Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 460 - Snack Pack (feat. Rich Vos)

Episode Date: September 19, 2023

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Rich @ richvos.com Watch His New Special Next Week & Listen to His and Bonnie's pod 'My Wife Hates Me' Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com YO. This week the D.A.W.G.Z. are blessed by The Legend himself, in all his glory. Watch his new 30 min spesh on his YouTube -- cruming soon. God Bless The Legend Richard Vos, and God Bless you. Please enjoy. Support the show and get 10% Off with the code DRENCHED at https://Lucy.co Get 25% OFF @ trueclassic with Promo Code DRENCHED at https://trueclassictees.com/DRENCHED #trueclassicpod

Hey, hey, now you're fine. We're here. We're here. The ledge dude. The legend vaults. You do the legend. It's so good to be here amongst you. I know he's gonna do that. I know it. You're off the next show. Come to my life. Turn the hat back around. You put them show the mother shit. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Oh, this is how unknown I am. We were sitting in the airport. I was wearing this hat. And this guy comes out to me, goes, Oh, wow, I'm going there. He goes, were you ever there? Yeah. Fucking weekend. So five sold out. It's somebody you work there. This is this is my career real quick. So over

this go over this over this summer like I did first I did four shows on Birch tour. You were on one. Yeah right. Which was you know 15,000, 8,000 whatever. Then I went to L.A. did the comedy store and then some other room down by San Diego. Great week. You know, you're doing a comedy store. Then I came home, did the mothership, right? And five sold out shows, even though every show sells out. But still, there's a lot of fans there. They love comedy. Then I taped a half an hour and then I did outside on a parking lot under a tent in Jersey. I mean, it's only 20 minutes from my house and it was a Friday night, 1500 bucks. So like, that's what the legend. That's what I'm saying.

You want the legend, dude? You're water, dude. You just go high and low and just, yeah. If you go into a hospital and look at a heart monitor, it goes up and down. For sure. If it goes straight across your dead. They're dead.

Yeah, you see what I'm saying? Peace of valleys. Peace of valleys. Thank you, God. I'm a lot of valleys. A lot of fucking valleys. I'm a lowland man myself. Yeah. But, like, I had some lot of valleys. I'm a lot of fucking valleys. I'm a lowland man myself.

But like, pee. I had some valleys this weekend. I thought that new material was sharp. It's not good. Oh, no. It is not good. I did a new material because I had a special come out. And it was like nice.

First 30, 35 minutes of the show was brand new. It was good. The first time I told it in Detroit, I was like, damn, 35 minutes of the show was brand new. It was good the first time I told it in Detroit. I was like, damn, I got it already. Yeah. Didn't hold up in Orlando and for a lot of deal. First half out. We say, don't hold up, you're saying it's like,

not where you want it to be. It wasn't, because I was having fun telling it the first time. Yeah, now I was the second time, the second week telling it, I was trying to like remember what I said. Yep. And it just needs a lot of work. Do you record audio and listen back? I need to start doing it. It helps see now

Then I'll be like holy shit. I'm the worst of all time. I'd be your biggest fan I swear to God I'm my biggest hate No one's close I listen back and go that guy has a speech impediment It's fucking holy shit. Why didn't anybody tell me? Yeah, I had a tough time realizing I don't make any sense 80% of the time Yeah, I'm like and then this and I said things up with the most kids are funny making sense I don't make any sense and I go they I think they got it

Derson you hear back like I hope everybody understood what the joke even was. I think I got pity laughed all weekend. They're like, yeah, go ahead, guy. That could have been Detroit. Could have been dudes that were pumped to see me. You know, here's like, I can't sit down. I could if I had it, but I don't sit and write it. If something comes to me, then I use it.

What do you mean? I got seven fucking albums. I got seven albums. I don't know how. And four, five of them are really good. The last, you know what I mean, they're good. The first one is your first album with her, whatever bullshit you did.

You know, whatever fucking shit you did back then. I told them to take it off the serious. Take that off. Are you kidding me? If I, the stuff I was saying, but anyhow, like I'll write, I'll come up with a bit, and then just, it's taking about a year, I go, okay, I got a new album, or whatever.

I can't go out and just do a new half hour. I don't know how to do that. Well, it was, it was some older, it was just stuff I used to do, and it's like, all right, now I think I can more comfortably explain why it's funny. And it turns out I can't and I need to. But here's the thing, the work which sucks. The real deal is in life is, is it funny to comics because club owners or, and no one

gives a fuck about funny. They care about numbers Yeah, you don't give off. I've had a club owner. I said to this I go I'm the best I've ever been because that doesn't matter What do you sell? Yeah, and so you know if you can sit like I never send watch people do come me I sat For an hour and watch you at the stress and what's outdoor such a yeah, I said I watch a crisp order for an hour and watch you at the stress, it went south to where it's at. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I said, I watch Chris Porter for an hour. He's a funny fucking tag. Chris Porter is great.

You know, there's certain people that you'll sit and watch going, that's fucking brilliant, that's funny, that's good. But club owners, you don't see a club owner, nine out of 10 or eight out of 10 are not sitting here watching the show. I don't want to. After you come off stage and go,

man, that was a good bit or that was fun. You know what I mean? Because, you know, real quick, and I'm not, there was two promoters online on Facebook, they were arguing. And one of the promoters said, you know, I'm old school, I just like funny. If you're funny, not how many followers you have,

listen to people. Huh? I walked I walked into a room in Canada. So one club, one promoter said, I just like fun. And the other guys go, you know, I don't care about numbers or followers. And the other one goes, well, I have to keep the doors open. So I wrote to the other one I Go if you went to a restaurant and they gave you the biggest portion on the planet, but the food stunk would you go back? You know what I mean? He didn't get back to me. So

No, he didn't get back to me because he knew do you go for quality or quantity? You know, so quantity now I was been a big ol' crowd man. True. I've been to the old country buffet. But you know what I'm saying? Oh, now it's a quick fix. Yeah. For sure.

