Miss Me? - Listen Bitch! In The Right Balls Park

Episode Date: October 14, 2024

Lily Allen and Miquita Oliver answer your questions about balls.Next week, we want to hear your questions about MEMORIES. Please send us a voice note on WhatsApp: [phone]. Or, if you like, send us an email: [e-mail] episode contains very strong language, adult themes and strong sexual references. If you have been affected by any of the issues raised, you can find support via the BBC Action Line: https://bbc.co.uk/actionline/ Credits: Producer: Flossie Barratt Technical Producer: Will Gibson Smith Production Coordinator: Hannah Bennett Executive Producers: Dino Sofos and Ellie Clifford Assistant Commissioner for BBC: Lorraine Okuefuna Commissioning Editor for BBC: Dylan Haskins Miss Me? is a Persephonica production for BBC Sounds

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. This episode of Listen Bitch contains some very strong language, sexual connotations and adult themes. But it's not smutty, it's not smutty. Welcome to Listen Bitch. Welcome to Listen Bitch. This week we are talking all about balls. Yeah, balls. Yeah, balls.

Yeah, balls of the man. Balls of the man. If you listened to last week's episode, I was encouraged to go to the British library by Lily to read up all on testicles, et cetera. And I didn't have the time. So no boring, well, not boring, but no history bit. We understand that they are from Adam.

Adam had the first set of balls. Thank you God. It's so lovely. We've got the first question here is a text message. It's so nice of you, but we don't like these and we have said that previously. And now Larry Ealing, I don't know what your beautiful voice sounds like. So I don't feel like I even know you, but I will read your question. Hello, my lovely award-winning podcasters. Hi, here's my submission for the theme of balls. I'm from Belfast, originally now in London, and love to hear about regional descriptions of things.

So in my home voice, the testicles are often referred to as ah, bollocks, as in, your man was kicked in the bollocks. Could you do the accent, please? Your man was kicked in the bollocks, please. I have to get into it, and I usually go into by Ulster Unionist party. So your ma was kicked in the bollocks. Extremely good.

Thank you. Lily, what's your favourite regional or global description of a pair of eggs in a stocking? This is from Larry in Ealing. Balls I'd say. I would never say like your testicles. No, there's something else. Go-nads? Yeah, yeah, there's gonads. But that's quite like Uncle Cam. I feel like massive attack called their balls gonads. Like blur and oasis. It's quite 90s. And then, you know, there's-

Teabags? Yeah, te tea bag, don't you? Oh yeah, tea bagging. Ooh. Sorry for that visual. But you're gonna be like, oh, shut up, I've never done that. You've never tea bagged anyone. No.

That surprises me. Tea bagging is to suck on the balls during a blowjob. Well, during a blowjob, right? So you take a break from the penis and then go because you can't do both at the same time unless they've got a very small penis and large balls. Is it all about ratio? Get it all in. That would be quite a mouthful. Let's not get smutty. It's like an under and over job. Okay let's have another question and let's hope it's not about tea bagging for God's

sake. Well, it's going to be balls related so just get ready. Yeah, I mean, but who knows where we'll go? Where will the testicles take us? Nuts. Hello, this is Raj from West London now living in Staines Massive. massive. I would like to know what was your first impression when you first touched, held, smelt a pair of testicles. Thank you, bye. They're not the most attractive part of the male anatomy.

No, poor guys, yeah. But you know, genitalia isn't that attractive in general. Not saying that I think vaginas are ugly. Ooh, that is controversial. I think the vulva is quite beautiful object. Mm-hmm, I think that I've had to learn to see that as beautiful and balls sort of sit in the same category of like okay yes we just have decided that these are balls but as just an anatomical thing they're quite they're quite strange yeah they're like wrinkly oh well actually you talk

about feeling I couldn't I enjoy that like if you push and press like the muscle whatever it is it kind of moves doesn't it? You know like yes yeah in that way I always thought that was quite a pleasing feeling. You know like I think a lot of men would agree with you. Yeah yeah it's absolutely welcomed. Playing with their balls all the time. Tickling? Ever done any tickling? No, not a ball tickler.

By nature. To be honest, I don't really think I've spent that much time around the ball sack, to be honest. Did once get off with a guy that had one enormous ball that hung a lot lower than the other ball. That was interesting. Had he been through something where he'd had to get a test run removed? But you can't be than the other ball. That was interesting. Had he been through something where he'd have to get a testosterone removed?

