Miss Me? - Listen Bitch! School of Lyf

Episode Date: August 19, 2024

Lily Allen and Miquita Oliver answer your questions about education.Next week, we want to hear your questions about RAGE. Please send us a voice note on WhatsApp: [phone]. Or, if you like, send us an email: [e-mail] episode contains very strong language and adult themes. Credits: Producer: Flossie Barratt Technical Producer: Will Gibson Smith Production Coordinator: Hannah Bennett Executive Producers: Dino Sofos and Ellie Clifford Assistant Commissioner for BBC: Lorraine Okuefuna Commissioning Editor for BBC: Dylan HaskinsMiss Me? is a Persephonica production for BBC Sounds

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. This episode of Miss Me contains some very strong language and some adult themes. Hi, welcome to Listen Bitch everybody. Lil Zee Poo, it's Listen Bitch, this you must have missed, come on. It's Monday, which means one thing, one thing only it's a lesson about shalas on a one lesson about shot did you hear how David said listen bitch creepy as fuck right yeah weird weird also not happy with with the selection

of this week's category theme it's very close to intelligence there's gonna be some crossover it's gonna be a disaster, but you know, whatever. It's going to be a fucking disaster. Let's go for it. Exactly. Can we have our first question for today's disastrous episode of Listen Bitch? Whatever, everyone's on holiday anyway, Lil. Yeah, exactly. No one's listening. Hi guys, this is Laura from Brighton and I'm just wondering who or what would you say gave you the best education? Is that like a teacher from school or someone or something else in your life? I'm curious. Let me know. Thanks. Love you.

You know mine. I can't, I can't talk about her. No? Oprah. Oh yeah.. Could you be a little less dismissive about my relationship with Oprah because she saved my life. Okay I'm not dismissing it I've just heard it all before but carry on. What do you mean you've heard it all before? How did Oprah save my life? Um I guess much in the same way that Barbra Streisand saved your life and the Kardashian saved your life. Oh my god, I sound like such an asshole. I don't, but carry on.

This was very different. There's a lot of videos on YouTube, my education, where it's not the Oprah show. It's Oprah's words of wisdom and everything that she's learned and she's a very wise person. She talks a lot about the connection between thoughts and emotion and attraction and belief and faith and trust. And it really changed me. And the week that I've discovered this video, I was in hell and I really needed some help. And it saved me. It genuinely saved my soul. And I go back to her words. Also Maya Angelou, I think words are very powerful. That's why it's called spelling. Did you know that? I did not know that. That sounds like a TikTok trivia, but okay. Oh, God. Oh, God. Does it? And then I watched a Bruce Lee documentary, a fantastic Bruce Lee documentary

the other day. And you know, everything that comes out of his mouth is just education. Be still like water. Done. But water moves. I don't understand. No, but water like reflects, right? So it's like, just be you, be calm. That will be reflected in your life.

But you know, you'll reflect the sun if you are just still like water. Basically it's be calm, bruv. If you're water in a stagnant pond, perhaps, yes. But what about water in a flowing river or the sea? Or a bath, even. I'll just check what Bruce meant. I'll just check what Bruce meant later. He said some other good shit,

but the thing is what I've learned, my education has been words and how powerful they can be. And I live by words and thoughts turn into words, like speak the kind of life that you want to speak your life into existence. That's what I learned from Bruce Lee and Oprah. It's my education. What about you?

Who's your school in? Mail online. I'm joking. Oh, layers. No. I had a teacher at a school called Alastair Langlands who, you know, I think I've talked about him before, but he taught classical studies and I didn't really, I wasn't very good at school. I wasn't, I didn't really feel like the schools that I went to suited me education-wise until I met this one teacher. And I think basically what he did was he told stories.

