing. Yeah, we're going to be practicing. Yeah, we're going to be practicing. Yeah, we're going to be practicing.

Yeah, we're going to be practicing. Yeah, we're going to be practicing. Yeah, we're going to be practicing. Yeah, we're going to be practicing. Yeah, we're going to be practicing. Yeah, we're going to be practicing. Yeah, we're going to be practicing. Yeah just fucking lay head of the pillow. I'm going side sleeping side sleep. Yeah Yeah, I can't do it my shoulders. Oh, fuck. Oh, my bones. Yeah, all my bones are fucked up for weeks after I do that really Yeah, I can't see I'm fine. I'm fine I You see my left side that's gay right side always. Oh, are you cool then that's cool? Dick to wife. That's cool You know it is man. You don't you sleep on your right side, so you're not gay earring isn't on the pillow. I usually sleep on my stomach. It's super gay.

That's the gay thing ever. You know what I did that? Dude, because they said when I was in like seventh grade someone told all the girls that if they laid on their stomachs gravity would pull their boobs down to make them bigger. So I slept on my stomach thinking I was gonna stretch my jaw. That's such a dick of a... would pull their boobs down to make them bigger. So I stuffed up my stomach thinking it was gonna stretch my jaw. Just stretch it dick off. And then I got comfortable like that. Like you wake up and you're like, oh, you're gonna kill your back. I think sleeping on my stomach put a slight curve in my penis. You think?

Yeah, you're a pressure plate. You get hard into the mattress and it's got nowhere to go. It's like a plant growing towards the sun. Yeah, it's got a curve out of my face. Yeah. Yo, fucking yo body. You don't do that. I'm like a tree growing around a fence now dude

Stomach sleepers are the perfect. It's like the purview shit. Yeah, you know The Korean it says it like Muslims if you Muslim you can't see point your left side or on your stomach really because Jin's going your ass The Jin's like little demons. No, if you sleep in your back, Jesus is going in your ass because it's falling from your penis to your ass. No. No. You want to translate it to fucking winged things wrong, dude? The winged things. The winged things.

You actually do like winged things. Damn. Air big heart is fucking. I can only imagine any right this way they write from right to Yeah, I did you know the dumbest shit ever that is very stupid everything in the world goes left to right Yes, and if you right hand that you gonna smudge it because I'm left handed and I smudge cuz I write this way So if you right hand that you write this way you gonna smudge your paper Well, which one is the hand that they wipe their butt with left?

All the dirty shit is left hand. Yeah. All the clean shit is right hand. It's kind of tight. Yeah. Do you have like the little bowl of water above the toilet? You've seen that before. They do. They do get a lot of credit for like figuring a lot of shit out first like math and stuff like that. But thank God. All people came around for. Golfing from the Muslim world. The most the musseys had a great first draft on a lot of things. They figured some shit out. Thank God we stole it all. I'm not sure. I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big.

I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big.

I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big.

I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big. I don't think I'm gonna be too big. You got to go in five. You got to go in five. That's not good enough. You got to slink this everywhere. Or you just put it right back in your pants. Are you? Or you just put it right back in your pants and go, nobody knows I have a little bit of pee in my pants right now. I'm gonna get, I'm gonna leave.

Yeah, that's true, but then what about, when it's time to mix a lot and it's time to pray? Now you got pissing your drugs, you praying to God, why are you all dirty? God understands. No, he doesn't. Yeah, he does. You don't win me, can you pray when he pier your breath? Are you trying to go in there with pissing? That God? God understands. No, he doesn't. Yeah, he does. You don't win me any prayer when I hear you,

but you try to go in there with piss. It goes, God does want to hear it, dude. That's what I'm saying. God is so mad about your prayers about that one coworker. You don't like that? That's enough. No more. You know what? I don't hear prayers all week. So this stuff prayers all week. To the staffs all week, and then you prayer.

That's like, I just got in the door, could you give me a minute? Yeah. Yo, why can't we do that? I look, but you don't talk to me for the rest of the week. When you're a periodist, go say the fucking periodistent. Yeah, they used to have a periodistent. Yeah, they used to, they also used to have that figured out too.

And I think the Jews did it too, or they'd put you out in the period Two seven days. You know how hard it is. You know, we know They're difficult to deal with during that time. Imagine no AC They're not thrilled about it either though, you know, no snacks. They're not through obviously, but dude I you know my ankle hurts. I don't go ruin the fucking five Right, they are not thrilled for sure. No, not thrilled about it.

Plus think about it. And I hate to play devil's advocate, but I love arguing with you guys. Think about how crabby dudes get when they just get frustrated and they don't know how to communicate. True. Like you just get silently mother fuckery, you know?

That's true. And they're kind of just like, okay, he's mean. That's true. All right, I guess he's mean tonight. You know they love that dude women love when a dude's on edge You have the dance They want to try to pull you out of it. Yeah, yeah, dude if I were to go emotional dances dude My wife will love nothing more than for me to come home and like slam something down into what's the matter?

Maybe like nothing Okay, then yeah, she would love that oh my god. I get it. What's bothering it? But then on the other side of that coin is that you you have to be like, oh, and then what they just say to her Damn that's something that's the other side of that coin. Well, she's just then ignore her And then she goes, but that's it even when it's about then you go, okay There's the dance And they will tell you like, just who cares? If I'm upset, just leave me alone.

You're like, okay, so you want me to not give a fuck. So that's the last thing I should do. You're gonna be that true. Yeah, you can't do that first. Don't fucking take answers from me. Yeah, you can't hit a real quick, like not my problem. Yeah, I'm paying. Yeah, once my girl told me, she said,

I hate that you always try to solve my problems. Exactly. You're telling me problem, what I'm supposed to do. I don't know what I, like, what do you do when somebody's telling you problems? Bro. You know what I'm supposed to try to solve? You're supposed to sit there and be like, well, I don't know what you're going to do about that.

