Miss Me? - Listen Bitch! A Wasted Opportunity

Episode Date: July 8, 2024

Lily Allen and Miquita Oliver answer your questions about revenge. What are their best revenge stories? Do they believe that revenge is a dish best served cold? Have they ever been victims of revenge porn?Next week, we want to hear your questions about FLIRTING. Please send us a voice note on WhatsApp: [phone]. Or, if you like, send us an email: [e-mail] episode contains very strong language and adult themes. Credits: Producer: Jonathan O’Sullivan Technical Producer: Will Gibson Smith Production Coordinator: Hannah Bennett Executive Producers: Dino Sofos and Ellie Clifford Assistant Commissioner for BBC: Lorraine Okuefuna Commissioning Editor for BBC: Dylan Haskins Miss Me? is a Persephonica production for BBC Sounds

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. on Rogers Internet. Visit rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. This episode of Listen Bitch contains strong language and adult themes and nastiness.

I mean, obviously, it's Listen Bitch. Welcome to Listen Bitch. I love Listen Bitch. It's my favourite time of the week with you. Is it? Yeah. You prefer Listen Bitch to the meaty drop? Uh, no, I prefer... Controversial.

Oh God, that's tricky. No, I think they're both important. But I prefer Listen Bitch to like some of our more boring FaceTimes. There you go. Wow. Wow.

The theme for this week is a particularly on brand for me. Revenge! Not to be confused with sabotage, because obviously we did sabotage a few weeks ago, and I was like, oh God, is it the same thing? No, it's not the same.

Everyone ready for the new history segment of Listen Bitch? I have some great stories of revenge through the ages. What do you want to hear, Boudicca? Why don't we wait until somebody asks the question and then you can... No, I want to get us into a place where we really remember just how crazy revenge can be. Let me get my notes. So basically, they rape her children and whip her after killing her dad. This is the Romans.

And this is a time where they were murdering women to the point of beheading them and sticking their torsos on stakes around the city. This is a time of great violence and danger for women. And within this environment and this culture, Boudicca goes and gets a fucking army and comes in and comes for them. Doesn't win, but comes for them. And I think that's how we're going to start revenge this week.

Don't test a bitch. Listen, bitch. Shall we have our first question? Yeah, go on then. This is Gemma from Essex. Massive, massive fan. I've been waiting to send a voice note in. So, revenge.

So I think there might be something wrong with my family. We have a very strange sense of revenge one of my favorites was at university when a housemate refused to clean the downstairs bathroom that he only used and so popped in there for a wee skid marks everywhere so I just had a little scrub around with his toothbrush one of my mum's best ones someone tried to rip off my younger brother selling something on depop and A pair of trainers, I believe. So I posted them a huge shoebox full of dog poo. I would

love to hear what your most disgusting acts of revenge are. Love you, bye! So it seems to be a poo theme running through your family's ways of revenge. If for your family it's always a box of shit or a toothbrush covered in shit. Disgusting revenge revenge can we tell

other people's stories is that allowed well if you can't come up with your own i guess you have to because otherwise it's going to be a pretty boring show sorry friends and family i might have to start outing you lot this girl that we knew didn't she kill some birds oh my god that was fucking amazing bring them to milo's house and dog shit and smeared the blood of the birds. No, I lived there at the house at the time, right? So it was me, my friend Robbie and Rob and Milo. I think Milo lived there. He must have lived there because otherwise why would she have done it?

He was in and out. Anyway, he parked his car on the terrace, which was outside the house. And he'd broken up with this girl and she came over in the middle of the night his car was unlocked or she had a key it was kind of like pretty amazing she like got all of the rubbish from like all of the houses on the street and like filled up his whole car so that you couldn't see through one side to the other. Wow. Like the whole thing was full of rubbish. And I think she pissed and shat on the two front seats. Jesus Christ!

And then put some dead pigeons on there as well. It was a sight to behold. You had to give it to her. That is the specific type of crazy. Hate the girl. Terrible human being but creative fucking genius when it comes to machiavellian acts of revenge and actually i've never done anything that crazy so sorry uh i just i doubt someone else do we have to say allegedly or will we get sued? I don't think that it can be libel if it's true. There you go.

