Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)

Episode Date: January 15, 2025

Watch Ari's New Special 'America's Sweetheart' on Netflix Now!!! Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Support Ari @ https://www.arishaffir.com/ Good afternoon everyone. We're back with another cast for you!!!! This week we're joined by our dear pal Ari. Go watch his brand new stand up special available NOW on Netflix. Please enjoy. God Bless.  Download the PrizePicks app or visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED today and use code Drenched to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup

Hey, how are you? Whoa. Yes. What a great start. We're here. Wow, you guys miss an incredible joke. Wow. We're here live with the Ari Shafir.

Thanks, guys. He's got a new special out on Netflix called America's Sweetheart. Yeah, that's where I am. I like that. I don't know how you've tricked everybody into thinking you're some nice fucking guy. I hate it. Everybody's always around me, they're like, Artie's great, he's so nice, he helps other comms. I know he's a fucking devil, dude.

Only when the cameras are on, I'll give a dollar to an open mic'er. You're a sack of shit. And I'll take it back and close the doors. Well yeah, that's exciting stuff, dude. Thanks. Congratulations on the special. It's awesome. Thanks. I'm digging the vibes in here today, man. Me too, dude. Congratulations on the special. It's awesome.

I'm digging the vibes in here today. Me too dude. Very MPR-esque. I think so too. Very low, very. You think we're going MPR right now? I think we're going a little quiet. I like that, yeah.

I don't mind it. How about this, how about this. Say hey welcome, Ari again. Hey welcome, Ari Shaffir. Thanks Shane, thanks Matt. It's been a pleasure. I've been listening to you guys for a long time. Yeah, what a...

I got to check out your special last night and wow, what a special treat that was, thank you. That's an honor. Yeah. When you interviewed Charlie Rose, that was one of the greatest interviews I've ever seen. It's very transgressive. It was transgressive.

Wait, what's that word? Don't worry about it. It means aggressive, trans. Oh, right, right, right. Transgressive. Yeah. That'd be a sick name for like a roller derby player, like a giant lady.

Transgressive. My name's Transgressive. Transgressive. Yeah, enforcer. Yeah. I used to watch roller derby on TV. Yeah, I used to think it was gonna be so cool. Yeah, I didn't know what to like think about it.

On paper I thought I was like, this is gonna be, honestly, I kinda like slam ball. Yeah. On the trampolines. Slam ball was pretty great. I thought it was gonna be incredible. Honestly, I kinda like slam ball. On the trampolines. Slam ball was pretty great. I thought it was gonna be incredible. They would take a fuckin' bull. XFL, trash, roller derby, trash.

Well, roller derby to me, it was like, in my head for some reason, I was like, oh yeah, girls in the roller blades, short shorts, and I was like, these girls are pretty strong. They're gonna scissor. I thought I was gonna get way more into it sexually, and I was like, this is. Oh, you went into it sexually.

I went into it strictly for the game. You went for the love of the game? Sounds like a cool sport. It sounded to me like a sexual thing when I was younger. I was like, oh yeah, roller derby time. And I'm like, man, these are some giant ladies. I'm like, yeah, they are so.

They take one chick and they just launch her. Yeah, that's fun. And then someone else is like, clothesline. You're like, don't fuck like you launched me. Yeah, it's nice. Yeah, I guess the point guard girls were You're like, fuck, why'd you launch me? Yeah, it's nice. Yeah, I guess the point guard girls were kind of. Some of them, they're all kind of, yeah, they're either giant butch lesbians

or giant straight sluts. Yeah, true. You know? Yeah, what's the, yeah. It was like the. Like pinup girls, they wear like, you know what I mean? They have like throwback tattoos of,

from like the 40s or 50s. They were like, I'm blank. What's that weird I'm looking for? Betty. Rockabilly, is that it? No, burlesque. I'm thinking of burlesque dancers. It's very much burlesque dancers wrestling each other.

Burlesque dance, have you ever gotten into that? I've had to do standup shows at some of those. And again, something I thought I'd be into. When you see the dancing. It's the same as stand-up. The low level ones, they're like, please come, free drinks. Yeah. Yeah, burlesque is pretty, I like, yeah, same way.

I'm like, oh yeah, it's gonna be awesome. And you're like, this sucks. I don't even want to see these girls do this. And you're like, take it all off. Like, we don't take it all off. We take some off. Yeah, it's like librarians. It is.

Librarians showing their fucking underwear. You're like, just put your fucking clothes back on and go back to the library. I don't want to. That's some self respect. You don't have to do this. Why are you doing this? Does Dewey decimal not pay well?

Yeah, we're anti burlesque here. I don't like that at all. No. Stand strongly against burlesque. We're against it. What else is going on? It is tight for guys. Some guys do get dragged into the burlesque world

by their girlfriend and they have to sit there and be like, those are all very powerful performances from all of you guys. I like the one, Dress As A Devil, that was pretty cool. Yeah, they shake their tits with tassels on them. In front of other weirdos, like five weirdos in a room. Long haired, skinny boyfriends just sitting there and just. They always have those scarves

that don't actually warm them. Yeah, it's just loose feathers. Yeah, it's a decorative scarf. Something's flying right now. This podcast is flying and I can feel it. We're gonna catch something. Well, we were doing NPR vibes. If you wanna, dude, just turn up the dial.

If you turn up the dial, dude, if you wanna jam. All I can think of is, no, we're still, well, hold on, man, let's talk Hell Let Loose, the newest hit video game in my mind. Hell yeah. Hell Let Loose. I've been playing as the Nazis. Of course you are. He was. You were like, you need a cheat code.

I won't be regular. Show me the cheat code. You don't get to pick which team they put you on, but when I do get the Nazis, the part of me goes, yes, yes. I love it. Shane's like, I'll work the chambers. No.

I'll just work, I'll sims it. True. Do they have the chambers in the game? No, it's realistic, bro. They didn't exist. Pfft. It's a realistic game. What are you laughing about?

Yeah. It's a realistic game. Too realistic. That's so fucking funny. It's so funny when you talk to like old Europeans about it and they're like, like we were talking about the Slovaks, like they took it too and like a lot of different people took it hard and they're like the gypsies too and everyone's like, yeah, but they deserve it.

Yeah, everyone has. Even the Jews like, come on. No wait, who in your family died in the Holocaust? None of them that I knew. Oh, okay. Well, yeah, obviously, but. All my dad's greater family. Yeah.

None of his direct. Damn, just like cousins and stuff. Like 35 of them gone. Your grandpa? He survived. Grandma, grandpa, dad. All sisters. And then one of the grandmas and brothers.

Surviving the Holocaust must have been crazy. It's kinda sus, dude. You think it's sus? You think, oh my god. Interesting. To survive? What did you do in there? I mean, that's, yeah, that's a really evil thing to say,

but this is a real NPR interview where you get this. It's funny talking to literally literally a genuine Holocaust survivor. You survive kind of sus and they're like, what? What is that? It's kind of weird. Sus. How'd you get out of that? Well, I agree with that.

I know. I agree with that one already. That's a funny joke. Just the word sus in Holocaust Survivors is so funny. You just went through, you're like, bore witness to the most horrific condition, and you're like shitty fucking grandsons, like that's actually kind of sus.

Yeah, dude, what are you fucking getting? Is that how you did it? My brother's kid started saying sus. He's like, he's eight. And my brother was like, he's so creative. And I'm like, that's like a term. He goes, oh fuck. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. Yeah. It's like the Fortnite dance. A lot of little kids all night. Yeah, the Fortnite dance rules. They really do do those things. Like if you go somewhere, those kids just busting out the same thing.

Everyone hits it, the whole time. Yeah, it's kind of actually upsetting that like all kids now talk exactly the same. Fortnite talk. It's a motherfucking bull shit. Yeah, there is no local dialect anymore. Yeah. Philly's hold on strong, that's about it.

Philly's got it. They're losing it, you don't have it, you don't have it. Matt has it. Matt has it. Only when I get mad, I'm like a Latino. When I get mad it comes out, my passion comes out. Matty McCartoe? Yeah, he gets fired.

Dude, I'm pretty passionate right now, I'm still off the porn, I've been off the porn since January 6th. Why, did you find the best one? No, I just, gets fired. Dude, I'm pretty passionate right now. I'm still off the porn. I've been off the porn since January 6th. Why, did you find the best one? No, I said this year I'm like, I'm gonna try to go back off. And I went off for a long time. And then I went back on being,

cause I went back and forth, I'm like, I'm not gonna quit something if there's no real reason to quit it. Then I went back off and I was like, I finally had sex last night. And I was like, I shouldn't say finally, but I had sex last night and I was like, shouldn't say finally, but I had sex. I had sex last night. I was growing my beard in protest.

I told Brittany, I was like, I'm not shaving the last. And you look skinny, you've been on a hunger strike. I've been working out. Thank you for noticing. I've hit like, I think one eighth of my goal weight, 178, I'm trying to get to. Thank you for noticing. I'm glad to hear that.

That's my goal weight. 178. Yeah, really? I'll tell you. About fucking 100 pounds off. I's my goal weight. 178. Yeah. Really? I'll tell you. About fucking 100 pounds off. I'm gonna get down on that problem. You'll get to 100 pounds off soon. Yeah, when I'm dead.

Yeah. But yeah, I always- Wait, what do you use, imagination? For what? To ejaculate. I try to- Oh wait, were you just watching porn for the cinematography? No, no, no, no, I was obviously masturbating to it.

I mean, I have watched once, like a couple times. When I was younger, I would just kinda like throw it up. Just like watch mean I have watched once like a couple times when I was younger I would just kind of like throw it up just like watch to see what I wanted to come back to you when I came Oh, yeah, but I was pretty deep into it. But the Are you fucking laughing at you've been there you do it now. I still do it But I just kind of actually look like onk. I am monk You look like onk. I am onk It's fine I like it I kind of love it I did too you look cute Wow

It's a white wife Like a fucking old white man That's not even a 11. Pro. That's not even an eagle. What is that? I mean, it's a crow. It's a crying. Damn, bro. You're on a crow.

