Mike Birbiglia's Working It Out - 37. Jo Firestone: Onomatopizza and the Fyrestone Fest

Episode Date: April 12, 2021

In anticipation of this week’s “Worldwide Comedy Pizza Party” Mike welcomes one of the most uniquely funny people alive and the two comics go deep on deep dish. Jo explains her controversial take on eating pizza crust first and builds on Mike’s already over the top “onomatopizza” pun. Along the way Jo tells the story of the time she put on a comedy festival at a carwash at 8 o’clock in the morning and why she ordered 30 pizzas for the audience. Podcast is served. https://www.iamwomankind.org/

Hey, everybody, it's Mike, and we're back with a new episode. A new episode of Working It Out. I'm so excited. If you don't have tickets already for the Worldwide Comedy Pizza Party Encore this Friday and Saturday. By all means, do it. 100% jokes about pizza, some of which I work on with Joe Firestone on the episode today. Tickets at burbigs.com. But today we got Joe Firestone,

one of the funniest people on the planet. You might recognize her. She plays a little role in Don't Think Twice, if you saw that. She's one of the improv students in Gillian Jacobs' class, along with Gary Richardson and Josh Rabinowitz and Connor Ratliff. She's been on Search Party and Broad City and The Tonight Show and John Glazer Loves Gear and Joe Parra talks with you.

Tons of stuff. She's one of these people, if you Google image her, you go, oh, yeah, yeah, of course. Of course I know who that is. She has her own half-hour special in Comedy Central. She is an absolute riot. She's one of the funniest people I have ever encountered. And I hope that you enjoy my

conversation with joe firestar one of the rituals that i was when i was researching you is you said you do three three pages of morning pages in the morning. And I was so impressed by that. I was like, I mean, I don't know. I mean, I do morning pages. I think this will be interesting for our creative listeners who are writers and creators. And a lot of people have this concept of morning pages,

which goes back to, I think it goes, the first reference I had to it was The Artist's Way. Yeah, but then, so the thing about The Artist's Way, I think it probably works, but I always get to the section where they're like, take yourself out on an artistic date. And that's always, but I'm like, I can't do this. I don't remember that part. Take yourself out on an artistic date. It's like, take yourself to the museum. Take yourself, and I'm like, I don't do this. I don't remember that part. Take yourself out on an artistic date. It's like, take yourself to the museum.

Take yourself. And I'm like, I don't want to do that. I don't want to go on a date with myself. This sounds bad. But I do find that with morning pages, I think I'm doing it wrong because it is not funny at all. None of it's funny. It's all. I wish I could burn all of these journals.

They're all like emotional spewing. It's just so terrible. I think about that all the time with my free writing is like, wow, like almost none of this works. But then, you know what? Every once in a while, I'll read back through it and I'll just circle like a sentence here or a couple sentences there and I'm like actually that's pretty good because like because the the book the new one which you saw as a as a show the new one on Broadway uh a lot of that was from free writing morning pages whoa and it was it was yeah and it was like stuff where I'm like well I'm never'm never going to tell anyone this. It's way too depressing.

And then I sort of figure it out, like, if I cherry pick this and this and this and this, it actually leads to something that is funny but also kind of like, I don't know, kind of painfully honest to me. Well, that's the thing is, like, I feel like as it's like there's this really fine line where it's like you want to get in touch with these feelings and these like terrible parts of yourself that other people can relate to and like that other people can connect to and it's like oh i also get irrationally angry at that but then the the real fear is that you say something like that and then it turns out that you're like a freaking toad and nobody else feels that way. And then you're like, oh, I am alone. Do you know what I mean?

Wait, did you say toad like T-O-A-D? Yeah. Like what do you mean you're a toad? Like you're just like this little reptile and it's like nobody else thinks like that. And that's the real fear where you're like, I get so angry at my blender. And then it's like, and then people are are like we don't get angry at our blender oh yes no no and that's whenever people like don't like the new one book or the new one show it's really almost impossible for me to not take it personally because i'm like you basically read

you read you basically read my diary and we're like i don't like you. Yes. No, that's the point. That's the point. I went to L.A. for like one of the first times for my like, you know, in show business. Like I'd been to L.A. before, but I'd never been for show business. And I was like on one of my first shows in L.A. And I tried a new joke about, it was so embarrassing. It was a joke. I thought it was really relatable. It was a joke. I thought it was really relatable.

It was a joke about staining underpants, okay? And the audience, I said the joke about staining underpants. Should be very relatable. I mean, people stain. Because human beings stain underpants all the time. But people, everybody. People are staining underpants as we speak. I don't know if that's true in LA.

I don't think anyone stains their underpants in LA. Right, right. That's the problem. That's the problem. Oh, God. It is a really stainless. It's a stainless steel environment. And it's like the audience went, they go, aw.

And I was like, I am alone. I'm alone and disgusting. Oh, my God. And it was like, it makes you afraid to really go into that. I don't think that people always understand this aspect of stand-up comedy, which is that it's one of the only art forms. And I can't even think of like a, when I say one of, I might mean the only, but I don't know for sure.