It's a quick fix. You know, fucking, I don't know. And I'm not bitter. I love doing comp. You know, I love doing comp. Yeah, of course. I'm just saying it's a quick fix in everything in life. Yeah. It wasn't a quick fix when you guys, when you were like, tough crowd, I remember you guys talking to you on like, that fan and like guys that were like new that were

blowing off. No, I don't mean the name of a particular guy. I did apologize to him. Oh, because me and Patrice were brutal. And I didn't email him saying, Hey, listen, I'm sorry that we, I did this back in the day and Being he doesn't know how to read I Just true pictures what is you anyhow? You know I'm sorry for that. I didn't mean to take a shot at that.

I didn't know what you did that. He was good, no, listen, back, no, we didn't, I don't know, I mean, it wasn't. No, but back then wasn't the same way though, like God's the love of doing stuff. No, I think guys back then would mainly go after kind of like guitar racks or jugglers or you know variety acts. I feel like how many is better now than it was back then though.

Well, I'm just fucking I'm kidding. I don't know. I just know I'm fucking great. You are like neon freaky on the on the you go prime. You're rich prime I don't fail Boyproof We wouldn't we wouldn't it we would is it I mean this is touchy subject. I know you're gonna get fired up But that fucking

You know it's been able to do that Whatever I I made it through it. I don't even make it through it. You You made fun of people that were anonymously talking shit on you Without knowing what they were saying no he turned it looked at one point. Oh you little fucker We just even still dude But still even still rules we just even still dude

Did that would I would host that for like I'll do like 10 up front I get like three into it I'm like, oh, we're gonna bring the first shaking. It's terrible dude. I would get up there and shake I was so bad. I was doing rooms just ripped like 25 Yeah, there's like what were they saying? I Spend all my tea and they made That one got all of us. I'm still remember that. That was like seven years ago.

I remember that insult. Oh, it's funny. I mean, I was doing rooms with, you know, 400 fucking black people sitting like this up front, you know, rooms at black comics were scared before they had cell phones, though. Imagine now it's harder. It's harder now.

Now you're the fatilist. Now you're the fatilist. I now. It's harder. It's not even close to looking at it. This room, this room in the Permanent Lounge was so rough. They show, they say it starts at 10. You get there. It doesn't start till 12. Every fucking any, any black celebrity in New Jersey, you know, Shannon brings the boxer, a queen Latifa, no one even had, everybody was always there. And there was a comic bomb. And I mean, he was bomb,

and his dudes just walked up to the stage and threw chicken bones out. Oh my God. Right? I had, I took it. You gotta walk, you gotta be done. Yeah, you gotta be done. Yeah.

I mean, you know, we had two chicken bones chicken boned on me. I got you're right. You're right. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'll take these to the trash for you guys. I'll throw those out. Oh, it's just I don't know. Back in the back in the day, we didn't really, I don't know.

There was, listen, if there was internet, Twitter, Instagram, all that shit, back during tough crowd, the last call. Are you kidding me? Crowd work, Patrice would be posting crowd work clips, captions. That fucking motherfucker. I brought him into ONA, I brought him.

Yeah. The second he started, trash him. You're running a lot of time. I brought, like I walked him in, he goes, like through the back and he thought, what do you think you're in good fellas walking me through the kitchen or whatever like and So we got we were on there one day and I was driving a little Porsche boxer And he had some big like escalade and he's going you fuck you guys were doing real well He's going to make he's going you to yourself, he's going to self-it fuck. You have a little

two-seater and you know, and he's trash and I mean beat me down with your dumb Rolex, not even real. I mean, like I walked out there fucking route. Two days later, I send him my email and like the price of his car knew, verse mine. And mine was more, and he calls me laughing going, you're still thinking about this, right? He would just fucking kill you and well, like it was nothing. And then, you know, I love you, hashing out on the email. The email should surely be sent.

He's a Richard. He goes with the cashed out on email. Yeah, this email is so, like, I'm a bit rude. I got his words on email. I asked him out on email. Yeah, his email's over my car's worth more than you were in. It was a new car. Yes, so fucking cool. And he called me selfish. Because he had a big escalator, like, is that cocksucker couldn't stop eating cheese

cakes and he had to have something to be to punish that ass. And I'm sorry, you're the fucking selfish cut. Yeah. I'm sorry, you're the fucking selfish. Whatever. He was, we had some, we were, I was dropping more for one night in Jersey City. I got to use the bathroom. So we're walking to his house and he looks at me, he goes, man, I don't have a fucking thing going on in this business. No agent can't get work. Nothing.

I go, you, I can't fucking, I can't get work. Nothing. I go you. I can't fucking I can't get hired. I can't and we just both started cracking up and we did. We did an audition together me and Patrice for the head of casting for ABC to be the two leads in a sitcom. So we go in there, we go in there, Patrice won't take his face out of the paper. And I can't act. So we're doing this together. And Marcy Phillips, the head of casting is yelling at me, going, what? I go, he won't look at me. How do I connect with him? I can't connect. He. Turn on each other in the end. He's in the audition. She goes, can you two just get out of here? We have a phone and we're walking down the hallway

and then he's cracking up, right? All these executives behind us. And for some reason, I just, I guess I farted. He fell underground. Who am I? We just fucked up this audition. He fell underground Oh Your acting your acting scat I remember that ONA with Read the act the lines and it's one of the fun if you can find it online go it which has palen yes whatever's name has palen Terry yeah yeah they had boss read lines