He's just like a substitute bus driver. You're an ass anymore. You got a flat white ass. I didn't lose my ass. How did you lose your ass? It's all spot. Please don't talk about the ass. You lost your ass in reparations in solidarity with my mom. You lose my ass. How did you lose your ass? That's actually a sauce bar. Please don't talk about the ass I lost. You lose your ass in reparations?

In solidarity with my mom. You lost your ass for real? What happened? There's a fucking white wife. There's a white wife in front of you. Your pancake butt. I donated it to her. You get the fucking white flapjacks.

You know how you like foot train young Chinese girls? You think you're the one? You just get butt trained. Yeah. They bind Nate's ass. You got a butt train? Are you wearing Spanx? How is it like that?

I just lost it. I got old. This is what we needed, the podcast needed a rip-off. You think I'm a flat ass? We have no topics. You think I'm a dork? You'll lead us on to attack. Oh my God.

You look good. Thank you, thank you. You do look good. I actually genuinely think you look great. The sweatshirts, too. Yeah, and you've been, since I've been back, you've been much more reserved and quiet. It's not good.

Did you get molested? Did you? What happened? You weren't here to protect them, Shane. I know, I think you left them all with no one to go to. The Kill Tony crew molested my sweet boys. I've been running a train on guard. Don't say that, don't say that. Don't say that. Sweet boys. I'm in a running a train on guard.

Create ops. You haven't even have a I had very low confidence when I moved down here. Is it confidence? I don't think it's confident. Sean said it. Sean said low confidence, Nate. No conflict. No conflict. Yeah, I think it's flipping. That's the problem. I'm going from non conflict to like, I think I think I'm turning nasty and I'm trying to. You're getting nasty.

I'm trying to keep it in though. I'm trying not to be nasty, Nate. I'm trying to. I don't want to be no conflict either, but I was I was happier. There's no conflict, but people know I want you guys. I want them to have conflict. Yeah, because I last time I saw each of you, you were, what's the word, bitches? Screaming.

Screaming bitches. That's when No Conflict Nate started right there. Oh, oh. Guard Dog called him No Conflict Nate, because they were, you guys need ops, and the Kill Tony crew was perfect for you guys to battle. You guys need to battle with them. You'd stand out. I'm Zadini now. You're Zandini?

That's not bad. We're going to switch. Why did you get dragged into conflict? Who wanted more conflict in your life? Guard Dog wanted conflict. Nate said I don't want any conflict. But he's Zandini. He's Zandini now.

Wait, so why does he get a cool no-conflict name and he hits you with like a negative one? He's the writer. He's like, no. He's the writer. He's the name guy. I like Nasty Nate though. I'll be Nasty Nate. Yeah, you need to be nasty. I like you nasty.

Yeah, it's not gonna be good. It's not like you're being mean. Nate, I've never known you angry. That's what I'm saying. I've always been pretty chill. Shane's seen it, but it was years ago. I've gotten it. I know, but I've still, now it comes out.

It was funny watching Gar Dog. Punched a special needs guy at an open mic. He wasn't special needs. Oh yeah. He was actually punched him. I did, I did punch him. He asked for it, but he probably was bipolar though. But that doesn't count.

I think you can punch a bipolar. You can't punch a bisexual, but you can punch a bipolar. I think he was actually a bisexual bipolar. Oh damn. That actually might be true. I can't remember. That's Uniphan Oh damn. That actually might be true. That's Unipolar. Yeah. That's Unipolar.

Yeah, it comes back. Yeah, I think it's a double negative. Damn, he was bisexual bipolar? He was definitely bipolar. He was possibly bisexual. What? He did. He got in the kissing distance.

I was gonna say, I think that might be, it might've been a lover's quarrel more than that. No, he did, the first thing he did was blow a kiss at me. That is what started the conflict though. I was walking into, it was like an open mic at the time that we were going to, and I was walking past and I just tried to say what up. And we got, cause we were clearly not,

like having, we were clearly having tension, but I was trying to not worry about that. And I walked past, said what's up, and he went, and then, you know, I didn't sock him right then. Time had passed, I went outside to smoke, and he just, he was trying to fight me, but like in an alleyway, he was like, let's go to an alleyway, wait for the mic,

and I was like, you're a psycho, I know you're gonna try to stab me back there. He's gonna try to suck you. He's gonna try to, ah! Better be, I just came back to the mic zen. Yeah, that's what you need though. That's the best way to do open mics is with open conflict with somebody else in the room.

So then you go on stage and you stand up at them, which is so embarrassing to do while fighting at any open mic in general. Watches. In the worst room, we're like, well, we're all failing here. And it's like, you suck. It's like, you're next.

Yeah, you're on next. And you suck. We're both here. We're all suck. I'm not gonna laugh at your jokes. There's six of us. I'm gonna whisper it to somebody next to me. I go, this guy fucking sucks.

Got him his open mics. We had to pretend to listen until you get on and you can stop. The best was going to those mics that everyone just was done pretending. No one listened. Like, the Raven towards the end, people were just. Fell apart.

It was just a bar. That's nice. Fell apart. It was just a bar. That's nice. People standing and talking at a bar. And then at one at a time, someone would go up while no one listened to them. Let me ruin the vibe while you guys are talking. No one listened. Dude, the Raven, when I started comedy,

was run by H. Foley and Chris Cotton, RIP. And if you like even whispered, you'd have one of them like, shut the fuck up. Yeah, they were fucking. They ran it. They were yacked out of their minds. They were so drunk. They were going have one of them like, shut the fuck up. Yeah, they were fucking, they ran it. They were yacked out of their minds. They were so drunk.

They were going nuts. They would get hammered the whole time. It was so good though. It was just tiny black box of a room and it could fit like maybe 40 people. I didn't really do that. It was so fun. It started to go up.

Yeah, but it was like. It would have been 2008, 2009. If you did healing, usually on a Thursday, you would go to a rare event. Jump you did healing, usually on a Thursday, you would go to a rare. Jump over there and see what I've done with that. It was so fucking fun. How big was H Foley then?

He was like G Foley. He wasn't as big. He wasn't as big, no. He was still a young tadpole. H not Foley? He was a big dog, but he was not nearly. Chris Cotton was a big dog too. Cotton was a big dog.

That was a lot of big dog energy. There's a lot of big dogs up there. It was crazy. It was crazy. Kevin Ryan did a good job surrounding himself with big dogs. It's true. Kevin Ryan really is like that six chick who's hanging around the fours.

It's crazy. He's like, he's fat as fuck, dude. He's fat as fuck and he's like, nah, I'm so thin. I'm like, bro. The whole time he was just talking to H.Folly about being fat. It's so fucking funny. I never like, bro. The whole time he was just talking to H.Voly about being fat. It's so fucking funny. I never even thought about it.

His guise was totally effective. It's a great move, dude. That's so good. Same. So I had the mayor in the pool house. Now I'm fucked. Just a unit out there. I told you about the guy when I worked for an electrician.

We all would go to a bar afterwards. It's where he paid everybody. and he did all of his like hirings there and this one guy came in. He's fat as fuck. My boss was also pretty portly as well. And he looked at the dude. The guy starts handing him his resume and goes, I don't know, you're hired. And the guy's like, are you serious? He's like, yeah, I need someone

here fatter than me. The dude was like, oh alright. Fuck you, thank you. I'll take it. Don't like thank you. I'll take it. I don't like it, but I'll take it. It's the funniest hiring I've ever seen. You're fatter than me. You're hired.

Oh, man, but back to the pornography and you giving it up. Oh, yeah, dude. I wanted to say that the law here does help with that, obviously. Yeah. Because you don't, I mean, if you sink so low, it's to go to X videos. It's so embarrassing going on. You're going on which sites are still available in Texas.

You're disgusting. Yeah, you gotta go through like the ninth grade. Where did I used to jack off? I know it's- There's a lot more hidden camera videos on those. A lot of illegal stuff. There's a lot of stuff. Yeah.

I'm like, oh, I saw one that was just, it said, how old is she? What? Yeah. That was the title? That was the title. I wasn't even searching anything. That was just on the menu. Yeah, they throw you crazy shit.

That was a curveball. And I was like, what the? How old is she? Well, you should investigate it. I don't know. I should find out. Yeah. So producers going like, we don't know.

We'd love to find out. There's only one way to find out. That didn't feel like 16 on my jerk. That felt weird. Yeah, that's... But that law that they passed, it is helpful. I think it's good, yeah, it makes perfect sense. When they went to pass the law, you protested.

Any other time, you'd be like, yeah, go ahead, get rid of it, until you're horny. Yeah. Then when you're horny, you go, what the fuck have they done? That's what I'm saying. What have they taken from us For me and again, I haven't you know I haven't been tested now and like alone in hotel room That's the ultimate that's like I mean in my house easy

I mean, you know obviously it takes some effort, but easy enough, but like Dude, yeah, yeah that shit's impossible now that I'm off of though And when you're when you're married though, it's like, if you have porn, it gives you like a little trench. Where like if you're fighting, you could be like, and just go beat off and then keep the fight going. But if you're charged up, it's your trench. You can just be like, psh.

Yeah, you go back to the foxhole. I don't need you. Yep, I don't need, fuck you, blah, blah, blah. Dude, I was on a, it was basically a 10 day, it was like a 10 day hold in. And I was on a It was basically a 10-day Yeah It was like a 10-day hold-in and I was like we were like it was like a mild beef regular stuff and I wanted to be mad so badly and she just touched me last night and I was

Diamond-hard and we had it to settle the beef immediately and I was like, yep porn is definitely everything So I've doubled down on poor. I'm off porn. Are you using your imagination? If I if I think so low ass to hurt myself in masturbation, yes. But yeah, no, I try not to masturbate at all. I mean, I'm not gonna be a psycho about it. If I really can't sleep, I'll just do it. But it's not like a shame thing, but it definitely is a relationship enhancer.

