Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Torso in the Mail

Episode Date: October 15, 2019

The D.A.W.G.Z. shoot the breeze about Shane's trip to Indiana and then engage in some dump talk before being joined by a powerful freaking duo where they talk about S-E-X and haterz and then the whole things spills into the paytch. 

Oh man, we're here dude. We're in the motherfucking building. We're already talking shop. We're already talking shop. I just wiped my fucking ass dude. Matt wiped his butt to start the cast. Shit two hours ago, wiped my ass. That's good. Now. Yeah. Wait, you wiped your ass then also obviously.

I did, but it was like... You didn't get it done. It was a public dump, so I was like... That happens. You rushed it. Yeah, it wasn't... I took like... Actually, it was like i had been holding it in all day long so it was like you know when you you like i was writing a paper about like well it's like a whole thing but i was talking about uh like the sexual urges basically yeah and like how like i was like damn it's so weird we have like these hormones that just like our just like our wiener region fills up with like

a hormone feeling we're like we just like yeah meet someone you're like oh i want to fuck this out of you you know we get these bad feelings we're not that bad but we get driven by hormones so i'm thinking about that and then i had a poop so bad my fucking butt zone was pulsing with the poop feeling i was like oh my god dude yeah it was just weird and that was just yeah exactly so it drives you to go do something to take a dump in the hospital i'm being hungry or you know you start to get a boner you're like all right i gotta creep out of here i had a butt boner yeah so i had to leave and then go uh we were going to get the ultrasound so i saw my bae in the waiting room i met up with her and i'm like yo hold up i'll hit the bathroom and

don't you could have ultrasounded that see that baby you had locked in there she's like are you gonna dump right there people walk by there and i'm like dude unless you can direct me to like the loading dock that was like a loading She's like, are you going to dump right there? People walk by there and I'm like, dude, unless you can direct me to like the loading dock. That was like a loading dock dump I needed to take. Yeah, you needed to go down with the blue collar workers. Yeah, dude.

I needed to hit a handicap stall in the home depot, dude. Dude, so then I get done dumping and there's just a cleaning lady just standing there like a fucking bee feeder with a mop.

Literally, as if I had taken too long. Yeah. Eye contact. I was just like, get in there a mop. Literally, as if I had taken too long. Eye contact. I was just like, get in there, babe. Bro, that was kind of like I hit the family toilet at a rest stop this weekend. Oh, rest stop dumps are tough. Rest stop. I just had about eight of them in the last three days.

Just hangover fucking rest stop dumps. Dude, I drove like it was fucking crazy how much we just drove uh but yeah this is so we were talking about okani yeah i feel bad doing it so i was calling him the turd all weekend i was calling him turd. What's this origin story? The origin story is we, on the way out, we went to Notre Dame this week. We went to Indianapolis, did a show Friday night, and then went to the Notre Dame game on Saturday. So when we drove out to the indie show from, so, Jesus Christ, I'm out of it. It was party time, bro.

So I went from New York to Philly where I picked up the turd and beezer. Where I picked up the turd and beezer. And then we went to stay at my parents' house that night. And then on Friday morning, we drove from Harrisburg to Indianapolis. But while we were driving out, I took a dump in Ohio. Okay. Have you dumped in every state? I've dumped in like

a crazy amount of states. Damn. In the same day, I've dumped in like three different states. In the same day, I've shit in like three different states,

for sure. Just nonstop. Oh my God. Just fast walking into rest stops after I park. Just a little hit. You just do a little hit skip. Yeah, a little hop and start skipping into those skipped over the curb uh so in ohio i took a shit and the automatic flusher didn't work so i just had to leave a turd

yeah just had to leave one in there and i was like that's gonna like scare people that's gonna be spooky when they open the stall there's the turd sitting there waiting. So then on Saturday night after the game, me and Beezer, O'Connor went home and was waiting in the hotel room. He was just sitting on the bed in the hotel room. We opened the door at night. And that's when I said that was like the exact same experience as some guy in the rest stop in ohio when he opened the door the turd was just sitting there oh god damn dude oh it's like oh

how many episodes 100 it was about 137 episodes before we one of us shit our pants jarred one loose cause of the turd I mean calling O'Connor the turd

is so fucking funny I mean seeing him sitting up in bed calling him the turd it'dd yeah the turd was in there just waiting for us oh god and then uh i gotta get it together we're just joking i just kept fucking with the professionals about this i was like dude i was like dude i won't say it on the podcast. I won't call you the turd on the podcast. Because all of our fans would... I was like, dude, every time you get on stage,

the whole people in the crowd are going to be like, turd. The turd. My fucking head hurts. Oh, my God. I mean, I can just... It's so funny because he probably hates that nickname more than anything.

Well, no, he was laughing at it everything was good but then today well this was he just endured fucking like three or four straight days of driving

me driving him sitting shotgun Beezer's just in the back just on his phone playing a game non-stop playing like Call of Duty on his phone

for 12 hours so I have nothing to do other than to bother the turd I was just sitting there we'd be driving. I couldn't go four minutes of silence. I just bothered him for three straight days. Oh, my God.

And then today, the drive from Harrisburg to Philly, he started to fight back a little. The turd fought back? The turd started to be like, okay. Okay, Shane. Oh, my God. Oh, fuck. Oh, man.

I mean, what a funny fucking nickname for him. And just like, the turd, dude. What's the turd doing? The turd's running around. Phonetically, it's just such a good nickname dude oh man i can't believe you farted when you were laughing i hope i hope they caught that up i know i know it might have but yeah indianapolis was fucking so fun you got to come with me i know that was the midwest dogs midwest dogs are so funny damn dude made a fucking cake, a skull cake. Fuck. A citrus skull cake that he made at his bakery in Broad.

Oh, that's so fucking funny. Guy made a poster. That boundaries poster was so fucking funny. That was great. But yeah, Indianapolis was great. Dogs came bearing gifts. And we went and found some scrippers. Went to the script club.

How was that? The turd was buzzing, dude. He was... Really? Yeah, he was buzzing. Firing on all cylinders? Yeah,d was buzzing, dude. He was... Really? Yeah, he was buzzing. Firing on all cylinders? Yeah, you know how he is. He supports the workers.

Loves his bays, dude. But no, it was fun. Yeah, stayed out too late. Yeah, dude. Party time in Indianapolis. You look weak, dude. I am fucking hurting. Damn.

And then Saturday we went to the game and again just got i this is the what i had the most anxiety about yesterday um so me and beezer got in late the turd was already waiting he was in bed staring at the ceiling just fucking probably hating that new nickname dude that's yeah it's not a good nickname that's fucking hilarious but yeah but then uh me and six were just sitting in the lobby of the hotel and the dude who worked there started bringing out breakfast food because the we got in we got in that late damn he was setting up the breakfast buffet so i just straight to it biscuits and gravy i was just putting in work man and then i used the i was like beezer watch this and then I was using the uh serving utensils to just eat straight out of the gravy and uh I feel pretty bad about that really yeah damn you're like

Ariana Grande when she wowed out you ate out of like the omelet bar and then yeah didn't Ariana Grande do something like that at a donut place I'm not sure but I think people would be way more upset with me doing it than her eating straight out of the thing yeah yeah yeah i think so and i was like dude and then just the anxiety of like oh god what if there's like a like security footage of that like tmz's eating out disgraced comedian is seen here in indiana eating gravy out of a hotel breakfast bar. Like, blah. Oh, that'd be hilarious. Yeah. I mean, that's the whole trip.

That's what we got out of it. That's the anxiety you took out of that? Yeah, for me, that was... Going straight to the tub? Yeah, using the serving utensil to eat sausage gravy at the hotel breakfast was pretty bad. I was doing it to be funny. Of course. But still,

the next day, I wake up like, what a piece of shit fucking move that was. Like, I was like mad at myself. What, you think you tainted it? Well, you got first crack. I'm sick. Oh, you infected a town of people?

Oh, no. I wasn't sick then. I might have got sick from the sausage. You spread the great Indianapolis cold of 2019? Perhaps. Damn. Perhaps. You're going to go back there next year. There spread the great Indianapolis cold of 2019? Perhaps. Damn.

Perhaps. You're going to go back there next year. There's going to be nobody left, dude. Maybe. It's going to be the leftovers. Every third person just disappeared. Every third person that ate sausage gravy at a hotel breakfast bar, that's a good chunk of that population.

Oh, my God, dude. So during the game, the Notre Dame-USC game, these two dudes behind us just wouldn't shut the fuck up. Start to finish, wouldn't shut the fuck up. Yeah. It was like, and like, totally mundane, worthless conversation. Didn't know shit about football, just yapped for fucking two hours. Three and a half, nonstop.

That's tight in there, too. Ruined the fucking game. Really? I was just furious. I was mad the whole time. I made a half. Non-stop. That's tight in there, too. Ruined the fucking game. Really? I was just furious. I was mad the whole time. I made fun of them at one point. And everybody in the area laughed. And the guys just kept going back to the conversation.

It was crazy. That's weird. It's like nobody can be that fucked up for that long. Like at first, I was like, all right, first quarter, this will stop because he's hammered. Yeah. Hopefully that fucking dies down. Didn't stop. So they were fucked up. Had's hammered. Yeah. Hopefully that fucking dies down. Didn't stop. So they were fucked up.

Had to have been. Damn. Yeah, it was brutal. And he sat there and gabbed the entire time. They were fucking talking about... Him and this other guy clearly hadn't seen each other in a while. I think they were just old pals. So they were just sitting there talking about...