in it like a show no they snuck okay what you used to argue on own a who was a worse actor me or norton because norton is a blanking fuck right little no chin blind I saw it's all recently it's pretty good no one or no, I don't know what they're that show Colin Quindos Whether it's like the cops show in the cops show it. Yeah, that I saw that clip. It's funny. It's very good Yeah, but yeah, it took him 40 fucking years. All right little fucking mall Harbor head. I'm out of fact. I was listening to my narrators morning coming in and I texted my go How bad is morning radio that I'm listening to you fucking assholes. So, so we're always arguing who's a worse actor. So I get a fucking text from the producer. We want you to do a scene from a Bronx tale with Norton tomorrow. Okay,

no problem. So they have two mics set up for me in Norton. They go to commercial. They go after a commercial break, you two will do the scene. They didn't give me the sides of night before. They gave them to me. I got it. So they go to commercial. I go stand by the mic. We in from Norton to walk out. They go back on the aisle. Come on, what the fuck? Then Kaz, whatever his last name is, Palmyteri comes walking. And I got to do the scene with him. And you know, from a, hey, I, he, guy, it was me 20. And I, I fucking stink, but he will look at,

so I started blaming him. I started blaming him. I go, look at me. How can I do a scene without you looking? Yeah, yeah. It was, it was classic. I did his podcast like, maybe three months ago, whatever The nicest guy in the plan. Yeah, the nicest guy beautiful house and he was a really nice guy saw him at the UFC

And he was very he was awesome. Oh, is that were you took a picture with with the enemy the enemy? You're such a fucking old CNN The enemy you're such a fucking old CNN little I'm so he's such a little bitch. No, I I roast it. You love Biden, dude. Are you crazy? That's like saying you love the vaccine If you don't like steak that means you like lobster look you fucking it you can hate steak and lobster to I agree That's you know, you know, but you do love the Vex. I love I would take a Vax Free Palestine free Palestine. Let's go. I Free Palestine from what so

I'm not anti anything. I'm not anti what's up. You guys love Dr. So a I'm not an antenna. What's up? You guys love doctors. Oh fuck fuck you guys. My you're yeah, you're Roughly you 37 30 question everything Okay, boomers the boomers are like yes doctor. Yes doctor. Yes doctor. We're more critical. Yeah, you know, you say yes, daddy Okay, here's My doctor you need another vaccine. I'm making 25 bucks every time you take a booster you go all that makes sense I'll get it all oh really and every time you fucking click or buy a phone somebody's making me shut up They got to make money to Make money

I Went my doctor passed away in June must have been a bad doctor. I said what do I have? I put in memory on my special for him before my dad my dad died Must have been a bad doctor. I said, what up do I have? I put in memory on my special for him before my dad my dad died July 31 on my daughter's birthday Then my daughter's birthday and I walked in I go to my daughter happy birthday Grandpa's dead Let's go have cake Fucking narcissist couldn't wait a day Made it all about himself. Yeah, then and then we bow to him the next day, which would have would have been my mom's birthday

All his first you know Whatever boy am I a depressing piece of shit? No, I have nothing very uplifting. I have nothing Both your parents that though isn't it kind it's slightly freeing or just depressing? Here's the thing. I have three daughters. I did. Now I realize how tough my mom's life was as a single mom with a dad not sending child support nothing. Yeah. Okay, and I realized that. But everything in life, I I'll support nothing. Okay, and I realize that. But everything in life,

I did the opposite of my parents, and I raised two fucking amazing older kids, both pregnant now, two days they're gonna deliver. House is great jobs. My six year old is a 16 year old. But, I was wondering why one got left out of the equation, I was like, what happened? No, that's Bonnie's kid.

Oh, no, she's a Bonnie like my daughter has, you know, really developed and the other day. She's one. Oh, no, Bonnie sent me to go, has you seen Reina's breasts? And I go, no, they're drill bit broke. But, what? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? broke but a little people I shall clever I am I'm glad that you brought us food fucking candy Well, I'm glad that you brought us food fucking candy corn The guy sells out fucking stadiums here's candy corn Have some candy corn on me fucking high roller

Fucking the biggest act in the country. You want some stale cashiers? They're not even macadamia nuts. They're fucking peanuts. I'm a peanut. It's a peanut, it's motherfucker. I'm a peanut. I'm telling you right now. It's a good comma, right? Get a piece of peanut. Oh, it's a good comma.

It's a good comma. It's a good comma. It's a good comma. It's a good comma. It's a good comma. It's a good comma. It's a good comma. It's a good comma.

It's a good comma. It's a good comma. It's a good comma. It's a good comma. It's a good comma. It's a good comma. Real real snack package Wow, that was where to fucking bridge and tunnel into our Well, that's one of you guys basically invented that's the funniest thing I saw Derosa did it David Lucas was trying to roast him on kill Tony and he's in the middle of one of those like Joe you look like Derosos turns on his shut up Joe, you look like, uh, it draws into turns. I'm gonna shut up. It's just a knockout every time. Someone's trying to get a joke out.

You hit him with a, uh, shut up. I'm gonna do a stupid. Shut up, stupid. Fucking Jeroza looks like a bookend. I'm so, I'm so much, dude. He is, he's getting funnier. He's such a good comment. It's only he's getting the funnier he's getting more of a dickhead.

But he doesn't care. Like he's so good. Yeah. He's like, there's Kurt Metzger. So fucking good. Yeah. These comics are so under whatever. Uh, fucking deroso one we were doing.

Would you bang him? Did you ever, you did that? I don't think I ever got to do it. No. You never did. Would you bang him? No. What's the show? Bonnie and I hosted, we have three female judges

and a gay, a gay judge. Comic comes out, does eight minutes, and judges take turns discussing whether they would fuck them or not, after they're set. Yeah, you can see why I've avoided this. Yes. So, you can see what I have avoided this. Yes. So, you can see what I've gone, I can't do that one. I'm talking a funny story.

