Mike Birbiglia's Working It Out - 142. Aisling Bea Returns: We Like You Here

Episode Date: August 26, 2024

Beloved UK comedian Aisling Bea returns to Working It Out. Mike and Aisling discuss how to find your people, Catholic school health class, and dating app fails. Plus, new jokes about what Mike’s dad was doing while his family went to church and the most obvious and best thing about pregnancy sex.Please consider donating to City HarvestClick here to purchase signed print of “The Old Man & the Pool” joke cards to raise money for the YMCA New York.

Okay, so it was an eventful way that you arrived today. For starters, we are beginning this interview an hour and 10 minutes after we plan to. You're visiting from London and you took an Uber from a hotel, presumably? Yeah, yeah, yeah, just another sexy hotel. Okay, sexy hotel, and then you took an Uber and it took you to the wrong address. Three times so. But I think without giving away your full address, I can't totally defend myself, Your Honor. It's like I'm under an NDA and I want to be able to defend myself

but trying to put in this weird address, each time I put it in, it went the wrong way and then righted itself went the wrong way and eventually I just had to get my barbie out to pick me up in his car and you really were like, well, this has never happened before. That's how I sounded? Yes.

This is how you sounded? Yeah. Well, I'm just going to be 15 minutes late. And then it was, well, I'm just going to be 30 minutes late. And then you're like, oh, actually, can you pick me up? How good of an Irish accent is that? I would say. On a scale of one to ten.

Do you know what I loved about it? That even if it was a terrible accent, there was a gentleness with which you perceive me that I found really fascinating. Because normally when people do impressions of me, they're like, oh my god, both of you are so human. And in my head, I'm sort of like, I'm just a girl trying my best to tell stories. That is the voice of the great Aisling Bee.

Aisling is the pride of Ireland and also London, from Ireland, lives currently in London. One of our favorite guests we've ever had on the podcast, her first time in the studio, a very eventful way that she made her way in today. She was very late and then called me and said, can you pick me up? And I picked her up. And that's sort of where the episode starts, which was a fun way to start a conversation with her.

Aisling starred in the Netflix comedy drama series which was a fun way to start a conversation with her. Aisling starred in the Netflix comedy drama series, Living With Yourself, alongside the great Paul Rudd. She co-created the series This Way Up and also starred in it, which won a BAFTA. She has standup in the comedy lineup on Netflix. I loved talking to her today. She's a phenomenal comic.

I wanna thank everybody. Last week, we raised a whole bunch of money at Largo for the YMCA in Los Angeles. We had Judd Apatow and Nick Kroll and Atsuko Okazaka and Larry Wilmore and Billy Strings was just like an all surprise lineup. We raised, I think somewhere in the universe of like 10 to $20,000 for the YMCA Los Angeles.

We are also raising money for the YMCA New York with this big print. The actual note cards from the Old Man in the Pool show that are pinned onto a corkboard and framed and signed. Currently Judd Apatow is in the lead. It's on charitybuzz.com slash Mike Purbiglia. All the money goes to the New York YMCA. And we're working on, this is,

in the comments of that post, a bunch of people said, you should make prints of this so that everybody could donate and everyone could get like a print of it. We're working on it. I read the comments. I know I'm not supposed to, but I read the it. We're working on it. I read the comments, I know I'm not supposed to,

but I read the comments and we're working on it. In September, you will be able to see my shows. I'm doing two in New Jersey, and then I'm going to Madison. I'm going to Milwaukee, I'm going to Detroit. I'm going to all the swing states. I'm not meaning to. This is just what my tour looks like right now. I'm going to Dayton, Ohio, Pittsburgh, Louisville, Kentucky, Nashville. I'm at the Ryman, Asheville, North Carolina, and Charleston, South Carolina. By the way, all of these theaters, gorgeous

theaters. Oh, the other one I didn't mention, the Academy of Music in Philadelphia. I've actually never performed there. So if you're in Philadelphia, check out that show. It's gonna be one night only. It's gonna be really, really cool. Check out birdbigs.com. We are adding more cities. Join the mailing list. That is the best way to know.

We will add some shows in Los Angeles this winter. And there's a big New York City announcement coming soon. I love this episode with Aisling B. We talk about trying to find the right spaces in comedy where you're surrounding yourself with people who help you feel comfortable and welcome. We talk about channeling your ambition as a comedian. Aisling just recently gave birth as of this recording. She was pregnant. She talks about her experiences with pregnancy and talking about it on stage

and how sometimes the way she feels about it is not the way people want her to feel about it, which I kind of love. That's some of my favorite comedy often is when that's the case. I'm thrilled that she came in the studio. I love this episode. Enjoy my conversation with the great Aisling Bee.

Talk to me about Irish storytelling, because the Irish are famous for being literary titans. Yes, you know, it's so something that's of high value in our culture. So people who can tell stories and I'm often fascinated by how storytelling, writing, stand-up comes to be in each culture. So what I love in Irish culture that the storytelling and bringing you in, whereas say American stand up seems to have its origins in more after hours Broadway where people would come and do a little bit, which is where the sort of five and tens of stand up comes from. Cabaret.