What do you say? It's crazy. That's abuse, brother. You shouldn't have to take that. Yeah, I shouldn't. You're right. You're right. I mean, imagine a dude, imagine having a, like a secondary dude brain following you

around being like, you know, you could do it Like I'm all ears What could I do? Okay, for sure. That's the shit that I wish I had that. Yeah, we all some damn That's why like that's why like rule around my boys, bro Cuz like if I'm with him and we doing some shit, and I think some shit is dumb like yeah Should I even do this right now, bro? You see what I'm saying're bad thing about this guys He'll be like yeah, dude. Why not? Mother these days Right now, dude

No one likes any of my shit, dude. No one likes any of my answers You're too supportive I hear the same thing for my wife She has to start raising my wife. Yeah. She asked me to start raising my voice. Yeah. What? Yeah, because I think it's because I'm too autistic. If anything gets like too contentious, I'm just like, this is getting complicated. I'm gonna just be quiet.

I'm just gonna be quiet and think about video games. Yeah. And she's like, you never even raised your voice when we argue. So I have tried it. And like I said, dude, don't listen to their answers for anything because I've tried it. What's your problem?

What's your problem? Even where you're like, you! I'm always talking about you! What are you doing? I'm always talking about you! I'm always talking about you! I'm always talking about you! I'm always talking about you!

I'm always talking about you! I'm always talking about you! I'm always talking about you! I'm always talking about you! I'm always talking about you! I'm always talking about you! I'm always talking about you! I'm always talking about you!

I'm always talking about you! I'm always talking about you! I'm always talking about you! I'm always talking about you! I'm always talking about you! I'm always to get him cool out then you started You started No, I don't do that They really could not Maybe grounds for just medicine Maybe New clear test just their flesh There'd be a shadow behind her on the wall, probably. Yeah.

I'm breaking it. I'm breaking it. I'm breaking it. I'm breaking it. Right now. I can escalate physically. And all you do is scratch your arm real quick. I can't.

I can't. I can't. Indian burn. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. Indian burn Skipper an inefficient push You're spitting little bits of Bob blast interface

You had a great bad breath They're bouncing in the game I think only I think only siblings see You keep spamming crying at me. It's not fair. Yeah. Fuck this. Well, you get away. You're even weirder. Start doing the, start hurting your fucking self.

You're holding it in your heart. Oh, my God. Show me. You're just trying to fire a little. I'll have to spot controller. You're just trying to break it. You can't break it. That's the one that's the high level of nerries.

The parents are going to get you. You're going to get you. You're going to get you. You're going to get you. You're going to get you. You're going to get you. You're going to get you. You're going to get you. You're going to get you. You're going to break you can't break Yeah, and then cry top it on It is it is nice as hell though if you've got a nice pair look at what you're wearing in here.

It is nice as hell though. If you've got a nice pair of headphones that you're wearing that you can pick up and just slam spike into the ground. Do you bounce them off a desk? That's nice. That's nice. Punch the fuck out of the wall. Well, dude, I've slowly figured out

that I don't have to get completely physically floored whenever my wife's upset. Like today, I think, I see her radically understood it. And today I took her keys out I forgot her keys for my pocket so I like walked into all this you was trying to go somewhere. Oh, it's on the phone my brother and I get a text like where are you? What the most you want? She's like I called you five times my

stomach is like, yeah, that'll fuck you, bro. I have your keys right now. Oh shit. I'll be in there soon. I was a quick second to care. So I don't give a fuck. They make me think there was no problem. I was it's so weird how much of that problem I was because I'll come on Like why are you so fucking me? Did she even really care that much bro? She was being a bitch, but No, she didn't she was like whatever. So yeah, yeah, yeah spun me out. I was like oh man

I was part of so much of that by being like oh god. Oh shit You know what yourself up cuz you know what, you think it's a confrontation. And then you walk in like, oh, it's a confrontation. Let me say something for some. It's subconscious like childhood stuff. It's like spas mom. It's remnants of spas mom.

Oh, so that's why I'm like that. Yeah, I get a spas mom. Yeah. If you have a spas mom, it's like as soon as your wife gets upset, you're like, I think she's going to spas. Oh, you're ready for a humongous lady spas guy. Could you imagine it?

She doesn't listen to the cast, does she? Brittany, I tell this all to you. Yeah, she's fun. No, but I'm just like, because I can't imagine a worse weapon than a woman's arsenal than, you know, I'm not your mother, right? Yeah, that wouldn't work on me. That wouldn't work on me. Because dude, I mean, I can spend that real hard.

Doesn't matter. Damage is done, dude. Tril- You're doing it with like a seriously like a terminator hole in your head and sparks flying out. She's ding you at that point. Yeah. True, but I mean, I could just be I could easily just be like my mom rolls. Love my mommy. I could love I could I love my mommy.

So you're true. And I just don't feel strong to me. No, yeah, true. I shouldn't give her any ammunition, but no, it was nice, dude. We actually like navigated a situation that would have ended in like, just a negative start to the day. Yeah. And it's still funny. You're adults, but you do have that part of yourself that is like completely spun out of or simple stuff. She's like, well, I found the spare backup key, so it's not a problem. I'm like, I'm glad you found that key. I'm going to continue on my day.

I'm totally fine as well. You're texting and spitting me out, either. To book what it's. I'm gonna continue on my day. I'm totally fine as well. Your text didn't spin me out either. Just bokeh or edge. Dude, it's amazing how much of that stuff just like, you don't even realize it, filter syrup. I mean, maybe it's just me, I don't know. No, no, you're right about that. But it's in my girl, you know,

my girl friend likes to, she yells over minor things sometimes. And if I'm like talking, loud, in any place, anywhere, anytime. She shushes me, bro, and I hate that shit. Just with a sh. I'm so loud, dude. Don't do that shit, bro.

Don't shush me. I hate that shit. Why you gotta talk so loud, because I do, fuck it. Dude, I get the same thing. I hate that shit. Sh. You can't whisper. I'm like, I'm out of that.