We win. Next question, please. Hi, Lily Makita. My name's Matt. I'm calling from Australia. Love the podcast and both of you. On the topic of revenge, I left a really toxic relationship earlier last year and my ex, who now has a new partner,

continues to reach out to me every couple of weeks um tries to engage and is definitely not doing the right thing by his new partner but on the idea of revenge would you think it was a good idea to maybe let the new boyfriend know what's happening or to just let the past stay in the past and let them figure it out for themselves. Always curious to hear your thoughts. Thanks. Oh, the tricky, tricky line between revenge and karma. Tricky dicky.

This is so tricky because there is, of course, the saying, revenge is a dish best served cold and I thought that meant that uh if your intent it's about intent if your intent with the revenge is to feel really good and like you got something back and that they got theirs usually I don't think you'll get what you want I think if your intent is oh I don't really you'll get what you want. I think if your intent is, oh, I don't really care, but they happen to find out that he was cheating. Maybe I spoke about it a little too loudly at a party where the friend might hear about it.

And then you get on with your life and then you find out that he found out. But it's like if all your heart's in it, then it's not really good revenge. Does that make sense? Kind of. Okay. Let me just say it really more succinctly the reason they say revenge is a dish best served cold is because before you decide on your revenge you should cool down first okay all right okay yeah that makes more sense so like in the heat

of the moment your revenge might not be so exact and executed so well so take a step back because he's contacting you every three weeks right take a step back and then in six months if you want to out that fucker do it do it lily you would just tell wouldn't you would i just oh fucking big mouth over here would just tell listen i don't know who you're calling big mouth okay first of all actually i am a kind of keep myself to myself kind of a person. You, on the other hand, motor mouth. Radio Makita over there.

This is our 20s, by the way. Everything's different now. Would you tell him, Lil? Just don't get involved. It's messy. It's a mess. Yeah, actually, let it go. And it's not even that satisfying exactly

what's satisfying is knowing that he's still the same toxic bastard in his next relationship and you didn't lose anything yeah i actually feel like dr ruth now that was really good advice oprah she's coming for you okay next question hi lilia Makita. This is Stephen from Tamworth, just outside Birmingham. Princess Diana famously wore her black Christina Stambolian revenge dress to get back at Prince Charles after he admitted cheating on her. Have you guys ever dressed for revenge to get back at somebody that wronged you love you bye-bye no what are you talking about who told you i've got such a good one but i just don't even know if i can say it why because the revenge was so good you don't want to like bait yourself up by being revenge in

the first place yeah okay okay okay okay okay i'm gonna tell you a long time ago i was like pretty strung out this is when i was managed by Elton John's company. And I'd been sent to his house in the south of France to like dry out for a couple of weeks. And while I was there, I got a phone call from somebody very famous at the time asking me if I could perform at a charity event that they were involved in.

She was asking me to sing a song with her boyfriend, who was a musician at the time. And I said, I'd love to, but it's next week and I haven't got any time to rehearse because I'm in the south of France. And she was like, don't worry, we'll come out there and we'll rehearse with you. I was like, oh God, okay. So anyway, they come to the south of France, they arrive. And it's like late afternoon.

And she's like, I think you guys should sing the Sound of Silence. Who is this? And I was like, oh, I don't know about that. I really don't want to. That's out of my comfort zone. I really don't feel like doing that. And she got the right hump. And I was like, I think maybe we'd be better suited to doing something like something stupid you know the Nancy Sinatra Frank Sinatra song yeah so I was like let's do this anyway I said look I'll go downstairs with your boyfriend and we'll practice

the song and then we'll come up and we'll sing it for you and um and see how you feel about it and she grabbed my arm and she said if you think I'm leaving you alone with my fucking boyfriend you've got another thing coming and I was like in the middle of nowhere I was on my own in this house and it was the two of them and just me and she was quite a lot older than me and a lot more famous and more successful and I just thought I'm stranded and like you've got me snookered like but I was just like I'm banking this feeling like I will remember it and'm stranded and like, you've got me snookered. Like, but I was just like, I'm banking this feeling. Like, I will remember it and I will, I will get you back one day. Oh, right.

