Mind Pump: Raw Fitness Truth - 2092: How to Cultivate Amazing Relationships With Adam Lane Smith

Episode Date: June 8, 2023

In this episode Sal, Adam & Justin speak with Adam Lane Smith, a licensed psychotherapist and highly sought-after relationship expert. Why he does what he does today. (4:45) What is Attachment Theory and how can it affect you as an adult? (5:59) Cooperating in conflict. (11:14) Breaking down the 4 Styles of Attachment. (14:09) Why are the women the first to ask for a divorce? (19:55) Old knowledge that has been lost. (23:36) Why men need to feel powerful. (28:06) Understanding the order of operations with your partner. (32:12) Which attachments attract each other? (35:41) Marriage glue. (41:05) The four pieces of relationship security. (44:32) The murkiness with the division of labor. (49:56) The poor messaging to young men. (54:47) Why women are in a no-win circumstance right now. (58:57) Why kids are so anxious and depressed. (1:01:43) The ramifications of too much access to pornography. (1:04:05) Why a booty call does not turn into a marriage. (1:06:48) The biggest challenges with modern life. (1:10:13) Why we are more like chimps than bonobos. (1:11:52) His thoughts on dating apps. (1:15:44) The four characteristics of a good father. (1:25:03) How most parents do not have a relationship with their kids, they manage them. (1:28:40) Tactical rituals to be a better father. (1:31:09) Why phones are one of the BIGGEST killers of sex. (1:37:05) The role of the father during pregnancy. (1:41:00) Why women with attachment issues have issues breastfeeding. (1:45:40) The importance of leading your partner into healthier attachment. (1:48:10) Run your marriage like a business and it will thrive. (1:49:55) Why homeschool? (1:53:57) The value in having oxytocin bonding routinely with your partner.(1:56:22) The pros and cons of psychedelics. (2:00:37) Related Links/Products Mentioned Visit The Attachment Bootcamp for an exclusive offer for Mind Pump listeners! **Promo code MIND at checkout for 50% off** Visit Legion Athletics for the exclusive offer for Mind Pump listeners! **Code MINDPUMP at checkout for 20% off** June Promotion: MAPS Cardio or Summer Shredded Bundle or the Bikini Bundle 50% off! **Code JUNE50 at checkout** Exhausted Wives, Bewildered Husbands: Why your marriage is hurting, and how to blossom as a couple - Book by Adam Lane Smith Is 'Opting Out' The New American Dream For Working Women? Vasopressin - Hormone | Everyday Health Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships Frans de Waal | Speaker | TED Different: Gender Through the Eyes of a Primatologist – Book by Frans de Waal Mind Pump Podcast – YouTube Mind Pump Free Resources Featured Guest/People Mentioned Adam | Relationship Psychology (@attachmentadam) Instagram Jordan Peterson (@jordan.b.peterson) Instagram  

If you want to pump your body and expand your mind, there's only one place to go. Mind, hop, mind, hop with your hosts. Salda Stefano, Adam Schaefer, and Justin Andrews. You just found the world's number one fitness health and entertainment podcast. This is Mind Pup, right? Today's episode is a special one. So a while ago, I found somebody on Instagram called Attachment Adam. His name is Adam Lane Smith. He's an attachment expert. He's a psychotherapist.

And he had a small page, but the stuff he was saying was like, super profound. Actually had some great impacts on me and my relationship with my wife and my kids. And anyway, fast forward a few weeks. And Adam sends me a link and says, have you heard of this guy? He's got great stuff and it was the same guy. Adam Lane Smith. So we got him on the show. Now he is a licensed psychotherapist. He's like a force in the field

of personal development and relationships. He's exploding. He's highly sought after attachment specialist. So that's his specialty. He's also a personal coach. And he's worked with all kinds of people. He's been doing this for specialists. So that's his specialty. He's also a personal coach. And he's worked with all kinds of people. He's been doing this for years and years and years. He's worked with blue collar individuals,

high powered executives. He helps people with parenting. He helps people with marriage. He's gotten people out of the brinks of divorce. He helps people build really strong relationships. Also helps people date. So find the kind of people want to be with and then be the kind of person that you want to be with His stuff is incredible. You're gonna love this episode the way he communicates and how he communicates is quite profound Like I said, we found him first and we wanted him badly on the show and he was very nice

To fly out here to San Jose to come on the show and he was very nice to fly out here to San Jose to come on the show. So we know you're going to love this episode, especially if you want to become a better person, a better parent, and a better partner. Now, he has a course that's called the attachment bootcamp. He actually gave us access to it and I've been going through it and it's pretty amazing. It's profound. So we talked him into giving us us a discount for our listeners.

It's a bootcamp course. In the course, he talks about attachment issues. There's four attachment types. You can help identify which one is you. Help unearth deep-seated behaviors and patterns that might damage people. It'll help you repel toxic people. Find the kind of people that you want to be around, how to attract loving friends and partners and create trusting bonds, how to build relationships

based on mutual fulfillment, you know, also help you build confidence, stop worrying about what other people think about you. So it's a great course. And you can actually enroll if you go to mpadamsmith.com and then use our code. You'll get 50% off. So again, we talked them into doing this. So if you go to mpadamsmith.com, use the code mind and get 50% off. And again, you can find this guy on Instagram, attachment Adam. So attachment Adam is, we'll find him. And again, his name is Adam Lane Smith. We know you're going to love this episode. Again, this episode is brought to you by a sponsor.

Legion is a supplement company that we love. They make high performance supplement for people looking to build muscle or burn body fat. And if you go through our link, you'll get yourself a discount. So go to buy legion.com forward slash mind pump, use the code mind pump and get 20% off. Also we're running a sale on some workout programs. Maps cardio is 50% off and then we have two bundles that are 50% off. The shredded summer bundle, half off and the bikini bundle, half off. So if you're interested in any of those, go to mapsfitinistproducts.com and then use the

code June 50 for the 50% off discount. All right, here we are talking to Adam Lane Smith, attachment Adam. So we have guests on our show sometimes because they were recommended by other people, they have large networks and maybe it'll help us reach more people. And then we have guests that, and I'm not saying we don't always want to talk to the people we talk to, we always want to talk to people we have on the show. We're pretty picky. But there's those guests where it's like selfishly, like we want to ask this person questions and talk with them. You're one of those people. So I found you a while ago. I don't remember how I found you, but I found you,

and I started listening to your stuff, and I started sending your stuff to my wife, and then I told my wife, let's get, and we might have either signed up or about to sign up for one of your courses. I'm like, this guy is amazing. Didn't say anything to the guys. It was just a personal thing. Then Adam, at one point, sends me one of your clips and he goes, hey, what do you think this guy?

I think we should get him on. I'm like, probably the only guy for a while. Absolutely. So that's what we have you on, dude. I'm so glad you've got here. I've been looking forward to this. Really great stuff. I want to ask you first about,

I love everything you have to say about, I mean, most things, but I want to know what got you into your line of work. Like, why do you do what you do today? I grew up in a extended family system that was just so broken. We hadn't had successful marriages, loving marriages and families in generations.

I grew up in that and I knew something wasn't right, right? When kids grow up in that, we know something doesn't feel right, but we don't know what it is, because we think it's also normal at the same time. We don't know alternatives. I knew something wasn't right, and all my friends and family around me,

I grew up not far from here in California. Everybody else, same problem, same mistake, same loneliness, terrible loneliness. And I said, I want to do something about this. I fixed it in me. I somehow fumbled around, messed up a million times, fixed it in me, and I built better relationships. And I said, what the heck did I just do? Well, I had no idea.

What were some of the first places you went to try to get information of everywhere? Fitness, trying to learn fitness, martial arts, trying to learn how to get more popular with girls back when I was in my early, it was like 21 years old, alcohol, then drugs, and everything else that normal young people get into, just the worst stupidest things that we think will make us feel better, numb the pain or make us look smarter, everything.

Wow, awesome. All right, so I want to start out by talking about attachment theory and how that applies to, I mean, most of not all of us, because this is, I just started diving into this about maybe a year and a half ago, and it helped me figure myself out, understand my wife, and then my kids and how, you know, this may influence how they are in their lives. Let's start out with that, because that's fascinating. It is fascinating.

Most people have no idea. So when I got my master's degree in psychology, when I went in there, I said, I'm going to be a therapist. I'm going to help people, right? I'm going to rescue people in the world and save them. And I looked through six years to get a master's degree, and they told us about attachment theory one time. Here's what they told us.

There's attachment theory in this book. You don't need to learn about it because there's no diagnoses for that for adults. You only need to learn attachment theory if you're gonna study with little tiny children. Apart from that, it's gonna be personality disorders which are almost impossible to fix. Don't worry about attachment. It doesn't matter. Just learn the diagnoses in the book. And as I have gone around the United States, Canada, Europe, as I've talked to other professionals, I've trained I've led seminars to train other healthcare professionals because as the therapist for years, that was the same message that most clinicians end up hearing. So when you go to your therapist,

they've never heard about attachment theory or it's shoved off in a corner and then they come to you and you go to them and you get a diagnosis. Why? Because number one, you can't medicate attachment. Number two, insurance won't cover attachment and number three, people can't medicate attachment. Number two, insurance won't cover attachment. And number three, people think it's childhood stuff. The average guy on the street, if I say, hey, your childhood is affecting your relationships right now.

Let's talk about that. You're gonna say, no, get out of here. Like, my relationships are good. We're solid. The average guy on the street doesn't want to talk about how his childhood is probably still messing with him. So, no one talks about attachment. It's barely making a comeback,

but we have to talk about that. So Adam, I want to... What is it? Like, can you explain exactly? Absolutely, yeah. And like with the origin? 100%. So back in the 1950s, I believe, a bull be created this theory that said,

look, when you are a little kid, you have needs, right? You don't have kids. You don't have kids, right? When you're a little child, you have needs, you cannot meet. You need to feel safe, and you can't make kids, right? When you're a little child, you have needs, you cannot meet, you need to feel safe and you can't make yourself feel safe, and you need to feel loved and you cannot make yourself feel loved.

Your parent's job is to give you those things and put a tiny price tag on them that is just to be loving and return. That's it. It's supposed to be a reciprocal relationship of, I love you, you love me, right? The Barney song is coming to mind. And we're going to build this relationship together and we will take care of each other as you grow. I will teach you. I will be there with you. That would be what's called secure attachment

if your parents teach you that. Most of us in modern world, our parents didn't know how to teach us that. So instead, they screwed up and they put a price tag on it, a bigger price tag, or they push us off in the corner where our needs aren't met, or they make it so that we are afraid to come to them. Some parents are just gone all the time and they still doesn't know that they can ask them.

Some kids have trauma. There's so many issues that can lead to you saying, I don't deserve to get my needs met, or nobody is going to take care of me. Nobody has time. Or there's something wrong with other people that they're going to yell at me or they're going to hurt me. I have to take care of my own needs. From the age of two and on up, for the rest of my life, I have to take care of my own

needs. And that's attachment theory and a nutshell is you can't do that. You know what's it? Okay, so here's what I find interesting about how modern maybe what they teach is like, this isn't that important just for kids. You're, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty confident in this. Your brain is extremely plastic when you're an infant, a toddler, a child, teenager. And at some point, you lose quite a bit of the plasticity.

It really, easy example is your ability to learn languages. If you learn five different languages as a five-year-old, you speak them all fluently. You learn five languages. When you're 30. You got an accent and all of them, except for your primary language, because you lose some of that plasticity. So the attachment theory,

part of the reason why this affects you as an adult is there are kind of permanent connections that are created as a child that you can't necessarily get rid of, but you can understand and work around when you're an adult. But if you don't acknowledge them, then you're just going to live in this automatic cycle. Am I, am I, hitting it? Very much so.

Very much so. It is, interestingly, through my work, what I have found working with hundreds and hundreds of people, it is fixable, not that you will never, ever have insecurities again. But the part of the brain that says this is an absolute fact that either I don't deserve love or other people will hurt me if they get a chance, right, to different types of attachment that can break. If you challenge that, most people never even think about it because it's, you know, water is wet, gravity pulls things down, and I'm an unlovable piece of crap that's people don't challenge the laws of the universe.

So when you challenge them, first of all, you start realizing there's a different way to live. It's amazing, it's mind blowing. When you start testing it with other human beings, and if they respond well to you, it starts rewriting parts of your brain, but your nervous system always remembers that it's terrifying to get your needs met or ask for your needs.

You will have anxiety spikes, you will have nervous system spikes, those will decrease over time. But yes, you can become more secure over time. Takes a lot of work and you have to have loving people around you. There's different attachment types, right? They're absolutely yes.

Okay, I don't understand. And attachment too, yes. So in your book, Slang Fear, you do a really good job of giving the reader these examples that are not, you know, quote unquote, real examples, but they're pretty much real scenarios. And the thing that blows me away is that I think a lot of parents overlook

is how simple some of the things that we do can really make these huge impacts. So give the audience, it's listening to some examples of like behaviors that we do in response, and then how the child interprets this, that reaction to the parents. So, absolutely. So, I have four kids myself, my oldest is six.

And at the end of a day, he does not want to go to bed. And at the end of a day, I'm tired. He gets to a point where he might build up and have a tantrum. Kids do this, right? I could yell at him and say, get your damn bed. I'm tired of talking to you. I'm sick of it.

We're not doing this anymore. We're done. Get in there or it's, or it's, yeah, whatever punishment might be. Probably happens all the time. 100% and so many parents do this because you're exhausted. You don't mean to and you feel like crap afterward

but you're just exhausted by the end of it. You say go to bed, please. I can do that. But instead what I do is this. I take a breath and I sit down and say, all right, buddy, we're a family. I want to work with you, right? I need you to go to bed, because I'm really tired too.

Can you hear in my voice how frustrated I am? Yeah, dude, okay. I'm sure you're probably frustrated too, man. But let's take care of each other, right? What do you need to be able to go to bed tonight, right? Do you need to make sure that we're gonna get time tomorrow in the morning? Are you worried that we're not gonna have time tomorrow?

Are you worried that something bad's gonna happen to you? Where are you at right now? I don't just don't wanna sleep, okay. I need you to, or I'm gonna get more frustrated and bad's gonna happen to you? Where are you at right now? I don't just don't want to sleep. Okay, I need you to. Or I'm going to get more frustrated and that's going to hurt our relationship. And then I don't want to hurt our relationship. So let's take care of each other. In the morning, I will spend time with you. So let's look forward to that. And we're going to take care of each other. Okay, dad. I don't know. We give a high, you know, kiss him on the front of the forehead. He will go to sleep at that point. It is cooperating. Cooperating during a conflict, conflict.

Every human relationship has conflict. Conflict is an opportunity to trust other human beings, or it's an opportunity to grow apart from other human beings. Every time you have conflict with your kids, it's a chance to show them you love them, and how to get their needs met from you in return, or to show them that nobody cares about their needs so they have to figure it out on their own.

All right, so let's back up for a second. So the first example you gave, by the way, most of us were raised that way. So a lot of us think, not only we don't mean to, but this is the right way to do it. Absolutely. What that could potentially show your kid,

because what children do, and this I learned from attachment theory, is everything's internalized, everything's their fault. And so the only way dad likes me, let's say, is I'm obedient. So in order for me to get love, I have to earn it through being obedient.

And that can become a big problem as an adult where maybe you're a people pleaser or maybe you can't say no or because this is kind of ingrained in you. Now what you did is you actually let your kid kind of understand you and then you listen to him and now it's kind of working together. So let's back up for a second and talk about the attachment. There's like four of them or they're four styles four styles of attachment. Let's talk about those and what causes those and let's understand those first so we can keep going. 100%.

I'm going to streamline this. There's a few different style discussions out there. So here's the one that I use. Secure is where you know people are going to work with you most of the time. Inconflict, you can cooperate. When a conflict hits, you're calm, you handle it, you talk with the other person, you solve it together, right? That's secure attachment. You get in a marriage, you can talk to your wife and say, hey, I need this. You know, can you do this for me? And what do you need in return? How can we take care of you? It's the guys that can just ask their wife point blank. Hey, do you want to go to the bedroom for a while? Those guys, right?

Most guys are terrified to do that. They have to play games, right? Chor play, they call it. Do the chores. It shall love you so much. Chor play. Chor play. Chor play.

Chor play. Chor play. Chor play. Chor play. Chor play. Chor play. Chor play. Chor play. Chor play. Chor play. Chor play. Chor play. I put that toe belt on with no shoot off. I'm the guy's fix to get her like nine times last month.

I'm not that pristine right now. That's most guys when they're in a relationship, they don't know that they can just go to the woman in their life and say, hey, here's what I would like from you. Can we do this together and share this experience? They think they have to play games to try and negotiate it out of her, right? That's not secure attachments.

Insecure attachment, three styles is a break. You can either break in a direction that says, I am the problem, right? When you're a little child, like you perfect, like you said, everything turns inward. I caused this somehow. So I have to figure out what is wrong with me that causes problems that people finally get enough

of me and will abandon me. Fear of abandonment, and I'm the problem, anxious attachment style. Everybody else is the problem, and everybody else is crazy, and I gotta manage them. Still a people pleaser, but not a banditman. It's like, well, these crazy monkeys out here,

everybody's a monkey, they're all screaming, and they're all gonna bite me, so I gotta keep my arms length avoidance style. Or you can sometimes, if your trauma's bad enough, you can combine the two. I'm something's wrong with me, but also something's wrong with other people. I will keep them out,

but if they get into close, I reverse and I become terrified of abandonment. It's, it can break in a number of ways, but that's, that's really the biggest piece of them. Or more, more common than others, or is it kind of split? Women tend to be more anxious than men, but we excuse it women. Oh, she's just insecure. Guys who have anxious attachment style, we call them nice guys, nice guy syndrome. That's nice guy syndrome. More likely to have a woman with that, but guys get it to avoid men are more likely to get, but we excuse it and men. Oh, he's a workaholic. He's just always gone. He's just so focused on his mission. He's just he has to have that attitude. That's avoidant. Keep everybody else out and hold yourself up. Women who have this are usually the ones who are just, you see all over the bad stories all over the internet of a woman just like,

hump and dump and all kinds of different guys, she's bragging about how she's never had an orgasm with anybody and she doesn't need to. Like those are usually the very avoidant women or the ones that you can't stand when she's your boss. That's more of an avoidant woman too. So interestingly, yeah, they both stand out more when the opposite sex is.

Which one, which one is the one where it's like, I don't ask for help. I'll handle it myself. I don't want to be a burden. I'm going to just do my, is that the avoidant one? That can be both interestingly. So avoidant sometimes can be manipulative, but a lot of them are just quiet, nice guys who are just nervous. They're not, they're not nervous about abandonment. They're nervous about getting hurt. So they don't think anyone will ever care about their needs. They just keep everybody else out. So they don't think anyone will ever care about their needs. They just keep everybody else out and say, you know what, I'll take care of myself.

Don't worry about it. You stay right there. I'll take care of me, you take care of you, or I'll take care of you a little bit so that you always have good intentions toward me. But I'm gonna stay right here. That's most guys in business. Wow.

Yeah, so I learned about myself. I was preentified at a young age because I'm the oldest of four. And so I was like another parent to a young age because I'm the oldest of four. And so I was like another parent to all these siblings. I also grew up, I mean loving household but very kind of old school, you know, immigrant household where, you know, stuff would happen. I couldn't really figure out what's going on. Why's everybody yelling? And so I never brought problems to my parents ever, ever, into this day asking for help is almost impossible.

I'm the like, bear it, handle it. I'll take care of myself type of deal. And it's all because of that, because of how I grew up. If you opened up to someone, are you afraid that they would abandon you because you're not worthy of it? Or are you afraid that they would look down on you and maybe use it against you somehow in the future?

Probably the second one. I say, probably because I don't necessarily think that. And this is what's interesting about what you're saying. Someone may be listening and be like, well, this is all unconscious most of it. It is. Yeah. So this is like, I'm having to like peel back and look deep.

And a lot of it's just, I don't want to feel or appear weak. That's it. Men who are terrified of appearing weak and vulnerability, that's usually the nervous avoidant attachment style. They would have called dismissive avoidant back in the long day. Dismissive avoidant attachment of, I don't want dismissive avoidant back in the long day. The dismissive avoidant attachment of, I don't want to look weak

because that will get used against me or they'll look down on me or I'll make less money. Something bad is going to happen. I can't go to my parents and if I can't go to them, I can never go to any human being on earth. So it's just me for the rest of my life. And we do. We cover it over and I'm just, I'm tough.

I can do everything. Right, I have millionaires come in for coaching with me and they say, Adam, I don't need any help but I could really use your help, I'm hiring you but I don't actually need any help. I really need it. And then they come in and they say, my wife, here's the thing. Their wife usually has anxious attachment.

The other way, and he says, we haven't had sex in six months and I haven't had the guts to ask her about it. I've done everything I should to make it and happen and she just won't do it and I'm not sure why. And I don't have a very close relationship with my kids and she's always on me about that. And I do everything I possibly can. What more is a man supposed to be doing? And those are the guys that come in and they don't usually hit a point where they say there's a problem here until the wife is really upset or the kids are really upset or she's threatening divorce and it has to head in that direction for most guys to say okay maybe there's a chance that I could get some help from somebody and maybe change who I am.

Yeah, why is it because this leads me to this question here. I've read statistics and I've seen them confirm that a majority of divorces are initiated by the wife. 70% 70% now why is that? Is it because you know the stereotype you can't make them happy or is it because the other stereotype guys just don't like to ask for help or in order for them to even think there's something wrong. It should have to be on fire.

Like what is going on here? I love this question. I wrote a book exactly about this called Exhaustive Wives Be Builder to Husbands which is all about this dynamic because I treat couples And I work with couples as a licensed manager of family therapists for years now as a coach They come in and they've been together for 20 years and the wife is now saying I'm done. I'm tired I'm way beyond Anything I don't want to reconcile. I just want to divorce the kids are grown

They're in college now and the husband says I'm to try now. Tell me anything and I will fix it. I will fix it. I will cut off my left arm if you want me to. And the guys come to me as a last ditch effort and say, Adam, I don't know what the problem is. She is all of a sudden upset and says that we have to get a divorce for no reason. And I say, let's talk about your relationship over the last 20 years. What has that been like?

I'll bring the wife in sometimes. And she'll say, I have been trying to change the relationship for 20 years. I've been telling him things. I've been dropping hints. I've been asking. I've been begging. And it wasn't a problem until we had kids, but then I watched the kids grow up with anxiety, and he doesn't connect with them, and he won't listen to me.

Women tend to microchange themselves continuously for the relationship to augment it, and they expect men to do the same. The male brain, however, observes in the back and then goes forward to act upon it. If we see a problem and believe it's fixable and have the solution or are capable of asking a man for help versus a solution, then we will follow through and do that solution. Most guys who have that problem either don't see a problem, their wife is just emotional who cares, we're surviving, this is the best of lever p. They don't think a solution is possible. If I open up, she'll lose all respect from you, you'll destroy the marriage, I

will just be the laughing stock of, or they're a terrified, they know there's a problem, but they're terrified to open up and ask anybody for the solution because they don't think anybody else will ever give it to them. Those are the three pieces that keep men locked in bad marriages for 20 years and then they are blindsided by a divorce someday. So how do we better sell this to men? The biggest thing is when I'm on podcasts like this, is I just tell men, look, there's hope, and you can change, and they say, no, no, it's not.

And then they listen, and I say this, look, I have worked with millionaires who have been unhappy into their 60s, and they finally come no, no, it's not. And then they listen, and I say this, look, I have worked with millionaires who have been unhappy into their 60s, and they finally come in the late, the oldest client I ever had was 80 years old. And he walked in, had led an overwhelmingly successful financial life, terrible personal life, terribly unhappy. And it is absolutely fixable once you realize the pieces that were missed, the generational gaps, the parents who didn't teach you, you can the pieces that were missed, the generational gaps,

the parents who didn't teach you, you can come to me with problems and we will solve them together. If you build that, that's what I call a self-correcting family system. You don't have to have a perfect family for secure attachment. You have a self-correcting family system. When there's a problem, come to me, we will do it together, I will not be angry, you will judge you, we will solve it together. Will it be perfect? No, but we will take care of each other. When you train your kids for that, they look for that everywhere out in the world and they thrive. When you train your kids, when you have a problem, it is your fault and I'm going to yell at you until you fix it. It will never come to you for help. So when we train men like that and we say, guys,

you can get help without looking weak, right? You can do the physical and be the strong samurai, but you also have to have the internal work that a samurai would have done. This is old knowledge that has been lost. When you train men like that and say there's hope and there's solutions, they will not think about it. You said old knowledge that's lost. What do you mean by that?

So because I think we, you know, this is all generational, but it goes beyond that then. Absolutely. Okay. So the work that I've done, the research I've done over the last several years on attachment, is that this generational problem stretching back to about World War One. World War One, we lost a generation of men in World War One,

and I wouldn't try to play keep up after that and catch up. And then we had the roaring 20s in Europe, also was trying desperately to recover, and everything in the West was broken. We lost a generation of knowledge and then flooded into hedonism and then flooded it immediately into more trauma. We had the dust ball, we had the great depression, everybody moved into the cities,

we had massive industrialization, fathers were kept away from their kids, 16, 18 hours of data work. Mothers had to start kind of working and doing all kinds of things to survive. We lost extended families than the World War II hit. And then the generations through that time, they just were silent.

They just suffered to feed their family and survive. Their kids couldn't come to them for problems because they had no space to give help at all. That's what I think, because I look at like my grandparents' generation, or even my parents, my parents were very poor growing up. And I'm like, yeah, you know, sitting down and talking to your kids and figuring out what's going on, they had no time.

My grandfather was working all the time for food and clothes. I'm not talking about like just normal stuff, like they could meet. My grandmother had eight kids, and she's washing clothes by hands and cooking by hand, and she's got to go figure out how to make some money sometimes. So you can't talk to, you know, your child, you got to smack them, make them act the way they're supposed to so everybody can survive type of deal.

That's what's getting passed on. We have 100 years of trauma that has never been dealt with and every generation has got worse as we get farther and farther away from understanding that we can solve problems as families that we can take care of each other. It's just getting so much worse, which is why pediatricians have been sounding the alarm over the last two years about the suicide rates among 11 year olds, is getting so much worse because they have never seen a functional family.

Many of them have, they were born, not with a mother and father in the household. They don't even have a dad. They don't even know who their dad is. It's just so bad at this point that there is no hope even at 11 years old that they're checking out at that point. Well, what's the old, the old wisdom, the most important stuff that's, that's been lost? Mailbrains are built to actually interlink and share data to solve problems.

We cannot function. Men, we will always hit a wall. If we can't interlink with other mail brains, pull their solutions, you have solved the problem. I need to that solution, right? I come over to you. I say, hey, give me this information. I put it in my brain and it suddenly it works. I see a problem with me, I fix it and it works. That was your data that I needed.

We are all like data nodes that are supposed to fit together with this collective knowledge, collective wisdom, right? Fitness. Fitness is not my thing. But you guys do that. I can come to you and say, help me with that. To give me that information. And you can teach it to me. I put it in my brain. Now I have it and I can work better. I'm a whole integrated man. Someone needs attachment, help. They come to me and say, Hey Adam, give me your information. They

click it into their brain. Suddenly they have that information. The male brain is meant to work with other male brains. And that has been shattered. Every guy is an individual island. Women now too. Every guy is an individual island that says, I had to be born with all the information or learn it all secretly, somehow myself. And if I can't, there is something wrong with me and no one will ever help me. How and why?

How did we get there and why? We got there because exactly, parents, generation, generation, I don't have time to talk to you. I don't have time to help you. And then now friendships are even broken. Guys live, I just had someone in my emails this morning asking for coaching, saying, Adam, everything is successful except I have no friends.

I don't know who to talk to. And I spend all my time watching Netflix, watching porn, playing video games. I, on the outside, everything's great. And I have no male friends. And I say, then how are you living? If you don't have male friends that you can go to and say, hey, I'm having this problem. Have any of you solve that problem and get the solution

from them? If they don't know, they know someone who does, no, they don't have that. That's why people are watching these podcasts because this is amazing to them. Men sitting in a room together sharing data like this. This is unheard of now in modern era. That's why we have to get that back to them by making it normal for men not to cry and whine like like everything they say nowadays. Go teach men to cry teach no no no men want solutions men don't go to therapy because they don't think they're going to get solutions that can work they go to they don't go to therapy because they don't want to sit and cry because then they'll just feel worse.

They want solutions from other men so teaching men you need to get solutions from a man who has solved your problem and then you will solve your own problem. Where do you see us going in the wrong direction from the solution? I see two things right now. There's a big split. One is to help men feel validated and safe and comfortable, which is a very feminine kind of approach.

Therapy didn't use to be that way, but it has through humanism and everything that we've focused on, they comfort you and nurture you while then medicating you. And that's a very feminine approach of get you through, adapt, help, you get comforted, feel validated, then you will take care of yourself. That's what women tend to do, and they feel safe. They start doing the work and they take care of themselves. Men, absolutely not. We have broken that model. So that's the problem right now. Is therapy focuses on making men feel loved and validated? Men need to feel powerful.

That's interesting, because you couple that with the thoughts around the way we are educating men too. So we're educating men in a more feminine way than in addition to that, we're even, then they come to us for help and then we're also helping them in that. Well, I imagine too, like in therapy, there's a lot of therapists that probably apply,

you know, the more feminine approach than what you're talking about. So I mean, how many therapists out there actually apply these concepts? Most of them don't think about it because through the therapy school, the graduate program and then through the apprenticeship afterward, most therapists are taught, the client is the expert. This is a humanistic taught, the client is the expert. This is a humanistic model. The client is the expert. They know everything about themselves.

You just have to help them figure out the knowledge on the inside of them of what they want, and then they will just do it themselves. So then you just come in for three years and keep having them talk about themselves, and eventually they'll feel good. If you make them feel loved and safe enough in your office, they will find what they need and everything will be wonderful And that is the humanistic model that we have followed especially since the 70s and 80s But it's just grown more and more. It's one of the easiest to learn and most therapists say wow I didn't feel loved enough so that probably would help people and it helps sometimes it helps women

Sometimes it helps some men, but guys need power. We need power to not over other human beings. We need power over our environment, power over our pain, power over our problems, power over solutions. We need the power and the belief that we can go fix it. It's so funny because my wife and I are, we like fit so perfectly in this sense in those boxes. Like if she has a problem or a challenge, all she wants me to, all she wants to hear and feel for me

is like, yeah, that is hard. Like I could totally see that. And then she like moves forward and does what she needs to. I don't want to hear that. I want to hear, like I told her one time and this is hard for her to understand and I explained to her, that's because I'm a guy.

This is what we want to hear. I'm like, if you want me to be home more, you want me to be with the family more, if you want me to be more involved, just do this when I'm on my way to work. Say this to me. Grab me, give me a kiss and say, you want me to be with the family more, if you want me to be more involved, just do this one on my way to work. Say this to me. Grab me, give me a kiss and say, you're such a warrior, honey, go out there and crush for us.

By the way, every man listening to the chills hearing that, I said, Jesus, if you said that to me, I would crush, and then I come home early so I could be with you guys. And she's like, that doesn't make any sense to me, because it doesn't make sense to you, but to me it does. Yes, does. You know, because it makes me feel powerful. You know, it's just what I... Most men, if you sat them down and said,

would you rather hear, I love you or I respect you? Most men will leap toward I respect you. And most men will say, I don't feel that I deserve it, but that is what I want to hear. And a wife who goes out and says, this is old knowledge that women used to pass down to each other, if you tell your husband, you respect him, that he's strong, you admire him,

the good character that he carries, the manhood that he has, and you tell him, I look up to you. That man, it's pure testosterone straight in your neck, like she's just in the neck. She's in the neck. You go roaring out there for the day on steroids, and that is what she has done.

And no, almost no women in America, or in Europe now know how to do that with their men. They say, I love you, you're so special to me. I feel so happy when I'm with you. It's just so wonderful that we can... She'll look at the low. Yeah, and you feel like it is. It's like, okay, I'm a big fluffy dog.

And you walk out your front door feeling like a big fluffy dog instead of feeling like a man who's gonna conquer the world. Yeah, I mean, it's nice to hear that, but it's not nearly as nice as hearing, you know, the other stuff. And it'll probably give you what you want. They will. If you say it that way. And then what about us?

What are we, what can we be saying to our wives to better support them and give them the feelings that they're seeking and they want? I've been watching a lot of movies lately with my wife and what's interesting is most movies geared toward women especially horror movies or Romance movies it doesn't matter if it's hallmark or a murder film the woman's biggest struggle is this she sees the problem And no one will believe her. Yeah, she sees the problem and no one will listen to her It's not that they won't let her do it. She's not feeling powerless. She's feeling unheard, uncared for, unloved, not taken seriously. This is why when you said, when she has a problem, she needs to get that love and validation. First, I tell men, the most problems in your, in your discussions of resolving conflict

with your wife is order of operations. Guys jump. Okay, there's a problem. Here is the solution. Here's the logic. Here's the information. Here's the PowerPoint I have put together demonstrating. And the woman's sitting there going,

I don't want to hear any of this because I don't think you actually love me. And when you stop and say sweetheart, I'm sorry that you're having that feeling right now. Not I'm sorry you feel it. Wait, I'm sorry that you're having that. I'm sorry that I'm contributing to it. What do you need from me right now to feel loved? If you can stop and do that, all of a sudden she goes from 9 out of 10, almost nuclear down to like 2 out of 10 because you're on her team and you love her. And then

she says, Oh, you know, I don't know. I just really need a hug right now. Okay. Let me give you a hug. I really need to hear. I'm sorry. You know what? I'm really sorry. I'm sorry that I contributed to this feeling. I'm sorry that you're having this right now and that I didn't understand what you needed. Let me help you. What can I do? All of a sudden, well, I don't know. I'm not sure what I need. Okay. Now it's time for the logic. Okay. Can I offer a suggestion? Well, okay. How about this? And you start offering the logical suggestion because you've de-escalated her emotional brain and now her logical brain has kicked back online and she also trusts you and will receive the information from you. You know, it's funny about this is most guy, I mean me,

I'll use myself as an example. When I go to my friends, my guy friends with a problem, I don't want to hear, you know, I don't want to go to Adam and Justin and bad guys, this thing's happened. I want them to be minimal de-tune. I don't want them to be like, oh man, that really sucks. Let me give you a hug.

Hey, listen, I don't care about that right now. I want you, I need some advice. Like, tell what to do. Whereas like my wife will go to her friends and that's the last thing she wants to hear from her friend is, oh, that's your problem. Here's what you need to do. She wants the other thing. And if we don't understand this, we're screwed. You just can't work with each other or communicate with each other. Absolutely. I tell wives the same thing. When there's a problem, you need to go to him and say, hey, there's a problem. We need to solve it. I was just working with a couple of the other day. Women won't do this. They'll say, I'll drop a hint and it won't be as good. I'll say, Oh, well, I'm not sure

I want to do this or they'll just have, I'll have sex with him a little bit less. I won't hold his hand as often. I'll do these little things and he won't get that clue at all. He doesn't understand there's a problem, right? Hey, you know, this, this is happening. Oh, okay. We just brush it off. But when she grabs you by the nose, it says, Hey, wait a minute, there's a problem. And we need to solve it or something, or this is going to happen. The male brain kicks online and says, Whoa, okay, what do we got? Why is this a problem? Help me understand why this is a problem? Oh, that's why. What's the solution here? Okay, who else has solved the problem? Who do we need to get this information from? Okay, let's do it. And that's going to divert that that 70% divorce. That's going to divert that. Okay, let's take care of this

That's how the male brain works and most women don't have the guts to say there's a problem We need to solve it or this is going to happen. That's when guys get serious. That's by that time. It's almost too late It's too late. Talk about what, you know, man, and it could be both sex, I guess. What, what the four characteristics are attracted to each other. And then, and then what manifests from that? Absolutely.

So with secure attachment, you know that you can go to other human beings. And by, by large, most people will cooperate with you. Right? Most people, I go to you and say, Hey, you know what, I'm having this problem. Can you help me out? You're gonna say, okay, I'll help you. And you'll, you'll teach me something about it, right? Most people, I go to you and say, hey, you know what, I'm having this problem. Can you help me out here and say, okay, I'll help you.

And you'll teach me something about it, right? You're not gonna scream at me, you're not gonna throw a rocket me for asking you for advice. That's secure attachment. They will always default during conflict to trying to cooperate with the other person as much as they humanly can. They will sort themselves out,

typically from everybody else, because they will cluster together, because they'll test that with other people and when it doesn't go well They say, oh, okay, and they just back off because they know there's tons of other people out there They can go to to get that connection with so the world is sorted into two different movies playing on the same screen There's the secure people over here that you talk to it say life is pretty easy life is pretty great Yeah, there's challenges, but I just take care of business and my friends and family love me and everything's wonderful. And they're over here, and most people think they're, the insecure styles, I'll think those people are delusional.

Like, how did you like, are you on drugs? How you doing that? You were just born like, you must have it easy. Right, everybody else over here in the insecure camp of no one will ever help me, ever, either because of myself, because I don't deserve it, or because they are untrustworthy.

Either way, I have to play games to make people like me. So the anxiously attached people, they have, I could talk all kinds of brain chemicals and stuff with this different with them, but they have an overwhelming craving to be loved, to be taken care of, to not be abandoned. So they are endlessly chasing not abandonment, not even to be kept, to not be abandoned. So they are endlessly chasing not abandonment, not even to be kept, to not be abandoned. So everything they do is to try to go out and have people love them. So they become codependent,

they take care of other people of problems, they find some drugged up crazy dude that they can just like take care of forever. Cause he will never leave her because she's never going to run out of problems. She can solve for him and eventually he will really depend on her so she will obviously he'll marry her and solve for him and eventually he will really depend on her. So she will obviously he'll marry her and have babies with her and he'll take care of her

and he'll stop using drugs and all the things he's doing eventually because he'll love her enough. No, he will usually have avoid an attachment style of, I can't trust anybody else. I got to push their buttons. I got to make them do what I want. So he thinks everything that's good happening in the relationship is only because he's constantly pushing good buttons to give her a dribble of good feelings And everything she does is not because she loves him It's only because he's providing her with good feelings So he just sits back and says I'm not we're not solving problems together. I solve problems by making you happy

So he never properly bonds to her or to anybody else He just withdraws he has to give her good feelings, then she frantically chases them, becomes addicted to that valid, that complete validation, it's called oxytocin is the bonding hormone that he's flooding in her. He does something called love bombing, overwhelms her with that sensation.

He doesn't mean too, but he's making her feel amazing. And then she tries to rush at him and get too close. And he backs off. He says, whoa, I didn't think we were having that kind of relationship. Yeah, we have five kids. And yeah, we've been together for 30 years. But I don't really think I want to talk about my feelings with you.

That's a little too deep. That's too deep. Oh, you want to get married now? No, you know, you and your five kids over there. You guys could stay there. Marriage is a step too far because I would be vulnerable. You could hurt me through marriage. We'll do everything else, but not sign that piece of

paper. That's what it is, but she chases the anxious person chases, the avoidant person avoids and dodges back endlessly over and over and over and you see this dynamic play out constantly with couples who they chase, they run away. There's always a chaser and a runner during those situations. Now, the irony is like if you're afraid of abandonment, you're probably more likely to cause it because of your behaviors. And on the other side as well, you're more likely to cause the things that you fear. Exactly.

And it becomes like this self-fulfilling prophecy. 100%. Because if you're, I would imagine somebody's afraid of being abandoned might constantly test their partner to say, well, if I do this, will you love me? Well, if I do this, will you still love me? Oh, there, you left me. I knew it.

I knew this was gonna happen in time of deal. Right. Which is why when guys come to me in their 30s, they've tried everything else, but they've got this constant message throughout their entire life of everyone I ever known has tried to hurt me. Everyone I have ever got close to has tried to use me.

I haven't been able to trust anyone I've ever known. Again, the secure people, chuck out because they say, well, this guy isn't, he's not being honest with me, he's tried to use me. I haven't been able to trust anyone I've ever known. Again, the secure people duck out because they say, well, this guy isn't, he's not being honest with me, he's not talking, she's not, we're not solving problems together. They might even not think he's bad, they'll just think, I have no interest. He has no interest in me, I have no interest in him.

Okay, you go over there, I'll be over here. And they just never properly bond. So for him, every person he's ever got close to has tried to hurt him. Cause those are the only people that would pursue him So he has a lifetime guys coming to me for coaching or my course or whatever They have a lifetime of data they think proves that there's no hope They have a lifetime of data they think says I can never bond with anybody or trust anybody ever

So they have to watch my videos for six months until they're willing to talk to me usually and then they'll read my book Maybe and then they'll maybe they'll think about my course at that point but the whole time they're trying to figure out where the trap is, where is Adam trying to lay a trap or is Adam's information going to get me killed or destroyed is usually it takes them so long to even come to a place where they believe it's possible because what I'm telling them is against every ounce of experience they have ever had in their life. How do you handle a situation like this? You have to see so many of these couples that are attracted to each other because of their insecurities. And that's the main reason why they're even together.

Deep down, you're going, they shouldn't even fucking be together. You don't like that. You don't like that. They have nothing that would be a good relationship other than the fact that they have found their insecurities match really well. Yet, they're coming to you to help their marriage or relationship. How the fuck do you reconcile that? Oh, yeah. I have women come to me to save their marriage. Men come to me save their marriage.

Sometimes I have couples come together. And what I have found is this, almost every couple can make it work somehow if they are both willing to do the work okay if he says you know, I think this is all crap This isn't gonna work, but she's a hundred percent in she does the work. It will destroy the marriage Oh, I see if he comes in and says I'm gonna do this and this is what I want and she has you know personality disorder something Absolutely refuses to do the work, it will destroy the marriage. When one of the moves to become secure and says, I want to get my needs met with you together, I want to meet your needs, I don't want games,

I don't want secrets, I don't want short play, I just want to talk to you and get my needs met and let's be a team together. It's amazing how couples who are very, very different when they do that and they are just open and just talk with each other. The mutual exchange of needs almost every couple can make it work. Well, that's cool. You know, it's weird about that. Adam is in fitness, the statistics on a couple that come to you that are, let's say, both obese and one of them figures it out and gets fit and healthy. The divorce rate goes through the roof. Unless they both do it together.

Now if they both do it together, it's like marriage glue. But if one of them doesn't, the other one doesn't do it, and it's probably similar to what you're talking about. I'm fixing some of my issues. You haven't fixed some of yours, and that's gonna cause some struggle. That's why when I have an individual come to me,

I ask, what's your relationship status? And I say, tell me about the other person. Are they willing to fix this with you? Have you talked with them about this? Usually they've kept it a dark secret. No, I don't have feelings, but they keep it a secret. Sometimes the guys will say, yeah, my wife knows, because that's why I'm here, because she's doesn't like it.

But I ask, where is she at? Is she burned out where she's not going to be willing to do this work? You know, if it's a woman, is he going to be completely checked out? He doesn't believe this is possible. The people who come to me for that, I warn them. I say, look, you are going to discover that there is so much goodness and richness available to you in this life, so much in your relationships that you've never imagined. You're going to want to share that with the partner, with the person that you love in your

life. There's a chance they may follow you into it. There's a chance they may absolutely reject it because they don't believe it's possible and they will do everything possible to shut you down. They will emotionally hurt you. They will wound you. They will try to get you back into that box so that you stay away from them without ever coming near them.

They may do that. I'm just warning you right now. Then we work on it. We have to build steps into it to see if it's possible or not. So I have to give them, like, have this conversation with your spouse, write it down on this note card, use this phrase, do this or bring them in and I will train them during the coaching. We'll have a whole session. I'll just, to have his ox blame, everything. If we can get the other person on board, even just on board to do it, almost every marriage can be saved. Almost every single marriage can be saved as long as they're both willing. That's it.

That's amazing. So when I look at statistics on divorce, it's interesting to me that you see, so here in the West through media, we say, you fall in love and it's a strong feeling and that's what keeps you together and just always in love and that's and obviously that and you know you complete me like you know you have to always complete me type of deal and so that's the message here and then you look at some other cultures like that are so different like arranged marriages I don't even pick my spouse my parents did Their divorce rate is like tiny. And I know people, like, well, that's because they can't get divorced.

No, no, when they do interviews, they're happiness is much higher as well. What's going on? There's four levels of relationships that are supposed to be hit. Four pieces of relationships that are build security, long term. When you have just the feelings, you skip ahead

from all four to the fifth one of just feeling good. You're trying to skip, right? And the first year of our relationships, that's super easy to do because the hormones are flooding, the novelty is there, everyone's trying to bond. First year is amazing. You can do that for most relationships. The four levels are this. Number one, consistency of shared values.

If a range of marriages, they tend to do this really well. Your families raise you with consistent values, honesty, loyalty, integrity, right? If those are there, that's the first level of trust with a human being. I can trust you to be stable and secure and do what you're supposed to do when a crisis hits, a conflict hits, you don't act based on your feelings,

what feels good at the moment or your fear, you act based on that core principle. And that's what you're gonna do. Number two is a long term goal that you can share together. A long, like legacy goal. I tell a lot of couples, I say, what's the purpose of your relationship?

Most people have never stopped and said, what is the purpose of my marriage? Your marriage has a purpose. It has a mission. The marriage itself, you didn't get married to have good feelings until one of you dies. And that one wins, because the other one's now left alone.

That's not what commitment is. Commitment is to a shared mutual legacy that the two of you are creating better together than you could ever create separately. I've got my wife, our four kids, my legacy, all my work. If you like seeing me here, I worked 12 hours a day. I could not do that without my wife at my back, without her there 24-7, all of my life and me helping her as well, because she stayed home mom, she does homeschooling, she does our finances,

she takes care of everything else. We have a shared mission. So my legacy, oh Adam, he's, you know, he's the attachment specialist. Let's see, that is her legacy too. Everything I do as part her legacy. That's number two, a shared mutual goal that actually keeps you two united

so that when the feelings are not great, you have a purpose to say together. Number three is mutual acceptance of bad things, of baggage. You don't just enable the other person by saying, oh, you're an alcoholic, okay, we'll just live around that. Oh, you scream at our kids and hit them. What will work around that?

It's how far have you gone to do your work, have you done as much as you can to get better as a human being? Where are you at right now that you're still struggling and can I accept you in those moments? Help you and continue to keep you accountable, right? Wives are great for accountability and call you out, but help you and accept you where you are. Can you accept me for that as well? This is attachment really important here, but if you don't have good attachment, guys won't say, oh, I have a problem. I'm weak in this area. How important is it to have those definitive roles established

in terms of like the splitting of some of those responsibilities and just that understanding that you can build from? Yep, so we call it division of labor inside the family. When you must have a clear division of labor, it doesn't, doesn't matter if you follow traditional gender roles, most couples end up doing that anyway, but have a clear division of labor. It doesn't, doesn't matter if you follow traditional gender roles most couples end up doing that anyway But have a strong division of labor so that there's no resentment There's no questions and everybody is also appreciated for the work that they do when you get hired at a company You don't walk in they say okay Well, we're gonna have you here and you're gonna do some stuff and it'll just kind of be whatever we tell you to and we'll pay you based on

How we feel that you have kind of done you walk in it's a clear job description, it's a clear mission statement, everything is 100% there. And that, when you do that, that mutual acceptance, it leads into the fourth level of mutual fulfillment. Hey, you are going to do this part of our job, right? I told my wife, you're going to be the state home mom, you're amazing at it, you're going to homeschool, you're going to do this. What do you need for me in return, not just to live your life, but how do I make you feel loved? I asked my wife, where the top three things I can do as your husband that make you feel most loved.

And how often do you need them? And what intensity? And why does that matter? Write me an instruction manual for your care and feeding as if I am from another planet and I've never met a woman before. What is your mutual fulfillment? And here's the three things that I need so that you understand them clearly. Consistency with values, shared mutual plan and legacy, the mission that you're building. Mutual acceptance of problems that you're working on and then mutual fulfillment. When you have those four pieces, your marriage thrives.

And in ranged marriages, the good ones, they make them do that. Or old-style marriages, right? A hundred years ago, people didn't get married because they felt good. People got married because they said, well, I can trust you. Life is hard. I can trust you. We have a purpose, a mission together. We raise kids who survive. And we have these various challenges that we're going to chase together that I have. And you have, okay, and mutual fulfillment. What do you need for me during the course of our mission together? Your wife, your wife, she should be your vice president. She should be the first mate of your ship.

If you're the captain, she's not just over there to look good. She is right there with you. It's a mission together. Going back to what Justin kind of was alluding to with the division of labor, where do you see this has gotten really murky in today's society? I hear it now. Okay. So the research shows that if a couple is more fair and equal in the labor in the home and the chores, they're actually more likely to get divorced. Interestingly. For a few reasons there, it's hotly argued about why. Sometimes because the couples who

have more fair, more equal, not fair, equal division of labor might have more progressive values. They might have more, yeah, there's a number of reasons that could go into this. But if you don't have those pieces there, the resentment can boil up so hard because sometimes women don't think they have to bring anything into the relationship apart from sex. Sometimes very insecure women will say,

all I have to offer is sex. Sometimes insecure women will go the other direction, though, and say, let's say, I have to offer is sex. Sometimes insecure women will go the other direction though and sell them say I have nothing to offer so I have to do everything. There's so many insecure women out there who think they are constantly on the razor's edge of being abandoned and their husband has no idea that she feels this way. He thinks the marriage is solid, he thinks they're happy, he thinks that she's happy, and he's just playing a game, he's trying to figure out why she's not in the mood as often as she's happy, and he's just playing a game, he's trying to figure out why she's not in the mood as often as she could be,

and she's sitting there thinking, I am one day away from this man leaving me because I offer him nothing, I have to do everything, but then she'll do everything, and then she won't get her needs met that she secretly has, because she also can't ask for those. Yeah, I can see how that would happen

because my wife is definitely better at some things than I am, and vice versa. And if it was like, oh, if I'm doing what she does really well, and we're like, no, no, no, we're doing this equally, then I could see how she'd be like, I'm better at this. Why don't you just hear what I have to say? I'm with the kids all day.

This is what our son needs, what our daughter needs. And I know I only see them four hours because I come home from work, but I know what's going on. Like I can see that, and I can also see how if she came in here and she did the same thing here, and my work, how I would feel the same way.

So that part makes sense to me. It's like, you lead this, I'll follow. That's how we're gonna work together here, and then vice versa. I also think it's become kind of murky because the messaging around, you know, and maybe you can go back and look at exactly what year this really started to happen

because for a long time, one person stayed home, one person worked. My wife grew up in a home with a mother basically telling her that, you know, work hard, make sure you have your own money. You don't, you don't, you don't, you don't, you don't ever want to depend on a man financially. It's so ruined you. And so, you know, you know, you know, you know, you never want to depend on a man financially. It's a ruin you

And so you know, you can only imagine that you know the challenges that we've probably had in our relationship and You know, it's tough because I see and they have this incredibly tight family. They all communicate They all share and this you can see it with all the women by the way or all killers. They're all bad-ass women They're all degrees high performers of the're all degrees, high performers of the ants, all of them in the family. And you know, you can see the trouble, that leads in the challenges that we've had. And I feel like a lot of that pressure

isn't just from their home, but the society's kind of pushed that message, you know? I feel like. Absolutely. So Forbes Magazine ran maybe five years ago, they ran this amazing survey that they conducted of women up at the top level executive corporate level kind of women. And they said, do you wish that you could stay at home as a mom and that your partner made more? And if so, do you resent them?

And what the numbers came out was this. 84% of corporate executive level women said, I wish my partner made more in money so I could stay at home. 65% of them actively resented their male partner from not making enough money for them to stay at home. So yes, the message is there of work, do your own money, stay safe, he will leave you, men will always betray you. Yes, that message is there, but women also hate and resent that message at the same time. That's not what they want. They want to figure out a system. They crave to figure out a system

where a man will love them and care for them and nurture them so that they can bring up the fullness of themselves and give back just the full feminine energy of their family. And they resent being shifted into a masculine role because no one is stepping up and taking the masculine role in their life. Yeah, so I see, it's funny because I think there's a myth where we can work together,

we'll have kids together, but let's protect ourselves a little bit in case it doesn't. Like, you can't, it'll be like running a business, it'll be like running a business with my partners and we're not all in. Correct. Where we're just kind of doing it because we're a little afraid that it's not gonna work. Either it's gonna work or it's not, and your best chances of making it work is you're going all the way in.

You know, that's kind of my attitude, because I was married before and I got divorced. And then afterward now I'm married and I'm like, oh, this is, you either go all in or you don't. And I had some fear coming out of getting divorced because that was scared of the shit, Adia. And it's like, I had to get rid of some of that, because they ain't gonna work

if I come into this with that kind of fear. So the message that I see out there in regards to marriage for man is this and it's all that hurt in particular is this. If you get married, you're gonna be having sex with the same woman all the time. You can't bang all the time. That's a fast bad, yeah. Yeah, she's gonna take half your money. Uh-huh. So you have less money. Oh kids. Oh, that's gonna That's gonna you know, that's a burden and you know, you gotta take care of kids all of a sudden you're changing diapers You're not out there hanging out with your buddies having a great time. You can't buy fast cars Right, you can't go out and do this awesome stuff. It sucks the dads on TV are bumbling idiots There's almost never like it used to be a source of pride. How many kids? Yeah, five kids. Oh my god. Congratulations

Now it's like oh, you got five kids that sucks. Why would you do you have? Five kids. Oh my God, congratulations. Now it's like, oh, you got five kids, that sucks. Why would you do that? Why would you possibly do that? So I see that message all the time. And so you get a lot of young men who are like, why would I want to get married? This totally sucks. And then you throw on top of it,

pornography and ease of access to sex. And then it just confirms like, oh yeah, why would I ever? Why is that wrong? Why is that such a shitty message? Working out is hard, right? Working out is hard. Why would anybody go to the gym? Three, five times a week, whatever.

Why would anybody go to the gym that many times and pick up something heavy and drop it down again? Why would anyone do that? It's stupid. You get nothing out of it. It's short term. It's pointless. It's uncomfortable. Stay at home. You get nothing out of it. It's short term. It's pointless. It's uncomfortable.

Stay at home. Eat fast food. Watch pornography. Isn't that just so much more comfortable? Why would you go to the jail when you can watch porn at home? Why would you get married? Why would you go somewhere where you have to work with somebody else to solve problems? You have to raise kids, feed them, close them. If they work harder, they take all your money. Why would you do that when you could just be at home and watch only fans? Why would you do that? Like, just watch only fans for the next 50 years

and just jerk off and that's your life. Like, why would you put in the effort and the pain? Well, just like with fitness, it's because it's what it brings. It brings so much more wholeness of self. It brings better chemicals and bonding and nurturing and fulfillment, and the journey and the passion, and it brings so much richness to your life. And then it opens new doors. Marriage, a good marriage is the same way.

You know, it's funny, because marriage gets a bad wrap of there's no sex in marriage. You'll have, once you'll have sex with one woman for the rest of your life, but only for the first year. And then the research shows that married people are far more likely to have sex on an average night than single people. Even single people who are dating apps, even single young people, hot people, they are far more likely to have sex inside their marriage

than anybody else, which we don't think about. We think hot young singles are out there having all this sex. The sex is going down. Teenage pregnancy rates are going down because fewer people are having sex. The numbers actually show that more people are likely to be virgins at the end of high school than were before 10 years ago.

It's the sex is decreasing everywhere because people are having so much of it and they're not finding fulfillment. So why would you get married? Because of the richness that most of us don't aren't aware is there until we go through a painful event like you with your marriage. After your marriage, after the first marriage, what did you want differently in your second marriage? Oh, you know, real connection. I also looked at myself quite a bit. It's easy to look at the other partner and I did that a lot. But afterwards it's like, what did I do wrong? And one thing that I did wrong is I thought

my value was just earning money. That's all my value and I just worked. That's all I did. And then I also can, you know, tend to be more avoidant, which is, wow, that feeds right into that. I'll just get work all day. We got problems. I'll just work all day long. It's so easy. So that's what I looked at, you know at quite a bit. And that's where most men, they hit a rock bottom moment and say something's not working here. Is there anything out there that can work? And they accidentally start working on attachment, like you did.

Hey, real connection. First thing you said, real connection. Well, what does real connection come from? Well, it comes from telling the other person when something's wrong. It comes from telling the other person when you're sad. It comes from asking for help, right? It comes from all the things you're doing different with your wife now so that you've shared stories here of my wife has said this. Oh, she has, she was thinking that you are actually aware of what your wife thinks and feels now probably better than you were in your first marriage. Oh, much more.

Okay. So now with women, it seems like what they're told is staying at home, taking care of your kids, oh, that's, that's dumb. You should go get a career. Right. Or that's where you're going to find all is staying at home, taking care of your kids. Oh, that's dumb. You can go get a career. Or that's where you're gonna find all your meaning, or your children are a burden. Or, oh, you know, be with one man, and you have to sacrifice your dreams

in order to have a family. You have to sacrifice all your dreams. Or, you know, here's another message, oh, hey, you can sleep around too. You know, society says that just guys, now everybody does that, it's a good test in powering. So why is all that wrong? Why and slave yourself to one man at home

who's gonna hit you and you can enslave yourself to a loveless corporate overlord who is just going to run you for the next 40 years until they fire you. It's, women are in a no-win circumstance right now, is what they feel. They feel like they want families, the vast majority of women do.

They show that up to 90% of women who end up not having children regret it because they wish they could have. They did not want to have kids. 90% of women who end up not having kids wanted kids is what the research show. Women are just as trapped in a no-win circumstances men are right now,

but the problem is women feel vulnerable. They feel unsafe. They want to feel safe, right? They're the ones that go to therapy and want to feel loved and safe. They're the ones who want to feel this enclosed network. Men, we can thrive out in the wilderness with a stick, and we kill a creature, we wear it skin, we cook it's hide, then we kill the next creature, and women they're not usually geared for that. That's an extreme circumstance that a woman would have to be on the outside of the tribe. Women are supposed to be on the inside of the tribe doing amazing work, taking care of the tribe and nurturing and loving and providing and everything on the inside. So for a woman to be out there exposed among strangers completely, every gathering her

own resources completely alone, not even other women are going to help her. She's utterly alone. It's the worst case survival circumstance for that woman's brain, for our neurology, for everything that has ever been built in us through evolution as the worst case human scenario. So then those women get into circumstances and say, well, how can I find someone to love me? Well, sex is really easy for getting approval, and a woman wouldn't have sex with someone unless she kind of had some sort of connection to them, so maybe men feel the same. Maybe when I have sex with these men, maybe they will bond to me. Maybe he'll keep me.

Maybe I'm worth something. Maybe the more sex we have and the more dirty and crazy I get on the first couple of dates, maybe he'll realize how passionate and into I am and he'll never, ever leave me. Men were exactly the opposite. Wow, this girl's going crazy on the first couple of dates, maybe he'll realize how passionate and into I am, and he'll never, ever leave me. Men were exactly the opposite. Wow, this girl's going crazy on the first date. She's like, I don't know if I want to, right? I'll keep her right over here in a pile, but I don't know, but, right, that's the opposite.

Women are using the wrong tools to solve problems that they don't know how to solve either. Men and women right now, we're so terrified of each other. It's not even funny. Yeah, looking at the modern landscape, you know, you mentioned a couple of things about kids. I've seen the data and it's pretty crazy. You know, I have, I have four kids, the big age gap

and I got two teenagers and I'm seeing it firsthand. The anxiety, depression, it's like through the roof with kids, especially with adolescents and teenagers. And what's different now, I mean, the things I can point to are, I guess, internet, social media, pornography. Like, what's going on with kids right now? What is, why are kids so anxious and depressed? And like, you mentioned suicide with kids.

They'll almost never happen. That was like a thing that was so rare that it actually never happened. Now it's happening all the time. Like, what's going on? Humans are not meant to live like this. We're just not meant to live like this. We're supposed to have networks around us

that catch us if something goes wrong. We're supposed to have our core nuclear family, we're then we're supposed to have our expanded family. Then it was called the Kith and Kidd network around that. Friends of family and everybody around you, your village, your tribe, we're supposed to have our larger society that's also supposed to be there. And then we're supposed to have our larger society that's also supposed to be there,

and then we're supposed to have some sort of, some sort of religious group around us, doesn't matter necessarily what it is, but some sort of religious connection of shared values, that shared connection, if something goes wrong in your core family, then your extended family steps in. If that goes wrong, your Kith and Kidd network steps in.

If that goes wrong, your society. Everyone was invested in taking care of each other because that's how we survive together, right? We've all heard safety in numbers. Safety in numbers and security in numbers and none of us live by that. We live one person completely alone. All those networks were obliterated

over the last hundred years. It systematically destroyed every safety net we would have had. So the kids now grow up completely isolated from mom and dad, from their families, from their kids and kids networks, from their society, from religion, from everything, every network that would have caught them, now they have the internet. And they can talk to other people who feel just as miserable as they do.

They might form groups, but those people are going to be very unstable, most likely. So then they just see those relationships completely crack apart. And then they have access to pornography. They have access to make me feel better for a minute and then make me feel worse later on we have everything is in place as a coping mechanism Instead of an actual solution. So now kids have endless coping mechanisms with none of the networks. We were Biologically built to have kids are in a no-win game is the same same thing same thing no-win game We mentioned pornography a few times that the access of it has it the way it is now hasn't been around that long. I mean all of us were kids and when we were kids it was so

hard to come by that it was I mean I always make the joke that you could train a you could trade a dirty magazine for a bike when I was a kid that's how valuable it was. Now it's so accessible, it's insane. What is some of the ramifications of this access to novelty and online, what's that causing? Because now we have enough time to work to kind of see what it's caused. You know, it's funny because so many guys come to me and so many women come to me and they say,

you know, the women in porn are so happy to be there. And they're so happy to be doing what they want. So guys, right now, Gen Z is trying to figure out, okay, how much cheating is normal, right? It's on Snapchat, you can go on Snapchat and you can actually stock your partner. And then you're supposed to get with them and give them all your passwords to everything.

And they're supposed to be able to control everything you do and everywhere you go, because the guys imagine the girls gonna walk out at their apartment, find a dark alley with five guys and jump in enthusiasticallyastically just like in every porno and that's what he thinks she's gonna be doing out there this is how men think that women live we think that women want as much wild crazy random stranger sex as guys some some degree or program to get some ways what but with that pornography the guys also think okay this is the, this is the world, this is how sex works.

I have to be like this. And if my life isn't like this, everybody else is getting it, but not me. It's interesting because watching pornography consistently also, as you masturbate to it, so many guys in their 20s come into me with erectile dysfunction because all they know how to do is get aroused from these pixels on a screen and then bang one out really quick but actually deep connection with a human woman

is utterly terrifying it withers it up for them they can't perform once they actually get to the bed and not only that but it rewires part of the brain it makes your brain light up when you see an attractive woman your brain starts lighting up with the tool use area instead of lighting up with the bonding with another person area. Whoa, what's the tool use area? Using a tool like a hammer. I'm going to use this to masturbate with is what they have found. It recreates that. So you have to let those pieces die off.

At stop using porn, let it die off. Talk to women, be around women. I've run a private community right now where men and women can come in and just speak to each other like humans so that they can get used to women are not monsters who will destroy me if I don't perform sexually. And women can say, wow, none of these men has tried to stalk me or murder me in real life. It's amazing. porn has created the concept of how men and women will always interact and it's people that grow up viewing that from age 10, that's all they know for men and women.

How does the male brain look at sexual interaction and how does the female brain look at sexual interaction? Very good, it's interesting. Now both of us are supposed to be flooded with an hormone called oxytocin, which is the love hormone. It's a bumming, right? Yeah, it makes us feel great.

It's lack of stress and comfort and nurturing and that actually leads to male erection in a large way. It's one big piece of it. It also leads to massive female arousal. That's the mechanism after the first six to 12 months. Her brain will switch from more novelty and connection to almost entirely oxytocin relationship driven.

Oh, interesting. So the female sex drive falls off a cliff at about 12 months if you guys aren't properly bonded. Great indicator. Great indicator. If you have attachment issues, one or both, her sex drive into the toilet and both of you will wonder why it's because attachment issues are preventing

that proper bonding. So during the physical act, you're supposed to have a lot of oxytocin which actually makes the males a reduction stronger're supposed to have a lot of oxytocin, which actually makes the males a-rexion stronger, makes the females a-rexion, females a-females various arousal systems better. That is how it's supposed to work. Now, once they climax, the female typically floods with oxytocin, which bonds her to

him even more. And that she finishes and then says, I love this man. With all of my heart. He is incredible. It's a proper mechanism because she might get pregnant and then she's going to be properly bonded to him and stay with him. Men, we have a release of oxytocin but it seems to do something different for us. It just moves the semen along. We get a lot more dopamine when we do this so it feels good. It's like, I just ate my favorite hamburger. When I'm hungry again, I will come back here and have another hamburger. Right. It's, I will come back when I'm hungry, but you don't go to McDonald's or your favorite

burger join or whatever it might be when you're not hungry. You don't hang out there all the time. You don't sit there just in anticipation of getting hungry next time. So this is what women are missing and men is men bond better through a hormone called vasopressin. It's when we, when we solve stress together, we solve challenges together, everything we've talked about here today. And when we solve challenges together, it releases a hormone called vasopressin, which does a ton of million different things in your body.

But one thing it does is it associates you with that man and says, or woman, that person is my ally. When I'm struggling, I will go to them and get solutions. We will fight together, we will fight off the other tribes together, we will hunt the mammoths together. It builds in. So guys, who love their wife, right? You love your wife.

I won't call anyone out here, but I'm sure all of us, right? When you're in bed with your wife, you're not just there, all right, I'm gonna get this done. All right, I'm done, I'm out. You're there and you say, hey, I'm gonna give you some good feelings.

You're gonna feel good today, right? We're gonna give you like 10 of them, 10 climaxes. And she's like, I don't want that many, that you're like, no, we're gonna do it. And in his mission focused, and he wants to get it done because in his eyes, that's actually vast of press and bonding. Yes, it'll oxytocin bond her to you.

There's evolutionary benefits to it, right? She, the more she has, the more likely she is to get pregnant. There's that piece. But he is vast of press and he's trying to vast of press and bond with that woman. Most women miss this because they're insecure and they say, I'm not going to make him do that for me. I have a hard time. She has low oxytocin, low arousal, low chance of orgasm, and then low chance of multiple orgasm if she starts off with low oxytocin. And so

she says, I'm not going to make him do that. I'm not going to make him bond with it. I'll just, I'll make sure he has a good time. So then he dope a mean bonds to her, but she oxytocin bonds to him. And in turn, there's no vast oppressant. So that's why a booty call doesn't turn usually into a marriage. That's right there in a nutshell. Wow, that's fascinating.

Do you talk a lot about how evolution and how that leads to how we are and whatnot? Modern, obviously the way we live now is vastly different from the majority of the type of environments we evolved in. What are some of the biggest challenges with modern life and how can we circumvent those? People always ask me, Adam, how are we gonna go back?

And I said, we can't go back. Are you kidding me? Like, there were problems originally, right? Imperfections that we can now fix. But now we are aware of the problems. What we need is intentional solutions, intentional family building, intentional friendship building, intentional community building. We have to take the things that were serving us.

We have to take the bonds that were, right? I don't think marriage is fully going away, but it'll adapt. It'll change. It'll change into what is our core mission together, right? We're probably going to form commitments together. And then I was reading a great book not that long ago, if they get married, then they hand over their mutual shared passwords to their Bitcoin and whatnot, and they merge that together and it merges all your systems into one.

So not only are you humanly one, one couple, but now your system has become one and you're sharing that mission together. That could be something our future could create. We need to create useful, intentional systems that meet our primal hunter gatherer needs from back here of, I want to hunt a mammoth, I'm going to go home and sleep with my wife, and she's going to really enjoy it. We're going to bond, then we're going to have babies, it'll be great. We need that system, but for the modern era, whatever the mammoth is now, now it's loneliness

right now. The mammoth world hunting is emotional loneliness and isolation. If we can fight that together, you know what we're going to bond just fine too. How how familiar are you with Christopher? What's his last name? He wrote the book Sex at Dawn. Are you familiar with this? A bit. I've heard it in passing.

Tell me about it. Okay. Well, I just I thought maybe you would, I mean, obviously they, this is where they compare humans to like Bonobo. Yeah, oh yes, okay, that's, and it's become kind of the open relationship manifesto. I hear you.

And my wife and I actually read it together. I thought it would be a great challenging book for us to listen to together. And it was, created great dialogue between the two of us. The takeaway we didn't get what we got from it was not, let's add more people to our relationship. We didn't get that. What we got more was it Chris who? Ryan.

Chris Ryan, there it is. Well, we got from it was a better understanding of some of these natural instincts that we have and a better understanding of each other that were uniquely different and I have the we each have a different way of looking at sex and wanting sex some of the stuff you're talking about, which is what made me think about this. And I was just curious if you are familiar with kind of that philosophy and then why there's this huge movement to, you know, very much so. Yeah, the name didn't click, but yes, the binobo chips. So I'm much more interested in Franz DeWal's work with the sex and power among the primates.

So he talked about this extensively, especially with chimpanzee troops. We humans, we seem to map better onto chimpanzees than we do binobos. Yes, binobos have those features, and they're right there close. But many of our bad behaviors that we have in an unstable environment or in an overly comfortable environment sometimes can mimic bonobos, but we have massive negative features that happen to that. Otherwise, we wouldn't have 11-year-olds committing suicide at epidemic rates that no one wants to talk about, right?

That doesn't happen with bonobos. They're a little bit different from us, but we are built much more like the chimpanzee troops that are out there. Their biology seems to reward them in the same way that our biology rewards us for the social behaviors, for the power dynamics, for those pieces of control. For example, male chimps who are at the top, at the top of the pyramid, the most dominant and strongest, they are not horrible nightmare tyrants. They are the most likely to comfort the other chimps when they're scared.

They're the most likely to be the first in the battle to protect their families. They're the most likely to stop an argument among the other chimps. They're the most likely to have some sort of clear code of conduct that the other chimps then map onto and follow so that they can have a structured society. We are much more like chimps than we are bonobos. So I've heard plenty of people say, well, you know, I don't have to be faithful in my wife because bonobos, somewhere out there is a bonobo chimp. And I've heard that all the time.

If we didn't have that in us though, I don't think monogamy would be one of the, the driving factor in almost every culture on human history that has ever existed. I don't think monogamy is going the way the dinosaurs. I don't think it's necessary for every human being necessarily, but I think there's a reason that's been present everywhere that humans have existed.

Yeah, and by the way, back to the chim thing, a tyrannical chimple leader, eventually the lower level chim's organizing X-Do. They do. There's a whole subclass of chim's just outside. They usually call them the betas, the beta males on the outside. They're not like we would understand beta males of sub. They are soci they are sociopaths almost genetic sociopaths who live on the outside they flick rocks at the other chimps they try to establish dominance hierarchies of their own

and they will kill him they'll structure and kill him if he's a tyrant beating them up but they'll also try to take from him and steal from him all the time and mock him throw pebbles at him try to sleep with his girlfriends, kind of thing. They will constantly pick. They're almost genetic sociopaths whose only purpose is to make sure that the leader at the top is pure in his being. It's the guys outside who test the king continuously and keep the king honest. Human society is quite similar to my brother. Yes.

You have to think that you have a criticism of this and I'd love to hear it. In the last decade or so, we have praised the dating apps as, you know, one in three marriages, now two in three, like the amount of people that find connection in love to these dating apps. But I've recently heard some critiques of it. And I'd love to hear what maybe your critiques of dating apps are. Yeah.

So in 1995, about 60% of all couples who got together met through family and friends. 1995, that was what, 20, 30 years ago. It's a long time. Now the research shows that about 50 to 60% of couples meet through dating apps. It is actually reversed. And only a tiny sliver, maybe 20 to 25%

still meet through family and friends. Now that some people will look at that and will say, well, dating apps have just replaced that. That's, we just have to use dating apps from now on. And I'm not discounting that some dating apps can be helpful. Some people get married and have wonderful relationships. But what that tells me, map that now on to the stat that shows that with millennials,

up to 30% of millennials are so crushingly alone every day that they're reporting suicidal thoughts. And that's just so suicidally alone. It's up to 50, up to 60% of millennials are having just ongoing constant loneliness. The problem isn't that dating apps are solving a problem and making us freer. The problem is that we are so wretchedly miserable, we are even willing to put up with beating strangers online that women would never do biologically and just go find a stranger kind of thing. That's death. We need to build a system where people have tighter family and friend relationships where they're built on love and connection and trust. And then

you could say, Hey, if you know anybody, you, you know people, find me someone who's suitable for me. And if you have five people out there searching their networks for you, and she has five people out there searching her networks for her, you're going to connect to those quiet girls who are at home who don't have, you haven't slept with 800 guys, they don't have it only fans, they live at home, they're nice and quiet and they're saying I wish my husband walked through the front door right now and marry me. Those are the girls that most guys are out there looking for, but she's behind gatekeepers and she wants you to come pre-vetted and everything built in and you have to build through your

social network. That's what humans are supposed to do. Are the dating apps okay? Well, sort of. Is there a better method? Yes. Yeah, I almost feel like the dating apps also produce this issue here where it's like, you know, when I was a kid, I had VHS types at home. And if I wanted to watch a movie, I had my 15 favorite movies and I'd always have something to watch. Now I get on Netflix and, you know, Prime and Hulu and sometimes I'm like searching for 30 minutes to give up. There's nothing to watch.

There's nothing to watch. There's too much stuff and maybe I'll find something better type of deal. I wonder if it's creating that with some people. Or people stop right in the middle. They say, I'm not into this and they click to the next thing. I'm not in the click and click and click, dating app same thing, right?

Your date is basically the condom. You put it on, you do your business, you throw it away. That's what a lot of people are getting used to. And then that separates into two different camps. Some people say, oh, this is great. I never have to connect to another human being. I'll just get my needs met. And some people say, this is so miserably unhappy.

I hate this. Is there anything else that's better? And those are the men and women who come to me and say, all right, Adam, teach me about attachment. How do I find a husband? I have so many women coming to me. Adam, How do I find a husband? I have so many women coming to me. Adam, how do I find a husband who is just honest, who just works a job, who wants to have a family,

and is just gonna be with me and have low drama. And those, these women are flooding into me in my DMs, my emails, if anyone out there wants some numbers, let me know. But these women are overwhelmingly coming in, saying, I want to meet a man that I can get married with and have babies with. I just want him to be honest. He can be a sort of average. I just want an honest man. I can trust. And there's guys out there saying no, those women don't exist. Those women because they're used to the porn. Are you standing this porn? They're used to only fans. They're used to dating apps. They're used to seeing that that cluster of women who are invisible in public, who are visible, not the invisible women hurt home.

I've also read that one of the drivers, because the male experience when you're dating is lots of rejection. Oh, it's horrible. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing. Like, you're at a party or at a dance, even when you're a kid. And it's usually the girls sitting around

and they're waiting for the guy to ask them. And the guy knows he has to go ask them. And you're gonna get a bunch of nose and it's scary nobody wants that but I've heard that a lot of that motivation King come from our own sex drive or own desires, but when we're when we're you know on pornography and Social media and that drive is gone to go out and take those risks So a lot more men or young men are just not going out to do any of that because they lose that that motivation that drive There's that too, but they also don't believe it's possible the dating situation for men is a nightmare right now Did you know the US population is about 52% female and 48% male?

The odds are very good that you should find not just one but perhaps two women out there right odds are very good But the women section themselves away behind gatekeepers and wait for someone to come find them through their systems so they can, you can come pre-vetted. The women who are out in the wild that you see are the women who are so broken or so alone, they have to find strangers. And then it becomes a meat market. You send her a DM, if they're, then it's like 10 guys to one woman. You get on the dating apps, it's almost 10 to one. So she is flooded with every day, 300 DMs.

Hey babe, hey, you want to give me head? Hey, how you doing? Hey, I'll make you happy. Hey, how are you doing? Like, it's just endless messages and then it becomes a meat market of you desperately trying to get yourself out there. I help guys tune up their profiles and tune up their behaviors and it helps, but you are chasing an endlessly small pool of women who don't know how to connect and are just as terrified of you as you are of them

Was that look like in terms of a male profile that you have them kind of a describe like their bio or picture? Yeah, do you have an example? Oh, absolutely absolutely so plenty guys go on right? It's the shirt and the flexing or it's just a whole the fish It's the shirt and the flexing. Or it's just cold to fish. Yeah, exactly. Or it's them just looking nice like a school day photo or something, something weird. Like guys think like this will make me look interesting.

Women aren't necessarily looking interesting. It's a good professional photo that shows you have money for a professional photo that you are dressed decently like a respectable man, right, who is a little bit masculine and you have some sort of presence about you. You're looking at the camera, you're not necessarily smiling, but you're not scowling, you're taking care of,

that's generally what they're looking for. It's that first impression. Then your profile, what job is somebody applying for with you, and what does your resume look like if they want to hire you? Most guys go on their profile, make themselves look fun. No, go on there and say, hey, I'm looking for a long term committed relationship with the right woman. Instantly, you're in the top 10% of men right there because

that's what most women want, but they think you're lying. So now you have to come in and say, here's some things about me that make me secure and stable. Here, you know, I've been working at this job for X number of years. I've got a lot of good friend relationships. I am here looking for a committed partner who's gonna take love seriously and might be thinking about a family down the road. You put on that on your dating profile and then you got a decent picture of yourself, not looking haggard like he has crawled out of the shower,

but looking decent. And then when you're in the DMs, you send her a message and say, hey, you know what? You look really interesting to talk to. Tell me a little bit more about yourself. And you pop into a conversation with her instead of playing a game with her. If you pop in trying to play a game, hey baby, how you doing?

Hi, I'll make you so happy. No, that's not what they want. You pop in and have a discussion with them and they relate. You start a relationship instantly and she might respond to that, especially if all this other stuff is lined up. Not a dick pick. Yeah, yeah. Make your profile dick pick and then your bio is just dick. It would be a fun. It would be such a fun study actually to do the same guy.

Yeah, no, if you actually took like 100 people and actually just took their profiles and just made those subtle tweaks on like the engagement. I bet there's a business. I bet there's like a higher meat. Now I did I was watching a YouTube video just the other day of a young man who did take himself as a profile it was okay and then uh... gorgeous version of his profile and then he just did the most stupid things possible you'd message girls and say hey want to get me ahead just like crazy things and he got replies the good the the gorgeous profile got

a lot of replies from girls who were into the sex because he looked hotter and was taller but keep in mind these are probably not the women that you guys want to marry So again, what's the purpose of your relationship if it's just a smash through 30 or 40 women? Yes, okay, you need to look hotter. Yes, you need to have ten million dollars in the bank Yes, if you want a pile of naked women on you every night You need to look a certain way in there If you are looking for that one quiet woman who's sitting at home who is going to be

a good wife who wants to sit at home with you, wants to take care of your children. I have a wonderful wife like this. My wife would not respond to me on a dating profile. I said, hey, baby, I want to get some head. No, it would be, she came to be with me because love and commitment shared mutual values, right? Having honest discussions about what my shortcomings and challenges are and then what hers are, and if we can accept each other that way,

the mission that we're going to build together and then building that fulfillment, being a human being who is capable of building a committed relationship and was on the surface level that that's what I wanted. That's what gets most of these women's attention, especially late 20s, 30s. Let's talk a little bit about fatherhood because another area where I feel like there isn't great information just presented in media is just how to be a good dad. The data on fatherhood is actually quite dismal, right? Over half of children are raised without fathers.

Should I say in a single parent household, the vast majority of them being fathers that abandoned or on a round or maybe pushed out, whatever. And we're not often taught how to be good dads because we don't either have dads or our dads were there and working all the time, what are the characteristics of a good father? I mean, you're raising kids, like, you know, what are the things you need to work on or do to really be the kind of father that a child needs?

Absolutely. You need to provide four things as a father. Four things. I was just on with a client just the other day. He said, Adam, I'm 40 years old. I don't know how to be a man. Help me be a man. I said, okay, you got kids. Yes, let's start there. Four things that a father and husband must provide. Number one is resources. Yes. You have to feed your children. You have to have a roof, right? Water, food, shelter, safety, basic resources. Number two is security, right? Provide and protect security, not just physical security, but emotional security.

If they get hurt, can they come to you for help or do you smack them for getting too close when they're scared? Can they come to you and feel safe when they even need? Can they come to you and feel safe, right? Security with you as a father number two Number three is stability are you disciplined? Are you emotionally disciplined? So you're consistent you're understandable your believable you're predictable in a good way They can predict you so they can build a life around you right are you stable in that regard?

Do you provide that stability and not only that but their mother, so the family will not break up. Do you keep a stable household, right? Number four is love. Do you do all of this, not just with a mechanical mindset of fine. I'm going to take care of you. Yeah, I guess the state says I have to. Do you seek the true, true goodness for that child? What is truly best for that human being or for your wife?

Do you truly do all of the work that you do for their absolute goodness? Not as a selfless doormat, but as a man who is giving that love. Those are the four things a man must give to his family. I've read with the, you mentioned stability, and I know a lot of men initially think on stability of protection, like physical protection

and stability is like, okay, we got a house or whatever. We stopped there, yeah. But what I've read is that a child who doesn't know how dad's mood is gonna be, or how he's gonna react when I come to him, oh, is dad in a bad mood, is he gonna snap, is he gonna yell, is he unpredictable, that could raise a child to become hyper vigilant, to read other people's emotions.

So they're anxious, how's dad doing right now? Is he mad, is he what? And also, with themselves keeping their own Emotions because I don't know how people are asked. So I'm just gonna be like this and I'm never gonna let anybody know how I feel So you end up raising children who kind of become like that. Absolutely that that creates the world we're in now I can't trust anybody No one will ever love me and I have to be careful how I approach people if I even needs if I have to talk to them Let me constantly fluff and fluff and fluff and fluff.

Those are the girls that say, right, I'm going to have sex with this guy so he doesn't abandon me. Those are the guys doing doing chores, hoping his wife will take off her shirt and jump on top of him like a jungle predator and it will never happen because that's not how humans are built. Those are the kids that say I can never trust any human being. So I have to perform like a train circus brutal. how humans are built. Those are the kids that say, I can never trust any human being. So I have to perform like a train circus, and that's what that creates. If you as a father make your kids come to you, like that, you are setting them up for a lifetime of that. The way you present to your kids and listen to them and love them determines everything

about their life. You know, it's interesting about this, and I recommend this to dads listening because you'll learn a lot about yourself by doing this. I've been reading a lot about Savitodler. Toddlers are interesting, right? A lot of them. Very unpredictable. They're getting all these feelings.

They don't know how to cope with them, right? And through learning about them, I actually learn about myself and about my spouse and all that. But one of the things that I learned was sometimes, oftentimes when a toddler doesn't want to do something, we force them, Put your shoes on. No, you got to put your shoes on. What I learned was ask them why they don't want to wear their shoes.

What's weird about it is, I don't know, maybe one at a 10 times, they'll say something like this happened the other day. I told my son, put your jacket on, we're going outside. I don't want to wear my jacket. So I'll say, well, why don't you want to wear your jacket, buddy? One at a 10 times, it's happening yesterday. He goes, oh, well, I guess I wear my jacket and so I'll say, well, why don't you want to wear your jacket, buddy? One at a 10 times, it's happening yesterday, he goes, oh, well, I guess I'll wear my jacket.

Like 10% solved right there. Then the other nine times, then the other nine times, he's got a reason. Why don't you want to wear your jacket, buddy? Oh, I don't like the way it feels on my arms or I don't like that particular jacket. I don't want to wear another jacket. Or I'm not cold.

Oh, okay, you're not cold. I'll put the jacket here and then if you get cold, you can come wear it. Like, sounds silly to say this, but we don't do this at all, so. It's not silly, but it's not showing an interest in how the other person feels and why is a relationship. Most parents don't have relationships with their kids.

They manage their kids. Oh, that's a big one. That's it. You teach your children how to have relationships with each other by they manage their kids. Well, that's a big one. That's it. You teach your children how to have relationships with each other by how to be curious. That's brilliant. Exactly what you did right there. I do with my son.

Hey, why are you so mad today? What's going on with you today? And then, how can I help you solve that? Right? You're okay. Why don't you want to wear your jacket? Beautiful. Beautiful first step.

Okay. Well, then how about this? Can we provide some alternate solutions to that? Or here's some more data you might not have known. Like you're not cold right now, outside, why don't you open the door and stick your nose out there and see how cold it is, and you'll see how cold it is, then we'll talk if you wanna wear your jacket or not. That's what I do now, so take a step back.

Now I say that to him, say, hey go outside and check and see if you wanna wear your jacket or not. He's like, yeah, why don't wear my jacket? Exactly. Like totally avoided all this. Help them make their decisions by cooperating with them during conflict. When there's conflict, you cooperate,

you train your kids for good. When there's conflict and you push them or coerce or you explode, you're training them to never cooperate during conflict ever again. Train your children to be the adults you want to be with. Right, and that takes more work, but I feel like it takes less work later on. Yeah, it makes it easier later on.

Yeah, correct. I like where we're going. This is more like tactical stuff, which is where I want to eventually get with you. Before it. I'll never forget listening to this episode. I think it was Joe Rogan and Jordan Peterson who had this conversation where I heard it first. And it made a huge impact on me just the way I did something

tactically every single day going forward. And he used this analogy of how humans we plan these vacations that we're gonna, our summer vacation, it's a week long vacation and we spend all year thinking about that one week and the flights and the foods and where we're gonna go. And I mean, we spend months and months like planning this one little week of our life.

And he goes, yeah, you will every single day come home but I mean, we spend months and months like planning this one little week of our life. And he goes, yeah, you will every single day come home from work and greet your wife and kid the first 15 minutes, you know, and he did the math on the time what that is. And it's like, and yet you don't even think about the way you do that. And so I've made this behavior of when I come leave here

and I go home, that I kind of stop and pause in the car. Especially I know if I'm in a, you know, off the phone from work, or I'm frustrated because something here and to like really become present, decouple myself from that stuff, and then enter the door with a different attitude if I need to switch that.

And that's been huge for me, a tactical thing I've done. What are some things like that that we can be to be better fathers and better partners like that are like tactical things that everybody should kind of proud of. I had a good friend just very recently asked me,

out of my work from home, and I have to constantly check in with my child and check out for a good work and check in with my child. And he said, sometimes I'm so burned out at the end of the day that I don't have anything to give my child, or I only approach them in work mode. And every man here and every married woman listening

of this knows men have work mode and then we have family mode, right? And you do not ever let those two touch because it'll be nuclear. So what I tell fathers, especially if you work at home is this, right? I worked an office job for a long time. You go, you get, you get ready in the morning,

you put on your office uniform, you know, I shirt, you have your briefcase, you go out the front door, you do your commute, then you drive home, and then you get home, what's the first thing you do? You take off your uniform, you take off your suit, you take off whatever it is, you get rid of it, then you go on the bathroom and you wash your hands, you pee, you do, you have a ritual, right? This ritual forms an association of something is changing. I am shifting modes. So, fathers who work from home or fathers who have to switch circumstances, you must build rituals and associations of different uniforms. So, my advice to my friend was this, do you have jammy pants?

Comfortable put jammy pants. He said, yeah, I said half of you were, not that often because I just work and then I go and fall down in bed and my regular clothes, okay. Every day at a certain time, you're going to stop, you're gonna take off your jeans and you're gonna put on these pajama pants. During that time, do you ever stop, wash your face, clean up? No, I don't do that because I'm not out on it. Okay, you're gonna stop, but on your jambi pants,

you're gonna wash your face with cold water. You're gonna take a couple deep breaths and then you're gonna walk out and play with your child. And what's this gonna do? The first couple of times, it's gonna feel weird. After about a week, you're just gonna take a couple deep breaths and then you're going to walk out and play with your child. And what's this is going to do? The first couple of times is going to feel weird. After about a week, you're just going to become a ritual. After that, your brain is going to say, okay, I'm switching modes, switching from work mode to dad mode.

And it's in the same living room where you just conducted a meeting. But now you're going to play ponies with your daughter. And that right there, build associations. If you have to do that with your wife to get into the sexy mode with your wife, if she needs to do that, whatever your rituals are, build rituals into your daily life that help you switch modes. It is so much easier that way. You know what?

There's data to support, quite a bit of data to support what you're saying. For example, if you, you're trying to remember something, you forget, just walking into another room can trigger the memory because you changed environments. I see this with my sales people where I, you know, things got kind of, you know, energies low, whatever, I'd have them change desks and I'd change the sales pit or whatever,

and you'd see more of this, like, it's like you're changing into a new role. So I love this, I do this, actually, I mean, I didn't realize what I was doing, so that's what I'll come home and oftentimes I'll do that. I'll, and I don't, I'm wearing comfortable clothes, like I'm wearing like a suit's what I'll come home and oftentimes I'll do that. And I don't, I'm wearing comfortable clothes, like I'm wearing like a suit, but I'll just like change my pants into sweats

and get out of the shirt. And it does feel like I'm switching into a whole new, whole new mode. 100%. That's really, really cool. You know, another realization I had a while ago, which I wish I had earlier was how, sometimes I'd love your opinion on this,

or just thoughts. When you have your young kids and they're playing and they're off playing on their own, sometimes you're like, oh, they're playing over there, I'm just gonna be on my phone and work. And I don't remember where I heard this somewhere and I thought, you know, I'm just gonna get off my phone and just watch them.

And I didn't realize how many times my kid checked to see if I was watching them. It's amazing. Yeah, yeah, it's like just being there is such a big deal. I had a moment with my kids where I realized I had to do that more because I was playing I just do my work, right? We all do work from our phones and my kids started playing this game where they would check their emails and they would just be checking their emails on their phone on a

pretend phone and they would just sit there and be checking their phone, on a pretend phone, and they would just sit there and be checking their emails and okay, now I'm talking to people, and it was, they were like, two, three, four, mimicking you, mimicking me, and then I'm like, okay, I'm gonna get my bag, now I'm going to the office, and they're mimicking me in what they see, and I didn't really like what I saw.

I wanted to see like, okay, daddy comes in plays with kids, daddy comes in does this, so I had to shift from, okay, daddy comes and plays with kids. Daddy comes and does this. So I had to shift from, okay, at this point, phone goes over here, got a wicker basket, phone goes into the wicker basket, phone is no longer visible for us, okay? Now I'm gonna get down on the floor and play with my kids. Or, yeah, I'm gonna sit and just watch my kids, and I'm gonna talk to the mother playing and say, hey, what are you doing there? What's that?

Why has Godzilla punching Barbie in the face? Oh, that's why, okay, I would do that too, right? Like, whatever it is, you talk. And again, show interest in them. They're wanting to see if you are interested in them. They're wanting to see if they're worthy of your interest. Children are endlessly chasing this desire to be worthy of their, especially their father's interest.

And if you don't show interest, you are telling them they are unworthy of it. Oh, wow. How much of you, when you're, you know, counseling couples or someone in the relationship, do you have to speak to their relationship with the phone and social media? How often is that a topic? What do you find? Oh, phones are one of the biggest killers for sex because interestingly, one of the biggest complaints

I get from husbands is my wife is always on her phone. Well, yes, if you don't engage with her and ask her questions and talk with her and hold her hand and build the intimacy and build a relationship, then a phone is way more interesting than you're gonna be because it's a nightmare rectangle that you can stare into all the time

and watch the world degrade in real time, and then switch over to a dopamine machine that's just going to pump you up and make you feel great. And then it's just endless validation. So if you're not connecting with her as a human being, yeah, it's going to suck. But here's the thing is yes, your phone can flood you with dopamine, dopamine, dopamine, dopamine. It's the sugar button. It's the monkey punch in the button.

Dopamine is powerful when there's nothing else in it, when there's nothing else around it, when you're not getting the other chemicals, when you're getting oxytocin, and especially oxytocin combined with serotonin from good social interactions and good connections, the oxytocin is like heroin. If you think dopamine's addictive,

oxytocin will keep a woman in a bad relationship for 20 years. Dopamine is nothing compared to the power of oxytocin will keep a woman in a bad relationship for 20 years. Like, it, dopamine is nothing compared to the power of oxytocin. Oxytocin and then serotonin, which then as the oxytocin releases, you get GABA, Gamma, Immuno, Bioric Acid. Look that up.

And then you get also get vasopressin bonding. When you have the other four, dopamine is suddenly not anywhere near as interesting as suddenly that woman who was on her phone 14 hours a day. It's not a luring. She can't even find it. She's not even interested anymore.

Now she's all wrapped around you and curious about what you're doing and wanting to get your more attention, wanting to get a connect with you. Men who complain about their wife being on their phone have no idea how to meet their wife's needs. That's usually what it comes down to. Wow.

You know what you just talked about right now. So this is wild. So I've actually tested this. It's pretty interesting. So, because I kind of know this about the how powerful this phone can be like this. There'll be there'll be times and I've done this where I've teased it out to like be like, oh my god, I can really feel the difference here where my wife and I are going upstairs. If we go I know we're having sex when we go to bed before a certain time, right? We're going to the bedroom

at before nine o'clock. Like it's on for sure, right? So it's, we're heading there. I'm already like the rouse and the stimulator, she's getting in the shower, I'm totally in the mood. And then while I'm waiting for her to get showered, if I sit on the bed and I start scrolling through, Instagram with that, it'll actually kill the mood for me. I'm so aroused, I'm ready to go. And because I'm just kind of sitting there waiting,

I'm like, ah, let me get on my phone and like mess around on Instagram with that. All of a sudden, I can be sucked completely. And I don't give a shit. She comes out in her sexy outfit or whatever that. It'll pull me that far away from it. And simply either just sitting there, peacefully in my thoughts of her, I stay in the moment or what I'm flirting with her while she's finished up, makes a huge, huge difference.

Well, let me ask you though, how much of that time might you be looking at emails on your phone or are you doing something work related to your phone? Yeah. That's us men shifting back into work mode. Totally. Just kills everything. The male brain is larger, but it's more disconnected. So we have different regions of the brain.

Once any woman out there knows, men are laser-like focused. Once you shift to another part of your brain, it is so hard to shift back. So hard to shift back. So that's part of it. Your phone most part of it is your phone will shift. No, that's a big part, especially with me. I mean, we've nailed that in our relationship.

My wife knows to not ever. Talk about business. Talk about business. No, absolutely not. That is like a, that is an absolute, and even if she works for the company, so there's times where I will ask a question like, hey, how did that interview go? Someone said that, and she'll just look at me.

After I answer. She's like, I'm falling for that trap. Because you'll get up mid-sex and go to your desk. It just is. Yeah. Wow. So, you have four kids. They're all young.

You're saying, right, six is the oldest. Youngest is one. One. Yep. with you have four kids, they're all young. You were saying, right, six is the oldest, youngest is one. One, okay. And so how, let's talk about the role of the father during like pregnancy and right afterward, because those are very challenging, very challenging times, you know, a woman goes through,

I mean, she bears the burden of the physical changes, the hormonal changes, and then if she breast feeds, and afterward like she is like, very connected to child, and goes through lots of different things, what's the role of the man, a good, supportive husband in that situation? Let's come back in a minute to the breast feeding, because that actually connects deeply

with women who have attachment issues. They have massive breast feeding problems, which can lead to postpartum, lead to baby problems, then lead to actually, the baby having some attachment issues, just because she did from that. So we'll come back to that in a minute. But the role of a father in that area, same thing.

Resources, security, stability. That's a big one, right? Right, stability. I talked to the female client at the other day and I said, please forgive me for this analogy. But when women have children, right, they become very much like a bird on a nest. If a bird is on a nest, with an egg, she does not want to be moved.

She doesn't want the tree shaken. She doesn't want everything unstable. She wants everything perfectly, exactly still, so it will never move. Women who have children are about to have children. They want everything completely stable. Is this where the term nesting comes from? It is. They want to be nested and safe.

If she's in a tree that's shaking like this, her baby's gonna die, right? Women, as soon as the moment they become pregnant, they become so nested, they want stability. So suddenly the man that was fun and engaging and connected before, suddenly he's no longer a good enough man for them in their life and he needs to change. Instantly because now he needs to be stable, he needs to be calm, he needs to provide emotional

bonding to the child so the child doesn't grow up anxious, the child grows up fulfilled and ready to charge out into life and take life on and bond and connect and thrive. That's why women usually will become resentful toward the man that they used to adore after they have children, after the children are certain age, she'll start crumbling and angry at him. He'll become public enemy number one and she'll do anything to get him out of the home at that point. That's that 70% divorce static statistic for their 20 years in and they get divorced. That's the switch. She started off loving him and he never changed. She changed. Now what's hard about this, just talking to guys is that she wants stability, she needs

stability and I, part of it's to care for the child, but the other part of it is she's going through lots of unstable changes. Oh, man. So your challenge to be stable is even harder. It's horrible. It's it's it's talking about that It is it is people and talk about the difficulty of pregnancy for men for the for the guy who's going through it and living it and like I'm going out of a child. I remember the first time I I found out I was my wife was pregnant I remember finding out it was a son and I remember sitting there everyone else you know was gone. I remember sitting there thinking What the heck am I gonna do? I have to raise a son in this world.

Are you kidding me? And I was looking at dating apps, I was looking at all my psychology work, I was thinking, how am I gonna do this? Like, how am I gonna raise a boy in this world not to commit suicide, even just get him through the gauntlet of death. Most men, if you can make it to 25,

he probably won't die till he's 55, but the amount of death that happens to boys from 15 to 25 is overwhelming. So you have to get them through this gauntlet of death until they're 25 years old, and then they'll probably make it. And I just think, I remember thinking that, and then I remember my second child, my daughter was born. The first thing a man thinks is, how do I make sure she doesn't

become a stripper or a prostitute? Right? I don't want her to become a prostitute. How do I do that? And same thing of, well, no, how do I also make sure she doesn't get victimized? How do I make sure she's not going to become abused? How do I make sure she's safe? How do I make sure she's last of all? How do I make sure she's happy? And you almost feel like you can't. So the man is going through this overwhelming feeling, and if he doesn't believe anyone else on Earth is ever going to help him, now he is alone against the world. Yes, the carry is wife on his back, and he can't connect with her.

Right? You've talked about your first marriage. Can't connect with her. You now have to outthink your wife and convince her to stay locked on your back so you can carry her. Now you have to carry these babies on your back and you are utterly alone in this world where no one is ever going to help you. The pressure on men is overwhelming.

No wonder so many men crack with fatherhood. Yeah, yeah, those are the first, yeah, they tend to, I mean, if anyone's going to leave, it's the guy in that situation. So talk about the breastfeeding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to have to talk about the... Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. So women who have. Yeah, be honest. You're gonna have to talk about the... Absolutely, absolutely.

So women who have attachment issues will be very low oxytocin. So this will show up often. They'll have a difficulty orgasming, especially after the first year, they'll have difficulty with arousal, difficulty with feeling calm, difficulty with all kinds of things,

sometimes sleep difficulties. Now what happens is oxytocin, it entered into the earth in all species into mammals, especially to allow mammals to lactate. That's one of its biggest features, is to allow mammals to lactate. So women, when they give birth, to induce birth, we hit them with pitocin, which is an artificial version of oxytocin.

It makes them feel like oxytocin, and it creates contractions in the uterus, like it orgasms almost, and that pushes it out and that starts the labor process. Then, once the baby latches on, there's more oxytocin, and the oxytocin allows the milk to come out. It makes let down easier. So, a lot of women with attachment issues will have a difficult time giving birth. They usually have to be induced or they'll have to have a C-section. A number of things can happen there.

A very difficult birth experience can happen. But then what happens is the baby comes out. And after the first three to four weeks, suddenly she the baby can't drink anymore, because the oxytocin isn't there to let the milk come out. Baby is working over time trying to get the milk out, but it comes out as a milk supply issue. So the nurse will say, oh, you have a milk supply issue. You need to switch to formula. And the mom has all this insecurity and she says, I'm a terrible mother. I can't even do my basic job. I can't even feed my baby.

The baby gets jaundice. Now I am killing my baby because I'm such a bad mom. And my husband's going to abandon me because I'm proving that I'm worthless. And her insecurity is just overwhelmed her from the oxytocin being low. If you can fix her attachment before pregnancy, and if you can give her good oxytocin bonding, the husband giving her that oxytocin actually feeds your children amazingly well. And I've been very careful with my life as we've done that. So a little bit TMI, but she actually, one of her major things she does is donate a

lot of breast milk, because she's a hundred gallons or something like that. Wow, that's awesome. They actually wrote an article on her with the milk bank because she was the biggest donor they've ever had. Well, wow. Because I'm the attachment specialist. I'm great at giving up. But that is the quality that a husband and father can bring is you can help her feed

your child. The love that you give her feeds your child even before your child knows that's actually really cool trip. Yeah, that's wild What about like like that postpartum experience and postpartum depression? I mean, there's a whole there's a range right where you can be very extreme and scary or just mild, but still tough to deal with What about the man the husband's role during that in terms of support? Well, again, oxytocin will help her not stop any postpartum, but it will help avoid a lot of that, is what we've found is that the better the relationships are, the better her mental health is, we tie it all back to attachment, actually.

So if you can lead your wife into healthier attachment, the research shows that if a man converts to one religion from one religion to another, 90% of women will convert with another, 90% of women will convert with him. 90% of wives will convert to the religion with him. Interestingly, if she is even just, if you haven't burned her out yet and she doesn't have a severe personality disorder, the vast majority of men who come to me for coaching or they pick up my course or whatever it is, they fix their attachment. Even the most stubborn of wives will lead and follow, it'll follow right

into healthier attachment and a better relationship. Then they become more feminine, more kind. They get more oxytocin, more love, more bonding, and then she becomes the wife he always wanted. So during postpartum, you should be prepping in advance. That's, that's like, okay, you now are dying of starvation and cancer and all these other things from smoking. Clean up, clean up your health, help your wife, build better attachment, build better connection, and lead into. 100%.

100%. And then during, you have built an amazing relationship that if she feels challenges, so many women with postpartum, they come in and they say, I didn't think I could tell anyone how I was feeling, I didn't think I could admit how I was feeling, I felt so alone, I felt no one would help me, I felt I was a bad mom, I felt I was feeling. I didn't think I could admit how I was feeling. I felt so alone. I felt no one would help me. I felt I was a bad mom.

I felt I was gonna ruin everything. If you build that in where she can share some of those fears and concerns with you and then you solve them together, it avoids so much of that postpartum issue too. Were there things that you were doing? Cause you obviously knew this ahead of time. So were there like specific things that you said to your wife or asked your wife?

Oh yeah. Okay, so here's the technique that I teach. I'm gonna teach you guys. Everybody that comes into me for coaching. I teach them what I call the state of the the state of the union meeting, right? It's very masculine, but every single during difficult times every week and during peaceful times every month, the husband and the wife should get together or the boyfriend and girlfriend or whoever it is, get together and say, how are you feeling in our relationship so far? How are you feeling in our relationship so far? You can put a number on it. You can say on a scale of one to 10, how satisfied are you in our relationship right now? And most guys, your balls are already shriveling just thinking about asking you that question.

And women too, because they're afraid, like, if I ask that question, it opens up all the problems and then we'll see that it's I ask that question, it opens up all the problems and then we'll see that it's unsolvable and we will break up on the spot. That's most people they don't want to talk about their relationship or how the other person feels. When you stop and say, how are you feeling about our relationship, right?

Scale of one to 10. And the only other question you're allowed to ask is, how do we help you go up by one point? One point, most guys will jump to it. How do we go to 10? How can we help you go up one point? Here's what's gonna happen will jump to it. How do we go to 10? How can we help you go up one point? Here's what's going to happen. If she doesn't think you're going to pursue her in demand answers, you say, Hey, babe, you know, where are you at? Where are

you at this week with our relationship satisfaction? Why? She might say, you know, I meant like a six out of 10. If she's honest, she'll tell you like a six out of 10. You don't say why? You don't do that. She'll never answer you again. You say, okay, 610. How do I help you? How do we together help you go up one point? By doing this, you have already helped to go up one point because you have asked and you now care enough to ask. So you've already helped to go up one point.

She will give you an answer, like something small. Usually it's top of mind, like I just feel like really overwhelmed by being a mom, I'm a postpartum, I'm really overwhelmed by this. I'm afraid of this, it's not you, it's me, I am feeling disconnected from you, I don't feel like I'm useful to you, I feel like whatever it might be, she'll tell you something. And you say, okay, so what do you need for me? And you guys can work on a solution, you know, right?

Men are amazing at this. This is where you bring in the solutions, you sign it, and you say, okay, would this help? Yes, it would. And then you verbally commit, okay, I'm going to do that. I will do that for you. Now you've helped her go up a second point. Now you've improved things. And then you actually follow through on it

and you get a third point. This is the easy, easy. Yeah, nine now. Now you're nine. You've gone from six. Most guys are like, oh, she's at six, man. I hope we don't get divorced. Then you've gone up to nine with one conversation

and you have this conversation during tense periods, you have them every single week on Saturday night or whatever, or during peaceful times, you make sure you don't stop, you have them during peaceful times once a month. Think if you were running a business, you don't never have a meeting unless things are on fire, you have routine meetings and check-ins

and say, where's everybody at? Does anybody need help? Hey, where are you at? Are you having any challenges? How can I help you with that? How can we as a team to solve that? Okay, where's everybody at? Does anybody need help? Hey, where are you at? Are you having any challenges? How can I help you with that? How can we as a team solve that? Okay, everything's great. That's even better news.

Thank you guys. What can we do to celebrate that this week? Have business meetings with your wife and run your marriage like a business, and it's gonna thrive. Well, so a lot, some of the stuff that you're saying, I can only imagine to some people, especially men, might sound uncomfortable. Yeah.

You got to talk, you got to share this, you got to do that. Like, oh, nobody men, might sound uncomfortable. You gotta talk, you gotta share this, you gotta do that, like, oh, nobody ever did that with me. This seems really weird. I gotta imagine though, you just gotta start and with practice, it just becomes more and more comfortable. Absolutely, most men, it's death first. Like, I will die before I do that, Adam. Why would you ask me to do that?

But most of them, it's because I haven't, we haven't prined them yet, right? Like, you can collaborate with your wife to build a better, brunt marriage. It's not going to fall apart by talking about the problems. You talk about the problems and she actually wants to fix them with you. You just have to work together to fix the problem.

That writes, if you can establish that, then most men will say, okay, I'm only gonna maybe think about it. Then you say, here's the exact solution. Here's how to get through it. And you're gonna cooperate. And then they try it, and it works, and I'm like, okay,

you try it with something little, then you build up to bigger things and bigger things, and once men see it working, you can't stop them from doing this, because they love it so much. You, one last thing, maybe a bit of a personal question. I have something personal selfish too, so I know what you're gonna do.

I get these all the time. It's all the time. This is gonna be a top of your head personal. You have four kids, you said they're homeschool. Why homeschool? Why did you choose? That's the direction we're gonna go with our younger ones. 100%.

People ask me all the time, aren't you afraid that they won't be socialized like everybody else? And I say, that is the point. That is the point. Now, see if you think you're gonna be homeschooled so you're gonna lock them in your barn and never let them outside to see the point. Now, see if you think you're going to be homeschooled, so you're going to lock them in your barn and never let them outside to see the sky. No, homeschooling co-ops are amazing.

You can build those systems in, building intentional systems in, like we have had for millions of years, right? Well, hundreds of thousands of years with us. If you build those systems in, on purpose, your kids thrive. They have social networks. They build great social skills. You can teach them skills, everything. with us. If you build those systems in on purpose, your kids thrive. They have social networks, they build great social skills. You can teach them skills. Everybody else can come in, you raise your kids together. When you build it that way, that's how humans

have always done it. The public system that we have right now is, it's just not good, especially for boys. If you put your boy in school, the odds are right now, one in seven little boys is medicated for an ADHD Specifically, and a lot of schools the teacher will diagnose your child then go to the principal and say if you don't put your child on meds We will expel you. We will expel your child because he is not on the meds We have diagnosed him with so find a doctor who agrees with our diagnosis and will medicate him immediately and then provide proof that you are Medicating him every day speaking of you medicating, and this might be a little controversial, but the data on the amount of children that now are going through gender,

you know, transition or medication or hormone therapy in that regard is it has exploded. And I hear arguments from both sides. That's because it's more accepted. And then I also hear, well, this is maybe a social contagion. What do you think is going on? Is it an extreme form of body dysmorphia? Is it that they're just vulnerable? And this is a new ideology? Do you have any opinions on this?

I do. So I get this question a lot from the right and from the left. Everybody wants to ask that question. I get it all the time. And what I say is this, we will not know what is nature and what is nurture until we get ourselves to a place where we are raising kids

with fully healthy attachment, and their needs are met and taken care of. And then we can say, okay, this is how you actually are. Great, we'll take care of that, or the problem will be solved if it's not how it is. Either way, we need to fix the attachment first and see what shakes out after that. Yeah, very good.

That's a good answer. Did you have something before I asked myself? You go ahead. I'm not. Okay, so this is kind of weird actually. No, don't I get these all the time? I feel like I should have a cigar. Like before.

Tell me about your mother. We're fine. This is like reverse. Actually, so I've actually been building this list. This is actually long before even the U.K. So, okay, my wife and I have been together for 12 years now. And so, as you can imagine, any 12 year probably, relationship,

there's peaks and valleys, and we happen to be at one of the most amazing times in a relationship. I mean, at all aspects, laughter, play time together, sexes through the roof, all the positive things you could possibly think of. And I actually made a point that I said, you know what we should do?

Because we both agree with this, right? And we do this kind of check-in, like you say, like almost once a month, her and I will be like, you know what we should do? Because we both agree with this, right? And we do this kind of check-in, like you say, like almost once a month, her and I will be like, you know, how are you feeling? Am I meeting your needs, vice versa? And we both agreed, oh my God, it's never been better. So I said, you know what we should do? Instead of just ignoring that and being saying,

high five, each other and going, I said, we should make a list or ask our questions about like all of the things that are in our own. And I was thinking of things that I thought that would affect that. For example, my relationship with my family, how's my diet, how's my relationship with my exercise, my money, my business partners, and my reading and growing at the time. So do you have some things to add to that list that I should... If I'm going really good, what should I be asking...

What should we be asking ourselves? Two things. Well, that's it, two fuck, I had like 15 in here. So this, no, this will be simple. I'm gonna make it real simple. Okay. Where are you oxytocin bonding with her? And where are you vasopressin bonding with her?

Okay. So the research shows the couples who stay together the longest renew their vasopressin bond every couple of months or every year. So the vasopressin is we are a team, we solve problems together. So many times when the wife gets cancer and the dude spirals off and has an affair with the secretary, it's because they were not vast suppressant bonded together. So the problem hit and his brain went, I'm going to solve this alone, I'm going to feel

better over here. Wow. When you've asked the press and bond together routinely by doing escape rooms or building a deck together or solving challenges together doing escape rooms or building a deck together or solving challenges together or doing something cool as a team or building a business together. When you build that press and bond on purpose,

the man is 100% invested. And he's all in because he trusts her with his life. So when a problem hits, he will go to her and solve the problem together. She will too, but here's the other thing is oxytocin then. That opens the door for the man to want to emotionally bond with her,

because he trusts her with his life, but then it opens the door for her to feel safe and secure with oxytocin money. So many men forget that when you're driving when your wife, you should hold her hand. If you're gonna watch Netflix together, have her lean against you and get body to body contact. After sex, have what we call after care.

This is the biggest moment of oxytocin bonding right here. Snuggle a little bit, right? We laugh at women for wanting to snuggle after sex, but they are flooded with oxytocin and then having skin to skin contact floods you with even more oxytocin. The hospital that I gave birth to my wife gave birth to our children and they were born in.

They make them husband, they make the father, take off your shirt, and have skin to skin context. That's such a great hospital. Nobody taught me that. Actually, I had my younger ones, and I read about them like, why didn't anybody? No, they require it. They say, you will do this.

And if you say, I don't know if I'm ready, they're like, no, you are. And they'll rip your shirt off, and they shove the baby onto you, and it's skin to skin contact. And you actually can kind of like, if you can relax into it, it feels weird, but you kind of like,

well, you kind of feel the closeness. It is so important to have oxytocin bonding routinely with your wife on purpose. Schedule it. We schedule everything else. And then we try to kind of think about time with our wife. It's like, well, I can probably get a blowjob. No, hold hands.

Talk, spend time together, physical contact outside of sex, and then physical contact after sex. Do that on purpose, and you'll find that you like each other more, so that when you get to any other problems, it's super easy to solve them, because you already like each other. So you saying that makes me go,

and then trying to unpack, right, what I've been trying to piece together is, we're probably doing a lot of that in the months right now, and that's why. And then feeding both those areas pretty well. And that's why you are keeping a lot of that in the months right now. And that's why. And then feeding both those areas pretty well. And that's why you are keeping a list of things to do to make the relationship better. That is a sign that you are actually doing the things great

because you're keeping a list of how to make things even better. Wow, wow. Very cool. That's cool. All right, you're trying to just them. Hit me. Well, I just was actually curious as you take,

because you know how psychedelics have kind of made this resurgence. And it kind of goes back. I think when I was listening to your initial, like the core of what you're trying to get at, in terms of like peeling back all the onions and like addressing like your childhood sort of trauma and all that stuff, like what are your opinions on now,

like that being incorporated into therapy? Also, what are the dangers of people like recreationally using them? 100%. So I have plenty of clients who come in who say, Adam, I'm coming to you because a year ago, I did psychedelics in Israel and it didn't fully solve problems,

but it did help a little bit. Psychedelics and microdosing and things, what I have found with clients, I don't do that with them, but clients who come in and have had that experience is it shakes up their brain chemistry, so they are willing to question everything. Instead, at the beginning of this conversation, I said attachment works this way,

gravity makes things fall down, water is wet, and I'm an unlovable piece of crap that no one will ever care for. Right? When you do psychedelics, you don't trust gravity anymore. You don't trust water anymore. And also you start thinking like, maybe I'm having been thinking about relationships

quite the right way. When you come out of the experience, your brain chemistry is so shaken up, you don't go back into the same patterns immediately. So a lot of people chase them in a new idea. And then they say, well, even being open to psychedelics, I wasn't open to that before, but then I wasn't.

It kind of helped. What else might be out there? Then they start studying. Then they listen to podcasts. The biggest, biggest driver of coaching and things like that for me is people hear me out of podcasts, contact me and say, Adam, I need to work with you right now.

And I say, okay, great. But the reason for that is because they've done something unusual and now they're trying to learn from other people, but other solutions are out there. That's the male brain and female brain, sometimes, healing and saying, I need data from other people. I'm gonna plug back into the network,

I'm gonna pull the collective unconscious information into my brain, and I will find my solution. And that's so many people, guys right now, if you're a lot listening to this, then you're crapping your pants, you have just learned about attachment, and that's how that works. Awesome, yeah, that's great. It's a great, great man. Yeah, we gotta have you have just learned about attachment and that's how that works.

Awesome. That's a great man. Yeah. We got to have you back on at some point. Yeah. I'd love to. Yeah, I'm sure you'll appreciate what you do and I can tell that you really find a lot of meaning in what you do.

So it's the core of my life and it's the core of my family too. Awesome. Thanks for coming on. Appreciate it. Thanks. Thank you for listening to Mind Pump. If your goal is to build and shape your body, dramatically improve your health and energy, and maximize your overall performance,

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