No, she's gonna say this to me like two days ago. So you know you're not whisperin' right? I'm not trying to bitch shut up. The fuck, I hate't whisper. I'm like, I should know. No, she was like two days ago. So you know you're not whisperin' right? I'm not trying to bitch shut up. The fuck, I hate that shit. See, you getting judged. I hate it, bro. You getting judged spins me. I can't say.

Cause these are being really loud. You're like, I'll be fired up. I'm talking to the normal volume. Yeah, it feels like normal, but I did realize my family we all talk loud. Hey, I, it will make me realize it's one time I was out with my ancestral thing. You know what I am, bro?

I am, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, man. I just want to do a really loud. Real, a kite in real quick. Yeah, bro, super, do a lot. But I only realized it when I heard my siblings talk. And I'm like, what the fuck are you yelling like that? And I'm like, this is me, that's the same thing I do. Yeah, that's another thing women can do.

They'll get in and do the printout of your whole family. And you're like, you know what's fucked up about your family? You're like, what are you yelling like that? And I'm like, oh, this is me, that's the same thing I do. Yeah, that's another thing women can do. They'll get in and do the printout of your whole family and be like, you know what's fucked up about your family? You're like, what are you talking about? Oh my God. To all of us, it's really no one fine. That can derail you for like five years. Yeah. When they tell you how your family's fucked up,

because then you're like, wait, maybe she's right. You still would say like, maybe, no, she is right. And then you start trying to like recreate yourself, but you can't. Cause you like damn, I grew up around these people. Yeah, but then you can turn it around and be like, fuck your family. Your family's fucked up too.

That's my, that's my goal too. You want the pretty, yeah, you can give the, my family, my brother Tom was telling about this recently. My, I have a huge family, like especially on my dad's side, just like literally, I think it's like 70 people including all the cousins and uncles. But everyone gets along for the most part. My brother thinks it's actually his

is a spin off of Vivek Cousin who was the first one to discover our whole family was autistic. We had one cousin moved away and was like, holy shit, my whole family, extended families. Like very, very, you know, it's popular, say no. But I think everyone's just touched a little bit. My brother was like,

the reason everyone gets along so well is there's not like a strong, I mean, there is an emotional connection, but it's not like expressed whatsoever, not really felt either. But it's just nothing but data dumps. It's just our family gatherings, it's just dudes waiting to talk,

and then you see somebody, and if you've been a doormy park. Yeah. I've never been to do it before, and if everyone has data dumps on each other, it's like, okay, bye. It's the sickest thing in the world. Oh hell yeah.

It can't. It just dropped a random fact. It's only sickest thing in the world. Oh hell yeah. Yeah, rules. There's dropping random facts on each other. I've never heard one of my cousins say anything like why are you doing this? Why are you being weird? It's just data dumps. And that's the best. You're kind of a pussy and everyone laughs and that's it.

That should be every conversation. It's fucking sick. That's the best. It's so tight. So blessed. It has anything to do with like the size of your family just because there's so many. You guys true, you know, that could be it too.

There's no room for anything to be intimate. There's just so many people. Like everyone's just trying to claim a cell in the spreadsheet. So they got to hear it, but it has some information to claim a cell. It does become like the people that are still alive my family, which is like,

so what else is going on with you guys? You know what I mean? No one's really eager to share any of our news. You know, you guys meet up. Things are going pretty good. I've got a lot to say and I know that someone's about to start talking over me. Someone an inch and a half taller than me, but the same exact face? That is true, could be that. It's like the thing when you're in a big family,

eat really fast because you wanna get like some last little thing, but yeah, you can just be like, I wish the big bad wolf was pretty cool. I think it's pretty cool. Here's my top three roller coasters of the summer. This is my favorite beach, what beach you're like. I gotta go. I gotta go.

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We're at 35. We're just getting started. What a dense fucking 35. We're just getting started. Good fucking guy, we are, dude. You could turn the AC back on it doesn't matter Yeah, can we break that? We're up higher so that he's got it here. Yeah, we're way up there. I got a fucking Burnt in this cup up in the eagle nested. I just got to turn my son into the fucking police, bro Yeah, let's be and do it for both her girl. She'll be 19. What?

Oh, no. I'm all over the place today, bro. Oh, man. You're all like that. I'm like a daughter. Mother can be a man. Oh, no. You're all like that.

Oh, man. I'm like a daughter. Mother can be a man. Oh, no. I'm like a mother. It's about to be another lady out here with my last name. That's crazy, bro. That's kind of tight though.

That is tight. I was tight. Yeah, that's kind of tight. I wasn't having a daughter in law. I was hyper-wide that. Yeah, that's kind of tight. Do you think they're moving too fast? They are. Because they've been, they already lived together. My daughter's still in college. That's, that's the stereotype for lesbian. So that they move in together really quick. Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah, I mean, there's no, nobody's stopping it. It's a runaway train. Yeah, I'm not going to stop it. You know,. Yeah. What? Oh, dude.

Yes. That's crazy. Stuff stuff. I ran into a couple of little of their problems where they're like mapping out their day and she's telling me and I'm like, your whole day is backwards. Really? Oh, yeah, we're going to go to Penn's land and they're going to go to King of Prussia. Then we go to South Street. Oh my god. We're gonna go to fucking Montgomeryville mall

Then we go I'm like wait, oh wait. Oh, so nobody's like can we just please just fucking chill? Yeah, just chill the fuck out What are y'all doing? Yeah, you doing all these different things? They know why you going there and back down this way cuz then back up that way They make those things there. They live in that Irrigation's way off. Yeah, dudes are just like a fucking rock. You have to bring places No efficiency whatsoever Dude, they live in that neighborhood. You never get your way off. Yeah, dudes are just like a fucking rock. You have to bring places. No, man. Yeah, come on, man. No efficiency whatsoever. Yeah.

You know the cop woman I give from a lot of ladies, bro. Like, yo, yo, they don't just to go anywhere. A lot of guys I'm gonna go everywhere. And I'm like, I'm just gonna be on my phone the whole time. You there. So we don't matter. Some say, I don't gonna go fuck. You can avoid arguments.