So, we're doing that at one at Skankfest and when it was in Brooklyn, right? And who was it? Oh, Ari Kaffir went out. Yeah. And he's some one of the judges said, you know, let me see your cock or whatever. And he's, he's chasing her around the stage

with his dick out, right? It's fun. It's fun. He doesn't think, she did say she would vote for this consent. Yeah, she said, just fucking around. He blew it. Louis, she, he's standing in the wings watching this going,

I lost my career. And this guy, and this guy's chasing a girl around with, yeah, yeah. You know, I mean, that story's been out here. So I, of course, I'm not telling anything for sure. You know, and there's nothing you can't say about Ari,

and he will be free with. Yeah. I think he threw piss on people with that same show. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that just brought everybody down.

Hey, time for Candy Corn. Candy Corn break. I don't think people care about throwing piss though. Throwing piss is okay. Yeah, they don't care about throwing piss. They, no one gives a fuck. The power's about. Also, you can take a dick out of it.

Like the alt scene. It's someone asked, especially like, they do naked roast battle. They do naked shit the whole time. Yeah, true. Who, how? First of do naked roast. They do naked shit the whole time. Yeah, true. Who? How? First of all, I would never do naked anything because I'd have to fucking, you know, my doctor caught me. My doctor Cortman fluffing it once last guy. He got you got caught fluff. Yeah, my doctor

was going everybody does. That's nice. That is nice. Now he's fucking dead. That's nice. That's nice. That's nice. Now he's fucking dead. He's dead. He sounded like the man. He was great.

He checked my prostate once and I turned out to go, that's all you got. He's finger in my asshole. I came like a Jagger. Like naked roast. Like what? I don't understand man. We might have talked about, definitely talked about before, but when they did it in Vegas, I had Nate Diaz was in town and I was like, come hang out at Scankfest.

It'll be, we'll get fucked up, it'll be fun. As soon as he gets there, it's the naked roast. Oh, Barcazi. Nate Diaz, the UFC fighter. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. And he just walks in and is like, what the fuck is this shit, dude? So we all went to the green room and we're just in there

drinking him and his boys. As soon as one of the guys gets off stage, this fat naked comic walks in. They looked at each other. They didn't even communicate at all. All of them just got up and left. They're like, this shit's gay. What the fuck are you guys doing? I was like, it's not gay.

And then a fat naked guy came in and I was like, all right, maybe it's gay. I know the guy. I know the guy. He was the first. He said, I know the worst. Shout Harrison, dude. Harrison walked out and he was like, it was, I just watched Nate Diaz and be like, ew, and we'll start to leave. And he had to be like, uh, uh,

to your naked body naked, naked roast. It's so crazy to put. I don't understand what people think they're going to get out of this. The smallest because the adrenaline and all that. It's crazy. It's incredible. Everyone in the crowds is going you listen when I take a shower I have to put it I can't look at myself. I hate my hotel hotel mirrors and they have those fucking glass showers now. Oh I got a good one for you. First what? What? This yesterday I had some dude I had some grub before the show that was Something was wrong with this check. Yeah, of course. I had four more wings First one went banned and I was like that tastes weird. Maybe it's just a different type of seasoning

I don't know about four wings I Got on stage. I've never had to shit on on stage before what 20 minutes in I was like I got on stage, I've never had to shit on stage before. What? 20 minutes in, I was like, Oh my God, I don't have to shit my pants. You have to do an hour? And I did an hour. Now, it went away, but it was one of those where it was like,

Oh my God. That's where, if I have to shit on stage, this is a real problem. The next morning, I wake up terrible in digestion, like really fucking, and I was drinking a little, not more than, nothing crazy for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, but they had me in this hotel room, that was insane. It was like a little, not more than nothing crazy for me. And but they had me in this hotel room that was insane.

It was like a penthouse overlooking the ocean giant. But every shower was like a stone. Like the shower inside was stone. And then it just had a glass window out to the outside. In the back. The whole side of the wall of the shower was just a window Overlooking the city So like if they looked up and see this giant naked guy But I was like how fuck I feel terrible. I'm gonna make myself throw up. Oh, man

I had a toothbrush. I like stuck it in there. I thought it'd be like a little Like five monstrous Anyway, I thought you'd enjoy that Dude I'm gonna shit myself on the way to the airport. I just thought it'd be a fun visual dude giant fat guy in a skyscraper I don't even shut the fuck up loss Six o'clock in the morning. I'll shit my pants in an Uber on the way to the airport. I ate this spicy pizza stuff.

And I was like, before I left, I was like, I got a shit and I'm like, I'll be fine. I get in the Uber and it was so bad, I had to sit like this. I was sitting sideways, dude. And I was just a little dude. I was like, I'm not farting the Uber. I was like, the cramps were so bad. I'm not farting the Uber.

I had to. I had to. I had to let it out. And I was like, I was waiting to have it smell. I was going cramps were so bad. I had to, I had to, I had to let it out. And I was like, I was like, waitin' to have it smell. I was gonna apologize to the lady that, y'all I'm so sorry, I'm gonna show my pants. So it was, dude, it was so bad. I was flying out of terminal D.

We pulled up near A and I'm like, you can let me out at A. And she was like, what? And I looked into A and looked like there was no lights on. I was like, actually, is that what they do pre-checked out? I don't think so. I'll go to D, dude, go to D, run into the bathroom. It was like before the security, there's no toilet paper.

It was so bad that I go, no toilet paper, I went, I don't have time to look for anywhere else. Shit. And I was like, I'll just grab this. Shit. I'll grab a seat covering or something. And then I remember I go, holy fuck, Brittany put Kleenex.