But you can't be born with one ball. No, no, no, he had two balls. One was just massive and the other one was small and high up. Oh, okay. And so one hung very low and the other one was very high. Do your balls hang low? Do you sing to him for a divine

and let me hang in a bow? I mean, obviously we have to sing a bit of that song. Oh, of course. And also this is the place where, you know, I mean, I never really, I remember being young and hearing someone go, oh, his balls are dropping. And I was like, how the fuck do you know? And obviously it was because his voice was changing. So I was always very interested in the connection between that, in the fact that these, this

part of a man's body drops and kind of takes them into their next chapter and then their entire speaking voice changes. Very powerful things, balls. Oh, aren't they just? It must be horrible when your voice breaks. I've always thought that. It's a very vulnerable time for a boy.

I don't know. Isn't that like when you become, you know, it's a terrifying man? Yeah, but between that you're like, oh, do you? You're not convincing as a bloke yet. You sound like a teenager going through something. I think when we're going through it, it's like our boobs growing. You can't really hide it. It's not a secret development. Let's have another question then. We're in the balls arena. In the balls park.

Yes, good. Very good. Hello, it's Ian from Manchester. A question I have for you is what do you think of men constantly touching their own balls and based on that fact, does it ever appeal to you to have a pair so you can experience what that's like? Oh, um, yeah, I think I would quite like some balls to be honest. You have quite big metaphorical ones, it'd be nice to get some physical ones to tie on the side

and you'd have four balls. I think if I had balls I would play with them all the time. Yeah I just realised every time someone says something about power, it's about being strong. That balls are used, like, she's a bit ballsy. Or, um, grow a pair. Yeah, in my terrible song, Hard Out Here, I do say, forget your balls and grow a pair of tits. It's hard out here, it's hard out here for a bitch. Funny you called it Listen Bitch, that might have been a bigger hit.

No I think it was the um. Yes I think we know. Yes back to balls. Yeah it's interesting that they really are used in like terminology often about your strength and your kind of courage and what kind of braveness you have. But what's the question? Do I want a pair? No I'm alright thanks. Lil what's the question? Do I want a pair? No, I'm all right, thanks. Lil does though. I do, I want a pair.

Yeah, you do. And I'd play with them all day long. You don't have any people you're turning on right now. You know when men sit like this, they've got like a pair of jeans on and then they go, they pull them up, they go like that and then they sit down. Very grandpa thing to do.

Get the tops of the trousers pull them up Is that to give the ball support? Do you think it is I think to protect them to give them like a safe house Neither of us know we might need somebody from the studio to chime in at this point Is it is there a reason for that? Oh? will Don't think wills old enough. It seems to be something. What are you talking about? What is balls haven't dropped out far enough? No, I don't mean that. Of course not Will. But I mean, I think you have to, I feel like I've only seen men in their 40s plus do this weird thing.

Oh right, so they've got to be really sagging. Maybe it's like not a denim thing. And young people wear denim. It's more like in chinos people do this or suit trousers. And also, you know, gravity does its thing. So like when you get to a certain age, granddads have to do the bit of more of a ball tuck because their balls are swinging lower than maybe Wills in the ripe old age of, what are you Will, 23? 24?

26. Oh, there you go. Okay, all right, okay. Can we have another question? Can we have another question? Guys, save this for the group chat. Come on, balls to the wall. Can we have another question? Can we have another question? Guys, save this for the group chat. Come on, balls to the wall. Let's have another question.

Hi, Lily Makita. I'm Bethany and I'm calling from Glasgow. Your topic this week reminded me of when it was quite early on in our relationship, me and my boyfriend at the time were traveling in India and he got a bit sick and woke up one morning with a gigantic grapefruit, I would say grapefruit sized right scrotum. He's absolutely fine, he's now my husband and it turned out it just was an inguinal hernia which he got fixed when he got home. But it made me wonder how often both of you speak to any of the men in your lives, whether their partners are not about their health, because I think things like that

are not always that easy to talk about and I think men in general are maybe not as good at talking about these things as women. I could be wrong but that's my feeling on it. I just wanted to hear your thoughts. Love the podcast, bye. Well that's exactly why we've done this subject today, to create a bloody space that's safe and open for men to be vulnerable and to talk about their health. We haven't had a health one yet. But the reason I wanted to do this as a theme is because my cousin, Suleiman, who is 30, was here with his friend who's also 30 and they have never had an examination on their penis or their testicles and They said that they've been told at 30 that that's when they have to start

That chapter of their lives and I think maybe start thinking about their health Within their gel and talia and it made me think that where do boys talk about this? I hope boys talk to each other about this. I'm sure they do not But where do boys talk about this? I hope boys talk to each other about this. I'm sure they do. Not examinations, yeah, like my balls are bigger than yours, but not like, have you had your balls checked recently? Not like productive conversations about health.