I just say, yeah, yeah. Are you gonna go to the mall? Okay, let's go to the mall. Yeah, my phone. Yeah, but dude, standing there while women try on clothes. Oh, it's up. That's the worst socks, dude It's torture socks your unit in that moment. You're a unique. Yes You're fucking you know because you can try to cool do it and just be like oh, yeah, babe. That looks great on you Yeah, you know, no, yeah, you're dicks gone, bro. It's socks, dude. I hate it. Oh, are you hold her back to? No, you train I go to back train

You got a person a trans trans chill you done true. That's a fair point damn brah And that's the deepest level of lower back pain Standing in the corridor of a dressing room I look fat in this and you're just like Come out if you're ready if you're five five feet away, they go, where are you? I'm over here contemplating running out of the store as fast as I can. And they stand there go. But again, the flip side looking pretty mean in that right now. That's the most annoying where are you?

What do you see me? What do you mean where am I? Mary Mary Joe's course she'll drop me off a game stop and go shopping by herself. That's nice. Oh, that's the shit. Yeah. That's nice. Oh, that's nice Yeah, I do gotta give it up to him. Yeah, she's best. I do have I do haven't do this. So let me go look at model robots Well, she's just tortures herself trying to find anything she likes and I go oh, thanks, babe That's really good. She goes back. I'm talking to a cashier at a store room not buying anything I go hey baby. How's it going? I Have a decent eye for women's fashion. I've learned because I've been trying to embrace it when I go there and actually

It's actually really easy to pick out closer to them and be like put that on in this on oh my god I've never thought of this as well I never thought of this either dude. I'm telling you. them, I'm just gonna put that on and this on. Oh my God, I've never thought of this, I say, well. Oh, he said. I never thought of this either. Dude, I'm telling you, it's actually pretty fun. Are you going in levels now? And then you can access, I've had to, I just started embracing, I'm like,

am I gonna be a commudian? Dude, I start accessorizing, I'm going, this is great, but like, you need a little necklace, dude, you need a little something else. So you have four dollars. Yeah, I'm gonna try it. It's pretty fun. That would make it a little bit more fun.

Yeah, because otherwise I've been trying to not, not get into things, if I'm gonna do a thing, I'm gonna try it. It's pretty fun. That would make it a little bit more. Yeah, because otherwise I've been trying to not get into things. If I'm gonna do a thing, I'm gonna get into it rather than like when I was a teenager at the mall with like a high school girlfriend, I would just be sitting there like, same, where I would come playing. Like, you know, why was it taking so long to just pick something? When I go to the mall, I know exactly what I'm getting. Why was it taking so long to just get what the fuck you want?

Was that right? Yeah, I've been trying to get into it. Yeah, actually, it's pretty funny. I was like, I had a good time in the one time. Last time we went, I was just like, this is so fun. Damn. That's, I use that time to go through all my group messages that I never talked to anybody in and respond to all this shit.

Oh, like that's what I use the time at the mall for. I go through every comedian group message I'm in. Yeah. Every group message I got with my homies, I'm just responding. It's like, yeah, we said it's two weeks ago. I know, brother, I got free time now Let me answer these questions. Let me respond. That's fair. Mm-hmm Dude, what do you know is a black committee group message? Yo, I ain't know that really lemme

I just gave up secret. Look at the mayor let me know Kill me look at him. Yo, but he's high this anger But really not what are you doing right now? For the record I didn't know that. Yeah, I'm sorry, Lemme ask you to say that. It's okay, dude. I went too far. It's like an open secret, I guess.

Yeah, this is a Philadelphia Black Comedians group message. How many people were you talking? What do you think, Lemme? Maybe 20? 20, yeah. Because I know there's been beef. I like 20. I like the beef.

Exactly. Yeah, beef. Exactly. Yeah, probably like 20. Maybe it's 20 30. Is 2-ray in this group chat? Fuck, no, he don't fuck with us. Then it's not the, I thought it was not official. It's not official.

He'll fuck with us like that, but it's not certified, sorry. True. Yeah, you do gotta get 2-rayed if we're to be official. No, that's pretty tight. What do you guys talk about? We shit on, we make you just shit on people.

Nice. For the most part, maybe Lady Combs get the worst in this group message. Really? Yeah, Lady Combs get it pretty bad. Weird, I feel like we kind of took all the flack for that a while ago. You guys are still part in there?

Weird, dude. And then the black, and then whatever black comics that weren't invited to the group message get it pretty bad too. Oh okay. So it all y'all there. If you see in this black Philly community, you know what I'm talking shit about you, bro. Damn. It sucks. It's fucked up. I'll start a group message with you guys. Yeah, yo, y'all should make a white comedian's group, uh, group message. That's a hate crime. Yeah.

You're under people. That'd be a fucking hate crime, yo. They had that fucking Philly comedy network Facebook thing. That was just, oh yeah, Lamar, why is that shit now? You run that Lamar? Yeah. How did you grab control of that thing? During the pandemic, I was bored.

So I was like, I want to run for admin. Like I tried to do a presidential campaign to be admin. Who was the admin of it? It was a Nicole Yates and the licitris Kowski they were being lame so I was like vote for me as admin of the Philadelphia comedy network You fucking over there. What were they doing? What were they doing that was bugging you? They just weren't posting anything Zero responsible back then to go on to comedy you're killing people They would elit certain post to like he put like a podcast clip up people like no this group is just for shows You like I can't put the podcast clip in his bitch. All right. Yeah, good moves I'm not but the shit over now is beautiful. I had to create another one because they're like they like

locked me out the group and I was like, oh, if you want to do it so bad, make another one. I was like, all right, I'll make the exact same thing. But wasn't it founded on a democratic kind of vote for the admin or did you just go, you threw a little cool. Yeah, I was trying to be funny. I was trying to be funny. You're a nerd.

He took everybody with him. He took everybody. Love that one and what the is. He took everybody with him. Literally everybody loved that one and went to his. He took everybody with him. Damn. He fucked them over. That's pretty tight. Yeah, I like it.