He's talking about his fucking wife and he's like, well, you and Aria have a fucking thing going. his fucking wife and he's like well you and aria have a fucking thing going and like yeah i'll admit you can be a bit of a handful but aria is a great girl and what you got like just and screaming just screaming and i turned around because a play happened and one of them paid attention it was like holy shit look at that and i was like wait wait go back tell me finish the fucking aria story please and everyone around was like yeah fuck you wait, wait, go back. Finish the fucking Aria story, please. And everyone around was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck you guys. And then they just went back to fucking talking. Damn.

It's crazy. You guys are tightly packed in there, too. Yeah. That would kind of suck. Yeah, really fucking sucked. And the type of conversation that just... What were you wearing, actually? What kind of gear did you have? I got a sick ass fucking

Notre Dame champions jacket it's fucking sick throwback no it's like a long it's like oh yeah you'll see it I'll be wearing it every day trench coat it's kind of what

sick it's a sick jacket what'd you get it from the bookstore yeah you know me dude I'm a papered bro damn 125 for this throw in the back let me get that not a big deal please now your your

notre dame merch is gonna get better and better and better you know all the horrible things that have happened this is the one thing that's really helped like one one stock that is rising is my notre dame merch it's fucking it's business is booming right now i went to a wedding for uh my cousin there was 380 people there it was humongous it was literally like it was pretty much all of delaware county in this yeah one space or a lot of people from there and uh dude so many people kept coming up to me and they'd be like hey man no such thing as bad publicity yeah oh i know i'm like yeah yeah yeah well i think this one is yeah this is a pretty bad i'm like there's definitely such thing this is one re kevin spacey harvey weinstein like there is definitely like yeah you know man like i mean he's like

everyone will call him back yeah you know i mean how do these things go i mean i don't know i i think it's gonna you know i it's it's not a bad thing yeah it's just like yeah they keep they all say that yeah which is like yeah yeah i agree yeah but yeah it was just funny it was the same way i was at a uh i said a bachelor party like two months ago and like whenever you see someone you haven't seen in a while whenever they want to talk trump it's the exact the conversation to start it is the same thing someone going like i mean i don't know i uh you know he's i mean i don't see him do you know what i mean like what's he doing i don't think he's doing that bad and it's like dude what do you want to talk about you don't talk trump get to it

let's get into it i kept doing that to people like while we were fucked up at the we went to this uh hotel like bar before the game and then like if i was just standing there i'd be like or like at the urinal or something i'd be like man i was just standing there I'd be like or like at the urinal or something I'd be like man I was just reading about that Saturday Night Live thing that's some fucking bullshit

and dudes would be like hell yeah man fuck that and I'd be like no he's not he's not you were throwing out feelers yeah it was so funny

oh my god you could ask people and they don't you know they don't fucking know what I look like so you went out you were doing

I would literally talk to somebody and be like man can you believe that fucking Saturday Night Live thing they'd be like, yes. It's fucking bullshit, dude. People are pussies these days. I'm like, yeah, hell yeah, man.

Yeah, I bet that guy's a great guy. He works really hard. Damn, so you were out in Indy doing recon. Yeah. You just camouflaged in the Midwest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People were like, no, I had no idea. Dude, I ran into, oh, this is, oh, fuck.

I'm going to be embarrassed about telling this story. Ran into, so we saw the starting quarterback, not the current starting, the former starting quarterback. Okay. He was standing there. I know him.

Me and the turd, no, you wouldn't know him. Me and the turd are scheming. We had a couple drinks at this point. We're like, dude, the turd came up with a scheme. He was like,

go tell him who you are, dude. We can go party with the fucking team, dude. Go do it. I was like, tur tell them who you are, dude. We can go party with the fucking team, dude. Go do it. I was like, Turd, let's do it. Mickey and the Brain, dude. Mickey and the Turd scheme. Oh, man.

It was brutal. I walked up to him. I was like, dude, huge fan, man. Yo, you were here? No. He was like, no, what? I was like, anyway, that's it. I'm just going to get out of here.

I'll see you, man. Oh, my God. How'd you exactly break it to him? Something along the lines of... You follow comedy news? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, hey. I swear to God, I don't know.

It was like... It was getting close to game time. Then he's going to look it up on his phone and be like, oh, fuck. No, he did say that. He was like, what'd you say? What'd you get fired for? I was like, fuck. No, he did say that. He was like, what'd you say? What'd you get fired for? I was like,

nah, I made fun of Asian people. He was like, bah! Oh, fuck. Yeah, now that, between that story and the gravy, that was the majority

of replaying over and over in my head the whole drive home on Sunday. The gravy's not a big deal. I mean, you know, sending a rhino virus through the fucking town of Indianapolis.

Well, I didn't know I was sick. That's kind of bioterrorism. Kind of is. I could probably get in trouble. Yeah? Yeah. I mean, not under this administration. Last one would have gripped you right off, dude.

Yeah. They would have fucking taken you down to Guantanamo. I'd be in a camp. I'd be in a camp right now. You'd be in Guantanamoamo. I'd be in a camp. I'd be in a camp right now. You'd be in Guantanamo. You wouldn't even know about it. I'd be in Gitmo right now eating sausage gravy.

They'd probably make you eat it until you threw up, dude. Which wouldn't take long. No. Good chunk of hotel sausage gravy and you're not feeling good. That's how you dump

across the country. True. That's how you dump in every state because you ate 10 pounds of biscuits and gravy on top of a crazy amount of booze. Yeah.

I mean, I didn't have that wild of a weekend. I did have a lot of chia pudding this weekend. Really? A lot of chia pudding, and I've been taking real weird dumps. What's chia pudding? Chia seeds are like these little seeds that if you let them sit in water, they kind of expand and become kind of little chewy little balls, almost like tapioca.

Okay. But they actually have some nutritional content, not like tapioca. What's tapioca? You know, bubble tea? No, I know what it is, but what is it? It's just tapioca flour. Okay. It doesn't have nutritional value?

Not much. Not compared to a chia seed, dude. So tapioca is dishonest cuisine? No, I wouldn't say it's dishonest, dude. So tapioca's dishonest cuisine? Nah, I wouldn't say it's dishonest. Would you say tapioca's dishonest or no? Let's see. If you have bubble tea and you put something completely devoid of nutrition

and give someone three bucks for it, I don't know. I'd say it's a bit of a trick. It's tricky. I'd say it's tricky cuisine for sure. Don't fucking look at me like that. I don't know about these adjectives, but go ahead. You ever have bubble tea? These aren't the adjectives I might use, but go ahead, man. You ever have bubble tea?

No. It's pretty good. It's just tea with tapioca balls. So you just suck the tea up and a huge ball flies up in your mouth and you just chew it. It's like a flavorless gummy bear. Oh, nice. It's like milky. You know milky?

No. You ever had milky before? No. It's the dessert. It's like wrappedky. You know milky? No. You ever had milky before? No. It's the dessert. It's like wrapped in rice flour and it's ice cream in the middle. No. Milky.

That's another dessert. I don't know how I feel. It's a good treat. I don't know how I feel about it, dude. I don't know how I feel about milky. It's just you eat it and you're just kind of like, I guess I like that.

I don't know. Really? Yeah. I hear you. It confounds the taste buds. Like Italian cookies? it and you're just kind of like, I guess I like that. I don't know. Really? Yeah. I hear you. It confounds. It confounds the taste buds. Like Italian cookies?

Like which ones? You know what I mean? The ones that come in like a box that are like hard, shitty, dry. Yeah. Don't fuck with them. I don't fuck with them at all. Do not fuck with them. There's a lot of desserts out there that just absolutely stink. Some of them are like biscottis.

Yeah. I don't understand. I think you're supposed to dunk it in coffee for like three hours. Yeah. Yeah. scotties yeah i don't understand i think you're supposed to dunk it in coffee for like three hours but yeah man oh man i um fighting that gravy cold bad are you really yeah i picked up a gravy you're patient zero dude gravy cold dude got a gravy you got the gravy virus dude so i've been eating all these chia seeds And I was like painting my downstairs I'm like moving and grooving all weekend Dude, I was like wiping my ass today

I look at the floor and I'm like What the fuck is that? There was little chia seeds scattered all over my I stand up to Captain Morgan and wipe my ass I stand up and fucking hit it like that And I look down the floor There were fucking chia seeds They came

I wiped and they like shot out of my They were propelled out of my butt. No. I had fucking owl ass. No. I had an owl ass, dude. That can't be real. I was like an owl.

I was sitting there, I wiped my ass and fucking seeds. Yeah, full rodent. Seeds just went, and like. No. Scat.

I had scat popping out. Damn. Yeah, chia seeds. I mean, that's the point of seeds is to do exactly that. For you to eat them and then shit them out and they spray.

Chias are supposed to be, flax are supposed to have to grind up. Chia, you're supposed to be absorbable by your body. So I, you know, in good faith, I got some chia pudding. Didn't really chew it up that well thinking like all's good. And you shit it out on the floor. I had a couple, I had some, my butt was spitting seeds. Did you pick them up and examine them? Yeah, I did pick them up too because they're so small.

I had to like press my finger down on down on them to stick to my finger. I, like, looked at them. I was like, that's definitely a GSE. Wow. And then I'd wipe my ass and look at the toilet paper. I'm like, that's exactly what I picked off the ground. Wow. My ass was spitting seeds, dude.

I was germinating the tile, dude. That's crazy. Yeah, it's kind of bullshit. I was kind of pissed about it. How far away? Like, I mean. They didn't go that far. So you stand up and lift your leg?

You Captain Morgan to wipe your ass? Well, yeah, I don't lift my leg, like, as high as Captain Morgan, because he puts his leg onto a go that far you stand up and lift your leg you captain morgan to wipe your ass well yeah i don't lift my leg like as high as captain morgan because he puts his leg onto a barrel you stand up my leg onto a squatty potty so i'm like a like a minor really minor captain well no wonder you had to wipe your ass again when you got here you wipe bad well i used to wipe sitting down like poorly i had to switch i do the stand-up wipe why why'd you have to switch it's weird for me to like lean all the way over and reach around. I feel like that's how girls wipe their butt. Otherwise, the best thing is you lift up the fucking bees and you go from the front and just dab it up.