The cabaret circus. People would come on and do songs and then you were a bit to talk would be as long as a song or two. That's so interesting. Because, yeah, because, well, the other origin is in America, is at strip clubs. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, Richard Pryor would perform at strip clubs, sort of in between dancers and things like that.

And, and, yeah, that's a huge... That's, I didn't, I never made that connection that European standup has more of its roots in storytelling. Yes, and in the UK, the standup comes from musical. So in Ireland, it's very much around the Shanakee, which is the Irish for storytelling. So around the fireplace and that sort of regaling people. For me, when I saw your work,

I felt like it was very not what I know to be classic American stand-up. It fits so much more in the Irish model and in the sort of Irish UK model, which is storytelling that sort of ends up somewhere with jokes along the way. My observation when I'm in Ireland, and I love it there, I mean, I've been to Dublin, I've been to Dingle,

I've been to Kilkenny. That's where my dad was from. Oh, from Dingle. Yeah, just outside of Dingle. No kidding. Jenny and I went to Dingle once, and Jenny said to me, this is a very Jen thing to do. She says to me, we've been together for maybe a year.

Oh, so new time. New love, new time. New love. And she goes, this town is famous for its berries. And the people are doing the math at home. If people are doing the math at home, this is a slang term, dangle berries, for an accruement of something that develops...

At the base. At the base of one's arse. Thank you. Thank you for using the science. And this is a slang term. Dingleberries. Yeah. It's not actual berries.

No, very much not. Jen had a faint recollection of this. She goes, I think they are famous. Oh, she wasn't joking. No, no. She goes, I think they are famous. For their dingleberries. I know what she's talking about, but I don't want to say it to her.

And I go, no, I don't. First year of your, you're still trying to be very sexy with each other and attractive, you don't want to say, I think that's a collection of excrement at the anus. Hun. Right. Yeah. Hun. Yeah. And and so I go, no, I don't think so. She goes, no, I think so. And then we both become Larry David. And then and then and finally, she asks the barkeep, no,, excuse me, is this town famous for its berries?

The barkeep walks over to the other end of the bar, tells a group of Irishmen, they all start uproariously laughing. He walks back and he goes, no, it's not. I love moments like that, that even like in the idea of the story where you're sort of othering the people, but then they end up othering you. That you become the other, like these fucking idiots. These fucking people. How did you end up in Dingle in your first year of going out with each other?

I was performing... The Cat Laugh Festival or something. Yes. Kilkenny. Which is like one of the great comedy festivals in the world. Yeah, big time. As any kind of American or probably Australian, you really have to take a humble pill because if you follow someone like yourself

or Tommy Tiernan or any local Irish comic, you're just dying. It's so surprising. You're just dying comparatively. I didn't understand how it must be for maybe not now, but like six, seven years ago, how it is to be a white straight guy walking onto stage and just being like, they're assuming I'm going to be good.

Before I did Kill Kenny, because I'm an Irish person, and I would walk on stage and people would sort of be ready for me to be good. Even before I had sort of any sort of profile or anything like that. And I was like, oh, this feels like I'm giving, I'm getting something for free. And then I would watch some of the best UK and American standups do what I know and had already seen to be some of the best stand up and people like they barely mentioned the local shop and like you could see if and my advice to any any kind of out-of-towner was like just mention something you've seen locally it doesn't have to have a joke in it just being like hey done stores and people are like

done stores I know done stores. And people are like, ah, ha, ha, ha. Done stores, yeah. Done stores, I know, done stores. It's a very, you need, yeah. And it's true everywhere in the world, to some degree. You do want to mention that you've been somewhere. Of course. But there, particularly. Yeah. Have you been working on,

because last time you were on the podcast, we talked a bit about your dad and the death of your dad. Oh yes, yes, yes. And we talked about that that might end up being the subject of a solo show. Have you investigated it more? Do you know what I learned a little bit? I think you have to be in the right place to do things.

If you're going to mine yourself and any sad bits, you definitely have to prepare for something to turn into a product. And there'll be different points at life when you do that. But at the moment, I don't feel I don't know yet because I wrote an article about his death. I knew the purpose of writing that article when I wrote it. It was about suicide for anyone who's listening in or watching. And I knew the purpose was that when I was growing up, there was no one, I was even talking about it to my fella the other day. I remember there was just no reading. There was no, it was nothing on TV. There was nowhere that word came up. And when I went to the UK to drama school,

we wouldn't have watched TV on our laptops and stuff like that. And I remember seeing in the sort of free newspaper that that evening there was a show called something like Suicide and Me or something like that. And I remember seeing that and feeling very private about it. But I didn't have a telly, a TV in the house I was staying in. And I remember thinking, I wonder now, is there any way I could ask to go home and watch someone else's TV this evening at 7?

And I said to them there was some Irish news story on. And they were like, oh, OK. I tried to make it not weird. And I sat in their bedroom watching their TV while they were downstairs watching something, anything about this subject that I hadn't seen anywhere. Right. And because you felt that it was almost a taboo subject

and it was something that you had thought about a lot. It was and is and then was just completely missing and it was just like, I need to know that's some other opinion out there or that someone's talking about it. Yeah. And so I knew when I wrote that article that that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to just put like, here's my experience.