I like it. I like it. I like it going there in troll. I like to go in there and be anonymous and be like, I'm an open-micre. Why am I only getting five minutes on stage? How can I build an hour from my HBO special? If I'm only getting five minutes on stage?

I said, I was like, maybe I should put like the new people ahead of like the new people ahead of like the old people that have been doing comedy, like fuck these old guys. And the people are so mad like, hey dude kill yourself. Who the fuck are they? We're going crazy there, bro. That shit was fun. Did you have a fake name or you went on?

No, you can put up messages anonymously. But the Miriam know who it is. Like, because they run it. So they do it with me, but nobody else knew it with me. Oh. That was so much fun. That is pretty funny. I like people get angry at me so they knew it with me, but nobody else knew it with me. That was so much fun. That is pretty funny. I like people getting angry at me when it's not really me,

when it's really me, I get depressed. Have you been, have you been, have you been a subject of a Facebook beef? Oh, kinda, kinda, but if I'm beef with somebody, I know I'm right, cause I'm quick to apologize. I'm quick to say when I'm wrong. So if I'm beef with somebody, it's easy for me to be like, you were a bitch in a hoe and you day it wrong. You see what I'm quick to apologize. I'm quick to say when I'm wrong. So my beef was in my is easy for me to be like, you a bitch in a hoe and you day wrong. You see what I'm saying?

But I went beef with you and under any other circumstance. True. So yeah, I've had some some Facebook beats. I stirred the pot a couple times. I don't I don't go on Facebook anymore. But I remember I, I somehow it was pretty nice. I somehow got the alt white pussies verse the black comics. Oh shit. I had a thing that had like is that all white guys were being Dickheads about I think That warm daddy show they had like some comedian came by and they were like making fun of it

I forget who it was it was like some black comedian who was on like a show It was like a funny it was like a funny name to see they started shitting on it I'm like man, that's fucked up all the white nerds are attacking the black comics. It was just like 500 Yes, I wasn't even that there was the person they booked they were like that's so stupid like who cares about this guy Because it was like the guy I genuinely forget the name. It was an actual like name. It was a famous person Where I would be like is if you had like Erkel come before it was like something like that like a famous dude you had like, Erkall come before, it was like something like that, like a famous dude. Erkall to perform.

Or something like that. People come in Erkall with Stefan. I go see Stefan, that's a, I go see, uh, what was, what was his name? He was Bruce Lee. I go see him on stage. Who? What? You see where Erkall attacked the Bruce Lee?

No. You remember all the, Erkall, that's a big sense. That black guy made that type of machine to be nerd, cool guy, cruddy guy. That's it. That's it. Where else you go? You know what I'm saying? We're out. Nerd, cool guy, karate guy. That's it. Bro, if you go, you feel sad? Nerd, cool guy, karate here.

Am I going to get to the next one? I'm going to get to the next one. I'm going to get to the next one. You got to the next one. You got to the next one. You got to the next one. You got to the next one. You got to the next one.

You got to the next one. You got to the next one. You got to the next one. You got to the next one. You got to the next one. You got to the next one. You got to the next one. You got to the next one.

You got to the next one. You got to the next one. You got to the next one. You got to the next one. You got to the next one. Yeah, you know what I didn't believe that he was a real molester and then I saw this interview the other day And the guy was bringing up all his surgeries and he was like they said you had a dimple added to your chin They said you got your lips wide. They said you had dimples added to your cheeks You had your nose shaved down and the whole time he was like no, no, they don't give me credit for anything No, I'm like, oh, he's just a bull face liar. Yeah, well, you obviously got your nose shaved now You obviously got a dimple added to your to the guy and he was like, no, oh my God. No, I'm like, your whole position is that, if you lie about surgery, you're fucking dead too.

But you thought that the kids were lying and you were charmed by his response originally. Yes. True. Did he ever read it for it? He never, I don't think he ever made, do you make comment about the allegations? I think that's why he just started having that guy

put him to sleep He yeah, he said it was like a money grad. Oh, as you're saying and some of them were money grabs which is why true I believe them because some of the kids did just straight up live Macoly Colch and you should chill with him He said Michael Jackson never touched them true. He did say it was the other crazy guy What's the other guy Corey film it said Michael Jackson never touched true. Why didn't he fuck them, bro? True, exactly you'd fuck McCullough. You fucking kids. McCullough. You get stage him home alone. Get past all this traps. You know what?

Put your dick in his mouth when he's doing the fucking job. Oh, you do that face you did in the mirror when he was in a bathroom. And then you just nod your dick in there. That is the ultimate. That's the problem. Not for guys like us. For a chocolate. Not for guys like us. Not for us. Chocolate lesser.

Hidden face fucking home alone cover. Yeah. That's a fair point name. I'm glad you brought that. This is the chocolate lesser version of like PUA guys who are just like girls. You don't have guy friends. You just have guy friends who have fucked you yet.

It's like kids. Child actors listen. You don't have chocolate lesser friends. You don't have guy friends. You just have guy friends who haven't fucked you yet. It's like kids, child actors listen, you don't have child bluster friends. You have child blisters, you have a fuck. Yeah, there you go. Trill, damn, booby trap is roller coaster so you can escape the theme park. Trill, you. Yeah, Cory Filman said no.

Yeah, McColley said no. McColley called again. So why would he fuck these other kids? Come on. Yeah, Cory felman said no, yeah McColley said call call again. So why would he fuck these other kids? Come on Yeah, Trill I need a politician though. Those are those are heavy hitters to have on your side saying he didn't do it, you know Yeah, Cory felman he fucked like backup dancers for Shakira or something like that Who are you gonna believe

Home alone? Oh Or you know this guy with a dangly earring in his right ear. That's true. There's my trustworthy. I have a heads of thing. He fucked that kid into being a backup dancer for his kid. He created a career for this kid, bro.

This was a kid, you know, I think when he fucked up, he was a kid. You're saying that kid would have been an accountant? That kid would have, yes. If he didn't, he would have been in a calendar. A cashier, some stupid shit. The Higgle Michael Jackson gave you the magic dick, now you can dance. Do you think?