That's wild. Just dab it out, dude. Nobody wipes like that. I used to do it. You used to wipe from the front? I used to grab my, lift my balls up and just fucking dab it out and just throw it in. I used to do it. You used to wipe from the front? I used to grab my, lift my balls up and just fucking dab it out and just throw it in. I used to spread. I would like spread and hit my fucking dinosaur skin underneath my balls and be like, oh, man.

Yeah, of course. How long were you doing that for? Pretty much until like four years ago. No. Swear to God. You would wipe. You would lift your sack up and reach in front of you and to get your butthole yeah and i would reach around i'll give myself a whole reach around

on the toilet because it's like you can scoop down otherwise like lifting shifting my cheeks off and like doing like a side wipe it's just i'm definitely just gonna smear my fucking ass crack you can do that my i'm just gonna spray shit on my back you can do that you ever do that. I'm just going to spray shit on my back. You can do that. Did you ever do that and then sit back down in the toilet and you stamp the toilet? Yeah, probably. I hate that. But yeah, so I stand up. Standing up is the best. That front wipe is...

You did that since you were a boy? Since I was a young boy. Until just about when you were 30. You did it for almost 30 years. Pretty much, yeah. I stopped. I was talking to my cousin about it and just brought it up nonchalantly. I was lifting my balls and wiping my ass.

This was a couple years ago, and he was like, what? Yeah. I was like, oh, my bad. I guess you hadn't really ever seen anyone wipe their ass. No. So you don't know. No. I got someone looking out for me now.

Yeah, I'll take care of you. Let me know. Oh, yeah, you got an ass. I got bae, dude. Your butt, you yeah I got something let me know oh yeah you got a fucking you got an ass I got bae dude you butt man I didn't want to know dude until like I was always assuming like yeah my ass is fine

and then that would jar one loose not a dump but that might stimulate a fucking J.O. what? getting the whole nuts

and dick and nuts in a hand yeah it might start one for me oh holding holding the whole thing if you get the whole package and you're moving it around a little, that might result in me immediately firing one off.

So if you got it at a nice tropical fruit basket and you're reaching around, I guess that's kind of a double whammy. And you're hitting butthole while you got the whole group together? Yeah, you're just fucking dabbing too. And you're poking it? And you got to get in there. No one ever tells you how deep you got to go into your butt to wipe it. True.

Do you go into your butthole to wipe it? Not anymore. You would stick the toilet paper in. Not that far in. It would penetrate your asshole? Not on the very last one. I would do like a nice surface wipe. And then plug it up.

Then I'd do an exploratory probe. And I'd be like, not like real far in. Nothing left in the cabinet. The way you're doing it, it would be like however big the toilet paper was. I would give it maximal pressure on the toilet paper and then pop out. So I'm not like my,

I'm not like using physical force. Yeah. It's just like, I'm letting the toilet paper go as deep as it possibly can go as toilet paper. Yeah, you're letting the toilet paper do the work.

Yeah, I'm gonna like the night before. You're jamming up your ass. The night before, I'm like twisting it into like real hard little fucking paper balls. Prepare like 15,

sit them up by the toilet. So you would lift your balls up and then just... Like not in a wiping motion. Yeah, no one told me how to wipe my fucking ass. Like a jamming motion into your butthole. Kind of, yeah. So this became a real fucking erotic thing. Not for me, just for you.

Lifting your sack and fucking fingering your butthole from the front. That was just business. No, I know you probably thought it was strictly biz, but I'm telling you, if you lift the whole gang up, and then the way you wipe your ass is to just jab and finger at your butthole. Yeah. A little more artful than that, though. I was kind of like...

A little, yeah. I was dabbing. I'd hit it with some... I'd waddle over with my pants on my ankles, fucking get some water on that thing. Really? Wet the toilet paper, for sure. You got to get...

Do you ever get the wipes? I got them now. I ordered a case. Yeah. People want to talk shit. I've been in your bathroom and seen it. Yeah, they come in the guest bathroom, see literally 30 packs of butt wipes,

and it's like, yeah, dude. Yeah, we have clean assholes around here. I work hard. I fucking play hard, dude. Work hard. Yeah, man. But. We have clean assholes around here. I work hard. I fucking play hard, dude. Work hard. Yeah, man. But yeah, this is a tough day. Why?

Now the hangovers are now two days long. But I'm all right. I'm doing all right. This cold sucks. Yeah. It's kind of impeding my thought process quite a bit. You think so? Yeah.

Sinus is a little sinus. And you got a doodle tooth. And you got a doodle tooth. And I got a doodle tooth going. Yeah, man. Which I thought was not acting up, but it acted up a couple times this week. For sure. It don't go away. I got to get rid of it.

It sucks dick. I got to go to the fucking dentist. There goes all your money. Shoot a floss. Come on, man. Please, dude. You could probably honestly get fake teeth if you want it. Yeah. You should. I should get honestly get fake teeth if you want it. Yeah.

You should. I should get just gold teeth. Some canines. You're saying all gold teeth? Yeah, all gold canines. Damn. You look like a fucking street shark. Damn.

Dude, if you got all canines, would be fucking sick you look like baraka the only thing i want to talk about right now is the turd dude what is it the turd oh my god yeah i was just threatening him with what if i made all the dogs call him the turd yeah just people turn like oh he's yeah, why would you do that? He don't want it. No, don't call him the turd. Listen, if you listen to this podcast and you see Chris O'Connor, do not call him the turd. Please.

Please do not. Yeah, dude, that would be horrible. I will feel bad if you do. But we were joshing around and calling him the turd. And it is funny. God damn, it is funny. Oh, boy. Yeah, I boy yeah i'm fucking hurting yeah yeah i'm all right we got one off at my parents house last night i was big what do you mean you got one off you know what i'm talking about fired one off did you really yeah how'd it feel i've been a lot a lot

of that lately what you've been firing off there a lot i've been staying at my parents house a couple times this month so you think you're jerking harder now than you did before? What do you mean? Now that there's like some real hard stress in my life? Well, no.

I'm just saying like now that you're back at your parents' house, would you say this is like the best jerking you've ever done there? Last night was one of the better cranks I've had.

Really? Yeah. This was just after two days, three days on the road. Oh, you had a hangover. You did a hangover. I had a hangover. So the hang hangover. I had a hangover.

So the hangover makes you want to jerk off right away. But I've been sharing a room with a turd. You can't jerk off with a turd. So you're fucking horny. I was loaded. That's an erotic roommate, dude. That is a very erotic roommate. Me and O'Connor do have some sexual tension.

For sure. For sure. For sure. We almost, we got upgraded into a bigger room last night or two nights ago. But initially it was in a king size. It was just one bed. And me and the turd were going to split it. You guys want to share the bed?

I would have slept with him. No problem. You have no choice. No problem. You would have bedded with the turd? I would have bedded the turd. Oh my god, that's so fucking funny. He's going to be none too pleased. You think so? You think he's gonna He's gonna be none too pleased

Do you think so? Think he's gonna call you a traitor? Yeah I think he'll be Pretty upset about this Especially after how loyal He was to me The last like month Damn

It's just first chance I get Just immediately Call him the turd Damn you think You think you turned on him? I turd on him Damn I mean it's so

It's too funny of a nickname And all you have to do Is just be like Yeah sure I'm the turd But I don't think That'll happen It's tough to The turd on him. Damn. I mean, it's too funny of a nickname. And all you have to do is just be like, yeah, sure, I'm the turd. But I don't think that'll happen. The turd's tough to escape. As a nickname? I mean, it's like anything else.

The pest, the turd. The pest is great. The pest is great. The turd is too good. The pest? Wait. Are you talking about Jared? It's John Leguizamo.

Oh, my friend Jared, we call him the pest. They call him the pest? Yeah. Oh, I mean, is he a pest? He just will literally text nonstop just to fuck. Like, he's only instigating shit at all times. Did he ever live it off, or is he still The Pest? My friend Weaver still calls him The Pest.

Yeah, did you know one-syllable nickname's kind of tough? The Pest. The Turd. The Turd is... The Turd? I was like, don't say it, but we've been talking about the turd for 28 minutes. Yeah, the turd's the only thing. Well, and especially because O'Connor's so funny,

like all the way he just fucks up constantly. He's always just fucking up. So calling him the turd, watching him buzz around. The turd is always, he's coming up with a plan to get something. It's a good thing. It is, man. Oh, my God. Yeah, dude.

Dude, I figured out I have fucking CTE. Are you sure? Pretty sure. That's why I've been spazzing. I did the math. I've never been spazzing this hard, dude. I don't think it's CTE. I think you just got engaged and have a kid on the way.

It was just a national scandal. So I think maybe that has something to do with you freaking out all the time. Could be. I can't tell. Whenever like some shit's going on with me, I'm just kind of like, no, I'm chilling. And then I like smash a glass into the dishwasher and be like, all right. Maybe I'm not chilling. A little bit over the top.

Dude, there's I was fighting with my bay and just i'm telling you though it's been post-concussion i've always been a phone smasher like my big thing was like driving in the car arguing with the bay and then like she'd be like i can't do this right now i would get i would get banged on she would dickhead me and i would just be like boom into the passenger side and i would shatter i would break my phone screen that was like you know that's happened i always always told, I told, I told Brittany that. I'm like,

as soon as I, you made me smash your phone, I was like, you're the Hall of Greats. What's your background on your phone? It's a classic, it's a classic scene.

It's a classic scene of Orpheus and Eru Dicey. What are they doing? Well, Orpheus was sent to rescue her out of Hades and the, the god of the netherworld was just like, all right, dude,heus was sent to rescue her out of Hades,

and the god of the netherworld was just like, all right, dude, he was so sick on the loot, they were like, we'll let you take her out, but you can't turn around and look at her until you get out of there. And then he was like, they're right at the mouth, and she said something, and he turned around, and she floated back down and died. Fuck.

Yeah, dude, he almost pulled his bay out of hell. And then she was like, hey, and he was like, don't, oh, shit, fuck, he almost pulled his bay out of hell. And then she was like, hey. And he was like, don't. Oh, shit. Fuck. Fuck. So back to the CTE thing. You think you have CTE? I think so, dude.

I've never spazzed this hard. Dude, I'm talking, like, I'm talking, obviously, I kicked the water bottle, broke it. That was nothing. That was small potatoes. When was that? That was, like, a couple months ago. I don't remember that. i remember kicking the bag a bag that's right i kicked a bag socks the socks i kicked the socks basket yeah i spazzed out kicked the socks basket that was totally which had to be funny because a bunch of like soft and like colorful things flew everywhere

they were footies and they like they didn't barely even flew they just kind of spilled over so i grabbed an empty water bottle smashed that very, very unsatisfying, but the cap broke. And I was like, all right, cool. Nice. And then I don't... That's the thing, too, dude. I've been blacking out. We'll be arguing, and then all of a sudden I'll break something, and I'll be like, what

the fuck are we fighting about? No idea. Yeah. I'm basically having... I'm killing brain cells. Well, what you guys are fighting about is probably very forgettable. It's annoying, yeah. Like, as soon as you do something, like break something,

your brain wasn't going to maintain whatever that fucking argument was. Because I guarantee the argument was retarded. Oh, definitely. They tend to be. Dude, there was a mug. It was a clear mug, super heavy. Yeah. I tried breaking the mug. Just was a clear mug, super heavy. Tried breaking the mug.

Just fucking put a hole in my floor. The mug didn't break. I was like, fuck. I'm like, oh, fuck. You spiked a mug? Dude, I spiked a mug. I spiked an olive oil bottle. That was disastrous.

That was bad. Oh, that's a shitty cleanup. Dude, I had to repaint. I mean, I was going to repaint anyway, but when oil gets on the wall, that shit's like... Yeah. That shit's really bad. I had to take a crud cutter, wipe it in, wipe it out with water. It was a splatter over the wall and the whole fucking...

All over the ceiling. So I had to do all this stuff. I repainted it and fixed it. When did you do this and where? In the kitchen? A few weeks ago, yeah. You smashed a bottle of olive oil? There was not that much left, but yeah.

Why? I was spazzing, dude. What were you bottle of olive oil? There was not that much left, but yeah. Why? I was spazzing, dude. What were you spazzing about? We were just arguing. It's not even about what we were arguing about. It's the mode of battle. So it's like, you know, we're chilling. We're fine.

When did that happen? Huh? When did the olive oil happen? Like, pretty much the day before we did our last cast. You know when I was all fucking googly-eyed? Yeah. I was skitzing the fuck out, dude. I was spazzing. damn yeah dude i've been

i've been hitting into some like real infantile rage it's pretty sick that's cool but yeah i think i'm good now i think i've i think i'm i'm all out of my system dude shop vacs been busy sweeping up glass but other than that dude it's been you've just been smashing things smashing shit yeah oh man yeah did you talk to anybody about this yeah i'm a therapist i'm talking about therapy how'd that go she was just like you know it's fucking hot and i was like yo thanks bitches do bitches do respond to smashing things like punching walls if you punch a wall a girl loves you for sure it's like a guarantee well the fucked up part is i'll sit there quietly and be like okay well we can just talk about this you don't have to yell keep yelling keep yelling keep yelling there's something about getting yelled at i think

that sends me over the edge when i'm being quiet i'm being cool i'm also being cool kind of in like a dickish way but i'm not i'm not yelling i don't know why you gotta be yelling and then it'll be like a storm it's like the yell to a last word storm off. It just fucking, I get like. Oh, so you smash them post fight. Like while she's gone. It'll be, well, it'll be like. Like her walking away. On the walk off.

I don't have anything cool to say. And I'm just like, I'll be like, I'll be, usually I'm like cleaning dishes and shit. Like, okay, well, just like to distract myself. You guys got to get a dishwasher. We do have one. All right. But I'll be. You got to get someone else washing dishes.

I smashed. The other thing was I was loading the dishwasher and and then there was a glass, and I smashed that into the dishwasher. Into the dishwasher. Fuck. That's horrible, dude. Fuck. It's a bad cleanup.

So you smashed a glass. You failed at smashing a mug. Yeah. You smashed a water bottle. You kicked a box of... Footies. Footies, and you... Punched a stair railing, hurt my knuckles.

You punched a stair... Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, yeah. I remember this, because I i've never done that stuff i never punched or smashed but i any i remember like i would want to and like i would like go to punch a wall and like kind of hold up kind of like don't hit it that hard and then you know and then you have the realization that you're a pussy and yeah man you shouldn't be mad at anything it's not a good look

exactly that's the problem man it's not a good look so I've been real I mean I was like cooling out real good it's something about a fucking woman yelling at me

fucking sends me over something about that bothers you it sends me over the fucking edge boy oh boy dude you're telling me good lord

when women be yapping at you oh when they hit the high notes on you you're just and I'm like alright hey we don't have to yell we do couples counseling and everything

I'm like remember just Julie listen fucking olive oil or she'll fucking we'll be talking and she'll go like this

and just ignore me and start writing it down to bring to our couples counseling oh my god and I'll just be like that's cool what do you got like peek over her shoulder

what are you writing how are you writing let me get my side yeah yeah yeah it's fucking brutal wow that's when i reached level three that's when i was just like you know what man i have to have to transcend this because it's also a horrible look wait wait did we talk about the levels we talked about level three yeah just when you just recognize level two is where you recognize the shit they do yeah you're like this is on these motherfuckers level three is is go. All right. They're doing their best, dude. This is just they just do weird fucking shit.

You just fucking sign in the cross. Yeah. After you fucking smashed a bottle of Dr. You got Chris in the sink. You got to smash a fucking bottle over the sink. Well, it's embarrassing. It's kind of unbecoming, dude, to be fucking breaking stuff. It's very unbecoming.

I'm pretty chill. I'm pretty chill. You are deceptively not chill. It's a shadow side, dude. Yeah. I'm telling you. There's very unbecoming. I'm pretty chill. I'm pretty chill. You are deceptively not chill. It's a shadow side, dude. Yeah. There's a side of you. You're a little brat. Yeah, a little.

Little Brat McCusker will come out. Brat McCusker will lose a game at NHL and stomp up the steps. Be like, I don't care. I just don't know why you gotta fucking talk so much while we play. Yeah, you fucking ruin it Cause you're an asshole

It's not about fucking video games dude I'm sorry I don't just sit here and play all that Oh yeah I would play video games But yeah I would like start talking shit about that Like I don't even know how you got so good at these games It's fucking embarrassing If you ask me I'm going upstairs for six hours Oh man

Yeah man the olive oil bottle was a bad one Olive oil bottle sucks Especially just cause you you had to do chores to fix it. Dude, it was like... I didn't know if it was going to actually work. Spackle or whatever you had to do. It was crud cutter. If anyone ever gets a bunch of olive oil... First of all, don't smash olive oil.

If you do it, it's crud cutter. And then you do dish soap and water. Scrub it down real good. Another spray and wipe a crud cutter. And then sand that down in a coat of shellac. soap and water scrub it down real good another spray and wipe a crud cut crud cutter and then sand that down in a coat of shellac it was a fucking extensive dude wow it was extensive and then i painted over that with a beautiful off-white nice gorgeous now the kitchen is gorgeous painting the kitchen was definitely the it was the mending of our relationship very

symbol i only pretty much move and communicate through symbolism. Yeah. So, you know, I painted the whole kitchen, whole downstairs. Dude, she had these colors picked out. Oh, my God. Wow, you guys. Her color scheme she put up, I was like, this is looking like a fucking high school gymnasium, dude. It was like just the weirdest.

I was like, dude, I had to take charge of the design. Oh, you were saying her color designs were shitty. We both like having a lot of colors, but she tried to throw in this orange out of nowhere in the charge of the design. Oh, you were saying her color designs were shitty. We both like having a lot of colors, but she tried to throw in this orange out of nowhere in the middle of the room, and I was just like, I let her put it up, and I was just like,

yeah, I'm going to fucking wipe this out. Nice job. Yeah. I couldn't do it. Oh, you're a paint guy. Exactly. You know your paints. Professional painter, bro.

What'd you go with? Bayer? Bayer? Come again? Bayer? Home Depot? Bro. What'd you go with?

Fucking Ben Moore bro Oh alright I don't know who's I don't paint I'm not a peasant I don't do paint things I did I only live at King Leeds Ben Moore

Aura Matt Finish Bro it's the best juice It's the best Residential juice in the game Really Bro it's like syrup It's so thick

Covers like a fucking bitch Wow Bear is like fucking Water I would always use the roller Really? Bro, it's like syrup. It's so thick. Covers like a fucking bitch. Wow. Bears like fucking water. I would always use the roller and try to go too fast and just spray on me. You did this. Yeah, I was never a great painter. Who'd you paint with?

Just my family would make me paint things. Really? Dad's a good painter. Phil likes paint. Does he really? Yeah, he really does. Bro, I fucking love it. Likes painting.

I love it. I get into a trance zone when I'm sitting there. You're just? Yeah, he really does. Bro, I fucking love it. Likes painting. I love it. It's like I get into a trance zone when I'm sitting there. Because you're just like this, just cutting in. And once you get good at making a straight line, no tape, obviously. Once you get into making a straight line. You don't use tape? Hell no, bro. Oh, well, I use tape.

You use tape? I'm a tape guy. I'm not too proud. I'm not too proud. I don't want to make a stupid mistake. I like to play it safe, get it done. What happens when it bleeds through the tape, though? That's when I get ticked. That's when I smash a bottle.

Yeah, it was nice, man. I just sat there for like three days, just bombed out, and just painted my hole downstairs. That's nice. Looks beautiful. How does she feel about this? She's loving it. She's loving it?

Loving the color. Looks like McDonald's in there. Oh, dude, everyone's happy, dude. Oh, man, you would have loved the food's loving it. She's loving it? Loving the color. Looks like McDonald's in there. Oh, dude. Everyone's happy, dude. Oh, man. You would have loved the food choices this weekend. Would you have? Pretty much fast food for three days.

Bro. Yeah. What the hell? You know, like me, Beezer, and the turd hitting up fucking rest stops. Dude. You would have had a good old time. Why are you guys eating like that? I would have been eating fucking gas station snacks.

Beezer would come in with some sweet treats. He was eating fucking ice cream sundaes in the back. Oh, man. Yeah, me, Beezer, and the Turd are not a good fucking trio. No one's there

to kind of hold anybody accountable. That is tough, dude. All three are fucking like, yeah, do whatever. Do this. Very Lord of the Flies scenario. It is.

You guys need... Go ahead, man. Go ahead. I'm going to pause it. We're back the Flies scenario, dude. It is. You guys need, you guys need, go ahead, man. Go ahead. I won't pause it. We're back. We're back. Wow. We're back.

We've been joined with some high caliber talent, dude. Two thick fucking zaddies just came in here. Dicks out. Dicks plump. One brought sweet treats and orange juice.

The other brought a cold. You have a cold as well? He has a cold. I'm getting over it. I'm getting over it I'm getting over it Join us now Tim Butterly and Mike Rainey Thank you for having us guys

This is a real fucking treat Let's fucking do it This is a treat I think we need to discuss What just happened with The doll that you just showed us Pretty fucking nonchalant Pretty like

Hey check out this doll I bought To watch my Girlfriend or wife? We've been together almost 20 years, but we're not married. Yeah. Legally. Yeah, he bought a... Oh, wait.

Should we not talk about that? No, go for it. Yeah. I should have fucking asked before. Yeah, you explain it. Go ahead, man. Yeah, well, it's always been a dream of mine to see my wife chow box. So I figured we'd start off easy and buy a sex torso.

You just bought the torso. Well, I have to ask, too. That also might be the best way to get a sex torso in the house. Classy Trojan horse. It's for you to just eat pussy, and you're like every night like, oh, fuck. Sex torso. Wait, did you consider a fleshlight first or did you just go straight to the

flesh flam yeah that thing's well you need to learn how to grip butt cheeks you know you can't yeah that's 69 in it and shit true

good lord when your kids stumble upon that thing in the closet. You're going to have to keep it in a pillowcase and put it with the stack of pillows at the head of your bed. That's going to be tough to conceal. Dude, that's hiding a dead body for however long you want. You're going to roll it up in the carpet to throw it out?

You're going to have to. Your kids are going to find that. Well, it's eventually going to be in a closet with a dead kid. Have you, just for starters, laid it on your body and laid there? I haven't gotten it yet. Oh, you haven't gotten it yet? No. You can definitely try to put it on if you can.

Yeah, I will. You can crawl up the vagina and fucking inhabit it. It's going to expand its belly. You've got to dress up like Sonic the Hedgehog first. It doesn't count. Dude, that's a sick thing to do to get a sex torso. Yeah. Because you can be

plugging the B while she's fucking eating the fake box. You can be plugging the fake butt. I don't think she's going to be into eating the fake box.

It's not really about her. It's about you. Save it for your birthday. Does she know this thing's coming in the mail? Yeah, yeah. I actually sent it to her

when I saw it on it was like some hotpeppers.com or like some fucking sicko website. You go to like a sex torso website? Well, they have I saw it on, it was like, some, like hotpeppers.com or like some fucking sicko website. You go to like a sex torso website? Well, they have torsos on most sites.

The thing with torsos is they're a lot cheaper than full-limbed ladies. Okay. So. Just a bust, like a classic Roman statue. Yeah, just a, looks like you're porking the black dolly. I think the eyes would be the deal breaker on a full lady. Really? So you'd probably just have to get a headless You'd have to stop short of a headless

Or your wife wouldn't go for it But the thing is You can custom make your own ladies Like if you go to like If you have like tax money You can go to like the real doll site And just get your own kind of lady Like the whole head to toe?

Whatever you want The whole enchilada Yeah they're like what? Like 1500 bucks? Yeah Oh shit Yeah you can get a fucking lady dude I could just bring A sex doll

Just take it on the road You could Yeah Or just Put it between you And your babe While you're sleeping Yeah just

Gradually ease her Out of the equation And you know what The One of the stranger Aspects of this is Like they make Kid sized sex dolls

Stop Yeah Ooh You saw this On the website Yeah Jesus That's rough

You allowed to have them? How much cheaper are they? Do they sell them by the pound? I don't know. That's a tough debate. To find a child sex doll? I don't know if there's a lot of debate to be had there. I think you should let the boys have those.

Child sex dolls? Let the peds get a hold of those. You think? I think you should feel the real thing. They should be by prescription only, though. Yeah. Everyone has to know about you first, and then you can get one. Nah, that would be like the Oxycontin epidemic.

I know. We thought it was medicine. We didn't know. It's just like fucking kids. I thought you were talking about a black market. Like dudes getting the script for the child sex doll. I'm talking about guys getting hurt doing the trash truck. They're like, yeah, I had off for a couple weeks. I got talking about guys get hurt, like doing like the trash truck. They're like,

yeah, I had off for a couple of weeks. I got a child sex doll. Now I'm fucking real kids. The train wheels are off. Doctor gave it to me, said it would help. Fucking now I'm fucking real kids.

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, like, I think you guys all understood what I meant, right? What? Maybe the real thing would be better.

No, I don't think I agree with that at all. No, that pedophiles could be quelled a little bit I don't think I agree with that at all. No, that pedophiles could be quelled a little bit. If you toss them, toss down a little. Yeah, no,

absolutely. Did you ever try to like watch porn your way out of like a pussy drought? It doesn't work. Eventually you just like throw the phone down. You're like, I need pussy. Yeah. But you also never had a real doll in this,

in this comparison. You're one step short here. What's the rules on where you leave? You ever try to $1,500 your way out of a pussy drought? Are you allowed to go put your real boy sex doll on the slide and be like, hey, come here. What's the rules around that? It's like Build-A-Bear.

You can buy him outfits. You can stuff your own boy. You talk to him through a chain link fence at the playground. Daddy's going to get you back. Daddy's real close to getting you back So you tell Cheyenne You gotta find a lady to tell you that she found a judge That will keep him away from you You're like no

I'm gonna get you What kind of dicks are on the kids? No you're not getting boy dolls The only one that they had on the website? No, you're not getting boy dolls. The only one that they had on the website was a girl doll. Shane, it's funny you bring that up because I think you have to get that custom made. Yeah, that's a custom order. That's a custom?

There's no way they're selling little boy dolls. An aftermarket baby dick on a doll. Yeah, you can get one made. Are the boy dolls functional? There are no boy dolls. I'm saying, can you custom make a functional boy doll? You know what? I think we just found our sex doll niche. Oh, my God.

Yeah, there is no boy doll. There's a big market right there for young boys. You know what I mean? Closing a gap in the market, dude. Oh, you know what I mean by functional, too, right? No. You can... Suck it off.

There are dildos, though. Matt, there are dildos you could fill them with. They actually make a jizz imitation that you could fill inside these things. A serum. Yes, a serum, if you will. And if you squeeze the balls, it'll shoot out. I see them in porns all the time. It pisses me off.

They suck. Especially the screen grabs. Like a girl covered in jizz. It's like, yes, dude, I'm excited to see this. It's just some clearly turkey baster. Yeah, a guy's holding his dick on the entire time he's having sex. It'll get a little foamy for like 10 minutes, and I see him holding it the whole time. Usually like the third or fourth rope.

Oh, the rope. Never mind. This sucks. It's probably how factory workers feel when they see everything automated that they used to do. See these arms putting together like a Cadillac or something. Yeah, that's how you feel when you see all those ropes. So you can order little girls, and you just can't order a little boy doll. Yeah, there was a little boy doll there.

That's probably a demand thing. That's probably like a regulation or... True. Right? I also would imagine they're not marketing them as little girl dolls. You know? What are they doing? It's just like, this is more...

You can hide it easier. So we made it smaller. On the go? It just happened to have... It's a travel real doll, yeah. It's an on the go. It fits in a car seat. It's a travel real doll, yeah. It's an on-the-go. It fits in a car seat. It's TSA compliant.

Carry-on. Carry-on real doll. It's like when they make the smaller PlayStation. Are you tired of buying a ticket for your real doll? Damn, dude. I can't wait to hear. So it's just a torso then? Yeah.

But you're all right with it. You're all right with it. I felt horrible when I had a flashlight for a month or however long we had that. Yeah, we did have flashlights. How long did we have those? I think mine... I threw mine out first only because I ruined it. I didn't wash it.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fucked up my dick. I threw mine out. I ran out of lube. So that kind of just... It's useless without that.

Yeah, if you try caveman. You just drop it into that dumpster. It's like a mousetrap. If you take a flashlight and you don't lube it up, it's like sticking in a sticky trap. Did you get powder that you put inside of it that's like a disinfectant? Because I remember when I had a pocket pussy back in like 98. Damn. It came with it.

And it's like you run it under the faucet. And like you're supposed to like dump the powder in once it's wet. Yeah. It dries it up. Oh, that's what homebrewers use to clean their home. Micropoonery. No, I'm ashamed to admit I took very bad care of my synthetic vagina. Yeah.

What do you think that tells you? I would just shower with it and then just bring it in to clean it and fuck it in the shower and then just kind of let the water hit it and shake it off. Yeah, dude. They're like contact lenses. 30 days max and then you you gotta fucking throw them out. Yeah, yeah. But you leave them in way too long.

Smuggling one of those out. We were living with four other dudes, and you'd bring your flashlight to clean off the shower. I'd have to smuggle it back to my room. That was the worst. It was the worst. Swaddle it in a towel.

Yeah, man. It's disgusting. Shameful. Yeah, eventually you just had to set it free. How'd you feel when your babe found it? Just throw it in the fucking dumpster. When my babe found it, ashamed. So that's what's bringing me to this.

This guy's ordering a fucking torso with no shame. I'd feel horrible. I didn't order it with any shame, but I imagine if I'm going to pork this thing. When you hold that thing, you'd be like, what have I done? Well, I remember feeling that with the pocket pussy. And on top of that, too, I left it at home when I moved out. I kept it in a leather bag. And I kept it in a leather bag in my closet.

And it was the last thing I left behind when I moved out of my mom and dad's house. I don't think she saw it, though. Like I went back as soon as I realized. And it was like one of those things where like you realize you left the oven on. So I went back and I got it. And I threw it in the sewer at the end of the street. Damn. Some Ninja Turtle.

He's putting five bucks up thinking it's his pizza. Ew. Some Ninja Turtle. Ew, dude. Fucking radical. Damn. I'm excited for you, honestly. I can't wait till you bring that

I'm gonna send you pictures man oh please do that'd be a nice Imgur stream you ever find your dad's porno mags and you're like whoa this is crazy

this is can I even enjoy this this is risky never found out never found out again that's what I'm saying about Mike's

well that's what I'm saying is like now open that closet and be like Jesus Christ there's a potential for any kid to find a fucking flashlight or a full torso in the closet and then they're at a crossroads right there they're like oh my god do what do i do i fuck it oh that answers yes that's a new complex and they haven't named yet that's a complex for you now your kid your kid might fuck your torso and then you're gonna fuck oh my god your kid might cuck your torso

your kid's gonna yeah no i'm gonna nip that in the butt i'm just gonna get him the kid though it's gonna be under the christmas tree with a bow on it oh man make sure your boy doesn't fuck that thing he's not a fucking age yet he's got another two years all right i think before that's when the that's when you're at the potential for the most disturbing shit to happen i think yeah like when you're not expecting it that's when because like right now like uh our our boy's taking a lot of showers lately but he's too young so like now i'm like well what happens when i eventually suspect that this dude's beating off my house do i like ask him about it what do i do

i think you just let him let him run yeah let it rip right yeah let him go let him beat off yeah how are you gonna are you talking about like catching him cold-handed or just i don't want to catch it that's the thing it's like i i want to stop him from fucking beating off in communal spaces in my house sure but i also don't want to like number one ask him about it and the other like what am i gonna like gotcha don't do that have the talk and just scar him for life. Like, yo, it's chill if you beat off. And I'm like, oh, fuck that. Yeah, he's never going to beat off again.

I actually think it's lit if you beat off. Tim, that shower thing was my move. And, like, as soon as I figured out how the pieces worked, that's all I was doing. What age? Probably 11. And then I remember it would take, like, an hour-long shower after school every day. And I came home, and my mom was on the phone with my aunt. She's like, there he is, the cleanest boy in Delaware County.

What were you doing in the shower? Just beating it relentlessly. Oh, did you? And I didn't know that cum didn't go down the drain. Yeah. It just builds up until eventually it forms like another tub. Shower slugs, dude. Damn, so you're clogging the

drain yeah man me too man that was my exact move i thought i got away with it until like recently i thought i got away with that and my family my sisters were like yeah you know everyone knew you were jerking off the whole time i was like yeah you gotta lean into it dude every day yeah no one did anything about it so yeah what are you guys doing who's the fucking pussy's gonna do about who won that situation? I was in there an hour long shower, same thing. That was the best. Yeah.

What kind of porn did your dad have? It was just Playboys. It was actually so fucking lame and old that I was almost like, I got a little bit of internet right now. This isn't much. This isn't doing it. My dad would come on the pages. You couldn't read anything because everything was just a cotton bun.

That's how you end up splitting the torso to be honest yeah coming on the pages is a sick dad would tribute the fucking that's crazy he would pay tribute to the playboy magazine finding their pornos is one thing finding their cum is entirely different dude what kind of loads is he rocking just he wasn't he wasn't taking in any greens. It was just straight yellow loads. And it was like, you could just look at the front and back of the magazines because everything was glued together. And my mom, it's like she was doomsday prepping with dildos. It was just two drawers full. So you grew up in a sex toy positive house. Man, that's fucking sick.

It all makes sense. Your mom was a dildo hoarder dude she had a drawer full of them it was dude she looked like if there was a fucking nra for dildos she was ween la pierre she had a stash oh man she was damn wowee damn i didn't find any kind of my mom just found my porno and yelled at me dude how did you feel when you found the dildos? It changed things. Did it really? Yeah. You stopped listening? Well, dude, that was another thing.

We lived in a fucking very small house. They were the next bedroom over and they would fuck with the bedroom door open. Yeah, and they would fucking tear it up too. Of course, dude. Fuck, dude.

The worst was when my mom was trying, or my dad was trying to get my mom to blow them and she wasn't giving in. I'm not fucking doing this. It was like a whisper argument. Yeah.

You heard a whisper argument? Dude. You heard your dad give the whisper argument? It felt like fucking forever and she just wasn't giving in. Toward the end of it, I was rooting for her.

I was glad she wasn't giving in. Oh, nice. Yeah, she stood her ground. Yeah, she wasn't sucking that thing. What was he working with? What kind of logic? He was just, come on in that socket.

You got a socket or what? Come on in that socket. How got a socket or what? Come on in that socket. How old were you? I don't know, maybe like 10. Damn. Did you know what a blowjob was before that? Yeah. I guess I heard 10.

Oh my God. Damn, dude. That's some real fucked up shit. This is so awesome. I'm loving this, dude. I found massage oil in my parents' bed and'm loving this, dude. I found massage oil in my parents' bed, and I was like, ooh. I was just like, my mom's giving HJs.

I'm like, that's what's up. Hooking my dad up. That explains you, too. You're a sensual man. Exactly, dude. Wow. She was rubbing him down. Your parents really do. I've never been bothered about the thought of my parents having sex.

It never bothered me at all. Dude. Then again, I never heard my... This explains everything about your entire life these first like like yeah i found playboys under a workbench in my dad's basement so that's obviously i'm if i fucking beat off in a cellar covered in just fucking cobwebs and that's why i'm like rubbing myself in baby powder dude the oil was the world's first powder jerk dude it was arabian musk. Dude, the world's first powder jerker. Dude, it was Arabian musk. If I smell that smell, I'll cum, dude. It was the...

Jesus Christ. Wait, you smell... Wait, what? The scent of this oil. You can't get an Uber. Of your parents. The scent of this oil. It was Arabian...

Your mom's oil. It was on the nightstand. Your mom's sex oil. I saw it on the... He never smelled it on her. Obviously, I'm like, I'm not going to let my dad get all the good hand jobs. I jerked myself with it.

You used their lube? Yeah, dude. Of course, I found it. It smelled good. And I'm like, let's see what this is about. Dude, it was the silkiest oil. Oh, no. Dude, you used the same lube as your parents?

For sure. Fuck. I saw it in there. I'm like, because I used to go in that room and jerk off all the time when I was supposed to babysit. The Arabian Musk was sitting out out and I'd watch Spice. Dude, I was... Don't get me wrong.

I think you're... You didn't commit a crime here. Oh, for sure. That just sucks for them. I got news for you, Shane. Dude, when you were backing up the shower and that water was touching your family's feet, you cummed on your family's feet. True.

I'm down with that. A lot. But... Little cum islands. You think that's any better or worse than using some juice? Using the same lube as your pants using the same juice yeah I do

this was the silkiest if you like melted Vaseline and butter and jerked off with it it was the silkiest dude you should be the pitch man for this now dude

you gotta contact tweet this clip at them I'm gonna try to find Arabian Musk dude it is the shit god damn it shit smelled good and turned me on

I wonder if that's what those Egyptians rub on your hands at the mall when they sneak up on you. Yeah, you just go like, oh fuck, some rules. All my fucking one fingernails smooth as hell, dude. Yeah, I get it.

Damn, dude. So you heard that. That couldn't be it. Yeah, it was relentless, but eventually... What am I going to say? You heard that. You had to. That couldn't be it. There has to be. Yeah, it was relentless. But eventually, like. Did you ever fucking say something to him? What am I going to say? Get it, boy.

Yeah. Yeah, I never confronted him about it. Like, sex was just always weird in the house. Like, my dad, he would, like. My sister had a boyfriend at work that was gay video, which was, like, huge porno haven. Right on 70. The one in West Philly. Okay.

By University of Penn's campus. And my dad would knock on her door to ask if she had any tapes that he could bring it to work at the firehouse. He's a pornhound. Yeah, dude, he was fucking tearing it up. Damn, bro. Yeah.

How do you feel about it? Disgusting, man. That's why we're on fucking sex tours, man. No, I mean, you seem all it? Disgusting, man. That's why I'm wearing fucking sex torsos, man. No, I mean, you seem all right. No, I'm not. Oh, really? I fucked you up? No, well, I mean, it was like a distorted view of sex,

and I feel like I'm pretty relatively normal, you know, headless fucking fake ladies aside. That's not that bad. Bringing home a torso is okay. What kind of shipping did you order on it? Just the basic. It's going to take a while to get here It's like but that's part of the part of the appeal I'm edging to get my sex doll to walk

Oh my god that male was yeah, we know I saw I saw I saw the way back. Yes, bro My flashlight came to me. I saw Matt jumped out of my home. I was jumping up Looking in the refrigerator and the door the doorbell rang. He was like, yes, it's here And ran across I was on the couch and the doorbell rang. He was like, yes, it's here. And it ran across. I was on the couch and I was like, what's here? Nothing. And I was like, you know what's here.

You're excited about it. Well, dude, as far as cum related items in the mail, the thing that really fucking did it for me was that in 94, Howard Stern put out a New Year's Rotten Eve tape. And like back then, shit took like six to eight weeks to cum. And we were getting ready to go to Disney World. And it came the day before we left for Disney World. And I got home at like 8 o'clock that night.

My mom's like, something came for you. And I opened it up. And it was just like, I got to figure out a way to get the VCR upstairs tonight. And I did. And of course, it sounded like a bunch of black neighbors. I'm already fired. You didn't black neighbors. I'm already fired. Sorry to be there. I'm already fired, dude.

But edit that out. The VCR was very loud. Oh, man. I don't think you were being funny either. I was like, well, he was serious. It sounds like a bunch of black neighbors. Then he goes, oh, sorry. He touched my arm and apologized.

Rewinding. Using a VCR for scene selection on a porn. Oh, my God. In an Irish house, dude. What are you doing? How many beats did you catch at the Howard Stern party video? Dude, that night, I got, like, four.

And then, like, I went back down and hooked it up as though, like, nothing happened. And then we were away for, like, a week. And then when I came home, hooked it up as though nothing happened. And then we were away for like a week. And then when I came home, it was fucking on. Oh, dude, you're missing that tape. I would have found a way to get left behind. I would have gone home alone. Just go home alone with them.

Tip to that point. Dude, my dad gave me the sex talk on my, what was I? I think I was 12. On my 12th birthday, on the way to see Home Alone. And I just remember him like, it was just like. When I was at Home my 12th birthday on the way to see Home Alone. And I just remember him like it was just like I see Home Alone. You guys are chatting. Dude, he took me to my favorite diner to get spaghetti meatballs and then drove me to the AMC. And as we're going there, he's like, you know, I think you're getting to an age.

And then it was just like my stomach just sank because I knew it was coming. And I don't remember exactly what he said, but I remember he kept making the motion with his hands on the steering wheel of his thumb and his forefinger making a circle and his index finger going in and out of the circle. And it's just like, all right, this is I'm never going to forget this. Hell, yeah. What was it? What was the talk about? I don't know. It was just about like, this is how you fuck pussy.

Yes. Let's get some meatballs in you. Come on. Yeah. My mom tried starting a sex talk And my dad shut it down While my mom was doing it How far did she get Stop

She's like What do you know about You know your body's Going through My dad was like Mayor stop stop stop He was like well What has anyone talked about

He's like mayor Stop enough And I was like yeah I don't want to do this And then they were like Alright get out I don't think I ever got it And now I'm worried

That it might still be in Like I might have to get it Someday for my dad It just gets worse as you get older you never got vaccinated yeah your dad on his like

80th birthday he's gonna be like give a fucking chicken to your ass let's go to Thailand son it's a lot like chicken pox like your parents

will drop you off with the kids that already have it like let them go hang out with the fucking retarded kids. They'll definitely tell them what fucking is, and we don't have to have the talk.

What was the first uninhibited porn that you had access to, whether it was VCR-based or Spice Channel-based, Playboy-based? VCR-based. I'm excited to rewind this and listen to that question again Rainy you are out of your fucking mind You are nuts My brothers used to make me guard the windows

They would watch VHS porn I had to sit like this by the window Home century You shall not pass You ever fall asleep on post no i was so hard every like 30 minutes you're like come here and i get to watch and be like oh and i was like second grade i'd be like oh my god and i'd run back downstairs and be like i see the headlights you'd be like dude at Matt's funeral Bugler's gonna play Faps

Yeah when'd you first see porn? Oh man Well I don't know if this Is classified as porn But we had a free Preview of this Playboy channel

One weekend And like Yeah yeah well But it wasn't It was like I guess it would be Considered X rated There was no DNP

Sure it was not like Hogging a VCR in your room. Well, dude, Friday night would be like our normal family TV watching night, and my dad was switching channels, and he got to the free preview of Playboy Channel, and it was just like time to stop. Then eventually my sister and I were just like, all right, I guess we're going to bed now. Oh, my God.

He just left it on? Yeah. Damn. Yeah, he was a cunt hound. Well, before it was at Everyone's fingertips dude Like before it was out On like the internet

And on your phone Wait where were you guys When this happened In our living room You were just sitting there Watching TV Well dude we would watch It was like a Friday night thing

We would just watch TV together Yeah it was like fucking Urkel Urkel family matters Yeah Dude I had a friend's dad Do that when we were over One time

Cause they had Like the What was it When you had stolen cable Black box Yeah yeah Yeah dude And he like

We'd be there for like Wrestling pay-per-views And he would go up One pay-per-view channel And be like Softcore And he'd be like Hey you fucking pussies

Ever see this shit And we'd be like Yeah Yeah Pretty weird Looking back now Please go back to SummerSlam

Yeah Dude the first time I ever saw A port It was in a magazine Pretty weird looking back now Please go back to SummerSlam Yeah Dude the first time I ever saw A port it was in a magazine It was like you know You just find shit in the woods Sure And like I found a stack And I ran back home

And I went in my closet With a flashlight And the first time I ever saw What a pussy looked like up close It was like I felt like Nicolas Cage In National Treasure Like I knew I shouldn't have this

Like the only trouble Was going to come from me Having this document You had the declaration We didn going to come from me having this document. You got the declaration of independence? We didn't live near any woods because we lived in Kensington, and there was this time where we found a bunch of, like, discarded VHS cases

on these abandoned trolley tracks leading into an abandoned factory. Oh, dude. And now it feels like it was gumdrop. Like, it was like a trail that we were supposed to follow, but mostly we just stood there and, like, no one wanted to touch them because obviously they had cum on them dude yeah but we were all like i i can i can look at i can remember like the three other dudes faces i was with i can see them in my mind like committing it to memory just like a girl

like posing with her hand behind her head naked with her pussy out like dude i'm gonna take this home with me in my mind. Oh, my God. So fucking sick. Wow. I forgot about this. This guy at the end of my block had porn air fresheners in his car. And whenever I would walk to the bus stop as a kid, I would fucking just stare in this guy's car every day.

He parked out front of his house. He always had... He got different ones. It was great. Is it like nice smells or like snizz? I couldn't smell in the car. What did you say? Was it like nice smells? Like lemon scent? I couldn't smell in the car what did you say? was it like nice smells?

I didn't get into the car but yeah it would be nice the pizza shop on my corner had a Street Fighter 2 machine so we spent every day there every quarter we could come across we would spend our time in there and they had these shitty Italian mosaics

on the walls they were like inch Italian mosaics on the walls just the like they were like inch tile mosaics awful and the dudes that ran it his brother was like this fucking pill head and He got all fucked up and paid a dude to make a naked lady mosaic And it was as I mean it looked like a pixelated naked lady It was so bad the bone release and I would just be standing at the Street Fighter machine looking backwards over my shoulder like, damn, dude, that's a tit.

That's technically a tit, dude. Fuck, that's so sick. They eventually covered it with a pillowcase. Nothing was as magical as seeing tit in a movie when you were a kid. I remember seeing it

like Revenge of the Nerds. Remember where the guy's dressed up as Darth Vader and they're inside the fun house and he gets a chick to take her top off? It was just like,

I can't believe this is happening right now. Dude, there was tits in a leprechaun, too, wasn't there? That's what it got me. Leprechaun in space. Yeah, dude. Leprechaun in space, tits. That's funny that you brought that up, because did you ever- Those were the first ones for me.

When you went to Blockbuster Night with your family, did you ever try to steer the decision based on a movie possibly having tit in it? I got the wrong leprechaun movie one time, because I was trying to get leprechaun in space. And it was with a friend's family. It was a friend's family's Blockbuster Night. And I was like, I think the leprechaun movie one time because I was trying to get leprechaun. And it was with a friend's family. It was a friend's family's blockbuster night. And I was like, I think the leprechaun movie's pretty cool. I want to go see that. And no one wanted to get it. They all wanted to get Nightmare on Elm Street.

You know, whatever. And I was like, no, I'm pretty sure this leprechaun movie's pretty good. I got the wrong one. And there was no tit. And it just sucked. Yeah. It was just laying on a floor with my hand, like my chin in my hands. Just like, fuck, dude. Got to the credits. I was like, is there like an after credits scene?

I remember there being tit in those. Oh, my God. Yeah, when I was little, we had six kids, so we would go food shopping. And like, my mom spent so much money shopping for food that they gave us a free copy of the Titanic on VHS. My mom was just like, here, guys, they gave us the fucking Titanic. Obvious there was tits in there. Dude, we all got busted watching Rose fucking in the car

steaming it up. Was it on the first cassette? It was a two-cassette movie. I think it was on the first cassette if I remember correctly. My mom took it, smashed it, threw it out. I was like, fuck.

When your mom was walking in the room, was somebody like, iceberg right ahead? Dude, the most embarrassed I've ever been in front of a girl came up. I took this girl out for a couple of dates. And after the one date, she brought me back to her place and we didn't have sex or anything like

that. But, um, we were watching Titanic and, she tried out to be an Eagles cheerleader that day. She's like, you want to see the dance I did? I was like,

sure. And like, you know, like you see somebody do something and you feel the embarrassment that they should feel. Well, I have that association with Titanic.anic now anytime it comes on i automatically feel that embarrassment what she and she did the dance yeah well she was white and like these

dances were obviously designed for you know puerto rican or black girls and she what kind of what kind of dances you doing it was a lot of uh the running man and like so who actually yeah it was the running man and i remember like the head swirl so that your hair flips It was a lot of The Running Man. So who actually is doing The Running Man? It was The Running Man, and I remember the head swirl so that your hair flips around, and then pulling on an imaginary thing to pull yourself toward it. And she did that for you in front of you? Yeah. She auditioned for the Eagles, though.

That's pretty hot. Yeah. Was it Open Tryouts? Yeah, she was at Vince Papali Did you fog then? No I didn't get anything from her Oh really?

You just watched her do that dance And then Well dude like How hard did you clap for the audition? I just stood there frozen It felt like Forrest Gump When he's about to come on Jenny's bedspread

Where you just sit there With your hands in your lap It's like I don't know what to do How old were you? Well dude I was like I was 19 Like I'd never had like Any interaction with women come on Jenny's bedspread where you just sit there with your hands in your lap. It's like, I don't know what to do. How old were you? Well, dude, I was like, I was 19. Like,

I'd never had like any interaction with women. Like, I was a real late bloomer and honestly, like, I started to develop strong feelings for her

and my feelings were so strong that like, I didn't know how to deal with it so then I joined the Marines like a week later and I ghosted her. Damn, she's probably still

waiting for you, dude. Well, I saw her one day I was playing volleyball. She's probably still there doing the fucking like, running man. Wait, were you playing volleyball Well, I saw her one day. I was playing volleyball. She's probably still there doing the fucking, like, running man. Wait, were you playing volleyball in the Marines? No, dude, I was playing volleyball on Westchester University's campus.

And, like, I saw her on the sidelines. And, like, she's a very sweet person. Like, she waved to me, so I waved back, and that was the end of it. Damn, she wasn't, like, break dancing on cardboard or something. Mike, I'm still dancing. Did you get all kinds of troop pussy? I did not, no. No. Yeah, I didn't dancing. Did you get all kinds of troop pussy? I did not, no. No.

Yeah, I didn't get any. I did. Did you really? No, no, no. One week in West Point. Yeah, I got hit. You just joined the military? You're like, fuck this, dude.

Also, I thought it would be funny because my buddy Steve just went, and I thought it would be funny if we just saw each other in the chow hall because I knew the platoons would meet up there. We saw each other a month in at the rifle range. And it was fucking funny. Because I didn't tell them I was there. Steve just saw me there at Parris Island. And we laughed.

And we just got screamed at. And we had to do push-ups and shit. But it was pretty fun. Was you saying the joke worth it? Yes. Yeah. What happened? So I could have sworn

There was a story About you going there It was some chick Giving you Like your send off To the Oh yeah So funny

The party The party that My friends threw for me Like in like Three days prior To me leaving For Paris Island Well let me give

A little back story God damn it About Fucking cold bro About two weeks before this party like we had gone to like a rave and like we got pulled over and like there were more people in the car than there were seat belts so the cops are like all right well you guys all gotta go and being that these girls are underage like we gotta call their parents and i was like

look you can take me in just as long as you know this one's got a seat belt like there was you know no ulterior motives like i was just a nice guy and sure enough like uh at the send-off party like that girl um she let me chow her box and like the underage girl you saved from getting like a well she was 18 she wasn't under like but she was like shouldn't have been drinking like that yeah but that's why i'm at underage for drinking but uh yeah and like dude and like, you know, I hadn't had sex. And like, I was trying to jam it in. She's like, no, just stop. Just eat the box.

Yeah. And then I had like a bunch of, I had hickeys like all over my neck. Like, it was like ridiculous. So like, I was, that was a Saturday. I was supposed to leave on Tuesday. And I went in and the recruiter was just like, you can't go. Like, I can't send you there like this. It's just like, I look like an idiot.

You're covered in hickeys. Yeah. You got declined from the Marines. I got to go like a week later but like i had it was like cool to be a big problem in 1994 it was cool to be able to get like a week break before i actually had to go yeah because you got too much pussy to go yeah it was yeah it was like actually on my paperwork it's like a stamp like too much pussy damn so you munch box at a rave that's awesome so she how did that was she like hey thanks it's a brave thing you did for me yeah and it ran about way but then like of course i had to fucking creep it up i ended up dropping

her off at like six in the morning and then like i remember telling me during the night that like she was selling t-shirts as a fundraiser for school and uh at 7 a.m., it made sense in my mind, like, I gotta go back and see if I can fuck this time. So I was pounding on her parents' door at like 7 a.m. And her mom answered. I was like, yeah,

I'm here to buy one of Stephanie's T-shirts. And she's just like, what? So she's like, all right, I guess. So she led me upstairs to this poor girl's bedroom and the girl had already fallen asleep. So this poor girl wakes up and she sees me standing there.

And I had my money out I was like yeah I just want to buy a t-shirt before I go what'd she say? she's like ah okay so she went into her closet and she pulled out this tie dye t-shirt that she was selling for school damn you bought it what'd you do with the t?

I don't remember I probably did yeah that's what's up she blessed her shirt dude I didn't see her again but then like I was feeling nostalgic like the night before I was supposed to leave so I went to Spencer's gifts and I bought her and her friend matching glow in the dark

curtain beaded curtains and like I didn't want to present them to them I wanted to open it like you know how like dead people they'll like record their voice into a card and then open it in front of the family at their funeral or something and you'll hear their voice one last time and get emotional well i didn't want to be there to give it to her so i gave it to my boy brian it's like yo brian like when i'm going

like make sure you give uh stephanie and whatever the other girl's name was these beaded curtains and then like two months in the boot camp i got like this letter saying, hey, thanks for the curtains. I hope to see you around. I was like, all right, yeah, I did it. Holy shit, dude. That's got to be the most white trash fucking I've ever heard in my life. You went to Spencer's gifts and got them beaded curtains. And they were like, aw. When you were opening that.

Aw, it's so sweet. He gave us these curtains down from Spencer's. They glow in the dark. Yeah, they glow in the dark. Thanks for eating my pussy and sending me beads That was pretty nice of you Were you opening the envelope like She's gonna wait for me I was already scared The open mail there because like when you get anything

That seems like it's more than just a letter The drill instructor will open it To make sure it's not contraband And like at that party before i went away um my thing was getting naked all the time and my and and i had a i had i had a friend this this like lanky lanky black dude named reed and we were we took a bunch of pictures as though like we were making out and butt fucking and shoving vacuums up our ass. Shout out Reed.

Yeah. Shout out Reed. We took a bunch of naked pictures of us fake butt fucking. Yeah. And then my buddy Brian, who I entrusted to deliver the curtains, he took the pictures. And after I had gotten the letter from the girl saying, thanks for the beaded curtains, Brian sent me this stack of pictures to fucking boot camp and by

by the grace of God the fucking drill instructors didn't open it but like as I'm opening it I'm looking at all these pictures of me like pretend getting butt fucked by my black friend Reed

and I just like crumpled them up ripped them up threw them in the trash and like thank God that was the end of it because like I probably would've got

court-martialed yeah dude don't ask dude don't tell well this was before that this was 99 dude no it was the end of it because like I probably would've got court-martialed yeah dude don't ask dude don't tell well this was before this was 99 dude no

imagine being like it was the wild west man that night would've just been socks full of soap it was a joke it was a joke we were pretending we were pretending

having gay sex god that's so funny just like I showed up here to be with my friend Steve that's a bit too Steve tell him tell him that I came here to be with you

it's all a joke damn where's this dude at now? I don't know. The last I saw him, he came over my house the night the Phillies won the World Series. And I heard a ruckus. You got a kiss? No. Actually, I did tuck his dick back into his pants, though.

Because I heard a ruckus in my kitchen. And I was just going to bed. I was like, what the fuck is he doing out there? And he thought the kitchen was the bathroom. So he was peeing all over my kitchen set. He was drunk. Yeah. And so I was like, Reed, you're in the kitchen. You're in the kitchen. And kitchen was the bathroom so he was peeing all over my kitchen yeah and so like

i was like reed you're in the kitchen you're in the kitchen and he was mumbling so like i just tried like tucking his dick into his pants and i just picked him up and put him outside of the apartment and i was like this is a bit this is a bit this is it why'd you talk his dick in because he's pissing all over my kitchen set what did you want me to do let him finish you got it while pissing yeah Yeah, dude, you were still going at it. This was not... You tied it off first.

Yeah, this was not a penis either. Like, this was... Did you pinch it like a hose? Yeah, you had to. You would have got pissed. I was like... It was like a sidearm shaft. Did you grab the shaft?

Damn, it's like... Yeah. It's like grabbing a live snake if you pinch it or you throw it in the camera. It was a lot of dick. It was like, you know when you're a kid

and your parents tell you to clean up the room how you're just shoving shit into the closet like you know when you're a kid and your parents tell you to clean up the room how you're just shoving shit into the closet and like you back up against the door to shut the door it felt like that because it

just went on forever Wow dude ray train coming in let's sign in the page we're at an hour 16 uh yeah yeah the rest of this we'll just put on the motherfucking patreon

come to uh well, whatever. Helium, the 24th, 25th, 26th in Philly. You guys want to say anything before we go on the page? Yeah, we're going to go on Patreon. You guys want to plug anything? Absolutely not. Other than Reed's butt. I just want to thank the troops.

I support them, bro. Shout out to them.