So we'd go into the classroom and rather than saying, read this story and write about it, he would write all of the characters from Greek mythology up on a whiteboard at the beginning of the year and Then he would tell these tales that linked all of those characters together. So there it was very visual and Yeah, and storytelling also I remember that we studied this book called the day of the triphids, which is all about, you know plants book called The Day of the Triffids, which is all about, you know, plants that sort of took over the world. And he, the writer of the book, lived not far away from the school and he managed to sort of orchestrate it with the author that we could go and sit in his garden, which is what the book was inspired by. And he would read us, you know, excerpts

of the book while we were sitting in the garden in this environment that very much reflected what the story was about. So I think it was, I think it was the visual aspect of learning that really connected with me and helped me. And I, and I really enjoyed it and understood it in a way that I didn't understand other things. So I can't, you know, doing like times tables and stuff and like, um, drilling things was never good for me I just don't have the kind of brain that can process information in that way but if it is contextualized with sort of pictures and stories then then then it can so that that would be where isn't that funny that I said words and yours is pictures so that's that's how we learn me word your picture there you go that's how we say that. That's how we do.

No way. I've got a shout out Mr. Witwam. Have I talked about him on this show before? I don't know. I just have to shout out Mr. Witwam. He was a, he's a brilliant man and the best man in the world. I love him. He sent me the most brilliant message when I turned 40 and he kind of made me look at myself differently in education. Cause he said to me, you will, I will never forget that curious, you know, ferocious mind of yours. And I was like, I was curious, wasn't I? I did want to learn.

Oh, I love a good teacher. A good teacher fills up your soul. Shout out to all the good teachers. Let's have another question. Hi, it's Kayleigh from Scunthorpe. Just wondering, education, what is your opinion, both of your opinions on a private school and that?

Cause like, I'm about to send my little daughter to private school. Cause you know, like, I don't know, I'm just a little worried mother and I don't know what to do with her. I don't really want to send her to a public school cause I don't know, it's just a bit fucking scary. You know what I mean?

Well, I think that there are great public schools and there are great private schools. So I don't think that it necessarily is about one or the other. It's about what is available to you in your area in which you live. My children had been state educated in London because we were lived in proximity to a really, really great state school. In fact, the school that Makita went to is the school that my children went to. And then when we moved to America, they went to public school here until the end of elementary school. And then we switched them to private school and that was not because I you know disagreed with the public schooling system it was because there is a lottery here in Brooklyn where we live and the school that was offered to Ethel was a

too far away for us to commute and B I didn't I didn't like the school I didn't think it was very good school so that was the option that was afforded to her. And we have the resources to do something else. And so I made that decision to do something else. But no, I think that public schools are great and vital. And if there are good public schools near where I live, then my children would be at public school. And I suppose that also might be because me and you went to so many schools that you ended up

going to both. Actually I went to both. I went to a private school, just one out of the six, and you went to lots of... So you actually have experienced what both are like and not many people have. Yes. But I thought you hated private school. I always felt like you were miserable in those schools. I mean most schools, but those particularly. Yes. I don't know how to put this. I don't really like being in and amongst people that have like superiority complexes. And sometimes in private schools you find That there are people that think that they are better be does Than other people and I don't work well in that kind of an environment I like to feel part of a community and I don't necessarily think that a lot of private schools are very nurturing in that sense Yeah, I don't know. It's it's difficult because we grew up in an area where

there were, you know, schools that were pretty diverse in terms of, you know, there were low income families, there were high income families, there were people from all different racial backgrounds, there were people with parents that had different, you know, sexual orientations. So, but I don't think it's like that all over the country in England or in America. So I think that, you know, we can talk about this as much as we like, but the reality is we lived in a very unique place in the world. And that's the only thing that I have got as a reference point, really. So yeah, and that bred loads of interesting things in West London, like Jesse,

my very, very good friend, Jesse, his dad is a famous film director, and he was at my primary school, but I was living in a housing trust flat down the road, and we didn't have anything. And that really was like such a, for me, a special part of the way I grew up, actually, that mix. But you can't always get that. You're right, Lilz. You're right. We were lucky. I mean, incredibly lucky.