I was gonna say, do you think it was like a, uh, Michael Jackson fucked the last thing you could dance? Or do you think it's some of those sleepovers he was kinda hitting him with some cool moves? Okay, you're right, it's that, that is what it is. He gave him the shine. That's all he cared about was dancing. He back to the rules. He gave him the shine. That's all he cared about was getting the rope. He gave him the rope. He gave him the rope.

You guys remember, Emanuel Lewis? Yeah, Michael Jackson's the hang out with him. He was like Webster or something. Yup, he sounded like. Yeah, he was a very grown-ass man at that time. Webster, wait, what? He was like Gary Coleman. But he's a permanent child.

And he was hanging out with Michael Jackson a lot. And there's a video. There's a video of him sitting on my pants. He's really legal basically. Yeah. Yeah. God damn, yeah. There's a video him sitting on Michael Jackson's lap.

And it looks kind of like, oh, he's just a kid sitting on his lap. But then it like, yo, he was like 27 in this video. Totally legal. Totally legal. Which is legal. Yeah, that's what you don't want to hear about it. Well, you guys know in anime, right? You know how it's like, oh, fuck, Lamar, you're going to have to help me out on this.

But you know, in Hentai, it's illegal to animate child pornography. Yeah. So the way that they get around it is they've created a ton of characters that are a thousand years old, but stuck in the body of a child. Oh, shit, like fucking Krillin, brun. So he was just doing hen tie with Webster. Damn. Yeah, that's crazy.

So technically, this character is over a thousand years old. Damn, bro, I love a good loophole. I'll tell you that right now. Did they say exactly what? I love a good loophole, bro. I'm on down. Yeah, did they say exactly how old of a body they're stuck in? They just say, child.

I mean, I think you're just like scrolling through thumbnails until you find what you like. I see what you're saying. You go, this is all perfectly legal. It depends on the stroke of the artist. Yeah. And that might have gone by the wayside as well. That was the long thing.

Lamar, did you follow any of that stuff? It broke kids from the curse. I think Japanese high court was like the curse. Yeah, the curse. What's the, what's the legality on this? Why aren't you sweating so much right now? I'm hot. Yeah.

What was the stuff? The, the, the, the anime thing where like the perverts had to stop animating like children in sexual situations. So the tournament like demons like suck you, kisses. Yeah, is that still legal? Yeah, I think so. I still I see new suck you bisses.

Yeah, I think so. I see new suck you bisses. Yeah, I think so. I see new suck you bisses. Yeah, I think so. I see new suck you bisses. Yeah, I think so. I see new suck you bisses.

Yeah, I think so. I see new suck you bisses. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I think so. I see new suck you bisses. Yeah, I think so. I see new suck you bisses. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, And they see any dude a lot of seafood. True.

They eat a lot of octopus too. Exactly. That's the thing. So in America we get fucked by cattle to death and in Japan, Octopi slither into your uterus. Damn. And it's like, you know, that's for me, but I know I, yeah, for sure. I mean, you do a lot of the ones can change their texture of this skin.

Yeah, dude, they can just turn into just a little like, a quarry. They can get ribbed on you. Oh, they can just turn, like, almost like a leopard. That's pretty tight. Yes, like it's now like a million pieces of shit. Oh, you want to change the colors, bro. Octopus can actually change the texture of this skin.

They can make this skin like the texture of what they're looking like. That's nuts. That's pretty wild. Damn, alien shit, bro. I got to show Maya a lizard changing its color. Oh yeah. She was pretty pumped on that.

I just told her about it. It was a green lizard then it went away and I was like, you know what I think, turn a brown in any second, right? She was just like, what? Wow, man. So we can hide. She was just like, sooner she saw the first person.

We saw a lizard turn a brown. She's so excited. Oh yeah, kids So fucking pumps hell yeah, so pumps yeah, bro. She was pumped to be equipped Yeah, no kids are smarter too. Yeah, they're at least smarter than us People talk to them true Yo, you right. Yeah, nobody ever is talking to us. We was little that's crazy We only want to other kids that's all you talked to damn that's crazy. You're right dude to other kids. That's all you talked to.

Damn, that's crazy, you're right. Dude, my parents were just like, be quiet. All the time. Be nice. Be nice, be quiet. They were never like, yo, you see this B right here? Guess what this thing does. Right, it's just like,

Damn, you're right. Be quiet. I actually had to train myself to answer questions from the kids. Really? Because Fritz is six and he's all questions. And if I'm in the middle of doing something and he's like asking how it works,

first it's, can I help and you go, you can hang out with me while I do it. You're useless. And then I'll say, why are you doing that? And then my instinct from my upbringing is to be like, because that's how it works. And it's that I have to be like, well, you know how we plug things into the wall?

Well, there's actually a lecture like, dude, it's gonna be fun. You gotta explain the whole thing, that bosta, which is great and enjoyable. I'm just, no, it is though. That's not what I was wired to do. I know, it's so funny, you start turning, like you tune into that,

just like, just just how it works. That, how's that work? Go away. Yeah. I wanna get this done, so your mom doesn't bother me. Yeah. I wanna get this this done so your mom doesn't bother me. I want to get this done before the fucking game starts.

Yeah. What are you writing a book? Get out of here. I only go there when they repeat the question. Like if I answer you once and I got my two year old does this a lot where she's like, that what's that? And I'm like, first of all, who's that? That's Sean Gardini, baby.

Chill out. You see what I'm saying? Like, don't say what's that to a person. And then she'll say it again. Dead, what's that? And I'm like, I just told you who that was. And I told you, I asked that question. Now, I'm not answering you because you said it twice.