We had like a, it wasn't even argument. She put like packets of Kleenex in my bag And I was like the fuck am I gonna do with these? I don't use these fucking things. I was like oh my god Thank you so much took to Kleenex out wet my ass Wipes nice it was beautiful. I was working years ago this the comic should Fortwaterdale sink back in day when girls were just throwing pussy at comics and I guess I was dating this girl. And between shows I went out and fooled around and looked.

Yeah, the girl was in the infall and just drove back to Jersey that day. So that night I was between shows I was fooling around with this girl. And I ate wings too. The way is in Florida. So I'm getting ready to do the second challenge. I'm standing and I'm.

And I'm going to be just got the eating wings. Just got the eating wings. I'm standing up. I'm standing up. Hit her with the buffalo bread. And I fought in. I fought in a little came out and I ran into Batu before I was introduced. Rip my arm. Oh. came out and I ran into Bethune before I was introduced ripped my underwear off.

Oh, no. And threw them into garbage. Dude. Oh, that's okay. It's not for disassembly as right. Yeah. Right out there. I was working a club when I first started.

You remember that you said painter pants when you used to wear the white, I was wearing white painter pants. I didn't have underwear on. I didn't realize I had bright yellow piss I'm not He's got Oh because I hear the dial halloween story. No. He just comes up from Florida. He was just a meek regular. No, no, no tea, nothing. He knew nothing about New York. He's doing one

gig as a nightmare. So there was a gig shooting star and yankers fucking mobs everything. Yeah. Times, you know, so he walks out. He's headlining and they're talking and and he says when he goes, if you people would listen, you might find this funny. And some guy in the back stands up and yells, he's wounded. Let's get him. Oh, that's tough. Stop. It's a smart heckle. Yeah, someone being like, he's weak right now. He just showed vulnerability. Get him. Oh, fuck.

You can't, you can't jump vulnerability. Who is that? Who's Davis? Gabe Davis touched down this week. Didn't hit the celebration that fucker. Really? He scored this weekend didn't for who The bills Your your your Eagle fan. I am an Eagle fan, but I've come around on the bills

I you started hanging out with kids these young boys that are playing in the NFL athletes and I love them Well, you know, yeah, yeah, I'm friends with a couple of guys, but Gabe promised to touch down celebration. But I regretted it. I said where the fuck was that celebration? He was like, I got the win knocked out of me as soon as I scored that touchdown. Really? And I watched it.

It's very funny. He doesn't celebrate it all. He gets hit and he's like, he stands there with the ball. The bills killed. Uh, who was the Raiders here? God, I was going to take that. They looked like, uh, they looked like shit against the Jets. Yeah, yeah.

Jets are done. Jets are lost. They're done. They're done. Cowboys are good. They're nasty. Who ever was struck me as a cowboys. No, when I grew up,

doesn't even mind you with Cowboys. Yeah, he's always fan energy. Yeah. No, backwards hat. Backwards hat. Growing up backwards. Backwards hat. Like, okay, we're like, we're like, this is hat backwards. That's growing up backwards. Like okay, we're like this. Good guys.

It's goofy like. No, you look good. No, you look good like this. Yeah, man. Don't cough into the mind. You're like a general contractor. You're a general contractor. You look good.

Listen, really this is what's going on. Yeah, by the way, he's going to wear hats forward from here on out. I always Want to comment it's it's over. He's gonna wait really I'm taking I'm taking fiction to from you to Look more serious probably should I could These are fucking Jordans one of my 40 pairs on the headliner anyhow So I grew up a Rams fan because I played under Rams and Little League

and I grew up an Orioles fan because I was on Orioles and Little League. That's a good idea. So, you know, those were my, but that was back when Roman Gabriel and Deacon Jones and the fearsome Forrestome and, you know, and Orioles had four 20 game winners back in the day. I got pistol peets, fucking rookie card at home. Really? Yeah, fuck yeah got pistol peets fucking rookie card at home. Really? Yeah. Yeah. pistol. Can you tell us some stories about when you were doing crack? Yes.

That's so funny. How long did you do crack for an hour? No. What do you mean? I mean, I was a drug addict. I mean, I started getting high when I was 15. Okay, then you work your way for sure. Yeah. And then you know, I, I smoked it, you know, crack it just a fucking street name for free base. I like to say I did free base because I'm more eccentric. One time, I remember trying to sell this guy's car in New York. He gave me his car to cop and I went into cop and I tried to sell it, but I didn't have to build a sale. So I just took the radio out and sold his radio. He said, good night, you should do. That's backwards at behavior. You're backwards. I can't. What? We were getting lost with those. Dude, you're going to be really, really good.

He was getting lost. From her backwards backwards. So dude, I own you right now. I'm making you turn your hat forward to backwards. Okay. Oh yeah. Well, you're going to trade me for fucking candy corn and prison. Hey man, I'll give you him and candy corn for that other young boy.

Yeah. Could he use another young boy here? This was a great, really long one. This was a great, really long one. I'm going to give you a little bit Corn for that other young boy. Could he use another young boy? This was a great, this was a great scam. You know how they have those fake $50 bills with advertisement on the back.

Yeah, I remember that. And they look like real. And I would wrap 10 singles and then put to 50 in the middle Pull up to the guy give me six vials counted out hand up and take off. Yeah one time I went and this is in my act years ago. Yeah one guy. I go what he got he showed him and I snatch him He's not I snatched out of his hand and he punched me twice in the head. He was fucking quick He went, right, this fucking dude was quick, right? And I go, wow, but I drove away. I was like,

I mean, you got a combo off of you. I'm one step. I'm out. But I drove away and I'm hitting cars on the side of the road. I'm just, and I put like a mile down the road. I was so excited because I, it stole like three vials from them. I bet. And I threw it in the pipe and I'd pull like a mile down the road I was so excited because I it stole like three miles from them And I threw it in the pipe and I hit it and it was soap And the punchline, that's a true story there and then the punchline I go you don't rip me off when I'm ripping you

You punch me in the face for soap. What the fuck? But it was really was soap. What the fuck you hit me over so that's how fuck but it was really was so what the fuck you hit me over so yeah that's how committed he was and not only was it not free base it ruined my pipe do you know what kind of soap it was yeah the free I wouldn't mind hitting some Irish spring yeah it's still good dove that's good you stopped seems like a tough thing to stop. Oh, thank you. Uh, I did. I did. No, I, I got 37 years clean. That's awesome. 37. But I gamble. I mean, I'm just a product. I'm just, you know, fuck. We've all got problems addicted to instant gratification. That's why we do standup.