Yeah, I don't really talk to David much about his anatomy and I probably should talk to him more about it. Does he have checkups as a 49-year-old man? Yeah, he does. But, you know, I'm actually a little bit prudish, I think, when it comes to that stuff with blokes. Genitalia health. Yeah, well, I don't know. I mean, this is not specific to David, but like definitely

with men, I've felt like, you know, their ego ego is very attached to their manhood and their balls maybe. And I've just felt like it's unsafe or something to talk about those things because they have very strong feelings about them and what makes them a man. And I've felt nervous. It's because it's the sperm holder, isn't it? So it really is about their place that gives life. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if for them it necessarily is about being the sperm holder. It's about them being the penetrator. Yes. But I think if you go back to where these feelings would have originated from when men were told there was so much importance around their strength and character or whatever concerning

their testicles. I think it goes back to that it is a powerful place for them because it's where life is given. Yeah. So it is a place of power. So I totally get it. We should talk to our husbands and our boyfriends more about their balls. Yeah. I think that is the message. I'm going to make a concerted effort. It's nice. Do you wanna ask another question? We have another question. Miki, Tana, Lily, I did already ask a question of whether or not we have sucked on balls, but I already determined for all of us that we have.

My name's Fiona, I'm in Brooklyn. Blue balls, I don't know if we can fully answer this ourselves, but blue balls, is that a real phenomenon? Men, tell us what's happening here. I feel like I also get frustrated not coming, but is it an actual physical phenomenon in the scrotum? Thank you. Love you. Bye. Great question. It's something great to dissect. And you're Lily's neighbor. So you guys can talk about this. You can extend this conversation in the coffee shop. You can go and have coffee and talk about the Blue Balls.

I think we might have to cross over to the studio. Am I using this as too much now? I mean, we're not men, so we can't tell. Let's say what we think. I just thought Blue Balls was like people just wanting to have sex. No, I think I, okay, that's your, that's what you've put in the hat.

I think Blue Balls is, let's make it a quiz. Blue balls is when you you're very turned on and you for some reason aren't able to finish the act of sex and come. So you then have this terminology called blue balls and people that's like when you see in comedic films then pouring ice over their scrotum. Correct, I'm correct, I'm right. Oh shit. You know that's just watching too many like American Pie Van Wilders shit films. They're always dealing with blue balls in those films. Yeah, so I think it's a physical thing in the fact that like if they don't come in a way that we probably don't have Something physical does happen something happens to all the sperm that was ready to go somewhere. Wow

Well, you learn something new every day not me. I knew well, I think it's time for a break. I agree That was a nice break. All of those breaks were just long enough, like the one just between the first half of school and lunchtime. That break. That break. That was always very needed. Tea. Tea break.

Tea break. Shall we have another question? Hi Lily, hi Makita. It's Leo here, originally from South London but now living in Philadelphia. My question about balls is, last summer I ended up finding a lump on one of my testicles and the hardest thing about it was actually working up the courage to go and see a doctor about it because it felt embarrassing and because it felt really scary to go and talk to someone about something like that. I was wondering whether you guys have had any similar experiences, maybe not with your balls, but with any other health

concerns and how you worked up the courage because I'm sure there are people listening to this now who've had similar experiences. Yeah, thank you so much. No, thank you, Leo. Yes, Ellie, that works for me, had to get a breast scan. And she was absolutely terrified. She decided to spend some money on herself and do it privately. And she was just like, I just feel sick. And the advice I could give her,

because I'm 12 years older than her, was that there's something about the after bit where you know, you know, we've always got a bit of deep dark anxiety about like death in our heads. It's this one time of freedom where you go, at this moment in time, I know that I am all good. I am checked out. And it feels really good because I was very scared about a mammogram a few years ago. And afterwards I was like, well, if nothing today, I am healthy and good. I have just been told. So you do live differently because of the courage to just go figure out what's going on. Yeah. So huge like bone of contention within my marriage to David is that he is constantly going and getting tested for things like cholesterol levels and like going on running machines and having his heart tested.