So that's it. But I explained to her why I'm not going to answer her. Yeah. Well, apparently, I was reading this thing and they're saying that kids have like Genuinely no concept of like anyone else's reality until they're seven seven years old I think like if you show a kid there's a there's a seven was six or seven They said there's a book so if you give a book the front screen the aren't the backs orange you hold the front

You go what colors the front they go green you what colors this and they go orange and you flip the book background I will color my looking at they are orange. And you flip the book background. What color am I looking at? They go green. They can't. They can't put it in. They're looking at. They can't take the purpose in an hour and a half. Do it really please. I definitely want to share this. Because they say they can't do perspective taking

until they're about six, seven years old. But that makes sense. Well, I would even think older, because I, you know, honestly, bruh, I didn't know that. I thought like I was the only person that was real. So I was like 19. I thought when I walked in the room, everybody just loaded up, bruh. You know what I'm like I was the only person that was real so I was like 19 I Everybody just loaded up

I Know nobody was real. I'm the only real person So for six or seven is kind of early for you Honestly, I don't think any of them was real till I was like the 19 20 years Little was the realization like I had cheated on some girl when I was like the 19, 20 years old. When was the realization? Like, I had cheated on some girl when I was in college. And she was so like fucked up in the straw to the point where like her sister and her mom caught me. Like, yo, she's really fucked up.

Like you really fucked it up. And I was like, she had like a whole like family and story behind her. Like she's the person. Like she, like the same way I got a story in front of me, she got this too. I was like, wait, everybody got this shit. You still like that? Yeah, that's so wild. I like the same way I got a story behind me. She got this too. I was like wait everybody got this shit I had the complete opposite experience where I was so aware of other people that it was almost like torture for really really

Yeah, oh yeah, I had the exact thing I am had I would just be like No thought yeah, whatsoever. I was I was stopped in my tracks regularly like with worry for other people and like You know I can tell because you still kind of like that now, but you still got somebody that shit would you what do you mean like you're very aware of other people and like Their feelings. Yeah, you're very aware I was you like a huge piece of shit. I'll be like yeah, fuck it. He's like well, yeah It's kind of fucked up.

I'm like, yeah, I guess it is. He always did you know the perspective. I'm like, yeah, that's kind of fucked up. Yeah, it isn't necessarily sad for that person. Yeah, yeah. So, don't confuse it. I was trying to completely brush that off. So, like, you're good at presenting other people's arguments.

Like, I'm like, yo, I got a problem with this guy because this is a net. You're very good at being like, I mean, what night and think about it. Like, from his point of view, if he's like, and it's like, alright, you're right. I'm an absolute agony over my, but this perspective searching. All the time. Dude, I, when I was like a pretty young kid, I was probably like 10 or 11 years old. And I had, I had brothers from different moms. Or no, these ones had different dads. So we got the same match, dude.

None of us matched up. So I had a brother from. I almost was like, that's impossible. Right, no, it's not. It was a part of my brain, I was like, got him. That's not possible. Paul is a different mom. My wager brothers have a different dad. Okay, Paul is a different mom. My Wig or Brothers have a different dad.

Okay. Okay, that's what it is. Yeah. And so my brother, my brother, Paul was into like hardcore and shit grown up and like, you know, he would take me to shows as a young kid and they were fucking pretty crazy. But at there was a point where my, my two different wings of brothers tried to co-mingle for a little bit. And it was, it was oil and oil and water now they get along of course I mean they kind of tolerated each other as long as they needed the same thing from my parents right right like a ride somewhere

Like that but when they were like Almost adults they went to a show and one of my wigger brothers It was a you know, they're gonna see like punk bands and shit and my wigger brother tried to like grind on like dudes girlfriend He's trying to get a fucking wallie, but it's nice. Yeah, I So I'm gonna wigger is he like bro I The biggest the number one phrase that I remember him from him grown up is I remember him answering an early cell phone and being invited somewhere And he was like we'll see we'll see They gonna have honey dips there

Yeah, so he had it. I'm not leaving the house. He had a honey dips policy basically Basically, like, I'm not showing up. I'm not showing up unless there's a honey dips. That's a mutual wigger, bro Like fully scar-faced out as an adult. Obviously, dude. So tight. Yeah, it's so tight. The honey dips I wish I had the confidence to say shit like that. Yeah, he drove a big Buick with like a red felt interior and just like smoked weed in the car on a lunch breaks and stuff. Yeah, a Buick Yeah, I'm gonna say that's also a black people thing. He had a Red era, me? That's a nice Buick, bro. That's pretty tight.

We talking about a two-story-old. Yeah. He's shitting on him. He had a V had a Riviera. Yeah. And I think a Riviera came with 19 inch rims on it if I'm not mistaken. And he stayed on the, he just reminded me.

Dude, every now and again, there's certain cars that white people are like whatever about that black people sweat Yeah, dude, I said I couldn't remember He's like that's the look I had dude I had a mercury It was like a mercury mercury sable or one of those cars Not a fuck you didn't probably would top dude had the rag top Yeah, and I said when I was selling pills I'd always be in West Philly and these do I would come out of this bar and these dudes would

You brother Bro bro how much bro how much I think dude I'm not selling my car is my only car. I can't sell it to you Yeah, that's your first car and in your next car is an infinity your next car is an infinity. Yeah, so they went to show me. He tried grind. He tried grind on a dude's girlfriend and he got rolled on and they fucked him up. These were dudes that were like already spin kicking each other

just come on and play. Yeah. And they beat the fuck out of him. And he came home and he had to be like wrestled down by like my dad and like two dudes because he tried to leave the house with like a kitchen knife. Oh, he's going to go back. He's going to go back to the venue. He was going to go back to the venue with like a kitchen knife. He's gonna go back. He's gonna go back to the venue. He's gonna go back to the venue with like a

eight inch kitchen knife. And he had to be like, wrestle down. And I saw him dude, he was fucked up dude. They beat us. He was a body. And I was so upset for him. I just do this dude hated my guts every day. I'm like, we never got along.

And I was just, I remember as a kid losing sleep just like, damn dude, that probably sucked. And all those guys beat the fuck out of you. Like, damn. Yeah, man. Imagine you got in there with the butcher knife, though. Oh, my God. There's a bunch of dudes like, dude.

Yeah. Yeah. Right. He'd have caught maybe one or two of them then somebody would have, they'd have beat his ass again and took his knife and stabbed him. They would have risked him, too. Yeah. He would have got him again.