Anyway. Right, right. Although, can I just say that was your MO in those days when you want to get with someone. We'll just go in this room. Her boyfriend was not someone I found remotely attractive and she was incredibly beautiful. Still is. And so should not have found me remotely a threat. I was definitely in my like puffy, like...

Strung out face. Strung out face. Anyway, I digress. And now to the revenge part of the story. We get to London, we do the event, make loads of money for the charity. She never said thank you for, you know, my involvement with this whole thing. Blah, blah, blah. said thank you for you know my involvement with this whole thing blah blah blah anyway a couple of weeks later I got asked by an award ceremony if I would be the recipient of a very like

prestigious award I said yes thank you so much that's very nice and then they said is there anybody that you would like to present you with the said award and I was like at what point in the proceedings does this award get awarded and they're like it's the penultimate award and I was like at what point in the proceedings does this award get awarded and they're like it's the penultimate award and I was like there is no way this person will be able to hold themselves together for that long and if I can stay sober then she'll have to present me with the award I'm looking pristine and brilliant and she looks completely fucked up and it fucking worked she turned up a mess front cover of the papers the next day was like so and so is a complete

mess and then pictures of me with my award like Lily that's some cold shit do you know what I mean though revenge is a dish best served cold you waited you planned Cold shit. Do you know what I mean, though? Revenge is a dish best served cold. You waited. You waited.

I was fucking cold. And you executed it. I was like, banked. Saved. Remember forever, bitch. Banked. Ooh. Never fuck you over.

No. Do you know who it is? Let's just say they rhyme with... Okay. just say they rhyme with okay and I'd maybe just like caveat and just say that that person I actually really like them now it was just a particularly bad phase that both of us were going through at the time yeah yeah and uh all is forgiven on my part anyway, but she's probably just finding out. So if you are listening and you recognize yourself in this story, I'm sorry.

It was particularly petty. Sometimes revenge has got to be. We will see you after the break for more stories about the art of revenge. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit Rogers.com for details.

We got you. Rogers. Welcome back to Listen, Bitch. We're going to have another history segment now to keep this revenge energy fiery. We're now going to learn about Genghis Khan quickly. So he was in a tribe, and the rival tribe poisoned his father when he was young, and then that plummeted his family into poverty,

and they were banished from the tribe that his father had been the chief of. He had to hunt to survive. And then when he was 14, oh, my God, Lily, when he was 14, he killed his older brother in a dispute over food, so he was kind of getting that kind of... in him and

then spent most of his life uniting the mongol tribes and conquering large parts of china and central asia so that's quite a good revenge story good for genghis anyone got any khan energy in their revenge questions i'd love to know if anyone's conquered some sort of entire countries with their revenge plots, let's see. I expect nothing less from the Listen Bitch audience. Let's have another question. Hi, Lily and Makita. My ex-husband tried to ruin me financially

by dragging me through court for eight years. So I married a multimillionaire and now I live in a big mansion and he does not. Has anyone ever tried to cross you guys and did it backfire on them? Don't know what you're talking about. What a great story, by the way. Good for you.

Fucking arsehole dragging her through court for eight years to take everything and then you married a multimillionaire. Has anyone ever crossed me? Yeah, yeah. But I don't think I've exacted revenge upon them. But because I've stopped giving a shit about most things that I felt were an attack on me in the past, most people have got theirs.

And I didn't even have to do anything. Didn't even have to lift my finger. So I think karma is a big part of revenge they definitely hang out in the same pub karma and revenge they're definitely cousins aren't they yeah yeah let me just tell a little Christmas story uh there was once a little girl named Makita who was working on a TV show. And anyway, someone new joined the team and I found her very difficult to work with. And on my last day, which was a very difficult time for me, really had no plans and no idea what I was going to do next. And said new member told me all day that I had lipstick on my teeth when I didn't. And was trying to like this was the sort of end of 10 years of working in the same sort of team and family and I was having a really hard day

and I thought wow not only can you not be kind to me you're trying to rattle me and head fuck me and I thought banked and she turned out to be such a maniac nightmare that I've never had to do anything to exact my revenge upon her because just her pure existence. Been doing it to herself. Yeah, you know what I mean? Some people will hang themselves. That's what my grandma always told me. You don't even need to make the noose. Let them hang themselves.