True. Yeah. You know, you're up there getting that fucking response. Yeah. You know, two more, like I say, two more hugs as a kid. We'd have a fucking real job. Fuck. Thank you, mom and dad. I mean, audience. Yeah.

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This is fucked up, dude. Now it is disgusting. I'm gonna come and at you. They are coming at you, but that's fine. They're right. Yeah. Pretty much everyone does not like seeing that dark. I lived in a time where people didn't care.

Yeah. And then I got to the big city. True. And these fucking city liberals, Dude, they hate to see a spitter. You gotta watch Yellowstone. You watched 1883. Yellowstone. I haven't watched 1883. And it's gotta be the exact same dynamic. Yellowstone. Shit, it's modern. I know, but it's not. I've seen parts of it. I've looked, everybody says it's good. Everybody says it's good. Dude embrace your nature dude I saw one scene where a girl was playing poker with all these guys. She's a tough bitch. It pissed me the fuck off

And so you'll see there's one scene. I was that was the only scene I ever saw She's a bad she yeah, this is a bad ass lady who's like a business All the ranch hands they got like a fight. They're all drink a whiskey. They're like Just another day here at the Yellowstone Ranch You a true you have to watch it from the first episode. I was I found it. This the shots of like it's gripping and compelling. It's gripping and compelling. But anyway, dude, luckily, we can bring it easy, but I get that nicotine thing. Do it anywhere and everywhere. No growth, spending or whatever. Do you read that for the nicotine experience?

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You fucking backstabber. I know what you did. That's city slicker talk, dude. No, you're a city slicker. What are you talking about? I'm from Mechanicsburg. What? I'm from the Hillsdale, or Canada.

No, you're from Delcus. Now they started building fucking all these developments on my land. I was at the ranch. I was going, what the was going what the yellow stone ranch No, Matt you're not good at horse noises Pretty good. Yeah, dude. I do a whole time. Let me hear me here. Good cow Shockingly good dude. I do animal noises. Oh, yeah fuck what Shockingly good dude I do animal noises all fuck. Oh, yeah fuck what do you?

I'm nervous. I'm gonna go with the def cow Like you're going from that. I know it sounds perfect. Everybody else goes move True classics gonna love this adry Now you were a karate man to back in the day really what that you ever see him no, I never see a photo on his phone that's So fucking he's got a Jerry curl He's gonna kick in a fucking karate game. How when you start with the karate through childhood? Was that like a... No, I probably in my 20s took, I was really fucking good too. Damn. I was fucking...

That's awesome. I imagine him on crack doing fucking... I'm torn, man. Shhh. But I wasn't doing crack then. That's co-pricy stuff, dude. Yeah, you're a bad guy. Bad karate, yeah.

Yeah, that was season one and two. I stopped at four. You gave that little kid a kung fu snatch dude I was standing I was like came and kung fu It's just an noisy bus. I'm like Fucking guy. Ah fucking ass. Oh, fuck you Like a fly it's like a fly landed on me me and nor we're standing up out here me and nor we're standing in front of a restaurant in New York

And I want to throw a kick and I slipped in like the garbage fucking juice I fell into garbage The fucking homo You gotta look carefully that's me in the black damn dude That's crazy. Yeah the boss man. I was the man back. Why'd you stop the martial arts crack? Joe fuck Older The star party

Go get me start party in Yeah, you know, yeah We're really all me and all my friends. We were just sitting get high and fight each other all night because we all took Rody and we we sit down. Yeah, it was so much we'd sit there in the basement Do you say there was four of us and we're getting high? We had this carburetor You know what? What pot just pot real high and they go. And they go, we're giving you a choice. And you had a fight the other three. That was a choice. Or we'd go outside. If there was like six of us and picked teams and just have our team and just fight on the front lawn on, you know, that's great. Because everybody, we all took a variety at the same school. And you be was the best.

Because everybody we all took karate at the same school and you be was the best This new you be he passed This fucking dude was so good and then I was probably second because I was real quick I could throw a psychic you couldn't see it you I was fucking so good and then I fucking you know Started getting pussy and shit pushing it. Yeah, surely. Every karate master, the second one tastes the pussy. You know, I didn't you grow up playing sports? Yeah, I did.

We used to do that. We used to pick teams and fight in the basement. That was fun. For real? Yeah, I mean, not like I, it ended when I put my friend through the wall. He was on my back strangling me. So I ran as far as I could back into the wall. I put a body size hole in the job. Yeah, I'm a rascal. I was immediately wrong. Oh my god. Who's out? Was it your house?

Yeah, it was mine. Yeah. I was. Steaming. Yeah, dude. He was fuming. It was a guy. He was on my back. It was a guy Teddy used to get high with us and he had a fake eye. And we're all fucked up. And just like, Puss would pour it out of it. He was sitting getting high one day with these other dudes. And we're just full of dirt. It is high. Holy fuck.

We were getting high one night tripping on acid. And he was there. And we go, we had to kick him out. We go, listen, you can't stay here. Is I? Because you're I. Yeah. Does it smell?

I feel like I know. I didn't get that close. I didn't. Where were you guys? Where is this in Jersey? Yeah. We used to party. My friend had a band and we had party upstairs with a band practice.

One of the dudes used to play with, come jam with him. Pat Nesio. He was in the band of smithereens. Do you know who he is? Shout out the smithereens. He's dead. One day a big band. I don't know. I feel like I've heard of them. Yeah, they have as well. I don't know. These are just old war drug stories, party and growing up. So Alex here. You know, we were fucking, you know, back it before Coke.

And I mean, if you think about it, I did have a lot of fun at times. Yeah. Just going to parties, you know, the best part. Yeah. And then it then it got real. But you know, how to get real? What was the, what was the, what was the one dude I owed money for Coke? He torched my mother's car.

Damn. We are five. How much Joe? It's pretty. Huh? How much is Joe? 600. Well, one dude I owed money for co-key torched my mother's car damn How much you own huh? 600 bucks. He's a lot of car. Yeah, but back. Oh, yeah, what was that two weeks? 39 years ago some fire problems. Oh, yeah It's a reoccurring came with you. What did you do? Nothing. What did you do? And then I did nothing when our house burned down. It was in Sacramento. Mm-hmm. I was in Sacramento. Sure, it's covered. Yeah, but it's, you know, I had a Monet and a war hall, you know, I had a My owner's one rookie card Well, he's doing his bitch start to call you fucking

What do you call it? What was the question about what is that called when somebody sets fire to their own profit? Jewish light Jewish Jewish Lightning. Arson. Now it's called Jewish Lightning. Why don't you tell you how fucking legitimate I am? Why don't you tell you how legitimate? Bonnie had a Rolex, I bought a Rolex, my headline. And she lost it. She lost just fucking sodium sharns paid us whatever. A year later, I found it, it was in one of her shoes, I called it and I mailed it back to the insurance company.

Because if I would have kept it, that's fucking fraud. I'm not going to jail for some bullshit. You know what I mean? So in life, there's one thing I believe in karma for real. If you do good things You know, I do this podcast maybe Rogan will ask me to do his Fucking I stink I lost followers What I wanted to talk especially when you like, all right, this is it.

This is it. When it's just you and Rogan. No, it was, yeah, it was, yeah, it was. I had it, my first time was pretty tough. Yeah, that'd be scary. It wasn't tough because I'd known him for 30 fucking years. I know, I don't know. I don't know.

So, uh, you know, it just, I think Rogan was such a known egg. I, everybody, well, back then they were fucking the thing. Yeah. uh, you know, I can't rogue on such a know-in-a-guy. Everybody, well back then they were fucking the thing. Yeah. You know, they were, and plus he would go on too, as a guest, you know, back then before. No, that's what I mean, as a guest. I didn't know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He told me, I mean, those guys have lost their fucking minds. They were on a, oh, yeah, they're getting a little wild. Fucking, you know, they were ahead of their time. They were, they waited 10 more years. They were on air. Oh, yeah, they're getting a little wild. They were ahead of their time. They waited 10 more years. They could just had a Yeah, well, they were they like going into churches and like well, they did that.

They got kicked off the air for two years. What was the church then? People are going to say Sam, you try to have sectioned different places in New York. Just stick it in and you get points. So a couple went into St. Patrick's gift. Is that the name of it? Oh, man. We're you guys. You're full of God's. You guys, I'm like, they're not you that coming from the very essence of religion. Yeah, they are worship your own history is really weird. Yeah, you guys do just worship your own history. Isn't that who's that the Jews? What about us? You guys worship your own history isn't that who's that the Jews what about us? You guys worship your own history That's the point we're not soven and curing diseases and helping modern technology to move along a society and making so you fucking

Now name the bad things you guys do Name the bad thing Let's sit here and let's sit here and go. Why don't we have polio? I'll tell you why because of juice Okay, why do we have why do we have cell phones because of juice true? You sell cell phones they do all the technology Listen to me you fucking here's the thing he loves this listen to me more no bell prize winners than anybody. Oh, yeah That was my next

For science for science I know you for science. I don't want to get into it. Two people are very intelligent. It's hard to argue with that. Common folk. Very. Two sadly. You know, we run the country, but there's three percent of us. Yeah. What does that say? What does that say for the other 90s?

Point actually. What does that say for the other 97 percent? True. We do need to kill the 1%. Well, that's the 1%. That's not us. You can look up to 10 richest people in the world, not Jews. They probably keep themselves off the list.

They wrote the list. They wrote the list. They wrote the list. Okay. See, you know what? You guys love lists. I'm welcome to the Midwest podcast. I'm a fan of Jewish.

I love Jewish. I love it man. No you don't. I really don't. I like Jewish people. Why would I not like Jewish people? Well not a cynics. It's fun.

It's fun for real. Who likes those guys? Not even Jews. Yeah. No, I don't. Yeah, I can't think of anything. It's the thing is we get blind. It's But what's the religion I never understood the real I'm gonna tell you something real quick what the Jews need for real

Yeah, it's like a Malcolm X for Jews somebody that's that aggressive if I would if I was intelligent enough and well spoken Yeah, you know what I mean? I think, if you ask for my diploma, then I'm fine. Is that the ADL? Isn't that like the Malgok? Anti-definitionally, they're real. They take an ad out and the fuck in the Hollywood reporter. Stop anti-Semitism, you know that ought to do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because those kids that are burning down synagogues are reading the fucking Hollywood report. Oh, they said stop anti-Semitism. Oh, give them back his Yamaha That is funny. They put it there magazine that's going just straight to other Jewish the only Jewish people are eating that What movie are we making next? Yeah Well, another Marvel movie great

No, the banks are financing those movie and who runs the banks the wasp. Well, the banks are financing those movie. And who runs the banks? The wasp. Nope. The wasp. The wasp. Not the juice. The wasp run. Your people run the banks. We're not wasps.

We're not wasps. Who are those? Oh, true. Who owns the most property around the world? The Vada Cali-Charge, baby. Yeah. 144 million acres. Yeah.

144 million. Bipa and Gates is catching up. He's getting a lot of farmland there. Not 144 million acres. They don a hundred and forty four. Bill Gates is catching up. He's getting a lot of farmland. Not a hundred and forty four million acres. They don't fuck with shoes because we control the weather. So we'll flood there. We'll flood your stupid acres and give us back our artwork. Anyhow, the Catholic Church has so much power.

Okay, you don't hear rabbi's fucking touching kids around the country, do you? You do. Yeah, they've been suckingent and given kids herpes are in this city. I just didn't know about that. Two guys. Two guys. Oh, fucking dude. It's a dynamic.

I heard it's also endemic in the. Not you selling good Catholic though. What's a good Catholic? There's a couple of bad guys. Dude, two guys. I don't know how powerful the Catholic church is these days. It's still rich, but it's lost a lot. Well, there's a lot.

People get more, you know, every group has their day and the sun with power. You know, go from this person to that person, females to males to gay, to black, you know, to pay the bills out of the power. Never. What? You've been hanging around with your wife too much. You don't think females don't have any power. And that's coming from a feminist perspective.

True. They deserve more power because right now they certainly don't have power. True. Well, not in my house. I wouldn't be misogynistic. I would not be misogynistic enough to say the war is over. The fight's done. No, I'm not saying it's like back in pre-modern science.

Well, I mean, look out. We don't have fictional stories of his civilizations that had female leadership. Because they really never did it. They never had. They always really clearly met. Gold of my ear. Gold of my era. Gold of my ear, which the movie's coming out soon. What's that?

Gold of my ear. She was the prime minister of fucking Israel back in the day. She was fucking amazing. She was amazing. Israel is no bigger than New Jersey surrounded by enemies. Surrounded by enemies. Surrounded by enemies.

Just like Jersey. Surrounded by enemies. I wonder how they do so well if it's just a small country surrounded by enemies just like Jersey. Just like Jersey surrounded by enemies. I wonder how they do so well if it's just a small country surrounded by enemies. Well, we help them with the military. Why do we help them with military? Because we're just lobbyists. No, no. Okay, let me, I hate fucking spreading knowledge amongst people that won't remember it the

next day. But what I'm going to tell you after the six day war yeah after seven countries. I gave back Sinai or the peninsula gave back land in Egypt traded and no country gives back land after war. That's the case. We would lose Texas. You know. So it was a trade we gave back land to Egypt and what was the trade? What did you guys get? Millicent military help from United States. They made the treaty.

What a deal. What a deal. Yeah. What a deal to give land back. Yeah, to give shitty land in the Egypt back. It's not shitty. The toll brothers could build so many condos there and down. And actually, I think it's pretty good land because I think it connects the the golf to the Mediterranean

I'm doing Israel and can I never been here really yeah for free. What's that? You go for free. Yeah, it's too late. I'm sure an age you can know that backwards. That bro. We make great that yeah Yeah, listen fucking perfect perfect teeth in here. Let me explain So every time I look at this fucking dreamboat. I want to Perfect teeth in here. Let me explain every time I look at this fucking dreamboat. I want to This little dreamboat that's fucking too pretty to be funny Fucking little slim body and his little You'd in hour in prison you're done Pretty boy. Oh

I can't wait you lose your hair. Oh And see you 20 years ago in the fun Mine's going Mine's going crazy that's like I When you find it in the shower something you know and you pick it up and you're going oh what's just come stuck to it In the night before My bad my bad if you if I don't do the sheets fast, it's are good for real. It's crazy. All things white sheets, it's just covered in

hair. Oh, it's pretty depressing. What you got to go soon. I don't think I'm doing that other one. What time is it? 20 after two. Okay, what's up? We're 50. Um, why don't you get over there? You can make it if you, oh, you drove. Fuck. Where are you going to go? Actually, that'll be quicker. He's doing, uh, are you garbage? Oh, yeah, you should do that. Yeah, I'm good. I'm going to try. But you got a special out. No, it comes out to, uh, the 26, 26, 26, one of the gas digital ones on view master. Uh, it's, yeah, you'll be able to find it. Uh, 26 26 one of the gas digital ones on view master It's yeah, you'll be able to find it

YouTube slash Ridge for us we're going to Ridge for us.com plus we're starting our podcast. I'll begin my wife hates me Yes, we're starting that up That is gonna be everywhere. She's very good at talking shit to you. She's funny man. She is funny She you know many comics have throughout history have stalled her style in my style. I mean listen, we're just icons. Hey, listen, I'm gonna go, but where can a guy on his way if I wanted to stop and get a bag of peanuts? Where? Like, is there a place on the way? Where a guy? He just, you know, after November, December, still by candy corn anywhere, did I still sell it? Or only that month of October, you can get it. Oh, shut up. Shut up.

Shut up. Not even water. This is the fucking budget podcast. I'm done. Get a little. What the fuck was that? You look like a dog taking a shit. What was that?

He's back. He's back. He's back. He's back. He's back. I'm done. Get a little mic. What the fuck was that? You look like a dog taking a shit. What was that? It's back right? You heard your back. You heard your back. You heard your back.

You heard your back. You heard your back. You heard your back. You heard your back. You heard your back. You heard your back. You heard your back. You heard your back.

There's the couches and nightmares. There's the couches and nightmares. There's the couches and nightmares. There's the couches and nightmares. There's the couches and nightmares. There's the couches and nightmares. You got some candy corn in you. You got some candy corn to strengthen that back. Well, thank you so much. Thank you boss. Pleasure. Thank you.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Damn it. So I follow. Thank you.