And I feel like, you know, the friends that we have amassed over the years really do come from all walks of life. You know, a lot of our friends have gone on to be really successful. A lot of our friends have ended up in and out of jails and, you know, have know have you know numerous kids and are signing on and I don't I wouldn't want my life to be any other way I like

that I have friends from all walks of life like it's important to me I don't want to just surround myself with people that you know have the same sort of income as me and the same sort of house as I do and the same. And experiences. Yeah, exactly. Agreed, Lilz. Thank you, Labrador. Do you want to ask for the next question? Okay. Can I have another question, please? Hi, girls. I love the podcast. I was thinking about some of the insane things that you hear people being taught in sex ed. I know one of the worst things I was was we had a teacher who was determined to convince our whole year 10 class that in order to put a condom

on you had to put it on while flaccid and then just wait and didn't think that was the best start. So I was wondering if you knew of the weirdest thing either you guys were taught or you've heard someone was actually taught By somebody who's meant to be helpful Thanks. Bye I don't remember any sex education at all Me neither I don't know if that's because I blocked it out or because it didn't happen I sort of remember there being a conversation about bananas and condoms,

but I don't think that I ever experienced that. I went to six different schools and I never had any sex education. So I don't know where that is in the schedule, but I never saw it. I never heard people talk about it. I actually thought it was something in American films, sex education.

I don't remember any version of it. And I actually know now I've started. I actually think it needs a real looking at in school sex education. It's such a hugely important subject. And I don't remember it being vital. And I don't really think it's vital now. I had to learn how to put a condom with Phoebe and a cucumber I think we used. Yeah, cucumber. So I had to sort out source my knowledge. Yeah, I also think that there's probably quite a focus on this sort of functionality of sex and what can happen as a result of sex in terms of reproduction and having children. But there doesn't really seem to be much focus

on the enjoyment of sex and the pleasure aspect of it. And I think that that is quite important. I think that like, you know, if young girls knew that they didn't need to have men involved in order to reach orgasm and how they might do that, then that would be take a lot of the shame and the sort of curiosity out of it. You know, I feel like I didn't do any of that stuff until very late in my life. And I've and I wish that I had started earlier and had more

of an understanding about what it was that gave me pleasure because I spent so long being very anxious about not finding the experience pleasurable and why and I feel like if somebody had told me how it all worked then it might have like saved me 10 years of like deep anxiety. Terrible men as well like god the amount of like idiots I wouldn't have gone out with if I'd known that in my 20s. Oh, no, real? Who taught you how to put a condom on? Did I?

I don't think I've ever done it. I actually don't think I would know how to. Lily! What? I'm married. I don't care. See British education system. See what happens.

But also it's not my dick. Learn how to put your own fucking condom on. That's so true. Learn how to put your own fucking condom on. Done. That is so true. Why is that my responsibility? Why do we have to learn? Well, you know what? We are education. This is the new fucking school. I'm actually enjoying this a lot more than I thought. I think we both are. Let's admit it. David didn't do a boo-boo. Obsession confession. I'm enjoying it. We're enjoying it. We're all enjoying ourselves. So we'll have a little break and then we'll see you after for more enjoyment. Next question please. Hi this is Jessica from Coventry. I'm just wondering is there anything that your kids have taught you that you never got taught at school? For example my son is now 15, he's doing his GCSE soon and I'm

haven't got a clue the things that he's being taught. I feel like the things that we got to our school are completely different to what they're being taught now. Have your girls, Lily, taught you things that you never knew before? Thank you, I love the show. Thank you, bye. You do say to me quite often actually, you do say like Marnie said this things that you never knew before. Thank you, I love the show. Thank you, bye. You do say to me quite often actually, you do say like, Marnie said this brilliant thing the other day or Ethel's talk. Actually, maybe like emotional stuff. Yeah, Marnie said, what was it, Marnie, she didn't actually say it to me, she said it

to my mum. My mum was sitting in the car with them and they think they were having an argument or something and my mum was trying to like make the peace and she was like do you think you two are gonna be you know friends forever like when you're married and you have kids and stuff and Marnie was like I'm not gonna get married and my mom was like oh really what are you gonna do instead and she just went I'm just gonna live my life. Oh very Marnie. Does she just really fucking like know herself?