I'm hedging. I'm hedging a little bit, but it's one of the only art forms where you actually need the audience to tell you whether or not what you're saying makes any sense. Yeah. You put something in front of people. I soiled my underpants. I stained my underpants. And if they give you feedback that indicates that they have too, you know you're on to something. If you say, I stained my underpants and they give you nothing, you go, well, I guess that's not going to be in my comedy show anymore. I know. I mean, that's the greatest thing, though. The greatest thing ever is when you say something that you really feel and other people feel it too.

And it's like, that's what's so great about like the like riffing and stuff when it's like you really pinpoint what the audience is feeling in that moment it's not even prepared but it's like this thing like I think I remember I remember maybe the greatest show of my whole life and it was like this show where literally every comedian that went up before me announced that they had gotten engaged i'm not joking every single comedian's like i just got engaged and so then um so i was like uh like and this is a thing you know i i do desperately desperately want to get engaged it's never going to happen for me. But I like really want to be.

You heard it here. You heard it here, America. I want to be married so bad. I want to be married so bad. It's so stupid. What a goal. But I was like, I just remember. Are you serious you really want to be married?

I think that'd be awesome. Yeah, I just remember like getting on stage, and I had material, but I just kind of threw it out the window and just kept talking about how everyone's engaged. And that was the most I've ever connected to an audience, because I was just listening and kind of just honestly reacting, which is not something that I think you get used to when you're just doing the same material over and over again. Were you mad? Yeah, I was mad.

I don't, I mean, okay, comedians are the worst people on earth. And when you find out that the five people that went ahead of you all got engaged, and they're all comedians, nasty, nasty people. I mean, it really makes you think about how nasty you are. You got to be the nastiest one. Right. Like, they should be unlovable. Yeah.

And if they're unlovable and they got loved, then I'm triple unlovable. Yeah, what the hell's going on here? This is really not a good look. You know, and I keep getting older. You know, that's one of the things. No way. Yeah. No way.

I don't think, you don't age, Joe Firestone. I've been aging. I feel like I feel my aging every day, like by the minute. Literally, like I look at my watch and go, 11 a.m. already? I know. I'm doing this thing.

By the time this airs, it'll already have happened, but it's called Worldwide Comedy Pizza Party, and it's like a virtual show where it's 100% pizza jokes. And I feel like we're kindred spirits about food and pizza to some degree because I know that at your festival in Brooklyn, you got pizza for everyone in the audience. You got like 30 pizzas for everyone. Is that true? So basically, I tried to do that festival. I'd never done a festival before. And I was like... It was called the Firestone Fest. Yeah.

And I just got this empty garage or car wash and just put on a day's worth of shows. But basically, they were like... What? Can you repeat that? Well, they were like, you, like the day of, or like the night before, they were like, you only have 70 ticket sales. You want to cancel. Okay, wow. And I was like, no, I don't want to cancel.

I think that there will be, and I didn't have any like really huge, it wasn't like a huge festival. It was just like this dumb idea that It wasn't like a huge festival. It was just like this dumb idea that kind of got blown out of proportion. But I remember they were like, you should cancel. And I was like, but we can't. And they're like, well, we're not going to do drinks then. And I was like, but we have to do drinks. That's the only reason people will stay all day.

Oh, wow. And so then I was like. Wait, did you say it was at a car wash? It was at a car wash, yeah. Do you think that that had anything to do with the low ticket sales? It's possible. There's a lot of possible reasons. But so then I was like, they were like, okay, so you have to give us a check for $3,500. No.

And if we don't get the ticket sales, then we'll just cash the check. That's the only way it's worth it to us. By the way, this sounds a lot like, this is called the Firestone Fest. I think you should spell it F-Y-R-E. I know, it felt like it. It was a precursor to that.

But so I was like, I don't have $3,500. I didn't have it. And so I wrote the checks knowing I didn't have $3,500. I didn't have it. And so I wrote the checks knowing I didn't have this money, knowing that I would be bounced a check by the end of the day. Oh, my God. And I was like, oh, God, oh, God. And so I did the first event of the day was some of these.

It was at 8 a.m. It was at 8 a.m., and they just drove into the car wash and did an Italian comedy hour and then drove out. And there were only three people there for it. When you say an Italian comedy hour, what do you mean by that? You know, I wish I could tell you more, but I think it was... I mean, it was just like, this is so weird. Nobody's here. It was really, really bad. And I was like, this is going to be a fucking disaster.

I'm going to lose all this money. I'm going to be broke. Like, and so then basically somehow, some way around, like there was two hours, nobody came. Okay. And then at 11 a.m., people started coming. It started at 9 a.m.? Yeah. No, it started at 8 a.m. Okay. And then at 11 a.m., people started coming. It started at 9 a.m.? Yeah. No, it started at 8 a.m.

Okay. And so then it was going to go from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. Okay. This is madness. It was terrible. Nobody, I needed a lot of mentors and I didn't have any. And so I was like, I just started, like I was just like panicked,

but I was like, what can you do? What can you do? And so at 11 a.m., somehow people started showing up. Yeah. And they brought their friends and they brought their friends. And before I knew it, the place was packed.