He was going with the wrong type of blood. So we're going to, he's got him again. He was going to have to go on take a lead there. So we're going to put him on their shoulders and then look at God with a stage diadem and broke his neck on the commentary. What about a heroic Mosher? And he's like, no. No. No. No.

No. No. No. Yeah, that's crazy. No. Damn. I'm washed out once. You washed out.

I'm washed out one time. I'm washed out one time. Yeah. I'm washed out one. Mosh out. I'm washed out one time. I'm starting to get out of here. Do you want to tell us about your mosh story now? What? God damn that. I was at 30 minutes so fast. That's it was the fastest 30 minutes. That's 30 minutes. I thought it was like an hour and it was just dense. I was like, that's grabby an hour's worth it. Yeah. I think the heat made me if the first 30 feel longer.

Plus some more than the air made the second 30 feel fast. I think you're right. What type of mosh are we talking about? Chubby guys just like kind of. No, it was very, or dudes that practice the mosh. This is practice moves. This is practice moves. JJ Mallans.

Okay. So this isn't even a circle pit. This is just dudes bound. It was pretty. Maybe we just bouncing off each other. No, dude, you need to get in there and you need to start throwing hands behind you. You need to get you to do that. I'm scared today. You were just bouncing off each other. No, dude, you need to get in there and you need to start throwing hands behind you. You need to get you to do that.

I'm scared today. You need to be throwing head kicks, maybe jump spinning kicks. You need to be like, what? You have to be practicing in your room at night. Yeah, I was just like bouncing off with people and shit. Until your mom comes up from the kitchen and says, what the fuck are you doing up here? That's what mashing it. You're right.

You're right. I should've got more into it because, was it never too late? Somebody recorded me. Matter of fact, Kellen recorded me. And then I posted it in my story and all my friends from the hood was like, the fuck are you doing?

Oh man. Oh, they turned you up. You're tap dancing for these haunted shoes. They turned you up, bro. I'm like like yo, it's fun. You don't understand Yeah, we're you ever fucking running to somebody cuz the song is hot. It was then doesn't Travis God have a whole thing about motion He does I think it's trampling. That's also like Black middle of the mosque a trampol dude. I was in the trample pit dude my girlfriend died Dude, I was in the trample pit dude my girlfriend died

We're kind of traveling we talking about like were you kind of dancing on or he just kind of shoving Puerto Rican girls I like it. He kept the concert going though. That's fucking hard, bro Right if you don't get to go while people dying is it you want to get trample bro go in the pit Yeah, well, I think it was like Drake I can't die to Drake came out and people were like and they just wanted to get physically closer to Drake. Yeah, they wanted to stand like 75 feet away instead of 90 feet away and they just murdered Stuffed on people. That's fucking crazy pretty terrible stuff. I mean, you know what? Music though, bro. Sometimes people got a doubt of the song good. It's not good. Fuck it. Yeah, I mean

Yeah, pretty much it is containing that same energy that we used to sacrifice a virgin. Yeah, exactly. Ah! So we take death away too seriously. People die. That was my drum. Drum is our invented. Drum is our invented to artificially elevate

the tribe's heartbeat until you got them to do something insane. True. True, right? That's true. It sucks that we now we use it to kind of get your dick sucked. It's supposed to be, it's for inducing a tizzy. Yeah, of get your dick sucked. It's supposed to be

It's it's for inducing a tizzy. Yeah true. You're right dude speaking of tizzy's let's uh dude plug the philly comedy festival I mean it's gonna be tight dude like the what day where where do you get tickets the return of the live stoner dads I know bomb. I think I think I think I know I have new stuff I want to have a couple new things. I'm to try to do a new comedy showcase to explain it. So explain it. You're doing it. We're doing a one day comedy festival in Philadelphia at a very cool venue called Gallenco. It was a converted old like small Eastern European church in a in a in the neighborhood in Philly. It's it's one day noon to midnight. It's going to be seriously the biggest retard pile on of all time. That shit ever. Fucking tight.

We got Swav, we got all the paintings in the mouth. Do ragging at deer tag, live stoner dads, some very big time cool guests that we are kind of keeping under our hat. Nice. Big time. It's going to be fun. I know who everybody is. Y'all want y'all shit to come. I know exactly who's going to be there. It's big as names. So it's the Sunday before Labor Day. It's seven. The Sunday before Labor Day, September 3rd, go to phl comedy festival.com and join us there. It'll be I mean, I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. It's going to be tight. I'm excited to be out of the summer. I'm excited. It's gonna be nice. Dude, also come, please come to Wise Guys comedy club in Salt Lake City, the September 15th

of the 16th, comedy at the Carlson in Rochester, New York, the September 22nd of 23rd, Tacoma comedy club, Spokane, Comedy Zone Charlotte, Cap City, Austin, Texas, and McGubby's jokehouse all on matmacusker.com slash dates. There's a link in the thing below. The Goobies? I'm on that one with you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm on McGubby's with Matt.

Matt, I gotta give it up to you real quick, because you kind of like walk me through the whole process. I got my fucking first weekend. What? It's in St. Louis October 20th and play first. Yeah. Let's go. That's tight.

Yeah, too. And I just want to publicly give it up to you, Matt, because you kind of like took me under your wing and like got me to this point and you kind of show me that you can just kind of do it on your own Dude it it's happening Change to the same thing to me is like dude, don't be stupid. Just do step you've already passed it on Great gifts. I was like yeah, you're right. This is the best idea ever I'm very excited to go to St. Louis and smoke weed with the Tartadoo's out front. You can go to TimBotterly.com. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Please join me. Let me.

But I want to be in the same place, same September 15th. This will do week, month before and August 31st in Providence, Rhode Island, the road door. Please red door. Nice. Hell yeah. Oh, two off the top. Helium Comedy Club. All gets 30. Gijit Tickets now, right now. We'll get filled off here. He'll come up. Philly, yeah, helium Philly.

Everybody gonna be there. Come through. Hell yeah. All right, bros. Thank you.