It might not be yours, but at least someone's like, at least I'm not the person. If I'm so hungry for that story and I have the story myself and I'm a storyteller, then it feels a bit cowardly of me not to be one of the people putting a story out. Yeah, yeah, I get that. If you know what I mean. And that I can contribute to that slight change in my own little way. And so I knew the purpose, which was important. And so with another story or something like that,

I don't know the purpose yet, the point of it. And is it necessary or is it needed? I don't mean even from an external thing, but is there, I don't know why I'd plow ahead and do night after night of warmup gigs and tours or write something or push through a book or whatever it is. I don't know what my end goal would be yet. Yeah.

And once you have that, oh, my God, it drives you through the night. It drives you to whether it's, you know, being a father yourself, that gets you up on the tired nights to push through or whatever your thing is. It's your engine on your back type of thing driving you forward. So, for example, Mike, at the moment, I'm seven and a half months pregnant. And I've been doing and what I felt a little bit was that my body was forcing me to do stand about something rather than me deciding I wanted to do stand about this. And for the last couple

of weeks, you know, I wasn't gigging for two months because I was trying to, I just didn't, I didn't find, it's not even that I didn't find any joy in it. I still don't find any joy in it. I do not enjoy being pregnant, but I couldn't find anything funny about my lack of joy. I could only be angry and sad and feeling sort of, which a lot of people find when they're pregnant, like a grief of the loss of your autonomy, your physical autonomy, even in a couple that you're like, I know we say we're doing it, but it's hard not to feel like you're not, you had the best version of what you were doing. Like, I can't imagine a better way for you to have ended up in this position. Like, it must have really felt a fucking minute. And I know it felt amazing because I saw your face

when it happened, I remember your face. And so doing- Joyous. Joyous, oh my God, joyous. And then the other end you're like, hmm. Right, it's a little lopsided, you and your mate. Yeah, it really is. In relation to what the duties are moving forward.

And then when they say congratulations to you both. Yeah, and you're like, oh, just to us both, yeah. Okay, so well done to us both. So we'll do it in my body, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, well, let's choose in my body and then. We'll have the whole dinner at my house and I'll pay for the wine and all the food

and I'll do the cooking. And you just come whenever you want and you be like, fine, cool, brilliant, lovely. Yeah. But I also felt it was the first time I'd ever felt forced to talk about something. Whereas before you could either you could have a breakup at home or a divorce or whatever you wanted. And you wouldn't have to talk about it because people would know.

But you have to eventually address that you can't just walk on stage with a bump. You are showing child. You are showing child. Thank you, doctor. So I felt really, the first gig or two when I had all these jokes and I'd been writing stuff down on my notes and I had all these jokes, but the first gig I did, I said, oh, I'm doing new material because well, I'm pregnant. And I was ready to do my next joke and everyone did a clap. And I've never been married or done anything

where, you know, an automatic like, woo! Right, right, right, right, right. Like type of thing. It might be, I might've done something like, Ireland won the match or, you know, I've never done anything that warrants you don't need to do any material with this as well, clap. And I didn't, it really threw me because I didn't feel like

I'd achieved anything because I don't see it as an achievement. Like there are things I see I've done that I've really worked hard for rather than like, whoopsie. And so when they clapped, I felt a little bit like the me at home came out, not the comic. And I felt quite vulnerable.

And it took about three or four minutes for I think the audience to relax to know I was okay. And I think it's because I didn't really know if I was okay talking about something because that day I was tired. So if it had been a normal standup situation, I would have just talked about, what's the deal with all this rain?

Or some of my other classic material that you'll only hear from me. Some of my other absolute hot takes on the weather. And that was just an interesting process to try and my ego as a performer to try and get it back versus my actual, oh, do I really want to talk about this? And it took me maybe four gigs and last night I was on in Brooklyn and even though I was doing roughly the same stuff, I knew that I wanted to be able to talk publicly about not liking pregnancy. Not everyone has to. That's really important to me.

I don't want to feel like I have to be grateful because not everyone gets the experience. I don't want to feel like I have to not be allowed to say that because I've got, oh my God, I've got so many friends and I'm sure you do as well, who are like just cows at this stage with no baby in sight and they leave with just giant receipts from IVF and drawmen and all the rest of them don't get to do this. And but that still should not mean that I have to sort of go, oh, sorry for this. I still want to be able to talk about that and to like take away for anyone who wants to see it. The, and there are lots of standups doing this as well, the facade of like, it's a most wonderful time of your life.

I don't feel like that. Yeah. But I had to be able to do it in a way that was like, still funny and no one was going to be worried about me. And I just, I think I just cracked it last night and it was more the energy behind me speaking and knowing that's where I wanted to end it. And people could still feel like I'm happy to be a mother, but not happy to be, have

this illness that everyone says congrats and goes, oh, look at you. Right. Morning sickness and all kinds of things. So there was this sort of point of... Challenge of walking up steps, for example. Or for example, if you're like running, I don't know, 15 minutes late, and someone who's, you know, who got his baby out of just a little bit of jizz,

is like, oh, 15 minutes, and then you're trying your best to manage creating life and working the Uber in a foreign country, and then... Who would do that then you're like, well exactly, who would do that? And then yes, maybe you're an hour late, but also. Oh, an hour late, but that's different. Oh is it, even for a pregnant person?

I think an hour. In the, like in a hypothetical scenario, I think 15 you go. Oh, absolutely Mike. 15, I think everyone's, you go. Oh, absolutely, Mike. 15, I think everyone's, you know. I think an hour plus you picked me up in your car. Yeah, when I saw that we were starting out, when I got here and it's one,

and I knew we were supposed to start 12, I was like, even for me, that's now. This is a slow round. What are people's favorite and least favorite things about you? Oh my God. Oh, this is awful. This is what my therapist says not to think about. What are my favorite? I'd say it's easier to start with least favorites because I think as every comedian doesn't. That's what makes a comedian.

Yes, sure. That they all know the things that people like. We all know the things. I interrupt quite a lot. OK. I speak quite a lot. I speak quite a lot. It takes me, I know what I'm trying to say and some people do it in one sentence

and it nearly always takes me 14 to 17 sentences to say the same thing. I'll add a metaphor onto everything even though the person in front of me clearly understands what I mean. That's very funny to me. Like every single time. That should be a bit.

Yeah, so I do that all the time with everything and people normally go, yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. No, no, I get it, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it and I'm like, what you see? And then, so I do that quite a lot. What's people's favorite thing about you? I don't, I think I'm generous. I really, I don't like scabbiness.

Do you say scabbiness here? Scabbiness in relation to what? Scabbiness is like if someone, it's not even about like money, but like say if there was your fork and someone else's cup by the side of the sink and you washed your own fork and didn't just like do the cup as well. If you were like making just yourself a cup of tea. I hate a selfish cup of tea where you just make yourself a cup of tea, knowing that the only thing you have to do is go, hey, do you want a cup of tea?

They may say yes, which is, of course, boring to have to make two cups of tea. But like, just do it. Don't be scabby. Or even buying a round. Scabby is nice. I like scabby. I'd like to get that into my vocabulary. Scabby, yeah. So I hate scabbiness. Now it doesn't mean if you've no money that you shouldn't be, there's all sorts of ways to be generous with yourself, your time, your money. Oh I follow it. I follow it. You say exactly you follow it. And I'm already trying to do a metaphor

even though you follow it. So I think I'm not scabby. I think I'm actively not scabby. That's nice. What's a memory you have that still makes you cringe? Oh my God. Oh, there would have been loads of ones, like, especially in my, like, dating days before I'd gone to enough therapy where someone clearly had no interest. And I was like, I'm just going to, just going to, just for myself, send one or two last texts, a bit of a joke. Oh, I remember I was like, I'm just gonna, just gonna, just for myself, send one or two last texts, a bit of a joke.

Oh, I remember I was on, this is cringey to me, but my friend really enjoyed it, that I was on a dating app and a few years ago, and this guy matched with me and we had a few friends in common. And he was like, and I thought, and I thought one of his pictures was broccoli. And I was like, that's a bit funny. One of his pictures is broccoli. That's my sort of person. Someone who's on an app that's all about

looking like you own a boat or whatever, that someone would choose just broccoli and throw it in there. It's like, ah, that's a bit silly. So in name, yeah. Yeah, it's just exactly, it's just a bit silly. So I was like, that's my kind of vibe, bit of silliness. And we'd sort of back and forth it's just exactly, it's just a bit silly. So I was like, that's my kind of vibe, bit of silliness. And we'd sort of, you know, back and forth it.

And he said, oh, your friends speak, our friends speak so highly of you and la la la. And then something came up about jail. And basically, and I skipped the bit where, in my head, where I really made sure that he was a bit of a silly Billy. And I wrote this reply. You thought he was Mr. Broccoli.

Oh, I thought he was Mr. Broccoli. And it turns out maybe Broccoli had been an accident on his phone because maybe Broccoli was a default setting from like Windows 95 or something. Because I wrote back a reply that when I was writing it, I was like, this will earn me a BAFTA for comedy writing. And, you know, all of our back and forths had been sort of equi-size. So his thing, I come up with a joke, he set me up for something, I come up with a good joke, he said something about jail, and then my reply was about this fat, like kind of three inches long in the sort of reply zone. And I did this thing about writing, oh yes, well I'm

in jail right now, I'm putting on a play. All the other prisoners are involved in the play that I'm doing of Macbeth. Sure, not everyone remembers their lines all the time, but we're trying and that's the important. I just did this whole long, what I thought was absolutely effing hilarious bit that I was in prison directing a prison play. And that's the important. I just did this whole long, what I thought was absolutely effing hilarious bit that I was in prison directing a prison play and that's where I was texting him from, did he mind? And would he want to come and see it? I could get him like a pass for like a visitor pass to come and see the prison play. Some of the other people in prison are also having their families watch. Like it was, as long as I'm telling you, it was double the length of the time, you know? And I really, I was like, oh my God.