Yeah. Almost too much. I was telling Spud today, I was like, dude, I was telling him like, I had this like almost like mystical experience having sex after like no porn for weeks, holding it in. I'm like, it almost got, I got so carried away, I almost ordered up the third. I was on the verge of sending, of just CPing last night. What is that? What is CP?

Cream pie. Creating another kid. I have two kids. I last night was so charged. I was like, other people fucking do that. Okay. I was like, yes, could be a lot of slang, a lot of street. I was using a lot of street considering a pie. I was I was and I know it you know, now it's like been so long. She's ovulating. She's putting balls on me. I'm like, okay, you're obvious Yeah, so I was in the window sill and you were gone. I Was about to I?

Was like the pie Doing I was in my bad. I thought we're on the same wavelength here. I Real had like it was I mean it's embarrassing to talk about I had to get genuinely you need to say profound experience I need me there to pull your hips. I needed you there to pull me out. I was so resolute. I was like, no fucking way. And last night, all I did was go off the porn for two weeks.

I was like, it has to be done. I was like, what the fuck? What are you doing? I was like, oh, sorry about that. It must be done. So I got a little too horny off the board. I swear it's been valid. The three point one four.

Yeah, it was time to seven, three, seven, seven. Repeating. It was fucking time, bro. It was pie squared. But yeah, that was making it was actually it was just like a cool realization. Like, yeah, you see what porn does in a relationship and you're like it is not good And you can remember this when you're back on I hope I mean look I don't get that's the thing I don't beat myself up dude if I fucking What's right take it out because the no-fap thing was crazy. I'm like dude. It's crazy to be like

I'm just never gonna come ever again, but then you know to be like yeah, just fucking jerk off the porn I'm like it's equally as weird because it's just not good for you You just see fake ladies and come all the time. It's not good for you. So you shouldn't be seen wild ladies Yeah, this isn't even like a normal. Yeah, exactly. I'm saying so, you know, I I'm not like, I'm not coming from like a moral, like you're wrong if you do that. I'm sure I'm all about optimization. Like what's optimal. Last time I tried it was a month. It started, it was in Edinburgh, started in Ireland and it was one night. Some old skank was like, I was like, nah, but then I was like, should've cause like three days later I'm like,

I'm not beating off no point or nothing. And then like two weeks later, I was like just open to meeting people. Yeah. I was like, you want to hang out? I was like, yes, I nothing. And then like two weeks later, I was like, just open to meeting people. And he was like, you wanna hang out? I was like, yes, I do. Let's hang out. I'd like to. I'd love to talk to you. Let's go out.

Yeah. So Ari, you've got the new special coming out. You were just in the blockbuster, Nosferatu. What else, what's next? Nosferatu's sucked. You were Nosferatu? Yeah, he was Nosferatu. I was Nosferatu, yeah.

Yeah. What's next for Ari? Yeah, he was Nasrata. I was Nasrata, yeah. Yeah. What's next for our interview? That's very funny. That's Far-ata. All right, all right. I thought the movie was about Africa when I heard the title of it. It was Far-ata.

It's a fair guess. Yeah, I thought it was like, I was like, oh cool, like, you know. I thought it was some like, lying, I swear to God, I'm not being silly, I thought it was The Lion King spinoff. I was like, let's see what Nasrata is. I thought it was like Mufasa's brand name.

It was a lot about gay fucking. Yeah, I'd be like, what the hell? It was gay sex, I think. It was a lot about gay fucking. I was like, what the hell? It was gay sex, really? It was a lot about gay, innuendo gay fucking. Oh, dang. I was excited to see that. Remember that Salt Lake City documentary about that guy who stole that kid and fucked her,

and then the parents are like, hey, where's our kid? Yes, hilarious. And then he fucked the mom. You know what I mean. Yeah. And then later the dad was like, he brought me in the car and I don't want to sit. The dad jacked him off, dude.

You told me about that. He just like fucked the whole I don't want to say it. The dad jacked him off, dude. You told me about that. He just like fucked the whole family. He fucked an entire family. The guy ruled. And then kidnapped a daughter or something. Was that the same one where he was like, I'm an alien? Yeah, I think so.

Put him in the back of an RV with like a walkie talkie and was like, this is from outer space, you have to have sex. That is, Utah was a good place to run that. You can trick the, yeah. They're pretty alien to us. The Utes, the Utes, yeah. But that's what knows no sirat to us pretty much. He's fucking everybody. Well, I can't I'm all jealous So what are you fucking vampire?

Yeah, but everywhere else is horny and then it was all about like love triangle and like here's here's a question If you were a vampire immortal unless obviously somebody put a snake through your heart. Yeah Would you have gay sex after like 700 years? Yeah, it's like prison, right? You're like no, no, no, no, no, it's not like prison because the prison you only have the option of gay sex Yeah, but you've you know, you justified that quick, bro You're in a prison of eternity I know you get bored and you're like none of this matters There's no guy. I'm not going to heaven true parts out. Yeah, but also you're a vampire. You're very gay Yeah, that's the other thing vampire. You're very gay.

Yeah, that's the other thing too. You've got to just get lying around. At least be by as a vampire. Yeah, it is kind of weird for a vampire to be like, no, dude, I'm totally. Just get a buzz at the tailgate. Yeah, I wonder about that. If you were that old because if nasa rati was really just fucking sticking to do the whole village I wonder what you would do

You'd give it up. Yeah true. And then you if you were like a villager like I'm gonna fuck knows for all to What if you were not for what if you're immortal and you're like, you know I just want to die so bad and then eventually you bought him out and you're like you stick around for like 2,000 more Just get like a job Yeah, yeah, does he he just appears in people's rooms at night or something. No, they had to go find him He appeared in this one chick spoiler He had cheered at this one chicks dreams and and like fucked her which probably was like 11 or something But like adult like then Romania adult probably 13 and then in the movies

In the yeah, and then like disappeared but pretty much just subtext going wait for me I'll test you she goes I will and then 30 years he's gone So like well, I found another guy and he was like, nah, that's not cool And then calls for that other guy. And fucks the guy. Fucks and bleeds him. Oh, sick. Well, little fucky sucky. Little fucking suck.

Yeah. And then just so he can tell the ladies, like, oh, your husband, he's not. That would turn a chick on though, if you're like, yeah, I fucked that guy. I fucked your husband and killed him. I fucked your husband. Didn't kill him, sent him back.

As like a bitch, as like a punk. That's what I'd say in prison, right, Nate? Is it punk? Did you see Nas Faradji? Is that the term, punk? Yeah, it's a punk. Yeah. It's a punk.

I ain't no punk, I'm a, you a new fool. You had a punk in jail, did you ever, I watched a documentary about, it was like basically prison sex, and they were saying how, that's like a big status in jail. Yeah, what? My brother said it to me.

It was the funniest, it was all about getting boys. If you're in jail, if you had like five boys, it was like a sign of status. You just get like punks basically underneath you. You could like loan them out for money, or like a lot of these dudes would fall in love with like their top punk. Wow. Jesus Christ.

It was fucked, dude. It was, there was one part, I don't wanna ruin the vibe. You love it. I don't wanna ruin the vibe, but like you're watching this guy and he's just like, yeah man, this is why I came here and I just, I'm just this guy's bitch and like we fell in love and they had this whole,

then you find out it is, they go interview his father of the kid who's a punk in jail and they're like telling the dad what's going on and he's like, yeah, I just, man, I really just hope he gets out of there and straightens out his life. And then apparently what happened was the guy was on drugs and just like ran a kid over.

So he's just like, yeah, I'm just gonna stay high and stay in jail forever and just be a punk. I was like, damn, that's so sad. You ran a kid over and felt bad about it, like the machinist? The what? He felt bad. He was, yeah.

I'm sure he was like, I'd rather be in there. He's like, as soon as I get sober, I like just think about my life and it's literally that unbearable and I just have to be high But it's fucked up. They went to his dad and like your son's like someone's boyfriend in fucking jail. Yeah Fuck guys, man. I just want him to straighten his life out So sad that's so sad. Yes, sir. Sir Was a top boy though, he was like procuring other boys and shit. Oh, it was Jizz Lane.

Jizz Lane, yeah. Yeah, he was. He was. He was Jizz Lane. That's what they call his butt. The Jizz Lane. Nice. You know, SPR.org?

What's that? It's supposed to be for like understanding and stuff, but it's SPR, stopprisonrape.org. And it was just like Survivors Tales and stuff. You're not supposed to laugh for months at a time at it, but it's sbr, stopprisonrape.org. And it was just like survivor's tales and stuff. You're not supposed to laugh for months at a time at it, but yeah, it's like poems and stuff. There's a poem about the number seven,

the seventh guy to gang rape him, and he goes, that's when I fell in love, because he was nice. Oh my God. He whispered, he whispered, this will be over soon. And he goes, oh, this guy cares. Holy shit. Yeah, it's really crazy, man.

They get in there and they go full girlfriend mode. And it's like, and dudes are just like kinda pumped to be a girlfriend. Which, quick to be. It sucks that that's what it is and it's not Shotcaller. What do you mean? You know what I mean, the movie Shotcaller,

the guy gets a DUI and becomes the head of the Nazis. That's everybody's dream. Every white man's dream is one day I'll get a DUI and become the head Nazi in a prison. Yeah, cuz you have to but in reality You're gonna get a DUI and just be a punk and You don't have to be a punk. That's the thing. You don't have to know you don't have to be a part You look like what if you're good looking? Yeah, if you're looking good, you better be able to fight. I'd be punked. No way you think you what's the nod you?