And I just like, no interest whatsoever. And he is worried about me and worried about my health. And I just like, I don't know, I just have a thing of like, if I'm in like pain, then I'll go to the doctor. But I don't really want to like dig too deep to like... Check on your liver, see how your kidneys are doing. No thanks. I can't wait for a full bloody body checkup. Obviously I've just had an MRO scan, the first one of my life and that was fucking different. Really shook me up having to look at my health,

which means I'm going gonna do more of it. I really like suffering silence. Like last year I had a breast cancer scare. It was really scary actually, like I had this big lump on my boob and then it turned out actually I had a lump on both boobs and the one that I had been worried about wasn't the one to worry about but he'd found another one on my other one

and he was like, we need to do like an emergency biopsy like today. But I burst into tears and I couldn't call anyone. But that's so you, isn't it? Like, right, this is massive and hard. How am I going to figure it all out on my own? It's like, no, no, call someone. Well, I'll just wait until they've told me it's cancer and then I'll tell people. But like, I wouldn't be pushed to call people and say I'm scared. Which is probably also protecting yourself because that's the thing. I've had the MRIs scan because I'm having these fibroids that I've previously spoken about taken out and they need to like really see how many there are. And then I was like, what the fuck if

they find something else? It's only two days, but I'm a bit like, oh God, waiting for results is part of the terrifying part. Which is why we should all just get on with getting to clinics and getting to doctors and just checking things out as we all know, finding things early helps. It can be a difference in life and death sometimes. Anyway, look at us. We've made balls all about us all of a sudden. Let's get it back to the men.

I did think that. I did think that. Of course now we're talking about boobs. Not me talking about me again. Jesus. Back to balls. Hi, Lily. I'm Makita.

This is Jason from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. On the topic of balls, well, technically it's related to wanking as well from a few weeks ago. My question is, do girls get post-nut clarity? Not all guys get it, but some guys do after a wank. Is it a thing with girls? Thank you guys. Love you. Bye. Oh, my God, we've reached Malaysia. It's a fucking big moment.

Tell us we ain't international. That is big. Thank you. I love referring to old episodes. You're obviously an avid Listen Bitch listener. 100 percent. Of course, isn't there something about Mary? This moment was immortalized with Ben Stiller being nervous about going on a date with Cameron Diaz. So he someone gives him the bad advice of having a wank first.

Hence we move into the moment where she puts the sperm in her hair. Tomfoolery commences. Ensews. Tomfoolery ensues. But I think this is more of a man thing, but I don't know because he's right on wanking. A lot of women were like, I wank before a meeting. I wank when I'm angry, when I'm sad. So the post-clarity feeling after coming,

yeah, I think we do get that. I think we do, I feel great. Don't you feel great? Yeah, I don't know if I feel, it's clarity though, maybe. It's just a release, isn't it? It's just like, okay, I'm stressed. If I do this, maybe I won't be so stressed. Oh yeah, not so stressed. Yeah, I guess it's clarity.

Have you ever cried after masturbating? No. Oh, I have. I bet you have. It doesn't surprise me in the least. And it doesn't surprise me in the least that I haven't. You're right. And I think that's a conversation about art. One moved. But what coming is really about.

It's like about release, isn't it? And it's great that we have this way that we can work with our bodies to have this moment of release. No matter what, for whatever intention, it is a moment of release. And I don't even like the mind and the body work so well together, like such harmony. I feel like that's how I feel after I've had an orgasm like oh, didn't we do well body and mind? Cuz you know, it's masturbation imagination is involved if it's with someone else, you know, you've worked well to get to this place together I'm always very proud of myself and others when we all come

to this place together. I'm always very proud of myself and others when we all come. Very serious. I can be quite impatient about the whole thing. Impatient. But you did so much waiting. No, I know. But like the getting in the mood thing, like the taking it slow and the like creating a relaxing environment. I'm just like, just, you know, chuck the thing in, put it onto maximum, put some freaky porn on and Bob's your uncle, it's done. But what about with a partner? Do you feel like kind of a sense of clarity and closeness to the person that you just had an orgasm with?