It's like the old fable rock soup. It was like that soup thing, okay? And so people started coming, and more people came, and everybody was hanging out, and it was like this beautiful thing. My friend was doing tarot cards. She had a list of 20 people ready to do tarot cards. It was like this whole thing, and it blew up, and it was like this amazing thing, and everybody was wasted

because everybody was buying drinks. And there was no food because I didn't think about food. And that's when Marianne and Chris were like, people need food. And so they ordered 30 pizzas. And it was like this huge party. And I couldn't believe it. And then I ended up making $600. So everybody got $7 over Venmo and I was like, okay.

I want to ask you about this special that you made because I love it, which is the cookie special. It's called, it's on Adult Swim. It's on YouTube. It's called Rate the Cookie. And like you have people rating all different cookies outside of a grocery store and they're complete strangers and then the funniest part i hope i'm not giving away too much but i feel like even if you know this going in it's still enjoyable which is you give people

the option at the end of the their cookie ratings to be friends with you jo Joe Firestone, or get $50 cash. And a majority chose the $50 cash. However, a handful of people went with the friendship and you gave them your phone number. I saw it on camera. One of the people called you. I mean, like, I'm just like, at what point with these bits do you have too many friends

i uh i i really you know uh the one guy that i gave my number to he um he called me like one time he called me and he was like what's that when thing coming out? And I was like, it's coming out in a few months. And he's like, okay, okay. And he's like, what's Adult Swim? And I was like, it's part of the Cartoon Network. And he called me and he's going on and on. And then he goes, I got to go. I'm in a deli.

Oh, my God. I was like, okay. I feel like Sacha Baron Cohen is not having these conversations with his fellow actors. That's madness. I mean, yeah, I definitely ended up giving my number away too. I think I probably shouldn't have given my real number. That's a lesson I learned. Stepping away from my conversation with Joe Firestone to send a shout out to trough hot sauce

trough hot sauce is a big part of the berbeglia family we had our first like family outing uh this week for easter it was like an outdoor distanced barbecue chicken on the grill hard boiled easter eggs shrimp cocktail that my my brother Joe does not leave home without, and Truff Hot Sauce right alongside all these foods. Every step of the way, making all the foods taste better. It's a first-of-its-kind luxury hot sauce with a unique blend of real black truffles, red chili peppers, agave nectar, and delicate spices that pairs well with anything, Agave nectar and delicate spices that pairs well with anything. Basically any food.

Truff has been named on Oprah's Favorite Things gifting list two years in a row. It is made locally in Southern California. Right now you can get 15% off site-wide when you use promo code BRBIGS at truff.com. That's T-R-U-F-F dot com. Promo code BRBIGS. And now, back to the show. This is a thing we do in the show called the slow round, which is just like memories and things like that. Do you remember a

smell from childhood? Yeah, yeah. I used to spend a lot of time. I remember I used to chew bubble gum and I think it was strawberry bubble gum. Oh, love it. And then I used to take, you know the Bubblicious wrapper, I don't know if it still does, but I used to say Bubblicious over and over again. Sure, sure. And so I used to stay in the pantry and read it like I was reading

some kind of scroll. What does that mean, some kind of scroll? Is this relatable? I mean, the moment you said bubblegum and then you said strawberry, I can taste it and I can smell it. The taste is like very sugary.

And it could essentially be any flavor. The smell I think is more like almost like a like a light sugar smell. I can't even put my finger on what that smell is. Actually, do you know

I've never put any brands on blast. Yeah. Have you done that with your power? I don't think I have. It's possible. Well, so I'm not trying to put any brands on blast. So one of the best oatmeal flavors of all time, strawberry cream,

they changed their recipe. Oh, huge pet peeve of mine but it tasted like medicine medicine okay they ruined it and i i like i went on reddit and people were putting them on blast so hard wow i called quaker oats i think it's a real so what happened when you called them they hung up on me. Like literally a human being hung up on you? Yeah. I was like, I want to talk to somebody because they changed the recipe.

I don't get what happened. They're like, we're trying to make it more organic. And I was like. Oh my gosh, really? I was like, well, it tastes really bad. It tastes really bad. And they're like, hold on, let me connect you with someone who can help you. And then they hung up on me.

Did you record that? The conversation? Yeah. I didn't think it was going to end so badly. I thought I was going to have a good conversation. I never called Quaker Oats before. And you'd think that they were nice. Since we don't have the audio, I'll just do an act out. I'll be like, hi, this is Quaker Oats.

Hey, Melanie, I wanted to tell you that the oatmeal that I just bought is really bad. Strawberries and cream. What happened? Oh, okay. Well, we're just working on a new organic recipe, and I think that you're going to be a lot happier because it's going to have a lot less preservatives and chemicals. Do you think, Melanie, if I bought a product called

Instant Oatmeal Strawberries and Cream, do you think I'm interested in organics? We at Quaker Oats strive to have you experience the most authentic oatmeal experience. So I'm going to transfer you to the authentic oatmeal department. Connecting. Boop, boop, boop. Done. Hello? This is the authentic department.

Department. Who's this? This is Scott. Scott? Scott? Why? No, we don't have to finish this. We don't have to. I really like Scott.

I was really interested in Scott. I just needed Scott's voice to be different from Melanie's voice. I mean, Scott definitely seemed, I mean, Scott seemed like the kind of guy I'd take a walk with. Are you, in one of your comedy specials recently, you said you were living with someone. Are you still living with someone? Yeah. Yeah, I am. How's that going in the pandemic?