But yeah, when people cross me, I don't come for them, but it is banked. Oh, I've got a new foot fan on my website oh foot fan alert wicked on my foot content sharing platform oh did you say on my website my web page how dedicated have you become even sitting there building a web page for this side hustle yeah yeah you're gonna have to fit this in the schedule record miss me make foot content like really it's like one post every other day i think i did some soul action today what like the soul of your foot wow yes this is insanity to me what did he say please do some toe spreading just busted in my pants hands free watching this very suckable toes nice video um i don't really i i genuinely don't i don't even know what to say could i come tribute on one of your pics all right okay now i think you should keep this to yourself next question please

hi i'm annalisa i'm Hitchin in Hertfordshire. My question is, have you ever been a victim of revenge porn or are you ever worried in case this will ever happen to you? Thanks, love the show. No, I've never ever. I mean, I might still be. Someone might have some videos of me knocking around, but I've never ever let anyone film me when I've been in a sexual act. No, me neither, but I've sent some boobs.

Yeah, maybe I've sent boobs. Does that count if someone's got their boobs on your phone? They could get you with that. I don't think anyone's going to blackmail you with like your boob shots. Okay, so revenge porn is usually someone having filmed you in the act of sex. Yeah, and then they post it with humiliation sort of like at its core. It's like, I want to shame that person.

It's interesting because if anyone said, should we film this? I'd be like, ooh, red flag. Yeah. I think I'd be like, what, I know. Only if we get some lighting in. Yeah, but only from the left. Yeah, but only from this side. Yeah, but only from this side.

Yeah, I feel like Kim trusted Ray J. Hang on. Hang on. No, no, no. That's a very different... You are conflating something here. Marketing with Revenge Born. Incredible marketing campaign. You've not been Revenge Born.

Are you fucking joking? I would never let anyone film me having sex, ever. I think that I've sent two boobs to someone. I just don't even let... With the kids, I'm like, don't even send a text message to anyone. Anything that you think that can ever be used against you, just do not put it into the ether,

especially when you're that age. It's just awful. Can you imagine having people from when we were teenagers having that kind of power over us well do you know what there was versions of it for us but without the internet because i remember when we were all kissing the skateboarders under the westway there was this new skate park that opened up and we thought fucking heaven had arrived at our gates and we were like yes it was just this world of fit boys and they all skated and they were in between my house and phoebe's house in portobello and we started you know dating no not

dating not dating sucking them off no sorry not dating sucking themucking them off. And... No. And then what happened is we were all virgins. I think maybe one of us wasn't. And they started... They would talk about every time someone went back to one of their houses and actually, like, had sex. And then they all discussed it in real detail and would humiliate us. And then I finally got with one of them that I love,

that Ben guy. And he did it to me and it was I've never felt so humiliated and you know just talking about your body parts or the way you were or whatever you know the kind of shit boys would say and it was absolutely I mean I still see it as a moment of trauma actually so I can't imagine what it's like if there's devastating yeah if there's video to accompany it nah thanks so everyone look after yourselves and each other penultimate question please hi Makita hi Lily have you guys ever felt that sort of like take revenge and then feel really bad about it afterwards and confess to it nah don't tell don't tell. Don't tell. Give it to yourself. The best revenge

you don't discuss, as we've just found, like Lily's telling me about an incredible moment 15 years ago. I think if you're gonna, that's part of the revenge. Keep your mouth shut. But I just told everyone, so. Yeah, well, you wait a while.

I would say, even though I was such a big mouth in the old days, I probably clumsied a few of my brilliant revenges up by saying too much. Now I know to keep my mouth shut, let the revenge play out on its own. Keep your eye on the prize. Your eyes on the prize. OK, next question. Last question.

My name's Hayley and I currently live near Sydney. I saw your thing on Revenge and I just had to call in. I often play fantasy scenarios in my mind of things I would do as acts of revenge and I just wanted to ask you both what is the worst thing you have dreamt of doing that you never did and never will do, but you just fantasised about doing this one thing to someone to get your revenge?