And up to that point, it had been sort of over the course of two or three days, enough texts to pass to know someone's interested. And then began five days of no reply. I love that. That long text and then five days of no reply. Five days of no reply. And it's towards the end. Because you're clearly doing a bit. Oh exactly. And the person is either A, not engaging with the bit or B, just not scared of their lives for how absolutely mad it was. Taking it literally maybe. Yeah, I doubt they thought I was just extremely mad it was. Taking it literally, maybe. Yeah, I doubted, I doubted that I was in jail directing a play.

But even if they'd wrote out, ha ha, don't even know what to make of that, that would have been like something. And then I could have like pulled back a bit and like rejigged myself. But the silence after it. Yeah, the silence. Oh my God.

And you still think about it. Yes, when I went to my, I went myself and my friend had been exercising in the park regularly through the pandemic and this was kind of towards the end when things were opening up again as well. And I was like, do you think this is mad? Maybe I don't know. And I read it to her and she laughed so hard, not necessarily what I was saying, but at the set up that he'd given me no clear signs that he would be ready for such a mad story.

And when I read it out to her, I could hear myself sounding mad, mad as the day is long. And I was imagining him on the other side going, yeah, cool, bit of fun, bit of fun. I'm directing a play in prison. Everyone's going to be there. It's Macbeth. The prisoners are involved. Like, so silly. And as I was writing, I genuinely thought, this is, he's going to get such a laugh out of this and fall in love with me, and I should, like, receive a ring pretty soon.

And instead, silence for five days, and the reply was, sorry, was away. This is the result. This is why I find comedians, we are often misunderstood people. Thank you. In life, we are often misunderstood people. In life, outside of our stage work. I did full stage work in an environment that was just set up to serve food.

Do you know what I mean? It was so awful and also it was nothing sexy about it, you know, because in those stages, you're basically like being like, I've got boobs, you've got a penis, let's call the whole thing off. And there was nothing sexy about my reply. And I still I still think about that. And my friend Kate brings it up all the time because she thinks the aftermath silence was so funny. Can you remember a version of yourself that was sort of an inauthentic version of yourself? Yeah, definitely.

I think when I think and this is like being younger and also being a performer and wanting people to like you, even if you didn't like them to have it's a Simon Cowell on the X factor thing that so many people respect the person who rarely says anything nice and or being in environments where you know people sort of want you to fail and you're like, I'm going to prove them wrong. And it's a weird sense of achievement when you earn that because you're a very good example of this. You're someone who I always remember, I felt like you instantly liked me and that was so nice. And I was like, Oh, I got to seek out that

more because there's so many environments where you seek validation from people who you just want to prove them wrong, that I am worth being seen or I am worth being looked at. And it's just a chase that exhausts you. And it happens in every walk of life, but it's really in our performance space because we all have a lot of what pushes us into this is a need for validation and a need for kind of clapping and being told you're great a lot of what pushes us into this is a need for validation and a need for kind of clapping and being told, you're great a lot of the time. And it's taken a long time to get out of that, of not wanting to be in, not hungry or moving mountains

to try and be accepted in spaces that are never really going to like you. I definitely have had a, that's one of my biggest things is wanting to be liked. There's this amazing interview with Michelle Obama where someone asks her best piece of advice that was given to her and she says her parents, and I'm paraphrasing, her parents said to her,

we like you here at home. Yeah. And then she basically says to her, like everywhere you go in the world, where you're getting a job or this or that, some people are not going to like you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're always going to like you. And I just think it's such a beautiful...

Yeah. We try to instill that with our daughter too. To be in spaces where you don't have to work that hard to be liked is huge. And it's definitely been some of my life's work in my personal life and in my work life because what ends up happening is you give people who sort of at best will give you five bucks of attention or love and you give them 100 pounds investment and the people who are never going to charge you and just like you, you're like, yeah, I'll come back.

I'll reply to you later. But this person who rarely texts me, I'll give them to them immediately. And that's a real... That's a whole thing. And then you find yourself around... I think that you should do a bit about. And the reason I say that is that it seems very close to your heart.

And it feels like, and it seems very close to your heart. It's very immediately funny to me. I can imagine that that's your case. Last night, for example, I was doing, there are some comedy spaces that I haven't always felt comfortable with. A bit of my alpha nature feels like I wanted to prove that I was good enough in those spaces or kind of go, no, no, no, I know I didn't prove it there, but just like, let me have a second, I can handle this. And last night I went to Maeve Higgins, who I'm sure you know runs a gig called

Butterboy in Brooklyn, which last time I played it was probably five years ago when I was in New York. And I'm doing this new pregnancy material that I'm a bit nervous about. And sometimes gigging in a new country or even like, you know, there's kind of like harder clubs in America you could go in and you're not totally helped to feel more comfortable backstage. It can be quite a competitive environment. And I'm not an innately competitive person.

I love backstage environments with comics where we all chat and want each other to win. It's one of my favorite places in the world and I can imagine you're like that as well. And I arrived at, even though Maeve's back in Ireland, Alison Leiby and Josh Gondelman were hosting Butterboy last night and I was so nervous because I was doing this set and I was a bit tired and feeling a bit jet lagged and I felt like I just wanted to be in small, not out and with a microphone. Like I didn't feel like a comedian yesterday. And when I arrived, their energy, even though I hadn't seen them in five or six years, was

so like, ACHELING! And I was so, I felt so immediately liked. And it was so like, oh, I can win here. Or if I do badly, I'll still, like, it won't change their perception of me. I feel like I'm light. And I know I did better and felt calmer because of their energy. And that's what at the moment in life, I'm definitely making a pointed effort to go that space, not that, you know,

or if I'm in there, I can carry that with me. Right, go towards the warmth. Yeah, go towards the warmth. And I think a lot of the time I tried to go and convince other spaces to be warm. Yeah. In the way I perceived they should be. And that's up to them. But actually-

You're going to the places where people say, we like you here. Yes, we like you here. I'm basically trying to find Michelle Obama's home life around the place. And it helps you thrive as well. No, I think that's true. It's true in relationships too. Like it's just generally a good thing to try to be with someone with whom you can thrive and succeed with and help them and they help

you and you support each other. And also your mad bits feel, I do have a standard about this, about like in love that you want to be with someone who knows the bad bits are there and accepts them. But God, everyone has bad bits and when they think about them they're like, yeah, but have you seen the sunshine in the other bits are there and accepts them. But God, everyone has bad bits. And when they think about them, they're like, yeah, but have you seen the sunshine in the other bits? Like, have you seen the sort of, it doesn't, your bad bits aren't such a tree that they overshadow

all the light coming through from your good bits. Are you saying bits is in comedy bits? Or just bits of yourself? No, not comedy bits, parts of yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Parts of yourself. And so, and that's what you're looking for, is someone who, you know, you don't want to

be with a super fan. It's someone who absolutely gets like, oh yeah, she talks a bit too much. Oh yeah, she interrupts. Oh boy, does she do a metaphor after I've already understood the point for four minutes. But have you seen how unscabby she is? She's so not scabby and unscabbiness is my favorite thing. And that's what you're looking to be in that, that you don't feel like you're, you can't have a day off or a bad day with a person,

but that if you do, you're like, yeah, but like look at all the great stuff. I think in some ways that's like your relationship as a comedian to the audience, is that you want to show your scabby bits, let's say, in a way that they go, I know what you mean. You want to show your scabby bits, let's say, in a way that they go, I know what you mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, as opposed to like, I'm fantastic,

you know, look at me at this angle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, yeah, I think that that is a bit of a dance in stand-up, because I think when you're starting out in stand-up, I don't think you really want to admit those things. You don't want to admit those things. And what's so lovely is finding the in to your scabby bits to tell an audience.

So they laugh with you. Yes, I agree with you. It's such a feeling when you say, like at the moment with the pregnancy bits, say in the first gig, I felt like my scabby bit was like not loving being pregnant, but knowing that so many of my friends, more than I would ever want, have had such a tough, terrible time trying to get pregnant. And here's this thing I've sort of gotten easy enough to sort of go, I don't like it, you know?

And I'm like, oh, I hate my second car. That's what it sort of feels like you're saying. I find that sometimes what you're talking about, like you're frustrated with being pregnant, but you want to express to the audience, Sometimes what you're talking about, like you're frustrated with being pregnant, but you want to express to the audience, I get hardest for people. And so when I say this, I want to point out that I know that.

I honor those people and I respect those people. I find that when you step out of bits to point that out to people, people are pretty done with that. Oh, totally. And I think if I look at, say, me structuring this material over the course of the four gigs I've done it in the last two weeks, that when I started out, I was overly worried about that, about how they would perceive me saying it.

And when I dropped my caring about the perception, feeling like, oh, people know from my vibe that I'm in no way saying it's, like, if they accept me. Then by the end, where I got to maybe last night, I was like, I don't have to like over-apologize and go, and I get it, I get it. It's really tough. I get it. It's tough for so many people and so many of my friends. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've, you know, that I was worried about how people would would they like me. And then at the end, I'm like, oh, I'm going to assume the spaces that I was worried about how people would they like me.

And then at the end I'm like, oh, I'm going to assume the spaces that I do so I can explore this idea. Okay, so this is a bit that I'm working on, a couple bits. One is when I was a kid, my dad always told us we had to go to church, but he never went to church. Interesting. I know. I know. So you would go with your mom? I would go with my mom and my siblings, and then my dad would tuck away and smoke a pipe

in another room and I was forever thinking like I want to be part of that religion. And in a way I am. He's an atheist. Or in a way, I don't know if the end of that joke is. Agnostic. Yeah, I'm agnostic. Is the religion he's part of happy wife, happy life. So maybe your mother felt it was important to go to church

and he was like, you need to go. Don't ask me why I'm in the corner of my pipe, but you need to go because my religion is my wife and what she wants is the thing. Well, it's funny, I think he, and of course I'm all just reading into it because he's a silent, silent, quiet person, but he, I think in some ways it was like him being like,

it hasn't worked for me, you try it. You know what I mean? Like an exercise bike. Like I'm not using it, give this a shot. But I'm not saying exercise bikes don't work, yeah. Yeah, and then like I asked my mom about it last weekend. I was visiting my dad and my mom. I go, mom, dad never went to church,

but he always told me to go to church. You ever read on that? She said to me, she goes, before you were born, he made an announcement one day to me and Gina and Patty when we were about to go to church. I'm not going to church anymore. And then he never spoke about it again. He never went to church.

And I was like, I didn't get the announcements. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like my whole childhood, I'm realizing, is just reading into subtext. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't it so... I wonder, Will, say your kid or my kid had that same thing, because we love subtext, and we swim around and we say it out loud.

But that whole generation was, which is my problem, is that I hate not investing in the subtext. I want to make sure I understand what the subtext is. So I root around until the subtext becomes text. What's the text? Yeah. That's so many of our childhoods are like an understanding.

And then years later, you're going, oh no, I only told you that because I was tired and it was a Wednesday and you're like, I based my personality around that missing information. They're like, really? That how much stuff you take in. Isn't that the Irish thing too? Like the Irish sort of repressed.

Yeah, definitely. Like not saying how you feel about things. Oh, absolutely, yeah. This is the thing I wrote about my dad recently, which is my dad would call home from work three or four times a day and he'd go, any calls? Any mail? And we'd say no, and he would hang up. And that was like the majority of my conversations with my dad.

And I'm just like so judgmental of that. But then like I have my stupid phone and I look at it like 37 times a day, any calls, any mail, and then I put it down. How long was it before he would get home after those calls? This is a whole other joke, which is like, he would come home probably seven or eight o'clock at night. And then when I was like five or six years old, he started to go to law school in his free time.

That's how much he didn't want to be a dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You must have been so annoying. My takeaway is that it's not bad father, it's bad child. Bad child, no, no, of course. Why don't we look at what you were doing rather than focusing on what poor Pops was doing wrong? That's good. That's a better angle than I have right now actually. Most have been so annoying.

That child. And of course, you know, in some ways I'm in judgmental of my dad, but then it's like, well, what was I doing? Maybe I wasn't a great kid. Maybe you're a bit boring. Not every child is going to be brilliant. And then I wrote down this third thing about my dad,

which is, I never had a sex talk. You have a sex talk with your kid? Oh no, I don't think so. Oh God, you know what we did? We had a sex talk from this woman who came in when we were all, so it was sixth class, which I don't know what grade that is in America, but it's like 12.

Yeah, we had the same thing. So before you go to the next big school. We had health class in sixth grade. Yeah, this wasn't, no, this wasn't a class. This was everyone from that year being brought down to the PE Hall in our girls school for five days, and under which we would talk about periods, sex and all the rest of the stuff. And we were like, oh my God, we're going to have sex, we can't believe it. But there's no Google back then, there was no anything.

She left that for the Friday, but the whole Monday to Thursday was, well, Monday to Wednesday was how to wash yourself. So big. And I'm like, surely this can't be most of like adult life is learning how to wash yourself. I feel like you're skirting around the issue. But I always remember as well, talking about airing yourself out. And so not wearing underwear to give yourself a chance to breathe. And then on the Thursday, it was periods said in the most confusing possible way,

like you'll get this and the egg passes over the thing and the thing and then this and that and never really in a Catholic Irish school during the 90s mentioning how a tampon work like that was all still a bit like and then, you know, and then the liquid and this and that. And that's how you know a baby can't be there. And like, but how would the baby get in in the first place? And then on a Friday... This is more information than I know, by the way.

You already do. I'm like, I'm telling you this for Jenny, basically. This is for Jen, kind of like for her benefit. And then on the Friday, there was a bit about making children not sex. And that was the last thing we sort of heard about it. Oh, interesting. And it was the last thing we sort of heard about it. Oh, interesting. And it was really unhelpful. Like there was no information there really.

Yeah, making children. Fascinating. Not having sex. This you should do on stage. Maybe. That is kind of great. And the stuff that stays with you, like there is stuff that like,

because I've got this joke at the moment in my pregnancy bit that I hate being pregnant. The only good thing about being pregnant is that when you have sex you can't get pregnant. And then you realize, especially as a straight woman, how that's just always there. And I realized I was having sex for 24 years and that's always there like, oh no, was I drunk last night? Did I get in my eye and go into my bloodstream? Did I go in my neck? Oh my God, I have to go to the chemist.

Do I have time? If he going to hate for half a day, why don't you do this? Maybe he doesn't want to be a father, but why wouldn't he want to be a father with me? And you're like this just goes through your head all the time. And then finally, like that's over just for like nine and a half months. That goes away as a worry. But also you realize how long it's been there. That as a sort of, I was like 24 years,

24 years having sex, never took a penny for it. Just did it for the love of the game. And by the way, I'll end on an Irish phrase that I love. Oh, go on. Good on ya. Oh, good on ya, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's one of my favorite Irish phrases, good on ya. Yeah, good on ya, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I enjoy when people say that. Good on ya, Mike. Do you know how to pass on your own? Good on ya. Oh, good on ya. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's one of my favorite Irish phrases. Good on ya. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I enjoy when people say that. Good on ya, Mike. Do you know a podcast on your own? Good on ya. Yeah. We got our own studio here. Good on ya.

Good on ya. There's a little bit of in it, there's a little bit of patronizing. There's a world where you couldn't have done it. So good on ya. Yeah, that's right. You know what I mean? There's a little bit of like,

it's not, I never expected anything less from you, Mike. It's like, I could have expected a small bit less from you. And you didn't hit that bark. So good on you. Aisling B. You're an absolute charm, aren't you? Thanks, Mike. Oh, I'm going to be you.

Hey. That's when I realized that Ashing B was quite charming. Cut to cards. Oh my god, Jesus Christ. Falling from the ceiling. Oh my god, okay. One more thing. We give to a non-profit of your choice.

Oh yes. Is there a non-profit you'd like to contribute to? Oh, let me have a non-profit of your choice. Oh yes. Is there a non-profit you'd like to contribute to? Oh let me have a little think about that. As we're here in New York, it'd be nice to do something maybe for Food Bank, local food bank. Yeah, we have contributed to City Harvest before, we will do that again.

We will link to them in the show notes and encourage the folks listening to contribute as well. Congratulations on it all. Oh, thank you very much. I'm so glad to see you. It's always a joy. It always makes me happy. It always brings me warmth and the way that you're describing feeling warm in certain places with certain people, I feel that way about you.

But you know, that's also with you, Mike. Aw. And that's where I feel like, like last night I was nervous about going to my gig and I felt it all day long and you know the way when something's hanging over you until it happens you can't even relax or sleep. I had no worry about my Tuesday because I was like, oh, that's the day I'm doing Mike's podcast. I have no worry about that space. I'm feeling that I'll be left hanging. And then I end up being late and you made such a negative atmosphere.

And I was so wrong. I should have been more worried. But isn't it a negative atmosphere that makes you stronger? All right. That's it for us. Working it out, cause it's not done. Working it out, cause there's no... That We're working it out, cause there's no. That's gonna do it for another episode of Working It Out.

You can follow Ashling B on Instagram, at We Miss B, W-E-E-M-I-S-S B-E-A. You can find her live dates there as well. She's a phenomenal live performer. The full video of this episode is on our YouTube channel at Mike Birbiglia, check that out and subscribe. We are posting more and more videos by the day.

We also, a lot of these clips are on my Instagram which is at Birbigs. We had the biggest clip I've ever had on Instagram this week, which was a joke. This is the media climate we are in right now. It is a joke from my special, thank God for jokes, 2017, which was seven years ago, and it's the late people versus early people bit.

It's a joke I probably wrote 10 years ago. And it has 11 million views. And also people are fighting with each other in the comments about being, it's what's wrong with being late person, blah, blah, blah. I get it, I hear both sides. I'm just here to be a comedian and make jokes about it. You're all correct in your own way.

The producers of Working Out are myself, along with Peter Salomon, Joseph Berbiglia, and Maple Lewis, Associate Producer Gary Simons. Sound Mix by Ben Cruz, Supervising Engineer Kate Polinsky. Special thanks to Jack Antonoff and Bleachers for their music. I'm gonna go see them at Madison Square Garden in October.

Special thanks to my wife, the poet J. Hope Stein. Her audio book of Little Astronaut is now available at all the audio book places. Special thanks as always to our daughter, Una, who built the original radio for it made of pillows. Thanks most of all to you for listening. If you enjoy the show, rate us and review us on Apple podcast this week. Someone wrote, this is rubbing dots, someone wrote, Mike Burbiglia is a great source of

medical advice. That's the entire review. And I reposted on Instagram stories just saying, if you're enjoying working it out, it helps us a lot if you write a user review. But not like this one. But no, we love it. You know what our favorite thing is? If you say what your favorite episode is, because there's at this point 140 something

episodes and if you're new to the thing, how would you even know how to get in? So some people wrote the Bill Hader episode. Some people wrote the Hassan Minaj episode, or the Roy Wood Jr. episode, or the John Mulaney episode. That's great. It's all super helpful. Which is all to say, tell your friends, tell your enemies. Say you're late for an appointment, like 60 minutes late, and the person you have

an appointment with has 60 minutes late, and the person you have an appointment with has to get in their car and drive to meet you. And when you get in the car, there's tension, it's awkward. Maybe to ease the tension, you hook up to their Bluetooth and you go, you know what we should do? We should listen to Mike Brambillo's working at network. He goes deep on the creative process with other creative people.

And he even talks about late people versus early people. And then you'll have a laugh about it. And while you're laughing and laughing, the tension will pass and you'll be able to say, I'm sorry, I'll be on time next time. Thanks everybody. We're working it out. We'll see you next time.

On time, on time.