Well, I'm not there right now, but yeah, I was loving it. I was like, I was loving it. I was like, I love spending time with you. I don't feel like we talk enough. I think we should talk more. And he was like, this apartment is too small. I don't want to talk to you anymore. He was at odds with your opinion.

Yeah, but I really was like, this is great. We're so compatible. And he was like, that is actually not true. Right, right. Do you like being with your daughter and wife? I do. I do. I think it's complex because Jen and I, Jen's a poet and she loves solitude. And I'm a comedian.

And I love performing in front of people. And Una's five. And no descriptors. No anything. She's on virtual school every day. And I just think it's very challenging in terms of what, you know, we thrive on is not available to us in this time. We have a dog. And so the dog is like a big, that's a big connector.

But like recently my boyfriend said to me, he's like, I used to- By the way, please don't compare your dog to my child. And my dog is actually six. So that's his personality. Excuse me, Joe Firestone.

I'm going to cut in here and just totally offline. I just want to say, whatever you do in this interview, please do not compare your dog to Mike's child. No, no, no. I get it. I get it. Your daughter is human.

My dog shits outside. There's a few differences, but my dog wears a leash. Yeah, I get it. I get it. Differences. That's literally one of my jokes from the pandemic is that like people with kids and people without kids are having a completely different experience. Like people with kids are like, this is a national emergency.

And people without kids are like, I'm bored. I'm like, I haven't been bored since the 80s. Like enough with your bored talk. Do you have a memory on a loop from your childhood that you just think about sometimes? And it's not even a story. It's just, like, a memory. I really liked, like, putting on plays with my neighbors.

Like, I would get my neighbors to come over and I would make them do plays. I used to do something like that too, yeah. And they were younger. And then I remember like in one week, it was a girl, an older girl and a younger boy. And the older girl walked in on my dad in the bathroom. And then the younger boy got stuck in the garage. And then we didn't really play as much anymore. Wait a minute.

Let's unpack that. Which part is the memory? You're telling me. You used to make these plays, and then one of the kids walked in on your dad in the bathroom, and then another one got stuck in the garage, and then you didn't have plays anymore. That's like a classic Broadway tale.

That's how, you know, that's why Cats closed. I was thinking about Cats the other day. Do you think the actors know what the story is? I was like trying to think so hard about this. It's like... I don't... I think they must have a story

that they, yes, that they work with, yeah. Grace Abella goes out, gives her heart into this performance of the Memory Song. Do you think she knows? Or they're just like, ring it out. Ring it out as hard as you can. I think that if you're in Cats, it's been your dream to perform Cats all your life or perform in a musical on Broadway, let's say. And I think that you find a story within it because you want to, I guess. I think that's the idea.

That helps because I watched the movie, you know, and not when it was free. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you paid for it. I paid for it. And I really was trying my hardest to make sense of it because I was like, you know, there's got to be something here. Yeah. Do you remember a point in your life where you were not authentically yourself? Like growing up, do you have a phase where you're like, oh, my gosh, I was so like pretending to be a thing?

I had a back brace for a while. And I don't know. It's like basically the way it's built is it goes right the way it went right under my boobs and then right like above my vagina. And then it was like there was a little sliver where all the rest of my fat could pop out. Oh my gosh, okay. So it was like kind of like this like sailor's dream of a situation because it was like all of my fat got squeezed out to my genitals and just one side part. It sounds terribly painful.

It was really unattractive. But I remember thinking, I remember I wore a lot of big clothing at that time. Yes. I remember there was, I was just always afraid someone was going to throw something at me because if they threw something at me, it was going to bounce back.

You understand? Okay. Because I was wearing plastic. because if they threw something at me, it was going to bounce back. You understand? Oh, okay. Because I was wearing plastic. And I remember one time someone did throw a penny at me, and it bounced back. And somebody thought, what is going on? Oh, my gosh. So you're telling me that the back brace had an elasticity that allowed it to bounce back solid objects if you threw them at them yeah

it was like firm plastic okay and um and then i was like you were you were like a plastic wall in that part of your body yeah yeah and so then i remember one time someone was like they really they knew something was hard about my body but they didn't know what it was. And I remember one time they were like, they really wanted me to play Red Rover. Okay. Because of my hard body. Are you serious? Like they were taunting you by asking you to play Red Rover with your back brace?

I never get picked first. I never get picked first, but I was picked in the first heat. This is a horror movie, Joe Firestone. And I remember thinking, they just want me because I can stampede through these hands. This is just crazy. This is just crazy. And I remember just thinking, I don't want to be here anymore. I don't like this.

Was there a group in that middle school, high school area where there was a group that you wanted to be a part of that wouldn't let you in? No, I was pretty aware of the fact that I was, that it was, I was, what would you call the word, like dweeby? You know, I was pretty aware of that fact, and so I kind of came to terms with it pretty quickly. You know, and you surround yourself with people that accept dweebs, and that is important to do. But, yeah, I recently came to terms with it again. Because I think in comedy, it does feel like kind of important to be cool.

Yeah. At least, and I just recently came to terms with it again. It took a while and I'm really too old for this, but I recently came to terms with the fact that I'm still dweeb.

Oh, that's fascinating. I think of you as very cool. Dweeb. It's dweeb. Dweeb. Okay. Okay. Yeah.

Do you feel like that? You feel like you should be cool? I think that cool, I actually have a lot of strong feelings about cool being the enemy of comedy. Really? I think the moment that you attempt to be cool as a comedian,

you're actually sacrificing the comedy because the comedy is actually all about being a dweeb and being vulnerable and being, showing youreb and being vulnerable and being showing your flaws and like putting your heart in your sleeve in the moment you're like hey i look cool in this poster whatever the heck like you're kind of like i don't know i don't know what we're doing here well that i remember there was like for the promos for this special they were like okay the fan is going to be blowing.

You need to walk towards the fan as hot as you can. Wow. And I was like, is there any other way to do this? Oh my gosh, no. And they were like, no, you have to do it. Just try to look as hot as possible. No. And I was like, okay.

Okay, I'll try my best. But it really was like, this is not a direction I feel comfortable going in. But if everyone else is going in this direction, I'm like, well, I don't know. It's just not my, I don't know. I wish I had a more concise take on this. Because it's like, for me, one of my favorite comedians is Maria Bamford. And it's like, Maria Bamford never tries to be cool she tries to like tell you like the most absurd thing about herself yeah that is like will essentially like run the risk of making you not like her like i those are the comedians i admire where they're actually running it's a magic trick they're running the risk of the audience

being like i'm out on this person well yeah She just posted a clip I thought was so funny, which was basically like, she's like, yeah, people are always asking me what I'm working on, what's next, what's going on, what projects do I have going on? And this is paraphrasing, but she's like, and I'm done. I don't want to.

Oh, my gosh. She came on this podcast and we, you know, she talked about her mental health issues and suicidal thoughts and all these things that are really deep and vulnerable and i have to say like we've gotten more letters in a positive sense about that episode than i think almost anyone because people because what we were talking about earlier people who relate and they feel seen by you opening up as a comedian and saying a thing that's vulnerable about yourself, that's where it's at. And then there's going to be a ton of internet stuff.

Whenever you do that, there's a ton of internet stuff where people are like, I hate this person. I think that they have faults. And you're like, no, no, I know. That's the whole thing. They just told you what their faults were. Right. They're like, they have flaws. And you're like, no, no, the whole thing is flaws.

They're humorous observations about their own flaws. Right. And you think you discovered that? You think you're like the comedy detective? Like, I've cracked the case of the comedian who has flaws. Yeah. No, it does feel like this thing where you, like, it's almost like the trick has succeeded if they think they discovered it. Yeah.

I think, sure. I think that's true. It's almost, it's worked too well. Mm-hmm. Because I think ultimately the greatest version of comedy is when you see someone like Tig talking about having cancer or Bamford talking about struggling with mental health and you just feel like – or you talking about underpants that are – I forgot what the term was. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Underpants being tainted in some way. Yeah, tainted.

Yes. But that's the moment where you go, oh, thank God that's not just me. Mm-hmm. Yeah. For me, it's the process of having that experience and laughing at the same time. For me, that's A is it's the process of having that experience and laughing at the same time for me that's that's a plus yeah that's what i'm into yeah yeah it is it i it

does feel like you have to convey it in a way that doesn't seem vulnerable for you like i think that's the thing that's like that dumb equation tragedy plus you whatever. But it's like... Comedy is tragedy plus time. Yeah, yeah, that one, that mathematical quadratic. But it does this thing where you have to feel, you have to convey that you're comfortable with it. Yeah, Seth and I, my director and I dealt with that when I did Sleepwalk with me, where I sleepwalked through a second story window

and I have to sort of get the audience comfortable with the idea that I'm okay now kind of thing, which, you know, we aren't always okay now. Stepping away from my conversation with Joe Firestone to send a shout out to a new sponsor, Green Chef. I don't know about you. One thing I've been trying to do during the pandemic is eat healthier. It's working pretty well, but it's definitely assisted by Green Chef, which is a new kind of meal kit company. People call it

the number one meal kit for eating well. They have meals for keto and paleo diets, balanced living, vegetarian options. It is the first USDA-certified organic meal kit company. They send clean ingredients that you can trust that are in season. They're pre-measured, perfectly portioned, mostly prepped. You don't have to spend a lot of time doing it. Try it out. Go to greenchef.com slash 90berbigs. The number 90. Use the code number 90berbigs to get 90 bucks off, including free shipping.

That's greenchef.com slash 90berbigs. And now, back to the show. and now back to the show can i run some jokes from the for the pizza party by you yeah okay pizza is so good that in the restaurant universe it gets its own category like you guys want to order thai you guys want to order Thai? You guys want to order Chinese? You guys want to order pizza? It's a country of food. I feel like someday I want to purchase an island and write up a constitution and that will be the People's Republic of Pizza. And the constitution will be like Article 1, Section 1, all pizza will be consumed on the day it was cooked. The remaining pizza will be shot out of a cannon onto a neighboring pizza island called Leftovers. Article 2, most meals and pizza will be pizza, but occasionally residents may visit the neighboring island of Chinese,

which has no relation to the People's Republic of China, but does serve Chinese food, the kind of Chinese food they sell at the mall. Article three, you do not have to read this constitution. Article four, no pineapples. Article five, there shall be no statues except one of Mike Birbiglia doing the Italian stereotype chef's kiss pose. And when you press the butt on the statue, there shall be a talking device with Mike's voice saying, I'm going to get the pizza for everybody. So that's a joke called the People's Republic of Pizza. It's gorgeous. It's gorgeous.

It takes you away. It takes you away to a different place. It's gorgeous. It's gorgeous. It takes you away. It takes you away to a different place. It's so stupid. I want, you know, my goal is after I do

my show The Old Man in the Pool, I actually want to do a full show, a full special about pizza. Yeah. I want all pizza jokes.

I want to go back to my childhood pizza restaurants. Like, I'm all about it. I want to go back to my childhood pizza restaurants. Like, I'm all about it. I get made fun of a lot because I eat pizza in a way that I don't think is not really well received, but actually should be instated. Okay. I eat the crust first to get it over with. Oh, my gosh.

Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. There will be a five-minute intermission. You eat the crust first. What kind of monster are you? You shall be ostracized. Come on, let me back in. Let me back in the Republic.

We are expelling you from the People's Republic of Pizza. No, no, come on, come on. I'm putting that in the Constitution. No, come on, let me back in. I'm not a threat. I'm not a threat. I swear. Listen, I just... I'm putting that in the Constitution. No, come on. Let me back in. I'm not a threat. I'm not a threat. I swear. Listen, I just...

I'm not a threat. Okay, crust is, number one, bad. We know that. Right. We know that. Unless they give you some kind of Papa John's dipping sauce, there's no point in eating it. Right.

No, I get it. That's why you have to eat it first. It's the punishment. You have to pay the price. That is shocking. You want to cross the bridge, you got to pay the troll. This is one of the more vulnerable jokes that either you or I have ever written

because it is revealing something so profound. You need to be punished to eat pizza? You just have to suffer through the bread. And I know, I know, I know. A lot of people don't like this. They have this new thing they've been advertising on television that's just a pizza bowl.

That's just cheese and sauce. Pizza should be as wet as possible. Any kind of dryness needs to be gotten over with as fast as possible. That's why actually pizza should be cut in squares. Oh my God. And that's wrong too. Everything you're saying, Joe, is wrong. Square pizza.

When this episode comes out, I'm going to create an online persona who hates you and hates all of your opinions about pizza. I'm coming after you on Reddit. I'm coming after you on Reddit. I'm coming after you on Twitter. Be prepared. Come on. It's cool. It's cool. A lot of people see eye to eye with me.

You want a sweet crust. I mean, a sweet sauce. And then you want as little crust as possible. I find this line of discussion to be so deeply offensive. And do you know what actually is good? To everything that I've worked for and believed in all my life. And a lot of people shit on it, but actually as good as Pizza Hut because it's got a buttered crust.

You understand? Joe, everything that you say, everything you're saying about pizza is like so antithetical. I'm actually not wrong. I'm actually not wrong. I'm actually not wrong. People say, oh, I want like a crispy crust. I want thin crust. You want as much, a thicker crust if possible.

Deep dish is great. But you basically, oh my God, I just had a remember, I mean memory. Okay, so I was. No, it's also known as a remember. I gotta go. Okay, so... So I remember in kindergarten... To the listeners at home, Joe Firestone just had a remember.

So go ahead with your remember. I can't believe I'm on here. Okay. So listen, I was in kindergarten and I remember this guy, Jeff, he invited me over for pizza at his house. Okay. Okay. So I go over to pizza at his house and I start to eat the pizza and Jeff, another kindergartner, he goes, at our house, we eat it with a fork and knife. Oh, yes. And I got really upset because I thought, what? Yes, that is upsetting. And then he said, I'm just kidding. Oh, wow. He punked me. He pranked you. He punked you. Wow. I remember thinking, this is bad. But I never really got into that. I love eating

it with my hands. Yes, me too. And I do find that when you do eat crust first, for those who are open-minded and, you know, what you need to do, you eat the crust first and then you need to hold it, you know, like a Fabergé egg, right? You need to hold it with the bottom

so you don't get messy. Okay. Right? And then you eat it. I mean, almost the best bite, and you know this is true, the best bite of the pizza is the tip, right? I believe that's true. Yeah, and then you eat it. I mean, almost the best bite, and you know this is true, the best bite of the pizza is the tip, right? I believe that's true.

Yeah, so why not? Well, there we have common ground. Yeah, exactly. So you're trying so hard to savor that tip. Why is it that the tip is so good in pizza? It's like... It's perfect. Okay, so it's triangle it's like it's perfect and you know it's it's okay so it's triangle for starters yeah which is nice and so sometimes sometimes it's square think about that

sometimes it's square but generally generally it's a triangle but like okay so let's compare it to a bite of something else if you eat a bite of a sandwich you're essentially eating a mouthful of what what that sandwich is but if you're eating like a tip of pizza you're actually not eating a mouthful of pizza you're eating a triangle of a mouthful of pizza so it's like a fraction of a mouthful of pizza. So it's like a fraction of a mouthful? Yeah. Mm-hmm. And I think that that factors in to why the experience is so good. I also think, what are we doing with the, why are we eating it with the crust facing

our tongue? It should be flipped the other way around. Can you say that again? I think you should put the cheese face down on your tongue. Why are we lifting it up? You don't... Do you understand? We're doing it wrong.

So flip the pizza over and eat the slice upside down? Yeah. But then what holds it up? Because you're holding it... Then you'd have to touch the cheese. Yeah. But then what holds it up? Because you're holding it.

Then you'd have to touch the cheese. Yeah. Did I just dispel your theory with one slight criticism? But tell me that's not a good idea. Tell me that's not a good idea. Flip it around. No, I think that's a good idea. I think that you're on to something with a pizza restaurant called Pizza Tips. I'm into it.

And it's all the tips of pizzas. You're just eating that first bite of pizza over and over again. I got to tell you something. Maybe I'm getting greedy with that idea. No, no, you're not getting greedy. You're an entrepreneur. I'll throw two more pizza jokes by you, and then we'll see if you have any jokes lined up for me.

I have a personal issue with chicken parmesan because I feel like they stole pizza's recipe and placed it on a chicken. They're like, hey, chicken, get over here. We're going to dress you up in a pizza. I mean, and then the gall, and then the gall of these pizzerias, some of them to sell chicken Parmesan pizza.

It's like robbing a bank and then showing up the next day and saying, I'd like to open an account. Okay, so listen, I mean, with this joke, you're saying that sauce and cheese copyrighted yeah i i feel that way yeah i mean i understand what you're saying with that one i understand i think you're gonna

i think people are gonna be pissed at that one oh you think that's gonna be controversial yeah okay i understand what you're saying so then i have a i love brick oven i love brick oven pizza i'm out i'm out hold on you're not gonna hear the joke okay i mean yeah i guess already the premise i'm i'm not listening but okay you have brick i love i love brick oven pizza maybe i just love the taste of bricks. Maybe it's that mixture of clay and water that just works. Or maybe you could bake three perfect ingredients on anything and it would work. You could do pavement pizza.

You know, we cook it on a dirty pavement. Sometimes there's dog urine in the pavement, and it actually adds a nice kick. Some people prefer it. I got to tell you this. I got to tell you this, because that joke reminded me. So I used to work at a pizza place called Racanel's. Oh, really? Oh, this is huge. And I would take the orders, and then I would also like the chicken wings, calzones, that kind of thing. I never made the pizzas. Okay. Okay.

But what it was called the food with a New York attitude, I think was the slogan. Basically, it was New York style pizza. Okay. It was kind of like you're supposed to be kind of slappy. Slappy? What is the word I'm looking for? Sassy? Sassy, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Ed DeBevics in Chicago or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so sometimes when we would deliver pizzas, if the people didn't tip, you would write a note in their account just being like, someone would write a note. Whoever delivered the pizza would write a note being like, this cunt didn't tip. Oh, my God. Okay?

Oh, my God. But the way the computer system worked is that it printed out all the information on the ticket. And so that would show up on the ticket that we taped to the pizza box. So then whenever I would print out, I'd take the orders, I'd print out the receipts, and then it would just say these nasty things about these people. Like, this asshole is full of shit. Oh, my God.

This bitch doesn't deserve any pizza. Like, these things, nasty things my God. Nasty things. And the people, the assholes and the bitches would get the ticket that said that. Yeah. And it would be on their pizza. It was standard to tape the order onto the pizza so people knew what it was. Did you ever hear back from a customer who was like, hey, I don't know if you meant to say this, but. No, I never heard back from any of them.

I think they were scared of our New York attitude. Stepping away from my conversation with Joe Firestone to send a shout out to our old friends, Sam Adams. They were our first sponsor and they're doing an amazing thing. Obviously so many industries devastated by COVID-19 closures, but perhaps none as severely as the restaurant industry. So Sam Adams teamed up with the nonprofit Greg Hale Foundation.

They created the Restaurant Strong Fund to support restaurant workers. Sam Adams has launched this fund to support these workers and kick-started fundraising efforts across the country, but they need your help. The restaurant community is struggling, and you can help them by donating to the Restaurant Strong Fund at SamuelAdams.com. As of the first week in April, the fund has raised more than $7 million, awarded almost 8,000 grants to restaurants and their employees to donate to the Restaurant Strong Fund in support of these restaurant industry workers. Please visit SamuelAdams.com. And now, back to the show.

Do you have any bits that you're working on that you want to run by me? Well, yeah, I was working on this one. Okay, so basically, I was thinking about, so I was 27 when I found out the stereotype Jewish girls don't give blowjobs.

Oh. Okay, so that's a decade of blowjobs i could have gotten out of due to stereotypes that's a good so i was just trying to figure out like if you just keep going it's like why isn't there any communication between you know or like they should say this in temple, you know, just like a little. Oh my gosh, that's so funny. Just something. You have to be aware. It's so funny because I think about that all the time with, you know,

different, you know, people, sometimes comics who are Jewish tell jokes about being Jewish or people who are Italian tell jokes about being Italian, et cetera. And I always think about like, like which of those jokes feel like inside baseball of being Jewish or Italian, et cetera, and which ones don't, which ones feel inclusive. And I feel like yours feels inclusive because I feel like we're immediately on board with what the premise is. And then everything after that is sort of gravy. is sort of gravy.