I think we should move on. Okay. You're just seeing millions and millions of men running through your head now. Let's move on. Should we have the last question for our Balls special? Hello, my name is Grady from Melbourne, Australia and this is for your theme on balls. I just had a baby, a little boy, and I'm in a same-sex relationship. So me and my wife have this little boy, who you can probably hear in the background, and I know nothing about balls or any of the other bits that are, you know, special to men, to males. And there was one point when he was really little that I was changing him and I was like,

oh my God, his balls have disappeared. Where did they go? And I had to call my brother and be like, holy shit, his balls have gone. Is this normal? What's going on? And I found out, of course, that happens when they're cold and whatever, and it was totally normal. And I had to then have like teach myself

a whole bunch about testicles and anatomical situation. So I guess my question is, is there anything about balls that you've been wanting to know more about or you had to learn more about for whatever reason, something that surprised you about balls? It's a constant surprise to me. Thanks. Love the podcast. Bye. Out there in Melbourne raising a young man and there is so much to learn with cold balls no less. I would be stumped if I was given a young man to raise right now. I don't know enough. No. I think you learn on the job. Yeah, I think so. I mean, yeah, you're raising two girls. So I guess it's slightly easier to be like this and this and this. I got it.

You got it. Let's discuss. But like Phoebe, I said, are you going to send like for the upcoming anatomical stroke sex chats? Because her son is now 11, 12 next summer. I said, are you going to send him to Simon? She said, no way. She said, he'll fuck it up. I guess Mimi's taking that on. But yeah, I guess you just got to like educate yourself if you're raising a man and you're a woman. But that wasn't the question. The question is there anything that we want to know about balls necessarily? Oh, no. I think the one thing I never want to know is how much it hurts to be kicked in them because it just looks like a pain of such magnitude that it's been immortalized through film and culture and for all time. So it must be, I would like to say I'm sorry and I would never do that

to a man because I think it's... What, kick them in the balls? Unless it was someone trying to attack me, which I was told by my jujitsu teacher auntie when I was very young. That's exactly where you go. Because it's completely, I think it can dismantle a man. I used to kick Alfie in the balls all the time when I was a kid. Jesus, you could have caused some damage. Maybe I did.

That's because you knew it would hurt most there. It would have been in response to something else. Like I'm not just like wake up in the morning and like, that was like a stage four in a fight, you know? Yeah, definitely stage four. Yeah. It can get worse. There are still stages to arrive at. So I think as women, we know that it is

a very vulnerable place. And it's interesting, there's such a vulnerable place and as we've learned today, also such a place of power. So the duality of balls knows no bounds. And I'm so happy that we dissected it today to really figure that out. I have learned a lot. Yeah, we're in the right balls park.

That's right, get it in twice. Why not? Right, darling. I'm going to leave you to it. You just have to just drop off your little Listen Bitch theme. Just drop it off right here. There you go. Just tinkle it right there. Then we'll move on.

Next week's theme for Listen Bitch is... What? Memories. Memories. Yeah. Should we sing it in honour of my favourite woman in the world? Memories. Oh, you're coming from that bit? Oh, my favourite even better, Lily! Lily!

I'll learn the words by next week. But people should send us messages by WhatsApp on 08000 30 40 90. That is 08000 30 40 90. I plucked that from my memories. Yes, or memory. That was from your memory. Jesus Christ, I'm trying here. Why?

No, you're doing really well. It's a tedious link. I'm just trying to think about what I think we'll probably find out the difference between memory and memories. Yeah, we'll probably figure out the difference between that. But one's about things that have happened that you hold dear and the other one is about things that you store to to use again. There you go. Fucking brilliant. Fucking brilliant. I'm gonna go now. My job here is done today. My work here is done. I'm Pete, I'm incredible, I'll be going now. Bye!

Bye! Thanks for listening to Miss Me with Lily Allen and Makita Oliver. This is a Persephoneca production for BBC Sounds. If you've been affected by anything raised in this episode, go to bbc.co.uk forward slash action line. Who done it? Crime conundrums. Murderous mayhem. Why are you doing that voice? I'm just getting in the mood for a new podcast. Murder they wrote.

Hey, I'm Laura Whitmore. And I'm Ian Sterling. Anyone who knows us knows we are obsessed with true crime. We're here with a new podcast exploring the dastardly deeds of history's most atrocious criminals. There'll be mystery, madness and moments of... Oh my god. Murder They Wrote with Laura Whitmore and Ian Sterling. Listen on BBC Sounds.