Is that what it is with Marley? Yeah, she really does. She really does know herself. Good. That's good mothering. That's beautiful. I mean, they have a different, you know, syllabus here in America.

So they do often, you know, tell me things or bits of history that I'm not familiar with. Oh yeah, of course not, yeah. Can you do their maths stuff? No. Can you do, because the lady asked, like, can you do the same thing? No, okay. Absolutely not. Yeah, it'd be quite a test having a look at all that shit again. Times table from the

beginning. Long division. I mean, I did have this weird week, not week, year, whatever. When I was in Centre Academy it was a private school. It was for kids with ADHD, which I didn't know. But I do have ADHD but I wasn't diagnosed but I was going to this school. I basically had run out of schools in London. I'm not even joking. This is like the last place that would take me and nanny paid for me to go. And I suddenly started really learning really well for about a year. I got really into it and I got really good at maths and did one test and I got like 92% on my maths test. And I think it like scared me or something. And I kind of just, oh I know what happened. Oh I know what happened.

That's the year I discovered squat parties. Shout out Devon and Cheyenne. No! Yeah, possibly. Some old friends of ours are Miss Me fans. You never know. You never know. Devin and Cheyenne are 100% not listening to Miss Me, unless they really turn their lives around.

Maybe their girlfriends are. Alright, let's have another question. Lily just mentioned Devin and Cheyenne. It's really time to end this. Let's have another question. Hi Lily, it's Olivia and Jamie from Manchester. We hope you're well. Our question for you is, what was your least favorite and favorite dinner menu item in school? Our school served us courgette cake

instead of chocolate cake, which was criminal. Amazing. Love you lots, Lily. Oh, just Lily. It was just Lily. Love you lots, Lily. Oh, just Lily. Just Lily. Love you lots, Lily. Cool. Thanks guys. I was just about to say I love a double

questioner, but you two can fuck off. I'm joking. I love that question. I loved school dinners. Well, it wasn't for you, so I think I'm... That's nice, M Lily you can you can answer please answer thanks cake and custard I used to love and I loved when they matched the cake with the custard color wise sometimes they'd have pink sponge

cake and then they'd have pink custard then they do the chocolate cake with chocolate I'm sure. Yeah. Ethel and Marnie probably had that because this is how they rolled in Fox, the primary school we both we all went to. And also, I'm not, I quite liked, I get quite into it. I quite liked like the sliced beef and like the potatoes and the peas. I'd always try and make like a sort of roast. Phoebe was very much like chips, beans and cheese.

And I was like, oh, what sides have you got? They were like, Fuck off, Rekia. But I did I did love school dinners. And I loved all my dinner ladies. I mean, you looked after me and Fox. What was the private school dinners like? I went to this one called Hill House, which is actually where Prince Charles went to school. It was they had this fucking disgusting brown bread that had like massive seeds in it and I was just like I cannot eat this Disgusting. I'm a mighty white girl Oh, right I just found it absolutely revolting

But so was the food actually posher in general that would they have cake and custard? No, these these schools are like all about their profit margins I actually bet that the school dinners were worse at private schools than they were at state schools No way. Yeah, because they're it's all about coining it isn't it right? There was a program though at that school because it was like quite I had like a bit of an army focus to it So part of the year you'd have to go and spend in a barracks. Well, yes, actually there was, we used to do P.E. at the local army barracks and on sports day,

rather than doing like the hundred meters of the 800 meters or whatever, you do a cannon run. So each child had to like pick up a part of the like a gun, like a cannon and run around this obstacle course and then at the end of it you have to put the assemble the cannon together like that was what we did on sports day fucking weird excuse me excuse me assemble the cannon of a gun yes we also did rifle shooting and fencing I was quite good at fencing that what would, I would have loved. Yes. Fencing.

That was the poshest school that I went to. And I can't remember why I went there. I feel like it was when my mom got together with Harry and it was like, yeah, it was on the way to my mom's office. So it was like convenient for her to drop me off there on the way. But it was, um, did you like kill house? That was quite a good time in our lives. I feel we were, what were we like 10?

No, I was younger. I think I was like seven or eight. But there was a part of it where you had to go to Switzerland for like a part of the term for like six weeks. So you'd go and stay in this like chalet. And because it was an army school, you'd have to get up at five o'clock in the morning and go and do circuit training. And then you would come back to the chalet have to make your beds and the bed had these like stripy blankets on it and then you

would have to like line up the stripes so that they were completely straight and then you'd get marked out of 10 and if you got under eight out of 10 you had to rip it all off and start again and then after you've done that like the army yeah after you've done that you could that's why i'm so done that. Like the army. Yeah, after you've done that, you could that's why I'm so together. Yeah, and disciplined is because of my army school history. But yes, after that, after you'd made the bed situation, then you could have breakfast, I guess it was probably like seven o'clock, seven 30. And there was this woman called Madame Tomber. And she used to make porridge and I thought I would hate the porridge but I can still taste it now. I like it was so delicious. I absolutely lived for that porridge. Like I was yeah the first few hours of the day were pretty grueling and excruciating

but it was all made up for by the porridge. And then you would get that porridge. That lovely sweet creamy hug and comfort in that fucking army school. Do you know what's interesting? I feel like rich people, or people that send their kids to private school, just literally pay the money and then just like don't check in and wagwan after that. It's like, did Alison know that you had to go to Switzerland for six weeks and this is what it was like? Yeah, why do you think that all of these like, Etonian educated politicians

are so fucking horrible and ruthless? It's because their mothers abandoned them when they were seven years old and sent them to completely loveless schools. So true, where was the care? Okay, but also we're still talking about dinners. What was the school dinners that I hated? Like a soggy fish finger? No, thank you. That was, and like boiled cabbage. I sort of seem to remember, yeah, things like that. Yeah, but I love food like that. I love food like that.

I'm so Scottish. When I got to Scotland and they were literally like, I was like, what is actually Haggis, Neeps and Tatties? And I was like, wait, it's minced beef. Innards. And then it's mashed potatoes, turnips, yeah, like innards and then like mushroom gravy. I was like, these are my people.

These are my people. Stonch, basically. I love food like that. I love when people go, oh, my mom used to just cook like boiled cabbage and mince. I'm like, yum. It's like, dream menu. Sorry, Andy Oliver. You can give your fancy shit to Lily.

I'm a big fan of like a sponge pudding, like a treacle pudding or you know what I mean? Like those sort of steamed puddings with some custard. That was- Oh my God, yeah, yeah. Not just cake, it has to be like moist with the sugary syrup. No, I get them now, Lil, from the supermarket.

You get two syrup sponge puddings and they're like in their own little bowl of syrup. And then you boil them and then you pour cream on top and then you have a fucking party. Party, little pudding party. A little pudding party. All right, that was a bloody long question. Should we just have another one?

Let's just bloody have another one. Move on, let's move on. Let's have the last question, please. Hi, Lily. Hi, Makita. Loving the podcast. I'm about the same age as you guys, so lots of the things that you talk about is like really nostalgic for me. So absolutely loving that. I'm Emma, by the way. I'm in London and my question this week for you guys is what things do you think they should actually teach kids in school? Things that are actually gonna be of use when you're an adult? I don't know about you guys but I am definitely not using Pythagoras theorem in my day-to-day life

so yeah looking forward to hearing your thoughts. Bye! Tax. Thanks Emma. Tax. I was just going to say, financial finances. Unbelievable. I think they should do like a little bit of legal as well. I think that also like because of social media and the flow of misinformation, like maybe a little bit of libel would be good for children to learn about. Tell us Lil, what does libel really mean? Because I know that all my friends you really know.

Well, I think it's, I think it has different, not necessarily different meanings, but there's definitely different interpretations of like how libel can be prosecuted in the UK versus the US. I know that in America you have to be able to prove that there was malicious intent by saying something incorrect about someone and I'm not, I don't know, it's something to do with the constitution and different amendments. I just know it from films when they're like, that's libel, like the good wife, they say that quite a lot. In England, I think our libel laws are stricter. So yeah, I don't know, you'd have to, I'd

have to do some more research to be able to tell you more about that. But also, I think that marriage and divorce is something that children should be taught about and what the implications are of both of those contracts that people enter into in their adult life. And also childbirth and what that actually means. What actually bringing a child into the world entails and what effect that can have on your life other than just having a little baby that's very sweet and very nice to play with and cut very cuddly and sweet. And I think if you've got all those building blocks and then throw in a few unbelievably useful fundamental building blocks like the personal finance of your life, because that

is literally how we build a life and learn how to pay our tax and why we're paying it, learn what VAT is and why we're paying it. I mean, it's no co-op. We've talked about this before, but I actually, I find it astounding that there has never been personal finance. I've definitely spoken more about tax implications in my life than I have about the Battle of Hastings. So I feel like that would have better prepared me for the world than learning about William the Conqueror or Well I'd go to our school Lily, you work at our school, what would we call it? The school of the hard knocks. Juicy, juicy,, that's quite good.

Yeah, definitely. I'm just looking up like things that I learnt at school with like different types of clouds. Oh no, that shit is interesting. I'm glad that I know about a stratocumulus. Is that what one of the clouds is called? Syrostratus. Nimbus? Is there a Nimbus cloud? I feel like a Syro- Oh my god I love that there's a- no but if you mix that with the Greek mythology of your brilliant classic teacher, with the tax and finance, with some great sport and some good skipping, I mean you've got the school of life, that's what we call it. The school of life.

I'm writing that down. I really did miss you. And I really love you. It's a shame that you're not going to be here next week then, isn't it? You'll be fine. Your turn! You're fucking done. And also, I provided you with a replacement and Makita has not yet provided us with the replacement so we don't know who we're going to get next week but it will be a surprise. you with a replacement and Makita has not yet provided us with the replacement

so we don't know who we're gonna get next week but it will be a surprise we're all involved. Yes I provided you with a list which is waiting on some answers but that was a good list. The first list we really made me laugh one of the people on Makita's list was Shirley Bassey. I think she'd be I think she'd be, I think she'd be fucking brilliant. I'm sorry. You and Shirley Bassie talking about. Luckily I've got her on speed dial. I'll call her now.

Shirley, Dame Shirley Bassie. Up for a bit of Miss Me next week. I don't know why we haven't got in contact with her. Because next week's Listen Bitch theme is... Rage! Okay. So you and Shirley talking about rage, I fucking tune into that. Okay but also, you stole that subject from me, eh?

So that's fine. Yeah but that's alright, it's on the list, I didn't steal it. It's one from the list, babe. Yeah, my list. It's on the list, babe. I've done my job, I'm off on holiday now, I need a steal it. It's one from the list, babe. Yeah, my list. It's on the list, babe. I've done my job I'm off. I'm off on holiday now. I need a week off. I'm going away to France. I'm going to Jesse's house Oh, that's nice. Maybe I'll join you. No, you've crashed enough of my holidays with Jesse this year. Thanks

Wanted more to myself for once. Hi Hi guys. Hi Jesse, you're like, really? Again? Okay, I love you. Good luck next week. You'll be great. Um, rage it out for me Hi! Hi guys! Hi! Jessie, you're like, really? Again? Okay, I love you. Good luck next week. You'll be great. Rage it out for me.

And I will see you the week after. Love you, bye! Bye! Thanks for listening to Miss Me with Lily Allen and Makita Oliver. This is a Persephoneca production for BBC Sounds. Exciting times, Ellis. Oh is it? Why? Well, our brand new podcast is here. Two releases a week and we get to leave behind the shackles of

live radio and draconian vaping laws of broadcasting house. Ellis, we are the pioneers of digital Britain, grasping the opportunity to redefine the audio landscape through powerful, impactful, dynamic conversation. You and I will inspire the next generation of free thinkers. What are your aims and aspirations for this new dawn? Er, I'll try to arrive on time and not eat manguane. You know what, I'll take that. The Ellis James and John Robbins podcast, out on Tuesdays and Fridays. Listen on BBC Sounds.