Well, I just, I mean, it is this kind of thing where, like, I feel like there are, like, there's, like, well-known stereotypes, but then there's also, like, little-known stereotypes. Yes, that's true. How do you find out about these ones? You know, like, are there... Yeah, because I didn't even know the one that you just said, so I was like, huh, I guess I've never heard that.

I never came across that. I was told by another Jewish woman that, they're like, we don't get blowjobs. But I like the idea of your building out that in some ways that's a great incentive to go to Temple. Like if they

told me like, hey, we noticed Joe Firestone, you weren't coming to Temple. Well, here's something you should know about the new shoot, the new Temple. We give you tips on blowjobs for example we point out that you maybe are giving too many blowjobs and no more actually you're off the hook from now on it's actually awesome what you've really it's a gift we've given you yeah so maybe it'd be like

something like um and i told this to my boyfriend boyfriend, and now he's been saying a lot of anti-Semitic slurs lately. And I don't know why, because he used to be so open to my religion and culture, and now he's really closed off. I find it very hurtful. Yeah, now he's a hundred percent hateful interesting oh my gosh um do you have any other jokes you're working on I just remembered I had one other thing and I don't know if this is real this is connect as connecting at all but but so I've been having these um like anxiety like uh heightened anxiety attacks or whatever and so basically what I try to do is just like think about like I'm just uh like I'll like if I wash my hands up like I am touching water now I am holding the soap now I'm

like washing the soap off and now I'm touching the towel and just kind of like narrating what I'm doing is like so boring. But then I, so like basically I just like, I'm trying to focus on that. And then I looked, accidentally looked in the mirror and it was so bad. Have you ever seen yourself during a moment of pure anxiety? Oh my gosh, that's a good point. No, no, I don't think I, or if I did, I don't remember. It is, you see death, you see the death. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh.

It is so dark. It really is like you just see what you will look like in depth. I try to avoid the mirror generally. I always find the mirror to be far too big, no matter what size it is. Even if it's a teeny mirror, I'm like, oh, that's too big. Maybe that's a joke. I think so. I think, that's too big. Maybe that's a joke. I think so. I think all mirrors are too big. Yeah, yeah.

All mirrors are too big. It's true. It's true. Are you ever like look in the mirror and you're like, nice? No. No. You're never like that. But yet you keep looking at the mirror.

But I rarely – that's why I always end up people going like, hey, you got food on your face because I don't look at the mirror that much. Like, hey, man, you got cheese on your cheek. I'm like, oh, shit. Sorry about that. I didn't look in the mirror. Yeah, sometimes I get food in my hair. And then I –

Yeah, I've had the food in the hair. Yeah. yeah i i've had the food in the hair yeah you know i'll close on this because because i know you and your father are a big fan of puns you have a book about puns um i'm a fierce i'm a fierce advocate of puns when they're done well but i understand why people groan when they're terrible. But I have a pun joke, which is I love pizza so much I get excited when I see the word plaza. I'm like, oh, oh, you know. And because the word pizza is exciting. Like it has pizza in it.

It's got the two Zs. Each have two slices. It's got the A. That's a slice. It's five slices in one word, which is a little used literary term I invented called onomatopizza. Can you say it? There you go. And that, my friends, is your personal pun pizza. Oh, my God.

Get out of this interview. I got to go. It's time for you to go. I'm sorry, Joe Firestone. It's time for you to leave. We end with a segment called Working It Out for a Cause. And is there an organization, a nonprofit that you think is doing a great job? And we will donate to them and link them in the show notes.

Yeah, I wanted to donate to Womankind. It's an organization based in New York. And it's to help people who are survivors of trauma. And it's a help center. And they have shelters. And they have, what else do they have? They have like emergency residences and it's like they have, the call centers have, they speak 20 different Asian languages.

Wow. So I think it's primarily for Asian women and like who are in abusive situations and then they can call and get help. But it's also like, yeah, there's a lot of, it seems like the domestic abuse is going up with the quarantine. So it seems like a good organization to donate to. That's fantastic.

So I'm going to donate to them. I'm going to link to them in the show notes because it sounds like a tremendous organization. And I want to thank you, Joe Firestone, for joining me on Working Out and Working Out Real Jokes. Thank you for having me. And I really, I hope you enjoy your personal pizza. And I expect to see that on a special. Oh, my God. That's going to do it for another episode of Working It Out. How about that Jo Firestone?

She is a riot. You can follow her on Instagram at yoyofirestone. Look out for everything she's doing. She makes short films. She works on TV shows. She makes specials. She's a riot. I can't wait to see what she does next.

The producers of Working It Out are myself, along with Peter Salamone and Joseph Birbiglia. Consulting producer, Seth Barish. Sound mix by Kate Balinski. Associate producer, Mabel Lewis. Special thanks to Mike Insiglieri, Mike Berkowitz, as well as Marissa Hurwitz and Josh Upfall. Special thanks, as always, to Jack Antonoff and Bleachers for their music, and of course, my wife, the poet, Jay Hopestein. Our book, the new one, it's almost a year old. Our little baby book.

Our little baby book is almost a year old. And it's at your local bookstore. As always, a special thanks to my daughter, Una, who created this little radio fort made of intricate pillows. Thanks most of all to you who have listened. Tell your friends. Inform your enemies. We're working it out.

See you next time, everybody.