No, just definitely not you. Oh, you think guys would fuck you I hope not I hope not Shane. I'm not looking for it, but you said you'd be punk You'd be a feel like I would of the three of us. No you first you said you're the most handsome How would you avoid it? I would just go mad. I'll go white boy crazy Yeah, I was go absolutely white boy crazy. Oh, you'd be fucked in there You'd be fucked in there. Like Klinger from Ash? You'd get fucked in there. I know.

I'm like, I'm bald. You get the special diet though. That's like a special diet you can get in jail that's highly coveted. What? The Jewish meal plan. Oh, the kosher. Yeah, you can do the kosher, you can do the Muslim.

So you actually get a pretty coveted meal plan. So you might be able to. Trade that? Yeah. Who wants to get filter fish for protection? Yeah, what does happen to the Jews in there that you just have to join the Aryan brotherhood? No, they don't want them. And the blacks don't want them.

You're technically others. But I think a lot of Jews probably join up with white people and they use to kind of keep it like I had. I'm with those amazing races videos. So a white power website found it, the white white revolution dot com. And so they loved it. But also they didn't love this. So the headline was Jew boys got the white revolution.com and so they loved it but also they didn't love this so the headline was Jew boys got the right idea

yeah that's a nice title yeah Jew man would have been nice but come on some respect put some respect on her name yeah Yeah, that's a cool, that's funny to like wake up in the mornings, read like the White Revolution. Wake up and go, oh nice, some publicity. Yeah. Oh. All right. Hail, motherfucker.

Storm, what's the Stormfront? Stormfront. What's Stormfront? Isn't that the, that's the White Nationalist, like. Is it really? Yeah. That's their like publication? I think so. This is really? Yeah. That's their publication? I think so.

What else we got going on? Ha. Not much, I was just in fucking Rapture last night. It was kind of nice. Sexual Rapture? Yeah, dude, I haven't felt like that, man. That was crazy. To have like a genuinely,

I've never had a powerful, spiritually powerful. Touching dudes, Stratford. Yeah, dude. Yeah, and then the pie. Almost. Almost pie. the pie. Almost. Almost pie. Near pie. Did you put the last part in just for like a little,

you know, a little like leftover touch? No, no, no, no. You're talking about like, and then just kind of going back in? Yeah. No. I would have. I was a, dude, I was a rabid dog.

I had full, I had full like iguana eyes, just like. Ew, man. I do, I didn't realize, I didn't know what I was setting myself up into man. You don't know really who you are until you've held it in like that. Then all of a sudden it was crazy. You know how conflicted I was?

How long did you hold it in? Really only like 10 days. That's a reasonable amount. That's a long time. That's what I'm saying. It was reasonable and it was yeah, I was just taking some maca so I've been waking up. Oh yeah, you've been getting.

Yeah, Maka root, dude. If you take Maka root. You're performance enhancing. You've been performance enhancing. Yeah, a little bit. If you take Maka root, dude, it's crazy. You wake up just like steel beam. What?

Can we start right now? We can go get it. Don't get hard now. I'll get hard right now. Let's get hard. Don't get hard, Artie. Let's change the arc of this Yeah, that'd be pretty tight. I don't know. Yeah, I just what's these guys are battling You're you've got bonus You've got a special

Pretty much But don't you think they should have ops? These guys yeah, I think there should be some conflict with us. What's ops opposition? They should be battling the other They're their contemporaries. Yeah, watch it. It's a two-part rough out here. We do that. It'll be a bloodbath There'll be no peace in the streets. We can't have that Guarantee, that's my other new thing Gardini guarantees what like what have you applied that to? If we get ops, we're gonna have to kill them all.

That's a Gardini guarantee. That's a Gardini guarantee. Even though I'm Zendini, I will resort to violence. If they're trying to take me off the righteous path, I will have to resort to violence, but otherwise I am Zendini. And that's the Gardini guarantee. Yeah, who do you think you'd match up with in the squad,

the Kill Tony squad versus you guys? Maybe like Aaron Belial. It's gotta be, it's your versus Belial. Belial's the man, dude, he might fuck you up. I know, he's cool. He ain't gotta do shit to you. I think I could take him. Ari Matty versus James McCann.

We gotta battle our foreigners. Yeah, the foreigners. Nate versus Hans Kim. Where's Cam Patterson go? Cam, I mean, I guess LaMare. Yeah, Cam. LaMare's gonna have to take a couple because we're outnumbered.

Yeah, well finish off Belisle fast. Yeah. And then go help somebody else. And there's, and the four other ones too. I mean, LaMare's getting winded fast. No, he's the juggernaut. They come in handy. He could take out like four of them Just run at them with his hands. Yeah, that's the Gardini guarantee. It's a good guarantee. That's what I'm talking about

What the hell I did have it I had a subject to talk about I was hoping you had a subject I had kind of had a so I got his hell. They lose your subject master. I yeah I did want to talk to you about the Penn State coach What the hell what was that about? The guy's hairline or something yeah, he was he was hitting him with like you're not in a con you're a young guy He's like I'm an old guy been around what you've done is pretty impressive so far good job, son Fuck off. He beat him. Yeah, what was he negative? Like what was he what was he saying about the coach? The coach has a straight.

He was just saying, oh, I wish I had hair like that. He's like, how old are you, man? God damn, so nice, you're so young. That's pretty funny. Just kind of like. Kind of a nice psych out. I think he might have been trying to get in his head. That's a nice psych out.

Yeah, that's kind of nice. Because you know he feels that. I don't belong, I don't belong. I lost to Northern Illinois University. Matt, have we discussed that clip? What? You called it. What? When Notre Dame lost to Northern Illinois. Yeah, they're we discussed that clip? What? You called it. What?

When Notre Dame lost to Northern Illinois. Yeah, they're gonna fucking come back here. They're sitting there going, fucking shit's over. Yeah, you called me a girl. Gotta burn it down. I said this is a girlfriend opinion, but I also did say I agree with it.

Yeah, true, true, true. I was like, right now you're giving me a girlfriend? Because after the loss, I was like, this is like a season, this is like a five year loss. This is gonna cost us. It's not just you lost to Clemson. Yeah, I thought it was like, the program's fucked for five years.

If not for the 12th team playoff. And then Matt was like. It's galvanizing moment. Matt was like, or they could come together in a, in unity with this Lope, this shared depression, and rise out of it and go undefeated. That's what he said at the press conference. I was like, Matt, I love you,

but that's a girlfriend opinion. And then I said, also, deep down inside, yes, I 100% believe that that is what is going to happen. You see him at the press conference after Penn State, he was saying that about you, and whatever. And he was literally exactly what Matt said. He was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he

was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was to like the stars and he goes like I'll take an answer this one and it's just two children That's the quarterback. It's so funny. Christian boy. Really? A young boy just having fun for the Lord. That's awesome That's why they're winning obviously. They're not masturbating. They're not watching porn. They're not having sex. I don't want to comment on the boys

They're not watching porn. They're not having sex. I don't think they are. I don't want to comment on the boys' jacket. It starts right now. Matt, hit them with this. PrizePix is the best place to get real money sports action with over 10 million members and billions of dollars in awarded winnings. You didn't say billions.

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Hello in front of the fucking camera and talk. Yeah, get up there. Hello everybody. I'll be in St. Petersburg, Florida on February 13th and 14th at Coastal Creative in Las Vegas, Nevada at Wise Guys Comedy Club at February 28th and March 1st, please come to that if you can Sean Gardini calm it'll be a good show and that's the Gardini John. It's too long

Yeah, and the optimum knocked his first Tuesday of every month at Creek in the cave with me Nathan Marshall and Lamailey Guys, I'll be at the funny bone Liberty Township, Ohio January 24th, Dania Beach, Florida, February 6th, Columbus, Ohio, Royal Oaks, Michigan, Omaha, Nebraska. Please just go to mattmcusker.com for tickets. Thank you very much. March 20th, I'll be in Manchester in the UK. I was supposed to only do Dublin in London, but my

Greedy agents wanted me also to do another show. So I'm doing an arena in Manchester on a Thursday Please come It's gonna be awesome. It is gonna be fun. But no I'm trying to think uh, what's going on? Fired up you got anything weird. What are you reading? I know you're reading something right now. I'm doing a think. Matt, what's going on? Fired up. You got anything weird? What are you reading? I know you're reading something. Right now, I'm doing a lot of research right now. What do you research? I've been reading a lot about, I'm reading

arguments for tradition. I just stumbled upon this book. It's called The Sword of Gnosis. And they just like. Tried husband? Hm? Tried husband? Not tried husband.

Although, I mean, I'm sure they'd be down for tried husband. I'm just reading an academic book about guys slamming Vatican II. And I think Mel Gibson was just fucking slamming Matt Oh really? Yeah, they're just talking about how it was like such a gigantic mistake for the priest to face the congregation Renazzi's mom and dad told me that because they had back in three they were like people were upset and like we remember our parents Going that's not Christianity. You know a such that's that's crazy. Was Vatican II in like the 30s? When was that?

50s or 60s, 70s or 60s I thought. Oh, okay. Yeah, they just one day turned around and everyone was like, what the fuck? Yeah, all right. Yeah. And the priest went, ooh. Yeah, he went, I like you.

God damn. I didn't know what was going on in here. I know, it's popular. How old are they? Like, that was the big come up of Vatican II, was just turn around. That was the big. And Latin, it was Latin turn around that was the big and Latin it was Latin mass Yeah, you can from Latin to English the idea was you were watching a guy the altar was supposed to be God

So you're watching a guy commune with God in real time to in Latin When they just like switched it and made it person focused where they're like, bro, you've lost the plot Yeah should be about God now. You're just fucking giving some lukewarm fucking speech to these dumbasses. Give them a pep talk once a week. They do get pep. You guys should be nice. Yeah.

Oh, I never thought of it that way. When's the last time you heard the homily? It's been a while. They're not great, dude. It's been like a year. They're not great. Yeah. I want to start ghost writing.