Thank you. Well, the planes. The planes! I was going to say the planes! Oh, my God. I think we can talk about this because it's not like we did it, but, yeah, it was a real fantasy. I guess it was just two planes that were going to ultimately plummet. No, it was going to a party, to a specific, we were going to throw a big massive party somewhere

and there were going to be two planes worth of people that came to the party and one of the plane would make it to the party and the other one did not. And for about 20 years, me and Makita, if we like someone did something to annoy us and we were like in a public place or something, like we'd be sitting around a campfire at Glastonbury and some bitch would come up to us and do something,

we'd be like, plane. She's on the plane. Not even, sometimes she's on the plane. She's on the plane. Sometimes it was the plane. Not even... They're on the plane. Sometimes she's on the plane. She's on the plane. Sometimes it was just plane. Yeah, yeah. If you were on that plane, you were fucking dead to us. You were on the plane.

There was some really quite famous people on that plane. We could have really shook up the industry. But mainly not. It was mainly just, like, people that we knew from the ends and stuff. Yeah. **** was on that plane, for we knew from the ends and stuff. Yeah. **** was on that plane for sure. I think she was flying the plane. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

That was like the higher level was like, they're flying the plane. Pilot. Yes, but we were at 22, but we did do it for about 15 years. So, yeah, I wouldn't put that into action. That was just a revenge fantasy that we played around with a little bit. Well, it was lovely to talk about revenge today. It was good.

Wasn't it just? Yeah, I'm bowled over by you, Lil, today. Bowled over by all that you are. Why? Because of my award story? Just the way your mind works. It's just incredible. I've never met a mind quite like it. I really haven't.

Oh my God, people are going to hate me even more. No, no. I will protect you because everyone thinks like this. You just actually execute it, A, execute it well and talk about it. So that's the only difference, okay? That is the only difference so anyone feeling that you're

just looking in a mirror before you come for lily remember that might be a reflection there you go saved all right it's my theme i'm uh i'm trying to figure out between two things they're both a bit like and i feel like you're gonna be like oh my cute i'm actually to know what i've been thinking about it this week i'm willing to concede that you are actually better at choosing themes for listen bitch than i am well i'm gonna blow uh some shit out the right now and say that lily names i think every episode of miss me listen bitch episodes and the meaty drop we know our strengths we. Why don't we just assign ourselves, like you choose the Listen Bitch categories

and I just name the shows? No, because if I do, I thought that, but if I do that, they'll all just be a bit like, laddy, daddy, we need your edge. Venom. Yeah, otherwise we'd just be sitting here. For instance, today I'm going between dirt and dirt. I think we'll go with this one.

Yeah, fuck it. It's summer. It's hot. And everyone's feeling a bit sexy. The theme for next week's Listen Bitch is... Flirting. Ooh, a little flirt. 08000 30 40 90.

08000 40, 90. Oh, 8,000, 30, 40, 90. That's if you want to contact us and let us know your questions related to flirting. Oh, I love a flirt. I mean, I hope I'm still good at it. I hope I've still got it, Lil. You tell me. Do you think you've still got it? It's a good one.

I'm flirting right now. You've got, you and your feet have a job to do and it's basically feet flirting no i you are quite a good flirt oh am i a good flirt it's not that you're good or bad i just know exactly when you're starting to flirt with someone i know the exact moment yeah really i don't think i even know you probably wouldn't i'm observing you you're in it i'll tell you about it next week I'll tell you about it next week. I'll tell you about yourself next week. You ready? OK, what do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

You'll have to wait a whole week. Now go. Flirty, flirty, flirty. Flirt around Italy. Enjoy your holiday. Go flirt with your husband. Go have a flirty lunch. Okie dokie. You've given all you can give today. You and the feet. Me and my flirty feet. Be gone.

Thanks for listening to Miss Me with Lily Allen and Makita Oliver. This is a Persephonica production for BBC Sounds. Benny, we've managed to rinse all of my contacts now for this podcast. Well, fortunately, my black book bulges way more than yours. Wait, wait, wait. It's quality, not quantity, my friend. You keep telling yourself that. I'm Spencer. And I'm Jamie.

Join us in our mission to reach a celebrity and find new friends using six degrees of separation. Who do you think we will snatch next? All will be revealed. I mean, we don't even know who we're chasing yet. This is Spencer. Six Degrees from Jamie and Spencer. Only on BBC Sounds.

Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers.