Mike Birbiglia's Working It Out - 115. Pete Holmes Returns (Again): The Funniest and Longest Episode Yet

Episode Date: November 27, 2023

Mike’s new special, “The Old Man & The Pool” is finally on Netflix and he brings on an all-timer to celebrate. Pete Holmes returns for a third Working it Out, and he and Mike roast each other as hard as only old friends can. Mike and Pete discuss Pete’s new Netflix special “I Am Not For Everyone,” the problem with Micheal Jackson’s nickname “Wacko Jacko,” and what secrets Pete has in store for his next hour of comedy. Plus, Pete literally won’t stop doing impressions: Bill Burr, Jerry Seinfeld, John Mulaney, and of course, Mike.Please consider donating to: Homeboy Industries

I'm going to bring people up to speed. I'm here with Pete Holmes, one of my dear friends. And I say that because we're... I love that you think your idea of in outer space is better than me just finishing a sentence. I didn't think you were going to stop. I thought it was going to be kind of like a soundtrack. Like you were like, this is Mike Birbiglia.

I'm literally introducing the episode. This is free ice cream. They have no idea what they're listening to. You really do look like a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy of Paul Rudd and somebody superimposed Matt Damon and sprinkled a little Hanks. Okay.

These are all compliments if you look deep. You also said to me once, Mike Birbiglia looks like a cheese pizza that wished to become a real boy. Yeah, that's nice. You also said to me once, Mike Birbiglia looks like a cheese pizza that wished to become a real boy. Yeah, that's nice. Yeah. You also said, Mike Birbiglia looks like if he pointed his phone at a calzone, the phone would unlock. That is the voice of the great Pete Holmes,

who seems to want to interrupt me so much. And I love him so much, and that's why we were able to burn each other a lot in this episode. This episode is so fun. There's so many burns. There's so much fun. We're old, old friends. Know that no matter what we say to one another we love each other

and I love his new special it just came out on Netflix it's called I Am Not For Everyone we talk about that special we talk about a lot

of other stuff you can see Pete out on tour right now if you go to at Pete Holmes on Instagram he has all of his dates he is one of the best

live stand-up comedians I've ever seen. I mean, he's just got an infectious sense of humor. But I would be remiss if I didn't lead by saying my special, The Old Man in the Pool, is now available worldwide on Netflix. Worldwide. Everywhere. Thank you for being a part of the journey with me for four years, working out jokes here on the podcast,

out on tour. And I'm just so excited it's out there. And now I'm on tour doing my next show, which is currently called Please Stop the Ride. And it kicks off in Boston. I'm doing 10 shows at the Wilbur. Then I go to Big Sky, Montana. I go to Vancouver. I go to Seattle, Walla Walla. I go to Portland, Oregon, a whole bunch of Florida stuff, St. Petersburg,

Jacksonville, Orlando, Miami Beach, whole bunch of Colorado. If you're anywhere in Colorado, I'm most likely going to be nearby. Aspen, Beaver Creek, Fort Collins, Denver, and then Texas. Once again, if you're anywhere nearby, anywhere in Texas, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio, and then a city to be named later. There's an announcement coming soon about that. Then I'm going to be in Troy, New York, Rochester, Toronto, Atlanta, Charlotte, Richmond, and Washington, D.C. All the tickets are at burbigs.com.

And if you have a city that is not mentioned here, for example, like Chicago, a lot of people are saying in my comments, you got to come to Chicago. I definitely am. I'm working on it. I'm planning it. I'm literally Google mapping today as we speak.

Today in the podcast, we have Pete Holmes part three. Three, you know, we've been doing this podcast for three and a half years. Thanks to you who are listening, telling your friends and enemies. Pete and I have a great time today in the show. We work on tons of jokes. I mean, he and I talk about jokes on the phone all the time. We talk about it on the podcast a lot. all the time. We talk about it on the podcast a lot. He does a lot of impressions. When in doubt, Pete just goes into the voice of the person we're talking about,

John Mulaney, Jerry Seinfeld, et cetera. We talk about spirituality. It gets really deep. It's actually one of my favorite episodes we've ever done on the show. I really think you're going to dig it. Enjoy my conversation with the great Pete Holmes. You know, I was just doing the DC Improv,

and I do you on stage, as I've mentioned. What is the impression of me that you do in the show? Because you told me it went really well in DC. It got an applause break. Your name. What is the impression of me that you do in the show? Because you told me it went really well in D.C. It got an applause break. Your name. What do you do? It's a story about I was sexting with my wife

and then I finished and she was still going. It's gross, but it's what happened. And then she's still texting and I'm like, sex doesn't make sense anymore. I'm on empty.

Like, I'm done. Yeah. And she's like, I'm so wet. And I'm like, gross. Oh my God. That's not even it. And then I go, I'm so wet. And I'm like, gross. Oh, my God. And that's not even it. And then I go, I don't want to talk about sex.

At this point, I'm as sexless as Mike Birbiglia. Oh, God. And the place goes nuts. And then she goes, what would you do to my body? And I go, I don't want to do anything. And then I spin around. Whoa. Oh, my God. Wow, they're cheering.

I love that that's the impression of me. I don't want to do anything. But I also mess up my hair. I go, I don't want to do anything. But there's a real power in that. You know I love you. I'm a huge fan, and you've inspired me so much. And honestly, watching Chappelle, Gerard, you, that's the trifecta that no nobody else is

but uh one of you do have something in common which is like you understand the power of silence and the power of going slow yeah and i know we've talked about this every time we've talked but it's like the act should look like this and i i've been guilty of going out. And I know we've talked about this every time we've talked, but it's like, the act should look like this. And I've been guilty of going out trying to speed bag it. And I like murdering, don't get me wrong. But who says Chappelle doesn't murder?

You know what I mean? But he also takes these moments. I heard him talk about it. He was like, did you watch his Duke Ellington school speech? Remember he talked about, you draw their focus on a single item. Yeah.

And then you surprise them. Yeah. That's what I see him doing with the pauses. That's what I see you doing with the pauses as well. Thanks. I watched Ruthanniel and, well, you guys are doing what all the classics are doing. Like when Gerard opens it by saying, I mean, it might as well be you. I've been honest with you about everything except my name. And then

you drop it off. Oh, yeah, yeah. And you do the show and you go at the end, my name's Bigley. Yeah, yeah. And everyone goes nuts. It's a tease. He teases the whole arc of the show. And someone in the show goes, I'm being honest with you. And someone goes, except about your name.

And he makes this face. And the way I interpret the face that Gerard gives him is, lady, you don't think I'm going to say it at the end? It's like, you seriously think I'm like, I just dropped that? Yeah, Gerard, I love that special. And your special is great. Your special is fantastic. Your special falls into the category for me of a lot of times people need to laugh. That's the thing that people most often ask me for recommendations when they're experiencing something where they're like, God, I just got to laugh.

What's like a foolproof kind of thing? And your new special is that. Thanks, man. Which must make you feel good. Does it make you feel good? Well, you and I have a very special relationship. And one of the things that makes it special is that I think we're honest with one another. And I've shown you specials before.

And you always like them, but I could tell you really like this one. And when I make them, it's important to have avatars. People that you're trying to please in the balcony. In the imaginary balcony of your mind. And you're in one of those seats for sure. I don't know who else is in the seats. I mean Val. My wife. I want her future my daughter. I'd like her to think

it was... We all have Mulaney in our seats. But he's not there. There's a seat that says reserved. He couldn't make it. He's 20 minutes late. Even in my imagination he's like He's't make it. He's 20 minutes late. Even in my imagination, he's like... He's a half hour late for being 20 minutes late. JK, John, if you see this... No, he'll...

Yeah, no, I think he'll see this. Taron Killam does the best Mulaney. Is that right? He goes, um... I can't do it. That's funny. It's like that. And I was like, oh my God, you really saw him.

Like, we can all go, murder. You know what I mean? But he goes, um, that's funny. And I'm like, that's funny. Oh, that's a very good impersonation. Here's my impression of John just in this situation. So, Pete, Pete, Pete. That's good.

Tell me. Pete, that's your hair, right? That's your original hair? That is so good. That's good. Tell me. Pete, that's your hair, right? That's your original hair? That is so good. That's so good. It's always like solving a problem. Okay, we're going to go. That's funny.

I'm going to orient people. So I'm here with Pete Holmes today, probably our most popular guest ever. Is that real? I think so. I mean, it's the thing that people always want. You know who you look like, really? You look like a guy from the future. And there's something going around.

Why do you have to interrupt me so much? There's like, we're eating these protein pouches. I literally can't get through an introduction. The protein pouches are like, not working on some of the population. That's what the doctor says. I don't know why you're interrupting me so much. I'm just trying to introduce the episode.

Because you reminded me of what people like about our dynamic. Okay. It's because you're always giving me a go. Yeah? Yeah. Giving you what? A go. What's a go?

No one can hear you on stage either. What's a go? People laugh because you pause. You don What's a go? You should know. People laugh because you pause. People, you don't end a joke, you fade out. I get the note, but then I'm like, why do 10 times more people show up to my shows than yours? There he is. Yeah, yeah.

There it is. There's the Damon smile. Put a space helmet on him, it's the Martian. Oh my God. Somebody get a fishbowl. We got a Damon. Today, I'm with my friend Pete Holmes. And here's the warning I'll give you people.

We are close friends. We talk on the phone all the time. We run jokes like we do on Working It Out all the time. We make fun of each other constantly. We still love each other. Don't worry. It's going to be okay. That's the warning.

And he's got a great special. It's on Netflix. It's fantastic. It's produced by Bill Burr. Bill Burr. That's our first bit. Hey. That's our first bit.

Hey, Petey. I think you should do a special on Netflix. Be my company. All things comedy. Nah. What do you think bit. Hey, Petey. I think you should do a special on Netflix. Be my company. All things comedy. Nah. What do you think? Nah. I'm serious.

You should do a special and make Bill Burr. Dot, dot, dot. Oh, my God. That's my impression of Bill Burr singing New York, New York. Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. You know what? You're peaking. You're peaking the microphone.

There's no way that that's usable. Gary's on the levels. No, he's not on the levels. Gary, are you even on the levels? Are you lowering the levels? It's just peaking, right? That's what a producer does, Mikey. No, but I don't.

They turn it up when you do your NPR voice. And they turn it down when I do my Opie and Anthony voice. No. No. Hey, babe. Well, I said to you. He just thought of Nah. Hey, babe. Well, I said to you. You ever done? He just thought of it.

Hey, babe. Nah. You ever think I've been doing a comedy special? And you're like, I've done like five. He's like, nice, you're doing. I opened for Bill 20 years ago. Did you really? Yeah.

Because you're both Boston guys. Yeah, but it was my friend Dan Kaufman, who's a very funny guy, talented artist. He would sometimes not be available. He'd get a gig and he wouldn't be available. And he'd call me or he'd call Kumail. We were open micers and would fill in when he couldn't do it. And the two times Dan Kaufman couldn't do it, Jim Gaffigan, Bill Burr.

So I like two arena comedians now. I opened for them when they were club comics and Bill you know at that time was still figuring it out I remember saying to somebody a comic in the scene I was like yeah I was just in fucking Peoria opening

for Bill Burr and the guy went Billy Burr? he originally was called Billy but they couldn't believe that he was headlining. That's how long ago this was. Because he was such a young kid at the time. And he was a club guy. You know, he's doing 20 at the Cellar,

and they're like, he's going out? Billy Burr? Not dismissive, but kind of like, really? My great mistake with Bill a million years ago, and I've since apologized to him about this, is when I met him, he had such a baby face that I thought we were the same age. That's a nice thing to say. Because he's got about 10 years on me.

Right, but then it didn't lead to good stuff because I was like, hey, we should do shows together. Like we were peers and we weren't peers. Well. And it never. Look for the love. I say look for the love. No, I know.

I just did Carolla's podcast and he's kind of shitting on things and saying things that might be hard to agree with. Just look for the love. I say look for the love. No, I know. I just did Carolla's podcast, and he's kind of shitting on things and saying things that might be hard to agree with. Just look for the love. There's some love in there. You go, I know you're making this joke about this and this, but it's because you care. You know what I mean? You can't, if you feel uncomfortable, just look for the love.

And I see you saying something nice to Bill. I thought we were young and spry. That's what I thought. But he called, so I called him 20 years later. We went and saw The Ring together. The Ring. I remember that one. The VCR makes you freeze or something? Yeah. It was just he and I in the theater.

Courtesy seat between us. And then... Courtesy seat between us? Okay. Very on brand. And then all these years later to have him produce my special. So I called him. I didn't know how involved he was, being real.

Yeah. Because he's got a company. Big company, yeah. And then I called and I was just like, you know, I'm a mushy guy and I like being grateful. It's a good feeling for me. And I'm like, hey, it just means a lot to have you. Because he kind of walked me into Netflix. Yeah.

It's hard, you know. It's hard to get a Netflix special. That's what I'm saying. It's hard out there. It's very hard. And he was kind of like, nah Netflix. Yeah. It's hard. It's hard to get Netflix special. That's what I'm saying. It's hard out there. It's very hard. And he was kind of like, nah, I'll vouch for you. He waved me into the club. Wow.

So I called him and I left him a big mushy message. And it's Bill Burr. But then he called me back and I didn't answer. I couldn't answer or whatever. I didn't see it. And he left me like a real sweet, I'm embarrassing myself, but he was like, you know, it's fun listening to Bill be sincere. Yeah.

Because then he immediately will start roasting himself. Yes. Because he's like, you don't have to thank me. He pushes away. You don't have to thank me. He goes, you know, give it to the cream of the crop. And that's where you are. And there you go.

There's your mushy message from soft heart Bill. Go fuck yourself. And like hangs up, you know what I mean? It's just like the persona comes in to like chase him away. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. But it meant a lot.

Yeah. And then you know what else was really special about it was it got interrupted by the lockdown, which I don't want to make light of that. So many people and the loss of that. But from my perspective, I was about to film my special. Lockdown happened. And then two more years. So this like was like barrel aged. And you and I, like we watch younger kids specials. And a lot of times I can enjoy them and simultaneously be like, they should have done more reps.

You know, just more reps. Just perform more times. Out of love. Try out the jokes more times. Again, find the love. I'm not giving you shit. I'm saying like, look, we all think it's ready. Maybe hit pause. You're good at that. And I've talked to Chris Rock about it recently.

It's like, that's the generational thing right now, which is the younger generation, they do less repetitions of the same material to hone that material. I don't know if it's a generalization. It's something that it seems to be happening. It's not really their fault either. They're in an instant economy. Yes. And social media. Film it, put it out, gets 10 million views. So I had all this time to ferment it. So when I watch it, I can even tell you a line. I do this joke about during the lockdown, I knew I was in trouble.

I was getting soft because I went back to eating Doritos, which I hadn't had in a long time. And I go, I forgot there's a charge to a Cool Ranch Dorito. You put it on your tongue. It's like licking a nine-volt battery. This is all standard fare. These are just jokes. There's a charge.

And your brain is so confused. There's so many ingredients. You're like, is this sex? And your brain doesn't know. That's all a joke. That's like not a lot of reps to get to that. The line that took hundreds of doing time and you get bored with the joke and you want to entertain yourself and you see there's just a little room, like making a cake. I think I could inject just a little bit of frosting in that bite. And you go, so I'm sitting on my couch eating a big bag of battery sex chips. That's the line. Battery sex chips. And that becomes, people text me, battery sex chips.

Battery sex chips. It becomes like pull quote. I love it. And those, and you and I know, two old farts, we know, Gary Gallman knows, those are the reps, you're bored, you're desperate. Let's take that apart. Let's take that apart. Battery, sex, chips, why is it funnier than the original joke? I think the reason it's funnier is that it's the joke inside the joke. So you have the joke and it's like, oh, okay. It's like a battery. It's like sex. But then you pay it off, yeah?

Yeah. So you say the first joke, and we're like, okay, we're all living in the same house. We're all roommates. Right. That's the first part of the joke. Second part of the joke is, we're roommates, and remember that funny thing that happened like a half hour ago? And that's what you do with friends. And that's what you do with friends, And that's what you do with friends.

And that's what stand-up comedy is, I think, at its best. It's working great. I have a lot of feelings about this. Yeah. Bad comedy is they're listening to you. You're like an oligarch. Good comedy is we're listening to each other. Yeah, we're listening to each other.

I do a joke now. I was just at the DC Improv Hot Room. You try a new joke. It doesn't work. You go, you guys just cut that from the next special. Yeah, I always say that. Thank you. I always say that.

And I go, when you watch this and this joke isn't in there, you can be like, I did that. And they love it. Sometimes I'll say, this is the funeral of that joke. That's great. I won't steal that. I'm tempted to. This is the funeral of that joke.

The only compliment I want to borrow that. I want to have that joke. But it's so healthy. At the beginning, you're like a fortress. You know what I mean? And as you soften and get more comfortable up there, you really realize like this is – you're informing this so much. You're telling me what's me even.

Sometimes you get a frequency that they're like, I don't think that's you. And you're like, I forgot myself for a second. No, you're absolutely right. It's like a good friend, a good crowd. A bad crowd, you're like, fuck you. Yeah. But a good crowd, if they don't like something,

you're like, uh-oh. Well, that was a famous thing that Seinfeld said in an interview once. My voice is shot. Was that an impression? Mike! What's this? What's the deal? Who is that?

It's me. Who? Jerry! Jerry who? Comedy legend! Chappelle says he's the goat, I'm the goat. Belly goat's gruff. Gruff.

Gruff voice. Sore throat. Get that goat some NyQuil. DayQuil. Vaporub. Your mom rubs it on you. This is awful. This is making stuff.

Do we really need to drop the R on vapor to make it shorter for Vaporub? How about Vaporub, Vicks? This is horrible. That's very good. Send it to sign. Send it to him. Oh, God. Voicemail?

Is it really in an envelope? Am I opening up my voicemail? Did you just shorten Seinfeld to sign. Send it to him. Oh, God. Voicemail? Is it really in an envelope? Am I opening up my voicemail? You just shortened Seinfeld to sign? Nobody's ever called it that? Send it to the sign. Oh, his father's sign business was called Seinfeld Sign Co., so don't fuck with a fan. Did you use it?

You were trying to keep your liver from collapsing. You really look like you're on life support. You used to do... You look like you live on a planet where there's no sun. Like we found you just in time. Get this guy some vitamin D. Have you ever gone on a stroll? Like for a walk?

Yeah, just like a... That's what we call it stroll yeah yeah yeah you might not know the words the outdoors is free they don't swipe a card

or anything you used to do a Seinfeld thing on your talk show on TBS yes did Seinfeld like it I actually met him

and he came up to me the dream of dreams and he goes oh I saw that I saw that new material. It's great. And he walked away. But it was a great meeting.

A couple months later, we're shooting Crashing. I'm in Washington Square Park. I can't go through Washington Square Park without thinking about this. I get a phone call from Ted Sarandos. Okay. CEO of Netflix. So I just get a fucking... This is not my normal day-to-day. We have Mr. Sarandos. Okay. CEO of Netflix. Netflix. Created Netflix. So I just get a fucking, this is not my normal day to day. Yeah.

We have Mr. Sarandos for you. Yes. I'll accept. Yeah, sure. Like a collect call. I'll accept the charges. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah.

I steal the password, but I'll pay for the call. JK, Ted, I pay. I pay. Daddy's funding the whole family. So Ted, who I had met a couple times, is on the phone. And he's like, Jerry and I had dinner the other night. We're doing Comedians in Cars. He loves new material.

We were thinking maybe we could have dinner. Me, you, and Seinfeld. Now, you'll never meet a bigger Seinfeld fan. Yeah. Except maybe Ryan Hamilton, who's slowly turning into... See, I give it out to everybody. And I'm like, I'm in New York. And he was like, oh, well, hit me up when you're in LA

and we'll try and make it happen. And I was like, okay. And he was like, here's my email. Yeah. Ted at... I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I don't remember what it was.

Buddy, never happened. Never happened. I get back to LA. Of course, the first email I send. Hey, Ted. Oh, remember when you said my dreams could come true? Right. Just the dinner.

I don't care if we do it. Yeah. I just want to be at a fucking white tablecloth with Seinfeld and just kind of... Yeah. So the mistake, the tactical error... He's impatient. Impatient waiter. The tactical error.

I think the tactical error you made is that you should have just gone like, I'm going to be there next week. No, the tactical error, I'm with you. Because I replay this like the one that got away. I was shooting crashing. I'd be like, I'll fly out Saturday. We'll have dinner Saturday. I'll fly back Sunday.

I would have hated it. And it was probably an act of self-love that I didn't offer that. I had that with Gaffigan. When I was in college, I went to the alumni house at Georgetown. I looked up comedian. There was one result.

It was 1997. It was Jim Gaffigan. Only comedian from Georgetown, like, ever. Wow. And I called him on his landline. Hello? Oh, I don't like that. Is Jim there?

He's looking for Jim. First Gaffe try. Hello? Hello? You know what I used to, because I opened for him, I was like, I like Jim because you can picture him

in any situation. Yeah. And I realized, I was like, you can't picture me in a lot of situations. And I was like, Jim in a strip club would be like, oh yeah.

Oh God. You know what I mean? But it would be funny. I don't mean like he's genuinely into it, but like he could, yeah. Oh, God. You know what I mean? But it would be funny. I don't mean like he's genuinely into it, but like he could do an act out like, here's me at a strip club. Oh, God. Like, it's funny.

Right. Whereas I, at that point, didn't have a persona that could go in a saloon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? I was like, I got to branch out. I can picture this guy anywhere. So I called Jim Gaffigan's landline,

and he's like, well, if you're ever in town in New York, I'll take you to lunch, talk about comedy. I'm like, I'll be there next week. You did it. Took the bus. You did it.

Stayed at my sister's couch. So you did it right. Yeah. You did it right. I got one. I'll be there next week. And it was a total lie. Two Gaffigan stories. Remember, I was opening for him in the Midwest.

Then I moved to New York, probably in part thinking like, I know Bill Burr. I know Jim Gaffigan. I'm going to be fine. He calls me. It's like the first week I'm in Brooklyn. And I'm like, what the fuck? And it's to open for him.

And I'm like, oh my God, yeah. And he's like, are you still in Chicago? And I'm like, no, I just moved to New are you still in Chicago and I'm like no I just moved to New York yeah I say it like it's good news and he's like oh because he needed a local guy he doesn't want to fly me out and put you up that's the point yeah in Jim's phone I know this because he emails me and it'll still say watch out those notes you put in those email addresses because sometimes they show up it says Pete Holmes Pete Holmes, comedian, Chicago, worked with. Yeah, worked with.

So then I moved to New York. I finally see Jim at the improv, the old improv. And I lived in Park Slope at the time. And I took the train with him after the show, just like a burr on his sock. Burr, burr. On his sock. Okay.

And I forget, it was like a train that I had to transfer, right? And we're on the train and we got to my stop. This is where I have to get off, but he's giving me advice. Yeah. And I stayed on the train. Oh. Isn't that, that's New York romance. Yeah, I love that.

And you know what he told me? He probably told you the same thing. He said, be undeniable. Yeah, that's true. And he goes, they're not going to pay attention to you until they have to pay attention to you. So all my comedy notebooks, I wrote be undeniable at the top.

And that was originally a Steve Martin. That's a Steve Martin piece of advice from his book, Born Standing Up. I'm not trying to take it away from Steve, but I bet fucking Mark Twain said it too. You know what I mean? Like that's just good advice. It's humility.

It's like, you know what I tell comics? I go, maybe I said this to you. You just said Steve. You just said Steve as though that you know him. I don't. But I just want to make sure the listeners know. That you know him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I just want to make sure the listeners know that you don't know him. Yeah, I don't know him. So just, if you could just apologize into that camera. You know, while you're stroking your ego in every frame of this podcast, know him yeah i don't know so just if you could just apologize into that camera you know while you're stroking your ego in every frame of this podcast why not frame a photo of you guys is there a shot in this studio that doesn't say don't forget i'm important oh my god don't forget i matter just write i matter on a post-it and put it in between all these posters. I matter. Just say, I'm important.

I matter. I'm here. You know, he's one of those I wouldn't want to meet him. You would though. He's, yeah.

I'm not saying I think it'd disappoint me, but what am I going to say? No, I know. I feel that way. I'm going to blubber. I'm going to blubber. It's like me and Seinfeld.

I can't handle it. I had that with, Jimmy Kimmel was nice enough when I was on a show recently to take me out to dinner with Martin Short, who I'd never met. I had that thing where I look up to him so much that I'm every word I'm

saying is echoing in my brain in circles. Like, is that okay? I just said a thing. Is that okay? Is that okay? This is why he only hangs out with Steve Martin. You know what I mean? Like that's the only friendships in the building. It's like, you can't talk to me.

I opened for Martin Short. It was a big deal. And I was so excited. And buddy, talk about vulnerability. When my agent was like, do you want to open for Martin Short outside of San Francisco? I was like, of course I do.

Three Amigos, all that stuff. I was thrilled. I get there. On the flight there, I'm basically picturing us on a tandem bicycle. Like in the fall laughing. Kermit with Kermit, the frog, et cetera. And we're still not sure how they did it. But I went in his enormous, ornate dressing room.

Yeah. Just because of the venue. It's not like he insists on that. And I said hello, and he was getting ready for the show. He wasn't mean. He was just like, hello. Right, right. And then I ate shit, because Martin Short draws a little bit older than old Petey.

I did my best. I saw all these jazzy night out jackets on like women in their 60s. I eat shit. And then he goes on stage and starts murdering. And I'm like, and I'm standing in the wings, sad. We're not friends. I did badly. Probably didn't even watch.

Now he's murdering. And I look to my left and there's the Jiminy Glick outfit just on a table, just a Glick mask. And I look at this lifeless Jiminy Glick, and I just laughed. I was so sad. That's comedy. Yeah, I've had that a handful of times. I opened one, so I was starting out for Dennis Miller.

And it was just like, he came in. I don't even think I met him. They told me the introduction. I did my set. He walked off stage and went straight into a car and was gone. I didn't meet him. I opened for him in a symphony hall in Baltimore, and we didn't say hello. Yeah.

You don't say hello to me. What am I, Alexander Graham Bell? What, are you going to pick up a phone and touch someone? I can't help you. What is this, the Sith Lord Darth Vader trying to talk to the Emperor? Sorry, I'm busy destroying a planet, kiddo. Oh, God. That was good.

That was the first try. Good Dennis Miller. Sometimes the first try is the best try. Then you try and get back there. We call that chasing the dragon. I don't have a Martin short, but I'll... Oh, hello. I was going to go.

So what do you do? So what exactly do you do? He's so debonair. You know what I mean? And I watch only murders. I'm watching the new season, which you're in. You get killed. You're Paul Rudd. I'm not. You are. I'm watching the new season, which you're in. You get killed. You're Paul Rudd. I'm not.

You are. I'm Paul Rudd, right. You're Ant-Man's before picture. You're the picture Paul Rudd tapes to his treadmill to keep going. So cruel. We're friends. We're friends. But that crosses the line. I agree.

Why do you look like old-timey sped-up, like time-corrected footage from the turn of the century? Like, I feel like if you walk through an old mansion, people would just be like, I saw a ghost. Like, I'm definitely sure. Like, you're looking a little washed out. Pete, how did... People watching this on Instagram,

this is not in black and white. This is Mike in color. You can cut some of these out. No, I like these. It's your show. No, I like all these. These are good burns. I think burns among friends

are one of the sweetest things that you can possibly do. Subtitles on, I'm saying I love you. It's not a joke. I think everything is an excuse to love. Seriously and sincerely. That's one of the great secrets of the universe.

It's an excuse. I'm going to ask you a couple of questions that the Working Out staff had. You recently called into the podcast. That was the Gary Simons episode. And it was, I actually am really proud of that episode because Gary and I and Mabel and Joe and Peter work on the podcast. We're like, let's do an episode where it's just from a perspective of Gary moved to New York a couple years ago to become a comic.

I've been a comic here for 20-something years. What if he asks all the questions that are the burning questions, right? Yeah, I bet I could. You happened to call me in the middle of it. We put you on speaker, and so you gave some advice. You offered the following advice. It was ask yourself when you're writing a joke, would you laugh? Yeah.

When you're trying to figure out what's funny or not. That's the hardest one. Would you laugh? Would you laugh? Sometimes I think about how much we get floated on fake laughs, socially, but also in a club. They're happy you're there. They know what you want. And they give it to you.

They float you. It's like a loan. Yeah. I'll give you a little. We need it. But they give it to you. They float you. It's like a loan. Yeah. I'll give you a little. We need it. But like, it's hard. Can you think of a joke where you, it didn't pass that test for you?

Well, most of my early material. Oh, really? Yeah, in the first couple of years. I had a joke. You'll hear the Seinfeld. I go, I was looking at an ice pack the other day and it said on the ice pack, this is true. I don't lie in the setup.

It goes, a bittering agent has been added to the contents of this ice pack to discourage consumption. I love that. Because apparently, before, the ice packs were too delicious. It's fine. Yeah. You hear the Seinfeld. You hear the Goleman.

Right. In fact, if Gary did it, I'm not saying I wouldn't laugh, but there's a couple things going on. Is it funny? Yeah. And is it you? Right. Well, no, it's funny you should say that because you could be Goleman. I somehow believe

that Goleman is thinking about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't somehow believe you're thinking about that. Yeah. No, absolutely. And there's't somehow believe you're thinking about that. Yeah. No, absolutely. And there's certain things, there's certain flailing, like me talking about that we're in outer space

and having existential crises. That's more my lane. I'm very happy to take that lane. Judd Apatow said to me this weekend... What did he say? What did he say?

I said, I just called Mike and I said, Mike, do you want a taco or pizza? Oh, my God. Maybe Marley over pizza? Oh, my God. Maybe Maude could come. Oh, my God.

Do you want Maude to come? Maybe Maude and I could come and we'll go down and get these mozzarella sticks. This is a good take. I mean, it's basically you've become Sandler. Well, you know, because they're friends, there's just a sprinkle of Sandler in there. They were roommates starting out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, Apatow said to me at the cellar, because he was watching my sets and giving some tag ideas and stuff like that.

And he goes, apropos to what we're talking about right now. Apatow to what we're talking about? Apop-to-o-ph. Apop-to-o-ph to what we're talking about. Apatow. He goes, nobody could do your jokes. That's the best compliment. It was just a great compliment.

That's the finest. Here's the best compliment. It was just a great compliment. That's the finest. Here's the only two compliments. No one could do that but you, or I'm jealous of that bit. I'm jealous of that bit. Those are the two compliments in comedy. You can keep that was funny. Yep. I don't need that.

You're right. I want you to say, fuck you. I wish I thought of that. But only you could do it. Only you could do it. I could have thought of it, and it wouldn't have worked. That's the best. Yeah.

On your special, you do a joke that was you and I working it out on the podcast. Oh, thanks. The one where you're talking on the phone and you're out of breath. Oh, yeah. The way I found out I was gaining weight during the pandemic was I played someone a video that I had shot of my wife and daughter, and I could hear myself breathing. I'm not in the video. I added a line after the special, but I go,

but apparently the exertion of holding up a camera phone was a little too much for me. And that's 100% real. Yeah. The shame of like, look at this, and it's like, I'm like, where did I shoot this? Leering in the bushes? And then I like this line too.

I go, they're on level ground. How am I the only one going uphill in this footage? I think that's what I tagged it with. Is that right? Yeah. That's very good. You're in the special. The leering in the bushes line.

I just want to break this apart because this is a show about jokes and material and sort of like what the purpose of a setup, a punchline, a tag, and a tag is in a typical joke structure. Setup is a thing we all agree is true. We're all on the same page. All right, that's true. You know, the punchline is where it turns and we don't see the thing coming. The tag is where we're in the universe of the joke and now here's some embellishments or exaggerations. You're the pinball and you're going ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

You're already in the meat of the machine. But what's fun about tags is that the leering in the bushes is a tag in your joke structure and it's actually the part that I laugh at. Sometimes I laugh at the setup. Sometimes the setup's enough, and I go, ah, love that. Like it's an observation about something, and it's enough. Sometimes it's the punchline.

Sometimes it is the tags that make you realize you loved the joke in the first place, but you weren't fully on board. You have opened up a vault of my passion is Matt McCarthy, who's hilarious. He tours with me. Yeah. And I'm always saying, we were just talking about this. I was like, I'm a big act out guy. I'm like, do, do the sound. Yeah, yeah. Do the sound. So people don't know. People always say, stand up and say, an act out is where you act out what it is the joke is that you're doing so as to bring people into the universe of it. Do the sound, do the action. It's like you're processing and you're saying a joke for the 300th time. They're hearing it for the first time and they need those little rest stops to pull off and actually realize that they like it.

And they also want to know it's safe to laugh now. Yeah. I'm not going to miss something. He's just going, It's like this wonderful little pocket where they can laugh and not worry about missing the next line. Yeah. I think weirdly it's like,

it's also a little hint of vulnerability yeah about yourself sometimes the act outs reveal something about yourself like i act out doing the scrambler and we're watching a grown man act out being a an amusement park ride yeah and it's embarrassing my the one that i just did is i tell a story about choking in a corn maze. And then I get on the outside and I have to hock up what I'm eating like a seagull ate a bad clam. And that's all funny, but you really nailed it. It's like sometimes the tag is what makes you realize you liked it in the first place. You liked it in the first place.

You just needed a little moment to go like, he is saying what I thought he was saying. Yeah. I think what I love so much about this special is that you have so many set up punchline tag, tag, tags, and you have so many jokes where we're just all friends in the audience and laughing together at these completely absurd jokes. It's just. That are a kind of nonsense. Yeah, for sure. But they're the right kind of nonsense. High-end nonsense. High-end nonsense.

You want some of that premium nonsense. You want some high, you want some expensive nonsense. Well, I feel sharper image. I feel very strongly about this is you don't, you think you come to the show to hear the new jokes yeah but it's an excuse to come into a space it's way more spatial than you think yeah and the things the moments that people point out to my to me about my special that mean a lot are these in between moments There's a moment where I say, somebody laughs late and I go, and I'm starting and I go, oh, I hear you. I see you.

You're valuable. You matter. I love that. And I'm like, that's actually what it is. It's an invitation to come into a frequency wherein all of the jokes fit. But like, I don't think you remember. I don't think it's about remembering no it's not about remembering i think it's about easing into a safe place i'm not saying it's not no i'm glad it's not about remembering because i don't remember any of your jokes what you should have said was nothing i think i burned i think i just made all of your burns of meme null and void with that burn. I totally get what you mean. I can't remember any of your jokes.

It's very good. I liked it a lot. But yeah, it's a space. It's an excuse to hang out. And an audience and a performer, you can do it at them or you can do it with them. Yeah. And I'm not the only one that does this, but the ones that I like are the ones that are going like, I'm porous.

I'm letting you in. It's a risk. Yeah. It's dangerous. Sometimes I do a show and I let them in and I go back to the hotel and I feel like they took something from me. They took something.

I do these stories about parenting fails, basically. Sometimes it doesn't work and I go, I literally just, I don't stop the show, but I go, I think this is what standup is for. I think this is what the art form is for. I go, I could tell you stories where I'm winning or I get the last laugh. What good is that to you? Yeah. Project your shame onto me and laugh at it. Oh, I love that. That's what we're doing. We're doing shadow work. On that episode with Gary Simons, you said, tell your secrets. I want to see comedians telling their secrets on stage.

And you and I talk about this all the time. You told me that. Yeah, something we talk about. If you're not telling secrets, who cares? Who cares? And that's right. That's kind of what I was just saying. Do you have anything in your new hour that you're touring with right now that feels like a secret?

Yeah, for sure. It's all stuff about my parents. Oh, interesting. I have a line in my act right now that's hard every single time I say it. Yeah. It's about, it's not that I want to tell my daughter that she has it better than me. I already like it.

That's a great example of, I like the setup. Yeah. I'm laughing at the setup. Buddy, you and I are in the setup section of the stand-up shop. You know what I mean? Like a good...

And I just go, but I do sometimes wish that like a Charles Dickens-style ghost would occasionally whisk her to my childhood in the 80s. Oh, my God. So I recently apologized to my daughter because she was choking me. She was right on my back, and then she put her arms around my neck,

and she let go, and she was choking me. Yeah. I was like, baby, you got to let go. You got to let go. And then she got down, and she was sad. Yeah. And I literally and sincerely apologized to her for not letting her choke me. I said, you really wanted to choke dad.

Yeah, you're having a big, that's a disappointment. You liked choking dad. And I said it and I meant it and I was like, I'm sorry, baby. I'm a person, you can't choke me. But I meant it. And it's moments like that, that I wish a portal would open and a ghost would come in and go, come child. I'll take you to a moment in Peter's childhood

when his father apologized to him. And they go in and it's just perfect darkness. And my daughter goes, but spirit, nothing is here. And I go, that's right, because it's never fucking happened. That's all safe. That's not really a secret. The tag is, Mikey,

I go, every time I've wanted my dad to apologize for hurting my feelings, I end up apologizing to him for having hurt feelings. That's a secret. That's deep. And then you know what the tag to the tag is? I know that's not funny. I just don't want you to feel

alone. Oh, that's beautiful. They laugh at that. It is beautiful. Makes me want to choke up. Because it's fucking hard. It's hard. And a person in an alpha position under lights and being celebrated and saying, it hurts out there. Yeah. And you know what the best thing is?

Listen, listen to how many people laughed at that, how many people clapped at that. Yeah. But then I'm going to go one turn further, not to fluff my own pillow here, but I'm going to go it, and I'm going to say, my dad doesn't apologize to me. I'll end up saying,

you're right, sir. I shouldn't have. Oh, God, I could cry. Yeah, it's emotional. It's hard. But what do you do? We're all, you know, there was an earthquake in Ojai recently,

and then the same day, Val and I went and saw a production of Shrek the Musical at the local theater. And every once in a while, there'd be an aftershock in the lights. We're all under lights. And I was like, this is crazy. That's life. We're all putting on a play during an earthquake. And the best thing we can do is hold hands and go, I felt that shock too.

I feel it. We're dancing in a burning house. I was working on a joke the other day and I just had, it's a perfect example of the setup just makes me laugh, but I don't know what the joke is yet, but maybe you'll have the joke. I can't wait. It's just like, I feel but I don't know what the joke is yet, but maybe you'll have the joke. I can't wait.

It's just like, I feel like I spend so much of my time now with just like other dads. And I'm just thinking, these people are losers. And then I just start to get self-conscious. Then I go, no, I'm pretty cool. That's great.

And what I can't figure out quite yet is, the joke, of course, is I am that person. I am one of those losers. And I know it. Yeah. But I somehow can't quite convey to the audience yet that I know that they know that I know. Yeah.

And that therein lies the challenge of the joke. But you laughed at the setup, and the audience is laughing at the setup. Yeah. And that, therein lies the challenge of the joke. But, you laughed at the setup and the audience is laughing at the setup. Yeah. They think it's funny. These losers. These losers.

I think what I would tag it with is, Maybe it doesn't need a joke. Maybe it doesn't need a punchline. Maybe you just move on. It's not this. And then I look down and continue doing my Sudoku. Oh, that's nice.

You know what I mean? Something dorking. That's nice, right. Then I finish Wordle, yeah. And I look down and finish my bubble gum ice cream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something dumb. Yeah. But it doesn't need it. See, that's nice. You know what I mean? Something dorky. That's nice, right. Then I finish Wordle, yeah. And I look down and finish my bubble gum ice cream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something dumb. Yeah. But it doesn't need it. See, this is great. The tag is just an

excuse for them to catch up and realize. To catch up that that was a joke. Yeah, exactly. The reason I bring up that joke is that's a secret. That's a secret thought that I have when I'm with the other dads. And I'm like, I don't want to say this. They're real people. They're going to see this eventually. But it's like, who cares?

Who cares is great. Who cares is the first layer. The second layer is, I go back to my hotel room after the show and I do jokes about my parents. And my parents are loaded. They can really affect me. Of course.

So it's risky. Yeah. And sometimes I go back to my hotel. Five shows in a weekend, you go back to your hotel and five shows in a weekend, you go back to your hotel and you feel like a hollow person. Like you just left it all and you can't find yourself.

And you get that voice like, what are you doing? Why are you making fun of your parents? Yeah. And I always, it's not perfect, but you know, B.B. King said, I do the shows for free, they pay me to travel. Yes. I do the shows for free, they pay me to travel. I do the shows for free, they pay me for the vulnerability hangover.

And that is a good sign. Do you think Gerard Carmichael felt fantastic after he did Ruth Daniel? No. And what a fucking gift it is. Yeah, it is a gift. And when you do all your shows, I'm not just saying that. I think that special is a gift. It is. It's a work of art. That's an example of someone

who, and if people haven't seen Roth, Daniel, I don't want to, spoiler alert, anything you read about it, he comes out of the closet in the special. 20 minutes in. Yeah. And it is a gift because he doesn't have to do that. Nope. It only

has ramifications on his life that are complicated with his mom, people who he's close to. And that's challenging. Those are real challenges. And he gives it to the audience. That's the risk. And that's what you're trying to model. I'm trying to model to them.

I say in my act, I'm scared of my dad. Yeah. And then I also say some truth. Yeah. And hopefully, not consciously, but somewhere in there they're going, we can be scared and do it anyway. Yeah.

And that's kind of the whole thing. It's funny, I had a joke. I have told the first part of this on the podcast before, but not the second, which is that in every marriage, ideally you have someone who understands heat and electricity and plumbing. We don't have that. So we're currently seeking a third for our thruple.

That's great. Because we need a husband. That's very funny. Yeah, that was Rami's tag on the podcast. And now I'm doing it. We need a husband. It's a good example of Rami Youssef coming on the podcast. And now I'm doing it. We need a husband. It's a good example of like, it's Rami Youssef coming on the pod,

tagging that, me going to the cellar, trying it and like, well, that's the best part. We need a husband. We need a husband. And so, and so then the new part this week is,

we would even join a cult. You know, sometimes it takes a village. Sometimes it takes a cult. What do we have to have sex with? Leader sometimes? That's fine. Sometimes I call Jen leader. I think that's great. sometimes it takes a village. Sometimes it takes a cult. What do we have to have sex with? Leader sometimes? That's fine. Sometimes I call Jen leader.

I think that's great. I go, the hardest part about having sex with leaders, finding time on the calendar. It's not that I don't want to, leader. Yeah. But somebody has to be home when the plumber shows up. That's nice. I like that.

I like that. Yeah, that's good. I was in the area of a contractor. That's nice. I like that. I like that. Yeah, that's good. I was in the area of a contractor. It's like, so we have a third, and he says he's going to be there Sunday between 11 and 8 p.m. Oh, that's nice. I don't know. I just worked with a contractor.

Oh, that's really nice. It's one of the few remaining areas where you're like, it's totally fine for them to be five hours late. It sounds like an 80s premise. And then I go out for a coffee, that's when they show up. Can you open the gate? I'm like, I'll be there in 10 minutes. Can you open the gate?

Why are you so afraid of the world, Pete? I had to brag I have a gate. I did have one burn for you on the way over that I thought of, which is what does it feel like to have been so ahead of the podcast revolution but still not have it catch on? To have such a head start and to still come in 732.

I watch fucking Jason Bateman laughing me. Conan is laughing all the way to the charts. This is called The Slow Round. What's a song that makes you cry? Well, Nobody Else Will Be There by The National. That's you too.

That's a gorgeous song. I know. Time to Move On makes me... Time to Move On, Tom Petty. Ultralight Beam by Kanye West, I know. But that song is very overwhelming to me. Yeah. That sounds like somebody wrote it in a manic, close to God place.

Yeah. Did your life go the way you expected it to go? Almost entirely. For real? Yeah. Except for my divorce, I didn't see that coming but now looking back I'm like you had to

it's like a seed has to crack that's what Jesus says a seed has to crack to grow into a tree does Jesus still say that? he says it to me when I listen to Ultralight Beam no but Leonard Cohen says the cracks are what let the light in.

So I didn't know, but there's this nasty fermentation that's necessary if you want to become what you need to be. You have so much wisdom circulating in your head. When I was in London, I was feeling depressed because I was away from Jenny and it was so hard. These are some of my favorite moments of life. Not that you're sad, but when I talk to you through some of those things,

I'm talking to myself. Yeah. You know? You sent me to the Eckhart Tolle book, The Power of Now, which is really, really extraordinarily helpful. It's a play in an earthquake. And I go, read this book.

Yeah. God, it's so beautiful being here with you. It's so beautiful. Aw. But what a gift that is that these things exist. And ultimately I would say you wrote that book. You wrote it for yourself. This whole thing is this benevolent booby trap.

And you do trip and you don't like tripping, but then you fall into yourself. Yeah. The one that you always say that I love is the cup is already broken. Yeah. Buddhism. I don't know why more...

You know what else the Buddhists say? No self, no problem. No self, no problem. I love that. My big thing right now is you don't have a life. You are life. Yeah. And we stretch our memories like silly putty. We hold all our past in a big bag, like Santa Claus's sack of toys. And we show our wares, we show our posters and we have our memories and we're constantly bringing up the past as if we have a

life. It's just this, it's just this. And eventually it disperses. In the same way that your thoughts are made of your consciousness, the thought of an orange fades in with your eyes closed and then it disappears. But if you watch that carefully, it doesn't actually disappear. It's replaced with the spacious, neutral, self-aware field that preceded it and is after it. Why is that interesting? Because I think we're thoughts in the mind of God. You don't have to say God if you don't like that, but we're just thoughts in consciousness.

We appear and we seem to disappear. You're like Jim Carrey without all the hit movies. I'm Jim Carrey without the leisure of hundreds of millions of dollars. You're like Jim Carrey with one half hour special. This is what I've been waiting for. I didn't like beating up on you the whole first hour. It's just me punching a dog. Nobody likes that.

This is how it should be. Oh, God. I've had this conversation recently on a podcast with Joe Firestone and Gary Gallman, which is, what is our level of friendship? You and me? Yeah. 10 out of 10. I think so. I hope I'd be heartbroken if you were like, you're a B minus.

No, no. I would say like 10 out of 10, 11 out of 10. We talk, we do go weeks without talking, but we talk most of the time. If I'm laughing on the phone, Val knows I'm talking to you. Aw. There's only- I love that.

I have to write down, I have a list in my phone where I write down my friends. Yeah. You're not on that list. Here's why. I don't have to write you down. It sounded like a burn. Yeah.

But like, there's some people that I'm just like, who do I, who do I call? Yeah. And I don't do to write you down. It sounded like a burn. But there's some people that I'm just like, who do I call? Yeah. And I don't do that with you. I call you when I have a problem. I call you when there's something good. I call you when I need help. Yeah.

We call each other when we need help. One way to look at it is it is a little bit of reparenting. It's not that we're dads to each other, but there's this very beautiful, male, vulnerable love that's peppered with strength. Like you'll say, I'll never forget, I'm at the cellar.

I do this Michael Jackson joke. It's never made a special. I always cut it. I filmed it. Okay, let's not exaggerate twice, but that's five years apart. Yeah. And I always cut it.

You said it was the best Michael Jackson joke you had ever heard. And then you also said, I don't like the way you get into it. And I was like, that's a friend. Yeah. What's the joke? Do you remember? Of course. The way I got into it was whenever I get stoned, I don't know why,

but I want to see something from the 90s. Yeah. Okay. And you were like, that's fine. But the joke was there was this interview with barbara walters this is real yeah and she says to michael jackson michael how you feel when you see the headline wacko jacko yeah how does that make you feel and michael jackson says 100 real he goes i don't like it it's jackson and i get real worked up I go he's mad

at the Jacko part it's wacko wacko is the insult we shortened Jackson to make it rhyme with wacko this is so funny here's the last part I go if the word for wacko. This is so funny. Here's the last part.

I go, if the word for wacko was waxen, we would have called you Waxen Jackson. You're getting me out of the wrong part. That would be like if we called you Kid fucking Mike and you're like, it's Michael. Okay, this joke's great. This joke's great. And I do think that the way you get into it's wrong. Yeah.

You just proved I don't even need that. You don't need it. You can go straight into it. I was watching this interview in the 90s with blah, blah, blah. You just go straight into it. I just put it in a group of jokes about the theme of people get hung up on the wrong things. Yeah, like family guy. I saw an interview with Michael Jackson.

Yeah. Barbara Walters goes, what do you think of this wacko Jack? And he goes, my name's not Jacko, it's Jackson. It's like, you're missing the point, my friend. And then you go straight into your joke, which is much better than what I'm saying. But like, I feel like you could come up

with four or five of those where people are really missing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. You cluster it. It's like you can't sell four avocados at Whole Foods unless you put them in a bag. Yeah.

Is there any other? Yeah, I have lots of jokes. Selfishly, I was in Mexico, and I got bit by a scorpion in my bed. Oh, gosh. Here's the first dumb joke. I don't like this one, but I go, which was confusing because I did ask for a wake-up call.

It's okay. This was our favorite part of the story in the retelling. It was early in the morning. It was still dark. I feel something. It didn't really hurt. It felt like sandpaper was on my skin.

I lift the rolling around. I lift the sheets up. There's a dead little translucent yellowish scorpion dead. Oh, gosh. I know. But I get out of the bed and I'm like, it bit me three or four times. And I thought, this isn't writing. This is what I thought.

I can't trust myself to be around anymore. So I have to wake up Val. Like, you know what I thought. I can't trust myself to be around anymore. So I have to wake up Val. You know what I mean? I don't know if I'm going to be here. I don't know if I'm going to collapse or go into shock. So I woke up Val. And she

laughed because I was like, Val! Not panic, but deep. Valerie? And she was like, I've been bitten by a scorpion. And then Val's so sweet, she gets on the phone, she calls the front desk, and she's like, hi, yeah, good morning. Yeah, no, we're good, we're good.

One of us has been bitten by a scorpion. Yeah, the doctor, yeah, that would be great if you could send a doctor. I go out on the balcony. I elevate my foot. I'm like, I don't know if I'm sending the venom towards me. I don't know what to do. Yes, yes.

I'm actually surprisingly calm. So the doctor comes. Val's like, how often does this happen? And he goes, not much. He goes, once or twice a month. You're saying every two weeks someone's guest is attacked by a scorpion? Yeah. I go, this is all real.

I go, how long before we know if I'm allergic? Like before I start having a reaction. He goes, no allergy. It's in Mexico, so there's a language factor. He goes, no allergy. 24 hours, you'll be dead. See, that's great. No allergy. 24 hours, you'll be dead. See, that's great. No allergy.

That's where I'm in. Okay. So he goes, don't worry, I have an anti-venom. I was helping him with his English. He was going, venom, venom. I'm like, venomous? Yeah. Venomous?

Yeah. See, see, venomous. I'm like, why is this fucking duolingo right now? I might be dying. And he has the anti-ivenom in the shot. And he keeps gesturing. Holy cow, so it's serious. You needed an antivenom shot?

On stage, I wouldn't say this, but I didn't get the feeling it was serious. Nobody seemed that worried. They were speaking very calmly in Spanish. Pequeño, pequeño, like that sort of thing. But he has the anti-venom. And this is real. He keeps gesturing with it, with the shot hand,

over the balcony. You know, he's got the cure. And he's like, no, mucho problema. And he's kind of like, could you bring that? Like, if you drop that, big problem.

Let me see what else I got. That's great, though. Wait, are you done with that story? Let me see. Because I got. That's great, though. Wait, are you done with that story? Let me see. Because I think that's really strong. I actually think that the key thing with that story is figuring out what it means to you. Like, what are your actual emotions?

I feel like you're kind of flippantly saying, like, oh, I guess I might be dead in two minutes. But it's like, what does it actually feel like? I have a couple thoughts on that. And maybe the act out of that. For sure. I think that's gold. That's great.

That's gold, Jerry. It was kind of disappointing, and that's true. I wanted an experience. I wanted to trip. I wanted to be like, okay, you and Ringo Starr are going to help me. You wanted to have some kind of twist. Some psychiatric twist. And then I knew my, this is real.

Real. Yeah. I knew my phone was listening to all of this because after they left, my phone showed me ads for Mortal Kombat. That's not a joke. I don't even get it. If you were hip, you would. There's a character in Mortal Kombat named Scorpion. Oh's not a joke. I don't even get it. If you were hip, you would. There's a character in Mortal Kombat

named Scorpion. Oh, I like that. So in my feed was an ad and it was the fighter Scorpion. The cheesy way to do it. Would you have gotten this? I'm a kid from the 90s so I'm afraid that if this is how I die

the last thing I'm going to think is Scorpion wins. So that's funny. That part's funny to me. And I also think like— Wait, wait, wait. Fatality. So I think like—

You like that better. Well, hold on. I actually think this is kind of a step out discussion point about jokes in general, which is like— JIG? Well, I just think like, yeah, JIG. jokes in general, which is like- J-I-G? Well, I just think like, yeah, J-I-G. Where it's like, you got to account for sometimes people don't know

what the reference you're saying is. Yeah. And so you might as well overcompensate- And say Scorpion. And say, well, yeah, or say Mortal Kombat joke and then go, and then go, and just so you know there's a character named scorpion if you don't know mortal combat and then do the scorpion wind joke because i'm laughing at scorpion winds yeah and i don't know what you're talking about yeah yeah i'm laughing

at it because you just explained to me what it is like there's so many jokes where it's like all you have to do is actually explain to people what it is and then they'll go with you for the joke so both i got ads for mortal combat i'm a 90s kid yeah it's funny i i'll remember the beats i got a good mind for that we're recording this you know i'm not gonna listen we're filming and recording 100 jk yeah no okay that feels like i have a bit can i do this other one that i want to run by yeah i have more jokes too um this one i think it'll relate to because we're we're we also have one child then this is delicate because i would it would kill me if i thought that lila would hear this joke and think that because she's like a lot that we decided to not have another kid but it was more that this is just the truth when we had one we were like this feels right

i'm not saying we might not have we might have another one at some point if that happens but so now i'm speaking to that child in case they see this see it's a tricky subject um but we're a one-child family and uh you know the triangle is the strongest shape found in nature. When it's tough with Leela, my wife and I always joke, what if there was another one? Yeah. We talk about getting a vasectomy. Then I go on the road and I'm away from my family for a couple days.

I'm like, I can't. I love Leela so much. It's life. It's beautiful. Then I come home for four hours and I'm like, I have a butter knife love Leela so much. It's life. It's beautiful. Then I come home for four hours and I'm like, I have a butter knife. I'm going to do it to myself. That's kind of dark. But this is the part that I feel more sure about. Why do men resist? I think it's because-

The vasectomy. Why do men resist a vasectomy? I think it's because, this is in my own mind, we think there is a chance it might come down to just you and one woman and everyone's dead and it's up to you to repopulate the planet. So it's going to be me and Scarlett Johansson, and that's egg on my face.

Oh, God. That I'm like, whoopsie doodle. Yeah, I think that's funny. It's tricky saying Scarlett because that's a real person, but, you know, like the most beautiful woman in the world. I almost would go to the heart of the issue the issue which is we're gonna have one because we're so tired you think that's the yeah to me that's like the funny confession of it it's sort of like it's sort of like dig into that like like like a therapist

i find it significant that you said it was difficult. Well, because I think that therein you go back to what's the confession? What's the truth? What's your secret? And it's like that's the pain that the audience members are feeling of like, oh, my God, you don't know the half of it. We have three kids. It's exhausting.

Well, we know those families that have five kids and they look like zombies. I'm like, what were you doing? Yeah. Can I run another joke, which is, I thought you'd think this is funny. You and I, I think, have similar thoughts about our dads. How did I not do a show called Thank God for Jokes?

Like, how did you scoop me? Well, I've had this joke lately where like when I was a kid, like my dad would feel underappreciated. Oh, you've told me this one. And he would go like, just send the check. Like that's all we want from him is money.

Just send that check. Just send the check. And I remember thinking like, dad's crazy. Yeah. And now I'm like, he had a good point about the check. And I remember thinking like, dad's crazy. Yeah. And now I'm like, he had a good point about the check. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Just send the check. Yeah. No, that, see, you're right on the money. I think I said this to you last time. Men are absurd. We set it up. Our egos are so fragile. I'm not just saying this.

Yeah. They're so fragile that we want to be the breadwinners, some of us. But I'll say I do. I want to pay for the dinner. I want to do... I'll get the house. And then we resent them for letting... I'll get the house.

Then we end up resenting people for doing what we said we wanted to do. Then we're like, now I gotta buy the house! It's like, you said you wanted to buy the house. Then we become Bill Burr. Now I got to get the house. Now I got to get the house. Why I got to get the house?

No, it's a nice house. Oh, you like the house? Oh, you like the house? Get the fuck out of here. Oh my God. No, but I think there's, so what I'm saying is leaning into the pain and the loneliness of like, what did I do?

You inherited a thought system of masculinity that you bought into because sometimes it makes you feel like a big shot. And then you realize you're the president and you want to eat a sandwich, but they need you in the situation room. And it's like, you ran for president. Yeah. You know what I mean? No, no, I think you're absolutely right. And I think that that's at the heart of, of kind of what my next hour, I'm trying to understand. Like I, like the fundamental thing of Please Stop the Ride, which is my next door, is about how I look at my daughter and all of her experiences. And I think, and all of her experiences. And I think, oh, when I was her age,

I looked at my own parents and I thought, oh, they know what they're doing. Yeah. And now I'm 45 and I'm that person. I'm like, oh, I don't know anything. Yeah. And I'm trying to expound on that. Yeah. I think it's funny that we give it such a hard time

that kids have to learn that Santa Claus isn't real. It's like none of it was real. Oh, my God. In fact, when I go to Disney. That's a good point. And that's a good joke. None of it was real. That's yours.

That's in this. I'll take that. But it's your observation. It's just the image it gave me. Because when I go to Disneyland with Lila, I do the impression of an Indiana Jones-style dad because it's comforting to her. There's a certain type of masculinity. Yes. Women have this as well.

Yes. That's comforting. I go, we're going to go on Pirates. We're going to go on whatever. Yeah. Then we're going to get lunch. Then we're going to leave. Yeah.

And that's fucking dad. Fucking knife. Yeah. It's great. You know what I mean? Clean. Yeah. And I do that because if you go,

what do you want to do? She'll have a panic attack. I go, go on my shoulders. Dad's driving. Right. Sleep in the back seat. I got you. The truth is I'm doing my best, but I'm being Santa Claus. I'm assuming an avatar. Right. Of dad. Yeah. Dad doesn't exist. Santa Claus doesn't exist. You go deep enough. None of it exists, Mikey. Right. Jim Carrey, of it exists, Mikey. Right. Jim Carrey, ladies and gentlemen. Without the movies.

Hey, I've been in some pieces of shit. I was in Don't Think Twice. Barely speaking role. Yeah. Gets a laugh. Gets a laugh. I know, I know. I'm just kidding.

We, uh... You play... Myself. In Don't Think Twice, you play Pete Holmes coming out of an SNL audition, and you're doing a Ray Romano impersonation, and I heard a story where Phil Rosenthal showed the movie Don't Think Twice at his house. And Ray Romano was there.

And that part came up. And Ray goes, oh, come on. It's great. Well, you know, when I shot the sketch Romano duets where I'm singing with him. Yeah. We were rolling on my part. So I had my hair blacked out. I'm wearing the open flannel shirt just like him.

I'm like, I can feel it coming in the air tonight. And he walks in while I'm shooting. It's in a big soundstage. It's dark. And I just hear him go, my poor wife. Oh, my God. That's so funny. If that's what I sound like, my poor wife.

It's funny you should say that, my poor wife. My poor wife. And that's part of what I've been trying to zero in on in my new hour is like, what is the other people in my life's perception of me? Like what hell it is to have to be married to me and have me as your dad. What a nightmare. And it's like, I feel like in my next hour hour if i can key in on that in a way that makes people laugh like i had one recently where i was like i was like sometimes jenny will point out that like i'm narrating our marriage but like we don't really need that can we turn the dvd

commentary off yeah yeah exactly so it's like so i'll be like washing the dishes i'll be like so i'm washing the dishes i'm gonna grab some ice cream for your parents coming over later. Then I'm going to get the hair out of the drain from the thing. And she'll be like, we don't need this. Yeah. You know? And that's when Mike realized he had to pick up his parents at the airport. He got the clog out of the drain.

So we finished with working at F.R. Cause. Is there a nonprofit that you think does a great job? And we'll contribute to them and link to them in the show notes. Oh, yeah. Homeboy Industries. What's Homeboy Industries? My man, my dear friend. Father Greg Boyle runs the world's largest gang rehabilitation center in Los Angeles. But I believe it's nationwide.

They have other ones and they get people with criminal records, jobs, job training. That is a phenomenal idea. And it's homeboyindustries.org. I'm looking at it right now. I will contribute to them. I'll link to them in the show notes. And that's fantastic. Free therapy, anger management, counseling. They give them jobs. They also have free tattoo removal, free. Like the best tattoo people in the world donate their time. So it's an incredible place.

Homeboy Industries. Pete Holmes, I love you. I love your special. Thanks, man. I will keep recommending it. Please, you know, can I just say this? Yeah. You want to talk about honesty?

Netflix either buys a special or they lease it. Okay. Mine is leased. So if people don't watch it, it's going to be gone. Oh, wow. this yeah you want to talk about honesty netflix either buys a special or they lease it okay mine is leased so if people don't watch it it's gonna be gone oh wow so i'm like please please spare me the humiliation info it's so inside and it's just so raw i'm like if this it gets one year and if it drops off it's because we didn't promote it and people didn't find it or whatever but i'm like trying i'm shouting it from the rooftops but it's not a zero off, it's because we didn't promote it and people didn't find it or whatever. But I'm shouting it from the rooftops.

But it's not a zero-sum game. It's like if we don't get people to watch what is my favorite special that I work the hardest on and I like the most, it will drop off. I'm going to cut you off there. Pete Holmes, everybody, check it out. It's on Netflix. We're on local radio. Actually, my producer is saying we have to go. I'm sorry, Pete. We're going to cut you off there. It's raining in Santa is saying we have to go. I'm sorry, Pete.

We're going to cut you out there. It's raining in Santa Fe. There's breaking news. I'm sorry. We're going to throw to traffic. Billy Bean on traffic. Working it out because it's not done. Working it out because there's no hope we're working it out

because there's no that's going to do it for another episode of Working It Out I love talking with that Pete Holmes you can watch his new special I Am Not For Everyone on Netflix you can follow him on Instagram at Pete Holmes you can watch the full video of our interview

on our YouTube channel at Mike Birbiglia check that out and subscribe. We are going to be posting more and more videos. Don't miss it. Go to birbigs.com, sign up for the mailing list. That's how you're the first to know about my upcoming shows and added tour cities. Our producers of Working It Out Are Myself, along with Peter Salamone and Joseph Birbiglia, associate producer Mabel Lewis, consulting producer Seth Barish, assistant producer Gary Simons,

sound mix by Ben Cruz, supervising engineer Kate Balinski. Special thanks to Marissa Hurwitz and Josh Upfall, as well as David Raphael and Nina Quick. My consigliere is Mike Berkowitz. Special thanks to Jack Antonoff and Bleachers for their music. Special thanks to my wife, the poet J. Hope Stein. Her book Little Astronaut is in bookstores. It's a good holiday gift. Special thanks, as wife, the poet J. Hope Stein. Her book, Little Astronaut, is in bookstores.

It's a good holiday gift. Special thanks, as always, to my daughter, Una, who built the original radio for Made of Pillows. Thanks to you listeners for writing on Apple Podcasts and rating and reviewing

and saying which episode you enjoyed the most. That helps us out a lot. Tell your friends about the podcast. Tell your enemies about the podcast. Let's say you have a friend who's close to becoming an enemy because they do a very unflattering impression of you,

just like hypothetically. And they think it's funny. But instead of doing a mean impression of them, what you could do is recommend a podcast. You go, there's this podcast where comedians work out and new material and maybe you could listen to that. Or maybe you could be on it three times. I'm talking to you, Pete.

See you next time, everybody.