I want to get a good homily. That's a homily. Give me one. I'm open for it. The homily is just when the priest reads something and then he breaks it down. Yeah, he readsily, give me one. I'm open for it. The homily is just when the priest reads something and then he breaks it down. Yeah, he reads the Bible.

This is basically the message for this week. It's our Torah. He reads the good part of the Bible, and then he... The important part of the Bible. And then it'll be like, you know... The non-Jibberish part. Uh-huh. And then it's like, so...

What you should take from that? Your part. We're talking about your part. Oh, the non-Jibberish part. The Jibberish part. Why am I the Jibberish part? No, we like the New Testament. New Testament's way more streamlined.

Yeah, streamlined, yeah. The Old Testament's crazy. Don't you have like six guys saying the same shit in different words? No. Mark and Tony and Bobby and whatever? Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, dude. Don't fucking disrespect the boys.

I don't even know what the fucking Torah, what do you guys do? What do you mean, what do we do? I don't even know what you guys do pray and then just Star Wars. It's the same thing. It's like Jewish Star Wars is it Yeah, just like them like battles and fucking deserts and shit. It's like the passage this week. They were battling a desert What is what what can we learn from that? It's that hey if you have stand up your ass Maybe you should also wipe or whatever. Hmm hey, if you have sand up your ass, maybe you should also wipe or whatever. You know, whatever the message is.

It is kind of sick though, to be like, this is just our story, meet every Sunday, like remember we got that big ass fucking fight with the Egyptians, that was so fucking sick. It's honestly, that's what me and my friends do. We go to a bar once a week and go, dude, senior year, we could have beat Lancaster Catholic.

That battle with Lancaster Catholic. Huh, what else is going on? That's pretty much all we did to. That was pretty much it. I've been reading that. I told you about the Chesterton book. You didn't seem to like Chesterton last week. I did not like it. You came around.

Yeah. Came around, but yeah. I don't like silly guys. Silly men. Yeah, he is pretty silly, but I think it was needed. He was like a British gentleman. Yeah, the time period was good. It called for a silly man. Yeah, I call for some silly man You're silly man. You're a good fop. Yeah, somebody with like tassels here frills

Just stuff right. Yeah, I'm a silly man, dude This half the half face shave that was fucking silly as hell. That was silly man. I rule that was That was disorienting me. I would see I would get like Like what the fuck's going on? It like did something to my brain. It made no sense. It did That was disorienting me. I would see clips and I would get like, like what the fuck's going on? It like did something to my brain. It made no sense. It just wasn't right. Social was not right. Pissed off a lot of people, angry people are pissed off. Nice people have made happy people. It was tough to talk to you.

As long as you can talk sideways to you, the best at the cellar we'd all be talking and someone would be over there and it'd be like five minutes of Matty Weiner like, and then you're like this. What the fuck, man? What? No, it was just we're trying to have like a real conversation with you. And I'm just going to have like, yeah, you're just being silly. Disorienting. It was. Oh, dude, speaking of having cool people be happy and, you know, not cool people be mean, I did the slutty Garfield thing on Patreon. How did that go? A lot of angry people got mad?

A lot of angry customers. Wait, they didn't like slutty Garfield on Patreon? Some people didn't, which made me laugh more honestly. Yeah, I mean it's very funny. So it was a mystery. A secret artist just like sent me this thing. He's like, I made it. I don't know what to do with it. Just like, and I was like, dude, please let me put this on my Patreon.

It's about Garfield. It's about Garfield becoming a street walking prostitute, street walking trans prostitute. And then John's just trying to find him and save him or save Garfield from the underworld. Save her. Miss lasagna. What's Odie doing? His name was Odie's in the mix as well. Odie's a street dog.

Miss lasagna. What is Odie doing? Odie's aagna. Odie's a street dog. Miss Lasagna. Miss Lasagna. What is Odie doing? Odie's a bit of, Odie's in the underworld. Oh really? He sell drugs or what? I can't spoil, I've seen a lot of the stories, Ark. It's so funny, it's just funny. You can spoil it.

I can't spoil it, dude. It's so funny to one day, all I keep thinking about is a guy waking up and just being like, oh sweet, what the fuck? Garfield. Oh, new magic hand contact the fuck? It's just Garfield. Oh, new magic. Guy's trying to fuck Garfield. It is funny. You're exactly right.

You're exactly right on it. John's gotta find him in a room taken when he finds his daughter. Yeah, it's a good start. And just to have people be like, yo, for real, dude, this isn't it, all right? This isn't it. Fuck you.

It's so fucking funny. It keeps like, I just, I talked to the dude who did it and he's like, I'm gonna fire up three more right away. Fire them up. Nice, nice. He should just keep making them the exact same story just with different cartoon characters. Oh, that'd be sweet.

Heathcliff, we gotta go to Heathcliff. Yeah. Well, it's actually really well done. Like, it's like, it just looks like a professional. Yeah, you. Heathcliff. You gotta go to Heathcliff. Well, it's actually really well done. Like it's like it just looks like a professional. You showed me the drawings. It's very good. It's unbelievable how good it is. And it's just about Garfield selling bussy, selling bussy and John being

like sexually bothered on the streets as he tries to get to find out what's happening. It's so funny. It's just people trying to force John to do gay stuff. To find his lost cat. Every time he brings it up, people are like, I fucked that bitch last week. He sucked my dick down off Colfax.

What mutant made this? Who's doing this? I can't reveal his identity. Oh, he's got a hidden identity? Yeah, he's a secret artist. Oh He's a secret artist he might be I just our paths just crossed and he honestly the dude makes me laugh So fucking I talked to him all the time. He's so funny Shout out the secret artist. I might do I might do like a drug zinc style interview where I interview him It's just his face is blurry That's that's been my whole weekend. Oh, dude. So I I went to

Atl helium atl it's actually is an alpharetta. It's 45 minutes or it's like 38 minutes outside of Atlanta. It's nice though. That's where you get the honkies. Oh yeah. You wanna sell some tickets? There was a lot of honkies. You had 45 minutes in Atlanta, you had 45 minutes in Atlanta. In any direction. Although I did get to spend a little bit of time in Atlanta

and I thought I would have seen more gay black guys. Oh. Because I think that is the mecca. And I'm being honest, I was ready to be like, all right, let's go, I wanna see, you know, you know like the Mormons when you're in Utah, you're like, let me. Natural habitat. Exactly. So I'm like. Let's go. I want to see like you know you know like the Mormons when you're in, Utah You're like let me natural habitat exactly yeah, so I'm like let's go I just I thought I was just gonna get you know some gay black attitude just a little treat

Gay black attitude would be a nice treat just a little sad yeah exactly aggressive sass little spice But I did I go down there, so they sent me out to fucking cracker ass alpharetta Yeah, I didn't see any gay black guys. Oh fuck, yeah, you didn't get to see anything. I know. Cause I was gonna say, if you were in Atlanta, you'd see them. I know. And they will sass you.

I know, thank God I had my black wife with me. They're actually nice. Just for some reserved sass, but. Atlanta's, it's very nice. Oh yeah, it's fucking nice. I do like it. It's nice, yeah. But yeah dude, I go down there.

You know I was joking about always assuming my wife is faking it when she has any element. I just assume, I'm like, if she has any ailment, for some reason there's part of my brain that's like, yeah right. Sure you do. Literally. So then we're down, we get there,

first night we're there, she's like, she's been saying it for two days, she's like, I don't really feel that well, and I'm like, dude, it's just the fucking whatever. It's just because you're on a trip with me. Yeah, yeah. And you're ruining it. It's because I have to work this weekend.

I had the kids, everything, so I'm sitting there and all of a sudden I'm like, she's like, coughing, I don't feel well, and I'm like, dude, I always tell her, you just need to drink some water, dude, drink some water, drink some fucking water. Walk it off. Dude, she hates me, I Uber or whatever, door dash the thermometer, she's like 102 or whatever.

106. 106, shit, 106 in Park.6 in Park. She's one of those. That's when a black person has a fever. I have a fever of 106 in Park. 106 in Park, that'd be so dangerous. But dude she had a fucking, she had the flu. Does she ever hit you back with, you need to drink water? Yes.

Yeah, I mean I'm in that deadlock right now, every day. Have you drank enough water? All I do is drink water. Yeah. I chug water. Don't talk to me about drinking water. I'm, I'm a little bit of a drinker. I'm a little bit of a drinker.

I'm a little bit of a drinker. I'm a little bit of a drinker. I'm a little bit of a drinker. I'm a little bit of a drinker. I'm a little bit of a drinker. I'm a little bit of a drinker. I'm a little bit of a drinker. I'm a little bit of a drinker. I'm a little bit of a drinker. I'm in that deadlock right now, every day. So you drink enough water? All I do is drink water. I chug water, don't talk to me about drinking water.

I'm more so pushing the water agenda, but she has hit me with it. You haven't drank a lot of water. Yes, I have. I'm fucking water cooling my office. You don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Fuck are you? You don't watch me all the time.

It is offensive when someone's like, do you drink any water? Yeah, of course I do. What do I smell? Like, why the fuck are you saying that? Yeah. I know about, I gotta stop dogging on her over water intake fucking child? What do I smell? Like why the fuck are you saying that? Yeah. I know a bottle, I gotta stop dogging on her over water intake, but it's, dude, it's crazy.

Nah, get in there. I was peeping, dude, she had a fever, and I'm like, I gave her this big water bottle, I came in the next day, and I was like, dude. They don't drink water, they're cats. That's all, they're literally cats. That was her fucking, that was like her hamster bottle. I'm like peeping the level, I'm like, dude,

it went down that much. Yeah, you had a sip of water. I'm like, drink some fucking water. I'm sorry, I'm like, so then, dude. It's like, dude, it went down that much. Yeah, you had a sip of water. I'm like, drink some fucking water. I'm sorry, I'm like, so then, dude. It's like my sister, she has to put those fucking like, flavored packs in. It's like, just drink the fucking water. Drink the fucking water.

Not everything has to be soda. They won't do it. It's crazy, bro. I get plenty of water in my soda and beer and coffee. They hit you with the, every woman hits you with the fucking, I didn't get a good night's sleep. Mm-hmm. I was with you.

I saw you. Oh, dude. You slept for 14 hours. I was with you, I saw you. You slept for 14 hours. I have actually, I have data on that. They don't get good sleep. So when I got the Aura Ring, I don't have it right now, but I was wearing this Aura Ring, I was like tracking my sleep, all this stuff. Finally talked my wife into getting one.

We went to bed at the exact same time, we both wore them. I woke up, it was like eight hours sleep. I woke up, I'm like, dude not my readiness scores 93 is awesome what's yours fucking 55 you toss and turn she is when they get their periods their body temperature rises and I was peeping her readiness score and it was like dude it was 55 would be like if I had like five beers and say it up till three in the morning and we got eight hours of sleep. It's taking it easy. That's fucking, that's 95 readiness for me. God damn, I was good.

Ready to seize the day. Yeah, and I woke up next to her and I was like, what the fuck happened? She's like, I told you, I don't feel well. I'm not in my period. I told you, I'm not sleeping. Damn dude, you're fucked. Think of those floppy tits hanging everywhere, too.

I got the data dude, there. It's like, wow, you rolled up like, I can't sleep on guys. This fucking sucks to be a chick. It does suck to be a chick. Bro, I didn't know. It's like a whole week leading up to it. Yeah, you get the flu every week. Yeah. But dude, she had her fucking- Every month, part of it.

She rode off a week of period into flu. Yeah. So it was period to flu. Then I'm doing shows, so like- Overlap. Thursday, we get the diagnosis. I'm like, damn, you're fucked. They hate show weekends anyway.

Hey, true. They hate show weekends. I think her body just rejected it, dude. Their bodies reject shows. I mean, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm doing shows, so like Thursday, we get the diagnosis, I'm like, damn, you're fucked. They hate show weekends anyway.

Hey, true. They hate show weekends. I think her body has rejected it, dude. Their bodies reject shows. Did you, every single lady rejects the show. Why do I do, why do I gotta do the thing I love doing and I do for money? And you knew it was coming on the schedule

for three months straight, you knew it was coming, why do I do it? I go out every, oh oh why are you doing it? And then there's no show weekends, like what do you wanna do? Let's just watch some shows. Yeah. You need to be home for that?

Yeah. Well dude, I was, what I'm trying to tell you right now is that I had all weekend, I'm not trying to say like I'm a hero or whatever, but it was, Babe had a fever, I had to do all the stuff during the day for the most part obviously we do we brought a babysitter with us So I did but Make breakfast dude. So I did I was like getting up and it was like I would lay next It was crazy cuz I was laying next to her all night and it's like, you know

If you get if I get the flu, I was like fuck Yeah, so it would just be like coughing and I just lay there just being like we'll see what fucking happens Yeah, it's powered through the know, if you get, if I get the flu, I was like, fuck. Oh, yeah. So it would just be like coughing. And I just lay there just being like, we'll see what fucking happens. Powered through the whole weekend. It was pretty. There's a lot, dude. And then they fucking canceled two shows over the snow. It snowed an inch and a half in which, to be fair, at first, I was kind of salty because I was just like, dude, this is not that bad. But they didn't really they didn't assault the roads.

And it's like you're releasing it. I think they didn't assault the roads and it's it's like You're releasing it. I think it was like 350 the clubs you'd be releasing like Let's say at least 500 drunk drivers at night That's fair but when people were like, oh I'm a cusker fucking canceled cause a little snow I was like fuck that I don't care dude. I don't care people say how long did that take? 30 seconds grab my phone. I was like for the record the club can't Feel like such a dumbass as I was like damn it. I showed my hand there's instantly people like fuck you fair weather Oh, I got a good one. I got me. I did San Antonio in Dallas and

I like to come out to dire straits money nothing nice usually hits. When it doesn't hit, I felt like a real turd. I was expecting a very ruckus applause. Yeah. Kind of mediocre. I just walked out, I was like, hey guys, that was pretty intense, huh? Who was that guitarist, Shane? Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

That's pretty sick. It's nice. That guy is one of the ugliest rock stars in the world. I've never seen him. He just hit before MTV. The lead singer of Dyrus. The guy from Genesis. They're both like couldn't have existed once MTV came around.

Who from Genesis? The main guy, not the one who left, the one who stayed. Oh, yeah, it wasn't, what did you call it? Collins. Yeah, Phil Collins. You think Phil Collins is ugly? He was in an interview once. He goes, I could never it? Collins. Yeah, Phil Collins. You think Phil Collins is ugly? He was in an interview once, because I could never make it now.

Did you see my face? So ugly? Yeah, because I am musically gifted. I don't know how to comb my hair. Dye Straits is some ugly ass bull. Ugly, bro. Let me take that little. Wow, wow.

Yeah. That is Dye Straits. That is Dye Straits. Oh, wow. Well. Let me see. I know, they're-straight switch. Oh, wow. Well. Let me see. I know. They're not the worst crew.

No, I can see why you know it. That guy sucks. That guy sucks. I can see why someone in school called him that. What's his name? Dee Snider was the brother. He was an ugly-ass bull. Yeah.

Ugly rock star is a sick life. Because I also loved making out for lost time. Yeah. That's what I should have done in high school. True, yeah. And then some. Twisted Sister looks like for lost time. Yeah, this is what I should have done in high school True. Yeah, and some

Twisted sister looks like fucking even finance Really? It kind of give me even finance vibes. What do you what do you are? You just going through just like Yeah, this guy seems like one of the ugly D Snider, it's why they had the big hair to cover it up. Are you talking about the blonde dude? Yeah. D Snider is a name that I've always heard of, but I'm like, I don't know where I'm supposed to know him from.

I think Twisted Sister. Who the fuck is Twisted Sister? That's a sick name. What's your second biggest hit? What's your second biggest hit? We're not gonna take it. We're not gonna take it. What's your second biggest hit?

And then it's, why I feel like I'm gonna take it. Every rose, every rose. Why would you even look at me? No, Twisted Sister's move. I don't know any, I don't know a lot of hair models. I wanna rock! Rock! Why would you even look at me? I don't know a lot of hair modes. I want to rock! Rock!

Okay, there you go. That's a good one. The kids are back. Nobody knows that one. Yeah, you do. I think it was in Jackass. Sing it all the way through. Toys and Sissies rules.

Nobody knows this yet. This was in jackass this is good another court yeah, they're afraid I Know it Yeah, I never get that ever put on with me that like genre music it sucks I got me for a little punk. Yeah, my general. Yeah, I never I was a I wouldn't say me my uncle had an wouldn't say me and my uncle had an argument But me and Michael were skateboarding the other day dude. It's crazy. He's like 50 to just still living it It's ripping it pretty hard, but I was telling him there They had a speaker and I was like people were blasting music and I was like dude 90s

Early 2000s where I think the golden era of skateboarding music and he like it was just quiet Got quiet for a little bit and they have to redone. done he's like, yeah I don't know about that man. It was definitely the 80s. No it had to be the 90s. Late 90s, early 2000s. That's what I was saying dude. It was Tony Hawk era. No Tony Hawk was way before the 90s.

No no but the video game. The video game when skating got huge. Yeah that's, I was like, cause I was, when I go to the pump track I'll hit the headphones and listen to like, I just go there skateboarding and listen to music I listened to when I was like when I go to the pump track I'll hit the headphones and listen to like I just go there Skateboard and listen to music I listen to when I was like 13. It's so fucking sick. What is like blink? What's the genre? 11 I was a real oven though. That's from money money ballstones. Is that it though for boss?

Real big fish. Yeah, maybe sellouts real big fish. They were great. All stones are nasty, too I never thought that I could have done boner. I saw them whips are all ones Sellouts are a big fish. They were great. All stones are nasty, too I saw them whips are all ones Did you really yeah, it's pretty cool. I'm into I'm in that big brass sound right now I've been listening to do blood sweat and tears Do you ever fuck with them? No What are they up to just that big brass sound? There's a lot of Lot of horns and shit. You got a skank on the horns? You got horns going? I'm getting some horns going, dude. Damn, that was legitimately a great act

out of a musician, a musical instrument. Oh, then my mouth trumpet? Yeah. Do do do do do do. Sorry. That was really good. I can really nail it, if I wanted to I can nail it. Please.

You know I get a little shy. Please don't get shy, bro. I know you're showing, lick it, wet your whistle. Lick it. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. Wow. The end was incredible. Took that all the way in.

Yeah, really pulled it. That's a bold move. I'll be kicking myself on the drive like, dude, I could have trumpeted so much better on a floor ball. Yeah. Yeah. You need redemption at the national title.

I know, to kick the ball. What do you think about heading down to Lanoaway on a Monday to kick a field goal for the national title? I might have to. You tried when it missed? Yeah, it was close. From how many yards? It was fucking, it was a four field goal.

It was fucking pretty far, dude. You know, again. It's probably like a 30 yard field goal. 30 yard, nobody's watching, nobody's like trying to block. No, thousands of people, millions of people on TV. Nobody's blocking though. No. If someone rushed me, I would have.

It would have helped. Yeah. Yeah, true, I would have elevated a little bit. bit 30 yards and I'm not trying to sound like a baby I like didn't really eat all day, too You know eat all day and it was fucking close were you it was a good boot it was Did you try one? No, because you knew you wouldn't do it knew he wouldn't do it. Fuck no, I would've fallen down. You would've actually got like Charlie Browned yourself.

The weirdest part was I didn't. The kid here went for it. So every week, college game day, they pick a college student to kick. And if the kid makes it, they give him like half a million dollars or $200,000. Damn. Because the kids never make it really.

But Matt went on and kicked it, just kind of like as a fun one. And then the kid who kicked it tried as hard as he fell twice. Fell? Yeah, it was slippery, dude. I would've torn my ACL doing that. I saw a big dog do that on game day.

I heard about that. He was warming up for it and fucking ripped his knee. Think I hurt. Wow. That's what I remember. Got a couple of bruskies, it's slick, you go, I gotta kick this, everyone's watching. I, dude, it's, the weirdest part was I've never really,

never kicked a field goal before. I had no idea if it was gonna go anywhere, how it was gonna move. And I was pleasantly surprised. It was the boots. The key was the snow boots. You gotta bring the boots. And the straight on.

I just did the, that guy tried to do. You didn't go sideways? Now the kid who fell did like a, he walked to the side. He looked like he knew what he was doing. Yeah, he was trying to kick the road. He was trying to really hoof it with the inside of his foot. That's when you can get your leg up to there though. Whoa looked like he knew what he was trying to kick. Try to like really hoof it with like the inside of his foot.

You can get your leg up to there though. Oh, chill. Yeah, chill, bro. What the hell is that? Nazi balls. You can get your leg up to there. You can just elevate straight up. You know, like, yeah, although it is your leg, to be fair, you are accurate.

Yes, I should have done that. You are accurate. Fuck. Yes, maybe. You just done that. Fuck. You are a egghead. Fuck. Yes. Thumbnail. Damn it. One of the best ones I saw was in Australia, Aussie football game, and then halftime, they had this thing where you're gonna have to go up

and do a fair catch, and then they try to hit you. And so they had a guy with a mattress hitting these people. Like, do a fair catch, we're gonna mattress fucking pummel you. See if you can catch one. Oh, see if you can do it? Yeah. One guy missed, you know, they pummel him.

Another guy catches it, falls over, and everyone's like, he got it. And then the ball just rolls away, and we're all like, he's out. Yeah, we got knocked out. Gave him a like that, and the ball just slowly went away. There was a third guy that was gonna go, and they're like, game's over, game's over.

Fucked that guy up. Oh man. I just saw a clip of the slap league. I got into the slap league algorithm this week. Did you see the fucking dude who got knocked out in the last one? No, I thought they all got knocked out. It's funny.

I actually watched the whole episode one time and I didn't see a lot of people get knocked out. Maybe it was just the one I watched. I watched a clip of this dude getting knocked out on a slap and it's funny because they just cut the Dana White it was just the one I watched. I watched a clip of this dude getting knocked out on a slap. And it's funny because it is cut to Dana White who's in a chair like, oh, every time it's like, I can't believe that.

He wasn't guarding himself. He was going to get slapped. It is just so sick to like, you know, he's got a lot of stuff going on and he makes just like, I guess, a couple of hours every week to go sit in a chair and just watch man get slapped in the face. Yeah, he created that. It's or I guess, a couple of hours every week, he goes sit in a chair and just watch Meng get slapped in the face. Yeah, he created that.

It's or I guess he bought it or whatever. I heard Tony and Ari Matty were down there like, let's do commentary. I'm like, hey, we can make this funny and stuff. And Dana was like, it's not funny. It's a serious thing. And I'm trying to get it like a real sport. It's a sick fucking sport. It looks like it reminds me like a medieval bar game.

Yeah, just fucking dude. It was and they talk shit to each other. It is just a guy slaps a guy and he doesn't move and he's like, oh, fuck you up. He's about to slap you next. Yeah. I'd quit so fast. Yeah, I actually quit.

You win forfeit. You already got the Jack. You're like, yeah, you know what, man? Actually quit You already got the jack you're like yeah, you know what man, I'm doing here smack. What's the point of this? Yeah, I was disheartened today to see the Cameron Jim Jones beef I didn't know they're beefing beefing beefing hell, dude. Oh damn. Cameron and Jim Jones, you know Dipset? Yes. Dude, that. I'm hip.

This guy out of control. Last night he met Joe Burrow and goes, where did you go to school? LSU, you fool. Sorry. Yeah. And then he doesn't even know the diplomats? Yeah, diplomats, I thought that was like public knowledge.

You know Diplo. Diplo. Yeah. He's cool, he's not quite the diplomats. Yeah diplomats. I thought that was like public knowledge. I guess Diplo, you know, he's cool. He's not not quite They were just like an earth like a 2000s. Oh boy. Hey, ma. Yeah Purple haze. Oh, yeah Baby, baby I do know that yeah, dude the uh, so what's their beat? Who not? Jim jones was like oh, I listened to it today. Cameron laid out the whole thing. He didn't, obviously he didn't wanna do this.

Is Jim Jones the one who gave out his number? That was Mike Jones. Sorry, go ahead. Yeah. Yeah. Jim Jones was part of the diplomats, but apparently they, I didn't know they were beefing, but now it's like.

Doesn't sound diplomatic at all. Exactly. True. What did Cameron keep calling him? Was it Jomo? Jomo. Jomo. Yeah. He was like kind of laying down. What was kid Rocky corner was a Joe mo Joe Mo I guess that was like his nickname and they were saying it was like really a weird detail But I was trying to like there's going back and forth like I think Jim Jones

I from what I believe he was saying like I started that shit. That was basically me I was I think he was trying to paint himself as like I was more of like the underworld Kind of like I don't know whatever but he's paying himself as like that was kind of me like the brains behind it Then Cameron today. It was pretty brutal. It's just like dude you were just a fan of ours and the only reason we talked is because You apparently his grandma died or his mom died or something. He was like, yo, my grandma died free house And then like they're like, okay, dude, it's kind of weird to fight this over your house.

And then the camera was like, you know what, though it was a free house. So I started bringing bitches over and just fucking them in Jim Jones' dead grandma's house. Oh, man. With that smell. He was a teenager. That smell.

He was a kid, sure, there's still a medical bed. You never fuck the bitch until you fuck her where she can go like Yeah, but he was saying basically like you were just like a weirdo we tolerated and then so mean It was really brutal a bummer to find out. Yeah, it was tough. You were the one in the friend group I thought it was a wild card myself. I was a wild card. Maybe maybe still is I don't know but it was funny He's apparently he's a beef from like ten years ago that got resurrected I thought it was a wild card myself. I thought it was a wild card. Maybe he still is. I don't know. But it was funny because apparently, he was a beef from like 10 years ago that got resurrected. So it is sick to be, you know, you guys should look.

You're never too old to beef. Just like 50 years old trying to do your podcast. And all of a sudden, your son starts beefing with you like that. He's like, bro, can we please? We already beefed about this. So long ago. And he just pretty much devastated him pretty badly.

He's like, I don't wanna do this anymore. And I was listening to him like, Jesus Christ, I'd be so mad. It's tough to be hard at that age. Yeah, dude, yeah, true. You said it. It's tough to get hard at that age. Oh, sorry I missed it.

How are the boners, how are the boners, can we talk as like guys right now? How are the boners going for all this? I woke up rock hard this morning, I was just like. Yeah, morning, when you don't need it, spray it. Sure. I tried my best to use it. Oh, nice.

Get a boner with my dog a lot. You get a boner around your dog? It's always like cuddling sometimes, I'm just like fucking. Straight body heat. Straight body heat. Try to move it away from him. Yeah.

But he knows, he knows. More master than before He loves it it's a little more submissive that morning Dave's you're getting Your fucking dead You have just like the size yo Sweet little flashlight and bones. Wait, you think he's a little, sweet little flesh like that dog? Oh yeah, little fleshy.

Were you about to say you think your dad ever had a boner while you were chilling with him? Yeah, do you think? He definitely had a boner. All of us, right? Definitely. Yeah, do you ever talk to your dad in the morning, he had a boner.

If you were in your dad's bed in the morning, your dad had a fucking boner. Or at least a semi. Yeah. Especially when you think about it, they were 30 something. They weren't even like old. Yeah. Especially when you think about it, there were 30 something. They weren't even like old. Oh yeah, exactly.

They were like a young man. Yeah, just never really stopped, man. I remember I would get woken up in the morning for school and I had a boner. And now it's like you're woken up in the morning and it's like damn, I've been trying to like hide my boner in the morning since I was like fucking 12. I have never, I've not gotten a break.

Yeah, it sucks though, cause yeah, you wake up in the morning and you're like, damn, this is the hardest I've ever been. And then you walk to like the bathroom in the shower and you see you're fully erect Oh, you go. God damn. I thought this thing was bigger This thing felt so much bigger than it is Last night I was like, you know, I think I might have reached any level when I went to the bathroom was like Same old guy. Same old guy. Just kind of wobbles while you walk.

Like, aw. Do you ever try to bend one? Do you ever try to bend a boner? Like real tough and try to like... No, dude. Oh yeah. It's great, you do? Oh yeah.

Nice. You bend it? You're a little pressure player myself. You can, but you try to. Just try to. Yeah, squeeze it to the top, you know? Like one of those Pixie sticks. Yeah.

Yeah, what if you caught the pinch and there's gotta be a point where like the nerve pinches and you're like, oh, yeah Oh, yeah point true is go past it into fucking How's a good boner check-in just check in on everybody's rock Because that is a non boner check-in? Just check in on everybody's rock hard boner. How you doing? Cause that is a non boner outfit you're wearing. Could be better. Non boner's just suffering.

It's in the boner man's a little bit right now. What is happening? Not what it used to be. You're quiet, since I've come back you've so quiet. I haven't been quiet, I've seen you like twice. I wanna talk to you and hang out with you. Let's hang out. Nate, we gotta get you harder dude, we can't. We gotta get you harder twice. I want to talk to you and hang out with you. Let's hang out. Nate, we got to get you harder, dude.

We can't. This is what happens, guys suffer in silence. The guys suffer in silence, but the boys need to be there and get them hard as fuck again. Bruh, give me hard. What's the root you were talking about? Maka, bro. I'll do it.

Give me hard, bro. Bro, start taking the maka. Take like two tablespoons every morning. You're going to wake, you'll forget about it and wake up the next morning and go. No, no, the boners are fine. They're fine. The boners are fine.

No, no, just fine. We don't settle They're fine. They're fine. Just fine. We don't settle for just fine. I am bummed is I used to be able to get drunk and fuck and fuck forever. And those days, those days, those days are gone. Now I come home and I'm like, I try and I'm like, forget it. Yeah. And I miss the good old days of. Yeah, because that's that's when it's the most fun. Yeah. A couple of drinks.

You got to give a fuck what I look like. Yeah. I don't care, we can do anything. Sound, I'll ask for anything. I'll take the no gracefully. Dude. Yeah. A little buzz, you go, hey, that's no problem. Yeah.

I love it. I understand. Sober nose. Oh, dude. How could you? I thought you loved me. No, I'm not mad, I'm just trying to paint my reality to you, which is like, what am I gonna do?

And yeah. And what would you do if I said no? You would literally cry. If you asked me to go down on you and I said no, you would cry. No, I don't want it anymore. I'm just letting you know how I feel. Like, no, I get it.

Trust me, I'm not mad. I just, you know, just, I don't know. What am I supposed to do? Just feel like this? This is crazy. I've been thinking about setting up the menu. I might start setting up the menu where it's like monthly. I'm telling you, I wanna.

Yeah, let's take a look at the apps. Let's take a look at what's the soup of the day. What am I getting this month? Can we just talk about it in advance? And what I've come to is two sex, I don't think that's crazy to ask for, two sex is a month. That's fucking crazy.

That's low. Minimum. Minimum, talk about the minimum. Oh yeah, yeah. Dollar menu. Two HGAs and one beech. I think, dude. A beech is nice.

Beech is one of the months that are part of sex. One of the months start or finish beech. Finish and complete, I want a full beech. No sex involved, no hand. Full beech once a month is. Hey, talk to me, I'd like to reserve the offer. That's gluttonous, dude.

That's the McRib. The beech comes out once in a blue moon, and you go Full beach once a month is. Hey, it's up to me. I like to reserve the off. That's gluttonous, dude. That's the McRib. The beach comes out once in a blue moon, and you go, the McRib is back. That's the point. Start to finish. I don't know where it came. No one even told me it was coming. That's the point of the bending.

That's the period. That's the time. That's what I'm saying. Oh, I'm period. Great. We still own IOU. I know. It's McRib time.

Dude, are you, that's like literally my passion you just brought up. I've been passionately crusading for the period blowjob, and it's like I'm just in the dark It's never good. No, I feel like I'm alone brother. I feel like I'm alone No, it's ever gotten a bad. No one's ever gotten period head in a relationship that we see you You are seen we're holding space Let's do one of those videos black and white was just like shit written on a cardboard box. Oh, yeah. Thank you for holding space. I wanna see one of those videos, black and white with just like shit written on a cardboard box, thank you for holding space for me right now.

We're holding space. They're cranky dude, they're not gonna give head. That's the perfect time for it. That's the best head, the cranky head. Yeah, just catching a sigh. Doesn't matter. Ah. I got the hot breath.

Yeah, your little fucking nasty ass sigh actually felt good, jokes on you bitch. I Will say that's gonna suck so bad to have sex with the guy when you don't really feel like it Not even say like you truly don't want to say it would be off the table when they're like fine It's got to be so is there's like nothing gross or if you're not like in that sexual mood of all those hormones fine He's watching guy like The handmaiden's tale is so successful. Oh dude, you're thinking what I'm thinking. No, my bad. Same page, same page. What page are you on?

Wait, no, I've been on the Pi page. Good, did she just say it? Oh yeah. Did she say it coming to me? Oh dude, it's. Did she say that? I'm not gonna ask. I was on him.

She said something. She said something. Something coming to me. I was on him and then now I'm off him and it's like they're starting to call to me again You've always had to call the part. I think about the Bible. I'm like they had like 25 fucking kids You know, we're fine. Oh, dude the pie rule. It's dude. It's fucking calling I held off very late in life. So did I so did I I'll give it a case I was always about I'm I fear the pie the crazy kids in high school

I kids in high school that was pie. The crazy kids in high school, I had kids in high school that were pie. Your friends in high school that were pie. It's like dude, what? High school kids tossing pie. Tossing pie. And then they go, she can't get pregnant. Like why, like she didn't last time. Like that's not a proof.

You got lucky the first time. I had friends that were pie in high school and I was like dude, you're a savage bro. I was terrified of pie in high fine. I still fear the pie Right now I fear these little fucking thick ass. I know you You out yet There's no fun shwee in this place I can't pull out. The guy getting fucked against the wall.

Oh, fuck. Can't pull out. I want to say a thing, but I have a friend, I'm not going to say his name, but he... Cardo. No, not Cardo, it's Cardo. He's like, been with a lady for a long time, but never pied.

What? But like, never once. That's crazy. It's kind of crazy, right? That's crazy. That's crazy, never? Never. I think I know who you're talking Right. That's crazy. That's great. Never. Never. I think I know you're talking about.

Yeah, maybe. I might have the fucking reverse beep to. What's that? What is that? I guess it was a dump truck. He's pulling out. I had to guess it was a fucking fire engine. Back it up I had to guess I don't know That pod squad is like Thomas the Tank Engine

Squad of Pies dude I'm gonna be so mad. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. So good. That's squad. He took the bait in the mouth. Squad. The squad is fucking nice. The tag team is the tag team. What a great squad.

It's a great squad. The pulse one. The pulse one. The tech engines. What a great squad. It's a great squad. The pool squad. Holy fuck. I told you I was listening to that.

Who the fuck is that? Write it down on a piece of paper. I want to know who that is. Yeah, he won't care. It's Andy. Andy Malafarina. I got it. It's Panies in the Motherfucking Mouth.

Oh, I thought you said Andy. It was me. Oh, oh. The Pod Squad. Panies in the Mouth. No, Panies in the Motherfucking Mouth. Panies in the Motherfucking Mouth. Oh, I thought you said Andy. Say his name. Loose Boy. Oh, oh. Pod Squad. Panies in the Mouth podcast.

P.I. Tim on YouTube. Oh my god. I gotta take a look at the boys. I didn't... I mean, I always knew of the ampullness of that fucking squad, but I never really thought about it in terms of getting into the squad. Fat Boys. Fat Boys rappers.

That's the squad, bro. That's a good crew. It pays in the mouth. That's the fat boys. The fat boys. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh man, dude, I I can't stop laughing about pull out of a woman. Have your bus.

It's like, it's stuck in my head. Hey, you got to move to. We got to go. That'd be a nice Tim Burton movie. Imagine it shot like all weird, like Tim Burton, but everyone's butts are just blocking it. It's a whole movie. Just Johnny Depp with a humongous butt. Just getting trapped.

You know, the bad boys might be paid in the mouth. Oh, what's Johnny Depp up to right now? Is Johnny Depp? He got fat. He got fat. Yeah, he got chubbed. Really? Yeah, he's Johnny Depp up to right now? Is Johnny Depp? He got fat. He got fat? Yeah, he got chubbed. Really? Yeah, he's not getting drained anymore. Yeah, true.

I mean, he is for sure, but he got chubby last time I saw him. Did he really? Yeah, not like fat packed, but like. Kind of powerful to like defeat your wife in court and then get fat. He was so cool in court, and what's this tin can for? He goes, it's for Coke, you know what it's for. What are we doing this?

Yeah, he was. That was unbelievable. I only thought. It was such a weird, what was the trial? Was it just like? He said, she said, it was really just like having your friends bitch at each other in front of you. What was the crime though?

Was it crime abuse? Was the crime like? I think. Liable. Was the crime that he lost, didn't he lose like Pirates of the Caribbean and all that shit? Because of her?

From her slandering them. From her saying this guy's a scumbag. And then suing him. He was like, no, not Captain Jack Sparrow. That's gotta be so sick. That is good. There's gotta be something cool about that, like going through the whole arc of like the relationship

and then getting to sue each other at the end of it. Suing each other and then having a judge be like, yes, she was a bitch. Yeah. It's illegal. She was a bitch, legally. The United yes, she was a bitch. She was a bitch, legally. The United States says she's a bitch. Dude's rule. Yeah, she wanted a female judge for sure.

That was a good one. I don't know, a female judge might've hurt her. Might've, cause she was like, I like her. She was a young cutie. He's misunderstood. Oh yeah, if it was an old lady female judge. Turned on the bed though, that was damning evidence. Turned on the bed man.

It's inexcusable. Turned on the bed and then wrote your name in, my name in shit on the wall. Her blood? I think she cut herself and wrote it in blood. Did she cut herself too? It's honestly. I'd rather a girl cut herself than shit the bed. Shitting the bed is un-gol-

Shitting the bed is fucked up. Cutting yourself is like, okay, you've obviously- Cutting yourself is like, no you didn't. Too much Shakespeare. Same thing, it's like I'm gonna shit the bed. I'm gonna show Cutting yourself is like, okay, you've obviously. Cutting yourself is like, no you didn't. Too much Shakespeare. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same thing, it's like, I'm gonna shit the bed. I'm gonna show this weekend you're lying,

you didn't cut yourself. Yeah. Shit in the bed to prove his shit. Show this weekend you're trying to ruin it. I'm gonna show this weekend you're trying to ruin it right now. It's just that behavior was just like, it's for L'Ordel trash.

That's all they were. Yeah. Yeah. Well anyway. Let's switch over to the Patreon. Let's do the Patreon. The page. Yeah. Well, anyway, let's switch over to the Patreon. Let's do the Patreon. The page. Yes. Go watch Ari Shaffir's special on Netflix. Yes. Watch it all the way through.

Enjoy it. Yeah. Do whatever. People from Manchester, England, come to my show. When you go on Manchester Rules. Yeah. In match. Always. Yeah. Please come. Yes.